Podcast Summary

Podcast: Don't Cut Your Own Bangs

Host: Danielle Ireland
Episode: Why You're So Tired — And What Actually Helps
Original Air Date: December 22, 2025

Episode Overview

This special episode is part of Danielle’s December “Countdown: Best Lessons of the Year” series, which features comforting and practical insights for listeners navigating the “messy middle” of life. This week’s focus: the invisible mental load—the exhaustion that builds from unspoken, ongoing tasks and worries, especially for caregivers and parents. Danielle unpacks why this feeling of being constantly tired is so prevalent, practical tools to feel more grounded, and features an insightful segment with SupportNow co-founder Jordan Arighetti, introducing "Support Languages" and how to better both give and receive support.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Invisible Mental Load

• Definition: Danielle describes the "invisible mental load" as the background buzz of remembering, planning, worrying, and responding to the needs of others. This often leads to a feeling of being "wrung out" by day's end, even when no single big thing has been accomplished.

• Automatic Reactivity: Daily routines become a blur of automatic, responsive actions (“waking up to someone needing you, jumping into emails, dousing fires, etc.”) with little time to breathe or reflect.

  • “There is a momentum that is now carrying you throughout the day where you are constantly responding and showing up and responding and showing up and responding.” (06:30, Danielle)

• Physical and Emotional Costs: Danielle highlights how this state feels like having your brain float away like a helium balloon, while your body lags behind—a split between mind and body.

• Learning to Pause: She emphasizes small rituals (“brain breaks”)—like setting a one-minute timer to sit, breathe, and do nothing else—as profound, approachable tools to reconnect with self and break the cycle of constant chase.

  Memorable Quote:

  • “An intentional present minute, when you actually sit with it, it expands. It's like time slows down and expands. A minute can feel like a long time when that's all you're doing.” (11:18, Danielle)

2. Recognizing & Respecting Limits

• Spotting Draining Effects: The host shares that exhaustion isn’t just about the tasks, but how we respond to them. The difference between healthy productivity and depletion is about internal recognition, not outward action.

• Example: After encountering an overwhelming daycare supplies list, Danielle noticed physical signals (“a weight and compression on my chest, a wave of heat, an ache in my gut”) that prompted her to ask her husband to fully take over that task—demonstrating the importance of listening to body signals and seeking help.

  Notable Quote:

  • “My emotions are information and I look at my emotions like information, and I let that information inform how I interact with others, how I ask for what I need or how I take the space that I need.” (14:51, Danielle)

• Tiny Shifts Matter: These one-degree course corrections (like Martha Beck’s airplane analogy) accumulate more impact over time than they seem in the moment.

  • “You don't have to overhaul your whole life for this to matter... a one minute shift counts because those one minutes add up over time.” (18:45, Danielle)

3. Asking For and Accepting Support

• Receiving Help: Once aware of our mental load, the next step is to allow others to help. Danielle gently frames support as a necessary, not shameful, part of human life.

Support Languages: Insights from Jordan Arighetti ([20:59])

Introducing Support Languages

• Origins: Inspired by the concept of “love languages,” Jordan and her team created “support languages” to help people understand how they naturally offer and prefer to receive support.

• Framework: Three main criteria:

  1. Socialization: Individual vs. collaborative; do you like working alone or with others?
  2. Activation: Assertive (take charge) vs. adaptive (wait for direction).
  3. Action Type: Tangible support (doing things, making meals) vs. relational support (listening, emotional presence).

  These factors combine into one of eight types (e.g., Connector, Community Builder, Problem Solver, Listener, etc.).

  • “What we did was we created this entire formula... to say if you respond to certain questions in a certain way, it would create one of eight different support languages.” (22:21, Jordan)

• Not Fixed: Roles and support types can shift depending on the relationship and situation.

  In Danielle’s words:

  • “There is…what is my personal style, but also what is the relational dynamic.” (23:38, Danielle)

Reading the Room

• Relative Role: Jordan stresses the importance of understanding one’s role in relation to the people and context, not making oneself the ‘main character’ in every situation.

  • “Reading the room is the lost art of realizing you're not the main character in every chapter.” (24:23, Jordan)

• Taking Small Action: Even a simple text message counts as showing up; the act itself matters more than perfection.

  • “The goal is not, by the way, for that person to respond. The goal is for you to feel good that you have taken some action that makes you know that you have played a role.” (25:31, Jordan)

Why is Support So Hard?

• Cultural and Practical Reasons: Feeling pressure to appear capable, physical separation from our support networks, and loss of communal living have all made receiving—and recognizing—the need for help harder.
  • “When we struggle, we have this tendency to push people away... we're very mindful of our... reputation. No one wants to be seen as not capable.” (26:40, Jordan)
  • “We've forgotten all of these little things that add up to the stress and anxiety and difficulties that families feel.” (27:37, Jordan)

Repair: Handling Missed Opportunities to Support ([28:25])

• Repair Is Always Possible: Both women stress that it’s never too late to apologize or show up differently, and this act of “repair” can have a powerful impact on a relationship.

  • “Repair, repair, repair, repair. It is never too late to acknowledge that you might have misread a situation... You can never underestimate the power of just acknowledging that.” (28:59, Jordan)

• Self-Compassion: Danielle and Jordan acknowledge the awkwardness, messiness, and inevitable imperfection of giving and receiving support, especially across life stages.

  Memorable Quotes:

  • “That's gray though. That's gray. It's not good or bad, black or white, mistake. I don't know if I was a hero or a villain and I may have been both, but just again, the more you can open that capacity for that, that it's messy.” (31:09, Danielle)
  • “No one is perfect. No one. Life is not black and white.” (32:04, Jordan)

Actionable Takeaways & Practical Tips

• For Yourself: Identify one place where your load feels heavy—whether visible or not. Ask: What is one small, specific way someone else could help? Let one person in on that need.
• For Others: Think of someone in your world carrying a burden. Consider a gentler, imperfect act of support or even reach out to make amends if you missed a chance in the past (“Hey, you’re in my thoughts and I’m here”).
  • “You don't have to fix everything. And you also don't have to find the perfect words or use mine. Tiny, imperfect support still counts, and you are allowed to receive it too.” (34:35, Danielle)
• Remember: Your exhaustion isn’t weakness—it’s a sign you’ve been carrying a lot. You deserve to rest and be helped.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments (With Timestamps)

• “If you've ever wondered, why am I so tired at the end of the day when I don't even really know what I've done?... This episode is for you.” (04:35, Danielle)
• “Every decision requires energy. And at the point in time where I saw that list, I did not have the fuel in the tank...I needed the thinking, the feeling, the executing and the delivering to be in someone else's hands.” (14:05, Danielle)
• “It's noticing when the chasing is draining you. There is this pursuit of more...But the rest that happens on the other side of exhaustion or burnout or fatigue is essentially collapsing. It’s not resting, it’s not replenishing.” (10:49, Danielle)
• “Support languages...are meant to do is to bring awareness to you so that you feel empowered to show up when it is appropriate.” (21:26, Jordan)
• “Reading the room is the lost art of realizing you're not the main character in every chapter.” (24:23, Jordan)
• “Repair, repair, repair, repair. It is never too late to acknowledge that you might have misread a situation or that you didn't act in a certain way or you acted too much in a certain direction. It's never too late.” (28:59, Jordan)
• “You're not exhausted because you're weak. You're not exhausted and therefore need to push harder and drive yourself into the ground and over-caffeinate. You are exhausted because you've been carrying a lot, often silently, and you are absolutely allowed to set some of the load down and let somebody else carry a piece of it.” (35:49, Danielle)

Closing Tone

Danielle’s style is gentle, warm, and affirming, focusing on small, doable steps, extending grace to ourselves and others, and normalizing the imperfect and messy parts of asking for and giving support. Her therapeutic background underpins her practical, emotionally intelligent guidance.

In Her Words:
“You deserve support. You deserve rest. You definitely don't have to earn either one.” (36:48, Danielle)

For more resources, visit danielleireland.com

This episode offers concrete, compassionate strategies for coping with invisible exhaustion—and simple, brave ways to ask for and give support, especially when life feels like just too much.