Don't Cut Your Own Bangs

Episode: “Saying the Name, Sharing the Story: Jessica Fein on Grief & Love”

Host: Danielle Ireland
Guest: Jessica Fein
Date: November 10, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode invites listeners into a candid, heartfelt, and surprisingly uplifting exploration of grief, loss, and the healing power of storytelling and creativity. Host Danielle Ireland sits down with writer, speaker, and “reluctant grief expert” Jessica Fein. Through Jessica’s personal story — marked by profound family losses and the terminal illness of her daughter, Dalia — the conversation challenges the taboos around grief, reveals its complexity, and celebrates the unexpected beauty and connection that can emerge from pain.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Introducing Jessica Fein – a Reluctant Grief Expert

[02:54-07:44]

• Danielle outlines that Jessica has lived through what most people instinctively recoil from: the recurring, layered trauma of losing loved ones.
• Jessica explains the “reluctant expert” label: her insights come from lived experience, not academic specialization.

  “Mine is a lived experience. In certain ways, at least, that can be the most compelling and the most relatable.” – Jessica, [07:44]

• Early tragedies: losing her sister Nomi suddenly at 27, years of infertility, and the eventual diagnosis of her daughter Dahlia with a degenerative disease.

2. Naming Loss and Rejecting Isolation

[07:44-16:35]

• Jessica stresses how saying the names of loved ones lost is vitally important in grief.
• Discusses how grief is often othered or “bristled at” in our culture, with distancing phrases like “I can’t imagine.”

  “The best example of that is what people say all the time, which is, ‘I can’t imagine.’... You’re saying you don’t want to imagine, because of course you can.” – Jessica, [15:02]

• Danielle notes that true comfort comes from honest presence, not platitudes.

  “The truth...like capital T, is always safer. Even saying, 'I don’t know what to say,' that’s the very best thing.” – Danielle, [15:50]

3. Layers of Grief and Reconciling Reality with Expectations

[16:56-21:08]

• Jessica revisits infertility struggles (25 procedures over five years, surrogacy, and adoption) and how these losses compounded her grief.
• The clash between what she imagined life would be—sisters always together, a typical family growth, healthy children—and what unfolded.

  “I think for me, it is trying to be in the what is, not the what could have been...And that’s really hard for me.” – Jessica, [19:38]

• Still shocked anew at the loss of both sisters; grief runs on parallel tracks with daily life.

4. Allowing Joy to be Louder Than Sorrow

[21:17-24:43]

• Danielle reads a quote from Jessica’s writing about allowing joy to eclipse sorrow.

  “To allow joy to be louder than sorrow.” – Jessica’s quote, [21:17]

• Jessica clarifies — this is not toxic positivity. She learned from Dalia to embrace what remains, find beauty, and hold space for happiness even when devastated.

  “What she showed me is that you can be happy even when you’re decimated.” – Jessica, [23:21]

5. Dalia’s Story – The Power of Creativity and Presence

[24:10-31:22]

• Dahlia’s degenerative disease took away her basic faculties, including the ability to eat at age nine.
• The family stopped having dinners together to avoid pain; later, Dalia’s love of cooking rekindled family meals.

  “She comes home and she reaches into her backpack and she pulls out four individually wrapped chocolate chip cookies—‘for each of you.’...We realized when you think about food and cooking and family dinners, it’s not really about eating.” – Jessica, [25:49]

• Adapting to Dalia’s needs required constant learning, flexibility, and acceptance of help from a devoted medical team.

  “We were the Dalia experts.” – Jessica, [32:29]

6. Navigating Grief Within the Family

[28:05-30:47]

• Dahlia’s illness affected her siblings in very different ways, from playful adaptation to deeper struggle and caregiving roles.

7. The Power of Storytelling and Creativity in Grief

[34:24-44:43]

• Jessica’s survival kit for grief includes creativity and writing. For her, writing brought control, catharsis, and connection.

  “Writing...gave me an opportunity to control some of the narrative...and it allowed me to share my story.” – Jessica, [35:19]

• The podcast and her book "Breathtaking" have helped make others “feel less alone.”

  “One of the most beautiful things somebody said to me...‘I felt like somebody was holding my hand.’” – Jessica, [36:41]

• Danielle compares isolation from grief to childhood neglect: the greatest wound comes from not being seen. Storytelling breaks the “loneliness epidemic.”
• Jessica’s new writing project explores how we connect with those we've lost — via science, ritual, spirit, and more.

  “I’m taking this on with a journalist mindset, a mother’s tenacity, and a griever’s aching heart.” – Jessica, [41:13]

• Both assert that creativity is not optional; it’s a vital part of healing and well-being.

  “Creativity won’t be optional. It really needs to be seen as mandatory...like brushing your teeth.” – Danielle, [44:35]

8. Community and Corners of Beauty

[43:25-44:40]

• Jessica describes her new “Writer’s Salon” — a community for sharing and fostering creativity — as a corner of beauty.
• Encourages listeners to find or create their own small pockets of beauty and connection.

9. Don’t Cut Your Own Bangs Moment – Humor in the Messy Middle

[45:08-48:17]

• Jessica recounts a lighthearted “don’t cut your own bangs” moment: joining a boot camp fitness class after seeing her neighbor’s success, only to realize it was a terrible fit.

  “I thought we were in it...that was just the warmup!” – Jessica, [47:24] “Find the one that works for you, not the one that works for your fit, beautiful neighbor.” – Jessica, [47:35]

• Emphasizes dropping unrealistic comparisons, both in fitness and in life.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Grief & Imagination:

  “When you say [‘I can’t imagine’] you are putting up a wall… There’s so many other things that you might say instead that open a conversation.” — Jessica, [15:02]

• Permission to Just Be Present:

  “The truth...is always safer. Even saying, 'I don’t know what to say,' that’s the very best.” — Danielle, [15:50]

• The Everydayness of Grief:

  “Grief is the loneliest thing. And we have a loneliness epidemic. That’s a place where we can come together.” — Jessica, [38:10]

• You Can Be Happy Even When Decimated:

  “What she showed me is that you can be happy even when you’re decimated.” — Jessica, [23:21]

• Creativity Is Mandatory:

  “Creativity won’t be optional. It really needs to be seen as mandatory...like brushing your teeth.” — Danielle, [44:35]

Timestamps for Major Segments

• [01:07] – Introduction and context for conversation
• [07:44] – Jessica’s background and “reluctant expert” origin
• [09:32] – Dalia’s diagnosis and family journey
• [15:02] – Cultural awkwardness about grief; “I can’t imagine”
• [19:38] – Reconciling expectations with reality in loss
• [24:10] – Dalia’s food story: joy amidst physical loss
• [32:29] – Parenting a medically complex child; Dalia expertise
• [34:24] – Writing, creativity, and Jessica’s survival kit
• [41:13] – Jessica’s next book: connecting with the lost
• [43:25] – Community as a form of “corner of beauty”
• [45:08] – Jessica’s don’t cut your own bangs (boot camp) story
• [48:17] – Closing thoughts on self-care and creativity

Tone, Takeaways, and Final Thoughts

Danielle and Jessica’s dialogue is warm, incisive, gently humorous, and honest about the pain and absurdity of loss. Their message: Grief is not something to be fixed or feared — it is a universal, connective human experience. Naming our losses, sharing our stories, and expressing creativity can turn isolation into community. Joy and humor are as real and vital as sorrow, even in the depths of loss.

Actionable Encouragement:

• Say the names of your loved ones who are gone.
• Don’t shy away from your feelings—name them.
• Seek or create community, even small “corners of beauty.”
• Try creative expression—even if it’s messy or new.
• Allow for joy without guilt, and humor in heaviness.
• Skip the comparisons—whether in healing, fitness, or family.
• If you don’t know what to say to someone grieving, just show up and be real.

For More:

• Jessica’s book: “Breathtaking: A Memoir of Family Dreams and Broken Genes”
• The Writer’s Salon community
• Danielle’s resources: The Treasured Journal & “Wrestling a Walrus”