I'm Wade. I'm Bald.

Summary

Distractible Podcast – “I’m Wade. I’m Bald.”

Episode Date: August 10, 2026
Hosts: Wade Barnes, Mark Fischbach, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

This episode of Distractible showcases the trio’s signature blend of absurdity, lighthearted banter, and mock competitiveness. With Wade in the host's seat—again—he leads Mark and Bob through a series of inventive “Would You Rather” scenarios. The episode’s titular theme is sparked by Wade’s confession about his shaving mishap and quest for bald perfection, but quickly spills into a marathon of ridiculous hypotheticals, spontaneous roastings of Wade, and subtle gamesmanship.

Wade sneakily introduces an under-the-radar meta game, challenging Mark and Bob to notice the evolving pattern in his questions. All three friends riff on sleep deprivation, content creation, personal mishaps, and philosophical dilemmas, wrapping up with a points tally that surprises no one—except perhaps the hosts themselves.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

1. Baldness and Self-Image (04:26–05:04)

• Wade’s new shaved look: Molly (his partner) bought him a new foil shaver; Wade recalls accidentally shaving part of his beard at the shortest setting.
  • Quote: “I must have been on, like, a 0.5 for the beard... right in the middle... there’s no hair left.” — Wade (04:39)
• Mark and Bob assure Wade that his trimmed beard looks strong, with Mark noting his jawline emerges handsomely.

2. Haircut Horror Stories (05:02–05:45)

• Bob’s college haircut disaster: Tried buzzing his hair, the guard slipped off, and he ended up with a “huge fucking line” and had to either own it or shave all his hair off.
  • “If only I’d known how to do anything other than all-same-length, awful haircut.” — Bob (05:45)

3. Content Creator Arms Race (05:45–08:35)

• Mark’s GoPro Triumph:
  • He’s “being recognized as the paragon of Sponsoredom”—invited to GoPro HQ to receive a special item.
  • Banter about whether the HQ will actually exist; jokes about being led to an abandoned mineshaft or staged prank.
  • Mark reveals his cache of lenses and new mic innovation: “I got the mic on my ring, bro.” (08:06)
  • The others poke fun at Mark’s mysterious locations and elaborate recording setups.
• Ongoing bit: Sam (their editor) is humorously abused with flamboyant editing requests (“Make me Yoda... Make me plaid... Send Wade to Guam... Blow Mark up maybe…”).

4. Sleep Deprivation Olympics (01:45–02:44)

• Who’s the most tired?
  • Wade and Mark compare late nights; Mark notes, “I don’t think you ever leave that seat.”
  • Bob deadpans that he’s running from the law and is by far most sleep deprived.

5. Internet Sleuthing & Parasocial Weirdness (09:30–10:14)

• Discussion veers into viral TikTok “GeoGuessr” personas and the ethical boundaries of tracking strangers online.
• Bob and Mark express how odd (or slightly unsettling) it is when creators “find” people online—even if it’s consensual.

6. Croissant Sandwiches and Midwest Food Takes (10:33–11:52)

• Wade claims croissant sandwiches are “overrated” and “too messy.”
• Mark agrees, noting their structural weakness.
• Bob adds: “Physically impossible to eat a croissant sandwich without shrapnel. I’m already a messy person.” (11:14)
• Wade: “God, we’re so Midwestern.” (11:27)

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7. The Hidden Game: Wade’s Would You Rather Gauntlet (14:44–43:19)

Structure:

Wade runs an extended game of Would You Rather, but with a twist: the choices rotate through being genuinely good, truly bad, morally tricky, or completely nonsensical. Secretly, if either Mark or Bob catches on and articulates this pattern, they instantly win.

Memorable Segments and Banter:

• Magic Ointment Dilemma (14:44–15:04):
  • Bob eagerly picks magic skin cream due to diabetic concerns, “That would be a miracle drug. I would do anything to have that.”
  • Mark is served a brutal “lose an arm or a leg?” and offers pragmatic reasoning: “You can get a prosthetic one... it’s gonna be even better than a normal one.” (16:28)
• Legacy vs. Wealth (17:13–17:56):
  • Bob role-plays as Wade, “All I want to do is make myself laugh and be remembered... songs sung with my name in them.” (17:29)
• All Toes or All Fingers (18:04–19:00):
  • Mark relishes the weirdness; Bob theorizes that Wade’s toe-stubbing trauma guarantees he’d rather have fingers.
  • Wade confirms: "I've still got two, like, purple or black toenails from the stubs." (19:04)
• Drown Puppies vs. Kittens (19:34–20:09):
  • Bob, again as “Wade”, callously picks kittens: “That means I like dogs twice as much as I like cats... Wade would want to drown cats.”
  • Both realize the game is now “pick the most Wade-like answer no matter how dark.”
• Kids vs. Pets: Happiness (21:19–21:57):
  • Mark neutrally debates the moral calculus of happy pets versus happy kids: “Maybe some animals don’t deserve happiness... maybe some kids are equivalent to mosquitoes?” (21:21)
  • Wade clarifies it’s “pets specifically”.
• Evil Choices Sweepstakes (22:42–23:23):
  • Would you rather be lit on fire or get $10 million? Bob, as Wade: “I lay in bed for four hours... I'll take the hit on this one, guys.” (23:08)

The Meta Game Emerges:

• Both Mark and Bob start to suspect a hidden structure but never quite articulate it—though they come close several times.
  • “Sam, put this at the beginning... If they [Mark & Bob] figure it out at any point, they automatically win.”
  • Near the end, Wade reveals: “I had good options... bad options... ones that made you think, and then completely nonsensical ones. And I kept rotating you guys... If any of you guessed the game at any point, you just won.” (42:17–43:19)

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8. Roasting Wade – The “I’m Wade” Sketch (Throughout)

• Mark and Bob repeatedly role-play as “Wade” when making choices, painting him as a lovable, late-sleeping, self-centered hermit.
• Quote: “I’m Wade. My knee hurts. My shoulder hurts. I’m not going to do anything about either of those.” — Bob, channeling Wade (22:57)
• Wade plays along, appreciating the affectionate mockery.

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9. Question Highlights (with Timestamps)

• Would you rather have wet socks forever or always feel a pebble in your shoe? (27:52–28:51)
  • Bob: “Wet socks is too destructive... Shoes are gonna get moldy.” Wade: “You never get a pebble on both feet.” (29:09)
• Would you rather know the date or cause of your death? (29:12–30:20)
  • Mark: “Time’s good. Then I would know how much time I got left. I can work with that.” (30:06)
• Would you rather eat your own shit (nobody knows) or drink your friend’s pee while they watch? (35:43–36:20)
  • Mark (as Wade): “Wady love pee pee. But Wady also love poo poo. What Wadey gonna do?” (35:54)
• Mouth/penis vs. nose/butthole swap (37:49–38:36)
  • Bob rapidly settles on “swap nose and butthole.” Mark overthinks the anatomical logistics (38:23–38:49)
• Snuggle one giant dog or ten small puppies? (39:07–39:38)
  • Mark chooses “giant dog”: “I pick Clifford. That’d be so crazy...” (39:20)
• Speak all languages vs. re-break all bones? (40:16–40:38)
  • Mark, deadpan: “That’s a lot of languages, a lot of pressure. Oh, they got so many bones... I’ll pick the languages.” (40:36)

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10. Finale: The Scoreboard and Secret Game Reveal (41:56–43:02)

• Points Tallied:
  • Mark: 15
  • Bob: 15
  • Wade: 1 (for outsmarting the others)
• Wade reveals the secret structure of the Would You Rather gauntlet, and how Mark & Bob both nearly guessed it but missed the win.
  • “There was a way to instantly win this episode, and you both got very close...” — Wade (42:09)
• Gamesmanship continues as Bob withholds awarding points, invokes “golf rules,” and there’s banter about who actually “won” (or lost).

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Notable Quotes & Key Moments (Chronological)

• “That’s what I want people to think and know.” — Wade, on never leaving his chair (01:53)
• “Running from the law has its prices and I’m paying for it day by day.” — Bob (02:44)
• “If Thanos was a content creator.” — Wade, on Mark’s ring mic (08:12)
• “Pick on Sam.” / “No, that’s the smartest shit. That’s not dumb.” — Wade & Bob, on editor Sam (14:09–14:21)
• “Songs sung with my name in them.” — Bob, as Wade (17:29)
• “Why is she outside the window?” — Wade, in a tangent about his wife (18:51)
• “Reverse poop... I don’t want to ever do that. I pray I never have to face that challenge.” — Mark (37:14, 36:09)
• “If you want to eat through your dickhole, you can.” — Wade, in response to anatomical swaps (38:56)

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Episode Structure & Flow

• Beginning [01:23–04:04]: Opening banter, host seat meta jokes, sleepy intros, and setup for the Would You Rather game.
• Middle [04:04–41:56]: Tangents about personal grooming, content creation, internet culture, food, meta games, and extensive Would You Rather round—intermixed with consistent Wade-themed role-playing and one-upmanship.
• Closing [41:56–end]: Points are tallied, the secret game is explained, and the competitive outro devolves into more jokes, posturing, and technical hijinks (coin flips, wheel spins, “golf rules”).
• Final Thoughts: Wade will host again since his secret game stumped the co-hosts; closing promos and thanks to Sam.

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Useful Timestamps for Listeners

• 04:26 – Wade’s shaving mishap and beard talk
• 05:02 – Bob’s “buzz cut” horror story
• 05:45 – Mark’s GoPro announcement & content creator flex
• 09:30 – TikTok “GeoGuessr” stories and internet sleuthing
• 10:33 – The Croissant Sandwich Debate
• 14:44 – Would You Rather game segment starts
• 17:13 – “Rich & forgotten vs. poor & remembered” dilemma
• 22:42 – “Lit on fire or get $10 million?” and Wade roast
• 27:52 – “Wet socks or pebble in shoe?” conundrum
• 29:12 – “Know date or cause of death?” moral digression
• 35:43 – Bodily fluid “would you rather”
• 37:49 – Body-part swap hypotheticals
• 39:07 – “Snuggle a giant dog or puppies?” fun
• 41:56 – Points tally and secret game reveal
• 42:17 – Secret meta-game explained

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Tone & Style

The episode stays true to Distractible’s casual, self-effacing, “high-energy low-stakes” vibe, featuring genuine friendship, loving mockery, and joyful absurdity. Mark and Bob’s faux-impression of Wade’s inner monologue (“I’m Wade…”), the mock agony over toilet humor, and deeply Midwestern food takes all exemplify the hosts’ improv chemistry.

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Conclusion

“I’m Wade. I’m Bald.” is classic Distractible: a blend of personal anecdote, meta-game shenanigans, and affectionate ribbing. Beneath all the mockery, there’s plenty of insight into creative friendship, self-image, and how even the silliest hypotheticals can spark thoughtful debate. For dedicated listeners, it’s a rich ride through the podcast’s best qualities—and for newcomers, a perfect introduction to the group’s irreverent, quick-witted dynamic.

Transcript

[A]

When you join Sam's Club, you get way more than you'd expect. You don't just get value. You get insider tips from fellow members. You don't just pick up a pizza. You actually vote on its toppings. Mmm. Bacon crumbles. You don't just visit the club, because with the Sam's Club app, everywhere can be the club. You don't just shop the latest finds. You find your people.

[B]

And at the end of the day,

[A]

isn't that what it's all about? Come join us, Sam's Club.

[B]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable.

[A]

This episode, White and Wade gets a razor swerves Internet stalking and forces terrible choices.

[B]

Barnstorming, Bob dishes his haircut disaster.

[A]

Then chooses ointments, legacy and health Megalomaniac Mark claims proparagon status. Prepares to take 4k to the nth degree Comes hard and Slurp's peen piddle. From desaturated Yoda to remorseless roasting. Yes, it's time for I'm Wade. I'm bald.

[B]

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[A]

Hey, everyone, welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm your host, Wade. What's that? Didn't Wade just host not too long ago? We're so back. I think it's a new season. I don't know how that works, but I'm in this seat, and I'm gonna stay in this seat. Usually, whether I'm hosting or not, I'm in the same seat, but you know what I mean. Joined as always by my co hosts and not current hosts, Mark and Bob.

[C]

Hey, guys, I'm not entirely certain you ever leave that seat. I don't think you have to tell people that's where you'll be. I think everyone could find you there 24 7.

[A]

That's what I want people to think and know.

[B]

I don't know why, but, Wade, you seem particularly desaturated today. Are you depressed?

[C]

You're just graying out as a person?

[A]

Well, we're recording this a little earlier than usual. And I was in bed, like, asleep. And I was just like. It was one of those moments where I kind of woke up. I was like, let me look at my phone, Bob. 10 minutes ago. You guys want to record? Oh, you know, got up and got ready real quick. Was like, yeah, let's do it.

[B]

Yeah. Wait, what time is it over there for you?

[A]

That's not important. Okay. I was up till like, 3:30 in the morning playing Palworld.

[C]

So, like, I was up till 2:30 and I've been up for five and a half hours, so.

[A]

Yeah, but you chose to sign your life away by becoming a parent. I'm supposed to be able to sleep. I chose the sleep life.

[C]

That wasn't even it. I had to go to the doctor.

[A]

Well, you're just making bad life choices. I tell my doctor I'm not free till after 2.

[C]

I do have a toddler, so I have to be back home at some point. Early as possible.

[B]

I think I win the sleepy point this episode. I'm pretty sure I am the most sleep deprived of you two Running from the law has its prices and I'm paying for it day by day.

[C]

Jesus Christ, it's Jason Bourne.

[B]

My life of crime and my empire of wrongdoing will come crumbling down around me as soon as they catch me. Which they won't. Welcome to the most perfect ester crime. Me stealing this episode away is how it starts.

[A]

As long as I get points for being able to host it. I guess I definitely didn't forget I was supposed to be writing points on a pad. I'm scrambling to get that ready real quick.

[B]

Sam, saturate Wade. He does look pretty desatured.

[C]

Pick a better color for Wade.

[B]

Sam hue shift' EM 137 degrees. Bump lightness 1.2.

[A]

Make me Yoda.

[C]

He's done that before. He probably has a preset.

[B]

Yeah, let's assume Sam has a preset for everything and isn't crying in a corner every time we ask him to do something.

[A]

Sam, make me plaid.

[C]

How many bits can we do to torture Sam all at once?

[A]

I'm in Guam.

[C]

Send way to Guam.

[A]

Blow mark up maybe. We've spent six hours editing that part. We're going to do the rest of the episode.

[B]

My hair has never looked more frazzled. Are you seeing this? Look how much frizzies I have.

[A]

The light behind is definitely adding some some frazz.

[C]

It's just a glow of a man who's succeeding in his goal of evading the law.

[B]

I'm not winning the handsome point today. I just got through that right out there.

[C]

I've only been saying I need a haircut for three weeks, so I'm getting close to actually doing it.

[A]

I got Molly got me like a new fo oil shaver. So I've been like shaving my head every day, every other day to keep the smooth bald. But the other day I was like, oh, let me trim the beard up and everything just go crazy. And then I thought I was on a 2. I must have been on, like, on a 0.5 for the beard, because I did one line. Of course, I picked, like, right the middle. I was like, oh, God, there's no hair left, but there's a little. Just the gray blends so well with my skin. It looks like there's no hair.

[B]

It's nice. I like it.

[C]

Honestly, it does look good. You have a strong jaw with it. That short?

[A]

Yeah. Definitely better than the super beard I had going on. I do. Like, I want to shave the beard entirely, but Molly won't let me. So one day I'm gonna do it anyway.

[C]

I used to cut my hair, my own hair in college, and there was one night I used to just do buzz cuts, so it's really easy. And I was, like, shaving it in the evening, and I had the thing and I put the blade guard on, and I reached behind my head and it fell off, but it, like, fell into the towel that was around me, so I didn't hear it do anything. And I just went right up the back middle of my head. And there was a solid half hour where I was just sitting in the bathroom. Like, do I have to. I guess I have. No, no, I can just. It's fine. No, I have to wait. I did not shave my head, but I had a huge fucking line in my hair for a long time. Oh, Foliage had known how to do anything other than all same length, awful haircut.

[B]

Well, I have great news, guys. I've got the biggest news, maybe the best news. I am finally being recognized as the paragon of Sponsoredom that I am. No, you guys aren't invited. I've been invited out to GoPro headquarters to be personally handed an ILS.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Wow, what's that, Sam? Make this seem like a big deal. Bigger. Bigger deal,

[C]

actually. Don't know. I assume they're a West coast company. Are they close to you, or is this like a flight away kind of deal?

[B]

No, it's like an hour and a half drive. They're kind of towards San Diego. They also have an office up in San Francisco, but they have another one being invited down to the. By the time people listen to this, it hasn't happened yet. So for the first time, you know, it's like.

[C]

So you're saying it still couldn't.

[B]

No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, it's a couple days later after the episode. It'll definitely happen. They can't possibly ignore me any further.

[C]

That wouldn't be Hilarious. You show up and it's like an empty office building. And they're like. He went. He didn't even check. He just went where we told him.

[A]

I forget which movie is. It's like when Joe Pesci's a made man. He's walking in, they're like, oh, we're going to this big party for you. He walks in, it's, like, empty. Then they whack him. It is like an hour and a half away.

[B]

And I was like, no, don't worry, I'll drive. I'll drive, guys. Some random place in between LA and San Diego.

[A]

Yeah, just go on up. We'll meet you there. We'll be right in. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Abandoned mineshaft.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Yeah, Cool. Must be some great stuff you can film down there. I'm headed down.

[A]

You walk in, there's just, like a little note in the middle of the room. You walk up, you unfold it and just says, leave us alone.

[B]

Oh, God, no. But it's real, and I'm definitely going to get that. And when I do, it'll be super cool. I'll be very excited.

[C]

I mean, that is pretty sick. That the Mission Pro has been really fun to use for all the stuff I film. But don't post on the Internet, because it's mostly of my toddler. I'm excited to see what you do.

[B]

Oh, I have so many lenses already for it, ready to go. I'm just. I'm loaded to the teeth with them. I just. I can't wait to take some of the most incredible 4K240 footage of my life. It's going to be amazing.

[A]

My pen's not working, so I'm trying really hard to write points, but, God, is it not?

[B]

Also, check this out. I got the mic on my ring, bro.

[C]

Same monitor. I'm sorry.

[A]

God, you're like. If Thanos was a content creator.

[C]

It's fine.

[A]

It just.

[C]

It just moved. It's definitely not correct.

[A]

I get.

[B]

I get all of the.

[C]

The.

[B]

The branded mics. I got, like, GoPro, DJI.

[A]

The. It's just for 61.

[B]

Finally, 128 bit audio.

[A]

My content is inevitable.

[B]

That's all I got. I won't tell you why I'm here or where I am. You don't get to know.

[C]

Wade and I learned long ago that Mark is where he is when we find him. And we are not allowed to know why or how or even where. A lot of the time now you

[A]

can tell that that curtain behind you is Martian cotton. And they only have that in, I think, Santa Fe, New Mexico. Which means that that's where you must be.

[C]

Oh, wow. Rainbolt. I don't think Wade knows what that is.

[A]

I'm Rain Man's son. Rainbolt.

[C]

That's actually Rain Man's dog. Come here, Rainbolt.

[B]

Who do you guess Rainbolt is?

[A]

Well, my first thought was Rain Man. My second thoughts, Usain Bolts.

[C]

There's a lot of context clues that can really point you right at the answer on this one. I'm not gonna lie.

[A]

You can tell me. I'm happy to know, but I'll forget in two minutes.

[B]

You know what geoguessr is? Yeah, he's good at that.

[A]

Is he fast like Rain, or like a guy with the last name Bolt who is also fast? I think I figured it out, actually.

[B]

I just remember he's not the guy that finds people from their obscure hotel references. That's someone else on TikTok, and I don't know if they do that anymore. Remember when he was just deducing where that one. Where that one girl was staying a

[C]

lot then they had a love Internet love tryst thing that felt, honestly, a lot like stalking to me because he would just reply to her videos and be like, you're in Lisbon in this hotel. I'll be there tonight.

[A]

I'm glad I dodged this era of Internet. Sounds uncomfortable.

[C]

Honestly, it was pretty. I think it was pretty cool. It's pretty consensual. Shoot. The woman who is. Was like, find me as a whole thing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's a lot different than what I was imagining based on the presentation.

[C]

Even with her inviting him to do it, I always thought that came across as pretty weird.

[B]

There's weirder things out there, I'm sure. Wade, get ready with your episode. Get ready for Weird Part five, everybody.

[A]

I hate you guys ruined an episode I haven't even happened yet.

[C]

We engaged with it. We were engaging.

[B]

I was so. Yeah, we were so weird. You gotta. You gotta recognize a weird man.

[C]

It was like core day at the gym. I was engaged.

[A]

You either get weird or you get bread. Pick one.

[B]

What about weird bread croissants? Am I right? Fuck are those?

[A]

Hold on, hold on. Now you're cooking. I got. I got a new idea. Hold on. This episode called Weird Bread, dude.

[C]

Fucking croissants, though.

[B]

Marcus Wright, Worm ass twisty things.

[A]

Do you guys look at.

[C]

This is.

[A]

This is not the episode. But do you guys like sandwiches on croissants? I prefer normal bread. I feel like.

[B]

Yeah, it's got either a hole in the middle, where, you know, it tries to circle up hard, or it's long and football shaped and it's banana shaped. And it's weird.

[A]

Like, I want to go with the croissant because I'm like, oh, fancy. And then I eat it. I'm like, this is just a worse sandwich.

[B]

It's also too light. It's not structurally integral enough.

[C]

The thing for me is it's so messy, too. Like, it's physically impossible to eat a croissant sandwich without shrapnel. Just be like, I'm already a messy person. I don't need extra shit all over me when I eat a crumbly ass sandwich.

[A]

God, we're so Midwestern. I love it.

[C]

Is that a. Is that a Midwest thing to not prefer croissants on for your sandwich?

[A]

I don't know. It just seems like it. I feel like that's the kind of thing I say. Someone's like, oh, you're so Midwestern. So, like, I feel like I just trained to believe that whenever I have a food take like that. It's just me being Midwestern.

[C]

I think you're just supposed to eat the croissant as a croissant. I think you're just supposed to enjoy it.

[A]

Croissants are good. Just the croissant sandwich, I feel like, is overrated.

[C]

My only small talk is that my foot is fucked and I have to take a doctor's note for the thing that we're going to talk about at the end of the episode where I was going to give one a few points. One of you still gets points, but I. I'm not supposed to stand up at all anymore, so it's really hard to do baking, per se.

[A]

Do you want to save those points for when you host, or do you want to assign them? Because this is the next episode and you have your answer.

[C]

You know, I did promise you I'd give them in the very next episode, but saving them for when I host makes more sense.

[B]

No give, get. No give, give, give.

[A]

To me, Bob's like, I'm not going to say who they're for, but they're for Mark and I want to win. Give me.

[C]

Well, look, Wade, you're the host and you said you don't care, right?

[A]

No, you can do whatever you want with them. They're your points, man.

[C]

Well, I'll tell Mark they're his points at the end of the episode.

[A]

That just means he didn't play the Pokemon games correctly, because I know those would win.

[C]

We'll see.

[A]

So in my episode here, I've got. I've got some fun. Would you rather questions.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

We're gonna do some Would you rathers.

[B]

There's a trick. I can smell it.

[A]

Well, I think would you'd rathers are kind of a trick, right? Because you gotta pick one of two options.

[C]

I feel like there's always a correct answer, and I know what it is.

[A]

Bob, you're on my left. So heads is Bob, tails is Mark.

[C]

Is left. Heads. This is a thing. Hey, that's me. He got. He flipped for guys.

[B]

Sam, put me on the left.

[C]

Oh, what idiot. Oh, what a play.

[B]

Did I get it?

[A]

No.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

But, man, you're certainly over there.

[C]

You see, I disrespect Sam like that. Damn.

[A]

He's had a pretty easy episode. We've not asked much of him yet. About time he did some work after

[C]

he slaved over a hot explosion just for you.

[A]

Well, thank God he's got a normal long week to edit this episode.

[B]

Sam, swap Wade's eyes.

[A]

Whoa. Watch this.

[C]

Yeah. Shake your head back and forth a lot while he's doing that.

[A]

Keep up.

[B]

Look, with Da Vinci's tracking nowadays, it's gonna be no problem. He's got this. He's got it.

[C]

I believe in you, Sam.

[A]

I could tell we're all three a different type of tired because we're amused by the dumbest shit right now. We're like, pick on Sam.

[B]

No, that's the smartest shit. That's not dumb. Guys, come on.

[A]

Sam, put this in the beginning. If at any point either of the competitors guess the game of what's going on, and that's that there's two good options, then a normal one, two bad options, than a nonsensical. If they figured that out at any point, they automatically win. All right, Bob, you were first. Here, let me go. Okay. Would you rather have a mouthwash that makes your breath amazing and teeth permanently clean, or a skin cream that makes your skin nice, smooth and moisturized and also quickly heals cuts and bruises?

[C]

This one feels targeted.

[A]

Not intentionally. This was the first one to. Regardless of who went first. But it does.

[C]

There's an objective, correct answer to this one for me. Please give me the magic skin cream so I can take the shit off my leg.

[A]

That's fair.

[C]

Honestly, I'd appreciate both of those. But in my current situation and the fact that I am diabetic, a skin cream that keeps my skin perfectly healthy, including all on my legs and feet and everything and heels, cuts and whatnot, would be Like a miracle drug. I would do anything to get and have that. Because that's like, one of my biggest concerns in life. I know a lot of diabetic people who've lost feet or legs because shit just happens. And if you don't take care of yourself, it can just happen out of nowhere. And I like my legs. I don't like my feet that much, but I'd rather keep them than not.

[A]

Makes sense. Yeah. Like, that one wasn't targeted, but it kind of felt like it. I understand your sentiment.

[C]

I feel attacked.

[A]

Mark, would you rather lose an arm or lose a leg?

[B]

Why are you laughing? There's multiple reasons why you could be laughing. I'm trying to figure out how. It's an insult to me.

[C]

It's not an insult to you. It's just funny. Mark, things are allowed to be funny without being insults.

[B]

I have to remember to step into the mind of Wade for this. Cause we gotta pick the ones he's agreeing with. That's how we get points. And him no like his knees right now. Him knee hurt him. Him knee hurt him bad. Him no want knee right now. Him no need jump. Him sit. So. But him need both hand. Play game, earn money, career, need both hand. So I would rather lose a leg because also you can get a prosthetic one. And it's gonna be even better than a normal one.

[C]

You can get one of those blades and jump super high.

[A]

We should just lose our legs intentionally. So we just have prosthetic legs then I think couldn't stub our toes anymore. Oh, my God. No foot cuts.

[B]

I feel like losing an arm means, losing, you know, half my dexterity. And playing video games, especially for a career, doing pretty much anything on a computer. Both hands is helpful. It's not necessary. There's plenty of people that get by without it. But I've learned so much to do things two handed. It would be tough.

[A]

You're considered prepared for something if you're armed and ready. And whenever you're about to perform, people tell you to break a leg. So it's kind of like we've already been preparing ourselves to get rid of our legs.

[C]

Yeah, he definitely has already picked the correct answers.

[A]

Bob, would you rather be rich and forgotten or poor and remembered?

[C]

This feels like a trap. This feels like another one where these aren't even close to me. And I know exactly which one I would pick with almost no thought whatsoever. But that feels like a trap. What would Wade want? I'm Wade. I'm Wade. I have no hair except on My face. I'm Wade. And on my back, I'm Wade. I love myself. I make myself laugh. All I want to do is make myself laugh and be remembered. I don't care if I have things people need to talk about me for the rest of eternity. I want songs sung with my name in them. And they have to specify that it's me so they know which Wade it is. I know what I would pick, but I think Wade would rather be remembered.

[A]

So is that what you're picking?

[C]

That's the game, right? Mark decided. That's the game. So I'm just playing the game here.

[A]

I've not said either way, but you guys are welcome to assume whatever you want.

[C]

I'm pretty sure we would want to be remembered, comrade.

[A]

This is fun for me. Okay, Mark, would you rather have all toes or all fingers?

[B]

As in, I lose.

[A]

Your feet have fingers and your hands have fingers, or your feet have toes and your hands have toes?

[B]

Oh, oh, oh, oh. I get it. All right. I'm Wade. I get up in the morning. Well, not really. It's the afternoon.

[A]

Ah, you're right. You almost. You almost fell for that trip.

[B]

I reach for the blanket with my.

[C]

What?

[B]

Oh, what do I need to grab this blanket? Get it off me. Grab my iPad. Can't play an iPad with your toes. No need. Fingers. Need fingers. I flip upside down, grab the ceiling with my fingertoes, clutch tightly, crawl upside down out my bedroom window. Say hello to Molly. Go let the dogs out.

[A]

Why is she outside the window?

[B]

Walk vertically up my house wall outside. Also, my dogs have fingers for toes. I'm gonna go with the fingers.

[C]

I think you're right. I think one of the things Wade hates most in the world is stubbing his toes.

[A]

That's awful. Dude, I've still got two, like, purple or black toenails from the stubs.

[C]

She made me check out that. That's going on a while.

[A]

You're probably right.

[B]

Sam. Sam. Bass boost. What he just said.

[A]

Wait, no, I mean.

[B]

Nah, Bass boost it.

[A]

No, that's right.

[B]

That's what I meant. I meant, like, raise the pitch originally, but bass boosting is a different technique. It's going to blow everyone's eardrums out.

[A]

Mm.

[C]

Mm.

[A]

Bob, would you rather drown 10 puppies or drown 10 kittens?

[B]

I'm Wade.

[C]

I have one cat and two dogs. That means I like dogs twice as much as I like cats. Plus, they're not my cats. Keters will be fine. Puppies will be fine. Whoever's dogs these are, it's not My fault. The universe is making me do it. And by dogs, I mean cats. Wade would want to drown.

[B]

Cats, I love. We've found the secret strategy to this game of making Wade do the horrible thing.

[A]

I did come up with the prompt, so I guess I have to own that, right?

[C]

I think we're. I think we're winning the game right now, Mark. I think we're basically tied because we're both winning so hard.

[B]

We figured it out.

[A]

You guys are doing just fine.

[C]

That's probably good.

[A]

Would you rather, Mark, ensure that all pets get to live happy lives or all kids get to live happy lives or happy childhoods?

[B]

I'm sorry? Happy childhoods. The rest of their lives is indeterminate. Yeah.

[A]

The idea of this one is like a similar length of time, you know, childhood slash the life of a pet.

[B]

Does it imply that the opposite lives terrible lives or just the normal average number of good. Okay, I'm Wade, thinking about animals. I'm Wade, concerned about the well being of all the children in the world.

[A]

I'm Wade.

[B]

I'm a good person. I'm Wade. I'm conflicted. I think about the animals. Some animals don't deserve good lives. Some animals are evil. Are some kids evil? Weird debates, maybe. Maybe some kids are born evil. Maybe some kids don't deserve happiness. Maybe some animals don't deserve happiness. Do mosquitoes deserve to have a good life? That might be bad. Are some kids equivalent to mosquitoes? What is one evil kid equivalent to how many happy mosquitoes?

[A]

What is one evil kid?

[B]

You never know how much evil one kid. You ever read Fly Fly Island?

[C]

The.

[A]

Is it called Lord of the Flies?

[C]

What about Lord of the Flies?

[A]

I mean Fly Island. You ever unzip your fly. You ever fly on a plane? No, that's not it.

[B]

Yeah, I think, I think the. The concept of too many happy animals is not as good as we might think it is. There could be some animals that we don't want to be happy for the sake of everything that's too wide a net.

[A]

Pets. This is, this is pets specifically. Not just all animals.

[B]

Oh, fuck me.

[C]

Any, any animal can be a pet.

[A]

I mean, that's true, but these are animals that are owned.

[B]

All right, I'm still gonna stick. I don't want to go through that whole thing. And I'm gonna go through the happy

[C]

kids I fucking love. You know how they have like the kids translation of the Bible where it's like the Bible but written in hello, my fellow youths type language of the idea that there's a Book that's like Fly Island, a kid's translation of Lord of the Flies.

[A]

What would. What would a kid think a conch is? By name?

[B]

A conch. I don't even know what a conch is, man. Actually, I do, from that spongebob episode. There's really no forgetting it after that.

[C]

I'm pretty sure that's just called a Swoopy Clam.

[A]

Bob, would you rather be lit on fire or given $10 million?

[C]

To be given $10 million or to like. I would be given 10 million dol. Dollars. Yeah. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. It's 4:00pm on a Thursday. I've just woken up. I lay in bed for four hours.

[A]

That's great.

[C]

Playing Raid Shadow Legends on my iPad with my foot fingers. I'm Wade. My knee hurts. I'm weighed. My shoulder hurts. I'm weighed. I'm not gonna do anything about either of those.

[B]

I'm Wade.

[C]

I'm Wade.

[A]

How did this turn into an episode of Roasting Me?

[C]

Do I want to be lit on fire? Ooh, Molly would probably want me to do that outside. Wait, I guess I have to take $10 million. I'll take the hit on this one, guys.

[A]

Man, a lot of thinking into that one. I didn't think that choice was particularly difficult, but, you know, you thought it through. All right, Mark, back to you. Would you rather have your dream job or never get your college degree? It's really funny that that loan landed on you. That was not targeted either, but there it is.

[B]

But, you know, I'm Wade. The last sun setting hits my eyes. I awake. I rise from my bed, grab the ceiling with all 20 of my fingers. I wave to my one happy pet and my one unhappy pet. I hear the children's laughter outside, and I think to myself, do I go to this last college class I have and pass this final? That I certainly will. Or cool job? See, the funny thing is, you graduated and got a cool job, so that's.

[A]

Well, the prompt is, you get your dream job or you never get your college degree.

[B]

Oh, wait.

[C]

So if you get your dream job, you have to get your college degree?

[A]

No, you just never can. But if you never get your college degree, you also never get your dream job.

[C]

Whoa. Mark, I don't know if we understand the rules of this game as well as we thought we did.

[A]

You get your dream job, or you never get your college degree.

[B]

I'm Wade. I've presented the problem to myself slightly incorrectly. Methinks me, I'm not sure which way go up and down.

[A]

No, this is exactly, exactly how it's supposed to read.

[B]

I'll take the dream job, but I feel like I'm walking into traps.

[A]

That seems like a good choice.

[B]

Multiple traps are opening before me. Chasms yearn and yawn. Open. Call my name.

[C]

I love a yawning chasm.

[B]

Best kind of chasm there is.

[A]

All right, Bob. Would you rather make sure all of the hungry are fed or all of the homeless are housed?

[C]

I'm Wade. It's 10:30pm Almost time to start getting up. In my dreams, I've discovered we're getting

[A]

closer to normal day.

[C]

Eventually, I discover a way to achieve two separate and unrelated but actually pretty related things. But they're just unrelated enough that I can only actually do one of them. What do I care about most? I'm Wade. I like to eat food. I'm Wade. I like to be in a house. I'm Wade. I think Wade would rather live on the street and have all the food he could ever want to eat. I think Wade would feed people.

[A]

All right. Feed the hungry. Mark, would you rather be a doctor who fails every surgery or a serial killer who always succeeds?

[B]

I'm Wade. The clock strikes 12 chimes in my pitch black room. I don't know if that's a.m. or p.m. i don't risk it. I sleep until I hear another 12. Then I rise. Eat some food. Play some iPad. Dokkan battle, something or other. Dbz, Pokemon. Love that shit. Think about being a doctor.

[A]

I'm honored you guys remember so much of my four hobbies I've ever had.

[B]

My knees hurt. My shoulders hurt. Never. Never. I'll never deal with that. Never. I think about being a doctor. I could kill people that way. I think about being a serial killer. I could kill people that way. I'm weed. I love killing people. I just gotta decide which path I choose. I could probably get away with killing more people if I be secretive about it. If I'm a doctor and I save my bloodlust on my patients, surely they will stop me. Could always fall back on being a serial killer after that. Serial killer. Because I want to be good at my job and I want to be remembered.

[C]

I think that's the right choice. I think he nailed it. Because if you think about a doctor is a doctor. A doctor is a doctor. A lot of time of the week, right? Like doctors are constantly doctoring. Even the most prodigious serial killers only kill sometimes. You could definitely do way more damage as a doctor. But everyone's watching Serial Killer. That's pretty low key, you know, you only really have to work assuming that's your job. Somehow once in a while, when you feel like it, when you get the

[A]

urge, it's interesting that you guys are like, well, if I can't be good at the thing I want to be good at, I guess I'll be a serial killer and at least be good at what I do.

[C]

Yeah, have some pride, man.

[A]

Because your intent could still be good at being the doctor. If you're a serial killer, your intent is bad.

[C]

You could be Dexter. You could only kill the bad ones.

[A]

That's true, I suppose, but you probably wouldn't. I've got boxes to open. I don't have time to pick my target. Bob. Would you rather have wet socks or the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe?

[C]

Do you have the feeling of a small pebble in your shoe, even if not wearing shoe?

[A]

We're going with the idea of yes. The idea is these are equally happening. So you're either you always feel like you have the wet socks on. You always feel like the pebble sensation.

[C]

So are your socks actually wet?

[A]

Let's just say, yes, your. Your socks are always wet, or yes, there's always a pebble stuck to the bottom of your foot that you feel every time you step.

[C]

I'm Wade. Hi. I feel like it has to be. It has to be pebble and shoe has to be wet. Socks is too destructive. You can't. You gotta. You gotta be careful what you step on and be careful what you feed on. Shoes are gonna all get, like, moldy. You're going to have problems. Plus, if you have to always have wet socks on, that means you can't wear sandals. Also, that means you have to wear socks in the pool, which sounds kind of unpleasant. It's got to be the pebble. It's not like you walk that much anyway. I'm Wade. I sit in my chair. Who cares if I have a pebble on my foot?

[A]

Figured it out.

[C]

Does the pebble get to be on the same side as your fucked up knee? Because then you can just hobble on. On one leg and call it good.

[A]

Well, this isn't about me. Believe it or not, you guys have

[C]

kind of inferred that, but it's clearly about you. People have been saying your name the whole time.

[A]

If it was me, sure. It could be either foot or both, I guess. If you have wet socks, I guess the pebbles on both feet, you never

[B]

get a pebble on both feet.

[C]

Don't be ridiculous.

[A]

Mark, would you rather know the date of your death or the cause of your death?

[B]

I am way Dthoth, the blind idiot God, slumbering eternally in a higher plane of existence. Existence. Pray I still sleep, lest I wake and unravel reality by its mere fabrics.

[A]

Just like Icarus, I snoozed too close to the sun.

[B]

Time, I guess, because what if the what if the reason's boring? What if, what if why I what if why is horribly boring?

[A]

I guess it's just like. Would you rather dread. Like, if you're. If you know your cause of death, would you forever dread doing something tangential to what could be that cause? Or would you be horrified approaching the date of your death? I guess. I don't know.

[B]

No, no, Time's good. Time's good. I feel like this has come up in a previous conversation, but it's like time makes sense.

[A]

The date thing has, but not compared to the cause.

[B]

I think, yeah, date. Date makes a lot of sense. Just because then I. Then I would know how much time I got left. I can work with that. That can be motivational. And then I started ticking clock, and I'd have a spiraling black and white, you know, spiral behind me at all times. All right, Right.

[A]

Bob, would you rather take food from children or the homeless?

[B]

Wade likes food.

[A]

Can I give both an answer? Can I take food from both?

[C]

Yeah, I would take food from anybody. Would be easier to take from. A homeless person might really need that meal. It might really fight for it. I don't really want to fight. Kids don't know. Kids wouldn't fight back. I could just be like, hey, I'm an adult, so I'd bald. That's an adult thing. Give me your food. They just do it because kids are stupid. Wade would definitely take food from kids.

[B]

See, this is the first one. I disagree, because if you think about it, homeless people are predominantly adults. They need more food per body weight. You would get more food.

[A]

Wade would want more.

[B]

He can get more from homeless people than he would children.

[A]

I like how we just assume the homeless have a lot of food.

[B]

No, but they need more. You know, they need more so, you know, more calories. Kids are hungry around the world, too. You might not.

[C]

You know, there's a solution to that. That more kids.

[A]

That's a. I don't know if that's a positive thought. Is that. That's positive thinking.

[C]

That's how you get. It's an easy solution. That's how you get more food or the.

[B]

Is this food magically Zapping out of the people's hands and going into your mouth.

[C]

I guess I was sort of envisioning it like Wade could teleport. And he's just the guy who shows up as you're about to eat and steals your food out from in front of you. So like, it's just a known phenomenon around the whole world. There's just this guy who's just like, ding, yoink. And he's gone. And everyone's like, oh, it happened again. More.

[A]

Would you rather be a renowned chef or a renowned musician?

[B]

Wade, Chef is a lot of stress. I don't like stress. Could be in a highly competitive, you know, kitchen environment. All these other restaurants that I gotta deal with, hard to make content about, you know, that's. That'd be too much work for me.

[A]

I look up a world renowned chef, you're still worried about making content?

[C]

Of course.

[B]

I'm Wade. You know, always grind every day, bro. You know, you're never going to stop making content. Musician has the potential to be a little easier than chef. And this is successful, right? This is successful, yeah.

[A]

If you're a successful renowned, like, yeah, you, you're at the top of either one.

[B]

I think musician has a higher pay gap. You know, you're going to get the ladies if that matters to Wade, which it does.

[C]

Nice.

[A]

I don't know. Is Wade still married in this scenario? Does it matter in this scenario?

[B]

Either way, a musician.

[A]

Bob, would you rather burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids get a new puppy?

[C]

I'm Mork. I'm Mark. I'm Mork. I'm Mark. I'm Wade. I'm Wade. Wade likes fire. Wady likey the fire. What was the other option? I got completely consumed by the fire. Burn down or something. Or something.

[A]

Burn down an orphanage or watch 10 kids each get a new puppy.

[B]

Who's got time for that?

[C]

Do I get to sit while I'm watching the kids?

[A]

You aren't watch. You aren't babysitting. You just see them receiving a new puppy.

[C]

I'll watch them get puppies, I guess, as long as I don't have to participate or anything.

[B]

If there's some super clever way to look at these questions and how some of them have Too bad or a bad choice. I'm too tired to detect it, man. I'm too tired. I couldn't possibly deduce your game is too smart. You're too genius. You're two steps ahead of me at all turns and there's no way that I can can compete Ever. What a smile. Look at that smile. Sam. Make his smile go for days. That's what we see all the time, everybody. That's what we see all the time. Okay. Oh, God. Sam's not doing that anymore. That's just Wade.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, God, my mouth. Mark, would you rather eat delicious food for the rest of your life at your leisure? Not always just stuff in your face, but at your leisure when you want. Or die of dehydration

[B]

trying to deduce the secret behind this. The truth underneath the layers? Eat delicious food whenever I want. Or literally die? Literally die. A desiccated husk. Liquid removed from my body. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it seems like the food would be the natural conclusion. And it seems like the desiccated corpse that would be me, Wade. Would be the bad end to my storied career as a musician.

[A]

Food.

[B]

Bob, I think there's a secret. I'm not detecting it.

[C]

I definitely have it figured out.

[A]

What is it?

[C]

Oh, I don't want to tell. In case Mark doesn't know, I think I'm winning.

[A]

Bob, would you rather end all terminal illnesses or prevent all future wars?

[C]

All future wars on any planet in

[A]

the universe or all terminal illnesses on all planets in the universe? Sure.

[C]

Both. Is both an option?

[A]

No, but it's a lovely thought.

[C]

It's gotta be terminal illnesses. I guess nobody do any big wars. Making a choice.

[B]

All these healthy people are gonna be fighting.

[C]

Wade's making a choice. Wade's doing it.

[A]

Oh, that's right. That's me. Mark.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Would you rather drink a friend's pee while your friend watches or eat your own shit, but nobody will know?

[B]

Well, wady love pee pee. But wady also love poo poo. What Wadey gonna do? I guess no one'll know.

[A]

No, you will. But just you.

[B]

I pick the P. I pick the P. I don't want to ever do that. I pray that I never have to face that challenge. That particular challenge. I fear. I fear for my future if that is on the horizon.

[A]

Bob, would you rather know something from the future for some pain in your present. Or forget something good from your past for some present boon? You either suffer a little to know something that's coming. Or you get something good for forgetting something good from your past.

[C]

I have no influence over what I forget and what I get to know.

[A]

No.

[C]

I would have to know a thing in the future. I would need it.

[B]

I mean, I feel like that's the right choice. You could glean a lot from even a little bit of a nugget. Of information of the future.

[A]

Mark, would you rather poop and feel like it's happening in reverse or swallow and feel like it's happening in reverse?

[B]

Trying to. Trying to imagine what an inverse poop feels like.

[A]

Like poofing, I guess. Does that help you imagine it?

[B]

No, it doesn't, actually. It doesn't. And this is just once, or is this always?

[A]

We'll say it's every once in a while.

[B]

Oh, it's still. It still actually goes out, right? It doesn't.

[A]

Yeah. And you're still actually swallowing. You just have the sensation of, I guess, vomiting.

[B]

I feel like if it's just the feeling of a reverse poop, that's not that bad. Right? But. But if it feels like vomiting for an inverse swallow, that's not good. I don't like vomiting.

[A]

Okay. Reverse poop.

[B]

Is this a trick? You'd tell me if it was a trick, right?

[A]

Just a question. Would you rather question man?

[B]

All right, I'll take the poop.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I fell into his trap.

[A]

I activated his trap card. All right, Bob, would you rather swap the location of your mouth and penis or your nose and your butthole?

[C]

Whoa. I mean, there's really only one right answer, right?

[B]

Oh, yeah. We're both thinking the same answer.

[C]

There's definitely an answer Wade would pick. Yeah, and it's the right. The right one is nose and butthole. Okay. I think he reacted positively to that. I'm gonna take that as a yes.

[B]

I am not sure how the mouth penis exchange works, because. How do you eat? How long is this curse afflicting you for?

[A]

Forever.

[C]

Oh, I made the right choice. I made the right choice.

[B]

Yeah, because I'm not sure. I'm not sure eating is a particularly. Because it's not like the food would go still in your crotch mouth. Right. It's not going to magically teleport into your esophagus. It's got to shove it in the pee hole.

[C]

Right?

[A]

I was assuming you'd still eat with your mouth, but I guess, you know, you can assume whichever, because that's not clear. If you want to eat through your dickhole, you can.

[B]

No, that wasn't the point I was trying to make. I don't want to do that. I don't wanna.

[A]

That's weird. But, like, I get it.

[B]

No, I don't wanna. I don't wanna. It wasn't even my. Would you rather it was Bob's? I want to point out that was. That was a bowl about Bob. That was Bob's choice.

[A]

Are you Ready for your question mark? Would you rather snuggle one giant dog or snuggle 10 small puppies?

[B]

How giant is giant? Are we talking Clifford?

[A]

Like Clifford?

[B]

Oh, yeah, I pick Clifford. That'd be so crazy. I mean, it'd be scary, but also like, oh, come on. I mean, I've been kicked in the balls by Chica a lot, so one kick from Clifford to my nuts, and I am atomized on the spot. Thanos snapped me out of existence crotch first. But the snuggling would be great.

[A]

I mean, puppies are really cute, but, like, getting to snuggle into, like, a giant, warm dog does sound lovely. All right, Bob, would you rather have to eat the flesh off of your own leg or see the people you love succeed in life?

[C]

What was the first one?

[A]

Have to eat the flesh of your own leg.

[C]

Okay, that's what I thought you said. Oh, that's a tough one. Oh, really? Got a lot of back and forth going along inside. I've seen a lot of angles. I guess I'd have to go with see all my loved ones succeed in life. I guess that's a really close call.

[B]

This guy. This guy. Come on, man. Rookie mistake, buddy. Rookie mistake.

[A]

Mark, would you rather be able to speak and understand any language or constantly re. Break every bone in your body?

[B]

You know, that's a lot of languages, a lot of pressure. Oh, they got so many bones. How many languages could there possibly be?

[A]

At least one.

[B]

I'll pick the languages.

[A]

Okay, that's fine. We got through a pretty good amount of things. Any final thoughts before I go into points?

[B]

I yearn for the comfort of sleep.

[A]

Umweid, Mark, you got points for. You're a big deal now with GoPro. You chose to lose a leg, have all fingers, make happy kids. I think someone your dream job, be a serial killer. Choose the know the date of your death, be a renowned musician. Two bad. Oh, oh, okay. I'll read that one in a minute. Delicious food, pee while your friend watches. Reverse poop, snuggle a giant dog. And no languages. And then I wrote down a point for two bad options. Oh, Bob, you got a point for swoopy clam. You've had a long day. You used to cut your own hair. You chose skin cream. You said, remember a scomrade, which I don't remember what that's in reference to. You chose to drown cats or kittens. You would take $10 million. You would feed the hungry. You'd have a pebble in your shoe. You'd take food from kids. You'd watch 10 kids get puppies. You'd end terminal illnesses. You would rather know something from the future for a present pain. You'd swap your nose in your butthole, and you'd see your loved ones succeed.

[C]

Sure, Sure.

[A]

I got one point for being so smart.

[C]

Sounds right to me, smart guy.

[A]

Mark, you have 15. Bob, you have 15. We're currently tied. Well, I've got one, so 15, 15 to one.

[B]

So we're not tied. There's one very clear loser.

[A]

Is it me?

[B]

I don't know. We'll see after the wheels spin.

[A]

I'm gonna throw out there. There was a way to instantly win this episode, and you both got very close to it a couple of times. Bob, you said something, I think, like, halfway through Mark, when you said, sometimes there's two bad options. The game was. I had good options where they were both good, Bad options where they were both bad. Okay. Ones that made you think, and then completely nonsensical ones where there was a very obvious answer. And I kept rotating you guys. I started Mark with bad, then went to okay, then good. Bob, you were good. Okay, then bad. And then you both had nonsensical at the same time. And then I would restart the process. If any of you guessed the game at any point point, you just won. And you both started to touch on it at different times. And I was like. And then you didn't. I was like, all right, we'll just keep going.

[B]

That makes sense. I see, I see, I see.

[A]

So that was the secret game that I thought you guys could have won. I was like, I think it was like 28 minutes in. One of you said something. I was like, elaborate. You want to say more? And, Bob, at one point, I think I even was like, do you want to guess the game, Bob? And you're like, no, no, I'll keep it a secret. I was like, all right.

[C]

You did say that.

[A]

Yeah. Mark, you said two bad options. And I was like, like. And then you're. You're like, never mind. Never mind. I was like, okay. So there were a couple times where I really thought you guys were gonna do it.

[B]

Damn shame.

[A]

We spin this first, right? So, yeah, I spend this one. We'll see how many spins we get.

[B]

Yeah, we sure do.

[A]

I was like, what do I add to the wheel?

[B]

Four.

[A]

That doesn't seem right.

[C]

Three. My lord. Ah.

[A]

Oh, good. An even number for a tied game.

[B]

Interesting. I like that. I like that.

[C]

Also, I'm not forgetting that I was gonna to decide the points thing at the. I realized that I'm competing against Mark. So I'll save that for when I'm the host.

[B]

Oh, come on. You promised.

[C]

You promised. I did promise, but my promises mean nothing.

[B]

Unfair.

[C]

Shit.

[B]

What? Do I have to flip?

[A]

Oh, God. That means we have to flip.

[C]

Oh, fucking come on.

[A]

Okay, well, if it's unfair, Bob has to give out points.

[B]

Now, I have the tiny magnet for GoPro. It's got one side, says GoPro, and it's. It's pretty flat and even. So that'll be my chord.

[A]

If it's doubly fair, then what? Bob gets to.

[C]

I get to give out extra points?

[B]

No, it's. It's never made doubly. Wait, no, sorry. If it's unfair, he has to change it. Yeah. Double. Double fair means I never get a

[A]

point from Bob ever again. Or just from this?

[C]

I assume he means from this.

[A]

Yes. This can make Bob's episodes really boring if we just know Wade wins. Which one's heads, unfair or doubly fair?

[C]

What is that?

[B]

This would be the heads, the one with the label on it. And because tails is empty.

[C]

So I think Wade and I both got tails.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's nothing then. All right, fine.

[A]

That's good, because I still didn't know which one was which.

[C]

All right, what do you want to add, Wade?

[A]

Most recent haircut gets a point. Is that already on here?

[B]

Probably not.

[C]

I don't think so, but there are a lot of them. Most recent haircut, and we get two spins. Come on. Spin number one. Most distracted.

[A]

You guys are both pretty locked in today.

[B]

I have no other tabs open. For the first time in ages, I was, like, the most focused.

[C]

So, Yeah, I don't either. I didn't, like, look anything up today or anything.

[A]

Just re spin it. We'll call it re spin. Because I don't. I don't think either of you seem distracted.

[B]

Oh, cool.

[C]

Most small talk.

[B]

That was definitely me. Yeah, Bob. I don't even think he had much small talk.

[C]

I didn't really get a chance to do small talk.

[A]

You're like, oh, mine's all over. Well, I thought you did, but, yeah,

[B]

there's got to be a point for Bob here.

[C]

Surprise. Golf rules.

[A]

That mean I win or no? Well, no. No, you guys. So that means no.

[C]

But you have a point.

[B]

No, you have a point.

[C]

You're on the board. You're one over par, and Mark and I are way over.

[A]

You know what? I'll take it.

[B]

Damn. We haven't had golf rules in a long time. Damn.

[A]

Do you guys want to give a quick, quick together loser speech.

[C]

Some time

[B]

of.

[C]

Okay, the delay is too much delay.

[A]

I'm in another country, man. I don't think it's gonna work.

[C]

I don't feel very good about it. Mark, how do you feel about it?

[B]

You feel bad?

[A]

I feel bad.

[C]

Bad.

[B]

This is the worst outcome. I am gonna go cry into my pillow and then probably sleep. But, you know, mostly crying.

[C]

Yeah, I don't feel good about it either. I didn't see that coming. I thought we played the game pretty well, even though we didn't figure it out at all. And I thought it was a great fight and then just swooped out from under both of us.

[B]

So you do.

[C]

I mean, congrats to Wade though, or something. Something congrat. Congratulations.

[A]

You both did well. You played along the very baseline rules of the game. You came close to figuring it out, but you didn't. And karma, you both decided to. Instead of taking responsibility for your choices, putting me in there and making me make those choices for you. And because I was the bigger man and made all of the choices on your behalf according to the way you guys played. I deserve this. And I will host again. You thought two out of three was pretty good. How about Wade hosting three out of four? See you in the next one. If you haven't already. Check out these guys. Mark a markiplier Bob at my skirm me at minion 7 Lord Main 777 there's merch distractible dot shop, I think. Keep an eye on that. There'll be stuff watch Distractable. I'm promoting that on distractible. Why? Because we don't promote it enough. So make us promote it elsewhere. Sam, thanks for being a good sport and doing all those edits. Or none of them. See you in the next one. Until then, podcast out.

[B]

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