← Don't Cut Your Own Bangs
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How to start journaling when your mind won't slow down. You don't need a perfect process. You just need a place to come back to yourself. Have you ever turned off the lights, laid down your head to sleep and your brain just won't stop? You replay something, whether it's a conversation, a moment, a feeling that you can't quite name, and even though your body is so tired, your mind just keeps going and it all starts to feel like too much. That right there is the moment I wanna talk about today. Because that moment is usually the moment you need a place to put it. Welcome back to don't cut your own bangs, the podcast that lives in that space between. I think I have it all together. And why does this feel harder than it should? I'm Danielle Ireland, a therapist and someone who has had a lifelong on again, off again relationship with journaling. And today we are going to talk about journaling. Why it matters, what it actually does, and if you've never done it before, how to start in a way that will actually support you. So why journal at all? Let's start here. Why do therapists keep talking about it? Why do experts keep talking about it? You will hear people like Andrew Huberman talk about how writing your thoughts down helps regulate your nervous system. You may hear people like Martha Beck, one of my favorites, talk about writing as a way to. To reconnect with yourself. And long before any of that. So much of what we know about stoicism comes from personal journals like Marcus Aurelius. My point is journaling isn't new. Writing things down isn't new. It's actually very, very human. For me, journaling is where I come back to myself. It's the moment where I am not chasing everything that's being asked of me. I'm not trying to keep up with the pace of all my thoughts and I can actually slow down long enough to hear myself again. Because your thoughts, they move fast. They happen to you sometimes too fast to hold onto, too fast to make sense of. And when they stay in your head, it can feel like everything is spilling out everywhere. But when you write them down, it's like pouring a pitcher full of water through a funnel into a glass. Instead of this chaotic spilling all over everywhere, it's something you can actually get a hold of and use. Just recently, I use journaling for this very reason. I was about a week and a half out from going to visit some family friends on spring break. We were bringing our kids. It was going to be a big trip, a new Trip for us. I just, I couldn't put my finger on what exactly I was feeling, what I was anticipating, because I knew I wanted to go. I knew I wanted this experience. I knew that I loved the people I was going to see and I knew I loved the people I was going with. But there was this just sort of unnamable, liminal, fuzzy feelings that I couldn't, I couldn't quite put my finger on. Everything was tumbling and fumbling forward and to do lists were getting longer. But you know how it is too. When a to do list meets a trip where you want to be off the clock but you're on the clock, it also starts to like an accordion feel crunched. And so I wasn't sure if the uncomfortable or unsettled feeling that I was carrying around was related to the trip. Was it circumstantial? Was it work related? It all just felt blurred together. And for the first few days I, I just kept tackling my to do list, which is, for better or worse, the first place I go when I don't really know what to do. I just keep plowing forward and hope that something will make sense eventually. When in reality, and even saying that out loud, it's like, you know, that doesn't work right, But I am human and imperfect and that's what I did. Then, like an eternal game of peekaboo, I remembered, oh, there is a process, you know, There is a process, you know very well that you can revisit anytime you want, even right now, and you can write things down. And in the process of doing that, I felt relief almost in the instance I had the thought to journal, which is wild, and then actually committing to pulling it out, opening it and sitting with it. And all I entered into was like, I am going to ramble for three pages and I'm going to let every thought. It doesn't have to make sense, it doesn't have to be linear, it doesn't have to be anything other than just chicken scratch. But I wrote out every thought that was in my brain, swirling around like a little storm cloud. And I dumped it out in about two and a half, threeish pages. And getting it out of my mind and on paper and actually seeing it, being present with the thought, oh, I could breathe so much deeper. It was so affirming. Because what I realized is it was a d all of the above situation. There were work related things that were causing a little bit of stress. There were the logistics of packing that was causing a little bit of stress. There was also the intangible, uncontrollable unknown of traveling with small children and traveling with family and not wanting to be that family on a plane, which of course I was both flights. I was that family flying out and that family coming back due to flight delays and having a two and a half year old son who didn't understand the rules of airplane etiquette. And. And then there was also a little bit of anticipation of spending so much close time with a friend that I hadn't seen in a really long time and wondering if, is the friendship the same? Is this gonna feel the same bringing all of our families together? Is this gonna go well? And so there was a little bit of an old insecurity that had nothing to do with anything other than, huh, okay, I'm. I'm fully committed to this. I hope it works out. All of that came to light within less than 15 minutes of me sitting down with this process. The moment you reach for journaling isn't when necessarily everything is calm and quiet and you want to just reflect peacefully. It's oftentimes you've turned off the lights, your brain won't stop, everything feels like too much, or maybe everything is getting done. Maybe you're not really carrying a lot of stress. But on the inside, you need some clarity. Sometimes journaling could also be the first moment of the day that isn't about a screen, about an email, about another person, about what anybody else needs from you. And something inside you goes, I think I need a minute. I think I need a minute for myself. There are different ways to journal, and this is what I want to open up now because it doesn't have to look one way at all. There is a researched back approach where you can write the same story over time and you can literally beat by beat the same story and watch over time as you continue, the emotional grip will loosen. There's also a creative approach, something like the morning pages from Julia Cameron, who wrote the Artist's Way. So it's the morning pages where you can write three pages that are just pure stream of consciousness thought. No structure, no editing, no trying to make it sound good. It's just whatever is in your mind moves through your hand and onto the page and then you're done. You don't have to analyze it, you don't have to perfect it. And actually, she recommends that you dispose of it and do nothing with it. You just let it go. And I'll be honest, I don't always follow that rule. But this is a choose your own adventure. So for example, anyone who is or isn't familiar with the Artist's way, you might be familiar with the morning pages. I'll just. Full disclosure, I. In the last two months, for whatever reason, as a lifelong journaler and something I come back to and revisit, I felt compelled. I listened to a podcast actually, where I heard Marcelo Hernandez, a great comedian who's currently on snl, talked about how he was going through a tough patch creatively and professionally in his life. And he started doing the morning pages. And there was something inspiring about being reminded of something I already was familiar with. But it just put it right in the forefront of my mind. And so I thought, I'm just gonna try that. I'm gonna do it. I'm do the morning pages and just see how I feel and see what comes up. I did it not every single single day because again, of the two small children of it all and not always getting to wake up on my own time, because that's part of the practice is you need to do it first thing in the morning. But it was really fun to a practice and have a commitment that there was really no decision making to be done. It was simply just showing up, which for that period of time for me felt like. It felt like support. And I just for three pages, wrote, wrote, wrote, wrote, wrote, whatever was coming to mind, let it come out. I didn't analyze it, I didn't interpret it. And there was the best way to describe what it felt like to me. Because sometimes it's not always so tangible. It's not always like a three simple bullet point. But what I would say that practice, what it's the experience of doing that for me felt like holding, if you could imagine, holding sand in your hand and then just letting the sand gently pour through your fingers. It just. I felt a gentle releasing that helped. I don't know if it was when I exactly became aware of it, but there was a point where I could feel that releasing and that flow follow me throughout the day. Moments where maybe I would have met it with irritation or frustration or maybe would have hit the fatigue wall around 4pm in the late afternoon. I didn't really experience those things, or if I did, it was. It wasn't as intense. It felt like the range of high and low was more moderate. And again, those are just some simple observations. But the thing that I've not been super great at doing full transparency is disposing of the morning pages. I just like keeping them together in my notebook even if I don't do Anything with them. I just like having them. But that's me. There's another practice that I've come back to many, many times. And it's borrowed from Elizabeth Gilbert, who famously wrote E Pray Love, where journaling is actually a conversation. So you write a question, and then you let the answer come not from pressure, not from perfection, but from a quieter, wiser part of you. Elizabeth has actually went to a workshop where she talked through this process. And what I would highly recommend is you not just take my word for it, but you can check out her substack. Her substack community is called Letters from Love. And that is what her practice is called, Letters from Love. And she articulates in her experience, in her practice what a Letter from Love is. And what's incredible is that each week or every other week, she invites people from all walks of life, fellow authors, comedians, artists, professionals who write their own letter. So she writes a letter, and then she has a guest write a letter. And so you get to example after example after example of ways that this can be done. And I'm offering all of these examples to you simply, like, think of it like a journaling buffet. You're walking through with your plate and you're just putting little bits on, like, I want this appetizer, this entree, this dessert. Sounds good. And treating journaling like play and allowing yourself to experience what lights you up, what feels like relief, what feels like support, and trusting, what you feel enough to follow through with that process for a little while. Because what I can assure you, similar to the way we all know. Like, we all know. No, we want to eat healthy, and we all have. We could probably debate the finer points of what healthy means, but we know fruits and vegetables, protein, hydrate, like, move your body. Like the. The basic nuts and bolts of a healthy body. We know what that looks like. And journaling is a process like that. It's like, we know going for a walk is probably good for us. We know, you know, lifting some weight is probably good for us. A yoga class probably gonna. Like, our bodies are probably gonna benefit from that. And journaling is like that. But sometimes I think if the imagining. Using yoga as an example. So you've never done yoga before, you decide you wanna try and you don't even realize it, but you've stumbled into, like, the deepest, most intense, hot burn your soul yoga of your life. That's gonna freaking. Probably scare you away from yoga. It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the choices. And I don't want you to feel Overwhelmed at all, if I can prevent it. But what I want to invite is that there is a place for you in this process. There is a place for you in this practice. Journaling. Journaling is one of these, one of these processes, rituals, places where you get to honor your relationship with yourself. And it's safe, you can do it anytime, anywhere, and it can be as easy and simple or as complex as you want it to be. And I just can't speak highly enough about it, but know that any one of these examples is a perfect place to start. And also, if none of them work, that's also okay too. I, for a long, long, long, long time, would go on a walk and talk into a voice memo app because that was the best way I could access. That was the thing that I could stick to. And that would be something I would advise as well. Don't commit yourself to a process that doesn't feel good to commit to. Your feelings are information. That's the through line of what every episode of this podcast and what I care about as a therapist, like that is the through line for all of it. Trusting your feelings is information, interpreting that information to lead you to the next right step for you. And so if any of these processes light you up, follow it. If none of them do, follow it and we'll find something for you, I have no doubt, because I believe in this process and we'll, we'll find a fit for you. And then there's also a deeply personal approach, like, for example, comedian Mike Birbiglia, one of my faves, he journals to vent and process and get everything out, all of his complaining. And then he actually gets rid of his journals completely because it's a space that's just for him. And he's even acknowledged a very tender way that his journals oftentimes are so full of either unformed jokes or ideas that aren't fully formed, but also just cynical, whiny complaining that he can admit that the thought of anybody finding those journals or in the event of his passing, his wife or daughter stumbling upon them, it cripples him with fear. So he just, once he's done with them, he gets rid of them. And that is his process. That is his prerogative. But his feelings have a place and he just uses for that place to go away when he's done with it. And I love that more than anything. What I love about that is it reinforces something important. This process, this practice is yours. So this next thing to consider with journaling, it might seem a little Silly, because I've shared things like you can write it on scratch paper, you can talk it into a voice memo. It doesn't matter how you do it. It can be free, it can be as inexpensive as you want it to be. And another perspective to offer too is gifting journals used to be one of my absolute favorite things to do. I started gifting journals when I was thinking college. If I didn't know the person very well, but I wanted to give something thoughtful, it was always a journal. And then if I knew the person really well and I got them something else, a journal was always included. It was like I got a journal instead of a card and I would write the note in the journal. And one of my favorite things to do at that time was to go to the journal section in Barnes and Noble and just look at them, look at the texture. Was it leather? Was it hardbound? Was it spiral bound? There is something also to be said for appreciating the look and the feel. My. Because my relationship with journaling changes, the look of my journal changes. Even though I have made a journal and written a journal and I sell one, I. I made that one, the Treasure Journal, for example. I made it with this vision of it sitting on a nightstand or being in a handbag, being something that would be aesthetically pleasing to the eye and in terms of a sensory experience, would feel good to touch. And that for whatever reason in that moment in time, felt like the right call. Now, I don't always go that route, but finding a journal for you, if you are a visual person, if you're an aesthetic, maybe do something a little more for yourself than notepad or a college spiral bound notebook. Maybe treat yourself to a journal that feels pretty, that feels romantic, or feels robust and serious and intentional, like a moleskin or leather bound with a. The gold script. Let yourself go wild with the the journal and the pen of your choice. And I will say I have recently fallen in love and I'm holding it up now. If you watch on YouTube, you can see but there is a disposable pen that is a fountain pen. And I will admit it is not always the easiest to write with, but it is so fun to write with, like little things like that. They may sound silly to say, and here I am saying it in a podcast. But those sensory experiences matter. They maybe don't matter to everybody, but I know they matter to someone. And honoring them just makes that practice, that process for you, that much sweeter and that much more personal. Most journaling advice focuses on how to do it, prompts, structure, rules. And what I care about more than anything is that you have a place to be in relationship with yourself. Because so much of your life is shaped by how you relate to other people, journaling is one of the only spaces where you get to be in conversation with you. And that's actually a big part of why I created the Treasure Journal. It's not about writing the right thing. It's about having space that helps you slow down and actually hear what's true for you, what's true for your experience, what you're trying to process. And then there's also my children's book, Wrestling a Walrus, which is really about learning how to sit with big feelings instead of fight them, which journaling can help do, too. So if you're thinking, I don't even know where to start. There's too much out there. These are just some gentle places to begin. And you can find links for both of them in the show notes. And as always, of course, take what serves you, leave what doesn't. You don't have to pick up anything you don't want or you're not ready for. So you think you're doing everything right. You're showing up, you're trying, but nothing feels like it's working. And you're thinking to yourself, what's wrong with me? But then you realize, similar to doing housework, so you have a sweeper. You're running it all over the living room floor, and you're sweeping, sweeping, sweeping. You've got lines on the carpet, and you're just tackling from corner to corner to wall to wall. Time goes by and you realize there's still this huge mess. Well, you realize, oh, the vacuum wasn't plugged in. Journaling helps you plug back into yourself. There are plenty of times where we can roll through the motions of things that on the outside, look productive, like vacuuming. But if the vacuum is not plugged into a power source, if you are not plugged into your power source, if you are not plugged into you, then you are like using any appliance that isn't plugged into power. You don't need a perfect process, and you don't even need to do it every day. You don't need to get it right, because there's no way to get it wrong. You just need somewhere to start, somewhere that is for you to put down what's already inside you. And I'll say this too, because this has been on my mind lately. If you're listening to this and thinking, I wish I could have this conversation, the one that's happening right now in real life, face to face. That's actually something I do. I come to speak to teams, to organizations, to rooms of high functioning humans, women, men with big feelings. And we take these exact kind of conversations, structures, practices, and we can let them breathe a little, we can slow them down, we laugh, we get really honest. A real life version of this podcast with more laughter, more eye contact and a gentle reset in real life. Truly, I would love to meet you, I would love to come to your city, to your company, to your community, and create space for this kind of work to happen in person. Also, I'm looking at you, California and Texas. I had no idea until recently how many listeners are there. So if this has been on your mind and you've ever thought, wait, my team actually needs this, you can reach out to me. Everything is linked in the show notes, my website where you can contact me. You can also email me@DanielLeanielIreland.com because these conversations, they don't just belong in your headphones, they're meant to be experienced together too. Because when we feel more like ourselves, we bring out the best in each other. So if your brain won't slow down, if everything feels like too much, maybe you don't need a better system. Maybe you just need a place to come back to yourself. If this episode resonated, send it to someone who has ever laid in bed with a brain that just won't stop. And if journaling is where you start, meditation is where you stay. And I've got something coming up for you. Make sure that you're following the podcast and I'll see you next time. You don't need the perfect process. You just need a place to begin. In the meantime, don't cut your own legs.