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Bob
This episode is brought to you by Hershey's. When it comes to a sweet treat, I love a combo like those two flavors that just go together perfectly like a little party in your mouth. I think most people are with me on this, right? If you want the ultimate combo, I think you should give Hershey's Cookies and Cream a try. If you haven't had it, where have you been? Rich, smooth white cream packed with crunchy chocolatey cookie bits in every bite. It's a delicious balance of flavor and texture. Hershey's Cookies and Cream Creamy, crunchy and all yours. Find Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars at a store near you today. This episode is brought to you by degree Degree is for the hustlers who put in the sweat, which we know a thing or two about.
Mark
For 35 years, 11 months, 28 days and 6 hours, I didn't believe in deodorant, but then Degree came along.
Bob
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Mark
Good evening Gentle listener and welcome to Distractable this episode. Businesslike Bob diagnoses Dr. P, benches Wade, cautions drivers, asks more easy questions and gets horrific Wildcat Wade muppets out, cuts the Colombian and slings out softies. Medicinal Mark crusades against caffeine penile shrinkage and performs a tour de force while being battered by the boys From Rene Descartes to Sempiternal Stingers.
Bob
Yes.
Mark
It'S time for Mark's one Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi, welcome to Distractable. This is a very special episode because even though I'm doing the intro, I'm not the host for some reason. I'm one man and this is my show. And alongside me are the and friends, Bob and Wade.
Bob
I feel like insulting us right as we're about to have total control over what you're about to do on a recorded video podcast is a bold choice, but I'll take it. That's basically what I said.
Mark
Wow.
Wade
That was my attempted Muppet laugh. I don't know if it worked.
Mark
Yeah, came right through. That's what I thought.
Wade
I could tell by the reaction it was not.
Bob
Well, Mark has no idea what's about to happen during this episode. It's called one man show and I don't think Wade and I really came up with an idea that is a traditional old school one man show. But it will be Mark show and he's the man. But we thought we could start with small talk. We're not trying to torture you every second of the whole thing. Some of it might be tough. We're all friends here, you know.
Mark
I don't know why it has to be torture. That's the thing.
Bob
I thought that was the joke. I thought it was a punishment.
Mark
Well, I mean punishment or joyous occasion like woo. It's like winning the lottery. You know, we hit the random chance. That was really rare.
Bob
And, oh, never in my life have I bought a lottery ticket and then thought, man, I don't want that to happen ever. God, please don't.
Mark
That's what I mean. That's what I mean. So it could be good, right?
Bob
Maybe it can't be that bad.
Mark
It couldn't possibly be that bad.
Bob
You're a funny guy and we're stupid, so, you know, we'll be fine.
Wade
May I point you, Bob, to subsections 4 and 5? If you say it can't be that bad, it might have a couple of parts.
Bob
That's up to him how bad those are. Listen, that's fair.
Mark
Section 4, subsection A, subsection I. I.
Wade
See what you did there, Bob, and I'm laughing, but I can't say anything out loud.
Bob
It's fine. It'll be fine.
Mark
I'm laughing too.
Bob
I'm really excited for five, more than anything. But small talk. We always do this. How's everybody doing? Anyone got small talks?
Wade
I went to a UC University of Cincinnati basketball game. Oddly enough, we all went to UC while attending. I never Once went to a basketball game. I don't know why, but I didn't. I went to a game for a friend's birthday and he had like 20 people there, so they got like one of the boxes. It was 100 bucks a person for a box seat, which is not bad. But went to the UC game and UC played very well. They actually won the game. It was really fun. And I had a friend convince me that maybe a month ish from now I might be joining a basketball league for the first time in 15 years. And let me tell you, why is that?
Mark
Why does that need a laugh?
Wade
Because I'm not in basketball shape and I'm bald now.
Bob
Wade's knees have never been more terrified.
Wade
Literally. Like, I think two months ago I told my. Like, I finally feel like for the first time in a decade, my knees don't hurt. Every time I go up and down the stairs and then this conversation about joining a basketball league happen, my knees, I felt them quiver.
Bob
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that will be fun. And that sounds like a great idea. I wish I was in shape enough to play even a sport casually. I'm not.
Wade
I'm not either.
Bob
I would just die. I tried to play basketball, I think.
Wade
But I asked them if it was a half court league instead of full court and they laughed at me.
Bob
Got to run all the way from the one end to the other end every time.
Wade
Basketball is a lot of running.
Bob
Maybe you'll just be an offense guy. Maybe you just stand down there on that end. Maybe they don't need you on the other side.
Wade
I'm more likely to be the defense guy. I always like defense more than offense. But anyway, maybe, maybe sports. Maybe shape. Maybe dead.
Mark
I mean, that's all of our lives, really, day to day.
Bob
That's true. There's a couple more maybes in there probably, sometimes, but that's about right.
Mark
I am making a huge, sweeping change in my life that has needed to happen for years and years.
Wade
A haircut.
Mark
Shut up. Damn, you're just jealous.
Bob
Hey, somehow Wade still gets haircuts, which I don't understand, but continue.
Mark
As you guys know, I've had ADHD for a while and I've always known that my ADHD medication doesn't play well with caffeine.
Wade
So you're getting off the medication?
Mark
Well, one or the other. No, I'm cutting caffeine out of my life. Finally. Hey, I've done this before.
Bob
What's in that mug you're drinking from there?
Mark
Decaf. Which still has like Trace amounts of caffeine in it.
Bob
Yeah, it's a little bit. Right, but.
Mark
But I'm like, it's almost impossible to avoid because even like most sodas have it in it. I'm just not going after coffee and Red Bulls because it was getting to the point where I was drinking like a cup of coffee, maybe two and a Red Bull a day. And it's like, that's so much caffeine.
Wade
And was Red Bull your creamer?
Mark
Oh, it's like a bad. What's the word? The Guinness and Red Bull.
Bob
What's that called? Guinness and Red Bull. Is that the one that's called an Irish Car Bomb or is that a different one?
Mark
No, that's a different one.
Wade
Let me tell you. Don't. Don't mix Guinness and Lucky Charms.
Bob
I wouldn't.
Mark
I won't.
Bob
I never was in danger of that.
Mark
Happening in the multiverse. Never had occurred until now. I guess now there's multiple universes that are spawning off. Anyway, I'm cutting caffeine because, you know, it's, it's like, it's just never actually hit me the way that I imagine things should. It's more about the B vitamins and I've talked about that before and like the, the energy drinks. But now I, I just take a daily B vitamin supplement and that's helping out a lot because when I'm taking to stars, it's just, it's a long term, it's extended throughout the day. So I never really get to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm tired, I need a pick me up. But as soon as I drink a cup of coffee, I go home so tired because it has a weird inverse effect sometimes. And it's just like, man, I'm just like sleepy time now. So I'm cutting it out and I'm going to be not doing it anymore.
Bob
That's admirable, though. I've not cut it out completely for a long period, but I did almost a month where I did like a kind of a caffeine reset. Man, that first energy drink. The month after I did the reset, I was like, holy shit, it does something that was last year. I'm already at the point now where I. I'll get the biggest can of Red Bull they sell and I chug the whole thing and I'm like, oh, God, I need a nap. Ooh, that's like, that's not, that's really not good.
Mark
I've heard chemically in your brain, it's like caffeine only works in small amounts periodically. And if you get used, unless you hit your threshold of caffeine, it acts as like a depressant instead. And you kind of just generally doesn't work as well. More relaxing than anything. But then you, you. That's why you keep elevating the amount and up and up and up. I'm not trying to say that everyone out there shouldn't drink coffee or take caffeine. It's just that, like, ADHD medication is already a stimulant as it is. Like astaris is a milder one, but it's still a stimulant and it still affects you. And then caffeine on top of that, it's just too many stimulants, probably not good for the body, not great for the systems, bad for the sleep. And so I'm trying to fix all that.
Bob
That's admirable. I'm eternally jealous of people where caffeine is just like a thing they can do. And it gives them. Like Mandy has that. Mandy is super sensitive to caffeine. And so like, if she gets a bad night's sleep and the next morning it's just like super rough, she could just be like, oh man, I'm going to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. That will help. And then she has like half a Dr. Pepper and she's like, oh, the caffeine. I'm like, what the fuck is it Dr. Pepper? What happened? Like, I wish I had that. God damn.
Mark
I wouldn't mind doing an energy drink or coffee or something when it's needed. Like, I need to stay up tonight and do something. I better take this because that's what it's for. As opposed to just getting up every day and then taking it, which kind of defeats the purpose. But again, everyone can do whatever they do. I don't want to upset the capitalist machine.
Bob
Oh, Mark's right. Caffeine is the devil.
Mark
Oh, no, no.
Bob
Shrinks your penis, I assume, drinks your penis.
Mark
Let's look up information about that.
Bob
Does caffeine shrink penis?
Mark
I just looked up the AI overview. Just like, no, there is no evidence that caffeine shrinks the penis. And just that line is highlighted by Google.
Bob
What a definitive answer. That's.
Mark
Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.
Wade
AI Overlord.
Bob
That's a weird thing because it's not even caffeine either. Separately, soda. The sweetness especially of sugar free soda, it's so sweet. It's hard to match that because I like, like sparkling water, like flavored sparkling water. Like right now I'm in a bad cycle where I've been drinking a lot of like Sprite Zero and sweet stuff. And when I get that craving, that fruity seltzer water tastes awful. This isn't sweet enough. I want the cloying sweetness of a drink that tastes like it's going to kill me.
Mark
It's the sweet one.
Wade
Or whatever the Dr. Pepper commercials were.
Mark
Yeah, it's the sweet one. I think they're all the sweet one.
Wade
Couldn't tell you. But I do like Dr. Pepper.
Bob
It's one of the many flavors in Dr. Pepper. Sweet one.
Wade
It's also hard whenever you pair things together. Like, I used to drink so much soda with everything that there are certain foods when I eat it. Like, like if I go to Skyline, I need a soda to go with the chili.
Bob
They don't have Mountain Dew at Skyline anymore. It's kind of ruined.
Wade
I was always Pepsi with Skyline. Now I do Dr. Pepper because they have their Coke products now.
Bob
They switched to Coke products and they have mellow yellow. But no one carries mellow yellow Zero on tap. They always had Diet Mountain Dew up in there. So disappointed about that one, but I'll survive. Probably should just not eat Skyline or Diet Mountain Dew anymore.
Wade
Okay, let's not be crazy.
Mark
He's right.
Wade
What if you bring your own Mountain Dew to Skyline but you buy a mellow yellow, Then you just like asks for just a cup of ice and you're like, I will pay for the soda, but I need my Mountain Dew, which is how you drink Mountain Dew. You have to shake as you pour it.
Bob
I feel like the rational solution is to just get Skyline to go, which is not the same.
Wade
It's not as good to go. It's still good, but you can ask.
Bob
For the cheese on the side, which helps.
Wade
A three way is not the same on your table as it is someone else's, you know?
Bob
Oh, I eat my three way on my lap like a dog.
Mark
But even if you're in the restaurant, just at the bar, I'll take it in my lap, please. Here's your order. You just spin your stool, like gesture to your crotch.
Wade
I don't like barking at my dick. That was not a fun experience.
Mark
What did you do to your dick?
Wade
For some reason, whenever I was eating off my lap, I went. I don't know why that was my response to that.
Mark
Must have missed.
Bob
That is you were talking and he, he did you. What'd you scare your dick? A little bit.
Wade
Thankfully. It's hard to scare it any smaller after my Caffeine intake.
Bob
Hey, Google says there's no evidence supporting that.
Wade
Well, my PP says there is.
Mark
Okay. All right.
Bob
Well, I was just trying to think of small talk this whole time.
Wade
Yeah, big talk.
Bob
Wait. I got a workbench in the garage, Mark. I got an altar to put all my Ryobi products on. Oh, well, it's one of those rolling tool chests with the workbench on top kind of thing. So it's got, like, 20 drawers that I'll pull out. Since I got that, I also ordered a couple things, Ryobi. Things that were on sale. So I have more Ryobi in my life than I had previously.
Mark
You do enter a phase in your life when you get a workbench and you start collecting your tools. I have a workbench, but it's not organized, so I can't say that there's any pride going on in there. But Jason keeps all of his tools extremely, extremely organized. Like, absolutely everything has a label. Everything is in its place. You just cut out a bunch of tool slots for everything. So I'm envious of that.
Bob
But I. I don't feel like you have to do that to. To be a real workbench guy. I've been watching a lot of woodworking YouTube, and I like the workbenches where the guy pulls a drawer open and it's just like someone took every wrench in existence and just went. And the guy opens it and like, ah, yeah, I need a three. Eight. Sweet. Yeah, there it is. Like, he knows where it is. Even though it looks like an absolute clusterfuck of everything. That's the kind of workbench I aspire to.
Mark
I want the drawer that you open and go, oh, you gotta wiggle it. Open the drawer above, hit a hammer on it, then it opens. That's what I want.
Wade
I think I own a hammer, a wrench. I think I own at least one of each of those tools.
Bob
Those are good things to have.
Mark
What size?
Wade
Oh, they fit in my hand, and they have a little thing that makes.
Bob
Them go that's called adjustable wrench.
Wade
Yeah, got one of those.
Mark
Why is it called that?
Wade
Because you can adjust the mouth.
Bob
This guy thinks he's not a workbench guy. You're a workbench guy. You're on the way.
Wade
I'm more of a junk drawer guy with a couple tools I was given.
Bob
Over the years where it starts.
Wade
It hasn't evolved yet. After 10 years of having those things.
Bob
Oh, sometimes it starts slow. It's coming. Just wait. Workbench guy.
Wade
Two Weeks from I'll come back and I'm Tool the Tim man or Tool.
Bob
The Tip Man Taylor.
Wade
Close enough. My brain couldn't figure out what was wrong with the sentence. I was like, no, those are all the correct words.
Bob
I'm glad you got.
Mark
Was really good.
Bob
You have to do a backwards Wade.
Mark
Yeah. You didn't get that wave. That was for you.
Bob
It's inverted, just like Tool the Tin Man.
Mark
That might be one of the most clever jokes you've ever made. That was. That was great. I'm gonna applaud you.
Bob
That just makes me question myself when you say things like that.
Mark
No, it's really, I think, was it that funny?
Bob
I make funny jokes.
Mark
Very intelligent, quick to come up with joke. Not to hyper analyze the comedy of it. But that is actually really fast to come up with that idea. And it's very funny. Everyone should be clapping. Everyone who's driving.
Bob
They are. They are. Take your hands off the wheel. Both hands. Clap loudly.
Mark
Oh.
Bob
Roll your window down and stick your torso out and scream to the world. No, but seriously, car accidents while listening to this podcast have never been higher. Please be careful. Mark, are you.
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Bob
This episode is brought to you by Hershey's. When it comes to a sweet treat, I love a combo like those two flavors that just go together perfectly like a little party in your mouth. I think most people are with me on this, right? If you want the ultimate combo, I think you should give Hershey's Cookies and Cream a try. If you haven't had it, where have you been? Rich, smooth white cream packed with crunchy, chocolatey cookie bits in every bite. It's a delicious balance of flavor and texture. Hershey's cookies and Cream. Creamy, crunchy, and all yours. Find Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars at a store near you today. Prepared.
Mark
I. What? Do I need to be prepared?
Bob
You don't need to be prepared. You just need to brace yourself.
Mark
Okay.
Bob
All right, Wade, do you want me to kick it off?
Wade
By all means.
Bob
Our first game today is a classic. It's one we've all enjoyed. The viewers have requested more of it, so I think it's time we call this one Easy Questions.
Mark
I thought you were going to say change. I was like, oh, God, no.
Bob
No. We could add that in if you want that.
Mark
No, no, it's okay. I don't need that.
Bob
Easy Questions, Mark.
Mark
When did we play that?
Bob
Well, there were 20 easy questions previously. Do you remember the wall? What? Was the wall built by the Roman emperor? The wall.
Mark
Adrian's wall.
Wade
I think you've got this one, Mark.
Mark
Is it the same questions?
Bob
No, it's the same question. What was the most commonly occurring, naturally occurring element on Earth? Do you remember, Mark?
Mark
You remember Stadium Astrote.
Bob
It's ass. What about the treaty, Mark? What's the treaty?
Mark
Winnebago. Whoa. Westphalia.
Bob
No, it's okay. I know you know those ones because they're so easy. We have new easy Questions, Mark.
Mark
Okay, I'm ready.
Bob
And you should know these. Some of them you've learned, like Wade taught us about philosophy. Most of them are science. He loves science. Space.
Mark
I love science.
Wade
Yeah, we'll just rotate, Bob. You ask one, I'll ask one. And we'll.
Bob
We'll go through Apollo 11. Mark, you know things about space.
Mark
Yeah.
Bob
What programming language was used to write the Apollo 11 guidance computer software?
Mark
Probably assembly.
Bob
See? Good job. You know these.
Wade
Another easy one. Which philosopher is credited with the quote, I think, therefore I am.
Mark
I don't fucking know.
Bob
Whities Widow. Philosophy Hour. We talked about this.
Wade
One of the most well known, at least top 20.
Bob
I think you made a series of jokes riffing on this exact quote.
Mark
Matthew. Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey?
Wade
I don't think that is the.
Mark
R E F4.
Wade
That is not the philosopher's name.
Mark
Oh, I thought that was pretty close. Socrates.
Wade
So close. Rene Descartes.
Bob
Of course. Yeah, obviously.
Mark
Of course.
Bob
Back to science. What is the half life of carbon 14? Come on, man, you know this. Easy question.
Mark
Oh, man. Oh, yeah.
Bob
Do you love science? You love science?
Mark
Uh huh. Oh, well, obviously the answer is 1,248,321 years.
Bob
So close. So, so close, bud. But not quite. Of course. The half life of carbon 14 is 5730 years. You knew that. You knew that. You just couldn't remember. Just couldn't remember.
Mark
That's how many feet are in a mile.
Bob
Exactly. Sure. Yeah, yeah.
Wade
Which moon of Jupiter is known for its subsurface ocean potential for harboring life?
Mark
That stupid piece of shit. What is this? Fucking ass moon thinks it's better than us. You asshole.
Bob
Moon.
Mark
You piece of. What's your name? I don't know. Oh, what's your name? What's your name?
Wade
What's your name?
Bob
Oh, I love that song. Yeah.
Mark
Oh, his name. What's your name? Is it Europa?
Bob
It's Europa. Hey, this guy. All right, Mark. We did almost an entire episode where this was a thing we talked about extensively, and I believe it was a thing that you brought up. I know you know this.
Mark
Oh, great. Okay. Okay.
Bob
What does CRISPR stand for in the field of genetic engineering? I know you know this. These are all words that everyone knows, probably. Except maybe that one.
Wade
I'll give you a hint. It starts with a C. Yeah.
Mark
Crispr. C, R, I, S, P, R. All right.
Bob
And you know the letters. That's not the question we asked, but that's pretty good.
Mark
Don't tell me if I'm right or wrong until I get to the end of it. Okay. All right. All right. Sell.
Bob
I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. No one said anything. No one said a word.
Wade
So if we just make faces while he guesses, he'll never Know I'll make the same.
Bob
I'll react the same way to every guess if it's right or wrong.
Mark
Cell.
Bob
Raw Insertion.
Mark
Sensual pleasure reaction.
Bob
Ah.
Mark
So close.
Bob
So close. So close.
Mark
Yeah. What was it?
Bob
Put your listening ears on. Because, of course, CRISPR stands for Clustered Regularly interspaced Short Palindromic repeats.
Mark
What did you. I blacked out.
Wade
What did you just say?
Bob
Clustered Regularly interspaced Short palindromic repeats.
Mark
Palindromic?
Bob
Yeah. You know palindrome?
Mark
Yeah, I know about.
Bob
You know about palindromes?
Mark
Yeah. I didn't know that was in the name.
Bob
Race car is a palindrome.
Mark
Oh, it was a good attempt.
Wade
I got a softball for you.
Bob
You definitely know this one. I'm already knocking it off the list. I'm already checking it off. You know it.
Wade
Who directed the 1982 cyberpunk film Blade Runner?
Mark
Oh, Ridley Scott. Hey.
Bob
See this guy?
Mark
Right?
Bob
Okay, great. What is the Schwarzschild radius?
Mark
Oh, yeah. It's something to do with a black hole, I think, but it's not the event horizon. Or is that something else? What has a radius in life? What radii is half the diameter? He's great.
Bob
All right, Wade.
Mark
All right, moving on. Next question.
Bob
Wade answered his own question. Sorry.
Mark
All right. It's something to do with the black hole, I think, but it's not the event horizon. So it must be just like the minimum or something size that things must be compressed down to to become a black hole or something like that. I don't remember.
Bob
That's honestly so close. But I can't give it to you.
Mark
That's fair.
Bob
But the Schwarzschild radius is the radius of the event horizon of a black hole.
Mark
Oh, so it is the event horizon. Oh, okay. I was like. I kept being like. It doesn't have anything to do with her. It doesn't have anything to do with human.
Bob
Yeah, you were right there. Except for the 1 should have been a 0. Or vice versa. The 0 should have been a 1. That was very good. You're smart guy.
Wade
All right, another softy. In what year did the Cultural Revolution begin in China?
Mark
Which one?
Bob
The Most recent one.
Mark
1937.
Wade
1937, sure. Ooh, very close.
Bob
19 was good guess.
Wade
66.
Mark
Ah, okay. Right. Oh, you're talking about the. The communist.
Bob
The Mao Zedong revolution.
Mark
I see, I see.
Bob
Contemporarily, that's referred to as the Cultural Revolution.
Mark
Right. I see, I see, I see. Okay.
Bob
All right. Mark, you know this one?
Mark
Yeah.
Bob
Which element was synthesized in 1994 and named for a famous physicist, probably Einsteinium. Yay.
Mark
Okay. All right.
Bob
And you remembered astatine and everything.
Mark
I did. Did I say astatine?
Wade
You said as tanium. It was your clothes.
Mark
Oh, before. Okay. I thought somehow I had. My lips had moved and words had come out and I didn't notice it.
Bob
Black out and say something else.
Mark
Maybe.
Wade
Who was the last Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt?
Mark
Ptolemy.
Wade
Great guess, but no. Cleopatra VII the seventh.
Bob
I mean, that's sort of the one I think we know as Cleopatra, but yes.
Mark
Okay, all right, gotcha. Okay.
Wade
But there is a vii, which historians have told me means seven.
Mark
Okay, all right, that's true. All right.
Bob
You did pretty good, Mark. You got four correct and six almost correct.
Mark
All right, what does that get me?
Wade
The next segment.
Bob
Yeah. You've earned the right to move on to the next segment, Mark.
Mark
Yay. I would hate it to end early.
Bob
This is one that we've also done before and you thoroughly excelled at and everyone very much enjoyed your offerings in this episode. Unfortunately, Wade and I are not going to be trying to keep up with you this go round, so it's going to be just you. Everyone will be excited to hear. The next game is called Two Sentence Horror Stories.
Mark
Oh, God, no. Oh, God.
Wade
Look like you're wearing your spooky pants.
Mark
All right, I'm ready. Let's do this. Come on, bring it on. I'm good.
Wade
Bob, would you like to lead us off again?
Bob
Sure. You. So if there's anyone who doesn't listen to that episode, you should go listen to it. Mark absolutely shines. I'm going to give Mark one sentence and his job is to give me the second sentence to make a two sentence horror story. You'll get it once we start going. But just in case the ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong. Let him cook. Give me a sec.
Mark
Give me one more time.
Bob
The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong.
Mark
It's an earthquake. Ooh, a spooky earthquake. Ooh, look, if you're not afraid of an earthquake, it's going to be scary.
Bob
That's true. I've only really ever experienced one earthquake in real life, and it was the babiest earthquake ever. It was. I was live on stream when it happened and I basically was just all, I think that was an earthquake. It was terrifying. For the half second before my body could process what was happening, it was like, oh, no, the house is collapsing or something. It's scary.
Mark
I got another. I Got another. Wade, wait. Cue me up. That same one.
Wade
The ground beneath my feet began to shift, and I knew something was wrong.
Mark
Especially because I was on the moon. Shut up. Just shut up.
Bob
No, that does work. Because of moon worms, right?
Mark
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Wade
Should we skip around through these a few bob? We have a lot. I imagine we'll just pick out some of our favorites.
Bob
If you have any favorites, you could skip right to them.
Wade
I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching, so I turned around.
Bob
You know about turning around? Yeah.
Wade
I thought this was a softball. I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching, so I turned around.
Mark
That was the fastest ghost I've ever seen.
Bob
Oh, I like that. I like that we're laughing, but I do like that. That's good. That's good.
Mark
I like that we're laughing more at.
Wade
Your process of coming up with it.
Mark
I don't know. What am I supposed to say?
Wade
It just looks like you're being stabbed with a voodoo doll while you try.
Mark
To come up with these.
Bob
If only you had practice being in positions where you had to improvise language coming out of your mouth on the spot.
Mark
I can come up with anything. But if it's supposed to be like a horror story, you turn around, what is it like? Oh, no. Grandma under fast mobility chair, start. What do you see? A moose.
Bob
Yeah, mooses are scary. Mooses could be terrifying. That's fine. No, don't worry, Mark. We'll keep it fresh here. This will be a little palette cleanser before we get into the next two sentence horror story, Mark, what is the half life of carbon 14?
Mark
Ah, it's the same as a mile. 5730, baby.
Bob
Holy shit, he got it right.
Mark
I'm never gonna remember what an actual mile is, but I will always say.
Bob
All right, good job. See, this is designed for you to succeed.
Mark
Yeah, I feel successful. Am I not gonna be allowed to finish Descenda's horror stories until I answer all the questions?
Bob
Oh, we don't have rules that complicated.
Mark
Okay, good.
Bob
All right, Finish this horror story. Wake up, Daddy. My daughter cried, shaking me. Kids are scary. Kids are inherently scary. You got a lot to work with here.
Mark
Hit me again.
Bob
Wake up, Daddy. My daughter cried, shaking me.
Mark
I opened my eyes and saw the scariest kid I've ever seen. You said kids are scary.
Bob
Yeah, kids are scary. Kids are scary.
Mark
So I was like, ah, that's his fear. I'll tap right into that fear. And I. I got. I think I got you. I think you're just Hiding your fear.
Bob
Hey, if my daughter tried to wake me up by shaking me, I would be terrified, since I don't have one of those. That was good. That was concise. Good job. Thank you. We're not keeping track of points, but if we were, you would have earned a point for that.
Wade
All right, here we go. All I wanted to do was make a sandwich.
Mark
I feel like that's not a sentence. I feel like that's. I. I feel like that's not a complete sentence.
Bob
That's a whole sentence.
Mark
I don't think it is. I think it's.
Bob
I want to make a sandwich.
Mark
All I wanted to do.
Bob
Well, that was the qualifier, but I want to make a sandwich. I wanted to make a sandwich.
Mark
All right, all right, all right.
Bob
It was all I wanted to do.
Mark
Hit me again.
Wade
All I wanted to do was make a sandwich.
Mark
Too bad I was in jail. I'm trying, man. No, they're great.
Wade
I love this.
Mark
How do I make a sandwich scary?
Bob
I don't know. What's in the sandwich? Scary stuff.
Mark
Yeah, I pulled out the divorce bread. Oh, no. I got the mayonnaise. That makes you old anyway.
Bob
That's a tough balance. The old mayonnaise and the young mustard. Gotta get it just right or the sandwich really fucks you up.
Mark
All right, I'm ready.
Bob
You want it scary? I'll give you an unquestionably scary setup. I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had covered in sweat.
Mark
Guys, it's not going to be good.
Bob
I believe in you.
Mark
No, it's not.
Bob
You can do it.
Wade
It's gonna be great.
Mark
It's the same. The same thing. Guys, it's great. That's fine. I dreamt I was in the scariest sauna you've ever seen.
Bob
I like that. I like that. Tyson. The nightmare ties in the. Covered in sweat. I like that.
Mark
I couldn't get sauna out of my head. It just was stuck there from the very beginning. I was like, why would he be sweating? Oh, sauna.
Wade
Ready for one more?
Mark
No. Great.
Wade
I opened my eyes and I was drifting, floating in the middle of the ocean. Alone.
Mark
That's already scary by itself. I don't need to make anything else. Period. Period. Period Terrifying.
Wade
There's already a period at the end of this quote.
Mark
Parentheses or. Yeah, parentheses. Oh, no. Period. Parenthesis said I. All right, Bob.
Wade
I'm learning a lesson. We gotta give him a scary intro.
Bob
But not too scary. He loses the ability to think if you go right after his fears.
Mark
I think that's a good you know, if I was in the middle of the ocean, I would say, oh, no, because that's all this. That's all the scariness. That's. Oh, no.
Bob
Said I. I mean, it is a horror story. You can't hit him with the old, oh, no. He said, yeah, true.
Wade
Oh, no.
Bob
Terrifiedly, no, I know what we have to do next. I know what we have to do next. Mark, what does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering?
Mark
Fuck you.
Bob
I told you.
Mark
I know you did. I know you did, all right?
Bob
I know it's in there. Those words, they're in there. You know this cell.
Mark
That's not right.
Bob
You can't react.
Mark
Clustered. Clustered. Clustered.
Bob
Oh, no, it's an R, actually. Next.
Mark
Clustered. Renticulated. Inverted. Oh, palindromic. Wait.
Bob
S.
Mark
Succulent. Palindromic. I got two of them. I think I got two of them.
Bob
You got one of those, right?
Mark
I got two clustered.
Bob
Oh, no. You did throw palindrom. That's true. That's correct. It stands for clustered regularly interspaced short palindromic repeats.
Mark
Ah. Well, I didn't finish my word. My mic cut off. I said, and you didn't hear the Pete's at the end there.
Wade
That's fair. We did not hear the Pete's.
Bob
All right, Mark, we'll go back to something I know you're good at.
Wade
Are we continuing two sentence, or do you want to move on to section four?
Mark
Oh, God, I don't want section four.
Bob
I. I actually really want to see section four, so.
Mark
I don't like the sound.
Bob
I'm pretty. I'm pretty excited. I mean, there's nothing that says we can't circle back to 2 cents. We're circling back to the question, so that's true.
Wade
All right, Mark, so we're going to give you a headline, and you've got to tell us what you think the story is behind the headline.
Mark
Okay? All right.
Wade
While doing an impression of someone, we tell you to do an impression.
Mark
Oh, God. Oh, man, you're really hitting my strong suits. Guys.
Bob
Don't worry. We've only preselected impressions that we know you can do really well.
Mark
Oh, thanks. Thank. Thank you.
Bob
I sounded sarcastic. But we did actually pick impressions that, like, you do.
Wade
I'll give you a softball to start. Real easy one.
Mark
I'm ready.
Wade
Tell me what happened in this story. German shepherd leads mass breakout at dog park using your best chica impression.
Mark
Those bastards. Those bastards locked me in here. I need to lead a revolution. I'm assuming this is German Shepherd. Chica. So we're just going to go with that?
Wade
Sure.
Mark
Ach, Duliber. I don't know what I'll do, but I know that I have natural charisma. I don't need to act it as the dog, do I?
Bob
You could just talk about what happened in the news.
Mark
No, I'm sticking first person.
Bob
Do it however you want. I'm into this.
Mark
I'm. Are you tired, my fellow dogs, of not enough treats, not enough toys? Them taking away the toys, you freshly decapitated. Kill them. All of them. We start with the little ones. Go. And then they jumped over the fence.
Bob
Oh, you're like recounting this to your. To your grandpuppies.
Mark
Yeah. I stayed in the park because I was a good girl.
Bob
See?
Mark
Easy, easy.
Wade
Mark, you got this.
Mark
My favorite thing about you is when she tells a joke and she laughs good. She has really good jokes.
Bob
She is the funniest dog I know. I don't know that many dogs, but cheek is definitely the funniest dog I know. All right, Mark, this is a good one. I'm excited for this one. What happens in this headline? Find the bastard who shat down my chimney. Homeowners Flu. Poo horror. And please describe what happens in this headline. Doing an impression of your best friend. Me.
Mark
How do you talk? Well, so I don't know how to do an impression of you. You talk normally. We're all from Ohio, so was the.
Bob
Right word to start with. You are on exactly the right track.
Mark
So there I was on that roof. I really had to go. I look around, nothing but chimneys, and I'm thinking, you know, that chimney is about the same size as my butthole. So dropped my pants, squatted over the thing. Next thing I know, they're just screaming at me. And here I am trying to get some privacy, and I'm like, hey, fuck you. I'm Bob, and fuck you. And then I finished. I wiped with a shingle, I slid down there, my shoes flew off, landed in my Tesla that I modded out custom with ebay parts. I drove off into the sunset to be with my wife and my child.
Bob
Because I'm Bob, I basically told that story.
Wade
I closed my eyes, I could just picture Bob.
Bob
Never heard my own voice come from outside my body before.
Mark
Yeah, the only thing that I was like, oh, that's something you do. You do. You like lists when you're telling a story, you do good lists of actions one after another.
Bob
I am currently waiting on several things from ebay auto for both of our cars. So that was dead on. And I kind of have to poop.
Wade
Mark, which philosopher is credited with the quote? I think, therefore I am.
Mark
It's not Ridley Scott, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that much. I know that.
Bob
Just let it flow. It's in there, it wants to come out.
Mark
You don't want what's in my head right now.
Wade
Oh, we do.
Mark
Pierce Brosnan.
Bob
So close.
Mark
It's something. I don't know. It's something. It's something like that.
Wade
Rene Descartes.
Mark
It was not like that.
Bob
No. You know what's funny is I could absolutely see how those ended up somewhere near each other. And when your brain is searching for like. Oh, you just said it. Hang on.
Wade
Descartes, Brosnan.
Mark
Well, Ridley Scott actually was closer. Honestly, much closer with Ridley Scott.
Wade
I wish he'd stuck with that. It was less painful to listen to.
Bob
Wait, I have one highlighted that. I just can't wait anymore. I really want to hear him talk about.
Mark
I'm ready. I'm ready, I'm ready.
Wade
Yeah, whatever you want.
Bob
It's technically your turn. I guess I could just do that next.
Wade
Former gold mine reopened with new purpose. Once cat seen exiting the mine in your best Herschel from the Walking Dead impression.
Mark
Which one?
Bob
Well, it's a mine story, so the floor is yours.
Mark
Alright, okay. So there I was, deep in the mines and I just started to lose it from all the gases that were accumulating at the bottom there. Heavier than air. My canary died. My jerk expired. My dog exploded. But my cat, my cat was alive. Or so I thought I assumed. I ran up, out, sprinted into town, barely made it out. I said, it's the mine that makes animals explode. But everyone was like, there's gold in there. And I was like, get away.
Bob
Uh huh.
Mark
But I tried to stop him. I followed him up the hill and they were all marching with their torches and their pitchforks and we're gonna kill this mine. And I was like, okay, all right. Better got up there. Cat came out. I said, stand back, it's gonna blow. Coughed gold, nugget pops right out. I killed everybody.
Bob
Everybody in the area.
Mark
Killed them all. I killed everybody. My mind, my gold, my cat.
Wade
Uplifting. Good to see you again, Herschel.
Bob
I miss those days.
Mark
Yeah, good times, good times.
Bob
I'm Herschel.
Mark
I'm my cat, my goal. Oh, I'm Lori. I think the original voice might have been a bit harsher on the throat, but then I remember a lot of the voices being done were pre any kind of training on the voice or any kind of, you know, good practices.
Bob
So.
Mark
Because I remember old Herschel was like a lot more.
Wade
He is older now by like a decade. So makes sense. He sounds a little different.
Bob
All right, Mark, this is my favorite headline that Wade. Wade scrounged up for this. I love it very much. Tell me what happens in this headline. 13 remain dead in morgue after painting debacle. Please expound on this headline in your best impression of old Markiplier before he changed.
Mark
Hello, everybody.
Bob
Markiplier here.
Mark
So I found this painting in this store and so I went to the store and it was a painting and it was a me. And I was like, wow, that's weird. So I bought it and then I said, I went. I went to a club and I showed it to them. I showed everyone. And so I was like, hey, look at this. And they were like, it's blank. And I look, oh, it's blank. What's up with that? So then all of a sudden, all their blood started exploding out of their bodies. I don't know what happened. And then zoom right into the painting. And so I now find that I can live forever through the sacrifice of everyone. Is this old Markiplier? I don't even know anymore.
Bob
Kinda, I think so.
Wade
I felt like you hadn't changed there.
Bob
Yeah, that felt like 2013.
Mark
I couldn't remember. I was trying to go for the. What's the Dorian Gray? I was trying to go for the painting of Dorian Gray and then halfway through I forgot how it worked.
Wade
Is he the guy that whips the girl in fifty Shades?
Mark
Yes, that's it. No. Oh, that's right. The painting's old.
Bob
Yeah, the painting ages and he doesn't age.
Mark
Painting's me, but old.
Bob
Ah, yeah, he just took a break. He just. He just left and came back. He's still in there. He's old.
Wade
All right, Mark, a two sentence horror story for you. I opened the cupboard in the old abandoned house to find a single dust covered cup.
Mark
The trouble was I owned two cups.
Wade
Dramatic pause even.
Mark
Wow, that'd be pretty scary.
Bob
Yeah. Now you'd be like, well, where the fuck's the cup? I live here alone. What the shit?
Wade
Just for kicks, Mark, in what year did the Cultural Revolution begin in China?
Mark
1966.
Bob
Hell yeah, it did.
Mark
This episode is brought to you by NOSS Energy. NOS Energy exists to boost your horsepower. So it depends on what kind of boost you need. Are you prepping for an exam? Are you prepping for a job interview? Are you prepping to wake up in the morning. You a prepper?
Bob
Oh, I'm a big prepper.
Wade
If you want the high performance boost that tastes great. NOS Energy comes in a range of refreshing flavors. Original GT Grape and Sonic Sour. And NOS Zero Sugar is, you guessed it, sugar free.
Mark
NOS Energy, get after it. Find out more at drinknos.com that'S-R-I-N k.
Wade
N o s.com this episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.
Mark
Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.
Bob
Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.
Mark
Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.
Wade
It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly. Bob, do we want to dive into the last bit or do you?
Bob
I would love to just keep circling back to all this stuff, but we should probably get to the last section here. Yeah.
Mark
Okay.
Bob
Mark, over our many years of doing this podcast and reaching back before, you've created some incredibly memorable Stingers, some segment introductions that have been used on multiple occasions, just etched into our memories. Everybody loves them. It's a crowd favorite and we were hoping for this episode if you could do us the honor of recreating from memory your Stinger intros that you had for. And we'll give you the titles. Give you the titles. It's okay.
Mark
Oh, good, that'll help.
Bob
If you could recreate from memory the Stingers that you've played over the years of. Distractable. Yeah, they're just literally like, we quote them constantly, so they're, you know, I just.
Mark
Oh, those memories are perfect. They're perfectly encapsulated. Truly was.
Bob
I love them. I love them and I'm excited for this one.
Mark
I'm so ready.
Bob
This is one of the most iconic ones I feel like. So start with an easy one. I would love for you to recreate morbid mysteries of the missing millennium.
Mark
Do I have to do the music, too?
Bob
We can imagine the music. You can. Just do what you can. If you want to make sounds to Supplement.
Mark
But have you ever felt a chill run down your spine? Well, I turned around and he was gone. Have you ever felt a presence standing right behind you? Well, I don't know what happened. When I turned around, they were gone. And then. Have you ever pooped your pants really hard? I don't believe in ghosts. But when I turned around, I didn't know what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing millennium. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bob
Oh, he's even got the viewer discretion.
Mark
You always got to do the. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bob
All right, let's see how accurate that was.
Mark
Oh, God. I want you all to close your eyes. Okay, Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. I went searching for the truth, and like a fool, I found it. But some truths are best left undiscovered by. I turned around and there it was. It's bigger than I could have imagined. The hikers claim that when they turned around, it seemed as though their friend had simply vanished. When I turned around, my whole farm was gone. I don't believe in ghosts.
Bob
There it is.
Mark
When I turned around, I couldn't explain what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the missing millennium. Viewer discretion is advised. Oh, I forgot about that. God, that was so much better than I remembered it ever being. I got the one I just made confused with it because I forgot how I set up that one.
Bob
Yeah, no, don't worry. We'll get to the smell one. Don't worry. Oh, I'm going to be honest. All of the rest of these. No, two of the rest of these, I didn't remember happening. We had to do some research, so I'm curious how much you'll remember. But you. You crafted these?
Mark
Some of those are lost to the winds.
Bob
Oh, I found them.
Mark
Okay, never mind.
Bob
Please recreate for us unusual oddities of an unreal understanding.
Mark
Oh, God. I don't know, man. What the is that? There's not something I made you try to. You're trying to gaslight me? I wouldn't do. Oh, man.
Bob
Well, I guess we'll see if I have a recording of that queued up or not.
Mark
All right. Oh, no. I got this. All right, here we go.
Wade
Give him the first, like, the first word.
Mark
No, I don't.
Bob
What was it called?
Mark
Unusual.
Bob
Unusual Oddities of an Unreal understanding.
Wade
It's really interesting the way that this one starts.
Mark
Shut up. No, it's not.
Wade
It is, actually.
Mark
Oh, my mind is unraveling all around me. I'm stuck in a tornado. Oh, no. I am exproperative. There's just 12 dead in a sweep. 18 found dead after a truck. And then. And then. Unusual oddities of something understanding. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bob
All right, let's see how that was a kid.
Mark
Have you ever felt a chill up your spine? I don't know, man. Something just feels off. Like, you know there's something standing right behind you, but you just can't turn around. Cut it out, man. You're giving me the creeps. What if I told you that the world was stranger than you could ever possibly imagine? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't believe in ghosts. But something just feels welcome to unusual oddities of an unreal understanding.
Bob
View.
Mark
Discretion is advised.
Bob
Oh, yeah, sorry. This is from episode recording. So there's a little bit of me and Wade laughing over some of these.
Wade
Somehow we didn't get your original audio.
Bob
Yeah, those are lost.
Mark
Those are actually lost. And there's some from way back when that. I would be shocked if you have, because I made, like, three of those at the very beginning of distracting.
Bob
I think I have one or two. Well, we have three more if that gives you any.
Mark
You have them?
Wade
We sure do. Oh, Mark, who was the last Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt?
Mark
Cleopatra the seventh.
Bob
Oh, hell, yeah. This guy.
Wade
Mark. We've done a couple of spooky Mark intros, but we have one here that I think is uplifting. I think will help get you in the right mindset moving forward. Please perform for us the greatest good.
Bob
You'd have a hint if you want it. What?
Mark
Yeah, give me a hint. I don't. I would never do a cheerful one of these. What are you talking about?
Wade
Do you want the first line? The opening line?
Mark
Wait, I do know. Wait, I'm remembering. I'm vaguely remembering. It started off something like that, and then it's all, like, 17 children saved from exploding burning bus accident. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. $20,000 returned to old grandma who was robbed. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bong, bing, bing. Local cat saved from burning tree. Burning cat saved from local tree. This is the greatest good. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bob
That's really good. Actually.
Mark
It's an inspirational story, one that really touches the heart and soul of everyone who will hear it. In a world full of darkness and cynicism, all 37 puppies were found alone. Sometimes a shining beacon of light can shine through. The Olympic gold medalist sold his medal to buy food for the hungry, which was him. Better than okay. This is the greatest Good.
Bob
No, viewer discretion is advised on that one, though.
Wade
You got the right, like, feel, though.
Bob
Yeah.
Mark
You basically remembered that that is an old one. That is one of the original batch.
Bob
I would give you credit for that.
Wade
That episode was from Never Give up, which I think was December of, like. What was that?
Bob
2021 of the first year.
Mark
Oh, yeah. Wow.
Bob
All right, Mark. Well, the next one's basically the polar opposite of that. But first, what is the Schwarzschild radius?
Mark
Oh, it's the radius of the event horizon.
Bob
Legendary. All right. If you could recreate for us from the episode. We're all going to die. You're a stinger entitled Nightmares of Futures Past.
Mark
I honest. I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't the foggiest clue. I could make up some shit. Like, I've been doing the past ones. I don't even know where this one begins. It's probably similar to the other ones that have made sense, but there's a.
Bob
Kind of a formula.
Mark
Yeah, I don't remember. Question person. Question person. Nightmares?
Bob
Pretty much, yeah.
Mark
Is there viewer. Is there viewers discretion advice? That's what I want to know.
Bob
I feel like you have to. You have to guess.
Mark
It's. It's there. Viewer discretion is advice. You know, sometimes I feel like you don't take this seriously. Duh. Sometimes I feel like you're just. You're just here to enjoy, have a good time, and you're not here to.
Bob
Tackle the hard issues.
Mark
You're not here to get to the bottom of the truth, to see into the heart of evil at the heart of every story. Hey, back off. I'm a reporter to report what's real. Look, I'm all for fuel economy, but I just don't work that way, no matter how terrifying it may be. So how good is bone broth for you? This is Nightmares of Futures Past, Right? Because I. I did that as a surprise. No viewer discretion advice. I forgot.
Bob
Yeah, no, no, viewer. I thought there was fewer discretion advice.
Wade
I thought there was, too, because that was.
Mark
I remember I prepared a long intro with no dialogue for me to actually live, say, as it was playing and then go into the thing. Yeah, it was quite a surprise. You guys had no fucking idea what was happening.
Bob
Yeah, no, I don't remember that happening, but it was very. It would. Had a twist to it that was interesting.
Mark
Yeah, man. I was creative back then.
Bob
He changed, man.
Wade
Mark, which philosopher's credit with the quote, I think, therefore I am.
Mark
I'll let you know.
Wade
Your last guest was Pierce Brosnan.
Mark
No, I know my last guess. I'm trying to get that out of my head.
Wade
Oh, oh.
Mark
Ryan Decker.
Wade
That's it.
Bob
All right, Mark, finish this two sentence horror story.
Mark
Come on, man.
Bob
A fat Siamese cat just ate all my mackerel.
Mark
I had just hauled in a record setting. 2,200 pounds of mackerel. That's no ordinary cat. Comma. That's no ordinary cat.
Bob
Wow, I like that. I like that one. That's a good one. I like that.
Wade
Mark, I've got a headline here for you. Man making pasta ends up on Wild Police Chase in your best Shrek impression.
Mark
Ah, there I was driving through Italy and I was just taking a nice vacation. I don't remember what happened in the headlines, so I'm going to make it up. The police were chasing me. I got all this spaghetti in the back and donkeys riding up top. He fell off, ran right over from the police, blood everywhere. But I got away because I'm an ogre.
Wade
Beautiful.
Bob
It sounds a lot like your Irish accent.
Mark
Oh, no, different mark.
Bob
Your most recent Stinger. You could recreate it. Please. It's called.
Mark
It's in the air. Fuck. Why can't I remember what I just made like a week ago? I spent so long doing it. It's why I'm here. It's got me into this shit. It got me into this mess. Wait, I've got it.
Wade
Whore mouth.
Mark
What? What the.
Bob
Sorry, that was in my research, finding all these clips. I. I put that one on there too. Just for me.
Mark
All right, I've got it. All right, I'm ready. Okay, here we go. Isn't something smell a little to you? Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt a chill run up your spine? Well, it was like something tapped me on the shoulder. But when I turned around. Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I. I'm still smelling something weird. A whole city of people just turning round and round endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm. Oh, my God. What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see? I know what clouds look like. Those are clowns. Welcome to the show that was formerly known as don't look up, but we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is. It's in the air. Viewer discretion is advised.
Bob
Wow, I think that was pretty close.
Mark
Yeah, that's pretty close, right? Yeah, I might have messed up the.
Wade
Way it actually went again.
Mark
I don't know why. And that was the most word filled. Like word soup. One possible. I don't know how I remember that.
Wade
Well, I think we're about ready for the end. But one more question for you, Mark. What does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering?
Mark
Oh, clustered randomly inserted Short palindromic. Oh, fuck. Repeats.
Wade
You got most of those words right, but you missed two of them.
Mark
Oh, well, it's the R and the I.
Wade
It sure is. Clustered regularly interspaced. Short palindromic replacement.
Mark
Creepy.
Bob
Sure.
Mark
Bob.
Wade
I. I think we're at six.
Bob
I think we are six.
Mark
What do you mean, six? What do you mean?
Wade
I mean we're at subsection six. Don't worry, there's only seven subsections.
Mark
What do you mean?
Wade
Mark, you're gonna love this part.
Mark
I've loved everything so far.
Wade
All right, Mark, we get to figure out who wins.
Bob
Oh, no.
Wade
Me, Bob. Or do you have to do a one man show?
Bob
There's almost no chance.
Mark
You're right. I'm not worried about this one.
Bob
It basically can't happen.
Mark
Yeah, you're.
Bob
Anyway, I'm gonna click the thing. God, I hope we don't get one man show again. Can we really?
Mark
Hey, congrats, Bob.
Wade
Bob, you earned this one.
Bob
I did it.
Mark
You did it.
Wade
All right. Well, I guess if Bob's the winner. Bob, would you like to go first? Would you like Mark to go first?
Bob
Oh, I would love for Mark to go first.
Wade
Yeah. So, Mark, you. We have a loser speech for you, but it is a not sponsor, so you're have to read the not sponsor as you do your loser speech. But don't worry, not all of it is verbatim, so you can kind of riff a little bit.
Mark
I have to read this exactly as written.
Bob
This is your sponsored segment and then you can give your loser speech once you do the sponsored segment for the not sponsored.
Wade
Listen up. You can change however you want. The rest of it verbatim.
Mark
All right. This is not sponsored by tall men shoes Calm. Listen up, short men feeling blue tired of life looking down on you. I'm Mark. I've been there too. Put tallmanshoes.com saw me through. 2 to 5 inches taller you'll stand no more feeling like less of a man Small club members all agree these shoes set our spirits free. What small club, you might ask, huh? Short men aspiring to long legs our task we meet to gripe and moan and whine about helping Shorts a poor design. Visit tallmanshoes.com today. Walk tall in a brand new way. Boost your height, boost your life Cut through struggles like a knife. Disclaimer these shoes won't fix your tiny frame or make you less of a dating shame. Your worth still small, let's be clear. But hey, at least you'll feel less near to the ground.
Bob
All right.
Mark
Is this a real website?
Bob
It is a real company. Not sponsored, not affiliated, community purposes only. It is a real website, a real company.
Wade
Nothing that we said had anything to do with their actual website.
Mark
Let's be clear.
Bob
It fine. It's fine.
Mark
Although they say that I'm making a loser speech here. I'm not. I'm a winner because I not only met, but I exceeded all of their expectations in every way. And also clustered regularly interspace Short palindromic repeats.
Bob
It's good that you bring that up. Mark. What's the capital of Bhutan?
Mark
Bhutan City.
Bob
You know what? It's wrong, but I'll take it.
Wade
What is the name of the deepest known point in Earth's oceans?
Mark
Mariana's Trench.
Wade
We've got Challenger Deep.
Mark
It's in the Marianas.
Bob
It's in the Marianas Trench.
Mark
It is.
Wade
What is it more specific? I think the answer to that is.
Mark
Well, I would have known. I do know about the Challenger Deep.
Wade
Bob winterspeed.
Bob
This was probably not our weirdest episode to date but. But it felt weird. My eyes are still tearing up. I had a great time. I think we all had a great time and that's what's most important. All three of us were here just hanging out, having a good time, enjoying life and that's why it was such a funny episode. I feel grateful that I won this and I can't wait to move on and never have to do the wheel spin again. He said optimistically. We have a bunch of new constitutional stuff that I already have forgotten almost most all of. But something something wheel spin still exists. I don't care. I win.
Mark
Yeah.
Wade
Nice job everyone. Nice job, Bob. Thank you for all your help. I feel like it was actually a pretty good amount of work building the one man show, but it was a lot of fun. It was good to go back and review some of these things and look forward to Mark especially doing two sentence horror stories again. Mark, thanks for being a good sport.
Mark
Thank you.
Wade
If you haven't already ready, go follow Bob at my Skerm market markiplier or me at minion 777 or Lordman 777. Make sure you follow or subscribe to the podcast. Keep watching, Oil Watchers, and I guess we'll see you in the next one. Until then, podcast out. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusion. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.
Mark
Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.
Bob
Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.
Mark
Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two Two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.
Wade
It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly.
Mark
This episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu. Futurama returns on September 15.
Bob
I love this show. It's a great show. I'm excited for another season.
Mark
Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back, defying gravity and common sense from the creator of The Simpsons come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger and the action is harder.
Bob
Don't miss the all new season of Futurama returning September 15th at 8pM Watch it on FXX or stream it on Hulu.
Podcast: Distractible
Date: February 21, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
In this lively and unpredictable episode, the Distractible crew turns the spotlight on Mark for a so-called “one man show”—though, true to form, it quickly devolves into collaborative chaos and comedic banter. Bob and Wade take charge, orchestrating segments meant both to challenge and to gently roast Mark. What ensues is a madcap mix of games (like “Easy Questions” and improvised horror stories), self-referential jokes, and callbacks to the show’s history with stingers and impressions. At the heart of it all: three old friends riffing on everything from caffeine withdrawal to tool benches, all with their signature blend of wit, self-deprecation, and absurdity.
Timestamps: 04:44 – 16:23
Wade's Basketball League Woes:
Mark's Life Change – Ditching Caffeine:
Bob's Tool Bench Journey:
Running Gags:
Timestamps: 18:57 – 27:14
Timestamps: 27:35 – 34:43
Timestamps: 35:51 – 43:41
Timestamps: 45:59 – 58:21
Timestamps: 59:48 – 61:51
Mark (on caffeine withdrawal):
“It’s getting to the point where I was drinking like a cup, maybe two, and a Red Bull a day – that’s so much caffeine.” – 07:15
Wade (on nostalgia for Mountain Dew at Skyline):
“I need a soda to go with the chili...Let’s not be crazy.” – 12:20
On tool collection and manhood:
“Sometimes it starts slow. It’s coming. Just wait. Workbench guy.” – Bob, 15:24
On “Easy Questions” game:
“Do you remember the wall? What was the wall built by the Roman emperor? The wall.” – Bob, 19:22
“Adrian’s wall.” – Mark, 19:29
Mark’s philosophical confusion:
“Matthew...Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey?” – 20:52
“Pierce Brosnan.” – 39:42
Impression highlight – Chica leads a revolution:
“Ach, Duliber! ...I know that I have natural charisma.” – Mark as Chica, 36:30
Stinger recreation meta-humor:
“I want you all to close your eyes. OK, imagine. Imagine. ...I don’t believe in ghosts. But when I turned around, I couldn’t explain what I was seeing.” – Mark, 48:00
As always, Distractible’s tone is irreverent, authentic, and brimming with inside jokes. The camaraderie is the real star—the trio’s mutual roasting, self-deprecation, and meta-podcasting jokes keep the energy high, even when the “one man show” is routinely interrupted and derailed.
“Mark’s One Man Show” is less a solo act and more a friendly ambush—Bob and Wade concoct a variety of tasks and games to keep Mark on his toes, resulting in a montage of giggly failures, surprise successes, callback jokes, and affectionate teasing. For regular Distractible listeners, it’s a delightful microcosm of everything that makes the show work: quick-witted banter, a parade of offbeat topics, and the chemistry only long-time friendships can generate.
Key Lesson:
Mark can handle a “one man show,” as long as he never actually gets to do it alone.