[encore] Stephen Colbert

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Don't Ask Tig" – [Encore] Stephen Colbert
Release Date: December 11, 2024
Host: Tig Notaro
Guest: Stephen Colbert
Produced by: American Public Media

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Introduction

In this special holiday encore episode of "Don't Ask Tig," Tig Notaro welcomes none other than the renowned comedian and television host, Stephen Colbert. The episode promises a blend of humor, heartfelt conversation, and unique advice, staying true to the podcast's premise of tackling life's myriad challenges with Tig's inexpert guidance, complemented by expert insights and celebrity guests.

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Casual Chit-Chat and Personal Anecdotes (00:00 – 12:33)

The episode kicks off with Tig Notaro setting the stage for the encore presentation, warmly introducing Stephen Colbert as a special guest for the holiday episode.

Highlight Quotes:

• Tig Notaro (00:27): "I have a heart out in five minutes, Stephen."
• Stephen Colbert (01:53): "I am very excited. I am so happy to be on your podcast. I really am."

Tig shares her excitement about hosting Stephen, reminiscing about their first meeting on the train ride back from Washington D.C. Stephen recounts the memorable journey, highlighting their shared moments, including watching his son's open mic performance together.

Notable Interaction:

• Stephen Colbert (03:19 – 04:00): Describes the electrifying experience of meeting Tig on the empty train car and their ensuing conversation.
• Tig Notaro (05:00 – 05:06): "And I'm a bit of a germaphobe. And it really cemented how fond of you I was."

The duo delves into light-hearted banter about holiday traditions, personal anecdotes about their families, and humorous exchanges about their experiences, such as Stephen's reflections on hosting a large Thanksgiving gathering and Tig's playful interactions with Stephen.

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Listener Questions and Holiday Advice (12:33 – 20:02)

Transitioning into the core segment, Tig introduces listener questions aimed at tackling holiday dilemmas. The first question from Rochelle addresses the challenge of hosting Thanksgiving with family members who have become difficult post-COVID.

Rochelle’s Question (12:59): "Hey, Tig, I don't know what to do about the holidays. Our family is great, but they're a little angry and bitter and Covid has just made them a little bit unbearable. We usually host Thanksgiving in our house, and they're not the funnest people to be around right now. I don't know what to do. Do we change our plans? Do we still host Thanksgiving? I have no idea. Help."

Advice Provided:

• Tig Notaro (13:44 – 14:30): Suggests using COVID as a safe excuse to alter holiday plans, emphasizing the importance of celebrating in ways that prioritize personal well-being.

  • "Because of COVID, you're going to spend this year apart. And I think that whether it's this year or any other year, I feel like it's important to allow yourself times and holidays and celebrations where you really can celebrate and you don't always have to bring in your family or your friends."

• Stephen Colbert (14:30 – 15:18): Recommends maintaining holiday traditions virtually, such as Zooming in for parts of the celebration and focusing on the culinary aspects.

  • "Let's maybe we zoom in for cocktails at the beginning or whatever you do beforehand, like the cooking and what are you having? And, oh, that pie looks fantastic, and you have the best gravy."

Their collaborative advice offers practical solutions for maintaining holiday spirit while navigating familial tensions, blending Tig's straightforward approach with Stephen's creative suggestions.

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"I Don't Gift a Shit" Game: Rapid-Fire Gift Suggestions (23:07 – 27:43)

In a playful and humorous segment, Tig and Stephen engage in the "I Don't Gift a Shit" game, where they provide quick gift ideas based on listeners' profiles. Each listener submits their name, age, and a unique interest, prompting Tig and Stephen to come up with offbeat and comedic gift suggestions.

Examples:

1. Randall (75) – Only Eats Cereal from One Bowl (24:02 – 25:00):

   • Stephen Colbert: "A gift certificate to one of those paint your own pottery places and he can make his own bowl."

2. Alex (26) – Music Teacher and Tuba Player (24:19 – 24:42):

   • Stephen Colbert: "A euphonium, which is like a tuba, but it's smaller and not as loud, but the same. It has the same fingering, if you'll pardon the expression."

3. Stella (4) – Wants to Marry the Color Pink (24:47 – 25:00):

   • Stephen Colbert: Suggests a cotton candy machine tailored for children, adding a nostalgic touch with his own childhood experience.

4. AJ (65) – Gets Hurt Doing Activities He's Too Old For (25:58 – 27:43):

   • Tig Notaro: Recommends a three-wheel bike with big wheels and a basket.
   • Stephen Colbert: Proposes a fan boat for low-impact water fun, leading to a humorous exchange about water skiing in gator-infested swamps.

This segment showcases the hosts' quick wit and chemistry, providing entertainment while playfully addressing the challenge of finding the "perfect" gift.

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Final Heartfelt Advice: Navigating Difficult Holidays (32:09 – 37:19)

As the episode progresses, Tig and Stephen address more profound listener concerns. A poignant question from Regan touches on the overwhelming nature of Christmas festivities and the desire to find a balance between sharing love and avoiding burnout.

Regan’s Question (28:24): "Regan writes, soon I will succumb to what I've begun to refer to as the Christmas crazies. And just because you can't see this, I want to let you know Christmas and crazies are spelled with K's. That's how nutso. Okay. Each year it gets a little worse. Last year I made a gift list in October with mostly handmade gifts. I spent a lot of time and money trying to recreate the lovely spirit I felt as a child. On the outset, I still felt a little empty and pretty exhausted. This year I want a different approach. How do I share love and warmth and special seasonal spirit without spreading myself so thin?"

Advice Provided:

• Stephen Colbert (29:16 – 30:04): Encourages simplicity by suggesting heartfelt letters instead of elaborate gifts, attaching small treats, or making charitable donations.

  • "Maybe instead of like trying to recreate like handmade gifts or everything, why don't you write a letter to the people that you're giving? You would be killing yourself to make these presents for."

• Tig Notaro (30:18 – 31:05): Supports Stephen's suggestions, encouraging Regan to personalize her approach to the holidays.

  • "Maybe if you do write the letter, sign the letter saying, watch out for gators this Christmas."

The hosts' compassionate dialogue emphasizes the importance of meaningful connections over materialism, providing listeners with relatable and actionable advice for maintaining holiday joy without personal exhaustion.

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Closing Thoughts and Acknowledgements (37:19 – 40:38)

As the episode nears its end, Tig and Stephen share closing remarks that blend humor with genuine empathy. They acknowledge that while the holidays can be joyous, they can also be challenging for many, especially those dealing with loss or loneliness.

Key Points:

• Stephen Colbert (33:36 – 35:46): Offers a heartfelt message about not being alone and finding hope amidst sadness, touching upon personal experiences with tragedy and the enduring beauty of life.

  • "Don't lose hope. There is something on the other side of it."

• Tig Notaro (35:46 – 36:38): Echoes Stephen's sentiments, emphasizing trust in life through its unpredictable journeys.

  • "I have really tried in the hardest and darkest moments to trust. Like you're saying that there is something more, there is something better."

Their exchange provides solace and encouragement to listeners who may be facing difficult times during the holidays, reinforcing the podcast's supportive and inclusive ethos.

Final Interactions:

• Humorous Banter: They continue to blend light-hearted jokes with sincere conversations, maintaining the podcast's signature balance between humor and heart.
  • Stephen Colbert (36:38 – 37:19): Engages in playful dialogue about religious references and cotton candy, adding levity to the closing moments.

The episode concludes with acknowledgments to the production team and a brief promotion for Tig and Cheryl’s new podcast, "Tig and Cheryl True Story," ensuring a smooth transition out of the main content.

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Conclusion

This encore episode of "Don't Ask Tig" featuring Stephen Colbert masterfully combines humor, personal anecdotes, and heartfelt advice, providing listeners with both entertainment and meaningful insights. Whether navigating familial challenges during the holidays or seeking the perfect gift, Tig and Stephen offer relatable and practical guidance, all the while reinforcing the podcast's supportive community spirit.

Notable Quotes Recap:

• Tig Notaro (00:27): "I have a heart out in five minutes, Stephen."
• Stephen Colbert (01:53): "I am very excited. I am so happy to be on your podcast. I really am."
• Stephen Colbert (14:30): "Let's maybe we zoom in for cocktails at the beginning or whatever you do beforehand..."
• Stephen Colbert (29:16): "Maybe instead of like trying to recreate like handmade gifts..."
• Stephen Colbert (33:36): "Don't lose hope. There is something on the other side of it."

Listeners who enjoy engaging conversations that blend humor with genuine support will find this episode both entertaining and uplifting, embodying the essence of "Don't Ask Tig."

Transcript

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, Danas and Becky's. What you're about to hear is an encore presentation of one of our favorite episodes from the Don't Ask Tig archives. Please enjoy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let me see. Open Bluetooth preferences. There is no technology that is both as good and as disappointing as Bluetooth. Okay, I'm going to lose that. Yeah, forget that device. Now, let's try this bad boy again.

[Tig Notaro]

I have a heart out in five minutes, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I'll talk, and then later you can insert questions to justify my pearls of Winston.

[Tig Notaro]

This is Don't Ask Tig. I'm Tig Notaro asking you to stop ignoring the title of this podcast.

[Stephen Colbert]

We are Not Alone and Nobody is Hopeless. Everybody goes to be out of t. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Stephen Colbert is here for a very special holiday episode of Don't Ask Tig. Stephen, the. Hi.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hello. Hi.

[Tig Notaro]

I forgot to say hi to you.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's all right.

[Tig Notaro]

And I just want to tell you that when I was getting ready for this podcast, and I mean get ready, I took a shower and changed my clothes, and I did that for. For you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, good.

[Tig Notaro]

And I know I look absolutely no different than I normally do, but I want you to know that I know with every fiber of my being that at your house, there was a vibe of, oh, shoot, I forgot. I told Tig I do our podcast tonight. Whereas at my house, I was like, oh, my gosh, I have Stephen Colbert on my podcast.

[Stephen Colbert]

I am very excited. I am so happy to be on your podcast. I really am. It's always lovely to talk to you. It does not change the fact that I came home and said to my wife, Evie, I just need to grab a quick drink and a handful of nuts because I'm doing the Tigs podcast. She went, oh, is that tonight? I said. I said, I told you this morning. I told her this morning when I came home. I have to immediately disappear as soon as I walk in, because I'm going to go to my office and do the thing. And she goes, okay, see you in an hour.

[Tig Notaro]

See, I told you. I knew that the split screen of our houses were very. I knew it was very different what.

[Stephen Colbert]

Was going on, but I'm all in. I just want you to know I.

[Tig Notaro]

Appreciate that, and I'm thrilled to have you. And, you know, I have to say, there's certain people that I absolutely fall in love with comedically. And I mean deeply in love. And you are one. And I knew I loved you from afar watching your shows, but to interact with you in person the first time that I did. It was utterly electrifying for me. And I feel like I was giddy.

[Stephen Colbert]

But I want to say that you, madam, hide your giddiness well.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you couldn't tell that I loved interacting with you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I loved it, too. For the people out there who don't know, can I briefly tell them what happened?

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, sure.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is that I had. I forgot what I had done. I interviewed someone in D.C. for the day. I'd gone down there to do one of my interviews, and I was. I got on the train that night. It was the last out of D.C. back to New York. And the entire car that I was seated in was empty.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Except one seat had one person sitting in it. And I looked at my ticket and went, that is. They literally have me, like, seated next to this person, walk up, and I look to see who it is, and I went, hi, Tig.

[Tig Notaro]

No, no. I said, Mr. Colbert, you didn't see me. I was watching you settle in, and I was thinking the same thing of, like, are you kidding me? This entire empty train, and this guy is gonna, like, a nerd go sit in his designated seat. And I look over and I'm like, Mr. Colbert. And then you sat down.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I was happy to see you. I was happy to see you.

[Tig Notaro]

I was happy to see you. But that wasn't the first time I interacted with you. I mean, like, on your talk show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, we had talked before. Yeah. No, I really enjoyed it. But I will say this. You have to admit, that train ride was three and a half hours of pretty darn good conversation, at the end of which I couldn't believe we'd already gotten to New York.

[Tig Notaro]

No, absolutely. And I feel like you were showing me, and I think it might have been your son's video of his very first open mic. Or was it not his very first open mic?

[Stephen Colbert]

I think it was just an open mic. I don't know if it was his.

[Tig Notaro]

First, but he probably tried to make it more special.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, he was playing guitar and singing like, Fleet Foxes or something like that.

[Tig Notaro]

And I'm a bit of a germaphobe. And it really cemented how fond of you I was. Because you pulled your earbud out and shared it with me. You're filthy. Earbud. And I, without hesitation, put it into my ear. And you sat with one in your ear, and there was one in mine. And we watched your son at his open mic.

[Stephen Colbert]

What I want you to know is that the earbud I gave you was not filthy, because I'm deaf. In my. No, I'm deaf in my right ear, and I never wear an earbud in my right ear.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, you caught me. But it still really pushed my comfort level because I couldn't see that earbud start to finish in its day, you know?

[Stephen Colbert]

So the ear, if I ever wear it only in my ear, I promise you that.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Okay. That's good to know. That's good to know. Well, I just. All of that. That I just told you, I just wanted to tell you that essentially, you make me want to catcall your brain. I just. I just love you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I want you to know my. My brain is willing to shake them up and put them on the glass.

[Tig Notaro]

Hey, shake it, don't break it. You know?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's right.

[Tig Notaro]

When people. When I say that to people and they really shake it, my favorite bit is to immediately say, careful, careful, you're going to break it. I've written better stuff, but it's. It's fun for me.

[Stephen Colbert]

But it's the delivery.

[Tig Notaro]

It's not even that. I don't even think the delivery is good. I don't think the writing is good, but I won't abandon the bit. Stephen, are you more of a Christmas fellow or a Thanksgiving fellow?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, they're so different. If you actually, you know, if you're willing to open your heart and drink it in. Totally different. There's less pressure on Thanksgiving, and it's got that going for it because the pressure is get the food on the table hot. That's basically it. And make sure that you don't run out of wine or something like that. And that's. I was a waiter for many years, and I'm ready. I'm ready for the pressures of Thanksgiving, and I love it. And we normally have a huge Thanksgiving here. We have about 30 people. We sweep up stragglers, people who don't, like, have family around or they're in from out of town or something like that. Friends of friends. Everybody's invited. We have a big. We do a very Kennedy Hyannis Port kind of football game in the backyard, and a mud bowl. Very, very soupy yard in November. And it's fantastic. And people, including myself, who are way too old to be playing even touch football, are out there pulling a hand.

[Tig Notaro]

Everyone really gets in.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, everybody gets into it. And we have, like, a big fire pit going, and we have no Crocs of hot, you know, hot cocoa and chocolate and everything. And that's how the day starts.

[Tig Notaro]

And what if somebody was to say, oh, you know, I got a little bit of a rickety body. Would you let them sit out or.

[Stephen Colbert]

Would you throw it?

[Tig Notaro]

Of course.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, no, there's no shame. There's no shame.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

But everybody, you know, everybody throws down at a certain point. Everybody gets out there, gets a little muddy. So. I love Thanksgiving, but Christmas, I'm a sucker. I'm a sucker for. Well, first of all, I'm a sucker for the Jesus because I'm a Christian. But sure, I love. I love the traditions. I love. I love putting up the tree. I love taking out the old ornaments, you know, some from my childhood. And, you know, we've got three kids and the ones that they made. And I just can't believe how my. I've measured out my life in tinsel strands. I can't believe how quickly the year flies by every time I take out that damn box of lights and try to figure out whether they're still all working. Because before I put them away, I wrap them, I plug them in, I go, that's working. And it goes in the box. And then when I take them out the next year, I put them on the tree and they go, mother, one of you isn't working. And I talked to all of you a year ago and you've not been touched since then, and something gives out. But I love that tradition of yelling at lights.

[Tig Notaro]

You like that tradition?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, it's all part of the process. I like the tree. I love fire hazards. I love a huge crackling piece of kindling in the corner of the room. I love fires. I love nog.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, I love nog. Do you as a. Oh, I do. It's one of the things, as a plant based person that I miss the. I miss the consistency of nog.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's like almond noggin.

[Tig Notaro]

There is, and it's disgusting. But what. My favorite is silk nog. I tried flaxseed nog yesterday.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's a nightmare.

[Tig Notaro]

I am not a picky eater, sir. It is the grossest thing I've ever put into my mouth. But I do love nog.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I like the Grinch who Stole Christmas.

[Tig Notaro]

I do, too. My kids are still scared of it a bit.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's scary.

[Tig Notaro]

It is. It's scary even as an adult. But my son Finn, last year, when he was three, he came down every morning during Christmas season and hugged the Christmas tree. There's nothing cuter. Every morning he comes down and wraps his little arms around the tree and then gets his day started.

[Stephen Colbert]

How old is he now?

[Tig Notaro]

He's four now. That Was just last.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is he your eldest?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, they're twins and he is the eldest, so. Good guess.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you know the AA Milne poem Now we are Six? Do you know that one?

[Tig Notaro]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Winnie the Pooh guy. I just love it. And it's so true as having had children. My children are all adults now. But having children all through that, it goes. When I was one, I had just begun. When I was two, I was nearly new. When I was three, I was hardly me. When I was four, I was not much more. When I was five I was barely alive. But now we are six and as clever as clever. I think we'll stay six now forever and ever. Wait till your boy is six.

[Tig Notaro]

I cannot wait to get that. Because you know what? There's a new theme around our house and both Max and Finn always tell us that they don't want to get to be grown ups. They want to be kids forever.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're smart.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, they are smart. But I'll have to get that and get it framed for their room.

[Stephen Colbert]

And it's true. My mother, who raised 11 children, My mother said, oh, it's so true. They get to age six and they're obviously at that point they're toilet trained, but they can fend for themselves and get themselves a little something to eat and they can understand the world and they're wonderful company and they want to talk to you. And at that point the system goes, we'll take them now. Now that you've made them perfect, we'll take them and we'll put them into school. We wouldn't have taken them before when they were hard, but now that they're easy, we'll take them. And she always found that really not fair that you make the child perfect. And the system goes, we'll take them mostly away now.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have we started the podcast at this point?

[Tig Notaro]

We have not. No, we have, we have my cocktails.

[Stephen Colbert]

Getting low and I.

[Tig Notaro]

This is, this is the intro chit chat. And then now we're getting into it. Now we're going to go save some lives. Okay, Stephen, people have holiday questions. They have problems. We're going to try and help them. Are you ready?

[Stephen Colbert]

They have holiday opportunities. Let's, let's, let's take advantage of them.

[Tig Notaro]

They do. They have holiday opportunities. They really do. Don't we all? Alright, the first question. We received this message from Rochelle.

[Listener]

Hey, Tig, I don't know what to do about the holidays. Our family is great, but they're a little angry and bitter and Covid has just Made them a little bit unbearable. We usually host Thanksgiving in our house, and they're not the funnest people to be around right now. I don't know what to do. Do we change our plans? Do we still host Tanks? I have no idea. Help.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I have an answer. Do you have an answer?

[Stephen Colbert]

My first answer is that I feel really unqualified to answer this, because that seems like a serious question.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I'm completely unqualified. And that's why the show is called Don't Ask Tiff.

[Stephen Colbert]

I feel better. I feel better now.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay, I'm going to say this is a perfect opportunity to use the best excuse, which is the safest excuse, and that's that because of COVID you're going to spend this year apart. And I think that whether it's this year or any other year, I feel like it's important to allow yourself times and holidays and celebrations where you really can celebrate and you don't always have to bring in your family or your friends. And I really just feel like it's such an easy ticket out with COVID this year, and you shouldn't have them over for Covid for Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

Ding, ding, ding. Ride. On all counts, I associate myself with the comments from the gentle lady from Mississippi. My first instinct there is just don't call it off and just say, let's zoom in for the dessert course or something like that. Let's.

[Tig Notaro]

Oh, that's good.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, like, let's maybe we zoom in for cocktails at the beginning or whatever you do beforehand, like the cooking and what are you having? And, oh, that pie looks fantastic, and you have the best gravy. And I wish I could be.

[Tig Notaro]

I can almost smell it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly.

[Tig Notaro]

How about that? Say that kind of thing, Stephen, I can almost smell it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Something smells good. And it might be my upper lip. I don't know. But just looking at.

[Tig Notaro]

That's what my mother used to say.

[Stephen Colbert]

What?

[Tig Notaro]

Whenever I said, oh, my gosh, I. Something smells, she'd say, tig at your upper lip. She always said that.

[Stephen Colbert]

I thought I wrote that.

[Tig Notaro]

No, I thought my mother wrote that. I'd never heard that in my life except my entire upbringing.

[Stephen Colbert]

I say it all the time. Yeah, something smells good. It might be my upper lip. I don't know. And I'm probably sure I stole it from some wise old.

[Tig Notaro]

From my mother.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, exactly. I think that's great. And then check back in for the dessert course. And in the meantime, you all can be separate and just be super catty about each other. Like the Pilgrims undoubtedly were about everybody they left back in England. You know what I mean? Can you imagine how the claws came out for the Pilgrims talking about the people back in England who wouldn't let them have their crazy Puritan religion? Because under. Evidently it was. It was pretty crazy.

[Tig Notaro]

And how catty the people in England were about the Pilgrims. They were just like, oh, the Native.

[Stephen Colbert]

Americans right there at the table must have been dishing hard in their native Algonquin. Basically, whatever the Algonquin is. She has a buckle on her hat and her shoe. And her shoe. Oh, what did she put her shoe on? Her head. I told them. I told them to plant fish with their corn, and they believed me.

[Tig Notaro]

You're a silly man. I've always felt that it was odd that people in England are so harsh and hard on Americans because I'm like, where are you?

[Stephen Colbert]

Right. Well, kind of. I mean, I'm not. I'm Irish, but I get the idea.

[Tig Notaro]

But, you know. But Europeans, everyone like, being hard on Americans.

Like, we're you, we're your fault.

You're us, we're you. We just left.

[Stephen Colbert]

The year I went for London for Thanksgiving, we went out on a little boat ride on the Thames with some friends. My wife went to Cambridge when she was in college, and we. She has dear friends over in London, and so we went out to dinner with them one night. We actually went to Thanksgiving dinner with them, but on Thanksgiving Day, we took a boat ride on the Thames, like a little, you know, speedboat ride on the Thames. And we went by a dock, and the guide said, I'm so glad you're here. You're the only ones who ever care about this. He goes, that's the dock that the Mayflower left from before it went and pick up the pilgrims. Because it didn't pick up the pilgrims in London. It picked them up someplace else, but it left from that dock right there. And we're like, woo. And our British friends were like, what was the Mayflower again? And what did it do? They had no idea. And their kids are exactly the same age as our children. So when we sat down for Thanksgiving dinner at one of these places in London that specializes in making Thanksgiving dinner for expats, like Americans over there. And they do it just the way you should. You sit at a restaurant, but they bring you everything on one big plate just kind of mashed together. And when they sat down, the kid said, what's a pilgrim like? We watched our kids explain Thanksgiving to their kids. This was 10 years ago. What's a pilgrim? Is every dish. Could it be pumpkin? You know, it was fantastic. Yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

That'S really fantastic. But also what's more interesting is I didn't know you did accents.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, sure, yeah.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah. Can I hear another one?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm Bobby De Niro. See? Meow. I own this town. See? Bang. Bang, bang.

[Tig Notaro]

Wow, that's impressive.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bang, bang. I used to actually do accents, but I never act anymore, so I don't know if I can still do any.

[Tig Notaro]

Do you want to act?

[Stephen Colbert]

It's weird. I don't know. I mean, I did it for my entire career. Until five years ago, I was acting. And now I try really hard not to. It's really hard to not act if that's all you've done. And I try not to. And I kind of enjoy the ability to up because I'm totally forgivable if I can't do it right. But not for the person who's acting like you have to get it right if you're the actor.

[Tig Notaro]

That's not true. You should see me behind the scenes on Star Trek. They feed me my lines.

[Stephen Colbert]

Brando, too. They would feed Brando his lines.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, that's me.

[Stephen Colbert]

You have been called the Brando of Star Trek. I really am the Brando of the Federation.

[Tig Notaro]

If not, then it's a new day. After this airs, that's what I'll be known as. Anyway, I feel like you and I gave really incredible advice.

[Stephen Colbert]

All I did was agree with you.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, But I think Rochelle is all hooked up for the holidays.

[Stephen Colbert]

What do you think of the name Rochelle? What do you think of the name Rochelle?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it's Richelle. I think R. I, C, H. Let it pass. Richelle. It seems like they just replace an.

[Stephen Colbert]

M with an R. Yes, Richelle sounds like it's like an Italian name for a tiny little rice dish. I didn't know you did accent.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, well, I act, and it's hard to not act all the time. Except when I'm on Star Trek.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's when I take a break and.

[Tig Notaro]

Mamma me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Un morto. Delicioso. Aparatifo Notaro.

[Tig Notaro]

My father's name was Pasquale Notaro. Pascuale.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pasquale. Notaro.

[Tig Notaro]

Pasquale. That's right. All right, Richelle, have a happy Thanksgiving. Whatever happens, I hope Bon Natale. Bon Natale. Rochelle. More holiday health after the break. And moi.

[Advertiser]

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[Producer]

This podcast is produced by APM Studios, a nonprofit public media podcast network. We are committed to sharing stories that move people to rethink the world around them. You can show your love for this show and help us make more like it by going to apmstudios.org donate.

[Tig Notaro]

Stephen, you have a choice for this segment. Do you want to tell a Christmas ghost story or play a game called I Don't Gift a Shit.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'll do the second one. I don't have any ghost stories.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, you know, in England that's a tradition over there is to tell Christmas ghost stories. In fact, we used to do it at our house.

[Stephen Colbert]

I didn't know that.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, now you know.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, next stop. I don't gift a. I don't gift a choo choo.

[Tig Notaro]

Here's how it works. A lot of people out there have no idea what to get their friends and family. This year they've come to me and you for help. They don't know it's you, but when they find out it's you, they're going to be pretty happy. They've sent us the name, the age and one interest for the person and we have to decide on a gift.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is there a time limit?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, it's rapid fire lightning round, so whatever comes to your mind.

[Stephen Colbert]

First thing.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah, okay. Randall is 75 and will only eat his morning cereal out of one particular bowl. What do we get Randall?

[Stephen Colbert]

A gift certificate to one of those paint your own pottery places and he can make his own bowl.

[Tig Notaro]

That's a great answer. Alex is 26 and he's my Husband and a music teacher. His primary instrument is the tuba. The heck do we get this guy?

[Stephen Colbert]

A euphonium, which is like a tuba, but it's smaller and not as loud, but the same. It has the same fingering, if you'll pardon the expression. And so he can get all the joy of a tuba, but in fun size.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, Stella's age 4 and she wants to marry the color pink.

[Stephen Colbert]

Age 4, she wants to marry the color pink. Hmm. Have you thought about giving a small child a cotton candy machine that they.

[Tig Notaro]

Have full access to and could just whip up cotton candy at any hour of the day?

[Stephen Colbert]

I got one when I was six. I was given a cotton candy machine, a small one, and everything's tiny.

[Tig Notaro]

Tiny tubas, tiny child.

[Stephen Colbert]

I will say this. It is too young to give a child something that basically heats up sugar just short of incandescently hot, and then spins it at like just suborbital speed. And then it purposely sprays the super hot sugar out in every direction. And you take a paper cone and go in the opposite direction to collect it. But it's.

[Tig Notaro]

But have you thought of doing it?

[Stephen Colbert]

But have you thought about doing that? I did it. I only burned myself a little bit. I would give her a cotton candy machine.

[Tig Notaro]

The Last one is AJ is 65 and he's constantly getting hurt doing activities he's too old for. What do we get this guy? You know, the first thing that comes to my mind is get him one of those three wheel bikes that have the big wheels and the basket on the back.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'd say a fan boat. One of those swamp fan boats, because they're not high impact over the water. And you can't deny that they look incredibly fun.

[Tig Notaro]

And you could also use the fan to wind up some cotton candy at.

[Stephen Colbert]

The end of the day. You can also go chase gators. No. Come on. You had to have at one point wanted to ride in one of those fan boats.

[Tig Notaro]

I've ridden in those fan boats, and I used to water ski in the swamps of Louisiana as a kid. Who do you think you're dealing with.

[Stephen Colbert]

Behind a fan boat?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, not behind a fan boat, but I've ridden in a fan boat. And I've also. And I'm saying. And in addition to that, I've water skied in the swamps of Louisiana.

[Stephen Colbert]

So you water skied in gator country?

[Tig Notaro]

Yes, sir. I water skied in an area where there was a yield sign that said caution gators. The last time my brother was in town or when I was out visiting Him. I said, have I made this up? People are astounded when I tell him. And he said no. Yeah, we used to water scan the swamps.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are you. Are you an extra in a Burt Reynolds movie?

[Tig Notaro]

I would be. I'm fine.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, too man, I'm happy to.

[Tig Notaro]

Do that kind of work. I'm not above anything.

[Stephen Colbert]

I knee boarded. I didn't ski, but I knee boarded past gators on the bank when I was a kid.

[Tig Notaro]

Like, you know, like you're trying to compete with me.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, no. But we didn't know they'd be there. You have to know if there's a sign. We didn't know. We were just up the Wando. You know the Wando.

[Tig Notaro]

I didn't even need a sign. I don't need a sign saying caution, gators. I was in a swamp, you know, there's gators in there.

[Stephen Colbert]

But I don't want to canoe in a swamp.

[Tig Notaro]

Right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Because I know they're gators there.

[Tig Notaro]

I don't want to go back and visit now that I've had some time and distance. But I really was at an age where it's that invincible thing where I just assumed nothing would happen.

[Stephen Colbert]

But just quickly, before we move on, the fanboat thing, Are they fun?

[Tig Notaro]

A blast. Are you kidding me? A blast? You and me, we're going to do that in London sometime up the Thames.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, that's where the Mayflower left y'all.

[Tig Notaro]

Alright. Remember, it's the thought that counts. And I'm referring back to the gifts that we helped everybody. Stephen. Our final listener question deals with someone who loves Christmas a little too much. Regan writes, soon I will succumb to what I've begun to refer to as the Christmas craziest. And just because you can't see this, I want to let you know Christmas and crazies are spelled with K's. That's how nutso. Okay. Each year it gets a little worse. Last year I made a gift list in October with mostly handmade gifts. I spent a lot of time and money trying to recreate the lovely spirit I felt as a child. On the outset, I still felt a little empty and pretty exhausted. This year I want a different approach. How do I share love and warmth and special seasonal spirit without spreading myself so thin?

[Stephen Colbert]

Maybe instead of like trying to recreate like handmade gifts or everything, why don't you write a letter to the people that you're giving? You would be killing yourself to make these presents for. Why don't you write a letter talking about what they mean to you and why. It's why they're on your mind at Christmas time.

[Tig Notaro]

That's really nice.

[Stephen Colbert]

They don't have to be long. And maybe if you want to add anything to that, maybe attach it to a little treat that you make, like perhaps candy, some orange rinds. I find that's a very Dickensian and old fashioned form of Christmas present. Little bag of candied orange rinds. Or a donation to a charity of their or your choice.

[Tig Notaro]

Yes. Yes, indeed. And maybe if you do write the letter, sign the letter saying, watch out for gators this Christmas. Right? Something that really ties in the holiday spirit.

[Stephen Colbert]

Or throw in like, I'm writing this letter, because otherwise I will go Christmas crazy. And this is a. This is a cry for help. But cry with a K.

[Tig Notaro]

Or cry for kelp, and then you'll really seem Christmas crazy.

[Stephen Colbert]

You only send it. You only send it to harp seals.

[Tig Notaro]

Only send it to yourself. And then it's really Christmas crazy. Send all of the letters to your home address. Address. You know, to other people or. You know what I'm saying. And do you suggest that Regan make the orange rinds herself?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, yeah. It's so easy.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. But this is what she's trying to get out of.

[Stephen Colbert]

Are you saying that Regan doesn't want to make anything for anyone else?

[Tig Notaro]

She's sick of this.

[Stephen Colbert]

She doesn't say she's sick of it. She says she's.

[Tig Notaro]

I can read between the lines. She's sick of this Christmas crazy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Regan, I think I understand you better than Tig does. You're looking for one thing you can do that is simple. Unless everybody know how you feel. And it is that feeling of sharing yourself with other people that is the true spirit of Christmas. For did not Jesus himself say, it's the thought that counts.

[Tig Notaro]

This is the most religious episode.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why? Because I've. Because I've said the word Jesus.

[Tig Notaro]

You said Jesus.

[Stephen Colbert]

I said the word Jesus.

[Tig Notaro]

Well. And you said it three times. Another one where you said Jesus like that. So there's three times.

[Stephen Colbert]

I earned it with the two sincere ones.

[Tig Notaro]

You sure did. Maybe we'll make this a very religious episode. A Christian episode.

[Stephen Colbert]

No. Or. Or don't. I'm not here to proselytize. As I've said before, more Jesus for me.

[Tig Notaro]

You've been hogging all the Jesus.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nobody else wants the Jesus. More Jesus for me. I'll take them all, baby. That's fine.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, baby doll.

[Stephen Colbert]

Got all the Jesus for me? Come on.

[Tig Notaro]

Here, J.C. regan. Reagan. Share that Jesus with Mr. Colbert. I wonder If Reagan's got Jesus. Well, keep it together this year, Regan. Thanks for writing in. I'm very curious how your Christmas crazies go. Please keep in touch and let us know. And, Stephen, before we go. And we are about to go. I had a lot. I had a delightful time with you.

[Stephen Colbert]

This was like a glass of refreshing water. Thank you.

[Tig Notaro]

It's not eggnog.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, nothing is more refreshing. Oh. After a long run, nothing's more refreshing. A cup of nog. Oh, and a corn dog. Oh, just.

[Tig Notaro]

Eggnog and a corn dog.

[Stephen Colbert]

Places the electrolytes. Yeah. Oh, is that what it is, electrolytes that you're missing?

[Tig Notaro]

Well, Stephen, as fun as this was, I do want to acknowledge that for a lot of people, the holidays are not a fun time. And a lot of us may be alone. A lot of us may be grieving family and friends that we lost this year. Do you have any advice for people who may be going through a difficult time right now?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, no. You're not alone. Even if you don't know anyone else who's going through what you're going through is that it's perfectly natural. And so many people go through it at the same time and also know that it'll pass just like the holidays will, that those emotions are normal and not permanent. And it's. And it's perfectly valid to feel them. I mean, all I. All I hear, when I hear that is I want to talk to that person.

[Tig Notaro]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I want them to know that they're loved and that they're valuable and that. That life itself is so beautiful that I want them to be hopeful that they will see the beauty of life, the radiant beauty of existence, like everything in the world is lit from the backside like stained glass itself. It's out there and waiting for you and live in the hope of that. Not everybody needs that drastic of a conversion, but I did when I was younger. I suffered some tragedy when I was younger, and I had terrible sadness at the holidays. I couldn't bear how sad it made me. And at a certain point, I saw my sadness as momentary and had a flash for just a moment, that the world was lit on the other side by something more beautiful than I could anticipate. And I let go of what I thought was kind of a hubris I had that I knew what tomorrow would bring. Instead, gave up to the idea that I didn't know and made myself open to the possibility that I would feel better. And I know that's a very facile way of putting it and mental illness and sadness is a very real thing. But I can only look to my own experience and know that however crushingly depressed I was for years is that there is something on the other side of it. And don't lose hope.

[Tig Notaro]

That's really beautiful and incredible. And I'm certain that it's going to mean a lot of. A lot to hear from you. And I feel the same way. And I always go back to whether it's loss I've experienced or any sort of health challenges I've had over the past eight years. I always try to stay in this place of trusting life. And it's kind of a weird thing to say because you have no idea where anything's going to go. But I have really tried in the hardest and darkest moments to trust. Like you're saying that there is something more, there is something better.

[Stephen Colbert]

And I don't want to, because this is your podcast and I don't want to make this a religious podcast. But as a Christian, I would only add to that is that think about getting a cotton candy machine, because they're really fun. And who doesn't love cotton candy?

[Tig Notaro]

Jesus.

[Stephen Colbert]

What are you talking about? Okay, you think Jesus wouldn't have liked cotton candy? What are you talking about?

[Tig Notaro]

Can you picture Jesus holding cotton candy?

[Stephen Colbert]

100%. 100%.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. If there's an artist out there, could you please whip up a painting of Jesus eating cotton candy?

[Stephen Colbert]

It should be loaves, fishes, and just a. Just a ass load of cotton candy. He could fed the multitudes.

[Tig Notaro]

I was going to say the final dinner, but that's not what it's called. I like.

[Stephen Colbert]

Final dinner. I think it was called the ultimate snack.

[Tig Notaro]

My sons are obsessed with the idea of midnight snacks, but whenever we go visit Nana in Palm Springs, they cannot wait to get up in the middle of the night and have a midnight feast. Not a midnight snack, a midnight feast with Nana. And what they don't know is it's only 8:00 at night, but they think it is the middle of the night and she pulls out whatever they want and they just chow down and have their midnight feast with Nana.

[Stephen Colbert]

And if you get nothing else, if you take nothing else from this podcast tonight, listeners take advice is lie to your children.

[Tig Notaro]

Anyway, there you have it. Stephen, thank you endlessly for taking the time to do this.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is really, really lovely. Thanks so much. It was. It was a night nice in a way that actually left me with more energy at the end. So thanks so much.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, good. Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have a happy holiday. Everybody.

I wish that I could put you on your path and set you free that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is for that's what your heart is for Listen to.

[Tig Notaro]

Your heart Don't Ask TIG is hosted by me, Tig Notaro. It's produced by Thomas Willette, Mary Noss and Tracy Mumford. Our editor is Phyllis Fletcher. Executive producer, Lauren Dee. Engineering and sound mixing by Eric Romani. Digital production by Christina Lopez. Talent booking by Marianne Ways. Production assistance by Nancy Shue. Our theme music is Friend in Tig by Edie Raquel and Kyle Crusham and listen to your heart by Edie Burkell. Special thanks to Hunter Sideman, Lily Kim and Alex Schaffert. Our executive consultant is Dean Capello and Gobsmack Studios. You can always ask for [e-mail] just write in with your problem or send us a voice memo. You can also follow us on social media at Dontasktig. Don't ask. Tig is a production of American and public Media. And as always, thanks, Dana. And I'll tell Becky. Hi, I'm stand up comedian and sex symbol Tig Notaro.

[Cheryl Hines]

And I'm actor and writer Cheryl Hines.

[Tig Notaro]

Before Cheryl and I got into the big business of podcasting together, we were just simply friends.

[Cheryl Hines]

And we're still, still friends. But now we talk about a different documentary every week on our podcast, Tig and Cheryl True Story. So whether you love documentaries or just want to hear us slowly lose our minds, check out Teig and Cheryl True Story wherever you get your podcasts.

[Tig Notaro]

All right, cool.