Wade's One Man Show

Summary

Distractible – "Wade's One Man Show"

Episode Date: January 23, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach, Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

This episode is a hilarious and tortuous journey as Mark and Bob subject Wade to a gauntlet of bizarre, cringe-inducing Styrofoam sounds, all lovingly structured as "Wade’s One Man Show." The trio explores Wade’s deeply-seated aversion to Styrofoam, tier-ranking a variety of objects and noises while keeping the banter relentless and the discomfort high. The crew then launches Wade into a mock comedy routine, complete with philosophy jokes and relentless teasing, before wrapping with playful reflections on the episode's ordeal.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Wade’s Willy Wonka-inspired Musical Introduction

• [03:37-06:13] Wade starts the show with a playful, improvised, musical take on "Pure Imagination," with baldness and self-referential jokes:
  • “Come with me and you’ll be in a world of bald imagination. Take a look and you’ll see your reflection.” (Wade, 03:37)
• The hosts riff about the classic "Willy Wonka" tunnel scene and discover Wade’s vague memory of the movie (Mark reveals they actually decapitate a chicken in the film: “[08:00] They literally cut a chicken head... I forgot that that is actually just there.”).

2. The Legendary Spit on Wade’s Camera

• [06:32-07:11] Wade admits he hasn’t cleaned a spit drop off his camera lens for “the past 24 episodes,” triggering ribbing from Mark and Bob.
  • “Sam, our editor, has been laughing at the same drop of spit that’s been on my lens for the past 24 episodes. And I’ve just never bothered to clean it or notice. Oh, I’ve noticed.” (Wade, 06:32)
• Mark: “Sam told me about it recently... he has the exact moment the spit landed on your lens.” (Mark, 07:07)

3. Wade’s Styrofoam Sound Tier List Torture

Set-up

• [09:21-10:21] The “Game Master” (Bob) reveals the challenge: Wade must rate and review various forms of Styrofoam via images and accompanying sounds.
  • “You will have to listen and review... If you want to survive. Rate them fairly and honestly...” (Game Master/Bob, 09:21)

Notable Sounds & Tier Rankings

• Cooler: Instantly placed in D-tier, “get rid of that” (Wade, 11:06)
• Styrofoam Cup: Given a surprisingly high rank—A-tier—at first, owing to mildness of noise ([11:47-12:08]).
• Thick, Broken Styrofoam: Plagues Wade’s nightmares; the noise is less offensive than the mere image ([12:17-12:56]).
• Ball, Hat, Small Nuts: Mixed reactions; ball lands in B-tier, hat is “absolute worst,” D-tier ([13:04-13:52]).
  • “Styrofoam hat is the worst fucking invention.” (Wade, 13:52)
• Cat Scratching Styrofoam: Triggers Wade’s F-tier; he recoils at the accompanying harsh noise ([15:03-16:07]).
  • “That’s F tier. Make an F tier for that.” (Wade, 15:09)
• Computer Packaging and Toilet: C-tier; noisy, but not squeaky/deadly ([16:13-20:59])
• Art Exhibit (Styrofoam Clouds): The only S-tier, which Wade awards so he “never has to see it again” ([22:13-22:25])
  • “I love art. I never have to go to a museum to look at it. So put it in S tier.” (Wade, 22:13)
• Bunny, Car, Coneys Container: Bunny goes into B, car and container make C-tier, with elaborate, goofy scenarios spun by the hosts.
• Broken Styrofoam (Revisited): Remains Wade’s ultimate nemesis—bottom of D-tier; sensory trauma ([27:46-28:01])
  • “That image is one that haunts my nightmares.” (Wade, 27:59)

Philosophical Disgust & Revelations

• Bob and Mark joyously prolong the agony with multi-layered descriptions, adding sensations and imagined scenarios.
• Mark taunts: “Did you know if you imagine yourself licking anything, you can vividly tell what the texture is?” ([16:42-16:50])
• Wade: “You guys really enjoy this bit... I hate you. But it’s brilliant.” ([25:35])

4. The Worms That Eat Styrofoam

• [17:32-18:38] Discussion of worms bred to digest Styrofoam both fascinates and terrifies Wade.
  • Bob: “The coolest little worms, and they just dig. They tunnel through it.” (Bob, 17:32)
  • Mark: “Now you want to talk about eating Styrofoam. Those bugs love eating Styrofoam.” (Mark, 18:14)
• Wade: “Those need to be exterminated immediately.” ([28:34])
• Bob counters with environmental optimism: “They’re gonna save our lives. They’re going to consume all the excess... Styrofoam is going to choke out the world unless we can make more worms like that.” ([28:38-29:02])

5. Wade’s Mock ‘Philosophy Comedy’ Stand-Up

• [29:29-34:28] Wade’s second challenge is to read a purposely antagonistic, philosophy-tinged comedy routine curated by Bob.
  • Wade (as stand-up comic):
    “How many of you idiots know what philosophy even is? ... Philosophy is whatever someone smarter than you tells you what to believe. Since I’m clearly the smart one here, I’ll just tell you all how to live.” ([31:59-32:24])
  • Jokes range from Descartes (“I think not, he says, and disappears”) to light bulb gags.
• Bob and Mark break into the script, clarifying, prompting, and laughing at the intentionally bad joke delivery.
• Group analyzes philosophical jokes, with Wade and Mark slowly “getting” them, Bob admitting he doesn’t understand all the punchlines.
  • Mark: “I finally got the rhetorical question one. Way too late.” ([34:23])

6. Episode Aftermath, Announcements, and Banter

• [36:08-end] Wade wraps up with mock humility and fun, referencing the constitutional law of "one man shows."
• Winner declared (by default): “Technically Wade has to win it though if we’re going to follow our own made up rules that don’t mean anything.” (Bob, [37:00])
• Hosts imagine pranking Wade with “a lifetime supply of packing peanuts,” flooding his house by every means possible ([37:09-37:24]).
• Wade reflects on the ordeal: “Styrofoam is a bottom, so it makes sense. But you know what’s at the top? Art. Art’s great.” ([28:12])
• Final words of support/commiseration (and threats for future episodes).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Wade’s Musical Intro:
  “Come with me and you’ll be in a world of bald imagination.” (Wade, 03:37)
• On Cleaning Routine:
  “Sam, our editor, has been laughing at the same drop of spit that’s been on my lens for the past 24 episodes.” (Wade, 06:32)
• On Styrofoam Hat:
  “Styrofoam hat is the worst fucking invention.” (Wade, 13:52)
• Painful Cat Sound:
  “That’s F tier. Make an F tier for that.” (Wade, 15:09)
• On the Art Exhibit:
  “I love art. I never have to go to a museum to look at it. So put it in S tier.” (Wade, 22:13)
• Wade’s Bitter Surrender:
  “That image is one that haunts my nightmares.” (Wade, 27:59)
• Bob on Saving the World:
  “They’re gonna save our lives. ... Styrofoam is going to choke out the world unless we can make more worms like that.” (Bob, 28:38-29:02)
• Mock Philosophy Stand-Up:
  “Philosophy is whatever someone smarter than you tells you what to believe. Since I’m clearly the smart one here, I’ll just tell you all how to live.” (Wade, 32:24)
• Consolation and Threat:
  “Your prize is a lifetime supply of packing peanuts going to be flooded by hoses into your house.” (Mark, 37:09)
• Mutual Suffering:
  “I think everyone lost. I definitely think there should be a Styrofoam warning on the top of this episode.” (Bob, 37:47)

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Timestamps For Major Segments

• 03:37 – Musical intro, “Willy Wonka” parody
• 06:32 – Discussion of spit on Wade’s camera
• 09:21 – Game Master introduces the Styrofoam tier list torture
• 11:06–28:12 – Full Styrofoam object/sound tier ranking (with commentary)
• 17:32 / 28:34 – Introduction of the “worms that eat Styrofoam” science tidbit and eco-debate
• 29:29–34:28 – Wade’s script-read, philosophy stand-up routine
• 36:08–end – Episode conclusion, banter, declarations, and prank plotting

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Tone and Style

The episode is classic “Distractible”—irreverent, creative, heavy on callback humor, with a balance of genuine discomfort, exuberant teasing, and absurdity. Wade’s aversion to Styrofoam is milked for all it’s worth, while Mark and Bob gleefully orchestrate the chaos. Even the “punishments” and “games” maintain an undertone of long-time friendship and inside jokes.

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Summary

This episode is a comedic experiment in discomfort, targeting Wade’s known loathing of Styrofoam in a playful, escalating challenge of sight and sound. Highlights include a musical opening, the revelation of an uncleaned spit drop, a relentless sequence of grating noises, and a deadpan philosophical stand-up set—each layer of the “one man show” both tragi-comic and distinctly Distractible.

Listeners who enjoy elaborate bits, zany sound design, and the unique chemistry of old friends tormenting each other for content will especially appreciate this episode. Wade survives, but only just. If you’ve ever wondered how bad Styrofoam can make someone feel, or whether worms will save the planet, this is your show.

Transcript

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[Bob]

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[Bob]

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[Mark]

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[Wade]

This episode contains harsh noises that may be unsettling to those with sensitive hearing. And wait.

[Mark]

Listener discretion is advised. Ba ba ba ba ba ba.

[Bob]

Bald.

[Wade]

That is all.

[Narrator]

Good evening, gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Destructible. This episode, the coming Bob and mundane Mark put their pal through his paces, bringing white smiles to his brother's faces as Whirly Way takes on the trials. Rating strange, unrighteous sounds, chewing small nuts and identifying cats, tonguing foam and surviving abject oral torture. From spittle cam to saute. Stand up.

[Bob]

Yes.

[Narrator]

It'S time for Wade's one man show. Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Wade]

Come with me and you'll be in a world of bald imagination. Take a look and you'll see your reflection. If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Subreddit Defend me. Do it. Wanna rig the game? There's nothing to it. Wade finishes his song early and suddenly looks scared. Am I not supposed to read that part out loud? No, you can.

[Mark]

Yeah, read my loud. You're good.

[Wade]

Oh, still me. Is this still a song? I don't know the song, but first step into my mind for a world first view of my thoughts during literally every recording of Distractable Ever.

[Mark]

I should have read parenthetical singing.

[Wade]

And so, yeah, you probably should have, man.

[Mark]

This is the not singing one. The next one's singing good.

[Wade]

Whoa. I can't believe where I am. Editors recreate the Tunnel of Terror from Willy Wonka 1971. Is this still from the song? I sang all the parts I know from the song.

[Bob]

It sings songy, but it's kind of spoken. You don't know this song?

[Wade]

I've not seen Willy Wonka since I was like, eight.

[Mark]

Okay, all right, all right. Director's cutting in there.

[Wade]

Okay, all right. Yeah, I'll probably do it like that. There's no earthly way of knowing which direction they are going. There's no knowing whose points are growing. Hope my bald head isn't glowing. Is it raining? Is it snowing? Why my hunger is growing. Bleh. Uh oh. Now their words are slowing so the danger must be growing Are the fires of hell. A glowing is my turn here without Me knowing.

[Narrator]

Yes.

[Wade]

The danger must be growing. The conversation keeps on slowing, and they're certainly not showing the signs that they'll keep going. Quite right, sir. I am bald. Oh, there's more.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's not it. There's more.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Oh, man.

[Wade]

Wow, what a great tunnel. That was parenthetical singing for this.

[Mark]

Nope, no, you're done singing.

[Wade]

And that's how I keep on winning. Welcome to Distractable Boys. And.

[Mark]

Welcome, boys.

[Wade]

Is it hot in here or am I just bald? Anyway, very pleasant evening to all the gentlemen.

[Bob]

The.

[Wade]

The.

[Bob]

The.

[Wade]

The vagina people out there. Whoo. That was a close one. Oh, looks like I got some sweat on my lens. Oh, well, don't need to clean that ever. Just like the drop of spit I spat into the lens three months ago and has been there in every episode since. I can see it. That's. That's true. This is not a joke. This is real. Sam, our editor, has been laughing at the same drop of spit that's been on my lens for the past 24 episodes. And I've just never bothered to clean it or notice. Oh, I've noticed.

[Mark]

Hahaha.

[Wade]

Good thing that's not embarrassing. You've noticed it. You've never cleaned it.

[Mark]

Sam told me about it recently and.

[Wade]

He was like, it's funny that Sam thinks there's only one.

[Mark]

Wait, Sam, he has the exact moment the spit landed on your lens. That's vetted every episode since that he's noticed. So play. Play the moment when he spits and it's there.

[Wade]

Throw shit. They throw feces. The feces blocks up my pipe. They come back up. It's like, oh, somehow the shit's got in your air conditioning unit. This is your fault, sir. You got replace the whole thing. How does shit get in the ac? I don't know because I guess this wrench is actually a screwdriver. It was actually a power drill, which is. We don't know anything.

[Mark]

Funny thing about the Tunnel of Terror. There actually is a moment where he just. He's like. I watched it to try to write down.

[Wade]

I've not seen it since I was so young. I remembered like the first part. I remember the tunnel, but I do not remember the cadence of any of that.

[Mark]

It's. They literally cut a chicken head head off a chicken in that scene. I forgot that that is actually just there.

[Bob]

They do.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[Bob]

That's pretty hardcore.

[Mark]

Yeah, just honk.

[Wade]

Great, great intro. Well, well written.

[Mark]

I was, I was the. The. The gulp was not an action. It was actually dialogue. So it should have been gulp and then gulp.

[Bob]

It's okay. Still, they'll fix it. Sam will fix it.

[Mark]

Take it out, take it away.

[Wade]

Start the show. Hey everyone. Welcome back. I had a horrible misfortune of having these two tie last time. At least the last time we recorded a real episode. It's been a minute since you guys have seen us fresh. We're fresh. And after a nice break, we're coming back. And I don't know how to intro this because I don't know what the hell's happening. I don't know if we're doing small talk. I don't know how I'm being punished. I don't know. Maybe it's already over.

[Bob]

Who says you're being punished? Here, I'll give you a hint.

[Wade]

I love tier lists.

[Bob]

No, you're going to love this.

[Wade]

Tier list is Wade's secret Tier list. A canoli.

[Bob]

These images at the bottom, that's what you're tier listing.

[Wade]

So small. Okay, let me. I got to maximize this. See, my eyes aren't good.

[Bob]

Yeah, I would make the screen bigger probably so you can see it.

[Wade]

I don't know what the first picture is. I'm guessing some kind of food or centipede. Then we got green drugs, a praying mantis, a toilet, a couch made of that. Is this. Is this all fucking styrofoam?

[Game Master]

I want to play a game in front of you. You'll see various forms of styrofoam, all of which you will have to listen and review. If you want to survive. Rate them fairly and honestly. And don't worry, we will play the sound again for you if you didn't catch it the first time so that you can give the most thorough review possible. There is no way out of it. You can't complete your one man show unless you review all of the styrofoam in front of you. You could always quit, abscond the podcast, lose your status as the third of three equal members plus the fourth. But if you leave, just remember, a subreddit will never defend you again and we will simply find someone else who is even more bald and even more wait than you. Good luck, have fun. And don't worry about a time limit. We'll be here as long as you need. That's what friends are for.

[Wade]

This is bullshit.

[Mark]

That was such a good timing about.

[Wade]

That was so good.

[Bob]

That's what I was hoping would happen.

[Narrator]

Oh my God, that's so good.

[Bob]

Oh man.

[Wade]

The first three images give me no indication. I was like, wait, that Toilet looks weird. That couch looks weird. Why is that cat covered in. Oh, no.

[Bob]

Not only do you get to look at the visuals to rate these, they have accompanying sounds. And you know what, buddy? Since it's your show, we could start wherever you like. Which one you want to rate first?

[Wade]

I'm trying to figure out what even some of the images are. Do I get clarification on that before the sounds? If I have questions, I'll tell you.

[Bob]

The name of it right before I push the button to play the sound of it.

[Wade]

We don't need the sound of the cooler. The cooler's D tier. I don't want that one.

[Bob]

Cooler first. You got it, buddy.

[Wade]

Oh, why? Is there more? Yeah, yeah, gone. Get rid of that.

[Mark]

I don't know if he got that. Wait, let me just.

[Wade]

I got it.

[Bob]

Is the level okay on that? Because I could make it louder.

[Wade]

No, it doesn't need to be louder. It was so loud. In fact, you could turn it down a little.

[Mark]

Little up, actually. That was good. It was a little quiet on my end.

[Bob]

Are you sure this belongs in D tier? Yeah, I know. We got a long way to go, man. There's a lot.

[Wade]

I'm thankful that that sound is actually, like, just on the cusp. It's not quite the.

[Bob]

Yeah, well, that's definitely the worst one here. Don't worry about it.

[Wade]

I mean, I can usually drink out of styrofoam cups, so I guess we could put that in.

[Mark]

Well, well, before you rate it, you got to hear it. You can.

[Bob]

You have selected cup.

[Wade]

Hold on. That's not a cup noise. Who does that with their cup? What is that?

[Bob]

It's sliding around the table. It doesn't make a sound when you touch it to your mouth. Makes a sound when you.

[Wade]

Yeah, no shit. That's why it's okay. Usually, cup can go a. I guess a tier.

[Bob]

Bold choice.

[Wade]

Does that mean I like it, or does that mean I just. It's better than the others?

[Bob]

It means it's a tier.

[Wade]

Okay, I want to get this one out of the way. The very last image. The broken, thick Styrofoam. That is my absolute bane. Thick Styrofoam is the worst.

[Bob]

All right. You've chosen the break.

[Wade]

Okay. That one's okay. The noise is okay, but.

[Bob]

Yeah, that sounds different than I remember. Wait. Ah, that's not so bad.

[Wade]

Yeah, that sound is fine.

[Mark]

Wait, make it louder. Let me hear it. I. I want to make sure we get into the fair.

[Bob]

Yeah. Here we just do it like there's a little More subtlety in it than. Yeah, okay.

[Wade]

Yeah, it still doesn't. It's like the breaking noise rather than the rubbing noise, so it's. Okay. I don't know where I want to rank that yet, because, like, the image D tier, the sound that you actually just played of it breaking. Not bad. That's an S tier sound compared to the rest.

[Bob]

Okay, well, we can come back and listen to that more later once you've heard some of the other ones.

[Wade]

Let's do the third to last. The ball.

[Bob]

The ball.

[Wade]

Big ball. Shouldn't be bad.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's probably fine.

[Wade]

What are they doing to it?

[Mark]

They're rolling and squishing it like this.

[Wade]

Okay. That the sound itself wasn't. I'll give that a B.

[Mark]

B for ball.

[Wade]

I do not want. Do the hat. I hate the thought of one of those on my head. Let's just get it over with.

[Bob]

Hat. You got it, buddy. That's a good one. Just imagine that sound coming right off where it's touching your head.

[Mark]

Yeah, because it's like it's on your head and you're doing a stylus. Like, draw your finger around the brim.

[Bob]

Like.

[Wade]

I don't know if it shows, man, but I've had goosebumps since we fucking started this. It's killing me. Put the hat in D tier. Styrofoam hat is the worst fucking invention.

[Bob]

It sounds delightful. It's insulative, so it can be stylish and keep you warmer or cooler probably. Mostly warmer, I guess.

[Wade]

But do the hand holding the little balls. Little balls shouldn't be bad, right?

[Bob]

Oh, the small nuts. It's like the hand, and then you squish them, you know, thankfully, no squeak.

[Wade]

Just horrible. Not good noise, but no squeak, I guess. Toss those in B as well. Okay, Don't.

[Bob]

Sorry. Which one? That was really loud. Which one?

[Wade]

Toss those in B.

[Bob]

B.

[Wade]

Just get them out of here. Let's do the cat. Cat. Cat noise can't be bad. It's just a cat.

[Bob]

Cat with Styrofoam on it. Oh, no. I labeled one of them twice. That's fine. Oh, no, I'm pretty sure. Well, you know what? It sounds probably like the small nuts, but, like, with a. Imagine there's like a meowing. It's a cat. You can't put it low. You love cats. Just think about. Think about keters and then think about.

[Mark]

Okay, here, Bob, just out of fairness, let me. Let me give you one more just so you can. You can be sure to have it. It's.

[Bob]

I Want to make sure that's a.

[Mark]

Fair judgment on this.

[Bob]

All right, here you go. Here's your first one. Is this one a cat?

[Wade]

That is. There's no cat. Oh, that's like a fucking windshield wiper. That's F tier. Make an F tier for that.

[Bob]

Is this one a cat? It's a minute long, dude.

[Wade]

I can't. I can't do that for a minute.

[Mark]

Well, you just gotta say which one's a cat.

[Bob]

Was that one the cat or was it this one?

[Wade]

Oh.

[Bob]

Oh, that's. That's harsh.

[Wade]

Oh, stop. Yeah, that's a cat. It's scratching it. Cat, cat, cats. D tier. Are you sure?

[Bob]

Are you sure?

[Wade]

Yeah. All those sounds are D tier. F tiered. But stop. I heard it. Yep, that's bottom tier.

[Mark]

Well, maybe it's the one that I said was laughter. You look, there's. See, I sent you a file that says laughter.

[Bob]

Was this a cat?

[Mark]

That's a funny cat.

[Wade]

That's a hilarious cat right there. Yeah, the cat. The cat's D tier. You know, the cat, the ball noise. Cat was going to go up there. Those. No cats. Fucking D. I never want to hear those again. Cat. Bottom tier.

[Bob]

Cat. D tier. You got it, buddy.

[Wade]

Is that a bathtub?

[Bob]

No, that's like. Like computer packaging. It's like the thing.

[Wade]

Oh, that's awful. Yeah, do it. Get out of the way. I hate that shit. I have to have someone else get my computers and stuff out. I had to get. My parents had to unbox my toys for me. Thank God. No squeak. Yep. You know what? C tier. It didn't get the squeak in, so.

[Bob]

C tier, man. He's really. He's really all about the squeaks.

[Wade]

Like, I don't like Styrofoam. The feeling of it and then the squeak that it makes the crunchy, I can live with.

[Mark]

Did you know if you imagine yourself licking anything, you can vividly tell what the texture is? I'm gonna think of your tongue running.

[Wade]

I'm not listening to you. I can't. I can't picture that, man.

[Bob]

I looked for so long for pictures of people eating Styrofoam. I'm not even lying. It turns out nobody likes to eat Styrofoam. I couldn't find a picture of a person eating Styrofoam.

[Wade]

Wade. Thank God, Vin. I would have. I couldn't. I would have thrown up on camera.

[Mark]

Which is why I have a bucket of Styrofoam right here.

[Wade]

There's no way. There's no fucking way.

[Bob]

This One I called Poop. That's it. It's just a short sound. I'll play it a little. Play it some more for you. D d d Got it. Okay.

[Wade]

You sure? Yeah, I guess. Let's do the first one, the weird.

[Bob]

Oh, I like that one. That one's got an interesting story.

[Wade]

What is it?

[Bob]

So it's worms, but it's a. It's a species of superworm that actually subsists on Styrofoam. The. The scientific researcher who. I don't know if she bred them or discovered. I think she bred them, but. And when you walk into her lab, there's this insanely loud sound of all of her thousands and thousands of worms just crunching their way through Styrofoam. And as far as I know, it sounds something like this. They're just the coolest. The coolest little worms, and they just dig. They tunnel through it.

[Mark]

Now you want to talk about eating Styrofoam. Those bugs love eating Styrofoam.

[Bob]

They're mostly made of Styrofoam.

[Wade]

Yeah. More D. All right.

[Bob]

D tier. Oh, do you want to sort the tier? Should we go back and revisit some of these sounds so you could say which one's higher or lower within the tier, or should we save that?

[Wade]

Oh, man. Let me tell you. Last three are F tier of D tier. Perfectly. Perfectly sorted.

[Bob]

Okay. Perfect. Got it. Okay.

[Wade]

Whatever.

[Bob]

The first.

[Wade]

Is that peanuts is the first one. Peanuts?

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. Those are regular nuts, dude.

[Wade]

That's what my friend used to chew on. I can't. Okay.

[Bob]

This is kind of the sound of chewing on them. So you have to imagine they're in your mouth and you're hearing this from inside your own head, right?

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Bob]

So you're like, it was pretty.

[Mark]

We don't have an S. You're right.

[Wade]

Those are D tier.

[Mark]

But where, indeed? Here.

[Bob]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, Try again. Try again. Where do they go? Yeah. Okay. You think that's right between the cat and the poop?

[Wade]

Perfect. Let's just go in order, man. Do the fucking praying mantis or whatever that is.

[Bob]

Oh, that's Pennywise carved out of Styrofoam. This one's more. This one's sort of how I think it would sound. It doesn't actually make a sound, but this is kind of how I think that would sound.

[Wade]

Please just be Bill Skarsgard.

[Mark]

We all float down here. Am I right?

[Bob]

That's kind of how I imagine the, like, death light would feel in your ears when it's happening to You. Because that's not how it sounds in the movies and stuff, obviously, but I.

[Wade]

Think that's a solid D tier. Right. Right below the peanuts.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

Some of these we had to take some creative liberty on because, you know, kind of hard to find a sound that is exactly.

[Wade]

Toilet next.

[Bob]

Toilet next. Oh, you got it, buddy. So you have to imagine this is coming from your own butt while you're sitting on it. Or maybe you're wiping so you're, like, shifting your weight, you know?

[Wade]

You know, we'll toss that and see. Hang on.

[Mark]

I have a. I have a noise for this that might actually apply. I just found it. It's. Well, you know, I'll just. I'll let Bob play it.

[Wade]

There you go.

[Bob]

Wade. Maybe this is the toilet. Just. Maybe you want to change your rank.

[Wade]

I didn't like that. Oh, it's more. Supposedly that's spraying Styrofoam with water. I don't know why it was so pulsile.

[Bob]

It's like the tiniest little squirt bottle. They're just like. Does that make you want to rethink your D tier?

[Wade]

No, I don't want to revisit D tier anymore because I'm afraid you'll make me listen to it. So that's C tier.

[Bob]

Toilet is C tier. Above or below the packaging?

[Wade]

Above. Packaging would be much worse, probably. I guess. Couch before the Styrofoam nuclear warhead.

[Bob]

Couch it is again. You're kind of sitting on it, right? It's sort of.

[Wade]

Yeah, I can.

[Bob]

Yeah, maybe you have your arm up on the back.

[Wade]

I wouldn't.

[Bob]

Yeah. You know, it makes your hair stand out in. Because it's kind of staticky. Or maybe. Maybe you're watching the game. The Bengals just lost again, so you're sort of sinking into it in sadness.

[Wade]

Yeah. We can. We can assume a couch solid.

[Mark]

You know, when you get out of the shower and you don't towel off and you just decide to. On a Styrofoam couch and just kind of rub your arms all over it and you make little Styrofoam angels.

[Wade]

Yeah. We can just toss it in deep here and call it a day. It can be below the hat.

[Bob]

Below the hat.

[Wade]

All right, all right. Nuke.

[Bob]

Nuke. Oh, that's not a nuke. Whoa. That's not a nuke. Those are clouds. It's an art exhibit. Exhibit made of Styrofoam where the clouds actually undulate, so they're on articulated mounts. It's actually really beautiful. Sounds like this, but you have to. Yeah. So you walk in the room and they're kind of up high and they, they. It's like a. You know, it's like a three dimensional. It's very cool. It's very pretty. And there's lighting. There's lighting behind. This is sort of.

[Wade]

I love art. I never have to go to a museum to look at it. So put it in S tier.

[Bob]

You could just close your eyes and really just imagine the Styrofoam on the ceiling. And you're right, it's beautiful.

[Wade]

Toss it in S tier so I can never have to go see it again.

[Mark]

Oh, yeah.

[Bob]

Face.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Bob]

It'S just a quick one. It's like you're taking it out of the box, right? And you sort of like, you finally get a hold and you're like, yeah.

[Wade]

Yeah, Bottom of seat here.

[Mark]

I have a. I actually maybe have another option for this. If you were. If you were.

[Bob]

Oh, interesting.

[Wade]

Oh, definitely not interesting.

[Bob]

Interesting.

[Mark]

I have to buy this sound.

[Bob]

It's such.

[Wade]

It's so good.

[Mark]

Spend the money.

[Bob]

Spend it.

[Mark]

I found the sound of someone chewing on Styrofoam. I found it.

[Wade]

Please, no.

[Mark]

Come on, buy it. It's not letting me buy. You're lucky. I mean, I'm sorry.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah, man. Next time you get a one man show, I'm just going to show a bunch of fucking holes for an hour.

[Bob]

What sound should we listen to next?

[Mark]

Is that a baby made out of Styrofoam?

[Bob]

Oh, it's a bunny. Sorry, It's a bunny rabbit.

[Wade]

Well, you know, we built it up. Let's get it out of the way. Bunny next. I really hate the one that comes after and I'm. That's the one that scared me the most since we started. So I hope it's chill, you know? Thankfully, the sound for this one almost sounds more like whenever you're cleaning glass with, like, Windex or like a mirror.

[Bob]

So, yeah, it kind of sounds like a squeaky bunny, but also, it definitely is Styrofoam. Imagine the bunny just hops right into your lap and you start petting it, but it's all Styrofoamy.

[Wade]

Okay. I was going to say a tier, but you just said that out loud. So it can go into B for bunny, right where it's at.

[Mark]

So this next one, Wade, you don't know what this is. I know, but it's a car. So cute. I've never seen one before.

[Wade]

Worst bit of this show is people still telling me I need to get a car. All right, A Car. What is that?

[Bob]

Well, it sounds like this. Oh. Oh, that one's crunchy. That one's in there.

[Mark]

Trying to open the door of the Styrofoam car.

[Bob]

Yeah. You realize it's not a functional car. You rip the door handle off, and you. It, like, almost wants to squeak, but it doesn't go all the way there. It also kind of reminds me of the sound of, like, a car driving down a gravel driveway, you know?

[Wade]

Is there a word for foreplay to torture? Is it just foreplay?

[Bob]

Goreplay.

[Wade]

Yeah. I feel like that's what this noise is. It's like. It's not quite terrible, but, like, it gets you right there in the mood for pain.

[Bob]

You know? What comes next?

[Wade]

Yeah. So car C below the toilet.

[Bob]

Surprised he didn't go S tier, because I know how badly you want to have a car.

[Wade]

Not that bad. Not that bad.

[Mark]

Hey, if this one fell off the boat, like your other one, it would float. So it would just come to you eventually.

[Bob]

You wouldn't have the same problem at all. Mark is dead on with that.

[Wade]

But rather than fill it with concrete and let it fucking die, you know.

[Mark]

Boats are made of Styrofoam, right?

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Mark]

You like boats?

[Wade]

They're not, are they? No.

[Bob]

They're filled with Styrofoam, man. Stop.

[Wade]

I don't want to think about that.

[Bob]

Don't worry. It's between the metal. It doesn't make the sound unless you're on the water and the boat is floating, because then it flexes, and then the two. The two metal sides of the hull kind of like, you know, that really slow, intense squeaking that you can get when you, like, just barely move Styrofoam against, you know, surfaces.

[Wade]

You guys really enjoy this bit. You guys really, really enjoy this bit.

[Bob]

You said it was a good bit. Everyone's enjoying this.

[Wade]

It's brilliant. I think everyone's going to hate you. I hate you. But it's brilliant. I did not see this coming. Uh, let's do the. The Coney crate.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. So you have to imagine you're eating, hopefully, your favorite food while. And this sound is happening also as part of the whole experience.

[Wade]

That's pretty actually legit.

[Bob]

Also.

[Wade]

Whenever you, like, have it on a table and you have to, like, cut in it. Yeah.

[Bob]

Or, like, you have it in the car and you get home with it, and you go to grab it, and the box isn't quite lined up, and it just, like, you know, and then you have to squeeze harder, and you're like, not my Coneys. I'll save you coneys.

[Mark]

Or when you're done with your coneys and you pick up the pack, you're trying to lick all the goop off the inside. You're stretching it.

[Bob]

They got the. They got the special habanero cheese, and you're like, oh, give me the extra cheese. Habanero cheese in my mouth.

[Wade]

I don't want it that bad. None of that.

[Mark]

Or when your buddy ate your coneys and you're picking up the empty container, you're like, ooh.

[Wade]

And you're squeezing it. Okay, this is. This is bottom of seat here. And honestly, Styrofo cup goes down with it because you guys are making me remember all the feelings of putting that on my lips. So move. Move cup back down.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Oh.

[Bob]

We'Re not done until we have something in every tier. You can't have an empty tier. That's not how tier lists.

[Wade]

Oh, ball. Ball goes up to a ball is pretty.

[Bob]

Okay, well, do you. Let's hear the last one again. We do have to put. This one was just crunched. I remember.

[Wade]

Right? Yeah.

[Bob]

Yeah. That's not so bad. It's not like this one. Oh, dude, this one's way better.

[Wade]

Yeah.

[Bob]

Oh. You know what's more realistic, though, In. In real life, if you were breaking such a big piece of Styrofoam, I think it would sound like this.

[Wade]

Oh, all together now.

[Bob]

How many buttons can you press at the same time on a stream deck? That's loud. Anyway, where does the breaking go? The broken. The. The, you know, snapped piece?

[Wade]

Dude, it's been the breaking part of it. The actual snap doesn't bother me. But those two pieces, if someone grabbed them and started rubbing them together, that has been what has plagued me my whole fucking life. So that goes at the bottom of D tier, because that image is one that haunts my nightmares.

[Bob]

Ball.

[Wade]

Ball.

[Bob]

A tier ball is life.

[Wade]

And we're done. Great job. Good show. Good bit fun.

[Bob]

Like, this is a really bottom weighted tier list. This is kind of negative today.

[Wade]

Styrofoam is a bottom, so it makes sense. But you know what's at the top? Art. Art's great.

[Bob]

Love art. Art is good. That's. That's Wade's S tier Styrofoam sound.

[Wade]

Not the sound. The sound.

[Bob]

It's all part of it, though. The smell, the sound, the taste, the texture. They let. They give you a piece and you can chew on it or whatever you want, stick it in your pants. It's art.

[Wade]

I can't believe there's Worms that eat this, those need to be exterminated immediately.

[Bob]

No, they're gonna save our lives. They're going to consume all the excess you want. The worms. This is the sound you want to hear, Wade, you. Because that's the sound of the worms eating all the Styrofoam that's otherwise never going to degrade. That's always going to just be laying around, piling up. Styrofoam is going to choke out the world unless we can make more worms like that.

[Wade]

All right, then do it. I guess I just get rid of it somehow.

[Mark]

All right, we're sending some to your house.

[Bob]

I'll send you a big, big Styrofoam box full of worms. Hopefully they're still inside by the time it gets there.

[Wade]

It'll go with the rest of my boxes, unopened and in the corner.

[Bob]

I'll find their way out. Don't you worry.

[Wade]

Oh, man, what an episode. Good episode.

[Bob]

Oh, we're not done yet.

[Mark]

Yeah, we're not done yet. What are you talking about?

[Wade]

Okay. I don't feel so good. Do you feel good? I don't feel so good.

[Bob]

I know what'll help you reading. Another scripted bit.

[Wade]

Oh, fun.

[Bob]

Don't worry, buddy. This one's. This one's actually a little bit longer than what Mark had. It'll go fast. It'll go fast. I'm gonna put the script in the chat, and you could just read it from the chat. Wow, that looks long in that chat.

[Wade]

Jesus. I had to scroll for a minute there. Editors were fading into the interior of distractible, whatever that means. Sorry, no, no other camera there.

[Bob]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out tonight. We've got a great lineup of comedians for you, and we'll get to those right after this first guy, he's bald. He won't shut up about Philosoph, and for some reason, he's here to perform for you right now. It's Wade. It's a little more enthusiastic than I was inspecting. There you go. That's. That's accurate. This is not in the script. I just want to put that out there. That was a good bit of improv, Wade. I appreciate it.

[Wade]

Like, fuck you guys. Fuck you all for watching and listening. And fuck you, too, for putting this together.

[Bob]

It's scripted. Do you not see this? Is it too hard to read the scripted part?

[Wade]

It said I began my comedy routine, which I did, and then you guys had to talk shit. And it says I'm an asshole, so I'm trying to be an asshole. Which is, I think.

[Bob]

What I'm doing the part where it says wait in capitals. That's. Oh, you know what? This is too hard to read. I thought it would format it better than this. This is too hard to read. Now that I'm. See.

[Mark]

Send it to me. I'll put it in script format for.

[Wade]

I can read this part. I was just doing my comedy routine and being an asshol.

[Bob]

Here. Wait, can you open this link? What happens when you click on that?

[Wade]

I'm signing in with my Google account to something.

[Bob]

It's fine, it's fine.

[Wade]

I encountered an error.

[Bob]

Son of a bitch.

[Wade]

The only thing I see is fade in. It's dark and stormy.

[Bob]

Well, that's not it. Here, I'm sending you the PDF. The PDF finally happened. I'm sending you the PDF. Okay, I really thought that would work better, but.

[Wade]

Oh, I didn't know that you were supposed to read the other part, so I'm glad that you broke the silence with that because I didn't see the word Bob anywhere.

[Bob]

Yeah, I thought you were just letting it cook. That's fine.

[Wade]

What's up, douchebag? That's right. It's time for Wade's big philosophy funnies. How many of you idiots know what philosophy even is? Oh, do you know, Mark? Do you know? You probably don't know. You dropped out of college. Bob, do you know? Oh, you were so smart, you. I went to law school where I practiced my law. Not at all. And you guys out there, what are you doing with your lives? Not doing anything productive because you're watching us.

[Bob]

You have to be antagonistic towards the show.

[Wade]

No, no, no. Double no. Idiot. Look at this guy hair. Anyway, you're all stupid, so I'll just tell you. Philosophy is whatever someone smarter than you tells you what to believe. Since I'm clearly the smart one here, I'll just tell you all how to live. So, Jean Paul Sartor. I don't even know how to pronounce his fucking name because I'm also an idiot. Is writing being and nothingness at a local cafe? When the barista comes up and asks him if he wants anything, Sartre says, yes, I'd like a coffee, please. No milk. The barista responds, I'm sorry, monsieur, we're out of milk. Would you like it with no cream instead? Don't you just love Jean Paul Sartre? Jean Paul?

[Bob]

No. Oh, yeah. Mark, you have a line. Say who? Who?

[Wade]

Who? Anyway, Descartes is sitting at a bar having a drink. The bartender asked him if he Would like another? I think not, he says and disappears. You guys don't get it because you're fucking stupid. What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question? Two behaviorists have sex. One turns the other and says, that was good for you. How was it for me?

[Mark]

Oh, these are the jokes.

[Bob]

Is that philosophy?

[Wade]

How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb? Depends on how you define change. Well, that's my time. You're welcome for all the wisdom I just dropped. Stay stupid. All right.

[Bob]

The script just says he has to decide when it's time to come back. That he's supposed to just stay off camera until he thinks it's time to come back. So we're free now. Well, that's way shorter than I expected.

[Wade]

You guys complimenting my performance?

[Bob]

You think that was. You think that was true to the script? Do you think that was a long enough break there? I thought you'd be gone for.

[Wade]

Oh, I thought it said I decide.

[Bob]

I didn't know. What do you know any of those jokes meant? I didn't. Honestly, I expected you to be able to pronounce. Yeah, they're the French guy's name.

[Wade]

I don't think I ever read any. I don't. I don't. I never read any of his work.

[Mark]

I finally got the rhetorical question one. Way too late.

[Wade]

That's great.

[Mark]

I got the rhetorical question.

[Wade]

What about Descartes? I think, therefore I am. And he says, I don't think, therefore he disappears because he's not. Since he doesn't think.

[Mark]

What was the question?

[Bob]

Descartes. He said, I think, therefore I am. And then they asked him if he wants to appear. He says, I think not. And then he isn't anymore because he doesn't think. Oh, he disappears.

[Mark]

I see. I got it.

[Wade]

Philosopher's changing a light bulb. But, like, the word change depends on what they do to the light bulb or how the light bulb. Okay.

[Bob]

Do you know what behavior believe or what that. Do you know what that is? I don't know that one, but I really like the. It was good for you. Was it good for me? I think that's a hell of a lun.

[Wade]

Yeah, I imagine behaviorists focus on other people's behavior. So, like, they're probably like, I don't know. I've never studied behaviorism.

[Bob]

Do you know anything about philosophy? You're pretty rude about the whole thing.

[Wade]

But what is knowing?

[Bob]

It's when you know something and you could tell someone else what it is.

[Wade]

See, for me, philosophy was More about learning to think than it was remembering stupid facts. Like facts get in the way.

[Bob]

I think facts are knowledge. I think you're talking about wisdom.

[Wade]

Explains why you didn't get any of the humor.

[Bob]

That's the only scripted bit I have. Not a very good screenwriter.

[Mark]

No, it was great. I loved it.

[Wade]

I. I enjoyed it. I liked my intro with the coin and the cigar and I liked my comedy philosophy. Jokes. I thought that was all great. Much better than the last bit with the noises and pictures.

[Bob]

Ah, the noises.

[Wade]

Okay man.

[Mark]

Why?

[Wade]

Great show. Great episode. You guys did a good job.

[Mark]

I apologize, Wade. I didn't write you an outro, so you're on your own.

[Wade]

Oh, is this the outro time?

[Mark]

Unless you got more show, I'm ready.

[Wade]

I don't know, Bob. Is it my outro time?

[Bob]

Would you like me to come up with something on the fly for you to do or would you?

[Wade]

No, no, if you're good. I just want to make sure I have satisfied the requirements under one man show. Constitutional law. All good. I'll do an outro. Look at me. Hehehe. I just did all of that. Dumb shit. Bald. Hope you enjoyed. I was super toyed with. Thanks for watching Distractible. One of us probably won. I'm going to hand it over to these two now to determine who that was.

[Mark]

Oh, well, you know, it's a tough choice. It was a real tough battle out there. I think that, you know, I wrote.

[Bob]

Down a lot of points and almost none of them were for Wade.

[Mark]

Yeah, almost none.

[Wade]

Who else could they be for?

[Bob]

I just said anyone who's not Wade on my scorecard. I don't know. I guess technically Wade has to win it though if we're going to follow our own made up rules. That don't mean anything.

[Mark]

Yeah, I mean, it's his show, he's the only one competing.

[Bob]

So congratulations I guess are in order. You did it over.

[Wade]

It's done.

[Mark]

Your prize is a lifetime supply of packing peanuts going to be flooded by hoes into your house.

[Bob]

Every window we've already tapped.

[Mark]

We've conquered your H Vac system. We're going to be pumping it in from below and above.

[Wade]

That would actually be okay. The noises, sir.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Wade]

Was that.

[Bob]

That was the intro again.

[Wade]

I think packing peanuts in the wind. Like filling a house with packing, even a room would be the worst prank someone could pull on me.

[Game Master]

Noted.

[Wade]

You guys want to give like a loser speech? Do I give the loser speech?

[Bob]

We didn't lose.

[Wade]

Who did? Me.

[Bob]

I think everyone lost. I definitely think there should be a Styrofoam warning on the top of this episode. I know you're not the only person who dislikes those sounds, and there was a lot of that.

[Wade]

I'm thankful that most of those were relatively mild. There were a few that gave me the chills, but most of them were relatively mild. And I appreciate that.

[Bob]

Try to keep it fun here.

[Wade]

You know, most cases worse than the actual noise. There were some bad noises. You got some bad ones. Well put. Good to see you boys. Glad it came back like this. Man, I've got so many ideas next episode. I don't know which one I'm gonna pick. So stay tuned.

[Bob]

I guess one of us should do the outro, huh? Check out the follow the podcast in the merch. What all that shit we usually say.

[Mark]

Anyway, people keep saying, hey, why don't.

[Wade]

We just stock more?

[Mark]

Is like we have been each time we have stocked more than we did last time. It's not a ploy, you guys just buy it. And so next time we'll order more.

[Bob]

Where we're working on it should say there's Valentine's Day stuff coming that no one has not been public yet. So see if that's there. Unless you catch it in the first hour, it's probably sold out, so you really gotta be on top of it. But okay, bye. Podcast out.

[Narrator]

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