Solar System Tier List

Summary

---

Distractible: "Solar System Tier List"

Date: February 27, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Episode Overview:
In this episode, Mark, Wade, and Bob set out on a hilariously "innovative" journey to rank planets, moons, and unique celestial objects in the solar system using a classic internet tier list format. As always, their "rules" are flexible, the banter chaotic, and the insights both surprisingly sharp and endearingly dumb. The hosts riff on the merits and shortcomings of everything from Mercury to the hypothetical Planet Nine, with every segment spiced by their signature humor and interruptions.

---

Main Theme

A Space-Themed Tier List with Distractible Flair

The core of the episode is a spirited debate and comedy discussion around the creation of a tier list for planets, moons, and notable objects in the solar system. Each host shares personal views, fun facts, and eccentric logic to back their rankings, while their tangents, tech mishaps, and self-mockery keep the mood light and unpredictable.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Small Talk Warm-up & Tech Chaos

Timestamps: 02:20–15:00

• Mark introduces his new semi-mechanical Stream Deck keyboard. A debate ensues about keyboard sounds and the merits of "thocky" typing.
  • Mark: “It’s got this nice, like soft. They call it thocky.” [05:13]
  • Host/Bob: “You can’t just say that.” [05:14]
• Wade discusses a brutally difficult Pokémon roguelite fan game, which leads to a running theme of technological issues and personal mishaps. Wade messes up his desk, wires, and gets water all over his keyboard, setting a slapstick tone for his episode-long "bad luck."
  • Wade: “It is the most brutally unfair experience. And I got annihilated in four hours.” [08:14]
• Mark breaks the news that his legendary bathroom render farm has been moved to a real server room—a major life upgrade and the close of a long-running inside joke.
• The group riff on the constantly shifting, never-remembered "rules" of their point system and mock their own inability to keep track.

---

2. Tier List Introduction and Criteria

Timestamps: 16:00–17:51

• The hosts lay out the episode's structure: starting with the sun, they'll progress outward, ranking each planet and notable moon in the solar system. Moons, planet-like objects, and even space stations are given the possibility to join the ranking.

Quote:
Bob: "We're gonna be making a tier list... but not just any tier list. This Is gonna be a tier list of stuff in space." [15:38]

---

3. The Solar System Debate: Planet by Planet, Moon by Moon

Timestamps: 17:52–47:00

The Sun

• Unanimously ranked as S Tier for being the "giver of life."
  • Mark: “If anything was worthy of being an S tier, it would be the sun.” [17:51]

Mercury

• Gets roasted:
  • Mark: "B for bitch." [18:45]
  • Consensus: C Tier (“no moons,” “just getting smacked around”)

Venus

• Credited for its insane atmosphere and resilience.
  • Mark: “Venus, way tougher than Mercury... it rains like sulfuric acid.” [20:24]
  • Consensus: B Tier

Earth & The Moon

• Earth: Praised for its electromagnetic field, criticized for humanity dragging it down.
  • Mark: “Earth bagged a hell of a moon, right? Huge moon for its size.” [21:17]
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Moon: Celebrated as "the moon," unique eclipses, and cultural meaning.
  • Mark: “It is the moon.” [22:50]
  • Wade: “Total Eclipse of the Heart. S tier. Song. I’m easy to please, man. Pasta. Good music.” [23:37]
  • Consensus: S Tier

Mars

• Mocked for being a disappointment; its moons (Phobos and Deimos) dismissed as “just rocks.”
  • Host: “Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot.” [23:51]
  • Wade: “Mars has ghosts and Mars Attacks, two things I didn't like about Mars.” [23:56]
  • Consensus: D Tier

Jupiter & Major Moons

• Jupiter: Impressive in size and for hosting the Great Red Spot, but ultimately "just a big gas ball."
  • Host: “It’s also real big. Isn’t Jupiter have like an infinite storm? Isn’t that what the spot on Jupiter is?” [25:54]
  • Consensus: B Tier
• Moons: Europa, Callisto, Io, and Ganymede ranked by aesthetics, name recognition, and Destiny/fictional relevance.

Saturn

• The group favorite, thanks to its prominent rings and unique features (hexagonal cloud pattern, thick “fat” equator).
  • Mark: “Saturn is awesome. That ring. That ring is unreal.” [29:38]
  • Host: “The alien hexagon on the north pole is top tier.” [31:27]
  • Consensus: S Tier

Can’t-Miss Moons in Saturn’s Orbit

• Titan: Noted for its size, presence in games and sci-fi, “cool” factor.
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Mimas: “Looks like the Death Star,” a running joke.
  • Wade: “I like my, my mass. Mimos. I like me Moss looks like a death star.” [31:55]
  • Consensus: High B/A Tier

Uranus & Neptune

• Uranus gets classic jokes for its name but is otherwise “boring.”
  • Top of C Tier, “comes below the boob [Mimas].”
• Neptune:
  • Host: “It looks better than Mars. Mars doesn’t look bad. Red planet kind of cool. Neptune looks way cooler.” [38:00]
  • Consensus: Top of D Tier—beautiful color but not much else going for it.

Dwarf Planets and Oddballs

• Pluto: Treated with nostalgia and underdog affection.
  • Mark: “I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn’t ask to be labeled a planet.” [41:14]
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Haumea: “Egg-shaped,” “crazy;” B Tier for uniqueness.
  • Host: “What if it’s the egg of the next sun?” [43:12]
• Planet Nine & Theia: Met with awe for their mythology and implications.
  • Host: “Planet nine… a scary story you tell in the dark kind of thing. It’s kind of fun.” [47:02]
  • Placed in C/B Tier for the “cool if real” factor.

---

4. Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Thocky Keyboard Banter:
  • Mark: "I'm always losing my stream deck or not setting it up... now it's just there..." [04:23]
• Tier List Mnemonics:
  • Host: "My vagina eats many monkey penises..." (mocking mnemonic for planet order) [19:15]
• Space Object Roasts & Compliments:
  • Mark: "It's not a moon. It is the moon." [22:50]
  • Host: "Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot." [23:51]
  • Mark: "B for bitch" (Mercury) [18:45]
  • Wade: “Jupiter is where men go to get more stupider. Is that good or bad?” [25:42]
• Distractible Logic:
  • Debates about the very concept of the “surface” of a gas giant, culminating in a Wikipedia/goggle search and general confusion.
  • Ranking moons by how “horny” their name makes them; laying out a bell curve of moon attractiveness.
    • Host: "How horny do they make you? That will rate how high? That means they should go." [36:30]
• Tech Fails & Wade’s Bad Luck:
  • Multiple segments where Wade's mishaps serve as both punchline and thematic thread, including the ultimate conclusion:
    • Wade (Loser speech): “This episode started a little rough. First, my eyes were burning... Then I squirted water everywhere. Then I proceeded to get trampled on at every possible stop along the way..." [52:34]

---

5. Final Tally, Winner, and Score Recap

Timestamps: 47:47–53:40

• Host (Bob) keeps a running score of arbitrary points awarded for jokes, puns, and successful small talk—recounted hilariously at episode's end.
  • Host: “That makes the final score... 10 points for Mark and 8 points for Wade.” [49:25]
• The winner is determined; Mark takes the victory after a well-played episode, with Wade delivering yet another legendary "Loser Speech."
  • Host: "Mark remains undefeated in today's episode because he won on base points, and then he won both the spins." [52:11]

---

Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• "[05:13] Mark: It's got this nice, like soft. They call it thocky."
• "[08:14] Wade: It is the most brutally unfair experience. And I got annihilated in four hours."
• "[15:38] Host: We're gonna be making a tier list... This is gonna be a tier list of stuff in space."
• "[18:45] Mark: B for bitch." (Mercury)
• "[22:50] Mark: It's not a moon. It is the moon."
• "[23:51] Host: Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot."
• "[29:38] Mark: Saturn is awesome. That ring. That ring is unreal."
• "[41:14] Mark: I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn’t ask to be labeled a planet."
• "[52:34] Wade: This episode started a little rough... but you know what? I had fun. Our tier list ended up turning out pretty good. I accept my place at the bottom of the podium."
• "[53:10] Mark: At first, I thought Wade was employing psychological warfare against me during my elite small talk, but then I remembered that's just Wade..."

---

Important Segment Timestamps

• Small Talk & Mishaps: 02:20–15:00
• Rules & Tier List Overview: 16:00–17:51
• Main Tier List Debate: 17:52–47:00
• Arbitrary Point/Winner Recap & Closing: 47:47–53:40

---

Episode Highlights Recap

• The trio debates the essence, strengths, and "vibes" of each planet, often blending real science with deep silliness.
• Roasts of Mercury and Mars; love letter to Saturn's rings and the Moon's status; recurring jokes about mnemonic devices, tech fails, and celestial "thicc-ness."
• Distractible's unique blend of friendly rivalry, random scoring, and persistent inside jokes tie the space theme together in a way only they can.
• A shockingly solid, if unconventional, tier list is assembled; Mark emerges victorious, Wade’s woes become legendary, and everyone learns random facts and new ways to appreciate the planets.

---

For listeners who missed the episode:
The “Solar System Tier List” is your chance to hear the Distractible hosts at their best: irreverent, nerdy, and endlessly creative. Expect (mostly) wrong astronomy, tech chaos, hearty laughs, and a serious ranking that’s anything but serious.

Transcript

[Mark]

This episode is brought to you by T mobile 5G home Internet. Okay, guys, show break. And you know what that means.

[Wade]

We talking t mobile 5G home Internet?

[Mark]

Yup. You know it. Mostly for how easy it is to set up and the value that you get. But there's something new worth calling out. They now have the fastest 5G home Internet speeds.

[Host]

Are you serious?

[Mark]

Yup. T Mobile now has the fastest 5G home Internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test. Plus, it's backed by a solid five year price guarantee. And setting it up is still as easy as it gets. Just plug it in and go.

[Host]

If only everything else in life were that easy.

[Mark]

Yup. But t mobile 5G home Internet. The fastest 5G home Internet with simple setup and a great price with savings that stick.

[Wade]

Say that again. But at the fastest 5G speed. Bet you can't. Nope.

[Mark]

Get these fast 5G speeds for yourself. Check [e-mail] Home Internet Price Guarantee exclusives like taxes and fees apply Fastest based on Oklahospeed test intelligence data. Second half, 2025. All race reserved.

[Wade]

Yup.

[Mark]

This episode of Distractable is presented to you by T mobile 5G home Internet.

[Host]

The folks over at T Mobile have some big news for you. They now have the fastest 5G home Internet according to the experts at Ookla Speed Test.

[Wade]

So if you want the fastest 5G speeds with a 5 year price guarantee, visit t mobile.com homeinternet to check availability.

[Mark]

Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply Fastest based on Ookla speed test intelligence data. Second half, 2025. All rights reserved.

[Announcer]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode, Bathroom loving Bob boldly goes to his bunnies for their celestial selections. Wizened Wade gets brutalized by Pokemon and Derides Pupita and your anus Mercury hating Mark loves stalking, ends his rending rain despises computer dick teasing and respects the moon but rips Mars. From sublime innovation to mystery orbits, it's time for solar system tier list. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Host]

Hello and welcome back to Distractable, a podcast on the Internet. That's right. You've heard of podcasts other places, but have you ever seen a podcast on the Internet? No, I bet you haven't. We're first of our kind. That's why we're so special here. We're always innovating. That's. That's our hallmark. That's the show's hallmark. We're always innovating. Which is why today's topic is going to be so exciting and innovative. It's going to be something we've never done before. It's going to be unlike any previous episode you've ever seen of this show, and you're going to love it. There's one thing I know for sure. It's from previous experience. I've learned that you're going to love it, but not because we've done this before, because it's really good and unique and innovative. Did I say innovative? It's innovative. I said that. Good. If you've never seen this show before, I'm the host because I won the last episode, and this show is competitive. Competing for today's victory trophy. There's no trophy. Competing in today's episode will be the same guys who it always is when I host, it's Mark and Wade. Say, hi, boys.

[Mark]

Hi, boys.

[Host]

You both listen. That's a point for each of you. That was a test, and you passed. Innovation. Yeah. If you've ever seen the show before, you'll know that everything I just said is a lie. And there are no rules, and I just give out points arbitrarily. But that's a lie. I'm gonna give myself a lie point, and then we're gonna get right into it, by which I mean small talk. How's it going?

[Mark]

I have so much to talk about.

[Host]

Give us those juicy deets.

[Mark]

All right, I want you to open your ears real quick.

[Wade]

Huh? I can't hear anything else, but.

[Mark]

God damn it. Well, there goes. I got a new keyboard, and it's, like, semi. It's not mechanical, but it's, like.

[Host]

It's a little clackety. What kind of board is it, bro?

[Wade]

I can almost tell what keys you're hitting by how they sound.

[Mark]

No, no. I was typing all of my passwords in one long string.

[Wade]

I could tell you typed ha. Bob said, innovative again.

[Mark]

It's the new keyboard that has the Stream deck built into it, which seems so obvious now.

[Host]

That's a thing?

[Mark]

Yeah. They just came out with it, which makes you go, like, why didn't they do this before?

[Host]

Is that. Wait, Who? What?

[Mark]

So Corsair bought Elgato a ways back. I can't remember when, but Corsair on them. Corsair makes many things, keyboards included. Not always my favorite keyboards, but this one is just like, oh, my God. This saves desk space. And I. I'm always, like, losing my stream deck or not setting it up. It'd be nice if I could just blah. And it's there and it's there and it works. And there's way more settings than I would ever do on it. And I don't. I haven't programmed. There's a whole bunch of pre programmed stuff, but there's also like a little numpad thing. So it's where the numpad. Not quite as nice as a real numpad, but it works.

[Host]

But it could be a numpad if you so require.

[Mark]

And usually I am very against mechanical keyboards. I hate loud clacking, but this one grew on me at first. I was like, oh, no, it's got some clack, but it really doesn't. It's got. It's got this nice, like soft. They call it thocky.

[Host]

Whoa.

[Wade]

You can't just say that.

[Host]

No, that's a. That's a big. That's a big word in the keyboard community. It thaws. Yeah.

[Mark]

It's the first one that I've ever been like, okay, now that usually I like my keyboard silent. I don't want to hear them. I just want. I want the mushi softest, you know? But this one actually, I'm like, you know, I think I actually kind of like that. That's the first time I've been like, that's pleasant.

[Host]

You like a little thok, you falcon?

[Mark]

It's a little. I think I like a little thok, not a big thock. I don't want big thock.

[Host]

A reasonable thok.

[Wade]

You're down to thok.

[Mark]

Yeah, yeah. You know, now, you know, as I grow older, I find that my. My desire to thaw kind of has increased a bit.

[Host]

You want to thaw? You guys want to thaw?

[Mark]

We're gonna circle. We can all thaw together.

[Host]

I think that's interesting.

[Wade]

Let's thaw around and find out.

[Host]

I don't know if you know. Wait, you use Stream Deck? Is it the same? Is it just the regular stream deck software that just interfaces with the keyboard or is it its own thing?

[Mark]

Oh, yeah, no, you just use stream deck software. You have to update it. But it's.

[Host]

It's.

[Mark]

It works on this and so pretty neat.

[Host]

That's pretty neat.

[Mark]

Gotta get rid of some of these built in presets because they suck.

[Wade]

I haven't programmed my stream deck since I switched computers, so it doesn't do anything. Right. I forgot about it till you just brought it up.

[Host]

That's. It's been a while since that happened. It's not been that long.

[Wade]

It's sitting here just staring at me. It says stream deck.

[Host]

Yeah, with the default logo on it. With. No, you know, you could just copy. It's like a pre. You could copy that file over and it's like a preset.

[Wade]

Didn't do that.

[Host]

Okay, well, interesting. You know how I love my peripherals. Mark knows how to pander to the host, that's for sure.

[Mark]

And I do that.

[Host]

I do.

[Mark]

That's just a warm up of my small talk. I've got so much more.

[Host]

Wade, do you even want to try or just want to let Mark have all the small talk?

[Wade]

I've got one. And this will appeal to no one but me and maybe some people out there. Like three of them. I have found a new Pokemon fan game Pain Experience. It's brutal and it's destroying me.

[Host]

This is not the. The one you were playing in your web browser. This is something else now.

[Wade]

Yeah, this is a different one. This is Emerald Rogue 2.0. EX. Actually, it's 2.0.1 a if I'm being technical right now, but.

[Host]

Oh, okay.

[Wade]

It's like. It's like a Roguelite. So instead of like Pokemon, where you wander around, whatever, like, it has that. But you have like an overworld screen where it's like, you know, like in the old Mario games where you'd go to like move around from level to level. You'd like have the little like tan or whatever color bars. You'd move around the little dots for the levels. You'd move around, land on a level and pick it.

[Host]

Yes.

[Wade]

So there's like a little overworld thing where you'll have like four or five choices or two choices or no choices, like depending on where you're at in the web. And you'll kind of like pick. Oh, do I want to go to a place that has a trainer? Go to a place that has steel types. Go to this event. That event, and then it'll load you in. You'll do the level. I was playing on stream and chat had me do brutal difficulty. And you basically have like, I don't know, name a random Pokemon, a Meowth, whatever. With starting moves crappy, like scratch and growl and on brutal. The first person you fight has like a full team of six, basically that are all like probably Max IV best nature held items, strongest moves in the game. You're getting earthquaked whenever all you have is like mud slap. It is the most brutally unfair experience. And I got annihilated in four hours. I couldn't beat, I think two trainers on a run. I beat one, could not beat the second one.

[Host]

Sounds so fun. Ish. Or something.

[Wade]

This is brutal difficulty, but it does

[Host]

not sound not fun.

[Wade]

It was brutal. What did I just do?

[Host]

Uh. Oh, okay.

[Wade]

Something either came unplugged or fell off. Or the cord. Something's. Everything's fine.

[Host]

Sounds fine.

[Mark]

It didn't freeze, so I'm assuming everything's good.

[Wade]

Mark, you had more talks, right? I'll be right back.

[Mark]

I sure do. Yeah.

[Host]

All right.

[Mark]

I guess all the points are gonna be mine.

[Wade]

No, I'm not conceding.

[Host]

Wade's conceded the whole episode. Just have fun with it, Mark.

[Wade]

I've not conceded.

[Mark]

Big news. Basically, the render farm is no more.

[Wade]

Whoa.

[Mark]

Okay, it's a little underwhelming. It's gone.

[Host]

I mean, it is big. It is big news, but it's. It's gone. I feel like it's been. That's just a part of life. Wow.

[Mark]

Fucking. What the fuck?

[Host]

Why are you acting like you're not listening, man? I know you hear what we're talking about. I am listening.

[Wade]

I'm reacting. Oh.

[Host]

Okay.

[Mark]

So, yes, the render farm has left the bathroom. I know it is a big deal.

[Host]

And you burned it in a bonfire in your backyard.

[Mark]

I covered it in glauber salt, which, as we know, very flammable. Extremely flammable. One of the big problems that everyone was trying to warn me about when I stuffed it inside my servers.

[Wade]

It's hard to get up when you're old.

[Mark]

It's moving to an actual. Not a bathroom. Like, yeah, wave. You all right?

[Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Wade]

This is about me. It's about you. Go on.

[Mark]

Anyway, it's. It's moving to a place that actually should have a render farm. A server room. A real, real deal server room. Purpose built specifically for that.

[Wade]

Oh, fuck.

[Mark]

What is happening under his desk? What kind of mole men are tunneling up from his basement floor?

[Host]

What the fuck is happening?

[Wade]

I just squirted water all over.

[Mark]

Well, geez, man. Don't do that.

[Host]

I'm really trying to stick with the story of this one. Mark's render farm is going to a real room, like a big boy.

[Mark]

And I'm selling some of it. Because with the current computer prices and RAM prices don't give me that face weight very high.

[Wade]

Oh, man, you're not lying.

[Mark]

There's some extra stuff that I think I'll try to sell. Might even make some money off of what I got off ebay for that.

[Host]

I don't understand what's happening with Wayne. I gotta be honest, I'm super distracted right now.

[Wade]

I thought this was sealed. It Wasn't. So I grabbed and it squirted out and just sprayed like a fountain of water came out of my keyboard in my desk and I kicked something and undid my wire tie that was like, to the bottom of my. Everything's fine. And I don't mean to detract. I think the render farm moving is great. And also, whatever Mark was just talking about is also very important to give

[Host]

way to jealousy point.

[Wade]

Very jealous.

[Host]

Jealous of Mark's real small talk.

[Mark]

Big chapter of my life closing. Or is it?

[Host]

Oh, so what's the new movie?

[Mark]

I don't have one yet. Wink.

[Host]

You heard it here first. Wink. Wonk.

[Mark]

I was expecting that to be my big trump card, like, sweep, you know?

[Host]

No, that's a huge. I mean, it's just a bathroom now, which is good. We need bathrooms in our lives. But that's just crazy. I feel like the saga from when it. When you were like, guys, ebay and Chinese server parts, they don't need them. I bought a pallet of server stuff and I'm going to build. There was like a whole saga all the way back. It's like a chapter of our. Our lives have closed.

[Wade]

My favorite version of Mark was dinosaur. I like dinosaur bone collecting. Mark.

[Host]

Man, did we talk about that?

[Wade]

Not the. Not the Trump. Mark's Trump. But I think I'm cursed, specifically. First my eyes broke, so I'm in glasses. Then my wires broke, and then my water squirted. And the next obvious thing is immediate

[Mark]

death or water breaking, because that.

[Host]

Yeah, I can't believe he didn't go with water broke, but whatever.

[Wade]

Well, I don't want a lie point. I want a real point.

[Mark]

They are real points, actually. Apparently we were doing it wrong. Like, every time we bring up a rule like that, we remember it wrong. I don't know how it keeps happening, but it's almost always the case.

[Host]

At this point, I just want to bring up incorrect rules just to piss everyone off. So if you were hoping that we would start doing it correctly, subreddit, I wouldn't hold your breath.

[Wade]

I thought we had a rule. We're not allowed to correct ourselves unless we have a tribal council aside. Not a full episode, but like an aside.

[Host]

I don't. That doesn't sound like a rule I've ever heard before. That definitely doesn't exist.

[Wade]

I probably just made it up, which makes it true.

[Host]

No, that is the rule, though, is if we make it up, it's true.

[Mark]

That's true. That's two out of the three. I don't Even need to agree for that to be true.

[Host]

Pluralcracy.

[Wade]

I'm ready for the episode. Despite my life falling apart around me,

[Mark]

I have one last thing to bitch about. By the way.

[Wade]

I don't yet. Hold me. Break something else.

[Mark]

The tech problem. I'm so tired of these. These tech companies announcing a product and then not being available, where it's like, well, coming out. Intel's like the new laptop cpu. And every reviewer is like, it's incredible, this product. It's like, specifically, it's like this dual screen thing that has like, the new. The new CPU is very good. I'm like, that's what I've been looking for. A new Windows laptop portable. Oh, where do I buy it? You can.

[Host]

No.

[Mark]

Oh, it's great. But you'll never see it. It'll come out sometime. Never. Like, I literally, I. Everywhere is looking like, this was announced a month ago. It's like, oh, that's exact what I need. Too bad. Why would you want this? You want to buy this?

[Host]

Ew.

[Mark]

Get away from me.

[Wade]

So they announce it, release it, but then you can't get it.

[Mark]

Yeah, you can't get it. Tons of reviews come out about it, and then it'll be like a sneeze in the wind. Six months from now, it'll be like, listed for sale, and I'll forget about it. And it's just like, how are they making money? How is anyone in those other companies making money?

[Host]

Right?

[Mark]

It doesn't like, I'm here. I'm like, I'm in the market for a new Windows laptop.

[Host]

Investors, I guess. I don't know.

[Wade]

Oh, my monkeys turned into the beach. That sounds like completely psychopathic statement out of context.

[Host]

Okay, Grandpa. Oh, everybody's monkeys turned into the beach today.

[Mark]

Okay, before we start recording actual explanation.

[Host]

No, no, no. Your monkeys turned into the beach. There you go.

[Wade]

This episode is brought to you by grubhub. I order food a lot. And then you see that line that says fees. Grubhub's changing the game by eating the delivery and service fees on orders over $50.

[Host]

Oh, that's not how you use chopsticks. Get no delivery or service fees on restaurant orders over $50 when you order on GrubHub. Visit GrubHub for more details.

[Wade]

Bye, Feesh.

[Mark]

Bye, bye.

[Wade]

Won't miss you.

[Host]

Today's episode topic. Like I said at the beginning, so groundbreaking, so innovative, so fresh and new. We're gonna be making a tier list. We're not done this in forever. But not just any tier list. This Is gonna be a tier list of stuff in space.

[Wade]

I know at least three things out there.

[Host]

You probably know more than that. Yeah, this is very unbiased and completely fair because everyone here equally likes things in space and has the same strong positive vibes about it in general. I want. This started as the idea of. I wanted to do a tier list, tier list of the planets in our solar system. But then I was like, well, there's some moons that we could talk about. But also if you guys have any other things that you like about space, like, like the iss, like specific nebulas or something, or like, it could be space, it could just be space stuff. But I want to start. Want to go inside out. We'll start with the sun and progress through the planets. No, Pluto's not a planet. We could discuss it later, but it's not a planet. It doesn't count unless it does. I don't know if they switch that back or what exactly, but we're making a tier list.

[Wade]

I unironically like tier lists. I know not everyone watching and listening did, But I do enjoy a good tier list.

[Host]

I like it as a pretext to just talk about stuff.

[Wade]

That's what it is. It's like a reason for us to talk, but also give something. Oh, I don't know what some of these things is, but I like the way they look.

[Host]

I like the way you look. I'm going to guarantee it. We could start with the sun and we can work our way through the planets. We could talk about moons with the planets, or we can save the moons for later. It's very whatever we want. Here and there wither and dither. I just want to talk about space stuff. I'm curious where all of these things land. And I'm curious how we're even going to decide that. The sun. First new number zero in our solar system, the actual center of the universe, probably can unprove me scientifically, I think. This picture says is a deadly laser. I have this. This is. This starts pretty high up for me. This could go as high as S tier for me. But I'm curious what you guys think about.

[Mark]

Look, if anything was worthy of being an S tier, it would be the sun. Because in power in other categories, orangeness melts, snow flares.

[Wade]

Mmm. Burns our enemies when we leave them outside, Tied to stakes.

[Mark]

True, true. All true. Yes. I think, like, it's. It just is. Unless it's so overdone that it becomes kind of generic, you know, I do,

[Host]

I get that vibe, but I feel like giver of life gets to be S tier. I guess, you know, we sort of do need that guy.

[Mark]

I don't think we've ever started a tier list with an S. We'll see

[Host]

if it stays so hot. But I feel like sun belongs in S tier, and I'm comfortable with that. All right, let's talk about this next one big piece of shit. Mercury.

[Mark]

B for bitch.

[Wade]

Now got to be A because it's closest to the sun. I'm just kidding. It's not an A tier.

[Mark]

It's just getting smacked around. It's on a little leash. But the sun's got on a leash. It's not tough for being annihilated with that much heat. It's not like Venus, right? Venus is. Is crazy. Venus is nuts.

[Wade]

I remember the little. What's the limerick for like, my vagina eats men. Just so. What's the.

[Mark]

What's the one we all learned in kindergarten? My vagina eats all men.

[Host]

My vagina eats many monkey penises.

[Wade]

There's two M's, Mars and mopiter.

[Host]

Okay, fine. My vagina eats monkey penises. Other ones pee. Pooping, poopiner. Yeah. You know, why am I so hooked on pee?

[Mark]

I don't know.

[Host]

I was looking at phobos on the thing and being like, ah. The next one starts with P. Ah, you got me. Moons. You moons.

[Wade]

Mark said B for bitch. Mercury. I've got nothing really against it, but nothing really for it. What? We have six B or C, so

[Mark]

I guess C. C. You don't get points for being first in line to be exploded, you know?

[Host]

No, no moons.

[Mark]

No moon. Not even a moon.

[Host]

Venus.

[Mark]

Does Venus have moons?

[Host]

I don't think it does. Here, I'll show you my cheat sheet. Apparently Venus moons. Zero.

[Mark]

Okay. Venus is crazy.

[Wade]

Well, V rhymes with B, so I say B.

[Mark]

We recognize Venus for its it. Venus way tougher than Mercury. I don't care if Mercury is closer. Venus, its atmosphere, the pressures. I don't even know why it does all that stuff that it does, but it rains like sulfuric acid or something like that. It's. It's nutso. Nutso. Butso be for butso.

[Wade]

Avoiding spoilers. I'm pretty sure Venus is also like. It has significance in the plot of the book Project Hail Mary.

[Host]

I wouldn't know. I haven't read it yet.

[Wade]

I'm not going to go into any specifics. But you know, that put it on my radar even more than it already was. So I think. I think B tier is good for Venus. Earth this son of a bitch.

[Mark]

No, no, no. Come on now.

[Wade]

People are from there and I don't like people.

[Host]

See, that's where I'm coming from. I like people. Earth is a planet. Pretty cool. Lots of water, nice ecosystems. You add in humanity knocked it down a little bit.

[Mark]

Obviously. Earth bagged a hell of a moon, right? Huge moon for its size. Second only to Pluto for bagging a moon in proportion to its size.

[Wade]

Pluto. P for planet. But, but okay, Earth.

[Mark]

Have you seen that animation of Earth?

[Wade]

Have you seen Earth?

[Mark]

You've seen Earth animation was like a tick tock edit where it's like, you know, the sun's giving off its electromagnet, magnetic radiation splashing Mercury, just, you know, oh no. And then Venus is like. But Earth is, you know, it does like the. The super tough edit of Earth's electromagnetic field that is just tanking all the sun. You know, I. It's Earth's tough. You know, Earth is real tough. I got to give Earth a lot of credit for that. Let's. I mean, we could talk about the people problem the entire D of this episode. So I'm. I'm objectifying it from outside of the people perspective.

[Host]

Okay, what do you advocate here? A s how high?

[Mark]

I think a. I don't think quite S. Because let's be honest, we've discovered that the habitable zone is a lot wider than we think. There's probably plenty of Earth like planets out there in the whole universe.

[Wade]

I'll give you a. But only because of Soto and Fogo de Chao.

[Mark]

I think that's fair. I think that's a fair exchange. And that's a good point.

[Wade]

There's a lot of things on Earth, but there's also meat and pasta. Wait, is our moon the only one that doesn't have a name or does our moon actually have a name?

[Host]

It has a main. It's called Luna.

[Wade]

Okay, Just moon.

[Host]

It's just the one we know as Moon.

[Mark]

I mean, that's a reason for s tier in my mind. It's not a moon. It is the moon.

[Wade]

We're not biased.

[Mark]

We're not biased. But let's be honest. The Earth didn't bag the moon. The moon begged the Earth because it came from a.

[Host]

You know.

[Mark]

You know.

[Wade]

No, I don't. But I like the way you're and

[Mark]

I like this sun Moon both being s tier.

[Wade]

That.

[Mark]

That feels good.

[Host]

That's true. I vibe with that a little bit.

[Mark]

It's true. I mean, we've talked about before on the episode, but I'm still. I still think the cosmic coincidence of the sun and the moon being the same relative size in the sky and the only place where a total eclipse could possibly happen. That we know of.

[Wade]

Bonnie Tyler.

[Mark]

Monty Tyler.

[Wade]

Bonnie Tyler. She wrote the song Total Eclipse of the Heart. Well, it didn't write. She's saying it's written, but never mind. So, yeah, Moon S tier. You got me with eclipse. S tier. Total Eclipse of the heart. S tier. Song. I'm easy to please, man. Pasta. Good music.

[Mark]

All right.

[Host]

Mars thinks he's the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot.

[Wade]

Mars has ghosts and Mars attacked. Two things I didn't like about Mars.

[Host]

Dude, that movie traumatized me when I was a kid.

[Wade]

Which one? Ghost of Mars or Mars Attacks?

[Host]

Mars Attacks.

[Mark]

I never actually saw the movie. I want to point out Phobos and Deimos. We're not. I know. We're not there yet. They don't even deserve to be on this list. Those are rocks.

[Host]

Deal.

[Wade]

But no, wait. We need something for F out of here.

[Host]

No, they're below F. They're deleted.

[Mark]

Look, Mars is a wannabe in a lot of ways. I. Maybe I'll give it credit for at one point having life. But who has life and loses it? That's really.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Host]

Lost life, you know? You know what happens to a doctor who loses life too much? Not allowed to be a doctor anymore.

[Wade]

And Musk likes Mars. That drops Mars too, right?

[Host]

Yeah. What's that make it, like a D?

[Mark]

I think Mars might be our first

[Host]

D. I don't know if it deserves

[Mark]

F. Olympus Mons kind of gives it a little bit of credit. Biggest mountain in. Or it's a former volcano, but it's a mountain. Let's be honest. Not going to be a volcano ever again. But biggest mountain in as we know

[Wade]

of, so biggest protrusion gives it some big D energy.

[Mark]

That's a good point. That's funny.

[Wade]

Thank you.

[Mark]

That is funny.

[Wade]

I hope everyone out there heard that joke and they went, that is funny, in the same monotone voice to prove how hilarious it was.

[Mark]

You're gonna just by saying that you're gonna have people come up to you and go, that is funny.

[Wade]

I'm gonna miss bald.

[Host]

It's still so often that clip comes up where Mark is like, bob has a baby and I have a movie and I'm bald forever. The rest of our lives. Jupiter, baby.

[Wade]

Phobos Deimos Crew, where you rise up. Phobos Deimos Crew.

[Host]

Fuck those idiots. They're just rocks.

[Wade]

Jupiter is where men go to get more stupider. Is that good or bad? Probably bad.

[Mark]

Well, I mean if, if I've ever been to a place that makes me stupider, it's usually a fun time. So I'm not going to say too much negative about that.

[Host]

It's also real big. Isn't Jupiter have like an infinite storm? Isn't that what the spot on Jupiter is? It's just a never ending storm.

[Mark]

I don't think it's an infinite storm. I think it's actually shrinking right now.

[Wade]

Well, it's cold out. It'll get bigger when it gets warm.

[Mark]

Infinite storm is actually, I'm skipping ahead. But Saturn, I believe Saturn is way cooler than Jupiter. Jupiter gets a lot of. I not dis. Not saying Jupiter's bad. Jupiter's very cool. Lots of moons, kind of weak, maybe ring kind of, you know, it's kind of little cringe ring.

[Host]

Can I say something embarrassing? So Jupiter, Saturn, others. These are the gas giants in our solar system, right? They're gas, meaning that they're gaseous. I still struggle to conceptualize what exactly that means. If it's a gas, if it's a gas giant, if it's a planet made of gas, how do you determine the surface of the planet? I guess there's no like atmosphere technically I think. But then is it just like once you're inside the gas, that's the planet. But if you're not inside the gas, is there a line or some shit?

[Wade]

Is it ever solid? Like does the gas solidify anywhere or anything?

[Host]

Like, I don't understand.

[Mark]

I don't get it either. Because it must be so big that there is like a gradation of the density of the gas. But it just ramps up really quickly of the pressure because it's so big and it probably is a thing. I believe there is a core. Is there, is there a core?

[Wade]

If it's storms in a gas, where does it land?

[Mark]

I don't know. I don't know man. I don't know. Let's see.

[Host]

To Google. Jupiter is not just a ball of gas. It's a complex gas giant with no solid surface, primarily composed of hydrogen and helium. The transition from gas to liquid and metallic states due to extreme pressure. As a thick gaseous outer atmosphere, most of its mass is liquid metallic hydrogen surrounding a dense, possibly partially melted rocky core. Man, I could have understood this if I just googled it earlier.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Host]

Wow.

[Mark]

Okay, so there is a rocky core. That makes sense to me because it's like.

[Host]

But it says there's, it says there's no surface. You can't stand on the surface of it. The pressure just increases until it becomes impenetrably dense, which sounds terrifying.

[Mark]

I don't. I don't want to penetrate it.

[Wade]

Well, hold on.

[Mark]

Okay. Maybe Wade wants to penetrate. Won't speak for all of us.

[Wade]

I guess that sounds like a challenge.

[Mark]

I. I think it's very B. Yeah,

[Wade]

I was gonna say it can't be higher than B. I'd give you a

[Host]

B. I like B.

[Wade]

B's good.

[Mark]

B is a fair score.

[Host]

I feel like it's happy at B. Oh, God.

[Mark]

We gotta do their boons.

[Host]

Well, so we could skip. We could do the planets first and circle back to the moons or whatever.

[Wade]

Well, then I'm not gonna know what moon goes to what.

[Mark]

Well, actually, I do know Europa, Callisto and IO.

[Host]

No, I know IO because it was in destiny. Right. Isn't IO one of the places you can go?

[Mark]

Callisto is Callisto Protocol. And Europa is the one with the giant ocean.

[Wade]

What's the first one? Candy Medic. What's it called?

[Host]

Ganymede. Candy Medic.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah, it's my favorite moon.

[Wade]

I don't know Ganymede. I like its little, like, sideburn. It's got. That's cool. Callisto and IO look pretty.

[Mark]

YOH is very pretty. Ganymede. Forgettable. Ganymede D. I don't care. Whatever. Callisto. Callisto Protocol. Not a great game, but, you know, had an interesting graphics thing that I was talking about before Europa.

[Wade]

Kind of looks like someone spilled cinnamon on some whipped cream.

[Mark]

C for Callisto.

[Host]

C for Callisto. I like YOH just for the name. Not gonna lie.

[Wade]

Oh, yo's a B. It was fun to go there in Destiny, probably.

[Host]

Oh, it was a good place in Destiny. Very yellow.

[Wade]

Europa makes me think of a cinnamon roll. And I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't know anything else about it, so probably a C. Yeah.

[Mark]

I don't object.

[Host]

All right. Cranking through the moons. I appreciate it.

[Wade]

And Ganymede's down. Yeah, I think. I think those are good choices.

[Host]

Still no Fs. Pretty good solar system.

[Mark]

I think Saturn a tier for me. Saturn is awesome. That ring. That ring is unreal. And you want to talk about, like, okay, Jupiter's got this big red spot. Have you seen Saturn's fat ass?

[Host]

No.

[Wade]

Go on.

[Host]

Hang on. Let me Google that. Saturn's fat ass. Saturn is the most oblate planet in the solar system, meaning it's significantly flattened at the poles and bulges at the equator. This gas giant's Wide shape makes its equatorial diameter about 10% larger than its polar diameter.

[Wade]

It's like an hourglass figure if the hourglass was just cut in half.

[Host]

Saturn is actually the least dense planet in the solar system, making it a very lightweight yet fat planet. All right. Saturn is fat. I like it.

[Mark]

Look up Saturn's hexagon.

[Wade]

Saturn's hexagon.

[Host]

How the hell is that happening? Aliens probably.

[Mark]

Oh, definitely. Way cooler than a red spot. And that shit will never go away, apparently.

[Wade]

Like a Bronzor if you know, you know, right? Pokemon fans.

[Host]

I don't.

[Wade]

I think Saturn's cooler than Earth.

[Mark]

I do too. I would agree. Yes. I think Saturn has so much going for it.

[Wade]

Like it might be the only S tier planet.

[Mark]

Oh, it'd be pretty up there. I mean it's ring, it's just shape, its uniqueness, it's fat ass.

[Wade]

If you go to the context of Earth having life, it's really cool. But if you're looking at the solar system, you see Saturn, you're like, that's so cool.

[Mark]

I know. The whole pale blue dot thing was taken from Saturn.

[Host]

You know, doesn't urine Uranus have a have rings or is it. Neptune doesn't have like vertical rings, but they don't look nearly as cool.

[Mark]

Right.

[Wade]

I know there's cock rings. I don't know about Uranus rings.

[Host]

I'm okay with Saturn at S here.

[Mark]

I mean I just look at Saturn. Saturn, just so cool.

[Host]

The alien hexagon on the north pole is top tier. I have to agree with that.

[Mark]

It is super cool.

[Wade]

Saturn have all of these moons.

[Host]

Saturn has a whole fuckload of moons. Jupiter has 92 moons, plus possibly up to like 600 other tiny, tiny ones. Saturn has 145 known moons and the first six are the Galilean moons. Right.

[Wade]

Isn't that.

[Host]

The thing is they're visible using like land based telescopes from Earth because they're fucking huge.

[Wade]

Quick glance. I like my, my mass. Mimos. I like me Moss looks like a death star.

[Host]

It does look like the death star. Look at that. Titan is another one from Destiny in it.

[Mark]

Titan is in a lot of fiction. Warhammer. Titan's very important.

[Wade]

That bumps those two up on my list.

[Mark]

How big is Titan compared to Earth?

[Host]

That's a good question to ask Google.

[Mark]

Okay. Titan is bigger than our moon, but it's about like a quarter the size of Earth.

[Host]

It's like half the size of Earth. 40 to 50 the size of Earth in diameter.

[Mark]

It's got more water than Europa. I didn't Know that.

[Host]

Damn.

[Wade]

I definitely didn't know any of this.

[Host]

It's much less dense. Its mass is only about 2% of Earth's mass.

[Wade]

Oh, you're still showing the hexagon. No, wait, you're not. I am. I've got a tab open. I'm an idiot. Boys, I think it's time to put me to home and retire me from this podcast.

[Mark]

It's been fun, man. It's been fun.

[Wade]

I. I truly think after today, it's time. Send your applications to replace me, because I think it's time. I need to go. I need to go.

[Host]

Titan seems kind of cool. Titan seems pretty boss.

[Mark]

It'd be up there. I'm split between A or B. I'm not sure.

[Wade]

Give Titan an A. Give Mimas A, and the rest can go cd. I don't care.

[Host]

Like, I feel like I like Titan more than I like Jupiter. And Jupiter's in B, so I feel like it has to go in A.

[Mark]

Okay, I'm fine with that.

[Host]

Like, I would say below. Below Earth in A, I guess, but, like.

[Mark]

But the fact that it's in A tier. Yeah, that's pretty good.

[Wade]

Mimas next to yo. To me.

[Host]

Got it. Mimis next to yo.

[Mark]

Death Star boob.

[Wade]

Oh, man, that might be S. Tier. Hold on. Let's talk about the Death Star boob.

[Host]

Would you say it like that? I'm gonna say Tethys. D? Tier. Can't pronounce it. Terrible name.

[Wade]

Iapetus looks like it's being Thanos snapped. The rest of them are just round and gray like Tethys.

[Host]

The rest of them wish that they were our moon, and they're just not. I don't know what's default for moon. Do they start at C?

[Mark]

I think yes. C. Nah. D. I think moons have to start at D because it's just like, they're.

[Host]

Because it's like. Default for planet is C. Default for moon is okay. All right. Do we want Iapetus anywhere else or.

[Mark]

Iapetus can go C. It looks interesting.

[Host]

It also has Death Star. Yeah, I like it has a little Death Star nipple. I like it has cool coloring situation, actually.

[Wade]

Is it hexagonal, too? Are both of those kind of hexagonal?

[Mark]

Oh, my God.

[Host]

Are they to Google?

[Mark]

You know, if I was aliens. If I was aliens, I would make my base on Saturn because I'd be like, okay, this is just far enough away from Earth that they wouldn't get suspicious. But then I would make my big hexagons and people on Earth on those shapes.

[Wade]

Those fucking idiots.

[Mark]

We had to show them how to build a pyramid. Never get a square or a hexagon.

[Wade]

And they said, nice triangle. It's a pyramid.

[Host]

It's in the name. All right. We're on a big business, boys.

[Mark]

Oh, boy.

[Host]

Uranus. Funniest planet name we've got going, I think.

[Wade]

But it tripped the other planet. Knocked it off the line. Like, we all know the one in the back, the one that tripped Pluto. Right. It had to be Uranus that did it.

[Mark]

Well, it's not in the back.

[Host]

Are you talking about Neptune, the planet that is next?

[Wade]

I forgot Neptune existed. You know what?

[Host]

Uranus is fine. That's a bad side for Neptune, man.

[Wade]

But that is not a great sign for Neptune. Uranus, Moon. It's burnt back up, baby.

[Mark]

Other than being a joke, it's so boring. It is just the blandest planet. It is one color. It's just there, you know? But at least it's not Neptune.

[Wade]

Is it high C tier or low B tier?

[Host]

I feel like Uranus deserves to be above Mercury.

[Wade]

I agree.

[Host]

I would agree, but still, like, top of C tier.

[Mark]

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

[Wade]

Yeah. Uranus comes below the boob.

[Host]

I gotta say, these are some very interesting moon names.

[Mark]

Titania. Well, I got a Titan, too.

[Wade]

Titania.

[Host]

I like Oberon. I think Oberon's a cool name.

[Mark]

Oberon and Umbriel are badass names. Those pair them up.

[Wade]

Where Ariel. First Mermaid Crush. Only Mermaid Crush, probably.

[Host]

Yeah. What was your second mermaid crush? King Neptune.

[Wade]

Ariel.

[Host]

In the sequel, Ursula, which she's the hot version of. Mermaid Ursula.

[Wade]

Titania just feels like it's trying to be Titan.

[Host]

It feels like it wants to be cooler than it is.

[Mark]

Fucking F. We give that an F. Oh, F. Wow.

[Host]

First F. I feel like Oberon and Umbrella get a. Get a bump up to see just for their name. I don't know if they go. I don't know if they need to go higher because otherwise they're fine.

[Wade]

Did I had crushes on him or I listen. Miranda and Mass Effect and Ariel.

[Mark]

A little mermaid, like, pull them all at sea.

[Host]

How horny do they make you? That will rate how high? That means they should go.

[Wade]

Oh, man. Well, S is too high. Okay, let's go Digby. Digby. With Umbrella.

[Mark]

Below.

[Wade]

Umbrella and Oberon, but on that line.

[Host]

Okay, so you'd rather fuck Oberon. Got it. All right. We're really working it. We're really banging out a bell curve here. And I appreciate that. This, I think, might be a contentious one. Neptune Blue.

[Wade]

I like blue.

[Host]

It's a beautiful color. I love the look of Neptune. I want a bowling ball that looks like that.

[Wade]

That's about all I know about Neptune,

[Host]

but otherwise kind of fuck Neptune. I don't know. It's fine. Like Wade said, it probably is the one who pushed Pluto made them lose planet status. Like it. What's Neptune? Is the God of the ocean. Is that the Greek one or whatever. It's fine. It's very pretty.

[Mark]

Oh, Neptune isn't as big as I thought it was. I see an Earth to Neptune comparison. And I mean, obviously Earth is much smaller, but it's about the same ratio as the Earth moon to Earth, just inverse. So it's actually not that big.

[Host]

No, it's. It's smaller than you'd think. Way the out there. It's too far away. It's a long drive. Nobody wants to go that far.

[Mark]

It has a spot. Apparently. It's got a. It's got a spot that's kind of cool.

[Wade]

So like, is it above Mars?

[Host]

I feel like to me it's either top of D tier or in the mix of C tier.

[Wade]

I like the. Maybe put it next to Mars at the very top of D tier.

[Mark]

Yeah, give it top of D at least it like, it just, it earns that spot. It's not a. It's not a leftover wannabe has been like Mars.

[Host]

It looks better than Mars. Mars doesn't look bad. Red planet kind of cool. Neptune looks way cooler.

[Wade]

Orcas are scary in the ocean. So I don't know if Orcas is scary as a moon.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Wait, what's going on with Orcas?

[Host]

Orcus. Orcus whale.

[Wade]

Does it have its own little mini moon?

[Host]

Oh, that's what that photo would imply.

[Wade]

A moon with its own moon.

[Host]

I googled Orcus moon moon and came up with Vanth. Ah, okay.

[Mark]

Vanth is the moon of Orcus. Orcus is a dwarf planet.

[Host]

So Orcus is not a moon of Neptune. Orcus is a dwarf planet. I mean, Orcus never even kind of got to be one of the planets often called the anti Pluto.

[Wade]

Well, Pluto's high on my list.

[Host]

It's just an opposite orbital phase from Pluto. So they just, they just keep their distance.

[Mark]

Oh, so people might have mistaken them for each other at some point.

[Host]

It was only discovered in 2004.

[Mark]

Oh, it's. It's like, it's like a third the size of Pluto. Why is this even in the running?

[Wade]

Well, if Pluto's high on my list and Orcus is not, then that means Orcus is pretty low.

[Host]

I like the name. I like both Orcus and Vanth. I feel like those are cool names. I don't like the vibe. I feel like he wishes he was,

[Wade]

but he's not f or low D.

[Mark]

Given that I've only just heard of it, I feel bad if it got

[Host]

put in F. That feels mean, I guess, but all right.

[Wade]

So above Mars. Oh, okay. It's either f or above Mars. There's no in between.

[Host]

I'm sensing that Mark is a bit. What's that from?

[Mark]

It's from the Lighthouse. When Willem Dafoe goes. He's like, stands up, gives a.

[Wade]

I like Willem Dafoe. So Triton must be pretty high up on the list, then.

[Host]

That immediately gives me positive feelings about Triton. I like some Willem Dafoe.

[Mark]

Very B energy.

[Host]

I. I feel that right next to hexagonal Death Star titty.

[Wade]

Willem Dafoe. You did this. You ro. You rosed Triton series.

[Host]

No.

[Wade]

No.

[Announcer]

Oh, good.

[Wade]

You know what? Low D or F because it made my phone go off.

[Host]

That's really funny because it sounds like the phone lady.

[Wade]

I don't know. I got nothing for or against that. It exists.

[Host]

I mean, default.

[Mark]

Okay, hold on. Ceres is not a moon. Ceres is a dwarf planet that's inside the asteroid belt. You gotta be tough to live in there.

[Wade]

Oh, yeah, that's.

[Mark]

That's not a good place to live.

[Wade]

Almost as tough as Miranda. Bottom of seat here.

[Host]

All right.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

No argument. Okay. You guys just gave me that.

[Host]

You just said it so definitively, I believe you. All right, now for the big one. Pluto.

[Mark]

Pluto.

[Host]

We grew up knowing Pluto as the pizzas that my very educated mother just bought us nine of. But now it is nothing. Do we love Pluto because it's a fallen planet? Or do we hate Pluto because it lied to us for our entire lives? How do we feel about Pluto?

[Wade]

If Pluto is the yin to Orcus's yang, it has to be a tier.

[Mark]

I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn't ask to be labeled a planet. It was just there when planets were being labeled planets. It just made its orbit there, and it kind of was like, oh, oh, okay. No objections here. Here's my big fucking moon. Look at my huge moon. You know, I think that, you know, you. You gotta give it tons of and that heart.

[Wade]

It has dealt with being last in line and then forgotten its whole life. And it's not complained once, not once. A tier. Pluto.

[Mark]

Those other dwarf planets, they're not spherical.

[Wade]

Pluto.

[Host]

Beautiful sphere A tier Pluto.

[Mark]

Sharon.

[Wade]

Rest apiece. Ozzy.

[Host]

Does that big ass moon get to live with its tiny ass, not planet? Or does it get the default moon treatment? It is impressive. It's like Mark had pointed out, it's Pluto. Really pulled a good one.

[Wade]

Right now it kind of looks like it has my hairline. It's kind of shaded on the back and sides. It has a little fluff on top.

[Mark]

I give. Way to be.

[Wade]

Oh, babe. Be for babe. Be for babe.

[Mark]

Be for babe.

[Wade]

All right, this is a. Whatever this is, is spicy Salacia.

[Host]

Trans neptunian object in the Kuiper Belt. Likely a dwarf planet. Discovered in 2004. Has one moon named Actea and it orbits the sun once every 274 years. Classified as a Cubano, which is a Cubano KBO. I don't know what that is.

[Wade]

A kmart big offer.

[Host]

Sure, sure, sure, sure. It's a trans neptunian object.

[Mark]

What's huame? I don't care. Give it. Whatever.

[Wade]

I don't know what any of these things are.

[Mark]

I'm more interested in Hua Mea. Whoa, Hua Mea. What the fuck do you want to talk about, fat ass? You know Saturn ain't got nothing on Hua Mea.

[Host]

Rapidly rotating egg shaped dwarf planet in the Kuiper Belt beyond Neptune.

[Wade]

What if that actually is an egg?

[Mark]

Well, that's a problem.

[Host]

What if it's the egg of the next sun?

[Wade]

What came first, the sun or the egg?

[Host]

That's what I'm talking about.

[Mark]

That's what I'm talking about. I've never seen this before in my life. I've never heard of this. I didn't even know planets could be oblong like that. I wonder if it's in the process of ripping itself apart or something. Like, I don't know how it's holding together like that.

[Wade]

That.

[Mark]

That takes. That's. That's. This definitely earns B tier.

[Wade]

At least no parents are sitting on it to help it hatch either. It's abandoned.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Wade]

All right.

[Host]

I'm. I'm cool with B. That's it. That's an interesting thing.

[Mark]

All right. We should probably speed this up.

[Host]

I mean, we don't have to go through all. There's a whole bunch of shit that we don't have to talk about on this. I mostly wanted to get through the solar system, which we have done. I just want to say, what is make? Make?

[Mark]

Oh, I've. I've heard of this.

[Host]

Make. Make. Dwarf planet. I mean, I assume it's probably like make Thing?

[Mark]

Yeah, it's a Cooper Belt dwarf planet

[Wade]

in case you ever want to come back. I won't spoil it. Bob, you got some funny stuff on here.

[Host]

No, I know. Yeah, it's. I. I just borrowed this. So this is. You know, there's.

[Mark]

Okay, there's two more I think we should look at it, which is Planet nine and Thea, because those are interesting ones.

[Wade]

Whatever's happening on Thea looks crazy. Planet nine is just a circle on this image. So I don't know.

[Mark]

So Thea is actually what they think is slammed into Earth, like primordial Earth, and exploded it to make the Moon. And they think they've looked at this recently in the geological conglomeration of surveys of the Earth. They think they see pieces of Theia embedded in the crust, or not the crust, the mantle of the Earth. They think they can see evidence of this other thing that slammed in and the pieces of it are still in the planet.

[Host]

Interesting.

[Mark]

Thea's pretty cool. I mean, lost fought Earth and lost, but, you know, still, it made the moon.

[Host]

Earth is a tier, and it put up a good fight with Earth because it did. It did make the moon.

[Wade]

Earth is still wielding the scars. Mark just said that. B. High B.

[Mark]

High B. I would put a high B. Yeah.

[Host]

I'm going to say above moons, but below planets in B. Yeah.

[Mark]

It gets a lot of props for giving Earth what it has right now.

[Host]

It made a moon, so it has to be above the moons.

[Wade]

I agree.

[Mark]

That's good.

[Wade]

Fair.

[Mark]

That's fair.

[Host]

Planet nine, a hypothetical massive planet believed to exist in the far outer solar system, far beyond Neptune, proposed by astronomers Mike Brown and Constantine Batygin. Its existence is suggested by the clustered eccentric orbits of distant trans Neptunian objects, which indicate a gravitational influence from a hidden large body, potentially five to 10 times the mass of Earth, taking 10 to 20,000 years to orbit the Sun. I can't. I've heard about this before, and I'm not at all like an astronomy nerd or anything, so I don't look into this stuff very deeply. I could never tell if this is like a conspiracy theory that's only pushed by wackos who are like, there's a secret planet and there's a civilization on it, and they plan. They see the Earth or if this is like a real thing, because it seems to be scientifically backed and a theory that's put forward by actual, like, astronomers. I don't know. Know.

[Wade]

I like seeing the orbit, how its orbit goes a completely different direction than everyone else's. I also like the image where there's an actual just question mark on it.

[Mark]

That would be weird if we got, like, oh, Voyager just so happened to do a flyby. What the f. The Riddlers.

[Host]

That's where the Riddler's from. Yeah. There you go.

[Wade]

Why didn't I say the Riddler? I thought it got milk for some reason.

[Host]

Mmm. I mean, it's kind of cool. I like this kind of like a,

[Mark]

you know, scary story you tell in the dark kind of thing. It's kind of fun.

[Host]

I like stuff where science is like, well, this should exist. Doesn't make any fucking sense that there would be this huge planet so far away. But also all the. All the things we have, the gravitational readings we can get, they suggest that this should exist. So I guess we're just gonna say it's a thing.

[Wade]

Maybe put it next to Uranus. It's another mystery hole.

[Host]

I do like it better than Mercury.

[Wade]

I don't think it's quite as cool as Haumea because, like, Haumea was just so weird. Made more images of it. I think Planet nine is just suffering from our lack of knowledge.

[Host]

But it's cool. But if it is out there.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Mark]

It would go up.

[Wade]

The more we know, the more it would go up.

[Mark]

Yeah. Or it could go down if it turns out it's lame.

[Wade]

That's true. Yeah. That's a good tier list. I feel like we did a good job.

[Host]

I think astronomers will agree for us for decades, ages, even. What kind of time measurements do astronomers. Favorite light years. That's time, right? Light years. And our only F tier is Titania. Titania. Because it wishes it was Titan, but it's not.

[Wade]

You know why I'm having such bad luck today? Haumeah is in retrograde.

[Host]

Ah, but Triton is in Hark.

[Wade]

I laughed. I laughed.

[Host]

You did. You didn't even point at me and say, that's funny. You actually laughed, which I appreciate. That's gonna be the end of the episode. Let's go over who got points for which, in no particular order, Wade, you got for saying hi, boys when I prompted you to.

[Wade]

Yes.

[Host]

Pokemon again. I guess you got a jealousy point. You got a point for Bonnie Tyler for still being bald. For Yo Fun Moon. Fun name. Got a point for you're still showing the hexagon.

[Wade]

Oh, yeah, that's.

[Host]

And you got a point for Got milk for some reason. Mark, you got a point for saying hi, boys. You got a point for Thaki for pandering. You got a render farm destroyed. Point. Point. You had a wink wonk. Point B for. You had a point for moon when you were describing how the moon was made. You got a point for accurately selling us on how much Saturn. You got a point for Hawk Trident. And you got a point for the Riddler planet because we both said it at the exact same moment. And that's what smart people do. That makes the final score. Well, that's not the final score. The current score. 10 points for Mark and 8 points for Wade.

[Wade]

Oh, I'm still in the running. I thought I was getting destroyed. I'm still in the running.

[Host]

You're still showing. The hexagon really saved you because I

[Wade]

still have the tab open. I'm not gonna lie. It's there.

[Host]

I didn't really have a thing planned for what I want to add to the wheel. I don't really want to do like a planet, a tier list one. I want to do one that takes away a point. You know what? Minus 1.4. I'm going to say either making fun of Mark for being shot short or making fun of Wade for being bald.

[Mark]

Oh, did someone have to do it

[Host]

or you don't have to do it? I just feel like those come up a lot. But it's like if you. If you made a Marcus short joke or a Wade is bald joke. Minus one point. If Wade makes bald jokes, it still counts. No self deprecating.

[Wade]

Oh, I self defecate all the time.

[Host]

You defecate all over yourself. Anyway. How many? That's the first thing we do. Woohoo.

[Wade]

Eight.

[Host]

Eight. Eight. Two.

[Wade]

Oh, just enough. Just enough. So you're saying there's a chance.

[Host]

Two is not the number that I would have picked. Tell you that you're not going to do your little.

[Wade]

We're actually doing it.

[Host]

Yeah. I'm going to spin it for real so there's no cheating or anything. Most personal attacks.

[Mark]

We were only attacking Mars there. So I guess that would be the personal.

[Host]

Yeah, well, we talked a lot of shit about Mars and. And Titania.

[Mark]

I came for Mercury pretty hard. I was pretty straight out of the gate.

[Host]

You know, B B is for bitch. That's true. Mark had the strongest personal attacks against some of the. Some of the debated issues today. I feel like I have to agree with that.

[Wade]

I might have come at Mars the hardest, but Mark went for more planets harder. All right, golf rules.

[Host]

Yeah. Barring any terrible things happening, I'm not gonna be spinning the winner's wheel today. Basically guaranteed the sudden death wedge would not possibly pop up again. Right.

[Mark]

Okay.

[Wade]

You know my Scottish Sweden accent.

[Host]

I don't think anyone used any accent. Is the Willem Dafoe reference an accent? It was more like a dramatic. I think that's a respin. I think that's a resp. I don't think there were really any serious accents. Good. The sudden death tile would never come up again. Ah.

[Mark]

Does that count?

[Host]

I think that does count.

[Wade]

Swept again.

[Mark]

So if it landed on that and no one's made a joke and then it landed on minus one for the

[Host]

short go,

[Mark]

I'll take it.

[Host]

The wheel loses one point. Yeah, if. If the wheel lands on shortest and then the wheel lands on lose a point for short jokes. I feel like the wheel loses the point.

[Mark]

I say if. If the wheel has to lose a point, it has to spin and we have to remove one of the options.

[Host]

Oh, I like that. That. I'm sure we'll remember that when it comes up. Anyway, Mark remains undefeated in today's episode because he won on base points, and then he won both the spins.

[Wade]

It's true.

[Host]

Making the final score 12 to 8. You know what? The only thing Mark is going to be defeated by is that he doesn't get to make a loser speech. Wade. Loser speech.

[Wade]

Not gonna lie. This episode started a little rough. First, my eyes were burning, so I had to run, take out my contacts. Then I. I removed a wire from under my desk. Then I squirted water everywhere. Then I proceeded to get trampled on at every possible stop along the way to getting crushed by four points.

[Mark]

But you know what?

[Wade]

I had fun. Our tier list ended up turning out pretty good. I think, therefore, I accept my place at the bottom of the podium.

[Host]

I think it's a great tier list. I'm a fan. I only wish we could put Saturn higher.

[Wade]

Wish we could put Mars lower.

[Mark]

It could be lower.

[Host]

It's not even F tier yet.

[Wade]

Anyway.

[Host]

Mark Winter, Speed.

[Mark]

At first, I thought Wade was employing psychological warfare against me during my elite small talk, but then I remembered that's just Wade. So then the rest of the episode was just pure confidence all the way through. I knew that this was his. He rolled his dice for how his day was gonna go today, and I knew he rolled a critical one from that point on, and I had it in the bag. So, yeah, thank you for allowing. Allowing me to get this win. Hand of fate.

[Wade]

I rolled a four.

[Mark]

Pretty low.

[Host]

Congratulations to Mark, our glorious and brilliant and beautiful winner. And congratulations to Wade for having the privilege of losing to Mark. Make sure you check out their channels. Mark plyer, lordmain777 man777 I'm icecream. Make sure you follow the podcast and then you'll always get a little beep boop on your phone when the thing comes out. And watch. Watch it or listen to it or whatever. Well, you should watch it though, and make sure you check out the merch and keep that bad boy up there because it sells out real fast. Every drop we've had sells out real fast. If you actually want to get some, you got to pay attention. Yeah, maybe there will be more someday. Distractible Shop is where you should look. Anyway, that's the end of the episode. Mark's gonna host the next one when Wade will be there too. See you on the next episode of Distractible. We're out of here. Podcast episode out.

[Announcer]

Watch new episodes on Spotify.

[Mark]

Monster Energy Everybody knows White Monster Zero

[Host]

Ultra, that's the og. It kicked off this whole zero sugar energy drink thing.

[Mark]

But Ultra is a whole lineup now. You've got Strawberry Dreams, Blue Hawaiian Sunrise, and Vice Guava. And they all bring the Monster Energy punch.

[Host]

So if you've been living in the

[Mark]

White can branch out. Ultra's got a flavor for every vibe, and every single one is Zero Sugar. Tap the banner to learn more.