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Anger isn't the problem, it's the signal. Anger is your emotions attempt to help you get power back. Have you ever had a moment where you thought, why am I this angry about this? Like it shouldn't be a big deal, but your body says otherwise, Your chest is tight, your jaw is clenched, you're replaying it over and over, and almost immediately you try to talk yourself out of it. It's not worth it. I'm probably overreacting. Just let it go. But you can't, because something in you is not letting this go. And what if that's not a problem? What if your anchor is actually your system trying to help you get your power back? Welcome back to don't cut your own bangs, the podcast that lives in that space between. I think I have it all together. And why does this feel so much harder than it should? I'm Danielle Ireland, therapist, storyteller and someone who works with high functioning humans with big feelings who are really good at holding it all together on the outside and not always is great at listening to what's happening on the inside. And today we're talking about anger. What it actually is, what it's trying to tell you and how to work with it instead of pushing it down or letting it take over. There was a time in my life where anger knew something before I was ready to know it. I was in a relationship during a transitional time in my life. I felt lost. And this person came in with a lot of attention, a lot of praise and a lot of affection. And if I'm really honest, I didn't even really like them at first. But I liked how I felt when they liked me. And slowly that attention started to shift. Little jabs, little zings, little take backs. And instead of looking out at the relationship or getting curious about how I felt, I turned inward, looking through a lens of self criticism and doubt. What's wrong with me? Why do I feel so off? What do I need to do to turn this thing around? Until one day a line got crossed. A big, big line. And my first reaction was an anger. It was shock. It was stillness. And I was numb. And as I'm driving home, the second I pull into the driveway, it hit me. Rage. Like something cracked open in my chest. And all I could say over and over was no, no. And I' screaming it. I turn the car around, I drive back. And I don't even fully know what I was planning to do when I got there. And thankfully no one was home. But all I knew was no, this was not okay. And I would never put myself in that position again. That was a moment where my anger knew better than me. And my anger got me out and it never let me go back. And anger has also misled me before, especially when it gets tangled up in righteousness. In this case, I'll add, I'm also talking about it within the context of healthier relationships, when I am so locked up in my version of events, there is no room for anything else. No curiosity, no listening, no empathy. Just I'm right. And in those moments, my anger is less about protecting me from an actual threat and more about control or protecting my ego from being bruised. It narrows everything, like blinders, like a horse drawn carriage. And every time I've let that anger give me permission to be unkind, I regret it. And that's not power. That's disconnection. That is driving a wedge between me and someone I value. Between the version of me in that moment and the version of me that I actually want to be. So this is why it's important for us to listen to anger and interpret anger. Because anger is not random. It's not a flaw and it's not something to fix. It is information. It's your system saying something here matters. Something here has crossed a line. Something about this isn't okay, and maybe I don't know what it is yet. And most of the time, anger builds. A little dismissal, a little override, a little betrayal, until eventually the dam breaks or the avalanche ensues. The first time, or the first sign that something is off. It's almost never fully anger. It could be over tolerance. It's being good at handling discomfort so good that you maybe don't even realize or register that it is discomfort anymore. If you're someone who keeps the peace, manages other people's emotions, or talks yourself out of your reactions, this is a big place where it could be starting. It looks like replaying the conversation, drive hall, or telling the same story to multiple people until you get the reaction you need, or explaining it away or minimizing it. That is not clarity. That is your system trying to solve something that you haven't fully let yourself feel yet. There is a difference between I want to be treated with respect and my sense of stability depends on being treated with respect. You are allowed to want respect and you are allowed to expect respect. But your power does not come from whether someone gives that to you. Your power comes from what you do when they don't. And this is exactly why having a place to process this matters. Because if you don't have somewhere for these thoughts and feelings to go. They're going to stay bottled up or they're going to come out sideways. That is a big part of why I created the Treasure Journal. Whether you use it or not, journaling is not about writing it out perfectly, but it's about creating a space where you can hear yourself clearly. And then there's my children's book, Wrestling a Walrus, which is really about learning how to sit with and interpret big feelings instead of trying to fight them or avoid them. Because hanger anger is one of those feelings that gets big fast, and learning how to stay with it changes everything. You can find both of these resources in the show notes take what serves you and leave what doesn't. So here's something I want you to try, not in theory, but in real life. The next time you're in your car replaying a conversation, instead of trying to make it make sense, ask yourself, what about that actually bothered me? The next time you feel low level irritation, instead of pushing through, name it. Even if it feels small, even if it feels irrational. Especially if it feels irrational, name it. And if you catch yourself managing everyone else's emotions around you, pause and ask, what do I need right now? Okay, I wanna try something else with you. Not later, not when you have more time. Just right here. If you're driving, just listen, stay safe. If you are in a place to write, great. If not, just think it through. But let's slow this down together. Side Not I love doing this on walks. So first things first. Name the experience. Name the feeling. What are you actually feeling right now? Not the polished version, not the dressed up version. And not one that even has to make sense. Now that you have a sense of what's there, this one matters a little bit more. What about it is actually bothering you? And sometimes it helps to ask the same question multiple times. What bothers me? What bothers me? What's underneath the thing that bothers me? Then, if you can be really honest, what do you actually need right now? What do you need right now? Not what do they need to do, not what they should do, but you what do you need? Because your feelings are what matter here and then the last one. If your anger could speak clearly without blowing everything up, what would it say? What is your anger's voice? And it's often very simple, like, no, but notice what shifts. You don't have to fix anything yet, you don't have to do anything at all. But hopefully with a little more clarity, you're not spinning anymore. You're here. If this helped even a little, this is the kind of work I write about each week on my substack. It's free, it's slower, It's a place to actually sit with this kind of stuff. And you can join me there through the link in the show notes. Let's go back to the most important question in all of this that we've talked about so far. What do you need? And I'll be honest, this question can almost feel offensively simple. But the answers are also usually water, air, food. A break space and small doesn't mean insignificant. It means you're starting to listen. Reacting to anger is like a mousetrap. It's fast, it's automatic. Listening to anger is slower, it requires slowing down. It's what happens after the moment when you walk it back. What was building there? What did I miss? What did I need that I didn't know at the time? And that is where your power is. Using anger well doesn't always feel comfortable. It's often really uncomfortable, but it feels clear, grounded, and puts you back in the driver's seat when you listen. Because the alternative is letting anger drive. And not only is that exhausting, it's also potentially dangerous. If this episode resonated, I would love to stay connected beyond this space. I'm sharing more on substack, reflections, prompts, meditations, all designed to actually help you apply this work. For now, everything is free. There could be a fun subscription service coming with more extras and goodies just for you. So stay tuned with that. But also, if you are listening and thinking, I wish I could have this experience in real life. You can. Because I do speaking events and workshops and I travel. This turns into a real life version of the podcast with more laughter, more eye contact. It's a gentle reset in real life. So the next time you feel anger, don't rush to get rid of it. Get curious about it. Because it's not there to ruin your relationships or ruin your day. It's there to show you and remind you what matters. And the sooner you listen, the less it has to shout. If this episode resonated, send it to someone who's ever said to you, I'm not mad, I'm just frustrated. And if you're navigating big feelings and a very full life, you are exactly who this space is for. You don't need to get it perfect. Just listen a little closer. And in the meantime, put down the scissors and don't cut your own bangs.