The Best, The Worst

Summary

Distractible Podcast: "The Best, The Worst"

Date: March 21, 2025
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (B), Wade Barnes (A), Bob Muyskens (C)

Episode Overview

In “The Best, The Worst,” the Distractible trio dives into a classic game: proposing various topics and debating their “best” and “worst.” Combining banter, ridiculous stories, and moments of surprising insight, the episode showcases the hosts’ trademark dynamic as they riff on everything from numbers and smells to sports, parenthood, and conspiracy theories. As always, tangents abound and points are arbitrarily awarded, culminating in a dramatic wheel-spinning finale to determine the winner.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter & Catching Up

Timestamps: 02:40–14:40

• The hosts spend time catching up, riffing on their respective weeks and new hobbies.
• Mark is excited about his partnership with Prusa, a 3D printing company, receiving several printers and launching into an animated side discussion on the merits of Prusa vs. Bamboo Lab printers.
  • Quote:
    “This YouTuber privilege is coming in hot and hard.” – Mark (06:12)
• Bob shares updates on his woodworking pursuits, highlighting clamp addiction and plans for an elaborate train table for his son, James.
  • Quote:
    “If you’ve got clamps and lube, you’re already two thirds the way to fun times.” – Wade (11:28)
• Pet updates: Bob’s dog Lexi is recovering from surgery, leading to a heartfelt and empathetic moment.
  • Quote:
    “We’re all pet owners here. We all get it.” – Mark (13:37)

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2. Sports & Apparel Silliness

Timestamps: 14:40–22:45

• Wade laments the endless doom of being a Bengals fan, decrying the team's trades and ownership.
  • Quote:
    “My support and love of my team is at an all time...well, medium.” – Wade (15:18)
• Bob describes the absurdity of new Major League Baseball hats featuring unfortunate overlay designs resulting in team names like “TITAS” (Texas Rangers), “ASS” (Athletics), and “ANALS” (Angels).
  • Quote:
    “It’s just a green hat that says ass on it.” – Bob (19:24)
• This leads to goofy discussion about design oversight and accidental hilarity in branding.

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3. Best & Worst – The Big Game

Timestamps: 24:47–53:05

Wade lays out the central conceit: he’ll throw out random topics, and the guys have to name the best and worst. No right answers, just persuasive—and often ridiculous—opinions.

a. Best Number

• Mark votes for 1, Bob for 24 (for “aesthetically pleasing, multiple divisors...all around good”), and Wade for 3.
• Tangents on athlete numbers, the triangle as the “strongest shape,” and gold medals.
  • Quote:
    “The best number is clearly 24, for reasons I can’t fully explain.” – Bob (25:57)

b. Worst Number

• Bob: “Any number over 13,000 is the worst number. They’re all terrible.”
• Mark: “Nine, because of the gas station 0.009 nonsense.”
• Debate includes the folly of the penny and American currency, with detour into stripper economics.

c. Best Awful Smell

• Mark: Cigarette smoke (not cigars or cigars are much worse).
• Bob: Two-stroke engine exhaust (childhood nostalgia).

d. Worst Bad Smell

• Mark spins a macabre, graphic tale: “cave diving, getting stuck, exposed to sewage, corpses, rust, fracking nearby,” all at once in “the devil’s anus” cave.
  • Quote:
    “You crawl into a crevasse like you do...and your gas mask gets pulled off...the fetid ocean water, all the other dead bodies of divers...sewage and rust...” – Mark (33:36)
• Bob: Changing his son’s diapers, not for olfactory offense alone but because of the duties it triggers.
  • Quote:
    “My worst smell is James’s poopy diapy...because it comes with the realization that now I gotta go change that.” – Bob (37:41)
• Wade: Traumatized by witnessing an infamous diaper change as a child.

e. Best Activity Tried

• Mark: “Sex is pretty cool...but not my answer.” More seriously, he reflects on how trap shooting was surprisingly fun despite never being a gun person.
  • Quote:
    “I didn’t think I was going to enjoy it that much.” – Bob (41:13)
• Bob: General appreciation for standup shows, improv, and “a good cry.”
• Wade: Recounts improv show memories, especially a man pretending to be in agony looking at his knees.

f. Worst Activity Tried

• Mark: Participating in a concert pit—jostled, uncomfortable, never fun.
• Bob: Parades—overstimulating, loud, never enjoyable.
  • Quote:
    “I have never been to a parade of any kind where at any point I was like, I'm glad we came. This is fun.” – Bob (48:26)

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4. Speed Round: The Best (and Worst) Conspiracy Theories

Timestamps: 53:11–61:10

• Mark: The “caves with missing persons” overlay conspiracy; possible Bigfoot or lizard people connection.
• Bob: Sovereign citizens—people who claim they're immune to all law and whose courtroom antics are both “so funny” and deeply frustrating.
  • Quote:
    “The conspiracy is their own life.” – Wade (54:41)
• Flat Earth gets universal agreement as “the dumbest conspiracy.”
  • Quote:
    “It has to be a bit that’s gone on too long.” – Mark (60:01)

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5. Finale: Scoring, Spinning, and Winner Speeches

Timestamps: 61:57–70:34

• Points are given semi-randomly for entertaining answers, with running jokes about “baldist” and the never-ending coin flip.
• Henry the dog is awarded “comedy points.” The scoreboard becomes: Mark (13), Bob (12), Henry (3), Listeners (1), Wade (2).
• After tense wheel spinning, Mark emerges the winner.
• Mark’s (facetious) winner speech:
  • “I’m a nice guy and I won. And those things are very good for me and everybody. I like winning and people like winners.”
• Bob’s “loser” speech is more philosophical, expressing contentment at the process:
  • “I never thought I’d be in favor of wheel spins and coin flips and all this. I like it now. I’ve done a total 180. [...] That’s who we are as people.”

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Prusa Hype:
  “I’m Team Prusa all the way, baby.” – Mark (05:20)
  “Did you tell them it'll be on the show?” – Bob (07:11)

• Absurd Opening Wordplay:
  “What was the last one? What was the last one, huh? Oh, a hinge. Like for your door.” – Wade (04:22)

• MLB Hat Riffing:
  “It's just a hat that says T toss. [...] A hat that literally just says ass.” – Bob (19:14–19:24)

• Currency Philosophy:
  “I don't think it should be legal for prices to include denominations you cannot offer as payment.” – Bob (28:44)

• Cave Diving Horror:
  “You crawl into a crevasse...and your gas mask gets pulled off...fetid ocean water, all the other dead bodies of divers...” – Mark (33:36)

• On Sovereign Citizens:
  “The conspiracy is their own life.” – Wade (54:41)

• Final Thoughts:
  “I’m the baldest. We will do the tie spin.” – Wade (64:55)
  “I’m a nice guy and I won. And those things are very good for me and everybody. I like winning and people like winners. I like me.” – Mark (68:49)
  “We made it all the way to the accidental tie wheel...I'm glad this is the way that our show is now.” – Bob (69:34)

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Most Important Segments & Timestamps

| Segment | Timestamp | |-------------------------------------------------------------- |------------- | | Podcast theme & Pet/Personal Updates | 02:40–14:40 | | MLB Hat Discussion & Sports Tangents | 14:40–22:45 | | Game: Best & Worst (Numbers, Smells, Activities, etc.) | 24:47–53:05 | | Speed Round (Conspiracy Theories) | 53:11–61:10 | | Final Scores, Wheel Spin, Winner Announced | 61:57–70:34 |

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Tone & Takeaway

Distractible is at its best in this episode: witty, meandering, a blend of inane and insightful, deeply personal and wildly tangential. Whether debating the best number, complaining about modern sports, or existentially riffing on parades and currency, the hosts’ chemistry ensures listeners are perpetually entertained. Their playful competitiveness, blended with a readiness to be gently vulnerable (or thoroughly ridiculous), makes even the silliest segments both sincere and hilarious.

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For those who missed it, “The Best, The Worst” is a textbook Distractible experience: casual, absurd, and, above all, a celebration of friendship and pointless debate.

Transcript

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions, the newest drop from Welch's Fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[B]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[C]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers and record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[A]

Brilliant.

[B]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

[A]

It's an unbelievable taste sensation. So they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions. Please use responsibly. This episode is brought to you by Mentos Gum. Keep things fresh. It's important, right? And I'm not just talking about fresh breath. It's important to switch up your routine whenever you can. I just. I'm the person who you can't help but chew. You put a mint in your mouth, you're supposed to suck on it. I'm like, swallow. So I kind of need gum.

[C]

You turn into a cartoon dog. I'm sorry. Next time we hang out, I'm giving you a mint just to see what happens.

[A]

And of course, another way to refresh every day is with Mentos gum, available in a range of fresh flavors like spearmint, fresh mint and strawberry Mentos gum. Yes to fresh.

[C]

This episode is brought to you by Degree. Degree is for the hustlers who put in the sweat, which we know a thing or two about.

[B]

For 35 years, 11 months, 28 days and 6 hours, I didn't believe in deodorant. But then Degree came along.

[C]

As you can relate to three relatable guys like us, Degree advance has you covered with up to 72 hour sweat and odor protection. Degree here for sweat. Bye now.

[B]

Good evening, gentle listeners and watchers, and welcome to Distractable this episode.

[C]

Well received.

[B]

Wade loses pet access, burns the bangles, then asks for opinions. Multicultural Mark invokes pretty privilege with Prusa, slams the evil echoes of spelunking, and enjoys Bambi blasting burly Bob clamps for carpentry, gives great tidings, explains organized sports and heckles headgear.

[C]

From irritating lube to crap concepts.

[A]

It'S.

[B]

Time for the best, the worst. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[A]

Hello, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractable. I'm today's hostess with the mostest, Wade Jones. Always by my co hostest. With the mostest but slightly lessest. Most.

[B]

Mostussies is what? It's the plural. Hostess with the most usies.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I think. Yeah, I think he's right.

[A]

Or Bob.

[B]

Hi, Bob Marcosi.

[C]

Uh huh.

[A]

How are your usies today?

[B]

Oh, why are you asking about our Uzis?

[A]

Because I'm perverted.

[C]

That's messed up.

[B]

That's true.

[C]

I actually have. I have a prop that applies directly to that for some reason. Look what I found in my basement.

[A]

Wow. Generic lube.

[C]

It's literally. I. I think I know what it's from, but when I found it, I was like, what in the shit? Yeah. It's just a white tube that just says lube on it. It's from Quaker Steak.

[A]

Oh, is it like hot sauce in there you put on your food?

[C]

I wish. It does say the back does have language on it that says caution may cause skin irritation. If it touches you, wash it. I don't think it's that kind of lube.

[A]

That seems like the wrong kind of lube.

[C]

I think it's like lubricant for machinery. We had. We have a new workout machine that we got in the basement. It's an elliptical. And I think this is like lube to put on the slidey parts because it's slidey slides. But it's really fucking weird that it's just a nondescript white tube that says lube on it.

[A]

They would have put more labeling on the front, but they couldn't afford those letters.

[C]

Lubrication is a complicated word. Don't want to print that on stuff if you don't have to, I guess.

[A]

Or machine lube. Thick lube. Cousin lube.

[B]

What was that last one?

[A]

What was that last one? What was the last one? Huh? Oh, a hinge. Like for your door.

[B]

Third one. Third one was the third one.

[A]

Door hinge.

[B]

You didn't say cousin lube.

[A]

What? That's messed up.

[B]

All right. Okay. I'm just saying you are perverted. But I wasn't sure.

[C]

That one's not lube for cousin. That's cousin named lube.

[A]

Or that famous place in Europe, the lube.

[C]

Or that place where we're all fam. The clue. Come on, Mark, get in on this. This is a good one.

[B]

I don't have one.

[C]

No, this is a good bit, Mark.

[B]

Floob. A place where you let me in there.

[A]

The boob.

[C]

Isn't that the place where babies are babies? Come from or something? What was that?

[B]

Our babies come from the boob.

[C]

They come from the boob.

[A]

Yeah, that's true.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[C]

Let me in there. I'm a baby.

[A]

That's where I go.

[C]

Yeah, everyone's gonna know that reference. Let's not explain it. Continue, Wade.

[A]

No, I think it's time for small talk. I think we're already basically there. So what's new? How's life?

[B]

I love Prusa. I 1000%, just randomly, for no other reason. Am Team Prusa all the way, baby.

[C]

Got that email coming through. Huh?

[A]

What? No.

[B]

What? Yeah, Prusa, it's company.

[A]

For some reason, I thought Prusa was like a weird prune juice, but I think it's the company that does the. It's just I pictured like a can of like, Prusa.

[C]

Like, it's a prune juice company started by a very enthusiastic southern preacher.

[B]

Prusa. Prusa.

[C]

Prune juice for your soul.

[B]

So I am 100% team prusa all the way for no other reason. I love them. I love them.

[C]

I love them.

[A]

What'd they send you?

[C]

Ftc. Just so we're clear, I think Mark might have got a couple of 3D printers. How's it going with the printers? They work good. You like?

[B]

It was really good. I had an email exchange with them. For those who don't know Prusa, the 3D printing company. Super getting into it. This YouTuber privilege is coming in hot and hard. I. I emailed them and they were like, oh, we're a big fan. We'll send you a printer.

[A]

I was like, oh, that's great. Cool.

[B]

So they sent me a printer and that's not unusual. They sent me a printer and it works really well. If anything, I think it's actually legitimately better than the Bambu Lab. You don't have any of the privacy issues. I also 3D printed an upgrade to it right after I. I got it.

[A]

That's the best move.

[B]

A 3D printed dry box for the filament spool holder, which is in. Embedded in the side.

[A]

Really cool.

[B]

And so I was like, hey, maybe there's a bigger long term relationship. And then I was like, you know, maybe we could work something out. They're like, we're going to send you six printers, two extra large printers, two of our professional line printers, and then when it comes out, another printer, and then all the filament you could possibly want.

[C]

And this is for distractible, right?

[A]

Hmm.

[C]

Did you. It'll be. Do you tell them it'll be on the show.

[B]

Oh, it goes on shelves? Yeah, it goes on shelves.

[A]

He's only gonna get six of a bob. How is he supposed to share?

[C]

I'll just buy one like a Normie. It's fine.

[B]

Prusa was very nice, actually. And. And I like, this is not me.

[C]

You know, even by markiplier standards, which people, when they find out like, oh, you're markiplier. Oh, they'll often get really hyped up and be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, use our thing. What? That's sounds like they really got the hots for you.

[A]

He's got a box of firstborn children.

[C]

That people have thrown at him just sitting in storage.

[B]

You know, their printers are really good. They're known for their reliability. And I gotta say, that thing, the new one that they got, the car one, is really good. And it's about the same price as the Bamboo Lab that it's competing against. So I'm like, thumbs up all the way. That being said, I haven't tested out any of the other ones. They might be giant pieces of shit for all I know, but I doubt it because it's Prusa.

[C]

If they are, what a funny gag that would be. They make one really good one and that's the one where they're like, oh, send this to all the YouTubers and stuff, like, get people to talk about this one. And the rest of them are just like Chinese re badges of knockoff crap. Gotcha.

[B]

The one of them that I'm excited about is the xl, like the super large because it has interchangeable tool heads. So instead of like with the Bamboo Lab, you have four filament spools in your thing, but they all go through one tube. So it has to cut them off and then pull it all the way back or. And then expel the filament that was in there before and then feed in a whole new line. With the Excel, it just goes up, docks the tool head that had the filament that it was in it and retracts, goes to grab the other one, then prints with that one. So there's very. It's really cool. Way faster. Allows you to do more, like, impressive stuff with it. So I'm very excited about that one also. It's very big, so. Really, really big.

[C]

You know, what's the print volume on that thing? You know, what is it?

[B]

Print volume on that? I haven't gotten it yet. So where are you going to store these things?

[A]

Are you getting rid of the servers? Are you.

[B]

Oh, you just convert another bathroom. I realize if I Just hold it. I don't actually need to use the bathroom, so I can convert all the bathrooms into additional 3D printing space.

[A]

You can just print a toilet when you need one.

[C]

Prusa XL build volume is about 14 inches cubed.

[B]

Oh, cool. Yeah, Bambu Lab is like 256 millimeters cubed, which is. I think this is like parameters are about a third bigger, but the volume increases cubically by.

[C]

Yeah, it's 36 centimeters cubed. So what is that? 360 millimeters cubed? Is that how that works? I don't know. Europe numbers.

[A]

So to us normal people out there.

[B]

Mark got printers, I got printers. And hey, if you're going to get printers out there, why not consider a Prusa?

[A]

One of us is sponsored for this kind of.

[C]

That's fun.

[B]

I think this is the legal gray area because they didn't ask for a contract. You know, they give me a lot of shit for free. Where's the legality in that? Because I don't often get sponsors ever. I did a Shopify ad just recently and it's some of the best response I've ever seen.

[A]

Yeah, I tuned into that video because that was like on headliners or something, right? And I was like, man, what are people thought of Mark's gay play? I looked at the comments and it was all like, shopify, what an ad, Mark. And I was like, yeah, what about the game? The game? I was a part of what people think of it. They like the game. Oh, Mark, your Shopify is like the entire comments. I was listening, like, is this a paid like audience?

[B]

It was a very funny ad. Elixian did a great job editing it. He really did.

[A]

I think every single member of your community is a bot. And all those comments were fake.

[C]

That's a lot of bots.

[A]

You were like, I need this. I need to be able to do my own ads again the way I want. Lexion, buy me bots.

[B]

You know in Mass Effect when you got the geth and they're like a collective machine consciousness. That's Lixian. He's the collective geth of.

[C]

I mean, he's everywhere. He's. He's over here too. He's everywhere.

[A]

Yeah. I still feel bad for thinking that upside down Lixian was like a. I don't remember what. I thought he was on your something, something weird mountain or something.

[B]

Nah, dick. I think it was a dick.

[C]

Bob. What's new with you guys? My woodworking journey has begun. Yeah, that's right. I immediately started making mistakes, but it's okay. Because I got wood glue and clamps.

[B]

You're going to need more clamps.

[C]

I already bought more clamps twice.

[A]

If you got clamps and lube, you're already two thirds. The way to fun times is however.

[B]

Many clamps you have. It's not enough.

[C]

No, I only own six clamps and I need about 20 to do what I want to do.

[B]

And then you need another size of clamps that's even bigger. And then you need 30 more of a different size.

[C]

Well, and you need, you need some calls. So you could do flat glue ups and keep them nice and nice and trued up. And you need some, some good parallel clamp. I'm going to need corner clamps. I found a local woodwork company that makes like hardwood. Custom hardwood furniture. And they just have like a room full of off cuts of pretty nice, like random sized hardwood just. And they're like. Yeah, just like whatever, like five bucks take that hunk of whatever we got, you know, like maple and the heads of mahogany, which is pretty cool. And like they, they just have a bunch of stuff. So yeah, I'm. I'm do it. I'm gonna like make a cutting board or something.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[C]

But also I'm going to build. The thing I'm really hype on right now is I'm going to build James a train table. Did you guys ever have one of those when you're a kid? No, no, it's just a table, but it's like you put, you know, the wooden train tracks and you drive the train. It's like that kind of thing. But this one's.

[A]

Are you going to print the tracks?

[C]

No, I already have the tracks because we got them from a secondhand shop for like super cheap. But this one's going to have multiple levels and one level is going to have like LEGO board affixed to it. But then you take that off and there's going to be a lower level that'll be like train land. It's going to be fun. I'm hype about it. I've got a really simple plan that uses mostly dimensional lumber. And it's not very professional woodworking, but I'm not a very professional woodworker, so I'm pretty hype about it. I might even throw in some half lap joints if I'm feeling crazy.

[A]

Flapjack joints sound cool.

[C]

I talked to you guys about this, but since I set this up in the last episode, Lexi's okay. Lexi had her surgery. So she survived the surgery. She's having some reaction which is causing an insane amount of swelling and bruising and the doctor is not super happy about. But she's feeling better. The last day or two. She's starting to feel better. So. Sorry. I was all depressed and worried about Lexi and I think it was the last episode, but it's okay. She's okay.

[B]

That's okay. It's perfectly understandable.

[A]

We're all pet owners here. We all get it.

[B]

But if you could wrap up the sadness, that would be great for our ratings. Our viewers and don't really like that.

[A]

Yeah, we've. We've hit the two episode threshold. We can't talk about any topic for more than two episodes.

[C]

Like lenses or 3D printing or server.

[B]

No, they're very different. I was. I was talking about Bamboo Lab before.

[C]

This is Prusa. Oh, okay.

[A]

So you can talk about smexi, but no more Lexi. Wish I'd picked a different rhyme.

[C]

Sorry, I just take it so aback by your weird, inappropriate nickname for our dog dog that I don't think you should see Lexi in person anymore.

[A]

Oh, come on.

[C]

When you come over, she goes upstairs and we keep you guys separate.

[B]

Nothing new in the world of news. If you're looking for that.

[A]

I was. I was really hoping that you had literally anything.

[C]

God, I don't want to hear anything about the news right now. I listen to it every day, but I don't know if I can handle anymore.

[A]

I can tell you something that will be outdated by the time this airs, but is relevant right now. NFL free agencies happening. And boy, oh boy, is it still awful being a Bengals fan at the moment. Hopefully that changes.

[C]

We lose everybody yet or how's that working out?

[A]

No, but man, we certainly haven't gained anything. I feel like the past two years, throughout free agency, I've been like, man, really feels like the team's getting worse. And everyone in the fan base is like, no, this is great. Great move. This could be great. We're going to be so good. And my feeling is just like, man, some key pieces leaving some question marks coming in. I don't know. I don't feel like that's an upgrade. So my support and love of my team is at an all time. Well, medium.

[C]

Listen, who needs offensive or defensive linemen when you have a quarterback and two receivers?

[B]

That's if I know anything about football. That is all you need.

[C]

I'm pretty sure that's the entire team. Basically everyone else is just show just fluff.

[A]

That's what's been relevant in my life the last 24 plus hours. Is this doom scrolling? Like anything cool? Anyone? You guys were so close to winning. We just need a few pieces. Could you sign anyone? And they're like, no.

[C]

I think it'd be quite the move if a team who was like not particularly good but maybe could make a bunch of cap space just bought Burrow and Chase and Higgins or one of those two and just brought them in and was like, we're good now. See, like that would be terrible for the Bengals, but it would be fun because then everyone would get to see who else on the Bengals does things.

[A]

I don't know, man, Cleveland's a mess. I guess I can't rule them out. But like the Bengals were so close to winning a Super bowl and they've just destroyed their team since. The only team I could think of that seems to actively be like just avoiding winning more is maybe the NBA team, the Dallas Mavericks.

[B]

Okay, how again, I'm amateur in my knowledge of football, but if you have a team that almost won the super bowl, why would you change anything? Because it's just. It just sounds like you just need to take the same that you had and do it again.

[A]

Somehow. It seems like we have a broke billionaire owner.

[C]

The thing is money. I am also not an expert, but I will say the thing is money, right? It's expensive to keep good players. And also Burrow, Chase and T. Higgins have all proven that that they're like S class top tier players. Which means that even if they are under contract with Cincy, there's a big potential that someone else would be like, here's an even more hilariously large pile of money if you come play with us and they'll get bought out of their contract or just break their contract or whatever. Like I don't know the specifics, but basically it costs a lot and for some reason our owner is too cheap to want to win a Super Bowl. Or there's also like a salary cap. I have no specific knowledge of how that works or where it stands, but.

[A]

However, there was more space in that than they expected. This year it went up a lot more. We had like a top five offense last year and like a bottom five defense. One of our like maybe three solid to great defensive players was like, hey, I'm also due for a payday. And we were like, well, we do need help on the defense, so what.

[C]

If we trade you because winning is for idiots. Hey, I know this isn't a sports podcast, but I have funny sports news. I couldn't tell if this was real for a long Time. But it's really fucking funny. The MLB is in spring training right now, so they're starting to play baseball.

[A]

Major League Baseball to the viewers out there.

[C]

And they released, like a new. Like, every. They release new apparel, like, all the time, right? And they released a new series of hats where it's like, generally, it's like the team logo really big, and then like the letter of the city or the state that they're from in the middle, just as like, a general design, which, sure. But it made some hilarious hats because, like, the. The Texas logo. The Texas Rangers logo is just the word. Texas is what they went with. But then they put a big T in the middle of it. And so it's just a hat that says T toss. Because they literally just put a T over a word that had a different letter in that spot. So there was a T toss. Rangers hat. And also the Athletics moved, right? Previously it was the Oakland Athletics. I don't know anything about it, but they moved. The end of the last season was their last season in Oakland. Apparently they've moved to a new city with an S in it. I'm unclear. Anyway, they released a hat that literally just says ass. Because their team logo is the A's, right? So it's like a apostrophe S. And the hat is as in the background, as in the foreground shifted to the left. And it just says ass. It's just a green hat that says ass on it in the Athletics font. And it's real. I thought it was a joke.

[B]

It's legitimately an ass hat that it just says ass.

[C]

Another one I really like is the. The Los Angeles Angels. Their hat just said Angels on it. But it didn't have, like, LA, because that's the Dodgers. The Angels small logo is just the letter A. So the hat just says anals or anals or something.

[A]

But, like, it's what a well thought out campaign.

[C]

Whoever designed these hats is fucking hilarious because I think they knew what they were doing. Their bosses might not have known what they were doing, or whoever hired, you know, contracted them, but they knew what they were doing, and it's fucking awesome. And they're all sold out because I would have bought an ass hat immediately, no questions asked. You can't buy any of these. They're already sold out. Some of them are already taken off the Internet completely. Can't buy them anywhere. I wish I had seen this sooner because I would have bought possibly two or three of these ads.

[B]

I have been in the meetings of things that go like this, like, hours and hours of conversation about an unimportant detail that sits in the very corner of whatever it is that they're trying to make, and no one cares about what's in the middle. It's like, we need this one little disclaimer or this trademark symbol needed. Oh, it's got to be perfect. Like, they got all this text over.

[C]

Here, just a little bit over here. Whole logo.

[B]

No one's paying attention to it the whole meeting. No one cares.

[C]

Yeah, I mean, I'm not a huge baseball fan, but I generally root for the Reds. But I'm. I'm thinking hard about rooting for the titas.

[A]

The titties and the ass anals, man. It's hard not to root for them.

[C]

The Titas Rangers, my favorite team.

[B]

Also, titas in Spanish means tits. Unless you said that already.

[C]

I didn't, but I did know that. That's why it's funny.

[A]

E is pronounced a tata.

[C]

In America, it's pronounced titas.

[A]

That's true.

[C]

We don't speak other languages here, so.

[A]

Well, we did rename it Americo instead of Mexico.

[C]

So is that why the Gulf name changed? Actually, the Gulf of Americo because we renamed the country. It's weird that America has unilateral authority to just do stuff like that.

[B]

Well, I mean, it's.

[C]

No, Mark. It's weird that we did that because we did that and it's a thing now, and everyone else in the whole world ignoring that we did that doesn't mean it's not true.

[B]

That's not what I'm getting. I'm about to get pedantic. I'm about to get pedantic. Someone made the map a long time ago. They just made shit up. You know, someone drew a dragon in the middle of the ocean one day. Doesn't mean it's true.

[A]

Dragon D's nuts.

[C]

Maps can't lie. I assume they sailed up and they sailed past the words Guilf of Mexico floating on the ocean. And the. The cartographer was like, oh, Gulf of Mexico, man, that's handy.

[B]

Oh, no, I like Guilf of Mexico better.

[C]

Guilf of Mexico. Don't make fun of my Ohio accent.

[B]

Yeah, I've lost it all. California now.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Hang out with us a little bit. You'll get it back.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

At least once a week.

[C]

Okay. Sounds like a lot, honestly. But.

[D]

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[A]

Cooper loves that shoe too.

[D]

Oh, now he's into Cooper's food. Wow, he is loving it. What do you feed Cooper?

[A]

Blue Buffalo Life Protection Formula.

[C]

He never leaves a crumble.

[B]

I love it because it's made with.

[C]

High quality protein, nutrient rich fruits and.

[B]

Veggies, and wholesome whole grains.

[D]

Looks like we're switching to Blue Blue Buffalo foods are made with the superior ingredients your dog needs to thrive. Can your dog food say that? Visit feedbluefood.com to learn more.

[A]

I do have an episode for today. We've had a bit of small talk. I feel like our first episodes are always a bit more small talk heavy because we're like, let's catch up.

[C]

We're not talking what first episode?

[A]

What first episode of the month? Of the week? First episode of the year. I don't know. Whatever it is, we're going to do a fun little thing. This is pretty easy. Just. I'm going to propose things, you guys are going to answer. It's simple. Best and worst of things. But I've got a variety of different topics, so if everyone's like, we've done this before, maybe. But this is different because I said so, and I'm the host, so I get to say so.

[C]

It's the rules.

[A]

Let's just start with what is the. What is the best? Number one.

[B]

One, baby. Number one.

[C]

Nah. One. Nah. No way. Number one. Bab one Stink.

[B]

Ask anybody. Which would they rather be, number two or number one? Number zero. No. Loser. Hercules went from zero to hero, and hero might as well be one.

[C]

Hero is the other way. From one, zero, one is a downgrade. From zero, he went from zero up to negative. One or hero.

[B]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. No, hero is one. That's why I'm saying zero is bad. He went from zero.

[C]

He went left on the number line Mark. Left is good, right is bad.

[B]

My flipped or something.

[C]

But if he went left on the number line from zero, wouldn't he look the best? The best number is clearly 24, for reasons I can't fully explain. It's just the best number all around.

[B]

That's a good number.

[C]

It has multiple divisors, which is very pleasant. It's esthetically balanced and pleasing. It looks fantastic on, like, a sports jersey or on, like, a race car application. It's not so high that you can't count to it. If you had to. If you had to count 24 of something, you'd be like, nah. Okay.

[A]

Wasn't that Jeff Gordon's number?

[C]

Yes, A Rainbow. Rainbow Dupont car number 24. Jeff Gordon.

[A]

Also 2424.

[B]

2424 is Wade's phone number.

[A]

Okay. I wasn't gonna share that, but, yeah, you're right. I'm partial to the number three myself. Even though everyone's gonna be like, seven, it's actually number three for me.

[C]

Three? What are you, an Earnhardt fan? What's number three from?

[A]

I'm not a big NASCAR guy, but.

[C]

Just like the number three, I don't dislike the number. That's just a. I would never have picked that as, like, the best number for my own sensibilities.

[A]

Well, if I could rebrand, I'd be Wade 3. Or Wade Wade. Wade.

[C]

You should be Wad 3, where the 3 is an E, but no one gets that, so they think your Name.

[B]

Is Wad or Wad.Wad.Wad.3 does have, like, balance. It's this. I feel like there is balance to it. You know? Triangle. Strongest shape. You know, Olympic podium.

[A]

Gold. Silver. Bronze.

[B]

Bronze. Best metal. Three. Wait a minute.

[C]

It's number one.

[B]

Number one, baby.

[A]

Number one just gets gold. You know what's better than that? Platinum.

[C]

Just three. Get platinum. Or did I miss something or.

[B]

Actually, I don't think platinum. Platinum's now cheaper than gold.

[A]

I think gold's more expensive. Isn't gold relatively, like, easy to obtain compared to other things, though?

[B]

Don't matter. It's gold.

[A]

Okay, gold. What is the worst number?

[B]

You just had to ask that, didn't you?

[A]

You also. I should take everyone to points away for not saying 60. No one said 69 is the best number.

[C]

And we're having a serious discussion here. If you're looking for that kind of.

[A]

Humor, then I think we've established today that I'm a pervert and that 69 would, in fact, be a great number for me.

[C]

Oh, you are a pervert. That's true.

[A]

Thank you.

[C]

I forgot I have a candidate for the worst number. It's a lot of numbers. Any number over 13,000 is the worst number. And any. Any number you name, whatever next number you say, that's also over 13,000. That's just the next worst number. Whichever. It's. They're all the worst. They're all terrible.

[A]

Even, like, a million.

[B]

No, I know, I know. I know. I got it. Nine. Nine. Nine. Because I hate. And I've said this before, gas stations, when they do the. It's $3.19 nonsense. Cut it out. Round up or round down. Stop being a coward and go to 8 or 0.

[C]

I don't think it should be legal for prices to include denominations you cannot offer as payment. Like, I get that. Credit cards and digital transactions, you can do whatever you want, but there's nothing smaller than a penny if I can't pay it in cash. Don't. Fuck. Don't do it. Because if I'm paying you cash, you're clearly rounding that shit off anyway. You're not giving me 100th of a penny back when I get my change. It's bullshit.

[B]

And we're long overdue to eliminate the penny in general because it costs more than to produce than it's actually worth. So why even have it? No one does cash anymore. Really? I do cash. I have cash in my pocket right now.

[C]

Yeah, I have cash in my wallet right now, but this is more of personal preference. I feel like the US is a little behind the rest of the world in terms of how our currency is broken down. I really like in Europe and in Canada, I believe how there's like dollar and they're not dollars, but they have loonies and toonies in Canada or one or two euro coins in the eu. It's nice. You don't need paper that small. You don't need. Singles are for vending machines. I guess America's big on strippers, so you need single. I don't know. I don't know why it's gotta be paper. I like the coins. I feel like the coins is a.

[B]

Good direction with inflation. I doubt that, you know, strippers even want singles anymore.

[A]

But no, they get a better deal on couples.

[C]

Who gets a better deal? The stripper.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Less work, more money, more lap.

[A]

They're not confined to a tinier space.

[B]

Servers love a wide lap. You got. You got wide thighs. Oh, you know, all the strippers can be all over you.

[A]

Yeah. It's like having a bigger bedroom. It's like, do you really need it?

[B]

No.

[A]

But everyone wants a bigger bedroom, bigger lap, more space. You can do more dance.

[C]

I maintain my answer. I like. Mark's answer has a lot of strong points. My answer is just broadly correct. It's there no number over 13,000 has any use to a normal person. They all stink and they're too big. Can't understand it. Doesn't mean anything. Stinky, big, stinky numbers. All right, are you going to like, decide who's right or are we just going to do this and then you're.

[A]

Just going to be like, next, I'm marking points down. Don't worry.

[C]

But you're not going to. You're going to tell us right now. We're just going to.

[A]

No one has to be right. These are just opinions, man. You're not wrong for feeling that way.

[C]

I think it's pretty clear that one of us is more right than the other so far on everything we've talked about. But okay, that's fine.

[A]

Yeah. But I've got to let Mark participate, man.

[B]

Can I get runner up on worst number infinity? Because that shit's dumb. Anyone smart that's going. I'm like, you're actually stupid. You're secretly stupid, but you don't want anyone to.

[A]

My least favorite number is I. Oh, yeah.

[B]

Because it's imagine.

[A]

Well, I know.

[B]

Well, don't talk about Eye around Bob. He can't imagine it.

[C]

What do you mean? Imaginary numbers?

[B]

Come on.

[A]

Yeah, we're just being picture in your mind.

[C]

Listen, if I can't count it with my fingers, if I have eye apples. How many apples is that? Give me some apples.

[B]

All right, hold up your finger. Now, editors, invert my finger back into my hand and then square it.

[A]

Easy. Easy fix. I've always hated the imaginary number. I hate that. That drives me nuts.

[C]

That wasn't even what Mark said. He said infinity.

[A]

I know I said I. He said infinity.

[C]

Infinity. Infinity is stinky, though. I feel like that's impliedly included in mine suggestion. But it is like a different thing. And, and I agree.

[A]

What is the best awful smell?

[B]

Okay, all right. Well, I've said this many times before because it's very bad for you and many people don't like it. But the smell of cigarettes, I just.

[A]

Like, I like bad smell.

[B]

I like tobacco. I like the smell. And what's weird is I don't like going into like a humidor where it's like cigar room.

[C]

Oh, that's a whole other thing. Those are a lot.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like that. But just like, you know, just standard cigarettes.

[A]

Cigarettes are smelly. Like, I agree. Cigarettes have like a smell and I dislike it myself. But a cigar smoker coming in, like, whenever I worked retail, having someone who smokes cigars come in and smell like cigar was so much worse than cigarette smoke smell or weed smoke smell. Cigar people stink.

[B]

I didn't say it.

[A]

I did. Cigar smokers out there. Eureka. And it's bad.

[C]

A bold take. I was trying to think of something that's not kind of a copy of Mark's answer. But I, I have a similar thing. I guess my favorite awful smell is two stroke engine exhaust. Like, like the smell of like a go kart or like a lawnmower. It smells like I'm inhaling things that will kill me. But also, that's a very, something very nostalgic about that. That's very like love go karts and lawnmowers and things of my childhood. And it's associated with a lot of positive stuff.

[A]

All right, what is the worst bad smell?

[B]

All right, so you're cave diving, right? And you, you crawl into a crevasse like you do. You're trying to squeeze into the devil's anus. You know, you're really crawling in there. Your hair, your hose line's getting torn up. Your, your tank's getting cut to shreds, but you're squeezing through because, hell, yeah, it's a hole. You got to be in there. And you, you accidentally dislodge a rock that causes water to shoot out into an exposed, rusted sewer line. Your gas mask gets pulled off. There's enough air in there for you to have a minute or two of consciousness. And just the fetid ocean water. All the other dead bodies of divers who you had to move their bones out of the way to get into the devil's anus are amongst you. There remains sewage and then rust. And also there's a fracking was taking place nearby. So you got that.

[A]

We get horny at a place like, oh, fracking.

[C]

Sorry, Not. I'm not here to yuck people's yum. Do it if you want, but you have to be some special kind of absolute psychopath to go caving on purpose. Oh, my God. I've watched, like, some of the documentaries about, like, the guy who got stuck upside down, wedged in the. And they just. He just died in there because they couldn't get him out. And they were just like, well, see, seal that one, steal that one up. Let's just leave him. Seal that one. And that's his cave now. But like, holy crap. All the. And there's like videos of a guy being like, okay, I need to breathe out a little bit more. And then I think I can shimmy through. Yeah, I'm fitting. I'm fitness. Like, just watching those videos, I'm like, ah, fuck. Why would you do that on purpose? God damn.

[B]

So many videos that are like, oh, this guy got trapped and died a horrible death. And I'm like, oh, I've watched this one and I click it. It's a different guy in a different cave every single time I. A new. Another video that I'm like, I must be the same story, right? Not different guy.

[C]

And it's. Look, it's exploration and it's fine. That's people. People get excited about that and do what you want. But, like, man, of all the types of exploring shit you could do, that has got to be just the most terrifyingly claustrophobic one. Like, I wouldn't really want to go in a submarine way down in the ocean or climb to, you know, Mount Everest or whatever else. Those sound kind of hard, actually really hard and kind of scary. But the caving thing sounds like fucking. It sounds like a thing you do to torture a person. Like, you get. You get captured and the enemy prison camp, they're like, all right, your only job is to climb down into this cave and then climb back out every day. And you do that till you tell us everything you know, and we'll let you leave or something. It would work. I wouldn't even climb in once. I'd give up. I'd betray my whole everyone I ever knew just to not have to do that.

[B]

It's just a long, prolonged death because you're, you know, people starve to death. You know, people, you know, you know, pain, injuries, whatever. But it's also, you have to deal with that. And you're trapped and can't move, and you're upside down and the walls are closing in around you and. And also everyone but you hear voices behind you. Being like, we can't help them. What do we tell them?

[C]

I don't know. Let's give them the false hope, I.

[B]

Guess, because it echoes so hard from the cave entrance.

[C]

I. Yeah, no, I mean, people. People get their adrenaline rush in whatever way they get it, I guess, can't be help. I've clicked on those videos that you watch too, where it's like the story. And I always imagine it's like, oh, well, he must have realized there was some, like, a gold deposit or something. He's like, nah, he just thought maybe this cave might connect over to this other cave that was also on this, you know, like a mile away, there's a different cave. And he was like, well, if they connect, so then they'd be connected and we would know about that.

[B]

Yeah, gotta know about that.

[A]

Well, now that I'm all itchy and anxious, everyone tough.

[B]

Hey, you asked. You asked about the worst smell.

[A]

Man smells.

[C]

My. My worst smell is James's poopy diapy. And not because the smell particularly is that bad, but it. Because it comes with the realization that now I gotta go change that. And it's always like, and he has had some real rippers. That man makes some stinky poop sometimes, but it's. Even when it's not so stinky, you have that moment where you're like, let me look. Oh, poopy. Oh, poopy. Okay, let's go upstairs.

[A]

I will say I remember as a kid when my younger brother was still in diapers, I walked in the restroom while my parents were changing his diaper. And I have never forgotten how horrible that smell was. Like it was. One of my biggest regrets as an older brother was being in the vicinity of a diaper change.

[C]

It could be pretty, pretty spicy.

[A]

That singular moment might be why I'm not a parent right now is the memory of that diaper. Diaper.

[C]

There's a lot of other parts to it, I'm not gonna lie, but that is A part of it.

[A]

Yeah. The Velcro, the butt. Yeah, I got you the what? Oh, diaper.

[C]

No, There's a lot to. Being a parent. There's a lot of other parts, too, but poopy diapers is part of it. I can't lie.

[A]

Yeah. I was also kind of like an exorcist baby who, like, projectile vomited everywhere.

[C]

That's tough. I have known other had friends who have had babies who had that, and I'm really glad James didn't do that because that's. There's not much you could do about. It just happens. Yeah.

[A]

I think my head spun around a full 360, and I just spewed like a. Like a sprinkler.

[B]

I actually have not seen the Exorcist.

[A]

You should. You should see it.

[C]

Oh, yeah. As a. As a movie guy and a horror guy, it feels like one I probably enjoy.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you'd think, but just. Who has time?

[C]

I guess not you.

[A]

What is the best activity you've tried? Activity, activity, sport. It kind of generic. Just something you've tried that, like, maybe you Isn't like a typical. Everyone's done it. Just something you've done that you've been like, oh, that's the best thing I've done.

[B]

Sex is pretty cool.

[A]

Tell me twice.

[B]

That's not my answer. That's not my answer.

[C]

You want to try a new activity? Found out about this cool activity.

[A]

Just like a weird. Like a hobby, a sport. Like anything that you've just tried that maybe, like, I don't know. That was the best thing. You were like, oh, man, I'm really glad I did that.

[C]

I have one that's really not that weird. But it's weird to me because I don't come from. I'm not. This is not a thing I'm as familiar with. And I've talked about it. I think on this show before I went trap shooting, a friend's birthday party happened, and we went out and went trap shooting. And I didn't grow up around guns, and I don't have any guns, and I don't have a super negative opinion, but I kind of fear them from a distance. Just in the thing of, like, I don't want that in my house because that could be dangerous, and you have to be very careful and safe.

[A]

But getting to go with Admiral Ackbar has got to be really cool. It's trap shooting.

[C]

I was trying to decide if that was funny. I don't like it.

[A]

It's a trap.

[C]

Yeah. No, I got It. I got it. It was fun. It was surprisingly fun. And I think both, because it wasn't as hard on my shoulder as I thought it was going to be. Definitely get sore, but it's not like, I didn't have like a huge, ridiculous bruise or anything too bad. And it was. You could like. I didn't hit every shot, but I hit some shots. And when like, thing gets launched and it's going and you're like, yeah. And you get it. It's very satisfying. It's very rewarding. And it's like, it's not so hard that you. You can't hit a single one the first time you go out. You could hit some and like there were a couple stations where there were two or three that they would fire from different locations. And I hit like all three of them in sequence and it was like, oh, that's nice. That was sick. Cool. It was surprisingly fun and I'd never done it before. It was very fun. I didn't think I was going to enjoy it that much.

[B]

I think that's one of the few, like, shooting activities that can be like, reliably fun. Because with target practice, it's just like you're basically doing work. You know, there's some fun to it. But I mean, those who go like once a week, well, several times a week, not only do they have lead poisoning, but they. They also just. They're just practicing for the. The coming apocalypse that might, well, maybe. Who knows what the next few years are going to look like, but they're practicing for some there. But with that, it's more like a game, it's actual game. And it's like, I'm not really a hunter, so anytime I don't. I don't like the idea of going shooting a coyote. Just like, it doesn't feel right. They're just. There's hungry dogs out there. Deer kill them all. I think that they.

[C]

What a deer do to you.

[B]

You haven't heard about the prions? The prions in deer. That problem Destroy. Wipe them out, Annihilate them.

[A]

Aren't those the enemy in Starfield? Stardust Star.

[C]

Are you thinking of Protoss from Starcraft?

[A]

That's the one.

[C]

They're not the enemies. I mean, it depends on your perspective, but whatever.

[B]

I don't think it's an uncommon perspective to be like, yeah, dear, we need to control that problem. That's real bad. I think that from gun owners to. I actually there was a podcast I was listening to where there's like, you know, there's some people that have guns and there's one person that's like very anti, like really progressive, but it was very much like give every American a gun and tell them to kill one deer. They gotta be gone. We gotta not extinct, but just, you know, really, really gotta control that down a bit. I'm echoing that sentiment, but also I don't think I could go hunting. I'm fine with the idea of if it was a survival situation and I had to eat, but makes me sad.

[A]

So what's the best activity for you then?

[C]

Killing deer.

[B]

Killing deer?

[A]

Sex. I can't go hunting. But killing deer, that's different.

[C]

It's different.

[B]

There's not hunting. That's Cullen. Like Edward Cullen. Yeah.

[A]

I was Team Jacob. I was about to make that joke and you beat me to it by half. Now I know what it feels like to be you guys typically just laughing and laughing.

[B]

Laughing right way. Just laughing.

[A]

Better to laugh than to cry.

[B]

Best activity, good cry. I'll put that down. Stealing that now.

[C]

You know what? I agree with that. You know what? I'm. I don't, I don't handle well. I learned this morning I had to take Lexi in for a follow up appointment. She's doing fine, but they just like change a bandage and look at some stuff. She's getting treatment at a pet hospital which has an emergency thing and it's very unfortunate and I don't at all blame these people, but this morning I was the only one who was there for like a normal scheduled doctor visit and it was busy and there were some like frantically upset people and I am a sympathetic crier and I did not do very well trying to stand in a waiting. There was like one woman who was there by herself because she brought her dog in because it had seemingly had a seizure or something neurological. It was very bad. She was like filling out paperwork, weeping, which I get because I would be too. Then there was a family whose dog was like getting treatment who was not, not doing well. It seemed like the dog maybe was terminal or it was not going well. And they like brought them back to see the dog and then came back out and they were all just like weeping like super. And there were some other dogs or whatever animals who were there and the owners were all like, it was for all for emergencies and everyone was super upset. And I was like, I'm just here to get my, my dog's fine, we're fine. She's just getting looked at. But like I, I couldn't, I can't handle that shit. In public. That's a. That's a specific type of setting that I'm not in very much. It was. I didn't like it.

[B]

I was.

[C]

It was hard. And not because it was sad, but just because it made me cry for no apparent reason, which made me deeply uncomfortable because I'm staying there with my relatively healthy pet and she's like licking me and being like, what are we doing, dad? And everyone else is like, please, please save my baby. Please help us. It just felt weird. I didn't care for it. Not in any judgmental way. I'm sorry for those people, but.

[B]

But in good activities, you ever go to a good stand up show?

[C]

Even not so good stand up is pretty fun. You're definitely right on that one.

[A]

I like the improv shows we went to back when we were watching improv. Those were fun.

[C]

Those were fun. Those were good.

[A]

I've never forgotten. I don't know if you guys remember the specific skit where there was like the guy on a plane who just kept screaming in agony and looking at his knees.

[C]

Not specifically.

[A]

They were like sitting down. And the guy was just like, too.

[C]

Relatable for Wade, but he just like.

[A]

That was part of his thing. Was like, he would just like look at his knees and just like let out an ear piercing scream. Was part of his like, thing. It was one where they would like, they would run and like turn the page to like the next.

[C]

Yeah, it was a herald, right? It was. That was mainly what we saw was we saw a few heralds, but they.

[A]

They circled back to that character two or three times. But every time, like he was like walking around, then he would just like, stop, like almost Jim Carrey, like, and scream in like agony. I don't remember that dude lives rent free in my head. Wow.

[B]

I don't know that at all. Sounds hilarious.

[A]

But it was just so unexpected because everyone's like, doing their characters. This guy's just like playing an old dude who's just an excruciating pain with every movement he makes.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

Anyway, worst activity.

[C]

All right.

[B]

So bad activity. I don't like the idea of going skydiving. Never going to do it if I can help it. There is apparently a known skydiving place where people die. And I, I think it's in California somewhere. But it has a reputation because someone just recently died on that same airline. And a lot of people in the Reddit comps are just like, I already know which. Which, not airline, but which skydiving company they're talking about. And sure Enough. It was that same one. Just I don't know what's going on with that one. I don't know the name of it. I'm not trying to protect them or anything. Like, I'm not gonna say who they are. And like, I would probably prefer to warn people about it.

[A]

But it's one of those that you sign up and you think you know the package you're getting, but actually you have to individually say, like, I want a parachute or I want this. Like, they nickel and dime you for individual pieces.

[C]

It's the Ryanair of skydiving companies.

[A]

It's like, we guaranteed you a seat. We didn't say that your seat would have an armrest. We didn't say it would have a back to it reserve chute.

[B]

You made a money.

[A]

So, okay, what's the worst one you've tried the worst thing you've done that you were like. Because you've done some weird stuff. You've tried like, intermittent sleeping. You've tried, like, weird diets and things. Just anything.

[B]

Tried some weird stuff, which he looks.

[A]

Like so accusing you like that accusatory, like, what are you saying about me?

[B]

Tried some weird stuff. You have, man.

[A]

You went to a parkouring group in college and just jumped off a building.

[B]

Well, I don't want to do that.

[C]

I don't know if I have anything I've actually done that I would consider the worst. I don't do those things. If I think something would probably be the worst, I probably didn't do it.

[A]

But what is the worst one you've done? Like, what is one of you. It doesn't have to be like, necessarily a bad thing to do, just something you didn't enjoy.

[C]

Parades, man. Have I never been to a parade of any kind where at any point I was like, I'm glad we came. This is fun. I love that every parade I go to inevitably leads to me getting, like way overstimulated or literally sitting there on this, on the parade route, just being like, holy, that's the loudest ambulance I've ever seen.

[B]

I have earplugs with me at all times so that I can add. Anything's loud. They're. They're like. There's tons of brands on Amazon that sell these little kits. They clip right onto your key ring. They're like 20 bucks and they're. They work. So they cut it down just enough that you can still hear, but it just, it reduces everything down a bit. It's great.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, if I ever do, I'm Sure. I'll go to a parade again at some point because we have a kid and, you know, he might like it. I doubt it, because he's our son. And I don't think Mandy and I are very big parade people. But earplugs will be in order because. Oh, my God.

[B]

I would say probably something similar is like, I've. I've been to concert, and they're fine. You know, I'm not typically, like, a big music guy, but I have gone to. You know, I do like music, and I've been to concerts. I went to a concert where they had a pit, and it was just. It wasn't like, you know, the kind of mosh pit where people are trying to hurt each other by throwing elbows like.

[C]

Like that.

[B]

But it was enough that I was just like, I. In no way would I ever, ever enjoy this experience where it's, like, crammed in there. You're being jostled around. I don't know this band. I don't know the music. I don't know what's going on. I hate everything. I can't even get out. I'm trapped.

[C]

There was a point in my life where I. I liked, like, new metal, and I liked metal growing up, and I. There was a point where I went to concerts with friends, and I was like, yeah, cool. And I never actually went in a mosh pit because that sounded really stupid to me. But as. As a. Now looking back on that, I find it so confusing why people like mosh pits. I guess it's just exciting. But I feel like the best case scenario is you're like, yeah, I went into the mosh pit. This guy jumped and flipped in the air and kneed me in the face and broke my orbital bone. It was awesome. It's like, what you. But you. You didn't even, like, hit him back. It's not like you got in a fight. He just did that. And you were like, yeah. And then you hit somebody else, probably with your. What? It's confusing.

[A]

So, wait, is the pit your answer, Mark? Is that the worst thing you've tried?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Because, I mean, a lot of the activities I've done, you know, even if they were hard, even if it's uncomfortable, I'm like, okay, I'm fine. That was just unpleasant. And that is actually an activity that people do regularly, so I don't get that one.

[A]

Yeah. Like, every concert, there's usually, like, a Ed Sheeran concert.

[C]

Crazy pits at Ed Sheeran concerts. When he starts rapping, they go nuts in the pit man.

[A]

Classical orchestra pits. You gotta love it.

[B]

Henry's barking and Amy's not home right now. There might be someone at the door. Can I go a step away?

[A]

Yes, you may.

[C]

Some other guy just walks in the door.

[A]

I mean, I could. He could. I guess I could still give him points, whoever it is. Hey, Mr. Holman Shooter. You want to join us? You want to play a game?

[C]

Would that mean that Mark would win the episode or would the random other person win?

[A]

I want to give them their own score sheet.

[C]

Okay, that's. That's a. That's risky.

[A]

Well, I mean, if we gotta replace him, might as well do it with the dude who's got the same background. You know, easier for the editors.

[B]

It was nothing. It was nothing. He was lying to me.

[A]

I've never heard a dog bark at nothing before. That's crazy. You know, at one point. To Henry for comedy. This episode is brought to you by Vitamin Water. Living in a big city like Cincinnati has challenges.

[B]

That's so big, man.

[A]

Louisiana's big. Like Cincinnati.

[B]

Thankfully, Vitamin Water's new zero sugar flavors like rehydrate pineapple Passion fruit squeezed lemonade, and Triple X Acai Blueberry Pomegranate are packed with essential vitamins for when you're traveling across that big city.

[A]

So whatever the reason, grab a Vitamin water today.

[B]

Copyright 2025 Glass. So Vitamin Water is a registered trademark of Glass. So this episode is brought to you by FXX and Hulu. Futurama returns on September 15th.

[C]

I love this show. It's a great show. I'm excited for another season.

[B]

Anyway, the Planet Express crew is back, defying gravity and common sense from the creator of The Simpsons. Come 10 new episodes where the romance is hotter, the threats are bigger, and the action is hard.

[C]

Don't miss the all new season of Futurama. Returning September 15th at 8pm Watch it on FXX or stream it on Hulu.

[A]

But we can wind out. We've got through a couple. Not as many as I.

[C]

No, more. More. More, More, more.

[B]

Speed round.

[C]

More, more.

[A]

How long you want this episode to be? All right, we'll do one more. What is the best conspiracy theory?

[B]

We've talked about conspiracy theories a few times. I can't think of a single one right now. Oh, the coincidences of. If you take the map of missing people and caves, is that a true thing? Yeah, if you overlay the. The map, like, national map of like. I'm not sure how true it is. Of course it's conspiracy theory. So the maps might have been fabricated but from what I saw, you see a map of like, this is the density of missing people. And then you pull up a map of like, caves, and it's like.

[C]

And it makes sense on its surface.

[B]

Like, yeah, people go caving. You hear about like, you know, like devil's ass crack jumping face first into that. But also it could be Bigfoot, lizard people.

[C]

I don't know if this is a conspiracy, but I guess this popped into my head. You guys can tell me if this is the idea of sovereign citizenship. Is that a conspiracy or is that more like an ideology? Do you guys. You guys know what sovereign citizens are?

[A]

I think so.

[C]

They're like, they're people who claim that they are sovereign unto themselves. They do not recognize that, like, if they live inside the US they don't recognize the sovereignty of the United States. And they'll do shit like put a license plate on their car. Their car will be unregistered, but they'll have a license plate that just says sovereign citizen. Like, I registered this with myself, and it just a fake license plate they bought online type of shit.

[A]

They are basically conspiracy theorists that, like, the conspiracy is their own life.

[C]

And this is kind of cruel, but they bring it on themselves. So I feel like it's okay to laugh. Videos of sovereign citizens representing themselves in court, especially for minor things like traffic tickets or like civil disputes or whatever, are always so fucking funny because they're like a person representing themselves in court in general can be. It's funny, but like, it's kind of sad because, like, they're, you know, they're probably not protecting their personal rights as much as they could if they had a real representation, but maybe they know what they're doing. That's not likely, but maybe. But sovereign citizens will just be the most smug, like, arrogant, full of it. They'll be in court and be like, your honor, since I don't recognize the jurisdiction of the state of Maine or of the country of the United States, I move that this be dismissed. And the judge will just look at them be like this. This is fucking traffic court. There's no. You don't make motions. There's no evidence. This is not a trial. You drove your car 58 miles an hour in a 35 mile an hour zone. Do you have evidence that that is not true? And they're like, no, no, I did that, but in the laws of me, that's legal. And. And it's just. The judges just don't give a fuck because it doesn't happen that often. I would Imagine for any individual judge, but when it comes up, it's just always so funny. And not because often the person will ultimately still be punished or fined or whatever. That sucks. And hopefully they deserve whatever happens. And it's not like unjust or un. Oh, I almost said the word, but I didn't. Unjust or unfair. But it's just watching judges just tell them to shut the hell up and that they, they are idiots is always funny to me.

[A]

I feel like sovereign citizens are the definition of that guy. They're like the person that you're. They're the relative you avoid at your get togethers. They're the person that like everyone's like fucking hate that that person exists.

[B]

It is crazy because if you wanted to live alone and off grid and you know, out in the middle of nowhere, technically you kind of can to some extent. Because public land and whatnot.

[C]

I mean, yeah, there are definitely in America as much as in a lot of the world or more. And then in a lot of the world you could totally disappear. You could live off grid at place where no one could really do anything to you.

[B]

Oh man, the United States is so huge and so not dense.

[A]

Yeah, there's all the Dakotas, but for.

[C]

Some reason sovereign citizens like to live in the suburbs and drive their car to get Wendy's and like on public roads.

[A]

It's almost like they want all the privileges of being a citizen without any of the consequences.

[C]

Yeah, it's funny how that works.

[B]

All you said all the Dakotas. How many Dakotas are there?

[A]

Two that we are aware of. But there's two more that are sovereign.

[B]

West and east. Or is this some other Cardinals?

[C]

Well, west and southwest, North, North, North, North, north, north and South Dakota.

[B]

Can we just make Canada north or Dakota?

[C]

I feel like that idea was floated and I heard they're not into it. Yeah, like, right. It's hard to imagine why you wouldn't want to give up your national sovereignty to another nation for no apparent reason and become a state. But I heard they're not into it. That's my impression.

[A]

No, they're going to be called the.

[C]

USA just because this came up previously. And I don't want to have another misunderstanding. For everyone on the subreddit and in general online who did not like when we made a joke about Canada booing the national anthem in hockey games and stuff. We fucking know why that happened. And I think I can speak for all three of us when we say we generally agree with you, just to be super clear about it. Did you guys See that? There were people online who were like, how could they not know? How ignorant could they be?

[A]

We need some sarcasm signs.

[C]

And I. And if you were sincerely, like, sad, because I understand a lot of Canadians are upset, angry, generally unsettled about what's happening between our country and yours right now. We didn't mean to make you upset, but also, it was a fucking joke. We know. We heard about that. God damn.

[A]

We also hate us.

[C]

Nobody hates us more than we.

[B]

I don't hate us. I love us. My heart goes out to us.

[A]

All right, what's the worst conspiracy theory?

[C]

Flat Earth.

[B]

It's just stupid.

[C]

Oh, those are so funny, though.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Did you see. Did you see the big thing? They went to what? They went to Antarctica and did a bunch of experiments, and every experiment confirmed that the Earth was round. And the guy was like, well, I'm gonna find some more experiments, I guess, because I know it's flat.

[B]

It's just like, the alternative requires so many more leaps of logic and different fundamental physics than anything other out there. You have to completely change the entire parameters of reality and how things work for it to be flat.

[C]

It's. It's just.

[B]

It's just so dumb. It has to be. It has to be a bit that's gone on for too long. It has to be.

[C]

It does feel like that. Like, it's hard to imagine someone sincerely and earnestly believing all that stuff at this point.

[A]

But do you think there's, like, a flat Earth club where they get together? They're like, dude, they still think we think the Earth's flat. We still got them.

[C]

I fucking hope so. I hope they're pulling a huge one over on all of us, because if not. And they actually believe all that stuff, actually, that would explain a lot of what goes on in the world today.

[A]

Stupidity is a real big currency right now that people are making transactions with.

[C]

You mean people who haven't been brainwashed? What's my worst conspiracy?

[A]

Yeah, Worst conspiracy theory.

[C]

That was a really good one. I don't even know if I have one that competes with that. That's. That's the one. That would be my pick, too. Honestly, I think that I was about to get to arrive at that before Mark said it out loud.

[B]

It's just dumb. It's just dumb.

[C]

It is still funny, but in a much more depressing way.

[A]

It's like sovereign citizens. It's funny from a distance. It's sad when it's up close and you're seeing it for real.

[C]

Ah, but sovereign citizens isn't that sad up close. Like, you might feel empathetically bad for the person, but they're doing it to themselves.

[A]

No, no, I don't feel bad for them. I feel bad people have to deal with them.

[C]

Ah.

[A]

It'S like getting a thorn in your foot. It's like. There's nothing pleasant about it. It's like thorns. They exist. But God damn, do I fucking hate them. Sovereign citizens are fine. You're allowed to exist. You're watching if you're great.

[C]

Philosophically, I guess. But it's still. It's not.

[B]

I get it. Where everyone's like, I didn't choose to be born in a society. And you go, yeah, I get that. But you wouldn't ever have been born if the society wasn't here. And also, phones are pretty cool. The Internet's nice. I like 3D printing.

[C]

That alone is a basis for society.

[A]

That's the episode we gotta do. Wheels. I have to add something, don't I?

[B]

Yeah, you.

[C]

Yeah, that's part of it.

[A]

Most sympathetic for the day or episode.

[B]

Like we were sympathetic to others or we deserve sympathy.

[A]

I think Bob dealing with the stuff with Lexi and the vet probably would get it today, so I guess it's biased toward him.

[C]

Why?

[B]

What about me? Well, I gotta deal with you two guys all day.

[A]

You got a whole bunch of free stuff from Prussia or whatever.

[B]

Prusa.

[A]

Sorry. Prusa. My bad.

[C]

You have to do the. You have to do the D3 thing, and then we'll know how many spins. How many spins we got?

[A]

3.

[C]

Oh, boy. It's party time out here. Is that one of them?

[A]

Bob, eat something.

[C]

Yeah. No.

[A]

We're gonna cheat. Might as well go all in.

[C]

I'm eating a Jolly Rancher while I spin the first spin. Oh, blue and purple are pretty close, right?

[A]

Probably closer than black and white or red and black.

[B]

That's a really funny choice, by the way.

[C]

I don't remember that one getting out of. I think I came up with that because you were wearing the one tan shirt that you owned, and you. And I was like. You blend in. Spin number two. No, no. Boy. Four listeners. All right. That's going to go straight to their.

[B]

Heads because they can only imagine it.

[C]

And spin number three, please end in a tie for Wade. Please end in a tie.

[A]

It's possible.

[C]

Keep going. I mean, it's. Is it between Mark and I who's the baldest? Or is it.

[A]

It's supposed to be.

[C]

I have. I'm receding. You can see I have a little. I have a little it's receding.

[A]

Do we just re spin this one? Look at this.

[B]

It's like if you pull it apart, it's really bald.

[C]

If I go like this, it looks like I'm just all the way bald.

[B]

I have really. I have the Vegeta hairline, remember?

[A]

Dude, if you could come in here with your hair up like Vegeta's.

[C]

My hairline goes as far back as my ears are over here. It's. It's climbing.

[B]

If I. Wait, if I lean back like this.

[C]

Do you. You have so much hair, you can't even do it.

[B]

I have a. I have a large crown. See?

[A]

If we're doing this, I think Bob has more forehead exposed. What's the. What's your thing, Mark? Mark, you're all. What is it? Mid face. Bob's all forehead. I'm sorry.

[C]

Wait. Just try and negotiate the point so that he doesn't do the one minute show.

[A]

So honestly. Well, the funny thing is right now you guys are tied. So if either one of you get this point.

[C]

Yeah, so you're just trying to make it so you don't get the point for baldist.

[A]

No, I can take the point. I just said between you two and we should re spin. But if it lands on like listeners or viewers. You want to take the point for baldist, I'll take the point.

[C]

Nah, nah, you're the host. Don't let me talk you into it.

[A]

I'm the baldest. You know what? You. I'm the baldest. We will do the tie spin.

[C]

That's unfair.

[B]

If I win, I'm bald.

[C]

Oh, wait. So if Mark wins, he's bald. If Mark loses, all heads, Mark is bald. All tails, Bob is bald. No. Well, the. It would be doubly unfair, which would mean Wade would get two points.

[A]

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, I guess between me and him.

[C]

Wade has to do two one man shows.

[A]

I don't think that's how we're doing this. Heads for Mark. Anything else? Doesn't really matter. Fell on the floor.

[B]

Do I do that again?

[C]

Yeah, I would. Reflip. I would say that's a reflip for Mark. You've better flip carefully though, because mine was tails.

[B]

It landed tails on the floor. I'm not lying about that.

[A]

That's what it.

[C]

I mean, it's pretty immature. Again, you. It doesn't. I don't think it changes it either way, does it?

[A]

That would give me two points.

[C]

Is that enough to affect the outcome?

[A]

Wade, no.

[B]

Tails.

[A]

All right, well, you know what? At least I beat the listeners that's true.

[C]

Listeners got a point. Just so they could come in fourth place out of three.

[A]

I'm giving Henry two bonus points that Henry also beats.

[B]

That's fair. That makes it all worth it.

[C]

That means we still have to do the one man show wheel, though, doesn't it? And so I have to turn it up to 8%.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I gotta be better about declaring the parameters of the unfair. I should have asked for a point or something, not just being bald. If I'd have won that, would I have had to shave my head?

[A]

Unclear, because you didn't win, but retroactively, I like to say yes.

[B]

Okay, all right, fair enough.

[A]

If you want to be the baldist, you got to beat the baldist.

[C]

We have. We have a thing. We have the. It's at 8% for the one man show. That's looking really big.

[A]

It. I don't like how big it's looking.

[B]

It looks pretty girthy. You're looking pretty girthy today.

[A]

Before you spin it, should I go over the reason you guys have points just to get that out of the way so we don't retroactively do it?

[B]

Yeah, I guess.

[C]

Sure, sure.

[A]

Mark, you got points for flat earth and caves and missing people. Prus.

[C]

Prusi.

[B]

Oh, come on, Prusa.

[A]

Yeah. Devil's anus. Sigs. Sewage corpse. Water. Sex. Kill the deer. Good cry. Concert pit. Skydivers. Bob, you got points for wood. Lexi, Looks like it says blood. I don't think it says blood. I don't know what it says. Go kart. Smoke parades. Cave diving, psychopaths. Poo diapers. Probably doesn't say tramp stamp. Tramp. Minority. Tramp. Sensitivity. Trap. Trap.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Something. Sovereign citizens Bad. Cry Wheat. My pen's dying. So, like, it keeps fading out on these words.

[C]

We need to get you a typewriter or something.

[A]

I'm gonna need one. Henry got three points. Listeners got a point. I got two points. Wow, you guys are tied at 12.

[C]

Listeners came in fifth out of three.

[B]

That's getting close to the worst number.

[A]

Let's see the winner.

[C]

The winner will be all of us if. Wait. Oh, no.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

Oh, wait. Oh, no.

[A]

Come on.

[C]

Oh, come on.

[B]

I mean, yay.

[A]

But.

[C]

Oh, man, that would have been so funny.

[B]

I'm happy. But also, it was right there.

[A]

Huh? All right, Mark, congrats. Winner speech.

[B]

I'd like to thank Prusa Printers, who probably gave me the confidence to inspire this win.

[A]

Go to Prusa.

[B]

No, I'm not. I'm not sponsored by them. Don't believe anything I Say I haven't tried them out yet except the one. So no thank you to them. Except maybe thank you to them. No thank you to my opponent. Not because I'm being mean. Not because I'm being mean. It's not because I'm being mean. I'm not a mean guy. I'm a nice guy and I won. And those things are very good for me and everybody. I like winning and people like winners. I like me, but my opponent, very mean. Very mean guy. Very mean, mean, very mean guy. Not like me. A nice guy, smart, too.

[C]

Zoned out. What are we talking about?

[A]

You're doing a loser speech.

[C]

I don't really feel like a loser because we made it all the way to the accidental tie wheel. When I lost 26 coin flips in a row. I never thought I'd be in favor of wheel spins and coin flips and all this. I like it now. I've told him more to total 180. I'm glad this is the way that our show is now. I hope it never changes, but I'm. I'm sure it will because probably just forget at some point and stop doing it. But that's okay because that's who we are as people. What was I talking about?

[A]

Well, you both completely dominated me, who only had two points. It was 13 to 12 to 3 to 2 to 1. Watchers didn't make the scoreboard this time. But that's okay. At least you didn't join join the scoreboard and lose as badly as the listeners did. Stay tuned for the next one where Mark will host because he won. I will not be doing a one man show by the skin of my teeth. Which is a terrible saying, but one that I've heard and use. Mer one day maybe answer your emails.

[B]

You gotta answer your emails.

[A]

Never see merch. Then we'll never see it. Sorry everyone, that's my bad. But I won't be changing. You can find Mark Markiplier Bob and Mesb me at minion 777 or Lord minion 777 until the next one podcast out. This episode is brought to you by Welch's Fusions. The newest drop from Welch's Fruit snacks. We've got to warn you about the consequences of eating Welch's Fusions. It's like three dudes hanging out on a rooftop talking about the future.

[B]

Three dudes hanging out on a rooftop installed installing solar panels to provide a sustainable future.

[C]

Three dudes on a roof installing solar panels so that they can power their computers. And record their brilliant idea for a podcast.

[B]

Pretty awesome consequences if you ask me. New Welch's Fusions are so good. Each one is a combination of two fruity flavors in one juicy bite. One flavor on the outside, another on the inside.

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It's an odd, unbelievable taste sensation, so they are recommended for experienced taste buds only. You've been warned. New Welch's Fusions Please use responsibly.

[C]

Your.

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Whose spirit is unyielding, unconstrained.

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