Distractible: "Solar System Tier List"

Date: February 27, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Episode Overview:
In this episode, Mark, Wade, and Bob set out on a hilariously "innovative" journey to rank planets, moons, and unique celestial objects in the solar system using a classic internet tier list format. As always, their "rules" are flexible, the banter chaotic, and the insights both surprisingly sharp and endearingly dumb. The hosts riff on the merits and shortcomings of everything from Mercury to the hypothetical Planet Nine, with every segment spiced by their signature humor and interruptions.

Main Theme

A Space-Themed Tier List with Distractible Flair

The core of the episode is a spirited debate and comedy discussion around the creation of a tier list for planets, moons, and notable objects in the solar system. Each host shares personal views, fun facts, and eccentric logic to back their rankings, while their tangents, tech mishaps, and self-mockery keep the mood light and unpredictable.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Small Talk Warm-up & Tech Chaos

Timestamps: 02:20–15:00

• Mark introduces his new semi-mechanical Stream Deck keyboard. A debate ensues about keyboard sounds and the merits of "thocky" typing.
  • Mark: “It’s got this nice, like soft. They call it thocky.” [05:13]
  • Host/Bob: “You can’t just say that.” [05:14]
• Wade discusses a brutally difficult Pokémon roguelite fan game, which leads to a running theme of technological issues and personal mishaps. Wade messes up his desk, wires, and gets water all over his keyboard, setting a slapstick tone for his episode-long "bad luck."
  • Wade: “It is the most brutally unfair experience. And I got annihilated in four hours.” [08:14]
• Mark breaks the news that his legendary bathroom render farm has been moved to a real server room—a major life upgrade and the close of a long-running inside joke.
• The group riff on the constantly shifting, never-remembered "rules" of their point system and mock their own inability to keep track.

2. Tier List Introduction and Criteria

Timestamps: 16:00–17:51

• The hosts lay out the episode's structure: starting with the sun, they'll progress outward, ranking each planet and notable moon in the solar system. Moons, planet-like objects, and even space stations are given the possibility to join the ranking.

Quote:
Bob: "We're gonna be making a tier list... but not just any tier list. This Is gonna be a tier list of stuff in space." [15:38]

3. The Solar System Debate: Planet by Planet, Moon by Moon

Timestamps: 17:52–47:00

The Sun

• Unanimously ranked as S Tier for being the "giver of life."
  • Mark: “If anything was worthy of being an S tier, it would be the sun.” [17:51]

Mercury

• Gets roasted:
  • Mark: "B for bitch." [18:45]
  • Consensus: C Tier (“no moons,” “just getting smacked around”)

Venus

• Credited for its insane atmosphere and resilience.
  • Mark: “Venus, way tougher than Mercury... it rains like sulfuric acid.” [20:24]
  • Consensus: B Tier

Earth & The Moon

• Earth: Praised for its electromagnetic field, criticized for humanity dragging it down.
  • Mark: “Earth bagged a hell of a moon, right? Huge moon for its size.” [21:17]
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Moon: Celebrated as "the moon," unique eclipses, and cultural meaning.
  • Mark: “It is the moon.” [22:50]
  • Wade: “Total Eclipse of the Heart. S tier. Song. I’m easy to please, man. Pasta. Good music.” [23:37]
  • Consensus: S Tier

Mars

• Mocked for being a disappointment; its moons (Phobos and Deimos) dismissed as “just rocks.”
  • Host: “Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot.” [23:51]
  • Wade: “Mars has ghosts and Mars Attacks, two things I didn't like about Mars.” [23:56]
  • Consensus: D Tier

Jupiter & Major Moons

• Jupiter: Impressive in size and for hosting the Great Red Spot, but ultimately "just a big gas ball."
  • Host: “It’s also real big. Isn’t Jupiter have like an infinite storm? Isn’t that what the spot on Jupiter is?” [25:54]
  • Consensus: B Tier
• Moons: Europa, Callisto, Io, and Ganymede ranked by aesthetics, name recognition, and Destiny/fictional relevance.

Saturn

• The group favorite, thanks to its prominent rings and unique features (hexagonal cloud pattern, thick “fat” equator).
  • Mark: “Saturn is awesome. That ring. That ring is unreal.” [29:38]
  • Host: “The alien hexagon on the north pole is top tier.” [31:27]
  • Consensus: S Tier

Can’t-Miss Moons in Saturn’s Orbit

• Titan: Noted for its size, presence in games and sci-fi, “cool” factor.
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Mimas: “Looks like the Death Star,” a running joke.
  • Wade: “I like my, my mass. Mimos. I like me Moss looks like a death star.” [31:55]
  • Consensus: High B/A Tier

Uranus & Neptune

• Uranus gets classic jokes for its name but is otherwise “boring.”
  • Top of C Tier, “comes below the boob [Mimas].”
• Neptune:
  • Host: “It looks better than Mars. Mars doesn’t look bad. Red planet kind of cool. Neptune looks way cooler.” [38:00]
  • Consensus: Top of D Tier—beautiful color but not much else going for it.

Dwarf Planets and Oddballs

• Pluto: Treated with nostalgia and underdog affection.
  • Mark: “I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn’t ask to be labeled a planet.” [41:14]
  • Consensus: A Tier
• Haumea: “Egg-shaped,” “crazy;” B Tier for uniqueness.
  • Host: “What if it’s the egg of the next sun?” [43:12]
• Planet Nine & Theia: Met with awe for their mythology and implications.
  • Host: “Planet nine… a scary story you tell in the dark kind of thing. It’s kind of fun.” [47:02]
  • Placed in C/B Tier for the “cool if real” factor.

4. Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Thocky Keyboard Banter:
  • Mark: "I'm always losing my stream deck or not setting it up... now it's just there..." [04:23]
• Tier List Mnemonics:
  • Host: "My vagina eats many monkey penises..." (mocking mnemonic for planet order) [19:15]
• Space Object Roasts & Compliments:
  • Mark: "It's not a moon. It is the moon." [22:50]
  • Host: "Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot." [23:51]
  • Mark: "B for bitch" (Mercury) [18:45]
  • Wade: “Jupiter is where men go to get more stupider. Is that good or bad?” [25:42]
• Distractible Logic:
  • Debates about the very concept of the “surface” of a gas giant, culminating in a Wikipedia/goggle search and general confusion.
  • Ranking moons by how “horny” their name makes them; laying out a bell curve of moon attractiveness.
    • Host: "How horny do they make you? That will rate how high? That means they should go." [36:30]
• Tech Fails & Wade’s Bad Luck:
  • Multiple segments where Wade's mishaps serve as both punchline and thematic thread, including the ultimate conclusion:
    • Wade (Loser speech): “This episode started a little rough. First, my eyes were burning... Then I squirted water everywhere. Then I proceeded to get trampled on at every possible stop along the way..." [52:34]

5. Final Tally, Winner, and Score Recap

Timestamps: 47:47–53:40

• Host (Bob) keeps a running score of arbitrary points awarded for jokes, puns, and successful small talk—recounted hilariously at episode's end.
  • Host: “That makes the final score... 10 points for Mark and 8 points for Wade.” [49:25]
• The winner is determined; Mark takes the victory after a well-played episode, with Wade delivering yet another legendary "Loser Speech."
  • Host: "Mark remains undefeated in today's episode because he won on base points, and then he won both the spins." [52:11]

Notable Quotes by Timestamp

• "[05:13] Mark: It's got this nice, like soft. They call it thocky."
• "[08:14] Wade: It is the most brutally unfair experience. And I got annihilated in four hours."
• "[15:38] Host: We're gonna be making a tier list... This is gonna be a tier list of stuff in space."
• "[18:45] Mark: B for bitch." (Mercury)
• "[22:50] Mark: It's not a moon. It is the moon."
• "[23:51] Host: Mars thinks he’s the sun. Wants to be orange. Actually turned red. What an idiot."
• "[29:38] Mark: Saturn is awesome. That ring. That ring is unreal."
• "[41:14] Mark: I think Pluto has so much going for it. It didn’t ask to be labeled a planet."
• "[52:34] Wade: This episode started a little rough... but you know what? I had fun. Our tier list ended up turning out pretty good. I accept my place at the bottom of the podium."
• "[53:10] Mark: At first, I thought Wade was employing psychological warfare against me during my elite small talk, but then I remembered that's just Wade..."

Important Segment Timestamps

• Small Talk & Mishaps: 02:20–15:00
• Rules & Tier List Overview: 16:00–17:51
• Main Tier List Debate: 17:52–47:00
• Arbitrary Point/Winner Recap & Closing: 47:47–53:40

Episode Highlights Recap

• The trio debates the essence, strengths, and "vibes" of each planet, often blending real science with deep silliness.
• Roasts of Mercury and Mars; love letter to Saturn's rings and the Moon's status; recurring jokes about mnemonic devices, tech fails, and celestial "thicc-ness."
• Distractible's unique blend of friendly rivalry, random scoring, and persistent inside jokes tie the space theme together in a way only they can.
• A shockingly solid, if unconventional, tier list is assembled; Mark emerges victorious, Wade’s woes become legendary, and everyone learns random facts and new ways to appreciate the planets.

For listeners who missed the episode:
The “Solar System Tier List” is your chance to hear the Distractible hosts at their best: irreverent, nerdy, and endlessly creative. Expect (mostly) wrong astronomy, tech chaos, hearty laughs, and a serious ranking that’s anything but serious.