Unhappy Birthday

Summary

Distractible: "Unhappy Birthday" (July 6, 2026)

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Episode Overview

In "Unhappy Birthday," Mark, Wade, and Bob dive into the joy and dread of birthdays gone wrong. What starts as the usual Distractible ramble quickly spirals into surreal anecdotes about ruined celebrations, bizarre scams, childhood nostalgia, and a healthy dose of meta-podcast reflection. Points (and bounties!) fly as stories of deflated dreams and mushroom steaks set the tone for this riotously off-kilter episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Introductions and Roles (01:11–02:20)

• Mark introduces himself as "your host, markiplier, here with my greatest friends in the world, Bob and Wade. They're not my best friends, they're my greatest friends."
  • Wade: "Is that better or worse?" (02:20)
  • Bob expands: "You wouldn't say it's my best enemy. You would say my greatest enemy, right?" (02:25)

Celebrity Deathmatch Podcast Fantasy (04:14–05:56)

• Joking about converting the podcast into a battle royale of celebrity guests and their own D&D personas.
• Referencing failed events like DashCon and Fyre Festival and how to trick guests into coming.

Styrofoam Survival & Self-Critique (05:56–07:49)

• Mark suggests a cruel survival scenario where supplies are provided only in Styrofoam.
• The gang discusses hating to watch or listen to themselves: Mark says, "God, I hate me. I can't stand watching myself or listening to myself."

Small Talk or Not? (08:21–08:39)

• Bob offers to skip small talk if there’s a "banger episode," but Mark is eager to riff.
• Sets up the relaxed, improvisational tone that follows.

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Small Talk Section: Bizarre Dreams, Ellen & Onions (08:39–18:07)

Elon Musk’s Bedroom Dream (08:49–09:21)

• Wade recounts a dream: "He was trying to explain to me...The aliens are making me behave this way because we have to concede."

Celebrity Scandal Catch-Up (09:30–12:22)

• Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Phil, and Bernie Madoff are mentioned in context of scandals Wade’s just discovering, emphasizing how little he follows the news.

Living "Under a Rock" Philosophy (12:28–13:01)

• Wade admits: "I really do live under a rock."
• Bob gives Bob a "not under rock point" for awareness of the outside world.

Matrix Steak Scene Digression (13:08–15:27)

• Debates about whether the steak in The Matrix was real or a mushroom because the actor is vegetarian.
• Mark: "I swear to fuck, that's a piece of steak. There's no way in hell they made a piece of mushroom look like that, especially when he's chewing it."

Mushrooms, Onions and Texture Terrors (15:30–17:39)

• Full-throated rants about how portobello mushrooms and onion textures are divisive among the trio.
  • Wade: "I don't. The texture of onions drives me nuts."
  • Bob: "As a texture guy, I love eating onions."

Deck-Box Building and Bird Seed Storage Woes (18:07–21:17)

• Bob shares about building a "coffin-sized" wooden storage box.
• Wade laments the impossibility of creating a raccoon-proof bird seed container; Bob offers to build him an "artisanal bird seed box."

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Hobby Addictions & Scams: Pokémon, Beanie Babies, Scams (21:22–27:01)

Pokémon Card Scamdemonium (22:21–24:56)

• Wade confesses: "I have probably spent close to 9k on Pokémon cards."
• Describes being scammed by a resealed box: "They opened all of the packs in the most perfect, surgical way. Taken out the valuable cards..."

Nostalgia and Collectible Fads (25:48–27:01)

• Laments overgrown adult hobbyists and scalpers ruining kids’ fun with Pokémon cards.
• Discussion about bringing Beanie Babies back and how their generation could orchestrate scams if they wanted.

Birthday Stories: Disaster and Deflation (27:02–36:39)

Bob’s Unhappy Birthday at Cloak (27:15–29:39)

• Bob was sick for his birthday, missing planned surprise celebrations.
• He describes a sagging office filled with deflated balloons, stale Takis, and awkward cake: "...half of them are falling off... half of them are drooped down. The tape has been pulled..."

“Kentucky Sneeze Chicken” (31:07–31:43)

• Wade relives ruining his birthday party by sneezing all over the shared KFC bucket.
• "Everyone is starving... and I sneeze all over the chicken bucket."

Best/Worst Birthdays (32:06–36:39)

• Bob recalls his go-kart 30th birthday ending with a severe butt burn.
• Wade's "birthday" spent stuck in traffic due to a fatal accident: "That whole combination of things was, like, happy birthday."
• Banter about how birthdays during COVID in 2020 became especially memorable for all the wrong reasons.

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Calendar Chaos (36:40–39:17)

• What if the world switched to a 13-month calendar?
• Bob: "Those dates that are cut off are effectively deleted from reality. Those people might snap out of existence if we did that change."
• They riff on fake month names ("New-brewery," "UnDecember," "Maine") and mourn those whose birthdays might be erased.

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Famous Birthday Buddies (39:13–40:18)

• Wade: "They don't list me. Whenever I looked up April 3rd birthdays, they don't list me."
• Bob finds out his own birthday twin includes Elon Musk.

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Gift-Giving Fails (40:22–43:08)

• Bob’s embarrassing story of getting his now-wife the exact same "Orion's Belt" charm bracelet all her exes had—without knowing.

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The U.S. As Seen by World Cup Visitors (43:34–47:44)

• Heartwarming reports from World Cup travelers enjoying American hospitality, food, and McDonalds.
• Bob: "There's just this fresh discourse online of people, of people, non-Americans having that reaction and be like, I thought this place fucking sucked. This is great."

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Weather Woes and Super El Niños (47:44–50:11)

• Talk about natural disasters, heat waves, and the fabled "Super El Niño" and “derechos.”
• Acknowledges their limited expertise but jokes about impending doom.

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Points, Bounties, and Podcast Meta (50:15–end)

Bounty Board: Coin Flip with a Fan (50:24–51:39)

• Bob completes his Bounty by flipping a coin with a fan at Wawa:
  • "The person's name was Rexy. Thank you so much, Rexy, for literally going to the cash register and getting a penny..."

Subreddit Budget and Trophy Ideas (52:00–52:49)

• Discuss official budget spending on a winner’s trophy, debate style, and segment ideas.

Endgame, Points, and Winner’s Speech (54:03–59:43)

• Bob’s coin-flip bounty secures his win. Wade finishes at 9 points vs. Bob's 12.5.
• Bob: "It feels good to win, and it feels really good to get my first bounty under my belt. I want an episode where the only points are Bounty points and I win because I did so many bounties."

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Mark (introducing): "They're not my best friends, they're my greatest friends." (01:17)
• Wade (on living under a rock): "I really do live under a rock." (12:33)
• Mark (Matrix steak scene): "I swear to fuck, that's a piece of steak. There is no way in hell they made a piece of mushroom look like that..." (13:19)
• Bob (on Pokémon scam): "This is some Ocean’s Eleven Pokémon card scam shit." (24:24)
• Wade (“Kentucky Sneeze Chicken”): "I sneezed all over the bucket of chicken. Everyone is starving... Dude, I've never seen such disappointment in my life." (31:07)
• Bob (deflated surprise): "It was really, really... you could tell that the, the energy... energy wasn't there." (29:19)
• Bob (World Cup): "Every American I meet is, like, the nicest person I've ever met. This place is dope. I love McDonalds." (44:43)
• Mark (meta-podcast bit): "Host has a lot of power. Yeah. That loophole might exist. We might have created that." (60:11)

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Important Timestamps

• Intro/Roles: 01:11–02:20
• Toy Story/GMOD/Jokes: 02:23–03:46
• DashCon/Fyre Fest: 04:51–05:56
• Self-Critique: 06:47–07:49
• Weird Dream (Elon): 08:49–09:21
• Matrix Steak: 13:08–15:27
• Pokémon Card Scam: 22:21–24:56
• Kentucky Sneeze Chicken: 31:07–31:43
• Cloak Birthday Disaster: 27:15–29:39
• Bob’s Bounty—Coin Flip: 50:24–51:39
• Winner Declared: 58:37–59:43

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Tone & Final Thoughts

True to Distractible form, "Unhappy Birthday" is a buffet of self-deprecation, meandering digressions, and darkly funny birthday disasters. The trio’s self-mocking and camaraderie remain sharp, even as the episode edges into poignant reflection on missed connections and the weirdness of adulthood. If you’re seeking a pure injection of Distractible’s friend-driven chaos and insight into the art of laughing at disappointment, this episode is essential listening.

Transcript

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[B]

Good evening gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This episode Mushroomy Mark invites Ron Suggest Budget Deathmatch and has a deflating day, Windy Way, despises foam dreams of Elon, gets plundered in Pokemon by X and fouls the fowl Beanie Bob, destroys Ellen's bush, defends Allium Supper, rejects celebrations and burns his buttocks. From the greatest of friends to blasting the bangles, it's time for Unhappy Birthday. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hello and welcome to Distractable, the only podcast that I would recommend if someone asked me what my favorite podcast was named. Distractable. Yes, I'm your host, markiplier, here with my greatest friends in the world, Bob and Wade. They're not my best friends, they're my greatest friends.

[A]

Is that better or worse?

[C]

That's an important and hurtful distinction. Thank you, Mark.

[B]

You wouldn't say it's my best enemy. You would say my greatest enemy, right?

[C]

I don't know if I have a greatest enemy, but syntactically I have to agree with you on that one.

[B]

Yes, you understand the difference, but you do have a greatest friend in me. Just like that guy Ron DeSantis saying in Toy Story, oh, you got a friend. You got the greatest friend in me.

[A]

Ron DeSantis says that.

[C]

Yeah, they actually had Ron DeSantis re record for Toy Story 5. That's a new. It's.

[B]

You know, I think it's working. I think this is progress. It's healing the divide, just like this podcast does every week.

[A]

God, you may want to make jokes, but I can't make the jokes. Try to avoid these jokes.

[B]

What jokes? Come on, make it. You can censor it.

[A]

That's why there's no books in Toy Story. Is that okay?

[C]

Yeah, that's pretty funny.

[A]

Editors make me, like, make me look funnier and more approachable, so it's funny.

[C]

What does that mean?

[B]

I think it means, you know that game there's, like, a GMOD mode where the scary thing is it's a fucking JPEG A squared image coming at you. I think that's you approaching the camera very fast.

[A]

Yeah, that's why there's no books in Toy Story.

[B]

They only need the image. They can work.

[A]

I forgot. They can do it. Fix it in post.

[B]

Anyway, we're off to a riotous start. We're gonna have special guests like Ron DeSantis will be on the podcast as soon as he answers our call. And then equivalently cool guests will be rolling through the door as we change our podcast entirely from a podcast of three friends being idiots to a pure rotating guest interview show.

[A]

What if we have a whole bunch of guests and we just make them all do, like, a Battle Royale type feature every episode and we do nothing?

[C]

I think people would tune in for that.

[B]

Yeah, they would. They would do that. Yeah, I'm sure.

[A]

Ron DeSantis versus Mickey Mouse versus the Evangerous Crew. Is Mickey Mouse a real person?

[C]

No, it's perfect. It's like. It's like a real life version of Celebrity Deathmatch. It's. It's like that, but it's real. That's it. That's the whole idea. Perfect.

[B]

We're going to take the adventurous crew and we're going to have each of their Personas from different campaigns. Not your favorite ones, trust me. Can't afford those guys. Chuckles not going to be in there.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

Cannot afford Chuckles.

[A]

How do we get them? Trick them into. We call it, like, distract. The Markiplier con. When they come for that.

[B]

Thank you for acknowledging.

[A]

What was that? What was the really crappy one with, like, the little ball pit and nothing else?

[C]

Dash Con, maybe.

[A]

I think I was conflating that one with Fire Festival. The name Fire festivals in my brain.

[C]

Those are not similar things at all.

[B]

Yeah. What was the Ball Pit Con?

[C]

The whole ball pit situation was. You get 50. You get five free extra minutes in the ball pit or whatever. The whole thing. That was dashcon, that joke, that meme. It's not a meme. It. It actually happened.

[B]

But that's so funny.

[C]

Fyre Festival was a live music festival that was hosted in kind of part of an island in the Bahamas, if I remember correctly.

[B]

It was no supplies, no nothing. Ex. It was like a luxury experience. They brought them out to this island and they had nothing there.

[C]

They had like a field with, like a FEMA tents in it and, like, some Styrofoam box lunch sandwiches. And it was a whole. It was a whole thing. There's some really great, you know, like, YouTube commentary rundowns of it if you want to learn more. They're all over the place.

[A]

That'd be the cruelest way to kill me on an island. You, like, give me all the supplies I need, but you put them in Styrofoam. So I'm like, guess I'll die.

[B]

Hey, there's a video idea. I'm gonna give you a point because we're gonna do that now. All right. Styrofoam survival.

[C]

This podcast is going to become Mr.

[B]

Beast.

[C]

My friend tries to live on Styrofoam island for one week.

[A]

I don't.

[B]

I'll give you partial credit, Bob. It wasn't your idea. But I feel like you are going to be in on it when we actually do it.

[C]

I'll. I'll be like the one who's on the island secretly to torment Wade.

[B]

I'm going to give you a styro point. Every time there's a styro point, it gives a styro squeak sound effect.

[C]

Great. You can't hear it, but you know that it will be happening. So you could imagine it. Imagine it really vividly.

[B]

When you listen back to the podcast to review it. You'll hear it.

[C]

All those relic you put in and distract people. Darn. You'll suffer.

[A]

I would probably. I rewatched a bunch of our clips, but. God, I hate me. I can't stand watching myself or listening to myself. So I don't like. I like. Oh, man. I love listening to Mark and Bob. Fuck, I'm talking again. Let's skip ahead.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

No, I get that. And not about you. Even though that is funny, but I feel the same way about myself. I can't do it. It would take. After all this time, I don't have you. Do you feel like you're over that, Mark? I feel like you've seen so much of your own, like you did the movie is a whole other level of. You saw yourself from so many angles and doing so much like, are you. Are you still cringed out by yourself?

[B]

No, not at all. No.

[A]

He watches the podcast and takes a Sharpie. He colors over us, so it's just him. And he's like Wolverine holding the photo. Like, God, I love distract applier.

[B]

Listen, I have Sam edit out a separate cut that is just my camera.

[C]

Just Mark.

[B]

And it still changes to the three person there, but it's all me. Every single one of them is just me.

[A]

Seeing me like Mark act like me would be uncomfortable. That would. That would make. He's. We're so different.

[C]

No.

[B]

How? In what way?

[A]

I'm bald or not. I'm an idiot. You're smart.

[C]

All right. Okay.

[B]

I like this. I like this.

[A]

We have different ways of not focusing. I just like, how can I make this into a really funny joke? Wade, what do you think? What are we talking about? Fuck. We just have weird. We're just different.

[C]

Any other differences you want to comment on specifically? Maybe one that'll lose you points?

[A]

Nope, not today.

[C]

At least I could feel better about myself if I lose while Wade is trying to win.

[B]

All right, so what we usually do at this juncture is we go into small talk. Would you guys like to do that, or would you like to skip the small talk?

[C]

If you're saying you have an absolute banger episode and you don't want to waste all the time on small talk, I'm okay with that.

[A]

But I would love to do some small talk.

[B]

Okay, good. All right. Good, good, good.

[A]

We're recording this later in the evening, the next day than we usually record. Because I had to cancel yesterday. We hopped into a call because, as you guys know, I was like, I

[B]

got the renewal again.

[A]

But after, we. After, we're like, yeah, we can reschedule. I was like, man, I had some really good small talk for today, too. And I only remember one of my small talks. And that's the weird dream I had about being in Elon Musk's bedroom where he had a comforter that was white and gold, like, embroidered, that had his name at the feet.

[C]

It's a really good small talk.

[A]

Yeah. But it was weird because, like, he was trying to explain to me. He's like, I'm not really the way you think I am. The aliens are making me behave this way because we have to concede. Like, he was, like, convincing me that aliens were in control of everything. It was a weird dream.

[B]

Oh, it was a dream. I thought this was real. You know, I missed that part.

[A]

Yeah, I was in Elon's house yesterday. I'm a big Elon guy.

[C]

Look, if it's going to end, let it end. All right?

[B]

I can understand that.

[C]

You call for a moment. He's, like, the only one who understands. I styled my entire existence after Ellen. Okay? It is Ellen Musk. I'm a huge DeGeneres fan.

[B]

I mean, who is in these days? Is Ellen DeGeneres still doing things? I can't even remember.

[C]

Didn't it turn out she was, like, a crazy monster who was really mean to everyone who worked for her? And it was a whole. And then she got, like, canceled off the everything. Now she just shows up at the super bowl sitting next to George Bush for some reason.

[A]

Is that true? I don't. You just made a lot of statements I'd never heard.

[C]

It was like a picture that went around. I have no idea the context at all. I just know that that picture does exist. And it was like, I don't know if it was in the Super Bowl. It's like a big football game or something. And it was Ella DeGeneres sitting next to George Bush, and my brain was like, whoa, Whoa. Is it 2004 already? Whoa.

[B]

Yeah. So way to catch you up on this. Actually, should we tell him the guy

[A]

sitting in front of Ellen in this picture is the guy who, like, welcomes people to the hall of fame. That's kind of fun.

[C]

The guy, the big guy who wears the. Who goes around and tells people they got in, makes them cry on TV.

[B]

You know what's funny? If you go to Ellen DeGeneres Wikipedia page, there is no mention of any controversies at all.

[C]

Oh, I guess I must have hallucinated that.

[B]

Oh, no, wait, there's something. Okay. Ah, allegations of onset bullying in retirement.

[A]

Oh, I thought a lot of the daytime TV just kind of, like, died from content platforms. That people hated us because of that.

[C]

Like, I think her show kind of went down with her. But I do think daytime TV is not in a great place right now.

[A]

Doesn't Dr. Phil have a whole bunch of, like, crazy stuff going on right now? To Dr. Phil, the face you made. I feel like I sinned. I'm sorry.

[B]

I mean, if you. If you don't know how Dr. Phil is in recent years.

[A]

No, I don't.

[B]

I know you're under a rock for most of things, and I am, too. But, like, you don't know.

[A]

No, the last time I saw Dr. Phil, he was in, like, Scary Movie 13 cutting off Shaq's leg or something. I don't know.

[C]

That's like scary movie three, wasn't it?

[B]

He was in four, which is.

[C]

Yeah, not as good because Dr. Phil was in it.

[A]

I didn't know he had a last name. Apparently, he has a last name. McGraw. I didn't know that either. I'm learning things today.

[C]

It's not that same extent, but this is like that bit from the Kono o' Brien podcast where the guy is like, what Financier? Jeff Epstein.

[B]

What have you seen? Have you seen that bit, Wade?

[A]

No, I don't. I live under.

[B]

There's. Yeah, everyone's. Conan's trying to tell us what guys like, yeah, disgraced financier had an island, like, just sex trafficking. He's dead also, just like you're telling me. No way are we talking about the same guy.

[C]

My friend, my good friend, Jeff Epstein. You're talking. You're talking about somebody else. No, you guys are mixed up, man. That's good. Good joke, Conan. Good prank. He got me, dude.

[A]

I just learned about Bernie Madoff, like, a month ago. I'm so behind on these things. At least we still have Enron, right?

[B]

You still got that stuck?

[C]

Those certificates sitting in your bank vault are definitely going to pay off.

[A]

I really do live under a rock.

[B]

Yeah, but that's why we're here, to try to get you out from under that rock.

[A]

I don't know. I feel like I'm usually happier under the rock.

[C]

Under Rock is underrated.

[A]

Like, I feel like Squidward's person who knows a lot. Patrick lives under a rock, and I. I'd much rather be like Patrick.

[C]

I think the only thing about Under Rock is you have to. You have to be kind of lucky and have a little privilege to be able to exist under rock. Not everyone gets to do that, so.

[A]

Well, now I feel guilty about living under my rock, but I really like my rock.

[C]

No, look, enjoy it. I'm not trying to guilt you.

[A]

That's fair.

[B]

I did give Bob a not under rock point. So. For exposing himself to the dangers and horrors that are outside of the rock.

[A]

I don't want to do that anymore. Ignorance is such bliss. If there's one thing I've learned, knowledge is suck. I just want to eat my steak. At least I know that reference. Guys, I know that reference.

[C]

You know that reference from 1999. God damn, he's bald.

[A]

He likes steak.

[C]

You identified with him and you didn't understand why until you, too, were bald.

[A]

I know. I was like, I hate this guy. Then I lost my hair. I was like, I love this guy.

[B]

I. I have something about that scene that I have to ask you guys, because it's. It's been said since that movie that that guy, the actor who did that scene, is, like, a strict vegetarian. And in that scene, he actually ate a mushroom. And I had to go back to that scene, and I'm like. I'm looking at the piece of meat, quote, unquote, on his fork, and I'm like, I swear to fuck, that's a piece of steak. There is no way in hell they made a piece of mushroom look like that. Especially when he's chewing it. It's on the fork. I don't believe that it's a mushroom.

[C]

The shot where he has it, because he has the fork upside down and he's holding it, and there's, like, a very tight shot of a huge fucking hunk of steak. I've heard multiple different things. The. I've heard that, like, he just really didn't like steak. And that was the scene. And so he just did it and he had. He was, like, forcing himself to eat. It was like, steak. I heard he was, like, a vegetarian or V. I don't know what the truth is, but I've heard lots of rumors that that whole scene for the people on set was, like, kind of funny, kind of up, because that dude did not want to eat that steak at all. And the whole. The whole dialogue was about how much the steak was delicious.

[A]

He should have won an award for being the guy who, like, betrayed all of his friends for a steak he

[C]

didn't even want the Golden Globe for. Willing to do the most to sacrifice their personal values just to be in a movie. Goes to that guy.

[A]

This says that he spat the stake out between takes, but for wider shots, they had the mushroom steak.

[C]

Look, props people can do some seriously fucking magic bullshit. So, like, I wouldn't be surprised if it was just mushrooms and they just did some. Some magic shit to it.

[B]

No, see, that's what I don't believe. I would love to see a video of some prop food person that actually made a mushroom look like that. Because that looked like the tastiest steak I've ever had in my life. I would ever have in my life.

[A]

Maybe we've been doing it all wrong. Maybe we just want mushrooms, Mark.

[B]

Maybe I. You know, I've seen some mushroom burgers. I've seen stuff like that, but usually it's minced or it's like a whole portobello. It's like, I don't think people need

[C]

to back off on the whole portabill. Like, oh, it's approximately the size of a burger patty. So is a very small cow pie. I do not want either of those things on a burger bun. I like mushrooms, but one whole fucking Portobello grilled up and shoved in a burger bun is not a burger. It's gross. It's also not a pizza crust, pizza people. Oh, it's just like, a little personal pizza. No, it's not. It's like a huge fucking chewy ass gross mushroom with cheese melted on it for some reason.

[B]

You're speaking my language. I'm not a mushroom guy. Don't like the texture. Love the flavor in other things. I can't deal with the texture and the knowledge that I'm eating a mushroom. Right.

[A]

I'm like that with onions.

[B]

Okay, well, okay. Come on. Onions are great.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Mushrooms is, like, one of my favorite things to eat, but not that. That's an abomination. And did you say you don't like onion?

[A]

I don't. The texture of onions drives me nuts. But I like onion flavor. Like onion powders and stuff.

[C]

Like what you like. Don't like what you don't like, but onions are delicious, and that's a tragedy. Got to get those onions in there. That's the base of flavor. That's where the flavor is.

[B]

As a texture guy, I love eating onions. I do. I. We did an Unus video where it's like, we bought, like, way too many onions.

[C]

That is one of my favorite Unus Annus videos that lives in my head. Just you guys fucking calling each facetiming each other back and forth with your huge stupid bowls of onions.

[B]

Both of you just be like, oh. Oh, God. I thought it would destroy my body. I was fine. Completely fine. So I was like, oh, this is going to. I'm going to pay for this tomorrow. So fine. Not an issue at all.

[C]

That is surprising. I didn't. I assumed it was bad.

[B]

No, no, it was. It was a. Okay. I was good to go.

[C]

Did your whole house just, like, smell like onions for a month or anything crazy?

[B]

Yes, that did. Yeah, that was a thing. But at least it wasn't pure garlic. I feel like if I just tried to fry garlic.

[C]

Oh, God, that would be tough.

[B]

All right, everyone got their small talk out.

[A]

I might have to have knee surgery.

[C]

You'll be fine.

[A]

Well, okay, so by the time this episode airs, I'll hopefully have the results of the MRI I'm having tomorrow, which Is a weird thing to say.

[C]

You will been having had to have knee surgery.

[A]

Well, at least I'll have the MRI done. But the theory is a meniscus tear, partial tear.

[B]

Right now I will give you a conditional point where if it is bad and you need to get surgery for it, I will give you a point. For now, this is a conditional point.

[C]

This past weekend I was a man again.

[B]

Oh my God. You get a man point.

[A]

Oh my God. Another baby.

[C]

Different kind of man. My brother in law and I built a box coffin. It's basically coffin sized. Yes, it's a. It's a deck bot. You'll see it, Wade, when you come over on Saturday.

[A]

Is that why I'm invited over?

[C]

Not for you. Not for you. Not for you. You're gonna see it, Wade. We'll see what the. We'll see what the MRI says. But no, it's a. It's like a deck box for the backyard to go by the pool. And it's like a. Fuck. It's one of those projects where we built like a frame and then we covered the outside of the frame, then we put the bottom. Then we put a lid on it. And at each frame, including the frame phase. At each phase we like put. Had it assembled and we're like, ah, that step is done. And then we like turned it or whatever to work on it and we picked. Picked it up together and we're like, oh, that's getting kind of heavy. Like oh shit. And at the. When we finish it, it's the fucking heaviest, meatiest box made of mostly just pressure treated wood.

[A]

What are you putting in it?

[C]

Like pool noodles and floaties and I'll just. It's sort of like shit to go in the backyard that needs to go with the pool. Like pool chemicals and the pool cleaner guy thing that you toss in there that sucks up all the dirt off the bottom and.

[A]

Can I hire you to make something for me?

[C]

Well, the second half of the story is it was really fucking hot and I almost died. But maybe if you. If you can hire me to do it. Not when it's 96 degrees and 90% humidity outside rush.

[A]

But we'll pick it up Saturday.

[C]

You climb in your coffin, I'll load your. I'll load your box in your car. Whatever you need, man.

[A]

One of the things I've struggled to find. Molly likes having bird feeders out. She likes watching the birds eat different bird seed and stuff. Finding a box to store bird seed in is actually fucking difficult because we don't want to Just like in our garage. Because then, like, mice and shit want to get into it. So it attracts things in your garage. But like, finding any kind of, like, storage container that keeps out, like, insects and mice. Or like, if you get like, one of the plastic containers, like we've had raccoons just tear into them and destroy it to get to it. In your garage, though, not in the garage. We were trying to find one, like, for the back deck just to keep it outside, like by the bird feeders in the garage. We could probably have pretty much anything. But.

[C]

Yeah, well, I could tell you the best case for that is look for large dog food plastic containers. But I could build you, like, a surround for that so that it's like a hardwood box with a plastic tub inside so that it has an airtight seal. But also it looks nicer and raccoons can't tear into it.

[A]

I'm going to forget this, but if one of us remembers, we should talk about it Saturday.

[C]

I'll build you an artisanal bird seed box. I think if I do that, that's going to have to be like, a bounty, though. Like, I'll film it and that'll be a bounty for the show because I'm

[A]

just going to pay you for it. But yeah, sure, if you'd rather have points. I mean, sure, we're going to have

[B]

to put some input ourselves into the bounties because maybe also, like, instead of just adding of the wheel, the host needs to add a bounty. I feel like we. We're obligated to do something like that.

[C]

You don't. You don't like the options that were accumulating?

[B]

No, no, they're good options, but it's like, yeah, I would love you to be able to build something like that, but it's like the audience isn't going to agree to that. There's no way. We got to make it official. We got to have an official pipeline.

[C]

Oh, I don't care. They don't. This isn't a democracy. That was a lie. The Constitution is meaningless.

[B]

That was a lie.

[A]

I agree with that. Obligations on the host, man. Hold on. Where's my veto stick? Obligations? Hold on.

[B]

There's no veto. Where did you get this idea that there was a veto stick? There's no veto stick. You come out of the Constitution episodes with this strange idea that was never talked about in the entire episode.

[C]

Suddenly you're like, it's because he just sits there while. While you and I are talking about what's actually happening, and he's like, we should have a veto stick.

[A]

I've had this napkin for at least three seconds now. I've just been waiting to use it.

[B]

Yeah, but you could say these ideas in the Constitution episodes, but you don't. You just say like, I don't like that one. I don't like that one. And then if you have, I could be about the veto stick. But it's also like the veto I concept is also in this thing, you know?

[A]

Yeah, but I know how chance works. I've started by dude, do you know what I've spent on Pokemon cards? Do you know how rare it is to get, like, a really good hit on Pokemon cards? I know I've learned the gambler's life, but I need to get out.

[B]

Or you could become more addicted to it. What if we had rare coins?

[C]

I think it might be one of those cases where the only way out is through.

[A]

I have probably spent close to 9k on Pokemon cards.

[C]

What's that, like six Pokemon cards these days?

[A]

Yes, I have bought six cards.

[B]

Well, it's gonna pay in dividends, right? It's gonna pay money back.

[A]

I got scammed in one. I got scammed once.

[C]

Oh, you got Pokemon scammed?

[A]

A box was verified, shipped to us, and I opened it up and someone had like, surgically taken the box and opened it and perfectly resealed it. But they opened all of the packs in, like, the most perfect, like, surgical way. Taken out the valuable cards. They were filled with nothing but shit. It was just like, awful. Like, valueless. Like, here's your online card everyone throws away. Here's all these commons that no one wants. And like, all what was like 10 packs in the thing were all replaced with shitty cards. I'd already gotten rid of the box because I was stupid. And it's like, oh, go ahead and recycle Recycling days. I got rid of the box. So whenever I message him, I was like, hey, I know I'm probably not going to get a refund for this, but at least don't buy from the seller. They're like, do you have proof? I was like, well, no, but I'm not even asking for a refund. I'm just telling you, like, this guy is going to scam. Well, we can't stop unless you have proof.

[C]

They don't want to stop. You should coffeezilla them, bro.

[B]

If only you had a platform where you could say their name.

[A]

I don't know their name because it was like, anonymous. It was through a third party site. I gave them the number of the on the box. I was like, okay, they'll probably track it. They'll know and they know who they got it from, even though I don't know. So I was like, you can stop this. I can't without the proof.

[B]

How do you know that the people you bought it from didn't do it?

[A]

I don't put them on blast, but this was Stock X.

[C]

My initial instinct was whatever third party touched this might have totally been been in on the situation.

[A]

They seem like a pretty big site, so that'd be a weird one for them to put them neck on the line for. But someone in their employee could have done it.

[B]

If StockX is one of those big websites that does a lot of those kind of things, it's kind of like a more organized ebay or maybe less organized. So really it's just like they do verification, but there's always a chance someone doing the verification doesn't know.

[A]

So this was professionally done?

[B]

I guarantee you that thing was already tampered with when they got. They looked at it, was like, seems good. And then passed it along to you.

[C]

This is some Ocean's Eleven Pokemon card scam shit.

[A]

The way this was opened recently. Like, even whenever I was like, I was looking at this, the cards knowing I got scanned, that I was like, man, this is so good. Am I scammed? Maybe this is just really bad luck. Is this like the opposite of a God pack that I get?

[C]

A turd pack?

[A]

Like, is that possible? Then they were all turds and it's like, well, that's probably unlikely, but it was. It was professionally. I was professionally scammed.

[B]

Yeah. That's why you should never buy anything like that. Not in person.

[A]

Thank God I don't have more orders already purchased on the way, but I've not bought any since. Oops.

[C]

Lesson learned. Almost in time is why I don't get hobbies.

[A]

I don't dip my toe. I dive in and fucking.

[B]

I'm like, I mean, that's man. Pokemon card. I don't get it. I've never been a Pokemon fan, but it's like that whole thing where the value of them has exploded in the way that it is. I don't understand.

[A]

One of my first packs, I pulled

[B]

a 340 card, and then the addiction started and I couldn't get away from it. Right.

[C]

I think I'm pretty with you, Mark. I, like, intellectually, I understand why those cards sell for the amounts they sell for, but on like, a personal level, I just can't fathom why that's the Case. And that's the world that we live in. Because I get that investments are very speculative, and there's a whole world of investing and, like, you have shit like Kalshee and speculative markets and whatever, but Pokemon cards especially, it's like, it's kids. Can't we just let kids play with those? Like, they're fun.

[A]

I would love for scalpers not to ruin everything.

[C]

They're great. Why can't we just let kids buy those packs for, like, three bucks at the. At the store and go home and open like, oh, I got a Pikachu.

[A]

You know what? I want to bring back Beanie bit. Can we bring back Beanie Babies? Can we make Beanie Babies popular again?

[C]

Mandy's mom saved her extensive collection of Beanie Babies, and we've been doling them out to James. And some classics for my youth have resurfaced, and it's still. It's awesome. He has the parrot and he has the frog.

[A]

Yeah. Legs. Is it legs?

[C]

The frog, yeah. And the rainbow caterpillar, which was one of my personal favorites as a kid.

[A]

I want to bring. I want Beanie Babies to be popular again.

[B]

I don't think it's going to happen, but it could maybe. We could do a lot of scams. We scam.

[C]

We could buy a Beanie Baby theater.

[A]

We open a card shop with me.

[B]

We collectively could do a lot of damage in the world if we wanted to. Right?

[A]

Chat. Viewers, Listeners. Audience. Esteemed guests. Do you guys want us to. What scam do you want us to pull? We.

[B]

We could turn evil, and we could do so much. I'm bald.

[A]

I'm halfway there. I've.

[B]

I've constantly tried to make episodes where it's like, how do we make money fast and get evil quick? And I'm like, man, that could be this episode.

[C]

That is the end of my small talk.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I was a man. It was really hot. We built a box.

[B]

Well, I was sick. I was sick on my birthday. My birthday.

[A]

You mean Bob and Mandy's anniversary? You were sick on their anniversary?

[C]

Whoa, whoa. It's his birthday.

[A]

First chronologically. But, like, we're leveling importance.

[C]

Don't do that.

[B]

I just want to know if you guys have had any disappointing birthdays, because I gotta tell you, I had everything planned. Everything was so good. It was so sad because, like, the people at Cloak were planning me, like, a birthday surprise.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I couldn't show up on Monday because I was sick, and then I didn't show up on Tuesday because I was still sick. And I showed up this morning and it was such an under. Like, not for them, but it's like clearly this had been sitting there a while. And let me tell you, it's like they. I didn't tell them that I was showing up. So it was like one of them was writing, like, oh, wait. And then they went into my office and they.

[A]

Something.

[B]

They came back out and I'm like, oh, yeah, I gotta film this. Like, no, you. Well, you. It was awkward like there. But yeah, go ahead. And I go in there with my phone. I'm like, all right, here I go. And I open the door and I see there's a GoPro on there filming me.

[C]

I'm like, oh. Ah.

[B]

And I look around and it was. It's decorations that were clearly put up over the weekend. And there's bags of Takis, like from the roof.

[C]

It's very nice.

[A]

It was very sweet.

[B]

There's faces of me. Half of them are falling off. Half of them are trooped down. The tape has been pulled.

[A]

One of the bags actually just like

[B]

was on my desk just falling over. The string flopped over the side.

[A]

And I looked around. There's just balloons, kind of like half post apocalyptic birthday.

[C]

It was lovely.

[B]

It was really lovely. But it's like, man, oh man, what a. What an. And then like they bring out the cake and they're like, happy birthday. And I'm masked up the officer, so I don't, you know, it's not on anyone. I don't think of contagious business like a mess up anyway. And then they're like, they bring out the thing. They light the candles and they hand me a plate and being like, don't blow on it.

[A]

And I'm like, I wasn't gonna.

[B]

They hand me a paper plate so I could wave it on. The birthday candles.

[C]

Yeah. So I did.

[B]

And I did it in one shot.

[C]

I got them all out.

[B]

But it was really, really. You could tell that the. The energy. Energy wasn't there.

[A]

As much as it could be.

[C]

Those decorations are designed to be up on the wall for like an hour tops. There are limits. And that's just really unfortunate timing. But yeah, yeah, I'm.

[B]

I'm painting a much worse picture than it was because I think it was only a couple things that were slightly down.

[A]

But then I'm picturing Leon going back to Raccoon City and seeing like, welcome Leon all over the ground. One of the employees is dead, wearing a party hat. So. Happy birthday. Markiplier Dead place is de a corner

[C]

when Mark's not around, who knows what happens?

[B]

I just want to hear about disappointing birthdays. If you don't have any. I'm sure you know of someone that's

[A]

had the worst birthday I have a worst birthday for. Not me, but it was my birthday. I don't remember how old I was. It was probably early high school. Probably, like, 9th or 10th grade. Friends and I went out to, like. We used to have, like, a neighborhood basketball court and pools. We went out, we played basketball, swim in the pool a bit. And we came back. We hadn't eaten all day. We were starving. We had kfc, I think, because we had so many people. We just did, like, a k. Like, I was gonna do my. My birthday dinner. Like, my favorite meal. A different day. Because it was a lot more in depth than just getting, like, food for a bunch of people. So we had, like, kfc. Everyone's like, all right, it's your birthday. You. You get yours first, birthday boy. And I had an unexpected sneeze while filling my plate. I sneezed all over the bucket of chicken. Everyone is starving. They're standing behind me with their plates out. And I sneeze all over the chicken bucket. And one of my friends just puts his plate down and sits down. And you'd think, like, he just lost a family member. Dude, I've never seen such disappointment in my life.

[B]

I'm calling this point Kentucky Sneeze Chicken.

[A]

It was. It's really funny in hindsight, but everyone but me was so just, like.

[B]

Like, didn't even cover. How old were you? What was this?

[A]

Ninth grade. It was one of those, like, you don't even feel coming on. It was just like. Like, I'm gonna butcher.

[B]

Like, just.

[A]

Just hit.

[B]

I've never had that.

[C]

Yeah, I've definitely had ones where I, like, barely got away or I. You, like, I dove out of the way. It was like, into my shoulder or so I've never. Just straight up and, like, right onto something. Like a huge plate of food for the whole party or something.

[A]

It was really good. It was good chicken for me.

[C]

Yeah. Did you eat it all, or how'd that.

[A]

I ate a lot. No one else. I guess everyone else was too picky of an eater or something.

[B]

It's really only on the top layer. You just gotta, like, carve that down, get to the bottom pieces. Yeah. Except you. You reached all the way down to the bottom for your piece.

[A]

I, like, knees done. My hand then reached at the bottom. It's like, here, you guys get the rest. That's the first one that comes to mind.

[B]

Bob, any disappointing or underwhelming birthdays.

[C]

Just gonna be myself and be a jerk and say, my birthday has never been a thing. I was that into, like. Nothing stands out as, like horrendous birthdays. I had probably the biggest swing in birthdays between my 30th and 31st birthdays in terms of what was happening. You were at my 30th birthday. Both of you guys were. It was very fun. Sat in California. We did the go karts.

[A]

I was not there.

[C]

Weren't you there?

[A]

I didn't make it for that one.

[C]

I have a memory of you being there. I guess Mark was. Mark's there.

[A]

I think he drove up. I think Ryan and stuff were there. I can't remember why we couldn't make it.

[C]

Yeah, I remember Ryan and Johan. Anyway, like, lots of people showed up. Mandy put on a big thing for my 30th. It was. It was very fun. I had a huge burn on my ass because one of the go karts I drove at that place, the seat was broken and I was basically. My butt was against the engine the whole time I was driving. So I literally had a burn on the side of my ass cheek for like six months after that because it was really deep and really bad. Worth it. Didn't care. It was awesome. It was really bad. It was. It looked like. It looked gross for a while. Like, I was. I went to the doctor. They're kind of like, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, look, man, am I gonna live or what? He's like, yeah, just cover that up. God, it's nasty. But anyway, so that was. My 30th birthday was in October of 2019. And then my 31st birthday was in October of 2020. I don't remember the exact circumstances of why, but I don't seem to recall hanging out with anybody or seeing any other human beings in person for what felt like months before. And after that birthday. Just a real big swing from, like my best birthday I've ever had on my 30th to October 2020 birthday. But so it goes, you know, I

[A]

think I had Covid on my birthday in 2020. I think Molly and I were flying back from Arizona and we barely got one of the last flights before they kind of like shut everything down. Yeah, I think whenever we got home, we were both like, I don't feel so good. We had like a bunch. We had like a stack of those take home Covid tests and we both took one or whatever.

[C]

And we're like, dude, we also got fucking stuck in Santa Fe at the start of COVID and he had a work thing that. Where it was like she had to go to a conference or something. And we were like, oh, we could go to Santa Fe. We've never been there. It seems supposed to be really beautiful. There's like, you know, there's the.

[A]

Was it actually though, it's.

[C]

It's cool. Santa Fe is a very interesting place. It's in like what's. It's in the high desert technically or whatever. It was cold because it was in the end of February of 2020. But we like did it and it was nice and we were friends with people that she worked with, so she did her work stuff. But then we hung out with her work colleagues after hours sort of, and we had some good. Went out for some fun dinners. It was very cool. But it was literally like we flew home from that. And then the next day Covid started. If it had been a week later, I think I don't know what would have happened, but we would have been fucking stranded in Santa Fe or something, which is like not close to where we were living in the. In the San Francisco area at that time.

[A]

That time period feels like such a fever dream.

[C]

You guys ever go back and watch Bo Burnham inside and be like, whoa,

[A]

I've still never seen it at all.

[C]

It's such a, like time capsule. And for me it was like such an accurate representation of the, like, the way Covid felt as it sort of went on. It's weird to go back and watch it now because it's like a.

[B]

It's like a flashback.

[C]

Like, it's like a weird trauma flashback thing, but also it's very funny.

[A]

I want to check it out at some point. I keep hearing. I have heard a lot of the songs, but no, I've never actually seen it.

[C]

The songs are most of it. If you've heard the songs, like, you've. You kind of get the idea.

[A]

But this year I spent my entire birthday driving back from Atlanta and there was a really, really bad accident on 75 down near Atlanta, Georgia that caused us like a three hour delay. A bunch of people got like hurt semis flipped over. To think people died and we were stuck in that kind of traffic and stuff. And that whole combination of things was like, happy birthday.

[B]

Sorry, I'm not laughing at you. Just said like, crash, car crash, people died. I just imagined you in there surrounded by death and mayhem, being like, I didn't even know. It's my Birthday. What the hell?

[A]

That was a terrible surprise.

[C]

How are these gonna. How are these guys gonna crash cars on my birthday?

[B]

You drive by the ambulance. Yeah, thanks, asshole. It's my birthday.

[A]

Who caused this? Who caused this? They just point to a body bag. I flip it off. It's really fucked up.

[C]

Yeah. Why would you do that, man? God.

[B]

Jeez. And this crazy thought. You know how some people say, like, we should be on a 13 month thing? Like it should be 13 months and this should be 28 days in a month because it would all line up or something like that.

[C]

Yeah. So that the calendar is more like even. And.

[B]

Yeah, what would happen to the people whose birthdays got expunged?

[C]

Oh, fuck those guys.

[A]

Wouldn't everyone's birthday be different?

[C]

October 18th would still be October 18th. I mean, it's.

[A]

Whatever. Well, no, wouldn't you technically shift? Because if you were born like January 1st, the 21st 8th, you'd be the same.

[C]

No, that's what I'm saying is you don't do that. You don't do that.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Those dates that are cut off are effectively deleted from reality. Those people might snap out of existence if we did that change. But that's how it should be.

[B]

What if you pick your own new birthday in the new mystery month? Like there's a 13th month now and then you get to have a special birthday.

[C]

I'm assuming this change is 13 month calendar change is in. In accompaniment with some sort of revelatory societal change. You could call it your rebirth day. Right. Because you're being reborn into the new Republic with 13 months and it's led by, I don't know, the high priest or whatever. Some. Whatever.

[A]

Here's the worst birthday day before your birthday, the rebirth happens and you're like, by the way, your birthday is no longer tomorrow. And it's like. But I had this whole not your birthday anymore.

[C]

I mean, you could still pick tomorrow. It would just be your rebirthday and you'd have to get it approved by the city council, slash, High Priestess. But like your birthday approved. But, you know, here's the paperwork.

[A]

Can I please have. 3rd of June's a bit busy. Sorry.

[C]

Well, I do feel like if we're going to reassign a bunch of people, you have to pick in the new month.

[B]

Yeah. What. What is even the new month called?

[C]

I'm pretty sure it'd be called New Brewery.

[A]

So you go from like January 30th to 3rd. You were 13th. U worry.

[B]

Okay, this is. I look on Wikipedia, it says it's Un December. Not December. Un December.

[C]

Mine. Mine are way better. New Tober.

[B]

What's your birthday?

[C]

3rd of un.

[B]

December.

[A]

Or just like Maine or Maine's estate.

[B]

Maine.

[A]

You know, call it Maine. The 4th of Maine. I got four hours of sleep.

[C]

People who have birthdays on Main 4th who live anywhere near 4th street in,

[A]

oh, it's like May. That's why I thought, okay, I feel a little bit better. I was like, man, Maine really feels. Feels like a month. You guys know I share a birthday with Eddie Murphy, Marlon Brando, Alec Baldwin, Coby Smulders. They don't list me. Whenever I looked up April 3rd birthdays, they don't list me.

[B]

I share a birthday with Elon Musk.

[A]

I dreamed of him. Or it was real, I guess. I don't know anymore.

[C]

Guys, I share a birthday with Abraham Von Riebeeck. He was governor general of the Dutch East Indies from 1709 to 1713. So that's not great.

[A]

Amanda Bynes. Jane Goodall.

[B]

Wait, my fucking birthday is so strange. I share a birthday with someone named Kyler Emery. Elon Musk. Me. Henry VIII of England, Mel Brooks. And it's just like, oh, wait, what the fuck? Why is. Anyway, why is Henry VIII the fourth most famous birthday for June 20th?

[C]

Oh. Zac Efron. So our mom Donnie's birthday is October 18th. What a random thing.

[A]

Is it bad that first on famous birthdays, they list me as the second most famous birthday with the first name Wade? Wade's not even actually my first name.

[B]

All right, okay. We're reeling this episode a little bit. Let's shift gears since we got. We're running out of birthday things. What other random bullshit can make me laugh? I'm sick. That was my other thought, is I'm sick. Make me. Tell me fun stories.

[C]

Look, I had another birthday. It wasn't mine, but it was my fault. So when Mandy and I got together, I honestly don't remember the full context, but we were looking at, like, stars in the sky. Like, we're just hanging out, talking, and we're, like, picked out Orion's belt in the sky. I believe Mandy did. And I didn't really know much. I still don't really know too much about, like, constellations. But she picked that out and we talked about it. It was like, oh, that's Orion's belt. And it became kind of a thing. I'm like, oh, look, Orion's belt. Which we still do on occasion. And so for the first birthday that she had while we were together, her birthday's on Christmas Eve, December 24th. I was like, I know what I'll do. This will be a great idea. I'll get her a charm bracelet, and I'll get three star charms, and it'll be like Orion's belt. And that's really cute because that's a thing we do.

[B]

Great.

[C]

This will be a great new boyfriend birthday present. And I gave it to her, and she was very polite about it, but her reaction was clearly kind of like, oh, cool. And, like, I wasn't too torn up because I'm not a very good gift giver, but I'm aware of that. So I was like, yeah, maybe it's not as good as I thought. But we talked about it, and I was like, you didn't seem to like your thing. Like, I can exchange it. Like, I'm not. If you. There's a better present. I'd rather get you something you like. And she's like, oh, no, it's nice. I just already have, like, three of these. I was like, that's weird. Not for me. She's like, oh, yeah. Like, several other guys I dated before we got together, we sort of did the Orion's belt thing, and they thought it would be a cute idea. So I, like. I have a. I have a bunch of these already.

[A]

She opens a drawer, there's just, like, falling out bracelets.

[C]

I was like, oh, that makes sense why you would kind of have a weird reaction to that. That's a lot. That makes a lot of sense. In the. She was very nice about it. Obviously things panned out, but that was. I don't even think she was that upset, but that was really awkward because she had to be like, oh, you know, all those other guys I dated, they had the exact same idea, and I'm pretty sure some of theirs were way nicer than those one you got me.

[A]

So I just love that you all have the same through thread of. Yeah, the thing we do is we look for Orion's belt, just like with Chad and Tom and Michael.

[C]

Never occurred to me that she was setting that up with. It was like a test with every guy that she was with. Look, Orion's belt. Like, see what. See how he reacts when you point out Orion's belt. They all did it wrong.

[B]

Yeah, yours was the best belt.

[C]

She got me a gift that I still wear and use, which was. I don't have it on right now, actually, but it's a ring that I still wear frequently and have worn, like, since she gave it to me. And it's very nice, and I Got her a thing that I'm pretty sure she threw away at some point in the next three months because she already had one, and she probably couldn't tell the difference and was like, oh, I should keep the one from Bob. I'll keep this one.

[A]

Takes the drawer, dumps it into a bag. One of these. That's probably the one.

[C]

Some Goodwill somewhere in Cincinnati has slept, like, 19 charm bracelets with three stars on them. It worked out. It's fine.

[B]

So I got you a point for that. Anything else you guys got? What's going on, man? What's going on in the world? No, not like that.

[C]

No. No.

[A]

Oh, okay. I was like, what's wrong?

[B]

Am I ugly? Yeah. Wait, what going. What the Is going on with you, man?

[A]

Oh, a lot, man.

[B]

I don't know if you've looked at the scoreboard lately, but come on.

[C]

Look, this is not going to be freshly topical by the time this episode comes out, but it's still happening. The World cup has been happening.

[A]

US is playing as we speak, I think.

[C]

Can I just say how, like, delightful it's been to see a bunch of people from other countries around the world coming to the US and fully expecting it to be some, like, shithole hellscape filled with assholes that they just wanted to leave. Like, they all have, like, everyone has these expectations that are formed just like we do, right, of other countries that are formed largely by life, like the news and movies and tv, like, media that you watch. And none of that is good at creating an accurate idea of what another place is going to be. And I feel like there's been certain people bitching about stuff and, like, whatever, but there's been a rush of people who are just like, oh, my God, you guys, America's fucking great. Every American I meet is, like, the nicest person I've ever met. This place is dope. I love McDonald's. And, like, there's just this fresh discourse online of people. Of people, not non Americans having that reaction and be like, I thought this place fucking sucked.

[B]

This is great.

[C]

I get why you all like it so much. And then all the Americans are like, dude, we've been telling you it's where the government and then the people are separate things. Which, ironically, is the opposite of how it's supposed to be, but that's not what we're talking about right now.

[A]

Did you see the stories of all the people trying to take ranch dressing and stuff home?

[C]

Yeah. It's just been very, like, heartwarming. And that's so fun because not that long ago we. I think I brought up the discourse around whatever like, oh, British people think America's not hot in America and blah, blah, and all this stuff. Like, I, I'm clearly, I'm a sucker for it, same as everyone else. I'm not above fighting with other countries and having beef for door. But like when we actually hang out with each other, it's chill. We're chill. You're chill. It's cool. We should, you should come over more. We should come hang out with you guys. It's cool, man.

[B]

I, I've loved seeing all the videos because every once in a. Get that video of like there's a, there's a British guy who came over to America for work or something. He's like, what the hell? It's amazed Texas barbecue is unbelievable. And it's like, yeah, yeah, it is. But there's. I can't believe how botched like the World cup has been so far in America and for that opinion is still. Yeah, it's been okay. Like the games have been going on

[C]

and you know, look, man, we call it soccer. Like there was a fundamental risk taken, I think by FIFA letting it happen in a place that, where we, we don't call it what a lot of the world calls it, but our football

[A]

is the game where we're trying to eliminate the part where your foot touches the ball.

[C]

Well, we have good stadiums and good food and nice like it's been, it's been lovely. It's been funny too to see that how many people have that experience of the stereotype where they're like, oh, well, we were staying in New York and we were like, let's just take a day trip down to Disney or something. And then they look at the maps and like, oh, fuck, how many days drive is that? What the shit.

[B]

I want to see like videos of people if, if they've come to the conclusion like, oh, this is why you don't have high speed rail everywhere. And it's like we could, if we really put effort into. We could, but it's a huge, is a huge fucking effort to make it happen. And it'll happen eventually, but way too late. And you know, but yeah, the comments of like people.

[A]

I think there was someone like in Alabama, like a small town in Alabama. They were just like, like, this place is crazy. I went to this diner and the food was fantastic and the people were so nice and stuff. Like, yeah, that has been really awesome to see.

[C]

Plus it's been really fucking hot. I know there's A heat wave happening in Europe right now, which is like a uncharacteristic dangerous heat wave. But it's been hot enough here too that everyone's kind of like, all right, everybody knows what hot is. Like, whatever, let's stop. That's a stupid thing to fight about. Okay? It's hot here, it's not there, it's hot everywhere. This fucking sucks. Turns out the real problem is climate change. Let's all talk about that now.

[B]

Yeah, I hate to tell you, this guy's. It was 58 this morning here.

[C]

What?

[A]

I thought you were gonna be like, climate change is false, boys.

[C]

By the time I woke up today here, it was like 90 degrees already. And I'm humid. We had like heat advisories going on.

[A]

It is still mid-80s and feels like 90 here at 10pm it's supposed to

[C]

be hot out in Los Angeles.

[B]

Yeah, no, see, the whole thing about climate change is climates change all over the place. They're all doing different things. We have, however, apparently Super El Nino's on the way.

[C]

Yeah, well, what's it. We talked about it before on the show is there's a, there's a possibility of a derecho, which I think I said incorrectly last time. Derek. Oh, Derek. Some crazy shit happening.

[B]

Yeah, there's. It's like super El Nino.

[A]

What is a super El Nino?

[B]

It's something where this band of warm water, it usually stays more towards the Asian side of the Pacific. It can technically form and push almost everything towards the, the, the, the American side of the Pacific and then just create. That's why in, in LA there's this legend of this 50 year flood where the, the, all the rivers in LA, all the canals can overflow and it'll just be torrential flooding across the land might happen.

[C]

Oh, fun.

[A]

At least you guys would have a surplus of non drinkable salt water.

[C]

Everyone complains when there's fires all over. So we were like, what's the opposite of fire? They must love that.

[A]

I can tell you fire's weak to water and Pokemon.

[C]

Yeah, well that's, that's great. I'm sure nothing bad will happen.

[B]

Did he freeze frame himself?

[A]

I did, I did.

[C]

Oh wow, that was really good.

[A]

Thank you, thank you.

[C]

You didn't fucking move a single hair on your head. Eyebrow.

[B]

Anyway, super El Nino could happen. Weather's. Weather's funny.

[C]

Yeah, funny. Boohoo. Not funny. Haha.

[B]

The term Mega Nino, super secret, rare nino, Mega Nino may have contributed to the end Permian extinction. So you know, called the great dying.

[C]

We have The Great Dying two, Electric Boogaloo.

[A]

So many sequels aren't as good as the first.

[C]

Dude, even the weather is reaching back for sequels now. What the fuck?

[B]

I'm sure there's plenty of people that know more about the weather than I do. In fact, you know, I think even Amy knows much more about it. So everything I'm saying probably isn't.

[C]

Even if only some of it's wrong, you're gonna get roasted in the Reddit. We know that for sure how it goes.

[B]

All right. Any other funny things besides our impending doom?

[A]

No, that's about as funny as it gets. I think

[B]

I have a bounty to claim.

[A]

I gotta do one of these now you guys are making me look bad.

[C]

I. This is possibly one of the first ones that we talked about when this notion came up. I have a. I was at Wawa and a fan came up to me. I asked multiple times and they were like, yeah, yeah, put in the episode. That's totally fine. They came up to me and we talked and I was like, hey, do you have a coin? And they got a penny.

[B]

Oh, and his heads.

[C]

And I called heads. I called heads. It was heads. I won the coin flip.

[A]

I didn't think you had that in you first try.

[C]

No cheating. You can go to that Wawa and confirm with that person if you need to. But I believe that is my first bounty on the board.

[B]

I feel like that's also the coin flip part of it is worth more than just a bounty, if I'm not mistaken.

[C]

Honestly, in the moment, I couldn't remember 100% how it was. I was like, I'm just gonna call it and if I win, I'm hoping that is the correct thing to have done. Oh, also, I didn't say it. The person. The fan's name was Rexy. Thank you so much, Rexy, for literally going to the cash register and getting a penny so that we could have a coin. Because I, like an idiot, didn't have one on me.

[A]

Rexy robbed Wawa for your bounty. That's crazy.

[C]

Rexy committed a misdemeanor for me. I better get extra bounty points.

[B]

I think that's a three point thing. I'm pretty sure it's. It's a higher point thing than it's normal. So I'm gonna say plus three. There might be even more for that. I can't.

[A]

If you guys are going to put in the effort, you can take your points for your bounties.

[B]

Also, we have to spend the official budget for the subreddit at some Point

[C]

I saw one that I think we can agree on that would be a good first one to dip our toes into. It just came up on this month's post but people were like they need a trophy and I have talked about previously that I wanted to get a trophy but I never follow through on anything.

[A]

Well thank God me too.

[C]

Either Both that would be a good use of budget I feel like is to get like a winner's trophy and then I guess we'd have to award it to Mark because he is the current reigning champion and we just started this new season.

[A]

I never got one for winning the very first season.

[C]

And you still won't. I mean maybe I look I'm not a poet. We could talk about it but I was imagining it's one where it's like the trophy you get a little it's like the Stanley cup when you win your season you get your name engraved on it and then you own it for that next year.

[B]

The whole thing.

[C]

But the Reddit has to vote and democracy some stuff or something.

[B]

We will call that the episode there. And once again the bounty slash coin flip has devastated the point balance. We had Bob with half a styro point. There's the sound effect point for not being under a rock. A very small cow pie. A man point rug pull coin aspen parentheses. Bad Rebirth fetish. I wish. I'm not sure if that's a thing. I can't remember what was in the most recent Dungeon Crawler Carl but there was a mention of an either rebirth or unbirth because of the kangaroo bit.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Stuck in my mind since that dude

[A]

that made me not want to get into a kangaroo's pouch.

[C]

I already didn't want to do that. I. I was not that wasn't an issue for me.

[B]

I don't know what Matt Deniman's up to on a day to day basis. And you know a lot of authors like putting put content in their work that's like barely the author's barely disguised fetish.

[A]

And I'm like real quick, real quick, you're cutting the point, Matt. I know you're watching this right now. What the fuck did the Bengals do to you, man? Jack, that's the Bengals character. We get the guy who pisses in the hall.

[C]

That's the most accurate Bengals fan representation in any media I've ever seen.

[A]

Not a single other person wearing like sports merchandise I'm pretty sure has been mentioned ever. But they were like, like yeah, this fucking asshole Jack and his Bengals hat

[C]

likes to piss on Walls because he loved the Bengals. All right?

[B]

And then, Wade, you had markiplier con styro survival. There's the sound effect. Plus one. Okay, point. You have a contingency point for surgery that's not yours yet.

[C]

If you injure yourself enough that you need surgery right now, I think it's fair that you get that point.

[A]

I think I already did.

[B]

You have Kentucky sneeze chicken. You have Atlanta birthday ruined, and then the month of Maine. So with that, you only have seven points, one contingency.

[A]

But I think you also have another

[B]

shadow point that's owed to you for something in the future. Those are gonna roll forward.

[C]

I'm sure that won't cost me any problems.

[B]

That'll be fine. All right. Seven to twelve and a half points is the score with plus three for Bob's coin flip with a fan going into the final normal wheel spin. It does not look good for Wade.

[C]

There it is. I was trying to get it up. Trying to time it. Nice for you.

[A]

At our age, it's hard.

[C]

You're telling me. Oh, did you mean penis?

[A]

Mm.

[C]

I certainly didn't.

[A]

All you need is one, baby. Two is good, too. Two's good, too. All right.

[B]

The. The.

[C]

Oh, not that one.

[B]

Not that one.

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

I wanna. I wanna add.

[C]

Add.

[B]

Recite the Alphabet backwards. Closest wins a point.

[A]

I could do it right now.

[B]

You don't have to be perfect, but you have to be fastest but also most accurate. And then if both of you get it perfect or the same number of mistakes, it would be whoever completed faster.

[C]

We'll remember all that. Two spins, baby.

[A]

Come on. Daddy needs a new pair of sneakers. Oh, damn it. I should have been meaner.

[C]

I don't feel like I launched any personal attacks.

[A]

You gave me a couple of ribs, but nothing crazy.

[C]

I did. I did. I feel like this one is. This one's a Kind of a weak one. Like we could award it. But also, I feel like a respin is not unfair in this situation.

[B]

I don't feel strongly. There wasn't a lot of animosity this episode.

[C]

This is a very amicable episode.

[B]

Let's re spin it. Respin.

[A]

It's too. It's too late for coins, right?

[C]

Well, definitely too late now that a spin is happening.

[B]

Hey, there it is. Oh, wait. Did he say.

[A]

He said I wouldn't. Bob's words were, I don't think a respin would be unfair.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right. I guess we have to flip for that.

[C]

No, that.

[B]

That counts. So you didn't. Oh, fuck you don't think a respin would be unfair?

[C]

So a respin would be fair, and no respin would be unfair. So if it's all heads, we. We. We do an extra re. Spin. And if it's all tails, we don't respin, because that would be making.

[B]

Yeah, if.

[C]

If it's all.

[B]

If it's. Okay, wait. A respin would be fair, which means you want to respin.

[C]

So we would double the fairness if we get all heads, right? And then we would fix the un. We would make it unfair if we get all tails. So we would double the spin, or we would do no spin. Why is this so confusing?

[B]

I think it. I think it's the opposite. If it's heads, we do the respin because that would make it fair. If it gets all tails, we will not spin anymore. For the rest of this, we will remove all spins.

[A]

I'm too tired to think it through, but that sounds right to me.

[C]

Look, you're. You're the host, man.

[B]

If it was tails, it would. It would be what he's opposite against. Would be. Would be. Have to be made doubly fair, but the opposite.

[A]

But the heads is just to make what you said, fair, which would be

[B]

to spin, I guess. Even though we were already going to do that.

[A]

What is doubly fair of.

[B]

Let's go double both ways. We're gonna do double both ways. We'll add an extra spin if it's all heads. We'll absolutely. No more wheel if it's tails. Okay, tails for me.

[C]

I think I got the lady. I got heads.

[A]

Oh, okay. I'm tails as well. I thought we were gonna.

[B]

Yeah, okay. All right. Okay.

[C]

All right.

[B]

We're still spinning it well, so this counts. Bald.

[A]

I'm cut. Don't call it a comeback. Don't call it a back come, either.

[C]

Oh, I always want to call it a back come. Anyway, spin number two of two people still go in.

[B]

My chats is like calm amateurs.

[C]

Had the best time.

[A]

I had the time of my life, and I owe it all to you.

[B]

He's claiming the best time. Do you want to give it to him?

[C]

I can't disagree. He seemed like he was having a really good time.

[B]

All right, that's another point away. It doesn't even matter. That's only nine points. So, unfortunately, even though he won both spins. Congratulations, Bob.

[C]

I did it. The bounty really secured it for me.

[B]

It really did. It really did. But even without the bounty, I think you still would have won, because I

[C]

would have won by half of the point with no bounty, but I won by three and a half with it. Is that how that works out?

[B]

True. Yes. That is how this went down. So congratulations, Bob. Give your winner speech.

[C]

Oh, yes. Oh, it feels like it's been a long time since I've won, but that's probably not true. I'm accustomed to doing so many of these when we were doing two a week, that now it feels like they have all these spaces in between our recordings. And it's. Anyway, it feels good to win, and it feels really good to get my first bounty under my belt. I'm excited to do some of the more complicated ones. There are ones that involve sending things to you guys or appearing at your houses, potentially, that I'm really interested in. Keep adding shit to the bounty board, because even if you think it's a weird idea, only one of us needs to like it for it to happen. And there are definitely some on there that I think. I look at and I'm like, ooh. And I know you guys are not going to want to do. I like the bounties. I want to do so many Bounty bounties. I want an episode where the only points are Bounty points and I win because I did so many bounties.

[B]

All right. That is entirely possible. We can make that happen. We can make anything happen. Wade, can you make anything up?

[A]

I could.

[B]

All right. Short and sweet, just like me.

[C]

We don't have to hash this out. I just had this thought. We didn't make any rules about whether the host could do bounties, did we?

[B]

We didn't, technically speaking.

[C]

So there's an avenue where a host could technically hijack a series of episodes by completing a lot of bounties and just winning the episodes and continuously being the host.

[A]

Host has a lot of power. Yeah.

[C]

That loophole might exist. We might have created that. And I don't know if there's anything we could do about it at this point.

[B]

I mean, technically speaking. Yeah, that. I don't think there's any rule against it.

[C]

Just brainstorming right now. But we shouldn't do that.

[B]

It would have to be brought up in the next Constitution or the emergency

[C]

boat episode Biennial Bianal Boat.

[B]

Anyway, thank you all so much for. For watching and or listening this episode. I am feeling better finally. So I am healthy once again. I hope you all are feeling healthy out there. If you're not, hope you rest up and get your health back in order. And you can always look forward to another episode of this.

[C]

We're getting back into the swing of things.

[B]

But, you know, we're not getting back into the swing of things. We have been in the swing.

[A]

We're swingers.

[C]

We're swinging, baby.

[B]

Be sure to follow these guys. Be sure. Be sure to follow the podcast and look forward to the next episode coming at you at a very predictable time.

[C]

Have a good day.

[B]

Podcast out.