Hoopst Was First?

Summary

Distractible Podcast — "Hoopst Was First?"

Release Date: July 13, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

In this lively and offbeat episode, the Distractible trio—Mark, Wade, and Bob—dive into a game of “Which Came First?”, testing each other’s (often questionable) historical knowledge about the invention dates of everyday objects and cultural touchstones. Expect irreverent jokes, personal stories, a competitive streak, and creative interpretations of history, all delivered in their signature conversational and mocking style.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Opening & Small Talk (01:11–15:05)

• Bob’s Unorthodox Episode Intro & Show Format
  • Bob jokingly likens Distractible to "Cocomelon for Millennials" ([02:01]), kicking things off with meta-humor about their own reputation.
• Mark’s Recent Happenings
  • Mark shares a Fourth of July story, describing how Universal Studios’ fireworks were embarrassingly outdone by a nearby country club’s amateur display ([04:14]).
  • Memorable moment: “Universal got absolutely mogged” ([04:48]).
  • Mark recounts a viral video of a parachutist’s patriotic but ill-fated landing—everyone laughs at the dark slapstick of real-life fails ([05:26–07:17]).
• Wade’s Health Update
  • Wade reveals medical woes: “X-ray, MRI, lots of doctor visits, cortisone shot, physical therapy... dodging surgery. My knee. No torn ligaments, no torn meniscus, just a defect in the cartilage” ([09:47]).
  • His tone: cheerfully self-deprecating and a bit resigned.
  • Mark and Bob riff on sports jokes, quipping about Wade becoming a backup quarterback ([12:36]).
• Cooking & Sweaty Chefs
  • Bob talks about grilling on his new Blackstone griddle, joking about sweating into the food: "I didn't sweat on any of the burgers or anything that I cooked... that did not happen" ([13:39]).
  • A running gag about chef hats and DNA transfer by sweat ensues ([13:56–14:14]).

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Main Game: "Which Came First?" — Inventions & Origins (15:05–43:14)

Bob hosts a competitive guessing game segment, challenging Mark and Wade to identify which of two inventions, cultural icons, or concepts came first. The rules: each round, Bob presents two items, contestants choose which was invented/founded earlier, and banter abounds.

Key Rounds and Notable Exchanges

• Cell Phone vs. GPS (15:30)
  • Wade guesses GPS; Bob corrects him: "First ever mobile cell phone prototype was invented in 1973. The first GPS satellite launched in 1978" ([17:18]).
  • Memorable Wade logic: "Ever hear of Sputnik?" ([17:07]) — Bob: "Sputnik was not a GPS satellite. Sputnik was a... tiny little transmit point" ([17:24]).
• Piano vs. Guitar (18:11)
  • Mark’s reasoning: “I’ve always said no kings... but they funded the arts back in the day”—decides on guitar ([19:25]).
  • Bob confirms: guitar in 16th century Spain; piano ~1700 ([19:34]).
• Sudoku vs. Crossword Puzzle (20:22)
  • Wade’s elaborate explanation about math being universal; picks Sudoku—it's wrong.
  • Bob explains: "First published crossword puzzle... in 1913. First Sudoku, 1979" ([22:19]).
  • Discussion veers into how Sudoku became popularized in Japan ([24:24]).
• Vaccines vs. Batteries (24:50)
  • Mark, channeling wild brain associations, guesses batteries due to the Baghdad Battery legend ([25:34]).
  • Bob clarifies: "Edward Jenner used cowpox for smallpox vaccine in 1796; battery (by Volta), 1800" ([27:08]).
  • Side note: The Baghdad Battery is real but not a true battery by intent ([27:42]).
• Microphone vs. Dishwasher (30:29)
  • Wade: “Microphone, probably older.” He’s right: microphone (1876), dishwasher (1886) ([32:05]).
• Contact Lenses vs. Escalators (32:12)
  • Mark, dissecting Bob’s verbal cues, reasons his way to contact lenses ([32:27]). Correct: lenses (1887), escalators (1891).
  • Bob: “Mark has finally discovered the real game here” ([33:00]).
• Matches vs. Lighter (34:40)
  • Despite Bob’s heavy-handed clues, Wade stubbornly picks matches; lighters were first (1823 vs. 1826) ([36:14]).
  • Extended comic riff on match production and castle defense tech.
• Ballpoint Pen vs. Zipper (38:25)
  • Mark muses about Cold War ‘space pen’ legends and, after some debate, chooses ballpoint pen—correct ([40:31]); pens patented in 1888, zippers in 1891 ([41:12]).
• Toothpaste vs. Toothbrush (42:12)
  • Wade goes for the unintuitive: “Toothpaste came first.” He’s right—Egyptians used paste in 5000 BC; toothbrushes appear around 3500-3000 BC ([42:40]).
• Pepsi vs. Coca-Cola (43:35)
  • Mark guesses Pepsi was first based on the logic that Coca-Cola had to invent cocaine soda to stand out ([44:26]), but Bob corrects him: Coke predates Pepsi by 7 years (1886 vs. 1893).

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Game Cheating, Integrity, and Points (43:14–47:42)

• Bob tries to blatantly help both contestants with hints/DMs; neither bite, so he gives "integrity points."
• Mark quietly completes podcast-related "bounties"—like playing games during recording undetected ([47:21]).
• Wade's comedic self-deprecation earns him multiple "pity" and "what a bitch" points ([49:43]).

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Point Calculation & The Wheel of Chance (50:00–57:58)

Standings Recap:

• Mark: 11.5 (eventually muddledly 19.5) points

• Wade: 10 points

• A dizzying array of “wheel spins” determines bonus points (e.g., "best Scottish accent" awarded to Mark, despite Wade’s attempts, [55:25]).

• Running joke: Mark’s accent is “real good… for a person who does not specialize in accents” ([56:09]).

Notable Quotes

• On Universal Fireworks:
  “Universal got absolutely mogged by golf dads.” — Mark ([04:48])

• On Cheating:
  “You consciously chose to ignore my cheating hints and stick to your guns, and that is worth zero points.” — Bob ([38:13])

• On Game Integrity:
  “I was trying to lure you into bad behaviors, and you were both good boys.” — Bob ([46:36])

• On Handling Setbacks:
  “My comedic genius kept me in whenever my knowledge failed, just like in life.” — Wade ([50:17])

• On Losing:
  “I was here. That’s it.” — Wade ([58:48])

• On Scottish Accents:
  “Och, Donkey, get out of me swamp!” — Mark ([55:42])

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Memorable Moments

• Mark running Power Wash Simulator and Five Nights at Freddy’s in secret during the show to achieve audience-suggested challenges ([47:21]).
• The hosts repeatedly losing track of game show “coin flip” logic, culminating in nonsense but much laughter ([57:03–58:18]).
• Extended comedic tangents about historical inventions, offhand “facts”, and chaotic riffing on everything from chef hats to the origins of zippers.

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:11] — Welcome and episode summary
• [03:49] — Mark’s Fourth of July story & Universal Fireworks
• [05:27] — Parachute fail story
• [09:47] — Wade’s knee surgery saga
• [13:08] — Blackstone griddle & sweaty chef jokes
• [15:05] — Main game introduction
• [16:30] — Inventions face-off (various rounds)
• [27:42] — Baghdad Battery mini-history
• [32:27] — The “Contact Lenses vs. Escalators” clue meta-game
• [44:26] — Coca-Cola vs. Pepsi & the cocaine story
• [47:21] — Mark secretly plays games for podcast bounties
• [55:42] — Best Scottish accent showdown
• [58:48] — Wade’s loser speech; Mark’s winner speech

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Energetic, Sarcastic, and Chaotic: The banter is relentless, jumping between genuinely interesting trivia and constant teasing.
• Integrity Amidst Cheating: The game is both played straight and subverted as Bob attempts to "help" (or sabotage) the players, only for them to doggedly persist with integrity.
• Trivia as a Framework for Comedy: The actual facts take a back seat to personality, jokes, and personal stories.

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FINAL SCORE:

• Mark wins (11.5 points) — “I had a great time. I knew a positive mental attitude was gonna be able to get me through this...” ([58:54])
• Wade (10 points) — “I was here. That's it.” ([58:48])

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For Listeners Who Missed It

You’ll enjoy a wild, knowledge-lite ride through bizarre invention matchups, slapstick life updates, and infectious, competitive chaos. The podcast is about who knows less, who jokes more, and who comes out on top (while possibly playing video games the entire time).

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[B]

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[A]

Good evening gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Bummer Bob laughs at blubbering, burns with a Blackstone and propounds a game of provenance. White Wade forgets Mark's lung, barely avoids surgery, Bros that support Sputnik, Dooku and Flammables Anti Monarchist Mark witnesses Universal's mogging parachute Pandemonium, the Baghdad Battery and balls from Coco Millennials to cocaine. It's time for Hoopst was first. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[B]

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Distractable, the show that many have called Cocomelon for Millennials. Yes, no one. No one's ever said that.

[C]

What is that?

[B]

You know what Cocomelon is? It's a thing for on YouTube for kids. It's like lots of fast motion and it's brain rot. Great stuff if you want to slowly go insane and hate what's happening around you.

[C]

I thought it was like chocolate covered watermelon or something.

[B]

But kids love it just like everyone else loves this show. That's the main takeaway. I am your host, Bob, because that's my name. The way the show works is the host does some sort of thing game, maybe topic discussion. The other two fellers compete and the winner between those two hosts the next one. So I won the last one. I am hosting this one in my competitors for Today are Mark and Wade. Hello, it's me. Yeah, it's Mark. And apparently a statue of Wade. Welcome to the show, everybody. Everybody's looking really alive and definitely human, especially Wade. I have what I think it's gonna be. A real stinker's not good. I was gonna say a real stinker of a game. No, it's not gonna be stinky at all. This game smells great. This game is gonna be the best smelling game we've ever played.

[A]

I could never be Sam. Zoom in on my face.

[B]

You see this face?

[A]

I could never be sad. I'm so excited to be here. Can't wait for this episode.

[B]

Bob, I'm gonna give Wade a preemptive pity point because I have a good feeling about Mark for today. Yeah, before we get to my absolutely shitty, useless piece of crap game, apparently. How are. Let's do small talk. How's everybody doing? How is your time since we last spoke? Which was not quite a week this time, but boy, was it a. Not busy. Not quite a week.

[A]

Everything is coming up Markiplier, I think, which is an expression that people had to explain on the subreddit. Or not this. I can't remember it was this subreddit or. Or my subreddit. But I said that in a stream, like, everything's coming up Markiplier. And someone was very concerned, made a post that was just like, what the fuck is this a reference to? What? What does this mean? Is this some cryptic hint for a future project? And someone would be like, no, I'm not saying shit.

[C]

I'll guess it. Right?

[A]

Yeah, Wade, what does it mean?

[C]

Okay, coming up Markiplier, you've done heist. You've done space. What if you're coming up by going down into the ocean?

[B]

His favorite place. Go on.

[C]

Air comes up in the ocean because density and so maybe air.

[A]

Maybe I'm going to make a movie about a submarine or something. And in an ocean. Ah, wait, you're so close. Nothing tremendous exciting has happened, which is kind of a good thing. There was fourth of July where we watched the universal fireworks from outside of the park, which was so funny because it was the universal fireworks and we were there. It was going to be like 9 o' clock. And we were watching it from a building across the way and it was like, oh, it's going. And then they got absolutely mogged by this. Like it was a country club or a golf course or something where a bunch of like, golf dads got a bunch of fireworks together. The universal one was over in like 10 minutes. It was supposed to be 20, and then it was just like 10 minutes. And then this other one went on for like 40 minutes, like, and the finale was like everywhere. It was awesome.

[B]

That's pretty silly.

[A]

I'll take credit for the fourth of July. Wade cannot use that anymore for his small talk. America's 250th. Did you guys see the video of the. The paraglider coming in or the parachuter coming into that one country fair? I don't know if he got hurt horribly, but it's like he's trailing a big American flag and it's like. And then there's a lead weight at the bottom of the flag to keep it like taut. And it gets caught on a tree. And he just coming into the stadium for like a football stave or something or a small one, like a high school one. It catches just like straight down, like fulcrum, right into this like, pop up tent. It's. I hope he's not hurt horribly. But it is comedic. How fast it was like, like a Simpsons moment or a Family Guy cut

[C]

away that the second incident this year was or was last year that the guy was going to like the college football stadium or whatever it was and like got stuck on the scoreboard.

[B]

That was, I think this past college football season. But that was just normal parachute shenanigans. That wasn't.

[A]

I have. I have the video if you want to see it.

[B]

Only if you just hold up your phone, talk to the camera, and that's how we have to watch it.

[A]

I don't have any more apps like that on my phone. That was another thing I did is I deleted.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Or.

[B]

What do you do when you poop? Just sit there.

[C]

You sit to poop? What the hell?

[B]

Oh, I don't poop in the urinals.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So this describes as horrifying, so I'm hoping that he's okay. But you be the judge of whether it's horrifying.

[B]

I mean, that's a really epic shot.

[A]

And.

[B]

Oh, I.

[C]

He's not coming away completely unscathed from that.

[A]

Oh, he's up.

[B]

I wouldn't be surprised if there were several. Many broken things, but he seemed to be moving. I'm gonna say he survived. So it's okay that we could kind of laugh about it a little bit.

[A]

But like, he's got a helmet and a big pack in front of him, so that probably took most of the impact.

[B]

It really is like it hooks on the tree. There's a moment of like, oh. And then it could. An animator could not make it funnier than what actually happened.

[A]

Well, he was standing, so I'm sure he's fine. 250, baby. 250 years.

[B]

We did it and everything's going great. Got a good soccer team? They're doing great. As far as I've. I don't care about soccer, so I haven't tracked. But I assume we're going to win that.

[A]

I have been enjoying seeing all the international people enjoying America for the first time. That's always a fun thing.

[B]

There's a German guy who started to cry on camera like a little baby.

[A]

About what? Like food or something? Or was it the beauty?

[B]

Just, they were, like, interviewing him. Like, it was. It was like a local news, and they're like, oh, you have a good time. He's like, yeah, yeah. No, I. Hang on. It's okay. It's okay with it. He's like, I just really love this country.

[A]

America.

[B]

I thought I was going to get shot. I thought there was going to be lots of crime. I thought it was terrible. It's the best. America's. I love America. I can't believe it. Tearing up. And the news guy was kind of like, okay, you're not in, like, a cool part of America. You're. This is like Kansas or something. Like, I don't. It was somewhere, like, in the Midwest. No specific shots at Kansas. You're fine, Kansas. But, yeah, it's been. It's been good to see all that. It's really embarrassing that Universal got dunked on by a bunch of golf guys at their country club.

[A]

That might be what it would have been, but I looked on the map and that was the only place. Yeah, it could have been an official thing, but I was like, man, Universal really needed to step it up.

[C]

Universal had one plan, and the golf guys put a hole in one. I'm on three hours of sleep saying

[B]

it's not going to get you any more pity points. But I do appreciate that. Do you have any small talk you want to talk about?

[C]

So Mark claimed Fourth of July. I just throw out. Fourth July was great. Went over to Bob Mandy's not once, but twice that day. Had a great time.

[B]

Swam in the largest hot tub in the Midwest.

[C]

But we all know the real news. Tay Tay and Tratra got married.

[A]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[C]

I don't really know anything about it, though. That's not real small talk.

[B]

Wait, Mark, were you not invited to that? How embarrassing for you.

[A]

Is that why you went to Bob's twice? Because they Got married over at Bob's. And you were there for the.

[C]

Yeah, I had to go for the reception ceremony.

[B]

That's where the real ceremony was. All the Madison Square Garden stuff was a distraction.

[C]

Gave away bags and apparently they gave away cakes outside. But there's still. There's a lot of people are mad. They got married because they have money. Rich people are supposed to get married, I think. I don't know. I didn't get the gist of the argument, but it was something like that. Now, my real news is X ray, mri, lots of doctor's visits, cortisone shot, physical therapy. But mayhaps I'm dodging surgery. My knee. No torn ligaments, no torn meniscus, just a defect in the cartilage, whatever that means. That's causing a lot of inflammation and pain. Pain. I got a cortisone shot yesterday and I start physical therapy next Monday. When this airs, I will be going to physical therapy.

[B]

Is it in a mystical realm?

[C]

I don't know where it is because I don't even know where I am.

[B]

I shall be secreted away.

[C]

If that doesn't work after four to six weeks, we're going to revisit. What is it is the term laparoscopic surgery where they just go and like, clean things?

[B]

Laparoscopic.

[C]

La proscopic? Yeah, they're pro. Slap proscopic.

[A]

Not amateur scalp. Not bros. Yeah.

[C]

Le briscopic surgery.

[B]

They say no come amateur surgery. Can I just add some context to this? I. You had your. You've had your shoulder thing for a while and like, I know that that hurts you sometimes, but, like, you're. You're pretty much fine. If something happened, like, it's not like you would be. That would stop you from, you know, fighting for your life or something. He came over, we did hang out, and when he got to the house, he really wobbled very slowly in. Like, I assumed he would just walk in and be like, my knees jacked up. He was like. He seemed. You seem like you need surgery.

[C]

I really thought it was a torn meniscus. I'm not going to lie. I really expected that.

[B]

But it seems like your knee is way worse than you have been selling it as. Because we do these sitting down. So presumably, you know, like, that doesn't really affect your ability to sit. But I hope it actually gets better because it seems way, way worse than I sort of was thinking it was.

[C]

Dude, I am so used to. I did not realize how much I just flew around the house like a psychopath. Like skipping steps, running up and down the stairs and stuff, jumping over things, having to move like this. I feel 90 years old. I'm like, here's a step. One foot, two foot, breathe. One foot, two. Like clinging onto the handrail.

[A]

Yeah, it's not good.

[B]

Yeah, no, it seems pretty serious.

[C]

I really thought there was some kind of tear, so I'm really glad there's not. But apparently whatever this cartilage defect is is causing that area to be inflamed, pushing things outward, which is causing other areas to inflame, which I guess is why I'm feeling all the extra pain. But we're hoping that pt, the anti. I'm getting some kind of strong anti inflammatory. I've been on prednisone a couple of times, but now we're doing something else. The physical therapy. I got the cortisone shot, and hopefully that'll do it. If not, they'll have to go in and do something surgically to clean it up. But even if they do, it's still not as bad as a tear. So any luck, I'll be back to backing up Joe Burrow soon.

[A]

What position on the bench are you? Like, fifth or sixth? What's the line of succession to get to Bengals?

[C]

QB for everybody I ever heard the term. 54th, man.

[B]

Wait, how many are there supposed to

[C]

be on a team? 53.

[B]

Oh, okay, I see. I see.

[C]

I'm right there. I'm next in line. Like, I'm basically next in line. After practice squad, it's me.

[B]

There's an equipment guy sitting in the corner with a blanket jersey and the letters to spell your name and a bunch of needles and thread just like, oh. Say the word.

[C]

Oh, I'm ready. Put me in, Coach, I don't think I really have.

[B]

We hosted a party. Oh, I got to use my Blackstone. I'm a Blackstone guy now, so that's pretty fun if you know what a Blackstone is. It's a griddle. A cast iron flat top griddle. And I made burgers and beer brats and hot dogs and bacon Yesterday for dinner, James was like, I want a grilled cheese. And I was like, I could just make it on the stove like I always do, or we could do the whole song and dance of going to the backyard and turn it on the Blackstone. And it was about the same as if I cooked it on the stove, but, man, did I cook it outside.

[C]

Well, thank God it's been great weather here. Not ridiculously hot and humid.

[B]

Yeah, I didn't sweat at all. Right onto his Grilled cheese while I was slaving over the Blackstone. Just, like, I didn't sweat on any of the burgers or anything that I cooked on Saturday either. That did not happen.

[C]

Is that why they had extra flavor?

[A]

It all. It all burns off. It just adds salt, right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's basically just salt.

[A]

Sam, screenshot. Wade's face. I want that. Just. I want it. It's tasty for my own reasons. You can stop. They. They can take the screenshot. Wade, you could stop it.

[C]

I'm just contemplating how much of his food I ate.

[B]

I did. I sweated elsewhere and then cooked the food.

[C]

We're basically twins now. There's enough of your DNA. Or we could just be brothers.

[A]

Even Chica didn't like that. Did you hear her barking at that?

[B]

Stop, stop, stop. Hey, stop.

[A]

I hate to tell you, but in kitchens, in, like, you know, restaurants, it's hot in kitchens. And, yeah, the chefs are sweating.

[C]

That's why they wear those fancy hats, right?

[B]

They don't wear hats anymore. It's not cool.

[A]

Sweat on their heads only. You think. You think they're not just going like this all the time?

[C]

I figured the hats are just full of ice packs, like the WUG costume, you know?

[A]

Well, that's even worse. That's the ice that they have in the ice machine. They actually put that on their head first and then put it in your drink. Yeah. So.

[B]

And Wade never enjoyed a restaurant again.

[C]

I'll forget about it in five minutes. Thanks. They've got a terrible memory.

[B]

Anyway, you guys want to play a fun game about dates and years and inventions, and I'm pretty sure we haven't done this before.

[A]

I'm going to pretend like it's new, even if it is something we've done before, because I love you.

[C]

I won't remember what the hell we did if we did. So it won't matter to me. It will be new to me.

[B]

We're just going to talk about some stuff that we're all. That we're all familiar with. None of this is super technical or anything. These are all going to be things in the world that we're familiar with. But I'm going to give you two options. And you're going to have to guess which one was invented first. And it's as easy as it sounds. There's no trick to this as easy as it sounds. And I'm going to flip a coin to see who gets to go first. Wade is the lady, and Mark is the lion. It hurts.

[A]

It's painful. Oh, what are they doing to me?

[B]

Hey, lady that's waiting. All right, Wade gets to go first. Wade, which one of these was invented first?

[C]

Man, I really feel like who goes second has a good chance if it's 2:1. If there's two options and I get it wrong.

[B]

No, there's no, like, stealing on this one. It's. Yeah, no, yeah, because that. You're right, it would be a pretty easy.

[C]

I was like, man, that's a hell of a disadvantage going first.

[B]

Actually, only Wade could get that wrong in a. In a one or the other choice competition where he gets to go second and doesn't pay attention to know what the first guess was.

[C]

I'd be mad. But you're not wrong, Wade, which.

[B]

Which of these was invented first? Cell phone or gps, Like. Like your Garmin that you stick in your car? Did you guys have those? I definitely had one of those at some point in my life.

[C]

I don't know too much about when GPs came around. GPS, typically, I mean, they both were like satellite, right? Satellite phones, Satellite gps.

[B]

So that is not how cell phones work. No.

[C]

I thought the old ones that were in your car were like satellite based, were they not?

[A]

It's not a cell phone.

[B]

That's not what we're talking about. We're talking about cellular telephones.

[C]

I'm a go with GPS then, because there have been satellites for a long time, as ever hear of Sputnik?

[B]

Just to be clear, I'm talking about commercially available consumer GPS units, not any satellites in space. But you locked your guests in, so we're going to go with gps.

[C]

Yeah, in that case, I like to

[B]

lock in, which is, of course, wrong.

[C]

What about Sputnik?

[B]

The first ever mobile cell phone prototype was invented in 1973. The first GPS satellite launched in 1978. Sputnik was not a GPS satellite. Sputnik was a. Was an aluminum foil ball that had a tiny little transmitt point.

[C]

Well, not with that attitude.

[A]

Also, I don't know if you guys knew this. GPS is a US technology. In other countries, they have different positional systems.

[C]

Like the Kama Sutra.

[B]

It was like a DARPA program, right? It was like a. Yeah, a military funded thing. Then they were like, wow, this is really useful. And then they let everyone use the satellites because we have that now. Good try, Wade.

[C]

I'll take the point.

[B]

No, Mark, which one was invented first? You're. You.

[A]

You.

[B]

You've played one of these. You're going to be very familiar with this.

[A]

All right. Okay.

[B]

The piano or the guitar?

[A]

Oh, are we talking like the original, like as we know it version? Are we talking like the. The harpsichord and the, the sitar, you know, the. The. The lute, you know, or we talking.

[C]

Is it one of those half horse, half man?

[B]

Yes, yes, yes. Half horse, half man, half goat, half

[A]

guitar, as we all know.

[C]

Satire.

[A]

He's just raking up the points here, man. How can I compete?

[B]

It's somewhere in the middle, Mark. It's not like, oh, the first ever instance of an instrument with strings that. But it's not like, when did Fender start their business or anything. Like, it's like, when was the first recorded instance of the thing that basically looks like what we would know as a piano and what we would know as a guitar, even though there are definitely some. Some differences.

[A]

As much as I want to say the piano, it's probably the guitar just because it's easier. So I imagine if there was something that was going to be made first. Unless it's the opposite. Because royalty and all the kings and, you know, I've always said no kings. I've always believed this. You know, I don't like monarchies in general. I think that. But they did fund the arts and the rich did fund the arts back in the day.

[B]

Just to look cool, though not for good reasons.

[A]

Yeah, but which art did they fund? I'm going to go with guitar just because.

[B]

And of course that is correct.

[C]

Sweet. I'll take the point.

[B]

The earliest version of what we would pretty much recognize as a guitar dates to somewhere in 16th century Spain. The piano dates back to around the turn of the 18th century, somewhere around 1700. Obviously there have been a lot of iterations and there are certainly things on that before those specific instances where it's like, if you looked at it, you might be like, well, that's basically a piano. But this is. Look, this isn't science, okay? This is distractible.

[C]

If you're making a bow and arrow and you actually tie two strings to it, you've made a guitar. Whereas a piano is a lot more intricate. You know, you should try that.

[B]

You should do that. And then learn to play Stairway to Heaven on it.

[C]

And she's by the stairway.

[B]

Wade. These next ones are something I think you're going to be very personally familiar with. I know that you're really into. All right, which was invented first. Sudoku, or crossword puzzles. And just to translate it for you in case you're one of those people. This is also the thing that's commonly called Sudoku, but that is not what it's Called. It is called Sudoku. I have heard lots of people will be like, oh, I did one of. I was doing one of those. Sudoku. Sudoku. Sudoku. So doku. So do sudoku. Sudoku.

[A]

You know, people that just don't even try to pronounce things right. You know that. I think that makes everybody mad. People that habitually just say the wrong thing all the time. Who would do.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I mean? Nothing pisses off people more than that. I agree, Bob.

[B]

That's a strong agreement.

[C]

No room for error.

[B]

All right, Wade, now that you've had time to Google it, which one of these things came first?

[C]

Do I look like the kind of guy smart enough to Google?

[B]

No, you look like a DuckDuckGo guy. You're right. You look like an Ask Jeeves guy. Not gonna lie.

[C]

Is that because I'm bald?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna put this in this kind of context. The way I'm thinking about it. Crossword puzzles, you know, are letters. You put letters, you make words, and they have other words. Math is universal. Everyone needs math numbers. In Germany, there are words that are, like, 500 letters long, probably. There's a lot of long words. Their crosswords puzzles be really hard. Other, you know, places do things with, like, you know, I can't think of the term. Is it kanji? Like symbols and stuff? I don't know if they do crosswords or not. I don't know if that works.

[B]

Yeah, kanji. Kanji is Japanese symbols.

[C]

I don't know if that written language works the same because I've never studied it, so I don't know if that works. As for crossword type things, but numbers, everyone does. Sudoku definitely came first.

[B]

Locking that in.

[C]

Locked.

[B]

I don't do this with Mark. I don't know why, but with you, I feel like I feel obligated to have you lock it in.

[C]

It must be a big hint that I'm wrong, but I'll take it.

[B]

You said Sudoku was definitely invented first.

[C]

No doubt.

[B]

And of course, that is wrong.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

The first published crossword puzzle appeared in the New York World, which I assume is a paper in 1913 created by journalist Arthur Wynne. Another puzzle inventor, Howard Garnes, published the first game of Sudoku in 1979.

[A]

Wait, Howard. Tell me.

[B]

Howard Garns.

[C]

I always hated my great uncle.

[A]

Wait, did he just steal the Japanese game or.

[B]

I have always wondered how. How exactly Sudoku got its name. I will. I have to be honest. I'm pulling these from most of these from, like, thing so I'm sort of trusting someone else to have done this research.

[C]

Oh, I've been around both my answers, then I stand by them. You guys are like, GPS is American. You know, GPS stands for global positioning.

[B]

It was originally called Number Place.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

Probably just sounded better.

[C]

Maybe someone said, you go, dude. He misunderhood. It was like, Sudoku. That's a much better name than number Box.

[A]

It's just a bunch of people misinterpreting everybody.

[B]

Yeah, this. The. Even Wikipedia, which is the most trusted source I have on the Internet these days, says it was Howard Garn's, who was a retired architect and freelance puzzle constructor from Indiana.

[A]

A freelance puzzle constructor? Do you put an ad in the newspaper? Like, I can do puzzles. Trust me.

[C]

He's just doing.

[B]

He's out here. He's out here puzzling for the love of the game. All right? He doesn't puzzle for money.

[A]

That's like Marcus, you know? He's just like, please, let me put a. Let me put a code in here. Please, I'm begging you. Let me put a code in the dvd.

[C]

Please.

[A]

I'll create a whole password input menu. And, like, I just. People just want the movie, man. People just. People just want the movie.

[B]

Please. So Howard invented or maybe invented this version of it. The puzzle was introduced in Japan by maki kaji in 1984, and it was originally called in their publication. I'm going to pronounce this very wrong, but something approximately like, suji wa dokushin ni hagiru, which was shortened to so Sudoku, which. The original name. The original name in Japanese meant the digits must be single.

[C]

Mark, you have no reason to be offended. He was speaking Japanese, and you're Hawaiian.

[B]

The Japanese name actually came way later, but it was so fire that everyone was like, yeah, Number play sucks ass. Howard, we're gonna call it Sudoku.

[A]

I call it. You put the numbers in the box correctly. Number Fun time game.

[B]

Wade was wrong. Shocker.

[C]

I'll take my point.

[B]

Mark, you love science.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

You know lots of things. Which of these came first, vaccines or batteries?

[A]

I don't know why, but I got a horrible flashback, and I was just like, astrotine. The answer's astatine.

[C]

It's a trick.

[A]

It's all come full circle.

[B]

The Treaty of Winnebago. Whose wall was it?

[A]

Oh, hey, Hadrigs. Hadrix. I don't know what the real answer from the joke answer is anymore.

[B]

It's Hadrian, and it is Westphalia.

[C]

Oh, I said Winnebago.

[B]

Again, yeah. Winnebago is the joke answer. That's wrong.

[A]

Oh my God. Okay, what's. What was you. What were you trying to say to me?

[B]

Which one came first? Chicken vaccines or batteries?

[A]

I'm thinking batteries because I remember some about there being an ancient Egyptian urn that they had somehow rigged up with electric eels. But I don't know if that was just a joke or something, but I remember that being a thing. So I'm going to go with batteries because I believe in an archaeological excavation of some type, they did that.

[C]

I think you're right. I think Cleopatra got bit on her boob by a snake, but she thought it was an eel and she thought she was supercharging herself to get a real good amount of work done that day.

[A]

Yeah, that's what people used to do with radium. They used to have like these radium devices that they would put in their water to be like radioactivize your water to energize you through your day.

[B]

Do you want to lock that answer in, Mark?

[A]

I'm going to log it in.

[B]

Yeah, I really, I thought. Anyway, that's incorrect. I'm sorry. This one is very close. I feel like this one is. I would be curious about more detail on this one because what I have here is that in 19. Nope, not 19. In 1796, Edward Jenner used cowpox material to create a vaccine for smallpox. 1796. And then, great name. Alessandro Volta obviously invented the battery, which was originally called for some reason, an artificial electric organ. Very concerning name in 1800. So those were very close together. But I don't know, I'm curious what you read about the archaeological thing. I'm sure that there's something there because I'm sure you read it or it was in like a YouTube video or something and you were like, wow, that's crazy.

[A]

Yeah, it's probably not real.

[C]

Well, they built those really dark pyramids, so they probably had battery powered flashlights where they just tossed the needle in a metal vase. We're like, we could see.

[A]

Oh, I thought, I thought dark pyramids, like on the outside, like pure black pyramids. I'm like, what alternate reality pyramids have you seen, man?

[B]

Baghdad Battery or Parthian Battery is a 2000 year old artifact consisting of a clay jar, a copper cylinder and an iron rod. Unearthed near the ancient ruins of this primitive galvanic cell can generate a small electric current when filled with acidic liquid.

[A]

Is that real?

[B]

That is a Wikipedia entry for a thing called the quote Baghdad Battery. But like there's no way that they were generating electricity with it on purpose, because they didn't. Would not have known what electricity was or was. It was probably something where it was like, well, if we put all this shit in a jar and fill it with water and lemon juice, it's tingly when you drink it.

[A]

Yeah, that's probably what it was. It's just like. It's very tingly.

[C]

Oh, that's how they made surge.

[B]

So. So you're not crazy. You didn't hallucinate that. It's just like, there's no way it was being used as a battery for battery purposes.

[A]

Yeah. I'll leave it up to some audience member who knows way too much about this to be like, no, Mark's vindicated. And then we'll forget about it. But they'll be all like, he deserves his point. And, you know, oh.

[B]

There are theories that it was possibly an electroplating setup, which would be fucking crazy. Barely a. A researcher or historian in the 1930s working in the Iraq Museum observed a number of very fine objects from ancient Iraq that were plated with very thin layers of gold. And there was speculation that something like this, this pot with the. With the galvanic cell that they found was potentially used for electroplating, which is a thing I could totally see you discovering, sort of like accidentally. You need to understand what electricity is to be like. Well, if we do this, it plates shit in gold, because that's pretty sick.

[C]

Did they use Capri suns for cooling?

[B]

I mean, almost definitely. They grabbed a Capri sun out of the crafty cooler and slapped that bad boy on there to make sure that their galvanic cell could adequately gold plate their statue.

[A]

I can't wait to tell you about my next crazy build project that I have. But I can't talk about it yet.

[B]

It's gonna be.

[A]

It's gonna be psychotic. On another level. People don't know my crazy yet.

[B]

I'm gonna give you half a point for fascinating knowledge, Mark.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right, cool. Hey, Baghdad battery.

[C]

Well, I don't know if they had capris over there. Wait, what was the headdress called? Animes or something? N E M E S. What's that called? The headdress that they wore in Egypt. I can see the word. I don't remember how it's pronounced, I think. Plus, I'm way wrong. Maybe it's a nemesis. A nemesis son.

[A]

Nemesis son. A nemes son.

[B]

You all right?

[C]

I'm fine.

[B]

How are you talking about your nemesis son?

[C]

Yeah, my nemesis's Son. What a. Hate that guy.

[A]

Harsh. It's just his son, man. He didn't.

[B]

He didn't do anything to you.

[C]

You don't know that. He's my nemesis's son.

[B]

What a darn you.

[C]

Quacker Jack.

[A]

Quacker Jack.

[B]

Fucking Quacker Jack.

[C]

Yeah, he hated his son, too, but they're still both my nemesis, honestly.

[A]

Yeah, that seems like a villain. Nemesis. I could get that.

[B]

It's like a villain. A villain from Darkwing Duck.

[C]

Always putting the peanuts where they don't belong.

[B]

Wade, you are using one of these things right now, and I would wager that you've never used the other one of these things in your entire life.

[C]

Testicles.

[A]

Wait, you've never used your testicles?

[C]

Or maybe I'm using them right now. You don't know which one it is.

[B]

I hope it's not that second one you said. Okay, Wade, which came first, microphones or dishwasher?

[C]

I feel like microphone. I think people have been using some variation of microphones for a while. Unless. Unless you count people as dishwashers, man. People probably wash dishes for a while,

[B]

but I. Yeah, no, not. This is a thing where you don't have to wash the dishes because the dishwasher washes the voice. A device.

[C]

So that feels like a 40s, 50s type of thing, Right? Like the dishwasher. Microphone, probably older. Microphone. Locking it. I'm so locked.

[B]

You locking that in, Microphone?

[A]

I am locked.

[C]

No doubt. This is my vindication. How many coin flips can a person lose in a row?

[B]

I can tell you something about that. All right. This is another one that's surprisingly close, but I'll start by saying you're correct, Wade. Microphones were invented first. Yes. Shortly after the invention of the telephone, Emil Berliner created a transmitter amplifying the noise, and thus created the first microphone based on the technology that was involved in the first telephone in 1876, while Josephine Garrus Cochrane submitted her patent for the dishwasher a mere ten years later, 1940.

[C]

I was right.

[B]

In 1886 was the first patent for the first dishwasher. But it doesn't matter, because you were right. Microphones came first.

[C]

I mean, I wanted to be all the way right, but I'll take my

[B]

answer being right, Mark, you use both of these things. I'm fairly certain not anymore, because you. You fixed your eyeballs. But I think you have used both these things. Which came first? Contact lenses or escalators? And I don't know why I said it like that.

[A]

It had to have been a hint. There had to have been a hint in there. Escalators. You said later. He emphasized later, which means that it came later.

[C]

Or he doesn't mean the stairs. He means people that escalate things.

[A]

No, no, Esca, from the root Latin word Eskimo, meaning cold, as in you're cold, you're cold. You' hot. If you're picking this one, yep, cold. And later, he's giving me subtle hints that this one, not later, is in farther away. It's farther from the right answer, which is contact lenses. And also that'd be more surprising. So I'm gonna go with that one.

[B]

Mark has finally discovered the real game here. Mark finally properly interpreted the clues I have been leaving in each presented question. And of course, contact lenses were the first invention. Mark is the only one who understands what's happening here.

[C]

Can I have a fresco?

[B]

Contact lenses, the first ones were made entirely of glass, which sounds just awful. Were invented in 1887. And four years later, Jesse Reno, hell of a name, invented and showed off the first prototype of an escalator at Coney Island. What a time to be alive. When you go to an amusement park, you're like, do you guys want to ride, to sit. Sit there, or do you want to go up the escalator? So much fun shit at this place.

[A]

There were a few, like, early rollercoaster or amusement park things where like the spinning discs on the floor where you just, you lay down and it kind of just moves you at random. God help you if your clothes get

[B]

caught in one of those, no matter how stupid it is. Because I'm an adult and I know how to get off an escalator. Every single time I'm on an escalator, I'm like, oh, but what if I, what if I move my foot too late? And what if my foot gets sucked in at the end of the escalator? And what if I get shredded into spaghetti on the escalator? And then I'll be spaghetti for the rest of my life, which won't be very long. The spinning discs on the ground thing looks like a fucking nightmare. It looks like an on purpose meat grinder for humans.

[C]

There was an incident a few years ago where a lady, I think it was another country that was like China or something, but she stepped on like one of the metal plates past the, not the escalator, but the walking path. And I think like her leg got caught because it wasn't actually where the thing's meant to be. Was like the plate collapsed. I think her leg got pretty fucked Up. She might have even died. I don't remember.

[B]

But no matter how many escalators I go on, every single time, I'm like, God, don't get sucked in. Don't get sucked in. Pull your pants up. Don't have saggy pants is not a good place for that. Wade, this one is tricky. Which came first, matches or lighters? It's a tricky one. It's tricky.

[C]

I mean, I feel like the obvious answers matches, but if you say it's tricky, it makes me think, okay, well, that's obviously lighters.

[B]

Maybe it's a different kind of tricky.

[C]

Or you're saying it's tricky because you thought I'd overthink it and go past and then I should go back. Because the answer is really the one that makes the most sense, which would be matches.

[B]

You want to lock that in a

[C]

lighter just seems so much more complex than fire stick.

[B]

It really is. Unless you think about it, how people

[C]

light torches back in. Like the bcs, they just rub them on the ground for a while. They have a lighter. I don't think they have a lighter.

[B]

Look, I'm not trying to give you hints. I am saying I'm not trying to

[C]

help you DM me the answer real quick so I can say the right one out loud. Ok, But I'm going to lock in matches before you do.

[B]

I'm going to open. I'm going to open Discord and I'm going to DM you the correct answer right now. Wow. Discord apparently has an update. Give me a sec.

[A]

There's an update to Discord every day. Multiple updates. What are they doing?

[B]

They got to add more microtransactions and for some reason, games. All right, wait. I DM'd you the correct answer.

[C]

That's great. I'm gonna lock in matches like I already said.

[B]

All right, you stay locked in with it. You know what? I respect your integrity, Wade, because of course, matches is wrong.

[A]

I was readying my coin because you were literally slow walking him towards the room. Hey, wait a minute.

[B]

I was trying. Apparently, the first lighter was invented by Johan Wolfgang Duberiner, great name, in 1823. But then, not far behind him, chemist John Walker invented the friction match in 1826.

[C]

There had to have been matches before the 1800s.

[B]

If you think about it, though, the thing about matches isn't that it's a piece of wood that burns, it's that there's a chemical compound on the tip of it that ignites into fire when you rub it on something that's kind of rough, right? It's not that it's a stick that burns. It's that someone had to invent the chemical. Lighter is just shit that already burned in a container where all of it doesn't burn at once. But a match is actually like a chemistry invention.

[A]

I would have looked at it a different way for why I would have picked lighter first. Because even though matches seem like something that's easier to make, it's a mass production issue. Matches necessitate some kind of factory or mass production method to make the small sticks in a box, right? And that needs other steps because it's

[B]

meaningless to make, like 10 matches, you need to make like, like thousands and thousands of matches.

[A]

It's true.

[C]

I was just thinking, you know, you have a stick, you have your pot of oily goo you dump on people when they go to storm your castle, and you're just like, pitch, sure, sure. You just. And then you're like, match torch your arrows.

[B]

What do you use to light your match that doesn't have a compound that lights when you strike it on something?

[C]

You gotta have your flammable pot of things to pour on people that come into your castle, right? Like.

[A]

Like, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah, man. Oh, yeah.

[B]

I literally tried to tell you the correct answer on that one, buddy. I. Mark was ready to fight you on that, but.

[C]

Well, good thing for him I'm a man of stupid integrity.

[B]

You consciously chose to ignore my cheating hints and stick to your guns, and that is worth zero points. All right, I'm gonna say this is the last one, I think.

[C]

And then Wade gets a speed round to still lose.

[B]

See, if I need to cheat more to help Wade really stay in this one. Mark, which came first, Ballpoint pens or zippers? And so it is an important distinction that it's ballpoint pens because there were fountain pens for, like, a while, right? Where you. You need to, like, physically fill it with ink. And it's more like a ballpoint pens, meaning it's got the little cartridge, it has the little. It works the way the pens that we're modernly accustomed to work. It's not just a pen, because there have been lots of different variations of those.

[A]

There's a fairly famous story about the space race between the US and the USSR that talks about, oh, the Americans, they spent X billion dollars inventing a pen or pencil that could write upside down in space underwater. Blah, blah, blah. That's so good. And then the ussr, they just used a pencil. The wisdom of that is like using graphite in space. Is a very bad idea because the lead breaks off, it goes into the electrical system, it causes a short circuit, and it had a horrible fire. Many have d. Well, not many, but, you know, people have died because of fires.

[C]

Is that what happened to Sputnik?

[A]

Yes, everyone on Sputnik. There's no survivors from Sputnik.

[C]

That's what I thought.

[B]

The guy that they set up in Sputnik who is just like the tiny little guy in the ball.

[A]

But that being said, the other option being zipper. Okay, if I go with my logic of zipper needing some kind of. That's not an easy thing to make. It requires some kind of precision metal and fabric and fusion.

[C]

And there's a famous story I'm not sure you're aware of, where a guy with a zipper zipped his balls up in it. It's called there's something about Mary, a classic film.

[A]

Oh, my God. What happened to him? Is he okay?

[C]

Well, in the movie, he wasn't, but in real life, I think he's.

[A]

What happened to him? His balls go away.

[C]

Hospital trip because he couldn't unzip.

[A]

I'm gonna go with ballpoint pen just because. No, But.

[C]

But when did they have zippers now?

[B]

That's right. We do have zippers now.

[A]

Whatever. I'm just gonna say pen because.

[B]

All right, Mark says ballpoint pens came first.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that, of course, is correct.

[C]

Whoa.

[B]

So this one actually doesn't have a year in the notes that I have, annoyingly. But it says ballpoint pens were invented three years before zippers hit the scene.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

So, like, people's dicks just flopping around before that. What were they doing?

[A]

Buttons.

[B]

Ballpoint pens were apparently patented in America, which is maybe what they're using to establish the year for this in 1888. So that means that based on this, zippers would have come into existence in 1891.

[A]

Wait, when were ballpoints been made?

[B]

1888 was the first patent, but that's

[A]

before my science anecdote stories. This is tearing a hole in my entire logical argument, Even though I got a point, so I'm not gonna fight it very much.

[B]

There were definitely ballpoint pens before we invented the special space pen. Right. That's how they knew they had to invent a special one because they had regular ballpoint pens. And the first guy they set up in space was like, hey, this doesn't work. They're like, okay, we'll do space pen.

[A]

Then someone got their ball stuck in a fountain pen and was like, ow.

[B]

I have an idea.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

Oh. I can't forget this idea. Even this hurts. I'm gonna keep writing and think how

[C]

sexy the noise will be when we undress.

[B]

This one is confusing. I'm gonna abandon completely the thing I said about being the last one because I forgot that I really. I really like these last two because you'll never figure it out. Which one came first, Toothpaste or toothbrush?

[C]

People just dry clean their teeth or did they have something they thought cleaned their teeth that they would just rub on with their fingers or hair or dick?

[A]

Back in the day, people's dicks used to be way longer.

[C]

I'm gonna say toothpaste. It seems wrong, it seems crazy, it seems anti sensical, and therefore I like it. Toothpaste came first.

[B]

You want to lock that in.

[C]

Locking it in.

[B]

Well, Wade says toothpaste came first, and of course that's correct.

[A]

I did it.

[B]

There is evidence of ancient Egyptians using paste to clean their teeth around 5000 BC, but actual tools to be used in the cleaning of teeth are not evidenced in historical records until sometime around 3500-3000 BC. So it's all old stuff, but apparently Egyptians just would take some paste and give it the old.

[C]

I was hoping that was the case, but I could have seen it going either way. I was like, maybe they took a squirrel and put some little hairs in it thing. And we're like.

[B]

And I balanced it out there. Mark. I tried to lead him away from the correct answer. So I know you. I know you didn't call for a coin flip, but I just want to. I'm not only cheating in one direction.

[C]

All right, that's a good episode. Let's stop there.

[B]

Mark, I know you've actually. I don't know for a fact you've had both of these, but I presume you've had both of these things in your mouth at one point or another.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Oh, that's the question.

[B]

Pepsi or Coca Cola, man.

[A]

Well, one would feel like this answer would be obvious, and I had to

[B]

do it this way because I think Wade. Wade has potentially personal information that might make him have more of an advantage on this question.

[C]

I do have family that worked in coke.

[B]

I don't know if that means you actually know anything about it, but it could.

[A]

The one unique advantage that coke had back in the day was that it had cocaine in it. Now what that would might say is like, oh, the original recipe, blah, blah, blah. I think that was an attempt to have a competitive advantage over the other party. Right? If it's like, oh, Ours has cocaine. You're gonna fucking love this shit. And Pepsi came first and had something else, it would have been to me, it's like Coca Cola hat was the newcomer that beat him out. Right.

[B]

I hear what you're saying. I hear what you're getting at. Mark. I'm going to give you the same thing that I gave to Wade on an earlier question. And I'm going to allow you to do with that information what you will.

[A]

Oh no, it was the obvious one. Oh no, I locked in. I'll be a man of honor. Unless I shouldn't.

[B]

Look, you didn't even say you were locked in. There is nothing except however you're gonna feel about it that has an impact on whether or not you can change what answer you're leaning towards and what you want to give me as your final locked in answer.

[C]

But wait, is he leading you toward the answer or away from it?

[A]

Well, he's literally given me the answer.

[B]

So remember when I DM'd you the correct answer to that other one? That's what I just did for mark. I just DM'd him the correct answer.

[C]

Oh, shit.

[A]

So, but, but I'll say this. If, if there's ever a situation on a game show where you know you have to, you have to do something to win, I won't change my answer. I said Pepsi and I. I'm going to go with Pepsi.

[B]

And of course that is incorrect.

[A]

So close.

[B]

But I am going to give you an integrity point.

[C]

Oh, it's integral.

[B]

They are very close. All of these were very close. Coca Cola dates back to 1886. Pepsi dates back to 1893. I will say I had a little, I had a little side game going in my head. I was trying to cheat for you guys pretty blatantly. I was going to punish you if anyone took my very blatantly obvious clue giving and dming of correct answers. I was waiting for someone to pounce at me. Leading you, slow walking you directly at the correct answer. Not a single person took the bait.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

And I'm a little shocked.

[C]

Yeah, I thought for sure Mark would.

[B]

So fuck that part of what I had in my head completely. All this was, was a game where we're talking about which thing was invented first and there was nothing else to it. And I'm the asshole because I was trying to lure you into. What's that word? No, no. Integrity. Bad Integrity. Integris list. Integrity list.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it.

[B]

I was trying to lure you into bad behaviors and you were both good. Good boys, bad boy. The other part of that is I was kind of keeping the score pretty, pretty chill because I was looking forward to whoever was going to get punished that was going to sort of create a dispense. Anyway, let's look at the points. Look at how many points you guys. I have.

[A]

Bounty.

[B]

He did a bounce again.

[C]

I still don't.

[B]

He's never gonna do a single bounty in his life.

[A]

This is. This is fantastic. While we were doing that episode, I was really hoping you weren't gonna see the flashing on my screen because one of the bounties is to play an entire level of five Nights at Freddy's while the episode is going on. And every time I flipped up the screen, I noticed on my face it was like, bright, like shining light.

[C]

I'm just so used to you always doing other things of it.

[A]

That did work to my advantage. But, yeah, every time I did that, like, look at my. Oh, I died. But I. I beat that level. But not only did I do that, the other part of that was to beat a level of. It was an ore, but I did both.

[B]

Oh, did you also do power wash

[A]

and a power wash level both to just flex on it to show that I can multitask with the best of them.

[C]

God, you're such a master of half assing this podcast. I'm jealous. I'm not gonna lie. I thought you were gonna say you did the one where, like, somewhere throughout the episode, you just put your camera on, like, repeat for like two minutes and we didn't notice.

[A]

I realized I could have done the shirt one, but I picked the wrong shirt to do it for, like, the really obvious blue. Here come the mummies 1.

[B]

The shirt that at the top of the recording, I was like, wow, is that a. Is that a Here comes the mummy shirt, Mark. Wow. I noticed what shirt you're wearing. Very spec.

[A]

So I'm very much looking forward to.

[B]

To this 13 complete a level of FNAF1 or power wash simulator in an episode without the other guys noticing. Suggested by batgirl and spoiler upvoted 101 times was suggested in May. I'm going to check that off. I'm going to give you your two points.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

They seem to be a good way to win.

[B]

I'm not going to throw this out as, like, oh, I caught you. There were definitely a couple times where I was like, wow, Mark. Must be like googling about whatever shit we're talking, because there were a couple of times where I looked at your Face. And you were just like. And I was like, ah, he's doing. But like you said, like, you. You do that a lot. No matter what we're doing, you're like. You're Googling the thing we were just talking about, or you're Googling the next. So I just, like, wrote it off. I was like, ah, he's just, like, looking at something.

[A]

He's just cheating horribly over there.

[B]

At no point did I legitimately peg you as doing the bounty playing a game, so. All right, Mark, you earned points for Everything's coming up markiplier Universal got mogged. Sweaty Chef guitar came first. Strong agreement point. Fascinating knowledge point. Contact lenses came first. Ballpoint pens came first. An integrity point and a FNAF bounty point. Two points. Wade, you got.

[C]

We can just skip. It's fine.

[B]

I don't know why I wrote it in this way, but you got a pity point and an integrity point. You got a point for. I don't remember what that was. You had a point for Tay Tay and Trey. Trey getting married. Got a poi for satir satyr satire. You got a Cleopatra boob snake bite point. You got a what a bitch point. You were correct about microphones coming first. There's something about Mary balls in zipper point. And you were correct about toothpaste, which means, Mark, you have nine and a half points, and, Wade, you have eight points.

[C]

God, my comedic genius kept me in whenever my knowledge failed, just like in life.

[B]

I'm still unsure is it two points or three points. Was a three point bounty like a special one?

[A]

Three was only for, like, the first one, I think. And then.

[C]

Yeah, I think it was 2 to 3. We agreed on typically where 3 is, like, the harder to get ones, but I gave three the first time because it was the first one.

[B]

I just don't. I just don't want to do it wrong, but, like, I just don't remember.

[A]

It might be up to the judge to decide how much that. Yeah.

[B]

Let's see how many spins we're gonna get and if Mark's win is secured or if I'm gonna have to do a. Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God. It's anybo game.

[B]

Three spins, baby.

[C]

I'm not gonna do this, but if you use the coin on the spins, would you rather get none or six?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

Yeah, I might have to use that one day if I really.

[B]

I am gonna stick to the theme of today's episode and say that whomsoever was born first gets the point between the competitors. All right.

[C]

I think that's always me.

[B]

So that one's skewed towards Wade, but that's okay because he stinks. Three spins. Spin number one. Current record holder for most points.

[A]

Oh, God, I don't know. We gotta go to the.

[B]

And I remember I have one where there was a shit ton of points for both of you. I'm trying to find it here. This is one where Mark has 17. 18. There's one where Mark has 18.

[C]

If.

[A]

If it's like the record of all time, I don't know that. But currently, as it stands, as of the last point total count for this season, just I don't know what episode. It's me with 50, Bob with 55 and a half, and Wade with 56. So technically. But I don't know if that's record holder.

[B]

Here's a. Here's a Bob's Secret Words episode. Mark has 26 points.

[C]

That's a lot.

[B]

And Wade has 29 points.

[C]

The highest I saw in this book was 19.

[B]

I think that might be the highest scoring episode I have ever done. But I like Mark's version better because now that we have now, that person is actually, like, keeping track of things. I mean, like, it's. It's a reward for being good at distracting. If you have the most points, you get even more points. The rich get richer. That's how I like to run things.

[C]

I have the most points this season with the fewest wins. Yeah.

[B]

Isn't that funny? Anyway, so that means Wade gets that one. Spin number two.

[C]

TMI point I mentioned balls stuck in a zipper.

[B]

They weren't your balls.

[C]

It could be. I'm looking at my balls right now. Is that tmi?

[A]

I'm looking at. I'm looking down at my crotch. I don't know. What. I don't know.

[C]

I'm also looking down at Mark's crotch.

[B]

I feel like this one is not immediately apparent that I. There was no. There's a lot of duds on this wheel. Paradel had the best time I had.

[A]

I remember at the beginning of this, I was all like, yeah. And I played two games during the episode. I had a great time.

[B]

Yeah, I think Mark definitely had the best time.

[C]

I. I can't. I can't disagree with that.

[B]

Spin number three. Still a tight game. Everything's going great.

[C]

Fuck, he fucked up.

[B]

Now it's before the spin happened.

[A]

I'm gonna start right before the wheel starts spinning. Just load it up.

[C]

There's a lot of things that come up on this wheel that are like, man, before the wheel Comes up. I'm just gonna start. Lay flat.

[A]

Who gotta eat, gotta drink, gotta fuck. Fuck, Fuck. My balls.

[B]

My balls. I feel like this one is targeted towards, like, whoever got the maddest and said fuck a bunch. Mark had a great time, Mark was really happy, and Wade was barely awake, so I don't said fuck very much.

[C]

Fuck.

[B]

Well, now you said it a lot in the last 30 seconds.

[C]

Yeah, I sure did.

[B]

Come on. Currently sponsored. Is anyone currently sponsored by anyone?

[C]

Not the podcast, not us, not me,

[B]

Man, I wish I was. None of us have any active sponsorships or anything.

[C]

If you guys want to come to our Twitch channels and leave a sub, we make no money right now, apparently.

[A]

My God, this is the most spins we've ever had.

[B]

All right, Spin three, attempt three. Come on, Wheel. Most personal attacks. Well, I made fun of Wade kind of, but honestly, you guys both. You both showed an annoyingly high level of integrity during this episode.

[A]

If anything, I said that thing about the mispronunciations. That was actually a Wade attack.

[C]

I told Mark he wasn't from Japan. He was from Hawaii. Is that an attack?

[A]

Well, Japan and Hawaii do have a really rough history with attack attacks, you know.

[C]

That's right. They collected a bunch of pearls or something. I remember that.

[B]

Okay, spin number three. Attempt number four. Come on, come on. Just give a shortest and get it over with. Most impressions.

[C]

No. Not a single.

[B]

One single impression of it, is it? Spin number three. Attempt number five. Come on, we got this.

[A]

We got this.

[C]

We're going to have so many messages where we did all of these things.

[B]

Best Scottish accent. Perform if necessary.

[C]

Donkey, get out of me swamp.

[B]

Oh, God. Mark wins. He doesn't have to perform.

[A]

Och, Donkey, get out of me swamp.

[C]

Banger.

[A]

Gently. What'd you say? My name is Banger. My name is Banger.

[B]

Don't mimic his. It's not helping your case.

[A]

It's helping my case. You tell me who's helping his case.

[B]

Ethan, is that you?

[A]

The Scottish minds are real brutal to him.

[B]

Ah, Mark gets that one. It actually did matter, because if Wade had gotten that, he would have won. But Wade, unfair. Mark won the Scottish accent, not because of what he just did, but because I know what his Scottish accent sounds like when he's really trying. And you had an opportunity to overtake that in your performance, Wade. But I felt like it was. Was inconsistent, but. So I gave Mark the point for the Scottish accent because I've heard him do it many a time, and he has a. He has a. He's a good Scottish accent for A person who does not specialize in doing accents or impersonations. It's a good accent. But then Wade said the word and held up his giant ass. Stupid coin. So what exactly are you calling unfair

[C]

on him having the best Scottish accent? It's not just can do, it's did. If it was just permanent, there'd be no point for it to be on the wheel. It would just be give a point.

[B]

It's not can do or did, it's best Scottish accent.

[C]

I'm arguing what that means.

[B]

So the result of the score and flip is going to decide what exactly the point means. Now that's stupid. Look, I'm just gonna say, if it's all heads, that means it's fair and needs to be made doubly fair. And so Mark gets two points. If it's. If it's whatever. If it's all mixed bag, that means it's fair. Nothing happens. And if it's all tails, that means it's unfair and will be made doubly unfair. Oh, wait, no, I'm saying it backwards. But if it's all tails, Wade gets the point.

[C]

All right. Tails never fails.

[A]

Wait, if it's all heads, he gets the point. Because that's what he wants, right?

[B]

All right.

[A]

Who cares? Then it needs to be doubly made. It's super fair.

[C]

Yeah, I'll take all heads and all tails. If it's mixed, then we'll give it to Mark.

[B]

If it's all heads, Wade gets a point. If it's all tails, Mark gets two points.

[A]

How have we forgotten how this works?

[B]

It's been a minute since we've actually done a coin flip, man.

[A]

All right, I'm flipping. Oh, I got a heads.

[B]

I got a heads, I got a lion, which is tails on my coin.

[C]

Fuck me in the Alps.

[A]

I'd say my coin wanted to pull for you, Wade, but the way the coin flips sometimes is fair.

[C]

And fair. And fair. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm flat.

[B]

All right, the final score after an inordinate number of wheel spins is now mark with 19 and a half. Nope. That's not how math works. What the fuck did I just read? 11 and a half.

[C]

Very different.

[B]

Wade.

[A]

With Ted, I'll take 19 and a half.

[B]

Canonically, Mark has 19 and a half points. Anyway, Mark wins either way. Congratulations to Mark. Wade, would you like to give your loser speech?

[C]

I was here. That's it.

[B]

Hardly a speech at all. Thank you, Mark Winter speech.

[A]

I had a great time. I knew a positive mental attitude was gonna be able to get me through this. And that's what I did, and that's what I have, and that's what I'm gonna carry over into my next judging session, whatever that may be. Is it gonna be the perfectest crime?

[B]

He froze. Did he freeze for you? Okay, he's back. I thought we were about to have another disappearing Mark moment right as I'm laughing. Yeah, no, it literally froze with you.

[C]

Be like. Like whenever I slammed my desk and froze my own audio mix up anyway.

[B]

Yeah, well, I can't wait to see that. I'm sure that Mark is telling the truth, and it will definitely be the most perfect crime. I'm sure that's gonna happen. I'm very excited about that. I'm glad Mark won so we finally get to experience that for real life. Congratulations to Mark and condolences to Wade. Despite being mostly asleep and really phoning it in, he did a pretty good job. And you were very close, which is very undeserved. So that's impressive in its own way.

[C]

Keeping up my streak of the most points and losses.

[B]

Make sure you follow us all on all of our channels and things. Lord Minion 77 or Minion 777. My skirm or markiplier. Make sure you follow the show on whatever platform you like. Watching it and or listening to it on. Just click the little plus thing and then you'll know when the episodes come out, even though they've come out on the same day for literal years. I know we're not doing Fridays right now, but the ups. The show has come out on Monday since. Since the dawn of time as far as distractible is concerned. So I feel like you should know that. Check out the merch shop, because you never know when merch is going to pop up. Not right now, but you never know. Distractible shop. Check it out.

[C]

Oh, shit. What game is Mark playing now?

[A]

Well, I'm looking right at you guys.

[C]

He's doing another bounty.

[A]

I'm literally looking at you. I've never looked at you guys harder.

[B]

Thank you for listening. Thank you even more for watching. We'll see you in the next episode, which will be hosted by Mark. Congratulations again. Until then, podcast out.