Get More Faster

Summary

Distractible – "Get More Faster"
December 8, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

The trio behind Distractible—Mark, Wade, and Bob—deliver their signature blend of absurdity, competitive antics, and improv with this week’s episode: "Get More Faster." The main event is a rapid-fire game challenging Mark and Wade to explain simple tasks in sequentially shorter periods, devolving from full explanations into barely-coherent noises, songs, and running gags. This episode stands out for its playful rivalry, unscripted musical performances, and relentless riffing on ordinary routines.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Opening Banter & Show Vibes (03:07-06:35)

• Bob describes the podcast as "basically an episode of Saturday Night Live" (03:42).
• The hosts discuss SNL vs. Mad TV influences and the oddly sad nature of internet video recommendations, referencing "watch mojo 20 saddest movie scenes" (04:13-04:43).
• Running joke: They’re contractually obligated to be friends for the show. (“Not that awkward, look, just because everyone knows we aren’t friends anymore...doesn’t mean we can’t talk about that openly.” – Mark, 06:13)

2. Life Updates & “Iron Lung” Movie Plug (06:41-08:54)

• Mark drops the release date for his movie, “Iron Lung” (Jan 30, 2026), and jokes about its coincidental promotional crossover with "Five Nights at Freddy's."
  • “Tickets are on sale now. It’s actually a thing.” (Mark, 07:00)
  • "Finally, after so many years, I can finally say it's coming out." (07:23)
• Discussion of cosplay potential (blood-themed) and the irony of movie trailer timing.

3. Nose Troubles, Surgery Google Reviews & Barbershop Mishaps (09:06-10:09)

• Wade reveals his deviated septum and skepticism over surgery after reading alarming reviews.

  • “One of them was like, I don’t see the same after getting my septum fixed. I was like, that doesn’t seem right.” (09:39)

• Barbershop comedy ensues:

  • Mark: “Oh, you can go harder than that... She grabbed my head, like, stretched it out.” (03:18)
  • “Can I get a hickey while you shave my head?” (Wade, 10:04)

4. The "Get More Faster" Game (11:02–42:01)

Game Mechanics:

Bob hosts an improv-inspired game—essentially a speedrun of explanations. Mark and Wade must instruct on simple tasks (making a PB&J, boiling an egg, mailing a letter, getting dressed, changing a car's oil) in successively halved durations: first a minute, then 30 seconds, 15, 8, 4, 2 seconds, etc., with each retelling expected to include the same (or more) steps, often reduced to hilariously cryptic phrases or sound effects.

Game Rounds and Highlights:

Making a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich (12:38–16:52)

• Wade’s thorough instructions devolve to, “Three key ingredients upset. Tum dum. Four slice, two. One sandwich spoon. Hike. Time to spare.” (Mark, 15:18)
• Notable confusion over the correct order and number of ingredients, and persistent references to “time to spare.”

Boiling a Hard-Boiled Egg (17:11–20:24)

• Mark over-explains, referencing boiling methods, elevation, and “egg-shaped egg cook timers.”
  • “Buy one of those egg-shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs.” (17:47)
• Wade and Mark parody each other’s instructions until the process reduces to “hot egg, cold shock, eat.” (Mark, 20:04)
• Running gag: "Shock, shock, shock, shock! Ice that bitch." (Wade, 19:04)

Mailing a Letter (22:13–25:36)

• Wade’s step-by-step guide: “Envelope. Stamp, pen and paper... write your address, stamp on the right, mailbox, flag, boing, you’re done.” (22:29)
• Mark summarizes: “Don’t look at my misconceptions. Look at my paper... mailbox. Boing.” (25:04)
• At the lowest time increments, responses compress to a single evolving sound effect; Wade delivers: “The was the licking and the boing was the mailbox.” (25:57)

Getting Dressed (26:56–31:14)

• Mark turns his instructions into an on-the-fly ballad about the morning dressing ritual:
  • “When you wake up in the morning, and open your eyes and you look down south? Nothing on your thighs...” (27:01)
• Wade attempts a similar rhyme-heavy summary, with priority to critical steps: “Open your eyes, cover your thighs. Go outside with your will, get the big thrill hill. Go inside. Gloves, hat, watch, jewelry...” (30:02)
• Mark jokes his fastest method is “I got dressed the night before.” (30:25)

Changing Car Oil (32:14–37:45)

• Wade, unsure of actual procedure, constructs a wild rhyming narrative involving “bedpan” and illegal oil disposal:
  • “You go down low, you remove bedpan, the oil drips out... you dump it in the ocean—to get arrested for pollution and now you’re in jail but your car’s nice and won’t fail.” (32:40–33:36)
• Later, narrative twists: Mark dies via electrocution (“Oh. Electrocuted himself to death with time to spare.” – Bob, 34:36), and Wade pivots to inheriting the car: “So your friend just died, he had a shocking ride. He tried to change the oil, but it definitely was spoiled.” (35:03)
• By the shortest responses, players resort to, “I’m rich—come fix, time to spare.” (Wade, 37:17)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On SNL Show Format:
  • “It’s like Saturday Night Live. We started the show before the show. We do cold open sometimes.” – Bob (03:42)
• On PB&J Instructions:
  • “Three key ingredients upset. Tum dum. Four slice, two. One sandwich spoon. Hike. Time to spare.” – Mark (15:18)
• On Deviated Septum Surgery:
  • “One of them was like, I don’t see the same after getting my septum fixed. I was like, that doesn’t seem right.” – Wade (09:39)
• On Dressed-The-Night-Before Hack:
  • “I got dressed the night before.” – Mark (30:25)
• On Making Mistakes:
  • “It is so much more fun playing a fool than it ever is being smart.” – Wade (36:40)
• Best Accidental/Intentional Wordplay:
  • “Did you say pussy pop?...He said Tootsie Pop.” – Mark, Wade, Bob (10:22–10:30)
• Banana Break:
  • “Nothing stupider than saying banana. Nothing.” – Mark (38:53)

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Point Tally, Game Results & Finale (40:29–47:32)

• Judges award points for moments of humor, confusion, musicality, and accidental filth (e.g., “pussy pop”).
  • Final Tally: Wade: 9, Mark: 6
• Bob notes, “Points were hard to come by today. I usually give them out. I’m usually a point slut. But today I was in no mood.” (41:12)
• Mark’s “loser” speech is interrupted by laughter and plugs for Iron Lung: “Anyway, I lost. But hey, did I really? When you can buy tickets for Iron Lung right now...” (44:29)
• Wade’s “winner” speech likewise detours into a genuine plug for Mark’s film: “Like, he’s our friend, we want to support him...” (45:03)
• Closing banter includes inside jokes (“mouthful of private parts” about 6/9 scores), life milestones, and merch plugs.

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Notable Timestamps

| Segment/Highlight | Timestamp | |------------------------------------|------------| | SNL-Style Show Description | 03:42 | | Iron Lung Release Date & Plug | 06:41–07:23| | PB&J Game Starts | 12:38 | | Mark’s One-Second PB&J Recap | 16:32 | | Boiling an Egg Goes Surreal | 17:11–20:24| | Wade’s “Sound Effect” Mail Answer | 25:36 | | Mark’s Improv Song (Getting Dressed)| 27:01 | | Changing Oil: Wade’s Epic Fail/Saga| 32:40–33:36| | “Banana” Gag | 38:53 | | Points Recap + Pussy Pop Bit | 40:29–41:10| | Final Tallies, Winner & Loser | 43:10–44:29|

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Episode Tone & Style

True to Distractible’s brand, the episode is irreverent, fast-paced, and self-referential. The hosts maintain a chaotic but ultimately good-hearted rivalry, with the hallmarks of inside jokes, sarcastic one-upmanship, and gleeful sabotage of both the game mechanics and each other’s dignity. The improvisational "speedrun" format pushes them into comedic territory, yielding accidental hilarity and memorable quotes—from mishaps about “bedpans” to repeated shout-outs to “Iron Lung.”

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Summary

"Get More Faster" is a showcase of Distractible’s core: friends goofing off, spiraling through layers of silly competition and meta-commentary until the routines are unrecognizable. Whether distilling egg-boiling to “hot egg, cold shock, eat” or narrating the perils of home oil changes in rhyme, Mark, Wade, and Bob keep things light and unruly. Plugs for Mark’s movie “Iron Lung” and reveals about the hosts’ lives are peppered between punchlines, encapsulating their ongoing theme: life’s funnier and richer when you don’t take yourself too seriously.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

You mean Facebook Marketplace? Because all of my gifts that I got you guys are from other people that I found on Facebook Marketplace and the incredible deals that I got from them.

[C]

I made my own Secret Santa group so I could give things to myself. And I have been shopping on Facebook Marketplace since you guys mentioned it. And boy, oh boy, the amount of things I can get. For me, there are so many things. Everything is here on Facebook.

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

This episode is presented by Panda Express. It shouldn't be difficult, and maybe it's a bit silly, but we've all been there. Sometimes saying I love you is just hard. Whether it's your partner, someone in your family, a good friend. But when you order tasty, authentically cooked American Chinese cuisine from Pand Express, they'll know what you mean. Because sharing some delicious orange chicken or my personal favorite, the honey walnut shrimp. That means more than words, right? So have you eaten yet? Order now or find your nearest Panda Express.

[D]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable this episode, Bilateral Bob declares the podcast snl, then gets a guy a speedrun statement. Musical Mark drops the date of iron lung. Buy tickets now. Then becomes an opera singer. Wigless Wade has a schnoz situation. The perfect popsicle, and laughs so hard he turns red. From healing bumps to festive merch.

It's time for Get More Faster.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy this.

[C]

So she was going really light with the razor and then one of the hairstylists came up. That was like helping trainer. She's like, oh, you can go harder than that. And I was like, oh. She's like, really? And she grabbed my head, like, stretched it out.

[E]

I was like, just like, yep, that's the spot.

[B]

I mean, it looks good. Doesn't look butchered.

[C]

I'm not gonna turn around. I have no idea what the back looks like, but I can feel the bumps of healing. The bumps of healing. The sequel to the Grapes of Wrath.

[A]

It's actually my favorite spell in World of Warcraft. Hey, welcome to another episode of Distractible. It's like Saturday Night Live. We started the show before the show. We do cold open sometimes. It's totally fine. If you've never seen the show before, that would be the most accurate way to describe it to you. Get ready for basically an episode of Saturday Night Live. That's what we do here. The saxophone guy does the saxophone thing with the band and then we have a celebrity guest and all that stuff. It's totally what's about to happen. You'll see.

[B]

I'm a mad TV kind of guy, you know, I don't really watch that.

[A]

I've been getting a lot of mad TV clips lately and I forgot how much I liked that show because I.

[B]

Haven'T watched it forever, unironically. My stepdad was a huge mad TV guy, so I would watch it.

[C]

I've been getting a lot of like the watch mojo 20 saddest movie scenes of all time kind of stuff. And it's like, why everything is like five saddest deaths. What? What if. Why am I getting this?

[A]

You just give off big sad death vibes.

[C]

Yeah. The opening, like 20 minutes of up. They're like, watch everyone react to the first 10 minutes of up. And I'm like, please, is there anything happy on the Internet?

[A]

For me, those aren't even. That's. Those are never real. It's like those videos where it's like the first time I ever heard Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen and it's like a 33 year old influencer Like, I know you've heard this song before. Like there's just a 0% chance you never happen to hear one of the most popular songs and stadium songs.

[C]

40 year old musicians, first time hearing music.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Or like those drumeos where they're like, this guy's toured with Michael Jackson and Katy Perry and Chicago and he's never heard of Miles Davis.

[C]

I opened for Metallica, but I never listened to him.

[A]

Anyway, that's the show you're about to hear. I'm the host because I won the last one. These two other voices and or faces that you're seeing and or hear hearing. Scratch that. Reverse it. They're competing to host the next one because they're this. It's the three. We're the three guys.

[C]

We're the three distraction guys. Rebrand the three guys.

[A]

The three friends. Three amigos was already taken, but I feel like it has the same two.

[C]

And friends featuring Markiplier.

[B]

I don't know if I have any friends anymore.

[F]

Oof.

[B]

Ooh.

[F]

Just kidding.

[B]

I've got lots of friends.

[A]

Oh, was it awkward? Mark, you get an. You get an awkward point.

[B]

Not that awkward. Look, just because everyone knows that we aren't friends anymore and we just only do this because contractual obligations doesn't mean that we can't talk about that openly.

[A]

Right? That's true.

[C]

There's a contract.

[A]

You don't need to know about that. That's fine. You're the. You're the middle ground. Yay. I do have a game prepared, as per usual, but small talk. Anything going on with you guys?

[C]

Oh, let me start. Because my life's been so incredible. No, not Mark. Go for it.

[F]

January 30th.

[C]

Iron long.

Of what year?

[B]

2026.

[A]

Yeah, I forgot. That changes soon. Yikes.

[C]

The fact that you came up with the concept, got all the filming and editing done in one year is kind of crazy.

[B]

I know, right? I know. I'm very efficient. I'm streamlining the whole process. But yeah, tickets are on sale now. It's actually a thing. The trail found Trail is out on my channel at the time of recording this. It's not, which is funny.

[C]

All right, can you send me over some cosplay ideas so I can go to the theater fully dressed up?

[B]

Blood.

[C]

That's all my. That's all my wardrobe consists of these days. Blood and tears.

[B]

Well, yeah. Finally, after so many years, I can finally say it's coming out. You can get tickets now if you want. It is purely a coincidence. The trailer and tickets went on Sale the day that Five Nights at Freddy's came to theaters. It is a co.

Utter coincidence. It was not planned.

[C]

Interesting, interesting.

[B]

And that we had our premiere on that very day.

[F]

It's all a coincidence.

[C]

The King of Falung.

[B]

Funny thing about that, though, is we did have an idea, because eventually the trailer's gonna be in theaters running before other movies. And Amy and I had an idea that we would target the Five Nights at Freddy's movie. And I would like. You get in the movie, the lights go out, and then suddenly it's just me in there.

[F]

In the Five Nights at Freddy's Movie.

[G]

It'.

[A]

What?

[F]

Guys, I'm not in this movie.

But you know what movie I will be in? Get a load. Iron Lung, two theaters down.

[B]

Thought that would be funny.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I don't know if we can target that specifically, but that would be really, honestly, really funny.

[A]

It would be really effective too. You know, people seeing that movie would see you and be like, oh, oh, well, I have to go see that now. And they would leave and they would never watch the. It's the second one. This is the second one, right? One of those already came out.

[B]

Well, unfortunately, it's rated R, So.

[A]

Oops.

[C]

Is FNAF also rated R?

[A]

It's PG 13 in it.

[B]

PG 13.

[C]

Oh, so iron Lung's gonna be better than it.

[B]

Yeah, it's a higher rating. That's how it works.

[A]

It's at the very least, gonna be way cooler.

[C]

Oh, we are once again recording in a late evening where all of us are at the top of our game and definitely not feeling tired.

[A]

I can hear out of two ears.

[C]

I can smell out of one nostril.

[A]

Are you sick or you just have allergies? Because it's winter and you really shouldn't have allergies.

[C]

Well, according to my doctor, I've got a deviated septum, and I can only ever smell out of one nostril, which makes sense, but I've been living that life for as long as I can. I don't remember ever breaking my nose or anything. So it's one of those things where it's like, it's always been this way. I just especially feel it today.

[A]

Isn't there a procedure to fix that? There is.

[C]

And I was looking at reviews, and some people are like, oh, this is the best thing I ever did. And some people are like, I wish I'd never done this. It was fine before compared to what they did to me. Like, maybe I'm fine.

[A]

So useful as ever. Got it. Thanks, Internet.

[C]

And one of them was like, I don't see the same after getting my septum fixed. I was like, that doesn't seem right. Oh, you can see. Look, my neck is still red from the razor burn.

[B]

I thought they were shaving your head.

[C]

Well, they. The whole.

[B]

Yeah, all right, trainee, get in there.

They do the hot towel, they shampoo.

[C]

You.

[B]

Send you off, smack you on the ass.

[A]

So they call the double mvp.

[C]

Oh, yeah, Special request.

[A]

Can I just.

[C]

Can I get a hickey while you shave my head?

[B]

Hey, do you guys do hickeys in here?

[F]

Can you do that thing where.

[B]

Oh, I don't remember the name. Where you put your lips on my neck and you suck real hard, you know?

[C]

Do you do that here?

[A]

The Dracula thing?

[C]

Treat it like a Tootsie Pop, give it three licks and then bite.

[B]

Did you say pussy Pop?

[C]

No.

[A]

What did you say?

[B]

I heard pussy pop.

[A]

He said Tootsie Pop.

[F]

I heard pussy pop, you sick bastard.

[A]

Treat it like a pussy Pop.

[F]

How could you say such a thing? That is offensive.

[C]

Today's episode of Distractable is actually brought to you.

[B]

Sing this theme song, Wade.

[A]

No, my favorite is when the owl eats the pussy pop. He always does it right.

[C]

A one, a two.

[A]

Don't make that sound. Nope. You know, today's game is going to be good because it's an idea that's basically stolen from Mark and also from improv comedy.

[C]

Am I improv comedy?

[A]

No, you're not involved, Mark. Previously hosted episode called Get More Stupider, Possibly multiple episodes, if I recall. Well, this one is not about getting stupider, but it is about getting faster. Today I want you guys to explain to me how to do some fairly simple tasks or how things work. But we're gonna play it in the form of Half Life, which is an improv game where you take turns. Well, actually, you don't take turns in the normal improv, but you go round, round after round. Each round, the time is cut in half. So the first time you do a scene for. I don't know, it's usually kind of long. It's like a few minutes, and then some. Whatever happens in that scene. Then you have a minute and a half to do that scene. And then you have a half of that. What's that, 45 seconds? And then you have. You know, I should have picked an easier math number, but you know what I'm saying. I have some stuff I want you guys to explain to me, but you're not going to have to do it on your own. You're Going to go back and forth. So we're going to flip a coin to see who goes first. And I'm going to give the first person a minute to explain to me whatever thing, and then we're going to go back and forth. You get a minute, then you get 30 seconds, and the other person gets 15 seconds, and the other person gets. We'll call it eight, generously.

[C]

Ooh.

[A]

Then four, then two, then one. Okay, I feel like four, then two might be enough. But bald is heads. Mark is lying. Still don't know why I picked this coin that doesn't have heads and tails on it. It's because I'm so smart. Bald it is.

[B]

And we're incapable of buying new things. I understand.

[A]

So, Wade, you get to go first. I would like you to describe to me how you would make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in one minute.

[C]

One minute.

[A]

Commence.

[C]

All right, so, to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, you need three key ingredients. Bread, peanut butter, and jelly. And as I actually learned in real life this week, make sure your ingredients are fresh. Otherwise might upset your tum tum.

So I get a plate. Put for me four slices of burgers. I want two sandwiches, but two slices of bread. Get peanut butter, get jelly. Get a spoon, get a knife, because those are the proper tools for making the sandwich. Put the knife in the peanut butter, spread it on one side.

[E]

Spread that peanut butter with that knife.

[C]

That's what you want to do. Get the spoon, put it in the.

[E]

Jelly, Spread that jelly on the other slice. Put the two together.

[C]

Peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Nom. With time to spare.

[F]

How am I gonna remember all that? How the fuck am I.

[A]

All right, okay.

[E]

How do you remember how to make a PB and J?

[F]

No, I have to say what you said is that.

[C]

Oh, I wouldn't listen to the rules, you fucking asshole.

[B]

All right, gotta go quick.

[F]

I'm gonna forget.

[A]

Mark. Ready, set, 30 seconds.

[F]

You ever want to make a peanut butter jelly?

[B]

When I make a peanut butter jelly because I like it or something, you get out your.

[C]

Your.

[F]

You get three key ingredients. You get your bread, your jelly, your peanut butter. Make sure it's fresh or else you'll die upset.

[A]

Tom.

[F]

Tom. And then you get out your. Your jelly, your spoon, your knife, because those are the correct ingredients. You get out four slices of bread, throw them to the side, get two of those breads, put them down, spread, spoon out the jelly, spread out the peanut butter, flap it all together, eat it or something.

[B]

I don't know.

[F]

Time to spare.

[A]

I thought you Were doing it on purpose, Wade. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Holy.

[A]

Take that.

Wait. You get 15 seconds.

[C]

Oh, God. All right.

[A]

Ready, set, go.

[E]

Make a peanut butter jelly.

[C]

You need three key ingredients. Peanut butter, jelly, and bread. Tell them you don't use fresh ingredients. So here's what you do. You get four slices of bread. Only two for one sandwich, though. You flip them to the side. You get peanut butter. Spread it with a knife. Knife is the proper thing to spread your peanut butter with. Put on one of the breads, jelly. You get a spoon. Spread the jelly on one side.

[G]

Boom.

[C]

Slap together peanut butter and jelly. Time to spare.

[A]

Sure. Time to spare. Yeah. All right. Mark eight seconds.

[B]

Here, Wait. Before you hit. Go.

[A]

All right, I'm ready.

You're just mentally preparing. I get that. I get that.

[B]

Go.

[F]

Three key ingredients upset. Tum dum. Four slice, two. One sandwich spoon. Hike. Time to spare.

[A]

God. Oh, I love hike so much.

[E]

Peanut butter hike.

[A]

That was my favorite part of Wade's initial one was the hike. All right, wait. I'm not going to hold my phone up for four seconds. You're going to have to mentally keep track of four seconds.

[C]

All right.

[D]

All right.

[A]

Ready?

[E]

I'm ready.

[A]

You're going to really? You. I'm going to tell you you were too slow on your 15. Second one. You're going to have to speed it up.

[C]

All right, Got it.

[A]

Learn. Learn from Mark. Four seconds. Ready, set, go.

[C]

Three. Tom.

[E]

Tom.

[G]

Ooh.

[A]

New knife.

[C]

Spoon. Slap.

[E]

Time.

[C]

Spare.

[A]

You didn't have time to spare, but you dropped the hike.

[C]

I didn't say the hike.

[E]

What the fuck?

[A]

Mark said the hike.

[F]

That was part of it.

[A]

You know the rules.

[F]

It was there the whole time. You don't remember?

[C]

I thought, I need to follow that through. Throw. Why did Mark. Mark added and fine. Or subtract bad. Okay, got it. Add good, subtract bad.

[A]

Two seconds, buddy. I believe in you. Ready, set, go.

[F]

Bread, butter, jelly.

[A]

Hike.

[B]

Time to spare.

[E]

Bread, butter, jelly.

[A]

It's butter and jelly. Yeah, that's what I asked. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

[B]

I couldn't just say peanut butter, jelly. I guess I could have. You know, that would have been better.

[C]

Do I have to do one second now?

[A]

I think two seconds is quite fast enough. Well, Mark gets to go first this time, so you'll say however many words Mark says.

[C]

Let's be honest. It's me. No, I won't.

[A]

I appreciate your honesty. This is such a simple task. It couldn't possibly take that long. Mark, I think you know how to do this. Explain to me how you would boil a hard boiled egg. Mm.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Ready, set, go.

[B]

There's a lot of misconceptions about how to boil an egg. Some people think that you put them in the water first and then raise the temperature to a boil. But people heating elements are inconsistent from one to another. So you don't necessarily know. I mean, you could get used to it, but you're not really going to get a consistent boil from kitchen to kitchen. Right. So you bring it up to boil because unless you're at a different elevation, that's going to be a pretty consistent temperature. But if you're at a different elevation, you got to be aware that things are going to cook a little differently. So cut all that out of the equation and buy one of those egg shaped egg cook timers that you drop in with the eggs. It has little like a red yolk inside that will change based on temperature. Into the zone where a soft, medium, hard boil.

[C]

Put that in with your eggs.

[B]

Ready as it's boiling. Get a bowl of ice ready. Boil the shit out until it looks.

[A]

Like what you want. Take it out, dump it in the.

[F]

Ice, get it, shock it.

[A]

You want to shock it.

[B]

You want to shock it so the shell can like, you know, and then.

[A]

Crack them, eat them eggs. Channel to Ethan. For a minute there, you hit us with the.

[C]

I retained about four words.

[A]

All right, Wade, I know you're quite the chef in your own right, so even if you can't remember every single thing that Mark said, I got. I'm sure that you know how to cook an egg.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

All right, wait. You have 30 seconds.

[C]

All right, ready? I'm ready.

[A]

Make sure you cover all the big points that Mark put in there for you. Ready, set, go.

[C]

A lot of misconceptions about boiling an egg. First one, egg in the water. No, you want to water the egg. Second one, elevation high, bad, low to not middle, good.

[E]

Whenever you get your water boiling, you put it in a pot, you have.

[C]

A little red something, you toss it in there, look at your egg.

[E]

When it looks like what you want, Bam.

[C]

Good. So good, you take it out, you fucking eat it or whatever else.

[E]

And then shock, shock, shock, shock, shock. Ice that bitch.

[C]

Shock egg.

[F]

You forgot the.

[A]

All right, Mark, 15 seconds. Ready?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Ready. Set, go.

[B]

There's a lot of misconceptions about this. Look, put egg in first, dumbass.

[F]

Water first, then egg, Then your toy that changes.

[C]

Then you take it out, you put.

[F]

It in ice, eat it.

[A]

Time to spare.

[C]

I didn't hear any shock.

[F]

Ah, that was.

[A]

That was the.

[B]

Oh, it was all part of the original shock.

[A]

Wait eight seconds.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Ready, set, go.

[C]

A lot of misconceptions. Egg first.

[E]

No elevation. What you want to do? Boil toy. Oh, that shock.

[A]

Do you get to eat your eggs?

[C]

No decoration.

[A]

Mark. Four seconds. I believe in you. Okay. Ready, set, go.

[F]

Cold egg high. No, hot egg. Cold shock.

[A]

Hot egg. It made sense, right? Cold egg high. No, no, I think you pretty much covered it all. Wait, you have two seconds. All right, ready, set, go.

[E]

Hot egg shot.

[G]

Eat.

[C]

What did you hit?

[A]

Time to spare. I. I guess that guy just did the.

[C]

The greatest egg job of his life.

Hey, I look the part.

[A]

Well, now I just want to go eat eggs.

[C]

PP&J.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra.

[A]

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[C]

This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most? Yeah, we all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[B]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI? I'm not 100% sure.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber. On our way. Download the app today.

[A]

Wade.

[C]

Oh, I'm here.

[A]

You get to go first on this one. Tell me how you would write a letter and mail it to somebody. You got one minute on the clock. You're writing a letter and then you're mailing it. All right, ready, set. Do it.

[C]

There are a lot of misconceptions about writing letters. I'm not going to go over those. What you need is an envelope. Stamp, pen and paper. Get the paper, your pen. You write your letter, you fold it up, you stick it in the envelope. Seal up your envelope, give a little, close it up, Write your address. Top left corner. Write whoever you want to send it to in the middle. Stamp on the right mailbox, Flag. Boing, you're done. Time to spare.

[A]

You have to your own life.

[C]

Yeah, I'm used to pressure.

[A]

All right, mark, you get 30 seconds.

[F]

So do I have to do it.

[C]

In 15 and 15 seconds of silence.

[A]

At the end of the interval. You know what, Mark, you get the. You get the normal interval. You get 30 seconds. And you can do it in 15 or whatever. Wade, you get half the amount of time that you are going to get every time you have to go this round me, since you don't need all that extra time. So mark, you get 30 seconds.

[F]

So I have to repeat this thing.

[C]

Word for word, perfectly.

[F]

Okay, all right, I got it, I got it.

[A]

Same pacing, everything. He gave you 30 seconds of material. Ready?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Set, Go.

[B]

There's a lot of misconceptions about writing a letter. I'm not going to get into that. But what I will tell you is that you need a pen, paper and stamps in that order.

[F]

Uh huh. Then you write on the paper, you.

[B]

Stick it in the envelope, you give.

[F]

It a lick, give it a little.

[B]

Seal it up, mailbox. Put it in there, flag.

You'Re done. I don't even know If I took 30 seconds.

[F]

But you skipped a few steps.

[C]

You skipped the envelope and the writing of the addresses, but otherwise good.

[A]

Pretty close.

[F]

I thought I had a Jordan.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

All right, Wade, you jump all the way down to eight seconds on this one.

[C]

Okay? All right.

[A]

You would have gotten 15, but since you don't need that back half of your time, I'm gonna give you eight seconds and we're gonna call it. Good. Ready, Set, go.

[C]

No misconceptions.

[E]

Pen, paper, write. Put in the envelope, write your address there. Address stamp, mailbox.

[C]

Done.

[A]

How do you. I don't even think you skipped anything. Well, you did skip some stuff from your very first one, but no, no, no way.

You get you even less time, if that's possible. Can I give you less than 1 second when it's your turn?

[E]

You could try.

[A]

I'll try. Mark, you get eight seconds.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Don't make that. Don't make that noise of me. All these noises make sense. All these are super rash.

[F]

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. I'M good.

[B]

I got it. I love it.

[A]

Ready, set, go.

[F]

Don't look at my misconceptions. Look at my paper.

[A]

Oh, I'm writing on it.

[E]

Where'd it go?

[F]

I changed the mailbox. Boing.

[B]

You know, time to spare.

[A]

I can set a timer for zero seconds. I don't know why that's doable in this app, but, Wayne, I have decided by the rules of fairness, which is a word I am allowed to say, that you get to make one sound. And it can be a long sound, but you get one sound.

[C]

Can the sound evolve? If it's still the same breath, fine.

[A]

If you stop making sound at any point, your answer ends, I guess. Take a deep breath. The floor is yours. Go.

Ah. All right. Did you crumple it up or the was writing.

[C]

The was the licking and the boing was the mailbox.

[B]

I think I did pick up on all that. I think I did.

[A]

Yeah. No, that's true.

[C]

Going from the.

The boing was tougher than I thought. In my head, I hear a lot.

[A]

Of voice actors say that, and it never gets easier.

[C]

Not everybody can Boing like your boy.

[A]

I'm losing track of everything. Markets to go first on this one.

[B]

Yes. Yeah, I do.

[C]

Thank God.

[A]

Markets to go first on this one.

[C]

Well, I don't know. Depending on if he says a lot of stuff.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

What? It's okay.

[B]

I'm gonna make it all sound effect based.

[A]

You don't cook a lot of eggs so that maybe you are at a disadvantage and nobody mails.

[C]

I like fried eggs. I don't do boiled eggs. I do fried eggs.

[A]

I know that we all do this thing I'm about to ask Mark to describe. And even if it's purely sound effects, we all know what this sounds like 100%. Mark, I would like you to describe in one minute how you get dressed when you start your day.

[C]

All right?

[A]

Ready, set, go.

[E]

When you wake up in the morning.

[F]

And open your eyes and you look down south?

[C]

Nothing on your thighs.

[F]

You gotta get some.

Your drawers. Get out on the balcony, Let them hear you roar. It's your brand new day? And you're on your way to wherever you're going. It's okay. You gotta make some money to pay your bills. But you won't go all the way up that hill where the tree is there and a chair and a noob. You stay away from that thing and you get on the loose and don't forget your shirt. Cause you only got pants. A sock for each foot, maybe glove for your hands. Maybe some jewelry, maybe a watch, maybe your glasses. It's not a lot. You're ready.

[C]

What the fuck?

[A]

Wait, you got that?

[E]

Yeah, I guess.

[A]

I mean, I think we all know that song. I sing that to myself every morning as I'm getting ready.

[F]

If anything, it's because it's a song.

[B]

It should be weirdly more memorable, right?

[A]

Yeah, it's like a. It's like a pneumatic device.

[C]

Did I got the first rhyme and then nothing was?

[F]

I couldn't tell you.

[A]

All right, Wade, since I know you have it in your head, you have 30 seconds. You ready? Yep. Ready. Set, go.

[E]

When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down, see there's dust on your thighs. You go over to your drawer cause you need some more pants. So you put on your pants and you go outside and you go up a hill and you get a big thrill. And you realize, shit, you forgot your shirt and it's not a bit. And you took a little squirt. So you go back home, put the gloves in your hands. You need to make some money and fold it in bands. Maybe some hats and maybe some socks. If you need shoes, you can kick some rocks.

[A]

Yeah, I actually wrote down what Mark said. I think you got all but one, which was very impressive.

[C]

What'd I forget?

[A]

Watch.

[C]

Watch.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Mark, I don't know how you're possibly gonna top that, but you have 15 seconds to try.

[F]

5, 6, 7. When you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes and you look down south and you got nothing on your thighs, and you go get some pants on your ass, and then you go outside here and roar. Then you come back in. Oh God, the hill, the hill, the hill, the hill. Shirt, watch, jewelry, you're ready to go.

The hill, the hill.

[A]

Uh, wait. You have eight seconds. Wow us. Ready, set, go.

[E]

Open your eyes, cover your thighs. Go outside with your will, get the big thrill hill. Go inside. Gloves, hat, watch, jewelry, everything else, you're dressed.

[A]

Woo hoo. The best time to spare on that one. Wow.

[E]

The hill, the hill, the hill.

[A]

Well, I'm really sorry, Mark, but you have four seconds.

[F]

All right, here we go.

[A]

On your. On your go, sir.

[C]

It's exactly as long as.

[F]

5, 6, 7, 8. I got dressed the night before.

I don't know.

[A]

Oh, well, wait, you have two seconds.

[C]

All right, am I repeating that or am I doing the previous one?

[A]

Well, it's really up to you, but I'll decide how many points you get based on if I like it. Or not. So.

[C]

Okay, I'm ready.

[A]

On your go, sir. I'll give you the benefit.

[C]

Open your eyes, cover your thighs.

[A]

Pants.

[C]

On the hill. On the hill.

[E]

Gloves, jewelry, watch, fuck, dress.

[C]

You even had time to fuck in there.

[A]

According to my rhyme, Wade really added some steps. Somehow I do feel like you went over time a little bit. But I think Mark cheated by getting dressed the night before.

[C]

Time to get dressed.

[E]

Just do it the night before.

[G]

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[A]

Wade, you get to go first on this one. And I assume it will be the best one because I am saying that it will be the last one. So, Wade, you have one minute. And as Mark demonstrated, you may sing. I guess if that's a thing you want to do or do whatever else you want to explain to me how to change the oil in your car.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Do you know how that works, right?

[C]

Nope. Let's do it.

[A]

Oh, okay, go.

[E]

So you got a new ride and your car just died. I don't wanna spoil.

[F]

Maybe need more oil.

[E]

You go down low, you remove bedpan, the oil drips out.

[F]

You say, hang on, man.

[E]

So you get a nice bucket that you tuck it, the oil drips in.

[F]

And then you know you're gonna win.

[E]

You seal it back up and you go on top.

[C]

Take the screw.

[A]

Right.

[E]

Off you go. Oh, need a mop. You clean it up. Cause that engine's a little messy. And I guess now you know you done your bestie. You pour more oil in and you seal it back up. You close the top, you go to get some sop, ya earn some dinner. And then you think to yourself, I left that bucket of oil outside. Better go clean it up. So you go grab that oil and you take it somewhere else and you dump it in the ocean. To get arrested for pollution and now you're in jail but your car's nice and won't fail.

[C]

Time to spare.

[E]

I think I said bedpan.

[A]

You did say bedpan. Yeah.

[F]

Oh, yeah. That was the weird part of it.

I'm sorry.

[C]

Was that not correct?

[A]

That's a very meandering oil change, but, oh, thank you.

[C]

I happen to notice. Good luck, Mark.

[B]

I. I'm.

[F]

I'm ready.

[A]

All righty, mark, you have 30 seconds.

[F]

They said it couldn't be done.

Your car on electricity run. I say, fie on thee. I will do what I do. I get down below and I find myself a screw.

[A]

Oh. Electrocuted himself to death with time to spare.

[F]

Time to spare.

[B]

I'll lose points for this as well.

[A]

I'll take my boy.

[C]

What do you mean? You did a perfect imitation of what I did.

[A]

I was going to give you bonus points. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Good.

[C]

Good.

[B]

That's what I meant.

[A]

All right, Wade, I'm not sure what you're supposed to do at this point.

[C]

I got it.

[A]

You have 15 seconds to do it.

[C]

Yeah, I got it.

[B]

This is the freestyle round.

[A]

Ready? Go.

[E]

So your friend just died. He had a shocking ride. He tried to change the oil, but it definitely was spoiled. Cause he shocked himself. Now he's fucking dead. So you get his car and drive it instead. No oil needed. No oil needed. Time to spare.

[C]

We're definitely playing the game by the rules, right? Oh, yeah.

[A]

I think Rachel's gonna be real proud of this one.

[C]

Please don't show her. Please don't watch.

[A]

She's gonna come up to us after the show and clap her head on our shoulder.

[C]

Is that the title? Rachel don't watch.

[A]

Rachel Wecht is not allowed to watch this. Go away. Mark, good news. You only have eight seconds to fill. I know you're just brimming with ideas, but go. Go ahead. And I'll just start it when you start, because I don't want to rush you. Oh.

[F]

5, 6, 7, 8.

[A]

Get it?

[F]

Because I was dead.

[A]

It's like we went from playing a simple game to doing like a. This is like a herald now. Telling stories, crafting narratives.

[B]

Is that what this podcast actually is? Just one long herald?

[A]

Are we geniuses?

[E]

No.

[A]

I could definitely say I'm not. And without sounding too rude, I'm gonna go on a limb and say I don't think Wade is either.

[C]

I zoned out.

[B]

No. Wade could secretly be a genius and we would never know.

[A]

That's true. He pretends to be the aloof.

[C]

It is so Much more fun playing a fool than it ever is being smart.

[A]

How would you know?

[C]

Oh, that's a good point. Banana.

[A]

We almost had it, Mark. We almost had him. He almost spilled his guts right there.

[B]

Nothing stupider than saying banana. Nothing.

[C]

That's what us minions do.

You know.

[F]

Was it being the Eye or what was it?

[A]

Yeah, that was the one, I think.

[C]

I don't know. I'm stupid.

[E]

Is that what that's called?

[A]

Wait. You have four seconds.

[C]

All right, I'm ready. I'm ready.

[A]

Ready, Set, go.

[E]

Right. Died. Oil died.

[F]

I'm rich.

[A]

Hello.

[F]

Come fix.

[C]

I'm despair.

[B]

Holy shit.

[A]

Smoking fast. Mark, would you like to play dead for two seconds?

[B]

No, no, I got this.

[A]

Okay.

I'm just gonna say if you don't play dead, I'm gonna dock you points because that's, that's. That's the. Do what you want. Two, two, one. Two seconds. Go ahead.

[B]

I drive it to the shop and pay a man.

[C]

But he's dead.

[F]

But I'm dead.

[A]

Got one of them self driving cars, you know.

[B]

It's got something. Sometimes it does. It reactivated itself.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

It's auto auto kind of thing is. It just suddenly was like, you have it again now? And I'm like, why? You said I had to pay for that. Did you charge me for it? Why do I have it now?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Nobody's using it. Please. Oh, my God. That's the biggest glob of spit I've ever spitted.

[B]

The thing is like, the smart cruise control worked already, even without it. And I'm like, I don't need much more than that. I don't need this. I don't need to take my hands off the wheel is what I'm saying. I don't want to take my hands off the wheel. I like my hands right on the wheel.

[A]

I don't know if we've talked about it on this show specifically, but have you seen those commercials now where, I don't know which company is advertising that you're supposed to take your hands off the wheel. And it's like showing people in the driver's seat of the car, like not paying attention to the driving at all. Just like talk, having conversations, like doing other shit that's wrong.

[C]

Cotton.

[A]

I don't remember which company is, but the commercials are completely shocking to me because literally it's like encouraging you to get your hands off the wheel and start paying attention to other shit that's happening inside the car.

[C]

That's incredibly stupid and irresponsible and it's.

[A]

Not Even just don't sue us. But it's not even Tesla. Because you might hear that and think like, ah, it sounds like something Tesla would do. Right? Because they're super gung ho about it. I remember it's not a Tesla commercial. As far as I know, they don't even run commercials. But I think it was one of the mainstream. It was one of the big car companies. The whole commercial is like, yeah, don't look. Kick your hands off. Take a nap. You don't have to pay attention to anything. We'll drive for you.

[B]

I don't think I want that.

[A]

What are we talking about?

[C]

The Tesla smell and how it's an elongated musk. Anyway, we played the dead oil change game.

[A]

Yeah, that's my favorite improv game. Dead oil change. In no particular order. Wade, you got points for. Oh, let me start. Deviation point for your nose, I guess. Can I get a hickey? An asshole. Point for the first round of the game where you didn't understand the rules and tortured Mark for some reason. The one sound answer that you gave time to spare bit. Eventually. I did give you a point for that. This one just says fuck point. Oh, because you had time to fuck. That's right. You were putting your clothes on and you found time to. And you got the no oil needed point, leaving you with a total of eight points. I got one point before the episode even started because I don't remember. Mark, you got points for making it awkward. The coincidence that just happened to come up regarding your movie and the timing thereof.

[B]

What a coincidence.

[A]

Pussy pop. Hike.

[B]

I gotta admit, that was Wade that said that. I want to be clear.

[C]

I did not.

[A]

Wade said something and you heard pussy pop, so I don't.

[C]

Oh, he gets the point for that one. He can have the pussy pop.

[B]

He definitely has all claim to the pussy pop.

[C]

I might have been taken to the barber shop, but he can make the pussy pop.

[A]

I'm gonna cut that off right there. Mark, you got a point for the toy that changes in the egg. You lost a point for I got dressed the night before. And you got another point for being fucking dead. Which leaves you with a grand total of six points.

[C]

Points were hard to come by today. I know.

[A]

I usually give them out. I'm usually a point slut. But today I was in no mood.

[B]

Yeah, I wasn't counting Wades, so I didn't know I was under. I thought I was feeling pretty good about that.

[C]

Really? You would only be. You'd be right there if it went for the minus one.

[B]

You Gave me the pussy pop point.

[A]

Right. I kept that on your side. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, now he wants it. Now he wants that Pussy Pop point.

[A]

Everybody loves PPPs. I heard a lot of talk about that during the last election cycle. Two wheel spins. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

[B]

I see nothing, so I have full faith in this.

[A]

You do? Oh, you don't see.

[B]

I see nothing.

[C]

I do. I'll treat you like the listeners. I'll read it out for you when we get there.

[A]

I'm gonna give a point to whoever would make Rachel the most proud.

[C]

Who is that today?

Bob. Does Bob get the point?

[A]

No. I think she would have been really proud of all of us. You know what? I think Mark would win that point today because he started singing unprompted.

[C]

That's true. He was the first to sing. That's true.

[A]

And also, I hate singing, so I would never have done that. But Mark is a bold. A bold leader. Anyway, two spins.

[C]

The wheel is spinning. It's slowing. The wheel approaches and lands on.

That one's obviously Mark for the FNAF bring up and his rated R movie.

[B]

It's a horror movie. It is very spooky.

[C]

I got my head shaved, man.

[A]

There's that.

[C]

Scarier than scary movies. I don't know.

[A]

Could be disabled on the next spin. Spin again. Please don't do anything to me.

[C]

Best word used.

[B]

Wade did say pussy pop.

[C]

Elongated musk.

[A]

Nah, I don't care. I don't care for that one. That. That. That. That bit can go away. And I feel like both of you, when you were singing, you, like, rhymed some things and you threw some point. Well, no, I. I think Mark might be right, though. Wade did say pussy pop.

[C]

You disagreed with that just a few minutes ago.

[A]

What do you.

[C]

How.

[E]

How.

[A]

I didn't disagree with that. I just. I just decided that Mark should get that point regardless of whether you said it or. Or he heard it.

[C]

Editors. What did I actually say?

[A]

Pussy pop is the best word that anyone used tonight. I think science will back me up on that. That makes the final score. Mark with six and Wade with nine.

[B]

I got trounced.

[C]

I should have had seven. That way, this episode could be all six sevens.

[A]

Six. Nine is our generation's funny numbers. Okay? We don't need six. Seven. We have six.

[C]

Nine because it's Mouthful of private parts.

[A]

You just keep saying stuff tonight, and I love it.

[C]

I'm here, and I'm barely awake and functional.

[A]

It's like noon for you. I know it's late at night, but you. You wake up at 1pm and you work until 4 in the morning. You can't possibly say it's not a good time for you.

[C]

I've not been sleeping.

[A]

Great.

[C]

I say as an adult, I haven't either.

[A]

But I've been sick. You don't have any excuses, you winner.

[C]

I was sick yesterday. I had food poisoning, I think, which was not pleasant, but it's a different kind of sick.

[A]

Mark, would you like to give a pussy popping loser speech? 5, 6 or a regular one?

[F]

Sorry.

No, no, I can't do it now. Oh, it's ruined. I can't sing my loser speech.

[B]

Thanks, Bob. Anyway, I lost. But hey, did I really? When you can buy tickets for Iron Lung right now, check your local listing.

[C]

I think coming out June, January.

[F]

Call.

[A]

1-800-Moviefone and that guy who reads the movie Times will tell you when Iron Lung is playing in your theater. There's one point. If there's an argument that this episode of this podcast was making, it's that you should see Iron Lung. Wade, would you like to give a normal winner speech?

[C]

Well, okay. This was a fun one. I was not anticipating the singing, but it did go probably well for everyone watching and listening. I hope you all had fun, but I do want to take time for from this, this winter speech to say you should go get tickets and see Iron Lung. And that really only matters to one of us. But like, he's our friend. We want to support him. And I also want to go see it.

[A]

Does it matter to you?

[C]

I mean, like, we don't have financial connection to, you know, we're not like promote, promoted. Promoted to say it.

[B]

Rising Tide raises all boats.

[A]

Like, I'm not going to push for this because I'm not that guy, but I feel like you and I almost need to be credited. Like we need a spot in the credit roll for our role in being here and watching Mark do all of this hard work on the movie that's finally getting. We didn't do anything, but we were here the whole time.

[B]

It is true. It is true. You guys were here the whole time. So I do appreciate that. Always do I. I had this realization that like I had been working on this movie for a nearly a third of the time that I have been together with Amy. Damn, that didn't feel great.

[A]

That's a crazy way to frame then.

[B]

It's not quite a third, but it's not a court. It's over a quarter. I don't know why that particular thought popped in my head. I was just like.

[C]

I mean, I had the thought that I've been with Molly a third of my life the other day. Very different but similar line of thinking. A career doing this has been a third of my life. YouTube and such.

[A]

Wade, congratulations. You'll be hosting the next one.

[C]

Yep, we're doing We're Getting Older Part.

[A]

Six or Weird Part five.

[C]

I snuck in a weird four, so maybe you never know.

[A]

Make sure you follow these guys on their socials. Make sure you check out wherever Iron Lung is playing near you because tickets are on sale now. Also, we should mention the merch drop is not nearly as important as the movie, but there is a holiday merch drop for distractable and I know what the designs are and they're pretty funny. You should check them out.

[B]

Distractible shop or Distractable Store? If I get enough time to make.

[A]

It, that also Distractible shop is the one you want. Check that out. There's some holiday stuff. If you order well, you better order fast because it's probably gonna sell out fast. But if you order quickly, you might even be able to get it before Christmas. I think there's a guarantee on that. And check it out. Thank you for sticking with yet another one of your second cousin's niece's favorite podcast that joke I used to make and we are out of here. Podcast out.

[D]

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