Prison Rules Apply w/ Felipe Esparza!

Summary

DOPE AS USUAL Podcast — “Prison Rules Apply w/ Felipe Esparza!”

Episode Date: January 7, 2026
Hosts: Marty O’Neill & Thomas “Dope as Yola” Araujo
Guest: Felipe Esparza

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Overview

Kicking off the first episode of the year, Thomas and Marty welcome back comedian Felipe Esparza for a characteristically off-the-wall, no-topic-too-tough hangout. The trio dive into rambling, hilarious tales about wild comedy gigs, bizarre strip club buffets, family histories, the realities of drug culture, and deep-cut movie nerdery. True to the episode title, “Prison Rules Apply,” no subject is off-limits as Felipe holds court with quick wit and dark, self-aware humor. The episode also offers genuine reflections on addiction, the artistic grind, Mexican-American experience, and the weird side of stand-up touring.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Episode Kick-off & "Prison Rules"

• [00:53] The phrase “Prison rules apply” sets the tone—jokingly dark and boundary-pushing.
• Jokes about “collections” escalating from violence to “prison rules” (“We’re past beating up, someone’s getting penetrated. That’s how we do shit, 2026.” – Thomas [00:56])
• Hosts and guest riff on how high they got before recording, setting the loose, unfiltered mood.

2. Felipe on Stand-Up Struggles

• Gritty Comedy Gigs: Felipe paints a vivid picture of scraping through low-pay gigs, sleazy promoters, and motels in California’s forgotten cities.
  • “Before you make it bro, you play everywhere. You can’t forget about that time you sold out 180 tickets at Tulare, California.” – Felipe [06:02]
• Small City Love: Emphasizes the importance of never forgetting the “little cities”—the blue-collar crowds that now drive to his big Los Angeles shows.

3. Wildest Strip Club & Backstage Stories

• [35:03] After-hours party tales: Strip clubs with buffets and “bodan balls” (meat-stuffed rice balls), bartering in Texas, and being offered lap dances while eating lobster tails.
  • “After all that crazy stuff, there was a lady serving good ass food at 3 in the morning.” – Felipe [39:07]
• Jokes about the sadness and weirdness of strip clubs with food (“You shouldn’t give drunk people knives around naked girls.” – Thomas [43:20])
• Bizarre characters: Gun-toting Uber drivers (including letting Felipe touch an AR-15 in a rideshare—[10:15]); sketchy massage parlors where the masseuse goes full WWE (“She left her shoes on.” – Felipe [16:02])

4. Ethnic & Family Dynamics, Identity

• Mexican-American upbringings: Touching on the realities of growing up Mexican and Jewish in California, and the odd overlaps with Armenian-American culture (“Armenians dress like Mexicans on Sunday for church.” – Thomas [50:56])
• Family backgrounds: Felipe details his family, tough love, and generational differences (“Mexicans, we have a strong family structure; it’s easier to come out.” – Felipe [30:54])
• Crowd work gone wrong: Reflecting on how his candid questions in stand-up sometimes cut too deep, especially with disabled audience members ([135:25] onward for a wild example)

5. Drugs, Recovery, and the Meth-Era Childhood

• Raw honesty: Open talk of addiction, recovery, and family drug histories
  • “My mom smoked a lot of meth when I was a kid. My dad smoked crank—bit different than the meth, you know.” – Thomas [26:24]
• Using and recovery: Felipe on crack, cocaine, and sobriety since 2009; both discuss what kept them “in” and what eventually brought clarity (“I just don’t act on those thoughts anymore—I don’t go back.” – Felipe [113:29])
• Fentanyl fears: Worrying about the dangers youth face with today's drugs: “I’d have been dead 12 years ago if that was around.” – Thomas [110:28]

6. Comedy Influences & Movie Obsessions

• Felipe’s Favorite Films
  • Discusses “Factotum” (Matt Dillon as a Charles Bukowski antihero), “Things To Do In Denver When You’re Dead,” “Romeo Is Bleeding,” “True Romance,” “Swiss Army Man”
  • On Bukowski: “Not all the women in the world are whores. Just mine.” – Bukowski quote cited by Felipe [63:33]
• Binging & Breaking Down: Felipe and his wife co-host “Do You Even Binge?”, where they “read the preface, watch the movie, and talk—inaccurately—about history” [54:39].
• TV Voices: Felipe voices characters in “Royal Crackers” (HBO), “Universal Cable Guys” (Fox), “This Fool,” and sketches with Frankie Quinones.

7. Podcast Projects & Touring

• Felipe plugs his several podcasts:
  • “What’s Up Fool?” (Wednesdays), “History For Fools” (Sunday), “Do You Even Binge?” (Friday)
  • Notable Episode: “Radium Girls”: story of the women who painted glow-in-the-dark watches—and were poisoned.
  • “A podcast where we say a lot of stuff that’s actually facts. Like ‘Radium Girls.’” – Felipe [54:39]
• Big Shows: Upcoming June 13 at The Greek Theatre (LA), plus 20+ city tour (details at https://FelipesWorld.com)

8. Diet, Health, and Getting Older

• Vegan/vegetarian dialogue: Felipe describes his routine (“I just don’t eat meat. Oatmeal, vegan turkey sandwich, vegan chilaquiles. And I don’t eat again till the next day.” – [162:15])
• Intermittent fasting and struggles with weight for all three hosts

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Prison Rules:

  • “We’re past the beating up. Someone’s getting penetrated. That’s how we do shit, 2026.”
    — Thomas [00:56]

• On stand-Up grind:

  • “Before you make it, bro, you play everywhere. You can’t forget… you sold out 180 tickets at Tulare, California.”
    — Felipe [06:02]

• On old comedians making sudden restrictions:

  • “Imagine… you gotta do a show and they say: listen, don’t do dick jokes anymore. Don’t do sodomy jokes. So you gotta get on your knees and get your ass beat.”
    — Felipe [03:46]

• On small-town weirdness:

  • “Yo, they put me up in a hotel drive. Scary one, bro. That’s the one where all the old drunk white ladies are.”
    — Felipe [05:40]

• On Food At Strip Clubs:

  • “You’re like eating nachos, looking at titties. Weird.”
    — Felipe [41:15]

• On comedy and ethnic identity:

  • “Mexicans… strong family structure. It’s kind of easier to come out. White people gotta wait for their dad to die.”
    — Felipe [31:10]

• On addiction:

  • “My mom smoked a lot of meth when I was a kid. My dad smoked crank—bit different than the meth, you know.”
    — Thomas [26:24]
  • “I haven’t done drugs since 2009.”
    — Felipe [110:11]

• Movie Nerd Out:

  • “Not all the women in the world are whores. Just mine.”
    — Bukowski via Felipe [63:33]
  • On “True Romance”: “You ever like the one where Gary Oldman plays a white pimp with dreads? It ain’t White Boy Day.”
    — Thomas [68:41]

• On Fake Crowd Work:

  • “I do horrible crowd work, by the way… I asked him: were you born that way or did someone shoot you? It happened when I was six months old. I said, wow man, your dad loves you… If I was in a car with you, I woulda smothered you to death, bro.”
    — Felipe [135:25–137:54]

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Segment Timestamps

• [00:41] — Episode opens; "Prison rules" riff
• [01:51–04:54] — Felipe’s rundown of bad gigs, shady promoters, weird hotel stays
• [06:33–07:49] — The misadventures of performing in tiny towns (Saginaw, Michigan story)
• [09:49–11:20] — Guns, sketch rideshares and comic recognition in public
• [16:02–17:27] — Worst massage parlors and accidental “WWE moves”
• [26:24–31:21] — Real talk: drug-using family background, standup as escape, sincere rehab
• [35:03–46:47] — Legendary after-hours, strip-club buffet, and bartering for drugs and food
• [54:39–57:28] — Podcast talk: "Do You Even Binge?" and "History for Fools" (Radium Girls story)
• [63:33–66:26] — Movie nerding: Bukowski, “Factotum,” “Denver When You’re Dead,” “True Romance,” “Swiss Army Man”
• [110:11–116:39] — Addiction, recovery, thoughts on how sobriety is always “one bad thought away”
• [149:08–154:13] — Upcoming tours, favorite venues, and podcast plugs
• [162:00–164:55] — Vegan/vegetarian diet and intermittent fasting
• [166:04–167:22] — Family, marriage, generational perspectives

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Final Notes

• Tone & Style: The episode is freewheeling, raw, and deeply irreverent but periodically pauses for sincere advice on addiction and reflections on creative life.
• Recurring Bits: Marty and Thomas egg on Felipe’s storytelling, with running jokes about crowd work, “prison rules,” and family dysfunction.
• Felipe plugs: “What’s Up Fool?” podcast, “History For Fools,” “Do You Even Binge?”, and his upcoming Greek Theatre show (June 13) and national tour (FelipesWorld.com).
• Memorable Takeaway: In true “Dope as Usual” fashion, the episode oscillates between laugh-out-loud chaos and honest reflection—courtesy of Felipe’s unique, unfiltered lens on stand-up, substance abuse, and life’s oddball details.

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For More:

• Find Felipe’s tour dates and projects at FelipesWorld.com
• Listen to his podcasts: “What’s Up Fool?,” “Do You Even Binge?,” and “History for Fools”

Podcasts drop:

• What’s Up Fool — Wednesdays @ 8:00pm
• Do You Even Binge? — Fridays
• History for Fools — Sundays

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“Just because I’m the color of the brown, Holmes.” — Felipe, freestyling [52:45]

Transcript

[A]

To you.

[B]

Perfect. Perfect, Perfect, Perfect.

[A]

What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Dope As Usual podcast. My name is Thomas Dope as. Yo. This is my co host, Marty o'.

[B]

Neal.

[C]

What's cracking, guys?

[B]

What's up, Marty? What's up?

[C]

No one's ever thank you, by the way.

[A]

Hey, There we go. All right. It's the first episode of the year. I'm very excited to have this guest back. Please give a warm welcome to Felipe Esparza.

[B]

What's up, everybody? What's up, fool? Thank you for having me.

[A]

What's up, dude?

[B]

What's up?

[A]

You came dressed like you're going to ask me for the. For the. The. The money.

[B]

Where is that?

[A]

Where's the money, man?

[B]

The money, bro.

[A]

I don't want to break your legs or your fingers.

[B]

We're past that, bro.

[A]

It's just sex now.

[C]

It's collection.

[A]

We're past the beating up. Someone's getting penetrated. That's it. That's how we do shit. 2026.

[C]

Got to be made wrong one way or the other.

[A]

Yeah. Something's gonna happen. Prison rules apply.

[C]

That sounds like an episode.

[B]

That's how we.

[A]

Prison rules apply. It's a good episode. What's up, dude?

[B]

What's up, man?

[A]

How high did you get this morning?

[B]

Pretty. Pretty good, man. Pretty good.

[A]

We were talking about goodwill hunting, and then as he's talking about, he goes, what movie we talking about?

[B]

The other one. We're talking about the. The wrestling movie with.

[A]

Oh, the Smashing Machine.

[B]

Smashing Machine.

[A]

It was.

[B]

It was.

[A]

It was what it was, man. It was a movie. Let's just leave it at that.

[B]

It was all right.

[A]

It was all right at the beginning. I'm like, damn, Mark Kerr, this is sick. And then it turned into, like, some lifetime. I don't want to ruin it because it's hard to ruin, but damn, that got goofy, man.

[B]

I don't know, man. It's never seen, like, a. I mentioned him on my podcast. Do you even binge podcast? Do you even binge with my wife? We have a movie watching podcast. And I mentioned, like, I don't know. I didn't know who Marker was. Oh, because I don't watch. I didn't know. I didn't watch UFC when there were no rules.

[A]

You know, I used to watch with my dad, but.

[B]

But I never found out. Like, Marker was, like, he was wrestling and fighting when they were allowing bears in the ring, bro. Like, I saw him pounding a bear, bro, with his bare hands and just biting his throat. He was headbutting that wild beast. And then finally when he, when they, when they, when they asked the rules now and why people get involved, that's what tell him right before the fight. Listen, man, mate, you can't be punching bears no more, right, Mate, we just went English.

[A]

No, what you what, what straight did you smoke this morning? This was going off in some.

[B]

But imagine, bro, as a. I kept watching the movie, that movie, Smash Machine as a comic, as a struggling comic. It's funny because imagine, man, your whole life you've been telling dick jokes, pussy jokes, sodomy jokes, bad racist jokes that don't even get laughed like the owner was. And then now you gotta do a show and they tell you, listen, man, I don't know where you've been at the last three months, but when you go up there, don't do dick jokes at all and don't do sodomy jokes. So what are you gonna do now, man? So you're gonna get on your knees and get your ass beat.

[A]

Yeah, that's true. Where the was that going? I am so lost.

[B]

That's how I started, bro. Because I've been to shows when I, before I was started doing well, well, I would get there and like, there's like a list of things I can't do. And I. Yeah, so in that movie, I noticed that they. There was a list of stuff that he couldn't do no more. Like, oh, man, you can't bite people's penises off anymore while you're. Well, he has, you know, leg lock. Or you can't, you can't. And then there was a guy that was talking through a translator. He goes, if he's down on the floor, can we go punch his wife and kids? And they gotta go. He actually got to go through the papers. Only if he's already down.

[A]

He attack their families. And could you imagine that all out rule.

[B]

Oh, man. And then there's this, there's this bad scene, man, where, where he's talking to the promoter of somewhere. And I remember, bro, they're telling me being there, bro, like penniless, but with a lot of talent. And I'm talking to the promoter and the promoter is telling me, listen, man, I know we promised you $300 in a hotel room and gas money, but they told us that you had, you had a ride all the way over here. And so we're gonna put you over there at the, at the hotel over there by cool cats in Mercedes.

[A]

And Mercedes, you're on a hotel drive. Yeah, scary one, bro. They put Me there, dude, that's the scary one, man.

[B]

They put me there, bro. I. When that guy changed the contract on me so that. The whole movie, I felt it like. I felt the movie like a. A struggling comic, bro. That's not gonna make it.

[A]

I like your breakdown of the movie, man. We ended up in Merced by cool cats. That's where all the old white lady drunk are.

[B]

Oh, my God, bro.

[A]

Oh, they're bad.

[B]

The hookers there, man, are sad, bro. Like, they walk around with the same clothes they wore when they ran away from Porterville, California.

[A]

Oh, yeah, they did. Yeah, yeah, they did. Porterville.

[B]

Damn.

[A]

You really. You really get around California, don't you? It's like I played at water before.

[B]

That's what happened, bro. Before you make it, bro.

[A]

Play everywhere.

[B]

People tell you, man. What are the. What are the. The cities you performed at are? Well, I probably been to New York, Manhattan or Toronto. But you never forget. You never. You gotta remember the little cities, bro. The ones that were there. The little cities, they now drive to go see you in LA. You can't forget about that time you sold out 180 tickets that to Larry, California.

[A]

Yeah, why not? That's your demographic. That's the demographic of like. Yeah, we just want.

[B]

You got a standing ovation in Saginaw, Michigan for.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In front of a Tejano crowd in Michigan. Yeah, bro. I opened up for like nine Tejano bands.

[A]

Oh, it was concentrated for that reason. Okay. I'm like, they just showed up in Michigan.

[B]

Yeah, bro. They came from. I don't know where they came from, cuz when I. When I got to Sagina, Michigan, I was being driven by this guy named Richard. Shout out to Richard. I think he. I think he murk his wife. Because we're talking, we're talking about O.J. with him. He's like. He was like a conspiracy theorist. I always get you. You travel, right? You travel now. You do stand up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You work with comics and the light is right there. Do you let the drivers talk?

[A]

I would never tell anybody not to talk, bro. If it's a lot, that's crazy.

[B]

If it's a long drive, I let the driver talk forever just to entertain me. Like, I have a free podcast.

[A]

Yeah. They always got something to say.

[B]

And he was telling me that he. He went to a yard sale and the guy at the yard sale told him that a friend of his bought OJ's murder weapon. @ a yard sale. Yeah.

[A]

Exactly. Someone's tweaking. It was like, nah, Dar, I swear to God. This is it. 30.

[C]

Bucks. It's a.

[A]

Knife. Believe it's a knife. It's a.

[B]

Knife. He said that OJ's son was. It came from OJ's son's.

[A]

House. I honestly believe that his son killed. That killed.

[B]

Him. That's what he said. The son came from OJ's.

[A]

Son? Yeah. No, OJ son's a.

[C]

Beast. Another evidence. Isn't that in the evidence room at the.

[A]

Police? No, but I definitely believe he did that. And he was like, hey, I don't want you to jail, let's cover.

[B]

This. So I try to change the subject to like a more milder subject. And I say, well, you know man, it's. It's cheaper to keeper, right? He stood quiet for a long time. Then he look at me goes, it's cheaper to kill her. Don't you forget.

[A]

That. That's a second murder weapon that use that. I swear to God, it's killed people. He's selling. That's a good way to get rid of a murder weapon. Sell.

[B]

The. I had a guy in, in Texas, in Odessa, Texas, it was a Uber driver. He goes, you guys have open. And that's the driver. You're gonna have open and carry laws here in Texas? Well, here in Odessa Midland. He goes, yeah. Are you packing right now? Hell yeah. And he let me see. And he, he put to a side, he had a side arm right there. Then he wouldn't. He opened up a jacket. He had another gun right here and right there by the stick shift. He had an AR15. Yeah, it's just chilling. And I said, wow. I felt like, like a, like a hot chick.

[A]

Bro.

[B]

Guarded. I've never seen a 3 inch fat, 9 inch.

[A]

Penis. A 3 inch fat, 9.

[B]

Inch. And I said, well, can I touch.

[A]

It? Can I just. What's it taste like? What's this taste.

[B]

Like? He goes, yeah, bro, pull it out. So I pulled out the AR15 and I was holding in the driver in the back, in the back.

[A]

Seat. Must with you heavily. I would not let some passenger like, yeah, hold my AR behind my head.

[B]

What? He was telling me his favorite joke I do, by the way, at the same.

[A]

Time. Oh, he knows who you are. Different.

[B]

Story. But the whole different story. But he was packed, bro. He was about to go kill some dignitary somewhere at the.

[A]

Airport. Yeah, people.

[B]

Scary. Who shows up with that much artillery to picks a.

[A]

Comic? Texans, they love it, dude, the way we with weed here, like try this, try that. That's guns over there. They don't give a Or you know what? California's wild with that too. I gotta be honest, man, what with the guns, like, I was standing outside my back doctor, right? And these three like 25 year old Mexican full hoodlum assholes pull up. I'm like, ah, what do you guys want? They're like, yo, we love your video. I'm like, oh, sick. Who gets out as a AK at his foot, just sitting right where his feet are, gets out. He's like, you should be careful around.

[B]

Here.

[A]

My. I'm just at my dog's like, you know, getting Uber or something. Like, oh, I thought Van Nuys was okay. What.

[B]

The. So your doctor is actually a. A so, huh? Exactly. Like a real doctor. You went to a doctor that has like a. A dirty mattress in his.

[A]

House? No, I went to a real back doctor. I haven't been to the. The soccer doctor in a long.

[B]

Time. That's a Mexican chiropractor with no.

[A]

Degrees. That's who I'm talking.

[B]

About. You'll fix. You. You go there for a bad back, but two weeks later, man, you can't move your.

[A]

Ankles. Yeah. Or you go for like, oh, my back hurts. And then you're pregnant. I promise. It happens.

[C]

Often. No, I've heard about that.

[A]

Before. They really work though. They got magic. Fix my.

[B]

Ankle. How do they do.

[A]

That? I don't understand. He like lifted my leg, pushed back and my ankle stopped.

[B]

Swelling. We're the school for these guys that do chiropractor in the.

[A]

School. That's the schooling. Just exactly. Enough.

[B]

Whistling. He just goes like this for about he. He does this about an hour. So it has to get hot.

[A]

Like and touches your body. And I think it's a placebo. You're like, I just want to get the out of here. I'm fixed. It's crazy, dude. My dad took me to those guys. They're always behind a Target or a Walmart. They're nice dudes though, but they're always old as.

[B]

Marty. You know what we're talking.

[C]

About? I don't know what.

[B]

The. Okay, that's funny you say that, but I was talking to that. The. The driver that dropped me off today. We were talking about massages and it was. He was like giving me advice on where to get the best massages and then how to. How to approach it, you know, to get a happy.

[A]

Ending. Oh, with.

[B]

Dudes. He goes, because he remembered me for the last time. He drove me, this.

[A]

Guy. You were one of the tallest Mexicans I've ever.

[B]

Seen. So he goes, oh, man. How you been, man? The last time I picked you up with our massage parlor and you were telling me how little do happy endings there, and I said, yeah, I told you that my wife set it up and they got the hot.

[A]

Rocks. Oh, that's just pretty.

[B]

Cool. So. And it's, it's in also. It's in the Valley. So we're talking, we're going back and forth about massage parlors. And I was telling him that I got a real good massage, but I'm with a bad massage for the masseuse. It was. I randomly found a massage powder somewhere, but I got there when they were eating. So lunch time, it was like one. So they're like eating on the floor because I guess all the. They only have mattresses there, so they were eating on the floor. You know, like there was like a little slumber party in the afternoon. Yeah, they were just tearing it up, bro. Like there was a bowl of fried chicken. They were eating it in a bowl of soup. They were eating good. So that lady goes. And then I heard, like, I just know that she said fat.

[A]

Ass. Cuz I understood her fat ass after all that.

[B]

Fake. Yeah, cuz then she went like this, right? Over and over, over and over, looking at you. Yeah. So the last words were fat ass. And then she said, the girl, one of the girls said they went back and forth, speaking Chinese, whatever language. It was Asian. And I could tell they were just by physical watching them. They said, nah, nah, nah, I don't want to do it. You do it. Nah, nah, you do it. So finally, like the one that, I guess she's been there the least time, she. She started screaming, bro. And she goes. And we're walking away and I look back at the lady that speaks English. It's cool, man, you know, she has to. She wants to eat. I come back later, she screams over again. It's okay, she'll do it now. She'll do it now. So. So then, so I'm walking back and I know that you don't speak no English, but I'm still saying, hey, I'm sorry, man, I didn't know you were eating, man. I mean, if you want to go get your soup, man, and I'll pay for the hour and you can spend 20 minutes eating it and then massage me, you know, if you want, I'll try to be all cool, but she was just mad dogging me, bro, like this like. So we go to the massage and I knew, man, she put up so much. She was let, you know, she get on the she you get, they get on that pole and they walk on you, man. She left her shoes on.

[A]

Bro. She hates you. She's here with Timberlands and sliding across your.

[B]

Back. Row. She had me in the Boston.

[A]

Crab. Oh, shut the up. She figured four leg locked and laid on his.

[B]

Ass. She had me like this with my head back like that. And I was like this. I'm sorry, could I eat your suit, man? I couldn't even tap out. Like, she could have really, like, broke my neck and my back at the same time. But she didn't, man. But what. I don't know what she did. I paid her extra, you know, because she did extra, and I felt taller.

[A]

Afterwards. She decompressed your spine.

[B]

Man. I don't know what she was doing, bro. But first I was like, she having a regular Boston Crab. And then I think she was standing on my back while I was like this. And then she stretched me.

[A]

Out. She was all Jesus on the.

[B]

Cross. And then she cracked my. This part. She cracked a lot of parts of my body that. That they were crackable. Like, she put my ears back. Like, isn't that a behave. You know, when it.

[A]

Goes. Yeah, she went the first time.

[B]

It happened, and then she went like this. And then she gave me a face massage, but I felt like she was punching me because I don't know what the hell she was doing. But it was really red.

[A]

Afterwards. This whole time, she's like, he don't speak when I'm speaking. I'm just gonna beat the out of this guy. He's big enough to take.

[B]

It. When I walked out of there, man, there was some dude waiting. There was some guy waiting. And I said, man, don't ever come here, bro. At 120.

[A]

Dog. They hate.

[B]

You. They hate.

[A]

You. Also, your Chinese accent sounds like buster. Like Busta Rhymes, dude. This one made up a Chinese language on us. I liked it. I can understand that just as much as I can understand.

[B]

That. I always wonder, like, what. How do Asian people do our voices? Because I know that black people, whenever they do a Mexican, it's always Scarface, no matter what. Sounds like Scarface. You're not.

[A]

Wrong. Actually, black people only do Scarface. Yeah. What do Asians sound like making fun of Mexicans? We need more Asian, like, foreign Asian homies to be like, yo, what do you guys. Maybe I feel like some Asians sound like Canadians or Mexicans when they.

[B]

Talk, when they say a. A.

[A]

Lot. When Mexicans sound like.

[B]

Canadians. Yeah, we do. They thought I was when I was over there. Hey.

[A]

Mate. Oh, they did? Ah, okay. Well, you say when you're in Canada? Yeah, I never been to Canada.

[B]

Man. You'll do well there, though. I love.

[A]

You. Yeah, I think so. The weed. The weed, they don't do anything. But what, like around in the.

[C]

Snow and it's clean, chill. You're. You've been to Toronto? Downtown.

[A]

Toronto? Never been.

[B]

Anywhere. Toronto, beautiful. I love Toronto, man. They have good.

[A]

Food.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah. What's the food in Canada besides.

[B]

Poutine? Oh, man. What? It depends. Like. Like, just like in la. Well, in New York you're going to have good Italian food, right? But over there in Toronto, there's a lot of Indian.

[A]

People. Oh, Indian.

[B]

Food. So they have.

[A]

A. And you're.

[B]

Vegan? Yeah. So Russell Peters from there. Bomb. Russell Peters from Brampton. Brampton, which is near Toronto. And they have a thing that I love over there now, like, no one else has it. It's called doubles. Yeah, it, bro. It cost three, two.

[A]

Bucks. What is.

[B]

It? It's just like a. Like a. Like an Indian tortilla. Like a regular tortilla with chick. Chickpeas, and they wrap it like a burrito and. And then chutney and that's it. Bomb. But the tortilla.

[A]

Soft. It's like that. Non.

[B]

Tortilla. Yeah.

[A]

Man. Yeah. I it that.

[B]

Heavily? Because I remember when Russell Peters, bodyguard and best friend, pick. Rest in peace. He bought it. He goes, I should get four. I should get four. He's Jamaican. I should get four. Nah, bro, get more. And I fooled like 20 of them. And I thought they were gonna sit there for the next day, bro, they were gone in an.

[A]

Hour. Killed them. I want to try that.

[B]

Now. Doubles. They're called doubles. They're doubles or dobos. Doubles. D u like a double. Double singles, Triple.

[A]

Doubles. I never heard of this. You ever heard of.

[B]

It? No, because.

[A]

You'Re. You're buying. What's the closest city of Canada, even Toronto?

[B]

Toronto?

[C]

Yeah. Ontario.

[A]

Niagara. Yeah. I don't know. Yo, you're from la. What's the best Mexican. No, no, tell me. A couple Mexican spots. Because I have been put this way. I've been going to places and like, when I leave, I look at the cook like, you're a. You wouldn't eat this at home. Why the. You give me this. Can't season beans out here.

[B]

Why? Oh, man. Good.

[A]

Luck. Why, though? Like, why My grandma could do that with 40 people running.

[B]

Around. I think that will happen. That all the best beans you're gonna have are the ones you know you have at.

[A]

Home. I mean, I do make better.

[B]

Reasons. Because nobody. Because even if I make cat canned beans, it's gonna be better than the beans out there. Because when I make the canned beans. Forget about it.

[A]

Bro. Forget about it. See that? That outfit's rubbing.

[B]

Off. Forget about it. Forget about it, bro. I put the. I put the beans and I. And I put the. I put like butter olive oil, and I put some jalapeno juice right there. What the. Yeah, jalapeno juice. Gotta have jalapeno juice. Then I throw in the beans and then I mashed it all up. Then I throw in more jalapenos and some.

[C]

Butter. How long you been.

[A]

Vegan? I'd be my pants right.

[B]

Now. 2011 oh.

[A]

11. I stopped being vegan last year. Started.

[B]

Doing. Started being vegan.

[A]

Stopped. Oh, I was eating since.

[B]

2016. No way. And then I just eat.

[A]

Crops. Eating.

[B]

Crops. That was deep fried lemon. I got to be.

[A]

Honest. That was the best one that anyone's ever said to me. Cuz usually they go for.

[B]

Real. For.

[A]

Real. And that's not funny. What are you eating?

[B]

Crops. Crops.

[A]

Bro. I like that. No, I eat like. Remember we went to your party? You the what? All the food you had, though. That's a. I eat though. And that's why I stay fat as this boy had like fake teriyaki chicken, fake orange chicken, fake day. I'm like, looks bomb, but I'm gonna double in size eating that. And I.

[B]

Do. I had fake vegan. I had vegan walnut shrimp at the party. It said exactly like the real one of shrimp. It said that that shrimp was not real.

[A]

Shrimp. Yeah, we.

[B]

Know. Like.

[A]

Rubber. I like that. You explain vegan shrimp is not.

[B]

Real. Tastes like rubber.

[A]

Yeah. No, it's just.

[B]

Weird. It was good.

[A]

Man. It's weird. What's up, Spotify? Taking a moment from this episode to talk about one of our favorite sponsors and our newest sponsor. This is Puffco. This Puffco right here is for dabbing. You put your hash in here and you get wrecked. This is the Puffco Peak Pro. This is a 3D XL chamber. Always remember, you can turn your Excel Chamber onto extreme. Just get the app. It's the beginning of the year, guys. If you've been thinking about grabbing a Puffco, now's the time. Start your year off right. And remember, we. We are Puffco sponsored. We have been doing a lot of giveaways. Shout out to our winner from the last two episodes that won the Puffco Peak Pro. The pivot, the case, everything. The Whole setup. They really do work. They really work. Awesome. This is the top of the line Erig. This is the baller ass.

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[B]

Face.

[A]

Yeah. Knows my face. This is not the first person to do this to me. There is a comedian named Enrique Chacon in Texas that looks so much fucking like me that in some pictures, I go, which picture is this? And I go, that's not me. Oh, my God. I got seen on stage. Like, that's not me. We look so much.

[B]

Alike. Yeah. He has bigger.

[A]

Hips. He has bigger hips. I promise you, dude, Shorter. I walk into this fool's house and he goes, yo, you flew all the way out.

[B]

Here. I'm like. I was like.

[A]

Wow. I was like, wow, you really came. I'm like, yeah, are you hot? We're walking in the kitchen. Goes, how's Texas? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know about Texas. Then he looks at me, goes, that kill Tony. Shit's good. I'm like, are you.

[B]

High? Yola's so cool. He played.

[A]

Along. Oh, dude. I was like, he must just be.

[B]

High. He's so.

[A]

Nice. Yeah. I was like, I'll let it.

[B]

Go. And then conquer came up to me.

[A]

Thomas. And this was like, oh, my.

[B]

God. The whole night I was pushing the whole night in my bed at night, I was punching this kayak.

[A]

Up. It.

[C]

Was. How long did I go on.

[A]

For? Like three.

[B]

Minutes.

[A]

Yeah. No, but it was funny because he introduced me to somebody. He goes, oh, they're in Texas. I'm like, why do you think I live in Texas? No lie. Three or four people have FaceTimed that guy with FaceTime with that guy to show me. Like, I thought this was you. I'm at the comedy.

[B]

Spot. Oh, T's dad.

[A]

No. Even I had a picture. I showed Rose. She goes, what picture is that? Go. Not me. So anyway, we all up more than the.

[C]

Legato. Seven.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

Oh. Times.

[A]

50. Oh, it's kind of.

[B]

Shocking. A golden ticket winner kill.

[A]

Tony. Yeah, it's kind of shocking, Marty. I FaceTimed him a few times and it's. It's.

[B]

Funny. Anyway. Hot. Your new studio. This is your new.

[A]

Studio. No, I'm saying your new studio to your house. So what's up, fool? That's where you're filming it from now we.

[B]

Film. What's up? Full history for fools. And do you even.

[A]

Binge? Do you been just one. Your.

[B]

Wife?

[A]

Yeah. So you're a fan. You're a movie person. Yeah, I think we talked about this. I. I like to consider myself. I'm like the cable guy, but it's not a creep, not a weirdo. But like, I grew up on tv and that's how I live. And that's how I. Mom was a drug addict, so, you know, I just kind of like sat in front of the tv. That was like my.

[B]

Babysitter. Right. What was her favorite.

[A]

Drugs? My mom smoked a lot of meth when I was a.

[B]

Kid. Oh, so.

[A]

Sad. Yeah, not no more, but she's good now. My dad smoked a lot of crank when I was a kid, so that's a little different than the meth, you know.

[B]

Meth. Meth is bad, man. I remember being coked out at a party, real coked out, and I saw somebody smoking meth. I told my wife, man, it's cold, man. They're doing drugs.

[A]

Here. Because you were like, yo, this.

[B]

Is not the baby shower I want to be.

[A]

In. Oh, that's cool. I like baby showers. I turn into that. CPS is outside, so nobody's got to watch the kids after. It's.

[B]

Good. So your mom smoke.

[A]

Meth? Oh, that's when I was a.

[B]

Kid. So you. So you, you would go to those birthday parties where we didn't go no birthday or parties where people. There were no pinata, but somebody would jump. Get jumped into a gang in the.

[A]

Yard. I like that. Instead of beat up in pinata. We're just talking about. My dad tried to be a gangster at like 25. And my dad's real nice, and it just didn't.

[B]

Work. Why? Because he was a late.

[A]

Bloomer. Yeah, but he's like me. He's real nice. It doesn't make like he's wearing all red with a smile on his face. It doesn't really work. He's got a nortanial little buzz cut with a slick. It would have worked.

[B]

Bro. We would have caught it. Shout out to who's. Who's that nice fool there? Mr. Rogers, bro, get the out of here.

[A]

Yeah. Why is he twacked.

[B]

Out? Hold on, homie. Hold on, man. How's the neighborhood, Mr. Roger? Good. It's a pretty good day in the neighborhood.

[A]

OG that's the. He would say a hundred percent, dude. Oh, dude, no. My dad had a room where you're allowed to tag on the walls everywhere. I told you. And there's some fun times, man. Looking back and.

[B]

Like. Is that still.

[A]

Alive? Yeah, my dad's still.

[B]

Alive. How old is.

[A]

He? My dad is.

[B]

55. Oh.

[A]

55. Yeah. And that's 55. He's all right.

[B]

Though. You have other.

[A]

Brothers? Me, yeah. I got a lot. It was just me and my sister till I was 15. And then this guy.

[B]

Came. Well, your.

[A]

Brother. That's my little brother.

[B]

Yeah. I would have never.

[A]

Guessed. Yeah, Difference would look. Look really different, man. Man, he's kind of.

[B]

Fat. He looks Jewish.

[A]

Bro. We are Jewish.

[B]

Bro. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. My mom, my whole side. My dad's a Mexican.

[B]

Outside. What's your mom last.

[A]

Name? My mom's last name. Well, I mean maiden was Walden.

[B]

And Gola at Walden.

[A]

Bookstores. Walden Bookstores. Yeah. My whole family's white as and Jewish. Very Jewish. But we're the brown side. Rocco. Got a little mix of it. Got a little mix. Doesn't he look like he a photographer from.

[B]

Vietnam? Well, he literally just got out. Got about to get thrown into Auschwitz. With those stripes, He looked like he was a stunt double. And Marty supreme.

[A]

Bro. With those stripes and glasses, it looks like you're an.

[B]

Accountant. He's an accountant for Meyer.

[A]

Lansky. Damn, dude, that was a good one. Jewish Buddy.

[B]

Holly. Hell yeah.

[A]

Bro. I got lost on that.

[B]

One. Oh, you said Buddy Holly. I thought you said Richie.

[A]

Ballads. You heard what you wanted to hear on.

[B]

That. You'll be your Richie Ballads, bro. Yes, he's.

[A]

Buddy. That's what I.

[B]

Said. I'm the Big.

[A]

Bopper. Hey, Richie Valence. I just want to throw it out there. He was not skinny like Lou Diamond.

[B]

Phillips. He looked like he was not Filipino either. What's that? Also, he wasn't.

[A]

Filipino. No, he was Mexican. Yeah, people thought he was.

[B]

Filipino. Filipino, is.

[A]

He. Yeah, I can see it. Mexicans and Filipinos look so identical. It's crazy. One just looks a little tight, more tired. That's the.

[B]

Filipino? No, actually one smiles bigger when they don't know what the you're saying. Like. Like a paisa. You don't know what you're saying. He'll do it like.

[A]

This. Hey, great. You.

[B]

See? You see his gold Filipinos, they don't know what you're saying. They look like.

[A]

This. You know, the difference is one can sing real good. Karaoke bar. Is he Mexican or Filipino? Like, that fool's.

[B]

Filipino. Also, man. There's also a fight between who makes a better woman, a male Filipino man or a Filipino or a Mexican.

[A]

Man. I would say Filipinos, Asians. For some reason, it was like, yeah, I'll be a chick. Like, you just do.

[B]

It. Also, man. Like, Mexicans also, man. Like, we have it easier because we have a very strong family structure. Like, we're loved like our family. There's a lot of love in our family. So it's kind of easier to come out of the closet, you know? Like, it's sad for white people. You know why people gotta hide it, bro? Because maybe their dad is too conservative, you know, and it's hard for them to come up because they're that very conservative, so they gotta wait for him to die, you.

[A]

Know?

[B]

Yeah. Not like Mexicans, man. Latinos, Cubans will come out of the closet overnight. Like, one day. We're just chilling, talking, man, about UFC and breaking backs and how much we love.

[A]

Podcasting. This was coming out on this episode is what's happening how much we love doing our new tour and our special. And I just love Starbucks. I'm gay for real.

[B]

Bro. How did it start, bro? It started off slow, bro. First, I say, okay, I don't mind if the. The guy's a dude, but he.

[A]

Has boobs, and then just slowly transition. I'm guys, man. I'm dudes. I started out with ugly girls. It just wasn't enough for.

[C]

Me. That's gonna be a great clip right.

[B]

There. I started off slow, bro. First I started doing. Going out to do karaoke by.

[A]

Myself. Oh, that's when you know. That's when you know. Yo, the funniest, my uncle's, like, flamboyantly, like, my uncle's, like, gay dude. And I went to a gay bar with him and my wife and his husband, and they went to dance or whatever. I was at the bar. My phone died within, like, four.

[B]

Minutes. He was sitting. He was.

[A]

Sitting.

[B]

No. In prison.

[A]

No. They were all dancing at the nightclub. And I'm sitting there, like, I'll.

[B]

Just be on my.

[A]

Phone. You guys.

[B]

Dance. I thought he put it inside his A and started Calling himself I'm.

[A]

Vibrating. That was last week's episode with the gerbils. No, dude, but I remember, like, oh, my phone died. I pretended to be on my phone for 45 minutes because I'm like, I look like a young guy at the bar by myself. And I was like, just keep scrolling. Pretend nobody. And the guy asked me, sure you don't want to drink? I'm like, no, I'm good, man. And I just fake scroll for 40 minutes till they were done. And then our car got towed. All my weed in it. What a dumb night. Anyway, that was my.

[B]

Gig. That was your uncle hooking.

[A]

Up? No, he's.

[B]

Married. Oh, so you say it was.

[A]

Gay? He's gay.

[B]

As. But he's married to a guy. Oh, to a guy.

[A]

Okay. What other option was there? Dude, there was no other option for him to be.

[B]

Gay. I thought he was one of gay guys from the 1950s that had to hide.

[A]

It. Had to hide it weird. Until they come out of the closet in their 80s. Those guys are cool, man. Those guys are always put together. They work.

[B]

Out. You know.

[A]

What? I need a lot of more gay qualities. I need to be on time, tidy, in shape. Besides, like, putting dick in me, I need all the gay qualities this.

[B]

Year. Well, your hair's on point, so that's a gay thing. Your eyebrows, your.

[A]

Fingernails. Yeah, like, you don't. You're not. You don't have in your underwear. You're gay as dog.

[B]

Dude. Your arms are big. You know.

[A]

The. Does that have to do with.

[B]

Anything? They're big from your top upper body that you can help another man carry a.

[A]

Couch. That's true. That's true. I can. With another guy on it. Real gay. I'll pick up a couch with two dudes on it. That's what I want to do. That's the new movie my whole family.

[B]

Does.

[A]

Moving. That's a good.

[B]

Ad. You ever been a party like that, though, where everyone's having.

[A]

Sex?

[B]

No. And then you look over and there's two dudes having stayed. You guys look at each other, you're having fun. Me.

[A]

Too. This was coming out of closet, dude. I promise that's what this episode.

[B]

Is. No, but I'm with. I'm with. You're with a.

[A]

Girl. Yo, hold on. Ready? I was at a strip club two nights ago, and this was talking about wild shit. You, sir, have traveled a lot. What is the wildest thing you've seen at a strip club? Not like, wildest night. What's the wildest one? The moment you want. Are you joking? I have one too, so I really want to hear what you.

[B]

Have. I was at a after hours party after a comedy show in Houston, Texas, in a place called Holmes Road. It's a undervalued part of town of Houston. Holmes Road. And. And there's no zoning laws in Houston, Texas, so you can open up a. A barbecue spot in your house and start barbecue out of your house. So there's no zoning laws. So I went to a after hour party with. With these guys, and I was the only one there that was not African American or Asian or. Or. Yeah. Or not wearing.

[A]

Shants. What's that.

[B]

Mean? That's those pants that look like shorts. They go barely go over your.

[A]

Calf. Oh, yeah, the John.

[B]

Cenas. Yeah. Sh.

[A]

It. Okay. I rock those. I rock.

[B]

Those. So they were. They were rock. Like, if you were Latino, you were rocking those. If you were Asian at that party, you were rocking, though. So I was the only other that was not rocking that, that.

[A]

That. And you stand out. Look at this.

[B]

Tall. I stood out, bro. There was little gangster Asians there, bro. Like.

[A]

Hardcore. The scariest.

[B]

Ones. And they were like. There were thugs, bro. Like, you wanna, you wanna. You could tell these, these like. Like, if there's gangsters in, in Houston that are Asian, these three there were part of the elite, like the.

[A]

Top. The Asians that don't.

[B]

Smile. So they were right there, man. They were in a good time. And they. They saw me, bud. And. But what I. None of that, none of that nefarious activity threw me off. You know what threw me off was when I looked over to the side without already. When I was already trying to bite my ear off, you know, because it was so good. I looked over at that and my. My friend tapped me the shoulder and he was eating this big ball full of gravy in his mouth going, man, because that guy didn't do drugs or didn't do.

[A]

Alcohol. Your homie eating gravy out of his hands, not on.

[B]

Drugs. Theo Taylor, right? He had a big ball of like a little one of those little plates that holds two taco flauta with avocado. But he's holding ball there, bro, like a ball full of rice full of gravy. And he's eating it and like, and. And I'm yacked out, bro. I'm like. I'm like Scarface, bro. About to kill my best friend for being my sister, right? That's how. That's how I look. And then. And food was the last thing on my Mind. And I looked over and right above the. Where they were playing pool, there was a old black lady dude and her, her husband and probably a sister. They were making southern food, real southern food. And he was holding a thing called bodan balls. Exactly. Budang balls. Which is the big rice ball full of meat inside of it, full of meat and spices and it's dipped in.

[A]

Gravy. Sounds.

[B]

Bomb. Yeah, man, but not when you're. You're all.

[A]

Part. When you're doing drugs. Nope, I just want more.

[B]

Drugs. Yeah, man. There was other stuff that could have threw me off, bro. Like the woman, like the. There was a woman there who, the bartender who looked like if Titty Feeny haddish and Halle Berry had a baby. And she was wearing no bra and she was wearing a tank top and she had cornrows, bro. She had a gun. She said, what do you want? She looked at me like, what do you want? How could I help you? And then like I said, it'd be funny, right? Because she was holding a pistol. I said, oh man, you. You have a gun, you tell me what I want. Anyway, she did. That was.

[A]

Funny. No, I would have laughed at that. No sense of humor.

[B]

Ass. So yeah, man, I thought that was weird, man. There were like. After all that crazy stuff going on, there was a, a lady starting good ass food at 3 in the morning. We ended up. My friend ended up leaving the party, but I stood there. They left because the guy that took us to that party, he ran into another guy and he was funny, man. He said, yo, check out my cousin over there. Full AIDS like a. Trying to every in.

[A]

Here. Oh, yo, I asked for a crazy strip club story. I got a, A buffet story.

[B]

With AIDS at the end so that. So those fools left as soon as that guy said that. And Mia just didn't drink off his.

[A]

Beer. We just didn't.

[B]

Him. Yeah, we just didn't Henry. It felt bro, like I was at a. I felt like I was in that movie with Salma Hayek. Dust till.

[A]

Dawn. That's what you're describing this as. Dust till.

[B]

Dawn. Except the vampires were not Mexican. They were African.

[A]

American. None of them were vampires at.

[B]

All. What?

[A]

What? This had aids. Yo, your description. I bet you you describe a movie and be like, that's not Forrest Gumpdog. Why are you in space right now? That was the craziest. Yeah, my story is not that I went to Sam's. I walked into this like 400 pound black stripper chick was shaking her ass eating a burrito like A full size burrito. That's the funniest I ever seen in my life. That's the only crazy thing I.

[B]

Have at the Chip Club. Dude, where did you get the.

[A]

Burrito? They sell food there over la. No, Sam's Hof, bro. Or Sam's hof. Oh, oh.

[B]

Bro. Oh, Sam's the.

[A]

The. Yes, yes. By the corner. The corner next to the freeway, dude. The lady was eating wings. Dancing, Eating wings. I always just wanted to.

[B]

Leave. I always feel bad for like strippers like that. That got to be a strip bars like that where there's food, you know, like half bra. That sound half bro. Because, man, you're like, you're. You're like eat. You're like eating bro. And you're eating nachos, looking at titties weird. And then there's this chick with like, usually the saddest stripper there with no ass, no boobs, tattoo on the shoulder. Would you like a dance is two for one and you feel bad. You give her five bucks. You go, here's five bucks, man, could you go in that chicken and go check out my chicken.

[A]

Tenders?

[B]

Waitress. You turn to a waitress, go tell Poncho. Cuz I do know Latino working. They go tell Poncho, you know, they are. Where are my chicken.

[A]

Tenderos? She's a white girl he's talking to. She doesn't speak.

[B]

Spanish. She don't speak Spanish. I want her to speak to him in a way that he understands. Hey, where are the Smile big. Where are the chicken.

[A]

Tenderitos?

[B]

Smile. I feel bad. Like, like, you know, man, like especially like when a strip bar has good food, man. Like I've never been there. But they got lobster tails, right? And you're like. Then the stripper walks up. Would you like a lap dance? Listen, man, I'm eating lobster tail right now. I don't want to go to that dark room with you and smell lobster tail or mouth and the hotel and thinking, is it a lobster tail or is it. Or is it this chick right here who ran away from.

[A]

Oakland? That's that. All right. Yeah, you're not.

[B]

Wrong.

[A]

Okay? This just on Oakland. All of.

[B]

Oakland. No, but just feel like I.

[A]

Get it, I get.

[B]

It. Just sad, you know?

[A]

Like. No, it is.

[B]

Sad. Otherwise. That's why I'm glad that a lot of these ladies could have only fans now and make real money without have to have having to deal with me. A guy like me who just went in there for dollar.

[A]

Wings. Oh, isn't that a weird thing? I come eat and also there's naked girls here working through college. Like, ah, this is weird. Any. I said any place they serve steak should not be a strip club. You shouldn't be give drunk people knives. I don't have naked.

[B]

No. El Paso, Texas, man. Shout out to Jaguars. They used to be a. Right there at midnight.

[A]

Bro. Do they season their.

[B]

Beans? Yes.

[A]

Sir. That's all I'm asking.

[B]

For. I'll go. Every day at midnight, this old lady will show up with an ice chest, dragging it. And I know this, you know, strippers dress up to strip, like. And they have give it up for Ginger. That's not the real name, you know. And they go out there dressed up like a. Like a. Like a. Like a nurse, you know. This. Can you probably open a band Aid probably, you know.

[A]

Yeah. So we're not real.

[B]

Professions. We get that. So the lady that comes at midnight and sells burritos, she's the same. She, she. She had. She asked. She puts on that old grandma outfit, the grandma apron you put on so you wouldn't dirty your dress. So she puts that on, you know, and she puts her money here for change. And then she puts on like a bandana. She's like 50, but I'm pretty sure she's not. She's not that native, you know. But she goes into her ice chest. Ice chest is full of burritos, bro. Bomb Brom. I didn't believe it to the guy told. The guy told us because I was there with Gabriel Glaciers and Paul Rodriguez, Martin Moreno, Ivan. Put everybody on blast. But they were all.

[A]

There. I just put everybody's first and last.

[B]

Name. They were all there, bro. And we were there. Paul Rodriguez, he invited us, kidnapped us. Get in there and get lap dancing from naked women. All.

[A]

Right. And.

[B]

Burritos. So the lady with a chip with the burritos and some guy walked up to us, tapped on the shoulder, man. He better guess them. They're good, bro. But they were like Texas burrito, like.

[A]

Brisket. Different Texas Mexican.

[B]

Foods. Yeah, good brisket. There was one was called gisado and cheese. I never heard of that, but I guess it's red chunk. Red sauce was big chunks of pork with melted cheese. So it was.

[A]

Like.

[B]

Bomb.

[A]

Bomb. I don't know what other word to say when this was just walking.

[B]

Down. How bomb it was, bro. I was getting a lap dance later on with heartburn. And I told that girl, I give her $10 if you go to your first aid and grab me a roll aids. You know how good it.

[A]

Is. I'm getting a lap dance with heartburn. That's.

[B]

Commitment, Bro. I was telling her to press, but I was telling her to press my.

[A]

Chest. You got some soda water, yo? No. No strip clubs. I've eaten the hot dog outside of it before. It's never a good idea. Isn't that anybody that makes hot dogs and sits outside the strip club, they don't care about you. They're like, y', all, this fell on the ground. You're a drunk. Eat it. Pay me.

[B]

More. I know. Like, when they were showing this. This video that went viral, it was a woman. The. The city food inspector was throwing ammonia, alcohol, bleach all over her food, right? Yeah. And they were dumping. They were just throwing all over her food. And all the comments were like, oh, that's messed up. That messed up. And I was gonna comment, too, right? But I'm gonna call my real feelings, so I have to hold back. And I'm glad. I'm glad they didn't put my feelings. My real feelings. Even though, like, nobody would have cared about what I thought, but I would have said, that's what that lady gets, eh? They probably won her ass five times. Take your nasty ass food elsewhere. Yeah, and that's what. That's what I ended up was. There's another video where they had told that lady, and some people were complaining that the lady meat was already too old and people were getting sick. They had warned. They gave her, like, a real warning to stop. Put your food away. And then they give her another one. And finally, they. Finally, they brought in Selena's killer, bro. Oh, she's a wild Yolanda.

[A]

Looking. She's a.

[B]

Wild. Don't want to mess with a. With a Latina lady, bro. With. With little boobs and no ass. With skinny person.

[A]

Legs. Skinny person legs. I know exactly what you're saying. Fat ladies with skinny person legs always is like a. A conundrum to.

[B]

Me. And, yeah, man, they know the. They know the number to noise.

[A]

Ordinance. You know, it's.

[B]

Funny. I know.

[A]

The. The number to trash. I have it written down. I felt like it's such a. When I wrote it down, like, I'm an. Because they keep not getting my trash. I complained like an. Go who to the city. They didn't care. They don't care if you don't. If you don't look like Marty, she don't get done. Marty went and got done this morning in a second that I've been trying to get done. Take me serious. He did it in two seconds. They see the Height. And they're like this white.

[B]

Man'S. Oh, you gotta. You gotta dial three one one report the trash can wait. And they don't do it. Then you call the next day or the same time and you say, man, then they don't do it. Then you get somebody in the same building to do the same complaint about the. The 3311 be done in a week. Me and.

[A]

I. Me and this guy work together. Nope. Bourbon Glendale area is not the same if you're not Armenian. They're like, shut the up.

[B]

Dog. Let me tell you, bro, first, first, all you gotta learn is one word, two words. Lavenes, pesis. I mean, hey, how are you? And the rest you just say a background, bro. Like, you just tell them, like, what's your.

[A]

Complaint? I was saying they keep not take my trash cans before blocking my.

[B]

Driveway. Oh, oh, of trash, trash, trash mother trash mother of.

[A]

Son. Yell BMW a few.

[B]

Times. Of son, I suck your dick, my friend. And.

[A]

Boom. Bro, that is some real foreign right.

[B]

There. You got to say it.

[A]

Backwards. I had a guy say some my ass to me once. I went, oh, the is happening, dude. This is a proposition. What was.

[B]

Mean? My you. My wife gave a woman a ride away right here on Chevy Chase somewhere. And then two other people passed away, man, but they went too fast. And then our media lady passed by my wife afterwards. Oh, she.

[A]

Say, you.

[B]

Mother. You let everyone.

[C]

Pass.

[A]

Pass. You know what's funny? That it's getting to the point where Mexicans are like foreign Armenian. Isn't that crazy as hell? Like taking our driving jobs and everything up and scamming. It's really funny, dude. Like, I've gotten to a lot of altercations, and every time they come out, Armenians dress like Mexicans. They dress like Mexicans on Sunday for.

[B]

Church. They.

[A]

Do. I promise, every time I go up to an Armenian, I think he's a Mexican, he's.

[B]

Armenian. We have similar life dressing styles. Like Armenians, for sure. Like our Mexicans, you know, Armenians, the older ones, they like to open up their, like their chest hairs all the way like this with a small gold chain and show other chains. And Latinos, the older ones, we like to open up the bottom.

[A]

Four. You're not wrong. My grandpa does.

[B]

That. The bottom four, bro. To show up our badass bout. And our badass gold chain, our badass build. Our badass is what state to send us if you deport us.

[A]

Chihuahua. Damn, my grandpa don't wear that. He just wears the regular ones. But he does unbutton my dad.

[B]

Too. My dad dresses, bro. Like, like they were going to. They were like they were trying to run out of cotton back then.

[A]

Bro. He's got little scrappies on us.

[B]

Bro. My dad would wear like a, a, a, A tank top and then he would wear a white T shirt over it and then his dress shirt and then a sweater and a jacket over.

[A]

It. Real Mexican, dude. You did too, when you were a kid. You wore the undershirt.

[B]

Bro. I was, I was. They used to wrap me up like a tamale, bro. When I was a little kid. Exactly. I, I don't know. I fall asleep like this for no reason. So they used to wrap me like.

[A]

This. I fall asleep like this for no reason. Get out of here, dude. It's been a long.

[B]

Time. They used to wrap me that thing with a blanket. Put one blanket here, another one. I used to fall asleep like the Matrix.

[C]

Sick. Look like Run DMC with the.

[A]

People. Dropped a hard ass lyric. That's how I.

[B]

Sleep. Like, I just. I was born son of Pedro, brother of Tomas. Felipe is my name. Yolo. My compa? S Garcia, not Medina. I live in East LA, not in West Covina. I came down in 72. My brother, my father in a big inner tube. You know, I supp to be brown Holmes. So don't frown, Holmes just because I'm the color of the brown.

[A]

Holmes. There's no way that was off the top of his head that.

[B]

Working.

[A]

Well, His electricity went up. Yo, out of.

[B]

Here. Yeah. Shout out to. Shout out to Kid.

[A]

Mc. Oh, switch. That MC mouthpiece is in the, in the ash where the mouthpiece just so you'll put the mouthpiece in the ash and.

[B]

You. Oh, it's a blunt. Yeah. All right, let me get one more of those.

[C]

Tubes. And that was some of the.

[A]

Those. Some of the first bars ever rappers we had on the show one has ever spit a rhyme. And look at this guy. He's over here half.

[B]

Asleep. What you want to.

[A]

Do? That was.

[B]

Great.

[A]

Not. That was the only one.

[C]

Empty. God.

[A]

Damn. That's the only one that's empty. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's talk about actual things real quick. Your podcast, I see you still fucking crushing it. You have your. I just met your little. What's your homies name, the smaller community, Martin Rizzo. Martin. Thank you. I just, I can't remember where I just saw him. Maybe the way out.

[B]

Loud.

[A]

Maybe. I don't know. I just saw him recently, but I remember meeting him through you and when you guys had your first studio. Yeah, so now you have your new spot. How's everything.

[B]

Going? Great. We have a brand new studio where we do the. My wife and I have a pocket called do you even binge? And it's about the movies.

[A]

Movies.

[B]

Yeah. We do the Christmas movies and all our movies. Then we have the history for foods. My favorite podcast, me and Bush Escobar, we talk about the history, we read. Put it this way, man. You ever done a book report where you only read the preface every time and you read Cliff Notes and you read. You watch the movie instead every time? This is what this podcast is.

[A]

About. We don't really do our.

[B]

Work. We don't recommend you study or take notes. But a lot of the stuff we say is actually, actually facts. Like we do a podcast. One of my favorite podcast is the history of. Can't even think of the history. Radium Girls. Radium Girls. And I love that podcast. I learned a lot about. About, you know, when you have a watch, you have a watch. Right now my watch is very modern. It's a fit. It's a Samsung digital watch. But in 1901, before 1901, everyone just had like a. One of the watches in a chain. Pocket watch. Pocket watches. So when they came out with wristwatches, everybody had a wristwatch. So this company came out with a watch that you can see at night. When you look at night, you can see the numbers. So they needed somebody to draw the numbers on the. On the dial. So they hired all these women who were with tiny hands and they were called Radium Girls in the lawsuit later on because the stuff that they were using to draw the. The ink was all radiation. So you watch the Simpsons when you. That's them. They will put. They would dip the paint and then draw the numbers on the watch. And they will. And they will use their mouth to point the thing, not knowing that in five years that they're actually walking around with nuclear radiation and their mouth is going to rot. So we did a whole special on that and how they try to sue. And there was a big, big campaign, a Kashmir campaign, saying that they were just whores. And they got that blowing people and blowing carnival freaks, whatever. But it was like the same kind of smear campaign that they used to try to make Venezuela look bad. Like, oh, man, they're eating.

[A]

Cats. Oh, and the geese and.

[B]

Shit. Yeah, whatever they were doing or they're. Whatever, man. But there was a smear campaign similar to that. Like wild. Like they eat cats. But. But it was for this. They were like horse, whatever. But they actually. They were just working there a lot. A lot of them died. But anyway, that's. That's one. That's one of.

[A]

Those. This fool got all.

[B]

Sad. History for.

[A]

Fool. Favorite podcast. These women just got killed at the end of it. Yo, I saw some about the Salem witch trials. Did you know most of those. Those girls that got killed were just landowners and they were trying to snatch their land from.

[B]

Them. So.

[A]

There. She's a witch and they would take their.

[B]

Land. Yeah, bro, I. Look, I. I do about a bit about that. I say that I learned that the women in Salem were not witches, man. They were.

[A]

Side. Oh, she's a wish.

[B]

Kill. This is anything she's got to say. We're not around when they were building.

[A]

America. No, they.

[B]

Weren'T. My wife could read.

[A]

Which. Oh, I like that. Where they up at, huh? Marty, you're a white man. Where'd they start letting women go?

[B]

1930. Those baffled women, bro. Not to 1870 something. Some guy named. I don't know his first name, but his last name is Packard. He said, nah, man, we couldn't. We can't burn women no more. Let's put him in an insane asylum. Put him in the same asylum. And then the guy, Dr. Freud came up with a word for it called hysterical is when they're like getting.

[A]

Hysterical.

[B]

Yeah. So we're gonna lock them.

[A]

Up.

[B]

So. Yeah, man. So that guy Packard, you were the first white man to look at a woman straight in the eye and go, you're.

[A]

Crazy. Actually, you live here.

[B]

Now. The more you.

[A]

Know, we need one of those. Every time someone drops a fact, a little rainbow shoots across or a little gay guy runs.

[B]

By.

[A]

Now. Damn it.

[B]

Marty. So my other podcast called History, it's called a what's up Full podcast and it's doing great right now. Our last podcast, we had Dunos and we had George.

[A]

Perez. Nice. Dude was a fool, man. Funny ass fool.

[B]

Yo. Sorry. That's what I was gonna take you for. Him.

[A]

Too? No, never. Him and Ken got mistaken for each other a.

[B]

Lot. Yeah, a lot do. The real Mexican, man, because he looks like that big old. That big old rock they found, you know, in Mexico, that native rock. You ever seen it? It's like one big rock they found in a jungle. And it's a big native of. Of the. Whoever was leader of that land. And it looks like do knows.

[A]

She'S got a big wide ass face. Imagine it looks like the Temple of Doom from Nickelodeon. So what I was gonna say.

[B]

Earlier, they're pushing a soccer ball.

[A]

What? Oh, I thought you meant this.

[B]

Fool. No, he.

[A]

Said the movies. So you're. You guys break down movies and you binge it on the.

[B]

Show. We watched. We go through the like my wife Lisa and I like, we're binging the Terminator movies. We watch all of them and then we talk about.

[A]

It. Oh, so you actually watch it on. You're just breaking down.

[B]

After.

[A]

Nah. So you.

[B]

Watch. All right, so watch previews of the movie on the show and then I talk about.

[A]

It. Got you. So what is your. I've asked. I don't think I asked you last time. If you're into movies like this, what's your favorite three.

[B]

Movies?

[A]

Comedies. That's art.

[B]

Comedies. They change every year. Huh? Because so many good comments come out.

[A]

There. I never heard nobody say that my.

[B]

Life. Because you might growing up, you might have liked, you know, this movie, but now then another movie pops out, but then a newer movie comes out and you die, grandma's boy. I will put it out there because it's classic. It's hilarious, bro. When he. When he grabs that tray out of the oven with a banana, hot.

[A]

As. There's a whole banana in the peel on the. In the tray. It's the dumbest I've ever seen in my.

[B]

Life. I've done at that dude, for.

[A]

Sure. We've all. I've grabbed a dab nail after I heated it.

[B]

Up. Oh, you're an idiot.

[A]

Man. Stupid like burnt. I saw my homie get the nail and he was. Pay attention and he did that. Touched the nail to his face, singed his whole. Yeah, stupid happens when you want to do drugs. Look at Richard.

[B]

Pryor. He caught on.

[A]

Fire. Dabbers. Hey, man, we get up sometimes. It's not. It's not sad scars. It's burn marks. Yeah, yeah, okay. Other movie doesn't have to be of comedy.

[B]

Though. There's so many matters. A.

[A]

Lot. All.

[B]

Right. I like. I like.

[A]

Punk. I change it to most binge worthy movies.

[B]

Too. Oh, movie I can watch over and.

[A]

Over. We changed it to that recently. It's.

[B]

Hard. I like. I like a movie that nobody's ever seen and we bombed. But since I'm a big fan of the author, I always watch a movie.

[A]

Factotum. Never heard of.

[B]

It. With Matt Dillon. It's a movie based on one of Charles Bukowski's book. Charles Bukowski. I found out about him because somebody told me I should read. So I said. So I said, I'll read. But it could be somebody that is from Los Angeles and writes about Los Angeles. I'm not going to read about some schmo who fucking moved to la and now he's writing about Los Angeles. Or some fool that grew up in New York and became famous in New York. I'm not going to read about William Shakespeare or those people. I want to read somebody who's reading from la. So then I found Charles Bukowski and he grew up in la, bro. He grew up in Glendale. He grew up all over this area. So a lot of his books are. They're historical books if you want to learn about Los Angeles. But they're all like. They're not real books. It's about. He had a character in a book called Henry Chenaski. And, and. And he always plays a writer in the book, an alcoholic writer, like a struggling writer. So you could. I like it also because it shows a struggle between an artist and. He's a big time alcoholic, bro. And a lot of his lines are quoted without knowing that they come from him. You know, like one of his quotes are, not all the women in the world are whores. Just.

[A]

Mine. Never heard that. But what a up.

[B]

Things. And he has one. He goes. And he goes. He goes, if you ever lived your life without losing your mind, what a horrible way to.

[A]

Live. This fool's just insane. The guy's just.

[B]

Crazy. And so one of my favorite quotes, a bah is a bit. This one. He goes, if you're going to try, go all the way. This could mean losing wives. This could mean jail. This could mean hunger. It could mean lonely nights at the park. It could mean derision. It could mean isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of how hard you'll try, how hard you really want this. And you will.

[A]

Succeed. That's a Nike ad.

[B]

Dude. Yeah, it is.

[A]

Huh? It doesn't matter about women. You might sleep in the park. Just do.

[B]

It. So.

[A]

This. Yeah, that's.

[B]

Crazy. So that's one movie I could watch over and over and.

[A]

Also. Never heard of.

[B]

It. Also. Things to do in Denver when you're dead. You love.

[A]

It. Let's watch the Other Day.

[B]

Again. You know that movie, of.

[A]

Course. With Andy Garcia. Yeah, we got Christopher Lloyd in that.

[B]

Too. What a good.

[A]

Movie. Piece of Christopher Walken. What an. What an. He didn't have to do him like.

[B]

That. Hey, remember when that, when. When they, when that. When, when he's. He's giving money to his homeboy to. To leave the black.

[A]

Guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, the big.

[B]

Dude. And he goes, jimmy, remember that time when we were little Kids and we used to look forward for summer vacation. And then summer vacation will come. Then it was just over. It'll be over. Or laugh or just leave. Life has a way of passing you by faster than any solo vacation. Yeah, that movie came out during 911. That's why it.

[A]

Disappeared. Really? Because I saw. When I was like.

[B]

14.

[A]

Yeah. I never heard of this. There's big stars in this. Like, there's a. There's a good.

[B]

Cast. So good cast. Trent something. Tyranny.

[A]

Terrain. Yeah, I'm not sure, but that's a good movie. The whole buckwheat. I think about it often. Go, that's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. Oh, you guys get in the movie. There's like buckwheat. Did you shoot a guy up his ass? You blast him and he's like. It takes about 20 minutes. You don't exactly die, but contort. Contort. Until you pass away. Yeah, it's a good movie.

[B]

Man. Boat.

[A]

Drinks. Boat drinks. I always thought, like, why are they doing that? Oh, jail. I always wondered, like, why you guys touch. I'm not gonna talk to my friend. Hey, what's up, bro? Odd as hell, right? Damn, that's a good ass.

[B]

Movie. Hey, man, I would want it. Like, that movie is so good. Like, because it ends, you know, it ends with those. Those Mexican cartel guys killing him. I always thought, man, that'd be good. They would have just shown more of.

[A]

That. Yeah, yeah. Or their story picking up. It almost feels like those folks are the dudes from.

[B]

Desperado.

[A]

The. The three little mariachi fools that come. You know what I'm talking about? Wait, you haven't seen it? You seen Desperado? Yeah, El Mariachi, the one before. Yeah, I just redid them all again recently. It's the same movie. And they bring Danny Trejo back alive. And nobody questions.

[B]

That.

[A]

Nobody. Nobody said a word. Dude's.

[B]

Dead. It was.

[A]

Cousin. He's too cool.

[B]

Man. No, he's too.

[A]

Cool. He couldn't kill off that character like that.

[B]

Man. That movie, long right thing to do. And then when you're dead, it's probably two.

[A]

Hours. Yeah, I mean, it's a good.

[B]

Movie. There's another movie probably you haven't never.

[A]

Seen. I've seen them all.

[B]

Man. Romeo's.

[A]

Bleeding. Never mind. Take it all back.

[B]

In. There was Gary.

[A]

Oldman. Gary almost great. But Romeo's Bleeding. I don't know what that.

[B]

Is. Yeah, it's not. It's a. It's a movie with, I think that is the. Is the director of that movie and producer named Abel Ferreira. I'm not sure if it is or.

[A]

Not. Romeo's.

[B]

Bleeding.

[A]

Yeah. Never heard of.

[C]

It. Abel Ferreira did not direct a film titled Romeo's.

[B]

Bleeding. Okay, Peter, medic. Peter, medic. All right. Oh, no, it's a good.

[A]

Movie. I watched the old. I like a lot of old weird, too. I think, like, up. I just. For the first time, we just.

[B]

Watched. There it is, bro. That one movie. It came out during 9 11.

[A]

Too. Look at that picture. Look at that picture. Dude, stop. That's the worst picture ever. Just insert a dick right there. This is a bad ad. Romeo's bleeding. He looks like he's screaming at the top of his.

[B]

Lungs.

[A]

Sarah. Gary Oldman. This is the guy that's gonna be in Fifth Element right after this.

[B]

Movie. There's a good theater in that movie, bro. They had just. Spoiler.

[A]

Alert. Spoiler alert. She came out 32 years ago. It's.

[B]

Okay. It's a good movie.

[A]

Though. Yo, you ever like the one where Gary Oman plays a white pimp with dreads in True Romance? Remember that? It ain't White Boy Day. He's the whitest man alive. It's not White Boy.

[B]

Day. Oh.

[A]

You.

[B]

You. You. You. You don't want to. You just. Mr. Majestic over.

[A]

Here. Oh, and he throws it back to her. Oh, you want some rice or. Where's he.

[B]

Eating? Ch.

[A]

Ch. He basically got his dick out in front of.

[B]

Him. Want some.

[A]

Chow? Yo, Gary Oldman plays a thug. Dude, for an Englishman to talk like that, That f. Crushed his dude. God, I love Gary.

[B]

Oldman. That's a badass scene. I love that movie. I bought those. I brought the screenplay to read it. Oh, yeah, And I didn't know that Quentin Tarantino had wrote a screenplay, and I didn't know that. So when I read the screenplay, and then I realized you start reading that. More of Quentin Tarantino's writing in the screenplay that the director took.

[A]

Out. Oh.

[B]

Really? He took out big chunks of it because there was a lot of. A lot of meaningless dialogue in that one scene. What you were just doing where he. When Christian Slater says, I'm not eating because I'm not staying. No, I'm not. I'm not drinking. I'm not sitting, because I'm.

[A]

Not. I'm not staying. He said, I'm just here to get Alabama.

[B]

Stuff. I'm not eating because I'm not staying. He goes, I'm not. He goes, I'm not watching a movie because I already see it seen it is the Mac with Pam Grier and Richard Pryor. Cut right there. That's the movie but on the screenplay. Christmas Tree. Start reading. Telling you who's the.

[A]

Cinematographer? Oh, that's not as.

[B]

Well. Who's the light director? You know our.

[A]

Movie. Oh, he's a movie fucking.

[B]

Nerd. Stuff that a director would like to tell another director. But as a movie viewer, you don't want to hear about that, bro. I don't give the most people don't give.

[A]

A. At all. It's a good movie too.

[B]

God. What's your favorite scene in that movie.

[A]

Though? Okay. True romance, I think when Alabama finally kills Tony Soprano's.

[B]

Ass. That's my favorite scene.

[A]

Bro. My favorite.

[B]

Scene. That whole speech he gives.

[A]

Her. Oh, man, give me. Give me.

[B]

One. Give me one.

[A]

Baby. Oh, he's such a creep in that.

[B]

Movie. Well, give me one that love.

[A]

You. She really gets his ass, though. That was a real scene like in realistic like, damn, you let her kill you. She killed you. Good movie. That's right. Here in Hollywood, I pass a safari in all the time go, oh, true.

[B]

Romance. I like when. When he. When he finally finds the money and he beats the out of her and he goes, you know, honey, the first one, you. The first person you kill, you feel.

[A]

Bad. I threw up after.

[B]

Mine. You believe it, you feel bad. Know the second one, it feel just as bad the first, but not as bad. But the third and fourth, finally I just do it now to. To see the expression of their face.

[A]

Change. Yeah, that's before Sopranos, man. That's. That's probably what got him the roll Sopranos. That was a dirty. In that movie also. Most people don't talk about. In that movie, Brad Pitt is just a throwaway.

[B]

Character. Yeah. And he's good.

[A]

Though. He's great, dude. He's just a throwaway high guy on the couch.

[B]

Man. Especially the way he nails that scene where when James Gundofini goes, hey, I might. It goes. It goes, you want some of this? No, but I might be back. Save me some. And then he grabbed the ball. He goes, don't.

[A]

Condensate. Yeah, yeah, you like movies too. That's exactly what he says. He smokes out of a honey.

[B]

Bottle. He was also good, man, in that one little row and Domino Louise.

[A]

Rapid. Oh, yeah, he has a little gun. That's how he got famous, though. That's what once go, oh my God, it's over. You're for. You're forever famous, dude. That's what I'm saying. Man, we need to get some gay guy features in this year and be like, I'm just gonna get ripped. I get Mario Lopez rolls. Be sick. I'll try this.

[B]

One. What is.

[A]

That? This one has ice hash and live resin, but it's banana flavored res. It tastes, you'll see, it's pretty.

[C]

Cool. Do you with hash and.

[B]

Rosin?

[C]

Yeah. That type of.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, dude, I'm like a drug addict over here. The only thing that gets me genuinely high is ice hash. Like, I'll take a dab and get a little. Ten seconds later, I'm fine. But I'm sorry, I'm. I'm still searching for the 14 year old high. Wake up on my homie's couch. The happened. I'm looking for that without doing heroin. I'm looking for.

[B]

That. Later on 10 years find out somebody gonna cut that scene and go, I'm looking for a 14 year old. And then cut, not put the last I.

[A]

Have. There's this thing I was trying to work on. I was thinking like, yo, it's all about what, how you say it, right? So like, yo, I'll tell you this. The other day I was in a room, right? I was touching my dick and some kid walked in and he pulled his pants down and touched his dick. It was weird, but in all reality, I went to a public bathroom, I started taking a piss, some guy walked in, he took a piss. But it's all about how you say it. Because I could say it the other way. This is both true. They're both true, but one just sounds.

[B]

Crazy. Say it again. I missed.

[A]

It. People still talking.

[B]

About. You said.

[A]

That. I said it's all about how you say it. Like, yo, the other day, realistically, I walk into a room in public and pulled my pants down, touched my dick, and some underage kid walked in next to me, pulled his pants down, touched his dick. But in all reality, all it did was go use the urinal and this other guy did. I'm saying, like, there's a lot of ways to say.

[B]

It. Yeah, I wouldn't say that.

[A]

Because. Yeah, I know, I'm not gonna say.

[B]

It. You can't say you're throwing out riddles and you're trying to get people to figure.

[A]

Out. No, that's not the way you say. I'm just saying it's all about how you say. You can say that. Like when people go to the bathroom, I always say, oh, you're gonna touch your dick real quick. Like, yeah, like technically. Yeah, that's what you're gonna go do. I think it's funny. Go touch your dick and come back and hang out with us, dude. Cuz that's what taking a piss is, right? Realistically. And go touch your dick and come back. It's funnier to me to say that out loud to somebody. Oh, gonna touch your dick, come.

[C]

Back. Especially to a.

[A]

Girl. Shut the.

[B]

Up. Oh my.

[A]

God. All right, hold on. What's your last.

[B]

Movie? Your parents, they taught you how to.

[A]

Pee? Yo, I knew the weed you smoked 18.

[C]

Seconds. Because I realized I never taught my son how to pee. You didn't know how to aim? Because I never told.

[A]

Him. Stop, stop. You just. I did never taught my son how to pee. It's a nat. He just does.

[C]

It. No, listen, when they're little kids, they crawl up like a little monkey out of the toilet and they just.

[B]

Pee. Yeah. They don't.

[C]

Know. Never had the talk with bro, you got to grab a hold of it and aim.

[B]

It. I'm trying to.

[A]

Remember. My dad pisses.

[B]

For. Oh, my dad will hold mine for. For me. I remember.

[A]

Now. See, that's some that it's all about how you say.

[B]

It. My dad will hold, hold it and go like this. When you pee, you hold it like this. But I remember my dad will hold it. But then I, I. Instead of holding my penis, I would hold his fingers. That was little. I didn't.

[A]

Know. It's like 14 is not little, dude. That's, that's, that's a different. That's. You should be on it by that, man. I was already smoking drugs at 14. Could you imagine what was it like the, the car seat In California? Under 15, certain.

[B]

Weight. We never had.

[A]

Cars. No, that's what's happening next year. If you're under 15 years old in a certain way, you have to be in a car seat. Can you imagine being in the 10th grade getting out of a car seat? That'd be so disheartening, dude. Well, as Marty said, you're over there trying to getting out of a car seat like, damn, that sucks, dude. That's the ultimate like.

[B]

Dog. Shut the up. Make fun of.

[A]

Me. You were in a car seat this morning. That's it. That's it. Like you can't talk that.

[B]

That. I'm not gonna do a lot of fat shaming for kids. Exactly, bro. They're going to be a kid at your size right now. That's five. I've seen them and they're going to go, there's. Sir, your. Your son needs a Seat belt. Kamaloofa is 10 years old. He's a big guy. Speak Samoan.

[C]

Dad.

[B]

Freestyler. What.

[A]

The. This little free. It's the outfit.

[B]

Dude. It's the.

[A]

Outfit. E fool came in ready to do the windows.

[B]

See? I'll call you. Awful.

[A]

Damn. We should have brought OG's ass over here. Dog face. Dog face. Come in here. Comes here. Starts popping a.

[C]

Lot. Did.

[B]

You?

[C]

Yeah. Did you have a breakdance era or not so.

[B]

Much.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, you.

[B]

Did. But I was not good, bro. I. They would. They would look at me and go. Go look for a cardboard for us. All.

[A]

Right. That's what your job was. I found it. All right. Stay back while we.

[B]

Did. Here's 10 bucks, bro. Go go buy us white gloves. So I'll go shop left them and keep it.

[A]

Simple. Yeah, of course. What the. If you're a child white.

[B]

Gloves. Because you need white gloves, bro. To pop like so.

[A]

Ridiculous. It's.

[B]

So. Yeah, it comes from the. That comes from Michael Jackson, I guess. But also it really comes from Mickey Mouse when people were black face. Yeah. What's it called when people black.

[A]

Face?

[B]

Racism. No, no. The era racist American. Which is why Mickey Mouse has white gloves.

[A]

Too. I didn't think about that. That's kind of.

[B]

Insane. I can't even. I don't know what it's called, but it's. It's another word for black.

[A]

Face. Black.

[C]

Facings. Mickey Moss is like, there's a white.

[A]

Mouse. Can you look it up? And black look up the word. What do you think it.

[B]

Is? Oh, it's called. It's called the minstrel act. It's the old minstrel act. It was because when having a period. Everyone minstrel is M I n s T R e r. Everybody was. Every comedian, even if you're white, even black people, they will black face and go perform on stage. And actually white comedian will put on.

[A]

Blackface. You know.

[B]

What? And so they would put on white face. They were put on their gloves. White gloves. So when they do the show on far away they could see their hands move. So which is that became part of the minstrel act. So. And I think that's why the white gloves in Mickey Mouse also. And pop Locking history for fools.

[A]

Yes. That's what just happened. You guys see what just happened right now? History for fools. Also the blackface. I think the next set I might look.

[B]

Sleepy. My brain's awake.

[A]

Homie. Just delayed. It's just.

[B]

Uncommercial. I'm an hour.

[A]

Ahead. It's just. It's just live Television ahead. Yo, that was a.

[B]

Breakdown. Yeah.

[A]

Man. Did you just make that.

[B]

Up? No, I learned I. I went in a rabbit hole once because I thought I noted cuz I saw a cartoon that didn't have the gloves. Then I. Then I learned. I went on Tik Tok to look for it where I learned everything. And then somebody got a whole three minutes on just the white.

[A]

Gloves. There's some guy in Arkansas made a fake video about fake history. Fooled Philippe B. Cuz you, you know, there's.

[B]

Kids. I've been fooled, bro. Let me tell you, bro. I've been fooled by. By fake movie.

[A]

Trailers. Oh, yeah. Don't they piss you.

[B]

Off? Oh my God. I got pissed off by watching this Predator. They were in World War II.

[A]

Homie. Oh, Predator in World War II. That's not.

[B]

Fair. Oh my God. Land. It was. It was a. It was a Japanese soldier, an American soldier. They were about to kill each other and a predator shows up. And those two guys get together to try to kill that.

[A]

Predator. All I heard was a black guy showed up and these two other people were like, let's kill.

[B]

It. That sounds better, bro. Put.

[A]

In. That sounds better.

[B]

Bro. Put it. Wesley.

[A]

Snipes. Wesley Sniper. That's what we're gonna call him. And he's the shooter of the.

[B]

Movie. Also, I got food one time by watching a movie trailer. James Bond with Idris.

[A]

Salva. I would watch the at and.

[B]

I really thought it was real. My wife and I really fell for it then it was.

[A]

Not. The one I fell for was the new Home Alone. You saw that where they were all growing up doing another Home Alone. That pissed me off. It's not real. I showed people.

[C]

That. Are you referring to his bet that he just posted with the John.

[A]

Candy? No, no, no.

[B]

No. This.

[A]

Is. This is like somebody made a fake trailer. It looked real. I. I sent it to people.

[B]

Excited. A Jack Candy.

[A]

Shot. Was that Jack? No, John.

[C]

Candy. They're helping. Helping white.

[B]

Women. That was cool.

[A]

Man. Oh, that was cool, man. Oh, that clip I posted, that was.

[B]

Tight. She was tight, bro. 70,000 views in two.

[A]

Days. Let's go. Yo, question.

[B]

Answer. Maybe.

[A]

Later. Okay. What's the worst time you've ever had on stage? Not like, oh, these are not landing. Like I thought, like the work. Like. Like I should just leave now. I know you had that feeling at least.

[B]

Once. I still get them, bro. Especially like in places where I haven't really built an audience there. Like if the. I do well in towns where the town starts with S A N or E L. If your town start with S A N, add another show before I get.

[A]

There. If you're. If your town average height is.

[B]

Five, eight, add another show. Make sure you get a lot of Modelos. Add another show. Open the barber shop, close it early the day of the show. But then I go places, bro. Where? Where the town ends with land and it's tough like.

[A]

Cleveland. Anywhere. Where there's dual income.

[B]

Homes. Anywhere, man. Where people say Caddy corner and cul de sac, I don't do.

[A]

Well. Caddy.

[C]

Corner.

[B]

Adjacent.

[A]

Adjacent. I like.

[B]

That. Anywhere people stay. If there's a comic talking about his basement, I'm done.

[A]

Bro. Oh, but you have an extra.

[B]

Room. What the. Our basement. You mean you gotta live in the ground.

[A]

First? I was in the basement, which blew my mind. I will say. That was.

[B]

Crazy. I was in Cleveland, bro. And we all. We. We got super, super annihilated and we went to go see the Christmas stories house. The Cleveland. In.

[A]

Cleveland. Oh, it's in. I didn't know.

[B]

That. Yeah, bro. The exact house where they shot the movie is in Cleveland. And the inside too.

[A]

Everything. Oh.

[B]

Really? So we got to hold the BB gun in front of the Christmas.

[A]

Tree. Was the backyard the same.

[B]

Too? Everything in the backyard? Oh, that's, that's all the targets were.

[A]

There. Oh, did anybody live there? It's just like a. Like a. Like a.

[B]

Historical. I don't know, bro. But after I. People started getting annoyed by me in the in line. By the hundredth time I yelled out. You shoot your eye out.

[A]

Kid. You just sit there yelling.

[B]

It.

[A]

Yeah. Overlooking everybody. Just hair everywhere. Yeah, I can see that.

[B]

Man. The. The. You know, in the movie there's neighbors that have dogs. The dogs. Their house is there too. And there's a sign where their.

[A]

Name. The.

[B]

Dogs. Yes. Across the street. All the target in their backyard. All the targets are.

[A]

There. Oh, that's.

[B]

Cool. The living room. The same. The kitchen where they ate. The bedroom. The bathroom where he says ot. Then across the street, there's a museum. And the museum has pictures of behind the scenes of the.

[A]

Movie. And yeah, that town's running off.

[B]

That. The costume, bro. The bunny costume. His dad's car is parked.

[A]

Outside.

[B]

Lamp. Oh, the leg lamb is right in front of the.

[A]

House.

[B]

Wow. And then right next to the museum is a little store. You could buy the little leg. You could buy a puzzle of the house. You could buy the drinks. And there was. There was people there from the Christmas story movie signing autographs. What the. I was starstruck, bro. Starstruck you know who was there? That lady that from Christmas Story. The one is your turn, kid. Yeah, the lady was that red thing. She was there, bro. 20 bucks you took a picture with her and she'll put on that red thing and tell you, kid, isn't.

[A]

That so insane that I'm. How exciting that is? I don't know why I love movies so. That's so. That sounds so fun like. That sounds like the most fun.

[B]

Day. I know, man. There's not even a. I try to think a Latino movie where you could do something fun like that. No, they're all horror movies.

[A]

Bro.

[B]

None. Hey, y' all want to stand outside where Selena got murdered in the parking spot? You want to see? You want to stand outside where Richie Valentin's plane crashed? You're right. We got piece of the engine for.

[A]

Sale. This is where his body was on fire. All for dating a white woman in the.

[B]

50S. You want to go to the American me set, sir? Take a picture. Okay. Sir, start eating that.

[A]

Rice. This is where you pull the knife out and shove it up his ass. This is the rice barrels that they bent him over. What the. That movie, man. There are no positive Mexican movies.

[B]

Huh? Well, not. Not positive enough to have someone visited, like. Well, I mean.

[A]

Any. Can you think of.

[C]

Any? Like a.

[B]

Landmark? There's none.

[A]

Dude. There's not. That don't have to do with.

[B]

Gangs or violence or a.

[A]

Message. Think about it. There are none. Now that you say it. I can't think of one.

[B]

Single. I know one, but we're talking like 1990 something. That's independent.

[A]

Movie. What's it.

[B]

Called? Hanging with the Homies with John Leguizamo. They're all Italians and they're all hanging out like buddies in New York, and they're all doing their.

[A]

Thing. But that's not Mexican. They're.

[B]

Italians. No, they're. They're Puerto.

[A]

Ricans. Okay. I guess you can consider.

[B]

It. Selena.

[A]

Bro. No, she's from Texas. She's.

[B]

Mexican.

[A]

Okay. She's exactly what we're talking.

[B]

About. Positive. Let's.

[A]

See. I can't think of.

[B]

One. Oh, my movie, bro. I'm not like that no.

[A]

More. Okay. All.

[B]

Right. But it's about a guy who lives with his mom in his late 30s, and his brother comes out of the closet. And in the movie, I hook up with a white chick with big.

[A]

Boobs. So all you do is describe regular Mexican life right now? Yeah, everybody has a gay something in their family, and they all end up hooking up with a white.

[B]

Chick. At one point, one of them.

[A]

Does. One of them for.

[B]

Sure. The one that.

[A]

Graduates. Yeah, the one that has a degree for.

[B]

Sure. How you get? Why, bro? Really, bro, I graduated, you didn't. So you're gonna meet Shake from the.

[A]

Hood. I can spell. That's really what is. I know how to spell.

[B]

Yo. I.

[A]

Got. I got, bro. I got fools that went to school with me that we were in the same class. Can't spell. I'm like, yo, but dog, we went to the same school. What.

[B]

Happened? What.

[A]

Happened? You have better grades than I do. That always blew my mind. Like hood. They really don't give a. I grew up with a lot of hood assholes that do not.

[B]

Care. I didn't graduate high school, bro. And I know how to read better than a lot of people I know around me who graduated high.

[A]

School. That's what I'm saying. Like it never.

[B]

Really. I'm not bragging, by the way, but I could read. I could read, bro. I could name 10.

[A]

Books. You read more than I have. I've only read two books.

[B]

Now. Life ever. Name one book you read in high school to remember or junior high. Elementary.

[A]

School. Rumble Fish. Great, great.

[B]

One. And I read that.

[A]

Too. Death.

[B]

Watch. Never heard of.

[A]

It. Sick ass book. I read it.

[B]

Voluntarily. Elementary school. Where the wild things are. That's you though, Danny the dinosaur. Me and my. Me and my friend the.

[A]

Monster. Also like gang names.

[B]

Monster. Oh, my favorite book, bro. Me and my friend the monster. It was. It was just a little kid with a.

[A]

Purple. It's just a knockoff. Barney and wait. Me and my friend. That was me. I was a little kid. My dad was just on drugs and I was hanging out with him in a truck. Me and my friend the.

[C]

Monster. Me and my.

[A]

Dad. My dad.

[C]

Huh? Me and my dad the.

[B]

Gangster. I'm in a good ass book, bro. Yo, dude, today I heard the door open for my.

[A]

Father. The whole. What the. That was random as.

[B]

Hell. Oh, in high school, junior high. Read this book. My favorite author was Richard Wright. He wrote a book called Native Son and Black.

[A]

Boy. That's different though, that I had to read.

[B]

That. You have to read that one.

[A]

Too. Well, I mean, I never read the books you have to read. I would just read the back and then my way through the report. Never once did I.

[B]

Fail. I will read the whole book, but not do the book.

[A]

Report. I'm the.

[B]

Opposite. And I would just talk about it.

[A]

Instead. And they would give you the grade. No, I didn't graduate high school. I just said dog I did all the work. I just didn't do the work. You read the whole book and didn't catch the grade. That's insane. That's like mowing the lawn. But yeah, my brother mow the lawn. Somebody else mowed the lawn, not me. You gotta get credit for.

[B]

Sometime.

[A]

Gotta. This feel like, yeah, high school. Maybe I should go back. Yo, I was thinking about going back to college. I have one credit left and just filming it. How fun would it be to have to online college though that but sneakily and pay somebody to do.

[B]

It. That'd be.

[A]

Fun. Like a Billy Madison opposite. I don't have to actually go. I just cheat my way through. Oh, I'm down, I'm down. I'm old enough where I'm like, I don't care about morals of school. And I'm not gonna use the degree though. So maybe not. Never.

[C]

Mind. Nobody ever asked about the degree though. Let's.

[B]

Use. Imagine being rich enough to not just hire the person to do the book report, but hire the author of the book to do the book report. And actually do they get an A? You'd be like, what the fuck? You don't even know what.

[A]

The. There's a shelf, there's a show exposing.

[B]

Teachers. Did you.

[A]

No. I mean, you are in school, obviously. You bullshitted your way through.

[B]

School. No, I didn't graduate high school.

[A]

Man. I know, but you bullshitted your way enough to fucking be there or else they would have kicked you.

[B]

Out. I was in a swimming team.

[A]

Bro. That's not what I'm talking.

[B]

About. They needed me there. Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yo, I had what they call it when you were in school or when you had one. When you have one class, all your classes, they call them.

[A]

Periods. Yeah.

[B]

Periods. Seven periods. Why? I. Seven periods. Same. I would go. I had. I had a class in the morning at 6 and it was just for swimming my swimming class. Then I have my first period, second period, third period, whatever. But then after six period, go right back, I will do my swimming again. So I had.

[A]

Seven. Yes, we had that for any sport you're in. But are you fastest swimming? You gonna swim for.

[B]

Real? No, bro, I was just there for points. I never, I never was like, I was in a relays, but I was never like the guy that was in charge of winning a.

[A]

Race. In charge of winning. It's a team.

[B]

Sport. Yeah. When you're. You're in a team, but only one guy is gonna go that at the.

[A]

End. Yeah, for sure. I get that. I was never that.

[B]

Guy. We're all gonna jump in the water and go. Us.

[A]

Too. Why not? It. I'll be doing.

[B]

The. But I got my.

[A]

Letter. The whole.

[B]

Crowd. I think I got my. My.

[A]

Letter. Oh, the.

[B]

Little. I never got my big R for Roosevelt High.

[A]

School. You feel.

[B]

Awesome. And he's like, you know, you say you feel like going back to college for that one credit. I feel like making the jacket the. The actual high school football jacket with my R. And then in the back having a full swimming. And you put city champs. Because I never got.

[A]

It. That's secrets right.

[B]

Here. I feel like doing something that I already accomplished, not trying to get a credit that they're not gonna actually do.

[A]

It. I know, but in the end, I will have a.

[B]

Degree. But I think maybe a degree with a high school.

[A]

Degree. No college. No, sir. I'm talking about college. I'm only, like, one credit away from getting my.

[B]

Degree. What kind of degree? Bachelor or.

[A]

Master'S?

[B]

Bachelor's. In.

[A]

What? In business. It's the only. You know what I went to school for? To say that I'm in school while I sold weed. That's all I went to school.

[B]

For. To be like, hey, I sold. I'm.

[A]

Here. I'm getting a degree because I want family to be disappointed. And then I went, you guys are all on drugs. Anyway. Who the am I trying to impress? I just didn't want to be the only one that was like, you didn't finish school.

[B]

Man. That's how I feel sometimes. I feel like. Like when I watch a movie about college or I'm gonna. I'm in town next to a college, and I walk around the college. I should just go back trying to get a degree.

[A]

Here.

[B]

It. Why.

[A]

Not? For six.

[B]

Months. I don't even know what Child development.

[A]

Nah, yo, you can get it in the arts. Some.

[B]

Degree.

[A]

That's. That was me with it. What do you want to do?

[B]

Business. Creative.

[A]

Writing. Yeah, I know, but what are you gonna use that degree for? Because you just do that right.

[B]

Now. Yeah, but I don't know how to write a lot of run. Run on.

[A]

Sentences. Yeah, that's what you.

[B]

Do. Yeah. So I guess it was a good grammar class. You could be a better.

[A]

Writer. Just add a period in there every time. You're like, period or.

[B]

Com. But now, I mean, we asked our. Our colleague over here, third. The. The eye in the sky over here, the man behind the curtain. You could write a. If. If I was to write a whole book, you know, and not ignore the grammar and ignore the run on.

[A]

Sentences. They have editor.

[B]

After. And then. And I just give it to AI. What they would they edit it like a real publisher or you got to go to actual publisher to edit.

[A]

It? Of.

[C]

Course. Yeah, it's gonna be.

[B]

Perfect. Yeah. Because a publisher was watching this movie and nothing. I was watching a wire, but not this movie. So editor will tell you because I know. I never. I.

[A]

Didn'T. I.

[B]

Never. I never. I never seen a fucking newsroom before. But he goes, don't say he. He killed. He killed himself. You know, we're not. We're not trying to scare people. That article. So he'll just say that he took himself out. Whatever. Right. So does AI do.

[A]

That? Yeah. Make this song.

[B]

Abrasive. They made the decision not to be abrasive on their.

[A]

Own. You want.

[B]

To. You have to tell it to tell.

[C]

It. You got to talk to it like you're talking to an.

[A]

Editor. You should just work with the.

[C]

Editor. Like it's like an.

[A]

Employee. It needs more of this dude. But. Hey, dog, switch that.

[B]

Up. Have you tried the one where I don't like AI? Have you tried the one where I like him? You tell that the app to write you a country song and you tell them about yourself and then they go write the whole song. I did.

[A]

That. Is it weird? Is that the rap you just.

[B]

Spit? No, it was a cheesier song than that. Okay. I said write a song about you and your brother coming from Caloa, Mexico, and your brother got deported and your other brother successful and you're a comedian. So then I wrote names. I know I wrote my real name. So then I wrote the.

[A]

Song. It's weird.

[B]

Huh? Three bros on the road from Scene.

[A]

Aloha. That's weird, dude. It's like how it's like little Marty 20 years ago. But hey, dog, you're gone. Give me your laptop. Going to use your laptop. It's like, no, I want to sit with a person if I'm going to do some right? Be weird. Like, hey, this joke. Spice it up like a. That's weird.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Weird. I don't like it, dude. I think it's a. It's like cheating for.

[B]

Me. It is.

[A]

Cheating. It's.

[C]

Cheating. There's going to be a whole wave of stand up comics slinging AI.

[A]

Jokes. Yeah, I never thought about.

[B]

That. I would imagine when we're on History for Fools, we wrote. We told the AI to write jokes about history of Hawaii. Captain Cook. We mentioned little tidbits about Hawaiian stuff of that era. Then it came back to with jokes like this Captain Cookwell, by the way, he was murdered by the Hawaiians. Right. And when they were eating people when they were eating their food, somehow his body slipped into their regular food and they were eating. Eaten by my steak. And that's how they say they were cannibalism. But they were. But Hawaiian. Hawaiians never ate each other. So. So we threw that in there. Right? We wrote. We threw in to AI cannibalism. Okay, Right. So one of the joke was Captain Cook was known for his voyage to.

[A]

Dismembered. Okay, I get.

[B]

It. That was a joke. One of the.

[A]

Jokes. That was the joke. It spit for.

[B]

You.

[A]

Yeah. Weak ass.

[B]

AI. Weak as.

[A]

AI. Weakest. That was not what I expected AI to spit out. They could do scripts now, you know, that does full scripts with dialogue out of here. I was talking to somebody and.

[B]

I won't say it's really. It gets like the tone of the person.

[A]

Though. Well, check this out. I was talking to somebody and their friend works on a. I will say, like one of the cop shows, you know, like mystery shows.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. And they said the last season they've used AI for 80 of their.

[B]

Ideas. Shut.

[A]

Up. Yep. I'm like, for real? He goes, this is my best homie. He's like, you told me it's this. It's the same. No one's asking me twice. I'm just using AI at this point to come up with premises for the next.

[B]

Episode. Has AI like that. What are. There's another cop show similar to that. What that AI they're using hack the other AI's idea, maybe. Has that.

[A]

Happened? I don't know. But I don't like to write shit in my phone. I feel like people could see it. I'm like, I like your book. You can't copy that. Can't take it. My hair writings. Dog shit. It looks like this. So I would be able to read.

[B]

It. So blind. Mine has with your.

[A]

Jokes. Yeah, just feel it, fill it.

[B]

Out. I have all my jokes right here actually. Yeah. In the.

[A]

Phone. I just feel like, Dan, someone's got my.

[B]

Icloud. I know, man. I feel like I had all my recordings right here since.

[A]

2020. Oh, voice.

[B]

Notes. Yeah, I do video.

[A]

Now. Voice notes. I feel like I'm sitting waiting for to see my face for.

[C]

It. Are you saying like from when you're on stage or just random throughout the.

[B]

Day? Look at my whole.

[A]

Show. Oh, oh, the show.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

Yeah. The voice doesn't say. I started doing a. A timer. I've never done that I'm so new to this. The last place I played in San Diego, they had guys, if you go one minute over anybody, we're gonna play you off. And that's what they told me. Anxiety. It's like if I get played off, explode music on. Yes. They say if you go one minute over, at one minute, we just start to play you off. He's like, it's a new rule, so just be mindful. So can you give me another box of.

[B]

Joints? AI. Okay, so. So I just showed you my recording, right? Yeah, one hour recording. Is there an app where translate it. I could take that and they could translate it verbatim without up. Because sometimes they misspell words or they don't know my tone of the voice. Because if I go. Because sometimes I go Google this. And they get. They always get it wrong. Do they get to know your voice first, then they translate.

[A]

That? I don't know. I'm not.

[C]

Sure. I think it's possible if you have like a little bit of an accent, I might be able to understand what kind of accent you have. Yeah, I'm.

[B]

Good. Thank you. So. Real water.

[A]

Please. Okay. I got a question. Yes, I know from personal experience, I've done some wild ass and been in some wild ass places to pick up sacks and do stupid. Whenever you're doing something, like on some seedy, like, oh, I'm gonna go find drugs in this place I've never been. And then while you're waiting for the person to come back and you kind of look around like, what the am I doing here? What is the wildest place you've found yourself looking around going, like, why am I here? Like, I've gone to get sacks and alleys of people I've never met. Like, I've done some stupid that deserves to be robbed. I get it. But like, what's the craziest place.

[B]

You'Ve ended up in for weed or other.

[A]

Drugs? Any drug, dude. Weed is. Is not that crazy. Weed is like, usually in an alley, someone's apartment. But like, I've been in some places where, like, where friends are getting drugs and we're like, dude, why the are we. This is a movie. This is where we get taken in the movie or get robbed and stabbed. You know what I'm saying? Like, I've been to some very stupid predicaments to get.

[B]

Drugs. I think Arizona. Yeah, Arizona. After we were. It was after hours and we. We want to get more alcohol. And we were partying with. Luckily with some locals and they know the Whole. They know Tempe, they know Phoenix, Scott, they know the whole area. So we ended up going to Phoenix and we went to a place called the Bootleg. They call it the Bootleg. And they sell alcohol after hours. And the.

[A]

Drugs. Damn. It's not a store. It's.

[B]

A. So we just drove in there, bro. It was like an alley. And there was a lady there, she opened up the. The window there like a drive thru. And you. And we, we bought cases of beer from her at a very high.

[A]

Price. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. And we, they. I guess they bought other drugs from her. And when we got back to the house, the guy told us that that place is not as ghetto as it used to be. And like, and that's funny because, I mean, how ghetto could it be? Then it's then selling bootleg alcohol and narcotics at three in the morning.

[A]

Like a real business.

[B]

Right? How could. He said, no, man, before it was better. He goes, before you could have stuck your arm out inside of it and give the guy the money. And then he would shoot off heroin in your arm. And then you drive away. Then make. Take. Go to the street and then make a left and just take it.

[A]

Out. I gotta be.

[B]

Honest. And I was like, wow, man. That's when I. When he said that and I was. My friend and I were in the house, that's when I realized I started reevaluating my life right there, man. Like, he goes, man, I hope this place doesn't close in two years. What.

[A]

The. Who's your.

[B]

Friend? What.

[A]

The. So you just can't shoot up now. You just buy drugs. Oh, big.

[B]

Change. So we were there.

[A]

Man. Glory hole for drug addicts. Stick your arm in here, I'm going to shoot you up with.

[B]

Some. I remember, think they had. We. We were partying and, and they, they, they were like providing everything, bro. Like, I didn't pay for.

[A]

Anything. They try.

[B]

To. I felt bad. I felt bad. And then this guy's girlfriend or wife came down and went like this and looked at my friend, the one who invited me and you. I got to go back home. I got to be with my lady real quick. Then I said that. I remember, man, when I was partying in San Francisco, some guy gave me a bunch of pills and I had a big fat Viagra or sialysis. And I said, here, man, Caesar, this one's on me. And I give him the dialysis. And this fool, keep in mind, bro, he was already partying. He was already like, pretty much just like me partying. But now I gave Him a Viagra. He goes upstairs, he comes back 10 minutes later, she comes down, 20 minutes later, bro. And bro starts cooking her ass off. Like she started making some delicious ass.

[A]

Food. Y', all your transitions on this are abrasive. I feel like I went, flash, flash. She cooked a lot. Did you give your friend Viagra? And he banged this girl. She goes, I'm gonna cook food for you.

[B]

Guys. That's how good it.

[A]

Was. It's just the way you said it. I'm like.

[B]

Dog. That's how good it was. That. That's how good it was, bro, that he. He gave it to her so good. Was that Viagra I gave her every time I'm hungry that he was so good. Like. Like, if that fool would have said, mija, cha, mija, we want pancakes, she would have went into the woods and grab a beehive, bro. And grab that honey to make that pancake syrup, bro. That's how good of a dick he gave her. I can't believe you brought that back with that. That's how good of a dick this guy gave her, brother. She came. She. She went from this to coming down, man. Hey, man, everybody want to eat? Everybody hungry. Hey, she makes some bomb ass white people tacos.

[A]

Bro. Oh, flour.

[B]

Tortillas. No, bro, corn tortillas. That's not hard.

[A]

Shell. Oh, yeah, you're completely right. I take it back. That is a white person thing. The El Dorado pack or whatever. The first time I saw it, like, pre made taco shells blew my mind. I thought, taco Bell makes.

[B]

Time. No, she made her own.

[A]

Shells. Oh, she put them in the oven upside.

[B]

Down. Yeah.

[A]

Badass. That shit's crazy. You put them in the rack upside down, and they cook. Okay, Mar, you went.

[B]

Gravity. Yeah, man. So I left after that. After be. Before she made the food. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, you're on drugs. Who wants to.

[B]

Eat? Yeah. Who wants to eat? So we were done. But. But that was a bad situation. I remember, man, thinking about that whole house like three hours later. I'm at a Motel 6 now. Real bad. At Motel 6, man, I had a basketball court, bro. I guess if you can't pay the bill, you get. You got to pay the manager of 21 for the rest of the.

[A]

Money. Like a spaceship, you'll play customers all day chained up to the.

[B]

Thing. Amen. Last week I a hooker and to run and hit a triple.

[A]

Double. And I walked by this place, they shot my arm. They shot me up right in my.

[B]

Arm. Shout out to my homie Martin Moreno, man. Martin Moreno. I was. I couldn't sleep, you know, because the whole chaos of the whole night. And that fool came to my room, bro, with two 32 ounce Coke cups full of hot ass menudo inside of.

[A]

Them.

[B]

Random. Yeah.

[A]

Man. Random menu getting served to you in a.

[B]

Cup. Yeah.

[A]

Weird. That's the.

[B]

Crazy. He went to a menudo place to get menudo and they served it. I guess he wanted to go and go, we don't have to go. And that food, put it in a cold cup, eh? So it was a 32 ounce cold cup, man. Full of red menudo. It was so delicious.

[A]

Man. This is 18 years ago. Was so.

[B]

Good. We're dipping our torta in it.

[A]

Bro. Damn, those drugs are gone. You dipped a torta and that's some baller. That's sometimes that's expendable income. Dipping a torta inside of the soup. Sick. That's like some fat kid I would love to aspire to do one day. I love that. That's like some Richie Rich blank check right.

[B]

There.

[A]

What? Having enough money to get a torta, dip it. That's.

[B]

Hard. Hell yeah, man. You gotta go to the places where it's just the shady places.

[C]

Bro. Did you care about weed during your hard drug stretch or.

[B]

Not? Yeah, not as.

[A]

Much. Of course not. We were so. Weed is so irrelevant when you're doing lines. All I want to do is more lines when I'm doing drugs. It's just not good for you. Don't do.

[B]

Drugs. Don't do drugs. I haven't done drugs since.

[A]

2009.

[C]

2009. Good.

[A]

Shot. Mine's 11, 2011, I.

[B]

Think. What were you doing?

[A]

Everything. No, no, I've never done the heroin before. I never done acid for some reason. I do a lot of.

[C]

Shrooms. You got out before.

[A]

Fentanyl? Yeah. Yeah, I'd be.

[B]

Dead. Me too. I'll be dead.

[A]

Too. Be dead. I would have been dead 12 years ago if that was.

[B]

Around. Dude, I don't understand that drug. You could die by touching it. Yeah, but they smoke.

[A]

It. Yeah, I don't get.

[B]

It. Yeah, I don't get.

[A]

Either. I think it's like the, the luck of the draw with the person. Like, oh, my body's built up for it. It's the dumbest drug. I. I don't want to do any drug that takes me away from doing more drugs. Like, I don't want to die from a drug like, dog, I like weed. I can't do weed. I still smoke weed now because I don't sell.

[C]

It. To your customers and it kills them.

[A]

Off.

[B]

Yeah. How do you know that drug was good? You probably take what it.

[A]

Is. You woke up like that must have been good. My kids are gone. That was a week, four days.

[B]

Later. I didn't even.

[A]

See. God no dude, I just, I love drug. The last time I did coke I got a sack from my friend we're doing at my house and it made me tired immediately. Like I was talking about the other day. I think.

[B]

Somebody. Yeah. Walked to get it.

[A]

Huh? No, it was the. He came to my house, I did hella lines and got sleepy and then I caught that weird ass infection in my head for the next week and a half and I might eat columns off. I couldn't stand straight. I had to go to the hospital. I haven't done coke.

[B]

Since. When? When? How many times? How many times? Just try to sober up before.

[A]

That. I never tried to sober up. Like with drugs. Dude, my mom and dad both do drugs. I do drugs because I like them. But I could stop whenever I like. Oh, I got a bag, let's do the bag and I'm done. I don't need, I don't have that. Like oh, let's keep going, let's keep going, let's keep going. I have that for staying awake. Like as a kid I had a bedtime and when, as soon as I didn't. Now I'm insomnia. Now I'm just like, I don't want to go to sleep. Well I smoke some more bowls, it that's the only thing I like. I want to smoke more bowls, I want to take more dabs. That's fun for me. But like coke, like I just don't care. Kill me, that's.

[B]

All. But you haven't done that in.

[A]

A while and yeah, I haven't done.

[B]

That in but 14 years. So. You haven't done it in 14.

[A]

Years? Yeah, it's been a long.

[B]

Time. When you think about the drugs, do you think about. Do you think, do you, do you ever have this thought that if you go back to doing drugs this time you're going to do it.

[A]

Better? Yes. Like your dad that had a kid young, now he has a kid later. That's how I.

[B]

Feel. So that, that's a normal thought that everyone has. You just don't have to. You just don't do it, act on it. Yeah, but that's the thought that everybody has cuz that's the thought that will bring me back to falling down again. Cuz I remember the first time I stopped And I, and I, and I told, I told another crackhead at a narcotics, not an anonymous meeting. I said, yeah, man, I have my pipe that I had for a whole week. And I just threw it away, man, in the backyard. And then he looked at me, he goes, there was still a lot of stuff in there to scrape off. There was still a lot of stuff to answer. And he's not.

[A]

Wrong. He's not.

[B]

Wrong. And then when I. And the whole time I was at meetings, I kept thinking about all that stuff that I had to scrape off. So when I went back to do drugs, man, I was scraping like a dentist. I even bought a scalpel thing, a scalpel thing. And I will get that pirate trying to get that little tartar out. So yeah, man, just don't act upon.

[A]

It. Yeah, because like, okay, if cocaine didn't kill you, I'm fat. I can't mix both. It's either fat or drugs. You can't really do both. Right. I always say I want to get in shape, so I do a backflip and do a rail. But I'm not gonna because I'll die that day just randomly. But if we, if, if it didn't kill you, dude, this would be full of drugs right now. And I would just have a straw right here. But hey. And I'd hit a. Are you joking me? I could probably pick up the building right now if I had an eight ball. Are you kidding? Are you kidding? I'll take all those Mexican fools jobs outside right now. Like, I'll do whatever work right now just so I can do some.

[B]

Lines.

[A]

I. The way I smoke weed, Marty times 10 on cocaine. Oh my God. If I have one gram, I'm a gum. Five of it. I always put it and pack my lip. And then I would hit rails so I couldn't taste anything to like right here. You ever get numb to your chest? And I can't help I'm breath. That's the most fun in the.

[B]

World. I don't know why you do it by.

[A]

Yourself. That's when I realized it was breath bad. You know, the moment I realized it was bad I was doing by myself. And I had under the dollars, big ass rock. And I was shiny. I'm like, let's cut. Let's cut with something. And I pressed it and I heard a hit the ground. And as I'm chest face like this on the ground, looking for anything above the thing, there's a white floor. So I'm sitting there wiping the entire floor. And as my head's behind the toilet and I found it. I have a problem. And I still snorted the whole thing because I was looking for it. But that's when I realized like my face is on the floor of someone's bathroom. And I only went to the bathroom so I could do it by myself. So I'm just sharing with everybody until more people left. That's when I realized I was only 16. But that's when I realized like, damn, dude, I love this. And then when I had it and like he's like, it's a little. It's cut with meth. And I'm like, if coke cut with meth is not cool, that's like a good looking pizza. And you eat, it tastes like it's like a. It's fool's.

[B]

Gold. It.

[A]

Burns. It burns so.

[C]

Bad. Fool's.

[A]

Gold. But yeah, no, that hurts, dude, I don't do drugs no.

[B]

More. So. So everybody, I guess everybody has those thoughts. How about. Because those thoughts later on turn into actions later on you start thinking about, instead of thinking about how I'm gonna do it next time, better this I'm gonna scrape, I'm gonna buy a better. Get a better dealer, cleaner straw. But then you start telling yourself I'm gonna be better. Hiding it from everybody. This.

[A]

Time I never had to hide.

[B]

It.

[A]

Really. All my friends did drugs, you know, I never had to height. Well, obviously, yeah, I did because, you know, I don't want my whole family knowing I'm hitting rails in the bathroom. But also they all did drugs. They could tell I'm on drugs. Come on, man, you guys are all on drugs. Maybe that's why they couldn't tell. Never mind. Maybe they couldn't tell because they were trying to hide it from me. Like, I don't want this one to know about meth. I'm like, damn, Dan, I'm doing rails. And then we just cross each other in the.

[B]

Hall. People knew that I was on drugs when they would show to my house and they'll see like copper brittle pads everywhere. But just shit little ditches, Like little dishes. Like there's, there's like, dishes are sturdy, man, but there's copper brittle pads and abundance and long.

[A]

Hangers. See, I never smoked crack recreationally. I know, you said like you loved it. I didn't do crack recreationally. I did it twice. And the first time I went.

[B]

Maybe next time you go back, try.

[A]

Crack. I did. I didn't like it. I don't like that. It felt like when you melt plastic, you know, when people melt Plastic bags. It smelled like that, but in my brain. Like, in my brain cavity. And then I did this. I felt like my head got big, big and then came back down and I went, that's crack. I don't ever want to smoke until the.

[B]

Last.

[A]

Huh? No, last, like two and a half minutes. It felt like three minutes. It did nothing to me besides that. I mean, obviously it did something to me, but, like, I was sober 20 minutes later. Like, we smoked crack today. This sucked. I don't want to do it again. And I did it again. Well, it was. It was an accident the first.

[B]

Time, but still, man, like, you fell on the floor and lit a.

[A]

Pipe. No, no, no. Like, the first time I saw people smoke meth, like, in my face. That is incredible looking. The smoke is so majestic and encapsulating. It's thick smoke. No, I didn't smoke. I snorted it. But seeing the meth cloud, it's got, like, substance. You can grab it. It's not like weed smoke. It's thick smoke that saddles. It's weird.

[B]

Dude. Meth, when you snort it, it feels like somebody with bigger hands than you squeezes the out of your nose and then puts two kinds of alcohol in.

[A]

It. That was a crazy description. I would say it's like storing glass shards. As it went through, I felt it in my ear cavity, my eye. Like, it. It.

[B]

Hurts. So when it comes down, it feels like you're tasting what you think Crazy Glue tastes.

[A]

Like. Very, very chemical. Very chemical. Exactly that. Like when you pass by a factory that makes stuff and you're like, that smells like chemical. That's what I know when. Like, when I know coke's good. Like, oh, it smells like straight chemicals over here. There's like a cleaner, a certain cleaner smell I catch. And you can always know when someone's smoking it. Like you pass by a house. My dancer smoking crack in.

[B]

There. I can't smell it. I don't know what it smells.

[A]

Like. Like burning plastic, but real, real sweet. Like. Like real sharp up.

[B]

Here. To me, crack, I think, smells like. Burn.

[A]

Marshmallows. Like when you burn them too.

[B]

Much. Yeah, there you.

[A]

Go. Yeah, like when they start getting black and, like, catch on fire. Yeah, yeah, I can get. I can see what you're saying. Drugs, man. She has some to do them.

[B]

But don't do them.

[A]

Kids. Don't do them. Even though we're talking about all these adventures to us. All these adventures, man, my friend, we just. We were doing coke, and none of us wanted to stop doing coke. We're all. And my friends in the bathroom's like, my stomach hurts. And then we're just checking on him. We're checking on him every couple minutes, every hour. And we're all doing rails. And then he's in the bathroom and I walk in, he's throwing up black like and it smells like human. And I'm like, yo, you're sick. But also we got like four hours we have to leave. So like tough it out. We didn't tell him that, but he's just sitting there. His dad picked him up because we didn't want to like stop the party. I guess they were, they didn't call. This was appendix twisted and started to explode. So all that was about to be made. He was throwing it.

[B]

Up.

[A]

Damn. Oh, he has a scar this big on his. He had to go to immediate surgery. Dude, I'm still on one thinking like, spencer good, Spencer good. And then we call like, oh no, he's in the operation room. That's what cocaine will do to you. Tough it out. That's what he did to Jimi Hendrix. Tough it out.

[B]

Dog. Come.

[A]

On. We have a bag left. That's why he.

[C]

Died. From his toe or some.

[A]

Right? That was Bob Marley OD and his friends went, dog. We're not gonna call a cops because we were gonna get in trouble. We'll let the greatest guitar player ever just die in front of us. Great. You're not gonna go to jail that long for being high. Just call the.

[B]

Cops. He, he, he, he, he drowned in a throw up.

[A]

Right? Yep. Crazy dude. I remember one time I was so faced. I came home, I woke up on my back like half dressed with so much throw up on my face. I'm surprised I didn't die like all over the bed. And that's what I thought. Like I shouldn't be black out if I can't remember to turn.

[B]

Over. When you were partying, were you sitting down? Would you party for five days straight or one night and then you.

[A]

Stop? Oh no, I have insomnia, dude. I'll stay for four days partying, no smoking.

[B]

Weed. Like I'll still tell me when you're partying with.

[A]

Coke. Oh yeah, I'd be up all the time if I wanted to be like the weekend to be Friday to Monday, like, oh, school off of school.

[B]

Friday. But you still Saturday.

[A]

This. No, I was stand. I was always standing up in the garage where I was around. I was in shape back then. My back was okay cuz I was.

[B]

Up. I would party smoking, you know, and And I would stay in this position smoking. But then I would stay like this for most of the day. But then a party. But then I would stay like this five days straight like this. By the time I stopped and went home and actually stood up straight and laid down, bro, let me tell you, it felt like I. When I. I did like the longest sit up in my life, like I could have broke the records because I was. Because you do one. When you do one set up, you stay like this and you go back up. But I stood like this the whole course five days straight. So I want to sleep. I had a crap right here and I could see the whole movie muscle rising right.

[A]

Here. This fool got.

[B]

Ripped. This f.

[A]

Got. That's why he kept smoking like dog. I'm getting in shape. I'm getting in shape, dude. That's why I always say about the fentanyl users, they got great backs. All these are bent over at the waist.

[B]

For. I've never seen a fentanyl.

[A]

Person. It's just the people that are stuck, frozen. You've seen them everywhere, their backs never cramp. I need. If you smoke fentanyl and you don't want your back, I will take your vertebrae, switch them out with mine. I'll give you some.

[B]

Money. Who wants to be that high.

[A]

Though? I do. I would love to be that.

[B]

High. You might have a lot of problems at home.

[A]

Though. The thing is, like, I don't think I'd get high for problems. I just want to experience how up I could.

[B]

Be. Go to.

[A]

Sleep. It's hard to.

[B]

Sleep. That's the next level of being.

[C]

Up. Hell.

[A]

No. Sleep is.

[B]

Boring. You were get up and just took a nap for the 45 minutes. Oh, man, I should have wear you out, clean you out. Your thoughts will be clean. Not for.

[A]

Me. I would love to be able to take that. I took a nap the first time this year. Last year.

[B]

Yeah. I'm getting older, bro. I'm at the age now where I could take a 15 minute nap, bro. While people are talking, man. I'll put on my glasses and my hat. I'll be like.

[A]

This. He pulls a Weekend at Bernie's on.

[B]

Us. Oh.

[A]

What? Oh, your old man. Mexican.

[B]

Guy. I wrote this joke, I said, I'm getting. How old are you? I'm at the age now, bro, that if I haven't seen you in a long time and I remember you, it's probably because I don't like you.

[A]

Okay? That's.

[B]

True.

[A]

Yeah. If it's been this long, I don't with.

[B]

You. If it's been. If it's been a long time and you know who the I am and I know immediately who the fuck you are. But I don't know if I'm where it's probably because you and I don't like each other. I mean, if I don't remember you, you don't remember me. We're probably pals. Pal in some other summer.

[A]

Time. You know what's weird? Getting older and seeing someone's face and go, I completely forgot you existed. And all that just flooded back and it made me feel like an old ass fool. Like I forgot an existence of somebody and part of my life. It's weird like when you talk about people used to hang out with every day and then you stop hanging out with them and it's five years later you forget they exist. It's.

[B]

Weird. Or you ever see someone a long ass time, but this person you over a long time ago, but to you still like yesterday. I can't remember why we ever talked a lot of time. Oh, I.

[A]

Could. Yeah. See, I know those. I have like four of.

[B]

Those. I could. I don't know where I went wrong. Sit down, bro. Buy me a cup of coffee. I'll deduct $2 from the 20 bucks you owe.

[A]

Me. Oh, I still remember people owe me 15. Zach Full moved away. He moved away and became a teacher. You owe me money. I remember. I remember. Justin, you owe me $45. Mike, you owe me $180. You little. I remember about $800 worth of you bastards and that's why you got cut off. So that was a long time ago, but I remember it all. You, you remember, Brett, you owe me two dollars in the sixth grade. That's a Jewish side of my body. Calculating all the. Over here, Brett, that's all.

[B]

$180. Yeah, but you needed $180.

[A]

Back. I'm selling weed. All these are just weed sales that I fronted. They never came back ever again after I text them four times. That's all I'm saying. You know what? I like drugs, but I like selling drugs more than I like doing.

[B]

Drugs. You think that we back down that you had when you were selling is better than the weed you saw.

[A]

Now? Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why? I think a lot of people cross bred all these things together so much that there's not like everybody's like, yo, mix this Tito's vodka with this Casamigos and then do it again, and then do it again and then do it again when I just drink them both. Individually and like yeah. Have the same properties by themselves that I want to taste. But everybody's like, everybody's at the soda fountain doing the suicides with you get one of every flavor. That's what people are.

[B]

Doing. They're good with.

[A]

Pizza. Of course they're good. They're good with it. It's like mixing all the play dohs together. It's like I don't know what color this is, but it's the best. That's what's wrong with dude, the weed's getting weaker and the coke is getting deadly. America's.

[C]

Falling. What's your favorite.

[B]

Weed? Oh geez, Louis the 13 man. That OG mostly OGs. I like the taste. I liked. I like to be all up, man. I like to. I like when I want to go to a marijuana store and when I used to go to a marijuana store and, and I see a guy with paraplegic, you know or a guy with holding his, his, his, one of his arms in his backpack, you know and a guy that's blind. I always ask the, the weed person and what is that guy over there with a back, with a low back and no legs. Get he just a head on hips. Well cuz.

[C]

Whatever. No.

[B]

Back. Whatever Hushbad got. If it just going to barely hit him, it's going to me up.

[A]

Bab. What the. With no back or legs. I just a little arms in the.

[B]

Head. What kind of weed you looking for? When you get a guy here that comes in with no legs like a veteran and he goes, give me something to get me up to forget about the.

[A]

War. Yeah, I want that will suppress.

[B]

Death. I want, I want something that make me forget about war.

[A]

Crimes. Someone may forget about the three kids I have in another.

[B]

Country that would. That probably be my next history for.

[A]

Fools. War.

[B]

Crimes. No babies left behind in.

[A]

Vietnam. Have you seen that? There's.

[B]

Some. Hell yeah, bro. They all look like Bruno.

[A]

Mars. It's crazy. Some of these are blue eyed Vietnamese kids and they're over there getting outcasted because they're white. Crazy.

[B]

Dude. Hell yeah, bro. There's like the little Vietnamese kids walking around looking like Theo Vaughn.

[A]

And. Yes.

[B]

Yes. And Bert.

[A]

Kreischer. It's up. You know what's crazy? If they invaded us and we'd be like look at this Vietnamese white kid, we'd be doing the same. Remember they invaded us. Yeah, we've been doing the same.

[B]

Thing. That must have been crazy because after the war they must alluded to those kids and the, the, the people that had those Babies that bad.

[A]

People? Hell, yeah, they did. Or they were like, oh, you got taken advantage.

[B]

Of. Or.

[A]

You'Re. You're a traitor. Could you imagine? That must.

[B]

Suck. You have blue.

[A]

Eyes. Blue.

[B]

Eyes. And you're speaking to the language taller than 411.

[A]

Ever. Or you're the only 5 foot 5 one. And you stand out even more. What was the language you said earlier? That Chinese fake language. Imagine speaking that language. But you look at Marty, man, that would be confusing.

[B]

Bro. I saw this. This show called Norseman, and it's a spoof on Vikings. And right now when you point it at him, I don't know if he's a redhead or.

[A]

Not. Is he.

[B]

Marty? Yeah. Anyway, so blonde. So these Vikings, right, they were lying to these other Vikings because they were promised a map to the west world, right? Which. The west world to them is England, right? It's not America, it's just England. So they don't. They were looking for the map. So the guy goes, so you're saying you haven't been west? No, we never been west. And there's for ginger fools in their tribe, right? And they all have red hair and they're tall, freckles. And. And these fools are Swiss Norsemen. They're blonde, bro, Like Thor. They're tall. But there's these three ginger in the crew, right? And where did you get these men? You get these from the West? And I guess lie his ass off. He goes, wow, I got these. I got these lands from the Far East. They're from Red China. So that guy knew that this had a map to the west because they had Irish. They never seen redheaded food.

[A]

Before. Yo, have you ever.

[B]

Seen. I don't know how we got here.

[A]

But. Yeah, I don't know either. But have you ever seen Kazakhstan.

[B]

Before?

[A]

Who? Have you ever seen anybody from Kazakhstan? Yes. I was in a sauna. My old. Like, eight years ago. My old.

[B]

Apartment. That's a Russian Muslim city, right.

[A]

Bro? It was straight Asians speaking.

[B]

Russian.

[A]

Yeah. In the big Russian hat, sitting in the sauna. And they all look like they could kill you. They were all, like, under cover, military age. They're all ripped sitting there. We walked in, they stopped talking, and then they went back to their language. But they were Asian fools speaking Russian. Blew my mind, dude. Never seen that in my.

[B]

Life. They're paying for beer. How? With seal meat.

[A]

Huh? With seal meat. Not seal. The animal seal. The singer with seal meat, he comes in, begs them.

[B]

All. It's weird when you see these people who live in the Alaskan Thunder. Whatever they live with over there. I saw the White family, bro. They're. They needed dental work, bro. And the. They don't know. They have no money. But the dentist, he loves salmon, and he didn't get a chance to go fishing this season, so he paid. They paid for dental work with a. A bag of salmon.

[A]

Baller. What year is it? I love.

[B]

That.

[A]

2022. That's what I'm saying, though. That shit's hard as the barter system. Yeah, I'll trade you, my daughter for your goats and part of your house. That's how it used to work. That's how.

[B]

Families. They do it now over.

[A]

There. That's.

[B]

Wild. Imagine, bro, that fool has. What happened, bro? I thought they were gonna take out two teeth. They only took out one. Yeah, man. We paid with.

[A]

Frogs. What the. Yeah, the snow frogs. They're a delicacy.

[B]

Here. They can't survive. So I was doing. I do horrible crowd work, by the way, at the worst crowd work because I'm not cute, and then I want nobody to hook up at the end.

[A]

Of. Horrible, horrible crowd work, by the way. I love them. How you pitched.

[B]

Yourself. Horrible, horrible. But I don't know what to say. I had to come couple how, like, they were, like, in. They were like, 49E. She was 49, he was 50. And how long have I been married? She said, we've been married since. We've been married for 30 years. So you. You married him when he was 8, 18, and you married her when she was 19. Everybody clapped then, like I said. I looked at them. I looked at him go, hey, bro, so you never want to be nothing in your life? Honestly? That was an honest question. Caused a fight that night, bro. They. The crowd died. They couldn't stop laughing. But I wasn't trying to be funny. I honestly thought, like, you didn't want to be.

[A]

Anything. He's all trying to connect with this, man. I do terrible crowd work. I get really, like.

[B]

Emotional. And then I remember I was talking to. There was a guy kept laughing at my show. The whole time he was laughing. I could see him laughing and good. He was paraplegic, bro. Like one of the wheelchairs that.

[A]

Yeah. Or the.

[B]

String. His neck is like one of those. No, he could talk. Okay, but he could. He has to. He move it. He moved the. With his wrist. And I asked him I shouldn't even talk to him, but he was laughing so hard. So I said, what's up, bro? Thank you for coming out to the show, man. What happened to you, man. Someone shoot you? Or you were. No, you were born that way. What happened? He said, I was hit by a drunk driver. And I said, oh, man. Ah. Wow, man. I'm glad. That's good, man. Yeah. Did that guy live? He goes, yeah, wouldn't. When did this happen? Like, a long time ago. Happened when I was six months old. Yeah. Six months old. So the show, how we're getting sad, bro. Then I was like, how we're gonna get these back? And I talk about this mathematician right.

[A]

Here.

[B]

Oh. And I said, who's your. Who are you here with? My father. Where's your father at? Right here. Oh, you're his father. Were you in a car accident with him? He goes, yeah. So you've been taking care of him since the car accident? Like, feeding him.

[A]

And. And he's six months.

[B]

Old. Since he was six months old. The doc. Your son. Wow. So he just flew around in the.

[A]

Car?

[B]

How? You have a seatbelt. Wow, man. Your dad loves you, bro. Your dad loves you, bro. He's a better man than I'll ever be, bro. Because I was in a car with you. I would have smothered you to death, bro. I would have just killed you in the car. There's no way I'm gonna take care of someone like you for us in my life, bro. I have a life to live too, bro. The died. Died, bro. I didn't think they were gonna laugh, but they laughed. Like, really.

[A]

Laughed. This fool said I do horrible crowd work and then told the worst two stories I've ever heard. What's wrong with you? So you just flying around in the car. I would have killed you. Damn. That's some up to.

[B]

Say. So your dad. So your dad been taking care of you since you were in a hospital? Wow, bro. I would have smothered you in that car, bro. Just took you out like in Sopranos. I said that, bro. I said that. And then. Because, man, I. I would have just. People would have looked at. I would have. I would have thought about what my ancestors would have done, you know, like, if I was a Mayan, I was an Aztec.

[A]

Warrior.

[B]

Yeah. And I have. And I'm. We just got attacked by lions and. Yeah. And then you, You. You're. You're right there, man. Just barely alive.

[A]

And you just compared this. That was.

[B]

Nuts. I would have. I would. I would have decided, man, am I gonna run for my life or just leave you there to get mauled by that panther so I could get away and take care of my family.

[A]

With. He's Your baby, he is your family. Yo, the way your brain does this and it comes back is hilarious to watch. Panthers and lions.

[B]

Now. You ever seen that movie Spark? That movie.

[A]

Limitless? That's you, dude. This was in four different.

[B]

Dimensions. Right now, the.

[A]

Movie Spartans.

[B]

300.

[A]

300.

[B]

Yeah. In the beginning of the movie, they're showing you how they're picking the baby. The. The right babies to stay.

[A]

Alive. Throw them off a.

[B]

Cliff. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Bro. That's China.

[B]

Today. That's real thing. Everyone did that back.

[A]

Then. They do that today in China. If you're not. If you're a girl, you get.

[B]

Thrown off out of a window. Not anymore. Not anymore. But they used.

[A]

To. They used to slingshot.

[B]

Him. There's a fun, funny Family Guy episode about that. That's.

[A]

It. There's a funny.

[B]

Feeling. I'll give him time to put the video up while we.

[A]

Chat. We should wear br. And then it just pops up in.

[B]

Your. I know. I. I threw it out there. Like we actually have cutaway. Like they're doing like, hey, the.

[A]

Family Guy that one time. It's really Family Guy. It cuts back. I'm glad. And then we're in another scene. Now we're at the.

[B]

Diner. Boom. So you're doing stand up.

[A]

Comedy. Boom. Was that a Cleveland Brown.

[B]

Reference? I don't.

[A]

Know. Yeah, it's been fun as. Super.

[B]

Fun.

[A]

She. He just died yesterday, man. The guy from the Wire that says she. I don't know his real.

[B]

Name. Clay.

[A]

Thomas. That is not. I don't think that's his name. Did you just make it a name right.

[B]

Now? That's his name. Oh, it.

[A]

Is. I thought it was like.

[B]

Whitlock. When I saw the picture that he passed away, I got really sad, bro. I thought my. I thought my homie Roy Will Jr. Passed away. Oh.

[A]

Wow. He does look like.

[B]

That. But then I look, I put on my glasses. I got it.

[A]

Right. Aid the ones with no prescription. The old Mexican.

[B]

Ladies. My. My little.

[A]

125S. Yo, that's crazy. You're the. You and the old lady shifted through 60 pairs of glasses at.

[B]

Writing. I went from when I. When I thought it was Roy Woods Jr. I was like, no way. That I thought was a real guy when.

[A]

She. It's such a good one. You know what's funny? I forgot he is the doctor in Goodfellas that makes Henry Hill sit down, take the blood pressure. Take these pills, calm down. Remember, he's taking care of his.

[B]

Brother. You know, Bro, forgot about.

[A]

That. You look the.

[B]

Same. You know that black doctor in Goodfellas? You know who I thought it was? I always thought it was Al Bundy's black friend and Mary was children. I.

[A]

Don'T. His black friend, but he's too tall. That guy's tall.

[B]

Right? The one you're talking about. They're both tall, I don't.

[A]

Think. I didn't know if the guy was tall from the Wire. I don't know, but Al Bunny's homie, I know exactly. You're talking about the guy from no ma', Am, right? It's no Ma' Am Club. Remember? Al Bunny's club? No.

[B]

Ma'. Am. Yeah. No.

[A]

Ma'.

[C]

Am.

[B]

Yeah. No, no, man. Bro. Speaking of movies, bro, you ever seen. You ever seen that movie Switch Army Man?

[A]

No. No. Damn, you're throwing out.

[B]

Some. That's two I have not seen Switch Army Man. It's a movie about Paul Dano as his.

[A]

Name. Paul.

[B]

Who? Paul Dano. Or the one that. That actor that Quentin Tarantino said, Not a great.

[A]

Actor. Oh, the kid. The kid from that. That was in the Batman movie recently. Oh, he's awesome. What's.

[B]

Up? That's the kid from another name, right? Paul.

[A]

Dano. I don't know, but it's the guy, the hot.

[B]

Girl. He's in a movie called Switch on Army man with the kid from. From the Harry Potter movies. And he. And one of them is a switch, like, you know, Swiss army knife. But he's a Swiss Army.

[A]

Man. So he has like tools in his.

[B]

Body. Yeah. And he. He. He uses that food to ride a. To go around the ocean and to cut up. Make law. Cut logs with his.

[A]

Body. He's tripping. He should run a gang of Mexicans in a construction zone. Show him how it's done for free. Bless.

[B]

You. Thank.

[A]

You. And then he's got a successful business on his.

[B]

Hands. Swiss Army Man. Right. You saw it right.

[A]

There. Be a.

[B]

Contractor. You gotta watch.

[A]

It. I'm gonna be a contractor too. Swiss Army.

[B]

Man. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. No, I'll be doing the Crate Uber would have to be. So I'd be doing drugs all day, staying up, making money. If I had a Swiss army body, I'd be taking fools on rides and helicopter rides for 1500 dollars. And across LA, they have Uber.

[B]

Helicopter. Now, if you're a Swiss army man, what kind of weapons would you want? Tools. Because you know.

[A]

What? A Switch army cleaner, so I can clean my bong. And I want a saw. I want one that turns into a ray gun so I can Ray gun. One that boosts me off the ground so fast that I could fly around like Iron Man. I want one that automatic. Any drugs, I want that just pop up. That's it. Selfish tools. I want a bunch of selfish ass.

[B]

Tools. Hell yeah, man. Me, I would like all the little. I don't know what they're called, man, until you need one. And the ones that are like this alloy wrench. I can't even know how to say it, bro. I want one of those. That probably be my dick. And. And a shovel, bro. Like a. Like a sh. Like a. Not a shovel, but like a camping shovel. Like. No. Did you walk into a. A restaurant with wood burning stoves? You. I got. I got. I got my own pizza.

[A]

Bro. The pizza things for the wood. Yeah. Damn. You're just doing.

[B]

Food. And then a.

[A]

Shotgun. Oh, like in army of Darkness or.

[B]

Something. Yeah, one shotgun pops.

[A]

Up. Oh, I have a ray gun anyway. But you know that one shotgun too. Just one arm and a.

[B]

Toothbrush.

[A]

Anywhere. I'm at. Ooh, and the Anarchist Cookbook that pops out so I can make chemicals if I need.

[B]

To. That. Is that an actual book or.

[A]

Urban. That was just some on it online when I was a.

[B]

Kid. I remember people talking about.

[A]

It. Yeah, when I was a kid.

[B]

Used to watch how to make.

[A]

Bombs. Two girls, one cup. All those things on the Internet were discussing Rotten dot.

[B]

Com. I grew up before the Internet, but people actually think they had the actual.

[A]

Book? Oh yeah, the actual.

[B]

Book. Yeah, some people actually have it for.

[A]

Sure. There's a lot of bored white dudes out.

[B]

There. Did you ever know how to make a bomb? No, I.

[A]

Did. No, I.

[B]

Don'T. Dry.

[A]

Ice. Oh yeah. I've seen those little M80s though. We used to remember the. The Screamer fireworks. You dump them all. You powder them down, dump them, duct tape them up and it would be like a dynamite. That was.

[B]

Dangerous. Yeah, someone popped through my school.

[A]

Man.

[B]

Dangerous. They did. You know what they did? They did it with all the. They took all the. All the like you said. But then they. They wrapped it around a little snap things. They made a real big one. That was.

[A]

Loud. You ever see the little quarter sticks of dynamite people.

[B]

Throwing? No.

[A]

Man. My homie does it every 4th of July. I would have PTSD going to war and all those bombs. I understand why those fools get shell shocked now. Those little M80s hit you in your chest so hard. The quarter six of Dynamite M80s. They turn every alarm off in the. In the neighborhood. The leaves move a little bit. That's not even a grenade. Could you imagine dodging missiles? I would be right now. I'd be done. It'd be like, what was it welcome? Was it born on 4th of July? That'd be me, except I could walk. I'd be up if I had to do.

[B]

That. You like that.

[A]

Movie? It's a sad ass movie. I watched it as a.

[B]

Kid. When they're in Mexico with the hookers, what are they doing? They're.

[A]

Realtors. What was Lieutenant Dan doing? He was about to do something to those hookers in Forrest Gump. He. He knew them by name. He's banged them or done something with them.

[B]

Before. Lieutenant Dan. I was about to die that.

[A]

War. But all his family members keep hitting the ground in different time zones in every single American war. I love that movie so.

[B]

Much. Forrest Gump, it's such a good.

[A]

Movie. Dude, right? He got AIDS from Jenny, right? Just lived his life out and died of aids.

[B]

Right? For he didn't die, his wife.

[A]

Dies. I know, but because she had aids. Yeah, she banged him. He's got aids. I'm sure he doesn't have a stash of condoms.

[C]

Right? Am I.

[A]

Right? Am I right? So his son just became Richie Rich. His parents just died. He just. He just engulfs and develops this land of old plantation.

[C]

Slavery. Movie part.

[A]

Two. Part two is just this full doing rails in that place. 16 years old, billionaire Bubba Gump shrimp co inheritance. Where's the part two? That's what AI needs to do. AI, can you please make me a part two theater movie trailer. Forrest Gump 2. Because he died of AIDS. And young Forest takes over the company and burns it into the.

[B]

Ground. 2026 with little half Asian Lieutenant.

[A]

Dan. Yep. With hat with their kid. And he's the worker and he treats him like. I want to see this movie though. No. Okay. You ever seen the. You ever play the Scarface game? Remember that came out like 20 years.

[B]

Ago. I never played a.

[A]

Scarf. The game, once you start it, it goes. It starts off like this. You hear the guy with a shotgun, you turn around, you murder him and you get away. And then you start your empire again. That game was crazy, bro. Or the 50 cent game was crazy as hell.

[B]

Too. What system play that game? The.

[A]

Scarface? PlayStation 1.

[B]

Probably. PlayStation 1.

[A]

Okay. There's a so old ass game, dude. Anyway, besides games, what's up? You have a lot of cities on your next.

[B]

Tour? Yeah, man. I'm doing a big ass show June 13 at the Greek Theater. That's a big ass hosted by Dunos oh, no.

[A]

Yeah. Nice, dude. Yeah, no, that's a. I just did the. The Greek. The Ice would watch something there. That's a.

[B]

Big. Yeah, man. He did my podcast, and I just. When we're talking, we grew up in. Well, he grew up in a neighborhood where I lived, but I grew up in it. Right there, right now. Downtown. Shout out to Whitmer and Echo.

[A]

Park. Nice. Okay, so he's gonna do that June.

[B]

13Th. I'll be there, and then I'm touring. I don't know when it airs, but next week I'll be in Toledo, Ohio. 8, 9, and.

[A]

10. We're just talking about. What was. What was it? Oh, Christmas Story.

[B]

House. Yeah, that's right. I went back to Toledo.

[A]

Bro. Sick. Okay, and then what else? Anything in California besides the.

[B]

Greek? No.

[C]

Bro. 20.

[B]

Cities.

[A]

Yeah. What's the.

[B]

Website? Go to the city. I'm going to Omaha, Nebraska. I'm going to Amarillo, Texas, June 30th. I'm going to a lot of stadiums, bro. I go to a lot of.

[A]

Cities. Where can people get.

[B]

Tickets? Felipe.

[A]

World.com.

[B]

Felipeworld.Com. Yeah, Felipe's World.com.

[A]

We'Ll. We'll link it just so you can see. I saw this. It's got, like, we say, 20 plus.

[B]

Cities.

[C]

Yeah. Between now. Now in the next six months, he's got about 20 plus cities out in the.

[B]

Set.

[C]

Yeah. What's your favorite venue to play, if you have.

[B]

One? Oh, man. Can I tell you, I broke the. It's a lot of places, bro. But they gave me an award in the celebrity.

[A]

Theater. Where's.

[B]

That? In Phoenix. They said I sold the most alcohol. Oh, well, not me, but I.

[A]

Didn'T know that was a statistic. I'm going for the most mozzarella sticks. That's what I'm going for every time. The past three venues got mozzarella.

[B]

Sticks. No, for a comedian. For a comedian, I'm pretty sure, man. A band probably sells more.

[A]

Alcohol. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. A band is. Music's gonna be everything forever. No one can compete with it. So your favorite veggie, you said?

[B]

Oh, my favorite cities are all those cities where, like, Pacific Northwest, like Seattle and Vancouver. Portland, Oregon. Yakima. Yeah, all those cities, man. I love. I love it over there. Just. It's different.

[A]

Man. People or.

[B]

Weather. The people, they're weird. That's why it's not like, it's, you know, like California. Very liberal, man. You know, but we have strict gun laws here. But Washington is, like, a while. The. The original Washington and Oregon are like the OG Original WAW west. Like, marijuana legal. Mushrooms are legal. Open and carry is probably legal. And so is. I'm buying assault rifles.

[A]

Yeah. Racism is not frowned.

[B]

Upon. Hell no.

[A]

Man. They're still like, it's okay, but still call you some, but it's all right, buddy. You get.

[B]

Gas. It's fun over there, man. I like. And also New York. I like going to New.

[A]

York. I love New York, dude. It's such a different pace than.

[B]

Boston. I love Boston. D.C.

[A]

Atlanta. This Fool's just naming every city he's ever been.

[B]

Winted.

[A]

California.

[B]

Porterville. Porterville. You know what's up? Shout out to Rockies. There you.

[A]

Go. And then also, everybody, if you want to watch some. I'll definitely. So you can watch Raging Full, your last.

[B]

Special. Go check out Raging fool, man. It's on Netflix right now. It's pretty hot. It's.

[A]

Funny. Yo, do you do voice.

[B]

Acting? Yeah, man. You know what I mean? Like, there's. There's. There's cartoons that I'm on. Like, I never heard of them. And the people that. That I. When I tell them, they never heard of it still. But I. I filmed, like, I did a bunch of voiceovers during the pandemic, and some of them were pilots, and something got picked up. Like, I'm in a. I'm in the first two episodes of that show on hbo. Royal Crackers World.

[A]

Crackers. I never heard of.

[B]

It. Exactly. I never heard of it. And. And I'm an. I play. I play a. A computer geek with glasses and long hair in a show on Fox. They're on their second season. It's called Universal Cable.

[A]

Guys. Universal Cable Guys on.

[B]

Fox? Yeah.

[A]

Damn. I haven't watched Fox in a.

[B]

Minute. That show is. It's based on these two guys from Philadelphia, and everybody in the show has a Philadelphia accident. And I. I found out that it's one of the most hardest accent to fake. So they actually got people from Philadelphia to do it. And they got me. I guess I sound like from.

[A]

Philadelphia. I don't know what the.

[B]

Field. All right, Rocco. So I'm over there dropping lines like, so what are the. So what do you. So I'm like a computer geek. I remember the line was, so go talk to. Go talk to whatever his name is. He's a big geek, just like you. So he walks up to me. I'm in a computer. Let's see everybody watching football. I'm like, that's how I look at this. And I look up Felipe Esparza on Royal Cracker. I'm a fat dude. So what are you doing right now? Oh, right now I'm changing all the. All the goblins to look like the hottest teacher in my third.

[A]

Grade. So that's not a Philadelphia.

[B]

Accident. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it the way they told me to do it right.

[A]

Now. I don't know that accident, but that's not.

[B]

It. You sound like you Philadelphia accident. It sounds like somebody from Boston trying to talk like they're from New.

[A]

York. That is.

[B]

Confused. Exactly. Nobody could do.

[A]

It. I don't even know if I've heard it. I watch Always Sunny Philadelphia. None of them got the.

[B]

Accent.

[A]

No. So I don't know any other.

[B]

Reference. All right, Rocco, Rocky. I don't know. That is Philadelphia. I did cartoon. I did the voiceover for that and I did the voiceover for that show. Valentino and.

[A]

Something. Yeah, exactly what I'm saying. When you do scary uncle voice, when you just. I think that could be like a monster on Big.

[B]

Mouth. Whatever. Let me know, bro. I'll do it.

[A]

This. Let me know. Yeah. By the way, I write for.

[B]

Big. Oh.

[A]

God. Okay, so Raging.

[B]

Fool. Raging at my leisure. At my.

[A]

Leisure. History of History for.

[B]

Fools. Do you even binge.

[A]

Podcast? What up.

[B]

Fool? And what else? I mean, I'm in a lot of movies, man. For like five seconds. Don't blink. You might miss.

[A]

Me. It's not where the Wild Things Are. It's him. He just walked by.

[B]

Camera. I'm in Blue.

[A]

Beetle. Oh, for real? I didn't watch that. That's the. That's the kid from Cobra Kai.

[B]

Right? I mean, you people with Jody.

[A]

Hill and Eddie Murphy actually haven't seen that. I was gonna watch that. It's at the one where they like, it's like some holiday. Meet the.

[B]

Parents. I'm on this fool one.

[A]

Episode. That feels funny, dude. I saw him during the Pandemic like four years ago. That Frankie Quinones full. He is good, dude. He's hilarious.

[B]

Man. Me and Frankie would do a sketch together called Emo Primo. And I play a.

[A]

Goth. Oh, I've seen.

[B]

This. I've seen this on my hair. And I become a goth guy. All.

[A]

Right. You look like anybody at a rock show in la. There's so many fools that look.

[B]

Like him at rock shows and they're all.

[A]

Ladies. There's a lot of big ass yo. Mexican fools love goth being sad and going to concerts. So there's a lot of these fools.

[B]

Everywhere. Cuz we can't be Sad at home because we have to be.

[A]

Men. Yeah. Cuz your dad will get mad at you. Why are you depressed? I pay for everything. Mexicans are funny. They don't give a. As long as you're working. It's.

[B]

True.

[A]

Right? But then again, like, even if you're sad, go get up and go to.

[B]

Work. What.

[A]

The. Your bills are still gonna be there, dude. You're gonna be way more sad if you're depressed outside. It's a fact. Especially if you live in Buffalo. Just go outside and.

[C]

Die.

[A]

Literally. So.

[B]

Sad. I know, man. They don't get.

[A]

It. They don't get it. Move away, stay.

[B]

Inside. You're depressed and sad. Your dad goes, you're Sammy because you don't work nine hours. Yeah, I'll stop because I work two.

[A]

Hours. That's first generation. Like my grandma. Grandpa, dude. Anyway, we already talked about Mexicans. We really know they work hard until you're the third generation. Then you just have babies and stay on welfare and. At least my.

[B]

Friends. No, the first generation has a lot of kids, man. Like the. Actually the immigrants. My father. We had a lot of kids.

[A]

Man. You have no kids.

[B]

Right? I have three.

[A]

Kids. Oh, you do have three.

[B]

Kids? I'm a grandfather. Two grandkids. Oh.

[A]

Wait. One of your daughters is like 25 years old.

[B]

Right? She lives in. She lives in.

[A]

Sweden. For real? Doing.

[B]

What? I don't know. Whatever people in Sweden do.

[A]

For. Oh, come.

[C]

On. What.

[A]

The. She's not just sitting there.

[B]

Skiing. What.

[A]

The. Making watches. Come.

[B]

On. Living there with her son and her. Her.

[A]

Man. I mean, like, what do they do for work? This. Live the.

[B]

Snow. I don't know what they do. I guess get jobs that they do over.

[A]

Here. I know, but like, what is that.

[B]

Job? I have no.

[A]

Idea. Oh, I don't know. She's another side of the world.

[B]

Dog. I didn't know that. They get up in the morning at seven and it feels like midnight, bro. It's dark. And then they go to sleep when it's daytime, it's 8 o' clock at night. It's light for half of the year. Then the rest of the year is regular.

[A]

Time. Is your husband.

[B]

White? He's Swedish.

[A]

Swedish. And he's just.

[B]

Normal. If you're. He's Swedish and.

[A]

Persian. That is a fucked up.

[B]

Mix. Yeah. His mother is 100 Swedish. Beautiful.

[A]

Lady. Okay, that was random. All right, so you have two other kids. Eddie, your grandpa, though. Why'd I feel like you didn't have kids down tripping. You have a whole another family. All right.

[B]

Cool. I get around.

[A]

Bro. I had that child in Sweden actually. I was looking for some weed outdoor.

[B]

Once. Stockholm.

[A]

Syndrome. Hey, never left, dog. Okay? Raging fool. At my leisure. Sweden.

[B]

Child. All right, we're good, we're.

[A]

Good. This is the first episode of the year. First day of the.

[B]

Year. First day of the year, man.

[A]

Yeah. Trying to be good this year and do things good. Goals to not be fat.

[B]

Anymore. Good luck.

[A]

Bro. Thank you. I think it's gonna work. I think it's gonna work. I'm gonna start this shit. This new shit called Heroin they called it. Where I just like and my backs to get strong. I'll be standing for long periods of time. Back gets strong like your sit ups done. I mean what else do you need to do this.

[B]

Year? The fuck you should just eat with one chopstick.

[A]

Strategy. I'll just use my hands or.

[B]

This just one chop to whatever you can grab. One chop.

[A]

Thing. I just waste my time eating a lot of food that.

[B]

Way. Somebody told me, someone told me like this. Just eat enough. Just eat what you can put in this.

[A]

Bowl. How.

[B]

High? That's what I said, bro. How many boy ever gonna give me, bro? Dude, like, you should eat this.

[A]

Like. Like.

[B]

Meat. They say they should only eat this much.

[A]

Much? Yeah, this much? Yeah. You don't eat meat. Neither do.

[B]

I. How much like that knuckle sandwich, right?

[A]

This? Yep. Like that. Just like do it again. Go closer to your face like you're eating.

[B]

It.

[A]

Yeah. Hey, yo, for real though, before we get out of here, how are you surviving not eating meat? Cuz I feel sick. At this.

[B]

Point. I just don't need.

[A]

It. No, I'm saying like nutrients wise. Do you feel sick, dude? No, I. I feel.

[B]

Sick. I wake up in the.

[A]

Morning. What do you eat? No, no, tell me real quick, what's your day of eating as a vegan person? Like, I just stopped being vegan last year. I've been vegetarian. This now I. I just eat.

[B]

Cheese and eggs in the morning. I me to.

[A]

Eat. I switched it, I switched.

[B]

It.

[A]

I.

[B]

Anything. Like I make oatmeal with bananas and peanut butter, orange juice and black coffee. Then lunch. I make a sandwich with peanut butter with vegan turkey, vegan cheese, mayonnaise. Vegan mayonnaise, tomatoes, avocado. Like a sandwich? Yeah. And dinner. Spaghetti, man. With either vegan chicken or the impossible meat. Yeah. Meatballs, garlic.

[A]

Bread. Okay, so why the and then am I. That's kind of the.

[B]

Dumb. I eat for breakfast. I make chilaquiles, man. With el pato Sauce. And then on the side I get that just egg product. Yeah, I, I put a lot of oil so it'll cook faster. And then I add egg salt and like a Himalayan salt. Yeah. Picture. It's black. It's black salt. It smells like, like, like, like when you make. I don't know, like it just smells like what is supposed to smell like real bad. Like, like sulfur. That salt smells like sulfur. When you mix it with the fake eggs, it's. It gives that fake real egg smell that real eggs have. So then you eat that, you make chilaquiles. Make refried beans. The way I told you earlier. All gross jalapenos, bro. There, there's a lot of vegan restaurants now. Like also a lot of Chinese restaurants are.

[A]

Vegan. I don't know, man. Everything you said sounds normal. I think my body just doesn't with me and goes, we're going to gain weight. Unless you eat like a white skinny woman that does yoga. I feel like my body needs that change cuz what you said you eat. I eat like that all the time. I can't seem to not be fatter.

[B]

So. So I think you should. If you're not, you should just. I'm not a nutritionist or anything, but what helps me is that if I eat my. If I eat dinner like at 7, right. Or 9 or even 10, I won't eat again to the next day, two hours later. So I won't eat again till.

[A]

10. Oh, you only eat one.

[B]

Meal. If I eat at 10pm My big meal, I won't eat again to the next day at 10 in the.

[A]

Morning. Oh yeah, 12. You're doing the intermittent fasting? Damn near.

[B]

Yeah. So then, then, then I'll eat a dinner. I'm.

[C]

Fine. That's the way to do.

[A]

It. Two.

[B]

Months. But I don't know, do water and I don't drink. I drink diet cold sometimes, but mostly.

[C]

Water. Was saying 16 hour fast. So you eat for like that.

[B]

Just. Yeah, I could do that though. I could do that, did that for how long? I'll do without thinking.

[A]

Though. I'm gonna switch my. I'm just gonna eat like. Like I have. Like my husband's making all the money and I'm just at the yoga classes and. And I wear Lululemon. That's how I need to eat because it's not working for me. Everything we just did is obviously not working. As you can tell. Just doesn't do it. My body's a little inside. It's really what it.

[B]

Is. Are you Exercising.

[A]

Though. Yeah, that's the.

[B]

Thing. Yeah, I'm.

[A]

Not. I am.

[B]

This. You should. Maybe you should try a different exercise. Maybe swim instead of walking.

[A]

Running. It didn't really do anything. I didn't like this woman, man. My back's up. So when I was trying to swim, it's hard to keep my mouth above the water because if I arch, my back gets locked. I tried. So I just wobble my back for ever. Sucks, man. I'm trying. Maybe next time you see me, I'll be not as fat. That'd be so, so sick. All right, cool. What's your plans for the.

[B]

Year? I plan on writing a.

[A]

Book. A children's book.

[B]

Sick. I'm writing. I'm. I'm gonna write a. I'm gonna write a how to. How. A how to book and then a regular book and then maybe like to write two screenplays with my.

[A]

Wife. Okay. And she like Marty and I were talking about. She seen. Did she edit? She like the.

[B]

Back? Yeah, she directed my last special and she edited all my.

[A]

Specials. Does she have like a background of.

[B]

Editing? No, she just learned along the.

[A]

Way. Hell.

[B]

Yeah. That's how you been together since 2000. We got married in 2013. We got. And, and we got. We met in 2006. We got married on 12th, 1314. December 13th.

[A]

2014. Nice. Easy to remember not to it up. Yeah, me and my wife got together on 11. 22 11. It's really easy to.

[B]

Remember. You got married one.

[A]

Year? No, we got together 11, 22 11. So I'm saying it's really.

[B]

Easy. 2011. Yeah. Damn, that's a long.

[A]

Time. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. You live together?

[A]

Yeah. What the. I'm not full Mexican.

[B]

Dude. We're not.

[A]

Married. Living in separate.

[B]

Houses. Oh, you are.

[A]

Married?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, I thought you hooked up that.

[A]

Day. That's the day we started.

[B]

Dating. So when did you get.

[A]

Married? Two years ago. Almost two years.

[B]

Ago. Oh, okay. It's a long ass.

[A]

Time. Long ass time.

[B]

Dude. No.

[A]

Kids? Nope. No, I'm just too busy. Maybe one day. We'll see. I don't.

[B]

Know. You gotta smoke weed with you. At what.

[A]

Age? I don't smoke weed in front of children or with children, so. At.

[B]

18. Yeah. You're not that dad that's smoking a joint while the kids are on the way to.

[A]

School? Nope.

[B]

Weak.

[A]

Nope. Because I know me back like that. No, my dad was always hiding that in the bathroom. So we never exactly. We never.

[B]

Knew. Yeah, me too, man. When I was. When I was alcoholic, I would. I would come up home from work and like are you gonna eat? Yeah, yeah, whatever. And I'll go in a bathtub, bro. And I took out my backpack and I just drink a. A whole six pack while I was taking a.

[A]

Bath. How long were you in.

[B]

There? A long ass.

[A]

Time. Let's say six packs was leisurely at my.

[B]

Leisure. I don't know. How long is that song? The town that I live in is.

[A]

Lonely. 14.

[B]

Minutes. Here you.

[A]

Go. All right, well, thank you, dude. Thanks for being.

[B]

Here. First guest for having me.

[A]

Bro. First guest of the year. Appreciate.

[B]

You. Thanks for having me, bro. Thanks for the.

[A]

Weed. Yeah. Oh, I got some more cool for.

[B]

You. Thanks for having.

[A]

Me. Also. What's the next. The very next show. When's your next show? Cuz this comes out in like four days. So what's the next show you have in four.

[B]

Days? That'll be.

[A]

1-8-9. It is the.

[B]

First. No, but in four days it'll be four days. Yeah. So four days. You have time to go check me out in Toledo and Omaha.

[A]

Nebraska. Felipe's world dot.

[B]

Com. Felipe world dot com. Don't you forget, it'll be the.

[A]

Eighth. It's the.

[B]

First. All.

[A]

Right. No, dude, we said.

[B]

It.

[A]

We. We're not good at math. We. We talked about it. All right, cool. Thanks for being here.

[B]

Man. Thank you for having me.

[A]

Man. Appreciate you. What day does your podcast come out? What's up.

[B]

Fool? What's up fool? Comes out every Wednesday live at 8:00pm.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Good. And to you. Even binge comes out every Friday in the afternoon and History for fools Sunday morning. Get your study on. Damn. Next week we're talking about the colonization of California by the Spaniards in.

[A]

1582. Sounds like when Chris Farley's trying to teach Adam Sandler and Happy Billy Madison the things he's taking his clothes off there. You need to quiz somebody and then until you get naked like Chris Farley. Appreciate.

[B]

It. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Man. Thanks man. Thanks for being here. Appreciate it guys. Thank you for being here. This is Marty. This is Felipe Esparza. This has been the first episode of the year. Dope as usual podcast. Have a dope ass.

[B]

Day. Have a dope ass day. Yeah. Perfect, Perfect.