I'm A Doctor!

Summary

Distractible Podcast: "I'm A Doctor!"

Episode Date: February 23, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (Markiplier), Wade Barnes (Wade Minion), Bob Muyskens (Bob)
Main Theme:
This episode sees the Distractible trio dive into the woes of modern life, pitching hilarious, absurd, and sometimes terrifying "patent-pending" inventions to solve Wade's everyday problems—from nail-biting to traffic jams—while lampooning capitalism, self-improvement, and their own collective incompetence. The conversation is peppered with wild improv bits, inside jokes, and lively debates over whose solutions are the most (un)workable.

---

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening Banter and Small Talk

(03:22 – 15:01)

• Host Rotation: Wade introduces himself as today's host because he "won whatever we did last time."
• Microphone Upgrades: Mark discusses his new microphone, featuring an oddly warm heat sink, leading to speculation about why a mic would need to be "hot."
  • "I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem." – Mark, 06:08
• Post-Disney Depression: Bob shares that his son James had such a good time at Disney (and Universal, riding the Yoshi ride) and swimming in their rental house's pool that regular life became a letdown.
  • "He’s just like, 'I hate everything. Where’s Disney?'" — Bob, 06:34
• Caffeine Mishap: Mark recounts being tricked by a McDonald’s drive-thru into drinking full-caf coffee when he was trying to go caffeine-free during an illness, resulting in a caffeine-fueled day.
  • "By the time we were on the way back to the car, I started going, man, things are really fast." — Mark, 09:59
• Checkbooks vs. Digital Payment: The guys riff on their preference for paper checks ("checkbook" pronounced in increasingly silly ways) vs. payment apps, and theorize about mail fraud and sending cash or checks through the mail.
  • "Isn't it where I feel that way more so about technology?…Transfer it along this digital highway." — Wade, 11:57
• Becoming Adults: The trio jokes that adulthood is "when someone has dirt on you," not when you pay taxes or grow up.

2. Main Game: Solving Wade’s Everyday Problems with Inventions

(16:09 – 43:28) Wade presents increasingly personal or existential problems to Mark and Bob, who take turns pitching inventions or "solutions," always with a wild, character-driven infomercial twist.

Problem 1: Nail Biting

(17:14)

• Bob’s Solution: Gun Gary
  • A man named Gary follows you everywhere with a gun, threatening escalation if you bite your nails. There are subscription upgrades (Stealth Gary, Friendly Gary), and it’s a job creator!
  • "All you need to know is there is a man named Gary and he has a gun and he is watching you to see if you bite your nails." — Bob, 17:56
• Mark's Solution: Tooth Spy
  • A fake tooth laced with cyanide, triggered only by keratin or carrots. The suspense of not knowing which tooth will kill you stops nail-biting by fear. "It's like Alligator Dentist, but with death."
    • "When you have this, you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth." — Mark, 20:17
• Result: Wade is torn, but relishes both the ridiculous carrot danger and Gary’s omnipresent threat; Bob gets the point for Gun Gary.

Problem 2: Baldness

(25:02)

• Mark’s Solution: Max B. Hair
  • “Discount” toupees made from leftover hair wax strips from Brazilian waxing studios. A rainbow of possible colors and "slightly pre-done hair."
    • "I'm Max B. Hair…gonna get you hair from another person's derriere!" — Mark, 25:27
• Bob’s Solution: Labaldomy
  • A lobotomy (frontal lobe icepick and sledgehammer) to “remove the part of your brain that makes you feel bad about being bald.” Delivered by “Dr. Shiny Nog.”
    • "With my new procedure, you can love the way you look. I call it a labalt." — Bob, 27:52
• Result: Despite Bob’s disavowal (comically doesn’t endorse his own procedure), Wade prefers Mark’s very real, very sticky Max B. Hair.

Problem 3: Shortness

(31:02)

• Bob’s Solution: Knee Knee E's
  • A second knee is surgically wedged into your knee joint, making you 2–4 inches taller (and septuple-jointed).
    • "You don't need a knee replacement. You need a knee engorgening!" — Bob, 32:34
• Mark’s Solution: Wordplay riff about inverting "tall" and "short" and declaring the problem doesn’t exist if you “say it backwards.” ("Latros" and “lattrolls”)
• Result: The practical (if horrifying) Knee Knee E's wins for at least being an attempt at a solution.

Problem 4: Traffic and Bad Drivers

(37:24)

• Mark's Solution: Caravolta
  • A giant, car-mounted catapult (spoon-shaped) to hurl problematic drivers or obstacles out of your way or, theoretically, to their intended destinations.
    • "It will allow you to throw everything and anything wherever you want it to go, so long as where you want it to go is in the direction you have pointed it at." — Mark, 39:15
• Bob’s Solution: Barely Legal LRAD
  • A Long Range Acoustic Device (“military sound cannon”) mounted on your car to physically force cars out of your way. “Barely legal”, highly effective, and unnamed side effects.
    • "Everyone will always be out of your way. They basically couldn't stand to not get out of your way." — Bob, 41:24
• Result: The catapult is deemed more fun, universal, and "very human." Mark wins the point.

3. Running Jokes and Memorable Bits

• Satanic Vocal Warm-Ups: The guys repeat "Hail Satan" as an in-joke warm-up.
  • "My favorite vocal warm-up. We get on the call and just go, 'Hail Satan!'" — Bob, 04:19
• Inventor Names: New invention pitches are always accompanied by elaborate inventor/doctor personas: Max B. Hair, Dr. Shiny Nog, Chuck M. Trudier, Bear Lee Lee Gull, and others.
• "Patent Pending": Mark’s frequent assertion that he has "over 10,000 patents pending," most for names, not products.
• Saul Knockoff - "The Reconciler": Wade goes on a wildly tangent about seeing a Christian knockoff of 'Saw' on YouTube (called "The Reconciler"), inspiring the line "Do you wanna pray a game?"
• Wheel of Fate Segment: The game closes out with their tradition of spinning an increasingly "off-center" virtual wheel for bonus points, with much debate over fairness, especially with Bob controlling the wheel program locally.
  • "If you look at the wheel, you see this black sliver...spins... the black wedge moves around the outside." — Bob, 46:46

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Once someone has dirt on you, you’re an adult." — Mark, 14:17
• "Have you ever wanted to be a spy? ... Well, now you can. And also you’ll stop biting your nails. Hi, I’m Markiplier, inventor of Tooth Spy." — Mark, 20:10
• "Hi, I’m Max B. Hair...where there’s hair, I’ll get you there!" — Mark, 25:27
• "I call it a labaldomy. It’s cheaper than it sounds. This product has not been tested. This product is not endorsed by Dr. Shiny Nog. Buy at your own risk." — Bob, 27:52
• "Not enough knees. I’m here to introduce you to my new product: Knee Knee E’s." — Bob, 32:34
• "Tall is a state of mind. Short is a state of body." — Mark, 33:29
• "I'm Chuck M. Trudier, the inventor of the Caravolta...and this product is also very human." — Mark, 38:18
• "Hi, I’m Bear Lee Lee Gull with a solution to all your traffic problem. It’s a legal solution…barely.” — Bob, 40:13

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Small Talk and Life Updates: 03:22 – 15:01
• Main Invention Game Starts: 16:09
• Stop Nail Biting (Gun Gary vs. Tooth Spy): 17:14
• Baldness (Max B. Hair vs. Labaldomy): 25:02
• Shortness (Knee Knee E's): 31:02
• Traffic Solutions (Caravolta vs. LRAD): 37:24
• Wheel of Fate Segment: 43:28 – 48:43
• Closing Remarks/Winner's Speech: 48:51 – 50:23

---

Flow, Tone, and Overall Vibe

The episode is a quintessential Distractible concoction of absurd premise, relentless improv, and deep-fried camaraderie. The mood is fast-paced, playful, and self-aware, constantly riffing on the trappings of self-improvement, get-rich-quick invention culture, and their own parasocial fandom. The hosts take every opportunity for character bits, callback jokes, playful roasts, and meta-commentary on the very format of their show.

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Final Scores & Wrap-Up

• Winner: Bob (15 points)
• Runner-up: Mark (14 points)
• Best Loser’s Speech: Mark leans into nihilistic comedy: "None of our actions have any weighing on the future. You can't change it."
• Host's Reflection: Wade closes on the Ship of Theseus thought experiment: is this topic really a repeat, or is everything now remixed, new, and improved?

---

For Fans and Newcomers:
Whether or not you caught every bit or inside joke, this episode encapsulates the Distractible spirit: three friends out-weirding, out-pitching, and out-cackling each other, all in the name of fun and almost no practical help at all.

Transcript

[Markiplier]

This episode is brought to you by T mobile 5G home Internet. Okay guys, show break and you know what that means.

[Wade Minion]

We talking t mobile 5G home Internet?

[Markiplier]

Yup.

[Wade Minion]

You know it.

[Markiplier]

Mostly for how easy it is to set up and the value that you get. But there's something new worth calling out. They now have the fastest 5G home Internet speeds.

[Bob]

Are you serious?

[Markiplier]

Yup. T Mobile now has the fastest 5G home Internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. Plus it's backed by a solid five year price guarantee. And setting it up is still as easy as it gets. Just plug it in and go.

[Bob]

If only everything else in life were that easy.

[Markiplier]

Yup. But t mobile 5G home Internet. The fastest 5G home Internet with simple setup and a great price with savings that stick.

[Wade Minion]

Say that again, but at the fastest 5G speed. Bet you can't Nope.

[Markiplier]

Get these fast 5G speeds for yourself. Check [e-mail] Home Internet Price Guarantee exclusives like taxes and fees apply fastest based on Oklahospeed test intelligence data second half 2025 all race reserved. Yup.

[Home Depot Announcer]

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[State Farm Announcer]

This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Listening to this podcast Smart Move Being financially savvy Smart Move Another smart move having State Farm help you create a competitive price when you choose to bundle home and auto bundling. Just another way to save with a personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.

[Markiplier]

This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T mobile 5G home Internet.

[Bob]

The folks over at T Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home Internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

[Wade Minion]

So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a 5 year price guarantee, visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check availability,

[Markiplier]

price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply fastest based on Ookla speed test intelligence data. Second half 2025. All rights reserved.

[Narrator]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode. Wastrel Wade aches for the antiquated, nibbles his digits and asks for assistance. Bifurcating Bob returns from the house of mouse, identifies crimes, administers assassination deterrence lobolamies, and he gorge Genu Mucosy Mark the mike master snars caffeine, offers dental dilution and Brazilian bald cures. From sarcastic Satanism to traffic trebuchets, it's time for I'm a doctor. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Markiplier]

Hello, everyone.

[Wade Minion]

Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's host, Wade, because I won whatever we did last time, apparently joined as always by my co hosts, Mark and Bob.

[Bob]

That's me. I'm one of those.

[Markiplier]

I'm the other one.

[Wade Minion]

You'll never figure out which is which.

[Bob]

We sound the same. Exactly the same.

[Markiplier]

Exactly the same.

[Wade Minion]

What a great bit.

[Markiplier]

Come on, man. What the hell? God damn.

[Wade Minion]

Sorry. That's not sarcastic. I meant it genuinely.

[Markiplier]

It's gonna be one of those episodes.

[Bob]

We haven't even. Your episode idea was stupid and then decided not to engage with it yet. Wait till we're mean first.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, man. Wait till you guys find out how weird today's episode is. It's weird seven Weird.

[Markiplier]

Well, let's skip weird six, I guess.

[Bob]

But six is a bad number.

[Markiplier]

Weird six. Yeah, yeah. I've always thought.

[Wade Minion]

Come on, guys.

[Bob]

Well, you're. You're a seven guy.

[Wade Minion]

I am.

[Bob]

Seven is your number.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah, but six is like Satan and stuff, you know? Hail Satan. What we say right here.

[Bob]

We say that all the time.

[Markiplier]

Two out of three of us love that.

[Bob]

It's my favorite vocal warm up. Well, get on the call and just go. Hell, Satan,

[Wade Minion]

Hell.

[Bob]

There it is.

[Markiplier]

Hell.

[Wade Minion]

Sick. All right, go. We got Mark in a voice clip saying it too.

[Markiplier]

I feel better.

[Bob]

All that was just a setup just to get Mark's clip.

[Wade Minion]

I really needed that one.

[Markiplier]

Sorry if I'm snotting. I just getting over a pretty bad sickness. So I apologize if I'm sniffling through the episode.

[Wade Minion]

You got a mossy lung. Never joined before. It's a show where one of us hosted points over as the most at the end wins and comes next episode. Per usual. We smart. We smart. Start. We smart with start talk.

[Bob]

Oh, editors, cut that out. Try again Buddy.

[Wade Minion]

Make my lips look right. We start with smart talk. No.

[Markiplier]

Yes.

[Bob]

Smart.

[Wade Minion]

Why smart talk?

[Markiplier]

I don't know if I'm up to smart talk today.

[Bob]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Markiplier]

Feeling pretty dumb, per usual.

[Wade Minion]

We start with small talk. Nailed it. First try. Anything new in your lives? Please talk so I don't have to.

[Markiplier]

I got plenty. I got plenty. New microphone. Every era of my channel is defined by my microphone, which is this. I think it's something something 8,000.

[Bob]

I miss PG 42, Mark. I gotta be honest.

[Markiplier]

Oh, you remember Even the name of the dude.

[Bob]

I still use the PG42 that you got me. It's fucking great. It's a great.

[Markiplier]

It was a great microphone. Way big step up. And then they discontinued it for some reason.

[Bob]

I can't imagine why. That's a fantastic microphone.

[Markiplier]

Anyway, this one is concerning because it. It sounds good. I think I like it. But it's got a heat sink in the back. You can't really tell because of my. My. So this is a heat sink.

[Bob]

A heat sink.

[Markiplier]

And I've never known my past microphones to have a heating problem. Like, they've never felt warm or anything. This feels hot.

[Bob]

Why is it hot? I don't know.

[Wade Minion]

Maybe it's meant for lewd content so it knows that things might get a

[Bob]

little spicy halfway through this episode.

[Markiplier]

Just like.

[Bob]

But it sounds great, guys. I feel like I gotta keep using it. I'm clearly not in the bowling alley house anymore. So that's good.

[Markiplier]

That's good.

[Bob]

James had a hell of a time in Disney. He very much enjoyed Disney, but that much traveling has been. Was hard on him. And is it funny that I feel kind of guilty because I feel like he had a really fun day in Disney. And we also did Universal and he rode the Yoshi ride. And he really liked that in the Super Mario and the rest of the trip. He had fun. There was a pool at the house that we stayed at. Very cool. He loves the pool. But now, like, we're home now, and he's just like, I hate everything. Where's Disney? And we're like, nice regular life again, buddy. Like, we're this. We're back at the house we live in. This is everyday life, remember? I feel kind of bad because I feel like we. We stayed in a house down in Orlando, and he was like, all right, this is life now. We go to Disney twice a week. I swim in the pool every other day of the week. All my grandparents are always around. We eat naughty food. We watch as much TV as we want. And we Swim in the pool and go to Disney. All right. And then we come back home and it's like, you guys fucking suck. Why would you show me that life? Sorry, man, I don't know. I thought you'd have fun. That's my bad, I guess.

[Wade Minion]

Is that why we're all so tired? Even as adults we come back from vacation, we're like, oh, why did you show me that life? Why are we back to this?

[Bob]

Not, Not Mark. Mark's better than us, but the rest of us.

[Markiplier]

I've known sadness.

[Wade Minion]

I've.

[Markiplier]

I've known despair.

[Bob]

You like hard work though.

[Markiplier]

Yeah, it's true, I do.

[Bob]

I'm not like making the masochist joke. You actually just really like. I mean the movie was a lot and it was a long time and I don't know, I don't know your overall feeling about it, but I could like. You could tell. You really fucking like just like being in the trenches and being like, I have to work 14 hour days for the next week. I have to do it.

[Markiplier]

I have not known what to do with myself. The past few weeks have been so strange. I've started watching an anime. That's how.

[Wade Minion]

Man, normal people don't do that.

[Markiplier]

That's weird. I know, right? I mean I just think about, I haven't watched an anime in many, many years. I mean I think the last one I even watched was probably.

[Wade Minion]

Are you scoping out the competition for your next project?

[Markiplier]

Working on my animation skills right now, man. I'm going to, I'm going to show that anime industry who's boss.

[Wade Minion]

The next Toriyama is Markiplier.

[Markiplier]

He is dead. So I could be him. Oh, I apologize. I apologize. Yeah, so. But also I was sick this weekend. So this is going to sound like the most middle aged, middle of the road, like 40 year old stand up comedian joke bit in the world. But here I go. I usually. I was sick over the weekend so I didn't have any caffeine or anything. I was just kind of on the couch, you know, just like draining in that I was like, oh, this is a great opportunity. You might notice like I've got like my caffeine free soda here.

[Bob]

I did because it's really hard to get in Ohio and I'm kind of

[Markiplier]

jealous but so I was like, oh, this will be the perfect day to start back. I've already gone through the headaches and whatnot because I didn't even notice it. I was sick. So I take chica out to the park in the morning. So I was Like, I'm gonna stop by McDonald'. I'll grab a decaf coffee and ah, it'll be, it'll be great. So I order decaf. Says decaf on the menu. I think you know where this is going. I normally never finish my coffees. I usually just take like a third of it and that's all I'll drink. Especially if it's like a giant one from a drive through or something. I'm out walking, chica. Like, ah, you know, this is a decaf. I'll drink the whole damn thing. So we're walking, I'm like, oh, glug. Oh, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

[Wade Minion]

Yay.

[Markiplier]

Oh, what a fun day. By the time we were on the way back to the car, I started going, man, things are really fast. First time I've ever noticed. The caffeine started to hit and I was like, but that's impossible. And I just looked down my coffee. It's like the tab's not punched for decaf. And I look over at the label on the side, I'm like, oh, no. Anyway, that's the end of my bit. I had way too much caffeine this morning. And I feel funny and all my, my desire to change my life and be no caffeine is ruined forever.

[Bob]

It's all ruined.

[Markiplier]

Now I got to go chug a Red Bull.

[Bob]

I know it is.

[Markiplier]

I have to. Might as well in for a penny, in for the other penny.

[Bob]

Yeah, what does that saying mean? I guess it's English, but a penny isn't English. A penny is American, but a pound isn't English.

[Markiplier]

You know, like no penny still in English, is it?

[Bob]

I thought they had pence. Are those called pennies?

[Markiplier]

It sounds like it could be another term for pennies. Penny. And if it was a pen, sit a penny. And I, I'm maybe, I don't know.

[Bob]

I guess in for a penny, in for a dollar sounds kind of stupid. So I'm not opposed to it.

[Markiplier]

And they phased out the penny anyway.

[Bob]

And for a nickel, in for a

[Wade Minion]

dollar and for a checkbook. Those are hip now, right? Checkbooks.

[Bob]

Why are you saying it like that?

[Wade Minion]

Checkbooks. Checkbooks.

[Bob]

You're like adding some syllables in there.

[Wade Minion]

Multiple checkbooks, check a book.

[Markiplier]

I don't know.

[Wade Minion]

I don't know. It's just fun to say checkbook like that. I don't know.

[Bob]

Anyway, I wouldn't surprise me if those were popular again. Just because everyone's like, I want to Analog media records and Checkbooks.

[Wade Minion]

I know that I'm older because I prefer checks to all of the other, like, money apps you can have. Everyone's like, oh, just send it via, like, whatever. I'm like, can I just mail you a check?

[Bob]

Doesn't that sketch you out? Every time I've ever put a check of any sort in the mail, I'm like, well, I'm either giving someone this money or it's going to get where I hope it does. I guess we'll find out when the check cashes or whatever.

[Wade Minion]

Like, isn't it where I feel that way more so about technology? It's like, yep, here's all my banking info. Transfer it along this digital highway.

[Bob]

I am sketched out because it's like, you need the exact username or you need their correct phone number or something. But as long as you're like, all right, I've checked five times. This is your phone number. I know the money went to you because it went to the only phone number in the world that is yours. That is this one. Even if I give a check directly to a person, if that's not the person, who's the money supposed to go to? If it's like this, they work for the company or something. What if they take it? It's just a check. I don't even have proof that I did that.

[Wade Minion]

What if someone hops on, like, their. Their digital Speedster and they're on the digital highway and they hijack the digital package I'm sending digitally?

[Bob]

I see what you're saying.

[Markiplier]

I mean, that all is stuff that happens.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah.

[Bob]

What if that scene from Fast and Furious where they hijack the semi truck full of $5,000 worth of VCR in their $30,000 worth of cars happens, but online, I see what you're saying.

[Wade Minion]

Yes. Like Inception and Fast and the Furious had a baby.

[Bob]

Yep, yep.

[Wade Minion]

In the Internet line. Sure, sure. I don't know. I understand. It's probably nonsensical, but I still am. Like, checks are so much safer than this online app. Who is Mr. Venmo, anyway?

[Markiplier]

For some reason, I think mailing money is a crime.

[Wade Minion]

I don't think a check is. I think mailing cash is.

[Markiplier]

Is cash. Is mailing cash a crime?

[Bob]

It's not a crime in itself, but it could be. Because when you're putting things through the mail system, mail fraud is always a possibility. Right. That is a crime. And if you're sending money through the mail, it could be fraud. Could be fraud.

[Markiplier]

Am I frauding if I put money

[Bob]

in the Mail if you don't mean it.

[Markiplier]

Oh, trip accidentally. Oh, envelope. No, no, my wallet.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, shit.

[Bob]

If it's just a joke. If you're like, I'll send you $500, but you have to send me a thousand back. But then I'll send you 500 back and then we'll be even.

[Markiplier]

I mean, is that a crime?

[Bob]

Yeah, it's probably a crime.

[Markiplier]

What about that company that sent a bunch of nickels out in the envelopes way back when?

[Bob]

That's just stupid.

[Markiplier]

All right.

[Wade Minion]

Whenever we used to do proof of purchase mails like for our cereal boxes. Is that kind of like mailing money?

[Markiplier]

Crime. Definitely a crime.

[Bob]

Yeah, crime. It's all just an elaborate system designed to make trick you into committing crime so that they've got dirt on you for later.

[Markiplier]

That's actually when you become an adult. When you finally have some. Someone has dirt on you. You actually. And then you're an adult.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah, you. What did you do?

[Markiplier]

You know, you.

[Wade Minion]

You become an adult. Okay, I forgot that moment in life where I was just like.

[Markiplier]

I thought it was lollipops.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, taxes.

[Markiplier]

Fuck yeah, you. You were.

[Wade Minion]

You were.

[Markiplier]

You're 6 foot 4 now and you were like 2 foot and then just someone got dirt on you, man.

[Wade Minion]

I don't think I have anything that interesting to talk about myself, so it's a good thing I'm the one hosting this. What happened? I don't know. Unless you guys have any objection, I'm going to dive into the episode.

[Markiplier]

No, I'm going to ration my small talk. I have a funny feeling I'm going to lose, so think I need it for next time.

[Wade Minion]

Interesting. Interesting.

[Bob]

Well, we'll see who loses. I'm not going to let you have that one for free.

[Wade Minion]

If the wheels have had anything to say about it lately, we have no idea what the hell is about to happen.

[Bob]

And we even have that today.

[Markiplier]

Oh, shit. That's right. Did you remember to write down.

[Wade Minion]

Let's not worry about this.

[Markiplier]

To add. Okay.

[Bob]

I was supposed to add a point in free parking today.

[Markiplier]

Yes, yes.

[Bob]

Otherwise, no, I didn't remember anything else.

[Wade Minion]

The one man show had some adjustments.

[Bob]

Oh, that's right. We added 10% and then there.

[Markiplier]

Oh, man, my notepad that had it is gone.

[Wade Minion]

It was a 10 and then just the normal 2, I think. Right. So 12%.

[Markiplier]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

So it was at 6. So it's gonna be at 18 now.

[Markiplier]

Damn, that's a jump.

[Wade Minion]

Well, for today's episode, I think this. This hearkens back to old distractible this feels like an episode we would have done a long time ago. We might have talked about something similar to this. I guess I'll leave it up to you guys. If you want to do. If you want to do it, work together or against each other. But we need inventions that don't exist yet to solve some more of our everyday problems. I got problems and I need you boys to fix them up.

[Markiplier]

Clearly.

[Wade Minion]

So do you guys want to work together or do you guys want to work against each other with better inventions?

[Markiplier]

This is a capitalist venture. Definitely competitive.

[Bob]

I concur.

[Markiplier]

Okay, good.

[Wade Minion]

Aren't you guys not allowed to agree in that thing?

[Markiplier]

I Kirkhan. I invented it.

[Bob]

I don't like that.

[Markiplier]

A new way to agree.

[Wade Minion]

I don't know if I like Kirkhan either.

[Bob]

Come on.

[Wade Minion]

That's like a Star Trek villain.

[Markiplier]

It's Kerr kun.

[Wade Minion]

I'm gonna quit saying that. I feel like.

[Bob]

Yeah. Huh. Say it harder and see if it sounds better.

[Wade Minion]

Nah, I'm good.

[Markiplier]

Stress the syllables more.

[Wade Minion]

Checkbook.

[Bob]

Why are you saying it like that?

[Wade Minion]

Problem I've had and I've been a lot better about it lately, but it's still something I battle with. Especially whenever I'm not paying attention. If I'm watching a movie or something, I'm completely zoned out. I will find myself nails in, mouth chomping. I'm a nail biter and I've always been a nail biter and I've never been able to stop biting my nails. So I guess we'll see who goes first here. Mark. Heads.

[Bob]

Bob.

[Wade Minion]

Tails. Because that's the order you're in on camera wise for me. Bob, you will go first.

[Bob]

Good. Fair.

[Wade Minion]

I need some invention to help me stop biting my nails and there's already like a nasty tasting polish out. And obviously gloves already exist but I'm not gonna wear gloves around the house. So we're gonna think outside the box a bit. But the nasty taste of nail polish did not stop me. I was just like, oh, this is awful. Chomp. Ugh. Gross. Chomp. So what will actually get me to stop?

[Bob]

I have a number of ideas, but I think I'm going to start with my strongest one. Also, I just want to say in the back of my mind there are definite alarm bells going off that I feel like we've done this before, but it may have been a completely different context.

[Wade Minion]

I think we've done an episode like this before. Yeah.

[Bob]

I know how to make you stop chewing your nails. I call it the gungary

[Wade Minion]

gun. Gary?

[Bob]

Intrigued? Call your peaked Your interest? Yeah, everybody wants to know, I don't

[Wade Minion]

know who Gary is, but I like and I don't know, I don't know his gun.

[Bob]

You don't know who Gary is and you don't need to know who Gary is. All you need to know is that there is a man named Gary and he has a gun and he is watching you to see if you bite your nails. And he's not authorized to kill you on the first try, but it escalates pretty quickly. Okay, that's it. That's the whole invention. Creates jobs. Very effective. One way or another, you're never gonna buy your nails again. Gone Gary. Patent pending.

[Wade Minion]

This feels a little Breaking Bad. I feel like there's gonna be like a laser pointer aimed at me at random points whenever my nails approach my mouth.

[Bob]

No, he's not secretive. He's just in the room with you for the rest of your life. Oh, there's an upgrade you can get. At one point, if you feel like your nail biting addiction is sort of cured, you could go to Stealth Gun Gary. And you'll never really know if he's there or not for sure because he'll keep his distance. But until you are ready for that upgrade, Gungary just follows you around.

[Wade Minion]

This is so capitalist of you to have upgrades and DLCs for Gungary.

[Bob]

And it is a monthly subscription. And if you want him to ever talk to you, there's a upgrade. That's their tier two subscription plan. And if you want him to ever talk to you and be nice or not lie to you when he does talk to you, that's the top tier subscription. Those are unrelated services. There's sort of an upgrade, but base basic Gun Gary service will cure you of what ails you. If what ails you is biting your nails.

[Wade Minion]

I imagine instead of like a pop up window, just occasionally, whenever like the exact time hits, he'll just like interrupt his own sentence or whatever you're doing, be like, your subscription is about to expire. Would you like to renew? I don't like that. I don't like the real life version of how that sounds, but sounds effective.

[Bob]

I think it would be very effective.

[Wade Minion]

Okay, Gun Gary with upgrades and subscriptions. Mark, can you Top Gun Gary?

[Markiplier]

Hey kids, Have you ever wanted to be a spy? To go out on missions, to get captured unexpectedly and have to take the ultimate sacrifice for your country? Well, now you can. And also you'll stop biting your nails. Hi, I'm Markiplier, inventor of Tooth Spy.

[Bob]

Huh?

[Markiplier]

Patent pending on the name

[Wade Minion]

Pending means

[Markiplier]

it's waiting judgment, right? Yes.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah, yeah, sure.

[Markiplier]

You know how when a spy is captured, they have a certain tooth in their mouth that is actually a secret cyanide capsule? Well, I've developed a certain fake tooth that only responds to the keratin on your fingernail. Or keratin in general. Or carrots, weirdly enough. Don't know why. Don't eat carrots. But when you have this, you will be so afraid of biting your nails because you don't know which tooth is the secret tooth. It's also like Alligator Dentist. You know? You know the game where you got to push the teeth down or else it counts down you, but instead of chomping down on you, it's a bunch of cyanide explodes and melt your fish? I think that's how cyanide works. That's how this cyanide works that we found.

[Bob]

That's how it works in James Bond. So I assume that's how it works.

[Markiplier]

Really melts faces.

[Wade Minion]

Why was it ever a FNAF adaptation to Alligator Dentist?

[Markiplier]

Yeah, they had an alligator Monty Golf. Monty. Monty. They had Monty.

[Wade Minion]

Well, I don't mean like an alligator in fnaf. I mean, why didn't they make the dentist game with a FNAF character?

[Markiplier]

Why they remake that one toy in

[Wade Minion]

fnaf, not even in the game, like an actual toy.

[Markiplier]

You know, you're. You're so right. That would fit.

[Wade Minion]

Anyway, sorry, I was just thinking, capitalistically,

[Bob]

you should probably pend a patent on that.

[Markiplier]

Yeah, pend your bats, man. Love. You know, I have over 10,000 patents pending, and a lot of them are

[Wade Minion]

just on whether or not you like the name. That's cool. Makes sense.

[Markiplier]

They keep telling me I misunderstand what a patent's for, but I keep telling them, like, I got more names. Come on, let me in there.

[Wade Minion]

So it was. It was carrots carotene. And what was the other thing you couldn't bite?

[Markiplier]

No, that was it.

[Wade Minion]

Keratin, carrots. Okay. There's nothing else that makes sense. Was why I can only think of those two. Want to make sure. I'm a little scared now. What if I have one of those?

[Markiplier]

Nope, just those.

[Wade Minion]

All right, man. I kind of give points already to both of you for both inventions. I don't know which way I want to go, cyanide tooth or gun. I mean, Gungary is a lot more just in my face, in my way, but also probably a lot more effective and terrifying.

[Bob]

I feel like Mark's invention is cool in a similar way. But what if you just absentmindedly forget? Like, you can't forget that gun.

[Markiplier]

Gary is there.

[Bob]

He's there. He keeps your line of sight, and he makes sure you know he's there. Yeah.

[Wade Minion]

You order a pot pie with no carrots and they give you carrots. It's like you're dead.

[Markiplier]

I mean, that. That could be if it hits the tooth. The thing is, it's only one tooth. Unless you pay for the buy. You get it during the buy one, get one special. But you'll. You'll chomp and you'll be like, oh, no. Was that it? And if you're isn't melted, you're still good. It's a lesson. You gotta let yourself fall so that you can catch yourself before you die. That's what my parents taught me.

[Wade Minion]

They're both terrifying. I feel like gungary is a guarantee, though. Like Bob's, it's hard to argue. He's there. You can't not see him. I will accidentally probably die with the I like carrots. So, random side tangent. Whenever I thought of the buy one, when Mark said, buy one, get one free, I thought of Saul.

[Markiplier]

Like, you want to play a game? Not only do you get to chance at death, you get two today because it's a buy one, get one free.

[Wade Minion]

I saw a post where someone had made, like, a parody of Saul where it was like, religious or something. Let me see if I can find the picture. It's called, like, the Reconciler.

[Markiplier]

The Reconciler.

[Bob]

I don't like that.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah, someone made a video. I don't know who Curtis Connor is, but he made a video watching a Saul knockoff called the Reconciler, where it's apparently a Christian knockoff of the movie Saul. I haven't watched the video, but whenever I saw it, the first thought I had and I got to share it with the world because it made me laugh for like 20 minutes, was, you want to play a game?

[Bob]

You don't know Curtis Connor?

[Wade Minion]

No, I don't know people, man.

[Bob]

He's pretty funny.

[Wade Minion]

It's stupid, but I was laughing. And every time Molly's like, are you done laughing? Do you want to pray a game? Then start laughing.

[Markiplier]

Wait, so is. Is what you saw a parody of this Christian remake of the Saw movie?

[Wade Minion]

So all I saw was the thumbnail. Like, his video is recommended on YouTube. It popped up and it said Saul and there's an arrow pointing to reconcile. This Christian knockoff of Saul is God awful. And I just had the thought, do you want to play a game? And that's. That's it. That's it. That's the end of the story. Didn't watch the video, didn't see the movie. Don't know who this guy is. Don't know anything. But man, that thought I had made me laugh for a long time because it's still really funny to me.

[Markiplier]

Not funny enough to help you. Me win. I see.

[Wade Minion]

Maybe did you make me think of it? Yeah. Wasn't it the buy one, Cohen? Oh, you know what? Yeah, you know, Bob. Okay, here we go. I got it figured out.

[Markiplier]

I understand. I got the. This is why I hedged my bets on the small talk.

[Bob]

Gonna burst into more small talk later in the episode.

[Wade Minion]

Just get some more small talk points. He said he was holding out.

[Markiplier]

Yeah, yeah, we'll see. We'll see how it goes.

[Wade Minion]

Mark, you're first on this one. I need you to help me, man. It turns out I'm bald.

[Bob]

What? No. Oh, man.

[Wade Minion]

And I need a way of feeling better about being bald. Whether it's fixing the baldness or whatever other solution you might have. Killing everyone on the planet with hair. Whatever you think of, I need killing

[Markiplier]

everyone on the planet, my friend. Not only we're gonna get you here, we're gonna save the planet. Hi, I'm Max Behair.

[Bob]

No, go on.

[Markiplier]

That's so good. Why do I kill him?

[Bob]

What a strong start.

[Markiplier]

Hi, I'm Max. Be here to give you some hair from another person's derriere. Let me tell you, there's no bigger problem in this world than the waste from all those Brazilian waxing studios. Rip and throw. Rip and throw. Chucking out all those single use wax strips left and right. But Max B. Hair is gonna get you there. Where is there? Where there's hair. I've got discount strips. Buy one, get 99 free. Wade, what color would you prefer? There's only one texture. What color would you prefer?

[Wade Minion]

I never even contemplated. Maybe a little of everything.

[Markiplier]

You can.

[Wade Minion]

You will get a little of everything.

[Markiplier]

That's right. In every hundred box of slightly pre done hair, you'll get a whole rainbow of hair from every type. So you can rest assured that every single occasion you'll have a brand new toupee to match. And yes, it will be sticky.

[Wade Minion]

Oh God, I hate. I want to see it written out where it's like you pronounce it slightly

[Markiplier]

hair.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, what a brilliant thought, man. You might. Oh, my eye. Oh, my eye. You might have cured me. Except for. Oh, fix my eye. We were fixing. My eye gets 100 points oh, you

[Markiplier]

need new contacts, man. This is the second time.

[Wade Minion]

These are dailies.

[Markiplier]

All right.

[Bob]

How many days have you worn them?

[Wade Minion]

Just today. I don't. I don't around with wearing contacts more than once.

[Bob]

Yeah, all right.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, I'm dying, Bob. Help me with my hair though. Forget my eyes. I don't need to see. I just need to look beautiful.

[Bob]

All right. Is it my turn?

[Wade Minion]

I think so. Is Max B. Hair done?

[Markiplier]

Yeah, I'm done. Max be done.

[Bob]

I am Dr. Shiny Nog, and I'm here to tell you that you can like the way you look. You may have heard of me. Wherever there's knees, wherever there's nogs, I'm there. Today, I'm here to talk to you about nogs. Specifically sad bald ones. But that's okay. Science has determined there's nothing we can do to put hairs back onto a head. It's all bullshit. It's basically super glue. You're not gonna have hair and it's not your fault. But with my new procedure, you can love the way you look. I call it a labalt.

[Markiplier]

Me.

[Bob]

I take my highly calibrated ice spike and the biggest hammer I'm legally allowed to swing at your face and I remove the parts of your brain that make you feel bad about how bald you are. The labaldomy. It's cheaper than it sounds. This product has not been tested. This sponsored. This product is not endorsed by Dr. SHINee Nog. Buy at your own risk.

[Markiplier]

How impartial. He doesn't need to endorse his own products. That would be biased.

[Bob]

Hey, they just pay me and I swing the hammer, man.

[Wade Minion]

Brought to you by me. I also don't endorse this product.

[Markiplier]

You pay me. Max B. Hair will be all over those endorsements.

[Wade Minion]

So my choices are wax strip hair.

[Bob]

Oh, slightly pre done hair.

[Wade Minion]

Slightly pre done. Oh, man, what choices?

[Bob]

I don't know who wouldn't go for the labaldumi given this choice?

[Wade Minion]

Well, you know, I might have leaned toward the Labalda bee if Shiny Nog had endorsed his own product. But that makes me a little nervous. So I'm gonna go with the the wax strips on this one.

[Markiplier]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, man. Give me that slightly pre used hair. Also, it's probably cheaper to have used hair.

[Markiplier]

It is very cheap for me.

[Wade Minion]

Buy one, get 99 free.

[Markiplier]

Yep. Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

You want to save money? We could reuse the same ice pick. I mean, it's whatever.

[Wade Minion]

Yeah. Why bother cleaning it? I won't remember.

[Bob]

I'll remove that part too. That Cares about that so you won't even be bothered.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, God, I forgot about the hair. Rivals Max B. Hair and shiny nog side tangent lobotomies. I've.

[Markiplier]

I've never really understood how the hell. Because I know the description of it, which is like, put an ice pick like, right here or something on the inner eye or wherever, and then you just wonk a hammer. Is that real?

[Wade Minion]

It's about damaging the frontal lobe or something.

[Bob]

Yeah, it causes damage to the frontal lobe in a way that affects the person's brain function and basically turns them into kind of more of a zombie, so they're less.

[Markiplier]

Wouldn't it cause damage to the eye and. And the sinuses and then all the other stuff in front of the brain?

[Bob]

Why? Does it go through the eye or does it. I thought maybe it went through the nose and you, like, drilled a hole and that. I honestly don't know. I only know lobotomy as like a. A joke from movies. Like, I can't believe that was a serious thing that medical doctors did to people. Or still do. I hope not.

[Wade Minion]

Dr. Walter Freeman popularized inserting an ice pick like, instrument through the eye socket, driving it through the bone with a mallet and swinging it to sever white matter.

[Markiplier]

Swinging it just so.

[Bob]

You gotta get it in there and then you go,

[Wade Minion]

this is a shitty overview.

[Bob]

But, yeah, sure, that seems fine.

[Wade Minion]

Surgery severs most of the connections to and from the prefrontal cortex and the anterior part of the frontal lobes of the brain. Yeah, we don't need those parts. So, yeah, of course the bodies were a good idea.

[Bob]

Yeah, some of those parts are probably useless.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, yeah. I've got to give you guys another prompt. I was like, keep going.

[Markiplier]

So

[Wade Minion]

bigger is seen as better, right?

[Markiplier]

Sure.

[Wade Minion]

So we're going to cure Mark. Including Mark Doing it. Mark, we're going to fix shortness. Oh, don't worry. Not your penis, just your height.

[Markiplier]

I don't need any trouble there. I don't need. I don't want any trouble there. I don't know why I said it like that.

[Wade Minion]

Trouble with my penis. Well, we gave you a dick lobotomy.

[Markiplier]

A dick botomy, you say? Is that also still through the eye socket?

[Wade Minion]

Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

Somehow. Yes. Yeah.

[Wade Minion]

Better than a dick Toppy. The bottom. The top. It's bad. Don't laugh, Wade.

[Bob]

That was confusing.

[Wade Minion]

Thanks, man. So we're fixing short. Who's first this time? I think Bob's first this time.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Markiplier]

Come on, fix me.

[Bob]

Dr. Shiny Nog here again. Like I said, where there's Knees or there's nogs, you can find me there. I'm here to talk to you today about knees. Are you too short? I know why that is. Not enough knees. I'm here to introduce you to my new product, Knee Knee E's. It's where we put a knee inside your knee to make it taller. You don't need a knee replacement. You need a knee engorgening. And that's where my patent pending biotic knee comes in. We surgically hacksaw your leg in half right in the middle of your knee joint and stick my new knee knee ee right in the middle. Not only will you be septuple jointed, you'll be 2 to 3, 4 inches taller. Which is enough, our surveys have shown for almost anyone. If that's not enough for you, I don't know if this product's for you. But like I always say, I'm a doctor.

[Wade Minion]

A claim that all doctors make sure to make to you.

[Bob]

Well, I. I thought I would try and play Mark's game, but I'm just not as good at these kind of bits as Mark is.

[Markiplier]

What do you mean?

[Bob]

You just, you know, you just, you go in your hairy. What guy's name? Hair.

[Markiplier]

B Max. B Hair.

[Bob]

You just like, you just jump into it and you have a character. I don't do characters. I do observational humor. Really? You know, I point things out.

[Wade Minion]

Ninog made a great comeback. You know, the first time I even wrote down a point for Ninog, I spelled out ne, K, N, E, E. So like, it worked.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, that's what. That's how it's spelled.

[Markiplier]

Guys. Remember that game Nidhog?

[Bob]

I do.

[Markiplier]

No.

[Bob]

Did you ever play the second one?

[Markiplier]

They made a second one.

[Bob]

I think there was Nidhog 2. I'm pretty sure.

[Markiplier]

Oh, right. I don't think I ever played it. Right. With the upgraded graphics and the wor thing.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's my game fixing.

[Markiplier]

Fixing my shortness.

[Bob]

Not you, just short in general.

[Markiplier]

No, he specifically did. Tall is a state of mind. Short is a state of body. Right. Tall is up here in the nog.

[Bob]

Right.

[Markiplier]

Short is down, down here in the body. You get what I'm saying? Do you get where I'm going with this? Let me spell it out longer for you. Tall, T A L, L tal is voom, voom, zoom. Up, up, up, up, up. Short, S, h, o r, t.

[Narrator]

You get the difference?

[Bob]

Uh huh.

[Markiplier]

I'm with you.

[Bob]

I'm on this ride.

[Wade Minion]

So.

[Markiplier]

So if you invert them. Invert it right. How's that go L L A T lot T R O H S Troll. I have nothing to give to you. I will give you nothing, and you will have nothing. And therefore, there is no problem. Cause there is no product.

[Wade Minion]

See?

[Bob]

Classic capitalist move, not solving a problem we didn't have.

[Markiplier]

Exactly.

[Wade Minion]

So is it drugs? I think it's drugs.

[Bob]

No, it's lot trolls.

[Markiplier]

We should play that backwards word game. That was fun.

[Bob]

That was fun.

[Wade Minion]

What was the backwards word?

[Markiplier]

It wasn't your or was Bob, did you have that one?

[Bob]

I think it was my game. I think I hosted it where you had to say, I'll try and say a word backwards, and then we'd see if you could get it correctly forward.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, I think Bob hosted that out. Because I think. Yeah, I think you and I were competing on that one, Mark.

[Markiplier]

That was a good one. It was. People thought we were faking.

[Wade Minion]

Wait, how would we fake it? What do you mean, fake it? What kind of show do they think this is?

[Markiplier]

I don't know. They thought we were playing dumb or something. And I'm just like, guys, I'm smart. It's the other person that's dumb.

[Wade Minion]

All right, we'll do one more round.

[Bob]

Wait, which product are you using? Wade or Latro?

[Wade Minion]

I think I gotta go with knee eee because I still don't know what the fuck the other one was.

[Bob]

It was just really good drugs.

[Markiplier]

I'm pretty sure it says it's not meant for you. If you can't comprehend it, the commercials are just a series of colors and shapes and geometric nightmares from my deepest, darkest secrets. But if you don't understand, you don't know what you know.

[Bob]

It's really not your fault, Mark. It's really unweighed.

[Markiplier]

Yeah.

[Wade Minion]

All I know is if we invert it it and say it backward, there's no problem.

[Bob]

Yeah. So you do get it. You're just being obstinate.

[Wade Minion]

Do you just not want, though? Do you not want to win?

[Markiplier]

I love how Bob before this was like, mark, you're so good at coming up with a character.

[Wade Minion]

All you saw.

[Bob]

It's my strategy. It's my mind game. I give you compliments over the course of the game, and it you're like, what? And then we falter. Right. Critical moments.

[Wade Minion]

He puts you in a pressure cooker.

[Bob]

He does.

[Markiplier]

He does.

[Wade Minion]

Good news. Then, Mark, you get to go first. So after, you get to immediately fix this. So this isn't so much like a personal body thing, but it's something that drives me crazy. Even here in Cincinnati, I have to sneeze. One second. That's not the problem.

[Bob]

You have to sneeze.

[Markiplier]

In Cincinnati, I'm Harry Sneeze.

[Bob]

I'm Phil Swift, here for Kleenex. I sawed your nose in half.

[Wade Minion]

Even here in Cincinnati, I'm noticing traffic is getting atrocious. I was like, oh, you know what I love about Cincinnati? It's nothing like LA or New York or Chicago and all their crappy traffic. It's getting there. Is there driving school anymore?

[Bob]

Because.

[Wade Minion]

Nope. People. There's an ambulance, full siren, and someone's like, oh, they're trying to cut me off. I better make sure they don't get around me. It's like, what is happening? Let the ambulance go, you fucking crazy person. They're idiots. There's so many idiots. And I don't think they know what a license is. I don't know if they know what a car is. I don't know if they know they have brakes sometimes. It's getting bad. We gotta fix the traffic and bad driver problem. So real quickly. Just something that's not been solved in centuries in the world, I need you to solve right now.

[Markiplier]

Have I got a product for you. Hi, I'm Chuck M. Trudier here, the inventor of the Caravolta. You don't even need to worry about traffic because it's an attachable attachment to your car that is in the shape and form of a giant spoon.

[Bob]

That is,

[Markiplier]

What's word, a catapult.

[Wade Minion]

It winds.

[Markiplier]

No, no, the.

[Bob]

The tension.

[Markiplier]

Yes, it's tension bound to the lever arm that will shock anything. Mostly it's intended for cars, but, you know, that's the only thing I have a patent pending for. But technically speaking, under the. Under the radar. Under the. Under the. Why can't I think of any common expressions? Under. Under the table.

[Wade Minion]

Are you human?

[Bob]

Under the table.

[Markiplier]

I'm Chuck M. Trudier. I am very human. And this product is also very human. It will allow you to throw everything and anything wherever you want it to go, so long as where you want it to go is in the direction you have pointed it at. So you can either get rid of those pesky traffickers or you can launch them where they need to be to assist in civil society and progressing the common man, which I am one of those. It was us.

[Wade Minion]

Very human. I'm concerned about that part. But otherwise, I mean, chucking some people in traffic with a catapult to help them. Of course. That sounds fantastic.

[Markiplier]

Or punishment.

[Wade Minion]

I would never say that part out loud.

[Markiplier]

But very under the table.

[Wade Minion]

Or over it. Normal human laughter. Bob, how do you solve my traffic problems?

[Bob]

Hi, I'm Bear Lee Lee Gull. And I'm here with a solution to all of your traffic problem.

[Wade Minion]

You might want to rethink the name,

[Markiplier]

but no, no, no, I love it.

[Bob]

It's a legal solution, barely to all of your problems. Look, there's already a solution for this. This is used by the military and in certain specific settings, but this used so sparingly, it's just a waste. We've all heard of the lrad, or Long Range Acoustic Device. It's a big speaker that can basically make such a terrible sound that it physically suppresses human beings or anything else with ears. If you mount one of my barely legal LRADs on the front of your car, everyone will always be out of your way. They basically couldn't stand to not get out of your way. It will solve all of your driving problems and basically only your driving problems for the rest of your life. And as far as we know, this is legal, probably depending on what state you live in and exactly how loud the sound is that you have your LRAD produce. It's probably safe for you and it's probably legal, we think. And it's very, very affordable. Ish. Depending on how much you value your time and driving experience.

[Wade Minion]

Okay, Barely legal.

[Bob]

I mean, I go by B. Lee, but my legal name is Bear Lee Lee Gull.

[Wade Minion]

I bee leave you with the L Rad or Chuck im Trudier with the catapult. I think I got to go with the catapult on this one. I like the idea of the sound, but it's less applicable. Everyone has the sound. Then either no one's on the road. Like, what if more than one person buys your product?

[Bob]

Well, then you only really need the one who's in front to be doing it. But you could team up with other LRAD users.

[Wade Minion]

Own the LRAD gang.

[Bob]

Yeah. Have a big train.

[Wade Minion]

Really?

[Bob]

Like a land train. It's like a train, but it goes on land, unlike regular trains. That's a weird concept, but just imagine a land train.

[Markiplier]

Wait. Next episode of this. You just gotta give us products and we'll give you the name of the inventor.

[Wade Minion]

We'll just give you the names of

[Markiplier]

the guys who built that.

[Wade Minion]

Done. So hold on, let me make a note to myself. I do think that we've done an episode like this one before. Like we did inventions way back in the day. I just don't know if we've done it for these specific scenarios. This might be a Part two or part three of inventions, but at least it was. I don't think we've done these things.

[Markiplier]

I hope you didn't pull up the same list of prompts.

[Wade Minion]

It would be really funny if we did. I mean, I guess it's possible I wrote all these today, but I do have the same brain. Probably, but slightly older and dumber.

[Markiplier]

I've noticed that, as a fascinating phenomenon, is like completely remembering something word for word that you thought was completely original. And you just rewrote history where. But that didn't happen this time.

[Wade Minion]

That's what happens whenever our entire lives are online for a decade and a half. Let me go through points here. Mark, you got. Oh, God, I gotta try to read my hand, right? I hate this point. This point, this point. I hate this point. You got sick boy, New mic. Toriyama's dead. Coffee. Whoops. Hey, kids. Tooth spy. Max B. Hair. Good spelling, Wanna pray. A game.

[Bob]

He get a boy for that?

[Wade Minion]

Yeah, I'm not complaining. Wax strip hair, Chuck M. Trudier lat.

[Bob]

Tro.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, short, tall, backwards, latros and catapult. You are sitting at 13.

[Bob]

Wasn't it technically cartapult?

[Wade Minion]

It might have been cartapult, but my handwriting is atrocious, and I tried. Bob, you got points for James hates Life. Sure. You made fun of my mail check versus apps thing. Or else you gave me good advice. You did something with that. You're a crime expert. I don't know what that had to do, but. But you're a crime expert. Apparently. Then I gave you points for laughing gun. Gary Upgrades Shiny nog Labaldomy. Like I say, I'm a doctor. Oh, like I always say, I'm a doctor. Nee. Nee. E's B. Lee, Legal lrad. And twice I picked your invention, which I just wrote as I choose you times two, for a total of 14. So right now it's 14 to 13. All right. Close one. Which is unfortunate. Can I just. Hang on. I'm gonna take three points away from Mark, give them to Bob so this wheels doesn't matter. Can I do that?

[Bob]

As the host, I'm gonna say you can't.

[Wade Minion]

All right, I won't. I. I heard that coin clicking. Don't worry, I'm not messing with the points. Unless.

[Markiplier]

Oh, all right.

[Wade Minion]

Okay.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Markiplier]

Are we good or we good? We're good.

[Wade Minion]

Give Bob a point for not grabbing his coin. Can I do that?

[Markiplier]

He grabbed his coin.

[Bob]

I was holding my coin.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, Mark. Mark gets six points for not grabbing his coin.

[Markiplier]

Okay, well, I won't stand By I'm

[Wade Minion]

not messing with it.

[Bob]

And then I do my thing.

[Wade Minion]

Do we have to retroactively add things to the wheel from when you were in Florida or do we haven't actually

[Bob]

come up with stuff to add to the wheel? So strictly I added at one point to free parking and I modified the winner's wheel to be. It's 18% right now. The one man show.

[Markiplier]

Oh, we might have said something like the next thing we have to add something that actually gets points from free for free parking.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, yeah, we could do that.

[Bob]

Let me do this real quick. How many spins we doing? I would put my money on three. Oh, I lost my money.

[Markiplier]

No, no, two it is.

[Wade Minion]

All right. And then I guess the thing we'll add is gets points from free parking.

[Markiplier]

Yeah. Unless we've forgotten that we did do that. But I. I'm not going to read through all the list.

[Bob]

There's way too many.

[Wade Minion]

And make sure you add a point to the free parking space. If you.

[Bob]

I did.

[Wade Minion]

I did.

[Bob]

There's one in it right now. There was. It said zero and I changed it to one.

[Wade Minion]

So you know at least now that if you get the point for free parking, you get at least one point

[Bob]

now it's worth something.

[Markiplier]

Yay.

[Bob]

All right, so we're doing two spins. Here we go, baby. Wearing the least clothes.

[Markiplier]

Okay, I got shirt, pants, undies, two socks. Well, a sock on each foot, I

[Bob]

guess, if I'm being super honest. I have both socks, underwear, shorts. But I have shirt and undershirt on. I mean, and I have a watch. I don't know if that's really closed,

[Wade Minion]

but I think undershirt is extra layer, right? Yeah, same except for an undershirt for both.

[Bob]

Yeah. So Mark. Mark gets that one. I guess I could have just lied.

[Markiplier]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Bob]

You guys don't know if I'm undershirt on, but it's whatever. But yeah, if you look at the wheel, you see this black sliver. It started to be so full of shit that it's going off center from the graphics. And so there's like a weird off centerness to the wheel now. I think when it spins, the black wedge goes moves around the outside.

[Wade Minion]

We need to take our wheel to a mechanic.

[Bob]

Spin number two. Tits.

[Wade Minion]

Bob gets that one.

[Markiplier]

I don't know if I said words.

[Bob]

I mean, I said tits. I don't know what it has to

[Wade Minion]

be, but that's a fast response.

[Markiplier]

That's a good response. I think I went.

[Wade Minion]

You did make a growling Noise. It's still after Bob.

[Markiplier]

Wait, wait. I'm gonna call cause. Okay, I'm a call unfair. And this is for a specific reason. Bob being the one spinning it and he said he revealed it's a local program. I am at a disadvant. It's true for that because I am on the other side of the country.

[Bob]

It's pretty true actually. Yeah.

[Wade Minion]

So hold on. So let's determine the outcome here. Either it's doubly fair and Bob is right and gets an extra point, or it's unfair. Which means what? Mark gets the point this time or respin.

[Markiplier]

I think it'd just be a re spin.

[Wade Minion]

Okay, so it's a re spin. Nothing happens. Or Bob gets two points from this.

[Bob]

Well, what if we re spin and it's fastest response again in is that.

[Markiplier]

I think we just.

[Bob]

That won't happen.

[Markiplier]

That won't happen. Yeah, it won't happen.

[Bob]

All heads, Mark wins. All tails, me wins. Otherwise nothing happens.

[Markiplier]

Yes.

[Bob]

All right.

[Wade Minion]

Oh, I got heads. Oh, tails.

[Bob]

I got. Which one is mine? I got lady. Oh, heads. Oh, it don't matter. Okay, well.

[Markiplier]

Shit. All right, I tried.

[Wade Minion]

All right, well, despite that attempt, the final score is Bob with 15, Mark with 14.

[Markiplier]

Damn.

[Wade Minion]

You did win something though, Mark. You won going first with your loser speech.

[Markiplier]

Oh, well, you know, there's that. I had a feeling I'd lose. I'm not saying I can predict the future. I'm only saying I can't affect to the future. None of our actions have any weighing on the future. You can't change it. Unless that change is simply standing by and watching it all burn.

[Wade Minion]

Well said, Bob. Save us for the winter speech.

[Bob]

I gotta say I'm a little surprised. I felt like Mark had some pretty funny bits today. And I felt like based on your reactions during the episode, it seemed like you were writing down a lot of stuff for him and not so much for me. But the points are numbers and numbers can't lie because numbers are science and science can't lie. That's just science. It's gotta be fair. We even flipped coins and the coin said it's fair to. So as much as I didn't feel like confident, I earned this. And I am the best. At least for today. But that's okay. What do you will be the best next time. Unless you're not.

[Wade Minion]

Well said. And I'm gonna give a quick, unprecedented hoster speech. Look, we might have done this topic before. We might have had a similar episode before. We might have even talked about some of these inventions before, but it's been disassembled, taken apart, and put back together. Is it even the same topic anymore? Or is this the invention of Theseus? That's for you all to decide.

[Markiplier]

We've done sequels before of Episode and

[Wade Minion]

is hey, this was my turn to talk. Don't come at me with logic and facts.

[Markiplier]

All right, you're right.

[Wade Minion]

If you haven't already, go follow these boys. Market Markiplier Bob at my I'm Wade Minion 777 or Lord Minion 777. Watch the episodes cuz there's video or listen if you want to keep listening, that's fine. Merch sometimes, maybe more soon maybe still some at Distractable shop. I always pause there in case I'm wrong about that link.

[Markiplier]

You got it.

[Wade Minion]

Check it out. Check us out. Watch more of this Listen to more of this. Also, I love the drawings. I know this drawing episode was a little while back. I loved seeing people draw along with the draw episode. That was really funny and most of them were better than us. Anyway, that's it. Podcast out.

[Narrator]

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