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Don't Cut Your Own Bangs
What is your frustration telling you? A solocast.
00:19:53
In this solo episode of 'Don't Cut Your Own Bangs,' Danielle Ireland dives deep into the often overwhelming world of frustration. With recent personal anecdotes, Danielle tells you how to interpret and process frustration to improve relationships with...
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Ever notice how ads always pop up at the worst moments when the killer's identity is about to be revealed during that perfect meditation flow? On Amazon Music, we believe in keeping you in the moment. That's why we've got millions of ad free podcast episodes so you can stay completely immersed in every story, every reveal, every breath. Download the Amazon music app and start listening to your favorite podcasts. Ad free included with Prime. Hello, hello, this is Danielle Ireland and you are catching an episode of don't cut your own bangs. A solo cast. A little snack cast. Man, I just had a frustrating situation happen. And frustration happens if you are alive on this earth and interacting with other people, places and or things. So nouns. If you're interacting with this world, you are going to feel this emotion, you're going to have this experience frustration. And so I thought, let me hop on, let me channel this energy into something productive because it always makes me feel better about it. And we're going to process in real time. So let's talk about frustration. Talk about what frustration is telling you what you can do about it, how you can process or explore it through a conversation or a journal. Using emotions and interpreting them like information, because they are our emotions are our internal compass, our internal guidance system. And the way we emotionally respond to life is information that is, it's like a roadmap guiding us through the next right step. So together we're going to talk about what frustration is, what you can do about it, what it could be telling you. I'll share a little bit about what my frustration was recently, and I have another example too, that's a little less fresh. But I think we can get conceptual, but then we also need to see it in context to really understand it. Frustration is always telling you something. It is always telling you something. It's never standing alone. You're never just frustrated. There is always I am frustrated because I'm frustrated and feeling blank. It's always informing something every single time. Oftentimes, especially if we're talking about relationships, frustration is generally connected with either the other person, this other person didn't meet a need that they did or didn't know you had, and that's fricking frustrating. But either way, the frustration still stands. So it can either be informing something about a relationship, someone canceling plans, someone changing plans last minute, someone no showing someone ghosting you and not talking to you, or somebody maybe making jokes that you don't find particularly funny, using sarcasm as a way to avoid having a real conversation. These are the examples that are fresher in my mind, but you can expand upon it in your own. Then there's also within frustration, there's the external interpretation, and then there's also an internal one, which is I am not doing something necessary for me. I'm not speaking a truth out loud that needs to be said. I am not either making time or space for myself in a way that's good for me. Sometimes frustration can come from the emotion for me. For example, I was just talking to my husband the other day about the last family trip we took. I experienced a lot of frustration on that trip and what I know now more than I did then. Again, frustration right before growth, right before expansion, right before clarity. Even though logically and cognitively I knew that this is a family trip, not a vacation, you may or may not get downtime for yourself, but you do have help and resources. So take the time where you can. Your kids are going to be okay. Everyone is going to have their own experience. It's not your job to make sure everybody is happy, fulfilled, and it's not your job to make sure that nobody feels any discomfort. But every 15 minutes I was up checking on the kids. I felt like I was the ticker time monitor of, okay, it's 30 minutes before snack, it's 45 minutes before nap. And so my mind could never turn off and I never felt rested. I didn't believe that there was a way that I could make time or space for myself. And I'll be honest, I didn't go into the trip thinking to myself that it is your job to make sure everyone is happy, comfortable and settled. But what I felt on the trip was this frustration, irritation. I was irritated at everyone, I was exhausted, I felt trapped. So I used the method that I'm going to talk about here to try to get a better look at what my frustration was informing, which has really empowered me for weekends with the family. Or it's made that I have had much better experiences since this particularly frustrating family trip because of what I now know through processing the frustration. I wanna share this one with you. So I'm feeling frustrated about blank, not getting time for myself, not being able to feel like I can step away, feeling like I have to be responsible all the time. I feel trapped. So the first thing is I'm frustrated about. And then you specify the element that is frustrating, then identify the emotion. I feel trapped. So when I sit with that and I get curious about the emotion of feeling trapped, well, where is that coming from? So this is another statement that I want to offer you that saying this aloud when the frustration as you're funneling through the process of understanding your frustration and what it could be informing for you. The thing that I like to say to myself in a journal or out loud is some version of this, make it your own. Knowing that I can never change other people and that I am the one who is responsible for me. I can, I want, I need, I will. And I use those sentence stems. But in some version of this process, after letting myself name the frustration exactly in the way I feel it, I'm frustrated at so and so for never seeming to pick up the pace when knowing what needs to happen with the kid's schedule. I'll be as specific as I need to be. I'll vent, complain, say it exactly how I feel it, and then ask the another layer, right? So there's, that's the Bob and then the lure. I feel trapped because if I really look at the truth of that, I'm. I'm not trapped. I'm at a family trip, at a resort, in many cases, if I really sit with that and open and access curiosity, there were many times where people were asking me, what do you need? Do you want to go do blank? Do you want to go do blank? And I was so caught up in my own narrative at the time that I felt trapped and I felt like I couldn't say yes. And so who's responsible for that? Me. I can hold the discomfort of accepting help. I want to have 30 minutes to read a book uninterrupted. I want to go for a walk by myself on the beach. I need to exercise the practice of identifying my needs before jumping in and rescuing. And I'm using air quotes here when I say rescuing, rescuing everybody from feeling any discomfort because that's not my job. And I will be a better steward for myself in these moments. And then I can. Even if I wanted to take that context into a conversation with somebody and brainstorm, okay, what could that look like in reality? So what would be a little commitment? Every morning I'm going to give myself this 15 minute block, this 20 minute block. I will commit to letting that be inconvenient for someone. The point is that your frustration is valid. Your frustration is real. It is being experienced by you. Therefore, the resolve, the action, the places you go, the conversations you have, or just the new informed way that you have of moving forward with that it's uniquely yours. That doesn't mean don't talk about it, don't share it with others, but it means that your frustration is yours and you are the steward of your well being. So taking that responsibility lovingly and kindly can really help what not only make you feel more free to move through the world in a way that actually serves you, it also makes you, I think, a safer partner, a safer friend, a safer ally, coworker to other people. Because the more you know that you can identify your own needs, the easier it is to communicate them and honor them. Even if I am the only one feeling frustrated by feeling trapped. Going back to my example, the other people on the trip, even though they didn't know how I was feeling, maybe they didn't even know I was frustrated, I'm sure they could tell I wasn't operating at my best. I might have been more clipped, more short, more tight smile. The way that I was showing up and interacting with other people was felt. So this goes back to. And I don't like the I need to think of a better example than this, but it is appropriate in this case, by not putting my mask on, I was losing air and it was sucking the air out of the interactions I was having with other people on this family trip. Putting my mask on first, taking care of myself and honestly honoring that there is room for me that it's okay for me to take up room in space, it's okay for my needs to be a priority before somebody else's. And so now, as we're planning our next family trip, David and I, I'm taking this context. I'm taking this memory, this experience and the old feeling of frustration. That discomfort was just strong enough for me to not forget it so that I remember to honor it in that way too. The discomfort of some of the, I'll say less yummy feeling emotions that they have their place to be honored in that they are uncomfortable in a way that makes you pay attention. And so my hope is always when I'm doing my own work, is how can I learn the lesson a little clearer, a little sooner, a little gentler? How can I become more in tune with the experience I'm having so that it doesn't have to get as uncomfortable as it got before? Ever wanted to start a journaling practice but didn't know where to start? Or if you've been journaling off and on your whole life, but you're like, I want to take this work deeper. I've got you covered. I've written a journal called A Journal for Unearthing you. It's broken down into seven key areas of your life, filled with stories, sentence Stems, prompts, questions and exercises, all rooted in the work that I do with actual clients in my therapy sessions. I have given these examples to clients in sessions as homework, and they come back with insights that allow us to do such incredible work. This is something you can do in the privacy of your own home, whether you're in therapy or not. It has context, it has guides, and hopefully some safety bumpers to help digging a little deeper feel possible, accessible and safe. You don't have to do this alone. And there's also a guided treasured meditation series that accompanies each section in the journal to help ease you into the processing state. So my hope is to help guide you into feeling more secure with the most important relationship in your life, the one between you and you. Hop on over to the show notes and grab your copy today. And now back to the episode, the example that just happened recently. An appointment was made, the person forgot it, lost it on their calendar. That happens. It does. And not being totally uptight and rigid about people missing appointments, that has actually made my life easier, particularly in my personal life, because it seems like as soon as I get up in arms about what I can and cannot accept from somebody else, it almost seems like within the week karma knocks me upside the head and I end up making the same big mistake that I was so indignant about somebody else doing. So this isn't about we don't want to get self righteous. And in this particular case, a couple weeks later it gets rescheduled and the same thing happened again. And so what this is informing for me is a few different things. And this is in real time because this is actually pretty fresh. I'm frustrated about my time not being honored. I feel. What's another word that's not frustrated? I feel disappointed, I feel hurt, I feel tender. And I also feel creative, believe it or not. Like that experience happening was part of what helped jumpstart this solo cast for existing. So there can be multiple things true at the same time. And knowing that I can never change this other person, it's not my responsibility and I actually hold no ill will against them and I am the one that is responsible for me. What can I do? I can choose or not choose to re engage with them in the capacity that we were intending to work together. What I want is to honor my own time. That's what I feel like I'm doing now. Things didn't go the way I planned, but there was still something meaningful that I could do with the time that was allocated before. So here we now sit. Which is great. So that's something that actually is moving me forward. I want to honor my own time. And then also I think the thing like I need and I will, I had, and this is a little horrible to admit, but it's true. I had this little inkling, this little spidey sense that this may or may not work, but because of other reasons, there were exciting things that I felt would be beneficial for me professionally. Shiny things, I'll say, maybe more ego based, although not invalid, but ego based. Things that working with this person might help support me in my work. I was maybe a little quick to overlook and dismiss the seeming lack of respect for my time by sidestepping that and just hoping it would work out. And that was my participation in it. I had a feeling sometimes you kind of get feelings about things, but I bulldozed over those because it was like a soft little speed hump. And I was like, no, no. There's all these features and benefits of why this should be a really good situation. Don't read too much into it. Don't be negative. And so the first, the first cancellation happened. It happens. That is life. Now the second ones happen in a different way, in a slightly different package, but still like the same shitty gift. And now I have new information, but I also have power and decide how I want to move forward. I'm channeling it into frustration. As a teacher, what is your frustration telling you? I'm channeling it into this podcast and I'm honoring my own time. Because if what I want is for someone else to respect my time, well, I'm really the one that needs to respect my time. And this can also help me become an even clearer communicator when I'm scheduling with someone, helping with reminders, double checking if that little whisper is persistently coming up, that, hey, something smells a little fishy, or something feels a little off, I don't have to maybe know in the fullest extent of the word what that means, but also don't ignore it. And that is what I did. That's it. Whether your frustration is informing something about a relationship or a dynamic, or whether it's informing something about yourself and the way you're showing up in the world, either way, it's one, it's okay if you're feeling frustration in real time and not being able to handle this process yet, that's all right. Feel the feelings first, revisit it second. But I hope that this little nugget, this little snapcast, is a companion for you. That you can save, download, revisit anytime you find yourself feeling frustration and know that though it is uncomfortable, it's. It's almost like itchy. It's like something scratchy. Scratch the itch, feel it. But then go back. Don't ignore it, don't bulldoze past it. Revisit it and ask it what is it wanting you to know. So I'm feeling frustrated about not getting any time to myself on a family trip. I feel trapped knowing that I can never change other people. It is not my job, not my responsibility, and it is impossible. I am the person who takes care of me so I can plan ahead. Get up 15 minutes earlier to have a couple of moments to breathe before everybody wakes up. I want to have a little bit of breathing room once or twice a day, usually probably before a meal and after a meal. I need to commit to this and hold this at the forefront of my mind so that it isn't forgotten. Because I'm going to be the only one that can make that happen for myself. And I will bring this new understanding to my husband or to whomever I'm traveling with to hold myself accountable. Because I've said the thing out loud. I can, I want, I need, I will. And then the little quote that I left at the end of this was more of a personal note for me, but I'll share it with you. Just because we're here doing this together, there is room enough for me. There is room enough for me. There is enough for me. There's enough space for me. There is enough time for me. My stress and anxiety are almost always rooted in either not being enough, not having enough, not doing enough. And so this is a new practice, a new mantra that I'm saying for myself to help soothe that tender little one inside who needs to know that she's enough. Her feelings matter. They're allowed to take up space. And she's got this. There is room enough for me. So I will leave you with that. Thank you so much for joining me in this little spot. Snackcast Solo Cast of Don't cut your own bangs. As always, it is a pleasure to sit and spend time here with you. And in case you're new here too, because there are new visitors all the time. I work by day as a therapist and then by other parts of the day because let me be honest, I don't work at night, but by other parts of day. I have this podcast which is one of my absolute favorite communities, places to process and to share insights I learned from my therapy practice with you in real time. So that's what the solo cast are here for. But I hope you catch me next time on an interview. I interview creatives, professionals, adventurers, people who are doing beautiful and amazing things in the world. Because what I want to know is between the highlights, between the highlight reels on social media, between the big successes and milestones, what happened when things didn't work out? What did you do when you faced out? What happened when you maybe failed 10 times before you got your first success? What did it look like when it was hard? And how can we all learn from that? Because that is when I'm struggling. What helps me is not just having a North Star of what's possible, but also a path to get there. And I think that hearing other people's stories is what helps me feel like I can survive. Thank you for being here. Your time and attention mean the world to me. And before you hop off, please remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast. It really helps the podcast grow. It helps other people find us. It also helps me get better. So if you leave a comment, question, feedback, this is a community and a conversation. Let's keep it going. But I hope you continue to have a wonderful day.
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