[encore] Phoebe Robinson

Summary

Podcast Summary: Don't Ask Tig – [Encore] Phoebe Robinson

Episode Title: [Encore] Phoebe Robinson
Host: Tig Notaro
Guest: Phoebe Robinson
Release Date: October 9, 2024
Produced By: American Public Media

---

Introduction

In this encore presentation of a beloved episode from the "Don't Ask Tig" archives, Tig Notaro welcomes comedian and multifaceted talent Phoebe Robinson for an engaging and humorous discussion. The episode delves into personal anecdotes, life challenges, and reaches into the listeners' advice conundrums, all infused with Tig and Phoebe's trademark wit.

---

Guest Introduction

Tig Notaro opens the show with her characteristic humor:

[02:22] Tig Notaro: "This is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro, reminding everyone that if you don't ask, you shall still receive advice."

She introduces Phoebe Robinson, highlighting her achievements as an actor, comedian, producer, New York Times bestselling author, and podcaster.

[03:40] Tig Notaro: "My guest today is an actor, comedian and producer. She's also a New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, and just an all-around dope queen. Phoebe Robinson, my dear friend, thank you for joining."

Phoebe Robinson responds warmly, setting the tone for a friendly and candid conversation.

---

Personal Updates: Moving and Touring Stress

The conversation kicks off with Phoebe sharing her current life updates:

[06:31] Phoebe Robinson: "We are in the process of trying to sell our apartment so we can move and rent a bigger place while Luke is on the road working."

Phoebe reveals the double stress of relocating amidst her partner Luke’s demanding touring schedule, expressing concern over how to make Luke feel relaxed upon his return to a chaotic home environment.

[07:26] Phoebe Robinson: "He'll be gone for like 10 weeks. He's getting back into touring, and it just is, like, okay, he's going to come home to things being in flux and then go back out on the road."

Tig Notaro offers empathetic and practical advice, suggesting a thoughtful welcome for Luke to ease his transition back home.

[08:01] Tig Notaro: "Do you intercept him and just have him meet you at a hotel and have a really nice night or two together before, just so he can catch his breath and he doesn't feel like he has to unpack or pack... just be there and it's just the two of you together."

Phoebe appreciates the suggestion, recognizing its value in maintaining their relationship amidst the upheaval.

---

Listener Questions and Advice

1. Handling a Difficult Hair Specialist

Listener: Kobe
Question: Dealing with a curl specialist who is a right-wing denialist making uncomfortable remarks during appointments.

[14:00] Tig Notaro: "If you don't believe what this person is spewing, that's too much toxicity to be trapped in that situation."

Phoebe reinforces the importance of surrounding oneself with positive energy and suggests finding a new hair specialist to preserve personal well-being.

[17:54] Phoebe Robinson: "You truly do not want to let them go. She's in the Midwest, so there might be slim pickings, but there's gotta be somebody else in her town."

Tig humorously offers her own services, adding a lighthearted touch to the advice.

[18:26] Tig Notaro: "It's completely free. I am happy to come out there and work on your hair."

2. Deciding Where to Live: Colorado vs. Seattle

Listener: Unknown
Question: Choosing between the enjoyable lifestyle of Colorado without local friends or staying in Seattle with a strong friend network but not loving the big city vibe.

Phoebe advises prioritizing personal happiness and lifestyle over geographical convenience of friendships.

[23:26] Phoebe Robinson: "They prefer the lifestyle of Colorado. Then you just stay in Colorado... FaceTime, phone calls, you can fly to see friends."

Tig echoes the sentiment, emphasizing that personal quality of life should take precedence.

[23:35] Tig Notaro: "If your quality of life is going to be your neighborhood and like seeing your friend Rebecca is not going to make up for living in a neighborhood that you hate."

3. Dealing with a Critical Grandma

Listener: Megan
Question: Managing a grandmother who is consistently mean to others but affectionate towards Megan.

Phoebe suggests setting boundaries and limiting interactions to preserve emotional well-being.

[27:10] Phoebe Robinson: "She's not gonna change, Meg. ... sometimes some of the things that you say can hurt people's feelings."

Tig adds practical strategies, such as taking breaks during interactions to maintain peace of mind.

[31:28] Tig Notaro: "Shut it, Grandma."

Phoebe further advises engaging in activities that minimize confrontations.

[29:36] Phoebe Robinson: "Maybe do activities with her grandma where there's less talking... like watch The Voice."

4. Problematic Parrot in Relationships

Listener: Birdie
Question: A parrot that believes Birdie is his girlfriend, attacking friends and suitors.

Tig approaches the question with humor, suggesting unconventional solutions such as pairing the parrot with another bird.

[32:24] Tig Notaro: "Maybe set that parrot up with a bird."

Phoebe continues the comedic advice, highlighting the absurdity while still addressing the underlying issue of managing animal behavior.

[32:22] Phoebe Robinson: "Get a second bird. This is way more work. But hopefully, they'll fall in love..."

---

Advice of Yesteryear: 1919 Love Inquiry

In the "Advice of Yesteryear" segment, Tig and Phoebe tackle a nostalgic question from a 1919 Beatrice Fairfax advice column.

Question: A 21-year-old war worker is in love with a 31-year-old man who dismisses her declarations of love.

Phoebe empathizes with the heartache and offers modern perspectives on self-worth and relationship dynamics.

[36:22] Phoebe Robinson: "That's kind of hot. I'm not gonna lie."

Tig humorously critiques the dated advice provided in the original column, emphasizing the importance of self-respect and recognizing unreciprocated feelings.

[40:38] Tig Notaro: "The quickest way to lose any man is to be all pale and forlorn. Where's your spunk?"

Together, they conclude that the original advice demeans the questioner, advocating for empowerment and self-care instead.

---

Closing Remarks

Phoebe promotes her book, encouraging listeners to support her work, while Tig and Phoebe engage in a final exchange filled with humor and camaraderie.

[42:05] Phoebe Robinson: "Will you get my book? Please don't sit on my bed in your outside clothes."

[43:46] Tig Notaro: "I adore you."

The episode wraps up with gentle humor and heartfelt appreciation for each other's company, leaving listeners with both laughs and meaningful takeaways.

---

Notable Quotes

• Tig Notaro [08:01]: "Do you intercept him and just have him meet you at a hotel and have a really nice night or two together before, just so he can catch his breath and he doesn't feel like he has to unpack or pack... just be there and it's just the two of you together."

• Phoebe Robinson [23:26]: "They prefer the lifestyle of Colorado. Then you just stay in Colorado... FaceTime, phone calls, you can fly to see friends."

• Tig Notaro [31:28]: "Shut it, Grandma."

• Phoebe Robinson [41:17]: "Grandmother Beatrice is a bitch. Just eat your dinner."

---

Conclusion

This encore episode of "Don't Ask Tig" featuring Phoebe Robinson masterfully blends personal storytelling with practical advice, all delivered through the dynamic chemistry between Tig and Phoebe. Listeners are treated to a mix of heartfelt guidance and lighthearted humor, making it both entertaining and insightful.

---

Follow and Engage

For more advice and stimulating conversations, follow "Don't Ask Tig" on social media and submit your own questions at Don'tAskTig.org. Join Tig and guests in navigating life's myriad challenges with a blend of wisdom and laughter.

Transcript

[Phoebe Robinson]

Hey, all.

[Jamie Lynn Sigler]

I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler, a mom, actor, and advocate. I know how overwhelming it can be trying to decide which treatment is right for you. I've been there. But you should know you're not alone. You can do this. Start with some research, talk to the community, and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions. You might find results that speak for themselves. That's how I landed on qysimta. Ask your doctor if Qsimta ofatumumab could be right for you. You can check out the [e-mail] hey, Danas and Beckys.

[Tig Notaro]

What you're about to hear is an encore presentation of one of our favorite episodes from the Don't Ask Tig archives.

[Unknown]

Please enjoy. Hey, Danas and Beckys, it's your friend Tig reminding you that for this show to exist, we need to hear from you about your advice conundrums. Are you at a fork in the road and don't know which direction to take? A situation where you're wondering if you're the victim or the villain? Do you need in expert advice about something going on at work, in your family, or in your love life? Whether it's a hoo boy or a minor issue you just can't get over? I am here to not help you. Don't try and go through life on your own.

[Tig Notaro]

All right?

[Unknown]

You can't do it. You could do it, but you need some confusing advice from myself and a special guest of some sort. Maybe we will help iron it out. Maybe we will make it worse. And if we do make it worse, then write into another advice podcast, okay? See if they can help you with what we didn't help you with or how we misled you in some way. I'm not trying to get you to listen to other podcasts. Trust me, this is the only one that matters. Okay, write in at don't asktig.org or call 833-ASK-TIG4 and if I don't pick up, just leave a voicemail. That's don't asktig.org now, on with the show.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Should we do something, like, more physical? Like, you were in army of the Dead. Should you, like, teach me how to do, like, stunt movie stuff?

[Tig Notaro]

Did you say stunt?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, stunt movie stunts.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't think you understand who you are dealing with. My body has not done anything stunt, like, in two decades. I think I get into, like, what appears to be action movement, and then they cut away, and then they always put, like, a Teenage boy in who is my body double? Every time I've had a body double on something, I look over and it's like a 12 year old boy and they're like, hi, I'm your body double. Are you kidding me? It's hilarious.

[Phoebe Robinson]

That is. Okay, so maybe no movie studs.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no.

[Unknown]

We are not alone and nobody is hopeless. Everybody goes to sh. We got a friend in T. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

This is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro, reminding everyone that if you don't ask, you shall still receive advice. My guest today is an actor, comedian and producer. She's also a New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, and just an all around dope queen. Phoebe Robinson, my dear friend, thank you for joining. Joining me.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Tig. Tig, how are you?

[Tig Notaro]

I'm good. But you accidentally renamed me you. You normally call me Tig Tig, but when we were texting the other day, I became a new name.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Tig Big. I think Tig Big is just as good.

[Tig Notaro]

I think I answer whenever you call, no matter what you. You call me.

[Unknown]

So.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Likewise.

[Tig Notaro]

Now, Phoebe, a few years back I was a guest on your advice podcast, 2 Dope Queens. And you actually called the episode Tig Notaro gives the best advice. Do you regret saying that now that I have served up some dodgy advice on Don't Ask Tig?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Here's the thing. What I love about your advice is I think too often people take themselves so seriously and they're like, you have to follow what I say in order for your life to improve. And you're just like, I'm just gonna be me. I'm gonna say some stuff. If it applies to you, great. If it doesn't, you've moved on.

[Tig Notaro]

That's right.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Do you remember the last bit of advice you gave?

[Tig Notaro]

Was it on the show or was.

[Unknown]

It in real on the show?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Like, do you remember the last.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no clue. I don't remember anything.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Exactly. You don't remember.

[Tig Notaro]

It's fine. How is your memory? Do you have a good memory?

[Phoebe Robinson]

It's situation dependent. Like. Or specific. I should say. Like, so with my boyfriend, I remember it all so I can like catch him anything and trip him up, you know. But then like sometimes with my assistant, she'll be like, you said this. I'll be like, I did. And I have no memory of saying what she said. I said so.

[Tig Notaro]

Right.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Right where it counts. I don't remember anything.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I probably have similar memory with that. Like for the majority of life, I barely Remember anything, but. Well, actually. And then I was going to say, but with Stephanie, I remember. And then I can hold my ground in an argument, but a lot of times I'm proven wrong over and over, so I don't know what I'm even talking about. Is there anything going on in your life right now that you feel like you need advice for?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Well, this is so ignorant of us. We are in the process of trying to sell our apartment so we can move and go rent a bigger apartment while I'm just gonna say his name. Luke is on. He's on the road working.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

My standup Special comes out October 14th. And then the next day, we're moving.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my goodness.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah. And there's a furniture shortage. So I was talking to my interior designer. These are all champagne problems. Please, like, I don't feel. Don't feel sorry for me.

[Tig Notaro]

Nobody does. There's not a single person listening that is feeling any sort of pain for you, but go on.

[Phoebe Robinson]

But we won't be fully furnished until January, and so it's just like a whole. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

I'm starting to feel something.

[Phoebe Robinson]

No, but it's. Here's the reason. Here's the only reason why I feel, like, bad is Luke has been on the road. He'll be gone for, like, 10 weeks. It's like, the longest we've been apart. He's getting back into touring, and it just is, like, okay, he's going to come home to things being in flux and then go back out on the road. So I just feel bad that, like, things are just, like, topsy turvy when he's supposed to be home relaxing.

[Unknown]

Right.

[Tig Notaro]

Right.

[Phoebe Robinson]

So how do I make him feel like he's able to relax and unwind when we have pure chaos going on right now?

[Tig Notaro]

Let me just tell you something really fast that I think might amuse you.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

We were just talking about memory problems. I forgot what we were talking about and why you were going into that until you swung back around to say you need advice on how. I was like, oh, right. I asked her. I completely forgot. I was just listening to you friend to friend, just like, oh, okay. So Luke's coming home. Is he still out with the same band that I know he went out with before? Yeah. And so is that top secret? I know you keep certain things top secret.

[Phoebe Robinson]

And I mean, you could say, yeah, he's with. He's still with Guns N Roses. Yeah. Nice. I know. It's so. It's so cool, but I just am sort of. I just know how demanding Music touring is. And so he's having a great time. He's reunited with a lot of his friends from acdc, but it's sort of like touring during COVID and, like, people aren't wearing masks, and he's in, like, stadiums with, like, 20,000 people. It's very sort of unnerving, high stress for 10 weeks and. And then he's gonna come home, and it's like a different kind of stress. And so I just don't know how to make him feel relaxed.

[Tig Notaro]

Is it actually gonna be, like, packing, moving kind of vibe? Is it chaotic? Is there a lot of people in and out? Is it.

[Phoebe Robinson]

No, there's not a lot of people in and out. And we packed up a lot of stuff and put it into storage, so it's, like, set to stage, so we don't have a lot left to pack.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I might just do a Massala and just sort of get, like, white glove movers to pack everything so he doesn't have to, like, come home and, like, be packing with me.

[Tig Notaro]

Right, right, right. I don't know. You know, this advice probably isn't. I don't know that it's quite right because we're talking about somebody that's been gone for so long. But my instinct right away was. Was like, do you intercept him and. And just have him meet you at, like, a. A hotel and have, like, a really nice night or two together before, just so he can catch his breath and he doesn't feel like he has to unpack or pack or even unpack his suitcase, Just, like, be there and it's just the two of you together and then transition into whatever life is.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I really like that.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, I think that's great. And I think he. Cause, you know, we. We are so sappy, like, oh, we miss each other and blah, blah, blah. But it's like, you know, you just bounce as, you know, like, doing touring, stand up, you're just bouncing from city to city, and you're just, like. You're, like, sleeping. You work, you eat, you go to bed at weird hours. Like, it's just not. Like, there's no. Like, your routine is totally gone. And in certain ways. And so, yeah, it's tough to sort of, like, transition out of that and come back into, like, real life and then have to transition out of that again to go back on the. You know what I mean? It's just a lot.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. What if you just. You were, like. You told your work people, and you were just like, I'm going to Take a night or two, whatever it is, and I'm just going to have a lockdown to welcome Luke home. And we're going to order in or we're going to whatever it is. Just like, I bet just that thought and attempt at making his arrival feel special would feel incredible to him.

[Phoebe Robinson]

This is great advice, Tig.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, great. Well, that's why when I did your podcast years ago, you said, tig Notaro gives great advice.

[Phoebe Robinson]

You do. I think you sell yourself short. Honestly, I do.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, then. Then make it happen and send me pictures of you and Luke at the hotel.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Will be. Rob. Life will be the whole thing. It'll be really seriously.

[Tig Notaro]

That would be so awesome. I would. I bet he would be so touched. Okay, and then you tell him this is Tig Big's idea. Now, Phoebe, you have a new Comedy Central show doing the Most with Phoebe Robinson, and it features celebrities teaching you new hobbies and careers. And is there a particular hobby that you love that you want me to try with you?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Oh, my God. Ooh, I do want to learn how to drive. I feel like you teaching me how to drive would be hysterical.

[Tig Notaro]

I would love to teach you how to drive a stick shift. Not just drive, but, like, add another layer. Stick shift. No one can drive that anymore.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Is. You have to move that every time.

[Tig Notaro]

Every time you shift, you got to shift that stick.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I would do that with you in a heartbeat. That would be so fun. Oh, you know what? I've always wanted to get a tattoo. I've never gotten a tattoo. We should go together. Do you have any tattoos? You don't, right?

[Unknown]

I have.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't have tattoos. I have. Well, I have one tattoo. My brother threw a ballpoint pen at me in sixth grade, and it stuck on the inside of my knee, and so I have a dot, but that's all I want.

[Phoebe Robinson]

My God. You just want the one dot I want.

[Tig Notaro]

I love having one dot. Like, if I go missing and the authorities ask if I have any tattoos, you can tell them she does have one dot on the inside of her knee.

[Phoebe Robinson]

But if you just got, like, Tig Big across the inside of your wrist. Come on, that'd be great.

[Tig Notaro]

You need to get that on the inside of your wrist. I'll go with you. I'll go with you when you get your tattoo.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

All right. Phoebe, I need your help helping my listeners. Are you up for it?

[Phoebe Robinson]

I would love to do it.

[Tig Notaro]

That's why you're here.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Your first book is titled Don't Touch My Hair. And our first Question is from with a related dilemma. Kobe writes, I'm a 43 year old, quote unquote curly girl. And after decades of bad haircuts, I finally found a curl specialist who does a great job with my hair. My dilemma, she's a right wing nut job, cuckoo bird. I found her personality annoying at the very first visit, but I only have to see her every six to seven months, so I figured I could handle it. On the second visit she said some stupid stuff about COVID but it was still tolerable. My last visit was unbearable. I'm a non confrontational Midwesterner so I just kept trying to gently redirect, but she was relentless. I talked about my job as a nurse practitioner and she said Covid was a hoax. I tried to talk about the weather. She said climate change is fake. How would you handle this? If you can read into Phoebe's. Yeah, through that.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Oh my God, she can't go to this woman anymore. I'm sorry, like, yeah, she's a nurse, she's like talking about COVID This person is basically disrespecting her to her face. Like I bow down to all essential workers. They are going through it partially because people don't give a shit and can't do the one thing of like just wear the mask or socially distance like without complaining. So I know how hard it is, believe me, as a black lady, I know when you find a person who can do your hair, you truly do not want to let them go. But I think with someone who's so close minded and you don't feel good being there in their presence, you don't feel that great. When you go home, it's just like life is too short to kind of spend time with people who are just surrounding you with negative energy and aren't sort of giving anything good back. So I think you just have to find someone else. She's in the Midwest, so there might be slim pickings, I understand, but there's gotta be somebody else in her town. What town is she from? Where she. Where'd she write in from?

[Tig Notaro]

Did she say it? Just says Midwesterner. I don't know if that's where she's originally from or where she is. But listen, I know it looks like my hair, it's like a horse chewed on it. And, and a lot of times maybe that's the case. I've been cutting my own hair. During the pandemic I had a hair guy, he sadly passed away. At the beginning of the pandemic I had, I went to him for six. I didn't even go to him. He came to my house for 60 years. Devastating. Totally devastating. I mean, he passed away, but I'm still looking for my hair person. And I think it's hard even if your hair looks like, you know, horses have been feasting on your head. But it's worth finding somebody good. But also like Phoebe saying where you feel good when you're with this person or they're working on you, if you don't believe what this person is spewing, that's too much toxicity to be trapped in that situation. And it's false information and it's. Yeah, it's so triggering right now. Yeah, it's a tough time. And look, I'm happy to fly out and you need to tell us where you are because I've been cutting my hair. I've been cutting my kids hair. My father in law lives with us. I cut his hair. Now I am. I'm not a curly girl specialist, but I am happy to come out there and work on. On your hair.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Kobe, I think you should take. Take up on that offer. And one other thing is, I know in certain cultures, like people are very protective of their hair because they feel like energy goes in through your hair throughout the rest of your body. And I'm not necessarily fully into that idea, but I do believe that when people are working on your body, like their energy is going from them to you and this person, you are not a good fit. So I think you should stop going to them. Tig, what's your rate to do her hair? What would you charge?

[Tig Notaro]

It's completely free. It's completely free? Yeah. I mean, I am happy to use my miles to fly myself out there. Just pick me up from the airport. I bought my own hair cutting kit with everything, the little bib that goes on you, I just feel like that.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Is like it's gonna be tough for her to find another person who can do curly hair. But I. Yeah, that's. That's tough.

[Tig Notaro]

There has to be someone, except aside from this person that thinks Covid is a hoax and that climate change is fake. There has to be.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, I agree. Oof. Let us know when you find.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, find other curly girls and ask them. You must be doing that already. Already. What am I. What am I talking about? Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry, Kobe. Good luck with that. Phoebe. It's time for a break, but sit tight. We'll be right back with more questions. Hey, all.

[Jamie Lynn Sigler]

I'm Jamie Lynn Sigler, a mom actor and advocate. I know how overwhelming it can be trying to dec which treatment is right for you. I've been there. But you should know you're not alone. You can do this. Start with some research, talk to the community, and most importantly, don't be afraid to ask your doctor questions. You might find results that speak for themselves. That's how I landed on qysimta. Ask your doctor if Qisimta ofatumumab could be right for you. You can check out the [e-mail] I'm.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Franklin Leonard, founder of the Blacklist. We know what makes a good screenplay, but when it comes to what makes a blockbuster or a box office B.O. the truth is nobody knows anything. Including our star panel of podcast guests. I was told this was a quiz program.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, just so you know.

[Unknown]

I just thought it was a gripping podcast.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Nobody Knows Anything presented by fx. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. The Road is Calling Embrace the thrill of the drive with the all new fully electric Audi Q6E Tron, featuring effortless power and advanced Audi tech. The next chapter of Audi starts now.

[Unknown]

Did you know 39% of teen drivers admit to texting while driving? Even scarier, those who text are more likely to speed and run red lights. Shockingly, 94% know it's dangerous, but do it anyway. As a parent, you can't always be in the car, but you can stay connected to their safety with Greenlight Infinity's driving reports. Monitor their driving habits, see if they're using their phone, speeding and more. These reports provide real data for meaningful conversations about safety. Plus, with weekly updates, you can track their progress over time. Help keep your teens safe. Sign up for Greenlight [e-mail] podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

And we are back. Phoebe this next question is about planting roots and where to do that.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Oh, okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Where to live writes My husband and I have relocated to a new city three times in three years. We want to stay in one place but can't seem to settle on where. We met in Colorado and love the lifestyle it offers. But we don't have any friends or family there. We have a lot of friends in Seattle but don't love living in the big city. Do we go with the enjoyable lifestyle of Colorado or the friends in Seattle? I mean right away I feel like you'll make friends in time. Yeah, and if you are attached to your friends then you should make special visits to see your friends that are in Seattle. And what a great little trip, you know. Or have your friends out to see you. But if you've only spent a year in a place you're not giving any time to meet people. Yeah, I know it's harder when you are an adult but I think there's so many options with the Internet these days. Plus it's hard to even hang out with people with COVID At least you have a spouse, you know? Yeah, yeah. Like if a city is really getting you down, that is your day to day. Whereas friends, I, and I'm just assuming you see from time to time. You know what I mean? I don't know. What do you think, Phoebe? It's. It's hard.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah. They got the. First of all, they gotta stop. Stop with this travel nonsense. This is too much. You're packing up and moving every year. Who has the money? Who has the time? This is too much.

[Tig Notaro]

They clearly do.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah. Okay, so they, their friends are in Seattle, but they prefer, they prefer the lifestyle of Colorado.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Then you just stay in Colorado. Like friends are great but like your quality of life is going to be your neighborhood and like seeing your friend Rebecca is not going to make up for living in a neighborhood that you hate. You know what I mean? And so like there's FaceTime, there's you know, phone calls, you can fly to see friends.

[Tig Notaro]

There's letter writing.

[Phoebe Robinson]

You could get out a piece of.

[Tig Notaro]

Paper in a pen and say Dear Rebecca, dear big city Rebecca.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I'm also like, is Seattle like that big of a city? I've only been there for literally a day and a half. Like is it like a major.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, it's a big city. It's a big city. But can I just tell you the most horrifying and truly like, like horror film level of terror I just imagined when I just said write a letter. Can you like really imagine if you open an envelope and got a two page letter from a friend these days? Wouldn't you be worried about their mental state?

[Phoebe Robinson]

It would seem. Where do you find the stamps? I haven't had a stamp in seven years. I don't even. How do you mail it out?

[Tig Notaro]

And how do you talk to yourself for two pages front and back for that long. It, it, you know, it's like when a crazy person. Right like that. Even if it's a stable friend or family member that wrote you a two page letter, it would feel like somebody is off if they wrote you because you're really just. God, that is such a weird concept. I think I'm probably gonna have to talk about that on stage or something. Cause like to really write that long one sided, you're asking questions up front, and then you're just blabbing about yourself in the middle, filling people in. It's like, pick up a phone. Pick up the phone, you lunatic. Oh, my God, you psychopath.

[Phoebe Robinson]

So don't write a letter is what tickets do.

[Tig Notaro]

I mean, truly, if you open. Yeah, open an envelope. And it went. A letter went on. And wouldn't you open it with, like, a horn? Like, what is wrong? What happened?

[Phoebe Robinson]

I'm like, open the envelope and, like, shake it out and be like, what's the real thing that's in here? It's not this dumb letter. Like, what's.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. I haven't even thought about that. So, yeah, don't write a letter. Stay in Colorado. Fly out to Seattle, visit those people. Tell them to come visit you out in the mountains on your ranch. It sounds like you probably live on a ranch. Rolling hills and rugged mountains. Oh, man. Where to live? Ain't it the life? That's where you should live. Phoebe. The next question comes from Megan. Okay, all right. Megan writes, please help. I have a grandma who I love dearly, but she makes the meanest comments about almost everyone and everything. Uh oh, how do I deal with a grandma who is a meanie pants to pretty much everyone except me?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Listen, she's not gonna change, Meg. Breaking news. This is who grandma is. This is what Meemaw's all about. I think you have to sort of, kind of accept that this is the way that she expresses herself. And you can maybe sort of limit how much you interact with her. If you're like, okay, I can only, like, take this for like an hour, then I need a break for like 15 minutes to go take a walk and then come back. I think that's it. But I think the grandma's only going to change if she feels that, like, what she's doing is mean. And I don't think that she does. So it's sort of like the older that I get, I'm just sort of like, you kind of have to accept people where they are and who they are. Like, of course there's certain things everyone can work on, but fundamental things like that she's just kind of set in her ways, you know?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I do love the idea of, like, spending time spending 15 minutes and then taking a walk, coming back, spending 15 minutes, taking another walk. But yeah, I mean, you have to take care. It's kind of like the. The curly girl. You have to take care of your peace of mind and think, is this does this feel right. And how can I. You know, there's some people that I know that get completely trashed, you know, when they. When they drink. And sometimes it's best to meet them for coffee. You know, those people meet them for coffee at a coffee shop in the morning. Yeah. And. But it's. It's that kind of thing of making the right decision. My cousin's daughter's grandmother is 94. We're not blood related, but we're distantly related within our family. And my cousin's daughter pointed to me and said to her grandmother, tig is our movie star cousin. And her grandmother looked at me in my cargo pants and T shirt, and she said, she doesn't look like a movie star. And all I could think was, like, yeah. I mean, in her day, it was like, Audrey Hepburn.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, those people.

[Tig Notaro]

And she's looking at me going, a movie star? The hell? I loved it, though.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Maybe another thing that Meg could do is, like, do activities with her grandma where there's less talking. Like, watch the voice. Like, everyone loves the voice. No one has a negative thing to say about Blake Shelton. You know what I mean? Like, that's common ground. I don't know. I didn't grow up having, like, grandma's, like, my family's, like, a whole other conversation. So I never had any interaction with my grandparents. But, yeah, I don't know.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I think. I think it's. I think it's good to. To limit your time or decide on particular activities, or you can also give people a heads up. Hey, my grandmother is so rude and mean, and we're going to have to have a sense of humor about it because there's no changing her ways. Yeah, I know some people could have been offended if they were me. If somebody was like, you don't look like a movie star. It's like, I don't care if I look like a movie star or not, you know?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah. Meg could also say something to her grandma, and, like, not with the expectation that she's going to completely change her temperament, but just say, hey, like, you know, I love spending time with you. I love, like, when my friends or my partner comes over to, like, spend time with you as well. Just sometimes some of the things that you say can hurt people's feelings. Like throwing that out there and seeing how she responds. If, like, she goes like, oh, I didn't realize, you know, but if she just then, like, doubles down and says something mean to you, then you're like, well, okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Or you could go in a totally different direction. Anytime she says it, you could be like, shut it, Grandma.

[Unknown]

Zip it.

[Phoebe Robinson]

No one wants to hear you.

[Tig Notaro]

That was mean. All right, Phoebe, this is our final listener question. Birdie writes, my parrot, who I love dearly, thinks I'm his girlfriend, tries to attack all of my friends and potential suitors. I keep him in a cage when folks are over, but he screams the entire time demanding attention. He's supposed to live another 30 years. What do I do? Okay, if you love someone, set him free.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Maybe hook him. Maybe hook that parrot up with that grandmother.

[Phoebe Robinson]

They could just go back and forth.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I just wonder if birdie sent some mixed signals to this parrot, because I feel like I don't know a lot about parrots, but I feel like they don't just assume they're in a romantic relationship with their owners.

[Tig Notaro]

So you think birdie was flirting with her parrot?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Could be. Could be.

[Tig Notaro]

Maybe walking around the house, like, without clothes on or something, and the bird took it the wrong way.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, she'd be walking around her like Savage Fenty Underwear by Rihanna. And, you know, the bird fell in love.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I think what she should do is get the parrot a friend. Like, you have to treat this like a. Like a romantic comedy. So you need to set the parrot up with a bird.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Get a second bird. This is way more work. But hopefully they'll fall in love, and then you can bring people over to have sex with and they won't get, like, pecked in the thigh or whatever.

[Tig Notaro]

Or get, like, a cage that is that you can travel with and put the bird outside when visitors come, and then the bird won't see because, you know, maybe this bird is just, like, won't be able to get over birdie, you know? And I would like out of sight, out of mind, because I feel like buying more birds. Like, she's gonna end up with a bird sanctuary. Like, what if those two birds don't get along? Then you're gonna have to buy more birds. Like a bird therapist.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Well, maybe the parrot is lonely. Like, don't parrots, like, normally, like, in nature, like, hang out with. Don't they have friends? I don't know anything about parrots.

[Tig Notaro]

I live indoors. But I have a friend that has a parrot, and she got, like, a little parrot stuffed animal and put the parrot stuffed animal in the cage with her parrot. And then the parrot started, quote, unquote, dating that stuffed parrot.

[Phoebe Robinson]

There you go.

[Tig Notaro]

Problem solved, Birdie. I hope that helps. Phoebe, before you go, I need you to do one more thing. Yes, it's a segment we call Advice of Yesteryear.

[Phoebe Robinson]

When Jerry brags about taking Ginny out.

[Tig Notaro]

He learns that she dates all the boys. So, as we see now, menstruation is.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Just one routine step in a normal and natural cycle.

[Tig Notaro]

How do you choose a date? Well, one thing you can consider is, look, I did everything you said, but my boss still hasn't asked me to lunch. This is where we take a real question from an advice column of yesteryear and we try to answer it a little better. Okay, this question comes to us from a 1919 Beatrice Fairfax advice column. All right. Dear Beatrice Fairfax, I am just 21 and in love with a man 10 years my senior. Who writes like this? He has never told me that he loves me, but when I tell him that I love him, he just laughs and does not take me seriously. How shall I make him understand? We eat breakfast and dinner together every day. At least he eats. I'm not very hungry anymore. Oh, please tell me what to do. Signed, a war worker.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine getting a two page front to back letter from. From. From this person? What is.

[Phoebe Robinson]

21 dating a 31 year old?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, I mean, that's.

[Phoebe Robinson]

That's kind of hot. I'm not gonna lie.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay?

[Phoebe Robinson]

I wish I could have had that situation when I was 21. This is 1919. Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

They didn't even have cars.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I know. They didn't have stick shift or anything.

[Tig Notaro]

Do they have cars?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Let me Google when. When. When did. When were cars?

[Tig Notaro]

1905. Maybe they just got a car.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Oh, cars were invented 1886.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, well, listen, this is don't ask Tig, Right? I don't know when car. They haven't even been around.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

You know what I'm saying? Like, this is so new.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Meaning so long ago. Meaning cars are brand new. Why am I talking about cars? This person needs help. Is this person still alive? No. No chance. They could be. They could be.

[Phoebe Robinson]

So they'd be 123 years old.

[Tig Notaro]

Could be. Could be.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Okay.

[Tig Notaro]

Highly doubt it.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, I think she has to listen. Obviously she's with this older guy. The sex is probably decent for that time is.

[Tig Notaro]

How do you know they're having sex? Because she said we eat breakfast and eat dinner together. Is that code for where? Yeah, we're.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Of course. You think she's, like, getting up at like, 4 in the morning, putting her.

[Tig Notaro]

Riches to, like, putting her bonnet on?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, Putting her bonnet on to go, like, drive a stick shift, Riding her.

[Tig Notaro]

Horse and carriage over there? I Don't know what she's up to.

[Phoebe Robinson]

They're clearly spending the night together.

[Tig Notaro]

I just didn't think that happened in 1919.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I think. You know what? Sure, there were people who were very traditional, but I think there were also people who were, like, living that thought life.

[Tig Notaro]

They're like, whatever, off goes my bonnet.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, exactly. And I think she should, like, keep, like, hooking up with this guy, but then start, like, putting out feelers to find someone else, and then when she finds a better guy, leave this guy.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, why should she put out feelers to find someone else if I'm just.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Trying to give practical advice for 19. 19. Yeah, you need to, like, swing from one dick to the next. Like, she's not, she's not, she's not working.

[Tig Notaro]

Uh huh.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Okay, so she needs to find the next, you know, financial opportunity.

[Tig Notaro]

Wait, how do we know she's not working?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Would do. I was good at Google. Did women have jobs?

[Tig Notaro]

Did women's jobs exist in 1919? But I mean, a war worker, what is that? What's a war worker? That sounds like she's working. I mean, it sounds like she's flat out working.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, that's true. Oh, yeah, she does have a job. You're right. You're right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, she's working the war. That's a big job. She's busy. I don't know how she has time to have breakfast and dinner with this guy every night or day. However she gets to somebody else. I think she needs to. He. He doesn't love her. You don't laugh when somebody says, I love you.

[Phoebe Robinson]

No.

[Tig Notaro]

When you love someone, you meet them in that moment and in that confession of how you feel, and you accept it. You don't, you don't go. I. I can't even imagine that if Stephanie told me she loved me the first time and I'm like, oh, eat your porridge, you know?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah, this guy's a scumbag.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

I mean, we can all agree. Yeah, he's garbage.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you want to know what Beatrice had to say?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yes.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, the answer is, I don't know. Anything I'd rather do than give you a good spanking.

[Phoebe Robinson]

What?

[Tig Notaro]

Of course he laughs. All men laugh. When a woman tells them she loves them. The only time they get serious is when they love. Stop throwing yourself at his head and eat your dinner. The quickest way to lose any man is to be all pale and forlorn. Where's your spunk? Get that back and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Then maybe the gentleman Will begin to show signs of interest.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Wow.

[Tig Notaro]

My gosh. She should hang out with meanie pants.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Grandmother Beatrice is a bitch. Just eat your dinner.

[Tig Notaro]

We found out the name of that grandmother. Grandmother Beatrice.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Oh, my gosh. Eat your dinner. Just eat your dinner, lady.

[Tig Notaro]

Just eat your dinner.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

And get ready for your spanking from Beatrice.

[Phoebe Robinson]

All men laugh.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, See, that's. That's why I date women. Phoebe, that's the end of the show.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Did I do a good job?

[Tig Notaro]

Tig, you were stellar. You're always stellar.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Thank you.

[Tig Notaro]

Is there anything that you want to mention to our listeners?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Just, you know, will you get my book? Please don't sit on my bed in your outside clothes. I hope it makes you laugh, feel good, get enraged and laugh some more. I write about all kinds of stuff in it, so it's a good book.

[Tig Notaro]

Can I tell you, I love that title? When I first saw that, I was like, thank you. I. I mean, I literally can't stand when people sit on my bed in their outside clothes.

[Phoebe Robinson]

It's disgusting. Even, like, when I first started dating Luke, and he would, like, get off the subway, he would, like, come home and sit on the couch. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. This city's disgusting. You need to go take off those pants and put on pajamas. And he was like, and now he does it. But at first he was like, this is very bizarre. And I was like, have you seen New York?

[Tig Notaro]

Do you have just general germ issues?

[Phoebe Robinson]

I think I have some germ issues, which I probably got from my parents. But I think just like, living in a big city, you know, like, you just see how filthy it is all the time.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Phoebe Robinson]

So it makes me kind of just go like, I want. This is disgusting. But I once. I once got pink eye from the subway in my early 20s. Like, this city's gross.

[Tig Notaro]

And doesn't pink eye come from feces?

[Phoebe Robinson]

Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Let's end there. Let's end there. Oh, boy. Well, it was great to see you, Phoebe. And I really appreciate you taking the time to do the show. And I can't wait to see you and Luke when you get to town.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Anytime. I adore you.

[Unknown]

O my sweet child there's so much I want you to know oh, my sweet child there's so much I want you to see I wish that I could could give you the answer I wish that I could make you believe I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is.

Don't Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas Willette, Shana Deloria and Ryan Lohr. Our executive producer and editor is Beth Pearlman. Engineering and sound mixing by Johnny, Vince Evans and Eric Ramani. Talent booking by Marianne Ways. Production support from Pizza Shark and Alaina C. Our theme music is Friend and Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Crushem and Listen to youo Heart by Edie Brickell. Special thanks to Hunter Seidman, Lily Kim, Alex Schaffert and Lauren D. Concept developed by Tracy Mumford. Our executive consultant is Dean Cappello and Gobsmack Studios. You can always ask for advice at Don't Ask. Just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo. Remember to follow us on social media at Don't Ask Tig. Don't Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media. And as always, thanks Dana and I'll tell Becky.

That's what your heart is for. That's what your heart is for. That's what your heart is. Listen to your heart.

The Soul to Story podcast is about how teaching kids to read went wrong. But now we have a story about a school district where things are going very right.

[Phoebe Robinson]

Let me make sure my friends are sitting crisscross applesauce, hands in their lap. I've never had a child that couldn't read.

[Unknown]

How did they do it?

[Phoebe Robinson]

When I tell some of my other.

[Tig Notaro]

Colleagues that may be at other schools.

[Phoebe Robinson]

That this is what I do and.

[Tig Notaro]

They would say, you kidding me?

[Unknown]

New episodes of Sold a Story are available now in your podcast. Apparently.