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It's 5:15. Your alarm goes off. And then you snooze it. It goes off again. Just one more snooze. Maybe one more. You finally roll out of bed, you shuffle into the bathroom, you catch your reflection, and for a second you're like, okay, maybe today, maybe this is the day that this version of me is going to have it all together. So you start the new routine. The skincare, the sleep mask, the stretching, the coffee, the journaling, the intention setting. You're doing everything right. You're checking every box on the list. And then somehow you still don't feel better, you're still tired. And then by 9am you already feel like you're falling behind. Welcome back to don't cut your own bangs, the podcast for high functioning humans with big feelings who look like they have it all together on the outside and are quietly trying to figure out why it doesn't always feel that way on the inside. I'm Danielle Ireland, therapist, storyteller, and someone who works with people every single day who are doing everything right and still feel off. And today we are talking about the perfect morning routine. Why it's so appealing and why it keeps falling apart and what actually works instead. Here's what I see all the time. You are not chasing a routine. You're chasing a feeling. Peace, control, confidence, relief. You're trying to feel better by doing things right. And underneath that, there is this quiet belief, if I can just start my day right, then I will finally feel okay. But here's the problem. You're trying to feel peace through performance. And a performance will never give you what true connection does. There are seasons where routines work beautifully. I had a great one in my mid-20s. I was teaching ballroom dance. My work day didn't start till 1pm and so waking up really early, doing hot yoga, doing my everything, shower, taking my time to get ready felt amazing. It wasn't pressure, it was support. But my life changed. And it's changed many times over. And there are many times where I have caught myself trying to go back to a version of that old routine because I liked how it felt then each time wondering why it doesn't feel right now. It's like trying to use the same skincare routine if you're in Arizona or if you're in the tropical jungle. It's not wrong, it's just maybe not right for that climate or that season of your life. And this is where I see people get stuck, especially high functioning, thoughtful, capable people, when you lose connection with what you actually need. And start to solely rely on an external structure to tell you who to be, how to be, how to dress, what to wear, what taking care of yourself looks like, what to eat. Instead of asking, how do I feel? How do I want to feel? What am I hungry for? What feels good to me? You start asking, what should I be doing? And those are not the same question. And the cost of losing that knowing. By the time your day starts, you already feel like you're getting it wrong. So you've done all the things and you still don't feel better. And then on the days when you abandon it and you don't do any of the things you really feel bad. And before you know it, it's not the routine you question, it's you. Why can't I stick with things? Why doesn't this work for me? It seemed to work for Sally Jo on Instagram. What's wrong with me? And quietly, you add it to the list of things you missed, messed up, or couldn't follow through on. So here's the shift. A supportive morning isn't about following the right routine. It's about knowing what you want to feel and then choosing what you do from there. That's it. Some days it's movement. Some days it could be rest. Some days it's quiet. Some days it could be more playful. And none of those are more right. They're just one degree more honest to who you are and what you feel and what you need right now. And two examples come from great friends of the podcast. The first I'll share is Brent and Kyle Peace from the Kyle Peace Foundation. These are six time Iron man champions. Okay? They are ultra marathon athletes collectively, if I'm remembering right from that episode, they in their Ironman competitions between running, biking and swimming, completed, I think 846 point something miles. So the training schedule, their morning routine was aligned to their shared goal of executing these incredible physical feats. I'm sure that their morning routine doesn't probably look like the way my morning routine looks, but it is an honor and in service of something that they love, that lights them up, that serves their mission, that serves their, their family, their relationship as brothers. It is absolutely aligned with who they are, who they want to be, and what they're trying to create together. That routine is uniquely theirs and it is connected to and honest with who and how they want to operate in the world. Then there's a friend of mine, Lachelle Wooten, also a guest on the podcast. She has been a coach of mine for years. Her routine is soft. It's sensual, it's raised. Like waking up a little early, listening to an uplifting audio, journaling. If it's before the sunrise, looking at the stars that are still in the sky, enjoying her coffee, sitting on her front porch and just taking in the sounds of the morning, the birds, just taking in all of the beauty around her in such a gentle, tender way. Now, I'll be honest, that routine is a little bit more close to how I would like to start my day. But the point with the juxtaposition of these examples is if you are a athlete, right, if you're in a season of life where action and physical strength is something that is of high importance and high value to you, then by all means, let your morning routine lean on that. What I don't want to do is let my personal bias and my preferences shape what I think a perfect morning routine is. Which is exactly what this episode is trying to help avoid. Which is the point is to connect with how do I feel now, how do I want to feel? And how can I let the way I start my day move into service of that and honor that in whatever shape that takes. Both Kyle and Brent and Lachelle's methods are valid and they yield very different results, but it's exactly right to those individuals. And this is exactly why having a place and a space to hear yourself matters. Because if you don't, you'll keep outsourcing your answers. And that is why I created the Treasure Journal. Not to give you something else to do, but to give you a place to connect with yourself. And that's also why I wrote Wrestling a Walrus. It's all about this, too. It's learning how to sit with big feelings instead of trying to fix them. Both resources are linked in the show notes. So instead of a perfect morning routine, try this. Before you reach for your phone first thing in the morning, before your feet hit the floor, ask yourself, wouldn't it be nice if. And then let yourself answer, don't edit it. Don't make it productive. Just let yourself go where your mind wants to go and then choose. Is there one tiny piece of that daydream that you can bring into your actual morning? For me, my version of that this morning was, wouldn't it be nice if I could actually enjoy this morning with the kids rather than feeling like I'm running and chasing around all of the tasking that goes into getting myself ready and getting them ready and getting out the door? I have been traveling a lot in the last few weeks. And I was just missing that weekend time that we get those slow mornings, those extra snuggles. And I wanted to bring a little bit of that weekend energy where there was nowhere we had to be, nothing we had to do, you know, teeth unbrushed, hair uncombed, and just sort of rumpled and messy together and snuggling. I was really craving that connection. And fortunately, I actually woke up before my alarm, and I was able to identify that connection. So I just got myself started and got myself kind of ready a little bit sooner than I normally would on a Tuesday morning. And then what that turned into was I was in a place where I was settled enough to just receive my daughter when she came down the stairs. And we were able to take about 10 minutes to just be together before. Okay, now we gotta get breakfast going. Okay, now we gotta get the backpack. Now we gotta get the clothes on. All of the things that had to get done in order to get to school on time, I was able to take it, just carve out this little extra time to just snuggle her and rub my fingers through her hair and just smell her little cheeks and be with her, which was exactly what I wanted. It's not going to be like that every day. It's not going to be like that every morning. And I may not even want that every morning, but I did today, and I was able to give myself that. And it just starts. When you can identify that need and meet that need, it starts this chain reaction that can flow into other moments of the day where you're building positive momentum rather than chasing this feeling of, I'm not enough and I gotta do more. If this feels like the kind of shift you've been needing, this is exactly what I'm building on. Substack. Not more routines, not more pressure, but a place to actually slow down and hear yourself and start making decisions from a grounded place. And it's where this work really deepens. You're not one routine away from getting it all right, but you're also not one routine away from losing it all. You're one honest moment away from feeling more like yourself. And that is something that you can actually build a life from. A life that supports you and loves you back. If this resonated, maybe send it to someone who's tired of feeling like they're falling behind. And if you're navigating big feelings in a very full life, you are exactly who this space is for. I'll see you next time. You don't need a perfect routine. Maybe just a friendlier relationship with yourself. And in the meantime, put down the scissors and don't cut your own bangs.