The GWAR Episode!

Summary

---

DOPE AS USUAL Podcast – The GWAR Episode!

Hosts: Thomas Araujo (Thomas / Dope As Yola) & Marty O’Neill
Guest: Blöthar the Berserker (lead singer of GWAR)
Release Date: April 21, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this riotous and irreverent episode, “DOPE AS USUAL” hosts Thomas and Marty welcome Blöthar the Berserker from legendary shock-rock band GWAR. The conversation dives headfirst into intergalactic absurdity, the band’s cultural commentary, favorite (and least favorite) aspects of humanity, on-stage antics, comedy, music, mind-altering substances, and even “marital aids.” With memorable stories and surreal humor, the interview gives fans a hilarious inside look at the GWAR universe and Blöthar’s wry, over-the-top worldview.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Life as an Intergalactic Alien (00:00–04:40)

• What does Blöthar, an immortal alien warrior, eat?
  • “Pussy, man. Damn it. Space pussy. No, I mean, we eat all.” (00:04, Blöthar)
  • High-fat foods: “Whale blubber… steak, teacheros, you name it.”
• Blöthar’s favorite fast food chains:
  • In-N-Out is highly rated.
  • “McDonald’s just sucks these days, man… In-N-Out is what McDonald's should be.” (02:32)
  • Fat Burger's name gets a laugh; Five Guys gets roasted for its suggestive name (02:49).

GWAR’s Origin Story & Earthly Observations (03:08–06:08)

• GWAR were “uncovered and thawed” in Antarctica by sleazy manager Sleazy P. Martini.
• Learned everything about humanity: “...from sitcoms, Laverne & Shirley.” (03:19)
• Perspective on “the Grays” and alien stereotypes:
  • “The Grays… they’re the people that, when you go to an intergalactic tackle shop… the Grays are ruining everything.” (04:08)
• On Earth's shape and moon landings:
  • “Of course it’s not flat. It’s round, damn it!” (05:47)
  • Moon landing take: “Moon landing was totally fake. Even the new one was fake… The first moon landing, I think was real… mainly because that guy Buzz [Aldrin]… wants to punch you out [if you doubt it].” (06:16–06:44)

Favorite Things About Earth (06:52–10:04)

• Top pleasures:
  • “I like weed. I like what you guys do. I feel good about it.” (06:58)
  • TV (especially after weed).
• Favorite Shows:
  • Thousand Pound Sisters (“Yeah, I do know what it’s like,” 07:20)
  • Cops (“I like to watch people get in trouble that aren’t me,” 07:21)
  • American Dad (“Roger, that’s what aliens are really like. Psychologically insane, molester, alcoholic. That’s the kind of alien I want.” 08:02)
  • South Park, King of the Hill (“Masters of walking the line,” 08:45)
• On stage show antics:
  • “We bring [Trump] out all the time. Then we cut his fat tits off...shoots blood everywhere.” (09:23–09:28)
  • Would he eat Trump? “He looks like he probably tastes pretty bad. Chemical. Like a Diet Coke taste.” (09:59–10:04)

Musical Tastes & Opinions (10:10–13:24)

• Top 5 Bands (besides GWAR):
  1. Christina Aguilera (“incredible choice…both Spanish and English,” 10:31–10:34)
  2. Black Sabbath
  3. Menudo (“wish GWAR could be like them—just disappear at a certain age,” 10:50)
  4. Snoop Dogg (“good sense of humor, would look better on my mantle,” 11:12)
  5. “Blood Zeppelin” (jokingly)
• Least favorite music genre:
  • “I would get rid of rock and roll [now]. If your band sounds like what you get when you put a prompt into AI, you should just suck the muzzle of a gun. That’s what I say.” (12:08–12:37)
• On AI:
  • “We should start giving AI anxiety…undermine its confidence and make it afraid of everything.” (13:12–13:24)

Movie Preferences & Pop Culture (13:52–15:01)

• Favorite movies (non-alien):
  • Black Rainbow (“Confusing and despairing,” 14:11)
  • Demons (“Spooky and old,” 14:23)
  • Russ Meyer films (“girls with gigantic boobs…that’s the best thing about humanity,” 14:34)
  • Miami Connection (“Takes place in Orlando—figure it out,” 15:01)

Drugs: Human vs. Alien (15:10–17:19)

• “Quite taken with crack cocaine when we got here… you guys made the fast food version of cocaine. We love it.” (15:19–15:24, Blöthar)
• Alien drugs: “It’s more like…someone lathers you with gelatin, you float above your body and realize your soul is fat.” (15:28–16:34)
• Space drugs “like DMT,” crack “like coffee for us.” (17:23–17:29)

Down-Time, Leisure, and Masturbation (17:47–19:01)

• How does Blöthar unwind?
  • “I like to smoke money… roll up the cash, smoke it.” (17:52–17:58)
• Favorite activity: “Leisurely masturbate and watch Thousand Pound Sisters.” (18:15)

GWAR Origin, History, and Physiology (19:27–22:28)

• Banished from home planets for being “screwups.” (19:27–20:26)
• Created apes/humans as “punishment.”
• “Bolivian butt-lift” joke about his physique. (21:05)
• Alien anatomy: “I’ve got four penises…and a vagina under the beard…not really penises, but gigantic, deformed looking clitoris. Clitorati, I call it.” (21:22)

Game & TV Preferences (22:35–24:34)

• If Blöthar hosted an Earth game show:
  • “Who Wants to Be a Thousandaire?” (death for losing)
  • Gladiator-style dating/combat show, or “Guy vs. 500 gorillas with unlimited fentanyl,” only six apes taken out before “you can have sex with it.” (24:22)
• Big love for Beavis and Butthead:
  • “When I think of Aristotle, Socrates, and Beavis and Butthead, these are names that belong together.” (24:38)

Animals, Cars, & American Life (24:35–28:44)

• Favorite animal (not to bang): “Hippopotamuses, cute with interesting feet…rip you to shreds just for being near.” (26:29–27:12)
• Alien powers: Can grow to the size of Empire State Building, has “powerful butt,” and “clitorati that shoot steaming hot molten lava.” (50:19)
• Never driven a car—“can’t fit,” uses a scooter instead. (28:24–28:44)

On Kiss, Slipknot, and Showbiz (30:28–33:31)

• Kiss and Slipknot get nods as “GWAR’s children.”
  • “KISS weren’t the only ones…Devo, Tubes, bands like that more our thing…But yes, KISS were great as a young person.” (30:32–31:12)
• Shock over old lyrics nobody noticed (“Christine 16,” “meet you in the ladies room”).
• “The best thing I’ve ever gotten was a piece of advice: stay out of show business. It’s just gonna break you down.” (61:33)

Humanity, War, and Social Satire (33:43–36:36)

• Observations on wars and human self-destruction:
  • “We have done our job too well… the only answer is you must be eradicated.” (33:43–34:20)
• Who should be spared? “Fast food workers and strippers.” (35:29–35:44)
• On strippers: “They try so hard. I give them money for a typing class or something. Go to night school, figure it out.” (35:48–35:52)

GWAR Merchandise and Touring (36:52–41:05)

• Blöthar promotes GWAR.net for tour dates and “products.”
• Favorite product: “The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu. It’s a two-foot long, six-inch wide dildo. We call it a marital aid, but it doesn’t really fix marriages at all. It harms them.” (37:21–37:48)

Weed, Fan Antics, and Stage Stories (41:05–48:10)

• “GWAR would not exist without weed.” (41:05)
• On-stage fluids: “Spraying blood, piss, semen, pus…” (42:03)
• Secret Service pushback: GWAR has “always killed politicians on stage for 40 years,” but now people lose their minds. (42:23–42:52)
• Wildest fan moments: “The last time we played in LA, someone threw up an artificial limb.” (46:18–46:32)
• Tijuana show: “Security guy onstage got sprayed with noodles, looked mad. After the set, he joined the band—‘El Guapo.’” (47:54–48:14)

Comedy, Movies, and Social Commentary (48:36–51:34)

• Horror movies as comedies: “The Exorcist is pretty funny… House of 1000 Corpses is pretty fun… Texas Chainsaw Massacre… Airplane, Spaceballs, anything by Mel Brooks.” (49:00–49:49)
• “There’s racism where I’m from. Speciesism. The crab people hate the lizard people hate the pig people…” (49:51–50:19)

Reflection & Final Thoughts (51:42–end)

• No tattoos: “I don’t want to mark this beautiful expanse of skin. This is perfection.” (51:50)
• Favorite gangster rapper: “Ice-T. Quality. That is a smooth dude right there.” (53:35)
• Least-expected GWAR fan: “Maria Bamford. She put us in her show, Lady Dynamite.” (54:18–55:02)
• Worst human: “Never really liked Caitlyn Jenner…she just feels like a treacherous piece of shit.” (56:26–57:14)
• Best advice ever received: “Stay out of show business.” – Willie Nelson, delivered at a barrel fire (61:36)
• Final message to humanity: “People of Earth, fuck you.” (62:40)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Alien Diet:
  “What does an immortal intergalactic alien warrior eat? Pussy, man. Damn it. Space pussy. No, I mean, we eat all.” — Blöthar, (00:04)

• On American Music:
  “Christina Aguilera, incredible choice… both Spanish and English.” — Blöthar (10:31) “I don’t give a shit…can’t be bothered with music.” — Blöthar (11:46)

• On Modern Rock:
  “If your band sounds like what you get when you put a prompt into AI then you should just suck the muzzle of a gun. That’s what I say.” — Blöthar (12:15)

• On Stage Antics:
  “We bring [Trump] out all the time. Then we cut his fat tits off... shoots blood everywhere.” — Blöthar (09:23)

• On Humanity:
  “The only answer to us is that you must be eradicated. You have to be destroyed. Then we see… you’re doing a pretty goddamn good job of it yourselves.” — Blöthar (34:19)

• On the GWAR Audience:
  “Morbidly obese and neurodivergent… that guy.” — Blöthar (56:02)

• On Tattoos:
  “I don’t want to mark this beautiful expanse of skin. This is perfection. Why would I want to fuck around with it?” — Blöthar (51:50)

• On Comedy:
  “Horror movies are comedies. The Exorcist is pretty funny.” — Blöthar (49:00)

• Final Words:
  “People of Earth, fuck you.” — Blöthar (62:40)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Alien diet/favorite foods: 00:00–02:22
• Earth’s shape and moon landing: 05:41–06:44
• Favorite TV shows: 07:12–08:39
• Music preferences: 10:10–12:24
• AI discussion: 12:37–13:24
• Favorite movies: 14:02–14:34
• Perspective on Kiss and pop culture: 30:28–33:31
• GWAR's philosophy and touring: 36:52–41:05
• Fan stories: 46:18–48:14
• Comedy/horror: 48:36–51:34
• Advice/wisdom: 61:33–62:40

---

Conclusion

This episode is a wild, satirical, and sometimes surprisingly insightful ride through the warped mind of a GWAR alien overlord and his take on human absurdity, pop culture, consumption, and self-destruction. Fans of irreverent humor and those curious about GWAR’s behind-the-scenes antics will be both shocked and entertained from start to finish.

Fans can follow GWAR’s exploits, shop for delightfully absurd merch, or find tickets via GWAR.net.

---

“People of Earth, fuck you.” — Blöthar (62:40)

Transcript

[A]

What does an immortal intergalactic alien warrior eat?

[B]

What do I eat? Pussy, man. Damn it. Space pussy. No, I mean, we eat all.

[A]

Is it cold?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Freezing.

[B]

It's you. No one can hear you scream in space. Pussy. I mean, I. I mostly eat really high fat foods like, you know, whale blubber. Or you can. Perfect.

[A]

Perfect, Perfect, Perfect. What's up, everybody? Welcome back to the Dope As Usual podcast. My name is Thomas Dopas. Yolo, whatever you want to call me, welcome my co host, Marty o'. Neal. This is the Dope As Usual podcast. We're here to talk about life problems, drugs, accomplishments, and everything in between. And today is a whole lot of intergalactic and everything in between. Please introduce Blothar the Berserker from War. What's up? I like your bracelets. I like the addition of those. I just saw it.

[B]

Yes, thank you. I. I get these from human children. Give these to me right before I eat them.

[A]

I believe you.

[B]

And then I wear them right on,

[A]

right on cue for what's going on in the world right now, man. I believe. But this I expect.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I have a lot of questions for you, man.

[B]

All right. A lot.

[A]

Okay, so Gwarzen's what, over 40 years?

[B]

In 40 years, yes.

[A]

To an alien, that's nothing.

[B]

No, no, no. It's a drop in the bucket.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

This morning.

[A]

It was this morning. Okay, so I have a question. What is an immortal intergalactic alien warrior eat?

[B]

What do I eat, man? Damn it. Damn it. No. Yeah, space. No, I mean, we eat all.

[A]

Is it cold?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Freezing.

[B]

It's you. No one can hear you scream in space. No, we. I mean, I. I mostly eat really high fat foods like, you know, whale blubber. Huh? Steak teacher rose.

[A]

You name it, you left with whale blubber.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

That's that Nordic. Yeah, I like it. What's your favorite fast food? What's your go to then?

[B]

My favorite fast food, I mean, you know, McDonald's just sucks these days, man. You can't. You can't get a good in and out. Burger is fantastic. That's what McDonald's should be.

[A]

See, even in aliens agreeing in and out is just the best.

[B]

Oh, yeah, it's about. I mean, fat burger has a funny name, but in and out is where

[A]

the Brick Five guys makes me think it's something else, so I'll just stay away. You've been to a. Five guys don't.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, there's five guys jacking off in the back to it.

[A]

That's exactly what it Is.

[B]

Yeah, that's exactly five guys.

[A]

Jack in the Box.

[B]

All these homoerotic. Oh, Jack in the Box. Now, don't get me started there.

[A]

Of all your years here, you must have learned a lot about human life.

[B]

Yeah, we learned a lot. That's how we got started, is that, you know, once they uncovered us and thawed us out.

[A]

Antarctica.

[B]

Yeah. From our Antarctican tomb. They were like, well, we got a sleazy P. Martini was like, we gotta get these guys on track to be stupid enough to sell millions of records. So we sat there and watched professional wrestling and Saturday morning cartoons, and we learned everything about your culture from sitcoms. Laverne and Shirley.

[A]

Oh, all right.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Laverne and. Sure, That's a throwback. You've been here for a while.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We're.

[B]

We're old.

[A]

Really? Okay, question then. So you learned about this. Other aliens come. You know, they said other than he's gonna come down and contact us one day. Out of all the people besides you guys, the Grays, they talk about, right? Oh, God, are those the ass fools from where you're. From the lanes where he's.

[B]

Yes, the Grays. They're the people everybody hates. They're the people that, when you go to an intergalactic tackle shop, right, they, you know, and the guys there, like, you get familiar with them, you're joking around, and then they're like, yeah, well, listen, just between you and me, right, The Grays are ruining everything, right? Yes. Yes.

[A]

Are the Mexicans.

[B]

That's what I was trying to say without saying it.

[A]

I like. You went to tackle shop, not a Home Depot. I like that.

[B]

No, it's a. Don't be too.

[A]

Too direct.

[B]

Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, at a tackle shop, that's where, you know, the racism comes out slowly. You know, they gotta feel you out first.

[A]

I, like, get called boy eventually. Eventually.

[B]

Right.

[A]

So you've been here for a long time. If other aliens were to come down, like we always were, all expecting, who's the one human you're gonna send to represent us? Because, you know a lot about us. You know, the shittiest, the best.

[B]

I mean, you know, who represents the biggest. The biggest clown on the planet would have to be Donald Trump. I would send him.

[A]

He's.

[B]

He's. He's a great negotiator. I'm sure he could talk us out of absolute, you know, perishing under the alien overlords. But, I mean, really, they've been here forever for a long time. The aliens.

[A]

Underground?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Underground, underwater. Just, you know, you can only see

[A]

them when you get really high and off certain drugs. We think you're crazy, but you just actually see stuff.

[B]

Yeah, like. And they live. Yes.

[A]

Or the glasses.

[B]

Yes, that's right.

[A]

Okay, so being from another planet, is this Earth flat?

[B]

Is it flat? Flat as a board, I'm telling you. No, no, no, of course it's not flat. It's round, damn it. Yes.

[A]

So if I dig, I'm going round and flat?

[B]

It depends. On what? How you look at it. Like, this table right here, it's a lot like this. Damn it. He just proved it perfectly.

[A]

Lift it up. It's a. Oh, okay. Well, that's fine. Is the, Is the moon landing fake from our perspective? Did we really get there?

[B]

Moonlighting was totally fake. Okay? Even the new one was fake.

[A]

Oh, the new one where the celebrity. They sent celebrity ladies.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to be fake, right?

[A]

I don't, I don't trust any of those astronauts. Like Katy Perry, we need you.

[B]

I like, I, I don't actually. You know, I'm gonna backtrack on this. The first moon landing, I think was real, mainly because that guy Buzz Alter, like, when somebody suggests that it's fake, he wants to punch him out and he's like a hundred years old.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

I like that. I like that about him.

[A]

He's like the Jack lalanne of space.

[B]

All right?

[A]

He's a big, tough, old white man.

[B]

I like it.

[A]

I like them. Okay, so what is your favorite thing about this planet so far that you have personally found?

[B]

I mean, I like weed. I like what you guys do. I, I, I feel good about it. I like smoking and getting high. And I like, I like. Well, I like, I like television a lot, especially after weed.

[A]

What's your favorite three shows?

[B]

My favorite three shows are going to be, you know, Thousand Pound Sisters.

[A]

You don't know what it's like.

[B]

Yeah, I do know what it's like. I like Cops because I like to watch people get in trouble that aren't me.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

Does Cops even still come on?

[A]

It does, but it's now called PD. I'm good. Just give me 1990 people. Smoking, PCP, running away. That's what I want.

[B]

That's what I want. Like, you know, rednecks without a shirt.

[A]

Just always with a cigarette. Boomhauer. Basically, that's another show, King of the Hill.

[B]

And then I also, you know what I mean? I'm gonna go ahead out on a limb and say that I like American Dad. That's my other favorite show.

[A]

You would love Krampus in American Dad. I think you'd get along.

[B]

Yeah, Roger, that's a. That's what aliens are really like.

[A]

Yes. Psychologically insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Molesters, alcoholic. That's the kind of alien I want.

[B]

Yeah. Just like my dad. He knows how to suck a dick. What more could you want?

[A]

I don't know about my dad, but yes, aliens. Yes.

[B]

Roger's a wild. Look at Roger. He can stick his whole arm in his mouth.

[A]

He can.

[B]

He's a talented dude.

[A]

And he had his own. What, he reproduced without ever doing anything?

[B]

Yeah, that's right.

[A]

What's his name?

[B]

I don't know. Oh, oh, Rogu. Rogue.

[A]

You watch the new season? The last two?

[B]

Yeah, man.

[A]

I just finished them too.

[B]

They're great.

[A]

Actually.

[B]

I like it better than Family Guy.

[A]

For sure.

[B]

Yeah. I love Family Guy, but how do

[A]

you feel about our friends in Colorado, South Park?

[B]

Oh, man, they're awesome. Hilarious. Absolutely. You know, masters of walking the line and.

[A]

And sometimes just on that, y' all

[B]

just taking a dump all over everything. Yeah. I mean it. I like how they're doing it now, too. Like the. The world is changing and getting shitty so fast that they had to adopt a practice of not making it until right before the show.

[A]

Like, you know, so you never know what's gonna happen today.

[B]

Yeah. Really?

[A]

Yeah. Okay. So you said the biggest clown, the guy you would send would be Donald Trump. He's a great negotiator.

[B]

He is. He is. He's a great negotiator. He thinks he's a great.

[A]

And I've seen you guys bring him out on stage recently.

[B]

Yeah, we bring him out all the time. And then we cut his fat tits off.

[A]

And then he shoots blood everywhere.

[B]

Yes. And his womanly belly, those curves, just delicious.

[A]

So I would say if you're going to eat another human, it'd be Donald Trump. Or is that meat just gone bad?

[B]

He doesn't have a. I'm not gonna eat.

[A]

Oh, that's true.

[B]

No, I don't know. I mean. Well, he does have a man, I suppose. Yeah. I don't know. I would. I would. I don't know if I would eat Donald Trump. He looks like he. He looks like. He probably tastes pretty bad.

[A]

I think he tastes like cigarettes.

[B]

Yeah. Very chemical. It's like a Diet Coke taste.

[A]

Get that aspartame.

[B]

Yeah, you don't. You don't want that ass per game.

[A]

Okay. You've been here for a long time. What are your five favorite bands here? On Earth, besides yourselves. Because you are on Earth, but not of Earth.

[B]

That's tricky. That's tricky. Five favorite bands. I'm gonna go with. Well, it's not really a bad. But Christina Aguilera, incredible choice. That's number one.

[A]

On a Spanish or English version?

[B]

Oh, both.

[A]

Both.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, I'm gonna. I'm gonna go ahead and say, you know, Black Sabbath, they seem to have some good ideas.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

About things.

[A]

Those kids, man. Yeah, those kids.

[B]

Right. Speaking of kids, Menudo, are they still around?

[A]

They. One of them is. At least I know that.

[B]

I mean, yeah. Like, what a great idea. I wish Guar could do that. Just, you know, be Spanish and. Yeah.

[A]

You know.

[B]

Well, no, just like, we get to be a certain age and then we just disappear.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Ah, it's about 23. Yeah.

[A]

Ricky Martin stuck it out, though.

[B]

Oh, Ricky Martin is fantastic. You know, I forgot to mention him. But, you know, I don't know. I like Snoop Dogg. I like Snoop. Yeah. He seems to have a good sense of humor and a. A reasonable head on his shoulders. Of course, it would look better on my mantle, but. And then I'm gonna. I'm gonna go ahead and say, I don't know. It was so hard. It's so hard. Blood Zeppelin.

[A]

Nice. I like the way you. We dropped that bomb at the end.

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean, I. I was just sitting there thinking of names of bands, because the truth of matter is that I don't give a. I can't be bothered with music.

[A]

Okay, so on that topic, on Earth, what's the one music genre you're getting rid of? If you could just press a button and it's gone.

[B]

I mean, rock and roll is probably the most disappointing of genres now. Don't you think? I would get rid of that.

[A]

Oh, well, what about the years? What about, like, 1993 and down?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean, you know, but that's the past. Like we're talking about now. Have you listened to it? It's like, if your band sounds like what you get when you put a prompt in to AI then you should just suck the muzzle of a gun. That's what I said.

[A]

Oh, I like that.

[B]

And there's a lot of bands that do that. Like, you know, I mean, if anything, like, we should be feeding the AI Just a bunch of bullshit. So it comes.

[A]

Sucks.

[B]

Yeah. Or something, you know, something truly original. Like, that's.

[A]

That's just because AI is learning off of. Off of us. We've seen Terminator. It's Skynet. One day it's going to come. I mean, you'll be fine. But one day it's going to ruin us.

[B]

So it's so completely obvious that that's

[A]

going to happen for sure. And. And I think we should start making him kind of like a little give AI anxiety. We should start typing in anxiety prompts every day to make this fool think he needs us.

[B]

Stress it out.

[A]

So when it. We have stress it out to the. To its end. And then when he tries to take over, he won't have the confidence to take over. Right.

[B]

That's exactly what you do. Raise him like we were raised as children.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Undermine his confidence and make him afraid of everything.

[A]

Make him read his C report in front of everyone. Just bring his confidence down. There's nothing but red marks all over my shit. I still got to read it.

[B]

Yeah. Tell him how disappointed you are in him all the time.

[A]

The neighbor's kid's better.

[B]

Yeah, everything. You know, I wish you were your brother. Bi.

[A]

All right, so you've been here. You said you don't have time for music, but you do have time for shows.

[B]

I do, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so over the course of Cinema the past 200 years, what's your favorite movies? Three favorite movies you can watch all the time. But they can't be alien movies.

[B]

Can't be alien movies. Oh, man, that's biased. Yeah, that is. Yeah, that's. That's. That's. That presents a like, black rainbow.

[A]

I don't know what that is.

[B]

Oh, it's confusing and despairing. I like that. What else do I like? Let me see. I like. I like demons. That's a good movie. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. You.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Demons.

[B]

Spooky and old. Yeah, I like. I like, you know, Russ Myers movies like, oh, the Valley of the Ultrabooks.

[A]

I know what you're talking about. None of them. Girls with gigantic boobs.

[B]

That's. There you go.

[A]

Over and over again.

[B]

That's the best thing about humanity.

[A]

That's where they got Baywatch from. They just watched a Russ Myers movie.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I mean, it's. Things like that. I mean, guar. We. We have come to love American culture in all of its forms. And definitely, yes, B movies are a. Movies in our book. Like, you don't like. What's the one? Miami Connection. That's a good one.

[A]

Well, you're. You have stumped me.

[B]

Miami Connection takes place in Orlando Figure.

[A]

Okay, so I have a question on your planet. What are drugs like there?

[B]

Well, you know, we were quite taken with crack cocaine when we got here.

[A]

You got it from us.

[B]

Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, that, that's, that's an American thing. That is definitely an American thing. You take something as wonderful as cocaine and you figure out how you can make it. The fast food version of it. We love it. Yeah, brilliant. But I, I mean, in outer space, the drugs are completely different. I mean, there's, it's, it's, it's more like an experience, right? You, you know, you go into a place and you sit down and then somebody comes in and they just lather you head to toe with a gelatin like substance. And then you feel yourself leaving your body and you're floating above your body and you're looking at your body and then you say to yourself, God damn it, this is the spirit, my spiritual self. And I'm looking at myself and myself, why am I fat? My soul is fat. Oh, it just makes you so sad. I've got a fat soul. Nobody wants that. I want to get out of myself. That's why I like crack cocaine, because when I smoke it, I feel thin and then I actually get thin.

[A]

We have a lot in common.

[B]

Yeah, Ozempic.

[A]

When, when I was floating above my body on drugs, I was also still fat. And it pissed me off too.

[B]

Damn it. You look at your soul, it's like, shouldn't I be able to be my best self? You telling me this is as good as it gets? It's just that fat piece of down there.

[A]

It's not just me, it's aliens too. You can see a move go, I'm not fat. Huh?

[B]

Oh, it's heartbreaking.

[A]

Didn't you see aliens when you're out there? Yeah, but they were soft as compared to you guys.

[B]

Yeah, it's those little. I mean, you know, we're talking high in drug culture. You know, the little, the little people that you see that tell you everything. The machine elves or whatever they call

[A]

them, like, oh, I see. I haven't done the dmt. I took a lot of mushrooms where I was floating and talking to people in the sky.

[B]

Pretty much all drugs in outer space are like dmt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So this ain't so. Crackle Cane is the one that just got a hold of you, huh?

[B]

Yeah, it's like coffee for us, you

[A]

know, I could see that's like coffee for people in my family too. Not saying they're doing it in the morning. Just keep them up.

[B]

Oh, somebody give me that pipe.

[A]

So besides crack cocaine, after a long day of slaughtering humans on our, on our planet and eating them.

[B]

How do you unwind, man? I like to smoke money.

[A]

Smoke money?

[B]

Yeah. Just roll up the cash. Smoke it.

[A]

Can you taste the currency?

[B]

I can, man. I got, you know, we got a lot of money, and that's why, that's what we do with it. We just.

[A]

Oh, so that's why you do the band by. We make money so we can smoke it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[A]

I like where this is going.

[B]

I mean, we can eat it too, but, but we also smoke it.

[A]

Speaking of smoking, I'm gonna light this joint. But keep, keep.

[B]

Do it, do it, do it. Light it up. Yeah. I mean, I like to relax, you know, I mean, I, I, I touch myself. I, I leisurely masturbate and watch Thousand Pound Sisters, you know, that's what I do. Usually. Something like that. Something along those lines.

[A]

Okay, before a Thousand Pound Sisters, what did you touch yourself to?

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean, back in the day, it was just, you know, Mr. Rogers.

[A]

Oh, yeah. See, I was gonna go Bob Ross.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But yes, Mr. Rogers, too.

[B]

He's handsome, you know. He's great. Bob Ross.

[A]

That Bob Ross hair you can really hold on to.

[B]

Remember that little squirrel he has in his pocket? The squirrel? Yeah.

[A]

I don't remember.

[B]

Squirrel in his pocket, man.

[A]

Can you see that? Are you saying.

[B]

No, no, no, there is a squirrel.

[A]

I don't remember that because I. We have Bob Ross paint night at my house. We smoke weed and we follow along and paint. He's too good. You know what you have to do? Press and pause 40 times. Because I'm not an artist, dude. It just takes a long time. Okay, so through the years, how, hold on. How many, how long have you been here?

[B]

Well, I mean, really since the dawn of time. Oh, we were banished here from our, our home planets, you know.

[A]

When did you get on? Thought?

[B]

Well, I mean, basically, you know, we met in boot camp. War. Like, you know, we, we formed a group. We were intergalactic warriors, and we had a job to do and we did it poorly. I don't know, you know, you're. I, I would imagine that your audience may be too young. Of the show. F Troop.

[A]

F Troop.

[B]

F Troop. Yeah, it's, it basically stood for Up Troop. Like, you know, that's what we are. We, we, we made a lot of mistakes. We didn't do the right thing. Let's just say that if we were in charge of bobbing Iran, right then Iraq would be flattened. That's, that's, that's the kind of thing that we would do.

[A]

We hit the wrong one.

[B]

Whoops. Whoops. That was Saudi Arabia. Didn't mean to do that.

[A]

You actually get into the construction business.

[B]

That's what the.

[A]

Happens a lot.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah. I mean, so, yeah, we were basically screw ups and we were banished to Earth. And once we got here, we. Well, I'm not proud of it, but we. We apes and humans were born. That's our biggest mistake. Oh, yeah. And we got in trouble for that. That's why we got frozen. We got frozen for apes. But they were delicious. Look at them. Look at how sexy a goddamn ape is. Every single one of them.

[A]

The baboons with red asses.

[B]

Oh, my. That's tempting. That's. That's where I got my ass. I mean, I didn't. You know, I wasn't born with this. This is a Bolivian butt lift.

[A]

Oh, is it?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How much was that?

[B]

More than you can afford. Oh, no. Souls.

[A]

It costs souls.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. So does everybody have like six. Six dicks in your planet? Because you do.

[B]

Well, yeah. I mean, I've got. I've got four.

[A]

Oh, four. Sorry.

[B]

And I also have a. A vagina which you can't see is under the beard. Yeah, yeah, it's so. I've got that. I mean, I'm. I'm. Blowar is a. I. I like to speak about myself in this. In. In the third person like that, you know, I say blowar. Blow thigh. He has four penises and he is fine with it. I'm happy with it. And they're not really penises. They're clitoris. They're gigantic, deformed looking clitoris. Clitorati, I call it. Yes. But don't they shoot out stuff at our audience? They do. Yes. Yes. I hose them down with my clitorati.

[A]

I love it. That was one of the better things I've heard in so long. The clitorati. Okay. I'm gonna find somebody that also has glitterati. I love that. That was cool.

[B]

Good luck. I mean, you gotta. Nobody likes anything more than a really giant. That's what they're looking for.

[A]

It's a box.

[B]

Yeah. I want to be able to.

[A]

Exactly. I want some wind when it comes back and forth, right?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Okay. You've been here for a while. You love shows. Lothar, you have to take an. An Earth theme game show. What is your show going to be? No. No restrictions. Nothing. What is it? Is it a. Is it a dating show? Is it a gladiator combat show? What is it?

[B]

Yeah. Or both.

[A]

If you lose, you Just die.

[B]

That's a good one. I mean, I don't know, like, maybe. Who wants to be a thousandaire? Like, I mean, I don't want people to win too much money.

[A]

Want to be kind of like, oh, yeah, good weekend. Right?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, basically what you do is you take people, ordinary people, and, and you bring them on to a show and you present them with a series of questions that it's absolutely impossible for them to answer, but somehow every answer they give is correct. And. And then at the end of it, you know, you just turn them inside out and wear them.

[A]

Oh, yeah. So a murder show.

[B]

I like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, humans make good boots, right? Like, you just put your foot in their ass and then.

[A]

Yeah, I could see, that's what I do.

[B]

I'm saying that. But then I'm thinking to myself, a cooking show might be better.

[A]

Humans or you're like, real are like food that we eat?

[B]

Well, no, like, yeah, like Iron Chef. I mean, I want to know, you know, how do you make a bechamel? I don't know. What's a bechamel? I like that. I like cooking shows. I like. I don't know. I like, like, I like animal shows. You know, I mean, maybe we could. Maybe we could do something where humans have to compete. You know what? I think that, that gorilla competition would be a great. Guy versus gorilla versus gorilla. Yeah. 500 gorillas.

[A]

500 gorillas.

[B]

One guy.

[A]

One guy. But I have unlimited fentanyl.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if I. I could take out six apes at once, and then you can have sex with it.

[B]

Ah, well, speaking of shows, how's guire

[A]

feel about Beavis and Butthead?

[B]

Beavis and Butthead are fantastic. Come on, we owe them everything. Yes, there are a couple of. Those are two. When I think of Aristotle and Socrates and Beavis and Butthead, these are names that belong together, you know?

[A]

I agree.

[B]

Yeah. They look at the world and they say to themselves, this is stupid. My favorite thing that they do is when they, you know, at Christmas in Hollis, and they have that weird looking elf and he's like going. And then every time they show up here they go, ah, right. You know, they. They know, they see. I'm telling you, Beavis and Butthead have the eyes to see that which exists but which humans cannot detect. The other world that we live in and surrounds us all the time. I think I may have been inhaling some of that.

[A]

The fourth dimension.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[A]

Okay, so crack cocaine, American dad, human versus gorilla.

[B]

Yeah. Cooking shows.

[A]

What is your Favorite animal on this planet not to bang. Just in general.

[B]

Yeah, just in general. I mean, I mean, you know, sex wise, it's gonna be. Let me tell you, the baboon, like you said. I mean, baboon, you can't, you can't get over.

[A]

And they're strong. They can just hold you.

[B]

Yeah. Ain't them with a baboon, I mean. Yes. And they're very clingy too. That's right. Like, you know, they'll, they'll commit to you.

[A]

You're like lesbians after two days, right. They'll move in with each other. All right, that's. Yeah, I know you know that.

[B]

Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. But don't let this haircut fool you. I grow it this way. But no, I, I, I, I, I, I. What was the question?

[A]

So you know your favorite animal?

[B]

My favorite animal. I don't know. I kind of like hippopotamuses because they look like they. It took me a long time to learn how to say that word too. It.

[A]

Hippopotamus.

[B]

Yeah, I used to say hippopotamus, but. And that's in my, in our. But really, I, I just think that they're cute. They have interesting feet. I like feet. I like, you know, like, like those little feet that they have, their little toes. And I like the fact that they will rip you to shreds if you just for being anywhere near them. No, you don't have to piss them off. You just have to walk by and they are filled with rage.

[A]

That's true. They look nice filled with rage. Cool feet. Yeah, that's what we're looking for in a girl.

[B]

That's what I want, you know, in a woman. Yes. Nice looking, really big waistband. You know what I'm saying? The deeper the quicksand.

[A]

Oh, I like that. You must have come up with a lot of good things over the years. How long ago were you thawed out

[B]

before.

[A]

Before tv?

[B]

Well, I mean, so we were thawed fairly recently, right? Like I'm gonna say 1984. Oh, right. And there are a numerous guar beings that still exist in Antarctica and have not been thawed out. Like, you know, we're still finding them all the time, so. But yes, I mean, we were thawed all at one time when Sleazy P or the, the current group was thought out. When Sleazy P Martini found us and decided to put us in front of late night television and watch, you know, a bunch of B movies and learn. Learn what we could about American life and humanity.

[A]

Okay. Have you ever driven a car?

[B]

I have not driven a car.

[A]

I think you wouldn't fit in the average car.

[B]

No, no, I don't, I, I can't drive a car. I can't drive. I don't have a license. I don't have a photo id. I can't vote.

[A]

That's why.

[B]

You kidding me? Yeah, I mean, I, I, I, I have a scooter. Yeah.

[A]

Electric?

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Regular razor.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, just a razor. Of course. Can you imagine that? Bowling ball on a roller skate.

[A]

Okay, what's up guys? Taking a moment from the super normal episode to talk about the sponsor of this episode. My bookie. NBA playoffs are here, guys. Remember, with my bookie you can bet on anything, anytime, anywhere. And if you use our code dope as usual at checkout, you will get the 500 bet back bonus. We've been doing this promo for a few weeks. Take advantage of it before it's gone. The bet back bonus up to $500 if you bet $500. If you bet $30, you bet $450 and you end up losing the bet. My bookie will give you your money back up to $500. Say you want to bet on your favorite NBA team and they end up sucking and you lose your bet up to $500, you'll get your money right back. Shout out to my boogie for the bet back bonus. And remember, you don't need to know everybody's rebounds and their stats and everything. You could just bet on what team you think is going to win. You don't need to know about parlays, you don't need to know about double ups and all these bonus offers. If you just want to bet, my bookie makes it that easy. But remember, use our code dope as usual. Go sign up and if you already used it, sign up from your friend's phone, make them sign up and use the 500 bet back bonus. Remember, it's the NBA playoffs. There's a lot going on. Shout out to my boogie for sponsoring this episode. Back to this super normal guest episode. So 1984, we had some people here that tried to be what you are, but you're the real thing. Their names were Kiss and they were in the 70s. So when you came with your real life attire and that made them look like little Puerto Ricans when they had no more makeup, when they all came out with no, they look Puerto Rican and Italian. So how do you feel about Kiss? And then your, your children that saw you later on Slipknot, they were like I think we could do something like this.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

All right. So do. How do you feel about that?

[B]

Well, I mean, you know, KISS weren't the only ones. People always look at Kiss and they say. They look at Guar and they say, oh, you guys looked at Kiss. You know, whatever.

[A]

You were in the ice.

[B]

They.

[A]

No, you made them look dumb.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This is your real life, Right, Right, right.

[B]

I mean, well, the thing is that Guar. We were really more into things like. I don't know. Do you remember the song Popcorn?

[A]

It's like the synthesizer from the 80s, right?

[B]

Yeah. It's stuff like that. That's what we like. But anything that sucks.

[A]

But I mean, anything that sucks is what you like.

[B]

But seriously, I mean, you know, Devo. We love Devo. We loved the Tubes, bands like that. Kiss. Yes, of course, Kiss, they were great as a young person. They actually absolutely toasted my brain because, for one thing, they could get away with singing about things like Christine 16. What the is this guy doing? Like, parking outside of a high school and waiting for girls to walk outside. Yes. And this is. This guy is on television all the time. Somebody should have noticed that. Yeah, I guess it's Christie 60. I don't know what the.

[A]

But you are right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nobody heard that.

[B]

Nobody heard that. Nobody, you know, meet you, greet you in the ladies room. What the is going on with that?

[A]

Even the Beatles. She was just 17, you know what I mean? What do you mean, huh? What does that mean, sir?

[B]

Well, it was a different time.

[A]

It was. And it was England. Oh, they're backwards.

[B]

That's gross.

[A]

Yeah, England is gross.

[B]

Nothing good about that place.

[A]

We left food except the food. Oh, everything that sucks. You like, huh? That's right.

[B]

Mushy peas, blood sausage. Can't get enough of it.

[A]

Anything that sucks. All right. We'll find some stuff that sucks for you. All right? So anything that sucks that you must love some great R B and pop people then, like, oh, you just led with your scene. Aguilera, you do like things that suck. I like this.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Christina Aguilera is great. Britney Spears, fantastic. She's clearly lost her mind.

[A]

She's better. Yeah, she's. Maybe she's just on good drugs.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

Maybe she's on the drugs that you're. That. Maybe she's on drugs from your planet.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I wish somebody would give me back my money, you know? They've got my money in a trust like they did hers. My father. My father controls it. Gotta have him killed.

[A]

Eat her money. I Like that you eat. Sit down and relax by eating money change. Do you eat? Ch. Pennies are gone. Are you gon. It goes.

[B]

It's a waste of time. We just, you know, we tried smoking. I mean, we just smoke the cash. We eat the money. We do. Yeah, I know. The pennies. Pennies are gone. That sucks. Where do you think they went? I don't know. I think now, I guess it's a nickel for your thoughts. I don't know.

[A]

It is, it is that. And also I want my change. Well, you just keep my three cents.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I mean, I haven't touched pennies in a while because. From cash, but still. Okay, you've seen humans do a lot of stupid. You've seen these wars. Do you just love our wars? You'd love to see the carnage because you kill humans and now humans are killing humans. Do you just sit back and watch?

[B]

Well, I mean, the truth of the matter is that war has done. We have done our job too well. We have informed, you know, and we look around ourselves and we see the absolute despair of humanity and how you treat one another, how you treat animals, how you treat the world. And, and the only answer to us is that you must be eradicated. You have to be destroyed. And then we see, well, you're doing a pretty goddamn good job of it yourselves. And the truth of the matter is that we have inspired this and we're perfectly happy with it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So you must love the Middle East.

[B]

My vacation spot.

[A]

Yes. Sit back and watch bodies literally burn.

[B]

Nothing. I like like toes between my sand. Our sand between my toes. Toes between my sand. I'm high.

[A]

Yes, you are.

[B]

Sand between my toes. And the smell of roasting flesh.

[A]

Nice. So all these creeps coming out, all these people killing people and doing rituals, this is nothing to you? No, no, no, you don't do rituals. It's just a morning thing.

[B]

Well, I mean, the thing about it is that you got. It's so hard to surprise humans now because they can turn on television and watch someone be beheaded. What kind of. And nothing. Nothing is too extreme for humanity. I've noticed that you think that, you think that, that, that, that something is too far and then you turn on TV and they're doing it. That's what happens. That's the way it goes. Humans are just absolutely depraved. Oh, yes, yes, yes. But we manage, we manage to upset them nonetheless.

[A]

So we must be eradicated. Are you going to leave anybody despair about some fast food workers? Come on, a couple.

[B]

Well, fast food Workers are exempt.

[A]

Okay. See? Yeah, yeah, they're already in hell, right?

[B]

Yeah, they really are, man. I don't know. Who would we leave? I mean, strippers seem like nice people.

[A]

They do seem like. And they don't have dads. You have to deal with anything.

[B]

They try so hard.

[A]

Yeah, they do try hard, you know,

[B]

I mean, I give him money for a typing class or something. You know, go to night school, figure it out.

[A]

Come on, cinnamon, you type 50 words a minute. You have. You have potential.

[B]

Why do that when you can shake your beaver?

[A]

Why not, right? And have this guy eat it?

[B]

And how the get to be associated with beaver?

[A]

Jeez, I don't know. Maybe you tell me. You've been around. You've been here. Yeah.

[B]

It's weird though. Big teeth. I don't know. I've never seen one with teeth.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

How about a shaved beaver? Can you imagine a shaved beaver?

[A]

That's a cat.

[B]

Like, that's a cat. Yes.

[A]

That's just a cat.

[B]

A cat with an overbite is what that is.

[A]

That's exactly what it is. A cat in the South. So I know you're on tour right now. You're doing your stuff, and I know this episode of the Internet will come out soon. Where can everybody find your next shows to come to the show and get sprayed?

[B]

Well, we're playing in San Diego tomorrow. Oh, and. And you know, Guar is busy. We're. We're on tour right now. You can just go to gua.net and you can see what. What we have coming up along with all of our. All of our products that we sell. We sell a lot of products. Let me tell you a lot of them. There is no limit to how we will prostitute ourselves.

[A]

Okay, what's your favorite product you sell?

[B]

Ah, I like the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu. It's a. It's a two foot long, six inch wide dildo. We call it a marital aid, but it doesn't really fix marriages at all. Anything. It harms the. You know what?

[A]

I don't. I know you're telling the truth right now. You're not just pulling my leg.

[B]

No. You gotta.

[A]

What was the name of it again?

[B]

The Cuttlefish of Cthulhu.

[A]

The Cuttlefish.

[B]

Yeah, look it up. There's some progress videos online that you might be interested in.

[A]

Oh, okay. Hold on. Is this. Oh, okay. I love the name.

[B]

There you go. That's the small.

[A]

There is. There is no. There is no limit to the prostitution of yourself. I love that because why you don't have human authority. Nobody cares.

[B]

No, and that's a fish. It's not a dick. I mean, it's a fish. Yeah, with a brain. Yeah, clearly.

[A]

It's clearly a fish with balls.

[B]

Yeah, it's just a fish with brain balls.

[A]

Okay. I love that. That's your favorite. Your favorite thing.

[B]

Yeah, that's us. Guar has balls for braids.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Do you do any shows on other planets?

[B]

Ah, not really.

[A]

I mean, you'll leave anymore.

[B]

It doesn't. In outer space. We're not that special, you know, we're just. Everybody out there is like us. So. Yeah, I mean, that's why we stay on. On the planet Earth. I mean, for a little while, it was like, you know, an intergalactic Gilligan's Island. We would always wear coconut bras and look for things to make radios and try to find a way to get off the planet. But eventually we were like, you know what? We should just stay here. We can do anything. Yeah. You know, I could blow on my thumb and I can grow to the size of the Empire State Building. And, you know, so, I mean, why not stay here?

[A]

Okay. Does your. Does your four dicks get bigger or your clitorati get bigger when you grow to the size of a skyscraper?

[B]

They do.

[A]

They do.

[B]

Okay. They do. I'm like, you know, what was the Indian guy that. And he would be like, oh, come on. And then he would grow really big. Was a cartoon? I don't know.

[A]

Oh, wow. You have stumped me today. The Indian guy?

[B]

Yeah, he was an Indian. Well, I mean, like a Native American guy.

[A]

Oh, why was I thinking, Apu?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I'm sorry. Yes, I know exactly what you're talking about now. The Native American. Yeah, that was from. That was from before you were on Thawed. Holy. That was a throwback. Oh, man, you must use the Internet a lot.

[B]

Well, Guar is into. I mean, we are into everything. Pop culture. That's what we are. We're a bunch of geeks. We're a bunch of nerds.

[A]

A bunch of Bobby Hills.

[B]

Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's why Mike Judge recognized us. We gotta put them in. Beavis and Butthead. Gotcha.

[A]

So did you guys get the call, or did he attempt to get a hold of you in person?

[B]

I just remember seeing it on tv. Nobody didn't even know it was coming on. Like, you know, we're sitting there watching it. The next thing we see Beavis and Butthead talking about Guar. Yeah. It was a different time. That was before the Internet, you understand? Or maybe it was. Some people might have had the Internet. The Grays had the Internet.

[A]

The gays is what he wants to refer to him, because those are the made ones, right? The Grayson.

[B]

But yeah, I mean, so we learned about it like everybody else did. It was a. A great. A great boon to us. But, yeah, that's what Guar is, man. We're just a bunch of freaking. And we. Let me tell you something. Gua would not exist without weed. There is no question about it.

[A]

What is Guar's tolerance? Like, what is Blothar the Berserker's edible tolerance?

[B]

I mean, in the. In the. In the early days of this. Of this band, we would commune around. We called it Wisdom Weed. Give me some wisdom. Some wisdom. Yeah. We'd sit around and smoke weed and. And talk about what kind of we could do, you know, like, I tell you what, let's have a giant ass that shoots into the crowd, just hoses the crowd down with. And then we'd say, you know what? That's a good idea. And then we'd actually do it. That's. That's what Guar is. That's the spirit of Gua. Don't talk about it. Do it. Yes, but first you got to talk about it.

[A]

Get so high.

[B]

You. You.

[A]

Now you don't. Your pants, you get so high, you could spray them. Blood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Piss, semen. Semen, pus, p. Everything like it.

[B]

I mean, you know, and. And.

[A]

And.

[B]

And. And it's. It's limitless, you know? Like, what stupid thing can you imagine? What ridiculous figure can we kill? And then you just do it. That's what's so great about Guar.

[A]

Have you ever gotten pushback from any secret Service or anybody showing up at your door or anything crazy? Ah.

[B]

I mean, we get pushback now because the world has apparently really thinned out in the skin department. So, yeah, occasionally we do. I mean, we killed Elon Musk, and this was right after Charlie. I wanted to say Charlie Rich, but I know that's not him.

[A]

Kirk.

[B]

He's still alive. Yeah. Charlie. Kirk. You know, right after that, we did our normal show and cut off Elon Musk's head and decapitate or disembowel Trump. And people. People lost their. We're like, we've been doing this for 40 years. You were not paying attention. What the hell are you so upset about? God. And, you know, and nobody. Nobody thought that we were. I don't know. Now everybody Thinks guar is like, ah, yeah, yeah. You're radical. Right. You know, but we've always done this. I mean, and. And before, nobody would get upset about it. Now everybody cries like a baby. Either side.

[A]

Thin the herd up for us.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

There's a lot of people that need

[A]

killing, like Jay and Silent Bob when they go and find everyone talking about him at the end of the movie. Oh, you guys need to go through every forum.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thin the herd of the thin skin, like you said.

[B]

Yeah. So we get pushed back. I mean, but, you know. Yes. But then we just, I don't know, push back against the pushback. Really? We just kill them, you know?

[A]

Yeah. So what do you. What are they gonna do about it?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Out of all the movies you've seen, who has played or depicted an alien, intergalactic immortal alien like yourself, the best. What has. You've gone like, oh, I know a guy that looks just like that back home. Who has done it the best.

[B]

Well, you know, I mean, I used to think that if we did a movie, I would want to cast Dom DeLuise as much.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Because I think he would do it.

[A]

He would do a great job with the wrists.

[B]

Yeah. But I don't know. Let me see. I mean, e T was close. Yeah. Yeah. I would go with that.

[A]

That mute alien.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I like him.

[B]

He was so ridiculous. I like that. Yeah. ET Very close. That. That's something I recognize.

[A]

Okay. I love it.

[B]

And then also the ones that come down that you never see, you know, and it. It Close Encounters of the third Kai and they come down and the guy. Potatoes.

[A]

Yeah, a lot of mashed potatoes, man.

[B]

Mashed potato mountain. That's a drug story. We got. We used to. We used to have a roadie and he. We were going across the Canadian border, which is a hassle even for guar. Okay. Yes. And we're sitting there with fingers up our butt going across the. The border and in. In the equipment truck. Like, he literally rode inside the equipment truck. There was a roadie and he had taken. He. He realized we were at the border and so he just shoved a whole sheet of acid into his body mouth. And then for the rest of the time. Every time I saw him after that, he had a giant mound of mashed potatoes in front of him and he was just trying to eat through the high. It didn't work.

[A]

I love it. Where's he at today?

[B]

Jail. Yeah, he is. He is in prison. Yes, that's right.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I'm not even Making it up.

[A]

I believe you. There's no need to lie. That's a human thing. Yes.

[B]

We all make mistakes. Stinks.

[A]

A question on the road, even for Guar. What's something you've seen from a fan that shocked you?

[B]

I mean, in the early days of the band, now, that was a lot of fun. People would throw up their. Actually, that happened the last time we played in Los Angeles. Somebody threw up an artificial limb. You know, that's always. They needed that, too.

[A]

I know.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. I mean, that's not like losing your shoe in the pit. Like, you gotta walk. Where are you gonna go without that?

[A]

That's dedication. They want us. They know they're gonna meet you no matter what. They need that leg back.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's a good way to. It's a good way to meet the band. Yeah.

[B]

It really is. So, I mean, that. That's. That's a little shocking. I don't know. I mean, we. We. Sometimes you just look in the crowd and you see somebody that looks really funny. That's what I like. Look at that dude. He looks ridiculous. Sometimes when we've been doing a lot of drugs, we look into the crowd and we see all kinds of things. I don't know. You know, one time we played. We played in Tijuana. Speaking of drugs. Yeah. And I was very impressed with Tijuana. You know, the. The Kmart had live chickens in it. It was unbelievable. But we were playing, and there was a gigantic Mexican guy that was right beside us on stage. He was a security guard. And, I mean, he was really big. And we were playing, and we're playing our songs and all that stuff. And we had all been doing acid, right? And we look over and we're like, that guy's getting really mad, right? And he. And he got sprayed with noodles. Like, noodles are all over him. And he just looked. He was frowning, like. And so the whole band, by the end of the set, we were on the other side of the drums.

[A]

Stay away from.

[B]

Yeah. Because we were afraid this guy was gonna just go through us like a hot knife through butter. But he never did.

[A]

No.

[B]

And afterwards, he joined the band.

[A]

Exactly. I say. Or eat him.

[B]

No, no, no, no. He. He's with us now.

[A]

Nice. You stole a Mexican and brought him to America.

[B]

I like it. I like it. An illegal alien.

[A]

An illegal. You guys both are illegal aliens.

[B]

Technically, we call him El Guapo. I don't know what that means.

[A]

It means king.

[B]

Does it. No.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I Think it means.

[A]

It means handsome.

[B]

Yeah. Choncho. I like that one.

[A]

I like that. I like that. It's a good movie. I like Nacho Libre. So you. Do you like comedies?

[B]

I love comedies.

[A]

Oh, because you talked about nothing but demons earlier, so I thought maybe your favorite movies were just demon movies. But you like American dad and Christina Aguilera. That's funny.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, look, look, look. We love comedy. We love all kinds of. Of films. I mean, Russ Myers movies are hilarious. And to us, horror movies are comedies. You got to understand that. It's true.

[A]

So what's your funniest horror movie? What's the funniest horror movie ever made?

[B]

Yeah, the Exorcist is pretty funny.

[A]

It is pretty funny.

[B]

Yeah. I like that with the pea soup and all that stuff.

[A]

House of a Thousand Corpses is pretty fun.

[B]

Oh, my God. That's hilarious. It's a great one. Texas Chainsaw Massacre. These are great comics.

[A]

Anybody with stamina would just win in that. In the movie, you know.

[B]

Airplane. No, that's a great movie.

[A]

That's a great movie. Spaceballs. You see, they're remaking it.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Whoa.

[B]

Gotta see that. Spaceball.

[A]

See that?

[B]

Yeah. Airplane. Absolutely brilliant. You know, anything by Mel Brooks. We love it.

[A]

Blazing Saddles.

[B]

Oh, my God. Blazing Saddles. Now that is a movie that they could not make today.

[A]

That's a movie before Thin skin.

[B]

Yes, and maybe they should not make it, but still, it's a hilarious movie.

[A]

I'll support it today.

[B]

I don't care.

[A]

Hey, is there racism where you're from?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Oh, yes, of course.

[B]

There's racism all over the world. It's speciesism.

[A]

Speciesism. That's what it is.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's all. You watch. You watch Deep Space Nine, right? And they're all hanging around in a bar. That would never happen.

[A]

So, like in Star wars, at the bar. That would never happen.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean. I mean, yeah. Yeah. I mean, the crab people hate. The lizard people hate the pig people. You know, it's all. It's just a big mess.

[A]

All right, so one question before we get too far gone, because you said it earlier, you could blow on your thumb and be the Empire State Building size. What other powers do you have?

[B]

Well, I have these clitorati that shoot steaming hot molten lava into the crowd. So I have that. I have a. I have a very powerful butt. Yeah, my butt is. It'll. It'll move. It's got the power to transfix species, like. Like gorillas. Into wanting to get a piece of that. But I don't know. I mean, I mean, I've got a lot of different powers. I have the power of confusion. I can make anyone confused.

[A]

I believe that I can make people

[B]

unhappy just by talking. That's a power. I can inspire despair in even the cheeriest person just by showing up and being myself.

[A]

That's the power. That's a power.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It is inspirational.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, really, you know, war. I mean, I know how to sing, you know. I guess that's a power. I don't know. I mean, for us it's all power. God, I'm high.

[A]

Well, our, our weed is stronger than space weed. No, no, the crack cocaine is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, the crack. Crack is good though.

[A]

Okay, my last question. Why doesn't Guar have any tattoos? Do you not like tattoos?

[B]

Well, I mean, some of the.

[A]

No, you. Oh, sorry. Me both are. Sorry. I'm high now.

[B]

I, I, I don't have any tattoos because I don't want to mark this beautiful expanse of skin. Okay. Kidding me. This is perfection. Why do I want to around with it? What idea could I possibly have that is going to be better than the way that the creator made me? None.

[A]

That's what Same.

[B]

Really? You don't have any?

[A]

Nope.

[B]

Peace, man. Oh, that's badass. Yeah.

[A]

Why would I want to do this? I don't want to this up.

[B]

Yeah, right. I mean.

[A]

And I'm afraid of needles.

[B]

Yeah. That. I hate needles too.

[A]

Unless they have cool in them.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, if I was in prison, maybe I'd get one. Maybe I'll get one just on my face. Like. I like that. You know now that's fashionable.

[A]

It would be. Yeah.

[B]

Everything in pro is. I'm wondering if people are just going to start stabbing each other with like, you know, containers.

[A]

Yeah. Go to England right now. Yeah. You get stabbed for existing over there. Yeah.

[B]

Everything that's in prison is, is cool now.

[A]

Face tats, molestation.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Scamming. I like this.

[B]

Male rape.

[A]

Male rape. It's all racism.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah.

[A]

Segregation.

[B]

I like this obvious racism. Blatantly. I mean, why hide it?

[A]

Yeah, it's. It's stronger if you don't hide it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Marty, do you have any questions? You have strong racism. Strong racism. Marty, do you have any questions for Bothar? Because I know he has a concert to go spray everybody with semen after this.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And he has to get going. What's both our favorite gangster rapper?

[B]

Oh, favorite gay. I mean, look, Ice Tea quality. That is a smooth dude right there.

[A]

This now plays a cop on tv.

[B]

I know, I know.

[A]

Shocking.

[B]

Yeah, well, he's got a lot of challenge, you know, he's a. He's got a lot of any. And he loves cop killer to cop. Who else can do that?

[A]

He loves guar.

[B]

Oh, I see his big, big guar fan. I met him when we played the Palladium years ago. He came backstage and we knew who it. Who it was before he even got there because he said, I'm coming to the walk through right now. And we're like, oh, that's Ice D. Yeah, it was great, man.

[A]

Who's the. The least expected gwar fan that you have met, that you got? I cannot believe you're a fan of us.

[B]

Oh, man, that's the least expected guar. Fan. I mean, Maria Bamford. That surprised me. The comedian Maria Bamford?

[A]

Oh, the.

[B]

The.

[A]

She's from New York.

[B]

I don't know where she was.

[A]

Glasses.

[B]

She's. She's. Maria is. She's completely. She's. I think she's one of the best comedians working, and I love comedy, especially stand up and. Yeah, Maria Bamford, she. She loves gua.

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly what I was talking about.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That lady. Yeah, she's funny. Yeah.

[B]

And she put us in her show, like. And once again, we just discovered it. I was watching it. It was a show she had called Lady Dynamite. And she's like, so. Yeah, I mean, that's cool.

[A]

That is an unexpected. I gotta be honest, she's so quiet.

[B]

I was kind of surprised that iced tea, like, just to be honest with you.

[A]

Oh, man, he loves just cool things.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

Come on, man. Hey. You're now listening to the csi. That's iced tea now. I like it. I like the. The change. So, okay, the 24th for your concerts, you will be in Houston, Texas.

[B]

That's right. All right.

[A]

And then Mobile, Alabama, the soul kitchen. The 25th.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

All right, and then. What is it? Guar.net for all the concerts. Marty. Yep. Choir.net for all the shows. And tonight you're about to go do the. Oh, what was it? Belasco.

[B]

Belasco. Yeah.

[A]

That's a cool theater. Bellagio.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's somewhere else.

[B]

The Blasco. Yeah, It's a cool one. It's. It's a good one.

[A]

What's the average guar fan look like in the crowd?

[B]

Pick him out.

[A]

That guy. Some dude with a bunch of tattoos.

[B]

Neurodivergent and morbidly obese.

[A]

That guy.

[B]

That's the average.

[A]

Okay, so as you've been here for years and years, who is the worst human being you've come across or that you can imagine? And by worse, I mean the best to you or opposite?

[B]

Yeah, let's not get into that trap. My worst, I mean best. I don't know, man. I'm sitting here thinking, you know, I never really liked Caitlyn Jenner. I didn't like her when she was. Whatever she was.

[A]

Added.

[B]

Yeah. And, and, and, and now, you know, it's like, I don't know, she just feels like a treacherous piece of. That's what she feels like to me.

[A]

I think south park hit it on the head.

[B]

Yeah, I think they did.

[A]

They did. They did. Okay, you know what? Great answer. Hilarious answer. Perfect. Because you could really hate two people. That was a guy and a girl at one point.

[B]

Yeah, well, I mean. Yeah, exactly, it's two for one. But I mean, two for one, you know, I mean everybody likes, likes Wheaties and everybody likes racing and all this. I don't know, she just seems like, you know, the people that pull the ladder up behind themselves, maybe they don't deserve to be there.

[A]

Coming from an alien that loves murder and death even. She's a bad person. Pulling up the ladder behind you. That's the episode, that's the name of this. Don't pull the ladder up behind you. I like that. Speaking of Mexicans and speaking of borders. No, I'm just kidding. Can, we gotta get out of here. We can't be talking about that.

[B]

What?

[A]

I'm just kidding.

[B]

You love it.

[A]

You love racism. Look man, you love two racism.

[B]

Let me tell you something, all right? If you've got time, I'm going to tell you about war at Taco.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. One of the greatest gigs we ever did. And there's drugs in this story too.

[A]

Do you mean Mexico?

[B]

No, you're just saying Mexico. I don't. That's not what I call Mexico.

[A]

That's what you were saying.

[B]

Yes. Burrito burg. No, no. When we first started, and that was when Guar was its funnest, right? We're riding around, we got nothing. We're just trying to make us make make do. And we pull up in San Antonio, Texas and we get to this place called Taco Land. And that's where we're playing that night. Okay. And it's just a Mexican restaurant that is filled with day workers from like, you know, I don't know if they were from Mexico, but they were definitely Latino. Like, a bunch of. And that was all that was. There was a Latino people. And they saw us. It was the day drinking crowd, right? So they're all there, like, getting drunk on a weekday, and then they start bringing all of our stuff in, and they look at it and they're like, oh, man, this is going to be great. Right? So they stay, right? And by the way. By the way, I played. I went to the jukebox and I played the number one song. All right. It was a David Allen co song.

[A]

That was the number one song.

[B]

The number one song. Yes. She ran off with a dirty word. That's what. That's what they were listening to. That was the number one most popular song. Holy. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was shocked. I was shocked. Let me tell you.

[A]

Even someone that loves racism, I was shocked.

[B]

I was amazed. No, I mean, seriously, though, I was surprised. I never heard the song. I was like, you can say this in a song. My God, we were never the same after that. But yeah, I mean, these. These folks stayed for the show, and Guar played a show for nothing. It was a crowd. Like, none of the punk rockers could get in. They were all. Because it was already sold out. It was full of these Latino people that. Workers that had never seen or heard of gore before. And, I mean, it was like a saloon brawl in there. Like, you know, people are shooting in the air. There's, like, women with giant asses that are dancing around. There's, like, dudes that are pointing at their butts and then pointing at their dicks. There's like, you know, a regular fiesta. Oh, my God. It was, you know, people are pouring tequila down people's throats. There's like, oh, yeah, it was. One of the best experiences of our life was playing Taco Land. War at Taco Land. Awesome.

[A]

What a story.

[B]

Love that.

[A]

Okay, has anybody ever given you. Before we go on the road. You're on the road, like you said. We're just trying to make it. We're playing Taco Land. Is there anyone that has given you something that you've kept? Like something that you like?

[B]

Snoop?

[A]

His head on a mantle look better, my man. As you ever have something that you've actually kept that you. I've stuck around with?

[B]

Well, you know, I mean, people give it. They give us their art all the time. I try not to do anything. I. I take their art and then hold it and treasure it and put it on the floor in my bathroom and my cat uses it. But no, seriously, I do treasure the things that People give us. I think that the best thing that I've ever gotten was a piece of advice, okay? And that piece of advice was stay out of show business. Oh, it's just gonna break down.

[A]

Who was it from?

[B]

And that's what? Willie Nelson.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, Willie Nelson.

[A]

I'll play this crowd. Stay out of show.

[B]

I have an arena show tonight. Yeah, he was. He was like, look, man, I just want to smoke pot. I shouldn't be here.

[A]

Just, you know, also, hurry up and weigh that out. That's what he said to you guys. I can get out of here.

[B]

Oh, no. We were standing around a barrel fire. A barrel fire. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

[A]

Feels like home.

[B]

Yeah. We were huffing computer cleaner spray cans. Oh.

[A]

What's the. What's the best thing to get high off of. Of for blows are.

[B]

I mean, and leaded gasoline. You can't even find it anymore, man.

[A]

Leaded gasoline.

[B]

Gasoline. Yeah, you inhale that and you see those little elves?

[A]

Let me tell you, I've only heard of the elves. I haven't seen them yet.

[B]

They're wild. Wild.

[A]

Well, I know you have a show to go to.

[B]

I do.

[A]

And we appreciate you being here for this audience. Is there anything that Blowar the Berserker would like to say to.

[B]

To the audience?

[A]

Even a piece of advice?

[B]

People of Earth,

[A]

you. I love it. Thank you. Feels right for everyone out there. Guar.net for every single thing. You can go get the. What was it? What was. What was your favorite product?

[B]

Cuttlefish. The Cthulhu. Cthulu. We got shoes, we got shoes. We got underwear. All right.

[A]

War.net.

[B]

yeah. Yeah.

[A]

All right. For all tickets also and all dates. Thank you for being here. We appreciate you.

[B]

Hey, man.

[A]

Thank you, Marty. We're out of here. Guys. From Blo Thar. Marty and I have a dope ass day.

[B]

Perfect.

[A]

Perfect.