Yeah, He'd Live

Summary

Distractible – "Yeah, He'd Live"

Release Date: February 2, 2026
Hosts: Markiplier (Mark Fischbach), Wade Barnes, Bob Muyskens

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the Distractible trio dive into a hilarious, improvisational “medical drama” game, in which Wade and Bob compete as bumbling yet legendary doctors, trying to “save” a fictional patient through a chain of increasingly absurd treatments. The episode balances their trademark chaotic comedy with surprisingly heartfelt moments, creative storytelling, and a friendly spirit of competition.

As always, the group riffs on everyday topics—like the pros and cons of snowblowers or home-cooked sausage gravy—before launching into their main game. Points and ad-libbed rules are at stake, but mostly everyone’s here to enjoy the madness and riff with friends.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Opening Banter and Bits (02:46–08:13)

• Nudity Bit: The hosts open by pretending to podcast naked, riffing off each other's jokes about "shirts" and "skin."

  • Memorable Moment: Wade: “This is my real shirt. Or skin. Fuck.” (03:12)
  • Mark awards points for commitment to the bit.

• Screw Head Discussion: Random deep-dive on screw head types—Philips, Robert, Torx (star screws)—and their comparative effectiveness.

  • Bob: “Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them.” (05:30)
  • Mark: “I’ve never had a Phillips screw that hasn’t eventually stripped. It is just awful.” (06:33)
  • Wade jests about “stripping,” leading to running jokes about nudity and “taking your skin off.”

2. Small Talk: Everyday Upgrades (08:51–16:16)

• Snowblower Wisdom:

  • Wade shares the “life-changing” impact of using a snowblower over a shovel, and the perils of blowing snow against the wind.
    • Wade: “Any more than that [an inch], snow blower. Life changing...But wind—snowblower could be bad.” (09:24–11:00)
  • Mark likens snowblower misuse to “Elden Ring” game mechanics, joking about leveling up for household appliances (11:05–11:23).
  • Wade: “Still level one NPC over here.” (11:23)

• Sausage/Bacon Gravy Revelation:

  • Bob excitedly recounts recently learning how easy sausage gravy is to make from scratch.
    • Bob: “It literally couldn’t be easier. And holy shit, when you make it at home, is it delicious.” (12:27)
    • Wade: “It’s probably terrible for you because it’s just grease with flour and milk. But it’s so good.” (13:30)
  • They discuss “gloop”—Wade’s favorite “death row” meal: fried pork chops, bacon grease gravy, biscuits, mashed potatoes, and peas.
    • Wade: “You cut up the pork chops, you tear up the biscuits, you mix all of it together...it is ambrosia.” (15:15–15:35)
    • Bob: “My auntie used to call that gloop.” (15:36)
    • Mark: “Ambrosia, he says.” (15:35)
  • Cholesterol and health myths get a quick, comedic mention (15:54–16:16).

3. Main Game: "Yeah, He’d Live" (16:35–46:34)

Game Rules & Structure (16:35–19:04)

• Mark sets the scene: Bob and Wade are world-class doctors competing to save a catastrophically ill (and increasingly unlucky) patient.
• The patient’s fate is determined by a D20 roll, with incremental bonuses for each new action, and both doctors must repeat prior steps each round—a twist on a familiar Distractible game formula.

Scenario One: Mysterious Patient (19:04–26:41)

• Each doctor, in turn, tries classic and absurd remedies (checking the lungs, leeches, amputating feet, laparoscopic robot micro-surgery).
• Memorable Clinic Commentary:
  • Bob: “Leeches everywhere. Any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech onto—boom. Leeched.” (21:08)
  • Wade: “Amputate the feet, I get my buzzsaw. Cured.” (22:32)
• Bob eventually “saves” the patient with a combination of old-school leeches and ultra-modern micro-surgery, hilariously justifying how it all fits:
  • “The leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge as the machines push in...” (25:29)

Scenario Two: Mountain Rescue (26:42–32:33)

• The newly “saved” patient, now missing feet, is stranded on a mountain ledge. The doctors must rescue him using their standard operating procedure.
• Standard Operating Procedure: Always check the lungs—quickly becomes an episode-wide gag.
• Bob hilariously brings in an X-ray team to assess the situation.
  • “Radiology X-rays, and a guy comes rushing in from the side with a mobile X-ray.” (31:13)
• With a climactic roll (Nat 20), Bob solves the predicament by imagining the patient’s bones could be used as a scaffold.
• The back-and-forth escalation illustrates their improvisational chemistry.

Scenario Three: Drowning Uber Driver (32:34–40:08)

• The unfortunate patient, now the trio’s Uber driver, crashes off the Golden Gate Bridge, and the doctors must save him as the car floods.
• Repeated comedy:
  • Both doctors always start by checking the lungs.
  • Both use increasingly outlandish steps: neurological exams (“Follow my nose...”), and the notorious “prostate check with a bucket of pocket lube.”
    • Wade: “Could be the prostate. I bend him over, grab my bucket of pocket lube...” (37:12)
  • Ultimately, Bob’s “nurse with antibiotics” saves the day, underscoring the luck-driven nature of the game.

Scenario Four: Bank Hostage Crisis (41:01–45:07)

• The patient, now with wooden peg legs, is forced to rob a bank with a bomb strapped to him.
• The doctors try to disarm the bomb—first by audio memo, cutting the red wire, then checking lungs.
• In an absurd twist, Wade “saves” the patient by listening to the lungs and somehow defusing the bomb:
  • "It was the lungs. The bomb was attached to the lungs." (44:09)
• The group celebrates this nonsensical but triumphant “diagnosis.”

4. Points, Winners, and Loser’s Speech (46:34–52:27)

• Mark tallies points for each host based on funniness, commitment, and ingenuity through the episode.
• Final Score:
  • Bob: 8
  • Wade: 7
  • Mark: 0.5
• Bob is declared the winner, delivers a tongue-in-cheek “winner’s letter to Jama” (the Journal of the American Medical Association).
  • “Sometimes the dice are in your favor and, or, you’re just a superior medical doctor.” (52:27)
• Wade’s consistent runner-up status is playfully acknowledged:
  • “I’m in a familiar spot back at the bottom. That’s okay, because I know that Jamma appreciates our hard work. The lungs were good. We did our job.” (51:29)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bob (On screws): “Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them.” (05:30)
• Wade (On snowblowing): “Wind—snowblower could be bad.” (11:00)
• Bob (On gravy): “It couldn’t literally be easier. And holy shit, when you make it at home, is it delicious.” (12:27)
• Wade (Favorite meal): “It is ambrosia. It is the best thing in the world. It’s so good.” (15:15)
• Mark (On cholesterol): “Well, recently they did discover... you should actually have a little bit more of both types. It’s hard to actually quantify.” (15:59)
• Bob (On medical improvisation): “Leeches everywhere. All. Any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech onto—boom. Leeched.” (21:08)
• Wade (During rescue attempt): “Nurse, suction. She brings over the suction tube... but I know it’ll lift this man up and pull him back up.” (30:12)
• Bob (On radiology save): “Radiology X-rays... can really see what’s going on in there.” (31:13)
• Wade (On prostate exam): “Could be the prostate. I bend him over, grab my bucket of pocket lube, and—” (37:12)
• Mark (On saving the patient): “You jam his lungs, you... disarmed the bomb.” (44:09)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Episode begins / Nude intro bit: 02:46
• Screw heads discussion: 04:33
• Snowblower small talk: 08:51
• Cooking / sausage gravy revelations: 12:18
• “Yeah, He’d Live” game explained: 16:35
• Scenario 1: Medical improv (sick patient): 19:04
• Scenario 2: Mountain rescue: 26:42
• Scenario 3: Drowning Uber driver: 32:34
• Scenario 4: Bank bomb hostage: 41:01
• Final scores and closing banter: 46:34–52:27

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Closing Thoughts & Tone

The episode is a showcase of Distractible’s blend of absurdity, quick-witted banter, and infectious camaraderie. The entire “check the lungs” running joke and Mark’s lively adjudication keep the energy high and the laughs constant. Bob’s streak of lucky D20 rolls and Wade’s endless optimism give the episode both structure and a feeling of ever-present, ridiculous stakes.

Listener tip: No actual medical advice is dispensed—just endless creative nonsense. The “hospital” is a playground, and the audience is invited along for every pratfall, culinary detour, and runaway train of thinking.

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For New Listeners

This episode is a perfect entry point into Distractible’s world, highlighting their love of comedic roleplay, riffing on mundane topics, and building elaborate in-jokes. Whether you love improv, medical drama parodies, or just dude-friends goofing around, “Yeah, He’d Live” delivers a full, funny experience that’s easy to visualize and hard to forget.

Transcript

[Markiplier]

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[Bob]

To you by Shopify. It happens. Set out in the new year, ready to change your world, and by February you're back into your old routine, doing all the same stuff. It happens. We've all been there. It happens. This year I'm going to try. I actually do have a plan. I wouldn't say it's fully in place, but I'm going to put in the effort so it'd be healthier. You know? The key to accomplishing a New Year's resolution is to keep it simple. Like using Shopify for your business. It has everything you need. Templates to help design what you want, tools to run things, and a way to sell anywhere, including across social media. Shopify makes you look like you have it all figured out even when you don't.

[Host/Moderator]

Did you know that we run our merch store for this show through Shopify? And I think there's a merch store for some sports podcast or something. Follow through on your goals with Shopify. Go to shopify.com distractible and make it happen. Join us and millions of others who have started their own [e-mail] distractible good.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Evening gentle listeners or watchers, and welcome to Distractable. This nude episode. Stalkers markers, talks head, accuses Wade of witchery, clarifies cholesterol, then plays doctors and nurse, bawls out, Bob hates screwing, loves sausage sauce, sucking harrodinia, microflaying radiology and lube wearing nothing. Wade loves to blow on the sidewalk, admits NPC hood, initiates pyrometry and amputates from anus criminals to fisting Prostates. Yes, it's time for.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, he'd live.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, hello there handsome and or beautiful people out there. I can see you. Even if you're only a listener. I can see you.

[Wade]

Wow.

[Host/Moderator]

Didn't decide to wear clothes this morning. Hahaha. Been there, done that. I'm your host Markiplier, here for Distractable with my fellow naked men, Bob and Wade.

[Bob]

Ha. Hello. Yes, that's me. I'm naked. Especially if you're listening, you can hear it.

[Wade]

Yep, this is my real shirt. Or skin fuck.

[Bob]

Oh, old shirt. Skin.

[Host/Moderator]

Point to Bob for being able to keep up with the bit the longest without messing it up my brain.

[Wade]

Just don't say shirt. Don't say shirt.

[Host/Moderator]

Kept the bit. All right, good.

[Bob]

This is my real dick. I mean shirt.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, anyway, this is distractible. This is the show where anything happens and points are given out in accordance to strict laws and adherence to rules. If anyone says otherwise, they are a heinous criminal that is trying to destabilize the entire establishment that we have built then pillars of society that we have driven into the ground with a pile.

[Bob]

Driver and nobody wants to be an anus criminal.

[Host/Moderator]

Nobody wants to be what?

[Bob]

Is that not what you said?

[Host/Moderator]

I don't think that's what I said. Heinous.

[Bob]

Heinous. Heinous. Anus. Anus.

[Host/Moderator]

Heinous.

[Bob]

We're saying the same thing. Anus.

[Wade]

FBI's butt.

[Bob]

Crime Division Anus.

[Host/Moderator]

All right. Okay, well this is detractable. And I'm the judge of the person that is going to enforce the rules. These two are going to participate in my. My lovely, lovely game with which I will allow them to dabble into the worlds of imagination to concoct realities untold.

[Wade]

That's right. What is that little screwy bit?

[Bob]

Oh, you. You want. You got an Allen key. Wait a minute. Just wait till you see what I got. Look, it's a right angle XLR adapter.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, that is handy.

[Bob]

That's a really convenient thing to have.

[Host/Moderator]

It actually is. That is super convenient. Y. I wasn't going to quiz you on what the name of that twisty thingy you said was, but Allen's wrench, that is. It is truly Allen's wrench.

[Wade]

Velociraptors love it. They see this and they go, alan.

[Bob]

Is that from the movie? The Velociraptors appear in the kitchen scene and he's all Alan.

[Wade]

Best dream sequence ever.

[Host/Moderator]

Did you know that in Canada they have a different screw Head.

[Bob]

I did know that. It's called the Roberts.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Which if you look at it, it's just a square and that's kind of cool and all.

[Bob]

It's the best screw head ever designed. It's so much better. Phillips screws can die in a fire and I hate them.

[Host/Moderator]

Yes. I think Phillips screws are fundamentally flawed and pretty pathetic. But now that we have those star screws. I gotta admit.

[Bob]

Hello. That's a weird admission.

[Host/Moderator]

Did you hear that or was.

[Bob]

No, didn't hear a thing.

[Host/Moderator]

I heard like a. Like a high pitched tone, you know, like a hearing test where it's like, oh, Chica's barking.

[Wade]

Something happened.

[Bob]

Did a check on this. Are you safe?

[Wade]

Yeah. Do you need to investigate?

[Host/Moderator]

It's fine. Don't worry about it. Anyway, those star screws, they probably have a name, right?

[Bob]

Torx. Is that Torx heads?

[Host/Moderator]

Torque. Torque X Tor X Torx.

[Bob]

T O R X Torx.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah.

[Bob]

There.

[Host/Moderator]

Aren't they the superior screw now?

[Bob]

I mean, torques are cool. I like Roberts because it's simple, but all good. All superior. Anything that's not a Phillips. The best.

[Host/Moderator]

Anything that's not. I've never had a Phillips screw that hasn't eventually stripped. It is just awful.

[Wade]

Typically, I'm all for stripping, but not with screws.

[Host/Moderator]

Strip right now.

[Wade]

I am. This is my real shirt.

[Bob]

Take your skin off quick. I mean your shirt. Fuck yeah.

[Host/Moderator]

What do you got under that?

[Wade]

Oh, you want. Anyone know what's under here? You want to know what's under here? More shirt.

[Host/Moderator]

Wow.

[Wade]

More shirt.

[Host/Moderator]

Anyway, sorry, I had to write some points for I won't say who.

[Wade]

Congrats, Bob.

[Bob]

We all know.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, just so you know, Wade, you're right.

[Wade]

I'm off to a strong start.

[Host/Moderator]

But this is not an episode about screw heads or screw types. Even though that would be a fascinating episode and everyone would be very excited.

[Bob]

I would have done so well, it.

[Host/Moderator]

Would have done incredibly. We would have gone in the charts.

[Wade]

What?

[Host/Moderator]

Are we in the charts?

[Bob]

Haven't looked in a minute.

[Wade]

Gotta be honest, we're at least top 100. Probably.

[Host/Moderator]

Probably. Probably. Probably. Probably.

[Wade]

Man, it's gonna be a much longer episode if we have to tear everyone down this time.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, we don't need to go into that. It's not important. It's not part of the. Although, we should do a marathon episode. We should do compilation episodes that aren't actually clips. It's just multiple episodes in one episode. And we really, really exploit YouTube's retention time and we, you know. Yeah. You know, I'M saying.

[Wade]

No, I didn't follow any of that.

[Host/Moderator]

Alright, let me repeat myself. We should have compilation episodes. Multiple episodes in one.

[Wade]

Like ones we've already done or new ones where we just like go right into it with one recording.

[Bob]

Same.

[Host/Moderator]

We've already done them.

[Bob]

Guys, the chart situation is not great, I'm going to be honest.

[Host/Moderator]

Damn.

[Bob]

I can't find us on the main charts.

[Wade]

Oh, we're not even. We're not even on the charts anymore.

[Host/Moderator]

Damn.

[Wade]

Maybe we're at least chart adjacent.

[Bob]

We are out of the top 200 on the charts. Let me look at comedy. That usually cheers me up.

[Wade]

That's a hell of a fall.

[Bob]

We're 12 on comedy. Yeah, we're still 12. We can do it.

[Wade]

But there's only 13.

[Host/Moderator]

That's still not bottom. Whoa, whoa.

[Wade]

We did it.

[Host/Moderator]

All right.

[Bob]

We're better than Conan o'. Br.

[Host/Moderator]

Listen, this is why we're going to be better than better than Conan o'. Brien. We're going to say right here, right now, because we're going to start with the greatest small talk we've ever done in our entire life. Take it away, Wade.

[Wade]

Okay, what are we talking about? Oh, it's small. I was like, what's the topic for small talk? What's the small talk topic? I don't know. Let me tell you. Life changing. This goes back to last episode to some extent, but life changing thing. Snowblowers, you too. Let me tell you. So much better than shovel. Shovel great for like an inch or a little bit more or less, whatever. But any more than that snow blower. Life changing. You push it and the snow just go. However, depending on how your blower blow, if the wind go, go snow. Oh, no. You know.

[Bob]

Mm.

[Host/Moderator]

Are you the type of guy that's doing your snow blower up drive, where you're like, oh, thank goodness. And you turn it around to go the other way.

[Bob]

You're like, oh, hell.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, God no.

[Wade]

But I did blow into the wind and everything I blew just came right back and covered me and the spot I'd already been plowing.

[Host/Moderator]

That's exactly what I was pantomiming.

[Bob]

Yeah, that's. That's the joke.

[Wade]

But it was, it was all one direction. It was just consistently the wrong one. Oh, so you told me what the rock.

[Host/Moderator]

So you went the wrong way, Backed it all the way up to the beginning.

[Wade]

Well, the alternative was it was doing the sidewalk, right? So like, otherwise I have to walk through the snow to blow it the correct way. And I was going to do that so I'm sorry.

[Bob]

Just the thing. Does the. The head on your snowblower not rotate it?

[Wade]

It does. Like left, straight, or right, but I don't know. No matter which one I did, the snow somehow came right back.

[Bob]

It seems like that's the three options you need to select from, though. I feel like you could find a right answer in there.

[Wade]

Yeah, but it's not like. It's not straight. Left, right, like this. It's more like kind of diagonally. So it's still going straight no matter which direction I switch it to. So some of it was still blowing back.

[Host/Moderator]

Editors, can you make it. So Wade accidentally cast a spell right there because it was really hard.

[Bob]

Yeah.

[Wade]

You know, it goes straight.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, no, no, no. This is not anywhere near as elegant as you had it.

[Bob]

Way worse. No, no, the first one was better.

[Host/Moderator]

First one was way better. Yeah.

[Wade]

Oh, I can't let it cast spells.

[Host/Moderator]

But yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's okay, man. It's okay. Don't worry about it. Magic is over.

[Wade]

So blower good, but wind. Wind snowblower couldn't be bad.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, that's good. Snow blower good. But, you know, it takes a certain intelligence. You know, certain items in games you need like an intelligence level to be able to use it properly. You can still use it with Elden Ring you have. You can use it. It's not effectively.

[Wade]

Okay, I've got the master blow, but I'm too under leveled for it.

[Bob]

That's okay.

[Host/Moderator]

At least you have it. Now you know where to spend your level up points.

[Wade]

I feel like the kind of person, if this was a D and D campaign, people start off, they're like, I'm 18 year old level one wizard, and by the time I'm 50, I'll be level 90. And I'm the guy that comes in like, yeah, I've lived 20 years of trying to level up. Still level one NPC over here.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, NPCs are usually level five.

[Bob]

Yeah, I know.

[Wade]

You've only been cooking for a day and you've leveled it up to 10. I'm still cooking level one and I'm a cook. NPC stats, y'.

[Bob]

All.

[Host/Moderator]

Don't worry, man. Don't worry. You'll get there.

[Bob]

You get a Segway point. Wade, thanks for your sweet segue to my small talk. Yay. All right, my first point, probably it's not so. I like cooking and I. I have been fairly successful at cooking a wide ish range of things. And I'm. I like to experiment, but I learned A new thing recently, and it's just so much easier than I thought it was. And it's so fucking delicious when you.

[Wade]

Make it at home, microwave.

[Bob]

No. Have you guys ever made homemade sausage gravy?

[Wade]

Oh, yeah.

[Host/Moderator]

Not homemade, but I love sausage gravy.

[Bob]

You haven't made homemade sausage gravy, Wade. You've never made a homemade anything?

[Wade]

Oh, no. Sausage. Sausage and bacon grease gravy like that. That's like a staple growing up item for me.

[Bob]

Yeah. Okay. I've never made that before, and I always thought it was more. It's not complicated. It couldn't literally couldn't be easier. And holy shit, when you make it at home, is it delicious?

[Wade]

Can I walk you through before you do it just to prove.

[Bob]

I don't even believe that you or I don't even not believe that you know how to do it. I just don't believe you've ever done it yourself. I believe you've watched it be done and then you've eaten it.

[Wade]

This is.

[Host/Moderator]

This is quite a statement. It's quite a statement.

[Bob]

I can't imagine you cooking.

[Wade]

I've only personally made it once. This is true. Molly's made it a few times, but growing up, my grandparents made it all the time. My mom made it all the time. I actually prefer bacon to sausage. I got burnt out on sausage as a kid, and I've. Every now and then I want, like, a sausage link, but I typically don't.

[Bob]

Huh.

[Wade]

But no, like, I'm assuming the way you're talking is you'll, like, fry some sausage, use the grease, maybe take some out. If you have too much grease, add some flour, add milk, let it brown. Flour, milk, a little bit brown. Salt, pepper, Done like.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, yeah.

[Wade]

Really? It's so good. It's one of the most. It's probably terrible for you because it's literally just grease with flour and milk. But it's so good.

[Bob]

Oh, it's just horrendous. It's. It's fat, salt and grease all congealed into one big sauce. You slop on something else that's fat and salty and greasy. Oh, God.

[Wade]

You have that with some biscuits and eggs and whatever. Oh, it's so good. I want it right now.

[Bob]

Anyway, I'd never made that at home before. We were just like, man, I want breakfast for dinner. And was kind of like, I really want, like, sausage gravy, man. And I was like, I'll do it. And I did. And it was really. It was just so easy and delicious anyway. I just. I'M constantly shocked. There's so much cooking stuff where I've been like, oh, that's. I could never make that. And then you just try it and you're like, actually, that's not that. Actually, it's not too hard. It's pretty good.

[Wade]

Places like Bob Evans and stuff have a similar type to the homemade, but there's something about that's always different. I don't know if they put too much in it or if it's because it's, like, preserved or something. But making it home hits so different.

[Bob]

Yeah, it does. I recently did that with chicken marsala, too. Chicken marsala is very delicious and not that hard to make at home, and it's real good. I think what I'm learning is cooking is easy, guys. Easy game. I've got the cheat codes.

[Wade]

Do you want to know my favorite? My favorite gravy meal? This might surprise you.

[Bob]

I don't know what that means. Go ahead.

[Host/Moderator]

Favorite gravy meal.

[Wade]

This might be my favorite meal of, like, anything.

[Bob]

Is it the KFC Sadness Bowl?

[Wade]

If I was on death row and they asked me my final meal, this would probably be it. Bacon grease gravy, like the sausage gravy. Talking about with bacon grease gravy. Fried pork chops.

[Bob]

God. Jesus.

[Wade]

Where you get, like, the flour, dip it in egg.

[Bob]

Sure, sure.

[Wade]

Fried everything. Biscuits, mashed potatoes and peas.

[Bob]

You wouldn't need to be put to death. You just die. If you ate enough of that and.

[Wade]

You cut up the pork chops, you tear up the biscuits, you mix all of it together, add some salt and pepper, especially pepper. Mix it all up. It looks terrible, but if you get, like, the potato gravy, the right amount of each and you get, like, a bite of pork chop and biscuit all in one bite, it is ambrosia. It is the best thing in the world. It's so good.

[Host/Moderator]

Ambrosia, he says.

[Bob]

My auntie used to call that gloop.

[Wade]

I love gloop. I would die, and I probably will die for gloop.

[Bob]

Yeah, I imagine that'll be the end of you someday. You'll be too old and you'll take a bite and it'll just be like, oh, there's that last 5%.

[Wade]

Somehow, my Carson.

[Host/Moderator]

Carson.

[Wade]

What the fuck am I trying to say?

[Bob]

Carson Daly.

[Wade]

No, the cholesterol is the word by Carson. My cholesterol has never been bad. Somehow.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, recently they did discover that they're kind of been a bit. A bit wrong about cholesterol and the levels that it actually should be. Over a long period of time. That's why things have been inconsistent for a while. And you should actually have a little bit more of both types. You know, it's like. It's hard to actually say, quantify.

[Bob]

That's what I keep telling the doctor.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, it's. It's. It's complicated. Turns out, human body, very complicated. Anyway, but weirdly enough, Bob, you get the other segue point, because we're going into our game called.

[Wade]

Yeah, he'd live. Okay.

[Bob]

All right.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. You getting me? And see where this is going. All right, we're gonna start this off with a scene. You two are the world's greatest doctors, the most lives saved. One of you has one more patient than the other, but I won't say which one. You kind of debate which one counts as a patient. Your counts are in the thousands, but, you know, he kind of squabbled between each of which one actually counted and which one was actually easy. But you are gathered here because you have a patient in front of you on the operating table. Mystery illnesses presenting with lesions, high fever, abdominal exploding. There's. There's multiple things wrong with them. They're on the verge of death. Only you, whichever one of you, can do it. Only one of you can save this patient. And you, in the same vein of all the other you, blah, blah, live. Yeah. Win. You know, in that way, you'll take turns. You'll repeat the action of the previous doctor, and when you reset time and go back and try again, let's just assume the other one just, like, brings them back to borderline health. Whatever. Wave it however you want. The next person will repeat that action because you secretly do respect your fellow doctor's genius ability, and you know that they were on the right path, but obviously they weren't seeing the chess move in front of that one. So you got to repeat that action and then do the next action after that. In the same vein. Of all the. Yeah, I'd win. But you're trying to save this patient's life. In other words, it's exactly the same thing we do before with a slightly different wrapper to make it feel fresh.

[Wade]

I like this wrapper.

[Host/Moderator]

Mm. So I need to pull up my D20, because the way this works for everybody home who haven't seen another node, win or no, I'd lose. They're going to take a turn. It's a D20. If they roll for every good action they will get, plus one advantage on the roll they're need. They need a 20 total to win. And Save the patient or save the life, Nahid. Or she would live. But they incrementally get their advantage, growing with each turn that it takes. Could hit on the first one, could hit on the last one. So I'm going to flip to see who goes first. We, of course, have heads for Wade, tails for Bob. Bonk. We got heads for Wade. Congratulations, Wade. You're going first, Doctor. It's not saying you're more skilled than your fellow doctor, because you're not. Some may say.

[Wade]

All right, so right now we know nothing about them other than in front of us and they're dying.

[Host/Moderator]

Well, they have high fever, abdominal explosions. They look terrible.

[Wade]

Okay. They've got a lot of bad symptoms.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Today they're. They're flatlining every few minutes or a few seconds. You know, they're kind of like going.

[Bob]

In.

[Host/Moderator]

You know, kind of like that. Really horrible. In utter agony. Desperate.

[Wade]

And just to remind myself and everyone out there, this is the thing where if I say too many words, Bob has to repeat them. Exactly. This is the. Don't be too long.

[Bob]

That's the bit. Yes.

[Wade]

All right. Dear Journal of American Medical Association, I can't believe this happened to me.

[Bob]

Okay, go on.

[Wade]

My patient, his lungs. Is he breathing? And I check his lungs.

[Host/Moderator]

His lungs. Check his lungs. Not sure if that works towards saving him. Dr. Bob, Dr. Myskins, in your medical opinion, do you think that assists in getting the patient closer to life?

[Bob]

I'm gonna say yeah, as an initial thing. Like, if you check. As long as it's like, oh, there's a squirrel in there, and you know you're going next, like, gives you.

[Host/Moderator]

That's good.

[Wade]

Classic thing.

[Host/Moderator]

That's good. Like checking the tailpipe for if there's a squirrel in there.

[Bob]

The classic banana in the lungs gag.

[Wade]

Yeah, people used to worry about gerbils up the butt. But no, it's been squirrels in the lungs. That's been the real killer.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, we're rolling.

[Bob]

That saves them. I swear to God.

[Host/Moderator]

Not quite. It was good. It was a good check. But with a 15 plus one, you got 16. Nearly there. But as you check, you leaned. It's like an ocean. It's like tidal waves in there. In. And like every breath. And then it's quiet all of a sudden, and the patient dies. Ready to operate now, Dr. Mulliskins, is your turn?

[Bob]

Oh, yeah, great. Dear Journal of American Medicine history. I can't believe it happened to me.

[Host/Moderator]

You both are writing your competing papers.

[Bob]

Yes, my patient. I'll check his lungs. Wait, why am I Still writing this. Okay, the next thing I do is I think it must be an old school problem. Lungs are clear. No squirrels. Leeches. Leeches everywhere. All. Any part of any fleshy bit I can get a leech onto. Boom. Leeched. That'll suck it out.

[Host/Moderator]

Penis leached. Taint. Leeched. Perennium. Leeched.

[Bob]

His abc Leeched.

[Wade]

AC DC Leeched.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, we'll see if leeches work. This will give you plus two.

[Bob]

Oof.

[Host/Moderator]

It's a two. You get a four total. Nope. You bleed him dry. All blood is vacated. He's super dead now. Frothing at the mouth. All blood like emaciated dried husk. Dead. Dr. Barnes.

[Wade]

Dear JAMA, Journal of American Medical Association. Can't believe this happened to me. My patient. I'll see if he's breathing a little bit. Doesn't sound good. Why am I still writing this? You know what? I'll go a bit more old school. Leeches. Cover the patient in leeches. Now that he's getting all that bad blood out, amputate the feet, I get my buzzsaw cured.

[Bob]

Doctor Vice, kids, in your professional opinion.

[Host/Moderator]

Do you think that gets him closer.

[Wade]

To life if the feet were the problem?

[Host/Moderator]

Or is his genius so good that we just can't see where he's going with this?

[Bob]

I mean, it's not impossible that there's something so wrong with his feet that that's the solution.

[Wade]

I like you, doctor. We should work together.

[Bob]

Maybe he's got the. The gangrene or some. Some sort of flesh eating thing on his foot.

[Wade]

I mean, leeches were as likely to cure it as this, I would say.

[Bob]

Hey, leeches is a legitimate medical treatment that's still employed in hospitals to this day.

[Host/Moderator]

It is.

[Bob]

It actually is. Not for the reason that they used to do it, but it is.

[Wade]

I know it is, but I'll give.

[Host/Moderator]

It to the feet. Maybe there's some horrible infection. Let's roll. It's a plus. Three twelve total. Fifteen. Not quite. He's. His lungs are full. He drowns in his own sputum. His blood is all gone. And then his feet seal the deal. He barely feels that, though, before he dies. Just so. If that makes you any feel good.

[Wade]

I'm gonna feel really bad when we cure him. He didn't have any feet. My bad.

[Bob]

Doctor.

[Host/Moderator]

My skins. What's the next step?

[Bob]

Dear Mama Jammas at jama, I can't believe it happened to me. I'm gonna check this patient's lungs and save them while I write this. Oh, that doesn't Sound good? I should probably stop writing. All right, now I'm gonna cover him in leeches. I don't know what that will do, but it looks like I'm doing something. And isn't that really what we're trying to do at work? Just get through the day? Anyway, I found my buzzsaw. He's never gonna have feet again, right? He's sick. I am gonna go hyper. Modern leeches is the old school. The new school technique is a laparoscopic robotic microsurgery. I'm just gonna cut his whole abdomen open and flay him and then use a tiny little robot to search around for what's wrong and fix it. Modern technology, you could.

[Host/Moderator]

You're gonna flay a macro so you can send a tiny robot in.

[Bob]

It could be a whole fleet of tiny micro robots, all the surgeries all happening at once. One of them's probably gonna find something.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, you know what? I'm not even gonna ask Dr. Barnes if that helps. I know it's helping.

[Wade]

I think this is a terrible idea.

[Bob]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm back. You up on feet. Cutting offing. You didn't give me micros.

[Wade]

I'm only saying because I know he'll do the opposite of what I think anyway, so you're welcome.

[Host/Moderator]

Look, hey, I gave you the. All right, we're rolling. What a genius.

[Bob]

Nat.

[Narrator/Announcer]

20.

[Bob]

I knew it would work.

[Wade]

Oh, thank God.

[Bob]

I remember.

[Wade]

Laparoscopic idioma, or whatever you said, the incredible genius.

[Host/Moderator]

To know that the leeches would create all the cavities for the laparoscopic surgery and that the feet could cause a sudden purge. As the machines push in and push down, all the illness goes shooting out the stumps like, O. Splat. All over Dr. Barnes, dammit.

[Wade]

Ah.

[Host/Moderator]

He's like, you know, covered in it. There you see an outline of him and all the. All the grossness and illness.

[Bob]

That's why the feet had to come off. That's the exit route.

[Wade]

I can't believe he's getting posted in Bad Mama Jama before me.

[Bob]

All right, let me find my. Let me get my notebook back. Dear Jamma, I did it.

[Host/Moderator]

Dear sexy mamas of Jamma magazine, I'm.

[Bob]

Gonna tell my grandma about you Mama Jammas at Jamma.

[Wade]

She lives in Alabama, rides to battle on a cam.

[Bob]

What did you say?

[Wade]

I was trying to do camel, but camo, camo.

[Host/Moderator]

Camo.

[Wade]

All right.

[Host/Moderator]

So you okay, Dr. Bices? That was incredible. You both go home, by the way. It was like an auditorium operating room. So you had A whole bunch of people around, they all got up and they were like this.

[Bob]

You know, that's why we had to have those flourishes, because we wanted to really put on a show for the people.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. All right, so since you're. You're both go getters, right? It's the next day, you both are on your 3:00am hike. Sprint, actually, up a mountain, and you get to the top of the mountain and you see each other. You go like, oh, is you. Because, you know, I got a 2, 3, 29, and I got whatever. But using your super doctor senses, you hear a cry for help. Someone at the top of the mountain is going, I can't hold on much longer. Oh, and my grip is loosening. You both scramble over. And on the ledge, there is a man who is dangling by one finger on the ledge of a cliff that is of the most precipitous drop. Makes El Capitan looks like a. Look like a whole hole that a child dug. It's miles into the earth. Finger right here. All of the fingers broken and backwards are actually, like, splayed backwards. So he only has the one finger. His other arm is. Is bent and contorted from being 127hours. So he's really emaciated and tired, and both his legs are gone there. His feet are gone. For some reason. This might be the same person.

[Bob]

Happens a lot. Happens a lot.

[Wade]

Well, well, well. Redemption arc for me.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. I'm not saying it's the same guy, but it looks and kind of sounds like it. And the feet are missing. Maybe he was going up for a celebratory hike. Kind of shouldn't have done that right after he got out of the hospital with no feet.

[Wade]

Yeah, yeah.

[Bob]

He.

[Host/Moderator]

He's. He's on the ledge, and it's up to you two to save him. It's your turn, Bob.

[Bob]

Okay. I assess the situation and decide that I can approach. I get down on one knee close to the patient and whisper to myself, I can't wait to write jam about this. And then I check his lungs. Because we've all agreed that that helps.

[Wade]

All right, Standard operating procedure. Always check the lungs.

[Bob]

You gotta make sure you have an airway. You check those lungs, and then you can do. Move on to whatever next thing you gotta do. That's what they teach you.

[Wade]

Broken fingers. Could be a lung issue.

[Bob]

Maybe he needs more air. You don't know. Could be.

[Host/Moderator]

Could be. All right, do you go like. No. Take a deep breath.

[Bob]

Get down, get down. Pull my stethoscope out, like, all Right. Deep breath in. And again, if you could refrain from moaning one more time.

[Host/Moderator]

It's gonna be a little cold.

[Bob]

I'll warm it up for you. You're not in a hurry, are you?

[Host/Moderator]

You rolled an 8 plus 1. As you lean down his. His airway sounds great. And then you don't hear anything anymore except a distant. As he falls to his doom.

[Bob]

I heard. Thank you. That counts as a win for me.

[Host/Moderator]

Not quite. Not quite. Dr. Barnes. You see your. Your fellow doctor bumbling over there to check the lungs, and you know you have to do the same because.

[Wade]

Yeah, Standard operating procedure.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Yeah, standard.

[Wade]

I get out my pen and paper, get down on one knee. This is for you, Jama. I look down at my patient, knowing the first thing to do is check the lungs. So I listen in. Lungs are good. I yell, nurse, suction. She brings over the suction tube, typically reserved for, like, blood and other things to siphon off, but I know it'll lift this man up and pull him back up.

[Host/Moderator]

All right. Yeah, I was. So was the nurse. Do you each have your own nurse? It's just the one nurse. Okay. It's just the one.

[Wade]

Just nurse. Don't even have a name.

[Host/Moderator]

You have to share a nurse.

[Wade]

I've watched enough markiplier videos, though. It's just nurse.

[Host/Moderator]

Yep, you're right. All right, rolling. Oh, close. 14 plus 2.

[Wade]

16.

[Host/Moderator]

Not quite. Nurse rushes over with the suction device, tries to suck it back up. It's just not enough. He slips out of the machine and goes plummeting to his death.

[Wade]

Suction's crucial, though. We'll get him with it.

[Host/Moderator]

Yes, of course.

[Bob]

Of course. I assess the situation. I go over. I approach, go down on a knee, jam again. My stethoscope out. Listen to the lungs. Lungs are fine. I go, nurse, suction. Nurse comes over, and the suction doesn't do anything. And then I remember, what's the second step we always take? I go, radiology X rays, and a guy comes rushing in from the side with a mobile X ray. He's like. And takes a full body X ray so we can really see what's going on in there.

[Host/Moderator]

I like how this is like a, you know, a 2D, side by side fighting game, and you just tag out your nurse. Radiation team comes in, boing. All right, so we got three points for that. Let's see how that does. Oh, Nat20. There is clearly a superior doctor on staff today.

[Wade]

Why did I think about the X ray?

[Host/Moderator]

You see clear as day that his bones are cracked in such A way that if you simply tip him, they will burst through his cut off feet and plant it like a. Like a scaffold against the wal so that he can maintain stability long enough for you to both treat his injuries and get him safely up over the ledge. Which I'm assuming you ask an assistant to do to pull him up, because.

[Bob]

That'S the other reason I got radiology. More hands, you know, and I just stepped back and I let them do it because I'm the surgeon here, and.

[Wade]

If you radiate enough, they'll have even more hands.

[Bob]

I have to start writing jama immediately.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, well, Dr. Barnes, why don't you go finish your little jaunt back down the mountain? You got to. Got to get this article written.

[Wade]

I will. And as I do, I flail my arms like this to show my displeasure. I just want you all to know that.

[Bob]

Okay. Do you do the Kermit yell as you run away?

[Wade]

I'm going back the way I came.

[Bob]

No, that's not the. He goes, ah. Oh, I'm leaving. It's me, Kermit. I'm leaving.

[Host/Moderator]

You both get in your Uber, but unfortunately, you both think it's the same Uber. So you both hop in, and you find yourself seated next to your despised arch rival, doctor. One of you clearly superior. We're not gonna say who.

[Bob]

Hard to tell.

[Host/Moderator]

You're driving along and your Uber driver takes off, starts to go across, you know, the Golden Gate Bridge, and he looks back at you both and goes like, hey. You notice a cast on his hand. You can sense he's driving. He has, like, pedal shifters up near the steering wheel because he has no feet. He goes like, doc, Doc, it's me. Yeah, you saved me yesterday. Twice. He tries to go twice and hold up two fingers, but he only has one. He's like, twice. Twice yesterday. And meanwhile, while he's turned back at you, he's drifting the wheel a bit too far to the right. Bang. Right through the guardrail and down into the river. Into the splash, Right? He's knocked unconscious. You are both so fine. Backseat of that car was really secure. Seatbelts on. Your medical protection obviously kept you safe. You're totally unharmed. And you know, you could get out easily. But the patient, Your patient is unconscious. He's already floating. He's not in water yet, but he's kind of like. Like this. Just a little bit like that. And he obviously couldn't swim to the surface. No feet, one finger. You need to save him. He might be injured. He might be dead. His Neck might be broken. He wasn't wearing a seatbelt. He kind of flopped all over the place. Bang.

[Bob]

Boom.

[Host/Moderator]

But then landed right back in his seat. Dr. Barnes, you're not gonna let this chance go to waste. You gotta save your patient. You're underwater. The car's flooding.

[Wade]

What do you do? I pull out my waterproof paper and I write, dear Jamma, thank God I was prepared for this situation. I pocket it. I pull out my cassette tape of classical music, put it in so I can listen to something peaceful while I go to work. And I'm never gonna believe this. I check the lungs.

[Bob]

You check the lungs.

[Host/Moderator]

Stand. Gotta fall. Standard procedure. You cannot follow standard procedure.

[Wade]

Can't deviate.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, so close.

[Wade]

That's right. 20.

[Host/Moderator]

It was. An 18 plus one is 19. So close. He is dead.

[Wade]

But at least I listen to some violins.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Car floods. He's dead.

[Wade]

Tragic. Dinner, Doctor. Mice.

[Bob]

Can't save them all.

[Host/Moderator]

I guess we could, you know. You just want to give up. But, Dr. Bices, would you give up?

[Bob]

We have a reservation, so I don't want to. You know.

[Wade]

Where do you think we were driving to?

[Bob]

I'm not really on call tonight. I sort of shouldn't. Who's on call? Shouldn't they page someone else? I get out my waterproof paper and just scribble. It's not even language.

[Wade]

Just.

[Bob]

I'll send that later. And then I put that away, and I get out my cassette tape of classical music and put that in the car, which we're assuming has a cassette player in it.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Yeah, sure.

[Bob]

Yeah, sure. Okay. It starts playing. All good Ubers do check the lungs just to see. Sounds fine. Not the problem. I reach for my buzz saw, but I noticed someone's already taken that step. And then I decide that it's probably neurological. So I grab his patient's head and pull his eyes open, and I say, follow my nose. Follow my nose. And I start going like this. And his eyes. He doesn't lock on at all. He can't track a target. And I know it's neurological.

[Wade]

That's him. That's the move.

[Host/Moderator]

Watch a D20. I can smell it. I can feel it.

[Wade]

I know. I feel it, too. I don't want it.

[Bob]

Ooh.

[Host/Moderator]

Not quite. That was a four.

[Bob]

Oh, so close.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, his eyes, you forced open. Kind of do one of these where they instantly just, like, go white, like. And then he's dead.

[Bob]

That's probably fine.

[Host/Moderator]

Gotta remember to go to dinner after this. Dr. Burns, dear.

[Wade]

Jam on my waterproof paper. I can't believe this happened to me. I'll write it later. Pocket it. Cassette tape in classical music. Check the lungs. Looks good. Maybe it's neurological. I lift the eyelids.

[Markiplier]

Oh, my nose.

[Wade]

Oh, wow. He's following. Must not be that. You know what? Could be the prostate. I bend him over, grab my bucket of pocket lube, and.

[Bob]

Whoa, whoa.

[Wade]

Clearly that's the problem.

[Bob]

That was really up in there.

[Host/Moderator]

Don't question this medical professional. He knows what he's doing.

[Wade]

You never know how deep the prostate might be. Sometimes it hides.

[Host/Moderator]

That thing's unruly in there, especially after a car crash. Could be going all over the place. Anyway, rolling. Oh, NAT1.

[Bob]

Oof.

[Wade]

Shit. No pun intended.

[Host/Moderator]

That. That prostate was so unruly, it pulls you in with it.

[Bob]

All right.

[Host/Moderator]

Always the optimist. Way to appreciate that about you. Thanks, Dr. Meiz. Gins.

[Bob]

Waterproof paper. Jamma mama.

[Host/Moderator]

Jamma mama.

[Bob]

Put that away. Cassette tape of classical music. Click, jamming out. Check the lungs. Sounds fine. Maybe it's neurological. Follow my nose. Follow my nose. All right, he's fine. It's not neurological. Maybe it says prostate big 10 gallon thing of lube like a. Like a ventriloquist dummy all the way in there. Hey, don't get that dinner reservation. Don't worry. I'll get this wrapped up real quick, and then we can get right out there to dinner. And then I turn the patient's head and I say, dinner. I hardly know him. And then I take my arm out of his butt, and I'm like, ah, this prostate's fine, man. That's some medical stuff you can do, you know?

[Wade]

What could you possibly do? What could you possibly.

[Bob]

Next. Next? Oh, the. The water. The car is starting to fill with water, and I think, oh, he's recently had several accidents. He lost his feet. And I say, nurse, administer antibiotic because we're starting to drown. We really got to get out of here. We got that dinner reservation. We're sinking into the bay.

[Wade]

I forgot about pocket nurse. Damn it.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, nurse. Nurse comes in, does nurse things. Let's see how that helps.

[Bob]

Nat 20, baby.

[Host/Moderator]

Doctor, my skin says, done it again. Not a Nat 20. It was an 18, but it still counts. What a hero. The nurse, I guess, actually is the hero. But the doctor made the call to bring in. The nurse gets all the credit. Nurse goes unbuckles the seatbelt, opens the.

[Wade]

Door, grabs a bitch, and swims to the surface.

[Bob]

The nurse ignores me, and it's like, I'll save him. And then actually saves him. Wait, I are just Sitting in the back of the Uber, like. Wade gets out his waterproof paper.

[Host/Moderator]

You guys are gonna love the next one, man.

[Wade]

The dice really are just doing me a favor today, man.

[Bob]

It's so good to be on this side of the dice roll bullshit for once. I swear, it always happens to me. Not for me.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, yeah, it's. It's. It is good for you, bubba.

[Bob]

I'm.

[Host/Moderator]

I'm very proud of you.

[Bob]

I mean, I'm just an excellent doctor, I guess.

[Host/Moderator]

So maybe we'll know if either of you is an excellent doctor at the end of this one. It's still up in the air.

[Bob]

I got three saves, man. I'm undefeated.

[Host/Moderator]

Speaking of up in the air, you two are not up in the air at all, actually. That's completely a lie.

[Wade]

Our helicopter rescue from the water.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. You are at the bank depositing your big bonus checks. One of them slightly bigger than the other, but they're both huge. They're massive checks. Right? And so you. The teller goes next. You both go, oh, you. Here.

[Wade]

Here's my check.

[Host/Moderator]

They're check.

[Bob]

You mean the number is big? You don't mean a physically large check?

[Host/Moderator]

No, they're huge, actually.

[Bob]

Okay, good. Okay. Yeah.

[Host/Moderator]

And you can see the numbers.

[Wade]

It's $30, but the biggest check you'll ever see.

[Host/Moderator]

So you can see which one has bigger numbers than the other. And you both are able to get that information, plus everyone else here, when suddenly, behind you, the door bursts open. This is a robbery. And you're like, who could possibly be crying?

[Wade]

Whoa.

[Host/Moderator]

You see your patient there with a bomb strapped to his chest, one finger on the trigger of a gun, and he says, oh, I can't do this.

[Bob]

Help.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, doctors. Some maniac strapped a bomb to my chest, and I had to hobble in here on my new wooden peg legs. And they just.

[Wade]

Oh, man. Can you help me?

[Host/Moderator]

You look at the clock. It says ten. Ten seconds or minutes, not nine. It's seconds, Bob.

[Wade]

What do you do?

[Bob]

I don't have my notebook with me, so I get my phone out and start a voice memo. Dear Jamma, I'll write this down and send it to you later. This is a voice memo. Pardon any mistakes I might make in describing my actions. With plenty of time to spare, I draw my travel scalpel from my tool belt, and I aim for the red wire on the bomb, because it's always the red wire. And I go and I cut the red wire and save everybody.

[Host/Moderator]

Incredible. It's so close. It actually goes through the red wire, but it hits him right here. It was a 15 plus one. Really good aim, but just a little off the mark. He dies, but the bomb doesn't go off. So, you know, that's. That's pretty good.

[Bob]

Yay.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, that's pretty good. But he's still dead, so. Dr. Barnes, no paper on my phone.

[Wade]

Dear Jamma, watch this shit. I go up, grab my scalpel. Audio message, cut the red wire.

[Host/Moderator]

Watch this, listeners.

[Wade]

You better watch this doesn't explode. Patient looking a little concerning, so I know what to do next. I check his lungs.

[Bob]

So are we saying that the bomb is diffused now, so we're just gonna continue on?

[Wade]

We don't know. I don't think it just. It didn't explode. We cut the red wire. I'm still here.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, let's say it doesn't cut the wire. It just killed him for some reason. Never in blow for the last one. Just to keep the bomb going, because I can't have the bomb disarmed this early. So you're gonna go check the lungs, right?

[Wade]

Oh, yeah.

[Host/Moderator]

Okay. That's definitely. Definitely an advantage.

[Wade]

I go to cut the red wire. I cut him. And just the way I can listen to the lungs.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, my God. It was the lungs. It was the lungs. It was the lungs. The bomb was attached to the lungs. So you somehow threw your scalpel and that.

[Bob]

I don't know.

[Wade]

No, I wanted this one to go longer.

[Host/Moderator]

That disarmed the bomb. You jam his lungs, you. That also disarmed the bomb.

[Wade]

Jamma, watch this shit.

[Bob]

When you listen to his lung, you.

[Host/Moderator]

Notice that there was some kind of strange lump in there. So you got ahead of a diagnosis that would have caused the bed lung cancer down the road. And also resonating in his chest was the exact voice imprint of the people that abducted him. So you were able to determine their identities from sound resonating in his chest. Alone and man, hero beyond hero.

[Wade]

He's a great doctor, but, like, I'm making the front page.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, that. That is stunning. And everyone in the bank is like, oh, Dr. Barnes, Dr. Barnes.

[Wade]

Finally recognition.

[Bob]

Woo. Barns.

[Wade]

Jamma's gonna love me.

[Bob]

The Jamma article is just. Dear Jamma, watch this shit. And then a huge parenthetical. That's like rustling noise, clicking. A phone being set down sounds. A scalpel gets drawn. Running away. Footsteps running away.

[Host/Moderator]

Then sudden distant cheering.

[Bob]

A voice in the distance says, now take a deep breath.

[Wade]

Underneath. I'll have a little aster that says, arrow up. Recommended operating. Standard operating procedure. I'm changing the game now.

[Host/Moderator]

And that is published.

[Wade]

We have to defuse before we check the lungs.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, I'm gonna call it there. I don't think. I couldn't come up with any more scenarios than that. So I think that'll have to be.

[Wade]

You got 20s early.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, that was a lot of 20s.

[Wade]

We didn't have any, like, 90 step ones today.

[Bob]

I know. The stupid big one went on forever.

[Wade]

That big one just kept going, man.

[Host/Moderator]

And the baseball one for the asteroid, that also used to be a huge one.

[Bob]

Yeah, more be.

[Wade]

I forgot about them.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, so congratulations, doctors. You did great. One of you did marginally better than the other. I won't say which. I'll just count the points.

[Wade]

The real winner today is Jamma.

[Host/Moderator]

So, Wade, you will start with you. You got a point for your real shirt. It's very nice. You got a level up with your snowblower. You did get a segue point from Bob.

[Wade]

What?

[Bob]

Nothing. Nothing happened. Don't worry about it.

[Host/Moderator]

Dear Jamma. Camo mool.

[Wade]

That was a bad one.

[Host/Moderator]

Camo.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Mool.

[Wade]

Camo.

[Bob]

Oh, yeah. Camo. Because he was trying to ride with Alabama and Mama Jama and Grandma.

[Wade]

Oh, right.

[Host/Moderator]

And then you won the bank. You saved the bank robbery. That's six points. Incredible, Bob. You kept the bitch. Robert. Screw.

[Bob]

Screw.

[Host/Moderator]

Sausage gravy. The actual segue point. They both count. You got the operation dinner. I hardly know him. Among other things. That made me laugh.

[Wade]

That was really funny.

[Host/Moderator]

You got the climbing point and the drowning, which leaves you with eight total points to Wade's six. So going into the final round, Wade, you have six points. Bob, you have eight. A big advantage. Huge advantage.

[Bob]

And just right on time. Any second now, it's gonna. Yep. Here it comes. There it is. The magical wheel. How many should we spin, Wheel? Eight. That'd be a hell of a spin. Oh, guess what. It's three again. Always three.

[Host/Moderator]

Only three I want to add to the wheel. Who remembers the first step? The first person that says check the lungs. And so we have to remember what the first step is of standard operating procedure.

[Wade]

I'm gonna forget that tomorrow, much less like three months from now when it comes up up there.

[Bob]

That's very long.

[Wade]

We're going to have so many medical people in the comments that are so upset.

[Host/Moderator]

They're not. No, they. You guys were textbook.

[Wade]

That's true.

[Host/Moderator]

I mean, you practically wrote the textbook.

[Wade]

But we wrote the textbook.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Yeah. You wrote the textbook, though. It's all good.

[Bob]

We'll definitely remember that when it comes up. Spin number one, half point. For Mark.

[Wade]

Okay, you're on the board.

[Host/Moderator]

That's what I'm talking about, dude.

[Wade]

If we get surprise golf rules. And Mark wins.

[Host/Moderator]

Half a point.

[Bob]

All right, spin number two.

[Wade]

Knockoff rules. Knock off rules.

[Bob]

Most accents use.

[Wade]

If any of us use an accent.

[Host/Moderator]

I mean, maybe me in describing the patient, but he didn't really have an accent.

[Bob]

I grumbled a lot. Sometimes that's. That not. It's not really an accent.

[Host/Moderator]

I think this is a rare one where not many accents occurred here. So we could.

[Bob]

Yeah, I think maybe just respin.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah, let's just redo that one.

[Bob]

One. Oh, lie points. Absolute value. We didn't have any lie points this time, did we?

[Host/Moderator]

No lie points.

[Bob]

Yeah, we really need to incorporate more lie points.

[Host/Moderator]

We do.

[Wade]

I need to lie more.

[Bob]

I lie all the time. Just don't get points for it. Best mental image.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, such good mental images.

[Bob]

There are some winners.

[Host/Moderator]

There were really good ones.

[Wade]

I liked Bob throwing the paper away.

[Bob]

Ventriloquist dummy. Dinner. I hardly know her.

[Wade]

Ventriloquist is pretty good.

[Host/Moderator]

Oh, man. How do I even decide?

[Bob]

What about the X ray on the side of the mountain?

[Host/Moderator]

If I had to be technical about this, Bob, I can't give the point to you because you can't conjure a mental image. So I'm going to give it to Wade because I know you were describing a lot of things, but I know. I know. It was a blank slate up there. Wade, you're going to get that point.

[Wade]

That's so mean. It's like, hey, Bob, if you picture the point, I'll give it to you. You've got a picture. You just got to want.

[Host/Moderator]

The TikTok of rage. Baiting my fat dog with a treat.

[Bob]

No, no.

[Host/Moderator]

Very funny. Very funny. Because everything's like a treat in hand. He goes like this. Every time he goes for it, he's like. It's for, like, five minutes straight, just. And as soon as he opens his hand, just stops. It's very funny.

[Wade]

Reminds me of the Family guy bit where Mr. Peterschmidt's driving by the orphanage. He's got, like, a puppy and a bunch of toys in the backseat. He's like, you got to really want it. He keeps driving away as the kid tries to get in.

[Host/Moderator]

Almost added that time. All right, so with that, we're done. Bob with eight points to Wade. Seven to my half. Bob, congratulations for winning this episode, Dr. My skins.

[Wade]

That's the first time our point total has ever matched our heights.

[Host/Moderator]

Not too late to deduct one.

[Wade]

It doesn't Affect me anymore.

[Host/Moderator]

All right, back down to six. All right. Okay. I'm giving you a mean.

[Wade]

Wait, I was lying. Give it back.

[Host/Moderator]

Nah, too late.

[Bob]

That's what you get for being nice to Wade. I never make short jokes.

[Wade]

As I say, you did it, like, 30 times. But I guess that's whenever you were host, you were allowed to.

[Host/Moderator]

What?

[Bob]

No. Hey, let's win.

[Host/Moderator]

That was the last episode. I know I can. All right, Bob, congratulations. But I'm gonna let Wade do his loser speech first.

[Wade]

I'm in a familiar spot back at the bottom. That's okay, because I know that Jamma appreciates our hard work. The lungs were good. We did our job.

[Host/Moderator]

What does the other A stand for? Journal of American Medicine Medical Association.

[Bob]

Oh.

[Wade]

I had to look up respected medical journals to figure out what my favorite one was. And as soon as I saw Jam, I was like, that's a fun one.

[Host/Moderator]

Yeah. Sorry, Wade.

[Wade]

On your loss.

[Host/Moderator]

Bob, congratulations. Your winner's piece, Please.

[Bob]

That's going smoothly.

[Wade]

There we go.

[Bob]

Dear Jama, another successful day as a doctor. You're welcome that I'm part of this shitty profession. You write so fast you have no idea. You think I saved lives quickly? I don't know why I'm tilting my head like this either. Listen, sometimes the dice are in your favor and. Or you're just a superior medical doctor. And one of those things is definitely true about me today.

[Host/Moderator]

We will never say which one's which. Thank you, everybody, so much for listening in.

[Bob]

Are watching.

[Host/Moderator]

I hope your theaters of your minds were working overtime today. And if you could save them better. No, you couldn't. You're not a doctor like these two definitely are. I am not a doctor either, so I'm not legally liable for being sued for any reason of impersonating one.

[Bob]

Thank you.

[Host/Moderator]

Have a good day. There is merch on the site Distractible shop. And if you find it fashionable, you can buy that iron lung in theaters already. It's already happened. You already know that. It was a big scam. Just my. Let's play up there. For running twice, actually, because I had to fill the time. But thank you so much for giving me all of your money and ticket sales. And I will never regret it as long as I live. I will run away into the woods now and never be seen again. This has been Bob and Wade. You can find them at my screaming Lord, Minion 777 or Minion 777. I'm Markiplier. Have a lovely day podcast out.

[Narrator/Announcer]

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