← Don't Cut Your Own Bangs
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Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits, plan features and taxes and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required. Hello, hello and welcome back to don't cut your own bank's countdown, the best lessons of the year. All December long, I am pulling some of the most helpful, comforting or for me, the oh, that was the moment I needed again. Moments from the podcast and bringing them to you in these cozy, bite sized mashup episodes. Today's theme is one that I see come up over and over again in my practice and in my own life, the invisible mental load and the kind of support that actually helps. First, we're going to revisit a solo cast where I talk about the low key exhaustion that comes from constantly holding everything in your head and tiny practices that can help you feel more grounded and less alone in your own life. Then we dip into my conversation with Jordan Araghetti, co founder of SupportNow, where she breaks down support languages. It's a framework she did a TED Talk on that actually helps us learn how to give support, show up thoughtfully, and if we don't get it right the first time, how to properly repair. If you are listening while wrapping gifts or doing dishes or hiding from your to do list in your car, that's fine. I got you. You're in the right place. Let's do this. As we find ourselves in the holiday season, I have been thinking a lot about meaningful gifts. The kind that help us slow down, reflect, connect with ourselves and the people we love. If you're looking for something special, I've created two resources that come straight from my heart and my therapy practice. The first is called the Treasured Journal. It is a guided reflection tool built around seven keys, key areas of your life, filled with prompts, sentenced stem stories and space to explore the things that really matter to you. It's a beautiful way to reset, especially as we're heading into our new Year. For the little ones in your life, or maybe grown ups who are helping them navigate their emotions, there's also my children's book, Wrestling a Walrus for Little People with Big Feelings. It is a sweet story about a small penguin, a big obstacle, and the power of meeting our feelings with kindness. And instead of fear, both make wonderful holiday gifts for friends, family, or for yourself. Because calm, curiosity and connection are gifts we all deserve. You can find both the Treasure Journal and Wrestling a Walrus in the links in the show notes or on my website danielireland.com let's start with the experience that so many of us have, especially anyone that's a caregiver of feeling completely wrung out by the end of the day, but you're not totally sure why. So in this solo cast, I talk about the invisible mental load. It's something you've probably heard about a ton on social media on TikTok. You maybe have read a couple articles about it, but this offers more context and nuance that there is a constant background hum of remembering, planning, worrying, keeping everyone's lives spinning, keeping the to do list to doing, and how simple one minute pauses can actually bring you back into your body and out of survival mode. Here's the clip. Today we're diving into a kind of exhaustion that most of us carry but rarely name. It's the invisible mental load. It's this constant background buzz and noise of remembering and planning and checking and worrying and ruminating and all the places our mind goes, even when it feels as though nothing big is happening. And if you've ever wondered, why am I so tired at the end of the day when I don't even really know what I've done? Like I've done a couple of things, but somehow the day came and went and I'm utterly exhausted. This episode is for you, so we're gonna shine a light on the hidden weight that you are likely carrying and talk about how to spot what's draining you. Explore small, doable shifts that can also help you feel lighter, hopefully right away, but certainly in time. These are things that I've used or things that I've recommended firsthand to mental health therapy clients that I work with. I'm so glad you're here joining me on your walk or your errand running or in your car or wherever you like to catch your podcast. I am choosing to join you today with my cup of tea and my water in hand. So grab your beverage, grab your notes. Grab your AirPods. Let's do this. If you've ever felt exhausted without doing something big, this is probably why the invisible mental load we move through our day and so many aspects of that day are automatic and responsive. There is a sense, I think a lot of mothers and parents of littles feel when you wake up and you are reacting and responding to your day. You're waking up to an alarm or a child waking you up, or you're waking up and jumping into email and responding to the needs or requests or I just need to pick your brain for a moment. Dishes to be done, laundry to be done, a to do list to be checked off, errands, et cetera, et cetera. We it's so easy. And by easy I don't mean desirable, but it is so easy to wake up and show up with who needs me, what fire needs to be put out, what problem needs to be solved, and before you know it, there is a momentum that is now carrying you throughout the day where you are constantly responding and showing up and responding and showing up and responding. And I can't tell you how many times I will start my day, I'll get the kids dropped off and then I blink and it's three o'. Clock. And I feel these dual feelings can come up at the same time. One is the countdown of oh my gosh, this is how much time I have left before the kids are home and I have to put what I'm doing for myself aside and show up fully for them. It's either that like the crunch of my freedom window closing, or it is this sense of like blurriness, like how, how did I get here? How is this? It's like a time warp. And so the theme of reactivity and just responding and then the mental load when you're not in your body or in the present moment of what's happening, you're either 10 steps ahead, two steps ahead, you're constantly ticking things off the list or ticking the to do list. It is so easy to essentially have your brain and body detach. Like your brain is a helium filled balloon and it's just has a string attached and now it's just floating off in the ether and your body is just that like lump of plastic that's holding it down and keeping it from flying away. And what is often needed to either ground or recenter or connect the brain and the body or bring you back down. And something that I have been trying to do a lot lately is really look for little things, little rituals. I Don't mean a long complicated thing, but little rituals to bring me back to exactly where I am. One of the ways that I do that is I will set a 1 minute timer on my could either be on my Apple, watch my phone, or even just sitting and looking at a clock that actually has a second hand that you can watch. And for that one singular minute, there's nothing else I'm doing, nothing else I'm thinking about, there's nowhere to go and nothing to be done for that one minute. And I challenge myself with a minute because it sounds, it sounds comically simple a minute. But a minute is just short enough for my anxious, productive mind to know, we can spare a minute. Everybody can spare a minute. There is no project, no task so urgent, apart from maybe putting on a flyer that I can't take a minute. And what I know, having guided so many clients through mindfulness exercises, is that an intentional present minute, when you actually sit with it, it expands. It's like time slows down and expands. A minute can feel like a long time when that's all you're doing versus how quickly 30 minutes of scrolling on your phone can feel like 30 seconds. So the presence of mind, bringing myself back in, creating a limit, just helps center me a little more and bring me back into my body. Of course there is the momentum throughout the day, but we want to be able to spot when the mental load is draining you because they're all of the things that I mentioned at the top about responding to emails or responding to your children, or responding to the needs at work or home, those are all facts of life. We can't negotiate all of those away. That wouldn't be the a realistic world to live in. The thing to note is recognizing that the root of the exhaustion isn't doing more. It isn't chasing, getting more done so that I can rest. It's noticing when the chasing is draining you. There is this pursuit of more and this sense of I have to keep moving so that when I get to the other side, then I can rest. But the rest that happens on the other side of exhaustion or burnout or fatigue is essentially collapsing. It's not resting, it's not replenishing, it's putting enough gas in the tank that you don't have to keel over on the side of the road, creating these little buffers, these little, sometimes I call them brain breaks for a minute. And I can, and I've done that every hour before for one minute, which can feel like a lot. I've also done it every four hours I'll stop for one minute, but no matter what I'm doing, I'll pause for a minute just to make sure that I'm in my body, I'm not. So in my phone, so in my to do list, so in the tasks or the needs of other people that I forget myself. There's a big difference between being productive, getting a lot done, crushing your to do list, feeling like you're on top of your goals, and getting a big project done at home, or getting a big project done at work, or being completely present with your kids when they're having a hard time, or maybe getting up in the middle of the night. There are absolutely times in moments in life where doing that very thing is exactly where you need to be. That's exactly where your energy should be focused. And it can feel really good or very right, very aligned to show up for those people or those spaces or those tasks. In that way, the big distinction for what we're talking about is the exhaustion and the fatigue that comes from not paying attention to when those things are draining you. That's a radical difference because what we're talking about is an internal recognition. It may not look different from the outside. Meaning when I'm chasing my to do list, running from task to task, getting things done, then running to my kids school, then maybe running to a meeting from the outside, if we were just like looking at if this were an episode of television. The activities that Danielle is doing look essentially the same when she's either burnt out or thriving and feeling really energized. But the experience that I'm having as someone who is either in my integrity, in my body, and feeling energized and good versus not is am I not replenishing? Am I not present? Am I chasing my to do list, hoping that I can find freedom on the other side, or am I able to find that in the moment? One of the quickest ways, through the practice of adding more mindfulness into my day, taking deeper breaths, slowing down, reaching for maybe some tea and some water instead of my third and fourth cup of coffee. The practice of doing that consistently over time has helped me start to trust the responses of my body. My emotions are information and I look at my emotions like information, and I let that information inform how I interact with others, how I ask for what I need or how I take the space that I need. For example, a recent example, our kids went from summer camp to my daughter going to preschool and my son going to daycare. And at the end of that first week, every day, they came home with a list of some new supply or item or thing that they needed to have fulfilled, filled out, put in a bag, and brought back. I remember seeing my son's list for his daycare, and it was bulleted, and it was a full 8 by 10 piece of paper. I mean, it was large mop, but there were just so many bullets. And when I saw this list, I saw what the thinking through, okay, what do we have? What do we need to buy? What needs to be labeled, needs to be put in the car? All of those are decisions. And every decision requires energy. And at the point in time where I saw that list, I did not have the fuel in the tank to think through, to execute or even delegate, like making all the decisions and then just delegating the action. I needed the thinking, the feeling, the executing and the delivering to be in someone else's hands. And here's how I knew that. Here's how I knew that. I saw the list, and what I immediately felt when I saw the list was this weight and compression on my chest, this twisting, tightening, almost like a wave of nausea, but not nausea like I'm actually going to get sick, but this wave of heat that turned into just an ache in my gut. I felt both of those feelings almost instantly when I saw that list. And through enough time and attention and focus in this way, I knew I'm not in the place to execute this list. So I called an audible and I asked my husband, hey, do you have the capacity to handle this? I actually did explain, and by handling, I mean you handle all of it. Do you have the capacity to take this piece on for Luke? And he said, yes. And it was as simple as that. Now, is it that simple every time? No, but it can be. And more often, asking for help or asking for someone to show up for me, I can think of so many times where the ruminating, the storytelling, the stressing, the imagining, the role playing in my mind of how it would go, almost never, I'm going to venture to say, actually never matched what actually happened. That doesn't mean that every time I ask for help, someone says a hundred percent yes in the. In the way that I need it, but more often than not, met with someone, I can't do all of that, but I can do this version of this, or I can take this off, or this is an element that I can own, trusting that my body is telling me important information about where I'm at mentally, physically, emotionally, with regard to taking another task on looking at that information, running it through my filter and then believing myself gave me the opportunity to ask for the help I really needed and then receive it. Small changes add up over time Martha Beck has this great example in her book the Way of Integrity about how if an airplane is flying from New York to California and decides every 30 minutes to make a 1 degree shift in the direction that it's headed, by the time it lands, it's going to be in a completely different destination. So one degree shifts, like taking a one minute refocus integration reset, taking a one minute break, taking some deep breaths, grabbing a light caffeine free cup of tea instead of something sugary or caffeinated. They feel so small that they may seem insignificant, but that's also how virtually everything is. My hunch is telling me if you're listening to this podcast because you're experiencing the low level draining fatigue of carrying a mental load, what you want is something gentle. You want something soft, you want something approachable and you want something kind and a little tiny shift. Looking inward, feeling what you're experiencing in that moment, believing yourself and validating that, carrying that information forward. I love that. The idea that your emotions are information, they're. It's not a character flaw, it's not proof of failure, but it's. It's data, it's input. That the moment wasn't about being dramatic, but your body is saying something and that is likely that this is just too much. A couple of quick questions that you can ask yourself this week in real time. Where does my body say no before my mouth does? Or one tiny one degree shift that you can make like a one minute pause so that you're not collapsing by the end of the day and actually replenishing a little bit as you go. You don't have to overhaul your whole life for this to matter. Believe me. It may sound overly simplistic, but a one minute shift counts because those one minutes add up over time and you're only ever living life one moment at a time. Tiny shifts count. They're going to make a bigger impact in the long run than you think. And it's the easiest thing for me personally to overlook, but it is the reminder that I need constantly. And when I actually listen to it, when I engage with it, and when I practice it, my life feels incrementally better. Now once you start noticing that your invisible mental load is impacting your mind, your body, your spirit, the next brave step is this. Letting other people support you. And when you are not the one in need, but witnessing somebody else struggle learning how to support them too. And that is where support languages come in. In this next clip, I'm interviewing Jordan Arighetti. She co founded SupportNow and also developed this framework with her team at SupportNow. It's a way to understand your default support style of giving and showing up, learning how to read the room and how to repair. If and when you realize, oh, I didn't show up the best way that I could have, I knowing what I know now, I wish I could go back and offer support in a different way. There's no expiration date on repair and we cover that in this conversation. So here's a bit of that. If cooking during the holidays feels overwhelming or, or you just want to bring a little bit more joy and intention back into your kitchen, my friend Sarah Klein Connect is your new secret ingredient. She's a private chef with 20 years experience cooking for celebrities and families and she shares simple, game changing recipes, tips and techniques that make everyday meals feel nourishing and fun. She believes in food as medicine, in quality over quantity. And she says, oh, that looks so yummy a lot. She really does. And honestly, it is. When you sign up for her annual substack subscription, you'll get a free 30 minute consultation where you can ask her anything. Meal planning, nutrition, organizing your kitchen, or even the perfect dinner party menu. I do it every holiday season. Visit the link in the show notes and bring more joy into your kitchen this season. So if you would please just, could you talk us through the support Support languages.
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So you know, the simplest way to describe a support language is it was a, it was an idea that I had after frankly learning about love languages. Everyone's familiar with love languages. How do you like to receive love? And so I thought about it from the perspective of what I've seen in the months and years that we've been doing support now, which is that people struggle to know how to support people. And so the goal was what if we could guide people to help them better understand how they like to give support. And I think before I share the framework, one thing I want to highlight is, you know, this is not a foolproof process. To your point, Danielle, like everything, every situation is different. What it's meant to do is to bring awareness to you so that you feel empowered to show up when it is appropriate. That's a, it's a really like key component here that requires some emotional intelligence. It is a not, it's not a one size fits all. And, and we'll talk a Bit a little bit about that. But there's really three steps to a support language. And the first is kind of three categories that we created this formula around. And the first is identifying what your support language is through the filter of if you are from a socialization perspective, do you prefer to work individually or do you prefer to collaborate with others? Like one set of questions that we ask. The second set of questions we ask is around activation. Are you assertive? Do you like to take action proactively, or are you more, hey, I'm going to wait for some clear direction on that. On this, we call that more adaptive. And then the last is around actions. You tend to be someone who likes to give tangible support, like cooking a meal, or are you more relational, like the listener type? That's, by the way, that's more of my style. And so what we did was we created this entire formula based off of these different criteria sets to say if you respond to certain questions in a certain way. It would create one of eight different support languages, things like connector, community builder, coordinator, organizer, listener, harmonizer, team player, and problem solver. And each of those kind of have, again, their own unique qualities. It's not to say that if you're the problem solver that you can't cook a meal or that if you're the organizer, you can't also cook a meal. It just helps you frame where you typically like to fall in terms of taking action right away or no, I'm going to be the person that waits for Danielle to give me again, more direction.
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A thought that just occurred to me too, hearing you explain it, is that I can also imagine because like you said, this isn't like a one size fits all and it's also not like plug and chug. I did this once and forever. That's just the role I play in moments of uncertainty or grief. Because I can, as you were describing it, I can see my answers being different based on the person in need and my relationship with them. So there is, right. If this was somebody, a friend of a friend that I've met a couple of times, had a fond interaction with, but wouldn't necessarily say we're close, I'm not going to be leading the charge in offering her career. But I will chip in if somebody else is spearheading this and there's something I can do, like, yes, that will be the role. So I think not only what is my personal style, but also what is the relational dynamic.
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Right. And that's exactly what leads us into the second step of this Process, which is reading the room. I joked in my TED Talk that reading the room is the lost art of realizing you're not the main character in every chapter. And I think it's really important to know that as human, we are egocentric. We are driven by our own ambitions, our own what. What we get out of it. And that's not a bad thing. It's just a thing. And so one of the most important things to. For people to recognize when someone you know is going through one of these major life moments is the step back. Where do I fall relative to the other kind of people involved in this situation? And again, this is where support language is helpful, because to your point, it's not that you have to be the organizer for every person you know that goes through a miscarriage, but it. What it does is it gives you some framing and frankly, some ideas in terms of how can I play a role so that I'm not simply sitting on the sidelines. And to your point, the really the most important thing here is it's to do something, even if it's as simple as texting someone to say, hey, I heard this. I'm thinking about you. I'm always here to share my experience if and when it could ever be helpful to you. And the goal is not, by the way, for that person to respond. The goal is for you to feel good that you have taken some action that makes you know that you have played a role and helped push this person forward or to help them grieve or whatever process and whatever they're experiencing. And I think it is so critical to understand your own experiences will often guide your support language. So if you've never experienced infertility or a miscarriage or cancer or a significant loss, and then suddenly you do, well, that's going to really shape the way that you look at support moving forward. Because now you have your own perspective on this. And that is where what we're trying to do is create the conversations, start this idea of thinking about support, not as binary. I think what the way people look at support today is either I'm super close and I can do something, or I'm not close at all. So I'm not going to do anything.
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I think there's. There was such a gap. I. That actually was a question that I pointedly wrote down to want to ask you, like, why do you think there was such a gap? Was slash is like, you're working on filling that gap. You and your husband and your team are. But why do you think that gap Existed.
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I think it exists for a lot of reasons. I think part of it exists because when we struggle, when especially women, especially moms, when we struggle, we have this tendency to push people away. We're very mindful of our. Of perception, of brand, of reputation, however you want to call it. No one wants to be seen as not capable. And so the first challenge that we face as humans is that our first reaction is to put our guard up, which makes it really hard for the people that love you to step up and to take action if you're not receptive to the support that people want to give. But on the flip side of that, I really do believe that because we. Of how we've evolved as humans, we used to live in civilizations where you would live in the same home as people, you would live in the same village as people. You would live like, truly side by side with doors unlocked. We don't live that way anymore. We live very far away relative to how we were first created. And so what that does is we evolve as humans so we're less engaged, we're less involved, we're less aware of the challenges that families are actually facing when you're going through these difficult things. So it's almost like we've forgotten all of these little things that add up to the stress and anxiety and difficulties that families feel. This is where, again, support now and support languages. It's all about this idea of using a technology to actually bring people back together and the ways that we are naturally designed to do. And in the process, we're strengthening relationships and communities in ways that are both, like, truly very tangible, but also, just like emotionally uplifting people to remind them that you are not alone in your struggle?
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What do you recommend to someone who either didn't know how to read the room and. Or didn't show up at all and times that were important. I've heard about support. Now I understand support languages. But now I cannot help but be like running through the visual Rolodex of experience in moments past where I didn't have this context, I didn't have this framework, and maybe I just didn't show up. What would repair look like from your perspective?
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You just said it. I was going to steal from Dr. Becky on this one. Repair, repair, repair, repair. It is never too late to acknowledge that you might have misread a situation or that you didn't act in a certain way or you acted too much in a certain direction. It's never too late. And so what I would say is if and by the way this happens all the time, it's up to me. I look back at certain situations of people that I know that have been through difficult things when I was younger and just less, less lived. I didn't live as much. I was certainly less than doing support now. And you can never underestimate the power of just acknowledging that. And you can repair that relationship and you can feel so good about knowing that you messed up, you owned it. And you can move forward now because so many relationships are lost because we're so afraid of acknowledging our own mistakes. And repair is the most powerful tool that anyone can use to strengthen the relationships of the. With the people that you love.
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Hearing you say that, you just, you added. I think there's something else to add to that like repairing mistakes. And also it's like that Maya Angelou quote, when you know better, you do better. Can think specifically of a relationship that. It was one of the first people in my life that started to have kids. It was maybe eight years before our friend group started to have kids and they were a mother of two before I think a year or two before I was even trying to have one. And I remember what from my perspective, the information in life that I had access to and what I thought and felt and how I showed up and didn't show up for this friend because I just had zero concept. I had zero concept. Like there are so many things I can see now where. Oh, that saying that I thought was a reflection of the friendship had everything to do with someone in survival mode. That. And so knowing what I know now, I don't even know if I would to give like Danielle from years past some grace. I don't know if it was a mistake, but it was the best I knew. But I also know better now. I know different now and that I have a completely different appreciation and context. Again, that's gray though. That's gray. It's not good or bad, black or white mistake. I don't know if I was a hero or a villain and I may have been both, but just again, the more you can open that capacity for that, that it's messy. Yeah.
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And by the way, I find that most of the times when you do go to repair a relationship or a situation, by the way, I think every mom on earth has, has had that experience. I think about my sister in law who's years, who's older than me. So she had kids, she had two kids way before I had children. And I think about not even things I said, things that, things that I thought. And, and I, I've gone to her, I have a great relationship with her, I love her. And I've said to her like, gosh, I'm so sorry I ever said those things or even thought these things. And you know, she said she's like, I've been. I did the same thing with someone. Like, again, this is just where what you said earlier is so true. No one is perfect. No one. Life is not black and white.
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After listening back, what I loved about Jordan's framework is that it gives us language for two really tender things. The first is I can't do this all alone. And the other is there have been times where I didn't show up perfectly, but I also still care. And if you want to play around with this in real time, here are two very gentle invitations. Take it or leave it. But for yourself, think of one place in your life where your load could be invisible or visible, where it feels the heaviest. So it could be filling out school forms, planning the post holiday logistics, or even the holiday logistics, or even the emotional labor in a relationship. And then ask, what is one small, specific way someone, someone else could support you? And then maybe let that one person in on that need for someone you love. Let one person cross your mind. The first name that pops up is probably right. Somebody who has gone through something hard. And maybe you look back wishing that you could have done that differently. Maybe knowing what you know now about support, what could repair look like? Maybe even something as simple as sending a text. And it may sound like, hey, I've been thinking a lot about you, thinking a lot about what you were going through. And I just want you to know that you're in my thoughts and I'm here. You don't have to fix everything. And you also don't have to find the perfect words or use mine. Tiny, imperfect support still counts, and you are allowed to receive it too. Sometimes the hardest thing for me to remember is that it's messy. I mean, I know that's what this whole podcast is about. The mess of figuring things out, the mess of trying to hold our emotions. But when I am the one who is in my own mess, or I am the one who feels like I am making a mistake, or I've recognized or seen that in my past I've made a mistake, that discomfort, it's. I wanna run away from it. And being reminded that I'm not alone in it is sometimes the best form of encouragement for me to take one braver step forward. Thinking about where I've actually practiced this in real life is I remember the Christmas after my daughter was born. I loved the holidays. I loved creating holiday magic. But I remember I was in postpartum pret hard a couple months after my daughter was born and I was coming out of it and feeling better. I had got more clarity. My husband and I were in therapy. I was feeling more supported and I was feeling stronger, but I was still in that place where I could see what I was able to do and accomplish in a day before having a baby and then the reality of the capacity I had with my baby. I remember as we were approaching the holidays, I told my husband lovingly but directly that I was not going to do all of the holiday shopping for everyone in our life. And not only now. He didn't mean he had to do it all, but he was going to help me with the list and when I was going to go out physically shopping, I needed him to come with me. It's like he he was my emotional support person and one it would just be more fun not to do it alone, but also physically not being alone in doing it. Even though it didn't maybe change the fact that there was still a lot that I was executing, I identified the need that I really had was the burden of not being the only one in it. And that was what support looked like for me at that time. And in our own ways we've still carried that forward. It's more like divide and conquer now and less like come with me. But I remember that feeling like such a It was a really proud moment for me and it sounded simple, but it was really powerful in practice. As we wrap up this week's don't cut your OWN Banks Countdown, Best lessons of the year. I hope that what you're taking away from this is what you're feeling, what you're experiencing. You're not exhausted because you're weak. You're not exhausted and therefore need to push harder and drive yourself into the ground and over caffeinate. You are exhausted because you've been carrying a lot, often silently, and you are absolutely allowed to set some of the load down and let somebody else carry a piece of it. Thank you for spending part of your day with me, especially in the hectic holiday season. I know how precious your time is. Trust me. If this episode soothes something in you, brought you some clarity or some levity, please remember to rate, review and subscribe to the podcast. Or you can share it with somebody you love. Because the best things in life are shared, especially this time of year. You deserve support. You deserve rest. You definitely don't have to earn either one. Thank you so much for being here and I hope that you continue to have an incredible day. 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Toyota Thon ends January 5th.
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See your participating dealer for details. Toyota let's go places.