Mark's One Man Show

Summary

Distractible – “Mark's One Man Show”

Podcast: Distractible
Date: February 21, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

---

Overview

In this lively and unpredictable episode, the Distractible crew turns the spotlight on Mark for a so-called “one man show”—though, true to form, it quickly devolves into collaborative chaos and comedic banter. Bob and Wade take charge, orchestrating segments meant both to challenge and to gently roast Mark. What ensues is a madcap mix of games (like “Easy Questions” and improvised horror stories), self-referential jokes, and callbacks to the show’s history with stingers and impressions. At the heart of it all: three old friends riffing on everything from caffeine withdrawal to tool benches, all with their signature blend of wit, self-deprecation, and absurdity.

---

Key Discussion Points and Segments

1. Small Talk: Health & Home Improvements

Timestamps: 04:44 – 16:23

• Wade's Basketball League Woes:

  • Wade shares he’s considering joining a basketball league after a 15-year hiatus, humorously lamenting the state of his knees and fitness.
  • “Because I’m not in basketball shape and I'm bald now.” – Wade, 05:28

• Mark's Life Change – Ditching Caffeine:

  • Mark reveals he’s cutting caffeine due to its interference with his ADHD medication. The group riff on caffeine tolerance, energy drinks, and the “inverse” effects.
  • “I'm cutting caffeine because, you know...it’s just never actually hit me the way that I imagine things should.” – Mark, 07:50
  • Discussion devolves into Dr. Pepper cravings and soda nostalgia.

• Bob's Tool Bench Journey:

  • Bob proudly announces the acquisition of a workbench and an expanding collection of Ryobi tools, sparking jokes about the rite of passage into tool ownership and garage organization.
  • “That's the kind of workbench I aspire to: absolute clusterfuck of everything, but I know where it is.” – Bob, 14:18

• Running Gags:

  • Mark and Wade poke fun at tool terminology (“Adjustable wrench!”) and Wade’s “Tool the Tin Man”/“Tool the Tip Man” mix-up.
  • Mark’s comedic praise: “That might be one of the most clever jokes you’ve ever made...Everyone should be clapping. Everyone who's driving.” – Mark, 15:59

---

2. Game Segment – "Easy Questions"

Timestamps: 18:57 – 27:14

• Premise: Mark is grilled with a series of supposedly “easy” trivia questions (often in science and history)—with Bob and Wade relishing every near-miss.
• Memorable moments and quotes:
  • “I think, therefore I am.” becomes a recurring challenge—Mark repeatedly forgets the philosopher (Rene Descartes), erroneously guessing everyone from “Matthew McConaughey” to “Pierce Brosnan.”
    (see e.g., 20:55, 39:29, 55:21)
  • Mark’s struggle with the acronym CRISPR, resulting in running jokes throughout the episode: “CRISPR: Cell... Raw Insertion... Sensual pleasure reaction...” – Mark, 23:35
  • Genuine knowledge shines through at times: “What programming language was used to write the Apollo 11 guidance computer software?”
    “Probably assembly.” – Mark, 20:28
  • He nails “Europa” as Jupiter’s moon (22:33) and “Ridley Scott” as the director of Blade Runner (24:25).

---

3. Two Sentence Horror Stories

Timestamps: 27:35 – 34:43

• Format: Bob and Wade provide a prompt sentence; Mark must supply a second sentence to complete a spooky miniature story—though often with more comedy than horror.
• Highlights:
  • “The ground beneath my feet began to shift, and I knew something was wrong.”
    – “Especially because I was on the moon.” – Mark, 29:01
  • "Wake up, Daddy. My daughter cried, shaking me."
    – “I opened my eyes and saw the scariest kid I’ve ever seen.” – Mark, 31:16
  • Mark struggles to make some prompts scary, defaulting to comedic detours (e.g., “too bad I was in jail” as his sandwich-making horror, 32:18).
  • Frequent self-aware asides about his own creative process, often breaking into laughter with the others.

---

4. Impressions & Headline Parodies

Timestamps: 35:51 – 43:41

• Headline Guessing with Impressions:
  • Mark must extemporize the story behind absurd headlines, all while doing impressions (as Chica the dog, as Bob, as Herschel from The Walking Dead, and as “old Markiplier”).
  • As Chica (his dog):
    – “Ach, Duliber. I know that I have natural charisma... Are you tired, my fellow dogs, of not enough treats? ... We start with the little ones. Go!” – 36:30
  • As Bob, recounting chimney shenanigans:
    – “So there I was on the roof. I really had to go. ... I wiped with a shingle, slid down, my shoes flew off, landed in my Tesla... I drove off into the sunset.” – 38:17
  • As Herschel, with a mine cat narrative:
    – “My canary died. My jerk expired. My dog exploded. But my cat, my cat was alive. Or so I thought.” – 40:37
  • Old Markiplier stinger parody (Dorian Gray meets body horror):
    – “I went to the store and it was a painting and it was me... all their blood started exploding out of their bodies... I find that I can live forever through the sacrifice of everyone.” – 42:43

---

5. Classic & Absurd “Stinger” Recreation

Timestamps: 45:59 – 58:21

• Recreating Segment Intros (Stingers):
  • Mark is challenged to recreate various stinger intros from the podcast’s history, from memory.
  • “Morbid Mysteries of the Missing Millennium" and "Unusual Oddities of an Unreal Understanding”* – Mark does his best to echo faux-spooky narration and recycles his catchphrases (“Have you ever felt a chill down your spine…?”). See: 47:03, 47:54, 49:17, 50:29.
  • “The Greatest Good" – Mark hilariously floods his recreation with “ding ding ding” good-deed headlines and a corny inspirational vibe (52:04).
  • “Nightmares of Futures Past” – Mark admits he doesn’t remember this one and improvises. (53:45)
  • “It’s in the Air” – Mark struggles to remember one of his own more recent stingers, confesses to its wordiness, but gives a rousing attempt at recreating its bizarre, meandering narrative (57:02).

---

6. Running Gags & Callback Questions

• Bob and Wade periodically interrupt segments to quiz Mark on earlier answers—most notably, “What does CRISPR stand for?” and “Who is credited with ‘I think, therefore I am?’”
• “Pierce Brosnan.” – Mark, persistently, to Bob & Wade’s increasing delight.

---

7. Finale: The "Loser Speech"

Timestamps: 59:48 – 61:51

• Mark Delivers a Mock Sponsor Read:
  • As (fake) sponsor for “tallmanshoes.com,” Mark must read a rhyming, self-deprecating ad for height-increasing shoes.
  • “Put tallmanshoes.com saw me through. 2 to 5 inches taller you’ll stand; no more feeling like less of a man.” – Mark, 61:06
• Mark’s “Winner” Mindset:
  • Despite being declared the “loser,” Mark caps it off:
    • “I'm not, I'm a winner because I not only met, but I exceeded all of their expectations in every way. And also — clustered regularly interspaced short palindromic repeats.” – Mark, 61:32

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mark (on caffeine withdrawal):
  “It’s getting to the point where I was drinking like a cup, maybe two, and a Red Bull a day – that’s so much caffeine.” – 07:15

• Wade (on nostalgia for Mountain Dew at Skyline):
  “I need a soda to go with the chili...Let’s not be crazy.” – 12:20

• On tool collection and manhood:
  “Sometimes it starts slow. It’s coming. Just wait. Workbench guy.” – Bob, 15:24

• On “Easy Questions” game:
  “Do you remember the wall? What was the wall built by the Roman emperor? The wall.” – Bob, 19:22
  “Adrian’s wall.” – Mark, 19:29

• Mark’s philosophical confusion:
  “Matthew...Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey?” – 20:52
  “Pierce Brosnan.” – 39:42

• Impression highlight – Chica leads a revolution:
  “Ach, Duliber! ...I know that I have natural charisma.” – Mark as Chica, 36:30

• Stinger recreation meta-humor:
  “I want you all to close your eyes. OK, imagine. Imagine. ...I don’t believe in ghosts. But when I turned around, I couldn’t explain what I was seeing.” – Mark, 48:00

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 04:44 – 16:23: Small Talk (basketball, caffeine, tools)
• 18:57 – 27:14: Easy Questions trivia game
• 27:35 – 34:43: Two Sentence Horror Stories
• 35:51 – 43:41: Impressions & Headline Stories
• 45:59 – 58:21: Stinger Recreation
• 59:48 – 61:51: Loser Speech and Wrap-up

---

Tone and Style

As always, Distractible’s tone is irreverent, authentic, and brimming with inside jokes. The camaraderie is the real star—the trio’s mutual roasting, self-deprecation, and meta-podcasting jokes keep the energy high, even when the “one man show” is routinely interrupted and derailed.

---

Final Thoughts

“Mark’s One Man Show” is less a solo act and more a friendly ambush—Bob and Wade concoct a variety of tasks and games to keep Mark on his toes, resulting in a montage of giggly failures, surprise successes, callback jokes, and affectionate teasing. For regular Distractible listeners, it’s a delightful microcosm of everything that makes the show work: quick-witted banter, a parade of offbeat topics, and the chemistry only long-time friendships can generate.

---

For New Listeners

• Expect a fast pace, running bits, and many self-referential moments.
• Even without deep prior knowledge of the show’s history, you’ll find plenty to enjoy in the spontaneous comedy and group dynamic.
• Standout moments: Mark’s impressions, the “Easy Questions” gaffes, and the lovingly lampooned stinger recreations.

---

Key Lesson:
Mark can handle a “one man show,” as long as he never actually gets to do it alone.

Transcript

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Hershey's. When it comes to a sweet treat, I love a combo like those two flavors that just go together perfectly like a little party in your mouth. I think most people are with me on this, right? If you want the ultimate combo, I think you should give Hershey's Cookies and Cream a try. If you haven't had it, where have you been? Rich, smooth white cream packed with crunchy chocolatey cookie bits in every bite. It's a delicious balance of flavor and texture. Hershey's Cookies and Cream Creamy, crunchy and all yours. Find Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars at a store near you today. This episode is brought to you by degree Degree is for the hustlers who put in the sweat, which we know a thing or two about.

[Mark]

For 35 years, 11 months, 28 days and 6 hours, I didn't believe in deodorant, but then Degree came along.

[Bob]

If you can relate to three relatable guys like us, Degree advance has you covered with up to 72 hour sweat and odor protection. Degree here for sweat Buy now. This episode is brought to you by T Mobile 5G Home Internet. I'm sure everyone can agree with me when I say that nowadays everything in your house keeps getting smarter. Smart speakers, smart mirror, smart toaster, smart coffee maker, smart shoes, smart carpet. Everything. What isn't smart? Luckily, t mobile 5G home Internet makes it easy to keep all your devices connected. With their quick one cord setup, you can hop online in literally 15 minutes or less. They've also got fast speeds, a price that works for any budget, and a five year price guarantee. So if you're looking for Internet that keeps up with you, connect to T Mobile Home Internet for their fast 5G speeds, easy 15 minute setup and 5 year price guarantee. Visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check. Availability guarantees monthly price of fixed wireless 5G Internet data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. Service delivered via 5G network speeds vary due to factors affecting cellular networks. Guarantee exclusions and details@t mobile.com homeinternet.

[Mark]

Good evening Gentle listener and welcome to Distractable this episode. Businesslike Bob diagnoses Dr. P, benches Wade, cautions drivers, asks more easy questions and gets horrific Wildcat Wade muppets out, cuts the Colombian and slings out softies. Medicinal Mark crusades against caffeine penile shrinkage and performs a tour de force while being battered by the boys From Rene Descartes to Sempiternal Stingers.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Mark]

It'S time for Mark's one Man Show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hi, welcome to Distractable. This is a very special episode because even though I'm doing the intro, I'm not the host for some reason. I'm one man and this is my show. And alongside me are the and friends, Bob and Wade.

[Bob]

I feel like insulting us right as we're about to have total control over what you're about to do on a recorded video podcast is a bold choice, but I'll take it. That's basically what I said.

[Mark]

Wow.

[Wade]

That was my attempted Muppet laugh. I don't know if it worked.

[Mark]

Yeah, came right through. That's what I thought.

[Wade]

I could tell by the reaction it was not.

[Bob]

Well, Mark has no idea what's about to happen during this episode. It's called one man show and I don't think Wade and I really came up with an idea that is a traditional old school one man show. But it will be Mark show and he's the man. But we thought we could start with small talk. We're not trying to torture you every second of the whole thing. Some of it might be tough. We're all friends here, you know.

[Mark]

I don't know why it has to be torture. That's the thing.

[Bob]

I thought that was the joke. I thought it was a punishment.

[Mark]

Well, I mean punishment or joyous occasion like woo. It's like winning the lottery. You know, we hit the random chance. That was really rare.

[Bob]

And, oh, never in my life have I bought a lottery ticket and then thought, man, I don't want that to happen ever. God, please don't.

[Mark]

That's what I mean. That's what I mean. So it could be good, right?

[Bob]

Maybe it can't be that bad.

[Mark]

It couldn't possibly be that bad.

[Bob]

You're a funny guy and we're stupid, so, you know, we'll be fine.

[Wade]

May I point you, Bob, to subsections 4 and 5? If you say it can't be that bad, it might have a couple of parts.

[Bob]

That's up to him how bad those are. Listen, that's fair.

[Mark]

Section 4, subsection A, subsection I. I.

[Wade]

See what you did there, Bob, and I'm laughing, but I can't say anything out loud.

[Bob]

It's fine. It'll be fine.

[Mark]

I'm laughing too.

[Bob]

I'm really excited for five, more than anything. But small talk. We always do this. How's everybody doing? Anyone got small talks?

[Wade]

I went to a UC University of Cincinnati basketball game. Oddly enough, we all went to UC while attending. I never Once went to a basketball game. I don't know why, but I didn't. I went to a game for a friend's birthday and he had like 20 people there, so they got like one of the boxes. It was 100 bucks a person for a box seat, which is not bad. But went to the UC game and UC played very well. They actually won the game. It was really fun. And I had a friend convince me that maybe a month ish from now I might be joining a basketball league for the first time in 15 years. And let me tell you, why is that?

[Mark]

Why does that need a laugh?

[Wade]

Because I'm not in basketball shape and I'm bald now.

[Bob]

Wade's knees have never been more terrified.

[Wade]

Literally. Like, I think two months ago I told my. Like, I finally feel like for the first time in a decade, my knees don't hurt. Every time I go up and down the stairs and then this conversation about joining a basketball league happen, my knees, I felt them quiver.

[Bob]

Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that will be fun. And that sounds like a great idea. I wish I was in shape enough to play even a sport casually. I'm not.

[Wade]

I'm not either.

[Bob]

I would just die. I tried to play basketball, I think.

[Wade]

But I asked them if it was a half court league instead of full court and they laughed at me.

[Bob]

Got to run all the way from the one end to the other end every time.

[Wade]

Basketball is a lot of running.

[Bob]

Maybe you'll just be an offense guy. Maybe you just stand down there on that end. Maybe they don't need you on the other side.

[Wade]

I'm more likely to be the defense guy. I always like defense more than offense. But anyway, maybe, maybe sports. Maybe shape. Maybe dead.

[Mark]

I mean, that's all of our lives, really, day to day.

[Bob]

That's true. There's a couple more maybes in there probably, sometimes, but that's about right.

[Mark]

I am making a huge, sweeping change in my life that has needed to happen for years and years.

[Wade]

A haircut.

[Mark]

Shut up. Damn, you're just jealous.

[Bob]

Hey, somehow Wade still gets haircuts, which I don't understand, but continue.

[Mark]

As you guys know, I've had ADHD for a while and I've always known that my ADHD medication doesn't play well with caffeine.

[Wade]

So you're getting off the medication?

[Mark]

Well, one or the other. No, I'm cutting caffeine out of my life. Finally. Hey, I've done this before.

[Bob]

What's in that mug you're drinking from there?

[Mark]

Decaf. Which still has like Trace amounts of caffeine in it.

[Bob]

Yeah, it's a little bit. Right, but.

[Mark]

But I'm like, it's almost impossible to avoid because even like most sodas have it in it. I'm just not going after coffee and Red Bulls because it was getting to the point where I was drinking like a cup of coffee, maybe two and a Red Bull a day. And it's like, that's so much caffeine.

[Wade]

And was Red Bull your creamer?

[Mark]

Oh, it's like a bad. What's the word? The Guinness and Red Bull.

[Bob]

What's that called? Guinness and Red Bull. Is that the one that's called an Irish Car Bomb or is that a different one?

[Mark]

No, that's a different one.

[Wade]

Let me tell you. Don't. Don't mix Guinness and Lucky Charms.

[Bob]

I wouldn't.

[Mark]

I won't.

[Bob]

I never was in danger of that.

[Mark]

Happening in the multiverse. Never had occurred until now. I guess now there's multiple universes that are spawning off. Anyway, I'm cutting caffeine because, you know, it's, it's like, it's just never actually hit me the way that I imagine things should. It's more about the B vitamins and I've talked about that before and like the, the energy drinks. But now I, I just take a daily B vitamin supplement and that's helping out a lot because when I'm taking to stars, it's just, it's a long term, it's extended throughout the day. So I never really get to the point where I'm like, oh, I'm tired, I need a pick me up. But as soon as I drink a cup of coffee, I go home so tired because it has a weird inverse effect sometimes. And it's just like, man, I'm just like sleepy time now. So I'm cutting it out and I'm going to be not doing it anymore.

[Bob]

That's admirable, though. I've not cut it out completely for a long period, but I did almost a month where I did like a kind of a caffeine reset. Man, that first energy drink. The month after I did the reset, I was like, holy shit, it does something that was last year. I'm already at the point now where I. I'll get the biggest can of Red Bull they sell and I chug the whole thing and I'm like, oh, God, I need a nap. Ooh, that's like, that's not, that's really not good.

[Mark]

I've heard chemically in your brain, it's like caffeine only works in small amounts periodically. And if you get used, unless you hit your threshold of caffeine, it acts as like a depressant instead. And you kind of just generally doesn't work as well. More relaxing than anything. But then you, you. That's why you keep elevating the amount and up and up and up. I'm not trying to say that everyone out there shouldn't drink coffee or take caffeine. It's just that, like, ADHD medication is already a stimulant as it is. Like astaris is a milder one, but it's still a stimulant and it still affects you. And then caffeine on top of that, it's just too many stimulants, probably not good for the body, not great for the systems, bad for the sleep. And so I'm trying to fix all that.

[Bob]

That's admirable. I'm eternally jealous of people where caffeine is just like a thing they can do. And it gives them. Like Mandy has that. Mandy is super sensitive to caffeine. And so like, if she gets a bad night's sleep and the next morning it's just like super rough, she could just be like, oh man, I'm going to have a sip of Dr. Pepper. That will help. And then she has like half a Dr. Pepper and she's like, oh, the caffeine. I'm like, what the fuck is it Dr. Pepper? What happened? Like, I wish I had that. God damn.

[Mark]

I wouldn't mind doing an energy drink or coffee or something when it's needed. Like, I need to stay up tonight and do something. I better take this because that's what it's for. As opposed to just getting up every day and then taking it, which kind of defeats the purpose. But again, everyone can do whatever they do. I don't want to upset the capitalist machine.

[Bob]

Oh, Mark's right. Caffeine is the devil.

[Mark]

Oh, no, no.

[Bob]

Shrinks your penis, I assume, drinks your penis.

[Mark]

Let's look up information about that.

[Bob]

Does caffeine shrink penis?

[Mark]

I just looked up the AI overview. Just like, no, there is no evidence that caffeine shrinks the penis. And just that line is highlighted by Google.

[Bob]

What a definitive answer. That's.

[Mark]

Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.

[Wade]

AI Overlord.

[Bob]

That's a weird thing because it's not even caffeine either. Separately, soda. The sweetness especially of sugar free soda, it's so sweet. It's hard to match that because I like, like sparkling water, like flavored sparkling water. Like right now I'm in a bad cycle where I've been drinking a lot of like Sprite Zero and sweet stuff. And when I get that craving, that fruity seltzer water tastes awful. This isn't sweet enough. I want the cloying sweetness of a drink that tastes like it's going to kill me.

[Mark]

It's the sweet one.

[Wade]

Or whatever the Dr. Pepper commercials were.

[Mark]

Yeah, it's the sweet one. I think they're all the sweet one.

[Wade]

Couldn't tell you. But I do like Dr. Pepper.

[Bob]

It's one of the many flavors in Dr. Pepper. Sweet one.

[Wade]

It's also hard whenever you pair things together. Like, I used to drink so much soda with everything that there are certain foods when I eat it. Like, like if I go to Skyline, I need a soda to go with the chili.

[Bob]

They don't have Mountain Dew at Skyline anymore. It's kind of ruined.

[Wade]

I was always Pepsi with Skyline. Now I do Dr. Pepper because they have their Coke products now.

[Bob]

They switched to Coke products and they have mellow yellow. But no one carries mellow yellow Zero on tap. They always had Diet Mountain Dew up in there. So disappointed about that one, but I'll survive. Probably should just not eat Skyline or Diet Mountain Dew anymore.

[Wade]

Okay, let's not be crazy.

[Mark]

He's right.

[Wade]

What if you bring your own Mountain Dew to Skyline but you buy a mellow yellow, Then you just like asks for just a cup of ice and you're like, I will pay for the soda, but I need my Mountain Dew, which is how you drink Mountain Dew. You have to shake as you pour it.

[Bob]

I feel like the rational solution is to just get Skyline to go, which is not the same.

[Wade]

It's not as good to go. It's still good, but you can ask.

[Bob]

For the cheese on the side, which helps.

[Wade]

A three way is not the same on your table as it is someone else's, you know?

[Bob]

Oh, I eat my three way on my lap like a dog.

[Mark]

But even if you're in the restaurant, just at the bar, I'll take it in my lap, please. Here's your order. You just spin your stool, like gesture to your crotch.

[Wade]

I don't like barking at my dick. That was not a fun experience.

[Mark]

What did you do to your dick?

[Wade]

For some reason, whenever I was eating off my lap, I went. I don't know why that was my response to that.

[Mark]

Must have missed.

[Bob]

That is you were talking and he, he did you. What'd you scare your dick? A little bit.

[Wade]

Thankfully. It's hard to scare it any smaller after my Caffeine intake.

[Bob]

Hey, Google says there's no evidence supporting that.

[Wade]

Well, my PP says there is.

[Mark]

Okay. All right.

[Bob]

Well, I was just trying to think of small talk this whole time.

[Wade]

Yeah, big talk.

[Bob]

Wait. I got a workbench in the garage, Mark. I got an altar to put all my Ryobi products on. Oh, well, it's one of those rolling tool chests with the workbench on top kind of thing. So it's got, like, 20 drawers that I'll pull out. Since I got that, I also ordered a couple things, Ryobi. Things that were on sale. So I have more Ryobi in my life than I had previously.

[Mark]

You do enter a phase in your life when you get a workbench and you start collecting your tools. I have a workbench, but it's not organized, so I can't say that there's any pride going on in there. But Jason keeps all of his tools extremely, extremely organized. Like, absolutely everything has a label. Everything is in its place. You just cut out a bunch of tool slots for everything. So I'm envious of that.

[Bob]

But I. I don't feel like you have to do that to. To be a real workbench guy. I've been watching a lot of woodworking YouTube, and I like the workbenches where the guy pulls a drawer open and it's just like someone took every wrench in existence and just went. And the guy opens it and like, ah, yeah, I need a three. Eight. Sweet. Yeah, there it is. Like, he knows where it is. Even though it looks like an absolute clusterfuck of everything. That's the kind of workbench I aspire to.

[Mark]

I want the drawer that you open and go, oh, you gotta wiggle it. Open the drawer above, hit a hammer on it, then it opens. That's what I want.

[Wade]

I think I own a hammer, a wrench. I think I own at least one of each of those tools.

[Bob]

Those are good things to have.

[Mark]

What size?

[Wade]

Oh, they fit in my hand, and they have a little thing that makes.

[Bob]

Them go that's called adjustable wrench.

[Wade]

Yeah, got one of those.

[Mark]

Why is it called that?

[Wade]

Because you can adjust the mouth.

[Bob]

This guy thinks he's not a workbench guy. You're a workbench guy. You're on the way.

[Wade]

I'm more of a junk drawer guy with a couple tools I was given.

[Bob]

Over the years where it starts.

[Wade]

It hasn't evolved yet. After 10 years of having those things.

[Bob]

Oh, sometimes it starts slow. It's coming. Just wait. Workbench guy.

[Wade]

Two Weeks from I'll come back and I'm Tool the Tim man or Tool.

[Bob]

The Tip Man Taylor.

[Wade]

Close enough. My brain couldn't figure out what was wrong with the sentence. I was like, no, those are all the correct words.

[Bob]

I'm glad you got.

[Mark]

Was really good.

[Bob]

You have to do a backwards Wade.

[Mark]

Yeah. You didn't get that wave. That was for you.

[Bob]

It's inverted, just like Tool the Tin Man.

[Mark]

That might be one of the most clever jokes you've ever made. That was. That was great. I'm gonna applaud you.

[Bob]

That just makes me question myself when you say things like that.

[Mark]

No, it's really, I think, was it that funny?

[Bob]

I make funny jokes.

[Mark]

Very intelligent, quick to come up with joke. Not to hyper analyze the comedy of it. But that is actually really fast to come up with that idea. And it's very funny. Everyone should be clapping. Everyone who's driving.

[Bob]

They are. They are. Take your hands off the wheel. Both hands. Clap loudly.

[Mark]

Oh.

[Bob]

Roll your window down and stick your torso out and scream to the world. No, but seriously, car accidents while listening to this podcast have never been higher. Please be careful. Mark, are you.

[Zepbound Ad]

If you're an adult struggling with obesity, if you've struggled for years and years, you are not alone. But Zepbound Tirzepatide is changing what's possible when it comes to weight loss. Along with diet and exercise. Proven to help lose weight and keep it off, Zepbound is a prescription medicine for adults with obesity or some adults with overweight who also have weight related medical problems. Zepbound should be used with a reduced calorie diet and increased physical activity. Zepbound injection is Approved as a 2.5, 5, 7.5, 10, 12.5 or 15 milligrams per 0.5 milliliters instead of single dose pen or single dose vial, don't use with other Tirzepatide containing products or any GLP1 receptor agonist medicines. It is not known if Zepbound can be used in children.

Don't take Zepbound if allergic to it or if you or someone in your family had medullary thyroid cancer or multiple endocrine neoplasia syndrome type 2. Tell your doctor if you get a lump or swelling in your neck. Stop Zepbound and call your doctor if you have severe stomach pain or a serious allergic reaction. Severe side effects may include inflamed pancreas or gallbladder problems. Tell your doctor if you experience vision changes, depression or suicidal thoughts before scheduled procedures with anesthesia. If you're nursing pregnant, plan to be or taking birth control pills. Taking Zepbound with a sulfonylurea or insulin may cause low blood sugar. Side effects include nausea, diarrhea, and vomiting, which can cause dehydration and worsen kidney problems.

Discover the weight loss you could be bound for. Ask your healthcare provider about Zepbound or call 1-800-545-5979. Explore savings options regardless of insurance status at save on zepbound.com terms and conditions apply.

[Bob]

This episode is brought to you by Hershey's. When it comes to a sweet treat, I love a combo like those two flavors that just go together perfectly like a little party in your mouth. I think most people are with me on this, right? If you want the ultimate combo, I think you should give Hershey's Cookies and Cream a try. If you haven't had it, where have you been? Rich, smooth white cream packed with crunchy, chocolatey cookie bits in every bite. It's a delicious balance of flavor and texture. Hershey's cookies and Cream. Creamy, crunchy, and all yours. Find Hershey's Cookies and Cream bars at a store near you today. Prepared.

[Mark]

I. What? Do I need to be prepared?

[Bob]

You don't need to be prepared. You just need to brace yourself.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Bob]

All right, Wade, do you want me to kick it off?

[Wade]

By all means.

[Bob]

Our first game today is a classic. It's one we've all enjoyed. The viewers have requested more of it, so I think it's time we call this one Easy Questions.

[Mark]

I thought you were going to say change. I was like, oh, God, no.

[Bob]

No. We could add that in if you want that.

[Mark]

No, no, it's okay. I don't need that.

[Bob]

Easy Questions, Mark.

[Mark]

When did we play that?

[Bob]

Well, there were 20 easy questions previously. Do you remember the wall? What? Was the wall built by the Roman emperor? The wall.

[Mark]

Adrian's wall.

[Wade]

I think you've got this one, Mark.

[Mark]

Is it the same questions?

[Bob]

No, it's the same question. What was the most commonly occurring, naturally occurring element on Earth? Do you remember, Mark?

[Mark]

You remember Stadium Astrote.

[Bob]

It's ass. What about the treaty, Mark? What's the treaty?

[Mark]

Winnebago. Whoa. Westphalia.

[Bob]

No, it's okay. I know you know those ones because they're so easy. We have new easy Questions, Mark.

[Mark]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Bob]

And you should know these. Some of them you've learned, like Wade taught us about philosophy. Most of them are science. He loves science. Space.

[Mark]

I love science.

[Wade]

Yeah, we'll just rotate, Bob. You ask one, I'll ask one. And we'll.

[Bob]

We'll go through Apollo 11. Mark, you know things about space.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Bob]

What programming language was used to write the Apollo 11 guidance computer software?

[Mark]

Probably assembly.

[Bob]

See? Good job. You know these.

[Wade]

Another easy one. Which philosopher is credited with the quote, I think, therefore I am.

[Mark]

I don't fucking know.

[Bob]

Whities Widow. Philosophy Hour. We talked about this.

[Wade]

One of the most well known, at least top 20.

[Bob]

I think you made a series of jokes riffing on this exact quote.

[Mark]

Matthew. Are you talking about Matthew McConaughey?

[Wade]

I don't think that is the.

[Mark]

R E F4.

[Wade]

That is not the philosopher's name.

[Mark]

Oh, I thought that was pretty close. Socrates.

[Wade]

So close. Rene Descartes.

[Bob]

Of course. Yeah, obviously.

[Mark]

Of course.

[Bob]

Back to science. What is the half life of carbon 14? Come on, man, you know this. Easy question.

[Mark]

Oh, man. Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

Do you love science? You love science?

[Mark]

Uh huh. Oh, well, obviously the answer is 1,248,321 years.

[Bob]

So close. So, so close, bud. But not quite. Of course. The half life of carbon 14 is 5730 years. You knew that. You knew that. You just couldn't remember. Just couldn't remember.

[Mark]

That's how many feet are in a mile.

[Bob]

Exactly. Sure. Yeah, yeah.

[Wade]

Which moon of Jupiter is known for its subsurface ocean potential for harboring life?

[Mark]

That stupid piece of shit. What is this? Fucking ass moon thinks it's better than us. You asshole.

[Bob]

Moon.

[Mark]

You piece of. What's your name? I don't know. Oh, what's your name? What's your name?

[Wade]

What's your name?

[Bob]

Oh, I love that song. Yeah.

[Mark]

Oh, his name. What's your name? Is it Europa?

[Bob]

It's Europa. Hey, this guy. All right, Mark. We did almost an entire episode where this was a thing we talked about extensively, and I believe it was a thing that you brought up. I know you know this.

[Mark]

Oh, great. Okay. Okay.

[Bob]

What does CRISPR stand for in the field of genetic engineering? I know you know this. These are all words that everyone knows, probably. Except maybe that one.

[Wade]

I'll give you a hint. It starts with a C. Yeah.

[Mark]

Crispr. C, R, I, S, P, R. All right.

[Bob]

And you know the letters. That's not the question we asked, but that's pretty good.

[Mark]

Don't tell me if I'm right or wrong until I get to the end of it. Okay. All right. All right. Sell.

[Bob]

I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. No one said anything. No one said a word.

[Wade]

So if we just make faces while he guesses, he'll never Know I'll make the same.

[Bob]

I'll react the same way to every guess if it's right or wrong.

[Mark]

Cell.

[Bob]

Raw Insertion.

[Mark]

Sensual pleasure reaction.

[Bob]

Ah.

[Mark]

So close.

[Bob]

So close. So close.

[Mark]

Yeah. What was it?

[Bob]

Put your listening ears on. Because, of course, CRISPR stands for Clustered Regularly interspaced Short Palindromic repeats.

[Mark]

What did you. I blacked out.

[Wade]

What did you just say?

[Bob]

Clustered Regularly interspaced Short palindromic repeats.

[Mark]

Palindromic?

[Bob]

Yeah. You know palindrome?

[Mark]

Yeah, I know about.

[Bob]

You know about palindromes?

[Mark]

Yeah. I didn't know that was in the name.

[Bob]

Race car is a palindrome.

[Mark]

Oh, it was a good attempt.

[Wade]

I got a softball for you.

[Bob]

You definitely know this one. I'm already knocking it off the list. I'm already checking it off. You know it.

[Wade]

Who directed the 1982 cyberpunk film Blade Runner?

[Mark]

Oh, Ridley Scott. Hey.

[Bob]

See this guy?

[Mark]

Right?

[Bob]

Okay, great. What is the Schwarzschild radius?

[Mark]

Oh, yeah. It's something to do with a black hole, I think, but it's not the event horizon. Or is that something else? What has a radius in life? What radii is half the diameter? He's great.

[Bob]

All right, Wade.

[Mark]

All right, moving on. Next question.

[Bob]

Wade answered his own question. Sorry.

[Mark]

All right. It's something to do with the black hole, I think, but it's not the event horizon. So it must be just like the minimum or something size that things must be compressed down to to become a black hole or something like that. I don't remember.

[Bob]

That's honestly so close. But I can't give it to you.

[Mark]

That's fair.

[Bob]

But the Schwarzschild radius is the radius of the event horizon of a black hole.

[Mark]

Oh, so it is the event horizon. Oh, okay. I was like. I kept being like. It doesn't have anything to do with her. It doesn't have anything to do with human.

[Bob]

Yeah, you were right there. Except for the 1 should have been a 0. Or vice versa. The 0 should have been a 1. That was very good. You're smart guy.

[Wade]

All right, another softy. In what year did the Cultural Revolution begin in China?

[Mark]

Which one?

[Bob]

The Most recent one.

[Mark]

1937.

[Wade]

1937, sure. Ooh, very close.

[Bob]

19 was good guess.

[Wade]

66.

[Mark]

Ah, okay. Right. Oh, you're talking about the. The communist.

[Bob]

The Mao Zedong revolution.

[Mark]

I see, I see.

[Bob]

Contemporarily, that's referred to as the Cultural Revolution.

[Mark]

Right. I see, I see, I see. Okay.

[Bob]

All right. Mark, you know this one?

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Which element was synthesized in 1994 and named for a famous physicist, probably Einsteinium. Yay.

[Mark]

Okay. All right.

[Bob]

And you remembered astatine and everything.

[Mark]

I did. Did I say astatine?

[Wade]

You said as tanium. It was your clothes.

[Mark]

Oh, before. Okay. I thought somehow I had. My lips had moved and words had come out and I didn't notice it.

[Bob]

Black out and say something else.

[Mark]

Maybe.

[Wade]

Who was the last Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt?

[Mark]

Ptolemy.

[Wade]

Great guess, but no. Cleopatra VII the seventh.

[Bob]

I mean, that's sort of the one I think we know as Cleopatra, but yes.

[Mark]

Okay, all right, gotcha. Okay.

[Wade]

But there is a vii, which historians have told me means seven.

[Mark]

Okay, all right, that's true. All right.

[Bob]

You did pretty good, Mark. You got four correct and six almost correct.

[Mark]

All right, what does that get me?

[Wade]

The next segment.

[Bob]

Yeah. You've earned the right to move on to the next segment, Mark.

[Mark]

Yay. I would hate it to end early.

[Bob]

This is one that we've also done before and you thoroughly excelled at and everyone very much enjoyed your offerings in this episode. Unfortunately, Wade and I are not going to be trying to keep up with you this go round, so it's going to be just you. Everyone will be excited to hear. The next game is called Two Sentence Horror Stories.

[Mark]

Oh, God, no. Oh, God.

[Wade]

Look like you're wearing your spooky pants.

[Mark]

All right, I'm ready. Let's do this. Come on, bring it on. I'm good.

[Wade]

Bob, would you like to lead us off again?

[Bob]

Sure. You. So if there's anyone who doesn't listen to that episode, you should go listen to it. Mark absolutely shines. I'm going to give Mark one sentence and his job is to give me the second sentence to make a two sentence horror story. You'll get it once we start going. But just in case the ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong. Let him cook. Give me a sec.

[Mark]

Give me one more time.

[Bob]

The ground beneath my feet began to shift and I knew something was wrong.

[Mark]

It's an earthquake. Ooh, a spooky earthquake. Ooh, look, if you're not afraid of an earthquake, it's going to be scary.

[Bob]

That's true. I've only really ever experienced one earthquake in real life, and it was the babiest earthquake ever. It was. I was live on stream when it happened and I basically was just all, I think that was an earthquake. It was terrifying. For the half second before my body could process what was happening, it was like, oh, no, the house is collapsing or something. It's scary.

[Mark]

I got another. I Got another. Wade, wait. Cue me up. That same one.

[Wade]

The ground beneath my feet began to shift, and I knew something was wrong.

[Mark]

Especially because I was on the moon. Shut up. Just shut up.

[Bob]

No, that does work. Because of moon worms, right?

[Mark]

Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

[Wade]

Should we skip around through these a few bob? We have a lot. I imagine we'll just pick out some of our favorites.

[Bob]

If you have any favorites, you could skip right to them.

[Wade]

I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching, so I turned around.

[Bob]

You know about turning around? Yeah.

[Wade]

I thought this was a softball. I heard something faintly at first, but quickly approaching, so I turned around.

[Mark]

That was the fastest ghost I've ever seen.

[Bob]

Oh, I like that. I like that we're laughing, but I do like that. That's good. That's good.

[Mark]

I like that we're laughing more at.

[Wade]

Your process of coming up with it.

[Mark]

I don't know. What am I supposed to say?

[Wade]

It just looks like you're being stabbed with a voodoo doll while you try.

[Mark]

To come up with these.

[Bob]

If only you had practice being in positions where you had to improvise language coming out of your mouth on the spot.

[Mark]

I can come up with anything. But if it's supposed to be like a horror story, you turn around, what is it like? Oh, no. Grandma under fast mobility chair, start. What do you see? A moose.

[Bob]

Yeah, mooses are scary. Mooses could be terrifying. That's fine. No, don't worry, Mark. We'll keep it fresh here. This will be a little palette cleanser before we get into the next two sentence horror story, Mark, what is the half life of carbon 14?

[Mark]

Ah, it's the same as a mile. 5730, baby.

[Bob]

Holy shit, he got it right.

[Mark]

I'm never gonna remember what an actual mile is, but I will always say.

[Bob]

All right, good job. See, this is designed for you to succeed.

[Mark]

Yeah, I feel successful. Am I not gonna be allowed to finish Descenda's horror stories until I answer all the questions?

[Bob]

Oh, we don't have rules that complicated.

[Mark]

Okay, good.

[Bob]

All right, Finish this horror story. Wake up, Daddy. My daughter cried, shaking me. Kids are scary. Kids are inherently scary. You got a lot to work with here.

[Mark]

Hit me again.

[Bob]

Wake up, Daddy. My daughter cried, shaking me.

[Mark]

I opened my eyes and saw the scariest kid I've ever seen. You said kids are scary.

[Bob]

Yeah, kids are scary. Kids are scary.

[Mark]

So I was like, ah, that's his fear. I'll tap right into that fear. And I. I got. I think I got you. I think you're just Hiding your fear.

[Bob]

Hey, if my daughter tried to wake me up by shaking me, I would be terrified, since I don't have one of those. That was good. That was concise. Good job. Thank you. We're not keeping track of points, but if we were, you would have earned a point for that.

[Wade]

All right, here we go. All I wanted to do was make a sandwich.

[Mark]

I feel like that's not a sentence. I feel like that's. I. I feel like that's not a complete sentence.

[Bob]

That's a whole sentence.

[Mark]

I don't think it is. I think it's.

[Bob]

I want to make a sandwich.

[Mark]

All I wanted to do.

[Bob]

Well, that was the qualifier, but I want to make a sandwich. I wanted to make a sandwich.

[Mark]

All right, all right, all right.

[Bob]

It was all I wanted to do.

[Mark]

Hit me again.

[Wade]

All I wanted to do was make a sandwich.

[Mark]

Too bad I was in jail. I'm trying, man. No, they're great.

[Wade]

I love this.

[Mark]

How do I make a sandwich scary?

[Bob]

I don't know. What's in the sandwich? Scary stuff.

[Mark]

Yeah, I pulled out the divorce bread. Oh, no. I got the mayonnaise. That makes you old anyway.

[Bob]

That's a tough balance. The old mayonnaise and the young mustard. Gotta get it just right or the sandwich really fucks you up.

[Mark]

All right, I'm ready.

[Bob]

You want it scary? I'll give you an unquestionably scary setup. I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had covered in sweat.

[Mark]

Guys, it's not going to be good.

[Bob]

I believe in you.

[Mark]

No, it's not.

[Bob]

You can do it.

[Wade]

It's gonna be great.

[Mark]

It's the same. The same thing. Guys, it's great. That's fine. I dreamt I was in the scariest sauna you've ever seen.

[Bob]

I like that. I like that. Tyson. The nightmare ties in the. Covered in sweat. I like that.

[Mark]

I couldn't get sauna out of my head. It just was stuck there from the very beginning. I was like, why would he be sweating? Oh, sauna.

[Wade]

Ready for one more?

[Mark]

No. Great.

[Wade]

I opened my eyes and I was drifting, floating in the middle of the ocean. Alone.

[Mark]

That's already scary by itself. I don't need to make anything else. Period. Period. Period Terrifying.

[Wade]

There's already a period at the end of this quote.

[Mark]

Parentheses or. Yeah, parentheses. Oh, no. Period. Parenthesis said I. All right, Bob.

[Wade]

I'm learning a lesson. We gotta give him a scary intro.

[Bob]

But not too scary. He loses the ability to think if you go right after his fears.

[Mark]

I think that's a good you know, if I was in the middle of the ocean, I would say, oh, no, because that's all this. That's all the scariness. That's. Oh, no.

[Bob]

Said I. I mean, it is a horror story. You can't hit him with the old, oh, no. He said, yeah, true.

[Wade]

Oh, no.

[Bob]

Terrifiedly, no, I know what we have to do next. I know what we have to do next. Mark, what does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering?

[Mark]

Fuck you.

[Bob]

I told you.

[Mark]

I know you did. I know you did, all right?

[Bob]

I know it's in there. Those words, they're in there. You know this cell.

[Mark]

That's not right.

[Bob]

You can't react.

[Mark]

Clustered. Clustered. Clustered.

[Bob]

Oh, no, it's an R, actually. Next.

[Mark]

Clustered. Renticulated. Inverted. Oh, palindromic. Wait.

[Bob]

S.

[Mark]

Succulent. Palindromic. I got two of them. I think I got two of them.

[Bob]

You got one of those, right?

[Mark]

I got two clustered.

[Bob]

Oh, no. You did throw palindrom. That's true. That's correct. It stands for clustered regularly interspaced short palindromic repeats.

[Mark]

Ah. Well, I didn't finish my word. My mic cut off. I said, and you didn't hear the Pete's at the end there.

[Wade]

That's fair. We did not hear the Pete's.

[Bob]

All right, Mark, we'll go back to something I know you're good at.

[Wade]

Are we continuing two sentence, or do you want to move on to section four?

[Mark]

Oh, God, I don't want section four.

[Bob]

I. I actually really want to see section four, so.

[Mark]

I don't like the sound.

[Bob]

I'm pretty. I'm pretty excited. I mean, there's nothing that says we can't circle back to 2 cents. We're circling back to the question, so that's true.

[Wade]

All right, Mark, so we're going to give you a headline, and you've got to tell us what you think the story is behind the headline.

[Mark]

Okay? All right.

[Wade]

While doing an impression of someone, we tell you to do an impression.

[Mark]

Oh, God. Oh, man, you're really hitting my strong suits. Guys.

[Bob]

Don't worry. We've only preselected impressions that we know you can do really well.

[Mark]

Oh, thanks. Thank. Thank you.

[Bob]

I sounded sarcastic. But we did actually pick impressions that, like, you do.

[Wade]

I'll give you a softball to start. Real easy one.

[Mark]

I'm ready.

[Wade]

Tell me what happened in this story. German shepherd leads mass breakout at dog park using your best chica impression.

[Mark]

Those bastards. Those bastards locked me in here. I need to lead a revolution. I'm assuming this is German Shepherd. Chica. So we're just going to go with that?

[Wade]

Sure.

[Mark]

Ach, Duliber. I don't know what I'll do, but I know that I have natural charisma. I don't need to act it as the dog, do I?

[Bob]

You could just talk about what happened in the news.

[Mark]

No, I'm sticking first person.

[Bob]

Do it however you want. I'm into this.

[Mark]

I'm. Are you tired, my fellow dogs, of not enough treats, not enough toys? Them taking away the toys, you freshly decapitated. Kill them. All of them. We start with the little ones. Go. And then they jumped over the fence.

[Bob]

Oh, you're like recounting this to your. To your grandpuppies.

[Mark]

Yeah. I stayed in the park because I was a good girl.

[Bob]

See?

[Mark]

Easy, easy.

[Wade]

Mark, you got this.

[Mark]

My favorite thing about you is when she tells a joke and she laughs good. She has really good jokes.

[Bob]

She is the funniest dog I know. I don't know that many dogs, but cheek is definitely the funniest dog I know. All right, Mark, this is a good one. I'm excited for this one. What happens in this headline? Find the bastard who shat down my chimney. Homeowners Flu. Poo horror. And please describe what happens in this headline. Doing an impression of your best friend. Me.

[Mark]

How do you talk? Well, so I don't know how to do an impression of you. You talk normally. We're all from Ohio, so was the.

[Bob]

Right word to start with. You are on exactly the right track.

[Mark]

So there I was on that roof. I really had to go. I look around, nothing but chimneys, and I'm thinking, you know, that chimney is about the same size as my butthole. So dropped my pants, squatted over the thing. Next thing I know, they're just screaming at me. And here I am trying to get some privacy, and I'm like, hey, fuck you. I'm Bob, and fuck you. And then I finished. I wiped with a shingle, I slid down there, my shoes flew off, landed in my Tesla that I modded out custom with ebay parts. I drove off into the sunset to be with my wife and my child.

[Bob]

Because I'm Bob, I basically told that story.

[Wade]

I closed my eyes, I could just picture Bob.

[Bob]

Never heard my own voice come from outside my body before.

[Mark]

Yeah, the only thing that I was like, oh, that's something you do. You do. You like lists when you're telling a story, you do good lists of actions one after another.

[Bob]

I am currently waiting on several things from ebay auto for both of our cars. So that was dead on. And I kind of have to poop.

[Wade]

Mark, which philosopher is credited with the quote? I think, therefore I am.

[Mark]

It's not Ridley Scott, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you that much. I know that.

[Bob]

Just let it flow. It's in there, it wants to come out.

[Mark]

You don't want what's in my head right now.

[Wade]

Oh, we do.

[Mark]

Pierce Brosnan.

[Bob]

So close.

[Mark]

It's something. I don't know. It's something. It's something like that.

[Wade]

Rene Descartes.

[Mark]

It was not like that.

[Bob]

No. You know what's funny is I could absolutely see how those ended up somewhere near each other. And when your brain is searching for like. Oh, you just said it. Hang on.

[Wade]

Descartes, Brosnan.

[Mark]

Well, Ridley Scott actually was closer. Honestly, much closer with Ridley Scott.

[Wade]

I wish he'd stuck with that. It was less painful to listen to.

[Bob]

Wait, I have one highlighted that. I just can't wait anymore. I really want to hear him talk about.

[Mark]

I'm ready. I'm ready, I'm ready.

[Wade]

Yeah, whatever you want.

[Bob]

It's technically your turn. I guess I could just do that next.

[Wade]

Former gold mine reopened with new purpose. Once cat seen exiting the mine in your best Herschel from the Walking Dead impression.

[Mark]

Which one?

[Bob]

Well, it's a mine story, so the floor is yours.

[Mark]

Alright, okay. So there I was, deep in the mines and I just started to lose it from all the gases that were accumulating at the bottom there. Heavier than air. My canary died. My jerk expired. My dog exploded. But my cat, my cat was alive. Or so I thought I assumed. I ran up, out, sprinted into town, barely made it out. I said, it's the mine that makes animals explode. But everyone was like, there's gold in there. And I was like, get away.

[Bob]

Uh huh.

[Mark]

But I tried to stop him. I followed him up the hill and they were all marching with their torches and their pitchforks and we're gonna kill this mine. And I was like, okay, all right. Better got up there. Cat came out. I said, stand back, it's gonna blow. Coughed gold, nugget pops right out. I killed everybody.

[Bob]

Everybody in the area.

[Mark]

Killed them all. I killed everybody. My mind, my gold, my cat.

[Wade]

Uplifting. Good to see you again, Herschel.

[Bob]

I miss those days.

[Mark]

Yeah, good times, good times.

[Bob]

I'm Herschel.

[Mark]

I'm my cat, my goal. Oh, I'm Lori. I think the original voice might have been a bit harsher on the throat, but then I remember a lot of the voices being done were pre any kind of training on the voice or any kind of, you know, good practices.

[Bob]

So.

[Mark]

Because I remember old Herschel was like a lot more.

[Wade]

He is older now by like a decade. So makes sense. He sounds a little different.

[Bob]

All right, Mark, this is my favorite headline that Wade. Wade scrounged up for this. I love it very much. Tell me what happens in this headline. 13 remain dead in morgue after painting debacle. Please expound on this headline in your best impression of old Markiplier before he changed.

[Mark]

Hello, everybody.

[Bob]

Markiplier here.

[Mark]

So I found this painting in this store and so I went to the store and it was a painting and it was a me. And I was like, wow, that's weird. So I bought it and then I said, I went. I went to a club and I showed it to them. I showed everyone. And so I was like, hey, look at this. And they were like, it's blank. And I look, oh, it's blank. What's up with that? So then all of a sudden, all their blood started exploding out of their bodies. I don't know what happened. And then zoom right into the painting. And so I now find that I can live forever through the sacrifice of everyone. Is this old Markiplier? I don't even know anymore.

[Bob]

Kinda, I think so.

[Wade]

I felt like you hadn't changed there.

[Bob]

Yeah, that felt like 2013.

[Mark]

I couldn't remember. I was trying to go for the. What's the Dorian Gray? I was trying to go for the painting of Dorian Gray and then halfway through I forgot how it worked.

[Wade]

Is he the guy that whips the girl in fifty Shades?

[Mark]

Yes, that's it. No. Oh, that's right. The painting's old.

[Bob]

Yeah, the painting ages and he doesn't age.

[Mark]

Painting's me, but old.

[Bob]

Ah, yeah, he just took a break. He just. He just left and came back. He's still in there. He's old.

[Wade]

All right, Mark, a two sentence horror story for you. I opened the cupboard in the old abandoned house to find a single dust covered cup.

[Mark]

The trouble was I owned two cups.

[Wade]

Dramatic pause even.

[Mark]

Wow, that'd be pretty scary.

[Bob]

Yeah. Now you'd be like, well, where the fuck's the cup? I live here alone. What the shit?

[Wade]

Just for kicks, Mark, in what year did the Cultural Revolution begin in China?

[Mark]

1966.

[Bob]

Hell yeah, it did.

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by NOSS Energy. NOS Energy exists to boost your horsepower. So it depends on what kind of boost you need. Are you prepping for an exam? Are you prepping for a job interview? Are you prepping to wake up in the morning. You a prepper?

[Bob]

Oh, I'm a big prepper.

[Wade]

If you want the high performance boost that tastes great. NOS Energy comes in a range of refreshing flavors. Original GT Grape and Sonic Sour. And NOS Zero Sugar is, you guessed it, sugar free.

[Mark]

NOS Energy, get after it. Find out more at drinknos.com that'S-R-I-N k.

[Wade]

N o s.com this episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[Mark]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[Bob]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[Mark]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[Wade]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly. Bob, do we want to dive into the last bit or do you?

[Bob]

I would love to just keep circling back to all this stuff, but we should probably get to the last section here. Yeah.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Bob]

Mark, over our many years of doing this podcast and reaching back before, you've created some incredibly memorable Stingers, some segment introductions that have been used on multiple occasions, just etched into our memories. Everybody loves them. It's a crowd favorite and we were hoping for this episode if you could do us the honor of recreating from memory your Stinger intros that you had for. And we'll give you the titles. Give you the titles. It's okay.

[Mark]

Oh, good, that'll help.

[Bob]

If you could recreate from memory the Stingers that you've played over the years of. Distractable. Yeah, they're just literally like, we quote them constantly, so they're, you know, I just.

[Mark]

Oh, those memories are perfect. They're perfectly encapsulated. Truly was.

[Bob]

I love them. I love them and I'm excited for this one.

[Mark]

I'm so ready.

[Bob]

This is one of the most iconic ones I feel like. So start with an easy one. I would love for you to recreate morbid mysteries of the missing millennium.

[Mark]

Do I have to do the music, too?

[Bob]

We can imagine the music. You can. Just do what you can. If you want to make sounds to Supplement.

[Mark]

But have you ever felt a chill run down your spine? Well, I turned around and he was gone. Have you ever felt a presence standing right behind you? Well, I don't know what happened. When I turned around, they were gone. And then. Have you ever pooped your pants really hard? I don't believe in ghosts. But when I turned around, I didn't know what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the Missing millennium. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Bob]

Oh, he's even got the viewer discretion.

[Mark]

You always got to do the. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Bob]

All right, let's see how accurate that was.

[Mark]

Oh, God. I want you all to close your eyes. Okay, Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. Imagine. I went searching for the truth, and like a fool, I found it. But some truths are best left undiscovered by. I turned around and there it was. It's bigger than I could have imagined. The hikers claim that when they turned around, it seemed as though their friend had simply vanished. When I turned around, my whole farm was gone. I don't believe in ghosts.

[Bob]

There it is.

[Mark]

When I turned around, I couldn't explain what I was seeing. This is Morbid Mysteries of the missing millennium. Viewer discretion is advised. Oh, I forgot about that. God, that was so much better than I remembered it ever being. I got the one I just made confused with it because I forgot how I set up that one.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, don't worry. We'll get to the smell one. Don't worry. Oh, I'm going to be honest. All of the rest of these. No, two of the rest of these, I didn't remember happening. We had to do some research, so I'm curious how much you'll remember. But you. You crafted these?

[Mark]

Some of those are lost to the winds.

[Bob]

Oh, I found them.

[Mark]

Okay, never mind.

[Bob]

Please recreate for us unusual oddities of an unreal understanding.

[Mark]

Oh, God. I don't know, man. What the is that? There's not something I made you try to. You're trying to gaslight me? I wouldn't do. Oh, man.

[Bob]

Well, I guess we'll see if I have a recording of that queued up or not.

[Mark]

All right. Oh, no. I got this. All right, here we go.

[Wade]

Give him the first, like, the first word.

[Mark]

No, I don't.

[Bob]

What was it called?

[Mark]

Unusual.

[Bob]

Unusual Oddities of an Unreal understanding.

[Wade]

It's really interesting the way that this one starts.

[Mark]

Shut up. No, it's not.

[Wade]

It is, actually.

[Mark]

Oh, my mind is unraveling all around me. I'm stuck in a tornado. Oh, no. I am exproperative. There's just 12 dead in a sweep. 18 found dead after a truck. And then. And then. Unusual oddities of something understanding. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Bob]

All right, let's see how that was a kid.

[Mark]

Have you ever felt a chill up your spine? I don't know, man. Something just feels off. Like, you know there's something standing right behind you, but you just can't turn around. Cut it out, man. You're giving me the creeps. What if I told you that the world was stranger than you could ever possibly imagine? I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I don't believe in ghosts. But something just feels welcome to unusual oddities of an unreal understanding.

[Bob]

View.

[Mark]

Discretion is advised.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, sorry. This is from episode recording. So there's a little bit of me and Wade laughing over some of these.

[Wade]

Somehow we didn't get your original audio.

[Bob]

Yeah, those are lost.

[Mark]

Those are actually lost. And there's some from way back when that. I would be shocked if you have, because I made, like, three of those at the very beginning of distracting.

[Bob]

I think I have one or two. Well, we have three more if that gives you any.

[Mark]

You have them?

[Wade]

We sure do. Oh, Mark, who was the last Ptolemaic ruler of Egypt?

[Mark]

Cleopatra the seventh.

[Bob]

Oh, hell, yeah. This guy.

[Wade]

Mark. We've done a couple of spooky Mark intros, but we have one here that I think is uplifting. I think will help get you in the right mindset moving forward. Please perform for us the greatest good.

[Bob]

You'd have a hint if you want it. What?

[Mark]

Yeah, give me a hint. I don't. I would never do a cheerful one of these. What are you talking about?

[Wade]

Do you want the first line? The opening line?

[Mark]

Wait, I do know. Wait, I'm remembering. I'm vaguely remembering. It started off something like that, and then it's all, like, 17 children saved from exploding burning bus accident. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. $20,000 returned to old grandma who was robbed. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Bong, bing, bing. Local cat saved from burning tree. Burning cat saved from local tree. This is the greatest good. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Bob]

That's really good. Actually.

[Mark]

It's an inspirational story, one that really touches the heart and soul of everyone who will hear it. In a world full of darkness and cynicism, all 37 puppies were found alone. Sometimes a shining beacon of light can shine through. The Olympic gold medalist sold his medal to buy food for the hungry, which was him. Better than okay. This is the greatest Good.

[Bob]

No, viewer discretion is advised on that one, though.

[Wade]

You got the right, like, feel, though.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

You basically remembered that that is an old one. That is one of the original batch.

[Bob]

I would give you credit for that.

[Wade]

That episode was from Never Give up, which I think was December of, like. What was that?

[Bob]

2021 of the first year.

[Mark]

Oh, yeah. Wow.

[Bob]

All right, Mark. Well, the next one's basically the polar opposite of that. But first, what is the Schwarzschild radius?

[Mark]

Oh, it's the radius of the event horizon.

[Bob]

Legendary. All right. If you could recreate for us from the episode. We're all going to die. You're a stinger entitled Nightmares of Futures Past.

[Mark]

I honest. I'm going to be honest with you, I haven't the foggiest clue. I could make up some shit. Like, I've been doing the past ones. I don't even know where this one begins. It's probably similar to the other ones that have made sense, but there's a.

[Bob]

Kind of a formula.

[Mark]

Yeah, I don't remember. Question person. Question person. Nightmares?

[Bob]

Pretty much, yeah.

[Mark]

Is there viewer. Is there viewers discretion advice? That's what I want to know.

[Bob]

I feel like you have to. You have to guess.

[Mark]

It's. It's there. Viewer discretion is advice. You know, sometimes I feel like you don't take this seriously. Duh. Sometimes I feel like you're just. You're just here to enjoy, have a good time, and you're not here to.

[Bob]

Tackle the hard issues.

[Mark]

You're not here to get to the bottom of the truth, to see into the heart of evil at the heart of every story. Hey, back off. I'm a reporter to report what's real. Look, I'm all for fuel economy, but I just don't work that way, no matter how terrifying it may be. So how good is bone broth for you? This is Nightmares of Futures Past, Right? Because I. I did that as a surprise. No viewer discretion advice. I forgot.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, no, viewer. I thought there was fewer discretion advice.

[Wade]

I thought there was, too, because that was.

[Mark]

I remember I prepared a long intro with no dialogue for me to actually live, say, as it was playing and then go into the thing. Yeah, it was quite a surprise. You guys had no fucking idea what was happening.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, I don't remember that happening, but it was very. It would. Had a twist to it that was interesting.

[Mark]

Yeah, man. I was creative back then.

[Bob]

He changed, man.

[Wade]

Mark, which philosopher's credit with the quote, I think, therefore I am.

[Mark]

I'll let you know.

[Wade]

Your last guest was Pierce Brosnan.

[Mark]

No, I know my last guess. I'm trying to get that out of my head.

[Wade]

Oh, oh.

[Mark]

Ryan Decker.

[Wade]

That's it.

[Bob]

All right, Mark, finish this two sentence horror story.

[Mark]

Come on, man.

[Bob]

A fat Siamese cat just ate all my mackerel.

[Mark]

I had just hauled in a record setting. 2,200 pounds of mackerel. That's no ordinary cat. Comma. That's no ordinary cat.

[Bob]

Wow, I like that. I like that one. That's a good one. I like that.

[Wade]

Mark, I've got a headline here for you. Man making pasta ends up on Wild Police Chase in your best Shrek impression.

[Mark]

Ah, there I was driving through Italy and I was just taking a nice vacation. I don't remember what happened in the headlines, so I'm going to make it up. The police were chasing me. I got all this spaghetti in the back and donkeys riding up top. He fell off, ran right over from the police, blood everywhere. But I got away because I'm an ogre.

[Wade]

Beautiful.

[Bob]

It sounds a lot like your Irish accent.

[Mark]

Oh, no, different mark.

[Bob]

Your most recent Stinger. You could recreate it. Please. It's called.

[Mark]

It's in the air. Fuck. Why can't I remember what I just made like a week ago? I spent so long doing it. It's why I'm here. It's got me into this shit. It got me into this mess. Wait, I've got it.

[Wade]

Whore mouth.

[Mark]

What? What the.

[Bob]

Sorry, that was in my research, finding all these clips. I. I put that one on there too. Just for me.

[Mark]

All right, I've got it. All right, I'm ready. Okay, here we go. Isn't something smell a little to you? Hey, do you smell something? Well, that's a weird smell. I don't know what it is. Have you ever felt a chill run up your spine? Well, it was like something tapped me on the shoulder. But when I turned around. Get ready to forget everything you know about everything. Guys, I. I'm still smelling something weird. A whole city of people just turning round and round endlessly. All right, if someone doesn't say they're smelling what I'm smelling, I swear I'm. Oh, my God. What happened to the moon? You expect me to believe we're surrounded by gases that we cannot see? I know what clouds look like. Those are clowns. Welcome to the show that was formerly known as don't look up, but we were sued by some dumbass in a movie studio. This is. It's in the air. Viewer discretion is advised.

[Bob]

Wow, I think that was pretty close.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's pretty close, right? Yeah, I might have messed up the.

[Wade]

Way it actually went again.

[Mark]

I don't know why. And that was the most word filled. Like word soup. One possible. I don't know how I remember that.

[Wade]

Well, I think we're about ready for the end. But one more question for you, Mark. What does CRISPR stand for in genetic engineering?

[Mark]

Oh, clustered randomly inserted Short palindromic. Oh, fuck. Repeats.

[Wade]

You got most of those words right, but you missed two of them.

[Mark]

Oh, well, it's the R and the I.

[Wade]

It sure is. Clustered regularly interspaced. Short palindromic replacement.

[Mark]

Creepy.

[Bob]

Sure.

[Mark]

Bob.

[Wade]

I. I think we're at six.

[Bob]

I think we are six.

[Mark]

What do you mean, six? What do you mean?

[Wade]

I mean we're at subsection six. Don't worry, there's only seven subsections.

[Mark]

What do you mean?

[Wade]

Mark, you're gonna love this part.

[Mark]

I've loved everything so far.

[Wade]

All right, Mark, we get to figure out who wins.

[Bob]

Oh, no.

[Wade]

Me, Bob. Or do you have to do a one man show?

[Bob]

There's almost no chance.

[Mark]

You're right. I'm not worried about this one.

[Bob]

It basically can't happen.

[Mark]

Yeah, you're.

[Bob]

Anyway, I'm gonna click the thing. God, I hope we don't get one man show again. Can we really?

[Mark]

Hey, congrats, Bob.

[Wade]

Bob, you earned this one.

[Bob]

I did it.

[Mark]

You did it.

[Wade]

All right. Well, I guess if Bob's the winner. Bob, would you like to go first? Would you like Mark to go first?

[Bob]

Oh, I would love for Mark to go first.

[Wade]

Yeah. So, Mark, you. We have a loser speech for you, but it is a not sponsor, so you're have to read the not sponsor as you do your loser speech. But don't worry, not all of it is verbatim, so you can kind of riff a little bit.

[Mark]

I have to read this exactly as written.

[Bob]

This is your sponsored segment and then you can give your loser speech once you do the sponsored segment for the not sponsored.

[Wade]

Listen up. You can change however you want. The rest of it verbatim.

[Mark]

All right. This is not sponsored by tall men shoes Calm. Listen up, short men feeling blue tired of life looking down on you. I'm Mark. I've been there too. Put tallmanshoes.com saw me through. 2 to 5 inches taller you'll stand no more feeling like less of a man Small club members all agree these shoes set our spirits free. What small club, you might ask, huh? Short men aspiring to long legs our task we meet to gripe and moan and whine about helping Shorts a poor design. Visit tallmanshoes.com today. Walk tall in a brand new way. Boost your height, boost your life Cut through struggles like a knife. Disclaimer these shoes won't fix your tiny frame or make you less of a dating shame. Your worth still small, let's be clear. But hey, at least you'll feel less near to the ground.

[Bob]

All right.

[Mark]

Is this a real website?

[Bob]

It is a real company. Not sponsored, not affiliated, community purposes only. It is a real website, a real company.

[Wade]

Nothing that we said had anything to do with their actual website.

[Mark]

Let's be clear.

[Bob]

It fine. It's fine.

[Mark]

Although they say that I'm making a loser speech here. I'm not. I'm a winner because I not only met, but I exceeded all of their expectations in every way. And also clustered regularly interspace Short palindromic repeats.

[Bob]

It's good that you bring that up. Mark. What's the capital of Bhutan?

[Mark]

Bhutan City.

[Bob]

You know what? It's wrong, but I'll take it.

[Wade]

What is the name of the deepest known point in Earth's oceans?

[Mark]

Mariana's Trench.

[Wade]

We've got Challenger Deep.

[Mark]

It's in the Marianas.

[Bob]

It's in the Marianas Trench.

[Mark]

It is.

[Wade]

What is it more specific? I think the answer to that is.

[Mark]

Well, I would have known. I do know about the Challenger Deep.

[Wade]

Bob winterspeed.

[Bob]

This was probably not our weirdest episode to date but. But it felt weird. My eyes are still tearing up. I had a great time. I think we all had a great time and that's what's most important. All three of us were here just hanging out, having a good time, enjoying life and that's why it was such a funny episode. I feel grateful that I won this and I can't wait to move on and never have to do the wheel spin again. He said optimistically. We have a bunch of new constitutional stuff that I already have forgotten almost most all of. But something something wheel spin still exists. I don't care. I win.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Wade]

Nice job everyone. Nice job, Bob. Thank you for all your help. I feel like it was actually a pretty good amount of work building the one man show, but it was a lot of fun. It was good to go back and review some of these things and look forward to Mark especially doing two sentence horror stories again. Mark, thanks for being a good sport.

[Mark]

Thank you.

[Wade]

If you haven't already ready, go follow Bob at my Skerm market markiplier or me at minion 777 or Lordman 777. Make sure you follow or subscribe to the podcast. Keep watching, Oil Watchers, and I guess we'll see you in the next one. Until then, podcast out. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit Snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusion. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[Mark]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[Bob]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[Mark]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two Two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[Wade]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly.

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu. Futurama returns on September 15.

[Bob]

I love this show. It's a great show. I'm excited for another season.

[Mark]

Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back, defying gravity and common sense from the creator of The Simpsons come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger and the action is harder.

[Bob]

Don't miss the all new season of Futurama returning September 15th at 8pM Watch it on FXX or stream it on Hulu.