King of the Friend Zone

Summary

Podcast Summary: Distractible – "King of the Friend Zone"

Release Date: November 21, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (Mark), Wade Barnes (Wade), Bob Muyskens (Bob)

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Overview

In this lighthearted and competitive episode, Bob hosts "King of the Friend Zone," challenging Mark and Wade to develop new, unconventional greeting cards for awkward or underrepresented life moments. The conversation, steeped in the trio’s signature blend of sarcasm and genuine friendship, includes plenty of side stories: from winter struggles, home lab building, and bitcoin mining, to reflections on adulting, friend-zoning, and their perpetually shifting competitive score system. The episode’s energy is kept high with elaborate bits, silly competitions, conversational detours, and their ever-complicated point-and-wheel system.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Point System Shenanigans and Coin Flips

Timestamps: 03:37 – 06:00

• Bob opens by awarding points for who listens and responds first, leading to a debate about fair point allocation.
• Wade contests the fairness, initiating the first coin flip of the episode to decide point distribution, leading to Mark’s “double fair” win.
  • Notable quote:
    “Well, now that that is made doubly fair, Mark has received his extra super fair double fair points for listening like a good boy.” (A/Bob, 05:44)

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2. Winter Woes and Life Chores

Timestamps: 06:04 – 07:22

• All three discuss the sudden onset of winter: unexpected snow, un-shoveled leaves, and the struggle of dog-walking in the cold.
• They're united in their griping about Ohio's unpredictably bad weather.
  • Quote:
    “Literally this past week... Oh, fuck. The yard's all fucked with leaves. All right now... And then it fucking snowed.” (A/Bob, 06:24)

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3. Tech Tangents: Render Farms & Home Labs

Timestamps: 07:24 – 12:12

• Mark shares a lengthy update on his render farm, including a passionate rant about error correcting RAM and server optimization.
• Bob expresses excitement for building his own home lab, while Wade is confused about the term “home lab”.
  • Quote:
    “I'm going to home lab, guys. I'm going to do home lab... and probably compromise the security of my entire home network... But it's always fun.” (A/Bob, 11:36)
  • Bob on elaborate home labs:
    “He went in there like, 'Yeah, this is where I check the weather...’ but... it was like this room, but full of server racks, like bigger than my render farm.” (B/Mark, 12:33)

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4. Bitcoin Mining and Meta-Mineshafts

Timestamps: 13:08 – 15:52

• Bob describes a “lottery” style bitcoin mining gadget—fun but useless.
• Wade and Mark riff on the idea of mining cryptocurrency in actual mineshafts, referencing the Ghost Town Living YouTube channel in Cerro Gordo.
  • Quote:
    “That dude is definitely hosting like terabytes of P2P, like movie downloads... He's doing something where he's like, let's not talk about that.” (A/Bob, 12:55)

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5. Card Game Segment: Greeting Cards for Unusual Occasions

Timestamps: 17:30 – 35:38

A. Midlife Crisis Card

• Mark: “Not so bald” on front, open to find a spring-loaded bag of hair—plus a Spongebob soundbite (“my eyes!”).
• Wade: “So you’re having a midlife crisis...” with art of a crashed Corvette and “expectations vs reality.”
  • Memorable moment: Wade’s suggestion is both hilarious and dark, prompting the group to embrace cards that “give a person pause.”

B. Breakup (Deleting Ex's Streaming Profile)

• Wade creates a card based on the distracted boyfriend meme, with customizable name tags and an account deletion punchline.
• Mark: “Netflix and pills, which you now have to take, and Netflix and thrills, which you’ll never have again. Congrats.”
  • Quote:
    “Netflix and lost your will to live.” (C/Wade, 25:19)

C. Post House Arrest Card

• Mark: Congratulations card with a hidden air tag chirp device to evoke paranoia.
• Wade: Card locked by a magnetic handcuff, which ‘breaks’ as you open it, revealing “but you paid the price. Congrats on freedom.”
  • Quote:
    “Congrats on finally being free... now no one is watching you, but you hear that little air tag chirp...” (B/Mark, 27:40)

D. Friend Zone-iversary Card

• Wade: “Chastity belt” card with nonfunctional keys—“You tried. Denied.” This idea brings the house down.
• Mark, after floundering: A card with a line of people leading across a globe—“I know you’d wait in line forever for me. Thanks for being my friend.”
  • Quote:
    “I just had a great idea and I had to share it... Ultimate friend zone.” (C/Wade, 32:44)

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6. Bits, Banter, and Wheel of Fate

Timestamps: 35:38 – 43:00

• Bob hands out points based on participation, ideas, and how hard each bit lands.
• Wheel spins (the show’s comedic reward mechanic) determine final points, bringing tension as scores bounce.
• Wade clinches a win by a hair due to a late-game wheel spin, after the fairness is amplified and Mark’s early lead crumbles.

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7. Reflections on Tracking and Relationships

Timestamps: 29:29 – 31:01

• The trio discusses the practice of sharing phone locations with their spouses for convenience and safety, noting changing attitudes about privacy and tech in relationships.
  • Mark: “My location has been shared constantly for years... it's always been a no brainer because if I'm coming back from somewhere, you can see if I suddenly stop...”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “This is just not my season. It’s just not my season.” – Wade (05:35)
• “Home lab’s going to be garbage. It’s never going to work.” – Bob (11:53)
• “Netflix and lost your will to live.” – Wade (25:19)
• “You tried. Denied.” – Wade’s ultimate friend zone card (32:34)
• “It's so painfully fair.” – Bob (36:26)
• “Congrats on finally being free... now no one is watching you, but you hear that little air tag chirp…” – Mark (27:40)
• “You guys do this? Actually, total sidebar. A real distractible moment here. You guys share your locations constantly with your spouses?” – Mark (29:29)

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Final Scores & Winner

• Wade: 9 points
• Mark: 8 points

After a series of wheel spins, fairness amplifiers, and convoluted coin flips, Wade ultimately wins the episode, earning the right to host the next one. Mark delivers a gracious (and mildly salty) loser’s speech, and Bob signs off with appreciation and anticipation for the chaos sure to follow.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |-----------------------------------------------|--------------| | Snow, Weather & Winter Talk | 06:04–07:22 | | Render Farm / Home Lab Discussions | 07:24–12:12 | | Bitcoin Mining & Ghost Town Living | 13:08–15:52 | | Card Game Begins (Midlife Crisis Card) | 19:48–22:40 | | Breakup / Ex’s Netflix Card | 22:54–25:44 | | House Arrest Card | 27:10–29:29 | | Friend Zone-iversary Card | 32:16–34:39 | | Wheel Spins, Point Wrangling, Winner Declared | 35:38–43:40 |

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Tone and Style

The tone is irreverent, self-deprecating, and full of playful competitiveness. The episode is peppered with bits, callbacks to previous inside jokes, and genuine moments of friendship and creative banter. The hosts maintain a relaxed, sometimes absurd, conversation that feels as much like a private hangout as a podcast recording.

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In Summary

“King of the Friend Zone” is a prime example of Distractible’s appeal: three friends trading absurd life stories, inventing silly games, and refusing to take themselves (or their invented competitive structure) seriously. The episode’s greatest strengths are in the team’s quick wit, willingness to run with any bit, and ability to balance roasting each other with palpable camaraderie.

Not to be missed:

• The best greeting card ideas you’ll never find in a store.
• Wade’s “chastity belt” card pitch.
• Mark’s commitment to being “so painfully fair”.
• Bob’s struggle to keep the group (and the point system) on track.

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For listeners who missed it:
This episode is perfect for fans of offbeat humor, creative improv, and the peculiar everyday lives of three online friends. No need to have followed earlier episodes to jump right in and enjoy the chaos!

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. The holidays bring people home. Facebook brings people together. From spontaneous messages that lead to overdue catch ups to finding new communities and friends to go on tangents with. Like in your favorite podcast Facebook group on Facebook, a little connection goes a long way. Especially the night before Thanksgiving.

[C]

Facebook is the only way I keep track of like a lot of my family members around the holidays. We're all like nostalgic and remembering like the time that we could all fit under or. And so we all reach out like, oh, have these stories and such. Which is actually really, really nice.

[A]

But you know what's even better than that? Things. Facebook Marketplace is my favorite. But it's even more fun when I have to go visit my stupid parents around the holidays and I can pull up Facebook Marketplace and see what's for sale around their house.

[C]

I caught up with a friend I hadn't talked to.

[B]

What'd you buy?

[C]

A few moments of their time.

[B]

You had to pay for that? Lame. Let's reconnect this holiday season with.

[A]

This.

[B]

Episode is brought to you by Monster Ultra.

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[B]

This episode of Distractable is presented by T mobile 5G home Internet. Okay, how do you guys know when someone's really your friend?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[A]

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[D]

Listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, bit Mining Bob is bagging up home labs, does derelict shafts, then creates cards with the cads. Magnified Marc air rams, bathroom, baits Wade and rambles to righteousness. Wireless Wade snubs, snow, snores, forgets he podcasts, goes grisly, masterfully memes, and brilliantly belts up from hard listening to painful clinching. Yes, it's time for King of the Friend Zone. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[A]

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. That's right, you accidentally listened to this podcast yet again. Don't worry, you have plenty of time to turn it off before stuff happens. If you've never seen the show before, I'm your host because I won the last episode and the two people competed to win this episode and host the next one, as always, will be Mark and Wade. Say hi, boys.

[B]

Hi, boys.

[C]

Hello.

[A]

Mark gets a point for listening.

[C]

I knew the times I do. It doesn't matter what time Mark does.

[B]

Oh, does something seem a little to you? Does it seem a little to you?

[A]

Huh?

[C]

Oh, it does, but I'm not going.

[B]

To point at stake, you feel a little. It's unfair.

[A]

Whoa.

[C]

All right.

[A]

He did was a bit, but he just did it.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Wade has declared that Mark getting points for listening is unfair. Yes.

[B]

I didn't even realize I got a point for that. Oh, okay. Yeah, that does seem okay. I thought he just acknowledged me.

[C]

No, he gave you a point.

[A]

You listened. You said, hi, Bo. Anyway, so all three heads. Wade is correct and Mark will not get a point for listening. And Wade will get a point for not listening. I guess. Yes. All three tails markets bonus points for listening. And nothing happens if this mixed. Ready, Set. I dropped my coin. Fucking shit.

[B]

Tails.

[C]

Oh, no.

[A]

Does that count as a flip or do I flip it? I dropped it and it's tails on the floor. Does that count as a flip or do I re flip it?

[B]

You got a triangle of fairness up into the screen. But remember, it's surface side up, so you'd have to show it backwards.

[C]

Wait, doesn't that mean. Is it tails mean Mark is two points.

[A]

This is my tails. It's a lion. The lion is tails.

[B]

Mark gets a bonus point. I baited him into getting me a point. This is A great episode. I hope it's nice and short and that we can end soon.

[C]

This is just not my season. It's just not my season.

[A]

Not your life, buddy. I win.

[C]

And I'm not really the winner. The listeners are the winner. It's just. This is not my season.

[A]

All right, well, now that that is made doubly fair, Mark has received his extra super fair double fair points for listening like a good boy. Yeah, they're competing to win. I said the stuff. I'm the host. Yeah, whatever. Small talk. How's it going there, fellers? How are we doing? Snow. It did snow. It snowed.

[B]

You know, I heard about this.

[A]

There's snow on the ground outside and it's. It's too cold.

[C]

Oh, it already had to shovel places so the dogs could go out.

[B]

It's why I saw pictures of this where you had the fall leaves only just really getting underway and then ice and snow.

[A]

Literally this past week, I was like, oh, the leaves changed. Oh, fuck. The yard's all fucked with leaves. All right now. And I like yesterday or like two days ago, I was like, I got a rake. I got to get out and rake or it's going to be. And then it fucking snowed.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's fun.

[A]

To be fair. It is November. It's almost the middle of November. So, like, that is kind of the right time for snow almost, but also, like three weeks ago, it was 80 fucking degrees outside, so.

[C]

Also true.

[A]

Thanks, Ohio.

[C]

Some of the leaves that have landed, like, on the driveway and the sidewalk. So it wasn't quite like, enough snow where it like, stuck to the sidewalk and the driveway, but where the leaves were, the snow landed on the leaves. So there's just like leaf shaped piles of snow all over the sidewalk and driveway because we have, like, some of the bigger leaves or whatever. So there's just like little pockets of handfuls of leaves with piles of snow.

[A]

All over the place and it looks really weird. That's really funny. Yeah.

[C]

Snow. It's cold.

[B]

I hate it. So I have a render farm update. It's not going to be exciting.

[C]

I'll take a nap immediately.

[B]

Uh, so in my experience, I have had many ups and downs with the render farm, especially in terms of, like, how to get the computers in there, what format. And I'm circling back to this crazy thing that's gonna make a lot of people mad.

[A]

Clover salts.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

Okay. Don't even need it.

[A]

I've.

[B]

I've very much become like, no water cooling at all unless it's like an all in one. And even then I would rather have an air cooler because it's just going to be consistent at least I guess that the fan fails. But usually you can have two on them. I was so proud of my ability to go on ebay and find these crate Wade. Nah, it's fine. I was so proud of my ability to go on ebay, you know, much like the Cincinnati Bengals.

[A]

I was just going to write a sign that said Wade loses a point for every minute he sleeps while Mark talks. So. God damn it.

[B]

Anyway, so I did not know this, but you know the intel chip that everyone seemed to not review very well that I've been like, it's actually very good. They make a workstation grade motherboard for that that takes error correcting RAM and it's the same fucking price as a normal, well, a high end, but a high end normal desktop motherboard. And why this is huge is error correcting RAM is very important on a server, especially if we're running a long time is because when it's doing calculations that are very precise, it needs to not have wrong numbers in memory. That leads to bad issues and it's. There's a lot of reasons why it would happen, why it doesn't happen, but error correcting RAM corrects it and so it makes it really, really uncommon for those to happen. But it's also stupendously cheaper than the. Even the discounted server hardware I was getting online, it is stupendous and it's more power efficient and it's like, and I look at it, I was like, ah, what was I fucking thinking with this stupid render farm? So yeah, I'm going to be overhauling it because now that iron lung is wrapping up, I'm going to, I'm going to get it out of my bathroom.

[C]

I'm going get it out of the.

[B]

Bathroom and then I'm going to move it so that it could be. Because it was always a stop gap. It was always like, this is urgent. I got to do this right here in this bathroom. There's no other place to do it apparently. And then, you know, then one thing led to another. But I'm going to be moving it, I'm going to be selling stuff and then I'm going to convert it to a much more optimized streamline. And this is once again where I'm like, people like, again, you just don't be loyal to AMD or Intel. Buy what is useful in the moment and holy, I can like they're so discounted because no one wants to get them because the two frames per second it gets less than the other ones. Who cares? It is such a good productivity chip. It's so good. I'm doing overhaul of that, so I got some computer parts coming in.

[A]

Well, that's fun.

[B]

It's very fun. I've already sold a couple things back, so technically I'm up. Except I paid for them before, so I'm down. But you know.

[A]

But you got that money back. Full price, I'm sure.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

[A]

Wait, are you slowly drooping off the bottom of your shot or is that just me? You look.

[C]

Oh, I might be. I don't know. I was drawing us. I drew us.

[B]

Oh, wait a minute. I must be far away. I'm really far away.

[A]

I like overall, I mean, it's funny because I'm saying that I was bitching last episode about moving. Whenever we cut this recording, I have to just move my desk into I'm not sure what boxes, whatever I can find and take it over to the other house. Holy fuck, am I not excited for that? But I love when you get a new thing as a, as a computer nerd. I'm really excited right now because I have an old laptop that I've been like, what do I do with it? It still works. I'm going to home lab, guys. I'm going to do home lab. You get my own. My own n. Gonna get my. I have my, my, my, my videos hosted on a server.

[B]

Plex.

[A]

Server.

[B]

You're gonna get a plex.

[A]

I'm gonna plex it up, bro. I'm gonna get plex so good. Whoa.

[C]

I don't know what the hell you're saying.

[A]

I'm gonna get a set up a home VPN and probably compromise. The security of my entire home network is gonna be sick. I mean, I'll figure it out once some bad habits. But it's always fun. Like I'm gonna be really. I'm not a good computer engineer person. I'm going to be terrible. My home lab's going to be garbage. It's never going to work.

[C]

The hell's a home lab?

[A]

It's just like a server. You just use an old computer. You just run a home server. But there's lots of different little things you could do with it to where like you could have your own ad blocker on your whole network. I'm not going to do that because I don't mind the ads because that's how I make money on the Internet.

[B]

But There's a video. Wait. If you want to really not know what is going on and also judge someone for spending a lot of money on something that isn't necessarily useful. There's this guy with like an incredible home lab. Like it's in a separate room in his basement that's noise proof, its own H vac, a whole power system just for that, from the solar panel to the batteries. And he went in there like, yeah, this is where I check the weather is where I keep the weather reports that I check.

[A]

This is.

[C]

It's like that's.

[B]

He might be not saying what he's really doing there, but it seemed like really mundane. It was like this room, but full of server racks, like bigger than my render farm.

[A]

That dude is definitely hosting like terabytes of P2P, like movie downloads type stuff. He's doing something where he's like, let's not talk about that.

[B]

But I think his job is actually doing kind of server maintenance.

[C]

So maybe he's mining for bitcoin.

[A]

Oh, speaking of bitcoin mining, I'm not ever going to invest in that, but I did see a little thing that's really fun. It's just, it's literally just like a gidgety gadget that's never going to do anything. But they make these little. I forget what they're called specifically, but it's basically like a little Raspberry PI, like a very small computer set up to mine bitcoin. But it's a, it's an all or nothing mining thing. So it's kind of like gambling. The way the way mining usually works is your, your hardware, along with tons of other people's hardware are solving this one problem and then you get a fraction of a fraction of whatever the fee was. Right? So like you're sharing with, I don't even know, dozens, hundreds, thousands of other people. So that's why you mine tiny, tiny little bits. This one thing like finds a specific blockchain, whatever transaction, and tries to solve the whole thing all by itself. And if it does, you get the whole fee, which can be substantially more than what you. But like it's never gonna do that. Never in a million years is that gonna happen. But it's fun. You could like I just. You sit on your desk and you watch it and like maybe one day it'll be like, oh, you got half a bitcoin, congrats.

[C]

Or I don't know, isn't a bit.

[A]

Worth a lot, 50 grand, 60 grand? Something like. It would. Yes, it would be Quite a lot. I don't think that's very realistic. But it's. It's a toy, right? It's just a little gadget. But it's fun because you're kind of like, maybe it'll hit. It won't, but maybe it will.

[B]

Yeah, Wade, I know it probably sounded dismissive when I said, you asked mining boom. I said no, it's just because the bitcoin mining things now are like, building sized.

[C]

Oh, I've seen some pictures of people that have just like. Yeah, like a mine shaft full of nothing but computers.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It's kind of crazy, dude.

[A]

That would be so meta. A mineshaft bitcoin mine.

[C]

There was literally an image I saw where it looked like that.

[A]

That dude who lives in Cerro Gordo should make one of the abandoned mineshafts into a bitcoin mine. That'd be so fun. Do you know that YouTube channel?

[B]

I don't know the guy in Cerro Gordo, no.

[A]

Cerro Gordo. Cerro Gordo is a town outside of San Francisco. It's like one of the old, old mining towns. It was abandoned and like five years ago, this d bought it super cheap from like the state or the county or whatever. He.

[C]

A whole town.

[A]

A whole town filled with houses and buildings built a century or more ago. But he just moved out there and has been living in. I think it's called Ghost Town Living is a YouTube channel. I think we've talked about it before. I think I've talked about it before on this. It's fascinating, but he has a bunch of mine shafts and stuff and he goes down and actually the explores them because the main elevator still functions and. But he should have a bitcoin mineshaft. That would be so meta, dude.

[B]

It would be. It would be.

[C]

How much did he buy a whole town for?

[A]

Not very much. It was literally like an abandoned plot of land on the top of a mountain that's impossible to get to. And the buildings are not worth the crappy old rotted out wood that they're built with. Like, like, it's. It's a fascinating journey that he's on. And like, he's built a new hotel and he's like. He's hosted people to come and hang out, but it's not. There's like no. No running water, no electricity. It was like he bought an empty plot of land in the mountains that nobody wanted. So it was not terribly expensive, I don't think. But also, it was a long time ago, so I don't remember that's fair. But he could do that. That'd be so funny. That's one one YouTube videos worth of content right there for free.

[C]

Anyway, I. I forgot we were recording. I thought we were just chatting. I kind of forgot about the whole episode thing.

[B]

Yeah. We do a podcast. Yeah.

[A]

It is kind of like we hang out. It's fun to hang out. That's kind of. Kind of what's going on here.

[B]

It does happen.

[C]

Yeah. There's. There's times where I just get so caught up in what we're doing, I kind of forget that it's. This episode is brought to you by Uber. You know that feeling when someone shows up for you when you need it most?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

We all need that sometimes. And Uber knows that. Uber isn't just a ride or a meal delivered. It's showing up no matter what.

[B]

I think that might be them knocking on the door. And because they're, you know, Uber's really good about getting them right to where you are. To them or the FBI. I'm not 100% sure.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

When it really matters, whatever it is, you show up or there's a will. We're on our way. Uber on our way. Download the app today.

[A]

Well, do you guys want to play a game?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. You guys heard of vayne new, like zombie survival game?

[B]

No. Sounds cool. Vain.

[C]

Yeah. I think. Is it V A I n or V E I? I think. Is it V E I N V A N E?

[B]

How pretty are these zombies?

[C]

V E I n like a blood vein. I want to check it. I've not got to play it yet. I'm gonna check it out.

[B]

Reminds me of gtfo.

[A]

Oh, that was a fun one.

[B]

This is a thief simulator style zombie game.

[A]

Right. You got big into GTFO for a minute. I remember that.

[B]

I did, Yeah.

[C]

I think it's been described as like a first person zomboid.

[A]

Well, Project Zomboid is really difficult, so that's sounds like the kind of thing Mark might get into.

[B]

I tried it. I did an episode where it ends when I died and I lasted about an hour.

[C]

That's not bad for a first attempt. I think it's supposed to be a hard game, Right.

[A]

I think people die pretty fast usually, don't they?

[B]

I was destined to die like 10 minutes in, but it was a slow, like withering away kind of death. And then I got chased down and eaten. Yeah. So did not go well.

[C]

Yeah, I would like to play that.

[A]

No, we're going to play my game, which is probably way worse than that because I invented it. I was. The other day was Mandy's dad's birthday and we were going out to dinner and we had to go and pick out a card. And by which I mean I let James run around and generally tried to keep him in an area that made sense and let him pick a card. Picked a card with dogs on it. It was very cute. Said something like, you can teach an old dog new tricks or, you know, something like that. Greeting cardsy, very generic, but the picture was cute. And I was like, man, there are a lot of cards here, but they're all for like the same three things. There's like the birthday cards, there's like the whatever seasonal holiday cards, and then there's like get well soon cards. There are a lot of other occasions that you might want to send someone a card for. So today I want you guys to help me come up with some ideas for greeting cards that you could send. For some of these occasions that I have put down onto my list here, I want to just brainstorm and you know, your idea earns points or whatever. This is not birthdays and shit. This is like unusual ones, but I think that they'll be useful potentially.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And what I want to start with is I want a card that you send someone when they start having their midlife crisis. This is like a congratulations on your midlife crisis greeting card or something. Can be anything. We live in a world where I can take any picture I want or I can buy stock photography and get things printed. So the world, the world is your oyster.

[B]

Got it. Mark on the front, right?

[A]

Uh huh.

[B]

It's not so bald. You open it up, packet of hair stapled inside. Like you can have it as a keepsake.

[A]

So it's like.

[B]

And it can pop out at YouTube.

[A]

Be like, here it's on like a spring. You open it and the hair is just like boing, boing.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then it's got a sound bite in there, but it's that guy from spongebob going, my eyes, my eyes.

[C]

To go bald in their midlife crisis. You can just be bald.

[A]

Or it's that the crisis is not because of the bald, but that is. I feel like a lot of people will like get hair transplants because they're having a midlife crisis and they're like, I can't be bald, I can't stay like this. I don't think you have to do that. I think some people look really good with a fully shaved head.

[C]

Yeah. So I had a different idea so you remember, like the old Captain America. So you're having a midlife crisis.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

So it doesn't have Captain America, but it says, so you're having a midlife crisis. And it shows. Like, I don't know, a middle aged guy, maybe full head of hair, but graying or bald. And then like, I don't know, like a strapping model in the front seat of like a Corvette convertible going down like a nice gold paved road. And then you open it up and the Corvettes crashed it on fire and there's bodies on the ground. It just says, expectations versus reality.

[B]

You're going to die.

[A]

Is that a threat or it just.

[C]

Says expectations versus reality.

[A]

It just has that. That gives a threatening aura to me.

[C]

Yeah, don't go through it. Don't do it.

[A]

Don't get the hair transplants. Or maybe I see what you're going for. Little. Little ominous, little threatening.

[B]

You could kind of read that as opening. As, like, it's already over. You know, you might as well accept that, you know, the inevitability of your demise, it could happen at any moment, you know, so why even try?

[C]

I was really dark. Why is my so dark?

[A]

Hey, they're allowed to be dark. I'm looking for interesting. You know, I want the person who gets these cards to open them up and. And it's gonna make them think, it's gonna make them feel. It's not just like, you know, because a lot of. I appreciate when people get you a card for an occasion, but a lot of times it's like, oh, and I got your card. Oh, no. Oh, because there's a camel. Oh, thanks. And that's it. And it's like, I want this. I want this card to give a person pause. So dark is fine. Dark is allowed.

[B]

I want to stop them dead in their tracks.

[C]

See, I'm the kind of card shopper who either doesn't do it at all, or if it's not in the first five cards I picked, I pick one of those cards anyway.

[A]

So you're saying you're a thoughtful card buyer?

[B]

No.

[C]

Hate gifts. Hate cards.

[A]

All right, well, I have another one. This one. This one maybe is not so specific as what the example I want to give, but like a card with this vibe. Congrats on deleting your ex's Netflix profile. Right? Like, it doesn't have to specifically be Netflix, but that thing, right? Like, yeah, you deleted your ex's user profile off your whatever thing, Right? Like that sort of. I want a card for that vibe. Because I Feel like that in the modern world, that's kind of a step. Right when you're going through the process of a breakup. If you were close enough with this person that they have profiles on your. Whatever. Deleting those, big deal. I've got it can be a whole thing.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[C]

All right, so you know the meme of, like, the guy walking with the girl is looking over his shoulder at the other girl passing. Sure, it's that, but the. The person who's, like, turned, looking around has, like, a name tag is like, hi, my name is. But it's blank, so you can fill it in. So that way, with whoever your ex is, you can write their name on that. Like, the person looking at the other person. And you open it up, and it's the girl who was, like, mad that the dude was looking at the other guy, looking at, like, a Netflix account and has that name on the name tag. You write it in again, and it shows them going to delete profile with, like, a bucket of popcorn and smiling.

[A]

It's convoluted, but it's memes, which I like, and I feel like it does deliver the message, which I appreciate. I thought it was gonna get way worse. I think you built it up. Like you. There was gonna be more threats of violence or death or something.

[C]

No, no. Not everything could be violent on fire.

[A]

I. I'm just a little off balance. But, like, I. I like that. That's good. That works.

[C]

Midlife crisis, full of flames.

[A]

Midlife crisis, basically dead soon. Breakups, casual.

[C]

They happen. They happen.

[B]

Okay, I'm going to combine mine with the midlife crisis as well.

[A]

Sure, sure. That can happen.

[C]

It happened.

[B]

So on the front is, like, Netflix and chill. Overrated, right? You open up. How about Netflix and bills that you still have to pay. Netflix and Hills, which are already over. Netflix and pills, which you now have to take. And Netflix and Thrills, which you'll never have again. Congrats.

[C]

Netflix. That killed the vibe. Netflix and lost your will to live.

[A]

I feel like. Yeah, I feel like that's one. There is a situation for that, but maybe that's someone that you're trying to sort of send a message.

[B]

You're trying to get them to delete your profile.

[A]

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

[B]

Or uninstall. You know, Netflix, like, stop using my account. We're never going to get back together.

[A]

I think those are both usable. Don't tell Mandy. That was one of my categories. I am not secretly considering breaking up with her. I just. You like to have stuff in the back pocket. You know, so we're all married now, so this is all theoretical.

[C]

A lot of relationships end at, like, the end of the honeymoon phase. Is your midlife crisis just the end of your life's honeymoon phase? Maybe.

[A]

I don't know. I haven't thought about it a lot, but it always struck me as, like, the point where you realize, like, as you approach your midlife crisis in your, like, late 30s, whatever, 40s, whenever it hits, usually that's the point where you. You start to sort of, like, your knees start to hurt and, like, your. Or your back hurts or, like, right, You're. You're, like, getting old enough that you're like, oh, my body is starting to fail me.

[B]

Right?

[A]

So I thought I always associated it with, like, you've realized you're going to die. Now you're coping with mortality by freaking the fuck out and buying a sports car or whatever. But it could be. It could be more connected to, like, the honeymoon phase because, I don't know. As millennials, we've had a lot of shit happen already pretty early in our lives, but maybe it's not supposed to be like that for other generations.

[B]

Who knows? Honestly, like, there's no way to actually ever know.

[C]

Tell us about your midlife crises in the comments.

[A]

Yeah, if you're having a midlife crisis, I want to hear about it. Let me know what cool stuff you got going on. I'll be there soon, I assume.

[B]

Maybe we're already there.

[A]

This. This one is sort of the last in a series of events for which you might want to send a card, but I feel like this one is one that's hard to find for. And I want a card for happy last day under house arrest. Or like, happy conclusion of your court mandated house arrest. Something, something to go for that. Right? So you send. You send, like, you know, a gift card to Topgolf and a card that says, congrats. You can go to Topgolf now. You know, something cool.

[B]

I got it. Okay. So this is niche. This is if, you know, it could be anybody, anybody gives it to you, but you just got free, the bracelet's off. You get this car. It's like, congrats on finally being free. You open it, it says, now no one is watching you, but you hear that little air tag chirp. It's got a sound there. So you hear the air tag go up. And then once you open it, it will always go off until the battery. Yeah, yeah, it'll stay on you. Even if you close it again, it.

[A]

Won'T stop that's right. They have to be really spread out though. Like there has to be a delay on the first chirp, even threatening.

[C]

I like that similar vibe on the front as far as like you have a person like sitting, I don't know, in a dark room on a chair with like maybe like the TV light flashing on their face, just looking like sad and not clean shaven or whatever have you. And it just says you fucked up. And when you go to open it, there's like a handcuff holding the two parts of the card together connected by a magnet. So when you open it, it breaks the magnet and the cuffs are like separated. And then it says on the inside, but you paid the price. Congrats on freedom.

[A]

But you pay the price and then.

[C]

It'S the guy, like the picture on the, on the inside is the guy like opening the door and seeing sunlight for the first time and looking like, blinded by it.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

That one's that. I was strangely optimistic. It sounded like it was going to be mean, but I actually like that. And also you can put the airtag chirp in that one so that when they file that card away somewhere, it just starts doing that at a later date.

[B]

I'll just sell that as an add on to any card.

[A]

So that could go in anything.

[C]

Congrats on getting married. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

[B]

You guys do this? Actually total sidebar. A real distractible moment here. You guys share your locations constantly with your spouses?

[C]

No, I don't think I ever have.

[A]

Well, it's like an on or off thing, right?

[B]

My location has been shared constantly for years now. I'm not even sure when it started, but it's just always been on. And I remember every once in a while, like, man, my battery life sucks.

[A]

My phone, why is it so bad?

[B]

Because the GPS is always on with that. But I just do that all the time anyway. And I know that people probably have very strong opinions about that, but it's just, it's always been a no brainer because if I'm coming back from somewhere, you can see if I suddenly stop, you know, and there's no traffic there, like that might be something.

[C]

I'm not opposed to it. I just have never set it up. And so knowing me, I never will. So if it comes on by default, that's fine.

[A]

Honestly, I had never thought. I'm kind of like you, Mark. I had never really thought about it. I think I had been because I, unlike iOS or whatever, Mandy and I were spouses. Or family or however it works. But then since we've had James, it really helps because like if one of us takes him somewhere, like taking to the park or whatever, then it's like he has like his own airtag thing. And it's just like an extra layer of like if, if one of us has him out, we're potentially way too busy to like send a quick text or whatever. Like if he's being completely crazy. But the other one can be like, I wonder what they're doing. Ah, they're in the car on the way home. Or like, oh, they're over at this part, whatever. Just like for the that reason we, we keep that up and running. Yeah.

[B]

So it's just like always been a thing that I do.

[A]

It's a little stalkery. Like I definitely have had times where I like, I. I looked and I was like, it's weird that I'm looking right now. I don't need to know where Mandy is, but I'll look anyway.

[B]

I actually never looked like, because, well, I mean I should, but I don't know. We're work from home. So where do we go?

[C]

Yeah, I would have the most boring tracker ever. It was like Wade's in the house there.

[B]

He still. Yep, that's how it goes.

[C]

30 day streak.

[A]

Speaking of all of our self imposed house arrests, one more and I feel like this again is maybe not one that we're gonna use necessarily, but this is more like a public service one. I feel like, need like it'd be valuable. I want a card for the friend zoneiversary. There are infinite number of cards for anniversaries, for dating anniversaries for wedding anniversaries for your parents anniversary, whatever. I think it would be polite if you have someone who is. You've. You have. Seriously, friend zoned. And maybe they don't know, maybe it's unclear, but like you know that they're just send a card. Hey, happy friend zone. Anniversary. You know what? We're good. I appreciate you. I friend zoned you and I acknowledged that. And here's a card and maybe a Starbucks gift card or something like, you know.

[C]

Got it.

[A]

Have a coffee.

[C]

You guys have all seen Robin Hood Men in tights.

[A]

Yep.

[C]

So we're going straight for the opening of the card is the chastity belt. And there's a ring of like keys to open up the card, but none of them work. And all it says on the card is, you tried deny.

[B]

Oh fuck, that's so good.

[C]

Can't open the card.

[A]

Damn it.

[B]

That's so good.

[C]

Every now and then, a good idea pops up in here.

[B]

I don't think I could get one better than that. Ah. I was working on a loose idea, but all my confidence got deflated out of me.

[C]

I'm sorry. I just. I had a great idea and I had to share it.

[B]

I just. I've never been friend zoned, so I don't know what this is like. Oh, I don't have any to pull from here, so I don't know. I'm drawing a real blank here.

[A]

That's fine.

[B]

You know what? If. If I just start talking, something will happen and that's.

[A]

It Always works out.

[B]

Always works. All right. Card. Color. It's color. There is color.

[C]

Cosmic latte. Cosmic latte.

[A]

Stars.

[B]

Shooting stars. No. Squash it. Aligns.

[A]

Uh huh. Brilliant. Let it flow.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

It's.

[B]

It's a line of people. And it says on the front there's an arrow pointed to some guy way back here. And it's a line that goes. And then you open the card, it's the whole globe and it's like. And then it's me, like, you know, to girl or whatever on the other side of the earth. And the whole line is like.

[C]

I know.

[B]

You'd wait in line forever for me. Thanks for being my friend. Nailed it. Never fails.

[A]

Never start talking. Always works. You just start talking. You just start talking.

[C]

Oh, when you. Yes. And yourself for long enough, you'll eventually get there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait.

[B]

It was so good and rocked me.

[C]

I'm sorry. Ultimate friend zone.

[A]

Well, I think those are really useful. And look, I'm not greedy watchers listeners. If you like any of these ideas, these absolute gems that we've come up with today, you're welcome to use them get go on one of those websites where you can use your own images and stuff. You can make. You could tweak it. You could apply it directly to your own situation. Maybe you had shared Hulu accounts instead of Netflix. Who knows? Customize it any way you might need, but I think that's where we're going to leave it. We don't want to let too much genius out all in one big rush. It'll disrupt the balance of the universe. So in no particular order, wad, you got points for snow drawing us accurately bringing up bitcoin mining. Your expectation versus reality card. Your but you paid the price card and the chastity belt. You tried. Denied.

[C]

None of the keys. Open it.

[A]

None of the keys.

[B]

Open it.

[A]

Yeah. Beautiful. Mark. You earned points for saying hi boys.

[B]

I got two.

[C]

Right. Oh, that's where you got two points for that.

[A]

It was. Yeah. You got a double fair point. You got a render farm point. You got a not so bald point. You got a Netflix and pills point. You got the airtag torture point. You got a point for a line. And also thanks for being my friend with friend heavily emphasized. Leaving the final score today at a cheek clenchingly tight 87 in favor of a mark. Oh, mark is up 8 to 7. That double fair point really, really eked it out for you a little bit.

[C]

It's fair. It's so.

[A]

It's so painfully fair.

[C]

It's very painfully fair.

[A]

It's unbelievably fair.

[B]

It's so.

[A]

It's a good thing Mark baited you into doing that.

[C]

We just had to know how fair it felt. So fair to both of us. We had to share it.

[A]

Anyway, wheel spin.

[B]

I'm feeling a nice one. I'm predicting it. I win by tie.

[A]

333-331-3333?

[C]

We split the difference.

[B]

We're both wrong.

[A]

Hooray. And I have to add a bonus point to the thingy. Fairness amplifier. If something has been made doubly fair, it shall be once again made doubly fair.

[B]

Oh, fuck. It doubles the double.

[A]

Well, so should it be an amplifier or should it be a fairness inversion?

[B]

We have an inversion. I believe we do.

[C]

Wait, do we?

[B]

Wait, we have something with the fairness coin. I know. On the thing already.

[A]

Free parking. Oh, free parking. Oh, wait, was the monkey's paw going to the free parking? No, when we spin the same thing. When we re spin, we're supposed to put ones in the fair parking. I think. Oh shit, I forgot about that. Free parking. Fair parking. Free parking.

[C]

I don't remember how. I know free parking gets points, but I don't remember how it's supposed to get points.

[B]

We should write down what these mean.

[A]

Lie points doubled, minus one to current loser no point. Fuck you. Add two spins. Oh, I forgot that was in there. That's fun. Oh, here's the add 10% chance to one man show. That's its own thing. Okay.

[C]

Add 10, lose seven. New.

[B]

God, we have so many that have never landed.

[A]

I know. We have so many. Worst luck is one. But that's the. The coin has not been flipped. Flip and apply to the last contentious thing.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I think that's the only way. I don't remember there being one for.

[B]

I love the doubling the doubler because that could be positive or negative.

[A]

Because if someone gets true.

[C]

Yeah, Fairness Amplifier. That's a good one.

[A]

Fairness.

[C]

Now, we're going to see this in, like, a year. Be like, what the hell is fairness amplifier?

[B]

You could put parentheses, doubles. The doubles. If. If it happened, I guess it would.

[C]

Be double no matter what, because double zero, zero. Double negative, Double positive.

[A]

Yeah, doubles. Coin flip results is what I'll. I'll put on here because it makes it doubly doubly doubly fair or doubly doubly unfair. Either way, amplify it or. Yeah. Or doubles nothing.

[C]

And then we want the re. Spin. We just take the doubles. Nothing.

[A]

So we got two spins, and we got the fairness amplifier in play.

[C]

All right. Can't wait to see Point for listeners.

[A]

Wade is up. Nope. Mark is up by one, eight to seven. Mark is winning.

[C]

Come on. Hold on to it, baby.

[A]

Spin number one. Sung the most.

[C]

Did any of us sing?

[A]

I definitely didn't sing because I was just thinking, man, my voice is a little tired from all the impressions we did.

[C]

I don't think we sang.

[B]

I wish I could say I sang.

[A]

We could have. That could have come up in the greeting card stuff, but I don't think it did.

[B]

Yeah, I rhymed. I don't think that counts.

[A]

I'm gonna say re. Spin.

[C]

Yeah, I can't think of a song.

[A]

Spin number one, take two. Most cursed.

[B]

Well, I guess Wade lost. I don't know if that counts.

[A]

Yeah, he lost the coin flip. That's bad luck.

[B]

Bad luck.

[A]

Wade's expectation versus reality card idea was kind of cursed.

[C]

I'm not gonna argue against my point.

[B]

Yeah, I can't see it going my way. And I can see it leaning Wade.

[C]

Yeah, me too.

[A]

Yeah, I think it leans Wade.

[B]

It does lean.

[A]

Plus, generally, Wade has a much higher average level of cursedness.

[C]

You know, graying first, balding first. No car for four years.

[A]

Car fell in the ocean.

[C]

All of it was worth it for this point.

[A]

All right, second spin. We're all tied up at 8. Please, God, give one of them a point. Hosted previous episode.

[C]

Wait, is that technically the listeners.

[A]

No, no. You hosted. You just weren't the winner.

[B]

It doesn't say you did host it. Hosted.

[C]

All right, thank you. Technicalities.

[A]

Thank God it didn't involve the fact that I let the listeners win an episode. Of course, we would get the one thing that would bring that back back up again. Anyway, as per usual, the wheels had some impact. You could say some. Some may have affected the outcome. Mark, you end up with eight points. And Wade, if I'm counting correctly, Wade ends up with A total of nine points.

[C]

That sounds incredibly fair.

[A]

And if you listen to the title of the episode, which I said at the very beginning. No, there's no surprise. Golf rules.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Jesus. No, we just wins. Congratulations, Wade. Honestly, Mark, I thought you had it. That was some rough. The rough luck with the wheel.

[B]

That was rough spins. Rough spins.

[A]

That's. You know what? We got some that hadn't come up before. I didn't care for them. I feel like maybe on the next constitutional one, we should get a thing where if something comes up and, like, we hate it, we could just delete it and be like, fuck that. Because there are definitely some that are, like, it's funny.

[B]

Yeah. There should be some way to delete them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe not so much as a whim, but something should.

[A]

Or like, if. If it comes up twice in a row, like, or twice in the same set of spins, it gets deleted or something. Because that also has happened.

[B]

Yeah, that could happen.

[A]

I don't know. That's. We can't do anything. I don't know.

[C]

I won once because of three half points. I kind of like those.

[A]

But. Yeah. Anyway. Mark, loser speech.

[B]

Well, you know, I cannot even say that this is fair or unfair, because that's already been said, and it's already been won. I had a crazy good tactic in the beginning, playing off of my opponent's weaknesses. But it turns out that even if Luck wasn't on his side in the beginning, it was somehow on his side in the end. And everything balances out in the end, I guess. But he still didn't win last episode, so technically, he's only up one more win over this, even though he's hosting twice. So, honestly, he has to do twice to work for one of the win. So I'm okay with that.

[A]

He's a sucker, really. I think is what.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. We're playing him for a full universe. I know that there's a plan here.

[A]

Wade, winner speech.

[C]

Listen, boys, it was well fought. I was really down on my luck at the start, as mentioned, but this win is my win. This counts. This is a win. And even though taking it away was what you guys were trying to do, you tried. Denied.

[A]

We didn't try and do anything. The coins are fair. The coins determined what was fair. We didn't do nothing.

[B]

You.

[C]

You just.

[B]

Nice win.

[C]

You just. You both just try to diminish my wins.

[A]

We did diminish your win very successfully.

[B]

No, it's. Your win is. Is half of. Half of the normal win, but you.

[A]

Still have a win.

[C]

You tried.

[A]

Denied.

[C]

You're all six, seven in about it.

[A]

This, this win is prorated with your previous hosting. So you basically had two half wins because of how math works.

[C]

It's not very on fleek, boys.

[A]

I win. I don't have to do anything to make you look bad on that one. Thank you for your winter speech, Wade. Look forward everyone to Wade hosting another one and hopefully it will not be a listener focused episode because. Yuck.

[C]

Ah. Voice impressions, take two.

[A]

Oh, yay. Hooray. I mean, I was baiting you. You got reverse psychology.

[B]

That'll be my physical impressions.

[C]

Now you have to sing while doing doing the impressions. Two sentence impression songs.

[A]

And Dan the piano man comes out of the shadows behind us to start playing music that we have to sing to.

[C]

We get music. Bob gets to rap. Yay.

[A]

Rapping. My favorite. I'm good at rapping. Anyway, thank you so much for listening. Thank you even more for watching. Make sure you follow the podcast so you know when the episodes come out. Even though it's the same time every week, some of you still forget. Follow Mark, Wade and myself on our channels. Markiplierlordmainion, 777, Minion 777 and myskurm. That's it. Thanks so much for being here. Come back for the next one where I'm sure Wade will not torture us at all.

[C]

Bald Onk coming at you.

[A]

Until that joyous day, podcast out.

[D]

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