Never Scared w/ David Lucas!

Summary

DOPE AS USUAL Podcast - Episode: Never Scared w/ David Lucas!

Hosts: Marty O'Neill & Thomas Araujo
Guest: David Lucas
Release Date: May 27, 2025

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1. Welcome and Equipment Banter (00:18 - 05:00)

The episode kicks off with David Lucas jestingly critiquing the podcast's microphone stand, setting a lighthearted and humorous tone for the conversation.

• David Lucas [00:18]: “Y' all too rich for this Raggedy ass mic stand.”
• Johnny Carson [00:27]: “You don't like the mic stand?”

This playful exchange segues into a discussion about setting up a home studio, highlighting the hosts' dedication and the challenges they face in creating quality content amidst their busy schedules.

• David Lucas [00:56]: “We have half of this that I'm setting up in my house to make a studio. That's how busy we've been.”

2. Touring Life and Evolving Comedy Sets (05:00 - 21:05)

David delves into the rigors of touring, emphasizing the relentless schedule of performing multiple shows a week to establish his name and generate income.

• David Lucas [01:28]: “When you're doing these comedy clubs to make money, you do Thursday through Saturday. Then if you're lucky, you might have a Sunday.”

He discusses his approach to maintaining fresh and engaging sets, balancing rehearsed material with spontaneous additions to keep performances dynamic.

• David Lucas [02:03]: “When I film my special, I did that set for like a month. I didn't alter it at all because I knew what I was gonna say… I'm always tinkering with something or writing something new.”

The conversation highlights the importance of adaptability in comedy, referencing fellow comedians like Bobby Lee who continually evolve their acts to remain relevant and entertaining.

• Johnny Carson [03:05]: “I've watched Bobby Lee do the same set for six years straight. Somehow keeps getting better.”

3. Skip Advertisements (21:05 - 48:06)

[Note: This segment contains advertisements and promotional content, which are omitted from the summary as per guidelines.]

4. Post-Advertisements: Personal Stories and Social Commentary (48:06 - 105:02)

a. Drug Use and Personal Experiences

The hosts openly discuss their experiences with substances, focusing on weed and its varying effects.

• David Lucas [48:15]: “I do with weed… I only smoke CBD dominant.”
• Johnny Carson [48:29]: “CBD dominant weed, which is crazy. How did you even find it?”

They explore the differences between CBD and psychoactive strains, sharing personal anecdotes about their usage and its impact on their lives.

b. Social Media and Authenticity

A significant portion of the discussion centers around the authenticity of social media followers, expressing disdain for fake followers and highlighting the negative impact of superficial online metrics.

• Johnny Carson [30:01]: “I'm just talking because only fat people.”
• David Lucas [30:18]: “Anybody who's on Reddit threads and leaving negative YouTube comments, you ain't got much in life.”

They critique the superficiality of online interactions and promote genuine engagement over inflated follower counts.

c. Comedy Career Highlights and Special Releases

David Lucas shares milestones in his comedy career, including his upcoming special and performances at prestigious venues like Madison Square Garden.

• David Lucas [63:18]: “August 15th, me, Tony and the boys were actually doing stand up at Madison Square Garden. Oh, that'll be the biggest venue.”
• Johnny Carson [63:29]: “We put it in the description davidlucascomedy.com.”

The conversation underscores the dedication required to succeed in stand-up comedy, balancing personal life with professional aspirations.

d. Reflections on Family and Parenting

Personal reflections on family life and parenting emerge, with David discussing the joys and challenges of raising children amidst a demanding career.

• David Lucas [66:47]: “Their happiness makes me happy… Scraping up money to go buy her fucking Pampers and formula…”
• Johnny Carson [86:18]: “All right, that's it. Have a dope ass day.”

These heartfelt moments contrast with the comedic banter, revealing the human side of the hosts and their commitment to their families.

e. Views on Politics and Social Issues

The hosts venture into discussions about politics, race relations, and societal perceptions, offering candid and often provocative opinions.

• David Lucas [55:19]: “They basically make the silent majority go away… They're supporting this white. We don't give a fuck.”
• Johnny Carson [55:41]: “He stabbed this kid to death. How did he get out?”

This segment reflects the hosts' frustrations with societal narratives and their desire for more nuanced conversations around sensitive topics.

f. Upcoming Projects and Tours

The conversation circles back to future endeavors, including upcoming shows, podcast appearances, and collaborative projects.

• Thomas [91:07]: “Where would you like to film at? If you could pick anyone?”
• David Lucas [91:17]: “We on Netflix. The number two podcast on YouTube after jail.”

They discuss their aspirations to expand their reach through various media platforms, aiming for broader recognition and success.

Notable Quotes

• David Lucas [02:48]: “But then if I sit in that pocket of that joke and continue to say it more, you start adding more stuff and you go in depth with it more.”
• Johnny Carson [03:10]: “Everybody's just late. Nothing's rad.”
• David Lucas [09:38]: “And then at Christmas gifts… stole them. Broke into our house two days before Christmas, stole the Christmas gifts.”
• Johnny Carson [21:05]: “[Skip: Advertisement Segment]”
• David Lucas [48:15]: “I do with weed… I only smoke CBD dominant.”
• Johnny Carson [55:44]: “He's a horse.”
• Thomas [90:12]: “She's not distracted.”
• Johnny Carson [101:44]: “I've never seen this person.”

Conclusion

The "Never Scared" episode of the DOPE AS USUAL Podcast offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and candid discussions on various aspects of life, comedy, and society. David Lucas brings a unique perspective, balancing the demands of a comedy career with personal responsibilities and social observations. The hosts engage listeners with their authentic interactions, making the episode both entertaining and insightful for those who haven't tuned in.

For more information and to catch up on upcoming shows, visit davidlucascomedy.com and follow David Lucas on all social platforms under the handle David Lucas Funny.

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Official Features: USA TODAY, PEOPLE, NEW YORK POST, TED TALK, XXL, FORBES, COMPLEX, THE SHADE ROOM, REVOLT TV, POWER 106, SPOTIFY & MORE

Transcript

[David Lucas]

Perfect. Perfect. Y' all too rich for this Raggedy ass mic stand.

[Johnny Carson]

You don't like the mic stand?

[David Lucas]

Y too rich for this?

[Johnny Carson]

What's wrong with it?

[David Lucas]

You see this? Got erectile dysfunction.

[Johnny Carson]

You know what? You're not. Every, every, every week I am doing this. I do this every week.

[Thomas]

You're not wrong about these all the time.

[Johnny Carson]

Actually, we need the red ones with the.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, with the veins.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, you know what you I'm talking about.

[David Lucas]

You said it, not me.

[Johnny Carson]

Hey, man, I know exactly which one you're talking about though. I was thinking about getting the ones from the floor. You seen that? They bend like a bendy straw.

[David Lucas]

I don't know. Daniel probably know about all that, bro. We have a, we have half of this that I'm setting up in my house to make a studio. That's how busy we've been. We haven't even been able. It's hard to build it.

[Johnny Carson]

It's a whole job.

[Thomas]

Get ready.

[Johnny Carson]

This took forever.

[Thomas]

Giant hassle that never ends.

[David Lucas]

And it's just, bro, I got everything. I got the bikes, I got the table, the desk, the computer chair. I just gotta be home for more than one day. Yeah, I think this year I've been home. Well, the house in Austin. I've been in LA way more this year. I think I've probably been home a total of like 10 days since the beginning of the year.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, I can't do that. Living on the road. I went to two places in one trip. I was like, where the am I right?

[David Lucas]

It's that until you get like, you know, theaters. But when you're doing these comedy clubs, bro, and when you're doing these comedy clubs to make money, you know, you do Thursday through Saturday. Then if you're lucky, you might be able to have a Sunday. And you like, who going to turn down? Because you try to get it there, you're getting the bread and you're also getting your name established. You know what I'm saying? Win.

[Johnny Carson]

Win.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Doing like what, five, six, seven, eight shows? Damn near if you get the Sunday.

[David Lucas]

Oh yeah, bro, I, I, yeah, I mean, and I, I try to get up every night. I try to do two shows a night.

[Johnny Carson]

Are you in the same set?

[David Lucas]

It depends on what I'm doing. Like when I, when I film my special. I did that set for like a month. I didn't alter it any, cuz I knew what I was gonna say. But like, it depends. Like when I'm headlining, I, I have a set, but I'll add stuff here and There I'm always tinkering with something or writing something new. You know what I'm saying?

[Johnny Carson]

For sure.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. I think that would help me more if I like. Because I like to. After you say something like 10 times, like, I move on. But, like, I think I gotta, like, just be like, all right, it. Say it more. Because that's when you get, like, great at that. But then I'll move on. Like, okay, that joke works.

[Johnny Carson]

Get bored.

[David Lucas]

But then, like, if I sit in that pocket of that joke and continue to say it more, you start adding more stuff and you go in depth with it more.

[Johnny Carson]

For sure.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

I. I mean, I go to so many shows just as a fan, so I see all these fools work the.

[Thomas]

Same set for a year.

[Johnny Carson]

I've watched Bobby Lee do the same set for six years straight. Somehow keeps getting better.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Adding a little to. It gets better. It gets better.

[David Lucas]

It's like, man, Bobby Lee's also a special person. He's like one of those people, you. If you hate him, you're a.

[Johnny Carson]

You know, how could you?

[David Lucas]

He's so personable, such a likable person. It's like, yeah, this is Bobby Lee.

[Johnny Carson]

Like, dude, like I said, we go to so many shows special, never.

[David Lucas]

I think he's shooting one soon.

[Johnny Carson]

Really? D. I remember when I was like, seven on the Mexican channel. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry, though, real quick. Thank you for coming here today. We have comedian David Lucas. Let's just start like that now that we introduced you, because sometimes we'll go, 40 minutes ago. Damn started, bro. It happens all the time when people.

[David Lucas]

Are high on this podcast. You got high ass Jewish side of you coming up. What the. Right now.

[Johnny Carson]

Hi, ladies and gentlemen. Hello. The other host, Johnny Carson.

[David Lucas]

Jewish. When we were shooting the podcast, I saw the Mexican and, you know.

[Johnny Carson]

I think what it was like, oh, I can say whatever I want or half outside.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[Johnny Carson]

We're just catching fish.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Yeah. See, that's. That's what a lot of people love about my podcast, bro. They're like, oh, we're not in the studio. I don't got to try to be funny.

[Thomas]

That's nice.

[David Lucas]

They're relaxed. You get a lot of information out of people in a serene setting, like a lake.

[Thomas]

I never thought about that.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Like, think of how vulnerable you'll be.

[Thomas]

Looking at calming water versus, like, an interrogation room.

[David Lucas]

Yes. You're under lights.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

You're not wrong.

[Thomas]

It's just you. You just got like a tripod. I would imagine you and the guest, like, awake.

[Johnny Carson]

Literally.

[David Lucas]

They damn near Forget they're shooting the podcast. And we just sitting there for the whole time. I did, like, me and YOLO was just sitting there talking. Like some boys that were catching up.

[Johnny Carson]

I was just talking about. Everybody just didn't understand to. To walk around.

[David Lucas]

Oh, it was crazy.

[Johnny Carson]

It was the craziest thing. We just lifting up our line every five seconds. People like, let me just walk right.

[Thomas]

Through and like, guys, the camera.

[Johnny Carson]

There's lines. No.

[Thomas]

Oh, God.

[Johnny Carson]

It's a fishing spot.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Oh, okay. Did you catch anything?

[David Lucas]

No, no. We had nibbles.

[Johnny Carson]

My worm is dead.

[David Lucas]

Some very Mexican fish. They were stealing.

[Johnny Carson]

They were stealing and they were sharing with their whole family.

[David Lucas]

Hey, fool, come look at what I have. I have a worm.

[Johnny Carson]

Exactly what happened? Kept getting nibbles and that was it. Yeah, I suck at fishing. I'm good off that.

[David Lucas]

And then the whole podcast. YOLA found out my dad's Cuban. He's like, oh, she knows you're Cuban. Look what she said.

[Johnny Carson]

This half Cuban.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[David Lucas]

What do you have?

[Johnny Carson]

What tattoo you got in your head?

[David Lucas]

Oh, a Mayan warrior.

[Johnny Carson]

Get out of here. What's your actual name?

[David Lucas]

David Manuel Lucas. Out of here, dude.

[Johnny Carson]

More Spanish than I am. What the just happened?

[Thomas]

Are you with us?

[Johnny Carson]

My name is Thomas.

[David Lucas]

Hold up.

[Johnny Carson]

David Emmanuel Lucas. You sound like Zorro, dude.

[Thomas]

Right?

[Johnny Carson]

I didn't expect the from Princess Bride. You killed my father. The hell no, dude.

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Johnny Carson]

But yeah, fishing. I haven't fished. I was a child. Definitely different. I had it. This will hook the worm.

[Thomas]

Oh, you couldn't do it. That's some gruesome.

[David Lucas]

Anytime I don't eat meat and all that type of. All that type of gay. You gonna die in the zombie apocalypse.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, my God.

[David Lucas]

Look at that.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I believed you, man. You brought up your license.

[David Lucas]

People don't be believing.

[Thomas]

Okay?

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Thomas]

Awesome.

[Johnny Carson]

You said it too flat, fluidly to be lying.

[Thomas]

That was too smooth.

[Johnny Carson]

Like you, no. Did he?

[Thomas]

Emmanuel, We've had people try to with us. I think that was too easy for him.

[David Lucas]

I ain't no troll. I am a troll, but not like that. I troll.

[Thomas]

Yeah, man.

[Johnny Carson]

That's why you keep getting trouble, man.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, probably. I like being in trouble. It's more fun this way.

[Johnny Carson]

I. I gotta be honest, man. As a kid, I always thought, like, if I get caught by the principal with his weed, that life's over. And now it's like, it's just weed. I can't believe all the things I was thinking about as a kid. Would end my life and nothing would happen.

[Thomas]

It resolved for Nothing.

[Johnny Carson]

Unless somebody shoots me. Nothing's really that bad.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, that's true. Yeah. Taking you away from your family is the worst thing somebody can do.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm just. Life.

[David Lucas]

Especially when you're a provider. Like, if you're a loser, it's like, all right.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

But no, at the funeral, at least.

[Johnny Carson]

Nothing changes, man.

[David Lucas]

Now, you. You know, some people. You know, there are some humans out here that add nothing to their family. They do nothing but take away their heartache, heartbreak, a lot, and they're just chaos. Yeah. Ye. Yeah. There's a couple of. There's a couple of members of my family. Like, if they.

[Johnny Carson]

They weren't here no more, if they expired, I be. That's sad. Yeah, I get it.

[David Lucas]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I'd be like. But then I'd be like, well, this did steal Christmas gifts. We had a family member do that from the tree. Stole them. Broke into our house two days before Christmas, stole the Christmas gifts.

[Johnny Carson]

A cousin.

[David Lucas]

And then. Yeah. And then came to Christmas.

[Thomas]

Oh, God. On some tweaker show.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. You crazy. No, he didn't give us to us, but he stole it.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm saying, dude, I brought you this, man. Merry Christmas, dude.

[Thomas]

Rewrapped.

[Johnny Carson]

That's like next Friday.

[David Lucas]

Because. Because my auntie, he. He broke into her house because he knew too much. She used to be in charge of wrapping gifts. So my granddaddy had eight kids, so all my uncles and aunts were bringing the gifts to her house to get wrapped for Christmas. So he knew. All. He knew all the gifts was over there. So he went, that's filthy dirty.

[Johnny Carson]

I ain't never heard of a family do some like that be so cordial and organized. Hell, no. Everybody's just late.

[David Lucas]

Where I'm from, I would be late, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, Nothing's rad.

[David Lucas]

We. We are a functional dysfunctional family, but it's still dope. We all live on a compound. It's pretty cool.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, really? Your family?

[David Lucas]

Yeah, well, the ones that I give.

[Johnny Carson]

A about, like, you guys have the same land. You guys have a bunch of different houses and live on.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. We have a private road. It's a half a mile long in the country.

[Thomas]

Has it always been like that?

[David Lucas]

For a few years.

[Thomas]

I don't say.

[David Lucas]

My uncle told me I'm the one that's going to take everybody out of the ghetto.

[Johnny Carson]

Good.

[David Lucas]

Okay, dude, I don't want that responsibility.

[Johnny Carson]

You do. You know what? You could be waiting on your cousin going, come on, man. I need you to make it be funnier.

[David Lucas]

Did you play the lottery today? But yeah, I'd rather be the guy.

[Thomas]

That makes it happen and first.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro, that's a big responsibility, bro. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

But it's better than not having it.

[David Lucas]

It is, it is. It's a. It's a. It's a heavy burden and I think I carry the torch pretty well. And. And I'm. I'm definitely doing a great job at it. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

And you say you have two kids, right?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Well, when you said one's a preteen.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro. She's liking white boys, which I don't. I don't mind. I prefer that because I know like, you know, like if a white boy up when she a teenage, I just slap his ass up. But if she got like a. A y in.

[Thomas]

Hold on. How old is she?

[David Lucas]

She's about to be 11.

[Thomas]

Okay. All right. We could do. We could do a whole hour on this.

[Johnny Carson]

All these daughters just went to prom yesterday.

[Thomas]

Yeah, 17 year old daughter. And then I got a 10 year old boy and then a 7 year old daughter.

[David Lucas]

This be.

[Johnny Carson]

It's cold in New York, dude.

[Thomas]

But even just. Have you been having to press parents and teachers and kids and all that type of yet?

[David Lucas]

Well, her mom don't let me get involved because she know how I am. So she tries to handle everything.

[Thomas]

I had to press a parent two days ago again. Well, it just started up again.

[Johnny Carson]

This kid, that same kid. The gay kid.

[Thomas]

No, no, no, no. This is a whole.

[Johnny Carson]

Marty was beat up some little gay boy.

[David Lucas]

That seems like the easiest one.

[Johnny Carson]

He was trying to be hard. This kid.

[David Lucas]

He gay.

[Thomas]

All these kids are gay and bisexual.

[David Lucas]

No, but is he like legit gay? Yeah. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

He tried to press his daughter.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

There was a lot of.

[David Lucas]

He's like you and your real.

[Johnny Carson]

Thing is she's gay.

[Thomas]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

So what the.

[Thomas]

That's what I'm saying.

[Johnny Carson]

Friendly fire over there, dude.

[David Lucas]

What was he mad about? He white.

[Thomas]

I don't even remember. There were so many situations. That was kind of years ago, but. Yeah, they're all white. They're.

[Johnny Carson]

They're every Monday, Marty, come press this.

[Thomas]

But this. Now there's older kids, man. I tried to give my son like. I tried to like talk him through it so he could handle it himself. This kid was like fucking with him like regular shit. Yeah. Nobody ever really messed with him, but it went on for months. And then like he was like crying before he's gonna go to school on Sunday night. And. And I was like, oh, this is going too Far. So I went right down to the dude's house.

[David Lucas]

They live like two houses down.

[Thomas]

It was like nine o' clock at night too. And I was knocking on the door and getting ready to respectfully, like just address it with them. I left him a note on the door because they weren't there. Long ass note on the door. And then the dad had the kid at my. At my doorstep Yesterday morning at 7:30, fully apologizing.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, good.

[David Lucas]

That's a good daddy. That's a good daddy.

[Thomas]

I was like, thank you.

[David Lucas]

That's respectful. Because if it was disrespectful, I gotta beat your ass. Then I gotta slap the out of your son.

[Johnny Carson]

Yep. And go to jail.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. And I will.

[Johnny Carson]

I understand though. Your kid's a beast. What's going on?

[Thomas]

He was just, he was just bullying him.

[Johnny Carson]

How?

[Thomas]

He was just saying crazy to him. He was just being super. He's bigger than him. He's like. He's older.

[Johnny Carson]

Okay. I guess because that kid's. He was talking scary dude.

[Thomas]

Cam's nice.

[David Lucas]

I.

[Thomas]

This was an opportunity for his kids, though.

[Johnny Carson]

He's a scary kid.

[David Lucas]

Future. What?

[Johnny Carson]

Conor McGregor, Christian McAffrey. This kid, when I met him, he was six. He was using water bags and laundry to do push ups at six in the morning.

[David Lucas]

But see, that's a kid that knows his strength and he don't want to hurt nobody. Yeah.

[Thomas]

I ever want to do is hurt somebody.

[David Lucas]

Most. Most people. That's the thing, bro. Like, if you like. I know a lot of UFC fighters and they're the nicest people because they know they can kill you.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Leave this talking to me.

[Thomas]

So Brian Ortega gave us the nicest disclaimer before the episode.

[David Lucas]

Oh.

[Johnny Carson]

Before we even started. If you respect me, I'll respect you. Don't be disrespectful. Oh my God. Scared the out of me.

[David Lucas]

I would have said podcast over no dude.

[Johnny Carson]

And then I brought up him being a. Looking like a Noranian. He go. He got all like. It's all over the Internet. Everybody's like, you look so scared. I'm like, I'm not scared. I was. I felt stupid. I felt like, oh, my bad.

[David Lucas]

I ain't, I ain't podcast on a. With no cte. I probably. I podcast with what's Kevin Gastlin? You don't know Kevin Gasloom?

[Thomas]

I do.

[David Lucas]

Okay.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, he's big ufc.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro. He's probably one of the only people to really touch up Israel Adesanya, bro. But that bro, that damn near retarded. All he know is fighting, but he funny as that.

[Johnny Carson]

Sounds like a great guy.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. He never makes weight. No, I'm overweight. But then when we were hanging out, bro, this ate like five cheeseburgers.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, that's what it is. If you could knock you somebody out, you can eat whatever you want. Dude, I think you're just a demon gargoyle.

[David Lucas]

He's funny, bro. He funny as hell. He said because he lives in Scottsdale and he said he keeps his mouth guard in, in the visor in his truck just in case some fool and traffic talk.

[Johnny Carson]

Where everyone gets shot. That's where everyone gets shot in road rage over there.

[David Lucas]

He's not putting my mouth guard.

[Johnny Carson]

So hold on. You're raised in Georgia your whole life?

[David Lucas]

Florida and Georgia.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, Florida and Georgia.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Okay. Still. What parts of Florida?

[David Lucas]

Miami.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I like Miami. I've been there.

[David Lucas]

It's just expensive.

[Johnny Carson]

I feel like everyone's just trying to get over on you somehow. Like everybody's trying to hug, but everyone's working.

[David Lucas]

I can never, I can never live in Miami because like LA got bad. But the bad in Miami are on a different level. Yeah, it's like eating KFC and being like, this is good chicken. And then it's like going to somebody's like a slave house that been frying chicken for 200 years and they perfected the fried chicken recipe and then they.

[Johnny Carson]

Let it perfect to the three lines of skirt and cut.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, because like, bro, the bitches down there are like, they don't got stretch marks, their titties don't sag, the nipples and areola proportions are perfect.

[Johnny Carson]

They look like dolls, bro.

[David Lucas]

They, they make you delusional to the rest of the world. Like if you date in Miami and then go try to date in fucking North Carolina, you're never going to feel like you can get what you really want.

[Johnny Carson]

Like smoking weed. Another country here.

[David Lucas]

I was just, I was just, I was just watching that. I was just watching this therapist talk about that on, on Instagram, how being on social media, because social media, the algorithm puts the most attractive people into your feed. So now. And he was like, there's only 10 of the world that's super attractive and only 10 of the world is like super ugly. So everybody else is average looking and averagely average looking people are now depressed because they're comparing, they're comparing themselves to, to the 10% we just talked about.

[Johnny Carson]

This year recently on your show. Like do just get all sad and go, I don't have that. Like, bro, he barely Got that right. He lives at home.

[David Lucas]

Oh, man, I don't been with. I don't been with so many with 2 million followers. And these hoes got a house full of air mattresses. These grown got bunk beds.

[Johnny Carson]

Cool.

[David Lucas]

That's not cool.

[Johnny Carson]

That's low standards, man. Sizzler, right? We can go to Sizzler, right? And it's always okay.

[David Lucas]

But they won't top shit. They won't state 48, they won't. They want Ruth, Chris. They want Mastro. They want boa. And I remember the first bad bitch I ever pull. Like, because you know, you only get a few of those in your life, unless you're a fucking athlete or some super jacked ass Instagram star. Like, I feel like I pull all the bad bitches I could pull. I've had four.

[Johnny Carson]

I've had four. Almost a half.

[David Lucas]

I've had four. But no, bro, I mean, you know, keep getting successful, you can get them again. But I pulled them being regular, you know what I'm saying? And I, I was wondering, I thought this had another man, bro, because we was around for like four months and I can never go to her house, and she drove like a S550 and. And I could never go to her house. And then the time that I did go to her house, she was drunk and I went to her house and she lived at the Orsini downtown.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I know where you're at. Yeah, live next door at the Da Vinci.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, yeah, the Arsenic spot. Nice ass place with a theater and a full court basket. Full basketball court, sir. I walk in, there's two on air mattress on the sofa. She's in the room. She in a. She in a room. And there's another bed in there. And it's like, oh, that's why you don't want me to come to your house. You'd rather come chill in my studio apartment.

[Johnny Carson]

I never understood why girls do that.

[David Lucas]

Because they want. They want. No, they want to live the life. They want to drive the car, sell a purse.

[Johnny Carson]

One purse.

[David Lucas]

No, they want to drive you set. But they want to drive the car. But that purse only satisfies something momentarily, because then they would have to sell multiple purses to continue.

[Johnny Carson]

Girls got it easy sometimes, man.

[David Lucas]

They do.

[Johnny Carson]

But I used to look pretty and go pull some nerd tech guy, get him for three years, have a baby with him. Now he's set. Now you can go around, do whatever you want, right? You Miami, because we. Exactly what just happened?

[David Lucas]

I don't think us men could do that. I don't think I could be in a room with another man.

[Johnny Carson]

You could never.

[David Lucas]

You guys could. When will I jack off?

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I don't know if that's what you meant. That's called prison, man. Like, ot's dad the other day. I'm gonna need some space, Everybody. Give me 15 minutes. I have hot oil going, like, what the is going on?

[David Lucas]

Hot oil?

[Johnny Carson]

He had all these tattoos tattooed on his leg. He's like, yeah, what else am I gonna look at? I'm in prison. I'm in federal prison. He's like, I'm like, so. And I was like, as. He's like, talking about, like, I'm spinning in a circle, trying to look at my legs, and I'm like, in your cellmates in the corner.

[David Lucas]

Scared as OT's dad.

[Johnny Carson]

Never met him.

[David Lucas]

Nah. That's why OT like that.

[Johnny Carson]

He's this big. He's a Dave Batista. But my height, dude, he's.

[David Lucas]

That's why ot's like that. That's why OT can walk around fearless.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, no, we. We literally talked about, like, it's your dad.

[Thomas]

That's true.

[Johnny Carson]

I was talking to Chuck this morning. It's. It's you. I even said your jeans did this. OT just picked me up on his shoulders.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Big, strong. Yeah. And he was, what, running from bulls? And like, two weeks ago, I just.

[Johnny Carson]

Couldn'T believe he picked me up.

[David Lucas]

So he won.

[Johnny Carson]

The strong, strongest little Mexicans I ever met, man.

[David Lucas]

But he Texas Mexican. They different.

[Johnny Carson]

Different. They have a. A swag tool.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

He almost has, like, surfer vibes to him. Like, he's, like, broed out.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Very avant garde.

[Johnny Carson]

Very cool. Yeah, yeah. All those. I told him, like, when I started meeting all the fools from Texas. The big difference is Mexicans in California worry about gangs and. And, like, status. And Mexicans and Texas worry about money.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Like, yo, let's get money with got grills. That's the first time I saw Mexico and grills in my life.

[David Lucas]

And they. They don't. They don't beef with the blacks.

[Johnny Carson]

No. They're homies over here. It's more like, all right for you. Stay where you're. I'll stay where I'm at. I know fools that are 40. They're like, nah, black fool. Don't bring them over. What? He's gang banger. I'm like, he's just a black guy. But you're a gang banger. That's why you're worried about it, right? About what you're going to do. Yo, can California's different. Not everybody, but there is a separation here. Texas is like, homies, everyone's home.

[David Lucas]

What about the Mexican chicks who don't want to be Mexican? They think they're white girls.

[Johnny Carson]

I think it depends. When I was a kid, dude, a lot of them, I'm half Mexican, I'm half white. And everybody made fun of me saying speak Spanish. And all the Mexicans in my town went to the ghetto. They were all ignorant as, yeah, so me as a kid, I'm like, yeah, I'm Mexican, but I'm not like these guys. So I was kind of like that as a kid. Like, yeah, I'm Mexican, but I'm American.

[David Lucas]

You're right.

[Johnny Carson]

Like I know how to speak because it pissed me off. Like, well, you go to the same school as me. You know how to say it. Don't act like you don't have to say it. Say lunch. Say pizza, not pizza. Come on. But it's those accents. Pizza.

[David Lucas]

My homies all say, I like how Mexicans talk. In la, they'd be like, debit card.

[Johnny Carson]

That's that Mexico creeping in to California.

[David Lucas]

I'm going to Walmart to get use to use my debit cards to buy a hat because I had to go to the dyer's game.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh yeah, I forgot, dude, go dyers. I got the Jewish part. Look at me. See, it's gonna start spreading like Michael Jackson soon, right? I'm just gonna turn full white. Start doing only political.

[David Lucas]

Now you're see somebody for this week's.

[Johnny Carson]

Ad read for Day Savers. I wanted to do something else. I just went up there. It's a piece of a vlog clip. I want to show you everything we did. We did the smoke temple crosscoat. There's a commercial coming. The for all the tips, for all the wood tips, the ceramic tips. Day savers went all out dope as usual. Is 20% off@day savers.com. i didn't realize how many products they actually have. It's incredible. It's insane. I can't wait for these commercials. Roll the clip. So guys, we're at custom cones. We're about to do this commercial. They're setting up all the cameras, the, the co workers, like, can we smoke in here? Like, you know what? Today you can't. You know we can smoke in here today.

[Thomas]

Who again in your family speak Spanish?

[David Lucas]

My dad and my grandmother.

[Thomas]

Oh, like all the time.

[David Lucas]

My daddy's dead, my grandma's dead. So I don't know if they speaking it on the other side.

[Johnny Carson]

What if they weren't, they just flew in something else. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

What happens when you die? You speak another language and you see like a ghost from Brazil or what.

[Johnny Carson]

Happens when you die and you're like, I was paralyzed.

[David Lucas]

Now I'm not right? Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Hey, what happens? You lose an arm, you go to heaven, you get it back?

[David Lucas]

No.

[Johnny Carson]

What? How? Why not?

[David Lucas]

Nah, bro, you shouldn't get it. You should have to do something to get it. You made it to heaven, but you should have to do something to get it.

[Johnny Carson]

You were a great person.

[Thomas]

Nah, that's not enough.

[David Lucas]

If you missing an arm, you weren't a good person.

[Johnny Carson]

What if you missed an arm saving a baby?

[David Lucas]

No, you shouldn't be saving that.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, my God. This the devil, dude.

[David Lucas]

You save a baby and risk losing your arm. Yeah. What if it's your dominant hand? You can't jack off correctly for the rest of your life.

[Johnny Carson]

I think it'll be okay.

[David Lucas]

Nah, that. That baby. That ain't my baby.

[Thomas]

You're a hero. You're getting jacked off the rest of your.

[David Lucas]

I lose an arm saving my kids. But what if you saved that kid and that grows up to be a mass murderer?

[Johnny Carson]

No, there's always that was it. You ever see that? It's a good movie plot. No, no. Abraham Lincoln brother saved a baby. A guy that passed out on the tracks in like 18 something. And it's John Wilkes Booth that killed his brother like six years later.

[David Lucas]

What? That don't make any sense. That's a movie.

[Johnny Carson]

No, it's a historical fact.

[David Lucas]

He saved a baby.

[Johnny Carson]

No, not a baby. This guy passed out onto this guy saved this dude from a track in like the 1800s. Turned out to be John Wilkes Booth. The guy that saved him was Abraham Lincoln's brother, like six years later. What? Proof we got watched it on the Internet.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

One of those book documentary guys be.

[David Lucas]

Falling asleep to Joe Rogan.

[Johnny Carson]

And a dragon came by and swooped them all up.

[David Lucas]

Dude, I love Rogan, bro. I wish I had that much. That's my dog. I wish I had that much passion when I talk about anything. Rogan talk. Rogan can talk passionately about something he just learned.

[Johnny Carson]

I just put ice in the spot, jumped in.

[David Lucas]

But he got. He got the type of voice that's not going to make you question it.

[Thomas]

Okay.

[David Lucas]

Because of the type of passion that he speaks with.

[Johnny Carson]

We talk. It's the fear factor voice.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

It's the explaining exactly what's going on. And you're like.

[David Lucas]

And you know what's crazy, bro? Rogan's like that all the time. Like, a lot of people be like, oh, he's like that for the podcast.

[Johnny Carson]

The announcer.

[David Lucas]

No, Rogan is. Rogan is solid like that all the time. He's always amp. I've never seen. Except for sober October. That's the only time he's, like, docile. But normally Rogan's like, let's go. Let's like, like that motivational speaker. Like a high school football.

[Johnny Carson]

I have zero of that. I wish I had it more.

[David Lucas]

That's what I'm saying. I wish I had that passion to talk like Rogan does, bro.

[Thomas]

He taught. He, like, fired up a lot of dudes of our generation.

[Johnny Carson]

Fired up a lot of dudes. Something you could say lightly, Marty. That's how a generation.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro. Like, when you think about it, the Ovon, Shane Gillis, Andrew Schultz, Chrysler Segura, Tony Henchliffe, and then everybody who's associated with. We all fall up under that same. Yeah, Jre, The Rogan sphere.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Even if you want to run from it. Nah, bro, we up under that umbrella. Why not? And Rogan's a solid creature. He's a very solid creature. One of the best human beings I know.

[Thomas]

I worked for him for a bunch of years.

[Johnny Carson]

I was trying. I was trying to explain. I was trying to explain.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, he didn't explain.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, I didn't do it very good. I'm pretty sure I explained the out of it, actually. But we'll see.

[David Lucas]

He's like. You ever seen jre? He's like, yeah, that. Do the graphics.

[Johnny Carson]

Okay, that's not what.

[David Lucas]

I know you didn't say something like that.

[Johnny Carson]

He was like, I dropped the hard ass. R. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

This guy, like Joe's manager is my co host.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, he. He teaches him cold sweats, taught him comedy and.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Spinning back kick. Oh.

[Thomas]

But I was watching from the very, very, very beginning. And then when I moved out here from Buffalo, I got in with all his homies and. And started with like.

[David Lucas]

Bro, like, if the pandemic never happened, like, think of how huge that podcast would have been.

[Thomas]

Yeah, that really.

[David Lucas]

I'm up, bro. The Fighter and the Kid.

[Johnny Carson]

Why do you think that happened? Why do you think?

[David Lucas]

Because when the pandemic came, you know the stuff that happened with some people.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, you mean not the pandemic, just stuff that happened during it?

[David Lucas]

Well, I mean, Brian, the pandemic was, you know, a cause because people were bored. So women who felt got you.

[Johnny Carson]

Got you.

[David Lucas]

They were able to sit and think about something that happened years ago. And then. Or recently or whenever it was, and then come out with that. And because the world was so still, people were able to pay attention. And then Theo ended up moving to Nashville.

[Thomas]

Very weird at all. I worked with Theo 2 for a long time.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Thomas]

That was like Nashville, the.

[David Lucas]

But I mean, people. It's like the same reason we're in Texas now. You know, we save on taxes.

[Thomas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

Like, stiffened though. That mother gotta check. I would have moved to north.

[Thomas]

I don't give a. Theo wasn't a superstar yet when he moved.

[David Lucas]

No, bro. Theo became a superstar like, like shortly after. Yeah, like 2022, 2021. Yeah, Theo was Theo. But now he's like huge entity. Like, like, like, like say Madonna. Your name's bigger than you now. Like, you can say Theo Vaughn and not need to see a picture before you might would have needed.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, the mullet guy.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Thomas]

Do you know why he choked out that dude in that clip the other day?

[David Lucas]

It was such a short clip, bro. I hate, but that dude looked like he was a. Yeah, he was. He was in his personal space.

[Johnny Carson]

Bro, if anybody does this to you, you're in the wrong.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I don't. And Theo's not even that type of guy. Yeah, you never seen that angry, right?

[Thomas]

He had to be so drunk and so in his space and annoying. For Theo, that is annoying.

[Johnny Carson]

Like that Tyson on the flight.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, me, me, me and my crew learned, bro. We were doing. I think it was like, Buffalo, New York or some.

[Johnny Carson]

Bro, that's where he's from.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. And I mean, it wasn't a bad city or maybe some one of those upper New York cities. And this fool, we was trying to get some food, and this fool invited us to his restaurant that he was going to keep open late. And we get there, it's like 100 people. It's like, bro, I thought this was gonna be closed. What did you tell people I was.

[Thomas]

Yeah, yeah.

[David Lucas]

It's like, man, I didn't come here for this drunk. Hey, hey, man, we use him.

[Thomas]

It sounds like buffaloes. You're probably somewhere right around down here.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, that's Buffalo map right there.

[David Lucas]

Oh, that's crazy. Oh, that's dope. I like that.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, no, I'm good on that. But, yeah, the whole pandemic, I guess. I guess that did kind of spark. A lot of people were getting. During the pandemic. A lot of comedians are getting played. And then all these pages came out. That's one thing. I started watching these pages when they break down podcast pages, they just break down comedy. They break down this, they break down. They scrutinize everything that's ever happened.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah, I don't watch that. They got one, but they got a couple about me.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, I've seen all this, dude. They go, if these guys would put an effort into other media, I wonder what they could do. Because some of these videos are so well put together. It's like, how the any to do all this?

[David Lucas]

Any that. Gotta have another man's name in his constant. Constant to any. Got to be negative. And you're feeding the silent majority, bro. You're just making me more successful because you know what I'm saying? People see this, and then they come watch your stuff, and they're like, oh, he's not that bad.

[Johnny Carson]

What are you guys talking about?

[David Lucas]

He's not that bad. You just increase views on my shit.

[Johnny Carson]

Honestly, dude, there's a couple pages where I will not watch no more. They're too biased. Every thing about it is like, look at these communities stuff again. The guy was talking about a Beamer.

[Thomas]

Yeah. It's like, it's kind of beat today.

[David Lucas]

They're poor.

[Johnny Carson]

It's.

[David Lucas]

They're poor, bro. And you got like, anybody who's on the Reddit threads and.

[Johnny Carson]

And I just found out about Reddit.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Anybody who's on Reddit threads and taking their time to leave a negative YouTube comment. You ain't got much in life. You ain't got a thousand dollars in your bank account, buddy.

[Johnny Carson]

What it is, it's like, okay, you drop. You drop comments. You're naked. That's fine. And you were never back to talking again next week.

[David Lucas]

And you would never come see. You would never pay to see me anyway.

[Johnny Carson]

No. So it doesn't really matter, but I just don't like. It was just got. It got too repetitive of almost like, look what they did now.

[David Lucas]

But you know how stupid they are. You know what I do when I don't like something? I don't watch it easy.

[Johnny Carson]

You don't watch it? I unsubscribe to two of them.

[David Lucas]

I don't watch it.

[Johnny Carson]

Too lazy to try.

[David Lucas]

I'll watch.

[Johnny Carson]

Too lazy to try. He breaks down and he's pretty honest. A lot of these other guys are getting at the point where I'm like, you guys just don't like that these fools are successful. It feels like.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Because some of these comedians, they don't do nothing wrong. I look at Bear Kreischer getting drunk.

[Thomas]

He's a drinker let's watch every single moment.

[Johnny Carson]

That's what he does, man.

[David Lucas]

I want to get high as anybody making a video about bro. You can say what you want about him, but you don't know how to make 32 million.

[Thomas]

Sell out the being goofy.

[David Lucas]

Bert sells out outdoor venues. 15 to 20,000. Let me see you sell 15 tickets.

[Johnny Carson]

No.

[David Lucas]

What are they talking about?

[Johnny Carson]

He's on a different level.

[Thomas]

He was super nice to us when we met him.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, he was cool.

[David Lucas]

Bert's a solid man.

[Johnny Carson]

Biggest. I thought he's a little like me.

[Thomas]

And he, like, followed up. He's like, he's supposed to come on the show, and then he had to reschedule and. But he always writes right back. And I'd be like, when I'm back in town, I'll do it. Like, yeah, man.

[David Lucas]

Everybody.

[Johnny Carson]

There's only been, like, two people. I'm like, you know what? This guy. And that's very rare. I'm sure you meet some people. Like, oh, I wish I never met you. That sucks.

[David Lucas]

I. I'm not a people person.

[Johnny Carson]

You seem like it.

[David Lucas]

No, hell no.

[Johnny Carson]

You talk to who you on stage. That's a people person.

[Thomas]

I mean, he's roasting on show.

[David Lucas]

I know, but you're a people person off stage. I don't be wanting to talk, bro. I had to take a shot. I had to take a shot. Do my meet and greets.

[Thomas]

That's fair.

[David Lucas]

My social battery.

[Thomas]

Stressful. That'll. That'll drain.

[David Lucas]

That's more tiring than the actual show.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, I like meat. That's different.

[Thomas]

I love it. But I didn't realize, like, we did a live show as an all day thing with Josh Wolf on Palm Springs, and that next day I was like. I felt all weird. I didn't realize, like, oh, I just have like 0% brain power.

[Johnny Carson]

Like, I did the meet and Grease, though, but I have a bad back, so I can't really sit. So we did what? It's 18 hours that day.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

You did an 18 hour meet and greet.

[Johnny Carson]

It was 18 hours where I did in Indiana. You have no idea how, like, have a conversation with a fan that's genuinely stoked and they leave and the next guy's just as stoked. I'll forget what time it is.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, it feels amazing.

[Johnny Carson]

People are so excited at the end. I'm like, that's why I broke my. Broke both marches in Miami. Standing for 16. I snapped both my feet.

[David Lucas]

How'd that feel? It hurt.

[Johnny Carson]

I was wearing slides like a idiot.

[David Lucas]

How'd you Fix it.

[Johnny Carson]

I've go to the doctor. I've been going to the spine specialist and as I have a up bag. But yeah, no meet and grease. The social battery is just like this after all.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Afterwards, after you feel dead, bro, I'd be. I be in. They like Daniel be setting up the cameras and coming to green room. I'm passed out waiting for the second show to start.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, you do mean greets after your first set. That's draining. Nah, you're different. I can't do that.

[David Lucas]

Well, I mean, it's. They. They buy the tickets.

[Johnny Carson]

I know, but you.

[David Lucas]

I figured you do.

[Johnny Carson]

So you do two.

[David Lucas]

Me, if we do two shows, I'm doing two meet and greets.

[Johnny Carson]

Different. You guys are. You have a social energy bar.

[Thomas]

So when I don't have that coming on King and the Sting, when it first started. Right.

[David Lucas]

I came on one time.

[Thomas]

Where were you at in your standard career at that point?

[David Lucas]

Talking about when I first came over Brendan and Chappelle. Like, I had a. Like when I got on Kill Tony, it wasn't what it is now. It was still growing. It was. I say it's full grown now.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

But I say it was probably like a teen preteen. And after, you know, the attempted cancellation on Tony, it About the Puerto Rico. No, no, no, hell, that was not canceled. No. The. The Chinese, the Asian.

[Johnny Carson]

No idea what that is.

[David Lucas]

Oh, like three years ago. But I had a weird coming on Kill Tony because, like, I was only on Kill Tony for like two and a half months before the world shut down. So like I had a little pop from that and then like the world shut down. So when the world came back, I had to like, remember it. Yeah. Redo it again and go roast again and try to be funny again. So it was weird. But when I was there, I was not headlining yet. I've only been headlining for two years.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I didn't realize that. Yeah, does seem like longer. I'm watching Kill Tony.

[David Lucas]

I was a headlining when I first started Kill Tony. When I first got on Kill Tony, the first person to offer me work. Well, I was touring with Tony and the first person to offer me work was Eric Griffin. I was featuring with Eric and then I started. I did a chappelle. I didn't know Brendan at the time. I saw him when I was a door guy at the Comedy Store and they were in Austin and I was staying in Austin. I think that was like 2022 when I came on King of the scene or maybe 2022 and I met Brendan And I was like, hey, bro, at that time, I was like, hey, man, let me. Let me get, like, five minutes. And then he gave me five minutes, and I went up there and killed. And he's like, yo, I need you in Houston next week.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, nice.

[David Lucas]

And I was like, just tell me. You know, like, Brendan's solid, bro. Brendan got me through some times when I had no money, just on the road with him. I wasn't headlining. That's all I had was Brendan and, you know, doing Kill Tony. I don't even know if we were. We might have been doing Kill Tony and Anton's at the time.

[Johnny Carson]

I remember when it was at the Comedy Store, like, in the small room.

[David Lucas]

I. I never saw it in the small room. When I came on Kill Tony, it was in the main room. And that's when Tony was. So now there's more elements of surprise because, you know, Tony is a wrestling fan. And so before we were at the Comedy Store, he was releasing the names of the guests. And now you don't know the guests because it's. So what do you. What is this? The number two podcast on YouTube.

[Thomas]

It's not enough.

[Johnny Carson]

That's what it is.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, we on Netflix. The number two podcast on YouTube after jail.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they just put a. I know it's on Netflix. I know that because our Rosie and her friend used to go and try to get in the bucket all every week.

[David Lucas]

Dude.

[Johnny Carson]

They would try to do it in, like, 2020. Right before the pandemic, actually. Yo, what a wild thing to do. Like. Yeah. You have a minute?

[Thomas]

I mean, they built that up so organically. I remember, like, Tony's first appearances on jre, and then I remember when him and Red Band started doing that. It was going on for years, just kind of at the Comedy Store, but, like, not even that big.

[Johnny Carson]

They were going all the.

[Thomas]

Something just happened that it just, like, skyrocketed.

[David Lucas]

That's Maxim.

[Johnny Carson]

Number two. Wow.

[David Lucas]

Oh, jre. Yeah.

[Thomas]

Then Tony got his homeboy at number two.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean, that's the Rogans.

[David Lucas]

So all of them are like. I guess three out of the top five are Rogan's.

[Johnny Carson]

Who's the third?

[David Lucas]

Rogan? Theovon. Tony.

[Thomas]

Yeah. He's like.

[David Lucas]

And then Shannon Sharp.

[Johnny Carson]

Really? Damn.

[David Lucas]

I mean, everybody wants to hear what Shannon Sharp got to say about this. He got going on, bro. That is so dumb. Why didn't you wait till he signed that $100 million contract?

[Johnny Carson]

I don't know what's going on.

[David Lucas]

If you would have Let him sign it, bro. I would have easily gave that 4 million to shut the up.

[Johnny Carson]

What happened? What happened with him?

[David Lucas]

Who's giving? Shannon Sharp?

[Johnny Carson]

What did he do? I. I don't pay attention to the word.

[David Lucas]

The little young white came out and tried to say she got, you know. Yeah, I get.

[Johnny Carson]

Or they banged and she's mad.

[David Lucas]

It looks like they bang consensually, but I guess people are mad because she's like 19 or 20. Who gives a.

[Johnny Carson]

And he's a horse.

[David Lucas]

So they. They kind of like. They kind of.

[Johnny Carson]

Girls like horses.

[David Lucas]

They kind of like put the deal on hold.

[Thomas]

For what?

[David Lucas]

Look at y' all Got Google, Come on. Yeah, we got Google.

[Johnny Carson]

I don't look at the Earth, dude. I don't know what's going on. I know Shannon Sharp is a hundred million dollar deal.

[David Lucas]

What was he about to get it from? Spotify.

[Johnny Carson]

Spotify, we're out here doing. Come on, man, give us a deal, man.

[Thomas]

The volume podcast network. Is that it?

[David Lucas]

I don't know, but he's about to get 100 million.

[Johnny Carson]

Really? For his show. Damn.

[Thomas]

Yeah, God damn.

[David Lucas]

Didn't Shannon Sharp say 7? Didn't Shannon Sharp say the. The Cat Williams episode pay him more than any paycheck he's ever gotten from the Internet?

[Johnny Carson]

I can see that.

[Thomas]

I heard that.

[Johnny Carson]

That episode blew up like crazy. He did what? Two ads during that. They must have paid him 500 bands, right? 500 bands. And then when you want the link, and then 500 bands.

[David Lucas]

What was it, like 60 million views for two hours?

[Johnny Carson]

It's days. A couple days in, it was already up there. One of the biggest podcasts.

[David Lucas]

Are you talking about what, a two hour podcast? His ads plus the YouTube ads. Yeah. That easily made 10, 15 million, 89 million views. How long?

[Thomas]

Two hours, 46 minutes, bro.

[David Lucas]

So an hour on a million? An hour.

[Johnny Carson]

He made over like an hour.

[David Lucas]

30 minutes. An hour. Excuse me. A 30 minute podcast at a million, I think pays like 15 to 20,000. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, we're. We're lame. We're so lame. We don't get paid like that. That's crazy.

[Thomas]

It's more like we got 5 or.

[Johnny Carson]

6 million on one episode. We don't have that much.

[Thomas]

But.

[David Lucas]

But how much? How much are y' all talking about? So much like. Yeah, yeah, that's a four hour show. So the ads, they probably couldn't put good ads on it.

[Johnny Carson]

You think so?

[David Lucas]

That's probably what it is.

[Thomas]

Yeah. It varies. Like what? Your content of the show will depend on what ads.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, they was Putting fart joke books on our dick jokes because we don't do nothing productive. On that the long ass episode though.

[David Lucas]

I'm about to buy like 20000 TVs and just play play all my friends podcasts all day. That might not be a bad idea. You get a TV for what, a thousand dollars? But it's gonna go. It's gonna go. I mean for a hundred dollars, what's. But is the view gonna go off of IP address?

[Johnny Carson]

I have no idea how.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Vpn.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

I don't know how any of this works, dude.

[David Lucas]

That we can start a company.

[Thomas]

I think that already exists.

[David Lucas]

Oh, it probably does.

[Johnny Carson]

A bunch of foreign people in a. In a box controlling six folds. You ever see the. The social media farm in China? The girls with like six phones around them and they're like in fake water as if they're refugees. You ever seen that?

[David Lucas]

It's so funny when you can see people who buy like fake comments.

[Johnny Carson]

It's always the same emoji back to back.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, they put some. That has nothing to do. I know. Hold on, let me show you this don't show the.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I could tell you when people try to do sponsorships for my company, I'm like oh, you bought all your. People think that there's 30,46 000 likes, 15 comments, 3 shares. And nobody likes your that much and not talk about it. Yeah, especially rappers, dude. The mainstream rappers. Some just hearts, hearts, hearts, hearts.

[Thomas]

They got all kinds of tricks.

[David Lucas]

And then go look at the. It's almost diabolical. Who is this?

[Johnny Carson]

I've never seen this person.

[David Lucas]

Why would you buy a million followers?

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, every like is the same. 5,400, 5,200, 5,300.

[David Lucas]

Why would you go buy a million followers? I have an organic following and sometimes my posts do 1200 likes, sometimes my posts do 13 000. It just. It's. What. What are you feeding.

[Thomas]

It hurts your to have a bunch of fake.

[Johnny Carson]

I've never seen this person. Doesn't even know who that is. Man.

[David Lucas]

Bought it. They bought it.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. I don't know who it is.

[David Lucas]

They bought it.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, you can tell. I mean look at the posts.

[David Lucas]

Nobody with that much low quality stuff is hitting a million.

[Johnny Carson]

Maybe in 2010 when YouTube was popping, it was just starting out. But no, no, no.

[Thomas]

That's goofy.

[Johnny Carson]

Okay, so how long y' all here this.

[David Lucas]

This time?

[Johnny Carson]

What are you doing out here this week?

[David Lucas]

I'm out here to what, the 28th?

[Johnny Carson]

Working. I had.

[David Lucas]

I have a meeting with the theatrical Agent commercial. Agent filming. I got a new pot I need to get you on that new podcast. Yeah, I got one at the Laugh Factory called Takeout with David Lucas. We. We be fat boys. We eat. Oh, yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

They really think it's gonna blow up? Hopefully it does.

[Johnny Carson]

Sick. So you just bring a bunch of fat dudes?

[David Lucas]

No, I got all type of people.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm just talking just because only fat people.

[David Lucas]

Fluffy, bro. Fluffy was on the roast of WrestleMania. And yeah, I can't talk about it too much because we're in a little bit of hot water for that.

[Johnny Carson]

For why? Well, what the.

[David Lucas]

Some of the got released.

[Johnny Carson]

What's wrong with that?

[David Lucas]

I. I don't know. I guess WWE is trying to be like, mainstream. So they did a roast and some jokes were said that I guess they've never seen a roast before.

[Johnny Carson]

What makes me man, somebody else?

[David Lucas]

No, it was mainly some vagina jokes.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, like they weren't sporting that in the 90s.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Remember Trish Stratus? I was 10. They know what they were doing to me, dude.

[David Lucas]

Black China. I used to love that. Who, what was her name?

[Johnny Carson]

China China.

[David Lucas]

Black China's tigers, baby.

[Johnny Carson]

I know she's a rapper or some China.

[David Lucas]

Oh, that was hard.

[Thomas]

Rip.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

She did die. She did die. She started doing porn and she died, bro.

[David Lucas]

See, ladies, taking all that dick ain't good for you.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, my God. You saw. Flexing it out and I just don't.

[David Lucas]

I just don't feel like her was good.

[Johnny Carson]

I like the way this conversation is going. Keep going.

[David Lucas]

No, I don't, I don't. I, I, I. I ain't gonna say her name, but I.

[Johnny Carson]

It's gonna beat you up.

[David Lucas]

I was in a relationship with a. Damn. She might watch this. Whatever it. I'm like, I'm talking about you. I was talking about somebody else. But I was in a relationship with an Olympic athlete. And there's something about taking all them supplements and. And working out where that don't.

[Johnny Carson]

What type of Olympic athlete?

[David Lucas]

200 meter fast. Yeah, I'll show it to you.

[Johnny Carson]

Is this one of your four?

[David Lucas]

No, she was.

[Thomas]

What the.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, you only get four bad ones in your life. And one Olympic athlete out of here. Got a bunch of people that grew up on farms in my town. Got a Olympic athlete now. She was okay. Damn.

[David Lucas]

She might got me blocked.

[Thomas]

I had one with a job back.

[Johnny Carson]

I was like 7, 18.

[David Lucas]

Damn. I think this whole block me.

[Johnny Carson]

Did she.

[David Lucas]

Oh, no, she didn't.

[Johnny Carson]

I was like 18. I was gonna date with this chick one time Then I found she was 37. I just felt so odd. I don't know why I was like, you're older than my mom. You should feel weird. That's how I feel.

[David Lucas]

Like you look at our last few messages. It was bad, bro. I up so damn.

[Johnny Carson]

She just two words, bro.

[David Lucas]

You know you and you know you and I got the text.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean, you text back. Really? The really? Three long ass messages.

[David Lucas]

Hey, look at that, bro. Look at. Look at what I wrote. April 14th. Every person deserves a second chance.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm in Dallas. What a dance.

[David Lucas]

I'll let you see it.

[Johnny Carson]

She fast. I was making this Olympic athlete. How cool. Oh cool. She's fast.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh my God.

[David Lucas]

She'll pass it to him.

[Johnny Carson]

She shredded.

[David Lucas]

Blur that out because that's shredded like that. She will legit come after me.

[Johnny Carson]

She's Shannon Sharp, but a chick.

[David Lucas]

She's signed by team Nike.

[Johnny Carson]

You're just giving all the worst clues out right now. Signed by T96. What the. This is her middle name.

[David Lucas]

Oh yeah. She went to college at all.

[Johnny Carson]

What are you doing to yourself? What's up guys? Taking a moment. Talk about one of our sponsors. And this is Hygienics. Click the link below and it goes straight to our website. And click the Hygienics link or hygienics us. Our code, dope as usual, is 20 off of everything. And I just want to name off a few things that Hygienics actually offers besides just a few things that you've seen through us. This is the simple soap from a new. This is this. Clean the scum off. Like when you clean off actual fish tanks. My was nasty. Then you got the Terp Titans. These are the original sponge swab. 3 inch, they have 6 inch, they have the stiff, they have the bendables, they have everything. And then for the tools, you have the caps, the silicone caps that you can clean your glass with just so you're not using paper towels like every single one of us do. This actually works. I have like two sets of the house I still use. And there's silicone. So no reason you should be breaking these unless you're insane. Also they got the Terp tools. A little turper. All right, These are little. Basically the hot knives. They just help you out with really, really sticky concentrates. They work wonders actually. And yet the mini pearl grabbers and mini tweezers, all the stuff for the pearls and the actual little heady dab stuff. Pipe perfect. It has all the ranges to actually clean the Pipes. And like I said, when I got down in my pier, I could finally get down in the neck. Did everything I could. I could not get down this pipe cleaner. They come in like two feet long. There's everything. It's hygienics to be hygienic. Hey, what's up, guys? We just want to take a moment to talk about our sponsor, my bookie. First off, shout out to my bookie for sponsoring this entire season. We appreciate you no matter what deal we're running with my bookie Code dope as usual. It goes for all of it. So every time you use a code and sign up, you guys do your bets. Thank you so much. It helps out the show, it helps us. Thank you. I was at John's the other day and we were betting. We almost won seven bands off of UFC the other morning. When it was in the other country. I didn't win by submission. I had to win two fights. I only won one 7k. Anyway, I didn't realize how technical it can really get when you put money down on ufc. I've never really been on the ufc. Besides just the fight, there's a lot of stuff you can do. So shout out to my bookie. Once again, had a great experience this past week. Actually, it was cool. I really wish I would have won besides that. Guys, the NBA Finals are here. And who is in the NBA Finals? The Thunder and the Timberwolves. And they got the Pacers and Nick. So if you're going to bet, make sure it's with my book. Use our code dope as usual. And if you bet 50 bucks right now, they're going to match you $25 on top. If you bet $100, they're going to match $50 on top. That's the deal going on right now. Get 100 you want to spend on the Pacers, Drop it. You automatically get 50 bucks from my bookie. So double it up. So basically you're getting 50% of whatever your bet is when you bet 50 or 100 bucks using our code Dope as usual at checkout. Thank you for supporting. Support us. Back to the episode.

[Thomas]

So you don't with weed. How about psychedelics?

[David Lucas]

I do with weed.

[Thomas]

Oh, you do?

[David Lucas]

I just started back smoking weed like a month ago. Oh, but I only smoke CBD dominant.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, that's right. CBD dominant weed, which is crazy. How did you even find it?

[David Lucas]

This company named Palms makes it. They sell it at the dispensary in la. So when I know I'm be out of town for a while. I load up.

[Johnny Carson]

CBD dominant. It's just mellow. Doesn't really get you too high as well.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I think I got like 20 taco.

[Johnny Carson]

That's pretty high.

[Thomas]

That's all right. It's just normal.

[David Lucas]

So you smoke joints but it has cbd. So CBD doesn't allow you to like trip.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean almost every plant's got cbd. But how much you talk next time? Well, that's over 20 then if it's dominant. CBD to TAC because I only had like lambs or white. Charlotte's web is the high CBD strain. And that made me feel weird as I've dabbed straight CBD hash. It's like drinking room temp water.

[Thomas]

You would know it right away.

[Johnny Carson]

What is this doing to me?

[Thomas]

Nothing. If you didn't know it was CBD going in, you would be able to.

[Johnny Carson]

Tell the taste tastes a little different.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, it does.

[Johnny Carson]

There you go.

[David Lucas]

So psychedelics, you'll do those drugs? Yeah, I dabble in some mushrooms.

[Johnny Carson]

What's your about acid?

[David Lucas]

Nah. No bro. I like my scared dude. I'll try all that when I have a certain amount of money in my like once I've made what I want to make then because you your brain up.

[Johnny Carson]

That's what I'm scared of.

[Thomas]

I feel like it don't say this.

[David Lucas]

Is the one I smoked that purple one.

[Johnny Carson]

I have never heard this in my life.

[Thomas]

Are you saying because then you'll actually be comfortable and not like.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, like say if I try acid right now and then you up? Yeah. And I don't. I don't have timing anymore. Like when I'm 65, 70, I'd probably be a crazy ass man. So I'll try that then.

[Thomas]

Yeah, that's fair.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I know what this is. They just try to do a deal with me ease. Yeah, they sell them. Yeah, I know exactly what these people are. They're. They did do delivery out here too.

[David Lucas]

Everybody who I know who does a bunch of psychedelics, bro. They don't be right. They talk all weird.

[Johnny Carson]

Depends on what they did. Yeah, the. The acid kids always have something. Yeah, they are always a little.

[David Lucas]

And then I feel like it opens the portal to other stuff like. You know what I'm saying, bro? Like I've been high before to where like I felt like I was seeing like how we'd saw.

[Johnny Carson]

What'd you see? What was the story?

[David Lucas]

Like I could just like see everything about a person. Yeah. Like their aura.

[Johnny Carson]

Were you right though? Yeah, yeah.

[David Lucas]

Stop with them. But it could have been just the.

[Johnny Carson]

You just hides too much cbd.

[David Lucas]

No, no, no. This was on weed. Weed. It could have been, you know, the paranoia from the weed.

[Thomas]

Okay. I thought I saw a guy's aura once, but I could have just been high as.

[Johnny Carson]

That's called oral.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I definitely got high and saw that. I'm like, bro, you got bad energy. Like, get the. Away from me.

[Johnny Carson]

You see that on people.

[David Lucas]

But I feel that from a person anyway, you know what I'm saying? Like naturally. Naturally, I'm inclined to be able to tell a person. Like, you can look in their eyes, bro. A person's got bad energy. Their eyes look a certain way, they can't make eye contact, they can't look at you for long. And then they start. Yeah. So you know what I'm saying? The body language, you can always tell they can't make eye contact. They're. They're not.

[Johnny Carson]

Out here is different too. Homies on some weird ass Mexican spiritual out here. There's some weird in la, dude, that.

[Thomas]

Really believe you can open a portal when you're tripping, right?

[Johnny Carson]

Some of these, I think you can. You can for sure.

[David Lucas]

These people are weird. That's what I think about these drug addicts, bro. I think they've tapped into a different.

[Johnny Carson]

You just don't see a different level.

[David Lucas]

That we don't see. So now they're. They're fighting the we can't see. Yeah, because they open that portal and they got stuck in it. That's what I really believe.

[Johnny Carson]

They see a little another dimension. Like, get out of here. You see the guys just come on. Yeah, I'd be at Ralph's and. Heroin guy. Talk about the CIA and what they did to him. He's just in an aisle, this Mexican dude, all drunk, bro. Like 20 minutes. Like, did all that happen to you?

[David Lucas]

Mental illness is rampant in this country, bro. What's that? Schizophrenia.

[Johnny Carson]

You seen they clone, Tyrone?

[David Lucas]

No, I've never seen it, but I should watch it. I watch.

[Johnny Carson]

It feels real.

[David Lucas]

I want to get high with you and watch it. I'm talking about some weird. He gonna make me have a anxiety attack.

[Thomas]

Damn sure.

[Johnny Carson]

Eating chicken and meat after, like. God, is that really what I do to this chick? Yeah, man. You ever see this movie, bro?

[David Lucas]

I was at the. I was. I was taking my car to get service and this what I thought was regular older black lady. This is in Georgia. I was taking my truck to get services. Regular. What I thought was a regular black lady sat next to me and she's like, how you doing? And I was like, you know, I talk about. I'm pretty good. How about you? She's like, oh, I would be better. These people stopped following me.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, the ghost stalker things.

[David Lucas]

No, this was schizophrenic. She's like, I know they followed me because when I went to the doctor's office the other day, 13 black cars was outside, all facing the same way.

[Johnny Carson]

And I'm like, watch her be right as fuck, right?

[David Lucas]

They all right. And we the niggas that's out here like, you stupid.

[Johnny Carson]

All those Tom Cruise movies where he's running, people don't believe him. There's out there doing that right now, going, you don't believe me? You're just smoking a joint.

[David Lucas]

But are they wrong? Are they wrong if they believe it?

[Johnny Carson]

No. What if it's real to them, bro?

[David Lucas]

That's why I don't give a. Yeah, bro, be crazy as you want to. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Don't touch me.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, 13 black cars did follow you.

[Thomas]

Is that what you said to her?

[David Lucas]

No, I was like, that's crazy. You got to be careful that I left.

[Johnny Carson]

That's crazy.

[David Lucas]

I called my mom to come pick me up. I said, mom, I wait on this oil change.

[Johnny Carson]

I caught my mom. She's like, I'm going to fold the rest of your clothes. Don't worry, I'll be right there.

[David Lucas]

She does do that.

[Johnny Carson]

For real. I was talking about from earlier.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, when. When I. When I. When I'm at home. Like I. When I'm at home, bro, I always stay at my mom's house and sleep in her room, cuz I'm a mama's boy. And. And the day before I'm about to travel, she'll be like, I got all your clothes folded on the sofa, baby.

[Johnny Carson]

That's crazy.

[Thomas]

That's awesome.

[David Lucas]

That's what I was telling him, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm like, imagine that.

[David Lucas]

I'm like, daniel got his own room. My mom was sounds.

[Johnny Carson]

It's pretty cool.

[Thomas]

Sick.

[Johnny Carson]

That's pretty cool.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Our mom is not like. My mom is a. You ever seen Good Fellas?

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

You ever. You know who Rosie Perez is?

[David Lucas]

Of course.

[Johnny Carson]

So mix Rosie Perez with Joe Pesci from Goodfellas. And that's our mom. Damn, what a psycho.

[David Lucas]

Beating the out of.

[Johnny Carson]

No, beating my ass. She said beat the out of it.

[David Lucas]

Isn't it crazy how Joe Pesci played that character in Casino and then he was in a kids movie, Home Alone.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, but he still played the same. He played Yosemite Sam. He just couldn't.

[David Lucas]

That's my favorite movie of all time.

[Johnny Carson]

Two's good. Three and four. Don't even watch them.

[David Lucas]

That's for.

[Johnny Carson]

That's for the new kids.

[David Lucas]

That's for YNs.

[Johnny Carson]

I would call them Young white children, actually. From. From 2003.

[David Lucas]

Isn't that crazy how there's no derogatory word for a white person? You call a white person a cracker. They're not even gonna stop in their tracks.

[Johnny Carson]

I think it's just because it's. It's just not good enough. There's nothing good. You're a comedian. Come up with it and we'll start using it. Because right now we use cps, but there's nothing. Caucasian people. You do cps, but there's.

[David Lucas]

The only thing you can really harm a white person with now is Karen. I think white people are just accepted. They're gonna call me racist because I'm white.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. They go by the way, I own the world.

[David Lucas]

And according to the study. The stuff they. The stuff they put in mainstream media, they do paint white people to be racist. Everything a white person does is racist. Yeah, I hate how much they make a racist.

[Johnny Carson]

Half of me is spoiling right now.

[David Lucas]

Like this. Like the kid that. The black kid that stabbed the white kid in Texas. They're trying to make it a race issue, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

What the.

[David Lucas]

That shit's crazy.

[Johnny Carson]

He's out of jail.

[David Lucas]

Don't. He got like a million dollars.

[Johnny Carson]

He stabbed somebody to death. How the did he get out?

[Thomas]

Oh, I didn't realize he was out of the.

[Johnny Carson]

He stabbed this kid in the chest, and the kid was like, I'm dead.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, they gave him like a million, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

People raised money for his bail and shit because it was like, it turned into a race thing.

[David Lucas]

What about the white woman who. Who called a little fire and they.

[Johnny Carson]

Made like 700 bands off? People are so happy to be like, I can be secretly racist.

[David Lucas]

But no, you know, let me donate.

[Johnny Carson]

500 bucks to this Business is. Called him an end.

[David Lucas]

But let me tell you what I think that it is, bro, is that black people holler racism so much and get these gofundmes that finally white people had. Because how many white people do we see asking for gofundmes because something has happened to us? I think this was just white people, like, you know what?

[Thomas]

Fuck it.

[David Lucas]

I don't give a fuck what she did. They do it. I'm doing it. I feel like that's what it truly was. I don't even think a lot of Them knew the real cause. I just think they were tired of black.

[Johnny Carson]

Everybody's in seventh grade right now.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I think they were just tired of black people doing all these fucking gofundmes every time they get called a bad word. And, you know, some white dude called you a nigga, and now you need $2 million. I've been called a my whole life growing up in Georgia, and I never got a dollar for it. I wish it came with a million. I wish it did come with something tangible.

[Johnny Carson]

Not wrong.

[David Lucas]

But I think. I think white people are just like, you know what, bro?

[Johnny Carson]

Tired.

[David Lucas]

All that blm. We're supporting this white. We don't give a fuck.

[Johnny Carson]

This is an interesting perspective out of her.

[David Lucas]

Oh, she's. She's set for the rest of her life.

[Johnny Carson]

100, 700 bands last time I saw it.

[David Lucas]

No, it's probably 1.5.

[Thomas]

I thought you had to, like, if the money went over, it went back or.

[Johnny Carson]

No, no, everybody just real supports you, bro.

[David Lucas]

So one of my friends is Kyle Rittenhouse. He got like $2 million from crowdsourcing.

[Johnny Carson]

Damn, that's random. Why do you know that, man?

[David Lucas]

Cuz I talked to him.

[Johnny Carson]

Hold up, like, why did you meet him? How did you come across.

[David Lucas]

You want to talk to him? You want to want to talk to him?

[Johnny Carson]

No, I don't want to talk to him. I want to know how you met this man. I want to know my friend is really good friends with him and lives with him.

[David Lucas]

Hold on. Who's your friend anyway? I did. I did a podcast. Well, I didn't go say that. Me and him had a sit down. And when I had a sit down with him because I'm not scared of humans. I don't give a if you've killed 200 black people. I still will have a conversation with you because you're a human. And I'm not terrified of humans. And I believe humans, regardless of what they do, can have a civil conversation. I'm no threat to you. You're no threat to me. I probably wouldn't cover up my pistol, but I feel like we have. So I'll talk to anybody. I don't care if it's a Klansman, a black Panther, whatever, Aryan brother. Like, I'll talk to you, bro. You're human. We could talk. You might not like my skin color, I might not like what you do, but whatever. But anyway, I had to talk with the dude, and when I talked to him, bro, I realized, this normal kid, this guy's. Well, not anymore. Because he became Politicized. Politicized. He was using the campaign for the 2020 election on the Biden side. Images of Kyle Rittenhouse, you know what I'm saying? And at the end of the day, bro, like, this kid was hitting the head with a skateboard, and I don't know too many grown men. I shoot. I couldn't. I probably would have been dead. He was a good shot. You know what I'm saying?

[Johnny Carson]

And we talked about in here, people got pissed because I was like, why'd you show up with a gun?

[David Lucas]

Why are you even there?

[Johnny Carson]

Also, you're defending yourself. Everyone's wrong and everyone's right.

[David Lucas]

I mean, at the end of the day, you get hit in hell with a skateboard.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm saying, why'd you bring a gun to the rally? What the is wrong with you? Go home. Stay home. I don't pay attention enough, dude. I didn't know during the show, I didn't know Donald Trump was actually running for presidency. It was 2019. I didn't know it.

[David Lucas]

Get the out here, bro. I don't believe.

[Johnny Carson]

Listen to what I'm saying.

[David Lucas]

You live a real rich man's life. Do you go to the grocery store?

[Johnny Carson]

Of course. In my own house, man. We talked about this.

[David Lucas]

Oh, you do clean.

[Johnny Carson]

I stay at my house. I just don't pay attention to the world. I was at my apartment downtown next to Orsini, and people were like, donald Trump. That was memes like, donald Trump's never for the president. Come on. It was like four or five months in before I realized, oh, he's running.

[David Lucas]

For President 2016, or whatever the right.

[Johnny Carson]

When I moved down Here the first 2016, they used to have all his rallies at the Met is where I live. They used to have them at the parking lot. So all the Trump rallies started in my parking lot. So I heard the rallies every week for months.

[David Lucas]

Did you go over there?

[Johnny Carson]

No. I could just look down and see everybody with signs. I didn't know it was real is what I'm saying. So that's how much I don't give a. Or pay attention enough. Do you? I don't care enough.

[Thomas]

We've been trying to pay attention more to.

[David Lucas]

We have.

[Thomas]

We stay away from politics because we're just too ignorant.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Politics is so annoying. It's just. It's just. It's just. You're right. I mean, you're wrong. Let me tell you why you're wrong, and then you're wrong.

[Johnny Carson]

But we can also agree. You still won't agree with Me.

[David Lucas]

Me, bro. It.

[Thomas]

It.

[David Lucas]

I was so ready for this last presidential race to be over, bro. Because people were just losing their minds.

[Johnny Carson]

Pay attention.

[David Lucas]

Like, women were blaming men for Cala Harris losing. And.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, that was funny.

[David Lucas]

It was. But like, that, as you not being a black guy, you don't know what the black guys receive from the.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, no, that's funny. You trying to get this. She's a side.

[David Lucas]

I was getting random messages from. From black women like you. I know you didn't vote for Kamala Harris, and you're the reason women don't have. Right? I'm like, yo, get the about him up. Goddamn dms.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm a blocking ass.

[David Lucas]

No, I ain't blocking her because she cute.

[Johnny Carson]

Things ever gonna happen?

[David Lucas]

Maybe it already did.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, it didn't matter in the first place.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, but I. I like to spin the block sometime.

[Johnny Carson]

I like how you do it. Kamala Harris, not bad, but she's not that bad. I didn't know that was real. I didn't know she was part of the country about Part of California. I didn't know that was Indian. I didn't know she was Montel. Side.

[David Lucas]

All of these things showed up with Montel. And another.

[Johnny Carson]

He's too hard. He walked in like the Pink Panther with those. You know, he did. He gets high as he does weed commercials.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

So you put out your. Was it your first special? Uncancelable.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, me and Daniel did that together.

[Thomas]

Oh, I love that. I love this. Let's go.

[David Lucas]

Hey, bro. I kind of like. I kind of liked. It's so crazy. So one of those places did a. A YouTube video about it that did, like, a YouTube video like we were talking about earlier. And then you just get so many people like, this is the worst special ever. Worst. But like, the same comment because some person said it. Yeah. And so. But a lot of people loved it. And it was one thing I liked about that special. There was no in the middle about it. Either you either you loved it or you hated it. And I'm cool with that for the rest of my life.

[Johnny Carson]

Good.

[David Lucas]

I don't want no lukewarm person. You know what I'm saying?

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. Especially when you're traveling everywhere, man. I'm sure you see. Well, I was telling those, like, did the shows with concrete do. No first show. Great. Second show. I was like, oh, you guys hate me.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

That was racist too. So I don't know what that feeling is.

[David Lucas]

We love you as different. We learned a lot. It was all we. All we. We did everything out of pocket. We made no money from it. But what you call this? Trying to buy Roku.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, good. Anybody that's willing to put your out there, run it.

[Thomas]

Was that the first special at the mothership?

[David Lucas]

I think the first one filmed. Right. First one released.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, really Cool.

[David Lucas]

I think Brian Simpson released film his like maybe two weeks before me.

[Johnny Carson]

So what's next for you?

[David Lucas]

Tv, movie, film stuff.

[Johnny Carson]

August, though. I mean, like, what's really up? Like, like on the books right now. August. You said you're doing Netflix Kill Tony?

[Thomas]

Yeah, he's got hella tour dates on the box.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, you're everywhere, man.

[David Lucas]

August 15th, me, Tony and the boys were actually doing stand up at Madison Square Garden. Oh, that'll be the biggest venue.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, my God.

[Thomas]

God damn. It. Doesn't get much more like epic, bro.

[David Lucas]

It's crazy because I'm like 19 years into my career and I'm doing that. People 20, 30 years in don't even do, bro. Like we. Like. I have a. I have a real bad problem of always looking ahead and not looking at what I've done. And yeah, I had to sit back and realize, like, you're doing Madison Square.

[Johnny Carson]

That's crazy.

[David Lucas]

No matter. Like, even if you don't do else for the rest of your life, you're.

[Johnny Carson]

Tripping each out there. You still did the show.

[David Lucas]

Like, even if you don't do for the rest of your Life. Netflix and MSG. Yeah, 90% of comics will never be able to say that.

[Thomas]

Yeah, you got to reset your goals after that. Like, what do I do after this? Now I got.

[David Lucas]

Don't give me.

[Johnny Carson]

Don't give me lose 90 pounds. Got to get buff. I got to be the rock.

[David Lucas]

I got to fucking. I got to get in shape like Matt Rife, that skinny ass kid.

[Thomas]

So what about the next special?

[David Lucas]

Somebody's already paid for it. Well, they haven't paid me yet, but somebody's already claimed it.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, sick. Network.

[David Lucas]

A big streaming network. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

When do you think it's coming up realistically?

[David Lucas]

Probably end of 2026. Oh, yeah?

[Johnny Carson]

You filmed yet?

[David Lucas]

No.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, that's why I got you. Got you. Just locked in. I got you.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Where would you like to film at? If you could pick anyone?

[David Lucas]

So for me? Well, I mean, I let Daniel kind of hand because I just go there and do my job. So it's like anything like creative or aesthetics, like, he picks it out so he'll be like, I think you should do it here. Or there was that theater in Chicago. What's it called? The Den Theater. We did that last year. The energy is just crazy. It's a beautiful theater. Or the Wilbur.

[Johnny Carson]

Where's that at?

[David Lucas]

Boston. We did that theater last year. Anywhere else? I think it has to be a theater for the. For them, so. Oh, yeah. Oakland.

[Johnny Carson]

Don't go to Oakland.

[David Lucas]

But I rock that.

[Johnny Carson]

Somebody from this.

[Thomas]

What if you did it? It's you. You're sitting in front of a lake audience and sitting in front of a lake.

[David Lucas]

That's some I do like, after.

[Johnny Carson]

That's some Fire guns.

[David Lucas]

That's some I do after. I've already dropped, like, five specials. Yeah. And I'm set for the rest of my life. Just start doing. You know what I'm saying? Just start doing, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

There's this band that, like, they did a concert on a glacier. They're just floating middle of the ocean.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. That's stuff you can do when you're already rich, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, they're bomb.

[Thomas]

They're rich as.

[David Lucas]

That's like Kanye could do something like that. You know what I'm saying?

[Johnny Carson]

And then just throw some Stalin lyrics in that. Whatever he wants.

[David Lucas]

You can't do that. You can't do that where I'm at right now. Like, I still have to work. Like, I'm not a Dave Chappelle. I can't. I can't leave for two years and come back. I have to remain humble because it's an ensemble of us, you know what I'm saying, that are selling this out equally. So not saying we can't, you know, but after doing msg, of course, the next goal is, you know, arenas on my own. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, but that's, you know, just. I just want to keep selling out shows, bro. At the end of the day, what makes me truly happy is when my mom can ask me for money and I don't gotta be like, you know what I'm saying?

[Thomas]

I'm so wholesome.

[Johnny Carson]

It's funny, because that's the first words that come to mind.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. But still funny, you know, taking care of my kids, that's all I really care about, bro. Their happiness makes me happy. Like, when I see my kids happy, like, it's crazy, man. Because my daughter, my youngest daughter, she grew up when my career is already starting to take off. I was on Kill Tony, but my oldest daughter came from. I can't get that, baby. I'm sorry. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, we shopping at Marshalls. I'm sorry. Well, not sorry because she's a kid, but you know, having to shop at Marshalls and fucking scraping up money to go buy her fucking Pampers and formula and all that type of shit.

[Thomas]

Wic. All that shit. Yeah. That first kid gets it all.

[David Lucas]

Well, I didn't get wic. Her mom did. But I'm talking about when I would have her because we. We split custody. So, like, when I would have her when she was young, it's like, oh, I got you me. You know what I'm saying?

[Thomas]

Yeah, that's up. They don't give the dad wick.

[Johnny Carson]

I didn't know that my dad was not around. I have no idea. He was well off that whole.

[David Lucas]

I mean, bro, my. My oldest daughter's mama ain't bro even to this day. She come. She come with me just with the clothes she got on. Oh, I gotta go buy her a whole wardrobe every time and I buy all her clothes. Like, send the clothes I buy. What the is wrong with you?

[Johnny Carson]

She wear the same size. Maybe that's why.

[David Lucas]

No. Hell no. My baby mama got big. She bought your side now.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, damn. That was rude on her part. Am I? You look like you had multiple babies.

[David Lucas]

She used to be only fans model. Fine. But now you ruined her, man. No, I didn't.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, no.

[David Lucas]

I had to make her eat and lay down.

[Johnny Carson]

She was one of the five, and now it's only one of the four.

[David Lucas]

That's a good thing about me. These hoes met me fat, so they can't never say I gained no weight. You met me like this. You got fat. Not a relationship.

[Johnny Carson]

You chose this. You chose for me to be less attracted to you. You stupid. You liked this. With some of this vape, man, you don't get high.

[David Lucas]

That's nicotine.

[Johnny Carson]

I know.

[David Lucas]

I'm saying it's nicotine.

[Johnny Carson]

No, it says geek bar that smells like blueberry.

[David Lucas]

You like it?

[Johnny Carson]

No.

[David Lucas]

You see, vegan ass.

[Johnny Carson]

Hey, man, you. You.

[David Lucas]

But you eat cow byproduct. That's crazy as hell. I don't like, but I suck titties.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, milk. I'm like, what the are we talking about Talking about here, dude?

[Thomas]

Have you guys seen Thompson girl's new show, Bad Thoughts?

[Johnny Carson]

I watched one episode.

[Thomas]

Ridiculous.

[David Lucas]

My favorite episode is the Garth Brooks parody the the Country Sung.

[Johnny Carson]

I only watched one episode so far. Like, he all over himself.

[David Lucas]

I think I texted him yesterday right.

[Johnny Carson]

Where he shits on himself as a hitman. That was disgusting. They left the hair on his legs mixed with the they. It looks very real. It looks like he really. His pants.

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Tom Segura Is one of those comedians that with me, bro. He's like, man.

[Johnny Carson]

Disgusting.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, huh?

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, he all over.

[David Lucas]

Oh, the sniper. Yeah. Then they got a sick mind, bro.

[Thomas]

I love for real. I really went for it.

[David Lucas]

I love it, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

This reminds me of being like on drugs going, oh, my God, I'm covered in. It gave me anxiety.

[David Lucas]

Oh, Used to get high and get covered in.

[Johnny Carson]

No. Can you imagine? Like that fool's in a horrible situation is covered in. Yeah, I shot him. I don't know. I just watched that part two days ago. Me up. We were just talking about it with fucking. This is the last time you shit your pants as an adult. That's disheartening. It's bad. Don't pretend you haven't shit your pants.

[David Lucas]

And that shit looked like it had a huge budget.

[Johnny Carson]

This will change the subject. And I've never shit my pants ever.

[David Lucas]

I have. I know, bro. I remember shitting my pants the first year I lived in la because, you know, I used to live. So I used to live all the way in the Valley. I had no car, so I would bus and train and I would just come downtown for the second half of the day because I hit open mics. And I remember, like, because, you know, in la, bro, using a bathroom, you gotta buy some. You know what I'm saying? And I ain't had no money like that. I'm like, nigga, I gotta say 250 to get back home. So I remember I was running uphill or walking uphill to get to the. The library downtown.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I know where you're at. Yeah, steep as.

[David Lucas]

And a little bit came out before I get to the building. I had to throw them draws away.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, and then do you show that night?

[David Lucas]

Yeah, no, no draws.

[Thomas]

That's not too bad.

[Johnny Carson]

Incredible.

[David Lucas]

I remember what I had on, bro. Black pants, chucks.

[Johnny Carson]

Thanks, God.

[David Lucas]

And a blue and yellow white collar shirt.

[Johnny Carson]

Do you on that? That would have been the end of the night.

[David Lucas]

Nah, bro. But they had no tissue, so I remember I had to like sit my ass in the toilet water and just flush. It was like a bidet.

[Johnny Carson]

He's just hitting it enough times where it splashes.

[Thomas]

Yeah, that works.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I mean, you're gonna make it work. And then I just use my dirty underwear to just wipe.

[Thomas]

All right, that's resourceful.

[Johnny Carson]

You know what's the worst?

[David Lucas]

And then I opened up the back of the toilet to use that water. No, I stuck my underwears in that.

[Thomas]

You hit it back there.

[David Lucas]

There was no trash can.

[Johnny Carson]

This is a public library. They don't have no resources. What the. After, bro.

[David Lucas]

I.

[Thomas]

My tax dollars, bro.

[David Lucas]

When I. When I moved downtown, I just stayed one of those micro laws on 5th and Spring, and I had lost my key, and I was. And I couldn't. And I had to wait for them to open my door. I In a urinal.

[Johnny Carson]

That's cool. I. A church parking lot. That sucked.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, urinal ain't that bad.

[Johnny Carson]

No, you stand.

[Thomas]

Why would you have to go over the urinal?

[David Lucas]

Because that's all they had available. And I was like, I hope nobody come in this right now.

[Johnny Carson]

Why you're trying to cover your dick? Oh, I'm.

[David Lucas]

I'm squatting like a homo over the urinal. Yeah, it was terrible. Yo.

[Johnny Carson]

When I was going to Ken's funeral recently, dude, the funniest. And I knew this little bastard did it. I had to stop and change right before the funeral because we were coming from the airport. I stopped this little restaurant, and the door was this wide. I had to get in sideways, and then the door wouldn't shut, and I was too wide for the spot, so I had to squat. And it was dirty with the. All tagged up, so I'm like, I'm gonna put my ass on that. And there's no paper, so I had to squat and the door wouldn't close. Okay. Kept, like, swinging back because it was heavy. So I had to keep doing this to try to take a. And then there was no. Not enough toilet paper. And I remember thinking, this motherfucker's laughing is ass off. Because the last thing that happened was this woman was his pants. Anyway. Yeah. Taking chance, man, is not fun.

[David Lucas]

That's crazy.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. Especially as a fat guy.

[Thomas]

Were you homies with Ken?

[David Lucas]

It's crazy because when he passed, we were just becoming close. Yeah.

[Thomas]

You got any stories about him?

[David Lucas]

I. Yes, actually. We were in my. I was doing a weekend in Miami at the Miami Improv, and I did two on Saturday. So Ken was doing the Friday at the Dania Beach Improv, and my agent called me. He's like, ken Flores is sick. Can you do two shows in Dania? And I'm like, hell, yeah. He was like, they're gonna. They're gonna just give you a flat rate because you don't have time to promote. I'm like, I just want. I'm just there. I just wanna. And I remember I followed him on Instagram. I'm like, I appreciate you for. If you did that shout out. Appreciate you for putting it in. And I messaged him, and then it took him like two days for him to send me my number. Hits for me to send for him to send me his number. And I was like, what's wrong with you, dog? And no, they told me he had covet. So then when me and him actually talked on the phone, he's like, hey, fool. I actually got food poison. But I didn't want nobody to know that. I didn't want to go over myself. He's like, I didn't want nobody to go. I didn't want to go out like a. He was like, I was laying on a sofa.

[Thomas]

Dog food poison.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, he had food, but he told everybody covered because he want me. And then me and Ken probably hung out like three hours total.

[Thomas]

Oh, okay.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Thomas]

He was a real one.

[David Lucas]

He was solid. He was solid ass.

[Thomas]

He was like, kind of holding Thomas's hand into stand up. Like Thomas's first sets in comedy.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, yeah.

[Thomas]

Improvs in Hollywood.

[Johnny Carson]

Hilarious.

[David Lucas]

You spoiled.

[Johnny Carson]

That's why I said, I'm like, damn hilarious, dude.

[David Lucas]

And he was just taking off, bro. As.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, special comes out next month. Next month.

[David Lucas]

Butterfly. Butterfly effect.

[Johnny Carson]

Next month. Let's go.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Any advice you might give to Thomas going out like, now, like, oh, yeah, on his own, doing stand up.

[Johnny Carson]

I do more, man.

[David Lucas]

You. You got too much money to take it serious to. You got too much money to do what you actually need to do to get good at stand up.

[Johnny Carson]

That was the worst advice I've ever heard.

[David Lucas]

Do you want me to be honest? This nigga's not gonna go do a open mic in front of five people.

[Johnny Carson]

There it is.

[David Lucas]

Oh, you will.

[Johnny Carson]

Of course.

[David Lucas]

There's no way it started, man. There's no way I'd have your money.

[Johnny Carson]

You have to eat.

[David Lucas]

No way. I'd have your money and be trying to with stand up comedy.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, that's the difference, man. Not for money, bro.

[David Lucas]

If I had to start standup comedy right now, I kill myself, bro. What?

[Johnny Carson]

Like, oh, I just, like, I just like the first time I went up there, like, oh, never get paid again. I don't give a. This is the funniest.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I love it, bro. You in the honeymoon phase. Wait till you get in the dark depressed phase, man.

[Johnny Carson]

I don't know about that. That sounds terrible.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro, it's like a toxic. You love it one day, you hate it the next day, but you keep on the.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, no, we have a different outlook, all right?

[David Lucas]

I mean, I wish you the best, but you're too rich, you're too comfortable, and I don't see you doing what you need to do to actually get good at stand up.

[Johnny Carson]

Well, that was crazy.

[David Lucas]

Excuse me? To get great. You're already good.

[Johnny Carson]

I. That was insane.

[David Lucas]

So you're gonna get on stage five to seven times a week.

[Johnny Carson]

That sounds great.

[David Lucas]

You are?

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, why not?

[David Lucas]

You believe that he's got no kids. You listen.

[Johnny Carson]

That's the whole point far. I live 30 minutes away.

[David Lucas]

No, from Hollywood.

[Johnny Carson]

14. No. 18 minutes away from Hollywood.

[David Lucas]

No, you don't.

[Johnny Carson]

Yes, I do. At night when I went with Ken. Yeah. No, like, with Silver. Wme, they already have my. Like, I'm ready to go do all these open mics. The Pocket Club, the Ice House. I need to go eat 50 times.

[Thomas]

They put them together. A game plan of, like, six months.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. I said go eat in all these little clubs and try this out. And in three years, I'm like, I love this so much. And in three years, my go. I loved it. It's just not for me. It might. My luxuries. I don't have to pay my rent off it, so I don't have to stress about it. I can just go have fun.

[David Lucas]

I think I just. You're such a great person. You're so vibrant and, like, comedy can just bring out the worst. And you, bro. No, it just.

[Johnny Carson]

Kid. I feel what you're saying. I know what you're saying, bro.

[David Lucas]

You're gonna. You're gonna be. You're gonna be looking like me soon. You gonna be racist.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't know us too well. I'm a piece of.

[David Lucas]

I know, bro. That's. That's what. That's why I vibe with you, you know? Oh, yeah, it's a. It's a. It's a lonely highway. I get it. I get it.

[Thomas]

UFC fighter, basically.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro. And it's like. Yeah, people see. See the now, but it's like, you should have saw me seven years ago.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, no, I get it.

[David Lucas]

If you would have gave. If I had money to buy a gun, I probably would have squared it at my temple. Or squeezed it. However you say the past squad is funny. Squeeze. What's the past squeeze? Oh, yeah. Squaws.

[Johnny Carson]

That's my rap.

[David Lucas]

Jesus Christ. Is that a pass to the squeeze?

[Johnny Carson]

No, make it now.

[David Lucas]

It is squeezed. That squo sound better.

[Johnny Carson]

I smelled a squanck to myself.

[Thomas]

Jay Z Bros.

[David Lucas]

I was. I was doing a podcast yesterday, bro. You know what I just found out? What is P I Z Z E R I A spell?

[Johnny Carson]

What the. Do you Pizzeria? Is that what you spelled.

[David Lucas]

I had never heard of pizzeria.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm. I'm done with you.

[David Lucas]

I thought it was pizarian.

[Johnny Carson]

No way. Thought it was pizza. Oh, Manuel. That's what it was. Spanish got you.

[David Lucas]

I'm from the South. Ain't nobody I hang with ever said pizzeria. Pizzeria.

[Johnny Carson]

Sopranos before.

[David Lucas]

We got pizza places, but we ain't got no goddamn pizzeria.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, they don't call pizzerias where I'm from either. But I worked at a pizzeria.

[David Lucas]

I've never heard of that. That's what they. They. Because they. They had me read something that said, P I Z Z E R I, A. And I was like, pizzeria. And they're like, no, I love that.

[Johnny Carson]

This is where you went with it, right? Now, you know, I never heard of the word pizzeria.

[David Lucas]

I had, bro. What? I'm from the south.

[Thomas]

Bro country, right?

[David Lucas]

I never heard no, like, that. Pizzeria, what that meant.

[Thomas]

I guess it's kind of like.

[Johnny Carson]

It's like saying cantina, like taco spot, like Mexican food.

[Thomas]

Pizzeria is adjacent to, like, corner store in bodega. Damn near.

[David Lucas]

So what? They sell different. They don't sell pizza, just pizza.

[Thomas]

Pizzeria is more boutique than like a Pizza Hut.

[Johnny Carson]

We're all wrong.

[David Lucas]

So Mama's Papa's Pizza, they don't say no pizza.

[Johnny Carson]

Probably says it on the side.

[Thomas]

They just don't. They're just not branding it right.

[Johnny Carson]

I think it's just means pizza spot. Yeah, I have no.

[David Lucas]

I've never heard that, bro.

[Thomas]

I come from the Mecca pizzerias.

[Johnny Carson]

That's true. That's true.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Yeah. You see? You know, I've never. I don't know, and I've never. Nobody in New York has ever said, go to this pizzeria. They'd be like, you're right. Yeah, you want to grab a slice? Right?

[Johnny Carson]

No one's ever said that to me either. Even my homies from New York.

[Thomas]

You only just see it on the sign.

[Johnny Carson]

It just says on the box, nobody.

[David Lucas]

We should get rid of the word. Nobody uses pizzeria.

[Johnny Carson]

We're all dictating this whole industry. You stupid ass words, bro.

[David Lucas]

You know. You know, three tablespoons of ketchup has more sugar than a donut.

[Johnny Carson]

I like these facts. Keep going with this.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. All right.

[Johnny Carson]

What else? What else?

[David Lucas]

You don't believe it? Google it, though.

[Johnny Carson]

No.

[David Lucas]

I seen that the other day. I was like, that's why kids be covering every thing. That's what I Was doing ketchup. I don't like ketchup, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

I used to that up when I was a kid.

[David Lucas]

I like mustard mix and mayonnaise.

[Thomas]

Yeah, me too.

[Johnny Carson]

You are the most non black man I've ever met in my life. I never heard of pizzeria. I'm Italian.

[David Lucas]

You've heard a say pizzeria in your life?

[Johnny Carson]

Well, my homie's a chef, so. Yeah, so it's different.

[David Lucas]

How did he say it?

[Johnny Carson]

Pizzeria.

[David Lucas]

Like in what context? He just say pizzeria.

[Johnny Carson]

I want to open a pizzeria. What the else is he gonna say?

[David Lucas]

Is he gay?

[Johnny Carson]

No, he's a. I was talking about earlier.

[David Lucas]

Why won't say I want to open a pizza restaurant.

[Johnny Carson]

That's why I say pizza spot. What? He said pizza shop. Pizza shop. Yeah, you say it when you're trying to be fancy.

[David Lucas]

Fisheria. I want to open a fisheria.

[Johnny Carson]

Now we're getting into some wild.

[David Lucas]

I just never heard that.

[Johnny Carson]

Did you know ketchup has a lot of sugar? I like this D. So yeah, there.

[Thomas]

Is no word for like sub shop for that. It's just a sub shop.

[Johnny Carson]

Sandwich shop, sandwich shop, bodega.

[Thomas]

But there's no aria to it. It just is what it is.

[David Lucas]

Submariner.

[Thomas]

See, it doesn't work.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, Wait, no, there is. There is a name for that.

[David Lucas]

Delicatesan.

[Johnny Carson]

You know, delicatessen. That's what it's called.

[David Lucas]

Whatever that called.

[Johnny Carson]

See, that's the pizzeria sandwich.

[David Lucas]

But nobody says that.

[Johnny Carson]

Only the old Italian guys.

[Thomas]

That these are all Italian words.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, that's why the guys that shake the meats.

[David Lucas]

And you've heard a say pizzeria.

[Thomas]

I mean, you got me questioning my whole thoughts on this now.

[David Lucas]

Pizza place.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, where you grew up, Marty, you're the only one ever said pizza. Did anybody ever say pizzeria?

[David Lucas]

No.

[Johnny Carson]

And it's not a real place.

[David Lucas]

It's that. Bro, you from New York?

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

You ever heard pizzeria? Yeah, exactly. That's the most gayest answer.

[Johnny Carson]

You have a suck dick.

[David Lucas]

Not from my mouth. Not from my mouth.

[Johnny Carson]

But I've witnessed it. I was a part of it.

[David Lucas]

I synced it. But I ain't.

[Johnny Carson]

I did this a lot.

[David Lucas]

So we're getting rid of pizzeria and we're using the word squad.

[Johnny Carson]

Squo's. Squo's. Pizzeria.

[Thomas]

I like that.

[Johnny Carson]

Ketchup's got mad sugar. This fool's Cuban, bro. But we learned so much.

[David Lucas]

Do you like squirrels better than squeezed 100.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. Squoz and squawked. Is so much.

[David Lucas]

I like geeses.

[Johnny Carson]

Like geese is a meese. Like we said earlier.

[David Lucas]

I like that word.

[Thomas]

We need to make it.

[David Lucas]

I actually like gooses better.

[Johnny Carson]

Gooses.

[David Lucas]

That was 40 gooses. That sound dope.

[Johnny Carson]

That does sound better.

[Thomas]

Instead of 40 geese.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, yeah, geese sounds soft. Yeah, gooses.

[David Lucas]

I got attacked by 40 gooses today.

[Thomas]

Right? It sounds like way more than a 40 geese.

[David Lucas]

Like if you got two bottles of gray goose, are you going to say, I got two bottles of gray geese?

[Johnny Carson]

Wow, you just the vocabulary up.

[Thomas]

Come on.

[Johnny Carson]

That was a very, very good way to put it.

[Thomas]

He's like disrupting industries.

[David Lucas]

You just did right now. These. I'm going get a letter from the FBI.

[Johnny Carson]

Neil DeGrasse Tyson, I need you to shut the up on this podcast, cuz you're throwing it all off.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. Nobody says, I got two bottles of gray geese.

[Johnny Carson]

Never in life. I used to drink Grey Goose too.

[David Lucas]

Give me two bottles of Grey Goose.

[Johnny Carson]

Always. What the. I love it. Also, you know when people go, damn, that's crazy. When they're done hearing people talk. How do deaf people do that? You don't hear it, man. I'm saying, what is the. The.

[David Lucas]

But they always say, like they always got that weird mumble. I fucked the. Never mind.

[Johnny Carson]

No, keep going, keep going.

[David Lucas]

I fucked a deaf girl one time. She had all them weird noises. My dick want to stay hard, but she was so bad.

[Thomas]

But, bro, it was distracting.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, hold on, I'll show it to you.

[Johnny Carson]

She an Olympic athlete too? Yeah, she's a special Olympic athlete. The 300, they don't use a gun. They just. They go like this. When you're ready to.

[David Lucas]

You definitely ain't going to be able to show this on your part.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, no, these. Wait, I don't want to. What? What'd you film, bro?

[David Lucas]

I don't got the video.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, okay. Like, what the.

[David Lucas]

Hold on, I'm gonna show you.

[Thomas]

How'd you talk to her?

[David Lucas]

Man, that can read lips.

[Johnny Carson]

There's no way. She was like, hey, come to my house and she responded to you.

[David Lucas]

No, she. She actually came to my show, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

What if it was dark?

[David Lucas]

She came to my show in Vegas.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, she knew of you. Oh, this is different. Different? You banged a deaf groupie fan.

[David Lucas]

Damn, bro, why the hook?

[Johnny Carson]

She blocked you too. She blocked you too. You didn't know that? Hormones from the ears. They go down if they don't work. Death Van Vendetta. Marty.

[David Lucas]

How do you pull up old pictures?

[Johnny Carson]

I will light you on fire.

[David Lucas]

How do you pull up the Old pictures that don't even have.

[Thomas]

Click the name and then go to media.

[Johnny Carson]

Click the name and then go to media. And then go down and go to media. Like, keep going.

[David Lucas]

Oh, no. Oh, she got iPhone.

[Johnny Carson]

It's the death feature.

[Thomas]

Dude, she muted you.

[Johnny Carson]

You. Damn, Marty.

[David Lucas]

God.

[Johnny Carson]

Jesus Christ. Dude, she muted you as insane.

[David Lucas]

But wait till you see her, bro. You would have hit it too.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, that's what the question is.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

What was the story?

[David Lucas]

That she was just deaf, bro. And she had. She got this. She got this earpiece that goes to her brain and it plays like. Bro, it sound like the devil talking. She played a video of it, of how it sounds. It's like. Like you can YouTube it, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

What does she want to hear that for?

[David Lucas]

Any little. Anybody want to peek you ain't never seen before. Give me a peek.

[Johnny Carson]

Wait, but she's deaf. How can she hear it?

[David Lucas]

That's what I'm saying. They go to her brain and then it plays.

[Johnny Carson]

So she ain't really deaf. She just got a little short circuit in her ear.

[David Lucas]

Something like that.

[Johnny Carson]

That sounds like a Black Mirror episode. I was banging this girl and she had the devil in her head. What? Yeah, she was deaf, man. You're confusing the out of me. You know ketchup's got hella sugar in it.

[David Lucas]

Nobody ordered two bottles of Gray Geese.

[Johnny Carson]

But she could hear all the pictures.

[David Lucas]

Got that thing on it.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, she hit the. The mute. The.

[David Lucas]

The mute button is smart.

[Johnny Carson]

She's not. She can't hear nothing new. She's sitting there studying all day.

[Thomas]

She's not distracted.

[Johnny Carson]

Not distracted. She'll know what's going on in the news.

[David Lucas]

And that's what she does for a living. That sign language thing.

[Johnny Carson]

Damn, dude, she got the job of jobs. She's not. It's not going nowhere. What do you do?

[David Lucas]

Damn. How do I.

[Johnny Carson]

What do you.

[David Lucas]

Hold on. Look at them knockers.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. He's just going.

[David Lucas]

I hope. Look, bro, you would have hit it. You would have hit it.

[Johnny Carson]

I just think it's really funny. That's what you're showing me.

[David Lucas]

But you wouldn't have hit it.

[Johnny Carson]

She's a girl and she's. Cuz she's deaf. I don't think it really changes much.

[Thomas]

Katie's got some big ass.

[Johnny Carson]

Big ass titties. No, like. So I had sex with you too. Correction. I had sex with Katie.

[David Lucas]

Oh, but the noises, bro. The noises. I was like, man, out of here.

[Johnny Carson]

Sound like Hunchback of Notre Dame.

[David Lucas]

It was like, man, I can't do this, man.

[Johnny Carson]

Incredible.

[David Lucas]

I'm, I'm too, I'm, I'm too empathetic. I was like, I'm too empathetic.

[Johnny Carson]

So he just doing this.

[David Lucas]

I should I feel bad.

[Thomas]

Did you tell her?

[David Lucas]

Nah, she can't hear it. I faked the nut.

[Thomas]

How do you spit on the back.

[David Lucas]

Make that noise, pull out and then she can't hear you spitting, so just put it. She be like, good job.

[Thomas]

Man.

[David Lucas]

I wish this shit was fake.

[Johnny Carson]

I wish this shit was fake.

[David Lucas]

I've done some trifling shit in my life. I'm selling. I wish it was fake, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

I passed her off to my blind friend.

[Thomas]

I would never even if she was deaf, think I could execute that in real time.

[Johnny Carson]

That's so my brain works fast.

[David Lucas]

Nigga, pull out and then spit on that bitch back.

[Thomas]

She didn't question it. You just.

[David Lucas]

What's she gonna. All right, I guess go get in the shower, bitch. Open the door.

[Thomas]

Damn. That was it. So you just never.

[David Lucas]

We fucked twice. I did it again after that. Cause I'm a fucking scumbag. I'm a fucking scumb. Scumbag.

[Thomas]

It's not scumbag necessarily.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I just, I, I nut it that time.

[Thomas]

All right, so you're a gentleman.

[Johnny Carson]

So you're a gentleman. Yes, yes, I did the real thing.

[David Lucas]

She asked for it. She could text really well. But when it come to. When it comes, I'm talking about fast replies. But.

[Thomas]

Yo, okay.

[Johnny Carson]

I've ever heard. I hope she can.

[Thomas]

The way Tom Segura made this up show you gotta make one of all your.

[David Lucas]

Oh man, I, I, I am horrible, bro. I've up with some quality. Imagine being that Olympic athlete. Would have gotten married, bro. Some fat fast ass kids.

[Johnny Carson]

You'd have three kids. One of them be like, dad, stop giving me your build and help me get buff. And the other two by, oh, we're running four flat. You kid. You're the first one too.

[Thomas]

They're all just roasting.

[Johnny Carson]

As he rubbed my roasted. Yo, she could text real good.

[David Lucas]

Are you able to play sound through that?

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

You want me to go to YouTube and type in what deaf people hear through an ear? The brain one.

[Johnny Carson]

Just kill.

[David Lucas]

It was a full moon three nights ago. It was a full moon three nights ago.

[Johnny Carson]

That's what she hears. Go, go take a shower.

[Thomas]

That was an unexpected outcome. It's not too bad. I mean, it's pretty creepy.

[Johnny Carson]

One of our and then she's hurt you project. She took in that voice.

[David Lucas]

She have it. She took it out when we was doing the thing.

[Johnny Carson]

Gargle noises and ain't.

[David Lucas]

No telling what ass clapping sound like in that thing. It's probably too high pitched.

[Johnny Carson]

Sound like a smoke or what do they call the flashbangs.

[David Lucas]

Oh this clip gonna go stupid on our. When we clip this up that go see it cuz she follows my YouTube. She does she so.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh she with captions on hold up. All right. So when's your next shows?

[David Lucas]

Tomorrow, this weekend. Okay, never mind.

[Johnny Carson]

When does this come out? This comes out Tuesday.

[Thomas]

Tuesday there.

[David Lucas]

Oh, I'll be in. I don't know.

[Thomas]

Hold on.

[David Lucas]

I'm about to pull them up right now. I'm.

[Thomas]

I got it right here. So we got Redondo Beach, Spokane, Washington, Fort Wayne, Indiana, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Oklahoma City.

[Johnny Carson]

Multiple shows in each one of these places.

[Thomas]

Oh yeah. Tacoma, Tempe and Texas.

[Johnny Carson]

What.

[David Lucas]

What's.

[Johnny Carson]

What's the website?

[Thomas]

David Lucas comedy dot com.

[David Lucas]

All right.

[Johnny Carson]

David Lucas comedy dot com.

[David Lucas]

I'll bring you some dates.

[Johnny Carson]

Let's go. And you said I gotta drive your car though very carefully, very cautiously. Damn, you got hella dates up. Okay, we'll put in the description davidlucascomedy.com.

[David Lucas]

And go buy my merch website.

[Johnny Carson]

Same website.

[David Lucas]

David Lucas. Then you got to click the tab at the shop.

[Johnny Carson]

Tab.

[David Lucas]

Shop tab. Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

All right.

[David Lucas]

And Besides that shop davidlucas.com is it.

[Johnny Carson]

All go to the same spot too though or.

[David Lucas]

Sharp dude got you. I got lures and.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh damn.

[Thomas]

You're really in this damn suck.

[David Lucas]

Yo. I gotta bring you to the south so we can do some.

[Johnny Carson]

I'll be there next month.

[David Lucas]

Where?

[Johnny Carson]

Texas.

[David Lucas]

That's not the South.

[Johnny Carson]

Pretty Southern.

[David Lucas]

I mean but where was the Battle of Alamo Fault in Texas. And they consider that the wild wild west battles.

[Johnny Carson]

Look I don't know man. California. You know that right?

[Thomas]

You got that? No, he's right.

[David Lucas]

That's what I'll be telling like Texas. The south since weird.

[Johnny Carson]

It's right next to.

[David Lucas]

It's it's west of the Mississippi.

[Johnny Carson]

Then I've never been over there. I've been to Florida one a couple times. That's it.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

I don't know. I just don't want to with no alligators or voodoo. Get that the away from.

[David Lucas]

Or voodoo.

[Johnny Carson]

I want all that.

[David Lucas]

I don't like New Orleans like that.

[Johnny Carson]

And I'm cool off all that. Hey, I'll go where you're at.

[David Lucas]

I'm in New Orleans next week on the Kill Tony tour.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh no. How many. How often you guys doing tours for that?

[David Lucas]

I'm gonna do it as long as they do it probably.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm saying like how often are there shows for to kill Tony?

[David Lucas]

All the time. Well, it's the stand up portion.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I didn't realize that. But it's still the bucket pool and all that.

[David Lucas]

No, no, it's just stand up. Oh, it's just that killers have killed Tony.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, I didn't realize that. So there's two separate shows.

[David Lucas]

There's the. The kill toner show and then the comedians like the regulars. We tour.

[Johnny Carson]

I didn't know it was like that. I thought it was. I thought it was the tour along with the bucket. Cuz I've only seen the YouTube videos, you know what I'm saying?

[David Lucas]

I don't know when we back in Cali but if you want to come, that'd be fun out to Austin.

[Johnny Carson]

I will. I guess I'll be in Austin next, next month doing that.

[David Lucas]

Oh yeah, that's.

[Johnny Carson]

Well, I'll be the Tony and Ralph.

[David Lucas]

Will be out there with Tony might around and cancel last minute it. Tony might he rich. Rich bro.

[Johnny Carson]

See that's where I think it's different. I don't think it matters about amount of money as long as it's fun, right?

[David Lucas]

No, I've been on Tony a long time.

[Johnny Carson]

Like yeah, got a lot to do. Got to eat all the food at the Charlotte's Web fair. That is the rat from Charlotte's Web. He sounds just like Templeton. I don't give a what anybody says.

[David Lucas]

Well no bro, dead on. He got a dope ass multi million dollar condo. It's.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean that's cool.

[David Lucas]

That's what that bro. Like that's like. I was talking to Craig Con about that yesterday. He's like, yeah, I just want to build me a. A big ass compound. Like bro, you'll get stuck. You got. You got to do that later on in your career, bro. Like I. I don't want to be too comfortable right now. I still need to have that grind and that dog in me. And you build some multi million dollar you get like it'll be hard to leave. Like why would I want to leave this paradise I invented?

[Thomas]

Yeah, super true.

[David Lucas]

Yeah.

[Thomas]

Hate leaving my house.

[Johnny Carson]

I just don't want to see.

[David Lucas]

I like living a little gutter. Like in Austin we live in a gentrified area. So we live in a gated community. But it is hood surrounded.

[Johnny Carson]

It's one fucking safe hut on base, bro.

[David Lucas]

Some around the corner has an Aston Martin.

[Johnny Carson]

That's awesome.

[David Lucas]

But what I'm saying is like there's a pocket and then there's another pocket over here. And everything else, bro. Like a. Got a. A convertible school bus in his front yard.

[Johnny Carson]

Badass.

[David Lucas]

And I wish I was like, Frenchman. No, hell no.

[Johnny Carson]

I want to be home.

[David Lucas]

Guy with a convertible bus, they got a convertible school.

[Johnny Carson]

You know what kind of he does in there?

[David Lucas]

And then they. This lady across the street from like looking out of our gate, she got like some Chihuahua that every time you pull in they barking. And.

[Johnny Carson]

Yes, just describe normal life.

[David Lucas]

The ice cream truck drives through.

[Thomas]

This is all community, but it don't come.

[David Lucas]

It don't come. I grew up in the country.

[Johnny Carson]

Where'd you grow up?

[David Lucas]

In the hood and then in the country later on.

[Johnny Carson]

That's probably why, huh? Because I'm saying that shit all sounds good, normal. Like there's multiple ice cream guys and meat people and corn ladies.

[David Lucas]

And I wish they had California. I wish Tech. I wish our hood. I wish they had what we have in la out in Texas, bro. I love a.

[Johnny Carson]

They don't have that.

[David Lucas]

Not in my hood. I don't know, maybe they. Maybe somewhere else. But I wish they had a low taste, lady. And I wish they have frutas.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. Yeah.

[David Lucas]

I wish Sita was out there selling fruit. But yeah, bro, I like living where I live. It's nice on the inside. And then as soon as I leave my gate, it's like, let me turn back around.

[Johnny Carson]

Roll them up. National Lampoon.

[David Lucas]

No, but it's cool, bro. Like the, like, Texas, like Austin is like probably the safest place I've ever lived.

[Johnny Carson]

Really.

[David Lucas]

Oh, swear to God, bro, everybody's got a gun. Maybe. I don't know. But these bro. Hood would be like, they. They're not. It's not like la, ain't nobody pressing you. Ain't nobody like, game. I ain't never seen nobody get jumped. Ain't never heard of that, bro. Like, I walk around with Jury, on which I would never do 6th Street.

[Thomas]

All I see in World Star, 6th street brawls. But that's like.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, but that's Saturday. That's. That's Saturday. I don't go down there on Saturday, bro. Because that's when autumn Y ends from Colleen and East and Houston and Dallas come and gather on six. I wish they would shut that down. That's like probably the only. It's probably the only crime in Austin, bro. I don't know what else.

[Thomas]

There's not even really like hoods in Austin, is there?

[David Lucas]

All that they say there is, but.

[Johnny Carson]

900 people just got pissed at the garage right now.

[David Lucas]

You said there is, but it's not like. It's not like in la. Like I don't think there's a place in Austin that I would fear like driving through.

[Johnny Carson]

I've been, oh, there's some spots out here I can't even drive.

[David Lucas]

That's what I'm saying. Okay, like in Austin. I don't think there's a place I can't like, bro. I went. There's an area where the cartel hangs out. Why are we going over there to get tacos in Austin? Because I ain't. I don't sell no dope. They be like cartel be over there. I'd be like, bro, I don't sell no dope.

[Johnny Carson]

Anything but get food.

[David Lucas]

Them probably fans, you know what I'm saying?

[Thomas]

Did you see the bridge where everybody lays beneath it unless the bats all piss and shit on them and stuff.

[David Lucas]

That is so white people. Shit, dude.

[Thomas]

Fake.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, that's not real.

[David Lucas]

There is a bridge where white people gather to look at the bats come out. But they. You can't lay under this in the water.

[Thomas]

But there's people that I've been on the. There's a boat and then there's people that just lay in the water on little floaties and stuff.

[David Lucas]

Oh, they're stupid as shit. I thought you were making some shit up. No, but the bats come out every evening at like sun. What's it called? Sunset. When murder Kids. Summer solstice.

[Thomas]

Yeah, it looks like it. They come out by like.

[David Lucas]

No, it's crazy, bro. It's the bat bridge.

[Johnny Carson]

I'm cool that bro.

[David Lucas]

White people. White people fly from all over to see that. And then the worst was when we had the eclipse. Cuz we. We could see it and people like came in droves to see the eclipse.

[Johnny Carson]

I'll be over here. I'll stay with the gay marriors. And you keep the bats that.

[David Lucas]

I love being in LA. Austin hot. At least it'd be 95 degrees.

[Thomas]

Humid. As the thing about Austin is It'll be like 105 at like 5am for no reason.

[David Lucas]

I've never lived anywhere. Florida, Georgia, where it's 100 degrees at midnight.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, Miami, it doesn't stop.

[David Lucas]

You can never. Bro, you can. No, Miami ain't nothing.

[Johnny Carson]

Sam's just tripping.

[David Lucas]

It's just humid.

[Johnny Carson]

I never experienced that.

[Thomas]

Austin's like that too.

[David Lucas]

Austin's like that with 100 degree wet. You'll be like that.

[Johnny Carson]

I went to Texas bad.

[David Lucas]

You'll sweat in in Miami. If it's 85, yeah, I'm. Because of the amount of humidity, but it's good for your skin and your respiratory system.

[Johnny Carson]

Everybody's all brown and clean looking, so I get it. Everybody's working.

[David Lucas]

You're detoxing all the time.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, everybody's on one, just sweating out tequila and cocaine. But I was dripping sweat. I'm fat. I can't be doing that. It's disgusting. I don't know.

[David Lucas]

I got a show soon.

[Johnny Carson]

Let's do it. Thank you for being here for David Lucas everywhere or what's on Instagram. Social. What is it?

[David Lucas]

David Lucas funny.

[Johnny Carson]

Funny.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. David Lucas funny.

[Johnny Carson]

All right, so David Lucas funny and David Lucas comedy dot com.

[David Lucas]

Hey, y' all are taking me home to Hollywood. Thank you, bro.

[Johnny Carson]

Gotcha. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna drive. I'm driving home in this nice Uber that this Armenian's gonna.

[David Lucas]

No, I wanna. I want to experience. Yeah, I ain't gonna put your business out there.

[Johnny Carson]

Trunk, trunk. Trunk of nothing.

[Thomas]

Oh, we vlogged this out.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

I just drive home.

[David Lucas]

I don't put nothing out there.

[Johnny Carson]

I could give a. Let's go home.

[Thomas]

We're super hyper cautious about like, oh.

[Johnny Carson]

Dude, you get shot from the locations.

[David Lucas]

That's what I'm saying. But you vlogged it out.

[Johnny Carson]

We never show and you don't know where we're at. Ever do everything.

[David Lucas]

Even just the car.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean, Catch me.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, V12.

[Johnny Carson]

Come on, catch me. If someone catch me driving. Don't never. Unless they got some. It's like damn scary.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, I'm careful dog now.

[Johnny Carson]

No, I go home, dude. That's why I live in that gay spot. If I go home, park my. Nobody knows what I do. I can get high. I wear vans. Nobody suspects a thing, right?

[David Lucas]

Yeah, they don't. They don't watch weed content.

[Johnny Carson]

It's just boxed. Boxed car. It's all that matters, bro.

[David Lucas]

I. When I used. We used to live in a high rise downtown Austin, bro. And you could always see people looking like, what does this do?

[Johnny Carson]

Always?

[David Lucas]

What is. That's why people would ask me, what do you do?

[Thomas]

I'm a rapper on some overt.

[David Lucas]

Like, probably because they went to college for eight years.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, why'd you live here? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's down here every. You see fools with vaccines holding vaccine bags like, bro, you got. I'm gonna fall to your apartment. There's 30 packs in there at least. People are not cautious out here. That's why they get shot up all the time.

[David Lucas]

They're out of towners.

[Johnny Carson]

They always are.

[David Lucas]

They don't realize they don't know how to move.

[Johnny Carson]

What are they doing? They're target with bags of bags.

[David Lucas]

If you. If you ain't got no homies, you're done. And you out here like, can I get 15 zips? Yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

How much money do you have on you?

[David Lucas]

You got 40,000 cash right now? Yeah, I got somebody, yeah.

[Johnny Carson]

Ellie's a different place.

[David Lucas]

People do, people do. But I've had people. I've had people back home be like, hey, man, plug me. I need to get 10 zips. Like, during the pandemic. Pandemic. I'm like, bro, like, if I was trifling, bro, I'd rob you. But I'm gonna tell you something, bro. Bring your ass out here. Don't send nobody no money. No. But don't send nobody no money, because then these I know out here that do that gonna be like, well, come get it. They gonna say, come get it.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah, this.

[David Lucas]

They don't give a about going to Macon, Georgia. They'll never go over there to get caught by that. But they'll be like, come get it.

[Thomas]

Yeah, it's up.

[Johnny Carson]

Yeah. So I used to read my friends. My friends only that I know where you live.

[Thomas]

I sent one box back. It didn't make it. And that was the end of my career.

[David Lucas]

Same, bro, I. I sold weed for, like, three months, bro. I remember, like, I was doing, like, hand to hand, like, giving people weed. And. And I don't know what it is about, like, when you do. When you're like a weed man and want to be like, I'm like, bro, you gonna buy it or not?

[Thomas]

Yeah.

[David Lucas]

And I was like, bro, I give you, like, extra. Just buy this. I had a whole. I had a half a pound. I was trying to get off because I sent half a pound home that got taken because, I don't know, we's.

[Johnny Carson]

Not even worth money no more, dude, that over here. Not at all.

[David Lucas]

Over here, it's not.

[Johnny Carson]

No. Everybody. The price up on Instagram was like, bro, I'll give it to you.

[David Lucas]

If me and you could do business, you'd make more than you would never. I know, but you don't wanna. I don't do it either. But if I was courageous, if I was courageous and I was my age or my career, one, I'd be like.

[Johnny Carson]

Hey, bro, 5,000 a p should make it worth it for me.

[David Lucas]

And nobody's doing that.

[Johnny Carson]

I mean, on top of. But I don't mean just flat, but you on top.

[David Lucas]

But you know what's crazy, bro? The people who I know that made a lot of money in Georgia made a lot of money because they were getting stuff over here for like 800.

[Johnny Carson]

Up here, 36 over here.

[David Lucas]

Because in Georgia, everybody can't afford top shelf. So they want regular the that we damn near giving away here. That's what they want over there. So they. They killing it when they come here and get it for 800 and then break that down and make four, five bands.

[Johnny Carson]

Yep.

[David Lucas]

And we over here like, y' all want that? Give you that.

[Johnny Carson]

Oh, it's cold. Louisiana.

[David Lucas]

Yeah, bro. Some backyard boogie. That brick ass weed they be smoking.

[Johnny Carson]

Out, it's gold over there.

[David Lucas]

They smoke that backyard boogie that hard.

[Johnny Carson]

You break it off.

[David Lucas]

That should be pressed.

[Johnny Carson]

You can break it.

[David Lucas]

You break weed off in Louisiana. Like a rice krispie treat.

[Johnny Carson]

Exactly. Like a rice krispie treat. People don't understand. It's like cow patty and it's straight strings out.

[David Lucas]

Yeah. It's just.

[Johnny Carson]

It's the same way. All right, let's get you out of here. Thanks for being here, dude. David Lucas, funny on all platforms. Dave Lucas, comedy. Thank you for being here. Have a dope ass day.

[David Lucas]

Perfect.

[Johnny Carson]

Perfect.

[David Lucas]

You perfect.

[Johnny Carson]

I love.