Wade's Worst House Issues (Compilation)

Summary

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Distractible Podcast: "Wade's Worst House Issues (Compilation)"

Release Date: March 7, 2026
Hosts: Mark Fischbach (A), Wade Barnes (C), Bob Muyskens (B)

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Episode Overview

This episode of Distractible is a hilarious and exasperated tour through Wade's never-ending parade of home disasters. In a greatest-hits style collection, Mark, Bob, and—especially—Wade chronicle stories of floods, broken toilets, mystery smells, and every imaginable form of domestic malfunction. At its heart, it's a vent session, but with plenty of signature Distractible banter, self-deprecation, and sympathy fatigue.

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Key Discussion Points

The Toilet Plague and Bathroom Madness

• Ohio's Five-Bathroom Phenomenon
  Wade explains the odd “five bathrooms” trend in Ohio homes:

  • “For some reason in Ohio, some of these houses are built...they’re like three bedrooms, but they’re like, you know what? You need five bathrooms…No, you don’t. You don’t wish you had five bathrooms.” (C, 00:47)
  • Multiple stories about replacing all the toilets—and why four or five is apparently standard in Cincinnati, due to chili, basements, and the need to “dump out on every floor.” (04:01)
  • Mark and Bob debate how anyone could break that many toilets, leading Wade to joke about his “only superpower”:
    • “All of them flood. That’s your only superpower.” (A, 02:51)

• Toilet Failures and Replacements

  • “Three of the five have broken...I was so mad...I literally replaced every toilet in the house.” (C, 01:27)
  • The never-ending blame cycle and “Drowned Man Curse”—Wade is eternally accused by fans (and friends) of spreading plumbing mishaps.
    • “Anytime anybody listening ever has a water issue, I get tweeted and blamed for it.” (C, 02:58)
  • Bob and Mark roast Wade about “prolific shits” and the perils of being “a man who owns five toilets.” (02:54, 02:39)
  • Wade admits, “Technically, I’ve owned 10 in this house.” (C, 02:39)

Plumbing Fiascos & The Backflow Saga

• Disclosure Drama and Thorough Repairs

  • Wade describes being extremely transparent when selling his previous house:
    • “We spent so much money trying to fix everything correctly...I was very upfront because honestly, I am proud of the work we had done in that house...Even things I probably didn’t have to disclose.” (C, 05:07)

• The O-Ring Catastrophe

  • A plumber ruins a critical O-ring while fixing a shower, leaving Wade stranded before a guest visit:
    • “Somehow the plumber took this new O ring and just fucking ripped it in half...They have ghosted me since. I’ve heard nothing.” (C, 06:54)
  • The gang jokes about sneaking water onto Wade’s floors to gaslight him. (B, 07:31)

• Legendary Mud Showers and Backward Pipes

  • Repeat issues with “mud” coming up in basement showers, leading to discovery of a failed backflow prevention system (and some gross details):
    • “I went to refill the dog bowl in the bathroom faucet and it came out like milky white...The basement has had some clogging problems...then a couple of times the shower drain has had things like some mud or something come out of it. Oh, mud. Yeah. ...It’s not mud. Not mud.” (C, 37:54-38:04)
  • A botched backflow installation results in sewer water flowing the wrong way, and Wade needing major repairs:
    • “Apparently they installed it backwards. Can you install a pipe backwards? I thought the flow could go either way. Apparently not. It’s like a goddamn minnow bucket.” (C, 44:34)
  • A particularly gross photo of the “turd-covered drain” is described in on-air live reaction.
    • “I texted it to you...Come on, show it on camera.” (C, 48:59)
    • “Wow. Ooh. Ooh, man…You live with that.” (A, 49:06/B, 49:06)

The Maple Syrup Mystery & HVAC Nightmares

• Gas Leaks or Pancakes?

  • Wade’s infamous “maple syrup smell” outside leads to a comedy of escalating expert visits and unexpected birthday finger-sniffing:
    • “I don’t like to admit it to anyone, but, yes. I paid this man $60 to come to my house so I could smell his fingers on my birthday. Or did you? Yes. Three separate times I smelled this man’s fingers.” (C, 16:21)
  • No explanation is ever found:
    • “We never solved the mystery of the maple syrup.” (C, 21:42)
    • “Did it go away?” “I don’t smell it anymore...it was either the AC unit or some animal’s urine. Apparently, animal urine can smell like maple syrup.” (C/B, 21:46)

• Birthday Surprise...with Disaster

  • Friends fly in for a surprise party—only for Wade to spend his birthday shelling out $16,000 for a new furnace and AC unit, thanks to the maple syrup investigation.
    • “Surprise party turned into like, hey, maple syrup, smell my fingers, pay 16 grand for another furnace and AC unit. Happy birthday.” (C, 20:24)
  • Insult added to injury when the supposed “fun” cake commemorates the disastrous day:
    • "Can this day get any worse?" (C, 21:02)

• Radon & Humming Systems

  • Ongoing torment from a radon mitigation system that emits a “horrible kicking noise every four minutes.” (C, 09:44)
  • Wade’s house is “irradiated”:
    • “You really should stop blocking the radon with the top of your head.” (A, 11:05)
  • Cycle of repairs and “defective fans” with companies giving him the runaround:
    • “Sir, we had a batch of defective fans sent in...We’ll see you in 13 days...Please, no. I can’t do this again.” (C, 52:28)

Haunted Fireplaces and Electrical Oddities

• The Ghost Fireplace
  • Fireplace turns on by itself—including when no one is in the room and the remote is off. (C, 22:52)
  • Eventually traced to bad wiring and an improvised second switch:
    • “Somebody spliced in a second switch...when those wires would arc or touch, fireplace just comes on...We removed that, and now we don’t have ghost fireplace anymore.” (C, 25:26)

The Unending Slog: Sympathy Fatigue and Wade’s Curse

• Bob’s “Sympathy Fatigue”
  • Years of Wade’s horror stories have worn out the others’ ability to care:
    • “You don’t deserve to get sympathy for every single thing that happens to you, Wade...I have none left to give. I’m an empty cup, sir.” (B, 53:13)
  • Wade’s suffering turns into recurring podcast gold, but the group jokes that it’s time for him to have new types of disasters:
    • “Change themes. Have an electrical issue. Maybe your roof leaks...Move on from plumbing, man. Come on.” (B, 47:41)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Wade (01:13):
  “In my entire life, and I have owned a house...I have never had a toilet break on me...I’ve never seen a toilet shut down.”
• Bob (02:54): “Just take such prolific shits that no toilet will survive for long.”
• Wade (16:21): “I paid this man $60 to come to my house so I could smell his fingers on my birthday...three separate times I smelled this man’s fingers.”
• Wade (20:24):
  “Surprise party turned into like, hey, maple syrup, smell my fingers, pay 16 grand for another furnace and AC unit. Happy birthday.”
• Wade (25:26):
  “Somebody spliced in a second switch for the on off. And the second switch had exposed wires about a quarter of an inch apart. And when those wires arc or touch, the fireplace just comes on…now we don’t have ghost fireplace anymore.”
• Bob (53:13): “You don’t deserve to get sympathy for every single thing that happens to you, Wade...I have none left to give. I’m an empty cup, sir.”
• Wade (54:02):
  “You’re fatigued? Try being me.”

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Key Segments with Timestamps

• Five Toilets and Floods: 00:28–04:47
• The Drowned Man Curse: 02:58–03:55
• Toilet Replacement Rationale: 05:53–06:56
• The Maple Syrup Mystery and HVAC Hell: 09:39–21:46
• Surprise Birthday Furnace Disaster: 14:49–20:32
• Haunted Fireplace: 22:52–26:13
• Radon Mitigation Mayhem: 09:44, 26:31–28:38, 52:08–53:13
• Backflow, Mud Showers, and "Real" Plumbing Horror: 37:55–44:34
• Sympathy Fatigue Manifesto: 53:13–54:02

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Tone & Style

Conversational, self-deprecating, often absurd, with a blend of exasperation, sarcasm, and friendship-roasting. The trio riff off each other, escalate each story, and blend genuine advice with over-the-top gags.

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Summary Takeaway

“Wade’s Worst House Issues” is a testament to the absurd, Sisyphean struggles of homeownership—with Wade as Distractible’s martyr. If you’ve ever felt cursed by your own house, Wade’s marathon of busted toilets, sewage mishaps, ghost fireplaces, and endless repairs will make you laugh, groan, and feel profoundly understood (or lucky by comparison). The episode is a running inside joke, a therapy session, and an informal warning to anyone moving to Cincinnati.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

From brown muddy showers to miscellaneous mishaps.

[B]

Yes,

[C]

it's time for Wade's worst house issues. Have we. Have we talked much since I had to replace five toilets?

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

When did you have to replace five toilets?

[B]

That's like all the toilets at your house.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

For some reason in Ohio, some of these houses are built. They're like three bedrooms, but they're like, you know what? You. You need five bathrooms. And everyone's like, oh, man, five bathrooms. I wish I had five. No, you don't. You don't wish you had five bathrooms.

[B]

Everyone in Ohio only eats junk food, so they just constantly have the runs.

[C]

Right.

[B]

So you need toilets close by in case you got a diarrhea.

[C]

I guess so. I don't know why there are so many bathrooms, but let me tell you, all that it means is literally more shit to clean. So much.

[A]

It's so bizarre. In my entire life, and I have owned a house, I have lived in apartments, I have never had a toilet break on me. I've never seen a toilet, like, just in my own home, at least just. Yeah, I've never seen a toilet shut down.

[B]

Three.

[C]

Three of the five have broken. And I was so mad. I was so fed up because we had water damage in the same ceiling. That Mormon guy was. I was just like, you know what? I'm done. I don't care what it cost. I called and I was like, bring me five toilets, install them. Do my bidding today. Like, oh, we can do it tomorrow. I was like, fine, tomorrow. I literally replaced every toilet toilet in the house. Because I was just like, I'm so fed up. I'm tired of, like, every six months finding more water damage. They're like, we replaced the spickity spookity inside the backity backity. You won't have any more drips. It's like, oh, well, right off, because I will.

[B]

That plumber who talks like that is definitely a key component of your problem. I think if you paid a guy to come into your house and he was all ooh the spickity spookety in

[C]

the back of the back.

[B]

That's a red flag, Wade. That's a bad start. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. That's no good.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

What's going on with you?

[C]

Nothing. I've been locked in my house for, like, two weeks since we got back. We got family visiting here soon, so I gotta, like, clean house. It's like, oh, I feel better. Time to clean toilets. So that's my week coming up. Very exciting stuff.

[B]

It takes, like, five minutes to clean a toilet.

[C]

What do you. This house has five. I live in a house with five toilets. I have a man who owns five toilets. Wow. Man. And I replaced them all once, so technically I've owned 10 in this house.

[A]

Yeah. All of them flood. That's your only superpower.

[B]

Just take such prolific shits that no toilet will survive for long.

[C]

Anytime anybody listening ever has a water issue, I get tweeted and blamed for it. Like, anytime someone's like, I spilled my coffee at work, they got my desk wet. Drowned man curse. It's like, I don't think so.

[B]

Yeah, I couldn't imagine what that must be like. And Mark definitely has no idea.

[A]

Mm, yeah, nothing like that. Anyway, Bob, how's your fridge?

[B]

It's fine. Actually, you know what? It's still a piece of. And I hate it every day.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Just stand there eating it. Things are actually pretty good. We got rid of our old house, so I'm no longer a man with ten toilets. I'm only a man with five.

[B]

You have five toilets?

[C]

Dude, I feel like every house we've ever looked at in Cincinnati, for some reason, it's like one bedroom, five toilets.

[B]

You know what? I just. I say that, but I. We do have four toilets in my house. I forgot.

[C]

I mean, for Cincinnati, man. I don't know. It's because we have chili or what it is, but they're like, you need toilets. You need so many toilets.

[B]

You got to have the capacity to dump out on every floor of your house, at least one location. Okay.

[C]

You got to have a master bathroom. If you have. If you have a two story house in a basement, which I feel like a basement's pretty standard here, but you have a basement toilet, a main floor toilet, a master toilet, and then, like one upstairs guest toilet. You have to have at least four toilets. Otherwise it's not really, really a house. It's a weird warehouse. You've been set up. You're on, like, Ashton Kutcher's punk. Was he the one that hosted Punk?

[B]

I think so, actually.

[C]

So if you don't have four toilets or more in Cincinnati, you're. You're on an episode of Punk'd. I've lived here all my life. It's been a 20 year buildup. He's coming. Ashton is coming.

[B]

All right, so that's doing well for you.

[C]

Well, having five less toilets is great.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's the takeaway from.

[C]

All right, thank you for the time.

[B]

Wait, no. Can I. I don't. So I don't want to get into the details of the transaction because I don't want to dox you or anyone, but what. How is the. The disclosures on your old house in regards to all the water damage stuff?

[C]

I was very transparent.

[B]

Do you write like a five page paper of, like. And then this toilet leak and it came through this ceiling and there's pictures in the, in the appendix for every issue we had.

[C]

We spent so much money trying to fix everything correctly and we redid, like, pipes that, like, on the form, I was like, look, somewhere along the ownership lines, there were a lot of, like, do it yourselfers that really sucked. And we spent whatever, five years redoing their doing. And this happened, this happened, this happened, and this happened. But we did everything we can to fix it, right? And we did this, we did that, we replaced this. Like, I was very upfront because, honestly, I am proud of the work we had done in that house because we thought it would be our forever home. So we were fixing it up to, like, be done correctly for that. So I, I had just, I fully disclosed every. Even things I probably didn't have to disclose. I was like, this happened. We fixed it. You're welcome. Buy my house. I would tell you all what's going on in my life, but other than more plumbing issue, I do have more plumbing issues.

[B]

You have new plumbing issues?

[C]

Yeah. So we had the backflow thing removed right then they wanted to come, like, check everything out. Like, okay, we're just going to come out, do like an inspection, make sure everything's working good. And they came out working good. They're like, well, while we're here, let's go ahead and just test like, we'll do your normal inspection. We'll test your faucets and things. The guest room shower, they went to turn on, like the tub faucet thing, and it was pouring out water. And they're like, all right. They flip it to the shower. Shower, like, trickles out some water. The tub part still pouring out. And then behind the tub part, water starts spraying, like, where it connects to the wall, which is not where it's supposed to be spraying. So we went to replace that, and plumber came back, was like, okay, you guys have the trim thing? I got it. Is it the right one? Yep, this looks like the right one. Great. Didn't take long. Went to install it, and I guess it comes with, like, an O ring that helps seal it. And somehow the plumber took this new O ring and just fucking ripped it in half or something and was like, ah, Well, I can't finish installing it because, you see, this O ring is damaged. I accidentally ripped it whenever I was doing blah, blah, blah, blah. I was like, okay. He's like, don't worry, we got tons of these. I'll get one. Be back out tomorrow to fix it. They have ghosted me since. I've heard nothing.

[B]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[C]

This O ring is lost in the void. Per usual. We've got company coming soon. And I guess I got to rule out that particular bedroom because, well, the bathroom, if you try to use the shower. Also, this is a more subtle thing that doesn't apply to everyone. If you get a generator installed, your generator comes with a set of keys that keeps it locked up so people can't just access it that are going by highly recommend you don't lose the keys because, man, oh, man, can they not inspect the generator if you don't have the keys? Not saying I lost my keys. I'm just telling you all out there. Don't.

[B]

You know what I. That axiom that I live by when you're talking about keys is don't lose them. Doesn't matter if it's for a bike lock, for a cabinet, maybe you got keys for, you know, for some kind of deck box generator. You know what I do is I just keep those. Yeah, no, what you gotta do is you gotta sneak into Wade's house and just start pouring cups of water around the bases of all the toilets.

[C]

Oh, fucking. God damn it. No.

[B]

Wade walks into a dark bathroom, flicks the lights on, and there's like 16 ounces of water on the floor. And he's like, no. Yeah, you're New is the.

[C]

New is the.

[B]

You guys remember when Wade's toilet leaked

[C]

water for, like, two years straight?

[A]

Yes, I did.

[C]

Just this year, I had to replace all the toilets. That happened again this year. Dude.

[A]

My mind was blown because I was on TikTok, just browsing, and I saw someone in a drowned man shirt. And it was just like they were doing a completely different, but not related, they were Just wearing it casually and

[B]

I'm like, oh my.

[A]

Oh my God.

[C]

Oh my God.

[B]

That's cool.

[C]

Yeah, it's very weird. Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

No, seriously, their 5G home Internet speeds are officially the fastest. Which means that when you're downloading all your movies that, that aren't mine, every single one except for mine, you'll get them at the fastest speeds possible, along with all your video calls and uploading files and maybe even streaming something in the background, you know.

[C]

And yeah, it is still a great value backed by a five year price guarantee so your bill doesn't slowly creep up when you're not paying attention. So if you want the fastest 5G home Internet with a simple setup and savings that actually stick, head over to t-mobile.com homeinternet to check availability today. Price guarantee exclusions like taxes and fees apply fastest based on. Oops. Speed test intelligence data second half 2025. All rights reserved.

[A]

But this week we're going to be starting it in an unusual fashion. We're going to be starting with small talk.

[C]

Oh, boy. A lot of great things. A lot of great things. Did you know radon is a thing and there's systems that mitigate it and boy, when those systems go wrong and they buzz for like four or five seconds, they make a horrible kicking noise every four minutes throughout all of your entire life. And you can even hear it in your bedroom and you're trying to go to sleep and like you get that moment where it's like kind of wakes your ass up real quick. So, man, I'm on a kick. Who needs coffee? Energy drinks. When you have radon mitigation, can you

[B]

just turn it off?

[C]

Apparently I can unplug it. I found that out today. Yeah, you should have. I guess if you have a basement or you're near water or whatever else, like a little radon detection. At very, very least, if you do have high radon mitigation is important because radon can eventually lead to lung cancer and other bad things. You don't want that.

[A]

So radon is a radioactive gas that has no smell, color or taste, produced from the natural radioactive decay of uranium, which is found in all Rocks and soils. That was ebay.

[C]

How much? So are you on a list now for searching ebay for radon?

[A]

I don't think so. I don't think radon is really something you could buy in bulk.

[B]

It's a. It's a gas that seeps into basements. I don't think it's.

[C]

Well, you haven't gone to Costco or Sam's and looked for it.

[B]

I was at Costco today. Didn't have any radon.

[A]

Well, that's unfortunate. So weight is irradiated. I mean, I have lenses that are somewhat radioactive, but I think. Think it's okay.

[C]

Do you think that's why I bald? Yeah, it's.

[A]

You really should stop blocking the radon with the top of your head. You should go chin up sometimes.

[C]

I am.

[B]

The mitigation system, it's all absorbing into your scalp to keep your hair away.

[C]

Like, Wade, you're so lazy. You never leave the house. It's like, well, every five minutes, I have to go dunk my head in the radon bucket.

[B]

Has anything bad happened to your house?

[C]

You know, my birthday happened recently. Terrible occurrence.

[B]

What bad thing could happen to a man on his birthday?

[C]

Well, you guys remember the radon mitigation system? I mentioned that once or twice.

[B]

And your fireplace was beeping. You ever get that fixed?

[C]

Fireplace was beeping. So here's what happened. We replaced our sump pump. We replaced a fan for the radon mitigation system. Those things are connected. And then I went outside, and the dogs were outside, you know, sniffing around, going to the restroom. And they both, like, got to a point where they were like, oh, hell, yes. And they took off toward, like, the side of the house. And I was like, what in the fuck are they so excited about? Oh, no. A dead animal. Something terrible. And they ran over to, like, our AC unit, and they were just like, oh. Oh, God, I love this smell. And they were, like, going nuts, running around. And I was like, what in the shit is happening? And I walked over, and I was like, what, was someone eating waffles out here? Because the only thing I could smell was this really strong scent of maple syrup. Most obvious, maple syrup. It could not be mistaken for anything else. It was maple syrup. And I was looking around, and I was like, I don't see anything on the ground. There's this, like, gas line. I guess there's this AC unit. I guess there's this really powerful power cord that says, like, Duke Energy, which is a Cincinnati power company, on it. What could possibly be dangerous right Here. I hope it's not a gas leak. Oh, God, the dog's really crazy. It's a gas leak. I'm gonna blow up and die. Because earlier that day, as Bob mentioned, my fireplace was beeping whenever somebody was outside doing something. I forget what they were doing, but. Oh, we had, like, some wood, like, around. We have a generator, and the wood got damaged around the generator when someone was doing, like, some kind of landscaping thing on the generator itself. So we replaced, like, a piece of wood, and the guy was over there working, and I was like, he replaced the wood on. Around the generator, and he hit a gas line, and now it's leaking a maple syrup smell. We're all going to die. So the first thing I did was I immediately called, like, the gas company, and I was like. They were like, this is after hours in case of emergency. I was like, yes, it could be. And they were like, hey, what's going on? I was like, does gas smell like maple syrup? And they were like, I don't think so. But you know what? I'm going to put. I'm going to get you one of our technicians. They'll call you in a few minutes. We'll get you sorted. And while I was waiting to hear back, I was doing more research. I was like, maple syrup smell. Maple syrup smell. Could be urine, could be an air conditioner mentioning coolant leak. And I was like, AC units right there. AC coolant leak. That's it. I'm gonna call and get someone from the AC company out here. So I called and I was like, hey, you guys know that maple syrup smell? I saw it online. I've got that. And the person was like, never heard that one before. But I. Okay, okay, maybe. Maybe you have an older model.

[B]

No, no, no. You can't trick me. I've got the maple syrup stink.

[C]

I sounded like a madman because I kept calling numbers. I was like, dude, maple syrup. I know, I know it's you. I know it's you. I know. Maple syrup. I got the smell. Maple syrup. So I kept calling, and eventually, like, you know, the. The gas company? The technician called me back and he's like, it would smell like eggs or something. Whatever smell. He told me, like, propane as a scent, other gas as a scent. He was going through a different sense of things. So. Okay, probably not that next. The other person called me. They were like, hey, I can come out tomorrow, take a look if it's your AC coolant. You know, it's fine to wait for a day. I'll come Take a look tomorrow, we'll see what it is. This is on April 2nd. So I'm streaming and then 9 o' clock Eastern, I end my stream and then Molly text me, door, question mark. And I was like, door. And I go upstairs and there's people at my front door. And I'm like, who's at my front door at 9 o' clock at night? Is it the gas company?

[B]

Maple syrup?

[C]

Is it the AC people? I open the door and Tyler is standing outside. I was like, you don't live here. Then our friends Bird and Fu are also outside next to Tyler's, like, you guys also don't live here. You're holding something. Is that a cookie cake? They're like, surprise. It's like, what's happening? Oh, it's my birthday tomorrow. You guys are here the day before my birthday. Surprise. We might have a gas leak. Got their suitcases and stuff. And I was like, come on in. It's definitely safe. Nothing to worry about. So they surprised me. It was awesome. They came in, we hung out. Next day is my birthday, and we're talking about plans, like, oh, we're going to go out and do this. I just got to wait for this technician to come out. He's going to take a look at the ACE unit. Probably to replace something, but, you know, it'll be cool. Dudes shows up, takes a look at the AC unit. And on my birthday, I'm describing this maple syrup smell. And the guy's like, I do smell maple syrup, actually. Like, I've never heard that. Honestly thought you were crazy, but it smells like maple syrup. I was like, I'm not crazy. I know maple syrup. I've had it. I've eaten maple syrup before. I know the smell.

[B]

It goes on waffles, it goes on pancakes, French toast. I know about maple syrup.

[C]

So the guy's trying to convince me it's not the AC unit. And he's like. He's rubbing his hands on the pipes of the thing. He's like, I know this is weird, but, like, I was like, oh.

[A]

For those who are just listening, Wade jutted his fingers towards camera. Not said a word.

[C]

That's what happened was the guy held his fingers toward me, like, in a very. Took me a minute to realize. An attempt to get me to sniff his fingers.

[B]

Well, he didn't want to say out loud the words, smell my fingers.

[C]

I don't like to admit it to anyone, but, yes. I paid this man $60 to come to my house so I could smell his fingers on My birthday, or did you? Yes. Three separate times I smelled this man's fingers.

[A]

Three times. That's a little strange.

[C]

And none of the times that his fingers smell like maple syrup. They were bad. It got away from bad to worse.

[A]

The mystery thickens, you know?

[C]

And there were only two pipes you rubbed on, so I really. I honest, I swear to God, I don't know what the third one was that I smelled, but they were all bad.

[A]

I don't mean to say it, but have you thought about a Canadian ghost?

[C]

Like, I hadn't. There are a lot of Canadian ghost refugees in Ohio.

[A]

Are you.

[C]

Are you.

[A]

Is your house on a Canadian burial ground? Is this, like. I just gotta ask.

[C]

Yes. People. Do. They. They. They have their pilgrimage from Canada to Cincinnati to bury their loved ones where I live quite often. But. Yeah. Smelled his fingers. No maple syrup. Nothing good. Really weird. And the guy's like, okay, well, let me check a couple other things. You have, like, an exhaust pipe over here from your furnace. I'm gonna go check that. Just make sure it's not a gas leak. I've got this fun little thing that looks like a Ghostbuster tool. I'm gonna rub across all your pipes. So we did that. No gas leak. But he did smell our exhaust thing from our furnace. He was like, the scent's kind of strong. I'm gonna go take a look at your furnace. Make sure we. Then I guess I'll get out of here. And the smell doesn't go away. Call someone else. Like, okay, cool. Who do I call? And he's like, ghostbusters voice. Ghostbusters.

[B]

I'm just kidding. I. I don't know. See ya.

[C]

See ya. You exit a bit. You're like, ah, that D didn't land.

[B]

See? Well, I was the guy. It was the guy, right? Yeah. Wade is. Wade is standing there next to the repair technician, and he's like, who. Who do I call? And the guy's like, ghostbusters. No, I'm just kidding. I gotta go. Good luck.

[C]

I don't know, man.

[A]

Just as an exit tool for a conversation I don't want to be in. That's great.

[C]

See ya. See ya. So guy comes in the house, he looks at the furnace, and he's like, all right. It's an older furnace. Let me take a look here to describe what happened. His eyes got wide, and he froze. Didn't say a word. Immediately reached for a valve, turned it, grabbed an orange. I think it was orange. Ticket out of. I don't even know where. Immediately put it around the thing and was like. Like, you need new furnace. I was like, what? Maple syrup? He's like, no, no. Maple syrup.

[B]

Maple syrup.

[C]

He's like, I don't know what made the maple syrup noise, but, like, your heat exchange is. You need a new furnace. Oh, no. Can you just do that real quick? I don't know if you guys remember this, but a year, year and a half ago, old house, guess what had to replace the furnace in the AC unit.

[B]

I do remember that.

[C]

Yeah. So the guy's like, you need a new furnace. And, like, you know, your AC unit, it's newer, but some parts were soldered and welded that aren't supposed to be. It's not really a great brand. And in all honesty, I was gonna just tell you that you might want to look into replacing it at some point before it goes bad, because it was just. It was installed really poorly. And I was like, oh, so if you're gonna do the furnace, you could do a bundle where you do the furnace NAS unit. And I was like, dude, I just did this like, a year ago. Don't do this to me, man. Not you. Not like this, please. Maple syrup. I called you about maple syrup. Don't tell me. The furnace.

[B]

Maple syrup.

[C]

We can have some guys come out tomorrow. I'll have another guy come out today. He'll go over pricing and stuff with, no, I don't want to. I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. Ultimately had to wait. Meanwhile, you know, Tyler Birdfu, they're chilling. They're like, man, we go downtown to Cincinnati. We go to the zoo. We call it Bob Mandy. We hang out, have some fun friend times. I was like, hey, guess what? I got another technician coming in, like, an hour. I'm stuck. But tomorrow, tomorrow we'll do some fun stuff. Guy comes out an hour later, gives me pricing. I agree. Whatever. Yeah. Technician will be out tomorrow around, like, 7:00am to start working on your furnace. 7:00am tomorrow? You mean all my friends are here? How long will it take? A couple hours? Yeah, about eight to ten hours. All my friends here. The surprise birthday party. Okay? So next day we're here, they install the furnace, they install the AC unit. Takes all fucking day. Surprise party turned into like, hey, maple syrup Smell my fingers. Pay 16 grand for another furnace and AC unit. Happy birthday. All right, we got to go to the airport. See you, Wade. Guys, what about hangout now? We're leaving.

[B]

Maple syrup.

[A]

Ah, man. You know, it's such a shame because what should have happened Is they should have all chipped in, got you a new furnace and installed them themselves.

[C]

Yeah. All they brought me was a cake and some plane tickets to fly to see me. Those cheap bastards.

[A]

I swear to God, they must have been chucking maple syrup bottles into your. Your chimney, and it went down into your furnace.

[C]

That was before they were even in town. Here's the kicker. Do you know what the cake said? That they brought me that I looked at.

[B]

Sorry about the maple syrup. Happy Burt. Ran out of letters.

[C]

Close. Mark, you have a guess? No. We have an inside joke from where we went to Disney a year and a half ago, and as sports fans. Birds. A fan of the 49ers. I'm a fan of the Bengals.

[B]

So you're the pat of the worst team.

[C]

Come on, man. Come on, man. A year and a Half ago, the 49ers and Bengals were both in the AFC championship game, and the 49ers had zero quarterbacks. Their quarterback, like, broke both of his arms. Their other quarterback had a concussion. They were to the point where they had a quarterback who could not throw. All he could do is hand the ball off. They lost. The joke phrase of the day became, can this day get any worse? Later that night, the Bengals lost to the Chiefs after one of the Bengals players tackled Patrick Mahomes three miles out of bounds. And we said, can this day get any worse? So they brought me a cookie cake that jokingly said, can this day get any worse? And then my furnace and AC unit broke. It covers.

[B]

So what smelled like maple syrup?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What was the maple syrup about?

[C]

Never solved the mystery of the maple syrup.

[B]

Did it go away?

[C]

I didn't. So I've gone out and I've smelled a couple times. I don't smell it anymore. So my best guesses are it was in fact the AC unit or it was some animal's urine, because apparently some animal could have something going on where their urine can have, like, a maple syrupy smell.

[B]

Canadians.

[C]

But the weird thing is the smell seemed like it was higher up on, like, some bushes. It was, like, middle up on these bushes. So it wasn't like. It had to have been like.

[B]

It was chica, chica, chica.

[C]

Shat on Mark's vision pro then came and pissed on my bushes.

[B]

She's learning how to defecate. Higher.

[C]

Mark, go smell your vision pro. Does it smell like maple syrup?

[B]

Did you taste the poop? Are you sure it's not maple syrup?

[A]

No. Yeah.

[C]

So, Bob, as you know, we had a little bit of an issue with our Radon mitigation system, if you heard about that, where we had to have that fixed a couple times.

[B]

I remember being very sympathetic to that issue, if I recall correctly. Yes, Maple syrup.

[A]

Maple syrup.

[C]

I think I talked about on here how we had someone come look at our AC unit that smelled like maple syrup. And then it turned out we needed a new furnace. Two days ago, I was upstairs, and I was watching TV or watching a show or something, and we have a gas fireplace, and the fireplace turned on, and I was like, oh, man.

[B]

Of its own accord.

[C]

Molly must have turned it on. I looked over, and the remote's next to me. Keeters is asleep on my lap. The puppies are asleep on my lap or next to me, and Molly's not even there. And I went, huh? So no one turned it on, but that is a fire. I looked at the remote. The remote said off. I am looking at a fire right now.

[B]

Well, it was off, so clearly not, I guess.

[C]

Let me go feel it. Yep, that's warm. Like fire. All right.

[B]

Way to. He who walks over to his fireplace

[C]

two weeks ago, Molly's like, yeah, the fireplace turned on by itself. And I was like, okay, the cat stepped on the remote. Something happened to do this. Like, whatever. Fire just doesn't. Gas just coming in and igniting on its own. That doesn't make any sense. But now that I witnessed that, I'm like, man, my wife's not a liar. That's crazy. Looking into it, apparently after a while, guess fireplace got, like, wires or things could go wrong where fireplaces go bad and have to be fixed or replaced. But I'm starting to think, man, that there's a Wade problem with homeownership.

[B]

Are you about to be the burned man?

[C]

The scorched man, everything in the old house. You guys, like, rarely tell me about shit going wrong in your houses. But every now and then, every week, I'm like, yeah, dude, had to replace this, had to replace that. Hey, guess what? Apparently, every, like, 10, 15 years, you have to replace a gas fireplace. So guess what? I'm calling soon gas fireplace company. Come look at our fireplace. Because I feel like a gas fireplace turning on by itself is bit sketch.

[B]

No, that's not great. It's good that it did ignite itself or whatever. Yeah. Does it have, like, a pilot, or is it, like. Like, we have gas fireplaces where it's a switch on the wall. You turn it on, and it doesn't have a pilot light, but it has a little electric thing that ignites it. But if that doesn't work. You're just letting gas flow into your house.

[C]

Couldn't tell you. I know how to shut the gas off to it, and I know where the button on the remote that says on is.

[B]

Fancy.

[A]

Well, if there was a pilot light and just lit, that means there's gas leaking in there, so it's probably not great. So I'd keep the fire on if I were fireplace.

[C]

We solved the mystery of our ghost fireplace. Remember I told you, like, months ago, our fireplace was turning itself on?

[A]

Wasn't that tied into the whole maple syrup smell debacle?

[C]

It was around the same time we decided, well, okay, we. I decided. I was like, you know, our fireplace is turning itself on. That's probably safe. Let's wait four months to get someone to look at it. So finally got someone to look at it and somehow didn't explode. It turned out. So under this gas fireplace, there's a little panel you can open up, and there's a switch in there. So if your remote dies, you can turn it on. Just have it on. You can turn it off, or you can turn to where the remote work. Cool. Makes sense. There's also a separate little function where you can turn the gas on or off to it.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[C]

Somebody spliced in a second switch for the on off. And the second switch had exposed wires about a quarter of an inch apart. And when those wires arc or touch, the fireplace just comes on. And it turns out whenever, apparently it was, like, getting hot or something under there, it would either arc or the wires would be close enough to where they would just spark and turn the firepl on. So we removed that, and now we don't have ghost fireplace anymore.

[B]

Do you have any idea why they may have done that?

[C]

Nope. And neither did the guy that was looking at it. He was like, huh. I've never seen a fireplace with two on off switches underneath in the emergency on off switch that are connected and therefore only work if the other one still has power.

[B]

Yeah, that's an interesting choice.

[C]

I don't know why, but it's gone. And now fireplace save.

[A]

Wade, how is your mood doing knowing that you're a full inch shorter than Bob?

[C]

Blood sugar probably okay. Blood pressure probably slightly elevated. Do you guys remember a certain noise? I may have talked about a nice every six minute.

[A]

You talking about the Michigan Hum or whatever it was?

[C]

It's my version. It's called the radon mitigation system, and

[B]

it's back with some kind of ghost ruining your radon system. What's going on?

[C]

I don't know, but it lasted a full like month and a half and all of a Sudd every six minutes. Well, right now it's like every 10 to 12, so it's not quite as severe.

[B]

I thought you had people come fix that. And also paid them a lot of money, I assume.

[C]

And guess what phone call I'm making As soon as this episode ends, I

[A]

would love for you to get a Geiger counter. Do you know what a Geiger counter is?

[C]

To know what a Geiger counter is, I'm not a fool.

[A]

And some people may not know what a Geiger counter is. And we're not going to explain it because apparently everyone knows what a Geiger counter is. So if you're listening at home and you don't know what that is, is, that's a problem for you.

[C]

Idiot. Hey, I've got friends that I had to teach what bipedal meant and they acted like I was some snob for knowing it. They're like, who uses the term bipedal? Who knows what that means? And I was like, I thought everyone. Yeah, why wouldn't.

[A]

Anyway, we're not going to explain it either.

[C]

For all of you who don't know

[A]

it, we don't want to come off as a snob. So I'm going to give you a point for snobbery. But have you noticed any side effects? Are you. Your eyes are a little red?

[C]

No. Other than trying to fall asleep and be like, oh, peace.

[B]

And I just. I have to say, I didn't know radon systems could even be so loud. Every house I've lived in in Ohio has had one. Never heard it make a noise my entire life.

[C]

Like once every five or 10 years, you're supposed to replace that fan. It's been a month.

[B]

Not a great sign. There must be something going on.

[C]

You got.

[B]

You got like squirrels in your radon tubes.

[C]

So I found out. I don't know if I told you guys, the fan is actually not even on the inside. So they've got like the system, the tubes and stuff inside that go like down into like the. I don't know if it's like just a hole in the basement or what it is, but basically the radon supposed to collect down there. Then the fan will turn, suck it out and shoot it through a tube and get it out of your house. So the fan is into a pipe that's outside. But for some reason, when that fan is going bad, it shakes the whole house. And it's not even that big. It's Like a container that's like, yay big. That's the fan that somehow rattles the whole house.

[A]

I've got a solution for you. You go to target, you get a box fan. Shove that bad boy up against that thing, duct tape it in place, run it at max speed. Problem solved.

[B]

Box fans are good, man. Making beef jerky, getting rid of radon, all kinds of stuff.

[A]

I actually used a box fan back before. I didn't know how overclocking worked, and I opened the side of my computer

[B]

and shoved a box fan inside and

[A]

then proceeded to promptly fry my graphics card into oblivion.

[C]

Now, you're supposed to use water cooler. Use one of those fans that sprays water.

[B]

What you want to do is fill the bathtub up, and then you just dip it in there. That'll keep it cool.

[A]

Absolutely. So box fans, very versatile. Ignore what I said about blowing up my graphics card. It'll sa your life.

[B]

Anyway, the toilet. The same toilet that was leaking three other times. It's leaking again and more. So that's different. And I didn't poop my pants, but I did. I went to go use the bathroom, I pulled my pants down, and they touched it. They touched the toilet water. Those pants are dead to me.

[C]

Do you think there's a plumber conspiracy in Cincinnati where they intentionally screw up our plumbing? Is our water just super hard? Is it the water company? Why are there so many water issues in Cincinnati?

[B]

Well, I don't think that breaks toilets. I think water water hardness probably clogs faucets and breaks water heaters. But the toilet's a mystery. You know what? I'm going to be super honest, and this is. This is kind of gross. Probably as a. As a large man who weighs a lot, I've had this problem in the past, but usually once is enough. Usually the toilet just needs to be re. Receded with a new thingy, a new wax or whatever, wax ring or whatever, and then that's it. It. Because I. Because, like, if it's not bolted down properly and then I'm. I'm very heavy. I can make it move a little bit. And this isn't even that. I told the guy when he was here last time, I was like, look at me. I'm fat. This is who this toilet's got to hold up, man.

[C]

No, no, no. It's some kind of Cincinnati plumber conspiracy. Aliens. It's something.

[A]

Or you stop shitting so hard. Five head.

[C]

Come on.

[A]

If you didn't blast ass so powerfully, if you didn't have Such strong shit

[C]

muscles, which I'm assuming are muscles. Muscles. It's a tertiary muscle.

[A]

Can I take away points?

[C]

Can I take away points?

[B]

You get a tertiary point. Wade.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I had a very Wade like issue. Yeah, Just have water come out of a wall.

[C]

Oh, that one.

[B]

It's interesting when that happens. I think we know what happened and I think it's okay. Which is a weird thing to say about water coming out of a wall. But sometimes toilets just leak. All of the toilets in our house apparently are reaching the age where the flushy part is wearing out. And one of them was like, like it was like wearing out in a way where it ran and overflowed itself. I don't know. It's not great.

[C]

Everyone judged me when I ripped out all five and replaced them at once, but trust me.

[B]

Yeah, well, we're not replacing all of the toilets in the entire house all at once.

[C]

You might as well, because it's only going to cause more problems.

[B]

I'm replacing the flush mechanism in like two of them.

[C]

I tried that once. It didn't work.

[B]

You just probably did it bad. You probably paid some idiot if you.

[C]

If at first you don't succeed, rip out your toilets. Hehehe. You know the saying, they're fine, the

[B]

toilets are fine, kids are all right. We just need new flushy dos, whatever the hell those things are called.

[C]

I remember when I used to think that naive I was back then.

[A]

All right, well, I don't know why toilets would fail so soon.

[C]

I feel like soon my toilets are

[B]

like 10 years old.

[A]

Yeah, I feel like they should last longer than that because you got. You got truck stops in the middle of the desert that have gone through like a cavalcade of a million truckers all eating tacos and burritos and Fritos nonstop on their journeys. And they're still running.

[C]

That's because the handles are so gross. No one ever flushes those. That's why they're always so nasty when we walk in.

[A]

That's fair. I guess that's fair.

[B]

Did I tell you guys about how our H vac system was leaking water onto the floor of our basement for a while? And it turns out it's because there's a. It has a humidifier built into it. And the little hose for the humidifier just like got tweaked and was just pissing water out onto the floor. That wasn't great.

[C]

I don't think you mentioned that one. But no, that sucks.

[B]

That happened. We took a while to figure that one out. That Was weird. Our deck is falling apart. Our deck is on this house. It's not that old. The deck is literally crack. Like, the steps are literally cracking into pieces, and it's super dangerous, and I don't know how to fix it. So I'm gonna have to come hire. Hire someone to come build some deck stairs or something. I never complained about that.

[C]

No, you should. I need. I need more people to complain about house issues. So I know I'm not alone.

[B]

Because, like, the rest of it seems fine. It's just the steps are kind of crumbling, which is in my brain.

[C]

All of you guys, like, never have to change a filter. Your furnace has always worked. Everything's always great, great. And then, like, I'm like, yeah, I want to change a filter and the wall collapse. You guys like, oh, can't believe that. What's so weird? Because, like, it's starting to feel like home ownership is only a thing. That's a problem for me.

[B]

The water pressure in our house is really bad, and we need a new hot water heater. And possibly our house is just totally fucked because our. Our county has really hard water, and so there's buildup in all the pipes.

[C]

Ohio is a hard water thing. Yeah.

[B]

I could complain. Wait. I just choose not. I could choose what I complain about.

[C]

I choose to complain. I need more people to do it.

[B]

I don't want to. I complain about funny stuff, not house stuff stuff. Your house stuff is funny because you get shit like mud guy and toilets that leak for no apparent reason. My house stuff is, like boring house crap that's not funny. And it gets fixed after I pay someone to fix it.

[C]

Usually fireplace that turns itself on. It's always weird things. Oh, yeah.

[A]

I feel like that's the least weird of the things.

[B]

That is weird, though. I mean, that's. That's not good. You don't want an appliance that could be leaking natural gas into your house to start behaving weirdly. That's concerning.

[C]

That's the freaky part. Yeah. It's like, for it to turn on, it means there is both gas and an ignition happening that I didn't tell it to do.

[B]

Well, as long as it does both. I guess that's better than one or the other.

[A]

But true problems that make themselves known

[C]

are way better than problems that sneak

[A]

up on you in the middle of the night. Bob, what were you saying?

[C]

That's how he reacts to my small talk. Bob, I'm so sorry. You are? Me?

[B]

Yeah. I really am. The new. The new blitz, aren't I? You know, I was out. I was out back the other day and my house, for no reason, my house smelled like Cool Ranch Doritos. And again, I was like, whoa, what happened? And then I called and I asked the guy and he was like, oh, your air conditioner is going to explode. We better replace it.

[A]

How's your radon?

[B]

I did tons of radon. The radon coming out my ears. And every time the radon fan turns on to make more radon, it's all radon. So fucking annoying. God, drive me insane. Every three and a half minutes that happens, I got a fireplace that won't turn off. It's just a constant fire. It won't go away. I can put water on it. I ejected it into a vacuum. Nothing.

[C]

I'm going to start documenting with photos and videos everything we go through. So you guys don't think I'm just making shit up.

[B]

Me too. Me too. This is all real stuff. It's happening right now.

[C]

Cool Ranch Doritos. That is a reference from like 2014. Like a charity stream in like 2012, 2014. Somewhere in that range, right? What did Cool Ranch Doritos keep away?

[B]

It kept away the Werecats were king of the werecats. We told a scary story about going out into the Catskills, which everyone thought I said cats. Cat scales. Catskill mountains. And somehow I became king of the were hats in my piss covered pea coat. It's a pea coat made of pee, not a pea coat made of wool. And Cool Ranch Doritos are what you put out on the windowsills to keep the Werecats at bay.

[A]

That's such a strange. That's crazy.

[C]

I've got a poop related story.

[B]

All right, that's the episode.

[C]

Ah, yeah. So you guys know I talked to Bob about this earlier today. How I feel like, was it called Munchausen? The people that go to the doctor don't really need to. They just like going to the doctor. I feel like people look at me like I'm that but for plumbers, because I have another plumber tail. So we had a new kitchen faucet installed. And whenever the person came to install the kitchen faucet, I was like, hey, can you take a look at our bathroom faucet too? I had. Well, our kitchen faucet wasn't working. I went to refill the dog bowl in the bathroom faucet and it came out like milky white. And that was disconcerting. So then I dumped it out, cleaned it out, and I used like the filtered system that we have and mixture of that and bottled water. And he's like, oh, yeah, let me take a look. He's like, okay, it's mineral buildup this and that. If you get a sink or if you get a new faucet, I can install it for you, but you have to get one that's, like, you know, fits the sink, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then he's like, well, I'm here. Let me take a look at some of your other plumbing things too, because some of them might have similar issues. So we took a look, like our sinks and bathrooms and toilets and things. Ultimately came to the conclusion that two of the toilets upstairs were. Some of the flaps and stuff were starting to have issues. They were older toilets. And he's like, you could try to fix the innards. Probably better to replace it, and it'll be cheaper in the long run if you just get a new toilet in there. So we replaced two toilets and two sinks, and nothing went wrong. Knock on wood. Except for a couple days later, I went to turn on the kitchen sink, and the kitchen sink has, like, the top half that swivels, and then the base with the handle that's not supposed to swivel. I want to turn it on, and the base also swivel. And I was like, well, that doesn't seem right. I don't think the whole thing's supposed to turn. This isn't like a fun little puzzle. Put it together. Then you get to wash your hands. It's supposed to be just. You turn on the sink and water comes out, and you can aim the top. I've also had some issues with. The basement has had some clogging problems. The basement toilet had some clogging issues. And then a couple of times the shower has. The shower drain has had things like some mud or something come out of it.

[B]

Oh, mud. Yeah. Get a lot of mu and drains.

[C]

Yeah. I was like, I don't know why there's mud coming out of our shower. I should probably have him look at that. Well, it's not mud. Not mud.

[B]

Stinky mud.

[C]

Yeah. So we went to clean it out. He had one of his little, like, tunnel snakes, whatever the hell they're called. No, that's. That's Fallout three, the tunnel snakes.

[A]

No, tunnel snakes. I think that's correct.

[B]

I think. I think either tunnel snake or tunnel.

[C]

Yeah, he has tunnel. And he put it in. He put it in my toilet hole and was like, well, there's no clog here, so we're gonna have to go look at another pipe. So we go into, like, the unfinished part of the basement, and he's like, opening up pipes and putting his.

[B]

Putting a snake in your pipes?

[C]

He's putting a snake in my pipes.

[B]

If only you'd been able to pay him.

[C]

We open the door and there's like. So the water heater has, like, a drain next to it, right? There's a pipe that goes in the water heater to this drain. So that way, if your water heater has issues, the water goes somewhere instead of throughout your house. Well, that drain was supposed to have a white cover. It was brown. And the. There was wetness around it, also brown. It's like, man, there's a lot of mud coming into our house. That's weird. And the guy opened up one of the pipes, and for some reason, he opened up, like, three or four different pipes. One of them he opened up, and immediately the horrible sewer smell that no one wants to have, like, was like, oh, God. And sat in our basement for, like, three days. It was awful. But he found this backflow prevention system, ultimately the backflow prevention system, which is like a cylinder with a flat flap. And when you flush or run water, the flap opens, stuff goes through, flap closes. If anything ever comes the opposite way, like if there's a backup, the flap is closed. So things can't come back up into your house. The problem is if the flap itself is either clogged or blocked, then the stuff can't get out and it stops. And then the things attached to the other side of the backflow comes out that way. He opened it up, and immediately, whenever we went to open it up, the lid was cracked in half and was just laying there, not usefully inside. There's like a gap and then like a little twisty lid. That twisty lid had like a rubber band sealing band or whatever around it that was oversized and, like, corroded and not fitting properly. And then laying on top of that lid was the flap. So when he opened it up, there's no flap. So this system exists. It's supposed to stop backflow. And it's not working at all because the thing that stops the backflow was taken out and just sitting there. And the pipe goes from 4 inch diameter, I think, to 3 inch diameter right before you get to the cylinder. Cylinder. So it kind of constrains the solids, as he called it. And then it got into the cylinder. Things, I guess, started, like, coalescing, gathering there, having a nice little party and causing some of the backup issues. And this had happened before. We even moved in. When we first moved in the house, we had some construction. My office was built. I noticed that the shower had mud in it then too. And I was like, these guys are, like, building our. On my office, then taking a shower and leaving their muddy boots all over our shower. What the. It's really weird because when the came out through the shower, it looked the exact same as the mud that his workers had left. That's crazy to me. Oh, weird. So now that I know that is getting caught and back flowing into our house, I'm. Have they. They want. Well, they want me to remove this backflow thing, which means cutting in the concrete, removing the backflow prevention system, putting in a normal pipe, repaving the pavement, and then they want to put a more powerful toilet in the basement called a power flush.

[A]

It's got a motor on it.

[B]

It's like an airplane toilet, but it's.

[C]

It has a stronger, like, flow, so it can push stuff so it won't get caught in the pipes and will.

[A]

What kind of stuff? What stuff?

[C]

Mud. Talking about mud.

[B]

That guy you dealt with before, who was always like, yeah, it just needs more mud. Was he talking about something? I didn't understand?

[C]

The way that that guy handled our house. I would not be surprised if he went. Ate like a burrito, came over and was like, man, got more mud.

[B]

Took a minute, but I made you some more mud for your wall.

[C]

But, yeah, so anyway, more plumbing. So we got. We got our sink tightened, and now we got to get concrete cut out to remove this backflow thing to put in a pipe. So. Yay.

[A]

That's nice.

[C]

That's my story. I was saving.

[A]

So you just been holding it in this whole time since you moved in?

[C]

I haven't gotten to poop in six months.

[B]

Gotta keep my mud inside. Just give me a minute. The mud will settle.

[C]

I never know when I'm gonna need this much mud.

[B]

Guys who work on drywall must just. That's just. Must be agony. Got a big project next week. No, I can't.

[C]

When's my next job? Oh, God, I need the business. When I noticed the issue was right after you guys visited, and Mark had used the basement bathroom. So I was like, what did he do?

[A]

What did I. What do you mean, what did I do?

[C]

Shortly after. That's whenever the. The stain appeared in the shower. And I was like, blame this on me.

[B]

Mark came to my house and took a muddy shower. In my shower.

[C]

He's like, I've been filming a movie for two years. I haven't showered. So wait. I took the first opportunity I had.

[A]

I. I gotta admit, though, your problems might be caused, because I remember when we were watching something te. Your walls were shaking so much.

[C]

You don't think that maybe.

[A]

Maybe the vibrations are knocking things loose in your house?

[B]

Like your radon, the subwoofer that rattles the entire house?

[C]

Well, I mean, we found out it was just the light fixture making the rattle noise. Right. I thought it was something on the shelving in it, but you said it was a light fixture, but, no, that. The. The. The. The boomy Basie is boomi. Basie.

[A]

It's basie, all right.

[C]

Yeah. Like, Molly had a full foot massage in her office when I was watching, like, Jack Reacher. Because, like, the gun scenes were just like. And she would text me, she was like, the hell are you watching down there? My whole office is shaking. You went to that big basy porn? That'd be kind of crazy. Yeah, big basic.

[A]

They just add the vine boom to every impact.

[B]

Lots of really basy thuds going on.

[A]

It's like a wrestling match.

[C]

But porn. Wwe. The porno.

[A]

Wwp.

[B]

Wouldn't it be WW xx?

[A]

And I guess they have the WWE Raw.

[B]

Oh, that's it.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Why did. We didn't need to come up with anything else.

[C]

I prefer WW protection.

[A]

WWE safety.

[C]

Well, listen, you guys want to talk about relatable issues that keep reoccurring. You ever just spend thousands and thousands and thousands on plumbing, and then you leave for a week, you come back, and, I don't know, the three bears must have visited your house while you were gone and all, used your power flush and somehow broken the goddamn basement plumbing again. Again, to where the little drain near your water heater has poo coming out of it?

[B]

You mean the exact issue that you just had them cut open cement in your basement floor and replace all your toilets in the entire house and all that? That issue that they fixed by doing that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Now the shower and the water heater drain both are like, well, if you flush, of course I'll have it back. Will you go recycle? It must be the system. They set up everything we do. I am like, please, just do it right. Tell me how expensive it is to do it right. Whatever it takes, just do it right. Don't want an issue. I don't want the cheap fix. I don't want the temp fix. I want the. You know what? We should have done this from the start. Let's fix it. You'll never have to worry Again, it's a pipe that goes to a sewer. How hard could it be to get it right? Apparently they installed it backwards. Can you install a pipe backwards? I thought the flow could go either way. Apparently not. It's like a goddamn minnow bucket. That one side's the catch. And then it's all there sloshing around until it's overfilled in. The minnows are swimming back up.

[B]

It's like a video game. The guy was standing over the pipe and there's a big arrow that's like. And he was all, which way does

[C]

this need to go? I'm tired of poop. My car is still at a random port. Don't know which one, by the way. Away. And my house is full of shit. Speaking of air conditioner, ours is working, but I'm concerned because every week it feels like in order to maintain a temp, I have to lower it more than I want to to maintain like 2 degrees higher.

[B]

That's not a good sign.

[C]

So originally our AC was set to like 73. We were pretty comfortable. Then it was 72. It's down to like 70 degrees. And I'm still like, man, it's a little warm in here.

[B]

That is a very bad temperature. That's happened to me before. Right before our AC stopped working in the middle of the summer. Yeah, it's also not hot. Like it's. It's warm enough that like. Yeah, you want the AC on when it gets hot because it gets up into the 70s, close to 80, but it's not hot. When it gets actually hot and humid, you're going to have to set that on 60° to keep it at a non suffering temperature. Didn't you just get that replaced? I thought you just had your whole H Vac thing last year. How long do those last? Nine months.

[C]

Apparently my birthday was the anniversary of my one year anniversary to having it installed because my birthday is whatever had to be fucking fixed.

[A]

Well, they, they are only supposed to last one year, so really you shouldn't complain.

[B]

Oh, babe, it's our H vaciversary.

[C]

I just, I go with the companies that have the best ratings, the best reviews, the best track record of. I had this fixed 30 years ago and it's still good to this day. This company's great. And everyone says that and then I get something and they're like, like, is this a screwdriver? No, it looks like a wrench. Okay. And somehow that's what they apparently do. They send the monkeys with tools that are like, throw shit they throw feces. The feces blocks up my pipes. They come back up, it's like, oh, somehow the shit's got in your air conditioning unit. This is your fault, sir. You gotta replace the whole fucking thing. How does shit get in the AC unit? I don't know, cuz I guess this wrench is actually a screwdriver. It's actually a power drill, which is. We don't fucking know anything.

[B]

I gotta say, guys, just collectively, this was a funny bit for a while, but years and years of Wade having plumbing issues seems like kind of milking it.

[C]

Six years. It's been six years.

[B]

Change. Change themes. Have an electrical issue. Maybe your roof leaks. Like, pick. Hold on. Pick something up. Move on from plumbing, man. Like, come on. Now you're paying these guys to sabotage all this stuff? See this is. Is this even happening? Do we have any actual proof that any of this is real? Or is Wade just like, making up stories?

[A]

I bet he's had a car this whole time.

[C]

Do you want a picture of the turd covered drain?

[B]

Yes. I would love to see a picture of your recycled shit juice.

[C]

I will go take one and text it to you too if you want to see it.

[A]

I dare you. I double dog.

[B]

I don't know if I believe you. I'm just gonna leave it there. I don't know if I believe you. Mark. Mark changes. Mark has lenses. There's drama with lenses. Mark has a server farm. There's drama with the server farm. Mark makes a movie. There's drama with the movie. He keeps it fresh. And I appreciate that about you. Your fake made up life stories are. You know, they stay interesting.

[A]

You know, gotta keep it interesting for the podcast.

[B]

We're basically just AI. This is definitely a simulator.

[A]

Oh, we haven't even talked about VO3.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Did we not talk?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait. Show us your shit picture. I'll give you a point for it.

[C]

I texted it to you. Do you want me to show it on camera? Come on. Come on, show us.

[B]

Come on, show it on camera. You.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Ooh. Ooh, man.

[A]

Oh, God.

[C]

You live with that. This was white and clean whenever we left to go to Minnesota.

[B]

You're not supposed to take a poop on the grate and then try and stomp it through with your feet. That's not a good.

[C]

You should see what the shower looked like at one point. Point.

[A]

I regret tempting this.

[B]

I still think he's making it up.

[C]

I'm deleting that from my own history because I don't want to see it again. This was the maple syrup, I believe, year, where I had to replace the furnace and AC unit because of the weird maple syrup smell outside, which I think actually, in two days, I'm due to change the furnace filter. Yay. Another adulting fun.

[B]

That takes, like, five seconds.

[C]

I just don't want to do it. I tell you about the water filter snafu.

[B]

No.

[C]

So we have filtered water, and you have to change out, like, the filter is, like, a bottle. Bottle that just, like, screws in, and you're supposed to change it every six months. So I went to change it a month ago right before we had visitors. I mean, like, the day before we had visitors, and Molly had just, like, cleaned up the kitchen. We'd cleaned the house. Everything was, like, sparkly, shiny. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and change out this water filter too. Even have fresh water for everyone when they get here. This is gonna be great. And I read the instructions. Like, easy to change filter. Don't even need to shut the water off. Just unscrew, pop the new one in, screw it in, you're done. And I was. Was like, how do you filter the water if it doesn't go into the water? Why would. Why would you not have to shut the water off? But. All right, if they say so, I start to unscrew the old one. Water everywhere.

[B]

Is this the one in your fridge?

[C]

No, no, it's under the sink. Like, we have. Oh, the kitchen faucet has, like, another little filtered water faucet.

[B]

No, you probably should have turned the water off.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, I really thought I should have. And you know, under the sink, there's all those little levers that turn off water to different things.

[B]

Yeah, there's probably, like, a separate shut off just for that one thing, I bet.

[C]

Well, I panicked, and I was like, I don't know which one of these it is. Let me run down and shut off the main water valve. So I ran down, shot the main water valve, ran back up, and guess what? There's still water in the pipes after you do that, pouring out all over the wood floor. It's all a disaster. Molly's grabbing towels. It's a mess.

[B]

You know, if you had just screwed that back in, it might have.

[C]

I tried. And even, like, once. I don't know, once that seal was wet, it was like, oh, I'm not going back in. But eventually, I turned off. Man, once you start flipping those things under the sink, they work a lot quicker than the water main shut off.

[B]

Oh, yeah, no, those Are. That's like. It's what they're for.

[C]

But that cabinet never been cleaner before. Good old. I had to have one good water scare this year. I think we replaced toilets this year. That might have been last year, but we replaced some toilets again. All the fun house stuff, man. All the fun house house stuff. I don't know if those count as regrets, but they're certainly, like, dings on the fun that this year had.

[B]

I mean, it sounds like you regret not turning the water off. That's for sure.

[C]

I regret not flipping that little handle right away, too. It's really easy once the water's off. Those filters could not be easier to change out. Yeah. It's like putting a cap on a water bottle. So simple with that. When there's water not pouring out, it's crazy how easy it is to screw that in.

[B]

But, yeah, I do have a topic for today. It's an oldie but a goodie. But before we get into that, a small talk.

[C]

Six minutes.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. That was your small talk last time.

[C]

Yeah, I called. It's gonna take them two weeks to help us. Do you know why there's a problem? Do you know what I did wrong?

[B]

You hired a crappy company.

[C]

It's the company. I don't know if there is another one. When I called, I was like, why do they sound like I did something? They're like, oh, you. I was like, yeah, you guys helped me, like, a month or two ago. I had a. Oh, I see. Yeah, well, the. The noise is bad. Yeah. It's better back. Yeah, it seemed like it was likely to happen. Sir, we had a batch of defective fans sent in. Why did you call? Why do you sound so disappointed to hear from me? You did this. They're like, oh, yeah, we could come help you. Let's see how. How often is the noise? But every six minutes. All right. That's pretty frequent. We'll see you in 13 days or 11 days or whatever it was. Please, no, I can't do this again. That's right. Sorry, sir. And we're coming in the morning. Please. No.

[B]

Click. There's a concept in the charity fundraising world called donor fatigue, and I feel like this applies to you in a very direct and specific way. You don't deserve to get sympathy for every single thing that happens to you, Wade. And this is a very reasonable thing that you should get sympathy for. But I'm so emotionally burnt out on you, begging for sympathy for everything that happens that you think is a wrong and a slight against. I have none left to give. I'm an empty cup. Sir.

[C]

You dealt with two broken toilets. I've had five. I've had three ceilings, two floors, another ceiling three times, a garage door, a radon mitigation system twice in two months.

[B]

This is over. That's over the course of years.

[C]

You're fatigued. Try being me.

[B]

You don't think I've had a bunch of shit break over the course of the last seven years of my life in the places I've lived?

[C]

If you think I snapped from a losing streak, wait till you see what happens whenever you guys think, oh, I've dealt with hearing Wayne deal with his problems enough.

[B]

Try being me.

[C]

You have. You better hope Mark wins this episode, because the depths I will take us have no bounds. I didn't even say anything.

[A]

I. I didn't even say anything.

[C]

I will send someone to break your houses for the episode. Watch new episodes on Spotify.