The EPIC Return of Ralph Barbosa

Summary

DOPE AS USUAL Podcast: The EPIC Return of Ralph Barbosa

Episode Release Date: January 28, 2025

Hosts:

• Dope as Yola
• Ralph Barbosa
• Marty
• Jaime

---

1. Political Commentary and Personal Views

The episode kicks off with Ralph Barbosa and Marty delving into the recent inauguration and the political climate. Marty expresses his discomfort with taking sides in politics to maintain his comedic neutrality, stating:

"I personally, I don't want to vote because I like making fun of both parties... you now, you pick the team, and you're like, now it feels like I'm spreading, like, propaganda."
[00:26] Marty

Ralph humorously emphasizes the divisiveness of political allegiance:

"Yeah, I might have voted for him. If you don't, you're stupid. Don't come to my show."
[00:47] Ralph Barbosa

The conversation touches on immigration policies, border walls, and international relations, highlighting their skepticism and humorous take on serious political issues.

2. Experiences in Canada and Immigration Frustrations

Marty shares his challenging experiences traveling to Canada, describing the stringent immigration checks and cultural differences:

"I wanted to play Glorilla... But then they can’t let us there. They didn't let him in."
[02:13] Marty

Ralph and Jaime add to the narrative, discussing the lack of support from Canada during crises and their humorous contemplation of a "War on Canada."

"South park, bigger, longer, uncut war of Canada."
[04:50] Ralph Barbosa

3. Stand-Up Comedy Insights and Podcasting Journey

A significant portion of the episode revolves around their careers in stand-up comedy and podcasting. Marty recounts his journey of recording his Hulu special and the spontaneous creation of their podcast, "The Fat Fish Podcast":

"I never want to do anything when the sun is out... if I'm out there in the day and, like, I accidentally, like, going to somebody's lane, and then they honk at me."
[16:33] Marty

Ralph shares his own stand-up experiences, emphasizing the importance of perseverance and authenticity on stage.

"Whenever people are like, super supportive of a president, I'm like, bro, like, take the out. Like, calm down."
[15:12] Ralph Barbosa

4. Personal Anecdotes and Relationships

The hosts delve into personal stories, discussing relationships, parenting, and overcoming challenges. Marty reflects on the impact of fatherhood on his motivation and career:

"I've known him since I was, like, 10 or nine... We grew up on the same street."
[66:21] Marty

Ralph discusses his upbringing and the influence of his parents, highlighting the contrast between their childhood experiences.

"He watched a lot of Animel Planet... She was practicing... What, an overachieving hooker?"
[116:23] Ralph Barbosa

5. Automotive Passion and Car Maintenance Stories

A recurring theme is their passion for cars. Ralph shares his frustrations with car repairs and the challenges of maintaining a vehicle:

"The other guy can't turn into it though, either... But it’s what makes that movie so badass."
[45:12] Ralph Barbosa

Marty discusses his extensive car collection and the logistics of managing multiple vehicles, adding humor to the challenges faced.

"He made the body kit out of fiberglass, so it did this, and it was warped."
**[106:54] Ralph Barbosa]

6. Pop Culture, Movies, and Humorous Takes

The trio engages in lively discussions about various movies, blending humor with critique. They dissect films like "Terminator," "Harry Potter," and unconventional titles like "Two Girls, One Cup," using these topics to fuel comedic banter.

"You're never going to believe what happened... That was fake."
[75:07] Ralph Barbosa

Marty creatively merges characters from different franchises, imagining crossover scenarios for comedic effect.

"Terminator Potter too... Chamber of..."
[50:35] Marty

7. Parenting and Life Lessons

Marty shares heartfelt insights into fatherhood, emphasizing how his son has shaped his life's direction and motivated him to strive for success.

"I never want to do anything when the sun is out... You know what I mean?"
**[16:33] Marty]

Ralph discusses his own views on parenting, highlighting the balance between personal ambition and familial responsibilities.

"I want to see the Hulk pay his electricity bill and just get... etc."
**[25:05] Ralph Barbosa]

8. Closing Remarks and Future Plans

As the episode wraps up, the hosts promote their podcast and upcoming projects, encouraging listeners to support their content through various platforms.

"You can follow me on Instagram to keep up with show release dates and all that. My Instagram is Ralph Barbosa03."
[124:50] Marty

They briefly touch on future gigs, the development of their Hulu special, and the continuous evolution of their comedic endeavors.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Ralph Barbosa on Political Division:
  "Yeah, I might have voted for him. If you don't, you're stupid. Don't come to my show."
  [00:47]

• Marty on Maintaining Comedy Neutrality:
  "I personally, I don't want to vote because I like making fun of both parties... you now, you pick the team, and you're like, now it feels like I'm spreading, like, propaganda."
  [00:26]

• Ralph on Immigration and Show Attendance:
  "Don't turn into Rob Schneider. Yeah, I love the guy, but damn, he's gotten too political, man."
  [00:52]

• Discussion on "Two Girls, One Cup":
  "You look like you're about to throw up right now, bro. Look at your eyes. Why are you."
  [74:50]

• Marty on Fatherhood's Impact:
  "If I didn't have my kid, I would have still been back home cutting hair... I was so content."
  [94:39]

---

Conclusion

"The EPIC Return of Ralph Barbosa" is a dynamic blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions. Ralph, Marty, and Jaime navigate through a myriad of topics—from politics and personal struggles to their shared passion for comedy and cars—offering listeners an engaging and entertaining experience. Their candid conversations and the seamless flow between topics make this episode a standout installment in the "Dope as Usual" podcast series.

Connect with the Hosts:

• Marty's Comedy Shows and Tour Dates: barbosacomedy.com (spelled with an "S")
• Follow Ralph Barbosa on Instagram: @RalphBarbosa03
• Listen to "The Fat Fish Podcast": fatfishpodcast.com

Stay tuned for more episodes every Monday and explore additional content through their unrestricted membership for exclusive behind-the-scenes access.

Transcript

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, you can. Perfect. Perfect.

[Marty]

You watch that inauguration today? No, bro, I was watching it. I didn't want to, but the Uber driver wouldn't take it off. Yeah, I wanted to play Glorilla.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Can you put on Glorilla? No, I'm watching the press.

[Marty]

Like, this is your country, God damn it. You need to watch. And Trump saying some crazy stuff, bro. I don't care who people vote for. Like, no, I personally, I don't want to vote because I like making fun of both parties, and if I vote for one, then it's a little hypocritical to make fun of the other. You know, you now, you pick the team, and you're like, now it feels like I'm spreading, like, propaganda.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, I might have voted for him. If you don't, you're stupid. Don't come to my show.

[Marty]

So I don't ever want to do that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Don't turn into Rob Schneider. Yeah, I love the guy, but damn, he's gotten too political, man.

[Marty]

Yeah, I don't want to get political on there. I'll make fun of either one, like, here and there, there. But never actually pick a team. So I was watching it, and I just think it was funny in general.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's. It's. We're living in a weird time.

[Marty]

He was like, all right, so check this out. So he says this. He says that they're going to, you know, be like, real strict, real hardcore on if they catch immigrant criminals, they're going to send them back to whatever country they come from. Like, we're going to make sure. But then he. He ends that whole statement by being like, like, mexico's not gonna get away with this anymore. Something like that. I was just like, hey, hey.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What happened?

[Marty]

For a minute there, it seemed like, you don't like immigrants, despite of their race, which felt kind of nice. We're gonna get rid of them no matter what color they are. But then he's like, mexico, God damn it, we're done with your shenanigans. And I'm like, hey, what the.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't know. I thought he was kind of on our side a little.

[Marty]

Also, don't, like, don't quote me on that. Go watch the inauguration.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Don't quote me on what I just. Just heard.

[Marty]

But he says. He says something along those lines. Every felt like, you know, I mean, like, he said he was. He was. You know. You know how he is. He's like, first and foremost, we're gonna build that wall.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And what about the wall from Canada?

[Marty]

That wall is like, bro, he. He emphasized the southern wall.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I know there's no wall. They don't let us there. You know that.

[Marty]

That's crazy, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Have you been to Canada?

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. They let you. They didn't let him in.

[Jaime]

They don't want you there. They're like, us as a whole, as American.

[Marty]

As Americans. Yeah. No, I. When I got there the first time, I went, it was like, easy peasy. I just went. They're like, do your show. Get. Get out. The second time I went, they were a little more like, what are you doing here? Again? Let them do a show. They're like, you're only here for a couple days. I was like, yeah. They're like, your shirt is just a couple days. I was like, yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not going to build a home.

[Marty]

And then I go to where, like, the. They go. I go to where the luggage. The baggage claim is at. I get my bag, and they're like, oh, who are you? I said, I showed them my id. They're like, you got id like, yes, My passport. They're like, all right, all right. Then they. They wrote something on the paper, then they gave it to me, right? I don't know what it meant. I. I'm trying to leave, and then they checking to see if people have those papers or not. What they write on your paper, you know, and check the paper. And then they're like, that's not good.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Me X. That's what they wrote.

[Marty]

I was like, I didn't write that paper. You know that guy. That's that guy's paper. And they're like, you got to go in that room. I was like, as I go to the room and they're going through my bag, and I just have to sit there. They're like, we'll call you after we're done looking through your bag. And then they asked me the questions again. They're like, what are you doing here again? And I was like, well, ask your boy. I already told him. I told the lady before him, you know, and they're like, all right, all right. Go ahead. And, bro, they hassled me so much, I wanted to immigrate there out of spite. I wanted to go live there illegally.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Residency?

[Marty]

Yeah. Not even.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, just illegal.

[Marty]

I don't even want to pay. I don't know if they pay taxes or not, but I don't even want to pay taxes in your goddamn country.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's sad. We don't even know if they pay taxes. Wouldn't it be unfair? But you guys don't pay and you have free health care. This. I'm leaving.

[Marty]

But I heard their health care sucks. Like most free things in life, there's always a catch.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They just. I think you're sick. You got a flu.

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah. This doctor visit is free, but you gotta wait three hours. There's no appointment time. You know, you just show up, wait in line. I bet. I don't know. I'm just.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I've done that as a kid.

[Marty]

So look, 90 of the stuff I'm saying up here, I'm just making up, so it's okay.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's usually how I work with life. Yeah, that's usually what happens, man.

[Marty]

I'm like, I think, yo, but look up that inauguration, all right?

[Jaime]

I didn't see Canada sending any help for the fires like Mexico. Am I right?

[Marty]

Canada didn't send no help for the fires.

[Jaime]

That's what I'm saying.

[Marty]

We should light them on fire just because they didn't help us out.

[Ralph Barbosa]

South park, bigger, longer, uncut war of Canada.

[Marty]

War on Canada.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what's coming soon. And we're just gonna win. They're all just cold and nice.

[Marty]

It's very beautiful country, Canada, by the way. We should light them on fire.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I like their oceanside.

[Marty]

I like them on fire. I do.

[Jaime]

Which one would you rather have, Canada or Mexico? Add one on.

[Marty]

I can only have one. What do you mean? Like, the other one gets destroyed?

[Jaime]

No, like, we're gonna take over one. Like, how we're talking about taking over Canada, basically.

[Marty]

I take over Canada for sure. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Mexico's gonna be here anyway.

[Jaime]

Most of Canada's frozen, though. You got to consider that one time.

[Marty]

One time when I first performed in Canada, I was like, I'm gonna say a joke. And if they laugh at this joke, it's a funny joke. And they're humble people. If they clap at this joke, they really are stuck up and they think they're superior to us. I said, hey, Canada. I was like, you know, the US And Canada, we're not that different. I keep looking for differences to make fun of, but we're not that different. I said, the only difference between Canada and the U. S. Is I feel like Canada is America's cousin who reads, who's, like, into books, you know? And they started clapping. When they started clapping.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I was like.

[Marty]

You really believe it, don't you?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Were waiting for someone to say that we.

[Marty]

We contracted Oppenheimer.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What the.

[Marty]

Do you remember that?

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, I didn't know that.

[Marty]

I saw that movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I saw the movie. I was like that blow up.

[Marty]

The guy was a genius. And you know who found him? We did. We're maybe we're, you know, the best.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Recruiters in the world.

[Marty]

I was thinking about that too. During that inauguration, Trump was like, yo, we split the atom. We're a great country. And he's like, german scientist, wasn't it? Yeah, it was Oppenheimer.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, it was Oppenheimer. Okay.

[Marty]

He split the ad with a lot.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Of other scientists from Germany that escaped the war.

[Marty]

God. God knows how many scientists were involved on there. They all had accents. I don't know where they're all coming from. They were like, open, help me with this.

[Ralph Barbosa]

One had a Portuguese accent.

[Marty]

One of them was like, the uk. The one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Anyway, yo, Albert Einstein looked cool.

[Marty]

Albert Einstein? Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's like, damn, you look just like I thought, man. Good job.

[Marty]

All I'm saying is, like, sometimes the smartest guy in the room is not the guy who can split the atom, but the guy who can book the.

[Jaime]

Guy who can take credit for it.

[Marty]

Yeah, I like that. Take that, Canada.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo, let me. What have we done as a country? What? What did we do? What is America's stamp? We fled. We fled from the uk, Made the hot dog. All right, there we go. There we have some contribution.

[Marty]

That might have been Germany too.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Actually, I don't know if it was a Frankfurter.

[Marty]

The.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It probably is Germany. Dude.

[Jaime]

Hot dogs.

[Marty]

I'll tell you what. This. This will always be the greatest creation of all time. America is the melting pot. We made the melting pot, baby.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's true.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We made it safe for everyone. Like, yo, jump each other, but not them.

[Marty]

Maybe we didn't make it safe, but we definitely made it fun.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. We made the only GTA server in the world.

[Marty]

We're like the greatest food court of all time.

[Jaime]

Wow.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And there's no Sabaros. That's the only problem. Where's the Borrows at?

[Marty]

What happened? What is happening to those? Where'd they go?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't know, man.

[Jaime]

Hold up. I went the other day.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Where?

[Marty]

Where is it?

[Jaime]

In the Santa Ana Mall.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I just gotta go where all the nice people are.

[Marty]

I bet you they got a Quiznos in there too.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Damn Quizzles puts on mayonnaise and then puts in the oven. I don't with Quiznos. You know, mayonnaise on and then they throw it in the oven.

[Marty]

I haven't been to Quizzles in a long time. I can't find those either.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They're across you from my high school one.

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You had to throw in on a sandwich. That shit's like $9. Remember that?

[Marty]

For real?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I could afford crystals. The subway.

[Marty]

It was okay.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hell, yeah. Growing up as a kid, did you. Did you have off campus as a kid? Were you allowed to leave?

[Marty]

No, bro. One time this girl was running across the street and a car hit her. Yeah, she it up for everybody because she didn't know how to look both ways. They're like, nobody leaves the school no more. It's like, God damn it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, so you could. Up to that point?

[Marty]

No, the year before I got to high school, they stopped doing that because the year before I got this was.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She.

[Marty]

Dummy got too excited. Third. Third graders know story of Icarus. She's Icarus. Or the Icarus's son. Is it. Is it Icarus? I might be getting this.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You are? I'm so. I'm so confused.

[Jaime]

You're saying this confidently.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, yeah, he said it. He said, like the Headless Horseman.

[Jaime]

The story of Icarus.

[Marty]

There's a story of this dude. It's like one of those Greek mythology stories.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hit by a car.

[Marty]

So there's. All right, so first off, let me tell you the story of the girl, right? There's a Jack in the Box across the street from my high school. I love Jack in the Box. All through middle school, I'm like, I can't wait to be in high school so that on my lunch breaks, I can go across the street, Jack in the Box. Well, I don't. I'm not the only one who shares this love and excitement. So apparently there's this girl who, you know, she's a freshman or something. I'm still in the eighth grade. I'm not at high school yet. This girl is just running to the Jack in the Box. I don't know if it was for the tacos, back then, there were still two for 99 cents. I would have ran for that. Maybe she was running there to meet her date. I don't know. I don't know what was going on, but all I know is she ran across the street. She gets hit by a car. After that, my high school's like, no more. You know, It's a good freedom, bro. It's such a freedom to have food like that. Right across for lunch, right? Let me tell you the story of Icarus. Now, which might be Icarus. I don't know. I can't remember the name.

[Ralph Barbosa]

E. Call me.

[Marty]

Call me. It might have been with an eye. Anyway, this is old dude who. His name might or might not have Been Icarus, him and his son. I don't know why or how, but they end up getting locked up, right? And it may. Maybe it was wrong. I don't know. Not my business. I wasn't there at the trial. This is back in ancient Greece, ancient Roman times. I don't know. They're locked up, the father and son, and somehow I think they give them, like, pillows, or somehow they end up being able to collect feathers. Maybe like birds that land on their. Their little stoop with the bars. I don't remember how, but they end up collecting feathers. And it takes them a long time, and they collect all these feathers and they build wings so that they could jump off the roof of the jail they're locked up at through the window and fly home. And it works, bro. It works. They're flying and. And the son is like a teenager, you know, Teenagers. They don't listen, these crazy kids. He tells his son, he's like, hey, don't fly too close to the ocean because you won't be able to pick up enough wind, and you'll fall and you'll drown. Like, we've got a lot of distance to cover here to fly home, you know? And he's like, don't fly too close to the sun because the feathers will, like, get too hot and they'll fall off or something. I don't know why. It's a story about staying humble, staying in the middle, you know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

In your own land.

[Marty]

But the sun was like, bro, I'm flying right now. I'm like, I don't got to listen to you. I'm flying, flying. He's like, d and this. And his dad, as they're flying, his dad's like, like, hey, chill, Icarus. Maybe the sun was Icarus. I don't know. He's like, chill the out, bro. Like, you're gonna. You know? And he ends up messing up his wings. He was too close to the sun, and. And his wings fall off and falls into the ocean.

[Jaime]

We got a photo right here, actually.

[Marty]

Look at it. Look at them.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The fact that you didn't make that up right now makes me laugh even more. These are flying with wings?

[Marty]

Yeah, they made the wings. Maybe. Maybe God. Maybe God gave him the wings as a son.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't know if this is a son father thing.

[Marty]

I watched the cartoon version of this, okay?

[Ralph Barbosa]

The Cartoon Network version.

[Marty]

Hold on.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He falls and what happens?

[Marty]

Son dies.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He couldn't have went and swooped and got his ass like Spider Man.

[Jaime]

Lesson learned.

[Marty]

I told you Anyway, that girl. I'm not making this up. That girl that got hit by the car. So her name was like, Emily, but her middle name was Icarus. No, I'm playing. That's not true.

[Ralph Barbosa]

But she. Who would do that? Emily. Icarus.

[Marty]

Imagine your baby just being born. He's like, he's going to up in life. I'll name him.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Let me name him this.

[Marty]

This little arrogant piece of.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got. I got. I got a. A cousin. I got a cousin named Is. I'm going to say it. So I wrote this thing down like, you think your family is stupid, Mike. You and my cousin named his child. I'm sorry. It's just funny. He named his son Ethan Covey, middle name Kobe. I'm like, for. What does Kobe mean? He goes, kovid. I had him during COVID I'm like, are you.

[Marty]

Why? What is it about the COVID times that you were just like, I always want to remember this era.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, not Covet. Covey. It goes. You know those.

[Marty]

Like this cue.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. You know those parents that go first in middle, they call their son first in middle. Jonathan something. Ethan Covey. In the store, I just hear him yell, Kobe.

[Jaime]

Kobe.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Kobe. For real, dude.

[Marty]

But his first name is Ethan.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, but they don't just say Ethan. What?

[Marty]

He's in trouble. He's like, he's COVID 19.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, exactly.

[Marty]

You get in your room right now, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I told Marty's like, I'm gonna name my first son Tower 2 just to match his ass. And every time he's up, like, you couldn't withstand the heat. Oh, he couldn't handle the fire.

[Marty]

If I had a son today, I would name him Trump 2 Electric Boogaloo. Trump's back, baby.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I forgot you're from Texas. You're from Texas, where it's okay to say Trump back, baby, Cuz over here like that, bro.

[Marty]

You could say it wherever you. I mean, you're going to get weird reactions wherever you go.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I think Texas is more of like the home base. Tap, tap. You're good.

[Marty]

I support any president who's in the office, though. When Biden got in, I was like, yo, Sleepy's back.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sleepy.

[Marty]

I just wanted to piss off whoever was against him, you know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Honestly, man, I could give a. As long as the country doesn't burn to the ground. Oh, it is. LA just burned to the ground. All of this is gone on this map.

[Marty]

I don't care who's president, man. If I'm a win, it's on me. If I'm gonna lose, it's on me. The country's never that different. That's why, like, whenever people are like, super supportive of a president, I'm like, bro, like, take the out. Like, calm down. The country's never like, whether it's Trump, whether if it's Biden, like, this is gonna sound cocky, but I'm gonna win regardless.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Or no matter who's doing or lose.

[Marty]

Or I'ma lose regardless. It's never that different.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't go and pay my rent. God, I wish this was a different president right now. I've never done that in my life.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So it doesn't really affect anything except the gas is high. Who's the president? That's the only time I think about it, I swear.

[Marty]

I like to sit back and spectate watch a little bit Smart.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I like watching people that I know in person show me that they're stupid by caring so much that they're like, I have a friend that we got into a 90 minute argument and I go do this. Tell me why the Kamala Harris chick is cool without talking about Donald Trump. And he couldn't do my. Just to have a conversation. He's a rapist. Oh my God, just say why. She's good. She's a woman. Like, ah. That's why I don't like politics, man.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, yo, Brett Favre, he throws good. Done. I can like him. That's it. I don't have to give a about anything else, dude. But yeah, I've had a. I've had some arguments with people really open my eyes like, oh, you care? I don't even care about football.

[Marty]

Like, I also like to listen to why people like one thing or the other. Because I do learn a few things.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

Learn a lot about my own country. But no matter what I learn, I don't care.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Right.

[Marty]

Do you here for a short time.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I always feel kind of dumb saying that. And I go, actually, I don't give a. And I go, that's why I'm happy, because I don't give a. Dude.

[Marty]

I care about little stuff in life though. Like there are little times where I'm like, damn, maybe I should vote. Like when 99 cent bags of hot fries went up to like 1.99 and then 2.99, I was like, what's going on, man?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Where's my local legislative government?

[Marty]

Somebody?

[Ralph Barbosa]

What happened to this world when Arizona saves 99 cents but they're a dollar fifty now, bro.

[Marty]

When that happens, I'm like, I need to learn what the branches of Government are legislative, judicial. Arizona. Arizona T. We need to dump a bunch of cans of Arizona tea into the ocean. You remember when they did that in Boston all those years ago, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Boston Tea Party.

[Marty]

Okay, no, hold on. This brings up another thing I want to talk about, bro. Because, Marty, you know what white people get to get a lot of, bro? Every time we talk about history and we talk about white people's history, everybody's mad at white people for this and that. But y'all did some cool, too, man. And we need to bring that up. Let me tell you something. Here's another little.

[Jaime]

Thank you.

[Marty]

Appreciate this history class with Ralph, for those of y'all who maybe are a little uneducated, maybe they didn't care to tell you this story. So let me just.

[Jaime]

Everybody, listen up.

[Marty]

So back. Way, way back, right? Long time ago when America was first kind of getting started out. Some 13 colonies type.

[Jaime]

We were taking over.

[Marty]

Yeah. So, you know, America's, like, tired of Britain, tired of the U.K. you know, we're not Great Britain. We're America. Right? Everybody's just hanging out one day, and in Boston, on one cold Boston night, bunch of guys get out from work, they get their paycheck, and Britain was up to something. They were up to something, and they weren't being representative about it. So one day, these guys in Boston, they get out of work, and they get their check, and they're like, you mean this? Gross. And then, net. They were getting taxed without representation, and they. Well, they lost it. They lost it. They took all the tea. I don't know why the tea, exactly. Maybe they were taxing the tea. The most import is an import. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

From England. That's where they drink all day.

[Marty]

England was taxing Boston in the. In the thirteen Colonies, and they were sending tea, and they were taxing the tea. So. Bro. So they got mad and they dumped all the tea, bro. They dumped all the tea into the ocean. The ocean was brown. Used to be blue, now it's brown. Britain hears about this, and they're like, oi. They did what? Now? War breaks out. Next thing you know, we're free.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Your British accent mixed with your Spanish accent. Sound like a Canadian. Hey, it was crazy. Yeah. No, we left, and then we still got taxed. It's kind of like a Britain, let us go. And then they're like, by the way, we're gonna tax you later. It's kind of like if you break up with a girlfriend, she's with another dude for years. You're like. But you still have to have sex with me sometimes that's a little bit child support. That's a tax.

[Jaime]

That's alimony.

[Marty]

Yeah, well, you said Just sounds badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I know it's been four years. You got a kid.

[Marty]

But I gotta pay my dues, baby.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sexation and representation.

[Marty]

Sexation and representation.

[Jaime]

American dream.

[Ralph Barbosa]

There we go.

[Marty]

American woman.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You smoking still?

[Marty]

But I haven't smoked in, like, two weeks for a reason, so I just haven't felt like it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Nice.

[Marty]

Yeah. Also, my dad's been hanging out. You know, I don't want to smoke with my. My dad around.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, okay. Okay. All right.

[Marty]

I get that. But no, I just haven't felt much like smoking the table here, man.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, that's. That's cool. I mean, I told Marty right when I started this year, I was like, I need to stop smoking so much because I did the. With Ken Flores. I did the Brea Improv. Couldn't breathe. I'm out there laughing like I'm fat already and trying to breathe. And remember for the first time, I was like, I can't smoke this much. I smell like a half ounce a day at least. It's not good.

[Marty]

Maybe if you're gonna do stand up, slow it down.

[Ralph Barbosa]

But that's what I was telling. My God, I can't breathe. I gotta slow down bad.

[Marty]

I was going to tell you should smoke more, bro. Looking like a out there. Everybody's been talking about it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You check your nails, as you say, judging you.

[Jaime]

That's no secret.

[Marty]

I mean, it's body language. I got to throw the most judgmental body language at you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That is a judgmental body language thing for sure. Or like this. That's the old grandma thing.

[Marty]

Honestly, people have been saying stuff about you not smoking enough.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got a couple DMS this morning.

[Marty]

They're like, you're doing dope, as usual. I remember when that guy used to smoke.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what they said this morning, too. Wait, since the last time we saw you, you went from, like, a car. Car worker looking Mexican guy, and now you have hair. Now you look like, a little. You look a little different, man. You look eight years younger.

[Marty]

Oh, thank you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

I'm just gonna say I just gave up on haircuts.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're a barber, man.

[Marty]

I just.

[Jaime]

Was a barber.

[Marty]

Was a barber.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Your shirt literally says barber.

[Marty]

Hey, shut up.

[Ralph Barbosa]

But spelled in French word. I never had one.

[Marty]

Never had a beignet.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No. I saw Gordon Ramsay talk about how they're the last night on YouTube. I'm like, I never had one of.

[Marty]

These hey, go to New Orleans. There's some place never been.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's where he was last night saying how good they were.

[Marty]

Actually, there's like, a famous beignet place, and their frozen coffee is just like.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'll drink coffee. This fool loves that.

[Marty]

I don't even drink coffee. But that frozen one, you know, ice.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Cream, like you're licking it, like.

[Marty]

No, like ice coffee, slushy type, you know? No. Okay. Don't look at me like that, because it's making me feel like I'm getting it wrong.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No. Does it look like the Slurpees, the Coke Slurpees, the Coca Cola?

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

All right. That's what I'm imagining.

[Marty]

All right. Yeah, there we go. All right. Make that look again. Look at me.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's doing this, bro.

[Marty]

It's a. They make. I don't know what is the place is called, though, man. But if you go to New Orleans and you're like, smell it out. Yeah, yeah. If you go to New Orleans and you ask people like, what's that famous?

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's on the corner, you know, with the beads.

[Marty]

No, no, not a corner. Don't say that. Oh, they don't like that. They don't, you know, ask around. You'll figure it out.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'm just gonna ask around to hear a bunch of Bobby Boucher's coaches.

[Marty]

What you want to do over and.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Over and over and over again?

[Marty]

You know who's my favorite character on On Water Boy is his dad.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Roberto.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Don't be stupid, dummy.

[Marty]

Like the hell was cool. Don't be.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Don't be, like, Tackle wasn't his daddy. I love that movie so much, man. It's truly great. And it made me love the big show even more watching that movie. Oh, yeah.

[Marty]

But it made me do impressions on stage last night. I was running out of jokes, man. Oh, I told her. I up. I told the audience. I was like, yo, we just filmed a Hulu special last night, and so I need to form a new hour of jokes. So this show, like, I tricked you guys. I was like, I actually brought you to give me ideas, and we're gonna write jokes together. I was like, come on, throw something at me. And one guy was like, do a Rocky impression. And I was like, all right, all right, I'll do Rocky. But you have to, like, I have to be Rocky somewhere else.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, yeah. Rocky at the dmv.

[Marty]

And so they're like, rocky at the strip club. I was like, hey, yo, you know you got a nice ass there. You know, don't forget, though, you got a lot of heart, too. Is that the best Rocky impression?

[Ralph Barbosa]

The words are there, man.

[Marty]

I was like, you know, I used to be down on my look, too. I couldn't shake no ass, but I could do other things, you know, like.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Rocky at the strip club. Huh? Who else would be great? I want to see Dr. Evil at the strip club.

[Marty]

Doctor. I like this one. I did. Did this one on stage. I've actually practiced this one before going on. It's not awesome. You remember Rocky's trainer, Mickey?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Of course.

[Marty]

This is Mickey. If he had been cast for the role of Bane in the Dark Knight Rises. Yeah, he's like, you think darkness is. Yeah, like it. I was born in the dark, molded by it. I didn't see the light until I was already a man. By then, there was nothing to me but blinding.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Get the out.

[Marty]

You came back to die with your city.

[Ralph Barbosa]

How the. Do you remember the whole Bane part? That talks like an Englishman.

[Marty]

I don't know. Bane was badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, he was cool. But Tom Hardy played Bane. Didn't you think Venom was going to be way more sick?

[Marty]

Nah. I like, like. I like. I like the Venom movie, but I didn't even watch all of them. I just. Bro, it's so upsetting to me that, like, all right, we got Venom. We got Carnage. But what is Venom and Carnage with no Spider Man?

[Ralph Barbosa]

True.

[Marty]

You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not even make an appearance in that.

[Marty]

Ah. I want to see, like, a badass Spider man movie. And Venom is the villain. And then Spider Man 2, it's him having to fight Carnage and. And Venom. And then him and Venom teaming up to defeat Carnage. Like, I want to see some real Spider man struggles here. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Or like, Spider man at the grocery store. I want to see. I want to see the Hulk be a DMV instructor, a driving instructor. I want to see regular.

[Marty]

You want to see that? They kind of showed that when. That Avengers one. I hated that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't watch that.

[Marty]

I saw in. In one of the Avengers movies. Hulk is, like, stuck being Hulk, but he's, like, nice. And he's, like, signing autographs and taking pictures.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I didn't see that. That sounds. That's right.

[Marty]

You like that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I want to see the Hulk pay his electricity bill and just get. And he can't type the. I want to see the struggle.

[Marty]

Go watch.

[Jaime]

Get frustrated on customer service calls.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Exactly.

[Marty]

Go watch that. What is, like, Infinity War? End game. One of those.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I only saw everybody Died?

[Marty]

No, that's the one right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Where everybody turns into dust like Jumanji and.

[Marty]

What are you. What are you talking. That's. I don't know. That did happen in one of those.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yes. See, man, I don't know, dude.

[Marty]

Well, the one after that, Hulk is like, he's.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I thought they all died.

[Marty]

Hulk never died. Half of them died. 50% of Earth's population was gone.

[Ralph Barbosa]

In that other movie when Ant man.

[Marty]

Was stuck in the quantum realm, actually.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Thank you.

[Marty]

You know what? I was. This is always kind of funny to me. If you watch, if you watch those movies, I can't remember which one it is. Cuz they all jump. They all mix in after a while. You know Ant man, the guy who helps him go into like the quando.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Michael Pina.

[Marty]

Michael P. No, no, no, no, no.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The Mexican dude.

[Marty]

No, no, let's take the old guy. It's like Ant Man's girl. Her dad.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't remember.

[Marty]

Anyway, it's his old guy and it's played by a man. I can't remember the actor's name. Name. His wife. That actor, right? In the character. His wife also gets stuck in the quantum realm since like the 80s or something or the 90s. She's been in, oh, that's right, 30 years. And then she finally comes out and it's Michelle Feifer, right? And at the end of that movie, during the after credit scene, I think it's when Ant man gets stuck in the quantum realm, the after credit scene, it's like, it's Michael Douglas, I believe, and Michelle Pfeiffer. And Michael Douglas is, you know, he's got his wife back now and they're. They're working again. And he's like, I used to have my face on every billboard in this city. Like now look what I have to deal with. And I just think it's crazy that his wife just came out of the Quantum realm after 30 years and he's complaining. You know, this lady's like, buddy, you think you got problems? My best friend was like a micro germ for the last 30 years. You know what I mean? How dare he complain to his wife. This is been.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I get it. But also, he's like, but you also didn't have to deal with any bills or any. Or holidays with your parents.

[Marty]

That's true. She didn't have to pay taxes.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, she had to pay taxes or rent or nothing.

[Marty]

Bro, If I'm the IRS, I'm finding this.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Bro, 30 years.

[Marty]

You owe us money for real, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

England. That's the English version. They just tax all the people.

[Marty]

You can never tax the quantum realm. You could try, but you'll never do it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, I just watched that movie Interstellar. Have you seen that?

[Marty]

I love that movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just watched it.

[Marty]

I do lines from that movie now.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No. Oh.

[Marty]

Oh.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I thought you. Never mind.

[Jaime]

I was like, what the.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They didn't do drugs in that movie, dude.

[Marty]

I rented the wrong one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You rented the wrong one? What was. Oh, I got a story for you that. You got a story back when you used to rent videos from the store and have to pay for that and, like, bring it back rewound. You ever seen the movie Very Bad Things with Christian Slater?

[Marty]

No. All right, I need to watch that. Can I type that down real quick, please?

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's Very Bad Things. Cameron Diaz is in it. I think Jeremy Piven or John Farva. I can't remember. Well, a bunch of these fools are in it, right?

[Marty]

Very Bad Things. Maybe Cameron Diaz.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, Cameron D. Is in it for sure. That one right there. Christian Slater. All that.

[Marty]

Which one's Christian Slater?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Christian Slater is the interview from Interview for Vampire. The guy that interviews him. That's the saddest.

[Marty]

I saw that movie, but I remember the guy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't know why. That's what I gave you. Gleaming the cube. What else has this been in? He's been in Very Bad Things.

[Marty]

I'll check that out. Very Bad Things.

[Ralph Barbosa]

All right, so ready? Me and my mom and my sister go to rent this video because I'm like, yo, we should watch that movie. Just came out. I was like, seven. We go up to the front, you know, Remember the. The curtain? Like, oh, there's porn back there. Remember the tape? Do you remember that? There used to be a.

[Marty]

They had that at Blockbuster.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, no, it's not Blockbuster, man.

[Marty]

No, I didn't go to that store. No, I went to.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's like a local radio store.

[Marty]

Anyway, okay, okay.

[Ralph Barbosa]

When you go, like, oh, 18 and older. Only like, oh, when you walk by, like, see if you can see through the crack. Just to see. Because you're like, what is that? I've never been back there. I was like, seven. So we go to the front. My mom's like, we want to rent the movie. Very Bad Things. And the guy's like, I got some bad. What?

[Marty]

I got some bad things for you weirdos.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He looked at my mom like, what? He goes, it's. You're gonna watch it together?

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And he's like, you want the. You know, it's adult. Like, it's pretty. It's very adult. And my mom's like, yeah, we're gonna watch it together. It's like, it's my kids, it's fine. And the guy, like, all grossed out. Like, kiss my mom the movie.

[Marty]

He's like, lady, I don't know how you parent, but God bless you. Good luck to you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I get home and there's just some lady getting banged in the intro. It was the very bad things, the porno. That's why he kept looking at my mom. Are you sure? Why would we want that movie, bro? He gave us with two children. Like, here's the porn that you want to watch with your kids.

[Marty]

What if that guy just sucks at owning a rental movie place?

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's why I shut down.

[Marty]

Like, we want to watch Iron Man. He's like, you sure?

[Ralph Barbosa]

For your kid, Every movie for real.

[Marty]

He just has the porn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He has the porn edition of every movie. Yo, that's a funny ass video. I have the porn for everything.

[Marty]

The guy's like, ever since I opened my rental movie store, I just lost faith in humanity. Like, you people are disgusting.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Everyone's a pedophile.

[Marty]

I can't believe the movies I have to rent out to you freaks.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo, dude, I'm telling you, when we came back and gave it to him, the look on his face almost like he did it on purpose. He laughed and went, I told you. She goes, it's a porno. I told you.

[Marty]

It was adult Cameron Diaz. Cameron Diaz.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It was so awkward. I just remember starting to go, weird intro. And then it's just this close up, like, what the fuck is thick?

[Marty]

Hold on, we'll get to it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, maybe. What was it like? The thing about bear attacks is you don't know when they're going to happen for real. That's. We. We waited. So. Yeah, that's the only time I've ever messed up a movie.

[Marty]

I went to a. Like, we'd always go to Blockbuster, but I do remember going to one family on Spot. My dad took us, but it was so like, man, it was a ghetto little spot. They had like three movies. Yeah, and one of them was Blood and Blood Out. That's how I got to watch that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Movie I just showed him last week.

[Marty]

Yeah, you like it? Who's your favorite character on Blood and Blood out, bro? The cop.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's your favorite. He's the weakest one, bro.

[Marty]

He, you know, it's crazy. Well, he's like the coolest one though.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, at the beginning, he's the.

[Marty]

Coolest, you know what's crazy, though, he's.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not even Mexican in real life. No.

[Marty]

In real life, he's like half white, half, like, Chilean or something.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, he's something else.

[Marty]

Yeah, but he's badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah. He's a.

[Marty]

He played as well. You know? He played as well when we're like, yeah, you damn right. Yeah. Yeah. You know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hell, yeah. I just don't. Like. We talked about this with. Right.

[Marty]

You don't like that he went to the military.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't. Like he shot me glow in the leg when he could have just missed. We talked about it every time we bring it up. Like, just go like this.

[Marty]

But he had. He had morals, the military. That's how you know that he truly changed when he went to the military is he knew he had to strike justice. You could have shot him in the dick. Could have been worse. That's important. I'm gonna tell you something right now. I'm a cop. Everybody gets shot in the dick.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Dick shots only.

[Marty]

Dick shots only. That'll teach him.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's true. Like robocop.

[Marty]

You bet. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He starts off shooting the guy right in the dick. He didn't need to, but he did.

[Marty]

The dick shouldn't have been speeding.

[Ralph Barbosa]

But what if she was a chick and she was just dresses? And he would have shot her dick off. RoboCop. He risked it. He. He was not woke at all. He's like, no, she's a woman for sure. I didn't even ask you.

[Marty]

You're a woman. I'm shooting you in the. In the foot. Because women wear high heels to, like, look good and stuff. Never gonna happen again. I'll shoot in one boob, one boo.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just one boo from the side.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So it doesn't go in and kill you. Just go, ah. Like when someone shoots himself in the cheek.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You see that video? That. Have you seen that video?

[Marty]

You're a woman. I'm shooting your ring finger off. Good.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Now there we go.

[Marty]

You'll never find love and you know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You can't if you can't ring.

[Marty]

I gotta write that down. There might be something.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No. Oh. So hold on. You finished your Hulu Special?

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

When's that come out?

[Marty]

Probably August. I'm not too sure.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Damn.

[Marty]

It comes out whenever you see the ads, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I get that, dude. But I was like, do you have a time whenever you see it posted, it's out. You.

[Marty]

I only speak the truth, you know, it ain't not lying over.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's super bowl time. If you're gonna bet with anybody make sure it's my bookie and use our code dope as usual. They're gonna match you up to a thousand dollars. Bet 999. And my bookie will bet 999 dollars also. Yes. If you bet 5 bucks, they bet 5 bucks, you automatically bet 10. Anything you bet up to a thousand, they're going to double it. Also, if you're not a football person, you're just like, I don't care about sports. What about my Boogie casino? It's a live casino. Marty and I played roulette. We did terrible last time, but the first time we smashed. It's called gambling. You're never going to know if you're going to do good risk free Thursdays. If you bet and lose, they'll give you your money right back. I thought it was AI. It's a real casino except you're virtually in there so you can actually feel like you're in Vegas in the comfort of your own home without cigarette smoke and a bunch of people bugging you. But if you like gaming and you don't want to go to the casino or you're kicked out of the casino like our friend og, maybe you can gamble online with my bookie casino. There's every single game you can think of. It's as if you went to the casino. So if you click the link below. Let's go right to our sponsors page. Click my bookie, go straight to it. Or in the code at the end when you're checking out dope as usual and that's going to get you up to thousand dollars matching. If you're going to bet, make sure it's with my bookie because you can bet anything, anytime, anywhere. What's up guys? Talking about one of our brand new sponsors and a sponsor I think every single one of you can benefit from. This is hygienic. Last week I talked about the simple soak. The simple soak. I've had my sovereignty soaking for two days. Last night I cleaned it out. Brand new. Shocking how good it works. Also, if you don't like simple soak and you're on the go, or maybe you're a dabber. They also have little tiny alcohol bottles. 99% alcohol in this little tiny bottle. Travel on the go. Well for all the dabbers, I have to buy alcohol everywhere I go because I can't take the bottle on the plane. These ones you could put in your check in, no problem. Every pearl grabber, every dabber, all the pills for the control towers, the beads they have every single thing you can think of on the website. I've gotten the baby bottle brushes. I've done every single thing you can do. I've done it all to keep my glass clean. But Hygienics offers you a cleaning pack. It actually comes with a rag, three to four different types of brushes. They have a brush that's a wire so you can get underneath and it just rotates in the piece. Pipe cleaner. Work like a charm. Simple soak. Work like a charm. The little alcohol bottles, it's alcohol. It's going to work. And if you use our code dope as usual at checkout, it's going to give you a free. A free box of Terp Titans. Shout out to you guys for supporting the brands that support us. We're super stoked about this sponsor. Thank you, Hygienics, for sponsoring the podcast. Back to the episode. You're not lying.

[Marty]

Was that guy's name Yogi Berra? He got. I think he was the guy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The baseball player. Yeah.

[Marty]

Wasn't he the one that got famous for saying. What's. How do you call it? When it's like a sentence that's just like quote, but not. That's not a quote. But he would say stuff like that. Like, it ain't over till his one liners. Yeah, but it's like stuff that's like. It's not clever. It's just true. Because it's true. You get what I'm saying?

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's just speaking. I don't know what it's like.

[Marty]

There's like a word.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, a saying.

[Marty]

Yeah, something like that. I don't know what it's called.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I think that might be it.

[Marty]

But it's like when you say, like, hey, you know the greatest things about the hats is that they go on your head. You know what I mean? I don't know, man. I'm not Yogi Bear, all right? Get out of my face. It might not even have been Yogi Bear.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It probably wasn't. But, you know, what about Yogi Bear? It might have been him.

[Marty]

Maybe.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Might have been that cartoon.

[Marty]

Might have been. What was his whole deal?

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's like, he's a bear that steals people's picnics.

[Marty]

He's wearing a tie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's wearing a tie with his dick out.

[Jaime]

Yeah, he's kind of a creeper.

[Marty]

Honestly, bro, that kind of made me, like cartoons. Like, that made me learn. Like, you can't judge a book by its cover. You can wear a tie, still be a piece of. That's What? Yogi Bear taught me.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. Rugrats taught me that you can do whatever you want with a screwdriver in your diaper.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Go on adventures.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Also, who the. Watching these kids.

[Marty]

They leave that house, they should have named that cartoon. CPS protocol.

[Ralph Barbosa]

CPS over here means a lot of different things.

[Marty]

What do you mean it means a lot of different things?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Caucasian people. Cool. Parents. Child protective services.

[Marty]

Caucasian people. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Marty does CPS things sometimes.

[Marty]

And I go, damn, you made that up.

[Jaime]

Segment.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's a segment we have. Marty went ziplining the other day and go, cps dude. I've never seen.

[Marty]

Oh, like white people.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

I thought you meant, like, you guys take shits. I'm like, we all do.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Caucasian people. Yeah. Dissect this.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Went to Mendocino Farms. As you can see.

[Marty]

I was like, maybe Marty has, like a. A. A charity. No. Maybe like, a charity to. That helps white people with, like, irritable bowel syndrome. I don't know. It could be Caucasian people.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what my Caucasian colitis association.

[Marty]

You got. You got to be careful with your tone of your speaking because you made me think. You didn't say it like, you know, Caucasian people.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's exactly what.

[Jaime]

No, that's Asian people.

[Marty]

That's how I said it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, Caucasian people.

[Marty]

You make it sound like, you know, like, hey, black lives matter. Caucasian people. Like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're right. I do need to watch the way.

[Marty]

I say, you gotta be careful out here in these streets.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I do. I know. Especially in my car, in these streets. Dude, I walk into my street to get my mail and back. I'm not trying to get robbed.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know where we live.

[Marty]

Careful what you say, bro. You just made me think that this guy has an organization. And.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, we. Do you think that back room's for also ziplining?

[Marty]

Come on. That's not white people. They do it. It's only done in other countries.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He did it here over concrete.

[Jaime]

Downtown Buffalo.

[Marty]

You're crazy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You see what I'm saying? I just.

[Marty]

I never see people zipline unless they're like, look, we were in Cabo.

[Jaime]

That is true.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, this is over the concrete boardwalk.

[Marty]

Damn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And so I was like, dude, if you fall, there's no jungle to save. Like Rambo1.

[Marty]

You would have scraped your knee bad, bro. Concrete. That speed. How fast were you going?

[Jaime]

Probably at least 10, 15 miles per hour.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, that's two scraped knees.

[Marty]

I don't know.

[Jaime]

It might have been. They should have put a Speedometer on us.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Soccer slide in the end.

[Marty]

Knees, elbows, you're done, bro.

[Jaime]

You go to helium. You'll see it. They got, like, abandoned silos, and they ran, like, a zip line in between them. It's pretty sick.

[Marty]

I'll go check it out. That's fun.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'll watch it.

[Marty]

I've always. Ever since I was a kid and I saw Spider Man, I'm like, I would love to cross distances, like, through the sky.

[Jaime]

Me, too.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, through the sky. I was like, that's how my grandparents got here. What? Couldn't get distance. What are you talking about? I don't know where you're going with this.

[Marty]

The coolest way to cross the distance. Zip line.

[Jaime]

They're not expecting that, actually.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Cannonball. That's a pretty cool.

[Marty]

Cannonball is badass, honestly. That's number one with some heelys.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And you land.

[Marty]

Boom. All right. Zip line takes number two, maybe three, depending if we could think of anything cooler. Cannonball takes number one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Slingshot. Oh, it's a cannonball.

[Marty]

Yeah. I would say flying could take number one if you could fly. Like, if you could levitate. But honestly, like, I think that would have to take second place because there's something cool about getting cannonballs, about being. Not being able to fly, but launching yourself. And just like, I'll figure landing. Yeah, that's cool.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's that score. Like those. Those bulldogs that get those fat skateboards. Land on that on the way out.

[Marty]

Hell, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

On your knee. Did you ever skate on your knee as a kid?

[Marty]

No.

[Ralph Barbosa]

One knee and push off. Hella fast.

[Marty]

I was horrible with skating. I loved watching skate videos and, like, I loved watching, like, Tony Hawk on TV and stuff. But when I tried to skate, I was. I was really bad at it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. It's only getting hurt.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So once I get hurt, go. Why do I do this? I was the next day. I still skate.

[Marty]

Jump on the skateboard. I just fall immediately. I'd go the wrong direction somehow. I don't even know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's all right. It's okay.

[Marty]

I'll learn it later. I'll do, like, Lil Wayne. I'll learn it later in life.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's not that bad. He's actually. Could do, I guess. I saw him do a heel flip. Not recently. 50. 50. He's.

[Marty]

He got into it, like, later in his life, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like 30 something years old. Yeah. He still did it. Yeah.

[Marty]

It's never too late to learn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's him right there. That's his name.

[Marty]

Yeah, that Terminator little figures Badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah. I got that for the antique store.

[Marty]

Best Terminator movie. One, two, three, go. Terminator 2. Oh, you like the first one the.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Best or most fun? Most fun's too, because he has a little fool in there.

[Marty]

What do you mean? Hold on.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The best one is number one. The most fun is number two, when he has the gun. He's with the kid.

[Marty]

But the fact down the street, the fact that that one is the most fun is what helps make it the best one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I think the best ones, I mean, to me, I still like number one.

[Marty]

What makes it the best one, because.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He'S the only time that he's the villain is part one. The other times he's the good guy.

[Marty]

All right, fair enough.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Right?

[Marty]

Yeah. That's cool.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's. I mean, that's how I thought it was.

[Marty]

Badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Because part two is the most fun. I had that little gun still.

[Marty]

Well, I love that one. It kind of gives you like a little Goku Vegeta action. It's like these two are from the same, like, place. They come from the same. They were made from the same place. And they're both these dangerous things, but they gotta battle it out.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's not about minorities. I can keep going.

[Marty]

I'm talking about minorities.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Dangerous, from the same place. But they gotta battle it out.

[Marty]

All I'm saying is.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What are you saying? What the was coming next?

[Marty]

Tired of Canada? God damn it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Me too. They don't give us nothing. No sports.

[Marty]

It was badass. The dude was a robot and the other dude was like a more advanced robot. And I. I don't know. I. I always respected the fact that. What is it called? Skynet.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Skynet. You mean Tesla?

[Marty]

Yeah, I always respected that they made the, like. It's like a plot hole. But it's also what makes the movie so cool, right? Terminator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Terminator. Can he do all this stuff? But they didn't build weapons into him. They could have just built like a built in laser shooter, but he still has to go like, let me see that Glock or something. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

The other guy turn into it.

[Marty]

Yeah. So the other guy couldn't turn into it though, either. But he's. He can't die. He can turn into anything.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Swords. Remember he stabbed.

[Marty]

He could do this Green Lantern, you know what I mean? He could have formed a hammer or whatever form the key. Like, so they have like the most advanced robot, like ever. And then they have this other robot that's like, well, he has to find the gun first. He's like this other robot is just like a. A super soldier.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're not wrong. I never thought about that.

[Marty]

You know what I mean? Makes it cool. It's such a plot hole in the movies. Like, who the is the head engineer at Skynet who's like this one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The black guy that can't breathe?

[Marty]

Yeah, that guy. This is like, all right, this one, I'm gonna teach him. He can learn a pump, a shotgun, and hopefully he can reload fast enough. But he won't be too fast. He'll be just.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Well, he's T100, he's T1000. I think that's why they're like advanced.

[Marty]

And these are the only two that were ever released.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're right. No. Oh, yeah, you're right. Damn. Where's the other hundreds?

[Marty]

What the.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're right. All the ones walking around is just his skeleton, so. Damn. I never thought about that.

[Marty]

But it's what makes that movie so badass. It's like a Spider man versus Venom. They're kind of within the same. They both got webs, but this is stronger. You know what I mean? It's like a Carnage Venom thing.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got it.

[Marty]

I don't know. It's. It's the best 1. Terminator 2. Out of all the Terminators.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. The rest of them are irrelevant though.

[Marty]

The first three and four. The first one's still badass. Three or four?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

Three or four. Yeah. It's not all that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

When I was a kid, when you start cutting his eye out.

[Marty]

Oh, I lost. Hell yeah. Oh, I like, I like in Terminator too. When he first goes into that bar and he's naked and he throws the guy and the guy lands on the grill, he's like, you know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Exactly. Just walking butt ass naked.

[Marty]

It was a horrible day for that guy that landed on the grill. You know, that guy woke up, he went to work.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He did land on the grill.

[Marty]

He was. He's just that. He was already at night. His day was over, bro. All he had to do was knock, knock, just give up the clothes, just not talk.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's a one second scene you just talked about, but you're not wrong. He did land straight on.

[Marty]

And you know, that guy went home before leaving. Like, he got off of work, he went home, and his girl was like, where are you going? Like going to the bars. Like, come on. Just stage like, God damn it, woman. I'm going to the bar. He's in there, just gets thrown on the grill.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Where's his movie? His whole lead up and he's like. At the end, he gets killed by a robot. Y'all think about that.

[Marty]

I just picture that guy. I don't know if Terminator killed him or not.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, he did die.

[Marty]

But I just picture that guy getting home, like naked and just burnt. He's like, I should have stayed home.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Also, you're never going to believe what happened. This foreigner came with no pants on through me.

[Marty]

He's like, germany, God damn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Exactly. But I think he was John. He spoke stupid or.

[Marty]

Where. Where is Arnold Schwarzenegger?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Austria.

[Marty]

Austria.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Austria. Which nobody knows where the that's at, except if you live there.

[Marty]

Goddamn Austrian came in the barn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, it's not Australian. You're not germ. Where the is Austria do you know? I don't. What do they got there besides Arnold Schwarzenegger?

[Marty]

You know what I like about Australia? Here's some more history for you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, let's go.

[Marty]

Australia was founded the first people that were living there that became the first ever Australians, they were sent there. They were criminals from Britain. From Great Britain, bro. From the uk. So they're just like.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's why they're so fun, because they're wild and crazy.

[Marty]

Yeah, because they were just a bunch of rebels. That's what that. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're seeing Mad Max. That's Australia.

[Marty]

I've never seen Mad Max, actually. No, no. I'm waiting until I hit my 30s, give myself stuff to do in my 30s.

[Ralph Barbosa]

All right, you know what? I'm gonna start planning like that when I'm 50. I'm gonna start beating people's asses.

[Jaime]

Put that on the camera.

[Marty]

Yeah, that's a little crazy. You're a bit of a menace.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, no. What if. I didn't mean to hit him? I just meant like in chess, I'm going start going to parks and just wrecking.

[Marty]

You like playing chess?

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, I'm trash.

[Marty]

Me too.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Checkers, though.

[Marty]

I like playing chess.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Double check.

[Marty]

Because I'm so trash though. Good, good chess players love a good match.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah. They beat me in three moves. But it's always so fun.

[Marty]

But I. I'm like, come on, let's play again.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

And I love asking them lots of questions, like, I can do this, right? You ask me that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I like annoying the. Out of people who's.

[Marty]

Who's really winning mentally here, you know? King me, they're playing. King me, they're playing chess. But in retrospect, they're playing checkers and I'm playing chess.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I always keep my horses.

[Marty]

Yeah, the knights they're knights. They're called nights. We don't.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The horses are called knights. No, they're not.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Are they?

[Marty]

They are.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, rook, learn how to play chess. The rook is the one that only goes this way, right?

[Marty]

I didn't know. I didn't know one of them was called the rook.

[Jaime]

Yeah, the one on the end is like a little light tower looking thing.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, so you know, you know that. Do you know how to play chess?

[Marty]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, your dad.

[Marty]

They can only go up and down and side to side. They can move an unlimited amount of moves.

[Jaime]

Yeah.

[Marty]

Now I remember this. See, I'll do that during chess and they'll get mad.

[Jaime]

Chess is gonna die. Other like are kids. How long till nobody knows how to play chess?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Can't even use.

[Marty]

I don't.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't know Remember phone numbers.

[Marty]

I don't know when. I don't know when I've won in chess.

[Ralph Barbosa]

In school when I was a kid, when I was like, made up the rules. I remember that like, yo, you can just goes through all of them, takes out three. I'm like, yeah, it does.

[Marty]

I. You remember Harry Potter, when they played chess?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've only seen that movie once. All of them. Once.

[Marty]

I haven't seen all of them. I saw like the first three.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, I've seen.

[Marty]

But like, I thought that was all of them. There's like seven, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I've seen three.

[Marty]

You saw three and you thought you saw all of them.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've seen to where they're not in puberty yet.

[Marty]

You didn't even. Puberty.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They didn't hit people like little boys.

[Marty]

Honestly. That is funner, right? Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And then after, it's like you got a little beard and deep voice moment.

[Marty]

Nah. And the first one, Harry Potter. And like, he has to be like on top of the like a giant chess piece. It's like a giant chessboard.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, that's right. And they're like human size. Correct.

[Marty]

Yeah. And he's like, I do remember that. Yeah. He's like Q1, you know, nights and. And then like, I don't know who's playing him. It's like a ghost.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's like a ghost. It probably is a ghost, right? It's online.

[Marty]

It's like the school also. There's so many hidden chambers and.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And trafficking. That's a. Trafficking in school.

[Marty]

It's. It is, bro. But it's like, I don't know what kind of. It kind of made me lose respect for the school. Like, what kind of school? Like Losing to this little kid. This is first year.

[Ralph Barbosa]

True. Huh? He would let that happen.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Send him home with his shitty parents.

[Marty]

What's his.

[Ralph Barbosa]

His Terminator parents? Same. Same kind of parents.

[Marty]

Terminator and Harry Potter should make a crossover movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Crossover where they just sell drugs. Cocus campus or whatever. And he gets bricks.

[Marty]

Harry Potter and. And Terminator and Sicario and. What's that guy's name? Benicio.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Benicio Del Toro.

[Marty]

He's like trying to kill Harry Potter.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I never seen Sicario.

[Marty]

But yeah. He's like. You know. He's like. And he's like a fed. He's like dea.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like that noise.

[Marty]

And so it's like Benicio's trying to kill Harry Potter. But Terminator has to protect them for the fate of Hogwarts. He's like leviosa.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo. That was pretty active. I will say you that. Yep. That all worked.

[Marty]

Right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

That'll work. And at the end it's just Terminator with Harry on his shoulder. Just like the Terminator.

[Jaime]

Now you could be the guy that does the voices during trailers.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's just like not even accurate. A fool.

[Marty]

I'll be like this summer. Is that all right? How's that?

[Ralph Barbosa]

You go like this summer.

[Marty]

You have to do that this summer. Get your wands out. Benicio Del Toro has no time for your magic. He's coming for justice. And guess who's here. What do you mean I'm a wizard? That's a horrible Harry Potter. Okay. Let's keep it going. Hold on. Hagrid. I. I don't want to put that up my butt. You want me to take it to who? To where? I. I don't think the. I don't think the government will be too happy about it. Hagrid. It's okay. Harry. I'm giving you help. Get on the chopper. We're gonna take these drugs to America. Yeah, that's pretty.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That was the whole movie.

[Marty]

Benicio Del Toro, he don't talk too much. So maybe he was just like, oh, you're not. I don't know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh. It's a silent movie.

[Marty]

It's a silent movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. You didn't know that?

[Marty]

They're just some black and white.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Real mad faces.

[Marty]

This summer come watch this summer, come watch Harry Potter. Terminator. Sicario. Terminator Potter too. Chamber of.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I like that.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. I think you should do that only on just that. Just take audience. Like. I don't do jokes no more. I just do voiceover.

[Jaime]

You should bring yourself out like that too. Just backstage.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Get ready for the coolest Guy you've.

[Marty]

Ever seen, strap into your seats for the worst show you've paid money for. And keep in mind, there are no refunds.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know who you just sounded like?

[Marty]

Optimus Prime.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Nope.

[Marty]

Had a baby with Scream. Thank you, Ghost Face Killer.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Thank you. You sounded like Scream, but in Scary Movie one. No. What are you doing? That was accurate.

[Marty]

He making popcorn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Killer, killer, Thriller. Remember, he starts rapping his cuts.

[Marty]

Everybody spill your guts.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo. You sounded pretty good.

[Marty]

All right.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That was pretty good, yo. Oh, no. You're young. Do you remember the movie? Not another teen movie.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Iron man before he was like, prestigious. Had a banana up his ass.

[Marty]

And that was Iron Man's Captain America.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sorry, Captain America before he was Prestigious.

[Marty]

He understood the assignment.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's a banana split turns up. He's like, in 10 years, I'm gonna be on the face of every magazine.

[Marty]

Nobody remember this, please, like, though kids will know me.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, he's Captain America, man. All right. So you. So you know. All right, if you can have it right now. Three superheroes on your team.

[Marty]

Batman, Iron Iron Man. Captain America.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Do you love rich guys at the beginning?

[Marty]

Well, it's not billionaires. Not because they're rich. It's because they're always the smart guys, and they learn from their mistakes. Iron man, in every movie, his suit is like. Every suit he builds has a new feature to deal with a problem that he dealt with, like in the previous movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

True.

[Marty]

You know what I'm saying? Like, if he pissed himself in the first movie, he made, like, a catheter. Catheter in the second. Batman. I grew up, like, really into Batman. And, like, if you read a lot of, like, the comics and. Or, like, just read about the history of Batman, there's always a story where, like, the Justice League. He has a way to kill every Justice League member in case they ever turn.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What a bad guy. But, hey, what's up, fool? Hey, I can kill you real quick. Don't worry. I got planned.

[Marty]

You don't trust. No. He's like, you're. If you're powerful enough to save the world, you're. You're also power. Powerful enough to be a threat to the world. So he has to find a way to neutralize you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's just rich.

[Marty]

He just rich. He's smart, bro. People don't. They always write him off. It's like, he's just rich. He's so rich. But he's. He's always the smartest guy around, and he has more willpower than most heroes, bro. Also, he's He's a little Republican with it, which is like, all right, chill out. But it is kind of cool that, like, all these heroes, they happen to, like, fall upon these superpowers. Spider man got bit. So he's just like, I should probably use this for good, you know, The Flash, he's like super fast. He's like, I should probably use this for good. I have a gift. I should be responsible with it. Batman is like, bro, I'mma get out there and put these hands on these people because they are acting a fool. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's got anger issues as a kid.

[Marty]

He's just sick in the head. What's your superpower?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'm pissed, rich and mad.

[Marty]

I'm pissed and I'm rich. And then that's it. They're like, bro, chill. He's like, I can never stop.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I have a cave.

[Marty]

Where's a cave?

[Ralph Barbosa]

We talk about this. Obviously, my favorite superhero, but he's also. He's also a rich guy. And we talked about this recently. His parents get killed in an alley, right?

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

As billionaires. Yeah. When they get picked up at the.

[Marty]

Front of the theater, they're humble.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They're humble. They want to walk through the darkness.

[Marty]

I never get picked up in front of comedy clubs in honor of Bruce Wayne.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Their names weren't on the marquee, though. Like, they just watched a movie and go, hey, let's walk. Walk our child through the. They don't got a gun, a knife, a security guard. They're billionaires.

[Marty]

You gotta remember, bro, this is like in the 40s.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, exactly. Where get robbed and never get solved. Yeah, well, the murders never get solved. I'd be more strapped back then.

[Marty]

That's. It was like a shortcut, you know, I. I met up Andrew Santino at. He played the. What is it called? The Chicago Theater. Is that what it's called? The big theater in Chicago? Chicago theater.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Let's call it that.

[Marty]

I don't know. Anyway, I walked out the alley.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're not with your child and wife.

[Marty]

Yeah, but another billionaire right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Now if someone.

[Marty]

A woman.

[Ralph Barbosa]

All right, but if Hulu hits you up and goes, hey, we're gonna give you a billion dollars bike. Cool. I'm not walking down the alley anymore.

[Marty]

I would. If I die, I die out of here. I'm a man of the people.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's got no self preservation at all. If I die, die, I don't give.

[Marty]

A. I got a little bit like if I'm. If I'm at a nightclub and we're having a good time. I can kind of see some people be like, oh, that's that comedian guy, you know? But I can also. Some people will look at me, and I'm like, I don't think he's recognized me as a comedian. I think he's recognized me as, like, like, amazing target. He might rob me when I leave this club.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've never been to a nightclub like that.

[Marty]

Huh. It's not like I'll look at people staring at me, and if there's one too many people that's staring, like, too much and they're not saying hi, like, because usually when they recognize you, they'll be like, oh, look at your picture, or something, you know? Yeah, cool. But they're staring at me too much, and they're not being friendly or something. I'm like, I'm gonna call an Uber, and I'm not even gonna tell my friends, and I'm gonna act like I'm going to the restroom, and I'm just gonna dip out of here.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So Irish accident. I like that.

[Marty]

Yeah, Irish accident keeps you alive.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not telling your homies is the best way, because once you see, you say, all right, man. Later. Now they start moving toward the door.

[Marty]

I'll take off, I'll get in the Uber, and then I'll text him. I'll be like, yo, I'm out, but I'll be gone already.

[Jaime]

You've been on the road basically the whole time since we've seen you, right? Yeah, all of 2024.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Jaime]

Was there any sketchy moments you had out there?

[Marty]

Yeah, like, often? No, not often. Just here and there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Get interrogated? Yeah, yeah, no, for sure.

[Marty]

I got some names. There's been little moments, man, where it's just like, you know, this dude's acting weird, but most of the time, for the most part, it's pretty safe, you know? I think the weirdest it's gotten, and I don't know if this could turn dangerous, but the weirdest has gotten is it's just like, drunk people who, like, find us or, like, run into us, and then they don't want to, like, leave. Like, last night, we went to a bar, and we all got a table, and it was just, like, a group of us. It was like, an empty bar, and this girl had already tried to rush into the green room, and my buddy had to, like, stop and be like, yo, calm down, drunk lady. And then she found us somehow. She, like, followed our Uber or something. And then she walks into the bar, and she tries to sit down next to us. And we're just like, oh. She's like, no, no, they invited me. And I'm like, who invited you? Which one of my crew invited you? She's like, hidden bathroom. Yeah, Everybody there was just like, no, someone called security. This lady's drug. Like, please leave, lady. Like, it's just like that or a dude. You know, when it's dude, it's a little weirder because the dude could be more aggressive. Sometimes he wants to, like, hug you or something. I was like, yo, get on me.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hug you and smell you.

[Marty]

And so, like. But that's. That's about it. Other than that, there was. There was these two girls in Austin. I feel like we're trying to set me up to get robbed. But they're made. They're making it obvious. They were real ghetto.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They were real ghetto. What was the first thing they said to you? You got any money?

[Marty]

It was just weird. So I was like, got cash?

[Jaime]

Got drugs?

[Ralph Barbosa]

For real? What do you have available?

[Marty]

They're like, where are we going? Where's your hotel? I was like, we're going. We're going to ihop. It. Is that ihop? And then they were, like, really pissed that we didn't meet him at ihop. It was a diversion, you know, which made me feel like they were gonna rob me at ihop. They were calling some guys to. To stop steal his flannel.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Do you have on you? You're on stage.

[Marty]

It's a French flannel.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. Oh, that's right. That's right.

[Marty]

Barber.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Canadian. French Canadian.

[Marty]

He's wearing Rob. Get him.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I want his hair. Bring some clippers.

[Jaime]

Last time you were here, you told basically one of the most intense bad trip stories of all time. On the road, in a hotel.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We've talked about it a few times, actually.

[Marty]

So actually, after that, after that trip, I remember thinking, like, I'm never gonna do this again. And like, a week later, I did shrooms again, and I had a good trip. And I kept. Yeah, I kept tripping after that. But there. What started happening was like, even if I would eat just like, a little bit or kind of a lot, I just kept having bad trips back to back to back, and so I stopped doing them. I haven't done mushrooms in, like, Man. It's been like six, seven months, maybe more because it just.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You had a good one.

[Marty]

Nah, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You said a week later. He's like, it was kind of a good trip.

[Marty]

No, no, no. Like, after that, the story I told.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You guys, after you told us the story you Went in eight strings right after.

[Marty]

No, no.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, my bad, my bad.

[Marty]

After that. After that time, I did wait like a week or two, and then I had a good one, and then I kept doing them after that. But eventually I hit this point where, like, bro, all my trips are turning bad, which kind of made me worry about, like, where's my mental state at if that's what's happening? So I just kind of. I don't know. I didn't feel like doing them, and I just eased off of them. And after that, I also haven't really felt like smoking much, but I've been drinking a little more, which is probably not good. Sometimes I'll drink, and it motivates me to eat healthier and work out the next day because I'm like, I drank too much. I better go do something.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I thought you meant drug talks. Like, no, I could.

[Marty]

I could do it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I used to. My friends like, no, we're all starting a business in high school. Oh, man talks.

[Marty]

My thing, though, is like, I never want to do anything when the sun is out. I won't drink during the day. I won't smoke during the day. I won't do anything. If I do anything, it's like, it has to be when God is asleep.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's not watching at night.

[Marty]

He's not watching at night for sure.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's where everybody gets robbed.

[Marty]

I don't know. The daylight just makes me feel guilty. I don't even like being out during the day, bro. I feel bad that I'm, like, out, basically.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You just don't go anywhere in the day? I like to sleep in. The day is basically if I'm.

[Marty]

If I'm out there in the day and, like, I accidentally, like, going to somebody's lane, and then they honk at me. I'm just like, I should have never left the house. I'm so sorry.

[Jaime]

I can't be out here with people. I'm sorry.

[Marty]

Yeah, I'm like, I'll come back later when you're asleep. I'd be like.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sneak into your home. I'll tuck you in real quick. Since the last time you've been here, though, you started your show.

[Marty]

What show?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Your podcast, the Fat Fish.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I was like, sitcom. I didn't start no sitcom.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, I would have said, hey, man. Remember when you started to sit?

[Marty]

Yeah. My buddy Jaime wanted to do it, man.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's your home you brought last time, right?

[Marty]

Yeah, he was here. Yeah. Yeah. Hi, man.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know.

[Marty]

You know what's crazy? I think Last time we were here, it might have been that time before doing your podcast, we did Bobby Lee's podcast, right? So me and Jaime grew up like big Bobby Lee fans. Jaime especially, because we watch mad TV a lot. We thought Bobby was hilarious. So when I got the chance to go on Tiger Belly, I told him. I was like, come with me so you can meet him. Because, you know, you're big Bobby Lee fan. And Bobby Lee just liked him. And he started, like, including them in the podcast.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I saw that random. I'm like, is that Ralph's homie on Tiger Belly? Like, six months ago? I told you. Isn't that the same dude that was hiding with us?

[Marty]

So then, like a week or two after we did that podcast, the producer from the podcast text me. He's like, can we get him his number? I was like, yeah. And I sent the number and Jaime was with me. We were like at some shopping outlets or something. I remember I grabbed him. I was like, bro, keep your phone on loud. I was like, they asked me for your number. Like, has to be something cool, you know? So Bobby asked him. He's like, yeah, do you want to come and just be like, an occasional kind of like, guest co host? And so he's like, yeah. So he starts going out, and then eventually he's just like the regular bro. He's. He's over here in la, like, like once a week at least, or twice a week or something to record episodes. Oh, yeah, that's badass.

[Jaime]

Awesome.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

When I saw, I go, I swear to God, that's the guy Ralph brought. That's Jaime. And that's how the name, like, that's.

[Marty]

What'S funny to me is watching people hate on Jaime. Because, like, why other comedians? Because, like, at that time, I had pushed Jaime to do stand up because I miss a big comedy nerd. Like, Jaime loves comedy, like, all sorts of comedians. And so I would always tell him, like, bro, do stand up. Do stand up. Like, I think you'd get good at it. And he's like, nah, I suck. I was like, everybody sucks at first, everybody. But, like, you know, you should do it. So he's doing stand up for like a month or two. And then Bobby Lee's like, yo, you know, tiger belly now. So people are kind of hating on it, but I'm telling people, like, it's two separate things, you know, like in stand up world, people. And people were hating them, hating on him in the standard world, too, like, from back home, because they were just like, the. I've Been doing stand up with Ralph since seven years ago, and this guy is on the road with him. Never did stand up in his life. But it's like, bro, he's. He's my best friend. Like, you can't.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's in the same category.

[Marty]

Yeah, it's not, bro. I was like. And plus, in the standard world, it's not like. I'm not trying to hate on my buddy here, but it's not like he's a great comedian. He's where he should be for, like, now. It's been, like a year and a half. It's like, where he should be. He's still working at it, but in the podcast world, that was all him. He just happened to meet Bobby, and I didn't understand the world. I can help Jaime with a joke here and there. Like, yeah, bro, let's figure this joke out. Like, in the. In the podcast world, I mean, it was just himself, and it just worked, bro. Which is why I like bringing them places with me. I'm like, yo, look at this guy. Like, you know, like, I think Jaime is hilarious. To me, he's the funniest dude on earth. So, like, I like bringing them into rooms with me. And sometimes he shines and sometimes he doesn't, but I like to put him in the spotlight, and I'm like, I'm. Do that thing you do. Sometimes he just. It's just himself, bro. It's crazy.

[Jaime]

How long have you guys known each other?

[Marty]

I've known him since I was, like, 10 or nine.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah?

[Marty]

Yeah. We grew up on the same street. Our moms, you know, they still live, like, across the street from each other and. Sick. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't realize that because when he was here, I don't think he said one word.

[Marty]

Yeah, he was just like, okay. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So when I saw him, like, this fool's talking. When I saw him on the podcast, I was like. And it wasn't with you? I saw an episode where it's just. It was just him. And then that. The girl that sits in the back, and I don't remember her name.

[Marty]

I'm sorry.

[Ralph Barbosa]

My bad.

[Marty]

There's Kalila. I know she's there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, no, no, no. Like, the. Like, it's. I think it's her cousin.

[Marty]

Her niece or her niece.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that.

[Marty]

Jules. Jules. Jules.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, that I saw. And I saw him. Like, I swear to God, that's him. All right. So you cleared it up? Yeah, yeah, it was him. Good dude.

[Marty]

But he's the one that convinced me, like, he's like, let's start our own podcast. Let's do it. And we call it the Fatfish Podcast. Because when we were. We were kids, you know, like, me and Jaime would hang out every day after school, but on weekends, he was never free because his parents owned a Marisco spot, this little seafood restaurant. So he'd have to go and, like, work there as a kid. And he'd be like, hey, my parents said, if you want to come work. And she's like, yeah. And they told my grandma. My grandma was like, you need to go. You need to go. She's like, you're 11 now. You're a man.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, you're 11 pay taxes.

[Marty]

Yeah. So for like, 20 bucks a day, me and Jaime would just be washing dishes all day.

[Ralph Barbosa]

20 bucks a day at 11 is so much money.

[Marty]

But free food. And then they give top of it. Yeah. They give us three quarters to go next door to the supermarket to play the racing games, like Fast and Furious. And so, yeah, Benefit six setup.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hell, yeah. That benefits only benefits.

[Marty]

But anyway, the name of the restaurant was called El Fat Fell Fish.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, that's why.

[Marty]

So we named it the Fatfish Podcast.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I gotta be honest, I thought you're being kind of a dick because you put his face and you put the word fat by it, and then you put your face and put the word face.

[Marty]

I didn't even make that logo.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I was like, just calling him straight, just fat. Jesus Christ.

[Marty]

Somebody else made that logo for us.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You both agreed, so it's fine. I just saw him like, damn, that's kind of up.

[Marty]

But funny, the only thing I told Jaime, I was like, I. I hope people don't think that we're trying to, like, rip off Tiger belly in any way because it's an animal or a creature at all. So I was just like, I just want people to not.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I didn't even think about, like, that.

[Marty]

So it's like, tiger belly fat.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I would have found that if I. If I connected, I would have said it right away, but I didn't think of that at all.

[Marty]

But now we just. We had a rest. Well, they had a restaurant called Del Fat Fish.

[Jaime]

No, it's hard to, like, do consistent episodes while you're on the road all the time.

[Marty]

It is. We had, like, three episodes lined up for, like, like two weeks ago, and I ended up just. I kept booking shows in Chicago, so I was supposed to be in Chicago, like, two days, and it turned into, like, nine days.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh.

[Marty]

So, like, stuff like that. And I'm Always gonna. I told Jaime, I was like, well, I'm always gonna choose stand up over the podcast.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, it's your career.

[Marty]

Yeah. So, like. But yeah, it's been fun, man. I do like it. I do like doing. I didn't think I was gonna like it being the host of a podcast, but I do like it, man. You get to invite people over and just talk.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, just talk, dude. Especially when, you know those. That's different. Like, when I have our homie OG here, it's like the teacher's out of the room and we get to talk until the teacher comes back.

[Marty]

I remember we had Renee on for an episode, but the day after we did that episode, we end up going to San Antonio and then we do Houston together. And we hung out for like, three, four days. And then after that, Renee was like, bro, like, we've kind of, like, bonded more over that time. He's like, let's record the episode again. Like, don't release the first one. Let's first now.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Okay.

[Marty]

Yeah. Which I think both were fine. Anyway. I think it is Renee, bro. It's easy going, you know, but yeah, we did. And then it's cool, man. I like watching a lot of content creators. Like, I love stand up and everything, too, but I like Tick Tockers and. And so I've been trying to reach out to some and get them out and stuff like that, too.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Nice, dude. I don't. I only see, like, terrible, funny things on Tick Tock. I don't know any creators like that. I don't. I don't think I've ever seen the same person.

[Marty]

I got. I got one of those guys. I got, like. Got Internet classic guys coming on pretty soon. I got guys. I've chopped heads off on videos. Oh, could you imagine, though?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got the Rotten dot com guy coming.

[Marty]

Jesus Christ.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We got the two girls, one cup coming.

[Jaime]

Don't they do live parties and events?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, we do. It's gonna do it live.

[Marty]

That would be sick, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Have you ever seen it?

[Marty]

I've never saw it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got. I think. What was it, four seconds? I threw up in my lap.

[Marty]

I never saw it. I thought when I first heard about it. Jaime told me about it when we were kids one day. I remember. This is, like, kind of random, but I remember I had a box of brownies. Like the brownies? No, no, like. Like the ones you buy. They're already made, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

All the bomb ones.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sprinkles on it.

[Marty]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Cosmic.

[Marty]

So I. That kitchen, I just had it with me. And I look. I look across. Jaime lived across the street. And then, like, a few houses down, right? So I look, and I see him outside with, like, his sisters. And I was like, yo, see if you want some of these brownies. And I was like, yo, you want some brownies? And I was. I was young, bro. I was still in elementary. And he was just like, nah. He's like, I can't look at brownies right now. He's like, why? He's like, two girls, one cup, Ralph. Two girls, one cup. And he was, like, freaking out. And I was like, what did I just walk into? He's like. He's like, two girls, one cup. And then I was, like, eating the brownie, and he grabbed. I was trying to give him one. I was like, shut up. Just eat the brownie. And he, like, grabs it. He's like, mushing. He's like, twice. Who girls want? I was like, what is that? He started explaining it to me. I was like, whatever. I was like, that didn't happen. You're just making stuff up. Because I would lie a lot.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He was a liar.

[Marty]

Yeah. So I was like, no way, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You didn't see that.

[Marty]

And then, like, over the years, people keep talking about it, and I was.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, the more you describe, the more you're like, yeah, right.

[Marty]

Yeah. I never. I never saw. You seen it.

[Jaime]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Did you watch the whole thing?

[Jaime]

I saw, like, probably 30 seconds of it. I don't know how long it was.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That should be on Fear Factor.

[Marty]

I never. I never saw it, bro. To this day, I don't even want to see it. My biggest fear, though, is that, like. Like, if the world ended today, right? Like, we just got obliterated somehow. Nuclear war or, like, an asteroid or something. And we're all like. Every human is like the pearly gates of heaven. And what if God was like, all.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Right, have you seen it?

[Marty]

Everybody who's seen the video, you can come in and I'll be like, lie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, lie. But I know you, Ralph.

[Marty]

What if God pulls up all. Every video I've ever watched in my life? Like a big old history playlist?

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's like, you liked that one, too. That's what he's gonna say. You like that video, too?

[Marty]

He's gonna be like, two girls, one cup. Not in here.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, you watch women's rights and left, too. Nice. You know, God made up these categories. I watch grossest. Still to this day, it's the worst thing I've ever seen. And I've seen the Pain Olympics. I can't watch it. I got my Uncle John to watch it, and. And he broke our screen door trying to get out to throw up.

[Marty]

You know what movie I was like, bro, I hate this movie. I hate that somebody made this movie Human Center. Yeah, of course.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's the worst.

[Marty]

Why?

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's the only one that you go, who the did this?

[Marty]

Who? I don't know. Not even horror, bro. I don't know if there's, like, a big studio behind it, but there is. If you're in a room and you hear this pitch, why, you're. You're. You're almost worse than the person who thought of it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, that's what we talk about a lot. Like, who apparently approved, you know, this giant budget.

[Marty]

The biggest piece of is not the person who made the movie. The biggest piece of is the person who booked the guy to make the movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Or the best. Like Oppenheimer.

[Marty]

Yeah. No, but it's a total.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, I booked off the.

[Marty]

The Devil is the guy who. Who greenlit, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, there's like, four of them.

[Marty]

I. It's. It's crazy to green light the splitting of the atom. It's crazy to be like, yo, come make this happen. And. And it's. It's horrible that what nukes are used for. Somebody greenlit a project that caused the nuke bombing. But the guy who greenlit Human Centipede and the three that follow is a bigger piece of.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's true.

[Marty]

He's worse than splitting the atom, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't. I don't say that you're wrong, but also, who. Who. Who was like. Like, the upload's almost done. What do we call it? Two girls, one cup.

[Marty]

And they pressed enter right there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've seen an interview with both those girls.

[Marty]

What do they talk? They're just like, we're good.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They didn't even speak. They just. It was Tosh. Poyno had him on the show. I remember when he just came out. Daniel. Tosh. When the show just started, and they were sitting there like, you recognize these girls? And I just remember, like, about watching any more of whatever this episode is. I can't.

[Marty]

You look like you're about to throw up right now, bro. Look at your eyes. Why are you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's bad.

[Marty]

Oh, man. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Anyway, that happened once, and that was an abomination.

[Marty]

And that's our episode, guys.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We just end it with the clip. It's the last video on our YouTube because it'll be. And it'll be shut down by tomorrow. Yo. No lie. I Wouldn't even put that on our unrestricted website. Like, I wouldn't show that. We can't show. It's. It's the worst thing I ever said.

[Jaime]

I don't do it to the viewers.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Exactly. I'm not going to do that to our friends. You should on your show.

[Marty]

No, that's the intro. You're trying to sabotage fatfish before we get started, you're like, yo, no, you're comedian.

[Ralph Barbosa]

YouTube will with you.

[Marty]

You want me to do it, like, on stage?

[Jaime]

There you go. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hey, guys, for my opening joke.

[Marty]

That'S how desperate me and Jaime are to make it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We're like.

[Marty]

Me and Jaime will now be recreating an Internet classic.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo, Straws by Internet classic. You got to do the water one, you got to do the sharkeisha, and then you gotta do two girls.

[Marty]

Honestly, bro, Jaime is such a good friend, he'd be down to do it just to be like, this is what's gonna make you happy, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Your homies down. Maybe two down.

[Marty]

Two down.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not like autism down. Like, it's just too. Oh, God. All right, let's. Let's change the whole situation.

[Jaime]

Did everything go smooth with the Hulu taping?

[Marty]

Yeah. Do you like ice cream?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. Chocolate ice cream?

[Marty]

Vanilla. Think about vanilla ice cream. I think. I think everything went smooth with the Hulu taping. I think it goes smooth as long as you don't like. Something I learned from my previous taping was just, bro, this is a life lesson in general. Just don't set your expectations to, like, too, like, don't be like, this is what's supposed to happen. This is what's supposed to happen. Whatever is happening is what is. And just roll with that. Yeah. It's like, I remember the first taping. I was like, man, I want to have a good. A good special like. Like, all the greats have had before and, like, all these dope comedians and. And I remember before. Before the. The. The show started, they made these announcements where they're just like, yo, like, don't get up. It's a taping. Try not to move. Try not to yell. Don't do this, don't do that. And my friend Jesus did the reading, and I feel like people might have gotten kind of, like, scared to where now they're not even really enjoying the show. They're just, like, afraid to, like, I don't want to this up, you know? So this year on this special, I had Jaime do the announcements because he kind of struggles at reading at times, and I just think it's funny to hear him be like, hey, like, don't. He don't even, like, say stuff. He's like. He was supposed to say, hey, guys, this is a tape. This is a taping for a special, so try not to get up too much. And he goes, this is a live taping right now. It's not live. So it's like, he's a live taping. Don't get up. It's like, turn your phones off. And, like, he also has, like, a little bit of that. His speech is weird. So, like, people couldn't even understand. Like, what did you say? Phone. Turn my phone on. He's like, phone should not be on during the day. Phones off. Or whatever. Like, but people kind of laugh, but they heard it, so they're like, all right, I get to just do it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Made him sound like a T1000, bro.

[Marty]

He was. He was. And, well, we. We try to film. We're filming, like, this skit that hopefully will be the intro to the special. So part of the skit, I might have to wear a. A velvet robe.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I saw, like, that Bruce Buffer type of.

[Marty]

Yeah, he's not. Yeah. And so he. It's just funny seeing him do the announcements in the robe. He's not going to come out like that on the special. But he did for the announcements. And he's just like, yeah, he's like a wife beater under it. She's like, hey, everybody, take it easy. All right. So he kept it light, bro. And I feel like that was fun. I did the. I did four shows in total in San Diego at the Balboa Theater of.

[Ralph Barbosa]

The same for the taping.

[Marty]

Yeah. So. But. So the first night, the first two shows, we just recorded some stuff. We didn't even have all the cameras out. It was like there was like, one or two cameras out. And that was really a warm up. And I really treated it like a warm up. Like, I would do the jokes, and then I. And then after the joke, I would stop and talk to myself in my head and be like, yeah, I'm gonna do that one tomorrow. What should I do next? Like, how should I do it? Like, this isn't that. Like. And I'd take notes in my head, and the audience would, like, cheer me on. Like, come on, Ralph, you got this. But I'm like. I'm like, bro, I'm not on stage.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah.

[Marty]

I'm like, shut up right now. Like, I'm working. You guys are the test.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't want to let you know that Your tickets are the same price.

[Marty]

But this is practice. Then the second show, the crowd was a little rowdier, which I liked too. I, I, I was like, man, don't kick people out. Like, cuz if this happens during the taping, then it just happens. I don't want to record a special I and, and be like, look, look how orchestrated this was. I want to record the show and the show is the special. Like, this is what happened during the show. Like it. So the Saturday night, which was, I believe the 18th, was the actual, like, taping day. And that first show just came out badass. A couple people yelled out here and there, but like, bro, it was, it was, it Second show was cool too. But that first show, I was like, bro, we got it sick. I didn't even. Yeah. So everybody was like, record four shows so you can, you know, you freaking stand it together and you get the best possible outcome. But I was like, man, I think with two shows we'll be fine. Because like, I'm saying, like, if it comes out, too many people yelled or if it comes out, I stuttered here and there. It was the show. Like, that's what you got. Yeah. And I want people to see that.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's like being there instead of, like you said, like a cleaned up, orchestrated version of it.

[Marty]

Yeah. I want you to feel like you like, yo, this here's the video from how this went. You know, I feel like that's more. Especially in this day and age, bro. Everything we watch is like a lot of content, a lot of YouTube vlogs, and I want you to streamers, you know. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

See everything.

[Marty]

Yeah. I want you to feel like you saw that show.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So when you say people kind of rowdy, like, I told Marty about this. I, I with Duno. I did that Fresno one and everyone was talking the whole.

[Jaime]

Was that a brewery? Is that like one of those.

[Marty]

Oh, well, that's the thing. It was at a brewery, though.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I get it. But they do. But am I saying, like, how you.

[Marty]

Shut up. I haven't had to deal with stuff like that in years.

[Ralph Barbosa]

God, bro, it's my second time I was dating. Like.

[Marty]

Yeah, but at the, at your point in stand up, you should deal with that stuff.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't know what to do with it is what I'm saying.

[Marty]

Like, you'll figure it out. The more you get on stage and the more you deal with it, do.

[Jaime]

You press through it, dude?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. Do you, do you acknowledge that?

[Marty]

That's what I'm asking sometimes it depends, bro. Every crowd is Different. But, like, sometimes you press through. You could focus on one or two people that are paying attention, and if it. And all right. And if it's funny enough, it'll start getting people's attention. So sometimes it's good to press through because it's going to test your material. Sometimes you start with somebody in the crowd, but again, it has to be somebody who was already paying attention, and then you kind of get them to help you get somebody else's attention or something, you know? But those. Those dog shows make you into a killer.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It was not. It was. I was standing there like that.

[Marty]

You still talking.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I could hear you. I can hear everything you're saying to your homie. You're in the back.

[Marty]

Sometimes when you're at a brewery, like, bro, when you're at a brewery, you're at a bar, you're at whatever venue they're mad at you doing up there. Like, I'm trying to have a conversation. He's so loud.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, that's how I felt, dude. People were doing this like that. Like, I was saying, like, they did it to everyone. Yeah, bro, like, 10 minutes.

[Marty]

Those people were. Were tricked into being at a comedy show, okay.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They were like, let's go out there. Be live performance.

[Marty]

Yeah. They didn't go out to the show. They wanted to go to their brewer, and they're like, oh, they're doing a show here tonight.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's how I felt. That's exactly how I feel. Like, yeah, that's how it starts. That's fine.

[Marty]

Those make you better.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's fine. It was fine.

[Marty]

Those. Those make you better. So that we're. Later on, when you're at a comedy club and somebody yells out, you're just like, so that's true.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, we did the. The Bray Impro. And that went. It went seamless. Exactly. I hoped because.

[Marty]

Because they went to watch comedy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what I was trying to tell do. I'm like this. He's like, it's different. They want more crowd. They want to see the. You with people.

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's like, don't do material here. I'm like, the. I don't know what I'm doing, man. And I was like, told. Marty's like, I wrote everything out. It's 14 minutes long. Exactly. And they're like, you have eight.

[Marty]

And went, oh, yeah, you can't over.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't know. I didn't ask. I was like, how do you cut things out?

[Marty]

I'm just. I'm just glad you went for it, you know? How many people write out jokes? Or they do all. They do all this preparation, then they never even go through with it. They never pull the trigger. It's like, bro, you gotta do it. They're like, oh. I just. And I hear people say, like, it's because I want to treat stand up with so much respect because I love your craft. And he's like, yeah, but at the same time, bro, it's funny. It's joking around.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, just around.

[Marty]

Go up there and learn on your feet. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

For sure, dude. And I was talking about some tweaker. My dad showed up. My dad never shows up to. And he showed up and I didn't tell him, like, the whole last part is about you being a drug addict. And I can hear him laughing like, it's a great night, man. I've never done this. It was. I'll say this, though. It was like, remember the first time you stood in front of class and like, I gotta give this speech. You heard your homie. Like, all right, it's fine. It's fine. Because you heard your phone laugh like, you.

[Marty]

Dude.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's how I felt. Like, oh, this is fun, bro.

[Marty]

I remember taking a speech class and they. In the first project was. On the first day was, Write 10 facts about yourself and present them to the class. And, bro, it was like such a golden opportunity. I remember I just wrote, like, stupid. Like, none of it was true.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, okay.

[Marty]

And it helped. Like, it helped me come out of my shell a lot. You know what I mean? Like, I, like, I started it off by ripping off the hangover. You remember in the. In the hangover, Allen is like. He gives that speech before they go out.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yes.

[Marty]

Hey, guys.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And we're all wolves.

[Marty]

Yeah. He's like, how about that right over here? Haha. He's like, I guess that's why they call it Sin City. And so I went up there and I was like. I was like, hey, guys. I was like, how about that right over here, huh? I was like, I guess that's why they call it North Mesquite High School. Like, didn't make any sense. Yeah, it was stupid. I just said you had three people. What?

[Ralph Barbosa]

The rest left.

[Marty]

But. But it started, like, getting with people. And I was just, like, a little bit about me. Please don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry. I turn into a raging green hulk. Like, just saying, like, just facts. Yeah, I just made up, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like.

[Marty]

Like, I have a dog. Like, sometimes he's here Sometimes he's not. He's able to fly. Like, his name is Crypto. Like, the rescue. His owner died.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I killed his owner, and I rescued the dog.

[Jaime]

It sounds like Mitch Hedberg.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just like, that's the bravest man ever to throw a norm. To throw out some that you're like, this is gonna get 1% of this crowd. One dude in the back.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, that's who it was for. That's a brave dude.

[Marty]

I remember there was this one dude, bro. He. He was in my class, and he was kind of like. He was kind of like, hood, like this kind of thug type dude. And he was laughing his ass off. So he was laughing. I was like, I had. It gave me. When he laughed at the first two facts about myself, it gave me all the confidence in the world to just keep going. I'm like, if the most hardcore dude in the room is laughing, like, all.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You guys, it like the old man at the br Improv, the gangbanger laughed my.

[Marty]

Hell yeah. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He hit the table and I went.

[Marty]

It was like, gonna rob me, bro. There was like 20 kids in that class, and I had maybe like seven of them laughing, but I was like, that's a lot.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's a hell a lot, dude. When you get. When you. When you burn somebody or you say some with a class laughs, you might as well be an adult as a child. Like, oh, I grew up. I'm going to high school, you guys. I'm gone. I did that once and went, hell, yeah.

[Jaime]

I have those moments now where I say some slick to April and the kids all laugh, and I'm like, just burning your wife.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Ye roast my wife.

[Marty]

Often it's us on you now. You know, we roll this house.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You never know it.

[Marty]

You might.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Might have a little clan going over there. Oh, for sure. This the last time I. Well, two nights ago, I FaceTime Marty. What do you do? He goes, she's trying not to kick April in the face. And she goes, what? Jeez. No, no, I'm trying not to cross body kick April in the face, bro.

[Marty]

You want. You want something? This is what works for me. I'm not married, but, you know, I have a.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know how I don't hit her?

[Marty]

I'll tell you, I don't marry her. N my baby mama, when it comes to, like, stuff with. With. With my son, I used to, like, argue about, like, we shouldn't do that. We should do this. Now I just keep it so friendly with her, and I make her laugh a lot. If I can make her laugh. I can convince her to parent my child any style.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Give me one example of it working.

[Marty]

Of it working.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Of it working.

[Marty]

Maybe with, like, basketball. I want to put my son in basketball. She didn't want to because she was like, no, I don't think. He's like, he's too shy. You know? He's too shy. You don't want. He shouldn't be doing this. You're gonna be that. And so I'm just like, you want to be a weirdo, you know? You know, and then I. I was like. I was like, you remember? Hold on, this might get a little edgy. I said, you remember when he was first signing up for school? And she's like, yeah. I was like, you didn't want to sign him up for school either, remember? I said, what did you want to do? She goes, I wanted to. To homeschool him. I said, amanda, I said, he needs to, like, break out of his bubble, right? And you didn't want him to. She's like, no. It's like, now he has friends and it's going good for him, right? She's like, yeah. Like, it'll happen with basketball. It's like, so don't fight me on this. Like, you fought me on that homeschool stuff. I was like, and what was your big plan with that? I was like, what was your big plan? She's like, I was going to homeschool him. I was like, yeah. I was like, you're barely graduated high school. Now you want to be a teacher. I was like, you're not. You're not going to teach them what a coach can teach them, so, like, let's just let him do this. And she kind of laughed at it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She was like, all right, thanks for calling me. Yeah, I get it now.

[Marty]

Sometimes you just gotta.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sometimes you got to break them down to break it down.

[Marty]

My point is not that I. That I broke her down. My point is that I made her laugh, all right?

[Jaime]

I built her back up and I got what I wanted.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I love being called. It's great.

[Marty]

Great. Like, thank you, bro. You make your 1. Your woman or your co parent or whoever laugh, they're more likely to join your team.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You're not wrong.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

At all. Great advice, actually.

[Jaime]

How old's your son?

[Marty]

He's six now.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Damn.

[Marty]

Yeah, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I forgot. I gotta be honest. You told us last time. You're like, yeah, I'm cutting his hair. And. And then I forgot. Honestly, until you said it. Random mic. I forgot. Your child. Child. I forgot. You're on the road so much, and.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Damn, dude, I forgot everyone's got a baby with me.

[Marty]

You don't got kids yet?

[Ralph Barbosa]

No.

[Marty]

Go have kids. It's like, the greatest.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Nah, I'm good right now, man.

[Marty]

I love it, bro. Nobody's ever ready. Don't ever. Don't ever be like, I'm not ready.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, but you know who's ready? Those parents in the 90s that you saw on TV, like, damn, you're in your 30s. You had a child, you bought your house. Remember in Hook? Robin Williams with the glasses? He was ready.

[Marty]

Yeah, but they're lame.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They're not. I could be the good version.

[Marty]

You want. You know? You want to know what? And I like, don't get me wrong. You. You should be. For all those parents who wait until, you know, they bought their house first. They got their life established first. Good for you. You brought your kid into a. Well home. But I. I like more the way I came into the world and the way my son came into the world. And I respect more the parents who didn't plan it, because now your kid is forced to learn who you really are, not who you are now your established version, and hear stories about the old you. Like, now, you know, I mean, that's the best way I got to know my dad. I watched this kid grow up before my eyes. He had me at 17.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, I. I get what you're saying, but everything you're saying is, like, that's why I wanted to wait so bad, man. I had to go. Mom, shut up. You're doing dumb things. Dad, you're not a gangster. Get out of the street. There's cars coming.

[Marty]

Somebody.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I was watching out for my dad, bro.

[Marty]

True love. True love is being yourself. You know what I mean? And not having to change at all.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, there's no changing me. I just want to make sure I buy a house first. There's no changing anything.

[Marty]

Sometimes you're not even gonna. I like, not. Not you, but me. I don't think I would have ever had any type of success if I didn't have my kid. If I didn't have my kid.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, it kind of pushed you to.

[Marty]

Do some, though, bro. If I would have my kid, I would never have been more, like, strategic about what gigs to take or not take. Like, if I didn't have my kid, I would have still been back home cutting hair out of my grandma's house, my bedroom at my grandma's house, doing open mics and bar gigs, fed breweries where nobody's listening to me for 20 bucks a night. And I would have been fine with it. I had no real ambitions to do anything else. I was so content. I. I was happy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I get that, dude. I mean, but for me, I'm more like, I want to do good and crush it for myself and go, hey, you have to do none of that. I did. I can show up to your meetings and parent teachers. Like, I.

[Marty]

That's good.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just because, like, my mom and dad, they were both on drugs the whole time, and there were 17 and 18. It's like, oh, come on, man.

[Marty]

That's good too. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It just sucked.

[Marty]

I don't think your way is, like, wrong. I just. I just like my way better.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, when you're a kid, did you get to do school projects? Like, were you, like, volcano.

[Marty]

I never made a volcano.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Or like, you know, when you should make. You guys. Damn, Texas. You don't have to show that the. Did you make a. Did you make the. The Mexican village out of clay? What do you guys do? What'd you guys do? No school projects at all at school?

[Marty]

No, they did. Other kids did it, but I didn't really do them.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, oh, so they do it once, you didn't do it?

[Marty]

One time we read A Bridge to Terabithia.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I never read that.

[Marty]

And we had to build a bridge. And I went. My. I went with my dad for the weekend, and he, like, built the whole thing for me. And then. Then bringing up Jaime again. Jaime built his own out of Legos. And I remember looking at him and feeling kind of jealous that, like, that he did it on his own. It may not have came out as clean as mine, but he did it on his own.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You may not have landscaping on his. Yeah, but, you know, he did it by himself. Well, I did the school project alone because my mom wouldn't help me.

[Marty]

Nah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No. My mom was a mean drug addict when I was a kid, so I remember making my volcano with just the razor blade because we didn't have a box cutter.

[Marty]

That's crazy, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And then I made it at, like, 4 in the morning. Like, look at this bacon.

[Marty]

So my family loved me. My family would never do that. That is insane.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yes.

[Marty]

Maybe that's why I had no fear of having a kid is I knew what love was, you know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. No. Mia was more like, dude, don't talk too loud. That's all there was. Don't speak louder. It's your fault, dude. My dad was cool. Yeah, but he was not there.

[Marty]

He was cool as though he Was way too cool to be there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He was too cool for us, man. He's a. He's the senior. He can't hang out with the little kids.

[Marty]

Sometimes, bro, sometimes I do worry I'm becoming like a Reese. A Reese Bobby.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, what?

[Marty]

You ever seen Talladega Nights? Remember his dad, Reese Bobby?

[Ralph Barbosa]

That was his name?

[Marty]

Yeah. You don't hear the last name.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Say it. So when you just hear the first name, I thought you were trying to say Bobby Hill, but just not right.

[Marty]

Sometimes I feel like a Reese Bobby, man, and I'm worried that I love that guy. I'm gonna affect my son negatively, you know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, just make him first.

[Marty]

Look, that scene specifically, I said when he ruins the dinner, he's like. He's like, yeah, I didn't want onions and a burger tastes like rat's ass. Or.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And you heard it specifically, ask for no onions.

[Marty]

Yeah. He's like, bro, I. I kind of feel that sometimes I'm like, I don't want to do this family. Like, you know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, that's why I have kids. Every time I'm at a friend's birthday, go, I get to leave this in about an hour. I'm over it.

[Marty]

But, bro, that's why I'm glad I had a kid, though. It's because, like, maybe that's. I'm like, sometimes I feel like him, sometimes not. Sometimes I feel like that, but then I just look at my son and I'm like, this is what he wants. Let's do it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, for sure.

[Marty]

But there's some times where, like, I do feel like if they telling me to, like, go to his school to talk to him, I didn't remember him. He's like, I'm a semi professional and an amateur tattoo, a little bit of weed. Like, I, like, I'd go to. If I had to do a career day at my son's school, I'd be in there talking about, let me tell you guys about this bad mushroom trip, guys. Like, this is why you don't do 10 grams of shrooms in Seattle.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I got no life lesson except, like, don't front anyone. They never will pay you back. Business 101.

[Marty]

But that's the part that I'm like my dad. My. My son is, like, stuck with me and that. You know what I mean? And I'm. And I'm. That's. What I'm happy about is like, I didn't. I didn't establish myself and have a good home ready for him when he was born, but I Did get motivated to create that for him after he was born. And along the way, it's also like, yo, this is also me, bro. Like, as you're growing older, this is just me. So, like, this is what you get.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We're gonna wear the same shirts in a couple years.

[Marty]

Hell yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Hell, you know, I get that. Like, you're either him or Uncle Rico from. From Napoleon Dynamite. He's a businessman. He's a traveler. I love her.

[Marty]

I see Uncle Rico and it motivates me to, like, settle down. Eventually I'm like, what?

[Ralph Barbosa]

The end. He finds that girl.

[Marty]

I'm like, one day, I'm not gonna tour anymore. I'm just gonna post up a van and just throw.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, throw football over that mountains. There's a little Asian chick on a bike. Where was she coming from?

[Marty]

She's just riding her bike in the middle of nowhere.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And any other thing. That was a horror movie. He just sees a girl, that's the end of a different movie, throw a.

[Marty]

Football ladder and she's stuck there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Okay, I like it. I like that you brought up tile digging nights. It's a good movie, man.

[Jaime]

You're getting ready to go to UK and Amsterdam and not too long.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, you're gonna go get taxed. Go get our money back.

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah. I'm going out there to settle that whole Boston Tea Party thing for real.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Dump it into their ocean once and for all.

[Marty]

I'm mad, bro. I'm mad.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I mean, they didn't steep comedy.

[Jaime]

He's just going there in business.

[Marty]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I need you to fight one of those dudes that stands in front of Buckingham palace with the. With the large hair. Yeah, I need that.

[Marty]

I want to fight them 1920s style.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like the Notre Dame logo. That's how I fight.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've never won.

[Marty]

That's okay. Don't. Don't change your standards. Don't change your morals.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, I don't got no expectations, but just don't hit me a lot. That's really what it is.

[Marty]

Like, hey, bro, show some mercy. Be a human. That's all I ask him to fight.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just keep my clothes on. Just don't embarrass me or film me.

[Marty]

I want to stop, you know? Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like my mom, like, don't. Not in the face.

[Marty]

That sucks that every time a fight breaks out, everybody records. Like, everybody gotta be honest, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's so you can show your homie. Like, look, I saw this guy get knocked the out. Even though we can watch it on YouTube compilations over and over and over at UFC, I don't know what it is about looking at two random white dudes at the gas station fight each other.

[Marty]

I love watching fights on YouTube, but. And every time I laugh, laugh every time I. Or, like, just fights in general. Every time I laugh, though, I would feel a little like, please don't let me end up like one of these guys, though.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I know what you mean.

[Marty]

They took fights off YouTube.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, you can only watch, like, UFC, street fights. People that get into arguments, but they blank out the. They blur up. There's no World Star Fight comps anymore. All right, hold on. Hulu Special's coming out. When that promo come out. Fatfish podcast comes out When?

[Marty]

Every Monday.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Every Monday? What time?

[Marty]

I don't know. In the morning. This is Jaime's job.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just want to ask. All right, and before I need to know, how many cars do you have now?

[Marty]

Like, in total or, like, running and not running?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, in. Like, in total, man. How many?

[Marty]

I don't know, man. 15.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'll say under 15 or 20. I was about to ask that.

[Marty]

Somewhere between 15 and 20.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Which ones run and are cherry?

[Marty]

Like, cherry. Like, they're badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, you're like, oh, this is the car I'm gonna drive outside tonight. Hey, can you help me? I remember Monte Carlo.

[Marty]

That Monte Carlo. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Ready? I put all the money into it. Did it. All my fault for not paying attention to the guy. I was like, hey, I'm busy. Do it. Yeah. Got you. Sounds great. And I waited and waited 18 months. I got my car back. Fall 10 is 15. Got done what I paid for a new engine and all the stuff. And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. We rebuilt it. All my hoses are still old hoses. Everything's supposed to be replaced. My dash looks good. And then the corners. They didn't replace the corners where the window is. So it's a brand new dash, and then just old. So when I look outside, I can see the light.

[Marty]

They did specifically what you said. So, like, I said, no, assuming I want it all.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, no. We went over this. I filmed this.

[Marty]

I thought. I thought maybe you were just like, yeah, I want a new motor. And they're like, well, he didn't say new hoses.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, I said, I want every single thing brand new as if it's 1986. And then, you know, this is where it's really. You ready? You know, the. The body kits on the side of the. Of the. Where is the SS in the plate? You know, mine flew off a couple Years ago on the freeway because the tire blue blew mine off. Got run over. Who cares? I'm like, hey, man, replace it. When I picked up my car, Ralph, there was a sticker instead of a plate, and it was a sticker. And then he made the body kit out of fiberglass, so it did this, and it was warped.

[Marty]

Damn. Maybe he was trying to scam me, you know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what he was doing. Dude, the bolts went in. Like, the bolts that hold it in weren't in.

[Marty]

You should have gone to this guy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Please, I. I need something here.

[Marty]

He's here in LA area, California in general.

[Ralph Barbosa]

OT has a guy in Houston I was about to send it to. I would much rather just leave it in California.

[Marty]

That guy right there, bro. He feels badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Motorsports official.

[Marty]

Yeah, you can also check out their YouTube.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what my car was supposed to look like when I got it back, dude. You know what it looks like after Alonzo gets shot up in Training Day? That's what my looks looks like, dude. Yeah. All dead. He would have. He would have never got out of that car. He got shot 96 times and gets out and dies like the full from Terminator.

[Marty]

You know what they say is, like, when the. When your body's getting killed, your body's, like, fighting to, like, stay alive no matter what. Like. Like, people who've been in war, they talk about that. They're like, you don't just shoot them and they're dead. Like in the movies. They fight to stay alive. Like, it's scary.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She got a human centipede. Him a little bit. Ass to ass. I need this. I'll get it from you.

[Marty]

I'm gonna send this to you right now.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Please.

[Jaime]

Insane. That. That's. Yeah. I've never even seen you drive this car. Like, it's.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, I took it on a Fourth of July. I started it, and it didn't start because the battery and alarm was off. I mean, the alarm was not wired right, and it killed my car. You know what happened the next time he came out? It didn't work again. I tried to drive about three weeks ago, and I got so mad, I just. The alarm's not even on. If someone steals it. Give me my money. I'm so mad, dude. But he's such a nice guy. I don't want to, like, yell at him.

[Marty]

You just gotta always remember, I don't know how much this guy charged you, but.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, enough, bro. Yeah, they got, like, 30 bands.

[Marty]

Yeah, that's the thing, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's like, for the new mode of the interior. The interior is nice. I'll say that. They crushed the interior.

[Marty]

I remember you sent me a video, so I feel bad, too. I feel like I did this to your car.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Why?

[Marty]

Cuz every time you send me this video, I was just like, damn, this guy's so lucky. I like hating on you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I was like, no, you got nine of the same car. I'm so lucky. All of his cars in his garage. He built four cars. How are you envious of me? That's like one guy. Oh, man, my. My girlfriend's pretty. Oh, I have a strip club. Like, I need that one.

[Marty]

Yeah, I want that one. Only years.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's like a little kid. Are you only child? Look.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

All right.

[Marty]

There we go.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Okay, that makes sense. I was tightly jealous of your shitty car.

[Jaime]

Did you build a garage just to hold all your.

[Marty]

Yeah, and it's. Then we have to build another one because I bought too much.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Sick. But you're in the Texas, too. There's so much car. There's so much dope out there. When I went out there to Bay City, I'd never seen elbows before.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah, that's more like that Houston. I'm in Dallas, so we don't see that too much. But I like that Houston base is badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Not even that, like, oh, old school El Dorado, you know, you don't see like that here. This is some guy that looks like Marty in 40 years getting it out of the Palisades fire. That's the only time you see cars like that. Dude, did you. I don't know if you guys saw, but there was a. A shopping center right here at the Palisades after the fire, with every supercar you can imagine after the fire, because people were. During the fire, people were getting their luxury cars and their sports cars out of the fire, and they're parking them all in one parking lot lot. So some guy's like, dude, look at these cars in this park. And I saw them on Tik Tok.

[Marty]

Could you imagine? All these cars get there, they just got done parking them all. And there's just some. Like. Like all the rich guys are looking at their cars, right? They're like, we did it, guys. We got all our cars safe, right? And then you just hear like a. And then you look and there's like some guy across. She's just like some crazy homeless guy. He, like, lights a match and he drops it, and there's like, gasoline and.

[Ralph Barbosa]

There'S literally what h. How this fire started? Just kept lighting Fires. What you just said is pretty much what happened.

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Fools were lighting fires everywhere. Why?

[Marty]

What's your problem? People are crazy, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

People are just.

[Marty]

I think it's the Illuminati, bro. I think they were out there lighting the fires or.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I mean, I don't know if I'm personally and. But maybe.

[Marty]

Remember in Chicago. Here's another history. Remember Chicago, one time they started a fire. I don't even know how it started. I think it was like, you know, just some guy didn't listen to his wife. You know, women are smart. So some woman was probably like, hey, the. The lamp thing that you got a light with the match. It's on.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what they called it.

[Marty]

The last thing where you got a light with the matches on and don't bump it as you're walking in the in and out the house. Because the guy was probably working on something, you know, and they're hard workers. And the guy was in the knot working on. And he comes in and he's like, where did I leave my drink? And the woman's like, it's outside. And he's like, oh, yeah. He bumps the fire. So, like, I. I don't know. It might have started like that anyway.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Well, that was. That was a joke. I was a guess.

[Marty]

Something starts on fire room, and then, like, they couldn't put it out. They didn't have, like, water around or something. They didn't have no buckets. I don't know what it is. The guy probably didn't care. The woman's probably like, hey, he's on fire. He's like, ah, this woman's always nagging. And, you know, the fire is hot. It's like. And the fire spreads to, like, the neighbor's house. Neighbors over there just hanging out. This is like. I don't remember when this was. This might have been accurate. This might have been, like, late 1800s, late 1800s, early 1900s. I'm not too sure. So the guy's probably over there, like, you know, trying to be like, man, I wonder if I could invent electricity or something. He's like, I wish I just had a spark. And then right then and there is his Curtis, just like. And he's just like, no, no, no, no, not like that. Not like that. And he's like, I wish I had some sort of water hose apparatus where I could hook up to, like, a hydrant on the street that would. I don't. You know, there's like, a water system, and I could put this out. Then that guy originally invented, like, fire hydrants and, like, how firefighters put out water. But he didn't. Never got the credit because he died. He burned in the fire. Yeah, but his neighbor heard him, whose house also caught on fire, but his. Not his house caught on fire. Not before he wrote down and drew what the guy was describing.

[Ralph Barbosa]

This is a true story, by the way.

[Jaime]

I don't know if you know, that's crazy.

[Marty]

So that that guy's house spreads, you know, and while these people were like, ah, like, so other neighbors are watching this happen, and now they're like, oh, like, we're next. So they run to water, but the water was like a quarter mile away because they. They lived pretty far from the lake. And so they're like, running and running and running to the lake and they had to get buckets. And you know how, like, back then they had to. To put out the water, to put out the fire, they had to pass the buckets of water, like, Little Rascal style, like, so they had to form a line, like, over a quarter mile long to the liters, like, but they didn't have enough. They didn't have enough buckets. What they realized. So now that another line had to form where they ran to quarter mile in the opposite direction to get a bucket. To get buckets at Home Depot. At. Yeah, but back then, it was just. It was the first Home Depot ever, actually.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's the first one is in Chicago. No Mexicans at all.

[Marty]

No Mexicans at all. It was started by Christopher Holm Deepitz.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And that's him.

[Marty]

That's him. And so, yeah, so while they're running to the lake, you know, to save their houses, well, the fire is getting faster and their houses burned down, and the whole city of Chicago essentially just could not. Not find water to save their goddamn lives.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And they had no buckets.

[Marty]

The entire city burned. So, yeah, la. Like, it's horrible what's happened here, but, I mean, come on, like, if Chicago was all right, you guys can do it too, man.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They can win championships back to. Back to back in the 80s. We can come back and win.

[Marty]

Come back, bro. Y'all got this.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yo, where's this lesson in school, man? I like this version better. This is. This is. This is. This is the education that his human Centipede director got. And he was like, no, dog. This is what happened. That's. That's his version of history. He's like, no, someone ate. And this one ate and could be the front. That was the lesson of this. Hey, also, by the way, that was exactly how the fire hydrants were invented.

[Marty]

For real? Yeah, bro. That's crazy.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Are you with me?

[Marty]

No, I'm.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's exactly how fire hydrants were invented.

[Marty]

Because of the Chicago Fire.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Through the Chicago Fire. And a guy that invented it died in the fire.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Nah, but it sounds.

[Jaime]

Do you ever see Drunk History?

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what this was. That's what this.

[Jaime]

We need you on shrooms. Just going over events.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It doesn't even stay on topic, yo. No, no. Lying, like. Oh, I brought it up recently. I don't know. We talked about it. Here. Remember Spark Notes?

[Marty]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You can cheat. It's like, oh, book report. I didn't read that. No, Cliff Notes is what you do. Spark Notes is the website, right?

[Jaime]

Yeah, yeah.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Remember that? You like, oh, I didn't read this. I'm gonna go read it.

[Marty]

Dude. Sometimes you could find that one and some other website if you would just Google the exact question. Like. Like, by the time I got to high school, I could Google the exact question and I would find the entire, like, exam online.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, yeah. No, I didn't. I was dumb. I skipped computer class, even though that would have helped.

[Marty]

I was smart enough to know how to cheat.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Well, I cheated, too, but I just did this.

[Marty]

Nah, I didn't.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I knew this guy was good.

[Marty]

Teacher will see that coming, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

No, you do this one. I can't think, and then you look. That's how I got. That's how I passed high school.

[Marty]

Hey, would teachers ever tell you the whole. Where they're just like, if you don't know what to pick, always pick C.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I saw that in a movie.

[Marty]

That's crazy, though, that teachers would actually tell me that. Like, you're not supposed to say.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's supposed to say that.

[Marty]

Be like, hey, come on, study. That's the answer.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, they got your education, though. They're like, no Chicago Fires. This is how it.

[Marty]

Bro. Our. Our education system is like, the worst boxing trainer ever. It's like, if he's whooping your ass, hit him in the nuts like, y.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And then ask for welfare after, because. Get it?

[Marty]

I had a. I had a class where we had to, like. It was like, remedial math type class. Like, it's like the dumb math. But they would kind of prepare us for real world situations. But it was like, our expected real world situations. You know what I mean?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Some poverty.

[Marty]

Yeah, bro. So I remember this one time, they. They. They gave you a paper yet? So they partnered us up. They're like, this Kid sits alone. This kid sits with, you know, this boy and that girl, this girl and that boy. This year alone, whatever. And then they'd come by and you'd have to draw out of a bucket a piece of paper, and the paper said, like. Like, all right, like, the kid by himself. They were like, you're. You live single, you're not married. You make this much a month. This is what you have to pay in bills. And you have this much credit card debt. Like, how do you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

You know, your life sucks, get out of it.

[Marty]

Yeah, like. Like that, you know, like, what. What are you going to try to go for? You could try to, like, I'm going. Go for this career. I'm going to go for this career. I'm going to try to do this. Whatever. And I remember it was fun, though, man. That was so fun to me because it turned into, like, this comedy show for me. Like. Like, I got sat with my friend Kelsey, and they were like, you guys don't have kids and you work here and you work there. And so they come by and they're like, all right, what's. You know, what's. What's your situation? And I just, like, added to it. Like, I kept the facts, but, like, added to it, I'm like, me and Kelsey, we live in an apartment in a not so good part of town, and we wanted to find a better place, but she decided she wanted to stay close to her mother. We are married, but to my recent knowledge, Kelsey is unable to give me kids, which I resent her for. So, no, we don't have kids. And I just sounded like. Just like this miserable husband who, like, hated his wife.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Incredible.

[Marty]

I remember my teacher just started laughing, bro. And I. I didn't do the. This happened a lot, actually. I, like, I had a lot of fun in that class. I didn't do the project correctly, so I technically, like, failed it, but they passed me just because it was funny.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Skated by. Dude, I gotta be honest. If I was a teacher and my students said that, but you're going place. I don't know if you know, bro.

[Marty]

My. So the. The teacher's assistant, he was this nice dude. I remember he was always drinking a drink from Sonic, but I remember he heard me say that, and he was like, this guy's gonna be on a big screen one day.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's funny, though, dude. That's exactly if I heard my. For real. I was a teacher's assistant once, but the grade below me, which makes no sense. It's like, yo, answer to Your brother, that's the same age, right? But thing is, I'm a year younger, so I was the same class here as these kids. And I'm like, yo, so I'm deciding if you pass. And I would just pass my friends.

[Marty]

Our teacher's assistant was like a grown person. It was like an official job.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, no. This is like porks. They're like, yo, the best grade you. I promise. I didn't get paid. I didn't get nothing. I got to go to lunch early.

[Marty]

That's cool.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's like, good time in prison. And, like, don't worry, man. You don't get molested. We're gonna put you by yourself.

[Marty]

Nobody's gonna touch you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'm gonna touch you. And you get to sweep all day. I swear to God, dude. That's. That's. That's what it did as a kid. I was a. The smart kid. I was in the smart kid classes.

[Marty]

Oh, badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's just because I tried. I wasn't smart at all. When I found 9th grade, I was like, oh, I'm normal. I just gave a. And then I stopped giving a.

[Marty]

Do you think, damn. Wait, Just because you tried, though, are you saying that, like, all I did.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Was try to do my work and I got enough A's? They're like, you should be in this class. Like, oh, I guess you are.

[Marty]

You're cocky, bro. I don't know. I just tried a bit.

[Ralph Barbosa]

And, you know, like, you know, in school, you don't give a. You're like, once I got ninth grade, I don't care anymore. Like, oh, you're stupid. I'm like, no, I just don't give a. Yeah. And then I just, you know, got Fs, man.

[Marty]

That. That, like, this is going to sound corny, but that actually does kind of. Like, sometimes maybe it's just me just getting older and just, like, cornier, but when I see, like, kids that they don't care about high school or like, they're like, when am I going to use this? Like, it's not about when you're going to use it, but, like, did learn it, bro. Who else is going to teach you algebra for free?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, that also. Algebra. I hate it. I even said, when am I gonna use a quadratic formula? I'm out of here.

[Marty]

I'll tell you when. When.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Someone please explain it.

[Marty]

When some guy is talking about how this is going to affect this, this, and that, and you don't want to sit there just being like, I want to know, bro. I want to know.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's the quadratic formula.

[Marty]

Quadratic formulas come up four times in my life. Can you give me once right now? It came up. It came up quadruple times. If you had never went to an algebra class and you never would even know about that, how would I. How can I make fun of it if it's not there? All knowledge is make fundable a hundred percent. Yeah. So therefore, all knowledge is good knowledge.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'll take it. I take back what I said. But hold on. I knew about it. I still know how to use it. But you can make fun of it.

[Marty]

You didn't.

[Ralph Barbosa]

So I got enough.

[Marty]

There we go. You see what I'm saying? Two girls, one cup.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Two girls, one cup. Two birds, one stone.

[Marty]

Yeah, horrible. Sounds right. Horrible piece of history. Two girls, one cup. But because we know it, we got a good five minute chunk of podcast material in there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've had like five minutes every other day of my whole life thinking about it. Just disgusted.

[Marty]

See what I'm saying?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Every time I'm too dry to throw up, I just think about it. It's like, oh, I got it. I need it. Not being able to puke when you're drunk is. Is like, oh, I have to piss hard, but I can't piss. That's happened to me never. But that's how I imagine.

[Jaime]

Good.

[Marty]

Yeah. I was about to say. You're about to scare me, bro. I was like, wait, is that a thing that happens? I don't want to drink anymore.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I don't know, man. No, it's like the Pirates of the Caribbean. No matter how much you eat, you're still starving. Same.

[Marty]

I've never seen those movies.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, don't. I just told you about it. Ready? Johnny Depp's like, oh, faded. And then he just saves the day. That's all that matters.

[Marty]

He's always faded.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's always funny. Walking around, like, from San Francisco and some homeless guy.

[Marty]

Hollywood makes, like, drunk people and junkies look so, like, cool. Cool. And like, because they are cool if.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They get their together. Like, I know a lot of junkies that are great. I know some junctures.

[Marty]

Like that Julia Roberts movie, Pretty Woman.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She's a hooker.

[Marty]

Yeah, bro. Women that look like her don't become hookers, though. You know what I mean? They become Julia Roberts.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's. I guess that's true. That is true.

[Marty]

And then she knew. And then she had class. She knew how to act. You ever been around hookers?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I have.

[Marty]

These are horrible.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've met one that was really cool.

[Marty]

Oh, I mean, road hookers.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I didn't know. She hooked her to about 40 seconds in the conversation. Oh, I shouldn't. I wish you. I mean, I kind of did. She was that guy, Magic Don Juan, so I kind of should have known.

[Marty]

No, actually, you know what? I gotta correct myself. One time, I was in Salinas, California. Oh, okay.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What's up?

[Marty]

Beautiful city. Monterey Bay and, like, Selena's and all that. I was seeing all that. It's so beautiful. My friend took me to his house. He lives in the hood. Even the hood over there was beautiful.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Just got ocean breeze, that's all.

[Marty]

Yes, bro. Yeah. But he was like, yo, there's this area right here where there's, like, a lot of hookers. And I was. I was being like a little. I wanted to pull up there and get it on video that I asked one of them, like, yo, how much? And when she says the price, I go, hell, no. And I just peel out. The lady was her eyes. I pull up, right, and she's facing the other way. So I was like, hey. And when she turned around, oh, my God, she was so beautiful that I forgot everything I wanted to say and.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Move in with me, bro.

[Marty]

She was so pretty. I was like, her childhood must have been up for you to have become a hooker and be that beautiful. She was so beautiful. She could have any man by the ball. She could have the world by the balls. But she was. And I froze up. She was like, what's up? She was so kind, too. She's like, hey, what's up? Oh. She's like, are you okay? Just drove off.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Are you good? Are you hungry?

[Marty]

So I stand corrected. Not all cookies are.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That one, you know, she was a.

[Marty]

Real Julia Roberts, that one.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She was an officer. And you lucked out is what happened.

[Marty]

That could have been. Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She had all her teeth. She's a civil servant. No, there's no way, dude. She works for the city.

[Marty]

And.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Excuse a police officer. I met one like the one I met. Her name, I shouldn't say. Anyway, she was this, like, super hood ass black chick, super cool. And as she bent down to rip the bong, I went, you have no heels on your heels. She was just. The shoes were high heels with no heel. She said, yeah, helps me with balance. She was practicing, like, what, an overachieving hooker? Dude.

[Jaime]

Plyometrics.

[Marty]

That is badass.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Pretty badass. And then I saw Don Juan's pass a joint around, and they only smoked it through their nose because he said he promised his mom he'd never Smoke a gangzel. But not through the nose. I was like, that's insane. And everybody hit it through their nose. They passed me and went, are you crazy? And I remember they looked at me like, you didn't hit it? I'm like, are you dumb? Just met you. You're also a prostitute. I'm good, dude.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

But I just remember that, like, oh, what a. What a workaround.

[Marty]

It's not the only thing she takes up the nose, huh?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I just imagine horrible.

[Marty]

It's hard. It's hard for a hooker, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It is hard for a hooker, man. Especially with, you know.

[Marty]

I feel like I've met diseases, like one or two hookers, and they're always mean, but maybe because they're older. This is one older. Maybe she's just tired of being the hooker, you know?

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah, she's tired of everything.

[Marty]

She's like, you want some? And I was like, I'm okay. And then I just sat there and she came back around like, you sure? I'm like, yeah, like, I'm okay. And she came back one more time. She's like, it is hot. Okay. I was like, no, you're just lady. You beat lady. Call it a day already. You should have saved for retirement. God damn it, dude.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'ma start saying that girls like you gay or something every time I. Gay as hell, man. That's a good. That's a good cop out for a dude. Gay.

[Marty]

Lesbian.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Scarface.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I was like, I heard it in that tone, but I can't see it. Scarface. All right, all right. Before we get out of here, man, where can everybody support your stuff? Where can everybody watch you? And where can they get tickets?

[Marty]

You can get tickets to all my shows and see all my tour [e-mail] Barbosa with an S, not a Z. Some people spell it Barbosa.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I've never seen it with a Z before.

[Marty]

Oh, wow. Anyway, you can follow me on Instagram to keep up with show release dates and all that. My Instagram is Ralph Barbosa03. Please check out me and my buddy's podcast, the Fat Fish Podcast. We're like the next Joe Rogan podcast. We only talk about serious and, like, influential stuff and.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Get through that. That was fake.

[Marty]

As.

[Ralph Barbosa]

We talk about Human, Centipede and terrible.

[Jaime]

You got San Francisco, you got Sacramento coming up in January.

[Marty]

Yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Oh, nice.

[Marty]

So these are just some last minute, like, random. We're just booking random gigs and I'm trying to work out a new hour. So, yeah, we just started Booking some gigs.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, four San Francisco shows in a row. It's awesome.

[Jaime]

He's not around.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Yeah. Oh, oh. Tonight you're at the Impro.

[Marty]

Why you say it like that? Say it like. I'm like. Like, I just. You say like the. The headquarters at CIA when they find out Jason Bourne just murdered all their assassins. He's not doing four shows in San Francisco. This guy's serious.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That was a good comparison. I want to see part one of that.

[Marty]

That's a good movie.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That is a good movie. All right, so. Oh. All the United Kingdom in March. Damn.

[Marty]

Yeah. Hit the. You hit. Hit in Europe.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Get us some baked beans and tax money.

[Marty]

Me got you, bro.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Thank you very much.

[Marty]

I'm bringing back the queen with me.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Her body.

[Marty]

Oh, she died, right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

I'm bringing that bones back.

[Marty]

I didn't know she was dead. I just remember that. Or they said she was gonna go. I really just wanted to go pay my respects to the queen and I'll just do some comedy while I'm there.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That was the whole point, right? Yeah, I just want to tag. That's all I'm going for. I'm just hit up their walls and bounce.

[Marty]

She's gonna go to the queen and be like, I'm sorry I failed you. I was gonna stand at her grave like, Alfred. I'll be like, I failed you or.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Alfred when he sees him in Paris.

[Marty]

Hell, yeah. She's actually alive the whole time she's been alive.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She's just Kathy Bates this whole time. Nobody knew.

[Marty]

She's banging Christian Bale for sure.

[Ralph Barbosa]

She's bang. Everybody is being Christian Bell. Let's just say that. Dude, I just watched this thing on his ass about Mary American Psycho. I didn't know these. Did not want him to play that fool at all. They had like six people before, and they said, no, no, and fire the director. And she's like, I'm not working if he's not the guy. And, like, then you're fired. And then he finally convinced one of his homies to convince Learn Capri not to do. He's like, go tell him that it's not good for him. And that's how he got the role. He's like, you're with heartthrob. You can't do this role. He's like, you're right.

[Marty]

I would have loved if Leo did it.

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's just all pretty and like, oh, dropping shades off.

[Marty]

I just like watching pretty people act like insane because they never do it in real life. Every time you see pretty people at the club, they're just like.

[Ralph Barbosa]

They're me.

[Marty]

I'm cool, but I want to see them.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Like, I need to go to the club, because first off, the club sounds. It sounds a little wild now that you explained. Like, I leave, people stare at you, or. This is pretty. People going nuts, bro. Never. I stay home.

[Marty]

I, like, I used to stay when. When my buddy Jaime worked as a photographer, a videographer for a nightclub. I. There was a comedy club down the street. And sometimes after a show, I'd go hang out with him over there, or I'd sit in out front with the bouncer, this big dude named Jojo, and I would help him ID people. And I love just people watching at the club from the front. Oh, it's more interesting than Animal Planet.

[Ralph Barbosa]

What about, like, the. The in to coming out? That juxtaposition like, this was cool, and now she's just being racist and throwing up everywhere.

[Marty]

Yes, bro, People. When people get kicked out of clubs, their. Their inner demons come out.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's the embarrassment and shortcomings all at once. Like, you're kicking me out?

[Marty]

Oh, yeah. You get kicked out of a club, that'll make you. If they do it wrong, depending who. Who kicks you out, that'll make a Democrat go Republican.

[Ralph Barbosa]

For sure. It will. It depend on who threw you out. That's a great, great state. Like Stanley Ipkiss in the mask. They threw him out on his hip. What did he do, destroy the city? All right, then. Rob banks? All right. Thank you for being here, dude. I really appreciate it.

[Marty]

Thanks for having me, bro. Appreciate you. Appreciate you guys.

[Ralph Barbosa]

I will need that. I'm gonna fix that car.

[Marty]

That guy is good people and all his. I mean, he makes a lot of content. So, like, it seems like his videos. Through his videos, it seems like his cars come out nice.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Wait, I thought you said you got a car through or you just follow?

[Marty]

I just. Yeah, I just talked to him and stuff. I respect his words.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Okay, then I'll do that, because that's what happened to me last time. Like, no, this guy's great, man. Why did that happen to me?

[Marty]

Dude, go check out his shot. We'll talk to him, see what you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

That's what I'll do. That's exactly what I did.

[Marty]

Tell them Ralph sent you. All right?

[Ralph Barbosa]

He's like, by the way, I won't screw you over too hard, man. I appreciate you, dude. Thank you so much.

[Marty]

Thanks.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Anything else, Marty?

[Jaime]

I appreciate you coming through. I've been waiting for this one.

[Marty]

Oh, yeah.

[Ralph Barbosa]

It's been a Minute, dude. It's been a minute. That last was it.

[Marty]

Appreciate you.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Last year.

[Marty]

It's like a year.

[Jaime]

October 2023.

[Ralph Barbosa]

Damn. Time's flying, dude. All right, well, thank you so much. I appreciate you guys. All of Ralph's links, all information can be linked in the description or anywhere you're watching right below. Marty, thank you very much. Thank you very much, guys. This has been the Dope as Usual podcast. Have a dope ass day. You've made it to the end of this episode. Thank you so much for watching. We really appreciate it. But if you want to see more content, check out dope as usual podcast.com forward slash, unrestricted. Also, you can check us out in the App Store. Dope as Usual podcast. We have our own app app. Unrestricted is uncensored ad free weekly bonus content bts. A bunch of. There's photo shoots in there, a bunch of stuff that we cannot show on YouTube when you become an unrestricted member. Every single Monday, there's a bonus episode with Marty and I. We could play music show clips that would get us banned here. There's a forum so we talk directly to people and answer their questions. But thank you so much for supporting for everyone on the unrestricted membership. We appreciate you. So go ahead and check it out. Dope as usualpodcast.com or click the little link above and that's going to take you directly to it. Hey, what's up guys? If you're seeing this face, that means you made it all the way through the episode. If you want to watch more stuff, check out these clips. There's long form clips, there's short clips. Thank you so much. Do us a favor. Leave a like, don't forget to subscribe. Hit the notification bell. Thank you for being here. And if you made it here, it means you're a fan. You watch the entire episode. Thank you. Perfect.