For Folk's Sake

Summary

Distractible Podcast – "For Folk's Sake"

Date: September 22, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

Episode Overview

In "For Folk's Sake," the Distractible trio—Mark, Wade, and Bob—embark on a freewheeling exploration of everyday folklore, whimsical mascots, and absurd mythologies. With Wade in the host's chair, the episode’s core theme emerges: inventing new folklore mascots for adult struggles, from yard work to parenting, and lampooning the randomness of modern branding makeovers. The episode is peppered with their characteristic banter, tangents, and a gloriously chaotic scoring/winner selection process that becomes a spectacle unto itself.

---

Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Warmup Banter & Small Talk

Timestamps: 03:04–15:00

• Merch Antics and Outlandish Domains (03:39–04:52):
  The guys joke about their merch, considering risky domains like "distractible.xxx" and discussing novelty products from adult toys to "butthole chocolates."
  Notable Quote:
  "We could make casts of our junk and you could buy one or all three and have a party." — Bob (04:52)

• Weed Genocide and Piss-Oranges (09:25–12:03):
  Bob narrates his victory over a backyard "jungle of weeds", mixing satisfaction with guilt over using a scorched-earth approach. Mark segues into an oddly charming tale about a dog-urinated orange tree, dubbed “Henry's piss oranges”, claiming it produced the tastiest fruit.
  Notable Exchange:
  "What is a tree if not a big life straw? Filters out the piss. Dog pee kills grass, flavors oranges." — Mark (12:03)

• Product Recalls & the Joy of Random Settlements (12:46–16:46):
  Mark laments assembling Bowflex dumbbells only to discover they’re recalled that morning. Discusses the absurdity of random recall checks ("7 cents") and the difficulty of dealing with car recalls.

---

2. Modern Branding, Logo Rage, and Culture

Timestamps: 17:48–23:52

• The Cracker Barrel & Jaguar Logo Rebrands:
  Mark rails against Cracker Barrel's $700 million minimalist redesign; Bob vents about the similarly soulless new Jaguar logo.
  Notable Quotes:
  "Who are these companies that are charging tens, hundreds of millions of dollars ...for a simple lowercase font?" — Bob (18:34)
  "We could renovate Cincinnati's subway system for $700 million...Cracker Barrel just threw it away on new décor." — Mark (22:28)

• Maximalism Call-to-Arms:
  Bob calls for an artistic swing back to "complicated crests and crazy filigree," bemoaning the blandness of corporate minimalism.

---

3. Adult Folklore Mascots: Inventing Modern Mythologies

Timestamps: 29:00–44:27

Wade leads a segment concocting new folklore figures for adult struggles.

a. Yard Work Mascot

• The Rake: Bob creates a "Krampus-like" entity, a flying rake that punishes slackers by raking them into a sack and hauling them to an eternal compost heap.
• HOA Demon: Mark expands, making "The Rake" an HOA experiment—enforcer of shrubbery regulations and approved door colors.
• Notable Quotes:
  "If the rake appears, that's bad news and you know it." — Bob (31:59) "The HOA would be some embodiment of the yard demon to make sure you does your work." — Mark (33:09)

b. Friendship & Relationship Mascot

• Warm Fuzzies / The Fozzies: Mark and Bob riff on a friendship demon that magnetically encourages socializing, but with the risk of friend-zoning leading to containment within "the chum hole."
• Physics analogies add flavor: escaping or entering the "friend zone" becomes a nuclear reaction metaphor.
• Notable Exchange:
  "They're the Warm Fuzzies." — Bob (36:16)
  "If you indulge the Warm Fuzzies, you can and will get friend-zoned if you're not careful." — Bob (36:56)

c. Mascot for Coping with Aging

• Pylosand: Bob invents a demon composed of sentient sand that lets you literally stick your head in the sand to ignore loved ones aging.
• Dr. Manhattan: Mark suggests the Watchmen's near-omniscient blue being, who would zoom in on cellular decay—plus regular reminders of his blue penis.
• Notable Moment:
  "Every time you summon him, he shows up and he's like, 'blue penis,' and you're like, 'No, Mom's looking old!'" — Bob (41:22)

d. Parenting Mascot

• Reddit Demon: Bob describes a spectral online forum that noisily bombards parents with contradictory, judgmental advice until they're overwhelmed.
• Cupid: Mark points out the real mascot of parenting is Cupid—“no parenting without sex”—and spins out a litany of accidental-baby scenarios.
• Notable Quote:
  "You get a forum of people offering helpful advice, but it’s all in ALL CAPS or guilt-trippy." — Bob (43:00)

---

4. The Chaotic Points and Winner Selection

Timestamps: 48:14–56:40

A significant chunk of late-episode time devolves into Distractible’s signature, labyrinthine scoring:

• Golf Rules, Coin Flips, and Free Parking (49:45–55:21):
  Wade tallies points for offhand comments ("dumbbell porn") and inside jokes, then Bob declares the whole system unfair, leading to a heads-only coin flip. Miraculously, the random wheel lands on “golf rules” (lowest score wins), flipping the outcome yet again.

  • Highlight:
    "There was a 1 in 66 chance of that happening." — Mark, on the lottery-like randomness of Bob's loss (54:14) "I can't believe that worked." — Bob, resigned (51:13)

• Introspective Victory & Loser Speeches:

  • Mark: "I didn't pay attention at all. But I was paying attention when it counted, when that wheel was spinning. And much like everything in my life, as soon as I start paying attention to it, it becomes real." (55:00)
  • Bob: “I knew I was tempting the fates...I manifested that into my own life. There’s no one to blame but myself.” (56:17)

---

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Mark on Product Recalls:
  “I’ve also never submitted for a recall. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how it works.” (15:05)

• Bob on Modern Logo Design:
  “A whole bunch of companies are doing this minimalist thing…we’re all going to look back and be like, fucking…” (20:41)

• Wade’s Folklore Mission Statement:
  “We need more mascots, but for adults. Folklore mascots to help adults accomplish tasks.” (29:01)

• Bob’s Friendship Physics:
  “Friendscape velocity…the buddy horizon.” (37:53)

• On Parenting Advice:
  “It pops up filled with people giving you helpful advice…but it’s all in ALL CAPS, and you should be embarrassed about the decisions you’ve made.” — Bob (43:00)

---

Notable Segments (with Timestamps)

• Intro & Merch Madness: 03:04–04:52
• Yard Work/Weed Massacre: 09:25–12:03
• Product Recalls Rant: 12:46–16:46
• Branding Disasters: 17:48–23:52
• Folklore Mascots Brainstorm: 29:00–44:27
• Scoring, Wheel Spinning, and Winner Chaos: 48:14–55:21

---

Episode Tone & Style

The episode’s tone is as chaotic, playful, and tangential as Distractible gets—featuring self-mockery, sharp observational comedy, and a warm, ragged edge of old friends riffing. Deep thoughts surface alongside wild theories (the "friend zone horizon"), blue humor (literally), and meta-commentary on their own randomness (“I didn’t pay attention at all, but I was paying attention when it counted…”).

---

Summary for Non-Listeners

"For Folk's Sake" is an episode that perfectly encapsulates Distractible’s mix of clever everyday satire and full-throttle, silly spirals—a podcast that somehow turns discussions of product recalls, garish rebrands, and the dark side of parenthood into a collaborative myth-making session (featuring flying rakes, sentient sand-demons, and the inescapable realities of Cupid's mischief). The hosts’ chemistry, quick asides, and elaborate wheel-based point system drive an hour of irreverent joy—perfect for fans of both folklore and friendly randomness.

Transcript

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Hershey's. When it comes to a sweet treat, I love a combo like those two flavors that just go together perfectly like a little party in your mouth. I think most people are with me on this, right? If you want the ultimate combo, I think you should give Hershey's Cookies and Cream a try. If you haven't had it, where have you been? Rich, smooth white cream packed with crunchy, chocolatey cookie bits in every bite. It's a delicious balance of flavor and texture. Hershey's Cookies and Cream. Creamy, crunchy and all yours. Find Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars at a store near you today.

[Ad Read Announcer]

Don't chew on that.

[Mark]

Max Cooper loves that chew too.

[Ad Read Announcer]

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper?

[Wade]

Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula.

[Bob]

He never leaves a crumb.

[Mark]

I love it because it's made with.

[Bob]

High quality protein, nutrient rich fruits and.

[Mark]

Veggies, and wholesome whole grains.

[Ad Read Announcer]

Looks like we're switching to Blue Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by degree. Degree is for the hustlers who put in the sweat, which we know a thing or two about.

[Mark]

For 35 years, 11 months, 28 days and 6 hours, I didn't believe in deodorant. But then Degree came along.

[Bob]

As you can relate to three relatable guys like us, Degree advance has you covered with up to 72 hour sweat and odor protection. And Degree here for sweat buy now.

[Mark]

This episode of Distractable is presented by T Mobile 5D Home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Wade]

I don't know.

[Bob]

But I do know that T Mobile 5G Home Internet's got your back with their fast speeds, easy 15 minute setup, a price for any budget and 5 year price guarantee. Visit T mobile.com home Internet to check availability. Guarantees monthly price of fixed wire wireless 5G Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply.

[Mark]

Guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5D Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds very new to factor affecting cellular networks guarantee exclusions. Details@t mobile.com Home Internet Good Evening gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode will fly. Wade mentions enslaving Mark, then advocates for modern mythologies malefic. Mark plugs the new merch Buy it has Piss augmented plants, broke bells and pandemonic pals. Burdensome Bob proffers personalized dildos, harvests his huge weed crop, prefers jauntier jaguars cereal, rakists and sea holes. From ball gags to porn pop ups. Yes, it's time for for folks sake. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Wade]

Hey everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host because I won outright last episode. I dominated from start to finish and also maybe it was just because of we all said it at the end, joined as always by my co hosts Mark and Bob. Hey guys. Hello.

[Bob]

Oh, I mean fuck you. Oh, I sorry. I was trying to match Mark's energy. I didn't.

[Wade]

I'm not sure where this hostility is coming from. Get him.

[Mark]

Get him. Get him, Bob.

[Bob]

Get him. You fucking beard. Don't smile at me. Get out of here.

[Mark]

Have you heard about our best selling but copyrighted shirt?

[Wade]

We're getting sued by Theseus.

[Mark]

No, we're our copyright. It's our copyright. We own this design.

[Wade]

If you take the copyright and replace it one letter at a time, is it the same copyright?

[Mark]

Is that how Disney did it for so long?

[Wade]

Probably.

[Bob]

We've redrawn the end this year. We're going to go ahead and refile that for another 150 years of copyright.

[Mark]

Anyway, Distractible shop. Soon to be distractible store nevertobedistractable dot com.

[Bob]

Yeah, we should get one of those fun. One of those fun domain names like distractable.fun or distractible.jizz.

[Mark]

I could get distractible xxx. That's the only one that I could get.

[Bob]

Oh hell yeah.

[Wade]

How many people would be in like trouble for going to an XXX site? They're like I was just going there for the merch.

[Mark]

Do you think our audience is mostly children?

[Wade]

I think adults can get in trouble too.

[Mark]

Oh, 109 bucks. Dude.

[Bob]

Sexy website addresses are expensive.

[Mark]

That renews for 112 bucks a year. That's so expensive for a goof. We could sell distractible adult toys. We could do that. We could partner with say like we.

[Bob]

Could make casts of our junk and you could buy one or all three and have a party.

[Wade]

The Butthole Chocolates.

[Bob]

Have you guys ever been solicited by those companies? I got a message, I got an email from a company that does that. I don't know what they who they thought I is, but literally was email that's like hey, would you like to.

[Mark]

Make a product that your fans can really feel the Joy from.

[Bob]

And then I was like, that's creepy, man. What? And I clicked, and it's just a site where you could buy molds of people's bits to do dirty stuff with. And I was like, nah, thanks, though. I'm glad I'm on whatever list that's from.

[Mark]

Well, remind me to get that later, because I could get it for you if you really want. If you have a good, important thing to do with it, I will get it for you.

[Wade]

I'm not paying 30, 40 bucks a year, so, you guys, I'll take it if you'd both pay for it.

[Bob]

No, I don't think that's how that works.

[Wade]

We can't be outvoted on having to spend our money, can we?

[Bob]

I think we can, actually. We're a team. Three co. Equal members of Governor Extractable Mark vote.

[Wade]

No. We can have control back.

[Mark]

Yeah, just like we're co. Equally sharing the revenue from that shirt.

[Wade]

Wait, we get revenue?

[Bob]

I can't tell if I'm inside Mark's thing or outside Mark's thing.

[Mark]

Oh, outside. Oh, a very outside barrel. Oh, okay.

[Bob]

Well, I was. Okay.

[Mark]

I own the company that made the clothing.

[Bob]

That seems like a little bit of.

[Wade]

Conflict of interest, but we can own you if we vote it right. That's how this works.

[Bob]

I don't know if we could afford him.

[Mark]

I think ownership of people might have been.

[Bob]

What if we put it in the distractible constitution that we're allowed to change any constitution we want, and then we can just start passing amendments to whatever constitution is out there, and then we can. We can do anything. Be unstoppable.

[Wade]

Aye. Is that how we vote?

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, actually. Or it'd be yays.

[Mark]

Yay.

[Wade]

We're not even in the boat, okay?

[Bob]

Can't have democracy without a boat.

[Wade]

These have small talk.

[Mark]

I've got small talk.

[Wade]

Any more carrots?

[Mark]

Nicholas Martins at blackmagic Design. You're awesome. You're the best. You deserve a raise. And everyone at your office should, next time they see you stand up and go, yeah, yeah, you're gonna get me a partnership with blackmagic Design. After that, everyone else at the office don't listen to this part. It's just. And me. Now, look, buddy, I have been shouting from the rooftops with Blad what DaVinci resolve can do for people and what the rest of blackmagic Design's products can do. And what can do for you. Wade, are you still working in Premiere?

[Wade]

Am I below you?

[Bob]

Wade?

[Mark]

Wade, Wade, are you still working in Premiere?

[Wade]

Like a Goof. Dana sure is.

[Mark]

Oh, well, you could save money if you have Dana switch over to the free Blackmagic design software, DaVinci Resolve.

[Wade]

I like that. I mean, Toby is not cheap, Bob.

[Bob]

Yeah, we're definitely still on Adobe. I'm connected into too many other Adobe things. That's the thing, right? You know me, I like new stuff. And I would absolutely just dictate that my editor has to switch over to Resolve without caring what they think about it. But also I need to. I get PDFs, E signed and all this shit that like, it's all. I have a whole ecosystem and it's annoying. I know that it's annoying. And I don't even know if there are other thesis of software that do that, but they don't do it as efficiently as Acrobat does. There's no way.

[Mark]

Actually, Acrobat is one of the worst.

[Bob]

There's no way.

[Mark]

It's.

[Bob]

It's fantastic.

[Mark]

Anyway, he's been super helpful. He's lent me cameras, he's come over the office. He's hooked me up with someone that can help me out with Fairlight. He's been awesome. Help. Just want to shout out, hey, I am actually legitimately a believer. Please. I know what I've said to all the other companies that I've been sponsored with.

[Bob]

Please, please.

[Wade]

Wait. Is Prusa. Prusa? Is that the day? They're still waiting.

[Bob]

Prusa.

[Mark]

Husa cares.

[Wade]

Please.

[Mark]

I can only. I can only go after one at a time. Oh, man.

[Wade]

Oh, Nicholas. He'll be loyal to you and only you for at least three days.

[Bob]

Yep, yep.

[Mark]

You, Nick.

[Wade]

I got a regular heartbeat.

[Mark]

All for.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

Anyway, that's. I think it worked, guys. I think it worked.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, that's gonna. That's gonna win him right over.

[Wade]

Bob.

[Bob]

I don't like yard work. Most of our backyard is just grass, but we have like one area where there's a bush and some stuff and it's mulched and it's like there's supposed to be plants there, but mostly it's empty. I've been pretending it didn't exist all summer and it just got turned into a fucking jungle of weeds as tall as me.

[Wade]

I'll be careful because if you have a fridge brought through there, we know what happens.

[Bob]

Well, we didn't, luckily, but also I. At some point, finally it was like, okay, well, probably shouldn't just let that be weeds. So I just got. We have a string trimmer or whatever, weed whacker. I just got it and got made the strings real long and just literally went out to this huge patch of weeds that was like. Like, literally as tall as me almost. And just, like, it's kind of hard, but it was kind of fun because I kind of just murdered an entire metropolis of weeds. But not only did I murder it and then put all their dead bodies into some paper bags, I then went back over it with ground clear, which is the type of, like, weed killer that just kills anything that's alive. And I just fucking assaulted the earth and was like, nothing will grow here ever again. So I have mixed feelings about the weed genocide that I committed in our backyard, but it looks way nicer.

[Mark]

Is the grass growing?

[Bob]

Well, this wasn't. I didn't get any on the grass, so the grass is all cool. This was just in the bed, the, like, plant bed area. I was a little worried because there's two trees kind of on the back edge of it. And I was like. I tried really hard not to get in anywhere near the trees, but, like, the trees are in the same bed, and there were weeds around it, so I got. They seem fine.

[Mark]

Trees love that shit. Yeah. Have I ever told you about Henry's piss oranges?

[Bob]

No, I don't think so.

[Mark]

Well, there's an orange tree at a house we used to have a while back, and it was. You know, it made oranges every year. That was real.

[Bob]

Didn't it make limes, if I recall? No, I'm pretty sure it made limes. Ethan told me that. Do you remember that?

[Mark]

No, I don't remember.

[Bob]

There's an episode from. From Unison where Ethan was real sad. You guys are in the backyard. And he was just like, can I have one of these limes? And you're like, that's a. That's an orange tree. They're just. They're not. It's like, okay, I'm gonna take a lime. I mean, you're just like, ethan, those are oranges, and they're not ready yet. And he just takes one, and he's like, this lime doesn't taste very good.

[Mark]

The bad limes, Mark, I don't remember that at all.

[Bob]

It was like an extended bit.

[Mark]

I bet it was. I bet it was. But Henry pissed on that tree a lot.

[Wade]

No wonder they taste so good.

[Mark]

They did. That's what I'm saying, is those oranges tasted amazing. And they tasted better the better the longer we were there. I'm not lying, not joking. It's probably not because of the piss, but what is a tree if not a big life? Straw Filters out the piss dog pee kills grass flavors.

[Wade]

Orange. Breaking news.

[Mark]

Yeah, I mean, orange. The juice is some kind of yellow.

[Bob]

If I peed and it looked like orange juice, I'd be like, close enough.

[Mark]

I don't need to see a doctor about that. That's. That's good. That's very good, actually.

[Bob]

Plus, it smells clean and fresh. Or would it still smell like pee? I guess. I don't know which way that goes.

[Wade]

Good stuff, boys. Good stuff.

[Mark]

I'm not done.

[Wade]

You're done when I say you're done.

[Bob]

You didn't say he's done.

[Wade]

I know. So you go ahead.

[Mark]

Okay, cool. There was a recall on a certain product. You guys know the. The adjustable dumbbells? I've had a few sets over time.

[Bob]

I have. I have the cheap knockoff one of those that's like, doesn't work as well, but is like half price.

[Mark]

I just finished. I actually ordered these a while ago, and they've been sitting on my porch getting rained on and getting fire blasted through them, ash and stuff like that. So I finally got around to unboxing them and unpacking and building the whole set because you got to assemble it and all that stuff. And so I do it because I've had the dumbbells before and they've been kind of janky sometimes, you know, sometimes weights fall off. But I'm like, oh, it must be user error. So I get done the whole set. Brand new set. Because the other ones, I was like, oh, it's been sitting now it's probably not good. So a whole new equipment. I was like, I'm gonna get in shape again.

[Bob]

Woo.

[Wade]

Woo.

[Mark]

Just yesterday, like, I finished assembling and just this morning I, like, I started working a little bit for the first time. Like, yeah, all right, get in. Before we record this podcast, I look at the news. Bowflex's popular adjustable dumbbells were just recalled. Over 3 million units were recalled for potential impact hazard.

[Wade]

Good grief.

[Mark]

God damn it. I mean, I can still use it. That's like up to me to whether or not I want to risk. And to be perfectly honest, I've always knew they were a bit jank. I'm never. I was never gonna be holding one over my head, I can tell you that much. I can tell you that. Not that they've ever fallen. Don't sue me. Bowflex. But I felt dumb. I felt dumb. But it does look nice.

[Bob]

Yeah, I guess you have to give you a point.

[Wade]

I mean, you guys convinced me.

[Mark]

Anyway. I don't even Know, I've. I've had products that are recalled, and sometimes. Have you gotten this where you get a check in the mail randomly and you don't remember ever being a part of a class action, but there it is. All right, cool. 10 bucks.

[Wade]

I got. I forgot what it was for. I got a letter with a check, and the check was for, like, 7 cents. Because I was apparently part of a class action lawsuit I didn't know I agreed to be a part of. They were just like, here's your settlement from the class action lawsuit. It was no more than, like, a dollar. I think it was like, 7 cents or something actually like that, where they're like, here's your settlement. So sorry for everything you went through. And it's like fucking a nickel and two pennies.

[Mark]

The biggest one I got was for actually an apple thing. I can't remember what was for, but it was like, 80 bucks.

[Bob]

That's crazy. I've never got one that was a meaningful amount of money. It's usually like $2 or something.

[Mark]

I've also never submitted for a recall. I've never sent products back. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how it works.

[Wade]

We did for a car. Was it Molly's last car? My car? We had a thing where we had to take a car back because it had, like, an airbag recall. And that was when we were like, that's probably one that we should do.

[Bob]

No, there was a really big. It was probably. It was probably Molly's old car because there was a really big airbag recall on her. The kind that would have been in that car. Because I know what her car was.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm assuming it was.

[Mark]

I just remembered. I need to. I have a recall on my truck that I need to de. Address. It's nothing serious. It's the roof, the sunroof, the way it is. It leaks. And I thought. I thought I did something wrong because one of the big rubber things was, like, flapping off in the wind. I was like, ah. I shoved it back in there. So there's a recall for that. There's car recalls all the time. Don't you.

[Bob]

There's so many car recalls. I. I was just gonna say I had that happen. I have one that my car has a recall on where it's like, they're trying to get parts. And I've been waiting for a long time, and I still can't get a schedule to get that service. But then I got another letter, like, the other day. That was like, oh, there's a new recall on your car, but it doesn't say what it is. It just says, like, oh, you should probably call your dealer and ask about it. It's like, I don't want to call and ask to see if I need to do something about this.

[Wade]

But, like, that's a cheap way. That should be. An illegal way to go about a recall is forcing you to figure out what the recall is.

[Bob]

I. But, like, on every car I've owned, including my really old Volkswagen that I had when I was in, like, college, get so many letters that are just like, oh, there's a recall on the door hinge. If you open it too fast, it might explode.

[Mark]

That seems kind of serious.

[Bob]

You probably should get that fixed, I guess.

[Mark]

I think that that's why I'm afraid to ever release a product, you know, like a real product. Like, clothing is one thing, but having an actual thing that. I mean, maybe it could be a clothing recall where, like, this shirt will explode if you wear it wrong. Put your arm through the head hole, boom. The whole thing catastrophically.

[Wade]

Thankfully, it's safe with water, but body sweat, really dangerous for this clothing.

[Mark]

Depends on who. How sweaty you is, you big stinko. What is this, too?

[Bob]

It's probably not important.

[Wade]

Where did you just come up with. Never mind.

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Mark]

It was wrapped around my leg. I was like, why is this. Oh.

[Wade]

My God, Mark, the AIs, they're coming for you.

[Bob]

Is that plugged into something else or is that just a cord?

[Mark]

It's plugged in. It's. He's plugged it into my computer, to my computer down there. So I don't know what it was plugged into, but it's not anymore, so it's probably fine. Probably fine.

[Wade]

Oh, great.

[Mark]

Small. I have something else.

[Wade]

Okay.

[Mark]

Cracker Barrel.

[Bob]

How mad are you at them?

[Mark]

Wait, have you been to Cracker barrel? Did the 1mL forget?

[Wade]

I've not been there in a while, so no, I'm not seeing yet.

[Mark]

I'm so disappointed because I saw so many people on TikTok, on Reddit, quickly, in like, a few hours, mock up a different version of the logo, and it's infinitely better, even if they went super simplistic. There was one that I saw on TikTok where someone was like. I just added a few lines around the outside to give it some character, and it was, like, instantly better. Amazingly better. Who did they hire? They paid $700 million to renovate all those stores.

[Bob]

Why? They didn't test it on One.

[Mark]

They just roll it out on all of them.

[Bob]

I don't know who these firms are that are tricking all these companies. Did you see? I'm not a particular fan or anything, but have you seen the Jaguar rebrand? No. Oh, my God, look at it. So Jaguar. To me, I'm kind of a car person, but not a Jag person. Old school British brand. They make sexy cars. They're like classic and awesome and like. Like big V8 engines. Like Jag. Like, it's a TH. The new Jaguar logo could be for any company on earth. It is the least interesting, most disconnected, minimalist, modern piece of crap logo. They paid so much money for it. Who are these companies that are charging tens, hundreds of millions of dollars to be like, here's a simple lowercase font with nothing interesting, no meaningful connection to imagery or brand legacy or anything. It just says Jaguar in lowercase. Real spread out. There you go.

[Wade]

Is it the yellow one with the capital Maybe J, but definitely capital G. But the A's are lowercase and the R's lowercase.

[Mark]

I got to look up the old logo.

[Wade]

It was.

[Mark]

Literally had a Jaguar in it. God.

[Bob]

Yeah. It has the Jaguar over it. It. I couldn't explain to you why they went the way they did. I like the old logo with the Jaguar over it. I also like the. The front view face Jag logo. That was like the emblem on the cars.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's all right. Yeah, that's all right.

[Bob]

It looks like classic, but it doesn't look dated or old. It looks cool. Like it's a fucking cool logo.

[Mark]

I see this all the time, where a company will throw out all of the memories, all of the loyalty, all of the associations of the old brand and logo. Just because some executive comes in and I'm sure this is what happens. A new CEO comes in. Like, I have the idea to refresh this whole thing. Sales are stagnating, which is good. Companies, if your sales are going like this, you're good. This is good. This is great. This is. Okay, that's bad. Okay, good, bad.

[Wade]

It's.

[Mark]

This is fine.

[Bob]

Even if it's like this, it's fine.

[Mark]

Anyway, whatever. It's like, so Cracker Barrel. Denny's did this. Jaguar did this. A whole bunch of companies are doing this. I feel like they're at the tail end of it because now I feel like the trend is going away from this minimalism and it should. We're all going to look back at this era of minimalism, be like fucking.

[Bob]

Millennials need to swing violently into maximalism for branding. Give me complicated crests and all kinds of crazy filigree and nonsense. It's hard to do it correctly because when you have so much shit in a logo or in a thing, it's like, oh, that actually is kind of ugly, isn't it? You didn't do a very good job. But also, if it doesn't have anything in it, it can still be ugly. It's not. Not ugly just because it's simple. It's just boring and ugly. Yeah, no, that's going around. I. The Cracker Barrel one is the hot topic of the day, but there's so many companies that just, like, deleted any character they had in their entire company's logo. Branding just with like, a. Make it the letter F for whatever.

[Mark]

Cool.

[Wade]

Toys R Us is such a big rebrand that you don't even see any letters now.

[Bob]

I thought they were coming back. Didn't someone buy Jeffrey?

[Mark]

Did they?

[Bob]

I thought they got. I thought they got bought, but I didn't. I don't know if there was. If they're going to relaunch it or what.

[Mark]

Thing that blows my mind about Cracker Barrel is they didn't just change the logo. They changed the entire interior, which I didn't know that. Yeah, the entire interior is like this Ikea modernist, like, weird design. Art deco, kind of.

[Wade]

Well, they can't be called Cracker Barrel. They should be called, like, Smooth Boring.

[Bob]

Smooth Boring is kind of right.

[Mark]

I know they probably didn't get rid of all the old decorations. I hope this is a big ploy to get people to come back as soon as they change it all back. But for $700 million. Seven. You know what we could do with $700 million?

[Bob]

Lots of stuff.

[Mark]

I assume we could renovate Cincinnati's subway system and make it up and functional with $700 million less, actually.

[Wade]

Or really big boat.

[Mark]

How much is the most expensive yacht?

[Wade]

It better be able to go to space for 700 million.

[Mark]

No, sorry. Most expensive yacht is $4.8 billion. So let's just get the subway system in Cincinnati going and then buy it. You could still have a boat with the leftovers.

[Bob]

We could still get a pretty good yacht for like, $10 million.

[Mark]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

[Bob]

You can get something that they refer to as a super yacht for 1.5 to $3 million. Is that enough yacht for you, Wade?

[Wade]

A super yacht for $3 million?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Wade]

Yeah, that'd be good. That'd be a big enough boat for. Listen, I don't even need that big. I Like, I like boat. Nice pontoon. Nice. What's nicest pontoon cost?

[Bob]

We could definitely afford the nicest pontoon boat.

[Mark]

All right, let's plan out Wade's retirement. How many pontoons can he buy? Oh, pontoon. You could get a 21 footer for 29,000. 25 footer for 29,000, actually.

[Wade]

Why did I even get a car? I should have just gotten a boat.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, you probably should have.

[Mark]

I mean, let's be honest. Your car was a boat for a while there. Under the ocean. Got him anyway. Yeah. So we kick around, like 500 million for the Cincinnati subway. Hey, we could probably take it all the way up to Columbus. Connect those. Forget Cleveland. Connect those.

[Wade]

Do we have 700 million? Is someone giving us that?

[Mark]

Cracker barrel had it. So they spent. They. They put it somewhere. We just got to intercept that and then bring it back. Also, did you see the person on the subreddit that assumed. When I said we connect all the cities in America for rail meant. I meant literally every city would connect to every other city instead of. There would be a good network between the cities?

[Wade]

No, Every single city gets its own line.

[Mark]

The people in the comments pointed it out. And I'm like. I was laughing. It was very funny.

[Bob]

I knew what you meant. Millions of train lines between each individual city, obviously.

[Mark]

Also, Bob, you didn't tell me how ugly their actual car was to which car. It's like the preview of the type Double zero.

[Bob]

Well, that's like a concept, but, yeah, it's not great. Honestly, if I'm. If I'm looking at the design, it, like, I wouldn't want that. It's not my thing. But there are. There are aspects of the 00 where it's like, if you did that, but better maybe.

[Mark]

I'd never seen. It has a engine in the back. I'm guessing that's why it is a real rear grille. But that look of the rear grill still doesn't look.

[Wade]

Are there no windows? Is it one giant windshield?

[Bob]

I mean, there are separate panels in it, I think, but yeah, it's. It's one. It's like wraparound glass. The, like, windshield into the side windows and stuff.

[Wade]

It kind of looks like a Grand Theft Auto 3, like, sports car. Like a cheetah or something.

[Bob]

Like, I could see what you're saying. Yeah, yeah.

[Mark]

Kind of does. Yeah.

[Bob]

Also, I just assumed it's electric because it's new and looks ridiculous.

[Wade]

Well, I've got, like, 10 minutes left to do an episode. You guys want to do an episode?

[Bob]

I have more small talk. No, I'm.

[Mark]

Yeah, I got nothing else.

[Wade]

Oh, no, guys, come on. More small talk.

[Mark]

I wish. I wish. I'm in. I wish, man.

[Wade]

I'll host again. So I'd love to say I've got so many topics for this.

[Mark]

I wish, man. I wish.

[Wade]

All right, well, if there's a part two to this, just know it's not because I'm lazy. On topic creations because I didn't get to all of my beautiful topics. This episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu Boys. An all new season of Futurama's back.

[Bob]

Ah, they're back. I love this show. It's a great show. I'm excited for another season.

[Mark]

Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back defying gravity and common sense. From the greater The Simpsons come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger, and the action is harder.

[Bob]

Don't miss the all new season of Futurama. Watch it Mondays on FXX or stream it on Hulu.

[Ad Read Announcer]

If you're an adult struggling with obesity. If you've struggled for years and years, you are not alone. But Zepbound Tirzepatide is changing what's possible when it comes to weight loss along with diet and exercise. Proven to help lose weight and keep it off, Zepbound is a prescription medicine for adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight related medical problems. Zepbound should be used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity. Zepbound injection is approved as a 2.5, 5, 7.5, 10, 12.5 or 15 milligrams per 0.5 milliliters in single dose pen or single dose vial. Don't use with other Tirzepatide containing products or any GLP1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Zepbound can be used in children. Don't take Zepbound if allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Tell your doctor if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, stop Zepbound and call your doctor if you have severe stomach pain or a serious allergic reaction. Severe side effects may include inflamed pancreas or gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, depression or suicidal thoughts before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. If you're nursing pregnant, plan to be or taking birth control pills. Taking Zepbound with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include nausea, diarrhea and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and worsen kidney problems. Discover the weight loss you could be bound for. Ask your healthcare provider about Zepbound or call 1-800-545-5979. Explore savings options regardless of insurance status at SaveOnZepbound.com Terms and Conditions apply.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by T Mobile 5G Home Internet. Mark and I have known each other since college and we connected fast.

[Mark]

Oh yeah? How fast?

[Bob]

Like t mobile 5G home Internet fast?

[Mark]

Well, in fact, I bet you can literally hop online in less than 15 minutes and connect with their fast speeds at a great price, no matter what your budget looks like.

[Wade]

On top of that, you don't have to worry about your price changing thanks to a 5 year price guarantee.

[Bob]

I didn't feel any air quotes coming from you on that one. I'm not gonna lie.

[Mark]

With their fast 5G speeds, quick 15 minute setup and 5 year price guarantee, you really can't ask for a better Setup.

[Wade]

Visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check availability guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds vary to the factor affecting cellular networks. Guarant guarantee exclusions and details@t mobile.com Home Internet We've done episodes where we've talked about things like tier lists for Santa and ginger dead men and stuff like that.

[Bob]

Yeah, sure.

[Wade]

But it's time for us to look deeper into the folklore things like the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, Santa. We need more mascots, but we need them for like adults folklore mascots to help adults accomplish tasks. Kids have a few. Adults need some. So we need like an Easter Bunny or Tooth fairy equivalent for some different things. And I've got some topics and you guys can either disagree or work together to come up with the right mascot. It's really up to you. This is all about creating the best that we can. And we're going to start with one that you know, Bob, I guess I should have given you like a segue point, but I didn't and I'm too lazy now.

[Mark]

I'll take it.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's totally fair.

[Wade]

There you go, Mark. You got it.

[Mark]

Thank you.

[Wade]

When you have like a yard, you have to worry about which people have like rock gardens or apartments, which is nice because you get to avoid this. But like if you have a yard and you have like any kind of gardening and stuff you need to do, you have to worry about weeds mowing the grass and tree trimming and bush trimming and all that stuff. We need a mascot for that. We need. We need someone to come in and reward you for doing your yard work. So, you know, Easter bunny brings a basket. Santa brings presents. Tooth fairy leaves money under your pill. We got to figure out what they're going to leave, what you have to do, and what they look like, who they are. This is our first task. The yard.

[Mark]

All right, so before he gets started, tell me everything you just said again.

[Wade]

Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny. But for yard work.

[Mark]

I hear you. The whole thing, I was not paying attention for the explanation of it. I was not paying attention for any of it.

[Wade]

Okay, let me throw out some words here. Folklore.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

Easter Bunny.

[Mark]

Gotcha.

[Wade]

Tooth Fairy, Santa.

[Bob]

Probably not real.

[Mark]

Whoa.

[Bob]

Yikes.

[Wade]

So we're gonna make our own that could be real. Maybe we can wish them into reality for yard work. So we're gonna create, like, the Tooth fairy or Santa that are going to be encouraging for adults to do yard work. We got other topics, but this is the first one. Yard work's the first one. Create for me who is going to reward you and what they give you for doing your yard work.

[Bob]

I can't get out of my head. I'm seeing, like, a flying rake. The rake. You're talking about the rake. This is. This is kind of a. Kind of a Krampus figure. It's not that you are rewarded with good things for doing the yard work. It's that the rake is not going to hurt you if you do what you're supposed to do. But if you don't do the yard work, the rake comes and rakes you into its giant sack and then flies you away to some big compost heap or something, and you have to smell for the rest of eternity. I don't know if the rake can talk or if it's really more of just like a if it shows up, that's bad news and you know it type situation. I just can't get this image out of my head.

[Wade]

All right. A different take on the rake, which is a cryptid.

[Bob]

We could call him Rakeman. Sky rake.

[Mark]

No. Let's workshop it. Let's kick it at the workshop.

[Bob]

Raker.

[Mark]

Yeah. All right. Okay. Don't like that last one.

[Bob]

It's gonna rake ya.

[Mark]

Don't like it.

[Bob]

He's gonna rake you into a sack. He's gonna come and. And then dump you in a pile of shit. Shit sack.

[Mark]

Is it a person? Is it, like, just a floating rake?

[Bob]

It's. It's just the rake, I think. It can't talk, but it can project thoughts into your brain. So it's that kind of thing where, like, if the rake appears and you make you look at it and, like, make it lock eye contact with it, you'll get like, that voice in your head if you lock onto it. You're like, you should have mowed the lawn by now. Come outside so I can get you into my sack.

[Wade]

It knows when you've been weeding. It knows when water's due.

[Bob]

It's kind of demonic. I guess that's where that's coming from.

[Mark]

Well, the thing is, like, mowing your lawn and keeping your lawn nice is just a societal construct. So is the rake actually a natural force, or is it some kind of imposed creation to enforce this?

[Bob]

Oh, it's like an AI autonomous rake that's just gone crazy.

[Mark]

It's like an HOA thing.

[Wade]

Yeah, HOA folklore.

[Mark]

I mean, the HOA would be some embodiment of the yard demon to make sure you does your work, but. Okay, let's. I'm okay with the rake so long as this is an HOA experiment in the HOA labs to create the demon of our nightmares. To enforce the policy like, it looks at the approved shrubbery list, and if there's even a single leaf that's not right on your bush, it rips them all up. I've had that happen before.

[Bob]

You're out there mowing your lawn, trying to follow the rules, and the rake appears in front of you and walks on him. I notice your door is a non approved color. We're gonna need you to repaint your entire house.

[Mark]

We can see your garbage cans from the curb. You're gonna need to cover them or.

[Wade]

Bring them around the back.

[Mark]

But it's a. It's an elevation change to the backyards and whole floor down build a paddock. This happened to Ethan.

[Bob]

Yeah, I like that. That is scary. I think everyone could agree that we don't like that. The HOA rake.

[Mark]

Yeah, we don't like that. I like him. So long as it's HOA made, I think I'm okay with this.

[Bob]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Wade]

Maybe you guys could go terrifying with this one too. I don't know, but what about one that helps adults maintain friendships and relationships? Sometimes as we get older, we have jobs, we have families, lives, and we kind of grow apart. But it's important to maintain some friendships and some socializing. And I think we need a mascot to help encourage or reward that or punish if you don't I guess not.

[Bob]

All gonna be negative. I just. It just felt right for yard work to me. They can be positive.

[Wade]

You're. You're right. And I didn't consider it. I'm. I'm opening the door for all possibilities here.

[Mark]

So what were you saying, man?

[Wade]

The paying attention points definitely going to Bob.

[Mark]

But did you. Did you get a new category? What's the new category?

[Wade]

Maintaining friendships and relationships.

[Mark]

Of course.

[Wade]

We'Re finding new ones if your previous ones suck.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So it's the friendship demon, Right?

[Wade]

Okay.

[Mark]

I mean, I'm just saying. Is that right? They're all demons of some kind.

[Bob]

Is this a nice demon?

[Mark]

No. Yes. Yes, it is very nice. But I'm thinking, you know, it's. It's like maintaining friendships is also responsible for putting people in the friend zone. Like they are. They're not evil by nature, but they're a magnetic force to be only friends and keep you as friends. So they repel you away from anything more deeper and, like, elevating to relationships and whatnot or, you know, romantic relationships, but they also keep you in the friend zone.

[Wade]

Why do I feel like we're going to encourage people to perform exorcisms on those that friend zone them?

[Mark]

Hey, whatever it takes. It's the friend zone entity. The F, Z, E, the Fuzzy Bob, Help me with the name here.

[Bob]

Kids call them Fozies.

[Mark]

Yeah. You get what I'm saying, right? It's this ring. It's like the purity ring, you know, but of friends.

[Bob]

They help you keep your friends. They're the Warm Fuzzies.

[Mark]

Mm. Yeah. Yeah. The Warm Fuzzies.

[Wade]

Fuzz. The Warm Fuzzies. The Fozzies. What we calling it?

[Mark]

He just said it. Listen, Wade, next time Wade, Bob says something. Listen. Okay, all right. Okay.

[Wade]

I am stabbing you virtually in Minecraft. Allegedly.

[Bob]

I think you're allowed to stab him in Minecraft. I don't think you have to. Is there a punishment or. This. This doesn't feel like it has a punishment vibe. This is really more like. The thing is that. That you get friend zone. Right. There's a risk to this, but really what they do is they just magnetically attract you to other people. They magically encourage you to hang around other people.

[Mark]

Just.

[Bob]

The risk is, if you indulge the. The Warm Fuzzies, you can and will get friend zoned if you're not careful.

[Mark]

And what's funny is it applies the same things as, like, the. The. The weak nuclear force and, like, the strong nuclear. For to have Enough energy to enter beyond the friend zone. That would be fusion. It would result in a catastrophic explosion and everyone would die around. But also, if you were to escape, that would be fission and it would be a less catastrophic, but still very bad energetic release. So you're trapped in the friend zone, both by the forces that keep you there. But once you're there, you can neither get closer or escape or you kill everyone around you. It's like the friend ent horizon, the present horizon, the friend zone horizon. Bob, you're the name guy. You're the name guy.

[Bob]

Yeah, yeah. No, there's something in that. The if friend horizon.

[Mark]

Friendzent horizon.

[Bob]

Friend scape velocity.

[Mark]

Mmm.

[Bob]

The buddy horizon.

[Wade]

Making a Frida is a bit of an event. So what about just like an event.

[Bob]

The palhole or the chum hole. Ooh, the chum hole. What don't. You made us. You made us invent the chum hole. It's the chum hole.

[Mark]

It's a chum hole.

[Wade]

Hs are important. Don't lose yours.

[Mark]

I don't feel like anyone could misconstrue what we said.

[Wade]

I don't either. I definitely don't either.

[Bob]

I feel like that one is self explanatory.

[Wade]

This one, this one's a difficult one to deal with. And I think we can come up with a good, a good mascot to help with this. As we become adults and get older, we watch the adults that were adults when we were kids also get older. And that's hard. It's hard watching people age, including ourselves. True empaths understand how hard that can be. Okay, so we need something or someone to aid in helping us get through that.

[Bob]

This demon is called Pylosand. It's actually a demon that can possess small particles of sand and flies around, around in kind of a cloud form and can sense when someone is having this exact issue that you're talking about. And they're having a hard time coming to grips with seeing people that, that have always been older than them continue to be the same amount older than them. And not just being older, because everyone gets older because of how time works. And Pylosind comes and is summoned and goes from being a cloud, a spread out cloud of particles in the air, to a pile of sand on the ground. And you can just stick your head in that sand and then you don't have to see nothing. Pylosyn just wants you to not have to deal with the realities of the world, not have to face any emotions or complicated bullshit. You can just Stick your head in pylosant and everything is fine. Because if you ignore it, it's not real. That's Pyloson's message.

[Wade]

Mark, do you need help? Are you with this?

[Mark]

No. Shush. Your honor, please, shush. May I shush the bench? Okay, so getting. Watching people get older is, you know, it's. It's what I think of in the Watchmen.

[Bob]

You know, that three day long movie that everyone's seen.

[Wade]

Yeah, blue penis.

[Mark]

Yes, blue penis. That's exactly what I'm talking about. You remember what he said when his girlfriend, wife, whatever was yelling at him because he was cheating on her?

[Wade]

Does not.

[Mark]

Not being derogatory to her. She had.

[Bob]

You can't have any more blue penis. That's what he yelled at her. And then he went to Mars.

[Mark]

Yeah, pretty much. He said that he could. That when, you know, she. He was able to watch his wife grow older visibly every day. I think Dr. Manhattan is the entity for watching people get older because he can notice every single cell getting older as it goes along. And if you need to put things in perspective, you're like, oh, man, they're getting old so quickly. What do you think it's like to him? He'll. He'll show you both his penis and he'll zoom in microscopically so you can see like there's a cell. Oh, that cell. Oh, that cell didn't replicate so well. Oh, no. Oh, collagen depleting over there. Oh, no. Oh, bones getting a little porous. You know, I like Bob's.

[Bob]

I was just coming around to yours. I like the idea. You have like a, like a button or like a Dr. Manhattan symbol. And every time you summon him, he shows up and he's like, blue penis. And you're like, no, no, no, Mom's looking old. Like, can we, can you not. Not the penis thing. Just look at Mom. Let me know. Tell me how it's going.

[Mark]

Look, this penis doesn't get any older. You know what I mean?

[Wade]

Does get bluer.

[Mark]

Only bluer. I had a hate. I hate this. I hate this.

[Wade]

Dr. Manhattan or Pile. Pile of sand.

[Mark]

No. Yeah, don't. I withdraw mine.

[Bob]

It's called Pylosind.

[Wade]

Pyloson, but not Palossand, which is the Pokemon. All right, well, I don't know how to do the points on this because you agreed with Mark and Mark agreed with you, and neither one of you liked your own idea in the end. Or maybe you still did Bob, but marked it like his idea.

[Bob]

Whoever has the bluest penis should get that point.

[Mark]

Oh.

[Wade]

Mark doesn't count. You shove a carrot down there, that's orange. I bet your penis would be choking and turning blue from lack of oxygen.

[Mark]

What the fuck? I didn't choke.

[Wade]

But your penis did. Nothing.

[Bob]

Choked.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

All right, Bob, this one has more to do with you, but you both can definitely contribute to this parenting. You know, the pros, the cons, the struggles, the challenges of parenting. What mascot would be there that would help you get through the. Those ups and downs?

[Bob]

Is it supposed to help?

[Wade]

That's the idea.

[Mark]

Maybe it thinks that it helps, maybe it not supposed to, but.

[Bob]

So this demon takes the form of basically a Reddit. It's like a big online forum. And whatever current parenting issue you're coming up against, whether you want it or not, the moment in your head that you're like, oh, what do I do? Oh, it pops up filled with people giving you helpful advice. But the helpful advice is often in all caps, often has strong implications that you're abusing your child, or that you're unfit to be a parent, or that you should feel embarrassed about the decision that you've made, or that they're just talking about how they've never let their child even see the light of an electronic screen that they subsist on the dew of the morning grass and the power of the universe. And that's the only thing their child needs to be fully entertained and content on a day to day basis. So it's helpful. It's offering you helpful advice on every problem that you might come up against in that way.

[Wade]

Sorry, I got distracted by Mark's hand puppet. What do you mean? Bob, can you see this?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Oh, damn.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, it's still there.

[Mark]

All right, you guys are in full screen mode. I see, I see. All right.

[Wade]

Okay.

[Mark]

All right, never mind then. It's hoping to distract Wade, only there.

[Bob]

I won't look. You get Wade. I won't look.

[Mark]

All right, how about this? It's blending into my shirt.

[Wade]

Yeah, maybe on the wheel spin you can compare the colors. So tell us about your parenting mascot, Mark.

[Mark]

Can't be a parent without sex. Don't care what those uppities in the lab say. You gotta have sex to be a parent. I say we already have this mascot. This is Cupid. Maybe not responsible parenting, but I would say no other mascot has made more parents than Cupid. Whether or not this is drunk and in the backseat of a car. Oops, no condom. There's a baby, you know. Oh, no, I did it. There's a Baby, you know.

[Bob]

Ah, we fell down the stairs. Oh, no, Bab.

[Mark]

We all know here how babies are done.

[Bob]

Baby, you know, she went to shake my hand, and I.

[Mark]

Baby, I'm late filing my taxes and my period.

[Wade]

Baby. Doctor, we have broken every bone in our body throwing ourselves down the stairs, and we still can't get pregnant. What are we doing wrong?

[Mark]

Flip, baby.

[Bob]

Well, that was an easy. I like the simplicity of Mark Zamper.

[Mark]

Yeah, Cupid. He already is. There she is. Cupid.

[Wade]

A guy or girl, usually like a little babyman thing with a cherub.

[Bob]

It's like a cherub. Do they. Are they gendered? I mean, they look like. I think they're just kind of babies. I don't know.

[Mark]

What's the other one? Aphrodite. Isn't that also a God of love of some kind? The Greek.

[Wade]

Greek goddess of love.

[Mark]

Or is that the God of lust or something like that? God of lust versus love.

[Bob]

Hmm.

[Wade]

Lust is a sin.

[Mark]

Okay, we got Anansa, goddess of the sea, allure and beauty. Baron Lacroix, Loa of the dead in sexuality.

[Bob]

Whoa.

[Mark]

Interesting. This is from West African Congo. Vodoon. You got Baron Lacroix, Baron Samedi, and Ezruli, Freda Dahomey.

[Wade]

Ezruli the homie. What did you say?

[Mark]

You heard me as Ruly Frida Dahomey. Love, beauty, jewelry, dancing, luxury and flowers.

[Wade]

That's a nice combo, right?

[Mark]

That's a pretty good combo if you're rolling stats on that. You know, you're not. Sex isn't in there, but at least you're not the God of dead and sex.

[Wade]

You don't want to mix your sex and death.

[Mark]

Not always, anyway. I don't know what I was talking about.

[Bob]

Ah.

[Mark]

Greek is Greek is Aphrodite. Roman is Cupid.

[Wade]

Oh, okay. I didn't know Cupid was Rome.

[Mark]

No, but that's not the equivalent. Venus is the Roman equivalent of. Okay, I'm getting to think they didn't know what they were talking about.

[Wade]

I'm your Cupid. I'm your fire. Yeah, it does have the same ring to it.

[Mark]

It's him.

[Bob]

Cupid.

[Mark]

Get him.

[Wade]

Man. I've got some more of these, but I just wouldn't want to push. We'll probably have to do a whole other episode of this sometime, so I'm just gonna put those in the back burner.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by McDonald's new special edition gold sauce. There's nothing like the anticipation of when you know There's a new McDonald's sauce and you're waiting to get the chance to try it. Their special edition gold sauce is sweet, smoky, tangy, made to go on chicken. You have to go try it. New special edition gold sauce in McDonald's is made for your chicken favorites. It's as gold as it gets at McDonald's for a limited time. All right, I'm gonna go get some right now. I'm out of here. Going to get McDonald's.

[Mark]

I'll be that.

[Bob]

I'll come back.

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. Living in a big city like Cincinnati has challenges.

[Mark]

That's so big, man.

[Wade]

LA is big like Cincinnati.

[Mark]

Thankfully, Vitamin Water's new zero sugar flavors like rehydrate pineapple passion fruit squeezed lemonade and triple x acai blueberry pomegranate are packed with essential vitamins for when you're traveling across that big city.

[Wade]

So whatever the reason, grab a Vitamin water today.

[Mark]

Copyright 2025 Glasso, Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glasso. How many more? How many more?

[Wade]

You got six. We did like four. Guess part two. If people like this, maybe part two one day. In the meantime, let me go through the points I did record. I'll start with myself. I had at least 17 points. Probably. Let's see, I got one. Dumbbell porn. No dumbbell pun.

[Mark]

Dumbbell porn.

[Wade]

Dumbbell pun.

[Mark]

I hope someone took out their headphones at that exact moment that you said it and it played loud. Dumbbell porn.

[Wade]

Porn alert. Porn alert. Porn alert.

[Mark]

This guy's listening to porn.

[Wade]

Hopefully that helps someone at their job. Bob, you got points for the new Jungle because it reminded me of the Fridge Jungle. Unus annus is dead. Weed. Trimmer noises. Rake. Giant sack. Jaguar. Warm fozzies. Fuzzies. So this demon. Because you just kept saying the callbacks to this demon. I like that. The Reddit demon. And did you say palossand? The Pokemon Pilasan. Pile of sand. Pile. Sand. Sand. Mark, you got points for Da Vinci. Henry's orange tree. An AI assassin. Your cord. Nick Hart. I don't remember Nick Hart.

[Mark]

He's from Black Magic Design.

[Wade]

Blackmagic Design. Cracker Barrel. That says Cracker Barrel. Bob's point. Because Bob agreed to give you a point at one point.

[Bob]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Wade]

HOA experiment. Friendship demon. Shush. The bench. Dr. Manhattan. I don't know. Fusions, explosions, Something rambling. And Cupid makes parents. That brings our current score. Mark at 12, Bob at 9, me at 1. The switching of Bob's point really made a difference here.

[Bob]

I declare unfair on the final point totals.

[Mark]

Okay, what. What are we gonna. No points, no points, no points. If no points, that would make it.

[Wade]

Yeah. So what. What does this change? Do I reverse them?

[Bob]

If it is unfair and I win, I think they should be reversed. And if it's. If it's fair, then they'd stay the same. And if it's to be made doubly fair, I guess Mark should probably get double points or some shit.

[Wade]

Well, no, everyone would get double points. It'd be doubly fair.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's true. And then we'd be doubly distant, but not impossibly distant. Well, it'd still be impossibly distant. All right, all right.

[Wade]

So I reverse the points if it's.

[Bob]

If it's all heads.

[Wade]

Okay.

[Bob]

I got heads.

[Mark]

Oh, oh.

[Wade]

I got head. But hold on. If I reverse the points, don't I end up with 12?

[Mark]

No, you don't. It's just me and him.

[Wade]

Ah, fuck. I really thought I was gonna give myself the win there.

[Bob]

I can't believe that worked.

[Wade]

Fine.

[Mark]

I could still win this, though.

[Bob]

If we get golf rules now, I'm gonna fucking riot.

[Wade]

Well, let's see the wheels I've got. We get to see how many spins we get. The more the better for Mark, who was winning this until Bob's perfect heads.

[Mark]

Coin flip call, which I don't know how I was winning it. Honestly, I think that was an appropriate unfair. Because I was not paying attention the entire episode. I'm not gonna lie.

[Bob]

Yeah, Mark was literally not even paying attention half the time. I was really. I was really working here. I was really doing stuff.

[Wade]

I just wrote stuff down. Don't ask me. I just keep the points.

[Bob]

All right, how many points shall there one wheel spin to rule them all?

[Mark]

God damn. It better be golf rules. God damn.

[Wade]

Do we have free parking? Just nothing happens.

[Mark]

We have a do nothing square, I think, but I don't know. We have something called. You could put free parking.

[Wade]

Oh, man, I really want free parking. Free parking.

[Mark]

Now, do we play the monopoly rules where some penalty goes on free parking? If you land on free parking, the points accrue on free parking.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. No. What if. What if every point that's taken away goes into free parking?

[Mark]

We'd have to keep track of it, but I think it'd be fun.

[Bob]

I could have the wheel up and just keep adding. Anytime a point gets taken away. We'd have to remember.

[Wade]

But if we remember it, sure, why not?

[Bob]

I'll put zero points on it right now. Does. Does it start with anything or does it start at zero?

[Wade]

It starts at zero and then like, as. Like you pay bills and stuff, they start accruing. But the first time someone lands there, it could be at nothing.

[Bob]

If we can remember, anytime points are taken away, they go into free parking.

[Mark]

Okay. Every time points are taken away, they go to free parking.

[Wade]

Okay. Weird scenario. What if points are taken away and then, like, unfair is declared and those points are. Or the lie thing happens where they become points. Do they still stay on free parking because they were originally negative points?

[Bob]

It's like. It's like magic rules. Once. Once a stack is resolved, that those are all done so you can unwind specific parts. But, like, the free parking is in its own separate thing. I think that's.

[Wade]

Hey, I like it. Let's do it.

[Mark]

All right.

[Bob]

One spin to rule them all.

[Wade]

All right.

[Mark]

This is gonna be a hell of a point.

[Bob]

I swear to God, if it surprised golf rules.

[Mark]

All right.

[Bob]

Most traveled since last episode. I haven't gone anywhere.

[Mark]

Yeah, I haven't really gone anywhere either.

[Bob]

I went 10 minutes away from my house once.

[Mark]

I went to an office, which is.

[Wade]

The same distance, but probably took twice or three times the time to get to.

[Bob]

Yeah. Mark drove a mile, which is about an hour and a half in LA traffic, so.

[Mark]

Okay. Wow. All right. It wasn't actually that bad.

[Bob]

Do we want to re spin this?

[Wade]

Probably. If we can't really determine who traveled the most, it's probably a respin.

[Bob]

Don't do it to me. Don't do it to me.

[Mark]

No. Oh. Oh, my. Holy. You gotta be kidding me.

[Bob]

God, no.

[Mark]

Oh.

[Bob]

We have 66 options. There was a 1 in 66 chance of that happening.

[Wade]

You won the coin flip just to get golf ruled?

[Mark]

Oh, man.

[Wade]

That's crazy. That's a crazy finish.

[Mark]

Oh, man.

[Wade]

Bob continues to be screwed by random chance even when it's on his side.

[Bob]

I don't understand.

[Wade]

That was what, a 1 in 6?

[Bob]

1 in 66.

[Wade]

But with the go with the coin.

[Bob]

Flip included, because, oh, the coin flip was a 1 in 8.

[Wade]

So 1 in 8 times 1 in 66 chance. The odds of the coin flip favoring you just for you to lose that. That. It's probably worse than that. I don't know. Anyway, Mark, you are back on top. You win.

[Mark]

Is this my winner speech?

[Wade]

Yeah, please.

[Mark]

I didn't pay attention at all. But I was paying attention when it counted, when that wheel was spinning. And much like everything in my life, as soon as I start paying attention to it, it becomes real. Everything that's out of my periphery is not real. We are only what we observe to be. And once we stop observing might as well be dead. Because we are. Thank you.

[Wade]

Well said.

[Mark]

Bob.

[Wade]

I hope you've had a minute to formulate your loser speech because the ups and downs of the last few minutes for you you are severe.

[Bob]

The overall probability of that happening is.19%.

[Wade]

19 times in a thousand. Is that what it is? Or night is even worse than that.

[Bob]

Yeah. No. 19,000ths.

[Wade]

19 times in a 10 and 10,000.

[Bob]

Oh no. Yeah. That would be 19 10,000 or. Or a little less than 2000. Two out of a thousand. I deserve that. I deserve that. I knew I was. I knew I was tempting the fates. What I decided to call the entire result of the episode unfair. I knew that that was a stretch. I thought it'd be funny and I didn't think I'd get the the one in a chance of getting all heads. I just thought it would be funny and I could put. I could protest and it would give me and. And then I brought it on myself.

[Mark]

Honestly.

[Bob]

I manifested invested that into my own life and I have no one to blame but myself. I run the wheel and it's literally just a piece of software I downloaded from the Microsoft store. There's no way to manipulate how it outcomes that's so unlikely. I don't. I deserve that.

[Wade]

If it makes you feel any better, I actually threw because surprise golf rules. I was on the scoreboard. So I think with surprise golf rules being as anyone who's on the scoreboard is eligible when golf rules comes about aren't they? It's not just the two competitors.

[Bob]

We had sort of talked about that being a possibility.

[Mark]

I think we reserved it for the viewers and listeners. But you know I forgot that you were on the board.

[Wade]

I forgot I didn't submit my scorecard in time. So it's like I had the winning lotto ticket but the numbers expired.

[Bob]

If no one noticed and you already said that Mark was wins then there's really nothing that can be done.

[Wade]

He you guys did the speeches and I just now looked down as like wait. I was the lowest score. I deserve this loss too. I guess so okay. Episode me. Great job you two. You can find market markiplier Bob at my skirm me at minion 77 or Lord minion 777. Stay tuned for the next one Stay tuned for the next one where Mark will host. I had to double check. I've been the score changed so dramatically. I had to double check the final results were Mark will be your host. Until then, podcast out.

[Ad Read Announcer]

Your teen adjective used to describe an individual whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained, one who navigates life on their own terms, effortlessly. They do not always show up on time, but when they arrive, you notice an individual confident in their contradictions. They know the rules, but behave as if they do not exist. New Teen the new fragrance by Miu Miu, defined by you.