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Not enough versus too much. They're actually the same story. Too much and not enough are two sides of the same wound. Have you ever had the thought, I'm too much, I talk too much, I feel too much, I need too much. And then almost immediately, I'm not enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm not interesting enough, I'm not lovable enough. And somehow you're holding both of those at the exact same time. Today I want to talk about that. Because those two thoughts, they're not opposites. They're actually the same story. And neither are true. Welcome back to don't cut your own banks, the podcast that lives in that space between. I think I have it all together. And the why does this feel harder than it should? I'm Danielle Ireland, a therapist, storyteller and someone who works with high functioning humans with big feelings who are really good at showing up for everyone else and not always great at listening to themselves. And today we're talking about the tug of war between I'm too much and I'm not enough. What it actually means, where it comes from, and how to start stepping out of it. Let me show you what this looks like. You're in a meeting, you have an idea. In one version, you don't say it because what if it's stupid? In another version, you jump in too fast, you interrupt, you over explain. Because I need them to know that I belong here. It's the same moment, the same room, same you. Two completely different behaviors driven by the same fear. Here's what connects I'm too much and I'm not enough. The belief that says, if you really saw me, I wouldn't be chosen. Oh, that is a punch in the gut, right? I wrote it, I'm saying it right now, and my body still responds to it. It's hard. So what do we do? We perform. We become easier, more agreeable, more impressive, more palatable. Or. Or we disapprove completely, but either way, we're not actually being known. And the cost of that profound loneliness, you lose access to yourself. Because if you don't know how you feel, you don't know what you want. If you don't know what you want or believe that you deserve it, you don't ask for it. And if you don't ask for it, you don't give it. And that's how people end up living lives that may look full from afar, but up close and inside, they feel empty, like a milk chocolate bunny on Easter. And this right here, this is why having A place to process matters. Because if you don't have somewhere for your thoughts and feelings to go, they don't disappear. They just get louder or harder to ignore or harder to numb. And that's a big part of why I created the Treasure Journal. Journaling is not about writing the right thing. It's about creating space where you can actually hear yourself clearly without editing, without minimizing, without talking yourself out of it. And then there's my children's book, Wrestling a Walrus, which, honestly, is just as much for adults as it is for kids. Trust me, I thought I was writing it for my kids, but in reality, it was for me. It's about what it looks like to sit with big feelings instead of fighting them, and how to understand what's happening inside of you without feeling completely overwhelmed by it all. So if this episode is hitting something for you, those are just two really gentle places to start. And you could find both in my show notes. Take what serves you and leave what doesn't. So here's where we start. Not with fixing everything, but with one honest question. Where am I abandoning myself right now? Now, this is where the tricky little lies can slip in. Am I saying yes when I mean no? Am I minimizing what I feel? Am I performing instead of being honest? And actually, I think it could be really helpful to slow this down with you for a second, because this is one of those moments where journaling can be really powerful. Or even taking this process on a walk and thinking it through, talking it through with a trusted friend. Not in like a Dear Diary kind of way, but I. I need to actually hear myself for a second kind of way. So if you can write, great, do it. If not, just think it through. But I want you to try asking yourself, what am I avoiding? If I could wave a magic wand and feel 20% braver, what might I have done differently? And now this is the important one. What did I actually need in that moment? And then what could it look like to honor that, knowing even 1% 1 degree more next time? That's it. No fixing, no perfect answers. Just an attempt at honesty between you and you. So here's my best attempt at doing this process. I have been avoiding letting go of some blazers in my closet. And you may think, well, that's not earth shattering, but they're in a position in my closet where every time I walk in, they're so visible. And every time I look at them, I feel like I don't really need them anymore. But I'm starting to book More speaking events. I want to be professional. I want to be taken seriously as a professional. If I were 20% braver, I would let myself change my style, even my professional style, to a version that reflects who I am now. My body now, my tastes now. But this older version of me that wore the blazers is still holding onto. But this is what professional people wear. And in those moments, all I need to do is notice the thought, pay attention to how often I think the same thing. And if I just notice and I don't judge, I know that I usually make changes faster when I'm not judging myself. I think that a 1% version of honoring this, knowing now could look like me giving one blazer away to dress for success, or even moving all of them to a new spot. Or I'm not seeing them all the time. And then maybe set an alarm reminder in my calendar to see did you even notice they were gone? The little sticky practices or the little sticky places where we're wanting to apply something. Sometimes entering into a new approach, a new practice, or a new way of being in a seemingly lower stakes place in your life, like clothing, like your wardrobe, like something in your kitchen. I like that because working in mental health, working with emotions, sometimes the fear is if I. If I open up this new way of trying something, it's going to explode my marriage. I'm going to have to dramatically change careers. Everything that matters to me is going to shift. And looking for a small, gentle entry point into work like this. One, it could take some pressure off. But two, what it also helps me access is there's some fun and potential levity. And I could actually be making space in my closet for one, clothes I actually want to wear, and two, falling in love with getting dressed again. And that may be trying to make something much deeper out of something simple, like clothing in a closet. But what I firmly believe to be true is the way that we do one thing reflects how we do many things, if not everything. I am in a season of light that you could say started around the time I started having kids, around the time I decided I wanted to shift into this career as a therapist, leaving dance behind and performing behind. I'm talking about blazers. But if we really peel the layers back, if we really look under the hood is representing not just clothing, but what that moment in time was for me. And if I'm also really honest, those blazers represent who I thought I needed to be. I don't even think they ever really were true to who I was. And getting some of that out who knows what it could invite for me. And now it went from something I was afraid of and kind of avoiding to something I'm a little bit more excited about. If you want more prompts like this, then this is exactly the kind of work I share each week on my substack. It's slower. It's a space to actually sit with this stuff. You can join me there. The link is in the show notes. Here is what I really want you to understand. You are not too much. You are someone with needs that haven't been fully honored yet. And also your needs change throughout the course of your life and throughout the many seasons of life. We wouldn't look at an orchid and tell it it needs to let us treat it like a cactus. Or we could, but it wouldn't be an effective strategy for life. And it's gonna lead to a dead plant. It needs certain conditions to thrive and so do you. So you don't come with a care card, but you do have something, your emotions. And honestly, this is the kind of work I love. I love bringing this work into real rooms because hearing it is one thing, or watching it on YouTube is one thing, but sitting in a room where you feel the shift, that's different. A real life version of this podcast with more laughter, more eye contact, a gentle reset in real life. The next time you catch yourself thinking I'm too much or I'm not enough, I want you to remember this. You're not the problem. You're a person. You're a person with an invisible care card that's letting you know, by what you think and how you feel, what it is you really, really want or what it is you really, really need. A person who likely hasn't fully been listened to yet. A person who deserves all the sunlight, love, and care. And that person is you. If this episode resonated, send it to someone else who might also be stuck in that in between. And if you're navigating big feelings in a very full life, you are exactly who this space is for. You don't need to become someone new. You just need space and time to come back to yourself. I'll see you next time. And in the meantime, put down the scissors and don't cut your own legs.