B (2:47)

Pretty good. Pretty good.

A (2:49)

How are you, host?

C (2:50)

Oh, I'm doing okay. One half of my eyes work right now, and it's great.

B (2:54)

Wait, is your good eye or your bad eye? The one that's working. Do you have that, or is that just a me thing?

C (2:58)

My left eye is more dominant, and my left eye is okay, but whenever one eye's not okay, it really screws with you. But it'd probably be worse if it was my left eye that was blurry.

B (3:05)

Yeah, yeah, you're fine. You're fine. Shut up. Okay.

A (3:09)

Don't shut up.

C (3:10)

Oh, you know, I was gonna. I should have taken away a point, but I'm not ready on the points pads yet, so. You're lucky. You're lucky.

B (3:15)

That was a test and you failed.

A (3:17)

Oh, man.

C (3:18)

Just wait till I get this pen in my hand. I'm gonna remember these things.

B (3:20)

I know. You probably won't be able to read it anyway. I'm not that scared.

A (3:23)

Yeah, you're a jerk.

C (3:24)

Come on, guys. I've almost got.

B (3:26)

No, I wasn't saying he was a jerk. I was saying he's an idiot.

C (3:29)

Guys, please, save it for the episode. Wait, this is the episode.

A (3:32)

I can smell you through the Internet.

B (3:34)

I can smell you.

C (3:37)

Morgan Freeman, is that you?

B (3:39)

No, but that's what it was supposed to be. Isn't that a seanatters video? Oh, right. It's like, gassy Mexican. And cn, he's like, they're playing prop hunt, and he's like, can you hunt me as Morgan Freeman? And he's just like, I could smell you.

C (3:53)

I think you're right. Video is probably 12 years old now.

B (3:56)

Oh, well, I think it's older than that. I got bad news.

C (4:00)

Points are ready to be going down. Bob, I forget all the mean things you said, so you do get a point for that reference.

B (4:06)

Yeah. I'm such a nice guy, I earned a point accidentally during my insult session.

A (4:11)

You are the nice one.

B (4:13)

I'm like the inverse Grinch.

C (4:14)

The Cinch. What's the opposite of G? Is there an opposite of a letter?

B (4:18)

Schnurg.

C (4:19)

Ah.

A (4:21)

Oh, we're playing that game, are we?

C (4:23)

No. Well, you can right now. You play whatever game you want. But no, that's not my game.

B (4:27)

Everybody loved that game, if I recall.

C (4:29)

It was fun. I enjoyed it.

B (4:30)

Didn't you guys yell at each other because you were doing it in different ways and then getting mad?

C (4:34)

Sure, but I still had fun. Especially since I knew I was doing

B (4:38)

it right and Mark did, too. I'm Inferring from his noises, oh, I'm the host.

C (4:44)

I gotta move us on. I was like, what now? What happens next, guys? We usually and will continue to start with small talk. So I guess anything new? Anything good?

A (4:51)

I got a few fun things. I'm going to the Oscars.

C (4:55)

Really?

A (4:56)

Not because I'm going to win anything or I've been nominated, but I've been invited to the Oscars.

B (5:02)

I've never been invited.

C (5:03)

They have my address, right? Because I haven't seen anything yet. And I'm assuming.

A (5:06)

Oh, oh, it must be in the mail. Yeah, yeah, must be in the mail. I have no idea. Because I've been to, like, premieres and stuff and things like that.

B (5:14)

This is.

A (5:15)

I've been to, obviously, the Emmys, but that was the family and children's Emmys. What's going to be different about this one is like I basically being forced to walk the red carpet. But I'm curious. I'm curious this time if it'll be different than it usually is. You know what I mean?

C (5:30)

A lot more sneers and dirty looks coming your way.

A (5:32)

Actually, you're probably right about that. They're going to ignore me harder.

C (5:35)

There's going to be one dark, like, mahogany carpet, and you're just going to see a mouse with a bat waiting for you to walk down that way.

A (5:42)

Oh, no,

C (5:45)

Mickey. No.

B (5:47)

Really fucked up this time, pals. You're going to need to send help for this. Sam Raimi sends his regards.

C (5:56)

Allegedly.

A (5:58)

Yeah, that covers. That's legally covering. Any kind.

B (6:01)

When that happens in real life will be covered. That's pretty sick, though. Are you, like, borrowing a suit made of mole pelts or something crazy. Are you wearing. Doing the whole thing?

A (6:11)

Mole pelts? How'd you know my suit, man?

B (6:14)

I look, I follow the. I follow the industry. What can I say? I have my finger on the pulse, you know?

C (6:18)

Cashmere mole pelts.

A (6:21)

This is the tricky thing. I do have to get, like, a really nice suit, which I have some nice suits, but it's like by someone, you know, a designer or something. And I'll. I'll have to be expected to pull

C (6:31)

like a Gaga man, show up at something crazy, be like in a ball full of blood, like wearing an oxygen mask or something like.

A (6:37)

Yeah, I'm not going to lie. It was pretty cool. I don't know how to do that. I think they'd be really pissed if I just got blood all over the.

B (6:43)

You should just do it yourself.

C (6:45)

No, it's like. It's like one of those Hamster balls. You know, the things people, like, fight each other in. Like, they roll at each other down the hill in the balls.

B (6:51)

You still have those balls from Unus Annus when you kick Ethan in the nuts?

C (6:55)

Yeah.

A (6:56)

I'm sure somewhere just bust out one of those.

B (6:58)

It'll be fine.

A (6:59)

I show up in one of those, it's like. It's like I only have this much air in there, and I'm just dead

C (7:04)

by the time

A (7:06)

floating in this blood ball.

C (7:08)

If you have performance, no one would forget.

B (7:10)

Everyone would remember you. That's true. That's the goal.

A (7:14)

That's the goal. You're right. That is the goal. Anyway, it's not usually my thing to go to event events like that, but I'm kind of obligated into because I'm working with YouTube a lot for things. And it's not this year that they're hosting the Oscars, but I think next year or the year after that, YouTube TV is gonna air on the Oscar.

C (7:33)

Or

A (7:35)

I should just flip that. I don't want to say it again. Oscar is gonna air on YouTube TV.

B (7:42)

Scratch that. Reverse it. Yeah, whatever.

A (7:44)

2029, actually, so it'll be quite a few years. But one of the people at YouTube got me an invite, so.

B (7:49)

Oh, that's pretty sick.

A (7:50)

I'm about to be ruined by Hollywood.

B (7:53)

I have a reason to watch the Oscars now. Just to see if there's a moment where they pan pass you. And I'm like, oh.

A (8:00)

Because that's all it's going to be.

B (8:01)

It's going to be if it's fucking. What if you, like, walk in? Because it's all assigned seats, right? Or at least some of it is. Like, they give you a thing, and you walk in and you're like, F20. And it's like fucking Samuel L. Jackson. Or someone is just sitting there and you're like,

C (8:20)

spotlight's gonna land on us. Be like, Everyone raise your hands for Mark Wahlberg. Mark Wahlberg.

A (8:28)

I'm not nominated for anything, but I keep.

B (8:30)

I know you'll probably be, like, up in the balcony or whatever, but you'll be in there. You'll be breathing the same farts as those people.

C (8:37)

You're right.

A (8:37)

They got great farts. I probably will be just, like, shoved off to the side. But, hey, you know, it's an honor.

B (8:43)

No, that's cool. Wait, if you're walking the red carpet, does that mean you get to do the cool motion video rig thing where they have celebrities do a little po. And that guy got fired for Some reason that I don't understand. Even though his stuff was always awesome.

A (8:55)

I don't know who that is, but maybe. I don't know. I don't want to. Glambot, I think, is what it's called.

B (8:59)

Glambot, that's the one.

A (9:00)

I don't know if I want to do that because the risk reward is so low. Because either I fuck it up and everyone who's made fun of it, and I've probably made fun of it, somebody is like, ha, ha, you can't do it.

B (9:10)

Right.

A (9:11)

Even though it's turning and looking at a thing, you know, that's really all it is. Or I'm immortalized as yet another fucking meme for some stupid face I pulled and I didn't. On the fucking Glambot. I don't think that there's any winning for me of doing that.

B (9:27)

You're right. You basically have to do it.

A (9:30)

No, I have to run away from the glambot.

C (9:34)

So what they get you on Glambot is looking at it in fear and running.

A (9:37)

Pretty much, yeah. Then that would be the meme. Yeah, you're right.

B (9:40)

It's you realizing.

A (9:41)

And then, like, that'd be a good. And then it just starts following me.

B (9:47)

It's like a minute long one when they're usually like 10 seconds or something.

A (9:50)

And then you just see it, like, go through my chest as a big explosion of blood out the back in front of the lens, like. And I'm dead.

C (9:58)

And glambots immortalized forever.

B (10:00)

That's how I want to die. Get Alien by a glam bot.

C (10:04)

Well, now you put. If it came from the back and burst like a chest burster. Glambot, that'd be kind of cool.

B (10:08)

Yeah. Well, if it's chasing him, I'm assuming he's not running away backwards.

A (10:11)

Yeah. Why would I do that? That just looks.

B (10:14)

He's running away backwards just so he could be like.

C (10:18)

Don't forget to like and subscribe.

B (10:20)

Still gotta pull a face.

C (10:22)

That's pretty cool, though. Hope you enjoy the Oscars. That sounds fun.

A (10:24)

Yeah, There you go.

B (10:25)

Yeah, I hope that's fun. That seems like it'll be fun. Maybe kind of boring, maybe kind of weird, but hopefully pretty fun.

A (10:30)

I mean, it'll be a little weird because the things for me always are a little weird. I'm still gonna be like, why am I here? I don't know why I'm here.

C (10:38)

They're gonna have. I forget what the movie was that you were competing with for number one with Iron Lung, but they're gonna have you present them an award just to, like, rub it in.

A (10:44)

It's. Send help.

C (10:45)

Yeah, they're just gonna get an award to make you present it. Like, oh, surprise award presenter, markiplier.

A (10:52)

And, like, the last thing I is present. I don't really like the idea of presenting things. I don't know why. It's just like some.

B (10:59)

You're like reverse Tony Stark. You don't like handing people things.

A (11:03)

No.

C (11:04)

What a. What a reference.

B (11:06)

Nobody pointed and said that was funny. I'm crushed.

A (11:09)

I thought it was funny.

B (11:10)

I thought it was funny. I know, but you just laughed like a nerd.

C (11:14)

I went straight to giving you a point. What's better than that?

A (11:16)

See, look, Wade, that was funny.

B (11:20)

See, that's what I want.

A (11:22)

No, it's an insult.

C (11:23)

Oh, it was so good. I went straight to the. I bypassed laughing. Went straight to the point.

B (11:27)

I'll take it.

C (11:28)

Oh, so Mark's going to the Oscars. Bob, what's your competing small talk?

B (11:31)

Don't have diarrhea today for the first

A (11:33)

time in a while.

B (11:34)

So, you know, I'm doing pretty good Oscars. Tummy troubles? You know, I'm feeling pretty good. No, I haven't had diarrhea. Don't slander me like that, self. This. Well, this is equally stupid compared to Mark's thing, but my car had a recall on it. I've owned this car for, like, a year and almost two years now. And since I bought it, since before I bought it, this recall was out. It's one of those ones where it's like, it's not going to kill you, but, like, it might break at some point and be very inconvenient. But they were in no rush or obligation to, like, fix it. So I waited for a long fucking time. And I. On Friday this past week, I dropped it off, and they had my car Friday through Monday over the weekend, which was, again, kind of annoying. But they're fixing a thing, and it has been for the last year. Every time I turn it on, it goes, bing, bong. There's an open recall on me. You should get me fixed. And I've been like, fucking. I would if I could, right? I had to, like, wait my turn to get. Finally got it scheduled. I dropped it off, and I was like, okay, so you guys are going to fix the recall. Whatever. You replace the part and you're going to turn off the thing in the software where every time I drive my car, it tells me that there's a recall, right? Because now I got it fixed. So I don't need that anymore. And the person at the desk was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, they're going to fix it. And I was like, I don't think you answered my question. I think you just kind of waved me away. But I don't care to talk to you anymore. And I'm going to assume it'll be fixed. Got my car back yesterday. It was on when I got it because the guy, like, pulled it out front and I got in. I didn't drive it again until today. I got in this morning, turned it on, and I was like, ah, it's good to have my car back. Ding, ding. There's an open recall on me. I was like, fuck.

A (13:15)

God.

B (13:15)

Jesus. I'd rather they just fixed that and didn't even fix the recall. God damn it. So now for the rest of eternity, my car is just gonna be like, there's a recall.

A (13:24)

Fix me.

B (13:24)

And I'm gonna be like, shut up. Just be a car. God damn.

A (13:28)

I'm surprised that you got a notification in the car, because I got. I get mine through a letter that I've had two recalls on my truck so far. The first one is like, there's a minor thing in the roof thing that could leak sometimes. And I'm like, oh, they just need to change the rubber gasket. This next one I got a letter was like, sometimes if you put it into park, it will not be in park. And I'm like, that's. That seems, like, bad. And it's like, solution. We don't have one yet. We're working on it. And I'm like, interesting, interesting. No hills for me.

B (13:59)

Only park on flat ground. And be careful what you aim it at.

A (14:03)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

B (14:05)

It's kind of fancy that I got on my own dashboard. My car was like, I have a recall. But also, why would you do that to me? But I'm sure it'll go away on its own, right? That sort of thing clears itself up. Eventually it'll realize it got fixed. And then I'll be like, oh, I don't have to do that anymore. And then we'll be fine. Plus, I'm going to the Golden Globes. Not as cool as the Oscars, but pretty fun.

A (14:28)

Hey, some people say it's as cool.

C (14:29)

Are you actually going to the Golden Globes?

B (14:31)

Yeah. Obviously you didn't get your invite.

C (14:33)

Maybe my mailing address just hasn't been updated.

B (14:35)

I'm one of the three hosts of hit podcast Distractible. Why wouldn't I go to the Golden Globes, which I think already happened this season. I don't remember.

C (14:43)

Right. Okay, so that is a lie point. I just wanted to make sure.

A (14:46)

No, I'm not.

B (14:46)

Whoa, hey, whoa. I'm not lying. I'm going to the Golden Globes.

A (14:49)

Yeah, he's going to, he's going to buy a pass.

B (14:51)

I'm going to buy a three day pass. I'm going to get a meet and greet. We'll start scheduling stuff.

C (14:56)

I love the gaming panels. The Golden Globes. I can't wait.

B (14:59)

They're doing a special reading of a secret episode of welcome to Night Vale.

C (15:03)

I don't know what the different awards are even for.

A (15:05)

Golden Globes and Oscars are two different movie awards. But there are also other award ceremonies.

C (15:12)

The few, the proud, the Marines. That's not what they think about some other awards.

A (15:17)

If I had to guess, I think the Oscars, the Academy Awards are more prestigious.

B (15:21)

I think it has to do with the voting. The Academy Awards, the Academy votes on them. I don't know who votes on the Golden Globes, but it's not the, it's not the film Academy of whatever the fuck the Academy is or whatever. But like also. Doesn't the Golden Globes also do tv? I believe it does movies, but also television awards.

A (15:38)

I think maybe I'm not, I should know this and this is me talking about. This is going to get me excluded from any possible thing ever.

C (15:46)

But you could still win a country music Award.

B (15:48)

Top hit on Reddit is the main difference between the Golden Globes and the Oscars is that historically the Golden Globes are rigged while the Oscars are not. I don't know what that means, but that's, that's probably information that is totally Internet true.

C (16:03)

I hope blueprints wins Game of the Year.

B (16:06)

Game of the Year.

A (16:07)

Game of the Year.

C (16:08)

Me been still into Pokemon fan games. Been wanting sleep. I don't know if I had really good steak. There's a steakhouse in San Texas State, Brazil. We've all been there. Went back.

A (16:18)

Oh, good.

C (16:19)

Getting very busy though. It's becoming like Soto where like you have to have a reservation a couple weeks out because it's very busy. Very busy. They got the meat and escalators outside still broken. I don't think it's their fault.

B (16:30)

Is it actually broken?

C (16:31)

It was when we were there. The one going up was shut down. I think I'm three out of three for going and getting to use the escalator up as a staircase. But then at the top they had it blocked off. It wasn't blocked off at the bottom, so you could use it as a staircase, but you get to the top, you have to like step over or move the sign that keeps you from going in and was like, that's concerning. Why not block off on both sides? No, but, you know, meat good, still alive.

B (16:53)

You survived.

A (16:53)

That's.

B (16:54)

Good job, buddy.

C (16:55)

Unless you guys have any more small talk.

A (16:57)

I mean, I've always got more.

C (16:59)

Bob, I gave you a lot of small talk points. Mark, you had a lot of cool small talk. I give Bob a lot of small talk points.

A (17:04)

Hey, wait, I got more.

B (17:05)

Mine was way more relatable, you know, just.

A (17:08)

I got more, I got more. I got called for jury duty.

C (17:11)

Ooh, are you going?

A (17:13)

I don't know. It's the way it works in. Because I got for jury duty back in Ohio and it was like, you show up for that court case, but in la, it's you are on call to be a juror for one week, right? And so if you are called in, you report and then do the whole juror selection process. And I'm concerned because when I did my first jury duty, I was picked as like number two juror and I was like 19 years old. So something about me seemed presentable and professional. So I gotta show up disheveled, dirty, just absolutely uncaring.

C (17:49)

But where are you? Where your Oscar's blood outfit?

B (17:52)

No, I can tell you if you wear your director hat and some sunglasses when they, and when they ask you to introduce, you'd be like, oh, I'm Markiplier. You may have heard about my mo. They'll immediately be like, yeah, we're using one of our vetoes.

C (18:06)

Get a T shirt that says Jesus was a mushroom.

B (18:09)

Or just do the Brian Regan bitch.

C (18:11)

I don't know that one.

B (18:12)

I stole six cars. I killed three people. Oh, victim. Victim.

C (18:16)

No, I don't know that one, but it sounds funny.

A (18:18)

Am I allowed to talk about the court cases after it's been done?

B (18:21)

Probably not supposed to. The real thing is, if you do get picked for something, it's going to be really fucking boring. Like, not that people want to be on a murder case because, like, then you're dealing. You have to see things and learn about things that are potentially, you know, terrible. But there's a much better chance that you're going to be on a thing where it's like, no, this guy defrauded California out of taxes, money, and we're going to prove it. I was like, great, I love reading documents. Explain it to me. Hooray.

A (18:47)

That was the boring thing about the last one. I won't get into too many details, but it was basically that it was being like, they're squabbling over this guy didn't pay this much about this. And it's just like, you don't want

C (18:57)

to end up on, like, a high profile case because you end up sequestered. It's like you're supposed to be away from everyone for a long time, and that would suck.

A (19:02)

I make YouTube videos.

C (19:03)

They won't let me make you.

B (19:04)

Yeah, that sounds like content to me, baby.

A (19:07)

All right.

C (19:08)

Hey, just me and our jurors. Room 29 at the Old Yeehaw Hotel.

B (19:13)

It's your boy Marky Mark Epier coming at you live from the jury. Jury deliberations.

C (19:18)

We have a verdict that you get it first if you're a paid subscriber.

B (19:22)

Let's check out jury number eight. Last time you said she was the hot one. That's the kind of stuff you make, right?

A (19:28)

Yep, that's. You know my content so well, man. You're such a dog, Mark. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

B (19:34)

That's it.

C (19:34)

You guys are funny, you know that?

A (19:36)

Did I get any points for it?

C (19:37)

Oh, yeah, man.

B (19:38)

How many points did I earn for all my jokes I told?

C (19:41)

Oh, I don't know. I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna start writing some points.

A (19:44)

All right, good. Good, man. Good. Thank you.

C (19:46)

You know, what a fun trial to say I wasn't on a jury. So in Ohio, whenever I got called for jury, dude, I don't know if it was for federal or for local, but it was a thing where I had to call once a week for a month. So like, four times I had to call to see if I still had to be on the jury. And then, like, one of the times they were eventually like, you will not be on this jury. You don't have to call anymore. I was like, okay, cool. And that was the only time I've ever gone through the process, but it was like a weekly call in. But whenever I was working at the courthouse, I went and I got to sit down on some of the Warshak. I think it was Stephen Warshak. Basically, it was the smiling Bob. The this is Bob, like, penis pill trial. Oh, that was a fun one to sit in on you. Some of the hi, this is Bob commercials.

B (20:21)

I remember that. Yeah, like the Cialis commercials with Bob or whatever.

C (20:25)

I think that was the guy.

A (20:26)

What commercial? Hi, this is Bob. Penis pill.

C (20:30)

Yeah, it was always, like, him, like, waving and smiling and Then like his wife with sunglasses, like looking whenever his trunks would fall off. Oh, oh, I think that was the group. I might be misremembering the company associate. I think it was Warshak that was the owner.

A (20:45)

The article here is the rise and fall of the Cincinnati Boner King. This would have been great for yesterday.

C (20:49)

Last episode I was working at the courthouse whenever that one came in. So a lot of the details of the case were actually really sad in the pressing because people got scammed out of money and stuff. But like the overall theme of the boner pill stuff. Funny. It was a big mixture of funny and sad. The topic of which was interesting if I remember right. One of the details was like, I think it was an open trial. Like people could come in, media was in there. But like they got accused of and I think found guilty of basically like having a subscription thing where it's like, oh, so sign up for a free thing, but you have to give your credit card and like you couldn't cancel or something or it was really hard to cancel. Those commercials were great. Unfortunately, sometimes people running companies aren't good. Shock, Shock.

B (21:29)

This episode is brought to you by T Mobile 5G Home Internet. You already know that T Mobile 5G Home Internet is ridiculously easy to set up with a price that doesn't feel like you're getting scammed every month. But here's something new worth noting. T Mobile now is the fastest 5G home Internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

A (21:48)

No, seriously, their 5G home Internet speeds are officially the fastest. Which means that when you're downloading all your movies that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know.

C (22:06)

And yeah, it is still a great value backed by a five year price guarantee so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home Internet with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com homeinternet to check availability today. Price guaranteed exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Fastest based on Ooklaspeed test intelligence data. Second Half 2025 all rights reserved. So we have a game today. It's going to be a combination of a couple different games that we've played. I don't think anything that anyone said was a segue, so I can't give any segue points. We've done Episodes of How to. How to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, how to boil an egg, how to do it. We've done that stuff before. We've also done a game where you two will talk to each other and have to start off a sentence with the following letter, like, hi, how are you? I am good. How are you? Kangaroos, man. They're everywhere. You know, H, I, J, K, whatever. I might have skipped a letter in there. We're going to do some how tos where you two work together to tell me how to do something while playing the Alphabet game.

B (23:02)

Oh, I'm ready for that.

C (23:04)

Easy, low effort, and I'll even. I'll leave this up to you guys. Do you guys want to just pick the letter you start on, and then the next time the next person will get to pick the letter? Do you guys want me to do the random thing again?

B (23:14)

Random.

A (23:16)

And so we're working together to sell this, right?

C (23:18)

Yep.

B (23:19)

I'm just gonna pull up a picture of the Alphabet in front of me so I can't fuck that one up.

A (23:23)

I'm gonna go in blind. I don't need any crutches.

C (23:26)

All right, I've got. I've got a wheel. We love our wheels. I've got a wheel with letters A to Z in front of me. So I'll be spinning that to see where we start to see who goes first. Mark, you're first in the line here, so you'll be heads, Bob, you'll be tails. Tail goes first, Bob, you get to go first. All right, so your topic will be how to train for a 5k when you hate running. Your starting letter is N. N is in Nancy.

B (23:53)

Does this have to be like. Everything we say is like one sentence. Like, it's a list of instructions kind of deal.

C (24:00)

One sentence I think is good. Yeah.

B (24:02)

Nobody likes running, but you're gonna try.

A (24:06)

Orgasmic pleasure awaits you with the runner's

B (24:09)

high pleasures you can only imagine. Until you know how to achieve such a mystical, mythical high, retrograde ejaculation is

A (24:19)

achievable when you run.

B (24:22)

Did we just skip a letter already?

C (24:24)

Yes,

B (24:27)

I got my. You thought I was lying, but I am. Sitting here staring dead ass at my picture of the Alphabet. No one is getting any shit past me.

A (24:38)

You're right, man. I really need that. I'm not gonna do it, though.

B (24:41)

No, no, come on, man. We can do this.

A (24:44)

We can do this. Should I back up and try again?

C (24:46)

Sure. You're on cue. I'll help you.

A (24:49)

Quick act now and you'll Be running marathons with pleasure soon.

B (24:56)

Running is easier than it seems. All you have to do is run

A (25:00)

so, so, so easy.

B (25:02)

That's what this tutorial is about. How easy running is. And that you should go run right now.

A (25:07)

Understand? The only thing standing between you and orgasmic pleasure is your laziness.

B (25:14)

Very lazy boy. Very naughty boy. No orgasmic pleasure for you.

A (25:20)

When will you learn that pleasures beyond your comprehension are right around the corner?

B (25:26)

Xerxes could run for thousands of miles. And he may have been a God. But we'll get you running a 5k in no time.

A (25:33)

You'll never compare to Xerxes. Let's be honest. But you could get close.

B (25:36)

Zebras. Maybe they run a lot, but I bet you could keep up.

A (25:40)

All you need to do is buy our special shoes to get you started.

B (25:45)

But you can only buy our special shoes after you've paid our subscription price. Which is 33.33amonth for first time subscribers.

A (25:54)

Compounding interest applies. You're going to pay a rate of $38.99 APY.

B (25:59)

Don't worry about that. Give me your credit card info. We'll get you signed up right away. Get the shoes shipped right out. You'll be fine.

A (26:06)

Everyone who's bought our has been very happy about it. Especially with the orgasmic pleasure. Don't forget about that.

B (26:12)

Funny how I forgot to mention also you need our special running shirt so that your nipples don't get chafed and fall off.

A (26:19)

Gyno is no laughing matter. Which is why our compression shirts will get rid of those man boobs.

B (26:24)

Hernias neither. Compression shirt and compression shorts and compression girdle hernias be damned.

A (26:30)

I'm wearing it right now. Look. Do you see any hernias? Do you see? No hernias.

B (26:35)

Just so you know, we can't make any medical claims about the benefits of our compression clothes. I am just telling you that colloquially you're very unlikely to get the hernias.

A (26:44)

Knowing is half the battle.

B (26:46)

Loser. Loser. Is that what you want to hear? No. So you better start running, you loser.

C (26:54)

Move, move, move.

A (26:55)

You gotta get to the phone first so you can call our number, order our shirts, then our shorts, then our shoes and you'll be on your way to fantastic 5Ks.

B (27:06)

Do we start on N or O?

C (27:07)

N O.

B (27:09)

And that's it. This is our simple 26 step plan to get you running 5Ks.

C (27:15)

That was very funny. I gotta give the point to Bob though because he didn't miss any letters there. You know, that's.

A (27:20)

You know what Yes, I think you might have been cheating, but, you know. Oh, can I declare unfair that he can't have that?

C (27:26)

Oh, you just said it, so I can't stop you.

B (27:29)

Well, you did say it.

A (27:32)

I think it's unfair that he has that.

C (27:35)

I'm not gonna lie. I did give you a point, Mark, for not using letter help. But we can still declare it.

A (27:40)

All right, here we go. Let's see.

B (27:42)

All heads, Mark wins. All tails, I win. Well, we can decide after the fact.

A (27:46)

All tails. We have to go backwards through the Alphabet, and I still can't look.

B (27:50)

Oh, fuck.

A (27:51)

Fair enough.

C (27:52)

I'm down.

B (27:53)

No, I like that. Good suggestion, Mark.

C (27:55)

Oh, I'm hoping for all tails.

A (27:57)

All right, here we go. I'm hoping.

B (28:01)

Oh, it fucking hit the floor.

C (28:02)

Hang on, I got one.

A (28:04)

That's head.

B (28:06)

I don't know where my coin went.

C (28:08)

I don't think it matters.

A (28:09)

Some data scientist wants to know what he had.

C (28:11)

That's true.

A (28:14)

Hey, where'd it go? What?

B (28:15)

The coin.

C (28:16)

Hey, Bob, it's right behind your ear.

B (28:19)

What the fuck? Okay, it's gone.

A (28:22)

I guess I'm holding a very cool pose with this.

B (28:24)

I actually just don't see it.

A (28:26)

All right, it doesn't matter. That would be a nail biter if both of us got the same.

B (28:29)

Oh, it's the lion. Which is tails.

A (28:32)

There I end up. Okay, all right, I tried.

C (28:36)

The coin has spoken. Everything stays as is.

B (28:38)

Do you want me to stop using it, Mark? Do you want me to stop cheating?

A (28:41)

No, no, no. The coin spoken. The coin spoken. I thought I could get an advantage, but you know.

B (28:46)

I know, but I want it to be fun.

C (28:47)

I'm gonna make a note of do Alphabet backwards, though. That's a great idea. Oh, no, the next one. Mark, you will start us off how to escape a zoom call without anyone noticing. I see your letter is P. Pretty

A (29:04)

much everybody has been in this situation. You're in a zoom call. Boring. You're to tears. You've got shows you got to watch, you got places you want to go. How do you get out of this?

B (29:12)

Quick. Find a dummy online that looks as much like you as humanly possible and dress it in your clothes.

A (29:19)

Remember, when you're looking this up, you need to keep your eyeline on the camera so they think you're paying attention.

B (29:24)

Some people forget about the camera, but you could do almost anything. If you maintain eyeline with the camera, it will look like you're engaged and a great, great employee.

A (29:34)

Take a screenshot of your webcam. Grow it up big and make sure you have a printer nearby that you can print out a full copy of it.

B (29:41)

Understand that you might have to give up the clothes you put on your dummy forever, but it will mean you'll be able to get out all these zoom calls you don't want to be trapped in.

A (29:50)

Va va voom. Oh, no, I forgot about the noise the printer would make. You gotta be shush, shush about it

B (29:56)

when they don't hear the noise the printer is making because you were shush, shush, shush about it. You'll be scot free. Then whatever you printed will help you to get out of the thing you were doing.

A (30:08)

Xanthan gum. You have a whole drawer full of it. Obviously anyone would start popping that and. Too loud. Too loud. Too proud.

B (30:17)

Yum yum. Xanthum gum.

A (30:20)

Mmm.

B (30:20)

Down to my belly. No, don't swallow it. That's dangerous.

A (30:24)

Zeus himself would judge you if you swallowed that, so don't.

B (30:29)

Anyway, dummy, that looks like you. Printer noises. Xanthan gum. I think you can see where we're going with this, but let's move on to the next step.

A (30:37)

Butts. Butts are the most distracting of the human body part, so don't get it in frame at all or they'll pay attention to you.

B (30:45)

Common mistake to get your butt in the frame. So listen to that last one. That's an important one. Another common mistake is to get your. Your front parts in front of your penis into the frame.

A (30:59)

Dicks. Dick. We call them dicks.

B (31:01)

Thank you.

A (31:02)

Dicks are all. The second most noticeable thing. Boobs are probably third. Weirdly enough, the little dimple on your back above your butt, fourth, fifth is your.

C (31:14)

Your.

A (31:14)

Your collarbone. So keep those puppies down.

B (31:18)

Everything off screen except for your visage. Really just the face. And don't look cute while you're doing it. Everything boring. Everything ugly.

A (31:27)

Face. I don't know why he's using fancy words like visage or something, but get real close so that you can print it out. Chewing your gum. Keeping your butt out. And make sure you're covering the printer noise once it's out. Here's what you're gonna need next.

B (31:40)

Great googly mooglies. It's time to get your favorite children's book. No one will begrudge you reading a good book during a meeting to help stimulate your neurons and stay heightened and focused.

A (31:53)

Hip, hip, hooray. Once they've gone into a deep slumber from the book that you have been reading them, you can then take a piece of tape, take your printout slowly and carefully scratch that. Quickly and fastly put it up over your camera.

B (32:12)

If that works, which it will, you're basically done. There's only one more very important step.

A (32:21)

Just open your ears and listen. This is the most crucial part of the entire process. And here it comes.

B (32:30)

Knuckle down. Toughen up, buttercup. It's gonna happen. You're gonna do it. It's gonna be great.

A (32:38)

Listen, listen, listen. Ears, ears, ears. This is all what it's been building towards this moment right here.

B (32:46)

Munch your xanthum gum. Never stop with the xanthum gum. Choo, choo, choo, choo, choo. Don't swallow.

A (32:53)

Nobody likes the swallower. Never swallow. No, no, no.

B (32:58)

But pay attention. Only one step left and it's this fucking run.

A (33:05)

Get out of there. Go. You're free.

B (33:08)

It's time. You've done everything we've asked of you. Go fly, you fools.

C (33:15)

I think that's all, that is.

A (33:16)

All of them. Yeah, yeah.

C (33:18)

Great. Googly, boogly and vava voom.

A (33:21)

Man, you know how I always am whenever I'm in crisis. Va va voom.

B (33:26)

I think dropping the coin really threw me off my game.

C (33:29)

Oh, no, it was so funny.

A (33:31)

A game, A game. Here.

C (33:33)

How to fake knowing what you're doing at a wine tasting. Or how to fake being a wine connoisseur.

B (33:39)

Your starting letter is C. Connoisseurs are a simple bunch. Pretentious. Excited to agree with anyone who seems pretentious. They'll go along. You just mainly need to be confident.

A (33:51)

Dumbasses, all of them. They think that one wine is better than the other. Everyone knows it's all grapes all the way down.

B (33:58)

There's literally no difference, especially the red ones. Red wine all taste the same. It tastes like if grape juice got spilled in some dirt. And all you're doing, doing when you're pretending it's finding fancy ways to describe exactly that flavor.

A (34:14)

Foot fungus. That's basically what wine is. They mash them with their tootsies. They get all their athletes foot in there. You're drinking liquefied fungus from feet.

B (34:22)

Greasy foods help. Whatever you're drinking, make sure that you're eating the greasiest thing you can to go with it. The grease really opens up the palate is what they would say.

A (34:33)

Hi ho, hi ho. It's off to the tasting you go. You are prepared. But don't you worry, we're gonna be there the whole damn time for you. We're gonna be there for you.

B (34:45)

Oh, I didn't know we were doing songs Hang on. I wanna drink from the champagne bottle. The champagne bottle. I don't want to do that.

C (35:00)

Did we skip? Where are we at? What letter is that? No, no.

A (35:03)

Ghi.

B (35:04)

What? We didn't skip. Shit. Ghi. What do you.

C (35:08)

Okay, that's my bad. You're perfectly fine.

B (35:10)

Why did you think I screamed at the top of my range?

C (35:14)

I don't know, man. I just. I lost my. That's my bad. I'll deduct a point from me.

A (35:18)

Just pay attention to us, your guides. That third guy, we don't know him. He's. He just kind of follows along.

B (35:25)

Knowledge is the enemy of success in this endeavor. What you really want to do is pick a loser and make sure everyone gangs up on him. In our case, it's.

A (35:33)

Wait. Lubrication is the spice of life. You need social lubricant with alcohol. You need personal lubricant with. You know. And you need mental lubricants so you can get those neurons firing.

B (35:47)

Masturbation. I don't know why he wouldn't. He said, you know, like, it's masturbation. That's what you need personal lubricant for. So don't. Don't mix that up.

A (35:55)

Not everyone is crude. Some people like to be a little more subdued with their dialogue, you know?

C (35:59)

Know.

B (36:00)

Oh, now I'm crude on fun. Fun when we're not giving instructions, but.

A (36:06)

Oh, now.

B (36:06)

Oh, Bob, So crude.

A (36:08)

Wow. Hold on.

C (36:11)

What? We're holding. We're holding.

B (36:13)

Oh, crude. I'll fail. I'll say. I can stretch it.

A (36:19)

Wait, I thought I knew. Okay, hold on, hold on. This is going to be so worth it. Plant to. Bacillus plantarum lacti. Let's just get to the main brunt of it. That's the bacteria. That or that's the fermentation bacteria that makes wine really taste, you know, whatever.

B (36:38)

Sure. That was just my response. That wasn't the next one. No, I was just allowing him to demonstrate his. Calm down. If you really want to. Nope, wait. Car du Charlotte. That'll wow them. If you want to wow your. Your fellow wine connoisseurs, just drop that. The Cardechon. Famous Cote de Lyon district of France. Famous vineyard. And everyone will be like, wow, how's that spelled? Q, U, A, R, T, S. Deschaume. Orchard.

A (37:18)

Orchard. You grow grapes in. Or churn.

B (37:25)

Wait, what letter are we on?

A (37:28)

And. Oh, fuck, wait.

B (37:31)

Roar.

A (37:32)

Cherd. The original pronunciation of orchard is roar Cherd. Swine.

B (37:42)

There's a reason swine and wine are almost the exact same word. They go together. Drink your wine and eat your swine. But don't drink your swine and eat your wine. That's what I say.

A (37:53)

Torture. Torture. Sometimes these wine tasting events feel like torture. You gotta tough through.

C (38:04)

Oh, man.

B (38:05)

Where did we start?

A (38:07)

Oh, my God. See?

B (38:09)

Okay.

A (38:10)

Got a long way to go, man.

B (38:12)

Unorthodox. That's the kind of wine you want to focus on. Focus on. Everybody knows about the common stuff, but you want the unorthodox wines.

A (38:26)

Vineyard, another word for orchard.

B (38:31)

Worcestershire sauce is another flavor you could describe a red wine having Worcestershire sauce. Excellent.

A (38:47)

Oh, this is the spot. X marks the spot.

B (38:51)

You're there.

A (38:52)

You've made it to the location. Our cryptic clues have gotten you to the tasting, so you're there. Now it's time to not die.

B (39:01)

Your palette won't lie to you. Whatever your palette tastes, that's what your wine tastes like.

A (39:11)

Like zaza juice. Some people in history have called wine the zaza. Don't ask who. It's not an X, it's a Z. Just remember, when you're getting all fancy, they care about this shit. I don't personally, but when you get into the vineyard orchard, please ask for the zaza.

B (39:29)

Anyway, look, I feel like we've gone down a lot of rabbit holes here. The important thing is, be as douchey as you can. They love that shit. Wine connoisseurs are there for the douchiness.

A (39:42)

Boredom. Boredom. It's just the way it's gonna be. So get used to the boredom.

C (39:51)

All right? That's all the letters, man.

A (39:54)

I love when you end our bits with all right. Oh, man.

C (39:59)

Dude, I was laughing so hard during all of this.

B (40:02)

Oh, God.

C (40:03)

It started with orchard, and it just didn't stop. I'm not funny enough to follow that up. That was just so perfectly done, guys.

A (40:14)

Oh, thank you. Yes. My orchard rorcher.

C (40:17)

Perfect.

B (40:18)

Plus, now you know how to drink wine.

C (40:21)

Zaza. That's with a Z, not an X.

B (40:25)

I'm sorry, are you familiar with zaza, spelled with an X?

A (40:29)

It's, you know, zaza.

B (40:31)

Zaza.

A (40:31)

Za.

C (40:32)

Za.

A (40:34)

Actually, every letter could potentially be zaza. So

C (40:39)

who started that one? Bob, did you start that one? So it's Mark again.

B (40:42)

Yes.

C (40:43)

We'll do one more. It'll be 2 and 2. How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room.

B (40:50)

Wait, what was that not clear? Wait, say that. Wait, what?

C (40:54)

How to build a throne out of office supplies to become leader of the break room. Okay, this is a classic.

A (41:02)

How to classic. Yep.

C (41:04)

Your Starting letter is K. King.

A (41:09)

We know you to be truly the ruler of the break room. But the other peasants don't know it yet. How do you get your crown?

B (41:17)

Look down on them from your throne. That's how you get your crown. Becoming king is purely about stature and status.

A (41:27)

Monarchies were built with the blood and bone of those lesser than you. So let's identify first who is your lesser.

B (41:34)

Nonarchies were built by not building a throne out of whatever materials were available in the kingdom. So let's identify. Where is your kingdom?

A (41:45)

Openly declare your intentions to your fellow workers. Shout from the top of your lungs, I am the King. You are all my subjects. I will kill anyone that opposes me.

B (41:54)

Piously allow them to remain living in your kingdom to show that you do have mercy, even though you are a mighty king.

A (42:04)

Quack like a duck. It sounds random. It is not. This is very written in history at this point. You must quack like a duck. It's going to throw them off a little bit, but your dominance will be asserted.

B (42:16)

Run in circles while you cross. Quack Seems counterintuitive, might seem silly, but running in circles is a key part of the quacking. The quackening. It's often called.

A (42:26)

Suck anything nearby that gets within your circle of influence. It doesn't matter. It sounds strange. Again. This is how kings are made. It is not normal. But you are not normal.

B (42:36)

They might laugh at you, but people often laugh at things they can't even comprehend. You are their king and you know that is the truth. So you must stay strong.

A (42:46)

Undress immediately. Your mortal clothes are not fit for a king. You will be getting more clothes, but now they need to bask in the glory that is your body.

B (42:54)

Vigorously whip your penis back and forth to demonstrate your obvious superiority and take full advantage of your nudity.

A (43:09)

Women, or those who may not have a penis, whip whatever you can. Anything and everything will work. So long as something is whipping in one direction more vigorous, the better.

B (43:20)

Zillinus clothes await you in your royal zillinis. Meaning of or like cotton, await you in your royal throne. You will be clothed in glory along with kingliness.

A (43:37)

Zebras should be dancing through the building at this point. Do not be alarmed. As part of the process. They know where they're going and you know where you're going.

B (43:51)

I'll do it.

A (43:52)

Oh, fuck.

C (43:55)

So good.

A (43:56)

For so long.

C (43:57)

Oh, that's right. Sorry, I was. I was writing something down. I completely missed that.

B (44:04)

You don't need to know the exact order of the Alphabet. You're A king? God damn it.

A (44:10)

Sounds, man. Act like one.

B (44:13)

Anyway, we were going to decide what your kingdom was. It's the break room. The whole break room. That's your kingdom. Whatever's in the break room. That's why you have to build your throne out of. Getting back to the important points here.

A (44:23)

Break room's the best place for a throne room because that's where everyone goes to rest, and that's where everyone will go to pay homage to your kingly and or queenliness.

B (44:34)

Can't take a break without going to the break room. That's what my manager always said. They're forced to be your subjects. It's a beautiful system.

A (44:41)

Doors. Rip every door off of every other door in the office, bring it to the break room. There's nothing that says king or queen like big doors.

B (44:48)

Elevators are just break rooms that move around a little bit. So don't forget to take advantage of your elevated break rooms.

A (44:57)

Funnily enough, you'll need to take the elevator doors as well. Everyone will be able to still ride in elevators. It'll just have no doors. It'll be a little scary. But this is not for the faint of heart. You're about to be a king and or queen.

B (45:08)

Greatness does not come easy. It will be confusing. Some people will die, but you will be great

A (45:17)

death.

B (45:19)

Am I right?

A (45:20)

I am.

B (45:21)

Isn't it glorious just to imagine the future where everyone has to pay tutelage to you and collect taxes and start beheading people? Just king stuff, you know?

A (45:32)

Just gather some chairs, plop yourself on it. You're pretty much there.

C (45:37)

All right. Well done. I mean, that's funny. Funny.

B (45:41)

Ah, you did it.

A (45:42)

Thank you, guys.

C (45:43)

I did my points differently this time. I did two columns, and it's so much more legible.

A (45:48)

Whoa.

C (45:51)

It's so much more legible.

A (45:53)

That's crazy.

B (45:55)

Is it, though?

C (45:56)

Oh, I think so. Let's get. Let's get to the points and see. Let's start with me. I got minus one point for being an idiot. Mark, you got Oscars. Mickey. Coming. Jury duty. Funny point. No letter help. Because you didn't have the letters in front of you. Vava voom. Buts distracting. Nobody likes to swallow. Hi ho. Plante. Yada yada. Oh, the. You looked up a word. Planta. Whatever that word was, I could not keep up with it. Rarcher. Torture. X marks the spot. Quack and suck.

A (46:31)

Ha ha ha.

C (46:32)

You lost three points for skipping Q. O for orchard. You did orchard at first instead of orchard, so you skipped the R and Y there at the end.

A (46:41)

That's fair. That's fair. All fair.

C (46:42)

Bob, you got points for Morgan Freeman, remembering mole pelts, reverse Tony Stark, good poops, car recall, going to the Golden Globes, which is a lie point.

A (46:56)

Loser.

C (46:57)

Running great. Googly boogly fucking run. You stretched out time for Mark. When Mark was working on a letter at one point, you bought some time and that got you a point. I think you looked up a word again. I didn't get a good quartus something or another with a Q. Oh, sure, yeah, yeah. I don't know what it was, but I think you. You named something. Was it the. No, that's Zillanous. I've got Zillanous and non Archy here as well. But Q, it looks like it's. This is the one. I can't really read too well, but it looks like it says Q, U, U, A, R, D, I, S, a W, M. Quartism.

B (47:28)

That sounds like a word.

C (47:30)

No idea. But you got a point for it. I didn't count our totals here. So we got 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, minus 3. So 12 for Mark. How do we do live points? Do we just count them and then if something comes up on the wheel, it changes? I just count them as normal first? Is that the rule?

B (47:46)

I'm not gonna tell you. I think you should do them however you want.

C (47:48)

So right now the score is 14 points. Bob with a lie point, 12 points. Mark, negative one. Me.

B (47:55)

Pretty good. Pretty good.

C (47:56)

And then we got our. Our wheels.

A (47:58)

That's not the worst. It's not the worst.

B (48:01)

How many spins will there be? It's three again. Look at that.

C (48:08)

What to add, what to add.

B (48:10)

Hey, we're closing in 100 options here, guys. This is gonna be number 95 on the wheel.

C (48:14)

Deal.

A (48:14)

Oh, damn.

C (48:15)

Let's give a point for chivalry. Doing something to help out. Like if you do something to help out a teammate or your opponent or the host, if you're just helpful, you get a chivalry point.

B (48:25)

All right, three spins.

A (48:26)

Shall we? Oh. Oh, damn.

B (48:32)

Add 10 chance to the one man show.

A (48:34)

It is. Puts us at 28%, I think.

B (48:38)

Yep. Plus 10. We are at 28%.

C (48:41)

All because of 10% is being added twice.

B (48:43)

Yeah, we started at six and then we added 12% in one episode and 10% in this episode. I'm sure that won't come up for you, Wade. It'll be fine.

C (48:51)

Yeah, hopefully.

B (48:54)

Oh, hey, look.

A (48:57)

Okay, well, this one is obvious. I think Bob has To have this one because mine is black and it's basically close to white on the. The background there.

B (49:06)

There.

A (49:06)

He's got like, salmon pink to purple, I believe would be pretty close. I don't even think I have to measure that one, Bob.

C (49:12)

Do you argue?

B (49:13)

No, I do think that's pretty likely now. One more spin. I got a chance.

C (49:19)

Oh, well, that goes to Mark, I guess.

A (49:21)

I think I get that one. Yeah, I think I do.

C (49:24)

The final score is Bob, 15, mark 13 after the wheels. Mark, you get to lead us off with the loser speech. And you can use whatever letters of the Alphabet you want.

A (49:33)

You know, I'll put it this way. In life, sometimes the losers are really the winners. I'd like to take a textbook out of Sam Altman's book of business. Right OpenAI they're set to lose $200 billion, like in the next year. They've already written that off. And you know, some of those other companies, they only lose a couple billion, you know, like 10 or so. And people used to think, I think that was a lot. But sometimes there's new depths to losing that we have not yet reached. And I intend to lose harder than ever. And by doing so, we'll see who really is the winner. We'll see.

C (50:10)

Well said. I think Bob feels good to win.

B (50:14)

You know, I participated in today's episode with my words and my voice out loud, and for that, I earned it. It's not up to me whether I think it was funny or not. It's up to Wade. And he pointed and he said that was funny.

C (50:30)

So points don't lie. Points don't lie. True.

B (50:33)

True is true, and fair is fair. The coins don't lie, the points don't lie. And there we go.

C (50:39)

Well said. Well, thank you guys for participating and making it really, really funny. I did get some good laughs and I hope you all enjoyed watching. Congrats to Bob for winning. If you haven't already, go follow the boys. Mark at markiplier, Bob at my school, me at Minion 777 or Lordminion 777. We have merch sometimes at distractable shop, so keep an eye over there. The next one bauble host. We'll see what he comes up with. Until then, podcast out.

A (51:06)

Guam.

B (51:06)

And Mark. Yeah? Are we guamin?

A (51:08)

What happens when I do two? Do I go double guam?

C (51:10)

You disappear from where you are and you reappear in Guam.

A (51:13)

Take me to double Guam.

B (51:16)

Wow. Double Guam.

A (51:21)

Yeah. The editor just like, what the.

B (51:23)

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A (51:53)

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