The Perfectest Crime

Summary

Distractible – "The Perfectest Crime" (July 20, 2026)

Hosts: Mark Fischbach (Markiplier), Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens
Summary by: [Your Expert Podcast Summarizer]

---

Episode Overview

In "The Perfectest Crime," Markiplier unveils a long-anticipated experimental format: the ultimate hypothetical whodunit. The episode becomes a chaotic, brain-melting improv detective game, where Mark acts as the orchestrator of clues and Bob and Wade play rival sleuths. Listeners witness the friends spiral into increasingly convoluted and absurd theories, all in pursuit of reconstructing “the perfect crime” using a series of bizarre, random clues. The result is part murder mystery, part improv comedy, and part mental workout—and fully Distractible.

---

Table of Contents

1. The Rules & Setup (01:14–10:00)
2. First Rounds: Setting the Scene, Early Clues (10:00–23:00)
3. Blacklight Mode and Wild Clue Chains (24:00–38:00)
4. The Crime Builds: Shrink Rays and Fart Chairs (39:00–55:24)
5. Climactic Rounds and Final Theories (55:24–62:52)
6. Endgame: The True Perfect Crime and Debrief (62:52–71:21)
7. Notable Quotes & Highlights
8. Key Timestamps for Major Segments

---

<a name="setup"></a>

1. The Rules & Setup (01:14–10:00)

• Mark introduces the game: Bob and Wade are rivals trapped in a room by a mysterious, "perfect" criminal, tasked with deducing the nature of the crime and the connected clues through a turn-based game.
• Rules:
  • Each turn: choose a direction (N/E/S/W) to search for a clue.
  • Each new theory must incorporate all clues from previous rounds and end with the phrase:
    “Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.”
  • Some clues may be true, some false—discernment is key.
  • Points for completeness, cleverness, and the ritual ending phrase.
  • A time limit is eventually imposed to increase difficulty.
• Mark, dramatically:
  “You’re both trying to beat the other guy, right? You want to be better… The only rule is you have to end your rant with: Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.” [08:38]

---

<a name="early-clues"></a>

2. First Rounds: Setting the Scene, Early Clues (10:00–23:00)

Initial clues:

• Bob: In the kitchen freezer, finds a plastic-wrapped bundle of cash.

  • “The criminal stole this cash—don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.” [11:31]

• Wade: In the science area wardrobe, finds a dirty used shovel.

• Bob: In the fridge, finds a blue, gem-encrusted crown with fur lining.

  • Bob spins a story of an ambassador, safe-cracking, and leverage.

• Wade: In the other wardrobe door, finds a battered crowbar.

  • Wade ties in royal intrigue:
    “The crowbar used to break into the building was also used to dispatch our poor ambassador… cold, hard cash… Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.” [16:14]

• Mark interjects:
  “I’m giving a point for every time you end it with ‘Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime’… and I would deduct a point if you've missed any of the clues.” [22:56]

---

<a name="blacklight"></a>

3. Blacklight Mode and Wild Clue Chains (24:00–38:00)

• Lights out, blacklight activates: Hidden messages and glowing stains reveal themselves on clues, walls, and on Bob and Wade’s bodies (hands/mouth).
• Meta-narrative grows:
  • Glowing clues suggest both detectives are unwittingly involved, or victims of pranks by the criminal.
  • “Blacklight reveals bodily fluids. Wade must have been touching himself—but then I realized, that’s not what we’re doing here…” —Bob [26:45]
• Complex theories intertwine: Poison, disguises, murder at a White House gala, kingly crowns, and perverse joke clues all meld into increasingly tangled stories as more clues force the detectives to revise and complicate the perfect crime.

---

<a name="crime-builds"></a>

4. The Crime Builds: Shrink Rays and Fart Chairs (39:00–55:24)

• Unreal clues emerge:

  • Shrink Ray and Growth Ray in the Resolute Desk.

    • Hosts improvise wild uses: miniature bodies, shrunken money, restoring the loot post-heist.
    • Wade, after shrinking himself:
      “Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinters so they hurt less?” [45:24]

  • Glowing hands and mouth: Theories range from red herrings to evidence of “perversion,” linked to the farted-in “Resolute Chair.”

  • The central body is finally discovered under the lights in a game of following progressive blacklight clues.

• Absurd narrative escalation:

  • Culprit as George W. Bush, positing the crime as multi-layered political sabotage involving murder, money laundering, misleading evidence, and burned clues.
  • “Former President George W. Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted a blue crown on the Resolute chair…” —Wade [45:42]

• Meta-reflections:

  • Bob: “Why is that so hard to do? Fucking hell.” [49:13]
  • Wade: “It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.” [46:36]

---

<a name="climax"></a>

5. Climactic Rounds and Final Theories (55:24–62:52)

• Remaining clues uncovered:

  • Name tags (Bob & Wade), an expensive watch (engraved B.M.M.), a green sultan’s cap, and a pan containing a burnt “burner phone.”

• Last deductions:

  • Each host races to weave all 14+ clues into a single, semi-coherent theory tying in everything from political conspiracies and shrunk bodies to red herrings (“glowing” hands and faces), bizarre role-play elements, and the destruction of evidence.

• Bob summarizes:

  • “The criminal sits in the chair, makes a big stink… When they get outside, confronts the guards—one of you is a detective, they check the pockets… kills that guy, Wade helps… Don’t you see? It’s the perfect crime.” [58:00]

• Wade’s final victory theory ties all elements:

  • “Bush then burnt the burner phone he had used… A shrink ray was used to shrink the money, which was put in a freezer, then regrown…” [61:38]

---

<a name="endgame"></a>

6. Endgame: The True Perfect Crime and Debrief (62:52–71:21)

• Narrator’s last message: There was never a way to truly “solve” the perfect crime, as its perfection lay in ambiguity and confusion.
  • “There was never a world where you could actually solve my crime. It was perfect…” [62:04]
• Post-mortem:
  • The hosts acknowledge the format was delightfully overwhelming, requiring card-based clue management in the future.
  • Score breakdown: Wade wins (10–4)—mastery of info-dense storytelling and “pervert” accusation edge out Bob’s dense but scattered theories.
  • Friendship and fun upheld: Laughs, self-effacement, and confusion abound as the hosts congratulate each other and jest about the meta-nature of their descent into clue-based insanity.

---

<a name="quotes"></a>

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Mark’s dramatic setup:
  “You gradually wake up from a drug induced sleep… Suddenly, a speaker crackles overhead and you hear the following…” [04:40]
• Bob’s ever-tangling tale:
  “He [the criminal] slunk away back to his hideout. And as perfection dictates, the Queen died sometime later, where no one could even understand how it was she came to pass.” [19:53]
• Blacklight gag:
  “Blacklight reveals bodily fluids. Wade must have been touching himself. But then I realized, that’s not what we’re doing here… He probably was, but this is something else entirely.” —Bob [26:45]
• Shrink Ray improv:
  “As a swift action, can I try to use it on myself?” —Wade [39:25]
• Bob’s time-dilation hypothesis:
  “It seems like there was something crazy happening with time and time dilation and some bullshit, because... I could not have talked faster... Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time.” [69:40]
• Mark admits the game’s chaos:
  “I realized I wasn’t smart enough to come up with actually a super well written, contrived, perfect crime. So.... what if they’re both going nuts trying to come up with what the crime must have been?” [64:07]

---

<a name="segments"></a>

Key Timestamps for Major Segments

• Setup and Host Intro: 01:14–10:00
• First Clues/Inception of Theories: 10:00–23:00
• Blacklight Clues & Hidden Messages: 24:00–38:00
• Shrinking, Growing, and Fart Chairs: 39:00–55:24
• Climactic Rounds/Final Clues: 55:24–61:38
• Debrief, Scoring, Wrap-up: 62:52–71:21

---

Tone and Language

Throughout, the trio maintain their signature blend of deadpan, improv, and playful rivalry, peppered with absurdist humor and self-aware commentary about their own confusion. The tone shifts seamlessly from mock-serious procedural to chaotic improv, never forgetting the podcast’s “reminding each other they’re not as smart as they think” roots.

---

TL;DR

Distractible’s “The Perfectest Crime” is a one-of-a-kind, improv murder mystery fever dream, with Mark as game master and Bob & Wade as increasingly unhinged detectives racing to weave absurd clues—shrinking rays, burning cash, royal crowns, and blacklight fart stains—into ever more elaborate theories. By the end, it’s not just the crime that’s perfect, but the comedic confusion itself. Wade wins the round, but everyone scores a victory for bewildered, creative fun.

Transcript

[Bob]

Most of us are one good deal away from finally replacing that worn out

[Host]

rug, fixing up the backyard, or getting the bedroom we actually want.

[Narrator]

Good news.

[Bob]

That deal's almost here. Wayfair's Black Friday in July sale. Get up to 80% off area rugs and up to 60% off outdoor and bedroom furniture. Shop Wayfair's huge selection of styles and find the piece to fit your style, budget and space, plus free shipping. Black Friday in July ends July 27th. Shop [e-mail] Wayfair Every style, every home.

[Host]

Did you know with the Sam's Club

[Wade]

app, you're technically in the club no

[Host]

matter where you are? Like, this is a club.

[Wade]

This is also a club.

[Host]

And this is sh.

[Narrator]

A club. My bad.

[Host]

Come join us.

[Wade]

Sam's Club

[Host]

Athletic Brewing Company crafts award winning non alcoholic beers for those who want to be part of every round. With over 185 flavor awards, they're exceptional

[Wade]

NA beers that fit your lifestyle and

[Host]

any any social occasion. Summer's full of good times and athletic fits right in. Go to athleticbrewing.com to have brews delivered to your door or find them at a bar, restaurant or store near you near Beer Athletic Brewing Co.

[Wade]

Fit for all times.

[Host]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This legendary episode brainstorming. Blue Prince Bob rejects a Southern draw and westering Wade Wade detects a cold hard one as Magnifico Mark, the sempiternal maestro finally unleashes the most anticipated event in podcast history. From sucking ass to extensive notes,

[Narrator]

it's

[Host]

finally time for the perfectest rhyme. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Welcome everybody, to Distractable. You read the title correctly. It is time for the perfectest crime. I've been working on this for a very long time.

[Narrator]

I.

[Host]

Actually, you know, I. Man, I can't. I can't spoil it. You don't even know who I am. I'm Markiplier, inventor. If you're watching this in the future in some historical archive of the greatest podcast episode ever made, which is only this episode. It's me, the creator of the world. Changing it either brought world peace or it destroyed everything even more than it already is. Me, Markiplier, legendary host of the future. Greatest episode of Distractible that ever existed.

[Bob]

Actually your podcast nickname in the future. Mark the creator. Applier the legend.

[Host]

That's pretty good.

[Narrator]

Yep.

[Host]

I'm going to give you both point for. For Kiss Ass Suck.

[Bob]

I'll give Suck it.

[Host]

Ass Kiss Ass Point Wade, you get A suck ass point.

[Wade]

Oh, hell yeah. I'll take what I meant. Just have.

[Host]

Just sav. What the fuck?

[Wade]

I'll address it in small talk.

[Host]

All right, that's good. Well, too bad, you guys. There is literally no time for small talk. This is going to be such a dense episode that there will not be an opportunity to discuss your lives because your lives are now on the line.

[Wade]

Oh, also.

[Host]

Also, it's Bob and Wade for anyone. Also, the future historians that are watching this. Yes, it's the legend participants.

[Bob]

The legendary. The legendary other two guys. Also known as. And friends for all time.

[Host]

It's Bob. Middle name. My skins.

[Bob]

What's your middle name, Martin?

[Wade]

Wade. Wade Barnes.

[Host]

Do you not want to reveal your true name?

[Wade]

No, I don't want people knowing George is my first name. That'd be helpful.

[Bob]

I know the audience has been excitedly waiting for this to happen, but I think Wade and I are at least 60% as excited as the audience is to see what exactly this is about to be.

[Wade]

Well, Bob, I work in fractions, but that probably adds up to the percent you were talking about.

[Bob]

Six tenths or.

[Wade]

Yeah, I don't like to condense.

[Host]

Are you boys ready?

[Bob]

Yes.

[Host]

I want you to close your eyes.

[Wade]

Mine.

[Bob]

Wait.

[Host]

What the fuck?

[Wade]

Sorry. You can keep your eyes open.

[Bob]

The ones on the front of your face? Yes.

[Host]

Everyone at home, you don't have to close your eyes. Especially if you're driving. Like, please keep them open.

[Bob]

Unless you want to really see what excitement is.

[Host]

You gradually wake up from a drug induced sleep. You can't see. It's currently dark everywhere. Even if you were to open your eyes, you closing your eyes right now is not the same as in the room. You could open your eyes, but just. You can't see right now. Suddenly, a speaker crackles overhead and you hear the following.

[Narrator]

Rise and shine. Rise and shine. I have to ask you a question. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, then does it really matter who is holding the axe? You see, I have a problem. My crimes have become too perfect. No one will ever know who I am. Surely I am not perfect. Is that even possible? I am a criminal. I have perpetuated chaos. But if no one knows why, then would I even do it in the first place? But that's why you're here. Look around the room. In this place, the perfect crime. You don't even know what you lost. But you will, if you are as good as they say. If you're not, then no one will ever know of my Crimes. And I was too perfect. Solve the mystery with the clues I have left you, detectives. Some of them may be true. Some of them may be false. It is up to you to differentiate the method from the madness. But look carefully. Trust nothing. Trust everything. Can you really even trust the man standing across from you? Perhaps only the most perfect detective could perpetrate the perfect crime. Good luck, detectives. And act quickly. Time is against you.

[Host]

You open your eyes, you're in a room. Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yes. And across from you, you recognize each other. The two greatest detectives in this day and age. You both are rivals, v. Ing for the top spot. Always at each other's, you know, backs, you know, trying to solve the biggest mystery you've got. Oh, you can pick your own, I guess. Detective names I didn't really come up with. Schmenwash Malonk, you know, and then Wade.

[Bob]

Oh, it's. I'm Schwenwash Blanc.

[Host]

You could be whoever you. You could be Bob.

[Wade]

I guess I wasn't claiming that one,

[Host]

but you're the greatest detectives that ever lived. You find yourself in a square room. And how this is gonna work is I'm not gonna describe what's in the room right now. What you gu. Is you are going to take turns looking around the room. I will tell you where you have to pick a direction to look. North, east, south, west, wherever. And I will tell you what's in that direction. And then you'll. You'll differentiate the room. It'll be, like, segmented off like that. There's north stuff in the north, sturf in the east, south and west. And then in there, you can then search in something in that area or look somewhere in there, and you'll find a clue. And once you find that clue, you will then weave that clue into the story of what the crime is. You don't know what the crime is. You don't know how it was made, but you're going to figure it out because you're the greatest detective to ever live. And also, you're trying to beat the other guy, right? You want to be better. So each of you is going to take turns. The only rule is that you have to end your rant with. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. That's what you have to end it as, right?

[Wade]

I write that down.

[Host]

You're gonna write that down? Don't you see? Okay, now, here's the thing. This guy, the person who left you, Gore Girl, or whoever or thing or monster or entity, has is so good at crime. This is legitimately the perfect crime. They have laid the clues out in the exact order that they knew you would find it in. They knew you so well that they knew which clue you'd find before. So you have to keep the clues in order. And you will be using the other person's clues that they find. You don't know who this is. You don't know what the crime even is. You have to start from scratch. But assume that you are equipped with some basic detective ing things. Magnifying glass. You've got a fingerprint kit for all the good that'll do you. You've got, you know, a notebook. You've got things that you can detect with. Right? Okay. Does that all make sense?

[Wade]

Yes.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Host]

Now I'm gonna flip a coin and I'm gonna determine who's going to look and find the first clue. Heads weighed, Tailbob. Good job, tailbop.

[Bob]

Okay. All right.

[Host]

So Bob, once again. Square room. Northeast, south and west. Look in a direction and then you'll see something. I'll tell you what's in there and then you can look for one clue and it'll. You can keep going until you find one clue. Now, my mama. Mama schmuck.

[Bob]

No, I'm not fucking committing to that for the whole episode. God, I do not have a southern accent that I can do for that long. I just don't.

[Host]

Yeah, I know, I know. That's very good.

[Bob]

Anyway, I'll do what Schmenoit would have done. Anyway. I feel like I have to look south. Everything always starts in the south.

[Host]

Along the south wall is a half kitchen. There's a fridge, a sink, a stove. Well, just a cooktop. And like, I guess you could call it like a kitchen countertop with drawers.

[Bob]

You said there is a fridge, right? Yeah. I have to start in the fridge. Learn a lot about a person from the fridge.

[Host]

Okay, gotcha. Fridge or freezer?

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. Top and bottom. If it's a top and bottom, you got to go freezer first on top. That's where the sketchy stuff goes.

[Host]

You open up the freezer and you find a plastic wrapped bundle of cash. Hundred dollar bills in stacks.

[Bob]

And now I have to formulate my version of what the crime was.

[Host]

Yes. Yes. That's your first clue.

[Bob]

It's all clear now. It's all coming into focus. Don't you see? The criminal stole this cash. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Wade]

I understand.

[Host]

All right, Wade, your turn.

[Wade]

All right, so Bob and I are rivals. We are opposite of each other.

[Bob]

I'm smart, he's stupid, I'm fat, he's bald.

[Wade]

And Bob started in the south, so in order to be his polar opposite and be a true rival, I'm gonna look at the west wall.

[Host]

West. That threw me for a second. Okay. All right.

[Narrator]

Okay.

[Host]

In the west, you see a small science looking setup. There's beakers and chemicals bubbling. There's like a table there with drawers as well. And then there's a standing wardrobe cupboard looking thing.

[Wade]

And do I know Bob's clue? Am I allowed to use his clue?

[Host]

Yes. Yeah. You're so good. You see what he's doing? Okay, you know, you're both, you know, that Sherlock Holmes detective mode thing, you know, piecing it all together.

[Wade]

Okay, so whenever I formulate my hypothesis, it has to include his clue too. I understand. I'm going to look in the wardrobe cupboard thing.

[Host]

Okay, wait. Actually, you have to look left door or right door of the cupboard.

[Wade]

Well, I read left to right, so let's go right.

[Host]

Okay. You see a dirty used shovel.

[Wade]

I. Detective Wade. No. That the perfectest crime was committed. Money was taken from someone very well off and buried. But our criminal found himself in dire straits, needed to access that money, dug it up, laundered it and put it in the freezer. So we have access to some cold, hard cash. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

Did you really have to check?

[Wade]

Yes.

[Host]

All right. All right, Bob, it's your turn.

[Bob]

Well, I have to stay in the south because I'm lazy. Let's progress to the refrigerator.

[Host]

You open the refrigerator and you see on the top shelf a blue crown, like lots of little sapphire gems. It's very elaborate. The fur lining around it is also blue. It's just a weirdly blue crown.

[Bob]

Yes, it's all coming together. The criminal, of course, broke into the home of the ambassador. Not from anywhere in particular, just the ambassador. It's a known person. And went to safe number one expecting to find the sapphire crown of crowns, but found just a big old box of cash, which obviously they took. They went to safe number two because they had contingencies. Got it open, dirty shovel clearly had been used to hide a body, as the Ambassador is want to do. Took it, who might need leverage, you know, only adds to the perfectness of the crime. And then as they were on their way to safe number three, tripped over the crown laying on the floor in the bedroom of the ambassador. Clearly had been used as part of some sort of role playing game, perhaps with A mistress, maybe with. Who knows? Hard to tell. Anyway, that's what they were really there for. They snatched the crown and they headed home. It's perfect. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Wade]

Okay, so am I repeating what Bob said about the ambassador, or is that just his.

[Host]

No, no, no, no. You clues are what's important.

[Wade]

Okay, Got it.

[Host]

How the web is weaved is up to you. As the clues pile on you, and your genius is going to call him an idiot, and you're gonna figure out what the real crime is.

[Wade]

I am going to open the other wardrobe.

[Host]

Man, you guys are. You guys are lazy. He's just looking in the same spots I should.

[Wade]

Who goes to loot? Something's like. I better go across the room before I open the second.

[Host]

Oh, no, I thought you might have some. All right, you know, it's fine. You open up the other one, and you find a crowbar. A battered and used crowbar.

[Narrator]

Any.

[Wade]

Any debris on it, or is it just, like, dinged up?

[Host]

The paint's chipped up. It's been. It's to indicate it's been used. What for? Who knows? But it's clearly been used. Both ends are used up, scuffed. It's old.

[Wade]

My dear Dawsons, I have come up with another hypothesis.

[Host]

You what?

[Wade]

Basil of Baker street from great mouse detective and his associate Dawson or Sherlock Holmes. And you know his.

[Bob]

I can't tell if it's a bit. Anymore.

[Wade]

The guy with the creek, you know, Dawson, he had the creek.

[Bob]

Yeah, no, I know that one. I'm familiar with that. Dawson.

[Wade]

I do like my rival's idea about the ambassador. I'm going to use the. The ambassador. But the ambassador was visiting. A trip to the palace of the monarchy where the blue Prince resided. I'm all too familiar with blue crowns with my time with the blue prince. The ambassador caught our culprit in the act of stealing this crown in haste. The crowbar used to break into the building was also used to dispatch of our poor ambassador, who is loaded with pockets of money. Ambassador was taken, buried in a hole. Money removed from his pockets, shoved into a freezer. So that way, whenever our culprit needed access to cold, hard cash, it would be cold, it would be hard, and still cash. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

I do see. I do see. But, Bob, I don't think that's the full story.

[Bob]

No, no. I see something very different happening. I stand up from the refrigerator, slam it shut, gasp, and then run with my arms flailing over my head to the west to see what the hell Wade's looking at.

[Host]

There's a science table. Lots of science stuff. There's chemicals in beakers. There's drawers, a stack of drawers. And then there's the cupboard. The cupboard is open. Wade is standing in front of it holding a shovel and a Kruber.

[Bob]

So I just start rummaging through the vials full of chemicals to see what's going on with those.

[Host]

What's being concocted, you have deduced with your detective's eye, is one of the most deadly poisons known to man. Silent, tasteless, odorless. Almost the perfect poison, if not the perfect poison.

[Bob]

What we're uncovering this far is only the pre heist to set up the heist of all heists. We're not even. We're not even talking about the real crime yet, so clearly. So. So I think I was generally right about the first part. The crowbar was used by the criminal to make entrance into the Ambassador's home. The cash was just picked up. Ambassador is known to carry cash. And the criminal, just like a video game, just went around picking up piles of cash and then wrapped it, put it in the freezer just in case. And the shovel was. Was found in the safe as described. Clearly, leverage over the Ambassador. And the Blue Crown maybe was found in one of the safes. Maybe I misread that. But the Blue Crown is the key. The Blue Crown was taken and is going to be used. Or was used, I guess. This is supposed to have been perpetrated. It was used by the criminal to gain entrance into the gala. The criminal posed as the Blue Prince, who we all know and have so much experience with, and I have just as much, if not more experience than Wade with. Because he's a liar and he exaggerates. Criminal posed as the blueprints and bought a small pen, ballpoint pen, filled with this tasteless, odorless, perfect poison, so that he could sneak into the gala, sneak up to the Red Queen, Blue Prince's own mother, jab her with the ballpoint pen unbeknowingly to her or anyone else, and then slink away, as the blueprints is known to do. He's a slinker. And our criminal slunk away back to his hideout. And as perfection dictates, the Queen died sometime later, where no one could even understand how it was she came to pass.

[Host]

Damn, that's crazy. Where'd the ballpoint pen come from?

[Bob]

Who doesn't have a ballpoint pen? Everybody has a ballpoint. He just It's. He's the. He's in the ambassador's house. He was like, ooh, cash, cash, pen, cash, cash.

[Host]

That's your first warning. You added a clue that wasn't there. I'm not going to deduct anything. But, yeah, that's your first warning.

[Bob]

All right. Maybe it wasn't a ballpoint pen. Am I allowed to say just that? It's an implement. Maybe that will come up.

[Wade]

I hope it's a fountain pen. Just spite you.

[Bob]

Wait.

[Host]

Don't you see?

[Bob]

It's the perfect crime. All right.

[Host]

Very, very good, Wade. Bob is. Is in the West.

[Wade]

Yeah, well, it's time for me to move. We're going to go north.

[Host]

Why is the north funny?

[Bob]

I laughed because I thought that's where I was. And then I thought for another second it was like, that's not where I was. I thought he was just trading spots with me, but I'm just an idiot.

[Wade]

I'm going north on this wall and swapping with Bob to look at the poison.

[Host]

In the north wall, there's an elegant armchair. There is a fireplace, and there is a really, really nice old wooden desk.

[Bob]

Find a ball, boy. Pen.

[Host]

It's a really nice, you know, armchair, too, I guess. And a really, really. They're all really, really nice.

[Wade]

I'm going to start with the armchair.

[Bob]

He just wants to sit down. I see.

[Wade]

Kind of.

[Host]

You look closely at the armchair and you notice an engraving on it that says, from the White House. See, there's no name for the chair at the White House.

[Wade]

But you know the White House chair. The White House armchair. Everyone knows the White House armchair.

[Bob]

Wait, I recognize that chair. Is that the chair that goes with the Resolute desk?

[Host]

Yes, it is the chair that goes with the Resolute Desk.

[Bob]

It must be called the Resolute Chair. Yes, it's the Resolute Chair, AKA Ben Franklin's ass warmer.

[Host]

Yes, yes, yes. You found the Resolute Chair.

[Wade]

This fits into my narrative so well. Our culprit went to break into the palace to steal the Blue Crown from the Blue Prince. He was caught, Ambassador. Otherwise, grabbed a nearby shovel, which is always all over the palaces, as you know. Or crowbar. I'm sorry? The crowbar is what he used.

[Host]

Also all over the houses.

[Wade]

When he broke into the palace, hit the witness over the head, had to drag him out, bury him, empty his pockets. One thing he didn't count was that his chair, the ambassador's chair, had an engraving from the White House. Our culprit, in committing the perfectest crime was also unraveling a conspiracy involving the White House trying to get this crown for themselves. Fearing for his life, he took the money. He had stored it in his freezer, knowing that not only was he about to have the police after him for his crimes, but the entire force of the US Government to conceal their part in this. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

All right, you have it. If you. If you haven't got on. I'm giving a point for every time you end it with you see? Perfect crime. And then I. I'm. I would deduct a point if you've missed any of the clues. So I'm keeping track of it. There are now six clues on the field.

[Wade]

And there was poison.

[Host]

Oh, you missed the poison.

[Bob]

I remember.

[Host]

I called it out before you did.

[Bob]

There was poison.

[Host]

He told it himself.

[Wade]

I caught. I caught it.

[Host]

Nope. Nuh. You'd already said. You already said. Don't you see? It's a perfect crime.

[Wade]

But don't you see? It's the perfectest crime.

[Host]

No, no, no, no. That's not it. That's not it. Okay, good. All right, Delightful. Bob, your turn.

[Bob]

I'm gonna go to the only other place that we haven't checked out yet. Just out of pure curiosity. I go to the east.

[Host]

All right? In the east, you see a door, there is a keyhole, and there's a light switch.

[Bob]

Well, I know if I go and peer into the keyhole, so I'm just gonna. Stab me in the eye. So I'm gonna check out the light switch.

[Host]

All right? Okay. The only thing you can do this with the light switch is flip it. So are you flipping it?

[Bob]

Yeah, I flip it really fast without looking at anything. I just start going. Eventually, my wrist gets tired as kind of like, and then I give up.

[Host]

What you're seeing is the lights go out, but instead of being total darkness, you see a purple glow emanate in the room, and you see the fracture for a fraction of a second. You see weird shapes and, like, you know, things glowing here and there, but you're like. And then eventually you settle with it off. And you hear the following message.

[Narrator]

Congratulations, detectives. I didn't expect it to take you that long, but I would have been more disappointed if you didn't make it. Roger baby, learning to walk. But now it's time to run. He didn't think it was just one step, did you? I'm afraid. Fear our linear. And now you must we the story of my crime together. Take the clues that you had and Add them to what you see. But the real question is, which step came first? Did you start at the beginning or did you start at the end? The only way forward is to discover more clues. I'd left you everything you need. More clues. More bloody herring. I truly hope to see you on the other side. But if I don't, then it only proves my point. Or maybe I'm already seeing you right now.

[Host]

So in the darkness, there's suddenly these strange glowing spots around the room, or, you know, in all the four cardinal directions on the floor, ceiling.

[Bob]

Are they moving? No. So they're just, like, static spots all around?

[Host]

No, they're not moving. Everything's still static. Nothing's changing. There's not like, you know, mo baby mobile of lights going around. It's just. Everything's static. It's black light. So it would reveal certain things.

[Wade]

I changed pants.

[Host]

That's true. You guys haven't looked at each other yet.

[Bob]

Can I perceive anything or are they just purple spots? Are they, like, too far away or are they.

[Host]

You still have to look in a direction, so as soon as it goes off, wherever your head goes first, that's where you're going to.

[Wade]

Oh.

[Bob]

I immediately look towards Wade when the lights turn off, because I panic, and I'm pretty sure he's the criminal. He's just going to kill me.

[Host]

All right, so Wade is up north. Well, I guess that wouldn't matter. You're looking at Wade. I guess it wouldn't matter where he is.

[Bob]

Yeah. Like, I start flipping the lights, and when I realize I'm like Wade, and I stare at him.

[Host]

Yes. Wade's hands are glowing.

[Bob]

Interesting.

[Wade]

They just do that.

[Bob]

My immediate suspicion is because I know that black light reveals bodily fluids. Wade must have been touching himself. But then I realized that's not what we're doing here. That's not what we're doing here. That's unrelated. He probably was, but this is something else entirely, obviously. So what happened was, the criminal is not Wade.

[Wade]

For $5, I'll show you the perfectest time.

[Host]

Oh, we wait. Sequel to this game.

[Bob]

That's like, the adult version of it. It's like, this is apples to apples. And that's the cards against humanity version. Our criminal used the crowbar to pry open the safe and the ambassador's house to get the Blue Crown for the purposes of posing as the Blue Prince. The Blue Prince, Fake blueprints are criminal. Was planning to attend on that very same evening, the gala at the White House. As we all know, the White House has lots Of Galas. This is a totally normal thing for White Houses to do. And the blueprints had a plan to murder his mother, the Red Queen. And so he took his stealth shovel, the size of which we have not yet discussed, and coated the tip of it in the perfect poison that he had hence brewed and brought with him in a tiny vial. And so the criminal across his back strapped his widely known tactical shovel that he was wont to carry around, especially to galas blueprints, with his blue crown and his tactical shovel, made his way into the White House. He sauntered up casually to the Red Queen, made sure that he happened to just, like, be a little rowdy and turn and bump her and cut her right on the arm with the edge of his tactical shovel, which was a thing that he had done many times as a child. And so it wouldn't be weird at all for him to do it now as a fully grown adult man. Or woman, I guess it is, Prince. I mean, whatever. So anyway, the poison was thus delivered. And it was at that point that the. The blueprints needed to make an escape and needed to do so in character. And the blueprints is known for stealing something from every party that he attends. And so the blueprints just started rummaging around and at one point picked up a crowbar. No, I use that already. Why did I do that? That's exactly not what I was leading towards. Rummaging around, had a seizure for a second, looked at a crowbar, and changed his mind. And then sat in a chair and declared loudly for the entire gala to hear, this is my chair now. I sat in it and I farted in it. And so it is mine. This is how we claim chairs in my kingdom. So it is mine. And the blueprint snapped his fingers. And two royal guards came in. And without the blueprints getting out of the chair, they picked up the chair and the Prince and unceremoniously carried him out of the gala. And everyone was kind of like, God, I fucking hate that guy. And his mom was like, I know, I know, but we have to invite him. I'm John. I did my best. And everyone kind of looks at her and is like, yeah. And anyway, so that's how we got the chair. But the chair, having the criminals fart freshly upon it, was placed in our chamber here. And while we were unconscious, purely as a red herring, and because it was pretty funny, the criminal farted a whole bunch more into the chair and then took Wade's hands and just went. And so the reason Wade's hands are glowing is because they have misleading fart clue all over them.

[Host]

Do farts glow under blacklight? Wait, sorry, you're not done?

[Bob]

After all that, the criminal positioned our bodies for us to wake up in the chamber. And right as they were about to leave, and certainly not as an afterthought, they looked at the chair and thought, oh, that's weird. No, it felt a little pointy when I sat on it. And they sort of looked and there was like a cut in the edge of the upholstery. And they peeled it up and there was just a cube of cash in the chair. They didn't even expect that to happen. And they're like, oh, shit. Oh, God. And they just took the cash out of the chair and stuck that in the freezer. Because they were like, who would look for clues in a freezer? And so that's why the cash was in the freezer. Don't you see? Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

All right, there you go. That's the stuff. I think you got everything. I'd almost. I gotta have a better system of tracking the items. And I'm gonna put in a time limit on your deductions to make it harder on you.

[Wade]

Yeah. After my turn, just you wait.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna put a two minute timer on this from here on out. All right. Wade, Wade, it's. It's. It's your turn.

[Wade]

Is anything glowing in my area? The north wall.

[Host]

So you look there. No, there's nothing glowing. I can tell you that. But also, I won't let that consume your clue. I hadn't thought about that part of if you could look where there's something not glowing.

[Wade]

Okay. I just wanted to see if there was something I was going to investigate something if it was. But since I'm over here anyway, even though it's not glowing, I'm going to take a look at the desk.

[Host]

Take a look at the desk. Okay. It's too dark to see anything.

[Bob]

Is that his clue?

[Host]

No. Well, I'm just letting you know blacklight mode is like a different mode for the room.

[Wade]

Okay. So we can only investigate things that are glowing when it's in blacklight mode.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It would help if I told you where. Like some general. No, you'll figure it out. So you keep looking. You stumble around in the dark.

[Wade]

I am currently on the north wall. I'm going to move toward the nearest glow. Whether it's up, down or at another wall.

[Host]

They're all equidistant.

[Wade]

I move toward the one on my left.

[Bob]

East.

[Host]

Okay.

[Wade]

All right.

[Host]

It's the fucking door and the light switch.

[Bob]

Why are you following me? Get the fuck out of here.

[Wade]

Is there any kind of glow from the keyhole? Can I look through the keyhole?

[Host]

Nothing.

[Wade]

Is Bob glowing?

[Host]

You're looking at Bob. Is that your thing?

[Narrator]

If.

[Wade]

Yeah, if. I can't. If. I can see him. Yeah.

[Host]

Bob has stains down his chin, corners of his mouth, on his decolletage, top of his shirt a little bit. So the clue is Bob's glowing mouth area.

[Wade]

Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the crown of the Blue Prince, and stole money to send a message and to leave a mistrail of motive. The actual target in the White House was killed with an untraceable poison, then taken out, buried with a shovel. The money then taken and put into the freezer. Kept his cold, hard cash for later. I thought my glowing hands were going to be a red herring. But whenever I looked at my rival and saw that he had a glowing, nasty face, I understood that not only was it not a red herring, but our glowing hands and mouth face were actually part of a bigger clue. Our culprit is not only committing the perfectest crime, but they're a pervert. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Bob]

Did you forget a whole bunch of shit? Are you done?

[Host]

I think you forgot a whole.

[Wade]

Poison, crowbar, shovel, money, crown, chair, glowing hands, Bob stain. I knew all those things.

[Host]

Did you? Wait, where's the. Was the shovel used?

[Wade]

The target was killed with the poison, then buried with the shovel.

[Host]

I think. Yeah. For some reason in my head, I was trying to keep track of it, but you're so quick. So I only need to give you guys one minute. Perfect. That's great.

[Wade]

I don't know. We're gonna keep adding things to this, so maybe we.

[Host]

Okay, Bob, I'll head back to the

[Bob]

kitchen to see if there's anything glowing to look at.

[Wade]

Over there.

[Bob]

Is the. Is there anything on, like, the stovetop that's glowing there?

[Host]

Because you've looked in the fridge. The fridge is open, and there is a glow in the fridge.

[Bob]

Ooh. I peek back in there.

[Host]

It says, look in the cupboard.

[Bob]

Do I get to do that or is that the whole clue?

[Host]

That is. That's the problem there. I see there.

[Bob]

The problem is in the same continuous motion, I don't stop at the fridge. I see that it says that, and I go, oh. And keep scooting right on over to the cupboard.

[Host]

I think, yeah, you should. You should be able to. You should be able to. You should be able to do something.

[Bob]

So I feel like that's, like, a special thing. Like, I'm not choosing to do that. I, like, triggered a trap card, and now I'm like, oh, in the cupboard,

[Host]

it says, look on the ceiling, because the cupboard is open. You guys conveniently did this in a way, I think. And then.

[Bob]

Are you.

[Host]

You obviously continue to look up at the ceiling, and it says, look under the body.

[Bob]

Oh, I look at the floor to see if there's a body.

[Host]

Too dark.

[Bob]

We don't know where that is, do we? Do I get to take any additional actions?

[Host]

Okay. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and say you would turn the light on, because you're like. If you're following this trace, it's like, ping pong, ping. Look down, and you can't see it. So you would go turn the light on. Right. Then you see on the floor in the center of the room, which has been there the whole time, is a body.

[Wade]

We're not very good detectives.

[Bob]

I knew that was a mislead. I disregarded it. Off the rip.

[Wade]

Yeah, me too.

[Host]

Both of you. Dismissed it as too obvious.

[Wade]

Perfect cry. Wouldn't leave a body. Clearly, it's a.

[Host]

All right, I'll give you one minute.

[Bob]

The criminal clearly brewed the poison, coated the edge of the shovel, broke into the ambassador's house, stole the cube of money and the blue crown, put on the blue crown and the shovel to pose as the Blue Prince, got into the gala at the White House, accidentally bumped into Red Queen with the poison, thus killing her. Much later, sat in the Resolute chair to make the escape. Wade was actually one of the guards, because Wade was already secretly stalking the criminal and has not revealed that yet. And that's why his hands are all colorful. And that's all also why my mouth is colorful, because once we were here, the chair was here, Wade was here, the criminal was here, the shovel was here. And the criminal had used a crowbar to knock me unconscious. And then when I was still unconscious in the room, they wiped my face all over the fart chair because they thought that would be really funny, which it was, to be totally fair. And then they took the body of the other guard and laid it in the middle of the room. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

I'll give you that one. Just because I think I started a little late. So I think you had a little Extra time for that. Oh, man.

[Wade]

Can't wait to squeeze in more than that in one minute.

[Narrator]

All right.

[Bob]

The story's really gonna have to get tighter. I see. I see. I see.

[Wade]

Okay. Does that mean, just for clarification, does that mean the body. You investigated it there, so. Or is there still more to see?

[Bob]

I have not looked under it. We just learned that the body is there.

[Host]

Yeah, I'm counting. The body is a clue. And then there's something else.

[Wade]

Watching Bob, when the lights were turned off, did it seem like he went to most of the lights?

[Host]

I couldn't tell you that. Yeah, but I will. Okay, I'll say you've got vastly more things you haven't seen with the light on than with the light off. All right, you don't say.

[Wade]

I'm gonna go back to the north wall. There's only one thing left to look at there. Right. I think I looked at. Looked at the desk. Right.

[Bob]

There's a couple things. You looked at the chair.

[Host]

You look at the chair. You couldn't look at the desk because it was dark. You.

[Wade]

It was dark. Okay, I want to look at the desk. Now that the lights are on, you'll

[Host]

notice that there are two drawers on the side of the desk. That's. That's of the thing of note. The other thing of note, it's also the Resolute desk. It's actually the Resolute desk.

[Wade]

I will pick the closest drawer, the one closest to the front.

[Host]

They're top or bottom, so it's like

[Bob]

drawer one or drawer two, closest to the front. What the fuck?

[Wade]

Top drawer, drawer one.

[Host]

Okay. One. Okay. Drawer one. Okay. You open up drawer one and you see what appears to be a shrink ray. Okay, don't laugh. Don't laugh. It's a clue. This is a very serious cry.

[Wade]

Well, just the description of what appears to be a shrink ray has been.

[Host]

I'm not calling you an expert in what metaphysics or whatever it would be that actually applies to a shrink ray. But in your eyes, you're like, huh, I've watched, honey, I shrunk the kids. That sure looks like a shrink ray.

[Wade]

As a swift action, can I try to use it on myself?

[Host]

You know, my. My game didn't account for that. But, you know, I say, why not? I guess, all right, it. Boom, you shrink. It is, in fact, a shrink ray. Everything that was, I guess, previous height is now out of reach.

[Wade]

Fuck.

[Bob]

I see the air in my way.

[Host]

Yes, but you could see under the desk. I guess maybe there's nothing under There. Don't even bother looking.

[Wade]

Our culprit broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the Resolute chair, but stole money to give motive. Money that was in the Resolute desk. The actual target was killed with the poison undetectable. The body taken buried with a shovel. This vast amounts of money were shrunk with the shrink ray in order to compact it down in order to get it back out, then put into the freezer. My glowing hands. Bob's glowing chin. I thought a red herring. But culprit also a pervert. Did he use the shrink ray for more? I think we're onto something. We're gonna find out what's in that other drawer. And to find out exactly what he shrunk. Other than the money itself. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

I, I, I love it. But I'm gonna give you one warning because all you did was mention Bob's glowing mouth and insinuate something. Gotta tie that in. Gotta tie that in harder. But I'll, I'll give it to you this time. All right, Bob.

[Bob]

I have to look under the body now, right? I did all of that. I have to look under the body now.

[Host]

So you roll the body over, you notice multiple things. He is still wearing pants. You see two things that seem to be in his front left and front right pocket. But also underneath him, you see a hole with a mound of dirt that is clearly has been dug up. It's different than the concrete of the rest of the area. It's like a freshly dug pile or maybe freshly buried something.

[Bob]

Which of those things is technically the clue I need to concern myself with in, in crafting my new story?

[Host]

I don't know.

[Wade]

I think you can choose one to investigate. If I had to guess, you could probably investigate the whole or one of the two pockets.

[Host]

Wade could then make a stretched out dive for the other thing. I guess if he thinks it's gonna be worth it. But yeah.

[Bob]

Is the shovel within arm's reach? I'd like to take the shovel and start carefully, without touching the clearly poisoned edge. Start digging up the hole, the disturbed earth thing, to see what the hell's going on in there.

[Host]

You dig it around, you shove it around, you go. Tink, that's not right. Until you start digging out. You pull out a ledger, right? Like it's a ledger of documents that look like financial documents. And as you start flipping through, you notice that the numbers don't add up. It's all nonsense. And every Single one of them is signed with the initials G, W, B.

[Bob]

Okay, I know what happened.

[Host]

3, 2, 1.

[Bob]

Our criminal use the crowbar to break into the Ambassador's house and break into safe number one and steal a cube of money and break into safe number two and steal the blue crown, and then break into safe number three and steal the ledger. And the ledger was swapped out because gwb, of course, is Grace Whittingham Bellworth, the name of the accountant for the. For the Ambassador. Then posing as blue trim blueprints with his poison shovel, he goes into the. The gala at the White House, bumps into Queen Red Queen, kills Red Queen, Realizes halfway in that one of the guards has realized his mistake. Kills that guard with the shovel as well, but beats him death really quickly. Uses the shrink ray he always keeps in his back pocket to shrink that guard down and hide him in the drawer of the Resolute desk. Sits on the Resolute chair and makes a whole stink about it and gets his guards to carry him out in the Resolute chair. On the way out, he's like, I

[Narrator]

need the desk, too.

[Bob]

The desk matches. I get the chair and the desk, and he takes the Resolute chair and the Resolute desk with him as they leave. And. And he did the thing where he shoved my face into the chair. I had that last time already. All right?

[Host]

Ah, almost, almost, almost.

[Bob]

But don't you see? It's a perfect crime.

[Host]

All right, so I'm deducting a point because it was out of the time for your glowing mouth and Wade's glowing hands. I didn't catch either of those.

[Bob]

He's. He's. He carried him in the chair. Does that not carry over? Okay, I was presuming it was the same story as last time, but I didn't say it that time.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't specifically called out, so I'm going to deduct a point for that. So you just lost two points on that one. All right, I like the sequential number of safes that just had all the valuables.

[Bob]

There's a lot. Ambassadors have lots of safes. Everybody knows this.

[Host]

All right, all right, Wade, your turn.

[Wade]

Yeah, I'm starting to write a novel here, trying to remember all these clues. Okay, I'm going to check drawer number two.

[Host]

Wait, you can't reach it?

[Wade]

I climb up the leg.

[Narrator]

All right.

[Host]

Okay, this is actually gonna work out really well for you. You open drawer number two. Man, you guys are so sequential in your things. You find what appears to be a growth ray.

[Bob]

Oh, wow, look at that.

[Host]

You're lucky I didn't make one of these. A gun.

[Wade]

You're like, I'll test this on myself.

[Host]

You go, oh, thank goodness. After struggling to open the drawer, you only opened it a sliver because obviously you couldn't have opened it all the way. You climbe into the drawer, you're like, oh, thank goodness. You somehow managed to. Because there's probably a charge up sequence. I'm giving you this one. You press the trigger, run over towards the barrel.

[Bob]

Hit me, baby.

[Host]

Hits you. You're inside the drawer. You blast the Resolute desk into pieces as you get splinters all over your body. But you're. Hey, you're big again.

[Wade]

Can I use a bonus to shrink the splinter so they hurt less?

[Bob]

No.

[Wade]

All right, Theory time. Oh, no, no, no. Hold on.

[Bob]

Phone.

[Wade]

Not you. Not you. Not phone. Lady.

[Host]

Theory. With a th.

[Bob]

Hey. Theory.

[Host]

Three, two, one, go.

[Wade]

Former President George W. Bush broke into the White House where he used to live with a crowbar and planted a blue crown on the Resolute chair near the Resolute loot desk, but stole a ledger that was there to cover up his crimes. The accountant that had found the ledger and was using it was then killed with an invisible poison. Body was taken and buried with a shovel. The money was shrunk with a shrink ray put into the freezer, where it was then expanded again with the growth ray because there's just so much money. My glowing hands were a red herring, as are the initials that could point to me. Gwb when it in fact means President Bush. They were coded while I was unconscious to throw off my idiot rival, who also was a victim himself. Because our culprit was also a pervert. Hence the nasty stains and glowing white all over his chin, mouth, neck area. It may be a bit disgusting and convoluted, but don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

Nailed it. Nailed every facet of it. That's one beautiful point for you, man. The growth.

[Wade]

The growth rate at least fit in with my. He shrunk the money.

[Host]

You know, it all ties in. It all ties in. I like it. It makes a lot of sense. All right, Bob, back to you.

[Bob]

I'm still over the body. I have the hole, and now I have two pockets. I reach for the body's left pocket on my right so, like, they would put their left hand in their left pocket.

[Host]

I wrote this specifically. In the left pocket, there is a fake id, an fake employee id, or fake credentials for a man named Wade.

[Wade]

Is it an id, like just a driver's license or like an identification for a certain place?

[Host]

It's an employee id. So all it has is a name. It doesn't have a picture.

[Wade]

Okay, but we just don't know what it's an employee for. Like what business or anything.

[Host]

I didn't think that far through, man.

[Wade]

Okay, sorry. I apologize.

[Host]

Wait, let me reveal something to you. I didn't write the crime guy. Oh, I didn't write the crime.

[Bob]

Do you think that was a correct answer that we were building towards?

[Host]

Yeah. Do you think that there's a. That I've got a right answer that you guys are going for? No, that's not the point of it.

[Wade]

It's just a tag. It says my name is Wade.

[Host]

Yes, that's what it is. I work at business.

[Bob]

Okay.

[Host]

Three, two, one, go.

[Bob]

Criminal used the shrink ray to break into the ambassador's house. Shrank the front door, but use the growth rate to grow it back up so it fit back in. Shrank the door on the one very large safe, out of which they withdrew a ledger and side by Grace Whittenham Bellinghouse and replaced with a forgery the block of money and the blue crown. They take the blue crown, they coat the shovel and poison. They Fred. They go as the blueprints into the gala at the White House. Kill Red Queen. They realize while they're there that one of their two guards they brought with them is famous detective Wade. And realize they're gonna have to deal with that on the way out. So they're in there, they do the kill mom. They do the whole thing. They sit in the chair and they make a whole stink. And they take the chair and the desk with them. And on the way out, as they're outside, finally alone, he looks at the blueprints, looks at his two compatriots and is like, who are you? And one of them has an ID that says Wade on it. So he kills that one and he shrink raised the body. And then they get back here and he growth rays the body so that it's the normal body. And then he takes my unconscious face and wipes it all over the fart chair. And then also Wade's hands are glowing because of the fart chair. And he touched it a lot. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. God, why is that so hard to do? Fucking hell.

[Wade]

I don't know, man. I don't know.

[Host]

I. I can't confer. I need to. Did you use the crowbar in your. Because that Used to be the safe thing. And you did the shrink ray on the safe door instead of the crow. I think you missed the crowbar.

[Bob]

I have. If I'm gonna be honest, I was gonna have him kill not Wade with the crowbar and then use the shrink ray, but I just said he killed him and didn't say that he killed him with the crowbar. So I did intend that, but I did not say it.

[Wade]

We gotta self stop self reporting. Bob.

[Bob]

I'm here. I'm here to play, to win, but only if I can win fair and square. Okay, I want a cheap win.

[Host]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna give you the point for. Don't you see? It's a perfect crime. Because my timer is a little, you know, early for you guys, so. But I'm a deduct. A point for the crowbar. Back to Wade.

[Wade]

I think the only other thing I haven't looked over over here is the fireplace. The desk is done and gone. I'm gonna look at the fireplace with two reasons. One, it's not been investigated to burn out the splinters inside of me because wood is flammable.

[Host]

You know what else is flammable? Hopefully not my glowing hands to, say, the human body.

[Wade]

Oh, well, I'm hairless, so I'm not too worried about that.

[Host]

Okay. All right, then. In the fireplace, you see the remnants of burnt pieces of money. It's burnt all over. It's like someone shoved in a giant brick of cash into this fireplace but burned it.

[Wade]

Okay, this fits into my narrative. Just give me a moment to figure out how and where.

[Host]

There's so many elaborate steps to the perfect crime. It all fits together. You're the greatest detective. You can piece the puzzle.

[Wade]

I understand the pieces. I see the numbers around me, the equations. They're all starting to blend. I think I'm ready for this.

[Host]

All right. 3, 2, 1.

[Wade]

The perfectest crime wasn't always intended to be the perfectest crime, but it was a response. For. You see, former President George W. Bush's money was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the chair.

[Bob]

Keep going.

[Narrator]

Sorry.

[Wade]

Stole the ledger, covering up his crimes. The accountant, both for knowing and for doing what he had done, was targeted and killed with a poison. His body taken and buried with a shovel. The only thing left, other than the crown, was the Wade name tag to lead away for Mr. Bush with another W name. The money was shrunk though the bunny not burned. The money taken from the White House, shrunk, put in the freezer, where it was then reversed with the growth ray because there was so much of it. My glowing hands. Red herring. As the. As are the initials that could point to me. They were coated while I was unconscious. Throw off my idiot rival. But revealed our culprit was a pervert when I saw his glowing chin. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

I think you got it.

[Bob]

When Wade does it, he's talking slowly, and it feels like he has an hour and a half. And when I do it, I feel like I could barely get three sentences out before a minute is up. What the.

[Host]

I wanna. Okay, so, Wade or no. Sorry, Bob.

[Bob]

Well, I have to look at what's in the right pocket, I guess.

[Host]

You're not gonna like it. Oh, it's an employee ID with the name Bob.

[Bob]

I don't even need time to think. I'm ready.

[Host]

All right, Here we go. 3, 2, 1, go.

[Bob]

The criminal was breaking into the ambassador's house. They used the cross bar to break the front door. They get inside to go to the one very large safe. They use the shrink ray to shrink the door on the safe. They steal the large pile of money, the ledger to make sure nobody knows how much money is missing, and the blue crown. They return to their base, they don their shovel coated in poison, and their blue crown opposes the blueprints at the gala at the White House. They go to the gala at the White House, and on the way in, they realize that one of their bodyguards they've hired is a notorious detective. But he can't quite figure out which one it is. On the way in, bumps into Mom, Poisons, the Red Queen. Red Queen later dies. That's. That's the real goal here. But then to get away. Sits at the Resolute chair, makes a whole stick, and is like, I need this chair. And the guards carry him out. And that's why Wade's hands are glowing. And then he's like, I need the desk, too. And they take the desk with him. And as they get outside, when they're finally alone, he looks. He says, I know one of you is a great detective.

[Narrator]

Wade.

[Bob]

And Wade takes one of the two IDs. He has his pockets. Once his Bob wants his Wade, he puts it in the other guy's pocket. And the other guy's like, wait, wait, that's not mine. And then the criminal kills the other person. And that's the body. I strike the body. They Bring him back to the headquarters. And don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Wade]

Holy shit.

[Host]

I got bad news, Bob. I don't think you. I don't think you burned the cash.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. I forgot what I was gonna do about that. Wade did that.

[Wade]

I don't what is even left to investigate.

[Bob]

There's a lot of stuff left. Dude, there's so many things we haven't looked at.

[Host]

Yeah, there's multiple drawers, there's multiple surfaces. Yeah, there's a. There's the rest of the kitchen.

[Wade]

Yeah, that's where I'm going. I might have to throw out all these clues. Everything but the kitchen sink.

[Host]

Perfect. In the kitchen sink, you notice there's something shiny in the garbage disposal. You fish your hand in there, brave as can be, and you pull out an expensive looking watch engraved with the initials B.M.M.

[Wade]

got it.

[Host]

3, 2, 1, go.

[Wade]

Former President George W. Bush was taking care of Bob Mr. Marley's money. And it was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning that he knew what President Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the Resolute chair next to the Resolute desk, but stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. He left the pocket watch with the initials BMM on it. To betray his accomplice, us. The accountant was targeted and killed with poison. His body taken buried with a shovel as a for what he had done. The only thing left other than the crown was Wade and Bob name tags to call out us, the world's greatest detectives, to dare to try to solve this crime. The money was shrunk and put in the freezer where it was then and re enlarged with the growth ray and used with the shrink ray. Before there's just so much money. My glowing hands are a red herring as initials that could point to me. They recorded while I was unconscious, as was Bob's face covered in glass flowiness. Because the culprit is also a pervert. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

Was the money burned?

[Wade]

I think so, yeah. George Bush was watching Marley's money. Then it was burned by the accountant.

[Host]

Oh, you're right. You're right. That's. That's so true. That's so true. I apologize. That's on me.

[Wade]

I don't know if my story makes any fucking sense anymore, but God damn, it's my story.

[Host]

Look, the crime is so convoluted, so deep, so multi layered that it makes sense only when you see the full Picture.

[Wade]

Oh, you like Bob, Mr. Marley? I couldn't think of anyone with the initials BMM other than Bob.

[Host]

Oh, I can't think of one person with initials BMM I can't imagine why. I asked Bob what his middle name was. God, I put so many clues to

[Bob]

try to pit you against each other in both of the messages.

[Host]

In both of the audio messages are like, how do you can you trust the other person you guys like.

[Wade]

Nah, I don't.

[Host]

No, clearly you do. His mouth is dripping with blood.

[Bob]

Your hands are covered. Yes. Blood. Yes. Yes.

[Host]

Didn't have to be semen.

[Bob]

It didn't have to be.

[Host]

It could have been blood.

[Wade]

I didn't think about blood.

[Host]

All right, Bob, last, last look. Okay, you've almost got it all. You've almost got it all.

[Bob]

Am I allowed to go to the east and try and open the door?

[Host]

Yes, you could try, but it doesn't open. It is, in fact, locked.

[Bob]

Can I peer through the keyhole or is it not that kind of keyhole?

[Host]

You can look through the keyhole, but all you see is just an empty hallway.

[Bob]

I mean, there's stuff we have not explored in the kitchen, I think, possibly. But is there anything on the body I have yet to explore? You set up the two pockets and the hole. There was no other evidence of anything on the body.

[Host]

I didn't. Unfortunately, I didn't plan everything for that. So what you have is the. There's still drawers in the science area.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Wade]

I think the stove top is also not.

[Host]

Yeah, there's a cooktop, and then there's the kitchen counter with, like, one. There's one drawer in the kitchen counter? Yeah.

[Bob]

I want to go to the science and look at the. The drawer, like, the top drawer.

[Host]

You open the top drawer.

[Bob]

Oh, God.

[Host]

No. It's. I mean, I'm just laughing because I don't know how the fuck you're gonna do this. You find a green sultan's cap straight out of Agrabah, like, Sultan green. It all makes sense. It all makes sense.

[Bob]

Got it.

[Host]

Three, two, one, go.

[Bob]

The night before the perfect crime. Wade burned the money of the criminal in an attempt to stifle him. But the criminal would not be stopped. The criminal, and Wade, as an accomplice, use the crowbar to break into the ambassador's house. They go up to the safe and use a shrink ready to shrink the door. The safe, removing the money, the ledger so that the money is secret, and the blue crown. They then take the blue crown and the poison shovel to sneak into the Gala at the White House. Sneak up next to Mom. Boom. Poison. Mom's gonna die. Later. But the prince has realized that one of his two accomplices is Wade. But that's why Wade stuck a name tag with both his and his rival. Best detective in the world's name, in the pocket of the other guy. The prince sits in the chair, makes a big stink, claims the chair, has his guards carry him out in the chair and says, also, princess, the desk. So they bring the desk. When they get outside, he confronts his bodyguard and says, one of you is a detective who looks at their pockets. And no matter what he finds in the pockets of the one guy, it says one of our names. So he kills that guy, and Wade helps him kill that guy. That's why Wade's hands are glowy. And then they shrink that body and they put it in the desk, and they bring the desk in the chair back to the hideout, and then they run. Shrink the thing and. Oh, something else.

[Narrator]

Oh.

[Bob]

Don't you see? It's the perfect crime. I definitely forgot something there.

[Host]

Fuck.

[Wade]

Did you remember to fart your face?

[Host]

Yeah, he didn't. You didn't get your glowing mouth. The expensive watch, and I think the newest addition, the green sultan's cap.

[Wade]

I just have the clues, like, listed out with little notes. Of what?

[Bob]

Like, I did that, too. But I can't. I didn't write them in the order that I'm telling the story. So the moment I have to jump around, it's like, okay, well, I've never fucking fighting my place back on the list of shit I have in front of me. I just say, we didn't do small talk. But I was in the hospital for three days immediately preceding this. Can I just throw that out there with no context?

[Host]

I'll give you a hospital point.

[Bob]

I was literally in the hospital Friday night through yesterday afternoon.

[Host]

Oh, I didn't know that. You okay?

[Bob]

I'm fine. I just can't remember this stuff in the thing that we're doing.

[Wade]

I was in physical therapy literally yesterday. Does that count?

[Narrator]

No.

[Host]

No other small talk will be allowed. All right, last clue.

[Wade]

I'm gonna look at the stovetop.

[Host]

You're gonna look at the stovetop. Okay, so in a pan, there's a lidded pan. I'm just gonna say, you open. You open it.

[Narrator]

Right?

[Wade]

I lift the lid.

[Host]

In the pan is a burnt phone. A burner phone, but it's burnt. I thought that was funny.

[Narrator]

Okay.

[Host]

All right, whatever. Fuck.

[Bob]

Fuck. I'm trying to make sure I don't lose Any more points?

[Host]

Well, Bob, you don't have to go again. So you're, you're. You're okay, so there is a burner phone that's been burned on the stovetop.

[Bob]

Is that not why they're called that? Because they're not called a smash with your foot phone.

[Host]

Okay. All right. Ready, Wade?

[Wade]

No. Let's do it.

[Host]

Three, two, one, go.

[Wade]

Former President George W. Bush had Bob Marley's money. It was taken and burned by his former accountant as a warning to show that he knew what Bush had done. So Bush broke into the White House with a crowbar, planted the blue crown on the Resolute chair. And a green sultan accountant's cap on the Resolute desk. Trophies of the many crimes he committed as president. But he stole a ledger to cover up his crimes. Which also left a pocket watch with BMM on it. To betray his accomplice Marley and point to him. The accountant was targeted and killed with a poison. His body then taken and buried with the shovel. He then Bush then burnt the burner phone he had used to communicate with Marley to cover up more evidence. The only other thing other than the crown with Wade and Bob nametags left to call out the world's greatest detectives. To dare them to try to come and solve this crime. A shrink ray was used to shrink. The money was put in a freezer, then regrown with a growth ray. My glowing hands were a red herring to point to me. Bob's face was all gross and nasty. Because the culprit is a pervert. Don't you see? It's the perfect crime.

[Host]

Wow. Every piece. Everything put together. So is George Bush the culprit?

[Bob]

George W. Bush is the. Is the perfect criminal.

[Host]

George W. Bush is the perfect criminal.

[Wade]

He's gonna think it. He's gonna do it. Is it senior or junior? I don't even know.

[Host]

I didn't expect you guys to narrow down to an actual suspect, but I love it. So this. This last message might not make sense, but here we go.

[Narrator]

I know this isn't the outcome you wanted, detectives, but the game was great from the start. There was never a world where you could actually solve my crime. It was perfect. For to give you anything less than perfection. Would be a disservice to your skills. I know this burns in your heart. I know you regret the mistakes you've made. And I know you strive for perfection to be me, just as I once did. But I warned you. The road to perfection is long and arduous. If you were to ever attain Perfection. You would become just like me.

[Bob]

I love the image of George W. Bush sitting on a laptop in his ranch as Texas. Just like this is gonna make him so confused.

[Host]

All right, well done. Well done, guys. Well done. You have not quite solved the perfect crime. But, Wade, you got really close. I'm gonna. He's gone.

[Bob]

Well, what the shit happened? He got so mad, he disappeared from existence.

[Wade]

Guys. I did the thing.

[Host]

My microphone. All right, well, the. Wade's almost. The episode's almost over. All right, I guess that. That'll wrap it up. I'll say before we go to the wheels or anything. Well done. That was very experimental. I tried to plan a lot that a few things obviously didn't quite work out. But I think at the end, the objective that I wanted was there, which is you kind of going crazy with clues. I realized that I wasn't smart enough to come up with actually, like a super well written, contrived, perfect crime. So I was like, ah, what if they're both going nuts trying to come up with what the per crime must have been? I think what I should do in the future is because it's kind of like all these things are just things that are kind of random and could point to anything. So why don't I just actually make it random? I'll have locations, I imagine like cards or like clues in the location. It's like a different version of clue. And then people are piecing it together. And then people can play it. It's like they have to make their clues make sense. Or everyone's clues make sense, by the way. So it needs tweaking, though. But this. This acts as a copyright for the perfect crime. No one can take this idea from me. I'm honest. I'll show you.

[Wade]

It was a really fun time. I know I sound like shit, but it was a good time. However, the stress of trying to remember and get all that shit out in under a minute. Fucking.

[Host]

I got to figure out an easier way for you guys to, like, get the. Get the items and all the different things.

[Bob]

But I. I mean, honestly, it does need to be like, cards. That would really help if it was like, I could have a hand of cards and I could put them in an order so that I could be like this one and then this one and then. Because that was. I was not able to remember that many things.

[Host]

Yeah. Yes. No, that would. That would be huge. Yeah.

[Wade]

I have two and a half pages of notes.

[Bob]

I do too. It didn't help.

[Wade]

Well, I had all the clues, like, kind of Together with a little snippet of like what I wanted to put.

[Bob]

But I have a bunch of bullshit scribbles and what it goes on and on.

[Host]

It's a bunch of nonsense, but well done, guys. Yeah, that was super fun. So any. Any bounties, I guess, is being in

[Bob]

the hospital a bounty? That's not a thing, is it?

[Wade]

You know what's really sad is I had one I was going to do, but I didn't actually accomplish it during the episode.

[Bob]

There's a wheel spin thing that's like most recently hospitalized, I think is what I'm thinking of. That's not a bounty.

[Narrator]

Yeah.

[Wade]

I don't know if we want to strive to be the most recent one, though.

[Bob]

Look, if I'm. I want to get paid in. In distracted points if I'm going to have to do it either way.

[Host]

Well, all right. If there's no bounties and we're going to go right to the score. So each of you, basically, I gave you the point for doing the. Don't you see? It's a perfect crime at the end. So you both got seven points from that. You both got a suck ass point. Wait, you got a point for write that down. Which I thought was fine because you wrote down. But then both of you were writing down blueprints. I gave you a point for that when I was first adding points for things like that and there was too much to keep track of. I couldn't add points in the middle of everything.

[Wade]

That was an odd to blueprints. Right? Like.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, it was. It was kind of like the implication

[Wade]

that made me happy.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, so. And then minus one for you missed poison, so that puts you in nine. Bob. You had the eight. Mama schmlk made me laugh real hard. Then unfortunately, you started losing a lot of points. You. You got a hospital point, but you lost a total of 7 points.

[Bob]

That sounds right.

[Host]

For forgotten and items throughout. So you, you netted two points in this game going into the final round.

[Bob]

So really, it's anybody's game.

[Host]

Anybody's game. It is always anybody's game.

[Wade]

Be really sad for me and really funny for the content if golf rules cropped up now.

[Bob]

All right, how many spins will we have?

[Wade]

Just one.

[Bob]

It wants us to do three.

[Host]

All right, three it is. Okay, let's add in. Kissed the judge's ass the most.

[Wade]

Literally or figuratively?

[Bob]

I feel like if you did that literally, you get that, you win that one.

[Host]

Yeah, yeah, that's true.

[Bob]

But I don't think that's Likely to happen.

[Host]

It's figurative until literal.

[Bob]

Spin number one of three. Shall we? Shortest.

[Host]

Wade. Congratulations. You get that point. All right.

[Bob]

It's just winding it up for Golf Rules on the third spin. Spin. Two of three. Come on, baby. Give Wayne some more points. Doing best on New Year's resolutions.

[Host]

How you guys doing on those? Yeah. Wait, how you guys do it?

[Wade]

Not great for me because I have had the knee injury, so I've not been walking.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, I was hospitalized for a foot injury, so the walking thing has been real hit and miss. But I have. I have walked 105 miles so far this year.

[Wade]

I think that beats mine. I'm probably at like 20 something.

[Bob]

And that's only ones where I've officially tracked as a workout.

[Host]

So that goes to Bob number three.

[Bob]

This is where Golf Rules hits or

[Wade]

viewers just give a point to viewers, you know.

[Host]

Oh, ah. TMI point. I don't think anyone's really done anything TMI this episode, so. So let's respin that.

[Wade]

Oh, I need to pee in my balls itch. Is that tmi?

[Bob]

That's a pretty normal amount of eye for this setting here.

[Host]

Best mental image. Okay, so we have.

[Wade]

I have to pee in my balls.

[Host]

No, no, no, no. It was. I'll rank this by the. The other one. I will say, Wade, you had a very concise storytelling. Bob had the gala, had like the, the. The shrinking and growing of the Doors. And there was. There was a lot more. I

[Wade]

better storyteller than me, I would say. He probably created the best imagery.

[Host]

So with that, we have a final score of 10 to 4. Congratulations, Wade. You are the winner of the perfectest crime. What do you have to say?

[Wade]

I don't know what to say. I. Looking back, I don't know when I recorded the going Nuclear episode, but since the middle of May, the. This is only the second time I've won. I've had a hell of a bad streak. But you know what? I'm bald back on top. And I'm going to host the next episode. These things are facts.

[Host]

Couldn't have said it better myself, Bob.

[Bob]

I think the actual perfectest crime that took place here was that Wade won this. And I still think there was something crazy happening with time and time dilation and some bullshit, because I swear to God, I could not have talked faster. And Wade told his story like he was falling asleep the whole time. And I don't understand how you did that. It doesn't make sense metaphysically to me how you did that. It seems like there was Something crazy happening. And I am not going to say the word it triggers the thing, but it just seems crazy.

[Host]

I will admit there was a point point in Wade's stories where I only had, like four boxes checked and he was halfway through his time, and I'm just like, there's no way he'll get this. And then it was just like.

[Bob]

And then he just said, like one sentence where every word was a clue. And then it was like, oh, okay.

[Wade]

I buried the burned body while the money shrunk. Ray Gray freezer.

[Bob]

Here are some things I saw while committing the crime. Drink. Ray. Growth. Ray. Desk. Chair. Body.

[Narrator]

Oh.

[Host]

But anyway, that was very fun. I'm glad that worked. Worked at least somewhat. There's some problems with that. If I ever do this again for the perfect distur crime, and then obviously the perfect dust arrest crime, I will improve upon the formula or do something completely different. Who knows? Maybe I'll. Maybe I'll abandon this completely.

[Wade]

It's very tabletop. Even when you play a tabletop game with very strict rules, there's still times we have rules, interpretations. That's all we had. It was well done, you did a

[Host]

good job, but I hope you all enjoyed it. I. I certainly did. It got. I think it could get even crazier towards the end there if I. If I tweak some things here.

[Wade]

I don't want it to. Man, I got to take Excedrin after this.

[Host]

But thank you all so much for listening and watching. Follow the podcast to stay up to date on all of our episodes and be sure to check out these guys on their various platforms, wherever they may be. Lord Minion 777. Minion 777. Or my skin for Bob over there. Me Markiplier. This has been distractible Podcast out.