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Hello, this is Danielle Ireland, and you are listening to Don't Cut your Own, a solo cast. And today I want to talk about jealousy. Specifically, what jealousy could potentially mean in terms of unlocking some really key insights and potentially leading us some really meaningful emotional information that we otherwise may not have if it weren't for this emotion. So jealousy is often considered, well, a negative emotion. We don't like the way it feels when we experience it. It doesn't feel good because oftentimes when it arises, what we do is we start to do a couple of things. It's usually one of three things. We start to compare ourselves to either the person or group of people that we feel like has something we don't or we become critical of again, said person, said social media account, said group of people. We start picking them or we'll complain. And that's sort of like when the two come to a head. So I feel small, then I try to make the other person small, even if it's in my own mind, getting critical, and then it sort of lands on complaining, which can be, you know, talking about the person when they're not around or talking about how certain people tend to have certain things that we don't have. And none of these emotional responses to this emotion feel good. They're not fun to participate in. They usually leave us feeling, again, smaller and smaller. And so what I loved about this person's question is what potential healing, what insights like? Because what I said in the workshop was that all emotions have value. They all are revealing and unearthing something to us at all times. But how we recognize them, how we interpret them and what we do in response to them and is ultimately our responsibility to navigate and manage. And so I thought this was such a good emotion to talk about. And my response to her was that jealousy could be, and often is calling something you desire to your attention. So I think social media is a really great example to use to try to explore this a little bit, that when we're scrolling on our social media feed, and for me on, I'll just say, oh, when my jealousy comes up, it's usually when I'm tired, I'm feeling bloated. It's at the end of a day where maybe I haven't felt my best and I start scrolling in my feed and I'll be on Instagram and I'll see these beautiful, you know, Insta bloggers with washboard abs doing inversions and handstands and yoga poses and these really tropical, remote, exotic locations. And it usually Makes me feel like I'm not working out enough. I'm not taking better care of myself, or I'm not caring for myself as much as I should. I feel really busy and really tired, and so traveling feels like luxury. And so if I'm not aware of what's happening within myself, if I'm out of touch with my own emotional landscape, and then I open myself up to, you know, someone who's seemingly. Or projecting an image of, like, having it all together, looking amazing while doing it, and also, like, really, like, tone and fit. Oh, Lord. It just flares all of my imposter syndrome up. It flares up my unworthiness, and it can activate emotions like jealousy. So what I wanted to introduce in this short solo cast was to explore what it could look like if we got curious about our jealousy. And curious in the sense of, okay, if all emotions are information, they're trying to reveal something to us. What potential insight could jealousy have for you? Because if we just label it as bad, if we just label it as that's not a good emotion, that's not a good emotion to have, or that's not a good way to feel, or you shouldn't feel that way, we're kind of whack a mole ing like, that old arcade game with, like, the bumper mallet and the little, like, moles that pop their head up that you just kind of smack back down. We're just whack a moling this information and stuffing it back down inside and doing nothing with it. So when you feel any emotion, whether it's an unpleasant emotion or a less socially acceptable emotion, whatever the emotion is, invite it forward and then just start asking it questions. I know I'm talking about the emotion as if it's like this intangible separate thing from you. But in a way, if you think about it, the less you adopt the emotions that you experience as part of your identity and again, look at it more as an experience. If it's an experience I have, well, then I have to be either aware of it or witnessing it happening. So is it really me? Like, the core of me? It would be like saying every book you own is you or every class in school you've ever had was you or lesson you've ever learned was you, they make impressions on you. Sure. They affect you. Yes, most definitely. But are the books, lessons, time you've spent in school, are they you, like, literal you with a capital Y? I don't think so. And so if we're the experiencer of our emotion, we're also the interpreter of our emotion. And so emotions like jealousy, let's take some time to explore what it could mean if we sit with them, look with them, and get a little curious about them. So some things that could be behind or underneath or on the other side of jealousy for you could be that maybe. Maybe there's something about what you're seeing in an image or what you're seeing in another person. Maybe there's something there that you really want. And so what you could consider is maybe writing in a journal or sitting down with a trusted confidant or friend and saying, okay, I'm going to set the scene for you. I'm going to describe where I was, how I was feeling, what I saw, and I'm going to see if I can get clear on what was it about this experience that brought this emotion up for me. You know, was it the confidence that this person seemed to have, or was it the. The thing that they were wearing? Because sometimes it's a thing. Oftentimes, though, I think it's more than a thing. I can't tell you how many times I'll feel a little insecure. I'll see an image of someone looking carefree and light and breezy and just, like, so happy. But what that picture is promoting is the sweater. And I'll buy the sweater. Not because I need another sweater. Let me tell you, as someone. As someone whose birthday is in December and Christmas falls in December, my winter wardrobe is very full. But when I am feeling tired or burdened or trapped or. Or run down or burnt out, when I see an image of someone looking carefree and whimsical in some beautiful field with a mountain landscape behind her, and her hair is blowing in the wind, and then there's a click button that says, bye. Now I'm like, yes, I need that sweater. Because the emotional connection is I want more freedom. I want more free time. I want to feel relaxed. I want to feel this beautiful and attractive. And yes, I want to roll around in a field of wheat, but it's actually not about the swe. And so when I make impulse buys or emotional purchasing decisions based on something that I want to feel, not actually something I want to own, that's usually when I'll feel buyer's remorse or I'll kind of be hard on myself, or I'll kind of shake my fist at the advertising world and say, oh, you took advantage of me, which is, again, comparison, criticism and complaining, none of which help me feel any better, none of which inform My experience, Nothing. Nothing. I can't. Those aren't empowering me. So it can mean what is in this thing that I see, that I want. And if you can try to name the emotion or the quality associated with that, what that can speak to. Like in my example, if I am feeling tired, burned out, too busy, over committed and overstretched, and I see an image where someone feels light, carefree, breezy, then if I were to do this exercise in myself and say, okay, so this is how I'm feeling, this is what I'm attracted to in this image or in this other person or what I imagine this other person is feeling. So then the follow up would be what small little piece of this emotion or experience that I'm wanting in my own life? How can I give that to myself in a small way? And so, you know, maybe what I'll do to take the advice of style expert and former don't cut your own bangs guest Nicole Bush I'll put it in my shopping cart online, turn my phone off, go take a bath, right? I'll do something that feels like self care. Maybe it's a few yoga poses, maybe it's going for a walk outside when the weather permits, right? But I'll do something to help me feel connected to other things that elicit that emotion in me. And if I'm still thinking about the sweater in like a day or so, then maybe, maybe it is the sweater and maybe I should just buy the damn sweater. But oftentimes, I can't tell you how many times, more times than not, I'll either forget about the sweater or realize I don't really want that frickin sweater because I was able to give myself that feeling outside of making the purchase. The other thing that jealousy could be, could be potentially calling to the surface for you is maybe I need more of this. So it may not be introducing some brand new thing or some brand new experience that you need to have, but it could be saying there's more here. So maybe you're already on the path, maybe you're already doing some of the work, but you see someone who almost seems to be, I don't know, maybe three, four, five years ahead of where you want to be. So let's say it's like a career goal or it's a fitness goal. So you've been working hard and you've been doing all the things for a year, and then you see someone who maybe in your mind seems like they're in a little better shape, they have a little better Energy, they seem to be able to make more time for their bodies than you. And so sometimes what it can, Mark, is not a new thing we need to enter into. Sometimes what jealousy could be indicating is, oh, like, maybe I need to dial up the intensity a little bit in this. Or ready. Maybe I'm ready to put more energy behind this pursuit that I'm already on. I'm just ready to take an extra couple steps ahead. The other thing that it could mean is maybe I'm really ready, like really ready to make a change. So there's sort of like three different layers to this. Jealousy can mean there's something that I want that I didn't realize that I wanted. There's something that I need more of that maybe I have a little bit of, but I need more of it. Or I'm ready to make a change. But whatever that is, however you interpret that, whatever that change is for you. I think if we think about the fact that our eyes are looking out, not in everything that we look at, everything that we participate in, the world that we see and how we interpret it is like a mirror that's reflecting back to us information about what our internal environment is like, right? The world behind our eyeballs, it's reflecting information back about our internal landscape all the time. I mean, I think, at least for myself, I can speak for myself and I can definitely speak for several clients that I work with who have alluded to, I think, a very similar feeling that when my cup is full, when I feel, and not just my cup is full in the sense where I feel confident about my appearance. Because I think oftentimes jealousy kind of elicits that type of external physical comparison. But when I am feeling fulfilled, when I am feeling tapped in, tuned in, turned on, when I am feeling lit up inside, seeing someone else who's expressing their happiness, their joy, their freedom, their creativity, to me, that feels more encouraging than discouraging. It feels like something I want to celebrate for them or with them, even if I don't know them. I can give them like a, you know, a virtual high five or thumbs up. But I feel like I want to. To celebrate in their success. And their success feels like evidence that maybe what I want in my life is possible. When I'm lit up inside, when that same type of stimulus starting, seeing someone else succeed, seeing someone else do something incredible with their life, when that makes me feel small, it's never about them or the other thing. What it's reflecting is there is a need that I have that is not being tended to. And the only person who can do that is me. So I hope that this was helpful. I hope it potentially offered a different way or a different perspective or a new angle to approach jealousy. If and when you feel it, as always, your time, your care and your attention, they mean the absolute world to me. And I hope we can continue this conversation further. But I'm going to sign off here. And again, I hope you continue to have a wonderful day. Sam.