Pauses Don't Mean You're Failing (They Mean You're Listening) | Repost Remix with Ashlyn Thompson

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Pauses Don't Mean You're Failing (They Mean You're Listening)"

Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs | Host: Danielle Ireland
Guest: Ashlyn Thompson
Date: Feb 23, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this special "Repost Remix" episode, host Danielle Ireland revisits a heartfelt and profoundly therapy-informed conversation with Ashlyn Thompson, co-founder and executive hope director of the Parent Empowerment Network. Together, they explore the powerful reframing of pain, the value of pausing, moving out of victim mentalities, and why periods of contraction (not producing, not “doing”) are vital, not signs of failure. The episode is structured around select clips from their previous chat, woven together with fresh reflections relevant to anyone feeling overwhelmed in the messy middle of modern life.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Pain Is Not Personal—But Our Stories Are

(Start: 02:08, Clip: 06:40–12:10)

• Pain as Universal: Danielle highlights her experience as a therapist, emphasizing that while our specific stories are unique, pain itself is universal.
  • “Our pain is not personal. Our story is personal. But pain is not personal.” — Danielle (06:24)
• Victim Mentality vs. Being Victimized:
  • Ashlyn and Danielle discuss how staying stuck in a victim mentality can “shrink your world so, so much.” (07:48 – Ashlyn)
  • Recognizing pain as a connector, not a competition; “The feeling, the emotional and physical experience, relationship with pain is common through all of us.” (07:52 – Ashlyn)
• Practical Pivot:
  • Moving from unanswerable "why me?" questions to "what" and "how" questions (“What is the next right step?”) can broaden perspective and empower movement through suffering.

Notable Quote:

“I recognize how hard this is and I'm not going to make this pain so precious that I don't also see it as temporary.”
— Danielle (07:10)

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Reflection Question:

"What’s one why question you keep circling that isn’t giving you anything back? If you swapped it for a how or a what question, what would you ask instead?"
(12:14 – Danielle)

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2. The Expansion-Contraction Cycle: Pauses as Proof of Listening

(14:00–23:28)

• Life Still “Lifing”: Ashlyn shares the reality behind running a nonprofit—growth spurts are always followed by periods of pulling back, sometimes triggered by personal or collective challenges.
• Pausing ≠ Failing:
  • Ashlyn: “The thing I'm most proud of...is allow[ing] ourselves permission to grow and shrink as needed...It has not been a step process.” (15:28)
  • Danielle confesses her own struggle with self-worth tied to output, despite intellectually “knowing better.”
• Analogies and Reframes:
  • The “goo” phase (caterpillar to butterfly)—magic and transformation occur during hidden, messy, and seemingly unproductive stretches.
  • “Doubt doesn’t mean you’re done. Taking a pause doesn’t mean you’re stopping forever.” — Danielle (19:20)
  • You have to inhale sometimes; you "can't exhale forever." (19:33)
• Impact Over Output: Permitting expansion and contraction is framed as healthy, vital, and generative—even if only the team benefits in a season, not the wider audience.

Notable Quotes:

“Allowing things to be a part of you, not all of you, is really important.”
— Ashlyn (21:12)

“A pause is not proof that you're failing. A pause is often proof that you are listening.”
— Danielle (22:28)

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Reflection Question:

"Where could you be asking yourself to expand when what you actually really need to do is inhale and pause? Where are you asking yourself for more when what may be required of you is a little less?"
(22:12 – Danielle)

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3. The Opposite of Anxiety Is Not Calm, But Creativity

(26:41–32:31)

• Key Insight:
  • Inspired by Dr. Martha Beck, Danielle reframes the anxiety dilemma—calm is not always accessible or ideal; instead, creativity is the true “opposite” of anxiety.
• Small Creative Practices as Lifelines:
  • Ashlyn and Danielle describe how art, coloring, music, or brief creative rituals can ground the nervous system and provide a regulated outflow for difficult emotions.
  • Grounding matters: “Am I grounded? Are my feet touching the ground? I can still have a lot going on, but when I can just take a moment to literally just ground myself...” (27:18 – Ashlyn)
  • Connection is regulation; journaling and safe, nonjudgmental human interaction are highlighted as vital.
• Emotions vs. Logic:
  • “Logic is not loud. Our emotions are loud and they get louder and louder the more we push them back.” (30:08 – Ashlyn)
  • Danielle: “Your emotions never lie to you. Your thoughts are very different.”

Notable Quotes:

“The opposite of anxiety is not calm. It's creativity.”
— Danielle (26:42)

“Creativity is a lifeline. The most chaotic moments of my life have been the least creative.”
— Ashlyn (27:18)

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Tangible Takeaways:

Small acts count!

• Color with your kids (or by yourself)
• Make a music playlist
• Rearrange a bookshelf
• Cook with a new spice
• Write a single honest paragraph

Reflection Question:

"What is one tiny creative action that you could take this week that would actually help you feel more centered in the seat of yourself?"
(32:31 – Danielle)

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4. Parenting, Self-Compassion, and Owning Messy Truths

(38:08–43:44)

• “Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs” Moments: Ashlyn and Danielle swap funny, humbling stories about failing to provide context—Danielle with her husband during a podcast recording, Ashlyn with her eight-year-old son’s therapy journey.
• Parental Self-Blame:
  • Ashlyn’s therapist points out her narrow “tolerance window” for acceptable emotions and challenges her to broaden what’s permissible—for herself and her son.
  • Profound realization: Children’s “negative” emotions do not mean you’re failing as a parent.
• Self-Care, Redefined:
  • True self-care is about broadening what you allow yourself to experience emotionally—which is then permission and modeling for your children or loved ones.

Notable Quotes:

“Every emotion he experiences is not a direct reflection of who I am as a parent. Any emotion that is considered negative that my child has doesn't mean that I'm doing a bad job as a parent.”
— Ashlyn (42:54)

“When you nurture and heal yourself, it becomes the medicine and the offering for the other people in your life that you love most.”
— Danielle (43:36)

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Memorable Moments & Listener Reflections

• “If you need permission to breathe, consider it granted.” (23:00 – Danielle)
• “If you took anything from today, let it be this: Your pain doesn’t get to decide your worth, and your nervous system deserves care, not criticism.” (36:44 – Danielle)
• “If you’re doing the bare minimum, that counts. If you’re showing up imperfectly, still trying and learning and breathing, that counts too.” (36:40 – Danielle)

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Important Timestamps

• 06:40–12:10 — Moving from “why me” to “how/what” questions, victim mentality nuances
• 14:00–23:28 — “Life is still lifeing,” the necessity of contraction, permission to pause
• 26:41–32:31 — Why creativity (not calm) is the best nervous system antidote to anxiety
• 38:08–43:44 — Humbling “bangs” moments, emotional tolerance in parenting, self-care reframed

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Final Thoughts & Community Invitation

Danielle closes with an invitation for listeners to share their own questions, stories, or tangents for future episodes. Above all, she offers deep permission:
“You don’t have to earn your love by being productive. You are allowed to be a full human. Messy, brilliant, tired—hopefully all of it.” — Danielle (37:10)

Listeners are urged to see their pauses and contractions as acts of listening, not failure—and to use creativity, not pressure, as a gentle balm for anxiety.

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Contact & Community:

• Email Danielle: [e-mail] (Subject line: Bangs)
• IG/TikTok: @dontcutyourownbangs
• LinkedIn: Danielle Ireland

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If this episode felt like a deep breath, pass it on.

Transcript

[Danielle Ireland]

We're lost. I'm gonna pull over and ask that man for directions. Hi there. We're looking to get to the campground.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Well, you're gonna take a left at

[Danielle Ireland]

the old oak tree end of this here road. No, I'm just kidding. Let me get my phone out. How are you getting a signal out here? T Mobile and US Cellular decided to merge. So the network out here is huge.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

We're getting the same great signal as

[Danielle Ireland]

the city and saving a boatload with all the benefits.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Oh, and a five year price guarantee. Okay, here's those directions.

[Danielle Ireland]

Actually, can you point us in the direction of a T Mobile store? America's best network just got bigger. Switch to T Mobile today and get built in benefits the other guys leave out.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Plus our five year price guarantee.

[Danielle Ireland]

And now T Mobile is available in US Cellular stores. Best mobile network based on analysis by Oogle of Speedtest Intelligence data 2H2025 bigger network the combination of T Mobile's and US cellular network footprints will enhance the T Mobile network's coverage price guarantee on talk, text and data exclusions like taxes and fees apply. CT T mobile.com for details.

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[Danielle Ireland]

Hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are listening to don't cut your own bangs. And today I am recording in preparation and in support of future me. I am going on a Disney cruise with my family and yes, thoughts and prayers, please keep me in them. I think it's going to be a mashup of magic and mayhem and everything in between. My brain is a little suitcase shaped and my schedule is different. Things are feeling extra compact in preparation for a trip. Also, somehow it totally was missed by me that my kids will be out of school and daycare on Friday. So a lot to cram in and a lot I'm committed to. But I'm also committed to honoring my future self. And I thought there is no better way to do that for myself and for the community than by reintroducing you to Ashlyn Thompson. I'm having her back on the podcast as a guest. We're going to do a pod swap. I'm going to be a guest on her the Parent Empowerment Network podcast and she's going to come back and we're going to have another conversation on don't cut your own bangs. But I thought this would be a fabulous conversation to pull back. I'm going to be pulling four clips from our conversation last year and reintroduce it to us because one, there's a lot of new people here that may have missed that episode from the archive. So this is a great way to get re acclimated with a future friend, lifelong friend, because everybody's going to want to know her after they hear this. And these are four clips. One is funny, Three are really specifically lessons that I need to hear again, and also themes that have come up so consistently in my therapy sessions with clients. I know that we're all also trying to keep up the energy of the new year while also just keeping our heads above water. So I wanted to bring back a conversation that still lights me up whenever I think about it and whenever I listen to it. The episode was titled Pain as a Professor, so if you want to go back and listen to the whole episode, I'll link it for you in the show notes. You're welcome to scroll back and take a peek. I believe it released in May or June of last year. And what I love about Ashlyn is she's one of those people who can hold heavy things and heavy topics without making them feel heavier and somehow still helps us and myself be able to feel like I can laugh, I can breathe deeper, and I know I'm less alone. Here are the topics we're going to cover. How to stop getting stuck in the why me Spiral, why pauses don't mean you're failing, and a nervous system truth that I love that when anxiety is loud, creativity can be a lifeline. While this episode, there are parts of it that will be a replay, there's also gonna be some fresh new takes in between these clips that will help us tie them all together so we'll be bevisiting an old friend and revisiting an old conversation. But as in life, sometimes the best lessons bear repeating, and this is one of those times. Before we jump into the clips with Ashlyn, if this episode is meeting you in a reflective or tender season of life, I just want to gently nod to the Treasure Journal. It's a journal that I made as a quiet companion to the podcast. It's a place you can land between episodes without worrying about having to find the right and you can process all the things that come up as you listen. And if you're parenting a kid with big feelings, Wrestling a Walrus is a story that I wrote to help normalize frustration and remind both kids and grownups that emotions don't mean something's wrong with you. It's just a part of the step along the way. Both are linked in the show notes I am so glad you're here. All right, let's take a breath, unclench our jaws, relax our shoulders, and drop into the first clip with Ashlyn Thompson. There's an element of the work that I do where, and I'm sure you get this in your own way, too, with, like, hearing stories from families who are holding really hard and heavy things. I think when I meet people for the first time, a common response is, wow, I don't know how you do what you do, or I don't know how you listen to that all day. Or oh man. And I think, yes, sure, there, there are certainly days and clients or moments where those stories are making space for people's big, heavy, painful experiences is can be a lot, at times far less anymore. But I think more than anything, the vat like, I feel so lucky to have the experience a hundred, maybe even thousands of times over, heard people's pain. And I know what pain sounds like. Yes. And there are different types. And one thing that I absolutely believe to be true is that our pain is not personal. Our story is personal. Right. But pain is not personal. And the events of our life, even the things that happen to us, it's, there's, it's almost shifting out of a and I hope I can say this within the context that that is heard with love, but shifting out of a victim mentality right into it, because being victimized or being stricken with grief or holding something hard like that is absolutely real. And also knowing that this is happening to me, but this is not. Gosh, what are the words I'm trying to find? What I'm hearing is, you Recognize how hard this is, whatever that insert blank. I recognize how hard this is and I'm not going to make this pain so precious that I don't also see it as temporary.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes, exactly.

[Danielle Ireland]

There's something. So I think there's something really powerful and there's so much nuance to that because I certainly don't want to. People can be victimized, but the victim mentality is one of, in my professional experience, it's one of the more challenging headspaces to for someone to walk out of. Agree. It's really hard. Exactly.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

It shrinks your world so, so much.

[Danielle Ireland]

That's well said.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And we experience that very often. We really focus. I mean we say all the time, you know, we are non diagnosis specific, non prognosis specific with the families that we work with. And we focus on the parents or the parent role which could be performed by a sibling, a grandpar, a friend and adopt a lot of different people. But what we really found early in our journey and what helped us evolve into parent empowerment Network was that recognition that like you pointed out, pain is not, it's not customized to your experience. The feeling, the emotional and physical experience, relationship with pain is common through all of us. And it actually is a way that we can connect with each other when we recognize that, when we stop comparing one another's pains. Now don't get me wrong, if your kid got a bump on the head versus your kid needs a, you know, brain surgery, those are different.

[Danielle Ireland]

Various different.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Most of the time we're not dealing with that. And what we have found is that when somebody is in that victim mentality, which is understandable, I think that's a very important aspect to acknowledge when you're feeling like a victim. Why is this happening to me? Or why is this happening to my child? I will be the first to say it's never okay when your child is hurting or sick or in harm's way or worse, I will never be okay with it. But when we stay stuck in a victim mentality, our ability to problem solve goes from about here to here.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And then your child is really the one who suffers. And I hate. It's a hard truth, but we have to face that truth. Because when we can help a parent start to find glimmers of hope, start to see that there's a way to build on quality of life there than cure, then you start to see this new version emerge where they are truly, you know, empowered advocates for their child.

[Danielle Ireland]

There's something that I heard in what you said too that a Lot of times when I'm working with clients who are maybe knee deep in anxiety or depression, for example, I. Why can be a powerful question, but I think a misplaced why is a really damaging question. Like why me? Why then? Why this? Why now? Because those are questions you can't answer that only lead to a defeating answer. Exactly. Another question or shame. But what I'm hearing a lot in. When you. When you can kind of broaden your focus and sort of release that constriction from why, you then can open yourself up to a different type of question. How can. Can I get through today? How can I get through this moment? What is needed most of me now? What do I need now?

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Right.

[Danielle Ireland]

And those types of the what and the how. Who do I need to show up for? Is it me? Right. Is it them? Who do I need to ask for help? Who has information that I need? Those types of questions don't eliminate the pain, but it broadens the scope of your field of vision. And I know that though, like. Cause you are here in many ways, I hope it's okay to use this term, but I hope that you're here as an expert and you're also the executive hope director of the Power Impairment Network. And I think a lot of times, what we would imagine as the worst possible case scenario, the worst thing we could imagine would be something happening to our kids. This has been your lived experience. This has been your business partner's lived experience. And for. Even though you have a podcast as well, where you really create a space and a community that helps people with that very specific set of circumstances that I would imagine it's like the best and worst club to be a part of.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

So we always say, we're so sorry you're in this club.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

But we're so glad you found us.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yeah.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Thanks be to Dina.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

We're really sorry, but at the same time, like, welcome home.

[Danielle Ireland]

Welcome. And so I think a lot of the people who tune in to don't cut your own banks, I don't know how many would have this specific life experience. And if you do. Oh, my gosh, what a gorgeous resource you have in Ashlyn.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Thank you.

[Danielle Ireland]

And the Parent Empowerment Network and their podcast. But I do think that even in something like this, within the specificity of everything you're saying, there is such a broad truth that we can all access. Okay, let's just pause for a second. If you felt your whole body exhale during that clip, you're not alone. I was right there with you. One of the Things that Ashlyn names so beautifully is the difference between being victimized, which is very real and very painful, and a victim mentality. And that can quietly shrink your world. And what I want to say gently is sometimes the most loving thing we can do is stop asking questions that lead to self blame, which is another form of self harm. So here's a reflection question that you can carry with you this week. Maybe put it in your journal. What's one why question you keep circling that isn't giving you anything back? And if you swapped it for a how or a what question, what would you ask instead? Here are some examples. What do I need to do today to make this 5% easier? Who can help me carry this? What is the next right step? Not the whole staircase, not the ultimate goal. What is the next right step? Okay, clip two takes us into something. I think a lot of high functioning humans struggle with the relationship between output production and worthiness. Let's take a look. Be, I mean, like, your life is still life.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes, life is still lifeing.

[Danielle Ireland]

How in the midst of your lifing, how have you also continued to grow this. And I really want to know, like, what fueled your fire? Just tell me more about that story, please.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes, absolutely. So at the beginning of this, you know, when we started talking, you were very talking about how I'm sitting here smiling and I mean, I am fully. I am genuinely full of joy in this moment. And I think I know actually that comes from being in something like we have with Parent Empowerment Network, which has been truly its own huge, like, business. Right. We are called a nonprofit. But let me tell you, I mean, it is straight up, business is what it is in a lot of ways.

[Danielle Ireland]

And that's the worst possible name for a tax category because it's so confusing. Nonprofit doesn't mean no money, Right?

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Exactly. We do not exist for free. As great an idea as that sounds,

[Danielle Ireland]

I want that to be the slogan for every nonprofit. I just. Because we don't exist for free.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Right. You know, the whole you get what you pay for, it's. Yeah, that's a whole other conversation. We're not going to spend too much time there today.

[Danielle Ireland]

We should have a part two, then. There we go.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

I'm okay with that. All right, so for that, what I think the biggest lesson that has emerged from this journey just since we were, you know, you and I were talking a couple years ago when we were actually still called Charlotte's Hope foundation, which was our initial name.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Because we had an idea for something that was this big at the beginning and the name Charlotte's Hope foundation fit that in theory. But the thing I'm most proud of, my Emily Whiting, who's my co founder, fellow mom, fellow sister, fellow savior at time. The best thing we have done is allowed ourselves permission to grow and shrink as needed. And that's what we've done throughout this journey. It has not been a step process. There have been countless times where we have grown two or three steps been bigger. You know, working with international teams of surgeons, pulling together collaborations that have never been done. And then there have been times where we have pulled back and we haven't released an episode for six weeks. We have had maybe two or three social posts because our lives were on fire or just demanded all our attention, but it didn't mean we had to stop.

[Danielle Ireland]

I need to. Oh my gosh, I don't know how many of you listening or watching can relate to that. I. There is a relationship I have with the expansion and contraction of output where if I'm not putting something out, producing something, making something, that it really does a number on my sense of self worth and self esteem. And that is something that I'm still actively healing and repairing because I definitely know the facts. I know the really bumper stickery, self helpy sounding talk and I believe it. It's not that I, I don't hear it and think like, yeah, right. It's just that there's a more practiced version of me, right, that has just had more at bats operating in a certain way and then life in many ways rewards you for that.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

In theory.

[Danielle Ireland]

Theory. And I don't mean the like the laurels, like you get the, the kudos pat on the back. There is a cost, right? There is a cost. And I think in the I, this past year I wrote a children's book called Wrestling a Walrus. And this, the act of writing this book was something that I didn't realize that in the contraction or even like in the. I love the visual of the caterpillar becoming the butterfly. There's a two week process where the caterpillar is literally. We talk about the messy middle in this podcast. And thank you, Brene Brown, wherever you are, for creating language and context for us for this very conversation because so much of this is inspired by that. But that gooey mushy middle where it's not a butterfly, it's literally goo and it's.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Exactly.

[Danielle Ireland]

And but in that place, there is magic happening there. Even if it, even though it looks like a pile of shit, like it's there's magic happening there. I'll say. The impetus or the inspiration, the. It was tough moments with my daughter. Moments where I didn't feel like I was doing anything right. It. Like hitting the wrecking ball of being a parent of a toddler and a parent of an infant. Like that was.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

There's not enough grace in any space to help you go through that without serious, you know, support.

[Danielle Ireland]

I had some victim mentality at that point in time, even. And all things can be true at once. But all of that was what I experienced before I had the idea to write the book. And had I not had that experience, I wouldn't have been able to do that. Exactly. I don't think it would have been the same. And. And I promise this whole podcast isn't an ad for the book. But, like, I really believe in this damn book, and I love it so much. And I. I love that you talk about that expansion and contraction for yourself and that you doesn't. It doesn't mean you have to stop. Because I think a big reason why I maybe avoided picking up the torch again and doing this podcast, like, I left it for so long or I abandoned it for so long, or can I still do it? Like, all of that stuff and then. Yeah, it. Yeah. Doubt doesn't mean you're done. No. And taking a pause doesn't mean you're stopping forever. But, yeah, I mean, you can't just exhale forever. You can't just output. Like, you eventually have to breathe in.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Exactly.

[Danielle Ireland]

And that relationship is very necessary. And so, I mean, everything you're saying is exactly what I need. Thank you. Thank you.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

You're welcome. You're welcome. And that lesson doesn't come easily, but I think another element of that, you know, building off of what you were just talking about pain and discomfort and naturally shying away from it. I challenge anybody in life to just take a moment to consider pain as a potential teacher, as a professor, rather than pain as an enemy or pain as a destroyer. Right. If you ask yourself, why does this feel painful? Because how many times do we all experience in our life something that really gets under our skin? But whether it's a spouse or it's a friend or a coworker, and they seem totally unfazed by it. And that used to be something that bothered me.

[Danielle Ireland]

I was kind of like, what's.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Am I oversensitive? Or, like, what is my thing? And I grew up always hearing, not necessarily even from my parents, but I feel like teacher schools and stay by the bell Commercials about, find what you love in life and you'll never work a day in your life. And that was great in theory, but I'm a very eclectic person.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yep.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

I love a lot. And all I was getting was a lot of burnout.

[Danielle Ireland]

That's also like saying, like, love your kids and you'll never have a hard day with them in your life. You're like, no.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes.

[Danielle Ireland]

Oh, I love my kids. But, like, you know, oh, my gosh.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Kids are the greatest, hardest thing of life.

[Danielle Ireland]

Right, Right. But I think the same is true. Like, I never stopped loving this. Right. I don't always have control over the life around.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Right. But it's a. I think allowing things to be a part of you, not all of you, is really important. And I think it's so easy to define ourselves by that output. For me and Emily, the word is often an impact. Are we actually making an impact? And the thing that helped us become okay with hitting the pause button when we needed to and not officially throwing in the towel, don't get me wrong, there were conversations about it, but we were always very honest with each other, and we held each other accountable. That if you are feeling like this is not jiving with your life, if it's not jiving with you personally or it's not good for your family at this moment, let's hit the pause button to talk about it. But realizing that if we only help each other while working on this, Emily and I, that's helping our kids, that's helping our families, and there's a domino effect that goes from that. And if that's all we ever do, what's bad about that?

[Danielle Ireland]

You said something that I. It still stuck with me. And it will probably be the title of this episode, Pain is a Professor.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes, it is.

[Danielle Ireland]

And I want to go back to that, because something that I talk about in my sessions a lot is that your emotions never lie to you. No, your thoughts are very different. Yes, your thoughts can go a. Now, granted, we need to think. Critical thinking is important. We probably need more critical thinking. But thoughts happen to us all day, every day, constantly. I don't remember what the statistic is. I think we have roughly, like, eight thoughts a minute. Something like that.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

I'm surprised it's not. Maybe it's just adhd. And that could be too.

[Danielle Ireland]

Like, yeah, there. Maybe there's a spectrum. Maybe it's eight to 80 thoughts a minute, give or take. Give or take a hundred. But. So thoughts happen to us. Now we can certainly consciously choose what to focus on and what we but thinking happens. The emotions are in response to what we're thinking and believing.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Exactly.

[Danielle Ireland]

And they never lie. And I. But something you said, like pain. As a professor, I like the thought that emotions are energy in motion and they always have something for you to learn. There's something for every emotion, there is something it wants you to know. Okay. If you need permission to breathe, consider it crancid. And this section hits because I think of what so many of us were taught, directly and indirectly, that if we are not producing, we're falling behind. Like there is some imaginary line, like on a football game, that's drawn that just keeps. We have to keep inching further and further and getting more plays. And I don't know why I'm referencing sports. Maybe because the super bowl just happened. Because I. Anyone who's listened to this podcast for a while knows I am not a sports fanatic. So maybe I should find a different metaphor. I digress. But slowing down through this paradigm can be seen as a character flaw, which of course, it is not. And so here is the reframe I want to offer you. A pause is not proof that you're failing. A pause is often proof that you are listening. You are listening to something really important, and it's time to pay attention. So where could you be asking yourself to expand when what you actually really need to do is inhale and pause? Just breathe. Where are you asking yourself for more when what may be required of you is a little less? And what would it look like to treat the contraction as part of the cycle, not the end of your story? So the expansion and contraction, where is that contraction part of your cycle, not the end of your story? Because you can't exhale forever. You can't just keep giving and giving and giving. We were never meant to. And side note, I don't know why this feels so apropos, but my daughter has recently found a bag of balloons and wants my husband and I to blow them up all the time. And we run out of air and we feel lightheaded and it's uncomfortable and mildly annoying and also charming, but it is literally impossible to exhale forever. Okay, clip three is one of my favorite nervous system truths, and it is so simple that it almost makes me upset that we don't talk about it more. So I'm gonna replay this clip for you here. You can revisit it anytime you need. Without further ado, here's the third clip a couple of different times. And this is to. To reference Dr. Martha Beck again. She has done a lot of incredible work in the last couple years where a way to step out of anxiety is not to try to access calm. Because we talked about going for a walk, Right. So. Because as much as I love these big conversations, it can be sometimes, like, what is something tangible I can't actually hold onto. So walking was something we talked about. Community and connection was something else we talked about. But art. I want to talk about that for a moment because that is what my book was for me. It was. I created something that only that felt like it was to serve me. The process of interacting with that idea was so delightful and so delicious and so fun that I was like, I feel like I'm just the luckiest person that, like, this is. I get to play with this thing and it wants to play with me. And I don't feel that all the time. Like, sometimes it's origami or doodling or coloring with my daughter. But to go back to Dr. Martha Beck's work, that the opposite of anxiety is not calm. It's creativity.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Oh, I love that.

[Danielle Ireland]

And you have by default, really spoken through, like, just healing through creating.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Oh, absolutely.

[Danielle Ireland]

And also, there's something about Cause calm. There's something about calm that, like, we must be still. And granted, I love meditation, but, like, I must be still. I must be calm. But when you are holding something that is buzzing and shaking or heavy or hot, like, just some emotions are hot. Like you. It's like you want to move it through your hands or your words or your body and make something. And you made me. She made me this bracelet before we started this episode. So, like, it feels like you have a relationship with creativity too.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

A hundred percent. Creativity is a lifeline. And I feel like the most chaotic moments of my life have been the least. I'm my least creative. And I think it's a really valuable, tangible thing for anybody to take from this conversation is if you are feeling out of control, lean into something as simple as. I'm obsessed with those adult. Like the coloring book.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes, yes.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

You know, for adults to have, like, tons of different, like, lines all over the place that you have to be, like, really specific to keep the marker in there. It can't. I do get a little bugged when it, like, bleeds over to the next section, but it's okay. I know I'm working through my stressors at that moment. But yes, giving yourself a creative outlet. It's like taking a big drink of water after you've been exercising and you are so parched and I also agree that calm sounds great in theory, but for me, I feel like the more important. Like, the word that's become more important or I'm better able to absorb is the idea of, am I grounded? Are my feet touching the ground? I can still have a lot going on, but when I'm, like, rising higher, you know, off the ground, because, like, I'm like a bird at this point, just flapping my arms so fast. Right. That I'm actually taking flight. I'm not in my best head space. But when I can just take a moment to literally just ground myself, make sure that my feet are. Whether it's in the grass or sit down, like, then a conversation with a friend, somebody who really knows you, is a great moment for that. It's a great way to remind you who you are is somebody else sometimes. I talk all the time about the value of when you can connect with somebody who feels with you, not just for you. Oh, my gosh. It makes the world so much lighter and goodness.

[Danielle Ireland]

I mean, that's probably. If I could have answered the question I asked you a little bit ago. What's something that you could have. If I could have told my former therapist self, like, when I. That when I first started. You're there to hold space for people to feel and feel with them.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Right.

[Danielle Ireland]

You're not there.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

It's sacred.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yeah, it's. There's nothing. One. It's like, there's nothing I can tell someone who's deeply in pain that they're actually gonna. No, that's. The words are just, like. Right.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

It's just noise.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yeah. And not to take anything. I'm sure I have clients who have been impacted by words. But having a safe space to feel your feelings free of judgment is one of the reasons why I love journaling so much. But also doing that in communion with another human. Right. Who expects nothing of you. I love. Elizabeth Gilbert has language. I love. Like, there's no precious outcome. I can. That I can sit and have space with you, or I can make plans with you or be. And there's no precious outcome. You don't have to perform for me. Right. You don't have to be anything for me. Like, we can just be. That is. What a gift.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes, that is. I just want to. This conversation has inspired way too many thoughts, but in the best way. But something that hit me. And then I think we could absolutely move on to this. The cut your bangs question. But what I've realized, even in our conversation, is that logic is not loud. Our emotions are loud and they get louder and louder. The more we push them back, the more we ignore them. Think of your kids. When they need your attention because they deserve your attention, they do. The best thing we can do is acknowledge those emotions. And just. Even if it's as simple as it's totally understandable. I feel this way right now. That is such a freeing sentence. Of course I feel this way right now. That was some serious shit that I just went through. Yeah, of course I feel. And it doesn't have to make sense when those feelings hit, the timing. A lot of times, feelings for me, I've found, won't hit until I'm in a safe space much further down the road.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And it's like being T boned, like, totally out of the blue.

[Danielle Ireland]

But that's also what happens to kids when they have tantrums. They'll hold. And then when they're finally either home at the end of the day or something, when the container is so full and they're finally in a place where they feel safe, they'll erupt over an orange peel not being peeled correctly or a banana not being peeled correctly. Oh, God. It's not that.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Don't even start me on string cheese.

[Danielle Ireland]

Oh, God. Parenting is fun.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

The best.

[Danielle Ireland]

But. No, but you're right. Sometimes I think that's probably why I cry almost with, like, every movie and TV show I watch, because the emotions are just always right there and I just need a place to let it trickle out. Right.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And that's okay. And I think, but just not judging ourselves for feelings. And then I think once we give that space for the feelings, the sooner we can do that, the sooner that logic, you know, like you mentioned multiple times, I know this. Then you give logic the space that it needs to speak to you in a calm and quiet manner that you can actually trust. And that's where I think that those gut feelings truly come from. Those inner knowings are when you've allowed space for the emotions first, giving them their due. So then the logic can start to talk to you because it's never going to yell for your attention.

[Danielle Ireland]

Oh.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And I think we want it to, but that's not the way it works. And that's okay.

[Danielle Ireland]

A lot of times things make sense in hindsight. Oh, gosh.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Hindsight 20 20, always.

[Danielle Ireland]

South park has a great episode of People. If you have just like a dark sense of humor and you want to laugh, there's a character called Captain Hindsight. And it's really fun, funny. So, yeah, a lot of times things don't make sense until we're a little bit more removed from them. And some what I have found to be helpful. I've noticed you using your hands and I find when I am, when my mind is really active and I need it to stop or slow down or I just, I'll sometimes even throw my hands up and I'll say and, and even saying I'm feeling something and just to myself in my kitchen because I'm almost always, because I work from home, I'm either like in my office or in my kitchen. Like I'm feeling something. Okay, if you have been listening to this episode or to this podcast and your mind has been loud, because the world has been loud, the news is loud, people are spiraling, suffering. You've been doom scrolling and overthinking and then trying to turn on a meditation app to bring yourself back to balance. If you haven't been succeeding at that. Friends, friends, friends, friends. You are not alone. You pull up a chair. You're in good company. So here's the thing to remember. The opposite of anxiety is not calm. It is creativity. So before you roll your eyes or write this off or hop back into your to do list, I just want to remind you it doesn't mean you have to write a novel. It doesn't mean you have to become a poet or, you know, get your hands messy in finger pains. Although finger paints might be the perfect thing for you. Here's some suggestions. Simple, tangible suggestions. You can color for five minutes whenever I actually let myself slow down and color with my kids, even if it's only for two minutes doing chicken scratch. There is something that settles in my mind and my body. You can make a playlist on Spotify and share it with a friend or just enjoy it yourself on a walk. You can rearrange a bookshelf. You can cook something simple that all feels really good or add a new spice. You can doodle on a scrap piece of paper. You can write one honest paragraph on a again, a scratch piece of paper or a journal. You can go outside and look at the sky and just remove the ceiling from your view. That counts. That all counts. And one quick reflection question for you. What is one tiny creative action that you could take this week that would actually help you feel more centered in the seat of yourself and can actually help you feel a little bit more present in your life? This isn't meant to be a fix. This isn't meant to be a bypass. This is just meant to be something that we move through together. We've got this. And now we're gonna go into our final clip of the episode, and then we're gonna. All right, my loves, we did it. I just want to say thanks again to Ashlyn for everything she does, all the good that she puts in the world. I'm so excited to have her back and to continue this conversation with her and with us all together. And just as a gentle, friendly reminder, if you are in a season where you feel like you are just treading water or just trying to keep your head above water, that counts. You're doing great. And I needed to hear it because January came and went as a blip, and I feel like my brain is just starting to wrap around the fact that we're in a new year. And I definitely stumbled into 2026, literally and metaphorically. I felt like I stumbled in. My sprained ankle is healing, by the way. Just a little casual update there. If you're doing the bare minimum, that counts. If you're showing up imperfectly, still trying and learning and breathing, that counts too. You don't have to become someone else to deserve 10. You don't have to become someone else to deserve tenderness. You don't have to earn your love by being productive. And you are allowed to be a full human. Messy, brilliant, tired, hopefully all of it. You're allowed to be all of those things. And if you took anything from today, let it be this. Your pain doesn't get to decide your worth, and your nervous system deserves care, not criticism. Also, I am so excited that Ashlyn's gonna be back with our pod. Swap more. I'll keep you posted in all of the fun details with that and make sure that you're invited to this conversation. If you have a question that you want Ashlyn or I to answer in that podcast episode, please email me. And I sincerely mean this. Email me at danielleanielireland.com Subject line Bangs and just hit us up with a question or a story we we can get on a riff if you didn't already get that from this recap episode. So I want to invite you in this conversation with us. Send us your questions or you can DM me if you follow me on social media. Don't cut your own bangs on Instagram, it's don't cut your own bangs on TikTok. Daniel Ireland on LinkedIn, you can hit me up in all the places. Just make sure that you add in the subject line that it's for the pod and I will answer your question. Thank you for being here. If this episode felt like a deep breath. Please share it with someone that you think that might need it too, and I'll see you next time on don't cut your own bangs. Ashlyn, I would love to hear your don't cut your own bang moment.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Oh, my goodness. I think that there's probably a plethora

[Danielle Ireland]

of them, of course.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

And let's see here. I'm even. I tried to have one prepared, and then I got excited about the rest of our conversation.

[Danielle Ireland]

Oh, my gosh. Don't worry. Okay, I'll share one. So what's a good don't a good. Oh. I invited my husband to record a podcast with me because I thought it would just be fun to bring him back on. And what I realized was I didn't prepare him for it at all. I just set up lights and set up a camera and asked him to sit. And he was so visibly. Like, he was trying. He was sitting there, he was trying, but I could just tell again, something's happening. And I could tell he was a little uncomfortable and a little stiff. And I kept. Because our eyes look out. My first assumption is, what's wrong out there? And I was like, are you okay? What's wrong? And he. He was like, I don't really know what I'm supposed to be doing. And then I was like, oh, no, no. It was snip the bangs. I didn't provide any context. I didn't give him any preparation for what we'd be talking about, why we were talking. Like, he had no context. And the whole setup is different. And it was such a humbling, settling moment of context. It's. I'm writing something right now about this idea of play. I'm a freedom loving, freedom seeking, play hungry, greedy person. Right now. I want more play. I could never get enough. But what makes play feel fun and safe is to understand the context. There's rules in a game. Otherwise, what is it? And I. My first instinct is to buck rules. I don't like ingredient lists. I don't like recipes. I just want to feel my way through it. But if you want to make a beautiful croissant, you can't just feel your way through that. There's a very exacting way to do it. And so it. It was such a one. I'm endlessly grateful for him and his patience with me. I'm grateful that our dynamic's not new. So he probably knew what was going on, but just. Yeah, he's pretty sweet that way. But I. It was such a refresher that if I want to create a space and container to play safely with people, I need to give them the context.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Absolutely.

[Danielle Ireland]

And it doesn't matter how long I've known someone, how well I know some. I laughed at myself because the part of the reason why it feels funny to me but in like a humbling way I thought the problem was him. For like the first 15 minutes I

[Ashlyn Thompson]

was like, dude, relax.

[Danielle Ireland]

I was like, what is he doing? Right? Yeah, like come on. And I was like, oh, no context.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Oh my goodness. That was a great one.

[Danielle Ireland]

Thank you.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Okay, I'm gonna do mine in like short seconds because this one just happened.

[Danielle Ireland]

This.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

That inspired me perfectly. So my 8 year old son and I are both going to the same therapist right now. I'm a believer. Everybody should have at least an annual checkup with a therapist.

[Danielle Ireland]

But that's a great endorsement. Everyone should be having an annual checkup.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Reach out to Danielle. She's fantastic.

[Danielle Ireland]

If you live in Indiana, by all means. If not, we'll help you find someone.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Yes. And also order the book. Yes.

[Danielle Ireland]

Order the book. Get resting the walrus. Get treasured. Yes. But go.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

So anyway, one of the things that my I. The reason I love the person we're working with is because she's the first therapist I've worked with when it comes to with my kids. She actually tells me what I can work on rather than just you're doing the best you can and like you just love them and like yes, I know, but that is not helping me. And so one of the things that got pointed out to me was so Cole has very low frustration tolerance, like more so than is necessarily healthy for an 8 year old. And of course with all the trauma with his sister, our journey, it's understandable. So we're working on that. What she kindly pointed out to me was, okay, we could work on his. But do you also realize that your tolerance for acceptable emotions is about this big? Oh, therapist must be therapisting. Uh huh. She's. But there's like a whole lot more emo. Like she's. It's like a whole rainbow. We need a whole arc for acceptable emotions.

[Danielle Ireland]

She's.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

So you need to stop making it your responsibility to control which emotions he experiences. And it's up to you to provide the solid ground for him no matter which emotion comes up for him. And I will say that has changed my parenting in the last week more than maybe anything has. Like faster than anything. Because all of a sudden I'm like, of course it's acceptable that his sister Just made him extremely mad. Of course, it's understandable that he's jealous or sad or excited or whatever the feeling is. But it also doesn't define him as right or wrong. What emotions he's experiencing in that moment. And the big thing was the realization that every emotion he experiences is not a direct reflection of who I am as a parent.

[Danielle Ireland]

No.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Because that was what I needed to let go of that. Any emotion that is considered negative that my child has doesn't mean that I'm doing a bad job as a parent.

[Danielle Ireland]

Oh, my God. That is one. What a beautiful.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Don't worry, Dr. Sarah.

[Danielle Ireland]

Yes, thank you, Dr. Sarah. You'd be therapizing all up in that session. That was so good. And it's the. That to me is a great example that hard truths can always be delivered with kindness. But I think the big important thing there is you had the right context.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

Exactly.

[Danielle Ireland]

You went to her for that information. It wasn't like someone on the street. But the thing that. We can't give someone what we don't have. Exactly. And I actually think that what you just said, if there was ever an endorsement for what self care actually is. The commoditized. Right. Faux sense of I'm going to create a problem and I'm going to prescribe collagen. Did you know that the reason why blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah is these things that you need to buy and, oh, my program for blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm good. I have all that stuff. I'm not. I'm one. I want to keep it in perspective. I am drinking the same Kool Aid because I'm getting sent the same algorithm ads that we're all getting sent. Like, I'm doing colostrum now. I don't even know. Like, I just. Because I was like my gut microbiome. But anyway. But I think self care and the best possible context is when you nurture and heal yourself, it becomes the medicine and the offering for the other people in your life that you love most. It's like as you increase your own palette of what you're able to allow yourself to experience, you're then also able to see it in your son and give it to him. That is so beautiful. All right, my loves. We made it all the way to the end. Thank you so much for being here with me in this episode revisiting this conversation with Ashlyn Thompson. I am thrilled that we are going to be having her back very soon for a pod swap from the Parent Empowerment Network. Don't cut your own bangs community. Anybody that wants to hit us up with some questions, please, please do so. The best things in life are shared, and I love. I love answering people's questions. I do it pretty much all the time in. In my. In my work, my day as a therapist. But it's also fun to be able to do it from a different lens and a different framework here on the podcast. So if anything in this episode struck you and you want to take it further or, you know, to be perfectly fair, Ashlyn and I can get a little tangential. So if there was an idea we didn't fully flesh out that you want to just know a little bit more about, that counts, too. You can email me at danielleanielireland.com subject line Bangs. Or you can DM me on social media. Don't cut your own bangs on Instagram and TikTok. You can follow me there or Daniel Ireland on LinkedIn. All of the ways you can reach me. I'm going to be so thrilled to hear from you. I know Ashlyn will, too. And just one final thought before we wrap up for the day. You deserve call. Without having to earn it. You are allowed to rest. The wisdom of your body is talking to you all the time. And if you're in a season of life where you don't need calm, you're like, I don't need to worry so much about being creative to reduce anxiety. I'm thriving. Girl. That's fabulous. Yes, please. Like, I wanna know more about what you're doing, but if you feel like, hey, I need to squeak by with the bare minimum, and I need that to be okay. I need to just allow Bluey to be on a loop for an entire weekend because I don't have the energy to be entertaining chicken nuggets third night in a row. Yep, that's gonna be dinner. Like, whatever your version of the bare minimum is, just know it is. Okay. Cause I can guarantee you this. You're doing so much better than you think. You're doing so much more than you know. And you're not alone. Thank you for being here with the don't cut your bangs community. I am thrilled as ever to have you and can't wait to see you next week. Oh, and wish me luck on my cruise. Fingers crossed. See you next time.

[Thrive Cosmetics Announcer]

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[Danielle Ireland]

All.

[Ashlyn Thompson]

As a growing family, my husband and I love game night, especially when it's Wayfair edition.

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[Ashlyn Thompson]

Sofas, bar stools, beds, ottomans, outdoor seating, bookshelves, kitchen tables, garden sheds, mid century modern lamps.

[Danielle Ireland]

Time. Nice.

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[Danielle Ireland]

A lot.

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