Absolutely Crushing w/ Michael Blaustein!

Summary

DOPE AS USUAL Podcast — Episode Summary

Episode Title: Absolutely Crushing w/ Michael Blaustein!
Hosts: Thomas Araujo (“Dope as Yola”), Marty O’Neill
Guest: Michael Blaustein (comedian, co-host of Stiff Socks Podcast)
Release Date: July 28, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this highly entertaining episode, hosts Thomas and Marty sit down with comedian Michael Blaustein for a freewheeling, hilarious, and deeply personal conversation. They riff on everything from American stereotypes and group chat etiquette to the logistics of selling weed, near-misses with crime, experiences with drugs, and their mutual love of collection and organization. The episode is packed with wild stories, witty banter, candid self-reflection, and infectious chemistry—all delivered in the trademark irreverent tone of the podcast.

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Key Discussion Points & Memorable Moments

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1. Opening Riff: Names, Goosebumps, Pizza Hut, and Childhood (00:32–02:23)

• Michael’s last name pronunciation: "It's always 'Stein, like Frankenstein.' Every host ever, man..." — Michael (00:47)
• Childhood nostalgia: Michael confesses he collected Goosebumps books but never read them (00:58)
  • Thoma says he read for “free pizza from Pizza Hut,” leading to jokes about fat American kids (01:37–02:14)
  • “I was the smartest fat kid in this class.” — Thomas (01:59)

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2. Americans & Stereotypes, Samoan Size, and Genetics (02:14–05:00)

• Debunking stereotypes about American obesity and jokes about other cultures (e.g., Samoans being jacked)
• In-depth riff on where Samoans are from and why they're so big
  • "In my collective head, Samoan is like The Rock or a dude from Moana." — Michael (03:37)
  • Discussion of evolutionary genetics and the athleticism of Samoans (04:38–05:00)

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3. Cartoon Characters, Bugs Bunny as 'President of Cartoons' (05:20–08:00)

• Michael’s cartoon alter ego: “Bugs Bunny. He's the president of cartoons. He's hilarious!" (05:45)
• Jokes about Bugs’ basketball skills and adult-oriented humor in cartoons
• Extended riff on cartoon Rule 34 (“If it exists, there’s porn of it”), internet culture (06:52–07:59)

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4. Comedy, Group Chats, and Social Overwhelm (08:41–11:23)

• Michael on how comedians rarely laugh out loud at comedy (“as a comic, you know the math of it”) (08:42)
• Chaos of group chats, especially with comics, and the anxiety of group conversations
  • “If you bring me to a dinner with 10 people, I’m not saying a word. But with three? I’ll be super involved.” — Michael (09:32)
• Both admit to muting and avoiding group chats entirely

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5. Social Media Pet Peeves & Tagging Etiquette (11:13–13:13)

• Stories about being spam-tagged, IG privacy settings, and OnlyFans spammers
• Michael’s line: “The tag function on Instagram should be illegal. You should be arrested.” (10:27)
• Thomas explains how to approve tags manually (11:08–11:25)

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6. International Scams, Backflips, and Weird Cultural Trends (13:05–14:52)

• Tales of Instagram hacks and Bangladeshi accounts
• Backflips as a status symbol: "If I could backflip, you wouldn’t see me unless I was backflipping. I’d wear frosted tips and a puka shell necklace.” — Michael (13:16)

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7. Political Ambitions & Why No One Should Be President (14:53–16:27)

• Unique system for electing a president: “Whoever wants to be president, kill ‘em—nobody who wants to be president should be president.” — Michael (14:52)
• Marty's and Michael’s self-awareness: “If I was President, I’d run it into the ground, 100%.” — Thomas (15:25)

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8. Weed, Drugs, and Personal Substance Use (21:40–33:44, picks up again at 32:08)

• Michael’s and Thomas’ candid stories about drug use, including quitting coke and the social rules of being overweight and using drugs
  • “I just want to get healthy so I can do hard drugs again without dying.” — Thomas (21:47)
• Michael expresses wariness: “I’m scared I’d really like coke, so I never tried it.” (26:25)
• Both share vivid, harrowing stories about their pasts—sinus infections, accidental chugging of lean (promethazine), and the realization that drugs and weight are a dangerous mix

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9. Weed Education: Hash, Dabs, and Microdosing (33:44–39:01)

• Thomas breaks down hash, wax, dabbing, and their weed-centric lifestyle
• Michael is schooled on weed extracts: “Is hash the same as wax?” — “Yeah, just liquors vs. beer.” (34:13)
• Discussion turns to microdosing mushrooms—how little you need, and the “high school high” feeling

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10. Mushrooms, Psychedelic Stories, and the “Provider Trip” (39:01–46:58)

• Both describe memorable and challenging trips
• Michael’s epic “caveman-providing” mushroom story: Out in the forest, grilling chicken, feeling immense evolutionary pressure (40:55–42:26)
  • “If I undercook this, I’ll poison my girlfriend—she’ll die! It was awful.” — Michael (41:30)
• Thomas counters with his own “bad trip” story and day trips with mushrooms (43:12–45:29)
• Michael’s tip: Mushrooms are best outside in the day—“You can talk to trees. I’m not joking.” (45:44–45:50)

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11. The Neurodivergent Joy of Organization & Collection (62:47–68:54)

• Riff on ADHD and the “deep satisfaction” of organizing, from weed stashes to backpacks and collectible cards
  • “Dude, it makes me so fucking happy. Everything has its place. Everything’s folded.” — Michael (63:35)
• Childhood nostalgia: Beckett price guides, marble collections, comic books, and the joy of having “everything in its chest”
• Thomas reveals owning a pristine Tom Brady rookie card: “Never been touched since grade. Here, give me money.” (68:40)

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12. Confessions From Their Dealing Days: Near Escapes & Mistakes (51:09–58:05)

• Both reveal wild stories of selling weed in their youth—getting robbed, nearly shot, and the illogic of risking it all for a few thousand bucks
  • “You think I'd leave it all in my trunk? Go look. He didn't even look—I made money.” — Michael (53:09)
  • “I realized driving with a trunk full of weed...this is not worth it anymore. I made nothing.” — Thomas (57:12)

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13. Closing Thoughts: School, Upbringings, and Social Preferences (74:00–80:19)

• Michael reflects on the difficulty of small-talk at parties: “Everyone’s boring to me. I want funny people.” (74:00–75:00)
• Discussion of private versus public school, childhood cliques, and class size
• Banter about high school stereotypes, diversity, and how drug culture and privilege intersect

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Notable Quotes & Time Stamps

• On collecting Goosebumps but not reading them:
  “[...] Haven’t read even when you stole them, buddy. Not one. I mean, never even opened it. I just liked the collecting shit.” — Michael (00:58)
• On childhood incentives:
  “I would only read those so I could get a free pizza from Pizza Hut.” — Thomas (01:37)
• On American stereotypes:
  “Americans, we are fat—For sure. But other countries act like we’re the only fat.” — Michael (02:36)
• On group chats:
  “Every time I’m in a group chat, I do not respond unless...it’s too overwhelming.” — Michael (09:32)
• On Instagram tags:
  "The tag function on Instagram should be illegal. You should be arrested.” — Michael (10:27)
• On the joy of backflips:
  "If I could backflip, I’d be back flipping. You wouldn’t see me unless I was back flipping." — Michael (13:07)
• On politics:
  “Raise your hand if you want to be president. And whoever raises their hand, you kill them. Nobody that wants to be president should be president.” — Michael (14:52)
• On drugs and health:
  “Maybe being slightly overweight is more healthy than being on coke. Am I right or wrong? Less fun.” — Michael (23:23)
• On the satisfaction of organizing:
  “There’s a great sensation when I’m packing my backpack and everything’s zipped, up and done...Everything’s folded.” — Michael (63:08)
• On mushrooms:
  “The best way possible—I was gone. Like, oh, I’m on shrooms but I don’t want to live my life like that every day.” — Michael (38:53)
• On bad trips:
  “And I had this overwhelming sensation that if I don’t get this right, then I’ve failed my family...then she’s gonna die. It was awful.” — Michael (41:30)
• On stand-up and substances:
  “I did stand up one time when I was on Adderall. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.” — Michael (71:32)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Time | Segment | |--------------|-------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:32–02:23 | Name jokes, Goosebumps, and childhood reading for pizza | | 02:23–05:00 | Samoan stereotypes, genetics, and size mythology | | 05:20–08:00 | Cartoon representations, Bugs Bunny, and Rule 34 | | 08:41–11:23 | Comedian group chats, being funny and overwhelmed | | 11:13–13:13 | Instagram tagging disasters, OnlyFans, and spam | | 14:53–16:27 | Who should be president? (Hint: Nobody who wants to) | | 21:40–33:44 | Candid substance use stories, health, and quitting coke | | 33:44–39:01 | Weed, hash, dabs, microdosing explained | | 39:01–46:58 | Mushroom tales, “caveman provider” trip | | 51:09–58:05 | Selling weed, robbery, and dangerous close calls | | 62:47–68:54 | Organizing, collecting cards, and childhood nostalgia | | 74:00–80:19 | School upbringings, social preferences, and closing banter |

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Tone & Takeaway

The episode is fast-paced, irreverent, and deeply honest—no topic is too weird, taboo, or personal. The hosts and guest crack each other up (and occasionally themselves), but also dig into real issues like drug use, mental health, risk-taking, and their oddball sense of joy in organizing and collecting. Michael’s willingness to share, riff, and pivot between jokes and vulnerability makes this episode standout. If you appreciate candid, hilarious conversations with just enough heart and odd wisdom—this one is not to be missed.

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Where to Find More

• Michael Blaustein’s Stiff Socks Podcast drops every Wednesday.
• For tickets: BlauComedy.com
• See episode description for all links.

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[End of Episode Summary]

Transcript

[A]

Oh, you can. Perfect.

[B]

Perfect,

[A]

Perfect, Perfect. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the dope as usual podcast. My name is Thomas Dopas. Yolo. Whatever you want to call me. This is my co host, Mario Neil.

[C]

What's up, guys?

[A]

Sup, guys? Are you ready? We've been talking for, like, 20 minutes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And Google says the spelling and pronunciation of his name is different from when you answered the phone. Because we were like, is it Steen or Stein? And you answered. I'm like, now I'm lost. So sorry. What?

[B]

You guess.

[A]

Michael Blaustein.

[B]

Oh, girl. Let's go, dude. Every host ever has been like, can you say it again? I'm like, stein. Like, Frank, it sound like, yo. No doubt.

[C]

Got it.

[B]

I know. R.L. sounds good, dude. Goosebumps. I went to the book fair when I was, like, 11. Stole. I would steal Goosebumps books still to this day at my mom's place. Dude, I have 50 of them all lined up. Here's the thing, though. Haven't read even when you stole them, buddy. Not one. I mean, never even opened it. I just liked the collecting shit. Yeah, dude. I just like to be like, I got. It was like. It was like Pokemon. Before Pokemon. I was like, I got them all. I felt so good. I don't have them all, but I felt really good. It looks so cool. My damn. You cracked them.

[A]

You know what's crazy? I would only read those so I could get a free pizza from Pizza Hut because they would always give you the. You read three books, they'll give you a pizza.

[B]

That's the fattest thing I ever heard, man. Yeah, you gotta blame Pizza Hut, Noel Stein, and Pizza Hut.

[A]

No, I blame my non. Non. Their non present parents. That's what I blame.

[B]

Good.

[A]

I was already fat.

[B]

And then what happened?

[A]

Yeah, they're like, read this pizza. Read this. Like, I'm the smartest fat kid in this class.

[B]

But at least you got one of them. At least you got one. That's what I'm saying. I mean, listen, no, hate to the. To the dumb and overweight people, but at least you got one.

[A]

America, we're talking to you. Yeah, after I went to Europe, I. It took me two days. It took me two days to find a guy fatter than me.

[B]

Two days. You weren't in the right city.

[A]

I was in Paris.

[B]

That's not the right city.

[A]

Oh, it's not, buddy. Oh, and I was in Amsterdam.

[B]

I'm sick of this slander that, like, Americans, Americans, we are fat. For sure.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

But it's like you. But other countries act like we're the only fat.

[A]

No, there's some fat people. You ever seen Samoans?

[B]

Yeah, well, Samoans are jacked in my head.

[A]

Not all of them.

[B]

Well, yeah, for sure. Hold on.

[A]

A lot of like the guy from 50 First Dates.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Peanut butter cup. A lot of them are like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But let me ask the most dumb American question. Samoans are a cookie. But Samoans are Samoas, dude.

[A]

Girl Samoans are cookies.

[B]

Yeah, they look. They sell the cookies. Samoa's like the female cookie. All right. But the Samoans are from Hawaii.

[A]

We just talked about this the other day. They're from right below Hawaii.

[B]

They're from Samoa.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a place called Samoa, bro.

[B]

Everyone's lying in this whole thing.

[A]

Hawaii light. That's what it is.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

There's like, yo, you live on an island, you're gonna be huge.

[B]

Yeah, but what. That's what I'm saying. Yes. How big is the island? If you guys already did this, I'm sorry, but I need to.

[A]

No, we've just talked about as a group.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

Because we're all dumb.

[C]

Because.

[A]

Where's it at?

[B]

Because in. In my. Maybe our collective heads, a Samoan is like this Jack. Like the rock looking dude fucking from Moana.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Movie. But for real. We need to do some research. Why Samoans in generally are massive. And I need to. I have a lot of questions for you. I need to get those fingers typing. Why are they so jacked? And what is the average size, height, wise of a. You can.

[A]

My wife's best friend.

[B]

You don't have a wife?

[A]

Married. Yeah, she's married. She's married to a Samoan.

[B]

Your wife's best friend got okay.

[A]

And his whole family. I grew up with him too. He is the runt. And he's six' one. But he's.

[B]

But. But of that family, though.

[A]

His Brother Gino's like 6, 8, and he wears like size 16s. Dude, he's big. And then his brother Jeff. I went to school my whole life. Is like Sagat from Street Fighter.

[B]

Yep, yep, yep.

[A]

Just like that. Tall six, four. And then the runt of the family is like Wolverine size. Smallest guy.

[C]

We got some averages. Average male height, 5 foot 9.

[A]

I get that those are female Palomalu, though Those are like the shorter. I'm still an athlete. Like islanders known for their large, powerful

[C]

physiques due to a combination of evolutionary genetics. Highly efficient metallic bread.

[A]

Then that's all I hear.

[B]

I love how you Let me say we. Who's we?

[A]

The Earth.

[B]

The Earth.

[A]

Okay, all of you. Read them.

[B]

Is it? Well, all of us. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All of you. Guys.

[B]

Guys. Colonization joke. Love it.

[A]

Kick them out.

[C]

Boom.

[A]

Succumb to our will.

[B]

Succumb's a funny word.

[A]

Suck and come.

[B]

That's not me.

[A]

Never really thought about it.

[B]

Yeah, let's. Let's.

[A]

Let's.

[B]

Let's really dive in here.

[A]

Talk about suck and come. That picture's nice. It's a nice picture.

[B]

Thanks, bro.

[A]

You know how do you feel when you take pictures where you look cool?

[B]

Dude. I feel weird as. Yeah. Because that picture doesn't represent who I am as a human being.

[A]

You?

[B]

Sometimes. Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like that picture sometimes. But most time I don't. Most. I just feel like kind of like a cartoon character.

[A]

Oh, I get that.

[B]

I like to live as, like a cartoon character most of my life.

[A]

Who would you be if you had to be a cartoon character forever in that universe?

[B]

Bugs Bunny.

[A]

Fucking run it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because he is the president of cartoons.

[B]

He's the president of cartoons. He's also so funny. He's hilarious.

[C]

You can play basketball.

[A]

He does fool the Southern dumb bitches.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

He deep throats spirits, dude. Everything I'm about.

[A]

Wear a dress. He's an orchestra conductor.

[B]

He doesn't. He. Dude, he's multifaceted. I just realized this right now. That Bugs Bunny knows a ton of.

[A]

He's the best. You're not wrong.

[C]

Huh? Yeah.

[A]

And he says racist jokes before things were like. You can't say that.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. He messaged Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The whites.

[C]

He got shot more than 50. He's more.

[A]

He did get shot a lot.

[B]

What else?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Dude. He's. I mean, he's literally a movie star. He's a movie star. He's a. I mean, he's a basketball.

[A]

He played with Michael Jordan.

[B]

Right. And he hooped. Well.

[A]

He did. He did.

[B]

Did he ever date? What's that lady from Space Jam? That load of money. Thank you. Did they ever date?

[A]

You've been banging her for a long time.

[B]

Do we know that for sure?

[A]

I'm sure there's a porn out there where they drew it.

[B]

Let's not do a Rule 34. Whatever the it's called.

[A]

Let's not do that. Huh?

[B]

Was that you guys never done. Is it 43? No, it's 34.

[A]

Rule 34. Some. What is this, bro?

[B]

This is. This has been a bane of my existence. So Rule 34 is essentially, like you can just look up, like what you were just pitching. They probably have it on Rule 34. So it's effectively like. Oh, man. Like, like, like the Hulk. Like Stewie from Family Guy. Like that type of.

[A]

That's a child.

[B]

That's not what I was talking about.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

I was talking about the dog, which is equally as Brian. He's also.

[A]

He's also five years.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Is he really five, even dog years?

[A]

I mean, people years probably.

[B]

Do we know for sure that he's five?

[A]

No, he's probably 25. The show's been going on for so long.

[B]

Oh, he. Yeah. I'm surprised the dog's not dead yet.

[A]

He. He should be. He should be.

[B]

Is this show still going?

[A]

It is. I watched it last night.

[B]

Wow, it's so good.

[A]

Gotta be honest, the last episode is funny because the last like four were like, okay, new season's Stewie takes an edible and Lois. And so does Lois, and they can hear each other. She can finally understand that. He's talking. Blew my mind. It wasn't great, but it blew my mind.

[B]

So is it not good? Because. What's that? Whatever his name is not part of the show anymore because didn't he let it go?

[A]

I have no idea. Seth Farland.

[B]

Thank you. I think Seth MacFarlane let the show go. He might still be EP, but I don't. I don't think he's like, part of the creative process. I might be totally wrong, but that's

[A]

the last I was here.

[B]

Yeah. That's the last thing that I remember.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

And maybe that's why the show is falling off, because I haven't seen it in a long, long time. But the episodes that I have seen are so good, man. Like, just laugh out loud. And I don't laugh. Like, I mean, I laugh, but like, when someone. When I'm like watching content. That's supposed to be funny.

[C]

You don't laugh?

[B]

No, because it's like, I mean, as a comic, like, you know, like the math of it.

[A]

Oh, where it's coming.

[B]

Yeah. So it's like, it's kind of.

[A]

You're sort of like watching work funny to me. Right, right.

[B]

Well, yeah, that's why you can't ever look at like a stand up comics, like, group chat. It's like horrendous.

[A]

A group chat?

[B]

Yeah, like, like if you're in a group chat, like a bunch of comics.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

It's mayhem. And it has to be mayhem because it's like you. You can't be regular funny. You have to say, like, really bad stuff.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

No, no. You guys are really leaving me out.

[A]

Was not full. I knew, like, eight, and I sold weed. Everybody's like, I don't care enough. I don't want your number. Happy summer to you. I'll see you next year. Yeah.

[B]

So you don't have any friends now?

[A]

I have some friends. I just don't do group chats. I can't do the bunch of people thing.

[B]

Well, can I say this?

[A]

Oh, so much.

[B]

No, no. Can I say this?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I am on board. Every time I'm in a group chat, I do not respond unless. Here's the thing. I think of group chats the same way I think of dinner. If you bring me to a dinner, that's like 10 people. I'm not saying one thing, but if you bring me to a dinner with three people, we'll shut the fuck up. I'll be very involved. But 10 is just too overwhelming. People are talking over each other. People are tagging up jokes that were three sentences ago. And this new person starting a new thing. I don't know what the fuck's happening. And then you wake up. Then you wake up, dog up. And you wake up to 73, and you're like, what is this? And there's a bunch of comics riffing. Or like, your family chat that's going. You're like, I don't even know where we are right now.

[A]

Oh, I'm sorry. To fit my. I. I have muted every single time. And I leave them on Instagram. I'm sorry. Dm me personally, dude, for someone to

[B]

put you in a group chat on. On Instagram is. You should be. It should be illegal. And if you do, you should be arrested.

[A]

It's hundred.

[B]

It's crazy.

[A]

And they're so racist.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Open. I'm like, oh, my God, get me out.

[B]

You know what should be illegal? Honestly, you shouldn't be able to tag me and stuff, like contests, but, dude, no, just anything. Like the tag. The tag function on Instagram should be illegal. Dude, have you ever clicked on your tag? It's.

[A]

Oh, crazy. Go to the back end and put approve manually. And that's how I've had it there for four years. Yeah, you put, am I dumb? I'll show you how to do it. It's the best thing ever because somebody will spam it. 66.

[B]

I know, I know.

[A]

Like, this is on my page. Dude, this looks stupid.

[B]

I recently went there and it's just like, bullshit. It's. It's bullshit. It's bullshit. It's like Bangladeshi men going, whatever. And then. And. And that seems racist, but you guys know what I mean.

[A]

We all know.

[B]

Yeah, we.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was about to do an accent, but I shouldn't do that. And the other thing is. Dude, I bailed.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

Something. I'm like, I'm. Dude, you're on a pod with a V coming.

[A]

I'm like, I hear it. It's going to start.

[B]

No, no, no. And the other, the other thing I found was just a, like a bunch of like women like, like moving breasts around and trying to promote their os.

[A]

Moving breasts around.

[C]

I like that.

[B]

Thank you. And moving breasts around, you know, and. And trying to promote their olf. And I'm like, how is this okay

[A]

for you to use my.

[B]

For your. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

[A]

That's why I took the feature off.

[B]

You need to show me.

[A]

I got you manually approve. Best thing I ever did.

[B]

Yeah, man. Because if you. If it's like a meet and greet photo, I'm great with that. Because it's. It's helping. It's helping us both out.

[A]

And you're stoked that I let it be up there.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Let's run it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All of it's just fans. I meant.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's usually what it is or something. If like an artist did something cool. But. All right. To stay on.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But I'll check like every couple months and start approving. It took me like eight hours to unmanually untag me from like, we got hacked. My clothing company got hacked.

[B]

No.

[A]

And the guy DMs my rating page. Let me know how much you want for your page to get back. And then I had somebody to hack it back. And I have all his pictures. It's some guy in Bangladesh.

[B]

Really?

[A]

15 selfies. Remember? He's on top of a roof, bro.

[B]

Here's what.

[A]

He's got like some setup where he's like, why do Indian dudes think that shit's. They think like the it is is. And backflips.

[B]

It is.

[A]

They love backflips. They love it.

[B]

Backflips and bangle tigers.

[A]

Yeah. It's like anything that you would be like, my 8 year old son said the backflips are the coolest thing in the world. Like, that's a 90 year old Indian, man.

[B]

Can I say this though?

[A]

Go.

[B]

If I could backflip, I would do it. I would be back flipping.

[A]

Yeah, I would. I would put tips Frosted tips, too.

[B]

Yeah, frosted tips. I'd wear a puka shell necklace, and you wouldn't see me unless I backflip. And I'll backflip anytime I do something sort of cool. Yeah, just like a little. Like a little cool backflip.

[A]

Could you imagine? Backflip onto Heely's Out.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't do comedy anymore. I'm the President of the United States.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Or, dude, I really out.

[B]

I wouldn't take the presidency job for a quadrillion. Do you know how stressful you would?

[A]

Yeah, you know what I do? I go, hey, delegate, delegate. Talk to me once a month.

[B]

Dude.

[C]

Going home.

[B]

You know the comic Brian Regan?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Okay. Thank God. Okay. He. Yeah, this dude is so. He's so funny. If you guys don't know him. Just. He's super clean, dude. But he's so funny. His observations are hilarious. But he had this joke that I think about, like, once a month, and he goes, I can never be the president, man, because you. You get woken up like this. Problems. There's more problems, like, every day. Every day. There's. It's never like, yo, man, sick day ahead. It's horrible every day. You think reading the news is bad? Imagine being the dude that the news is about. It's horrible. And this other thing that I'm working on on stage where I'm like. Where I'm like, this is how we should pick the president. We had be get a room and put everyone in the room that wants to be president. You go, all right, Raise your hand if you want to be president. And whoever raises their hand, you kill them. Kill them. Nobody that wants to be president should be president.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

And not to get. Dude, I don't. By the way, where's my camera? I don't know anything about politics, so don't. Don't.

[A]

Same zero. We knew what red and blue is.

[B]

I don't even know what that we found out here. But I'm saying, like, think about someone. The mentality behind someone being like, I could fix it.

[C]

Who.

[A]

What if it's like, Elisa Simpson?

[B]

All right, Rule 34. Look it up.

[A]

Oh, my God. What if it's Dexter's lap? Dude, what if he fixes it?

[B]

I don't never know. You never know.

[A]

But no, for real, if I was the president, I. I would definitely run it. I would definitely run it into the ground. I know that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd be horrible.

[A]

Yeah. Well, the other thing, we talked about it, like, imagine being the president, like, hey, guys, don't listen in. I'm going to bang my wife in this room. You're all standing outside of 100% the whole time, every day.

[B]

But here's the thing, bro. Can I let you in on.

[C]

On.

[B]

On some stuff right now? They're always listening to all of us all the time. So legit right now. Everything when you're jerking off, when you're having sex with your wife, all of it. Everyone's watching it all time. So the idea of, like, oh, no, they're what? They're listening.

[A]

Yeah. But to know, like. Bro, you good?

[B]

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, man. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Can you go down the hallway? I cannot, actually. I have to stand right here, actually.

[B]

Unlike. Do I have to stand next to.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for real.

[B]

Oh, you're right. Yeah. Humans just kicking it. That would be a problem.

[A]

Yeah, Conjugal visit every, like. Dude, right? I can see your shadow under the door.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get pee shy. Can you imagine trying to, like, trying to have sex with your. With your wife at the White House with some massive Samoan with the fucking earpiece.

[A]

Bring it back to the Samoans. You guys are. Could be presidential security guards.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Remember that?

[B]

Or you could be the president.

[A]

See, I don't think. I don't think so.

[B]

No.

[A]

No, I don't rock.

[B]

Well, hold on.

[A]

The rock could take the president for sure. Like the movie Idiocracy fucking minutes.

[B]

I know. Isn't that. All right, let's. Let's think about someone else, because the. The rock. We know Oprah for sure. Who else?

[A]

I'm not Vulva. Oprah. Just based off the south park episode. Once they start burning you on South Park, I'm like, I gotta look at you twice.

[B]

Oh, all right. I don't know the episode you're talking about, but great for her.

[A]

Vag talks and has a personality incredible. You should watch it. Okay, well, she pulls a gun out. It's good.

[B]

Well, can I say this? If Oprah's the president and her vagina talks, I'm gonna vote for her twice. That's great. It's great.

[A]

She's.

[B]

Imagine talking. I have a uti. All right, cool.

[A]

Oh, we know what's wrong with you. Sick. Yeah, I'm bleeding, like.

[B]

Oh, sorry, sorry. Yeah, yeah. I mean, that'd be great if I could talk.

[A]

No, that'd be fucking frightening.

[B]

Are we both high?

[A]

Could you imagine going to the strip club?

[B]

It'd be awful.

[A]

Are you pregnant, bitch, or is it talking?

[B]

Yeah, it's talking.

[C]

Gross.

[B]

Talking.

[A]

Gross. I have a string in there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

Ew. Just hit it like a cat.

[A]

Gross.

[B]

They're both pussies. Oh, guys, I'm cooking over here.

[A]

I liked it. I liked it.

[C]

Back flip.

[A]

Backflip.

[B]

Yes. Yes, dude, absolutely. And that's exactly, exactly when I would do it.

[A]

I do one episode of your podcast where you guys are just on trampoline. So every time you hit a punchline, you could possibly hit a bag just.

[B]

And. And. Or. Or even on some, like, not. Not, like, cool, like you just, like, order like, a double espresso and the person puts it down, you go, thank you so much. And I mean, the crowds would depart like it was Moses. Depart. I mean, apart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's this? Spread.

[A]

Spread part.

[B]

Not apart. Not depart part. Yes. Thanks, man. You're a great co host. This is my plot now.

[A]

This dude apart. Apartheid.

[B]

Apartheid. Nope.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Apartheid's not great.

[A]

Does that mean Indian?

[B]

No, Indian gang.

[A]

Do you Indian gay, Indian gang?

[B]

Gang? No.

[A]

Just kidding.

[B]

No.

[A]

Talk about a tribe. I just said Indian gang because, honestly, you are a gang.

[B]

Can I say this?

[A]

Running, taking our wheelhouse.

[C]

What's up?

[B]

We didn't. We didn't get back to this. We thought Samos are generally big. They're five nine, but five.

[A]

I'm five' eight this way, too.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Remember, like, I don't know, Tank Abbott, he was only five nine or six. He's a big white man. I take it back.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, I think, you know, in football, you. I mean, unless you're like, quarterback or lineman, you don't have to be super tall. But I mean, in my head, Samoas are, like, six three. Like, they all look.

[A]

I mean, a lot of them are big dudes. Yes, they're all big. But.

[B]

But if the average is 5:9, I mean, I think the American average is probably taller than 5 9, isn't it? I don't know.

[A]

The white's got height. I would say they're about 6:1, but Simone's a 5:9. 225.

[B]

Yeah. Like, squared up, jacked. Yeah. And quick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Making it up. I have no idea.

[A]

They're so fast.

[B]

Are they?

[A]

We're talking about, like, a breed of animal. And. I'm sorry, Simone's. You guys are fast and strong. My bad. Sorry. Sorry.

[B]

It's awesome.

[A]

You guys get scholarships to anywhere you want. Jerks.

[B]

Where do they. Where. Where do they normally go? I mean, they're born right, but where do they normally go for school?

[A]

My town started paying for college apartments for, like, Six of the biggest ones I've ever seen.

[B]

Where'd you go to school?

[A]

I'm from Merced, California, by Fresno.

[B]

Where? Fresno. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Mercedes. Uc Merced. They have a UC now? Oh, yeah, that little town. Oh, you don't.

[B]

No, I just want to be on board. I have no idea.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

I just don't like. I don't. I don't like saying no to. I thought we're riffing, you know, So I just like. Yeah, I know exactly what it is. It's awesome.

[A]

You ever passed by on the 99 of California?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

You smell cow and meth.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Merced, Mercedes, Fresno.

[B]

Great.

[A]

And that stretch of, like, before Sacramento. Okay, that's us.

[B]

How was it growing up there, man?

[A]

City school.

[B]

All right, what was your favorite part, dude?

[A]

Leaving.

[B]

Leaving?

[A]

Yeah, I would say leaving, coming back, going. Oh, they built something.

[B]

How long. How. How old were you left? 18.

[A]

No, I left, like, 10 years ago. Oh, yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Like, 10 years ago. I'm just talking. It's fine. Yeah, but, yeah, I grew up in central California. It's been. It was full of drugs. What about you?

[B]

Did you consume them?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

Good, good. If it's all around you, it's like. It's like what? It's like growing up in a farm and I eat an apple.

[A]

Unless you're in a cornfield.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And then you're like, where the. You get an apple?

[B]

Corn.

[C]

Are you ready?

[B]

No corn. Where do you stand? Good. I get it. Come on, dude.

[A]

Backflip, yo. If I could. How have we talked about it? I just wanted to lose weight and get in shape so I could do a backflip. We talked.

[B]

Is this what it is?

[A]

It's really okay. And do jokes. I want to be able to do hard drugs again.

[B]

Why can't you do hard drugs? Because there's not. There's no sugar and hard drugs.

[A]

You see, Chris?

[B]

I mean, everyone laughed. That was the funniest thing I've ever said.

[A]

Double backflip.

[B]

This guy's passing out double backflips. No, but why. But why? Why?

[A]

Because fat guys can't do drugs. It's like, because if I die from drugs, I'm like, fool, you're fat. You shouldn't have been doing drugs. Is that Anchorage Farley? I loved him. Like, I shouldn't do drugs. I love that guy.

[B]

So it. So it doesn't in. In all funny for a second. It has nothing to do with each other.

[A]

What, being fat and doing drugs?

[B]

Being fat and doing hard drugs?

[A]

Yeah, Because I feel like you're fatter. You might die from those hard drugs.

[B]

Is that real?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, it is real.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I used to love to do cocaine all the time.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

And then I don't do it anymore.

[B]

Well, can I say something?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe it's. First of all. Maybe it was convection sugar. Maybe it wasn't cocaine. I'm. I'm crushing.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

Three back are fat.

[B]

No, no, no, no. First of all, you're. First of all, you're not. You're not fat. But second, the second.

[A]

The second thing is he should have seduced me.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no. Let me suck your tits,

[A]

idiot. Yeah, it might have been sugar.

[B]

No, no, no.

[C]

Just cr. The whole time.

[B]

It might have been sugar.

[A]

Just putting on weight this whole time, dude.

[B]

So funny for you to come to Jesus. It might have been sugar. D. No, but. But what I'm saying is, like. But maybe it was a good thing, though, of course. For you to get off coke.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I feel like. And maybe I'm wrong people.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

Maybe being. Well, yeah, but maybe being slightly overweight is more healthy than being on coke. Am I right or wrong? Less fun.

[C]

I'm going to agree with you on that.

[A]

Say less fun, less sweaty. Because I'm more. I think I'm sweatier now than you were.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So what is.

[A]

Hard drugs and fat guys shouldn't mix. It's like you're fat on your heart. Stop doing drugs that fuck your heart up. I'm not really gonna do drugs again. I just want the fact, like, if I want to, I could because I won't die.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Because I'm finally healthy. And backflip. We always talk about. I want people to do a backflip while we're talking about. You want this joint? Yeah, why not?

[B]

Yeah. No, no. I mean, it would. It would be. It would be incredible.

[A]

Oh, did you ever, like, when you're a kid, run around the. Like on the sidewalk, you pretend you're on a skateboard hitting the curbs.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So imagine doing a backflip out of that.

[C]

Oh. Oh.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, my God. Like a fake Ollie and just a backflip.

[A]

Tony Hawk, dude, I would be Tony Hawk.

[B]

So when did you. How long did you coke for?

[A]

From like fifth. 14, 15.

[B]

Yo, that's early of a place. Do you have to live to be like Nintendo or coke?

[A]

What was that, Chris? Crystal meth.

[B]

I understand what Chris is. What?

[A]

Yeah, like Central Valley's full of drugs.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so from like 14. I stopped when I was 22. Because I remember I got a sack with my friend when I was 22. I was doing rails and I got sleepy.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm like, why do I feel like I'm a pass out?

[B]

Who's melatonin, bro?

[A]

No, I don't know what happened, but I had. I got a sinus infection, the only one I've ever had. But I got it to where it started. Like, my equilibrium got thrown off so I couldn't stand.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I was getting. I started, like. That's why I drink all that lean by accident from. My dad told me it was medicine. It's promethazine. I chug it through it black. Because I drank the whole bottle. I didn't know. I thought you drank promethazine bottle. And it threw it up. And while I was throwing up, my nose started bleeding because the pressure. So I remember I'm like unpatoon on my knees.

[C]

Yeah. What did he think it was he was giving you?

[A]

Because he just got stomach surgery. He's like, this helped my stomach and. You don't feel good. You're dizzy. You should drink it. Like. All right, dad. And I drank it all because I was so sick. And I just started throwing up.

[C]

Black.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you should. Yeah.

[A]

I was dying on my porch. Blood and black. And then just me. Ah, let's see if I was skinny. Be easier.

[B]

I don't know, dude. I think, I think the exact same thing would happen.

[A]

At least I wouldn't have to do this.

[B]

I mean, there may have been.

[A]

Shirt down a little.

[B]

There would have been less throw up, but other than that. Yeah. Yeah. There would have been Dungeness crab in your throw up.

[A]

It was bad. It stunk. It was weird. I think it was like my stomach lining. Oh, dude, it smelled.

[B]

And that was the last time you ever did coke?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, no, no, I, I, I knew

[A]

there was another did a bunch under my tongue, but I haven't snorted Coke in, like 15 years.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. And then I've never done it.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Because let's run it, because I'm scared that I'll really like it.

[A]

You should never do it, ever.

[B]

No, I know. I won't. I won't ever. But I'm very scared that. Well, because I, like uppers is like, like, like, I know this is like baby shit compared to, compared to cocaine. But, like, coffee, like, I don't drink caffeine is like, it's like, I like, I fucking love, dude. Like, I love it. So that feeling of Being like amped and fucking. That's, that's my own caffeine. So I can't even imagine probably how much I'd like coke. It's not okay.

[A]

Never. I.

[B]

Well, never.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Never. Because, like, I smoke a lot of weed. That's what I do. I do the weed. Like. Well, I talked about it. When I just stand at the first time, I go, oh, I. I get it now. I understand drugs. This is fun.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then when I first did coke, I went, weed. Who cares about weed in school, right? Yeah, it was so fun. And then I stopped doing coke. I'm like, that will kill you. And I just love weed. And then I just don't think I'll ever do hard drugs again until we get to the certain age. Because I want to do heroin so bad.

[B]

Do you really?

[A]

I really do. Like, really, really like opium. I want to smoke opium so bad. But when I'm old, as I know,

[B]

I hear that I've, I've. I've pitched this a. Like, like I understand, like being, you know, 91 and being like, I'm going, idiots, okay, 88 and just going to an opiate. I don't even know if those exist anymore. But just, just going to like Taiwan and just. Yeah. I mean, when we're 88, let me tell you something. Taiwan's not going to exist anymore, but

[A]

it'll be a hybrid of some other country something.

[B]

Hybrid. Yeah.

[A]

Like a basketball base.

[B]

Basketball.

[A]

Basketball. Hybrid teams.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, but I hear you. Yeah, I hear you. But. But it doesn't, it doesn't appeal to you now, like. Right.

[A]

Of course it. I just want to die. I just don't do anything. Right. They go, he had a lot going on. I just don't want that to happen.

[B]

But you've seen someone on hair, like, they don't look. They have that moment of being like, it's cool and then they don't look great.

[A]

No, but they probably feel.

[B]

Remember as a kid, heroin, it ended great. Unless you. Isn't there some dude, some professor that's like microdosing heroin or something?

[A]

He's a badass. You mean.

[B]

I don't know, a superhero.

[C]

You mean?

[B]

There's some, there's some professor that I, that I, I saw a clip, whatever. He's literally micro. He's like a professor at like Brown or Princeton or Harvard, I swear to God. And he microdoses hair. I think it is heroin. But he does it in a way where he like it, you know, it's.

[A]

Imagine smart. You're like I'm an addict. I need to figure out how to do this every day.

[B]

Yeah, word.

[A]

I'm just gonna do a little bit. I'm gonna do a thesis on it. So I'm not.

[B]

Right, right, right, right.

[A]

But I mean it's a study.

[B]

But he does have like the right mentality works is like caffeine. At some point I have to have so much to feel what I. To chase the dragon.

[A]

Ish.

[B]

You know so. But if I micro dosed. If I woke up and only had you know, 10 grams. Grams. What are the milliliter whatever the of caffeine. Instead of doing 200 then I could just.

[A]

Coffee.

[B]

It depends on what coffee.

[A]

Like. Like that coffee. How much is that? How much?

[B]

This is probably 70, 60, 70 sounds

[A]

like any caffeine, right? Or do I. I love him. He's my.

[C]

He.

[A]

He lives right next to me so he knows exactly what I eat, any of the drinks I eat. Drink, don't. Yeah, I don't drink caffeine.

[B]

So let me. So you are you like a like awaken bake dude?

[A]

Not anymore.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So much to do. I don't really. I don't smoke as much I used to. So you wake up and immediately go into panic mode of. I have 80 emails I need to answer.

[B]

Of course, of course. But I can't when I wake up and get into that panic mode I need a coffee to do.

[A]

Oh, I've never tried it.

[B]

Dude, maybe you sound like an addict, maybe you shouldn't. Yeah but like I just don't like

[A]

the smell or the taste.

[C]

It turns the lights on. It brings.

[A]

I gotta be honest, you guys know I just smoke weed all day. I don't take anything.

[C]

The coffee balances out the weed.

[B]

I wish I've heard this. Dude, there's a weed shop by my house. It's. I'm blanking on it. It doesn't matter. The point is is they have like. They have like. It's like a really nice coffee shop which I've been to a 100 times and they have the weed shop right next to it and I'm like oh this is.

[C]

Goes together.

[B]

Oh, it's the. The woods. Is that.

[A]

Oh yeah, Woodson spot. Yeah, yeah yeah, we just did the thing there.

[C]

Who, who?

[A]

Woody Harlson owns that spot.

[B]

Oh word. Oh Woods. I'm an idiot.

[A]

Bro, you just high from last time, that's all.

[B]

I'm an idiot. No, but, but I see all people like they come, they, they whatever and they. And they get a call. I'm like, oh, this must be be.

[A]

I mean, that's, that's what he. He's fueled on on that. And that's the recipe. That's exactly. I drink coffee, I smoke bong rips at 4am and I'm up. What's up, guys? Take a moment from this episode to talk about our sponsor and thank you to Puffco. Every time we do a Puffco ad, there's always something sicker, there's always something doper. And they really outdid themselves. I'm putting up my old one. This is my new everyday daily driver. This is a limited edition and this is called the plasma Peak Pro set. It comes with a bunch of different things. Guys, go ahead and check out puffco.com if you want to know more. This is absolutely incredible. The colors are so damn nice. I don't know what it is about this colorway. The purple with the pinks and the, the gradient, it just looks sick. And on top of that, it just looks heady. It looks sick. And it comes this way. Comes with a bunch of different accessories. But something I really like is the new updated hot knife. And it matches. Here's the colorway. Super sick. And before you know, puffcon will be here in October. So go ahead and get your tickets, get ready, get your plane tickets, get everything you need. PuffCon is coming. Just really wanted to introduce you guys to this. This is insanely cool. It's badass. Thank you so much to Puffco for sponsoring this episode and thank you guys for supporting the brands that actually support us. We appreciate you. Let's get back into this episode.

[C]

What's your relationship with weed like

[A]

to be abused?

[B]

No, not great, dude. I can't function. Like, I can't. And here's the thing. Like, I, I romanticize the idea of people who can smoke weed and function because it does seem like it like one to me and correct me if I'm wrong, I guess everyone's different, right? But yeah, it's like I feel like it can tamp down like anxiety a little bit and sort of like brighten your days up and maybe even make you like a little happier than what you would be.

[A]

Maybe a little bits. Amount of weed.

[B]

Little bits.

[A]

Yeah, I noticed. Like I smoke a lot. Like I used to smoke like an ounce ish a day all the time. I was selling weed, I was smoking, I was making videos, was sitting there all day coming up with video ideas for YouTube. That's what I did. But like, I noticed if I smoked like a half a gram of A joint, Like a small joint. I would get like a little like high school high. Like when you.

[B]

Yeah,

[A]

no one's gonna know. That's that feeling. I get like a. Like, in my head, I feel like high school high. Yeah. Yeah, past that. I'm like. I'm just normal, just burnt. But that's what I'm smoking a lot, though.

[B]

But how do you opt. Like, I can't.

[A]

Yeah, I guess imagine like the old lawyers. Like you just drink a whole shot. Yeah, I need something.

[B]

Yeah. I need something to get through.

[A]

It's not even like I need. Like, I want caffeine. It's for me. It's just a habit, man. Like, I want to be like, I need to get high. I don't even get high off weed that much anymore. I just like the action of like, oh, that shit's fire. Looking real good.

[B]

So there's no. You don't feel.

[A]

I still feel weed. I still feel it. But I smoke a lot of hash every day.

[B]

I don't know what hashes I've heard of. I don't know.

[A]

Beer. Hash is liquor.

[B]

Incredible. Okay.

[A]

Much as much liquors, I'm drinking beer. Like, that guy's an alcoholic. Yeah, right here. There, the hash and that little machine, like a little bong dab rig. You just take dab hits of hash. So hash is like, you get the weed, you freeze it, or you get the weed and you squeeze it. Yeah. And it juices out. That's wax and hash. So it's basically.

[B]

Oh, so the wax is hash. Is that what that is?

[A]

Yeah, a different name for it because some wax is made with a butane you like, you extract it chemically. And some stuff you just do ice and water and it all the tricones, the sticky will fall off. And then you squeeze that and that's hash. Or you can just smoke that. It's like cold pressed juicing. Exactly what it is. You can eat the orange, of course, which is weed. Or you can squeeze it. Just drink the juice.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Or you can squeeze it and then strain it and then drink the juice. Like, damn, that's a little much.

[B]

Yeah, that's like expensive. So what is. Now just turn to a wee class. What is. What's dabs?

[A]

That's dabbing is just an act of saying, let's smoke a dab is wax. Hash, crumble, shatter. All that falls under the categories of ash.

[B]

But I'm saying. But like I went to people, I've done. Oh, I thought it was like a specific. Like if I hit A dab is

[A]

like saying, let me smoke a bowl.

[B]

Really? I thought dad was a thing.

[A]

It is, but. It is, but it's not saying a bowl. I'll take a quick dab. A dab is just saying.

[B]

Really? But I did this weed show, not recently, maybe like a year ago, and everyone was smoking dabs. And it was like, that's just that. It just means the way that I was digesting it was like it was a different type of weed. If you're smoking dad, it's like, that's

[A]

like the category, blanket category, name. It's like saying, smoke a bowl, smoke a joint, smoke a hooter. Let's smoke a doobie.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Same buddy.

[B]

I'm learning. Yes.

[A]

You might got slipped heroin. You don't even know.

[B]

Secretly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Acid.

[A]

Oh, back to what we're saying. Yes, heroin, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Have you ever fallen asleep as a child and woken up and someone's carrying you to room?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Imagine I feel like heroin would be that, but no one's holding me, and I could just keep flying away. See, the idea. I feel like it would be like that.

[B]

The idea of that doesn't do anything for me.

[A]

Oh, you never seen Peter Pan?

[B]

No.

[A]

Peter Pan fly away like that.

[B]

But no, Peter Pan's great, but, like, that just seems so disconnected from, like, reality. I know, but I think we have different brains. That's why I, like, that's why the idea of, like. Like Adderall or, like, Super Uppers or coke or caffeine. Like, then I'm, like, locked into reality. I'm not going nowhere.

[A]

Yeah, but when I was doing a lot of coke, it was always watching myself. From here, I'm functioning, but I'm like, I. Only thing that changes for me was drugs. I might smoke more or talk a little more.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Like, you don't know if, like, that guy's on drugs. Like, is he like. Yeah, he just did eight lines. Like, oh, wow. He's just sitting there. Nothing really changes. Like, when I drunk, it's just my smoke more. So I think for me, it's like. I just want to see what it's like.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I had that same feeling with ayahuasca.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

I just want to feel. Well, here's the thing. I want to talk to God is what I want to do. And. And I've done mushrooms a handful of times, and I know Jesus.

[A]

It was a. I know a Jesus.

[B]

You do know Jesus. They're enjoying. They're enjoying. But, yeah, do much, like, psilocybin. I I love it.

[A]

Oh, you love mushrooms.

[B]

I love.

[A]

Dude, I would have brought that.

[B]

That's the one. That's the one where I haven't. But I really want to microdose. I want to take a day. Here's the problem with probably both of our schedules, maybe 100%, both of our schedules. I don't have, like, a. Oh, I'm off today.

[A]

Never in life, so.

[B]

But that's that. I'm looking for that. I'm looking for a full day where I can wake up and just be like, let me see how I am micro dosing. Because I don't know.

[A]

I like it. I've tried microdosing, like, four times.

[B]

Great. Walk me through it.

[A]

Micro dosing is like you're walking with Converse. I mean, not. Not on drugs. You're walking with Converse. Microdosing is like those bouncy shoes you see when we were kids that we couldn't afford.

[B]

I like these metaphors.

[A]

Yeah, it's like, oh, everything. It's a little sicker up here. That's microdose. You're like, oh, it's a little brighter. I think I hear the birds more.

[B]

So let me ask you this.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

I don't like anything that, like, takes my, like, my focus away. Like, you can still, like, have conversations and talk and think and, like.

[A]

But, yeah, but I have a conversation. But I'm also looking at myself from here.

[B]

You are.

[A]

I'm talking.

[B]

And micro dosing, what does that mean for you? How many grams is.

[A]

Oh, no. Microdosing could be, like a gram.

[B]

Just one gram. See, I think for me, I'm super lightweight. I'm super light. Yeah. I'm thinking, like, literally, like, 0.3. Try it and, like, see where I'm at.

[A]

Dude, I take a lot of mushrooms, so.

[B]

You do?

[A]

Yeah. I mean, I pick big amounts when I do mushrooms.

[B]

When you do do mushroom, how many grams?

[A]

Like, sometimes like five or six.

[B]

Yeah, I've done. I've done it 3.53. And I was. But in a great way.

[A]

Yeah, the best way.

[B]

In the best way possible. I was gone. Like, oh, I'm on sales, but I don't want to live my life. I can't have a day like that.

[A]

Not the whole day. I hate it. Coming back, trying to get out. I hate getting out of the trip because I'm like, you know what? Shit, I didn't do. My room's dirty. I got all this stuff to do.

[C]

Fuck.

[A]

It's like taking a vacation when you're like, fool. You're supposed to be at work.

[B]

I know, dude. Yes.

[A]

I get a panic.

[B]

I'm like, dude, I had this awful experience on mushrooms. I was with my girlfriend. We went to. We were in, like, a big bear, and. And we did. We've done mushrooms together like, three or four times. Just incredible time. It's awesome. This. This experience. I'm about to say. Yeah, maybe like a year ago.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So. Yo.

[C]

Very fresh.

[B]

So take 3.5. You know, it's. It's night, which I've never taken a night before, but I'm like, let's. Let's try it.

[C]

Whatever.

[B]

So when I'm. We're waiting for it to kick in, we're both hungry, right? So we. We went to the grocery store before. So I'm outside on. And we're in this nice Airbnb. I'm outside on this. The, like, a gas grill, and I'm cooking, and all of a sudden it starts to hit me, bro. And I'm outside in the complete darkness in the forest. And I don't know, this house. I've been in this house for an hour, and I'm out on someone else's porch cooking on someone else's grill. And then I'm looking at the chicken and I'm like, what chicken did this used to be. And I saw.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

And then I start looking to the darkness. I feel like I'm getting, like, chased a bit. And then I. Then I'm start thinking, like, my girlfriend and my. I have this, like, £11 chihuahua right inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a mix. It's a mix. It's mix. Dude. Chi would be crazy.

[A]

Dude, I have a beast of a

[B]

m. That's the first time someone call. Someone asked me, like, called me out on that. Yeah. I always say, lem punch. No one says anything, but, yeah, it's a mix. It's like a. It's like a. A terrier in Chihuahua. So it's like.

[A]

Makes sense.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, so. But my family is inside.

[A]

It's not just YouTube.

[B]

I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying, like. Like, as I'm on psilocybin, I'm looking at them through the glass slider, and I'm like, my family's in there and I'm providing for them. I'm cooking, I'm hunting, I'm cooking. Then all this caveman shit started coming back. And then I'm like. And then I'm, like, trying to provide. It's such a heightened moment for my Family. Family. My hungry family. And I'm trying to flip this chicken. And then, dude, you know how, like, with mushrooms, I can't keep track of the time, dude.

[A]

And then burned everything.

[B]

But no, no, no, no. Like, but I'm cook. And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, and I had this overwhelming sensation that if I don't get this right, then I failed my family and that my girlfriend will be like, oh, he's going to be a bad husband. And I am flipping out, dude. I'm. I'm fighting that there's wolves in the. In the, in the fucking. In the. In the goddamn forest. Okay. That I can't see. It's pitch black. Cooking on another man's. In my head, I was like, this is another man's grill. What does that mean? You know, I'm flipping chicken that I have no idea how long I've been cooking it for. Then I think if I undercook it, that I'm gonna poison her, then she's gonna die, dude. It was awful. It was awful. And it was freezing, and I didn't bring my jacket, but I felt like I couldn't go inside because that was a failure if I didn't re. Enter with food. It was awful.

[A]

You got a caveman experience, dude.

[B]

Caveman experience.

[C]

It was all real, though. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Somebody feels every day, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I just think it's real funny because all those things are technically true.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But the way you're. It's like I'm a master the custodial arts. It's like, damn, you really put a spin on that. Oh, it made it scarier than it needed.

[B]

I know, but, dude, if I wasn't so live, man, it's like I'm just cooking chicken outside and I'm.

[C]

How did it come out? How was it?

[B]

It came out good. I, I, I. I went a little more than I should because I was like, I don't want sickness. But also in the. I couldn't cut. I couldn't see. Because it wasn't that. Everything was going against me, dude. It was not it. And. And I learned in that moment that I cannot take them at night. I do not. I want to never take them in a day. Dude, you're really missing out.

[A]

Well, once here with Josh, we had Josh Wolf. He likes to eat a lot of mushrooms.

[B]

He loves it.

[A]

And I had a bad trip. We did three mushroom episodes. I had a bad trip once, and it was in the day, and I had to be driven home.

[B]

Sucked, dude. I. Me and my co. Host on my podcast, Stiff Socks every Wednesday. Hey, now, Trevor Wallace, my homie till I die, we went to Amsterdam and did a mushroom pod, and it was so goddamn fun. Do we did it in the mushrooms from the store? Yes.

[A]

Did they hit right?

[B]

They hit good.

[A]

Okay. It wasn't the same, huh?

[B]

Not the same, but it was. It was still good.

[A]

Were they the spores or the little.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I bought some too. But I was like, I'm not taking these. And I gave me somebody.

[B]

Yeah. It was like. How do we. How do I say this? It felt like a sin. It felt like synthetic. But it was. It was good. It was good, but it was in a park and local. Local park. Who gives a shit? It was in a park and there was tons of people around and people were, like, cooking and all, and I had so much fun. And I told my producer who wasn't on mushrooms, like, yo, you gotta keep me focused, because when I'm on mushrooms, all I want to do is roam. All I want to do is get up and start talking to. And just looking at trees and talking to birds. Like, I. I'm a wanderer when I'm on mushrooms. You gotta keep me focused. And every four minutes, buddy, we were sitting on the ground, our backs are to the. On the tree, and we're talking about whatever. And every four minutes, I go, yo, yo, yo, yo. Gabe, Gabe. Gabe. His name's Gabe. I go, gabe, Gabe. Yeah. I gotta get up. I gotta get up. He goes, blau, blau. Sit down, man. He was talking to me like I was four years old. But I just. I need. I needed to know. I needed to know two things. There was a couple, and they were talking, and I needed to know what they were talking about for some reason. For some reason. And there was. There was two women on. There's a lot of cooking in these fucking stories, but two women cooking on, like, a public grill or whatever. And I couldn't see what they were cooking, dog. I needed to, in, like, the most silly kid, like, way.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was dying laughing. So, Gabe, Gabe, Gabe, for the. What are they cooking, bro? Can you look for me? I needed to know in a kid way, but, yeah. So I don't even know what the I'm saying. Oh, you send a podcast. I've only done a podcast one time on sale Stop. And I. It was very, very fun, but it was outside.

[A]

I've never done. I want to see outside on mushrooms.

[B]

You're crazy.

[A]

You should do it when I go outside. But at night.

[B]

No, dude, you get like you. It's like the first time before.

[A]

I never did anything nuts, dude.

[B]

The first. It's the. It's the only place to do mushrooms is outside. You can literally. I know it sounds like I'm joking, but I'm dead serious. Like, you can literally talk to trees.

[A]

I watched the snowflakers grow dogs in

[B]

the most energetic way. Like you. I'm like, this sounds like I'm a shaman, but like, I'm literally. We're transferring energy. I'm talking to it like it's.

[A]

It's real, so it has an accent.

[B]

What's up?

[A]

Did the tree have an accent?

[B]

Yeah, it's black, dude. I don't know why. Oh, yeah, yeah, From Buffalo.

[A]

Artist from Buffalo. You sound like.

[C]

Sound like Marty was it sound like

[A]

the tree of Pocahontas. The lady. I did a show one time and all the ladies look like the tree from Pocahontas. They're all 90 years old.

[B]

I don't like that at all.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, either. They didn't like me either.

[B]

Why can't I see? Why can't I remember the tree from.

[A]

It's all creepy and speaks to Pokemon.

[B]

Can you bring it up?

[A]

She has old face.

[C]

What about staring at yourself in a mirror, Walter?

[A]

Amazing.

[B]

Can't do it.

[A]

My favorite thing.

[B]

Can't do it. Won't do it. Scared.

[A]

Love it. I know what I look like at 90.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

No, I look sick as. As I look like Mara Lopez, but not as pretty. It's pretty cool there, everyone. Look at that.

[B]

Yes. Oh, I'm young. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Wow. Okay, I just. I. I did.

[A]

I couldn't get a Mexican woman with a blanket.

[B]

Yeah, I couldn't get it visually, but yeah, dude, you got. You just do me a favor, man. Next time you do, I'll do the day.

[A]

I have so much.

[B]

I was gonna say noon o'. Clock. Am I drunk? Noon.

[A]

You know what's in there?

[B]

Dude, don't do it to me, dude. If you put like H in here, I would literally break you.

[A]

Imagine such a loading up, dude. Oh, yeah. Get it now.

[B]

Get it, get it. My mom's carrying me.

[A]

Oh, it was. It was never my mom. My mom's a dick. I just remember somebody picking me up going, wow, this is cool. Oh, wow. Pretend to be asleep more. So I have to walk.

[B]

But I will say, dude, the worst ever as a kid. We would like drive. We would like vacation at the. At the beach, like, local beach in Maryland. And we would drive like all night. Whatever. It's like, probably wasn't that late, but I was like, you know, 10. So it's like 11pm probably in that moment where you have to get woken up after that, like, after that card snooze as a kid to the car. Oh, no, just, just get, get out of the car. I'm like, that feeling of like, all right, Michael, wake up. I'm like, the idea of like opening the car door as an 11 year old after that snooze is in is crazy.

[A]

It's funny because I know exactly what you're talking about. Of course it was the worst.

[B]

It was the worst.

[A]

It was the worst.

[B]

But. But the reason I bring it up is my mom would like to carry me in. I was like, 11, don't play. I mean, it's crazy. Michael, get your life together. Mostly. You're about to drive, you have a learner's permit, you.

[A]

So we grew up in Maryland.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Good kid in school or no

[B]

would get in trouble a ton. I wouldn't know. Well, it's like, it's. It's the balance, right? Because it's like, I think a lot of people go, I was, was getting in trouble a lot. That means you got bad grades. I didn't get. I. I got pretty slightly above average grades, but get in trouble a lot.

[A]

Are you talking about like, I'm funny get in trouble or like, I might sell drugs get in trouble?

[B]

Both.

[A]

Okay, Both.

[B]

I got in trouble a ton for just being an idiot. And that was like, just huge. Class clowns, anything to make anybody laugh, like, I would do it and I, you know, get in trouble. So. And I went to a private school, so I get in trouble. Like a. Even worse even. Yeah, but I was like a athlete. Get in trouble that way. And then when I was a senior, I started out of nowhere. I was a straight edge. I, like, I played basketball my whole life. Never smoked, never drank, whatever, because it, you know, I'd go to practice or whatever. But when I was a senior, I was such a businessman. I was like, I'm selling weed. Like, I need money. Like, not for like, oh, I'm gonna. So we did do it. I'm like, I. This is not like some Pablo Escobar. It's like, I want to do this because I understand, I understand market value of weed. So, like, I met this dude, like a pizza shop that he told me he could get me weed if I was interested. I was like, yeah, it, let's do it. And I started selling weed in high school, which Is like, it would be like, think about like a Mormon, just being like, hey, man, you want weed? Like, you sell weed, bro. But, yeah, I just started. So I was a combo. Like, getting in trouble. Like, funny wise, class clown wise. But also, I never got in trouble for selling weed.

[A]

Like, you're good at it.

[B]

I was pretty good. I got held up twice. So I wasn't that good by cops. No.

[A]

Oh, you got robbed. Oh, you're too trusting. But you're a good at.

[B]

So here's the funny thing. Very long story short. The dude that robbed me. Actually, this is story. I sound sage, but the guy who robbed me, I'm pretty sure it was like, he was like a novice in Robin because he put the. He. He. Because I. He put the gun to my. I can still feel it kind of, right? But he put the gun to my ribs and was like, give me all this. And I was like. I literally. I don't know why I was this calm, which is. Maybe I'm a psycho. But I was like, man, we don't have. I don't have it. Like, you think I left it all in my trunk? Because he saw earlier today. I go, you think I left it in my trunk? You're crazy, bro. Like, you can look if you want, but it's not there. And he goes. And he. And I was, like, moving a little bit. He goes, joe, don't. You're gonna grab. He thought I was gonna get a gun. I was like, bro, I play golf. Like, I don't have a. Literally, I play golf. I don't have a gun. Like, you're crazy. The drugs aren't here. I don't have a gun. Like, you can look if you want. I don't have it. And I. He was in panic and just bounced. All the drugs were in the trunk for sure.

[A]

They were.

[B]

All of them? All of them. £4 in the trunk could have robbed me.

[A]

Didn't look because you're convincing, dude. Yeah. Like, are you stupid? Think I have that?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

The. The whole, like, you can look if you want. I think that was a thing. Yeah, I'm a bro. I don't, like, go look.

[A]

What do you think? You just have £4 in your lap?

[B]

You think I'm gonna leave it in my trunk? It's been five hours since I saw you. He could have got it.

[A]

I. Honestly, dude, I only saw weed to people I knew or people I knew that I could be like, hey, if something happens, I'm gonna fucking. And it's your fault.

[B]

Well, this Is part of the story I picked up from my connect in dc. I'm from Maryland, DC area. I was living in South Carolina, going to college at the time. I drove all the way down to Maryland to pick it up, and I picked it up. Or D.C. i picked up in D.C. and my buddy from high school hit me up like maybe an hour after I had. It goes, yo, can I get whatever? And I go. I go, yeah, it's not slid up and weighed out yet, but I can meet you there. So, like an idiot, because I knew him, I met him at his place and his cousin was with him. So when I opened the trunk, the cousin saw everything. And then four or five hours later, my buddy from high school hit me up. Was like, yo, my cousin wants to buy an ounce or whatever. And I was like, okay, cool. Met his cousin in a park like an idiot at like 11:12. And that's what happened. So he saw that I had all of it. So I was selling to someone I knew, but it was like, yeah, it was a Jason. But it was.

[A]

Never happened.

[B]

Should have never done it.

[A]

Should never have. No, your homie knows it because it's a piece of shit or not.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, and I called. I called my buddy like, non stop for like four hours after that. He finally picked up. And I was like, dude, what the you doing? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. His cousin got on. Got on the phone and goes, yo, I know where you live. And I go, all right. And I literally just hung up the phone because he did know where I lived and he knew where my, like, not where I lived in the. He knew where my mom's house was.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, I'm not gonna get my mom implicated in this.

[A]

It's only £4. I'm not a cartel.

[B]

All right. I don't know. I think you just said it.

[A]

I was like, yeah, no, I totally get it. But it's like worth. They're like, oh, yeah. It's not even worth it.

[B]

He didn't even rob me. The. The bit is, it's truth. He was trying to buy an ounce. He gave me like 50 extra dollars, whatever. And I was counting his change.

[A]

And then he tried to rob you

[B]

and then gave you the money? Buddy, buddy, buddy. No, no, he tried. Hold on. He gave me the money. He gave me too much money. I was counting as change. Then he takes out a gun, the whole story after that. And then he gets so spooked, he left. He took the drugs, but left the money. I made money.

[A]

You sold him a Zip. And got a gun pulled on you. Yeah, but.

[B]

No, no but incredible. But I made money because he left change.

[A]

He must have been so mad. So pissed, bro. I think he got. He got text.

[B]

He got. He. Yeah, he got. But the funny. He had a gun and he like. I robbed him.

[A]

Yeah, incredible.

[B]

Wild.

[A]

Yeah, like you know. You know how good I am at talking. I won. Yeah, incredible. Yeah. No, we talked about it recently. The only time everyone was got r was a bunch of gangsters, but not as fun as that buster.

[B]

Gangsters is scary.

[A]

Yeah, but that's way more fun. The fact that you made money on it is way more.

[B]

Is crazy.

[A]

So sick.

[B]

I mean, what. But see, I feel for that guy because he was probably freaked the out and he was like, oh, I did all this for no reason. Let me get a at here.

[A]

Most expensive we'd have ever bought.

[B]

I mean, dude. Yeah.

[C]

Did you say it was two times you got robbed?

[B]

I got robbed that time and I got shot at another time. I only got robbed once for what the.

[A]

That's over weed over.

[B]

Weed all over. Weed all over A couple pounds.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Yeah, I got. Well the. The first time. Well, here's how dumb I am. I got shot at and I kept

[A]

going, like to the next job.

[B]

No, no, I'm saying I kept selling for sure. And then that didn't make me the. The rob didn't make me quit. What happened is I went back, whatever, months later, back to D.C. to pick up again. And my connect was being so weird on the phone. Like, he's like, yo, when are you coming, man?

[A]

Is he a college kid?

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. He was an older guy and he's like, yo, when are you coming? I'm like, oh, man, I'm gonna be there in a second. He goes, no, but like, like, when are you coming? Like, so weird that like all my whole gut I was like, nope. And I just didn't show up. He just kept. He was just being super weird. And I'm like, oh, he's either gonna rob me or there's cops or something. I. So I drove this six hours from South Carolina and didn't pick it up. And as I'm driving back, I'm like, bro, what the am I doing? What am I doing? Like, get a job like a normal person. I'm gonna my whole life up for like, you know, a little. It's not a little bit, but like, it's not like life changing money.

[A]

There's always fluctuation between 3,000 down 3,000 down. I made a couple pounds money on this. Pounds. And I sold a bunch of ounces. I might have made a couple racks. Yeah, it's nothing. Like, I can't go buy a car off these.

[B]

No, no, no. It's like, it's. Yeah.

[A]

It's not enough to be scared of.

[B]

All right, that's. That's what I was thinking. It's like, it's enough to like, oh, it's cool because you get to go to the bar and buy everyone shots, whatever. But like, you're not. Like, I'm not saving for a home. Like, what am I doing? Yeah, yeah. And so that was. That was the last time when I was like, I could have went to jail. He was being so weird, dude. I remember him.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, I totally. The only reason I started selling weeks, I was like, this shit's not worth it anymore. Just California prices. Everything just went to. And I was like, I'm done, dude. Like, yeah, make $3,000 on like 40, 50 pounds of weed is the dumbest stupid I've ever done.

[B]

Stupid. Now you smoke weed on camera. Much better.

[A]

Oh, my God. I remember, like, I had so much weed in the trunk and a rental, a red rental with out of state plates. Pacheco Pass in Santa Cruz, the drug area. And I'm like, this is it. And if this is it, this is my fault. And I'm driving. I'm like, I'm just gonna let it join anyway. It. If I'm done, I'm done. And I'm like, this is the. And that's when I realized, like, this is not. I made nothing.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I can't do this anymore. Yeah, it's just. I love selling weed though. I love going, we need an ounce. I love it, dude. I don't know what like, no, no,

[B]

dude, the. The business acumen of it is so fun. It like hits all my adhd. It's like, yeah, organize, organize, organize, organize. Stack, like vacuum seal, make sure everything's thing. You have it all backpack, whatever. My favorite thing was just have it. Now we're all going to go to jail. But my favorite thing was having it pre sold. I felt like a fucking Jeep. Yeah, I would have all of it pre sold. And then when I drove, I'm like, yo, everyone meet me at the blah, blah, blah. And literally just here, here, here, and it will be gone. So I'd make the 1, 2, 3k whatever it was and then about it. And then I have nothing on me. It was like.

[A]

The best thing was like. And your Money's organized. You're the man. Because I heard people just be like, yo, here's a $3,000 in 20s and fives.

[B]

Yeah. And there's, like, organizing at least on this.

[A]

Yeah. It's like, dudes, the crumb. Some of it's crumbled.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When people are like, yo, here. It's all facing the same way. I'm like, thank you. Because I was gonna do that anyway.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I love? Honestly, when they would put it in, like. Like. Like a. Like a. What is it, like a freezer bag? They put in a freezer bag and then sack. I would love that.

[A]

You know, the best thing I ever did was when I used buy weed from Asian dudes. Every thousand, they'd put a hundred the opposite. So stack, stack, stack. Thousand, 100 opposites. That's 100 opposite. She's like, oh, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. That's five stacks. Just. Oh, man, it was a great.

[B]

Dude, the Asian world is just great.

[A]

Boom. Back over the old way.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I get it. Oh, I get it. I've never. I never received money like that, but I get it.

[A]

That's how I did. I went. You guys made explosives. You guys are smart. You guys made up gunpowder, dude. That's why, like, there's no other way.

[B]

Gunpowder and opium, dude.

[A]

They're the coolest.

[B]

You love the Asian world.

[A]

I'm supposed to be. I watch. Love Russia.

[C]

Love Russia.

[A]

Which one of y' all kicked me?

[C]

So what happened when they shot at you, though? Speaking of gunpowder, like, what's up, gunpowder?

[A]

What happened when they shot you?

[C]

They were trying to rob you.

[B]

There nothing that shot at me, like,

[A]

trying to rob you or just trying to get out of here?

[B]

No, dude, I picked it up from a different. Excuse me. A different connect. I was in my buddy's black Jeep Cherokee. I remember this distinctly. I picked up, and I was just. It didn't seem. No one was, like, pissed or whatever, but as I am leaving, there was some skirmish. Maybe I just missed the thing. But they started to shoot at me, and they skimmed the side mirror or whatever the. And I had to explain to my buddy what happened, and I had to pay for his mirror, but it. It didn't break the mirror, but it skimmed, like, the top. You can see, like a little bullet through the top.

[A]

That sucks.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, that's why I stopped using his connect, but I probably should have kept using him because the other one was trying to get me clipped or whatever the hell the term is.

[A]

Damn man, the Wire, man. The Wire.

[B]

Yeah, the Wire. Yeah. I was probably 5, 6 in white, right? The Wire.

[A]

Wire.

[B]

What's up? Chevy Chase, Maryland. The most affluent place.

[A]

Hey, it's okay. Wire, you always say. Yeah. You ever seen the Wire?

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. You ever pick up. You ever pick up drugs in boat shoes?

[A]

Sockless.

[B]

Sockless, dude. Yes, bro. Sockless boat shoes with a golf bag. Yes. That's why I used to keep it. That's why I used to keep it. Say again?

[A]

Do you ever have a. A Toyota Tacoma?

[B]

I've never. I mean, I know of one. I never had one.

[A]

Okay. So usually every white dude that I've ever met that sells weed in abundance always has a Toyota Tacoma.

[B]

I had a. I had a Toyota. Do you want to guess which one I had?

[A]

Silica. Yeah.

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

Steve Smith. You're Steve Smith from American dad. Cuz that's what he would have if he was selling weed, dude.

[B]

Toyota Celica. Toyota Celica. And I painted it. Guess.

[A]

Bright green.

[B]

Bright is the first color, but bright. Keep going.

[A]

Blue.

[B]

No.

[A]

I don't know what else. White.

[B]

Orange. I painted it bright. Why orange?

[A]

To be inconspicuous,

[B]

dude. But that's how dumb I am. Painted in bright orange. Have 19 inch, like, blacked out gunmetal rims.

[A]

Oh, you're that kid.

[B]

I was that kid.

[A]

Oh, and he can cross you. You were the. When you're about 19.

[B]

I. Dude. Oh, my.

[A]

Don't shoot at him.

[B]

Ah, shoot. I do the shoot.

[A]

Yeah, I'll shoot, dude. No.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you're Marty. You're. You grew up. Of course.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

No, it is awesome.

[A]

Yeah. Toyota Silica. I used to deliver pizza. So I would sell weed on my pizza routes.

[B]

That's huge.

[A]

It was great because just walking with a bag scale, like a qp, I'd bring like the. The Mason jar. The big one.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So if you look.

[B]

My pizza jar. God damn it. We're bringing me back now.

[A]

I keep bags on me. And then I'd. I would just smash around town, get to my drop, drop the pizza off, and then get over there fast enough to sell weed and come back and I would just smoke weed the whole time. I made so much money on my routes, more than I ever made at work. And it was so fun. I mean, like you said, I was working at pizza, I was going to school, college sucked, my house wasn't awesome, but, man, was it fun.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

Dude, there's 12 sacks the end of the hour. I'll be Done with those. And I'll just get some more deliveries. Go drop them all off.

[B]

There's something about that. Because even you go back to, like, my Goosebumps books collection. There's something about like. And maybe some adhd. Whatever the. But there's something about, like, as a whole. Yeah, I got a thing and everything. Can I say something else? And maybe you're gonna be a boy with me because you love this. And this is gonna be a wild statement. It's not. It's not wild, but it's like. It's a simple statement.

[A]

The only white people in your house.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Oh, what are you gonna say? That's wild?

[B]

Jesus. No, there's, there's a. I get such a great sensation when I'm packing in my backpack and it. And I zit and everything's up and done and everything's packed in it. Like, I, I thought you guys make fun of me.

[A]

We have the same retardation, dude.

[B]

I'm telling you.

[A]

We have this preparation.

[B]

It, dude, it's like it makes me so fucking happy. And everything has its place. Everything's folded.

[A]

Oh, you're me. You know what's driving me nuts? These aren't all facing the same. I've been looking at like. I'll just leave it al.

[B]

We're both autistic.

[A]

Oh, dude, I swear to God, I'm the same way, man.

[B]

But it makes. Dude, so hold on.

[A]

Straight. Straightness. Yeah, I do the same thing. Like, it all fit. Like when my laptop fits my hash, my thing, some papers, and I go, everything I could possibly need is in this bag.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

Let's get the out of here. I don't know what it is. My car, spotless. I don't keep anything in my car.

[B]

Nothing. Dude, dude, my, my car. My car's a little dirty right now. I, I, I, I driving you nuts. A buddy. I almost stopped to wash it. To wash it. And I was going to have my PR person text you.

[A]

Like, he's 45 minutes late. He's going to become dripping wet. Yeah, no, I'm the same way. I don't know what it is about seeing everything put together.

[B]

Oh, it's great.

[A]

I love it. So what was it that Sin City. Remember Sin City, the movie?

[B]

Do I remember? Oh, yes. I, I, yes, yes.

[A]

Okay, well, this is the part where he's putting all stuff. My mitts, my gun, my this, my that.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I love that.

[B]

Those scenes in all the action movies when they're all getting ready, like The Rambo shit or whatever. Like, just. Oh, God, look at this. I want a gun just so I can. Look at. I have a gun. That's it. Not even use it. I want to open it up too.

[A]

Yeah, that's why.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, me too, dude. But I just. I want to just. I want to like a safe that can go pink. Ping, ping, king, and open it and just.

[A]

I don't know how to use any of these.

[B]

Nothing. But look at this, dude. I want the hand guy. Dude, like a John Wick. I want a John Wick closet 100, which is.

[C]

It's all the accessories and gear and with the silencer.

[A]

Let me get that.

[B]

But, dude, that's what. That's why I love golf, buddy. There's endless supply of gear that you need. You need this. You need the range finder. Oh, you know, I don't like this putter. Let me try another one of this driver.

[A]

I need gloves.

[B]

What if I regript it? What? I mean, do it. It's like, it scratches all the itches.

[A]

A great. Like, you know what's in this one? You know what's in here? Because you just described. I have a. I know a guy that has, you know, the dabs. They'll put like a cap, a piece of glass on top.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

But you can get like, it's Homer Simpson's face made into the cloud. I know a guy that has maybe like 500 different beats and this and that. And he's like, I'm gonna take a dad. But like, this is the scene where Homer has a moomoo. And I'm gonna put it in there. And the cap is Michael Jackson as the guy from the insane asylum.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's it. Yeah.

[A]

Because I'm a. I'm a card collector. I was like, I have extensive football car collection. And every one of them is organized. I wrote down the price, the year, the make.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

All in my book. And I have a Beckett book. I checked the price.

[B]

I was a. Oh, my God, a Beckett book. Dude, you bringing me back. I was Mason jar in the Beckett book.

[A]

You play with marbles. Did you have them color coordinated like I did? Because I did. That means yes.

[B]

Dude. I have never had someone say so excitedly to me. Did you play marbles?

[A]

Did you?

[B]

No.

[A]

Ah, you know Asians.

[B]

Can I say this? Yeah. No, they're not allowed in my house. Call back.

[C]

Let's go.

[B]

No, but what am I saying? Oh, the Becca book. Dude, I have an extensive basketball card. Oh, do you Collection. And it's at my mom's place. I recently there's in like a chest, right?

[A]

Mine's in a chest too.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

Are we gonna kiss a flip lock?

[B]

Mine too.

[A]

Is it green?

[B]

No.

[A]

Okay, mine's green.

[B]

Mine's orange. No, everything's house is orange. No, it's just a brown one. But I recently look because I haven't opened it dog in 15 years. Dude, I opened it up and I started. I started like, I'm like, yo, I have a house. I, I. Dude, I started. I started talking about on my potty. Like, yo, I have this and I have that. And people would like DM me be like, you almost worth fam. That's blank. Blank. But it's like. But now the card market's kind of. It went down. If I. If I. I should have sold high.

[A]

Me too.

[B]

It's all good.

[A]

We talked about it recently. I was faced during the pandemic with my friends and I have a car collection. I'm like, you guys don't know how to collect cards. Let me show you some. I had unopened X Men packs from like 1994. We busted him open. I hit the 1 in 8,000 pack gold Wolverine got it. Like, we're all facing. Can't go anywhere. We're like, let's hang out one day since the world's not allowed to hang out. And then what we found. Well, I have a. I'm a football car collection.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Tom Brady rookie gold royal rookie. I put it away because I was like, this guy just started the NFL. I think he's going to be good. I sealed it in sixth grade in the hard case during the pandemic. We opened it. It's Tom Brady's rookie royal Beckett. Never been touched ever in life.

[B]

Can I guess?

[A]

Guess.

[B]

75, 101.

[A]

I ran into PSA.

[B]

I got two words for you.

[A]

Sell it. I want that kid. I show speed to buy it because he will buy it. He loves Tom Brady and he's got the money and he can make a whole video out of like. Yeah. Never been touched since grade. Here, give me money. I'll take 80. Just give me money, dude.

[B]

Can't. Can. Can I can. I have a big call back here. He would backflip.

[A]

He would backflip to split for sure. Split.

[B]

Sounds like a Tony Hawk move.

[A]

It is back.

[B]

That was a three.

[A]

I think it's part 23. When you're. When you're hitting the. The airplane level.

[B]

Dude, you're a big Tony Hawk guy.

[A]

Just video games and Tony Hawk. He's awesome. We had him here one time. We got him.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

Really up. But he didn't get high. He was just in the room and like I said, oh, dude, if you,

[B]

if y' all started smoking, I would get high, dude. I did whatever a year ago, Whatever the I got so sorry. Going back, did a weed show and just, just being in the room. Yeah, the Ambers or whatever the word I'm looking for. I was like, I was on stage and I'm like, oh, you know, I could tell like a little high. This is weird. Like my, my legs start feeling tickly.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Thank you for knowing what I'm talking about.

[C]

Dude.

[B]

I, when I was, when I was first start smoking, I would know that I'd be so, I'd be like, guys, guys, my legs are tickling, bro. But. And I just would. And then I would like go into this really high pitched voice and I remember like, like, yo, do your high voice. And I'd be like, my would go like, dude, it will go up nine octaves. What was my point? Oh, and, but I was doing stand up and I was, my legs started ting. I was like, oh, no, bro, I gotta get, I can't do stand up. Like, I cannot, I can't walk high. Like, I need, I can't.

[A]

Dude, I, I smoke a pound, right? I just got high one time before a set. I will never do it again.

[B]

It's awful, dude.

[A]

It's. I went up there with, yeah, what am I? What am I?

[C]

What was I?

[A]

What, what was my set?

[B]

You know?

[A]

And I had to drink water. I went, thank God. I put notes on my phone and it was open. Thank God. I do it again.

[B]

Here's the problem, man. I've never done it. I've never done like high, high. I, I, dude, if I smoked before, I just wouldn't go. I just, I just wouldn't go. I just, it would, I would cancel the show. But the idea of I could, I could imagine myself on stage high. And the idea of like having this thought of being like, wow, this is a lot of people that I'm responsible for.

[A]

Oh, you went back into the mushrooms. I'm providing him for chicken.

[B]

Not even providing, but just like, oh, I could like, I'm, I could like, if I up a word, like, this is a problem and that like that is turned completely off. And we stand there for so long. I mean, I don't even think about that anymore. You know, people like, yo, this is a lot of people. Like, I don't even. Who Fuck it. I don't think about that. You do your set and whatever. But I think if I was high, I would really get really micro focused on that.

[A]

Dude, I did.

[B]

I did stand up one time when I was on Adderall. It was the worst.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Thing that's ever happened to me.

[A]

I would say Adderall once. It didn't do much to me.

[B]

It floors me.

[A]

What's supposed to do

[B]

just makes you hyper focused.

[A]

Oh, you didn't like that?

[B]

No, because stand up for me. I'm not thinking. I'm like. I'm just in the zone. I'm riffing. Like, the best way to describe it is like Adderall, like goes like this and makes you super focused on. Like if you're like editing or you're like painting or whatever the fuck you're doing. But stand up for me. Like, I need blinders off. I need to just be able to riff and there's a can't, like whatever, but shuts that part of my brain off. So it was awful. Like, the set was fine because I just stuck to the fucking script and I wasn't fucking around. But it was. It was. It was awful for me because I just was too locked in. And that's the opposite. I want to be your stand up. I'm such a lightweight, dude, that like, before, I will. This happens very rarely, but maybe like once every like fucking six months. I have one Adderall at my house and it's a time released one. So what I will do, because I don't really like parties, but sometimes you have to go, right? What I do is I literally put like two or three, four beads. You know, fucking. You know what I mean? The time release has his little tiny beads in it. You know what I'm talking about?

[A]

No, but keep going.

[B]

Okay, there's like just. Yeah, just imagine like tiny little beads in it.

[A]

Oxy's.

[B]

I don't know what an oxy is, but you were in Bakersfield, so you probably know.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. No, no, I've watched it many times. You gotta rub off the time release and he had a little piece of wet nap. He's like. So it hits you right away.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

It was a drug addict.

[B]

It's just whatever. This is like a tiny, like a thousand, like tiny balls in time, right? So what I do, you're supposed to take the whole thing and it's supposed to time release in your body.

[A]

One little bead, buddy.

[B]

I'm literally taking like three or four beads. This is how. This is how Much. This fucks me up. Taking three or four beads, licking my finger and taking three or four beads and going like this before the party. And it's perfect. It's perfect because I can. I'm not locked in, but I'm enjoying conversations with people that I would normally hate. Oh, does that make sense?

[A]

That's me. Anywhere. I would love that.

[B]

I'm. No you. I don't know.

[A]

I hate being at anywhere that's not my house.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

With a bunch of people I've never met. Because I always assume everybody's gonna be rude. And I'm like, do we have to fight now?

[B]

Yeah. The root.

[A]

I shouldn't have been here.

[B]

The rude thing. Maybe for me it's just like, everyone's boring to me, so I'm just like, I'm. I'm stuck in a. I'm like, dude, I don't want to do this, man. I thought you're from Vermont. Who gives a.

[A]

Like, four dudes from Vermont. You say that. That's so funny. Yeah, but I'm just like, four guys from Vermont. Like, what's there? Syrup?

[B]

But. But when I'm on three or four beads. Oh, buddy, you're from Vermont, bro. Walk me through that. Like, what.

[C]

How is that? Like.

[B]

Because that's like a kind of a small place. You feel. Do you feel like a bigger person or do you feel like a smaller? Like, how's your personality? Do you think you're. Do you think you're state resembles your. Like, I'm locked in.

[A]

Bigger state, smaller. I need Adderall, dude. That's so fun.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, but it's fun. It's fun.

[A]

Wow. I always felt like a piece of going, yeah, everyone's bored. I'm bored. I thought I was just an. Like Malcolm in the middle. He's always bored. Like, I'm not smart like that. Why am I bored? And he. I didn't get it.

[B]

Yeah, I. I just.

[A]

I just don't want to be at any party going, where are you from?

[B]

Well, that's. What. Well, that's. That's. That's. That's the problem. But like. But I find like, one and I hate it, bro. But once I, like, work, like, most people are chill. You just have to get through that first 10 minutes of conversation, small talk. But when I am. When I'm just regular in life, it's so hard for me to do that. I don't want to do that, man. I want funny people like this. I want to around. But it's like, I. It's really hard for me just to be like, what? Whoa. Don't you feel like HR Block?

[A]

I feel like such a dick, dude. I feel like such an. When I think about, like. I don't want to talk right now.

[C]

Do you have kids?

[B]

I don't.

[C]

Wait till you have kids. It's the. I mean, that's your life.

[A]

I'm at eight days.

[C]

You got to deal with parents.

[A]

The bane of Marty. Sexual adults. Yeah.

[B]

No, I'm out.

[A]

What's your morning routine? I smoke bowls at 4aM we don't relate. It. That's it. I beat my kids. Did you know there's no buses in Orange county for school?

[B]

What do they do?

[A]

They fend for themselves.

[B]

I mean, they probably kid Uber it or whatever, right?

[A]

It's so sad.

[C]

Yeah, you're looking at them.

[A]

What do you mean he's gotta take his kids three different schools.

[C]

For some reason we don't got school buses. So you gotta like buses in the

[A]

rich part of LA or rich part of Southern California every day.

[C]

They have every parent. They don't have public school buses flood the neighborhood manually. Pick up these kids one by one.

[A]

Dual Inc. We have no dual incomes, basically, is what I'm saying. Because one parent can't work. You have to pick up your kids every day and drop them off.

[B]

It's wild. I mean, I went to private, so that makes sense.

[A]

What is that like though? How many kids are in your class?

[B]

I mean, in elementary school there's probably like maybe like 35, 40. Of the whole grade. Of my whole grade in. In like first to eighth grade. But that's like pretty normal for like, catch a nickname.

[A]

It doesn't go away like that. No, man. The same 35 kids, everyone always be

[B]

like, yo, big dick.

[C]

My.

[A]

Yeah, they always might always rhyme with agate. It would always be like, hey, I'm like, oh. I'll pretend I didn't hear the beginning.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yo. Yeah.

[A]

They say in Spanish. I'm like, what? Tell my grandma. I don't know what you said, but growing up in a private school must have been kind of cool. I always mentioned just Bernie Mac. It's the only private school knowledge I have. Jordan and Bernie Mac.

[B]

I think my private school was different because one, it was co head. A lot of the private schools around me were not co ed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's co ed. And we always would say like, it's as close you can get to a public school. But it was private, so it wasn't like, you know, there was. There was wealthy people There cool people. It was like a, you know, a smorgasbord of people. So it was, you know, we had to wear uniforms or whatever, but it was like.

[A]

Oh, like a guy and whatnot.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I always wonder what that would be like. I always feel like I'd be like the president of a tech company or something.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is there a lot of those?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, dude. I mean, we're. I'm from Maryland. Right. So that's like. There's tons of, like, politicians, obviously, that live in Maryland. So it's a lot of those private schools. Like, we would go to parties and stuff, and, you know, I can't even think of a positive, but, like, the congressman's kid would be there, and there'd be like a weird secret Service agency.

[A]

All the drugs.

[B]

Yeah, dude.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Rich kids with parents not there when parents aren't there with Mexican kids. You get a gangster, you get a politician that's not there. You get a drug addict.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I like it. Yeah.

[A]

At least I as. I'll sell the drugs to them eventually.

[B]

That was. Dude, that was a big part of my high school market.

[A]

Yo, you had such a cool life on the other side of the country, Marty. Imagine that. Like. Yeah. I go private school, so. All the drugs. Yeah, why not? That's all they want to do. I mean, I. I've seen that one movie. What's his name? I've seen that one movie. That's exactly it. The part where the gun keeps jamming. Like, I need to sell drugs. Look at this. No, come on.

[C]

What's.

[A]

Cruel Intentions?

[C]

Oh,

[A]

the private school, it was.

[B]

That's a little bit more like New York, Manhattan experience. Like, that feel of a school. Like everyone's dumb, wealthy.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A lot of wealth in the schools. But it wasn't like that. Like, that's like. That's like uber, uber private.

[A]

Like, got you get picked by a limo driver.

[B]

Correct, correct. But I imagine your school is a

[A]

lot like the 10 things they hate about you school. A lot of you know what, singing at you know what at lunch.

[B]

A little bit.

[A]

As you said, it was closest to a private school. It's like, there's not as many Mexicans or black guys as a private school.

[B]

No, we were good. We were good in sports, though, so a lot of.

[A]

Oh, so never mind.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

How about boxing? So no Mexicans.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's all working.

[B]

You know, the high school boxing sounds so weird.

[A]

That sounds ball. You see the child MMA, I don't approve this kid's arm, barring feather 4 year olds. Like that's up for his confidence.

[B]

Dude, I don't know.

[A]

Could it be a 4 getting arm barred like, hey, do my homework or arm bar you again? Like you can.

[B]

Yeah. But also, also like if you live through that, you're gonna be a better adult because you're like, oh, I'm fired up. Fired, bro. I got arm bar when I was a. When I was eight years old.

[A]

He trial choked me. His dick was in. In my face.

[B]

Yeah. And I enjoyed it. Happy pride.

[A]

Exactly. Happy Juneteenth, you guys. Happy Juneteenth, you guys.

[B]

Not to bring that party, but I gotta bounce.

[A]

Yeah, no, you're gonna go. I'm closing them right before we get out of here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What day does Stiff Socks podcast come out?

[B]

Wednesday. Every Wednesday. Stiff Socks pod. It's usually once you wake up on Wednesday, it'll be.

[C]

That's funny

[A]

that day. Okay. All right.

[B]

Yeah, it comes out. It comes out that day. Yeah, yeah, it comes out between 12 and 12.

[A]

Sometime that day, you.

[B]

You will wake up with it in your feed. But I don't know, I don't put it out. So I don't know. But probably around 1am type of thing.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

Yeah, love it. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, and how can everybody get tickets for your show?

[B]

Go to blau comedy.com. blau comedy.com Guys, tour is up. 40 cities or something. Go, go buy some tickets. Already selling up.

[A]

Everything will be linked in the description of this.

[B]

Love you.

[A]

Sounds fun. Thank you for being here, buddy.

[B]

I had such a good time. I didn't know what to expect, but this was.

[A]

So what happens when the cameras turn off? You're gonna hate it, dude. Oh, you're gonna hate it.

[B]

I'm gonna put you in Armbar, Doc.

[C]

Oh, he's headed to the front.

[A]

Will help the situation, honestly. So Armbar me. Yes.

[B]

Hold on. What?

[A]

Back down, legs up. It's gonna be sick, guys. From Michael, from Marty and I appreciate you guys day.

[B]

Peace. Bye.

[C]

Oh,

[A]

Perfect. Perfect. Perf.