[encore] Stephanie Allynne

Summary

Podcast Summary: Don't Ask Tig – [Encore] Stephanie Allynne
Host: Tig Notaro
Guest: Stephanie Allynne
Release Date: April 10, 2024

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Introduction

In this encore episode of Don't Ask Tig, host Tig Notaro welcomes back her first-ever returning guest, Stephanie Allynne—an accomplished actress, comedian, writer, and director known for her roles in In A World, One Mississippi, Twin Peaks, The L Word: Generation Q, and more. Alongside her wife Kristin (played by Stephanie herself), they delve into personal anecdotes, family stories, and listener questions, offering inexpert yet heartfelt advice on various life challenges.

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Revisiting Past Conversations

The episode opens with Stephanie addressing past listener interactions about growing older. She shares heartfelt reflections on aging, birthday experiences, and personal milestones.

Notable Quote:
"I’m very comfortable with being 52. I’m happy to be where I am."
— Kristin (01:30)

Stephanie recounts a memorable birthday spent stranded at the Las Vegas airport, turning what seemed like a disaster into a fun family adventure thanks to the camaraderie of their chatty sons.

Notable Quote:
"We spent almost five hours in the airport lounge during March Madness, and our sons made friends with everybody."
— Kristin (04:49)

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Family Dynamics and Hilarious Mishaps

Stephanie and Kristin share humorous and poignant stories from their family life, highlighting the chaos and love that come with extended family gatherings.

Vegas Airport Birthday Adventure

Stephanie narrates the ordeal of a canceled flight on her birthday, leading to unexpected delays and family interactions that ultimately made the day enjoyable.

Notable Quote:
"We got rebooked three times, delayed speaker. We spent almost five hours in the airport lounge..."
— Kristin (04:49)

Graveyard Fiasco

A particularly funny yet touching story involves Kristin’s brother accidentally falling into their stepfather Rick’s grave during a funeral, leading to stunned silence followed by laughter.

Notable Quote:
"Is this really happening? This must happen all the time. Of course, it doesn't happen all the time."
— Kristin (12:38)

Stephanie contrasts this with another graveyard mishap involving misplacement of ashes, adding a layer of dark humor to their family tales.

Notable Quote:
"When my father died, his ashes blew out of the bag and were buried in somebody else’s grave."
— Stephanie (15:00)

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Listener Q&A: Advice Segments

The heart of the episode centers around listener questions, where Stephanie and Kristin provide their perspectives on various personal dilemmas.

1. Navigating Love and Picky Dating (Emily’s Question)

Question:
"I am 30 years old and have been perpetually single for 10 years... Should I maybe try spending more of my time with someone in the hopes that a little annoying thing stops bothering me?"
— Emily

Advice:
Both Kristin and Stephanie discuss the importance of recognizing red flags early in relationships. They suggest that if multiple minor issues are causing dissatisfaction, it may indicate deeper incompatibilities rather than simply being picky.

Notable Quote:
"When you really love someone, those things don't bother you."
— Kristin (18:21)

2. Managing Yelling with Young Children (Jess’s Question)

Question:
"I have three kids under the age of six... I have become a yeller... What would you suggest to change?"
— Jess

Advice:
The duo empathize with Jess’s struggles, attributing the yelling to heightened stress and new family dynamics. They recommend seeking professional help and finding moments for self-care to alleviate stress.

Notable Quote:
"It's an invitation to go, 'Oh, I need alone time.'"
— Kristin (27:01)

3. Cat Ownership Enthusiasm (Libby’s Question)

Question:
"I like cats. How many cats can I own?"
— Libby

Advice:
Encouraging Libby’s love for cats, Kristin and Stephanie advocate for responsible pet ownership, emphasizing ensuring each cat is well-fed and loved, regardless of the number.

Notable Quote:
"Why stop? Why would you stop?"
— Kristin (31:25)

4. Deciding on a New Haircut (Laura’s Question)

Question:
"I need a new haircut. It’s so dull... Should I dye it pink? Should I wear a fringe? Should I shave it all off?"
— Laura

Advice:
They suggest starting with a manageable change, such as adding bangs or changing hair color, to ease into a new look without drastic regret.

Notable Quote:
"Bangs can look really cool."
— Stephanie (35:05)

5. Addressing Misgendering in Public (Sid’s Question)

Question:
"Our baby’s second parent is my wife... What can I say when people misgender her?"
— Sid

Advice:
Stephanie and Kristin emphasize the importance of correcting misconceptions politely but firmly, offering creative responses to ensure respect and acknowledgment of Sid’s wife.

Notable Quote:
"That's my hersband, Sid."
— Kristin (40:43)

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Therapy Etiquette Segment

Sponsored by BetterHelp, the episode includes a segment on encouraging loved ones to seek therapy. The hosts provide compassionate strategies for approaching sensitive conversations without judgment.

Notable Quote:
"Frame your encouragement in ways that are empowering, not judgmental."
— Stephanie (23:57)

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"Come Back To Me Later" Segment

Addressing social interaction dilemmas, Stephanie and Kristin offer witty and practical responses to real-life scenarios, helping listeners navigate awkward moments with humor and grace.

Listener Request:
"When people assume my partner is a man, what’s a good response to correct them?"
— Sid

Suggested Response:
Stephanie jokes about misgendering in return, while Kristin proposes creative alternatives like saying, "That's my hersband, Sid."

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Behind the Scenes and Personal Updates

Towards the end, Kristin shares updates about her performances at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater and the Largo in Los Angeles, offering fans a glimpse into her creative endeavors.

Notable Quote:
"Happy to be here again."
— Kristin (41:57)

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with acknowledgments of sponsors, production team, and upcoming events, leaving listeners with a sense of warmth and anticipation for future episodes.

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Key Takeaways

• Embrace Imperfections: Recognizing and accepting that minor annoyances in relationships may signal deeper incompatibilities.
• Self-Care is Crucial: Managing stress, especially in parenting, requires intentional self-care and possibly professional support.
• Celebrate Your Passions: Whether it’s owning multiple cats or seeking a new hairstyle, embracing what brings joy is essential.
• Effective Communication: Addressing misunderstandings about one’s identity with confidence and creativity fosters respect and understanding.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• "When you really love someone, those things don't bother you." — Kristin (18:21)
• "It's an invitation to go, 'Oh, I need alone time.'" — Kristin (27:01)
• "Why stop? Why would you stop?" — Kristin (31:25)
• "Bangs can look really cool." — Stephanie (35:05)
• "That's my hersband, Sid." — Kristin (40:43)

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Final Thoughts

This encore episode of Don't Ask Tig offers a blend of humor, heartfelt stories, and practical advice, showcasing the dynamic and authentic relationship between Stephanie and Kristin. Whether navigating family mishaps or offering guidance on personal issues, their candid conversations provide a relatable and entertaining experience for listeners.

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Follow & Connect:
For more episodes and updates, visit Don't Ask Tig and follow them on social media platforms.

Transcript

[Tig Notaro]

Hershey's Milk Chocolate with Whole Almonds makes for a wholly amazing, wholly delicious experience that's, well holy Hershey's, everyone to get to experience the satisfying surprise of a whole almond tucked inside creamy Hershey's Chocolate. So don't wait your whole life to try Hershey's Milk Chocolate with Whole Almonds. And if you've already had it, then chances are you're already a lifelong fan of this confectionary delight. Find Hersey's Milk Chocolate with Whole Almonds wherever candy is sold.

[Stephanie Allen]

Hey Danas and Beckys, what you're about to hear is an encore presentation of one of our favorite episodes from the Don't Ask Tig archives. Please enjoy. My friends, not too long ago I asked for your thoughts on how you feel about growing older. Whether there's a certain age you've reached or are headed to that excites you or freaks you out. Well, we got a lot of great responses and I wanted to share a few of them with you. Kristin wrote Tig, like you, I have not yet hit the point where I am uncomfortable sharing my real age. I turn 40 this year and I think it is an accomplishment to reach this stage in life. However, on birthdays in the past, I have answered curious acquaintances who inquire about my age with a number seven to nine years older than I actually was. I don't know if they think I look great for 39, but I look fantastic for 47. Keep them guessing and keep having fun. I can certainly relate. I'm told often that I look younger on TV and film or from the stage. And then when people meet me up close, I've had the pleasure to hear over and over that I look younger from a distance. I think it's all funny. Keep them guessing and keep having fun. Kristen Jamini wrote hi Tig. My 64th birthday is in May and I can't wait to sing the Beatles song nonstop. Thanks for all the laughs. Oh my gosh, that is awesome. I don't know if I shared this on the show or if I did it in a comedy special or if I just told friends and family, but when I was a kid, I was so obsessed with the Beatles and I used to write out all of their lyrics, obsessively wrote out all of their lyrics. And I remember I wrote out the lyrics to when I'm 64 and my grandmother found that sheet of paper and she sat down and she thanked me and told me how touched she was about this poem or song that I had written for her And I had to take credit for a Lennon and McCartney tune. Thanks for reminding me of that song. I feel like I'm inching up pretty quickly, and I look forward to the day that I can sing it as well. Okay. I appreciate all of you who called and wrote in, including Tara, Abigail, Rebecca, Diane, Carla, Alex, Sharon, Jenny, and Kelly. Thank you for all the birthday wishes. And I have to say, in a funny twist, Stephanie and our kids and I, we got stuck in the Vegas airport on my birthday. And what seemed like hell on earth ended up being an oddly fun birthday. Our flight was canceled. We got rebooked three times, delayed speaker. We spent almost five hours in the airport lounge during March Madness. And our sons are so chatty and friendly. They made friends with everybody in the airport lounge bar while we were watching the basketball games. And Stephanie and I, we can't believe that that was my birthday and how fun it ended up being. So, anyway, just a few weeks in, I'm still very comfortable with being 52. I'm happy to be where I am. And also on April 20, I will be in Red Bank, New Jersey, April 21, Poughkeepsie, New York, Las Vegas, Nevada, on May 2, and Fayetteville, Arkansas, on June 23. And keep your eyes and ears peeled for the date that I will be taping my next standup special. I will be revealing that very soon. Go to tignotaro.com for all show links and ticket information. See you there. And now, on with the show. So, yeah, we went to bed after we had our little rounds of yelling at everybody and then saying goodnight. And then we get up in the morning. You know what?

[Kristin]

I didn't even tell you. You weren't even there for this part. This was like, a few days later. And I won't name who this was with, but I was kind of going on another little tirade about sexuality and fluidity and how everybody's kind of gay. And one person said, so you think I'm gay? And I go, yeah.

[Franklin Leonard]

We are not alone and nobody is hopeless. Everybody goes to sh. We got a friend in T. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

This is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro with so much advice I've had. Today's guest on Twice With Me now is Don't Ask, Tig's first ever returning guest. She's an actress, comedian, writer and director. You can see her in films like In A World, and TV shows like One Mississippi, Twin Peaks, and the L Word. Generation Q. There is no one I love more in this world than her and our two children and our three cats. Stephanie Allen, my wife. Welcome back to Don't Ask Tig.

[Kristin]

Thanks for having me.

[Stephanie Allen]

Stephanie, you are the first ever return guest on Don't Ask Tig. Your first episode came out September 23, 2020.

[Kristin]

Whoa.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

I don't even have a memory of it other than sitting in your office.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah, same.

[Kristin]

Like what?

[Stephanie Allen]

I know it happened.

[Kristin]

I couldn't tell you one thing that.

[Stephanie Allen]

Was said on that, nor can I. It is funny, I have to say, interviewing you.

[Kristin]

Well, that's what I was thinking when I asked you to text you before we got on, because I'm like, what.

[Stephanie Allen]

Would you ask me that we haven't already discussed in circles for 10 years? I guess. Fill in the listeners. What's been going on since September 23, 2020?

[Kristin]

Is that what you asked your guests? What have you been up to the past three years?

[Stephanie Allen]

Well, I mean, you're the return guest, so you have to fill in the blanks from three years ago.

[Kristin]

Well, we just got back from Mississippi. That's the most recent.

[Stephanie Allen]

Did you have a good time?

[Kristin]

Did you?

[Stephanie Allen]

I had a great time. You know, there's always some little bumps along the way when you're with family for a long time and extended family.

[Kristin]

We got into it a little more than usual on this trip with.

[Stephanie Allen]

I had one night of it. You had a night of it.

[Kristin]

I've been there now, like, 20 times since we've been together. Yeah, it's never happened. I'm very diplomatic. I'm very, you know, those situations. I'm not trying to, like, get into it or, like, get in a fight. And then this trip, you had a night of it, and I was completely silent watching you have that night. And then two nights later, we took turns.

[Stephanie Allen]

It was your turn.

[Kristin]

I lost it on everybody. And you sat there silently. And then we all said, well, good night.

[Stephanie Allen]

You actually stood up, yelled at everybody in the room and stormed out. Went upstairs, and I just got up from the couch, looked at everybody and said, good night and went upstairs. And you were lying in bed, and you were like, wow. And you said, I am sorry. And I was like, no. I said, you know, when you have your opposing views on religion or political views, and I guess that's why people say, don't talk about that stuff when you go home. And we hadn't for 10 years. And then this time, the world has changed so much.

[Kristin]

I have no threshold. It's right there. You say one thing. I'm like, ah. And also, I got into Bed that night I was so worked up and I didn't know what to do with myself. And I got on the ACLU's website and donated money to them at midnight.

[Stephanie Allen]

Well, you know, then something good came from that. Yeah, I would say it got a little more heated on our end, I have to say. Even if there are points in these discussions that my family don't understand or they don't agree on, and we're talking about close family to extended family, to people that my family is dating or married to. It ran the gamut of who was there when we were in town and yeah, late night, maybe people were having some drinks. It was a real tee up for this kind of situation. But regardless of what happened, the nice part is there was no vibe of like anybody was on edge the next morning or the rest of the time. Right. Would you agree?

[Kristin]

Yeah. When I, when we first met 10 years ago and we went. Would go there all the time and Obama was president and then gay marriage was legalized right before we got married down there. And we got married legally in Mississippi.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

And then when Hillary lost and the world shifted to a completely different place, it just. There's a completely different vibe not just down there in the country. Yeah, you can feel it.

[Stephanie Allen]

And conversations that maybe weren't being had and topics that weren't even on the table are being had.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

And so, yeah, that was our, that was our trip. But I, I did, I had a great time. Yeah.

[Kristin]

Yeah, I did too.

[Stephanie Allen]

So we're there for Cowboy Rick's funeral. That was very delayed. And we were at the graveyard and my brother said, well, I just have a few things to say. Just, it'll be quick. And so maybe I should go first. And I said, okay, I'll go after you and I'll talk. And then the priest was going to say something and my brother, again, our. Our family is all sitting there at the gravesite and my brother stands up in his suit, goes to talk, say some words about our stepfather who raised us since we were two. And there's this green Astroturf covering the grave. And my brother stepped into it and he fell into the grave. He fell into our stepfather's grave. Grave. They were supposed to put plywood under the. The Astroturf and they forgot to. And so everybody lunges forward going, oh, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Oh, God. And. And there is my brother falling into a grave. Everybody was stunned. He's. I'm okay. He's pulling himself out of Rick's grave and he's got Dirt all over his suit. And then, of course, there was the moments of laughter and biting your lip. And then he goes on to speak, and he's dusting himself. I mean, and I was sitting there thinking, is this really happening? As I was watching my brother fall into Rick's cream. And then I thought, this must happen all the time. And then I thought, of course this doesn't happen all the time. And then I thought, well, now I have new material.

[Kristin]

Can I tell the story about the other problem that graveyard has with your family?

[Stephanie Allen]

Yes. So there's endless graveyard stories. I mean, we could go into my father's burial.

[Kristin]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

All in Mississippi, but go ahead.

[Kristin]

Four years ago, a very close family member passed away very sadly.

[Stephanie Allen]

And somebody so dear to us.

[Kristin]

Yeah. And she was buried in the graveyard in her family's plot. And Tig's cousin the other night was like, oh, Stephanie. After we were talking about what happened with her brother falling in the grave, and he was like, well, you know, we got another problem in that. You know, I don't know if you heard, but they accidentally buried another woman in my plot, and it was supposed to be buried with his wife. They have a plot side by side. And the graveyard had another funeral of another person who died, named Ethel, who is now lying in his plot next to his wife. And that family doesn't want to move her.

[Stephanie Allen]

Move Ethel.

[Kristin]

Because she's buried. And they had a funeral. And so the graveyard offered six family a larger plot, discounted on the other side of the graveyard. And so her cousin Jimmy goes. So we took that deal. So we're gonna have to. We're gonna have to move her. So she's gonna be moving. They're planning on doing this where they have to dig up her grave and move her across the graveyard.

[Stephanie Allen]

That's right. And just because I already mentioned it, I will quickly say that when my father died, he didn't have a lot of money and nor did he really want much for himself. When he died, we had him cremated. That was my treat. And this was just that thing of, again, welcome to the family, Stephanie. My family members and their overalls and their tractors and what have you, we all get together for my father's memorial. My cousin, a different cousin of mine, grabs a shovel. We all head over to the graveyard. My father does not have a plot.

[Kristin]

Which we didn't know. We got there thinking we were going to a funeral. Yeah. Everybody to the cremation.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

And then all of a sudden, we're kind of, like, meeting at the house. And everyone's like, let's head over to the graveyard. And they start grabbing shovels.

[Stephanie Allen]

My cousin, who is in overalls.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

Carrying a shovel. We go over and a hole is dug on another relative's grave site. And my father's ashes not only blew out of the bag, which was a Ziploc, they were placed in a straw hat and buried in a hole on somebody else's grave. The end. None of this is made up. None of this is exaggerated. And all of this would never happen in Stephanie's family.

[Kristin]

Those ashes got blown on some guests.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yes.

[Kristin]

With my family. Just to give a little juxtaposition.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

My mom has her parents ashes and she's been probably planning a funeral for 30 years and is really into feng shui. And she keeps the ashes in the helpful people section of her house.

[Stephanie Allen]

There's no feng shui in any of my relatives homes in Mississippi or Louisiana.

[Kristin]

This morning, our son Finn, he goes, Man, Louisiana and Mississippi. It's a wild place. He's 6.

[Stephanie Allen]

But they loved it. They had so much fun. It's just there's so much chaos. It's that comforting, fun feeling that we talked about where you hear the entire house just full of people talking, laughing, outside inside, spilling out everywhere.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

They had so much fun. Okay, Stephanie, so that's what you've been up to.

[Kristin]

That's the past week I didn't get. In the last three years.

[Stephanie Allen]

There's been a lot. We have full lives, I would say.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

Now, Stephanie, you know what you're here to do. And the time has come to give some of my listeners advice.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

Our first question is about a familiar subject for us. Love. Emily writes, I am 30 years old and have been perpetually single for 10 years. I go on a lot of dates with a lot of different men and women, but none of them ever felt like my person. There is always something about them that bothers me too much. From big important stuff to small, shallow things. It might be that they are very insecure and can't make decisions. Or it could be that their posture is terrible or teeth are bad. But there's always something. Normally I see someone three or four times and then call it. As I get older, I'm starting to wonder if at this point I'm just being picky. Should I maybe try spending more of my time with someone in the hopes that a little annoying thing stops bothering me?

[Kristin]

I feel like if that many things are bothering you out of the gate, it's only going to get worse. And I feel like when you really love someone and connect with someone, those things don't bother you. So if they do certain things that you maybe thought would really drive you crazy, you're like, oh, they don't sit up straight.

[Stephanie Allen]

Aww, how cute.

[Kristin]

And then you can kind of have those discussions or work on things, but you don't. You're not looking at them repulsed. Like, get me out of here. So I feel like when you have those really early on, that's probably not the person for you.

[Stephanie Allen]

No doubt. It seems like in the beginning of a relationship, you should be so blinded by love, and then you notice that they don't sit up straight a couple of years in. And I do also think there might be something in you that's saying that you're not ready for a relationship if everybody you're going out with is problematic, because if it is that you're being too critical, then I really do think that that's a barrier you're putting up subconsciously. And so maybe you're not ready for a relationship, and there's nothing wrong with that. Were you gonna say something or maybe.

[Kristin]

Don'T know exactly what you're looking for? You know, because prior to being with you, I had a lot of that with people, and I thought I, you know, just sort of valued my alone time and realized, oh, I was actually just needing to be with a woman.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. This particular one, Emily, it might take some time to find your person, but when you find them, you will know. And people would always say that to me. And I was like, but how do you know? You know, like, it just. I didn't understand. And then when I met Stephanie, I was like, oh, this is that thing. You don't have to question it.

[Kristin]

And everything seems easy.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

You naturally do really huge things without, like, getting married or having kids or traveling without it feeling like, okay, I'm doing this. See how this goes?

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. I always use the example of when we got together and you told me you wanted five children. I had never thought of five children. I thought I would have one. And then when you said five, I thought, oh, five. Okay, that sounds fun with you. And of course, when we had twins, we were like, this will do. But I do think that, as we said, it'll feel right, it'll feel easy. But that doesn't mean it's not gonna be challenging and difficult along the way and years down the road, because obviously, we've had that as well and will continue to. But I think that we have a much better understanding that that just doesn't go away. Yeah, the bumps as you roll down the road. So best of luck. Emily, Stephanie, let's pause for a break and then we'll be back to listener questions.

[Tig Notaro]

Hershey's Milk Chocolate with Whole Almonds makes for a wholly amazing, wholly delicious experience that's, well, Holy Hershey's, everyone. To get to experience the satisfying surprise of a whole almond tucked inside creamy Hershey's chocolate. So don't wait your whole life to try Hershey's Milk Chocolate with whole almonds. And if you've already had it, then chances are you're already a lifelong fan of this confectionary delight. Find Hershey's Milk Chocolate with whole almonds wherever candy is sold.

[Kristin]

I'm Franklin Leonard, founder of the Blacklist.

[Tig Notaro]

We know what makes a good screenplay, but when it comes to what makes a blockbuster or a box office bomb, the truth is nobody knows anything.

[Stephanie Allen]

Including our star panel of podcast guests.

[Franklin Leonard]

I was told this was a quiz program. Yeah, I just so you know, I just said it would be ripping Podcast.

[Tig Notaro]

Nobody Knows Anything, presented by fx.

[Kristin]

Find it wherever you get your podcasts.

[Stephanie Allen]

And we're back. Stephanie. This next question comes to us all the way from Tokyo. Jess writes. Dear Tig, I have three kids under the age of six. It is hectic and stressful, but they are wonderful, super kids. The problem is myself. I have become a yeller. I never yelled or even felt angry before having kids. And my own parents also never once raised their voices at me and my sister growing up. Yet now I am constantly blowing up and yelling. I feel the absolute worst shame and guilt about yelling at my kids when it's not warranted. But no matter what I have tried, I am unable to stop. What would you suggest to change? That's. That's tough.

[Kristin]

That's also fascinating because to just have it come up in you when you didn't have it before and you didn't grow up with it.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah, I imagine it's tough to find that out because you hear that when you have kids. It's similarly to falling in love or getting married, being in a relationship. You see new things about yourself. Yeah, you learn about yourself and then your kids come along and you learn more things about yourself. And sometimes they're great things and sometimes they're terrible things.

[Kristin]

We were just talking about this, so somebody commented on how you and I don't really yell. And she's like, how do you not yell at your kids? And especially for you, you can just be like, okay, we're not doing that right Now I need you all to stop. And she was like, they just listen to you. It's just interesting because I feel like with kids, if you yell or you don't yell or it doesn't really make a difference. They kind of do what they're going to do. But it's interesting that that's coming up in her and she can't control it and doesn't want to be doing it and is doing it. That, I think is the interesting part, because it feels like she could actually work on it.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. I wonder if she has a therapist, because I wonder if there's some layers underneath that she's not been connected to before. And yelling there might also be some fear.

[Kristin]

Well, it's also temperament, because to have that many kids that young, it's like she's probably never been in those situations before where that many people young are, like, putting all of their energy on her. I think that could easily break a person. I used to feel like that with our kids where we'd go to restaurants and there was times when they were like two years old where it would be pretty controlled. I wasn't screaming, but I was like, I gotta get out of here and I'm never coming to a restaurant again until they're four. And then there's other people that can kind of just sit in the chaos and the screaming and they can, you.

[Stephanie Allen]

Know, they can ruin everybody else's time at the restaurant.

[Kristin]

They can be on an airplane and just be like, well, you know, sorry, it's a two year old screaming.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

And then I think other people are like, oh, my God, that's really driving me crazy.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. I wonder if there's a way to somehow alleviate the stress that's coming over as well. Like if there's, I don't know, play dates. I feel like that really can take some pressure off of everybody when the kids are getting together with others and it's not all focused on you.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

But I think it also goes back to why is she yelling?

[Kristin]

Yeah. It feels like there must be a larger feeling there of that probably can be worked on.

[Stephanie Allen]

Well, Jess, we appreciate your honesty and your willingness to work on it. The show is called Don't Ask Tig. We don't know what we're talking about, but it feels like something where you might have to talk to a professional about it.

[Kristin]

Oh, you know what? That just reminded me because I relate to this part of it of, like, when you have those feelings where you're, like, going to lose it, that it's an Invitation to go, oh, I need alone time. I need a second. I need to remove myself. I can't keep going here. And I think it's really hard for people to take that, to remove themselves. We've talked about this a lot where you feel like you shouldn't have to. You feel like you should do everything, get in there, figure it out and just be miserable. And then that might cause you to be angry as opposed to in that moment when she's about to yell. It's like, okay, you have to. It's a moment for self care.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

And that, that's okay. To give yourself that gift for sure.

[Stephanie Allen]

And hopefully Jess has the ability. I don't know if Jess has a partner or spouse or family around, but if you do, it is a good ide to take that time for yourself. And once you collect your feelings and emotions, you can pop back into life, interacting with your kids. Okay. Hope that helps Jess. We're going to take a quick break to answer a question that came in our therapy etiquette inbox. This segment is where we answer those awkward questions we all have as people getting the professional help we need and deserve, and is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month we wanted to highlight another popular question that we've gotten from a few of you around encouraging a loved one to start therapy. The question is, I'm in therapy and I really think my partnerparent best friend also needs to be in therapy for their mental health. But I'm afraid to talk to them about it because they may get defensive. Any advice? I'm proud of a lot of our listeners for getting what they deserve. A therapist. You deserve one, I deserve one. Everybody deserves a person dedicated to your mental health, but we all know that it's an uphill climb to get there. A lot of you ask, how can I encourage a friend or family member to go. It seems like a lot of us are concerned about approaching a loved one, about therapy because it could be seen as judgy or that we're telling people that they have problems that need to be solved. But I trust that you can think of ways of framing your encouragement that are empowering, not judgmental. Like, hey, friend, you've been through a lot and I think you deserve a place dedicated to your own healing. Or, hey, you're always so attuned and articulate with your own emotions and I actually think you'd be amazing in therapy because of that. I wonder if your own therapist has some guidance for you all here, especially because we're talking about relationships between you and your loved ones, which are complex. And I bet there's something there that you could use help processing, too. Ultimately, the choice to go to therapy and trust in the process is an individual one. It makes sense to want to see a loved one thrive in therapy, but they need to buy in for it to work. As always, thank you to our therapy etiquette sponsor, BetterHelp. If you have any questions about the unspoken rules of therapy etiquette, share them with us by calling 833-275-8444 or visiting dontasktig.org/contact. Now, let's get back to the show. Stephanie. Our home is known as Kitty City, which I guess makes us co mayors. This next question came to us from a fellow cat lover. Libby writes, I like cats. How many cats can I own? Before it gets weird, I say go for it. We have three, and I want a fourth. I had 12 as a kid.

[Kristin]

I think you would just keep going.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

Would you ever stop?

[Stephanie Allen]

Why stop? Why would you stop? Why should Libby stop? Yeah, if the kitties are being fed and getting attention, I think if you.

[Kristin]

Can manage the cleanliness. I feel like you can only have so many cats on you at a time, and then one starts to feel left out.

[Stephanie Allen]

No, it's worth the struggle if you're gonna have a lot of cats. I think it's good to have outdoor cats if you're in an area that's safe to have cats outside. Because when I was in Texas as a kid, that's when we had 12 cats. Two of them lived inside, but, man, there was nothing better than playing in the backyard and having all these kitties running around. Are you kidding me? And right now, when I'm visiting my friend here in Texas, every walk we take, there's just kitties everywhere on rooftops and windows, window sills on the outside of the house. And she was teasing me because I the whole time I'm stopping and taking pictures of these cats and videos of cats walking along fences and on rooftops. They're everywhere. It's heavenly. Libby, don't be ridiculous.

[Kristin]

Go for it.

[Stephanie Allen]

Keep going. Yeah. We're the co mayors of Kitty City, so.

[Kristin]

And we spend a good amount of the week sending each other cat videos.

[Stephanie Allen]

Even in the same house. I don't even have to be out of town or on tour or working. We could be in the same house and sending each other pictures of our cats.

[Kristin]

No, I'm video. I'm talking about even, like, online, like funny or cute.

[Stephanie Allen]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, My gosh.

[Kristin]

Thing we do, where you'll be, like, brushing your teeth or something, or I'll be brushing mine, and you're like, come here. It's worth it. It's worth it. And we will both say, it's worth it. And we'll stop what we're doing just to go look at whatever cute thing.

[Stephanie Allen]

Is happening in our house. Yeah, that's the line, Stephanie. It's worth it. And then that is when you know the cat is doing something that could end at any second. You need to get up now and go, it's worth it.

[Kristin]

And it's always the same thing.

[Stephanie Allen]

Just, like, sprawled out, curled up in a ball, or sprawled out.

[Kristin]

Or just, look, she's in the sun.

[Stephanie Allen]

Oh, look, she's batting that little thing. All right, Stephanie, our last listener question is about style. Laura writes, tig, I need a new haircut. You obviously can't see my hair, but it's so dull. I'll describe it to you. Brown, long, middle part, same length. I'm a girl, by the way. It's not that deep. But I need a change in my life. Only problem is that I've never had a drastic haircut I didn't regret. So should I dye it pink? Should I wear a fringe? Should I shave it all off? Should I care this much about hair? Whatever you tell me to do, I'll do it.

[Kristin]

Whoa.

[Stephanie Allen]

Okay. I say don't diet pink. I don't know what a fringe is. Do you, Stephanie? Oh, bangs. Oh, that's a fringe, I guess. So should she get bangs that seems. You know what that seems like that would be the easiest change.

[Kristin]

Yeah, but that. I feel like I need to see what she looks like.

[Stephanie Allen]

Okay.

[Kristin]

Because people really regret bangs, or they get them and they think they've never looked better in their life.

[Stephanie Allen]

Huh. Bangs can look really cool.

[Kristin]

Yeah. Yeah. Did she preface this by saying that she really wanted a change in her life or she's just bored by her hair?

[Stephanie Allen]

She said, I need a change in my life. She actually said that?

[Kristin]

That's what I thought.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

This is probably not very fun advice, but I feel like, you know, you could start with layers, and then you could do, like, see how that feels. Then you could start with, like, longer bangs. See if you're okay. Like, go in stages.

[Stephanie Allen]

Well, that's what I'm saying is there's so many different kinds of bangs. If you get the right bangs, they could fall nicely.

[Kristin]

Yeah, but if she's like, I want a huge change in my life, and she's saying, Shave her head.

[Stephanie Allen]

What about pigtails?

[Kristin]

She can specify good or bad changes.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. That's like surprises. I always say they're not necessarily always good. I wouldn't say shave it all off, but you're right, it would help to see this person. Yeah.

[Kristin]

Because maybe it would look really cool shaved off.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. Should I care this much about hair? I say, yeah, you should. I, even though I look like I just rolled out of bed, and half the time I have, I care so much about my hair.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

Stephanie cares so much about her hair. It's so important to me. But I do feel like if you've never had bangs, it's a place to start.

[Kristin]

Yeah. Or hair color.

[Stephanie Allen]

What color?

[Kristin]

Blonde. What if she, like, went blonde? All right, if you had dark hair and you dyed it blonde and you got bangs, you would feel a massive change in your life.

[Stephanie Allen]

And pigtails, and then put them in pigtails. Is it piggy tails? Do they call them that, too? Piggy tails.

[Kristin]

I never heard that.

[Stephanie Allen]

I have piggy tails. That's a better way to say it. Piggy tails.

[Kristin]

It's all bad. Pigtails or piggy tails.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

Why did they say pig? They don't have two things anywhere.

[Stephanie Allen]

That's true. They don't have two things anywhere. They have ears.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

They have cloven hooves.

[Kristin]

Is a pigtail referring to a pig's teeth, Tail, and then you just have two of them?

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah, I guess so. Well, and I bet that it came from also curling them. You know, you probably curled them in with a curling iron or. Or something.

[Kristin]

That is so weird and gross that somebody was doing somebody's hair and was like, look at that. Pigtail.

[Stephanie Allen]

Right.

[Kristin]

Would you like a pigtail? And then you curl it, and they're like, that's so cute.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. Dye your hair blonde, get bangs and have one pigtail. And why can't the back of your head be one? Piggy tail?

[Kristin]

That's a ponytail.

[Stephanie Allen]

I know.

[Kristin]

The pony got that one.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

Named after tails.

[Stephanie Allen]

Clearly, this all came from the farm during, like, pioneer times.

[Kristin]

No other reference point.

[Stephanie Allen]

All right, Laura. This isn't quite a name that thing, but our advice to you is legally binding. Please send in a photo of yourself with your new haircut. Stephanie. Our last segment is called Come Back To Me Later. Back to Me. Come Back To Me Later. Everyone wishes they had the perfect response at the ready for certain social interactions. Come Back To Me later is the part of the show where we make that wish come true. This request comes to us from Sid. Sid writes, hey, Tig, my wife And I recently had a baby and she's wonderful. I carried her in feminine presenting. And often when we're out in the world, people just assume that my partner is a man. They refer to my husband when they ask questions. I'm looking for something funny or good to say to them when I let them know our baby's second parent is my wife, not my husband. I would love your thoughts and Stephanie's too. What have you two said or done in this situation? I mean, I just have my go to of I just say, oh, I'm female.

[Kristin]

That's what I was going to say is you always very directly say I'm female. And there's no other follow up. And then it lingers and then the person apologizes.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah. But then there have been times which I talked about in my standup, the happy to be here special. I talk about how when somebody misgenders me, I misgender them in response.

[Kristin]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

Where they'll say, sir, could I get your coat? And if it's a woman, I'll say, no, sir. No, thank you, sir. So those are my two things. Do you have any ideas, Stephanie?

[Kristin]

Yeah. I mean, I'm so used to you. Every time it happens, I know for sure you're going to say that. And so I'm trying to think of like, what is another way to do it. And you know, it's like those moments are so tricky because nobody's trying to offend anybody. It's just that sort of like when they're in the world of assumptions and just firing off.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

I don't. I don't know what she could say or like, what would you want me to say if you weren't to say anything?

[Stephanie Allen]

I guess I don't want you to say anything. Yeah, I guess I don't need you to. But I think it's nice that Sid is looking out for her wife.

[Kristin]

Yeah. If it's a joke or not, I do think it's important to correct the person. And because I think people really walk away from that moment going, oh, God, I'm not gonna do that again.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah.

[Kristin]

You also used to say hersband.

[Stephanie Allen]

Yeah, hersband. Oh, that's my hersband. Yeah, I guess you could say that.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

That's not my husband. That's my hersband, Sid. That's what we think. And a warm welcome to the newest member of your family. Stephanie. That's the end of the show. Thanks for joining me. Did you have a good time?

[Kristin]

I had a great time.

[Stephanie Allen]

Did you?

[Kristin]

Yeah, I did.

[Stephanie Allen]

Oh, Good.

[Kristin]

Did you?

[Stephanie Allen]

I did. Is there anything that you would like to mention or talk about before you go?

[Kristin]

Well, if you're in Los Angeles, I do a show at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater called Pretty Darn Queer once a month.

[Stephanie Allen]

And what about your show with Mae?

[Kristin]

Yeah, I often perform in May Martin and Friends at Largo in May's show. Pretty much around Los Angeles.

[Stephanie Allen]

Great. Well, we should get together and have dinner sometimes. Thank you again for taking time to do the show and be my first repeat guest on Don't Ask Tig.

[Kristin]

Happy to be here again.

[Stephanie Allen]

Still.

[Kristin]

Still.

[Stephanie Allen]

All right, well, I guess we'll. We'll log off here and then continue texting and calling each other all day.

[Kristin]

Okay.

[Stephanie Allen]

All right. Well, I love you.

[Kristin]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Allen]

And I'll. I'll talk to you. See you soon. Bye. Bye.

[Kristin]

Okay. Goodbye.

[Stephanie Allen]

And now that the show is over, go to don't asktig.org live to sign up for our special virtual event with Mark Maron on April 24 at 6pm Pacific Time, 9pm Eastern and 8pm Central. For more information, head to don't ask tig.orglive and donate $15 or more to attend. Again, Don't Ask Tig Live with Marc Maron is happening April 24 at 6pm Pacific Time. Head to don't asktig.orglive. looking forward to seeing you all there.

[Franklin Leonard]

There'S so much I want you to see I wish that I could give you the answers I wish that I could make you believe I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is.

[Stephanie Allen]

Don't Ask Tig is hosted by me, Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas Willette and Shayna Deloria. Our executive producer and editor is Beth Pearlman. Engineering and sound mixing by Alex Simpson. Digital production by James Napoli. Talent booking by Marianne Ways. Production support from Maria Wuertell. Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Brickell and Kyle Krusham. And listen to your heart by Edie Brickell. Special thanks to Hunter Seidman, APM Studios. Executives in charge are Chandra Kavadi, Alex Shaffert and Joanne Griffith. Concept developed by Tracy Mumford. Our executive consultant is Dean Captain and Gobsmack Studios. You can always ask for advice@don't asktig.org just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo. Remember to follow us on social media at Don't Ask Tig. Don't Ask Tig is a production of American Public Media. And as always, thanks, Dana. And I'll tell Becky.

[Franklin Leonard]

That's what your heart is for. That's what your heart is for. Listen to your heart.

[Stephanie Allen]

The Sold a Story podcast is about how teaching kids to read went wrong. But now we have a story about a school district where things are going very right.

[Kristin]

Let me make sure my friends are sitting crisscross applesauce, hands in their lap. I've never had a child that couldn't read.

[Stephanie Allen]

How did they do it? When I tell some of my other colleagues that may be at other schools that this is what I do, and they would say, you kidding me? New episodes of Sold a Story are available now in your podcast. Apparently.