BONUS - Christmas Caper Countdown (Part 2)

Summary

Down These Mean Streets (Old Time Radio Detectives)

BONUS - Christmas Caper Countdown (Part 2)

Release Date: December 10, 2025
Host: Mean Streets Podcasts

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Episode Overview

This festive bonus episode features two holiday-themed detective adventures from the Golden Age of Radio:

1. "Santa Claus is No Saint" – The Saint (Vincent Price as Simon Templar), aired December 24, 1950
2. "The Plot to Murder Santa Claus" – Rocky Fortune (Frank Sinatra as Rocky Fortune), aired December 22, 1953

The host curates these old-time radio classics to showcase how even Christmas Eve can’t escape the lure of mystery and crime, featuring suave sleuths, mistaken Santas, shoplifters, and a murder among the tinsel.

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[00:55–02:43] Episode Introduction

• The host sets a cozy, suspenseful tone for the "Christmas Caper Countdown," briefly introducing each radio play:
  • The Saint: Simon Templar's attempt to gift Christmas cheer as Santa goes sideways when he is swept into a jewel heist.
  • Rocky Fortune: Rocky’s seasonal gig as a department-store Santa spirals into a case involving stolen pearls and murder.

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[02:43–30:47] Segment 1: "Santa Claus Is No Saint" (The Saint)

Main Cast

• Simon Templar (The Saint): Vincent Price
• Louie: Saint’s loyal cabbie
• Sally Walters: Accused secretary
• Carla Worth: Jewel owner
• Claude Worth: The suspicious husband
• Joe Hudson: Thuggish pursuer

Plot Highlights & Key Moments

[03:16] The Setup

• Simon Templar is preparing to play Santa at a charity ball, aided by his sidekick, Louie.
• They banter humorously about Simon’s suitability for the role.
  • Louie (on Simon's lack of padding):
    "Santa Claus is fat. Oh, you're not fat." (03:51)

[05:01] The Intrusion

• A gun-wielding woman (Sally) bursts in, demanding "the stuff" she believes Simon (whom she mistakes for "Fats Boylan") possesses.
• Templar maintains his trademark dry wit, diffusing tension even at gunpoint.
  • Simon:
    "If you're going to shoot me, I insist on knowing your name." (05:15)

[07:01] The Mistaken Identity & Jewel Heist

• Joe Hudson joins the fray, also after "the stuff," furthering the confusion over Simon's identity.
• The plot thickens: all are searching for stolen jewels from the Worths' Christmas party.

[10:53] Clues & Pursuits

• Simon and Louie deduce from Sally’s bag—a driver’s license, secretary badge—her real identity and possible motives.
• They set off to visit Carla Worth, leading to classic drawing-room suspense.

[12:26] The Worths' House

• Carla recounts the Santa-clad thief's disappearance and the missing jewels, implicating "Fats Boylan."
  • Carla Worth:
    "Santa Claus had disappeared. So had the jewels." (13:09)

[15:01] At Boylan’s Place

• Simon and Louie find Boylan dead, not as "fat" as advertised—implying he had used costume padding to smuggle out the jewels.
  • Simon:
    "He wasn't Fat." (16:22)

[17:32] Following the Trail

• Hudson, hired by Carla Worth, is caught tailing Simon and Sally. Carla suspected her husband and Sally were secretly involved.
  • Hudson:
    "Mrs. Worth is the babe with a doll. Mr. Worth is a very well educated bum." (19:03)

[22:32] The Reveal – The Perfume Connection

• Simon deduces Sally’s perfume was present at the murder scene—walking her through the logical links between the jewels, Fats, and the murder.

[24:13] The Real Culprit

• Claude Worth confronts them with a gun. Simon reveals Claude masterminded the jewel heist to keep the insurance money (and perhaps free himself from his wife).
  • Claude:
    "You, Mr. Worth, arranged to have them stolen. Indeed." (24:31)
• Sally, an unwitting accomplice, is almost killed; Simon subdues Claude.

[25:54] Closing Sentiments

• Carla shares a flirtatious Christmas wish with Simon—
  • Carla:
    "You've been sort of a Santa Claus to me. May I?" (25:55)
  • Simon:
    "Santa Claus is no saint." (26:10)
• Louie reminds Simon of his missed charity gig. They head off, capering into the night.

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[30:47–55:53] Segment 2: "The Plot to Murder Santa Claus" (Rocky Fortune)

Main Cast

• Rocky Fortune: Frank Sinatra
• Gail Grayson: Young girl, central to the case
• Laura Grayson: Gail’s older sister
• Mr. Primm: Store supervisor
• Marty ("Big Elf"): Santa's thuggish helper
• Sergeant Finger: Police sergeant

Plot Highlights & Key Moments

[31:36] Rocky’s Holiday Job

• Rocky hires on as an auxiliary detective and temporary Santa at Quackenbaum's Department Store.
  • Rocky:
    "So next day I am an auxiliary Shammas for Crackin Baums department store. Kind of a high class 5th Avenue dispensary where for only 50 bucks you can buy your girl a mink toothbrush." (31:36)

[33:54] A Mysterious Letter

• Little Gail delivers a threatening note for Santa, warning:
  • “You know what we want for Christmas. We better get it, or you'll never live to make those Christmas Eve deliveries. Signed, you know who.”
• Gail limps, wears a brace, and only wants an expensive elf doll.

[36:53] Caught Shoplifting

• Laura, desperate to fulfill Gail’s Christmas wish, is caught with the elf doll.
• Instead of turning her in, Rocky lets Laura go and pays for the doll himself, earning her gratitude and affection.
  • Laura:
    "Rocky, I could kiss you." (37:58)

[39:22] Shady Santa & Store Scuffle

• The store’s real Santa seeks Laura’s contact info, arousing Rocky’s suspicions.
• They come to blows in the locker room, broken up by store management.

[41:58] Framed for Murder

• Rocky is questioned by Sergeant Finger after the store Santa is stabbed.
  • Sergeant Finger:
    "There ain't no Santa Claus." (42:37)
  • Rocky, momentarily a suspect, is cleared by his alibi.

[45:25] Doll in Peril

• Rocky returns to Laura’s flat, retrieves the elf doll, but soon after, Gail is lured away by a man with a black moustache searching for the same doll.

[48:36] Climactic Confrontation in the Store

• Rocky chases clues back to Quackenbaum’s, where he and Gail are cornered in the darkened toy department by "Big Elf" Marty—revealed as Santa's murderous accomplice.
• Rocky and Gail improvise with toy rockets and space guns to distract Marty, culminating in Rocky knocking him out with a baseball bat.
  • Rocky:
    "My gift to Santa’s helper was a Louisville Slugger right on top of the noggin." (53:06)

[53:32] All Is Revealed

• Gail innocently announces she found "pretty marbles" (the stolen pearls) inside the elf doll.
• Sergeant Finger recovers the evidence; Laura and Gail are elated with the coming thousand-dollar reward.

[54:13] A Merry Christmas Kiss

• Rocky and Laura share a kiss—ending the case (and the episode) on a romantic, hopeful note.
  • Laura:
    "Couldn't you just kiss me instead?" (54:13)
  • Rocky:
    "Why not?" (54:15)

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Memorable Quotes by Timestamp

• Simon Templar:
  • “If you're going to shoot me, I insist on knowing your name.” (05:15)
  • “Santa Clauses, as Louis pointed out to me earlier tonight, are fat. Therefore, Boylan entered this house wearing padding underneath his costume. He left it with a large jewel box in place of the padding.” (23:52)
  • “Santa Claus is no saint.” (26:10)
• Rocky Fortune:
  • “Just what I said. Fortune. What's her name and where does she live?” (39:40)
  • “There ain't no Santa Claus. Because somebody stuck a knife in him. He's laying on his face over in Quackenbaum's Department Store.” (42:37)
  • “My gift to Santa’s helper was a Louisville Slugger right on top of the noggin.” (53:06)
• Louie:
  • “Mr. Templar, the trail of unconscious bodies you're leaving behind you tonight. If laid end to end… Yes, Lily would look terrible.” (25:38)

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[55:53–End]

Reflections and Closing Messages

[27:02, 55:55] Vincent Price's Holiday Message

• Encourages listeners to embrace the spiritual side of Christmas and uphold American freedoms, tolerance, and diversity.
  • “Let's judge our neighbors by the character of their lives alone and not on the basis of their religion or origin.” (55:55)

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Episode Themes & Tone

• Nostalgic and playful, combining lighthearted banter and romance with classic whodunit tropes.
• Holidays as a backdrop for both generosity and greed, redemption and danger.
• The episodes balance quick wit, suspense, and a dash of sentimentality—true to the golden age detective tradition.

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For First-Time Listeners

This holiday episode brings together two legendary detectives—The Saint and Rocky Fortune—in festive, cleverly-written capers filled with double-crosses, mistaken identities, wisecracks, and heartwarming resolutions. Both stories highlight the enduring appeal of radio’s golden age: sharp plotting, rapid-fire dialogue, and winsome performances by icons like Vincent Price and Frank Sinatra.

Whether you're revisiting old favorites or discovering these classics for the first time, these tales offer the perfect blend of Christmas spirit and good old-fashioned sleuthing.

Notable timestamps for quick reference:

• [03:16] – The Saint dons his Santa suit.
• [13:09] – The Worths’ Christmas party and theft.
• [16:22] – The jewel-smuggling reveal.
• [26:10] – Simon’s playful "Santa Claus is no saint" coda.
• [33:54] – Gail’s ominous note to Santa.
• [42:37] – Discovery of the murdered store Santa.
• [53:32] – Pearls found inside the elf doll.
• [54:13] – Rocky and Laura’s Christmas kiss.

Merry Christmas and happy sleuthing from Down These Mean Streets!

Transcript

[Simon Templar]

Get this and get it straight. Crime is a sucker's road, and those who travel it wind up in the.

[Rocky Fortune]

Gut of the prison of the grave.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The story you are about to hear is true.

[Simon Templar]

Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The Adventures of Sam Spade Detective.

[Joe Hudson]

The Adventures of the Saint. Starring Vincent Price. Bob Bailey in the exciting adventures of the man with the action packed expense.

[Rocky Fortune]

Account, America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator, yours truly, Johnny Dollar.

[Podcast Host]

Hello, and welcome to another bonus holiday episode of down these Mean Street. Our Christmas countdown continues this week with two more old time radio holiday mysteries. First up, we have Vincent Price as Simon Templer, the saint whose Christmas Eve plans to place Santa at a charity ball are thwarted when he's repeatedly mistaken for a notorious jewel thief. The episode is Santa Claus is no saint, and it originally aired on NBC on December 24, 1950. Then Frank Sinatra stars in one of my favorite old time radio shows, Rocky Fortune. The titular character's latest job is playing Santa in a department store in the run up to Christmas, but he runs afoul of some crooks who are sadly lacking the Christmas spirit. The episode is called the Plot to Murder Santa Claus and it originally aired on NBC on December 22, 1953.

I'll be back on Sunday with our next regular episode and next Wednesday with our next bonus Christmas show. But now sit back and enjoy some Christmas crime solving with the Saint and Rocky Fortune.

[Joe Hudson]

The Adventures of the Saint, starring Vincent Price.

The Saint. Based on characters created by Leslie Charteris and known to millions from books, magazines and motion pictures, the Robin Hood of modern crime now comes transcribed to radio starring Hollywood's brilliant and talented actor, Vincent Price as.

The Saint.

[Simon Templar]

Come in.

[Louie]

Hi, Mr. Temple.

[Simon Templar]

Oh, hello, Louie. Where are you? I'm in my room. I'll be ready in a minute.

[Louie]

Hey, wait till you see my cab. I gave it a bat for Christmas.

[Simon Templar]

Well, congratulations.

[Louie]

Look, I don't want to rush you, but if you don't hurry, Christmas Eve is going to be already Christmas morning. And what'll all them tots think?

[Simon Templar]

Oh, them tots will be singularly fortunate. However, all I have to do now is get my whiskers on there.

[Louie]

How do I look, Mr. Templar? If I didn't know you was Mr. Templar.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Yeah?

[Louie]

I wouldn't know who you were.

[Simon Templar]

Hmm. Louie, don't I look like Santa Claus?

[Louie]

This may come as a surprise to you, Mr. Temple. Santa Claus is fat. Oh, you're not fat. Oh.

[Simon Templar]

Well, hand me that cushion from the couch, huh?

[Louie]

Okay. Here.

[Simon Templar]

Yeah. Thank you. Now then.

[Louie]

How'S that now say ho, ho ho.

[Simon Templar]

What for?

[Louie]

Santa Claus is always say ho ho ho.

[Simon Templar]

Oh, I see.

[Rocky Fortune]

Ho, ho, ho.

[Louie]

Well, anyway, you look like Santa Claus. Hey, Mr. Templer, whose idea was this?

[Simon Templar]

Mrs. Winterbottom's.

[Louie]

Oh, the dame who annoys tots on Christmas Eve.

[Simon Templar]

Mrs. Winterbottom is a very well known philanthropist. And every Christmas Eve she collects hundreds of small children and feeds them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Louie]

Who feeds them the rest of the year?

[Simon Templar]

Don't be bitter, Louie. Sorry. At least I ought to give the little tots a laugh. Yeah, yeah.

[Louie]

And I suppose there is something to be said for Mrs. Winter Bottom.

[Simon Templar]

Don't say it.

[Louie]

Now don't worry.

[Simon Templar]

There's something to be said for Santa Claus too. He does go around filling stockings.

[Joe Hudson]

Yeah, I know.

[Louie]

A blonde shouldn't say that either, huh?

[Simon Templar]

No. Someone at the door. Louie, would you mind?

[Louie]

No, it's probably one of them tots.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Correction.

[Louie]

It's a thought. 20 years later get in. I'm already.

[Carla Worth]

Back up.

[Louie]

I'm backing up.

[Carla Worth]

Thanks. Now reach, gents.

[Simon Templar]

You know, that gun in her hand looks loaded.

[Louie]

Now that you mentioned.

[Carla Worth]

Reach for what? The chandelier.

[Simon Templar]

Can't.

[Carla Worth]

Why not?

[Simon Templar]

No chandelier.

[Carla Worth]

Oh, a wise guy, huh?

[Simon Templar]

If you're going to shoot me, I insist on knowing your name.

[Carla Worth]

Just call me Sally.

[Simon Templar]

Sally. And your last name?

[Carla Worth]

Never mind that. How would you like to get plugged in the. In the breadbasket. Where?

[Simon Templar]

Oh, let's pass lightly over that. I wouldn't like to get plugged anywhere.

[Carla Worth]

Then shut up. All right, where is it?

[Simon Templar]

Right down the hall.

[Carla Worth]

Are you trying to be smart?

[Simon Templar]

Not especially.

[Carla Worth]

So it's going to be like that, huh?

[Simon Templar]

Like what?

[Carla Worth]

Now you listen to me, Fats Boylan. You shut up too.

[Louie]

I didn't say anything.

[Carla Worth]

Well, shut up anyway.

[Louie]

I'm shutting up.

[Carla Worth]

What was I saying?

[Simon Templar]

You just finished calling me Fats Boiling.

[Carla Worth]

That's right.

[Simon Templar]

That's wrong. I'm not fat.

[Carla Worth]

Spoiling, huh?

[Simon Templar]

Well, it helps keep the conversation going.

[Carla Worth]

Look, Fats, are you going to stop stalling and hand over the stuff or will I have to shoot?

[Simon Templar]

Since I am not Fats Boiling, and since I have no stuff to hand over, I'm afraid you'll have to shoot Mr. Templar.

[Louie]

That could be fatal.

[Carla Worth]

You keep quiet, punk.

[Louie]

Who's a punk? You're a punk, Mr. Templar. Am I a punk?

[Simon Templar]

Well, Sally is just a little confused this evening.

[Louie]

Confused or not, she shouldn't call me a punk.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Shut up.

[Louie]

You know, you don't have to start warm.

[Carla Worth]

I am not bawling. I, I.

[Simon Templar]

You were just about to shoot me?

[Carla Worth]

Well, I know, but then you'd bleed.

[Simon Templar]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[Carla Worth]

I can't stand the sight of blood.

[Louie]

Why don't you strangle her?

[Simon Templar]

Louis, don't be unkind. It seems to be the doorbell again.

[Carla Worth]

No, wait.

[Simon Templar]

It's very impolite to keep people waiting.

[Carla Worth]

But I must have been followed.

[Laura Grayson]

Here.

[Simon Templar]

Sally, look. Stop illustrating a point with that gun. It might go off.

[Gail Grayson]

I don't care.

[Simon Templar]

But then I'd bleed.

[Carla Worth]

But where can I go? I've got to hide.

[Simon Templar]

Well, try the kitchen.

[Carla Worth]

All right.

[Simon Templar]

Come on in. It's open house tonight.

[Joe Hudson]

Well, well, my old pal Fat. I am not.

[Simon Templar]

Although I'm beginning to waver. Perhaps I am Simon the split personality. Who are you?

[Joe Hudson]

Joe Hudson. You remember your old pal Hudson.

[Simon Templar]

Hudson. Well, I must admit, you look like a hornet, but your lines aren't as nice. Look, if I'm your old pal, why don't I know you?

[Joe Hudson]

Oh, that's easy. We never met personally.

[Simon Templar]

Well, how else can you meet? Ignore that. But if we haven't met personally or otherwise, how can I be your pal?

[Joe Hudson]

Oh, I. I was just being friendly. Besides, you got something for me?

[Simon Templar]

I have.

[Joe Hudson]

Great. Little kidder, ain't you, Fats?

[Louie]

Ain't he pal? Now I feel better. I'm a pal too.

[Simon Templar]

Look, I wish I deserved your delighted choice.

[Joe Hudson]

Look, just leave me have the stuff.

[Simon Templar]

And then I'll get stuff.

[Louie]

I can't.

[Simon Templar]

What stuff?

[Joe Hudson]

Am I gonna have trouble with you?

[Simon Templar]

The door behind you is open. Why don't you use it, huh? That way nobody will have any trouble.

[Joe Hudson]

I'll use it. I'll use it after.

[Simon Templar]

After what?

[Rocky Fortune]

Such like that, huh?

[Joe Hudson]

Ever see one of these before?

[Simon Templar]

I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint you, but the answer is yes, I have.

[Louie]

Good. Good.

[Joe Hudson]

Then you know how it works. It shoots bullets at guys. Guys who get bullet shot at them.

[Simon Templar]

Have a habit of dying. Really? Well, then perhaps you better not shoot that gun at me.

[Laura Grayson]

I won't.

[Simon Templar]

So give me so. I ain't got. Well, that is, I.

[Louie]

That is, you ain't got.

[Simon Templar]

Thanks, Louie Basic.

[Joe Hudson]

I ain't a patient man. Hand the stuff over or I don't.

[Simon Templar]

Have any stuff or you get shot. I'd bleed. Who cares? I do. I hoped you might.

[Joe Hudson]

However, this could be a stall. This could be trouble.

[Simon Templar]

So you.

[Louie]

You can't shoot him.

[Simon Templar]

Why not?

[Louie]

It's against the law. I read it in the papers. It's against the law.

[Joe Hudson]

Yeah, yeah, I believe you.

[Louie]

Oh, so that's okay?

[Joe Hudson]

Yeah, but I like doing things against the law.

[Louie]

Oh, well, you. You could go to jail.

[Joe Hudson]

I already been there.

[Louie]

Well, for shooting somebody that they'll hang.

[Joe Hudson]

You or something if somebody told him.

[Louie]

Well, I would.

[Joe Hudson]

You would, huh?

[Louie]

I would.

[Simon Templar]

So maybe I'd better shoot you first.

[Louie]

Well, I wouldn't want to deprive Mr. Templar of the privilege.

[Joe Hudson]

Well, Fats, it's your last chance.

[Simon Templar]

Oh, not that phrase. Also, I still don't know.

[Joe Hudson]

So it looks like I'm gonna break a law. Hey, who did that?

[Simon Templar]

You did your dope.

[Joe Hudson]

I did not.

[Rocky Fortune]

This here is a plan. But you won't get away with it.

[Simon Templar]

Goodbye, Mr. Hudson.

[Louie]

Mr. Templer.

[Joe Hudson]

Who made with the artillery?

[Simon Templar]

That must have been Sally. She's in the kitchen.

[Louie]

She can stay there.

[Simon Templar]

She saved our lives, Louie.

[Louie]

Yeah, but maybe by now she's found out she likes to shoot guns.

[Simon Templar]

Let's hope not.

[Carla Worth]

Hello.

[Simon Templar]

It was nice of you to frighten Mr. Hudson off.

[Gail Grayson]

I did.

[Simon Templar]

You did?

[Carla Worth]

I didn't hit anybody.

[Simon Templar]

No.

[Carla Worth]

I'm so glad.

[Simon Templar]

Hey, I've got her.

[Louie]

She's all cold.

[Simon Templar]

Come on up.

[Rocky Fortune]

Put her on the couch.

[Simon Templar]

Come on.

[Louie]

It's a little late, but somebody ought to mention she is not a bad looking dish.

[Simon Templar]

You've mentioned it.

[Louie]

Looking for smelling salts in her bag.

[Simon Templar]

No. Identification.

Here's a driver's license. Her name is Sally Walters. Address? 49 Arden Drive. Social Security card. She's the secretary.

[Louie]

That's what I need.

[Simon Templar]

I'll take it back when she's coming too. Better put the bag back.

[Louie]

Yeah, but keep the gun though. There's still some bullets in it.

[Simon Templar]

No, we don't want her to know we went through her bag.

[Louie]

We're ashamed of ourselves.

[Simon Templar]

We're gonna pay her a visit.

[Louie]

She ain't home.

[Simon Templar]

But she will be after she leaves here. And then perhaps we can find out what keeps the home fires. Bur.

[Louie]

Sally was in kind of a hurry leaving us.

[Simon Templar]

So she was, Mr. Templar.

[Louie]

Don't look right. Santa Claus chasing a blonde.

[Simon Templar]

I'm not chasing her.

[Louie]

Technicalities will get you no place. Hey, this must be it. 49.

What is she, a secretary of the treasury?

[Simon Templar]

I suspect. This is where she works. Louis.

[Louie]

He works overtime, huh?

[Simon Templar]

Yeah, and probably sleeps in. Come on.

[Louie]

I hope that nobody is Pe because I think Santa Claus is off schedule.

[Simon Templar]

I think perhaps I can manage without the whiskers. Yeah. Ouch.

[Louie]

Now you look like an imposter.

[Simon Templar]

Yeah. Would you ring Louie? Okay.

[Louie]

You know, this is the type house I got a feeling Santa Claus would have to use the servants entrance.

[Simon Templar]

Yes, I'm Simon Templar.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

You are?

[Simon Templar]

I am.

[Joe Hudson]

There's nothing I can do about it.

[Simon Templar]

Mmm.

[Louie]

Mr. Templar. All butlers are like him.

[Simon Templar]

I doubt it. I think he's been practicing.

[Rocky Fortune]

Haw. Haw.

[Simon Templar]

Well, good night, then. I think not.

[Joe Hudson]

Would you mind removing your shoe from the door?

[Simon Templar]

I would.

[Louie]

You might at least have shined it.

[Carla Worth]

Humphrey. Whoever is it at this time of night?

[Simon Templar]

No one, madam.

[Carla Worth]

Oh, but such an interesting looking no one. Santa Claus. You've lost your whiskers.

[Simon Templar]

I haven't. They're right here in my pocket.

[Carla Worth]

How nice.

[Simon Templar]

Actually, my name is Simon Templar.

[Carla Worth]

I'm Carla Worth.

[Simon Templar]

This is Louie.

[Louie]

Hi. Oh, I mean, hi. Be kind to the peasants type.

[Carla Worth]

Did you want to see me?

[Simon Templar]

Now that I've seen you, yes.

[Carla Worth]

Well, come in.

[Simon Templar]

Thank you.

[Carla Worth]

But madam Humphrey. Go away. Yes, Madam Humphrey's such a problem sometimes. Shall we?

[Gail Grayson]

Nice.

[Simon Templar]

Fire in the fireplace. Books on the bookshelves. Port in that decanter?

[Laura Grayson]

Yes.

[Carla Worth]

Would you like some?

[Simon Templar]

No, thank you. I just wanted to be sure the accessories were all correct. Someday maybe I'll find some other wine besides port in a decanter. I dream.

[Carla Worth]

Simon. Are you the one who found them?

[Louie]

It's beginning again.

[Simon Templar]

Found what?

[Carla Worth]

My jewels, of course.

[Simon Templar]

Have they been lost?

[Carla Worth]

Simon, they were stolen. You know that, don't you?

[Simon Templar]

Should I?

[Carla Worth]

I've heard of the St. Simon. I didn't know he was also a Santa Claus.

[Simon Templar]

Oh, it's a fleeting impulse. When were your jewels stolen?

[Carla Worth]

This afternoon. You see, Claude, my husband, that is.

[Simon Templar]

Oh.

[Carla Worth]

Bought me them for Christmas.

[Joe Hudson]

Santa.

[Louie]

Claude.

[Simon Templar]

Louis.

[Louie]

Sorry.

[Carla Worth]

We decided to have the party this afternoon. We thought it'd be nice to have a quiet eve, so we did. The jewels were in quite a large box. There were quite a lot of them. And Claude hired a Santa Claus. But before the party was over, Santa Claus had disappeared. So had the jewels.

[Simon Templar]

Well, there must have been some precautions.

[Carla Worth]

Oh, there were several detectives. But the Santa Claus said he was going out to get some air while the party was on. He never came back. But he didn't have the jewels on him. The box was locked and it was too large for the detectives not to have noticed.

[Simon Templar]

I see. The name of the man hired to play Santa Claus was of course, Fat Spoil. And who may you be?

[Carla Worth]

Claude, this is Simon Templar and Louis.

[Simon Templar]

I know. Neither of them snoops, obviously. Get rid of them.

[Carla Worth]

Claude likes to behave as though he were an emperor on occasion.

[Simon Templar]

The box wasn't found anywhere in the house.

[Laura Grayson]

The jewel box?

[Gail Grayson]

No.

[Simon Templar]

The jewels were insured. Naturally. It's none of your affair. I shall speak Severely to Humphrey. He should never have let you in.

[Carla Worth]

I let them in, darling.

[Louie]

So now he's going to speak severely to her.

[Simon Templar]

We'll go quietly. Except Mr. Worth. What is Fats Boylan's address? I have no idea. Good night.

[Carla Worth]

Good night, Simon. And I'm sorry.

[Simon Templar]

So am I.

[Louie]

I'll show you out.

[Simon Templar]

Thank you.

Pronounced Carla Word.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah.

[Louie]

What do we do now, Santa Claus?

[Simon Templar]

We get into your nice clean cab and. Hey, wait a minute, Louie.

Now we're going to find out what became of Sally.

[Carla Worth]

Simon.

[Simon Templar]

Well, good evening, Sally.

[Carla Worth]

I overheard fat's address is 17 Beale.

[Simon Templar]

Street 17 Beale Street.

[Carla Worth]

I've got to get right back to the house before anybody notices. Goodbye.

[Louie]

An awful short visit.

[Simon Templar]

You've been long enough.

[Louie]

Now we're going to visit Mr. Boyman?

[Simon Templar]

I think so.

[Louie]

I hope he ain't so handy with a gun as the rest of these characters. Maybe.

[Simon Templar]

He may not be.

[Louie]

Now I'm all cheered up.

[Simon Templar]

But there's one thing I'm sure he isn't.

[Louie]

What's that?

[Simon Templar]

Fat.

[Louie]

Quite a change from the weights.

[Simon Templar]

Dump.

[Louie]

Now this is a dump.

[Simon Templar]

Yeah. Mr. Boylan would seem to be shy.

[Louie]

Mr. Templer, you said something about the one thing he wouldn't be was fat. Why? Because he was called Fats? Not exactly.

[Simon Templar]

Louie, I'm worried.

[Louie]

Hey.

[Joe Hudson]

Hey.

[Louie]

The door was open.

[Simon Templar]

Yes.

[Louie]

Maybe that means our boat has flown.

[Simon Templar]

Maybe. Come on, let's go in.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Okay.

[Louie]

I ain't usually so poetical, but the lights on?

[Simon Templar]

Yes.

[Louie]

And the room looks funny. Looks like a hurricane came to stay for dinner.

[Simon Templar]

And remained for six months.

[Louie]

Somebody was looking for a jewel box.

[Simon Templar]

And someone obviously didn't find it. The extent of the search indicates that nothing was left untouched.

[Louie]

It's a funny smell in this room. You know, a couple of funny smells.

[Simon Templar]

Yeah. One's perfume and the other gunpowder. Huh? Gunpowder.

[Louie]

That's why I ain't been looking behind any pieces of furniture.

[Simon Templar]

It really wasn't very far to look.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Louie.

[Louie]

Huh?

[Simon Templar]

He's behind the daybed. Fats. Fats. Louie.

[Louie]

He ain't doing so good.

[Simon Templar]

He's dead. And Louis? Yeah. He wasn't Fat.

[Louie]

Mr. Templer?

[Simon Templar]

Yes, Louie?

[Louie]

We're being followed.

[Simon Templar]

Since?

[Louie]

Since we got out of Boylan's place.

[Simon Templar]

That's interesting. Louie, stop the cab.

[Louie]

That'll make it easier for whatever's following us.

[Simon Templar]

Exactly what I want.

[Louie]

Even on Christmas Eve. This shouldn't happen.

Now what?

[Simon Templar]

Now we get out.

Don't look behind you. Start walking.

[Louie]

Here is a nice, lonely street. Everybody else is home hanging up stockings. I wouldn't Mind hanging up stockings myself.

[Rocky Fortune]

I, I, I.

[Louie]

Who do you think it is?

[Simon Templar]

I think it's our friend Hudson.

[Louie]

Oh, I just lost five pounds. You mean the guy that was chasing Sally who was all ready to shoot us until she made the explosion?

[Simon Templar]

Neat reminder.

[Louie]

Oh, you think he wants our money.

[Simon Templar]

Or our life, Possibly.

[Louie]

What kind of an answer is that?

[Simon Templar]

In here, quickly, Mr. Temple.

[Louie]

This here alley is full of garbage cans.

[Simon Templar]

It's also dark.

[Louie]

You don't have to see garbage cans to know they're around.

[Simon Templar]

Hudson. Yes.

Good evening. Hudson.

[Rocky Fortune]

Huh?

[Simon Templar]

Don't turn around. I've got a gun on you.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah. I don't like it.

[Simon Templar]

Louis, take Mr. Hudson's gun away from him.

[Louie]

Okay.

[Simon Templar]

Got it, Mr. Templer.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Good.

[Simon Templar]

Aim it at him.

[Joe Hudson]

Hey, now wait a minute. You can't shoot me with my own gun.

[Simon Templar]

Why not? That ain't tactful. What other gun could I shoot you with?

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Your own.

[Joe Hudson]

Hey, you mean you ain't got a. Oh, mister, you are a liar.

[Simon Templar]

And on Christmas Eve, too. Hudson, who hired you to follow Sally and me?

[Joe Hudson]

It was my own idea.

[Simon Templar]

Louie. Mr. Hudson isn't being friendly.

[Louie]

He ain't, huh?

[Simon Templar]

He ain't. Therefore.

[Joe Hudson]

Hey, don't lose your heads, fellas.

[Simon Templar]

We've lost patience with him, Louie.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

We have.

[Simon Templar]

Shoot him, Louie. He's beginning to bore me.

[Louie]

He's beginning to.

[Joe Hudson]

I should.

[Louie]

I should shoot him.

[Simon Templar]

Yes.

[Louie]

Fatal.

[Simon Templar]

Fatal.

[Louie]

Okay. Except I don't know what my wife, six kids are gonna say.

[Simon Templar]

You haven't got a wife and six kids.

[Joe Hudson]

Now, wait a minute, please.

[Simon Templar]

Louie, we're being cruel, prolonging Mr. Hudson's agony. Put him out of it.

[Joe Hudson]

Now, wait a minute.

[Simon Templar]

Who hired you?

[Rocky Fortune]

Mrs. Worth.

[Joe Hudson]

Mrs. Carla Worth?

[Simon Templar]

You quite sure?

[Joe Hudson]

Strike me dead if that is. Don't strike me dead. Look, look, if she didn't what I say, why would I say she did?

[Simon Templar]

You have a point there. But why should she have wanted you to follow Sally?

[Joe Hudson]

Well, she had an idea her husband and Sally were kind of, you know.

[Simon Templar]

Kind of decorating their own little tree together.

[Joe Hudson]

I couldn't put it more tactful.

[Simon Templar]

I see. So if you got enough divorce evidence, Mrs. Worth could hold up her husband for plenty of alimony. No, no.

[Joe Hudson]

Oh, Mrs. Worth is the babe with a doll. Mr. Worth is a very well educated bum.

[Simon Templar]

Indeed. It's interesting. Louis, let me have the gun.

[Louie]

Yeah.

[Rocky Fortune]

Here, wait.

[Joe Hudson]

I told you the truth.

[Simon Templar]

I'm sure you did.

[Louie]

Mr. Templar.

[Simon Templar]

That's gratitude. It's necessity. Oh, we need him out of the way for a little while. He's out of the Way. Now?

[Louie]

Yeah.

[Simon Templar]

Now we're going to find out who else knew that Fats Boylan was thin.

[Louie]

You know, if we visited often enough, I might even get accustomed to this joint.

[Simon Templar]

You might also start confusing yourself with Grant.

Good evening, Humphrey.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm sorry. The family retired for the night.

[Simon Templar]

It is late, I know.

[Rocky Fortune]

I wish to retire myself.

[Simon Templar]

Why, Humphrey, you don't look 65. Good night, sir. Aren't you going to ask us in?

[Rocky Fortune]

No.

[Simon Templar]

Why, Humphrey, I thought you and I were going to sing Christmas carols together. That door of me. Shut the door.

[Louie]

Okay, I shall complete.

[Simon Templar]

All right, but not now.

[Louie]

Mr. Templer. Gonna wear that gun out hitting people over the head with it.

[Simon Templar]

And I couldn't have him warn anyone we're here.

[Louie]

Why?

[Simon Templar]

We're gonna bogle the joint in a way.

[Gail Grayson]

Huh?

[Simon Templar]

The kinder description would be, search the place, Louie.

[Louie]

Oh, for what?

[Simon Templar]

Oddly enough, something that can't be seen or touched.

[Louie]

Sounds like a ghost.

[Simon Templar]

Yes, and in a way, it is the ghost of a murderer.

[Louie]

It's the night before Christmas, all right, but a creature is stirring. A couple of creatures. Us.

[Simon Templar]

We've covered all the rooms on the other landing. Therefore, the bedroom should be here. And therefore, this should be someone's bedroom. Let's go in.

[Louie]

We're sleeping now?

[Simon Templar]

If I can open the door softly enough and look in.

Moonlight through the window. Yes, the dressing room door. Beyond would be the bedroom proper.

[Louie]

Proper is not a word we're in any position to throw a romp, we'll.

[Simon Templar]

Have to go in to the dressing room. Come on, Louie.

[Laura Grayson]

Okay.

[Simon Templar]

Wait a minute, Louie. Inhale.

[Louie]

Mr. Temple, I don't usually take breathing exercises in the middle of the night, Louis. All right, I'm inhaling.

[Simon Templar]

Well, perfume. Mm, familiar.

[Louie]

I could learn to love it.

[Simon Templar]

But no. Then out we go.

[Louie]

You didn't care for that perfume?

[Simon Templar]

It didn't tell me anything.

[Louie]

What do you want?

[Simon Templar]

Perfume should tell you who killed Fats. Boiling.

[Louie]

Another bedroom we go in.

[Simon Templar]

Naturally.

[Louie]

For a bachelor, that ain't the word you should have used. I'm beginning to get worried about this. Supposing somebody screams?

[Simon Templar]

Hold yourself together, Louis. Okay.

[Louie]

After all, like the poet says, strong heart, never one fair maiden.

[Simon Templar]

You mean faint heart.

[Louie]

All right, so for dinner, I'll eat dog food.

[Simon Templar]

Now.

Another dressing room. Well.

[Louie]

Hey, Mr. Templer.

[Simon Templar]

Yes? The same perfume we noticed. Oh, don't be frightened.

[Carla Worth]

Simon, what are you doing in here?

[Simon Templar]

Louis and I have been testing perfumes.

[Carla Worth]

It's the middle of the night. You awaken me.

[Simon Templar]

I'm sorry. I'm even sorrier about something else.

[Gail Grayson]

What's that?

[Simon Templar]

The perfume you use is very distinctive, Sally.

[Carla Worth]

Am I supposed to say thanks?

[Simon Templar]

No. Because the last place Louis and I noticed it was in Fats Boylan's room, minutes after he'd been killed. Oh, not good tell.

[Carla Worth]

You're making all this up.

[Simon Templar]

No, no. This bottle of perfume will be evidence.

[Carla Worth]

But I didn't kill Boylan. You must be joking about that.

[Simon Templar]

I don't think a jury would find it funny. You knew about Boylan stealing the jewels. You must have helped him.

[Carla Worth]

I didn't.

[Simon Templar]

But then you found yourself being trailed by Hudson, who'd been hired by Mrs. Worth. You were afraid he'd discover the connection between you and Boylan. That's why you came to my apartment.

[Gail Grayson]

No.

[Simon Templar]

Yes. You hoped I'd throw Hudson off, perhaps frighten him. In the meanwhile, you could get to Boylan, get the jewels from him.

[Gail Grayson]

That isn't true.

[Simon Templar]

But when you got to Boylan's place, you found him already dead and the jewels gone.

[Carla Worth]

I didn't.

[Simon Templar]

It would be much better for you that way.

[Carla Worth]

What do you mean?

[Simon Templar]

You wouldn't be liable to a first degree murder charge.

[Carla Worth]

But there were detectives here while the party was going on. Boylan couldn't have stolen the jewels. They saw him leave. He didn't have them.

[Simon Templar]

He did have them. He was playing Santa Claus and he was a thin man. Santa Clauses, as Louis pointed out to me earlier tonight, are fat. Therefore, Boylan entered this house wearing padding underneath his costume. He left it with a large jewel box in place of the padding. That's how he did it.

[Carla Worth]

Sally, you're smart.

[Simon Templar]

You found Boylan. You knew his address, therefore you'd hired him in the first place. And therefore also a jury would believe you'd killed him. Unless you tell us who did.

[Carla Worth]

Well, all right, I'll tell you.

[Simon Templar]

There's really no need, my dear.

[Carla Worth]

Oh, Claude.

[Louie]

Hey, Mr. Temple. Tell him to point the gun someplace else.

[Rocky Fortune]

Mr. Worth.

[Simon Templar]

Point that gun someplace out. I prefer this direction. You were saying, Mr. Templer, about the jewels? The jewels were insured. Therefore, you, Mr. Worth, arranged to have them stolen. Indeed. Indeed. In that way, you could retain the jewels, the insurance money as well, and not worry very much whether or not your wife divorced you. Clever. Boylan is dead. How true. You had to see to that, didn't you? Otherwise he might have blackmailed you for the rest of your life. Or for whatever money you got out of the entire crooked. I can see two other deaths. Yours, your friend and Sally. You going to kill her, too? That Depends, I should think, on Sally.

[Carla Worth]

Claude, I never knew you intended to kill anyone.

[Simon Templar]

No need to play the ingenue quite so strenuously, my dear. You were in on most of it. But not murder. I'm afraid Mr. Templar's pessimism is justified. I shall have to include you. But however did you get onto a Templar? A perfume, to be precise. This perfume. You got him in the eye. I hope this gets him someplace more effective.

[Louie]

Mr. Templar, the trail of unconscious bodies you're leaving behind you tonight. If laid end to end.

[Simon Templar]

Yes, Lily would look terrible.

[Gail Grayson]

Simon.

[Simon Templar]

Yes, Carla?

[Carla Worth]

You've been very sweet, even without your whiskers. You've been sort of a Santa Claus to me. May I?

[Simon Templar]

Oh, with pleasure.

[Carla Worth]

Well, I never knew Santa Claus could kiss like that.

[Simon Templar]

Santa Claus is no saint.

[Carla Worth]

Yes?

[Simon Templar]

Oh.

Hello, Louie.

[Louie]

Mr. Templer, you better put on your whiskers.

[Joe Hudson]

You forgotten all about Mrs. Winterbottom?

[Simon Templar]

Mrs. Oh, well, the hour is past midnight. The tots have undoubtedly totted off to bed by now. Louie, you may tell Mrs. Winterbottom I.

[Louie]

Know that the saint ain't no Santa clau.

[Joe Hudson]

You have been listening to another transcribed adventure of the saint, the Robin Hood of modern crime. Now here is our star, Vincent Price.

[Simon Templar]

Ladies and gentlemen, all of us who live in the United States are aware of the spiritual values of American life. Our factories and machines and luxuries. But there is another side to American life, a side made up of spiritual values. Our country was founded upon faith in God. In the Declaration of Independence, it states that men were endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights. Thus, religious faith is part of the very foundation of American democracy. And one of our most precious national heritages is freedom of worship. By exercising this freedom, you and your families can enjoy the spiritual pleasures that come with church or synagogue attendance. Moreover, your religious leaders stand ready to give you their help, whether you need personal or family guidance. And if you suffer the loneliness natural to a newcomer to this country, the churches of your faith will welcome you. We all know that without spiritual values, the other advantages of American life have little meaning. Without faith, the family and the community become unstable. Without faith, the individual denies himself the peace and guidance of religion. The doors of your churches and synagogues are open to you. The freedom to worship as you please.

And so America's religious organizations invite you to find yourself through faith and to come to church this week. And may I wish you all a wonderful Christmas and for the world peace in all the years to come. This is Vincent Price inviting you to join us again next week. At this same time for another exciting adventure of the Saint. Good night.

[Joe Hudson]

This Adventure of the Saint was written by Louis Vitis. Our cast included Mary Ship as Sally and Betty Lou Gerson as Carl. Carla High Everback was Hudson, Ted Osborne, Claude the butler, Stanley Farrar. Louis is played by Larry Dotkin. The Saint, based on characters created by Leslie Charteris, is a James L. Sathier production and is directed by Helen Mack. Vincent Price is soon to be seen co starring in RKO's production of his Kind of Woman. All you Saint fans will be glad to know that the Saint comic books are on sale at all newsstands. Your announcer, Don Stanley. Three chimes mean good times on NBC. For your Christmas Eve listening pleasure, there's another broadcast of NBC Sunday hour and a half extravaganza, the Big Show. There's a whole Christmas stocking full of stars including Tallulah, Jimmy Durante, Ed Wynn, Charles Boyer, Robert Merrill and many more. Tonight also means your weekly visit with the Harris family on the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show. Be sure to hear this special Christmas program later today on NBC.

[Louie]

Happy holiday. Happy listening.

[Simon Templar]

Happy holiday.

[Louie]

Happy listening. NBC wishes you a season of good cheer, a merry, merry Christmas and a happy annual year.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Now, frank sinatra transcribed as rocky fortune.

NBC presents Frank Sinatra starring as that footloose and fancy free young gentleman, Rocky Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Did I ever tell you about the time I got mixed up in a plot to murder Santa Claus? Yeah. It all started when I answered a Christmas ad for a department store. The ad said, young man of good character is auxiliary star detective and other duties two week employment. So next day I am an auxiliary Shammas for Crackin Bomb's department store. Kind of a high class 5th Avenue dispensary where for only 50 bucks you can buy your girl a mink toothbrush. And for an extra five grand, you can get her a coat to match.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

This way, Mr. Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Rocky Fortune. Mr. Prim.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Uh, yes, yes, this is Fifth Floor Children's Toys. Note please. Santa's workshop and the enchanted igloo. This will be your post.

[Rocky Fortune]

What do I do?

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Just keep an eye on the merchandise. Quackenbaums has had a good deal of shoplifting recently.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah, especially in the jewelry department.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Eh, we don't like to talk about that, Mr. Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Mr. It's been on the front page of all the newspapers for a week. 8,000 bucks worth of pearls.

[Simon Templar]

Wow.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

The thief will be apprehended in good time. Have no fear. Well, I must get back to my office.

[Rocky Fortune]

Just a minute.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Mr. Primm.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yes?

[Rocky Fortune]

What happens if I see a ghost.

[Joe Hudson]

A what?

[Rocky Fortune]

A lifter. A thief.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Apprehend the criminal with the merchandise and bring both to my office. Behind the elevators. The name Lysander Primm is on the door.

[Rocky Fortune]

Check.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Oh, and one other thing. Yeah? At lunch hour, you will relieve Santa Claus.

[Rocky Fortune]

You mean, put on a beard and everything?

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Oh, it's just for half an hour. As a matter of fact, you start in exactly five minutes.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm not exactly built for this.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Neither is our present Santa. They're running thin this year. Just ask big elf to help stuff.

[Rocky Fortune]

You Big elf?

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Santa's helper? The large fellow in the elf suit.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh, sure.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Good luck, Mr. Fortune. The honor of Quackenbaums is in your hands.

[Rocky Fortune]

At $44.50 a week, Mr. Quackenbaum is getting a bargain.

Big elf, whose name is Marty, weighs about 250. He helps me in the Santa suit and I take over inside the magic igloo While Santa goes out for some chowder. I embarrass a couple of mothers by promising everything the kids ask for. And I'm really living it up, having to time in my life when a little girl about six Comes in all by herself. She's a pretty little thing too with blue eyes and freckles on one leg is a light steel brace.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all and that's what I want for Christmas well, hello, honey. Ye here all alone?

[Gail Grayson]

Yes, sir.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, what can I do for you?

[Gail Grayson]

I have a note for you.

[Rocky Fortune]

A letter for old Santa, huh? Ho, ho, let's have a look. Dear Santa, you know what we want for Christmas. We better get it, or you'll never live to make those Christmas Eve deliveries. Signed, you know who.

Well, well, did you write this letter yourself, honey?

[Gail Grayson]

No, sir. A man gave it to me.

[Rocky Fortune]

What did he look like?

[Gail Grayson]

A big man with a black mustache. Gave me a nickel too.

[Rocky Fortune]

Heavy spender, huh, honey? What's your name?

[Gail Grayson]

Gail. Gail Grayson.

[Rocky Fortune]

And what would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas, Gail?

[Gail Grayson]

I'd like your elf.

[Rocky Fortune]

You mean big bonehead out there?

[Gail Grayson]

Oh, no, not the man in the elf suit. I mean the elf doll. The one with the red silk suit and the green hat.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh, well, that's pretty expensive, honey. Maybe your mommy and daddy can't afford it.

[Gail Grayson]

I don't have any Mommy and Daddy.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh. Well, you leave your name and address with Santa and I'll see if we can't arrange for something. It might not be that same doll.

[Gail Grayson]

But that's the one I want.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah, I can see that. Well, look, Gail.

[Laura Grayson]

Gail, There you are. I told you to wait outside the man's office.

[Gail Grayson]

I wanted to talk to Santa about getting that elf doll.

[Laura Grayson]

Honey, I told you that doll cost too much.

[Gail Grayson]

Santa says maybe he can arrange something.

[Laura Grayson]

Santa's wrong. Look, mister, I just been seeing a man about trying to get a job in this place so we can afford to eat. I don't have money for expensive dolls.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, I'm sorry, miss.

[Laura Grayson]

I have no business building up false hopes in children. They put so much faith in this.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, if you'd just let me explain.

[Laura Grayson]

Come around and explain Christmas Eve, if you can.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'd like to, but I don't even know your name.

[Gail Grayson]

This is my sister, Laura, and we live at 65 Bleakman street, five flights up. Santa.

[Laura Grayson]

Gail, for heaven's sake, come along.

[Gail Grayson]

You won't forget the doll, will you, Santa? Please, please don't forget. Please.

[Rocky Fortune]

Lose a customer, Jack, I'm afraid I lost a friend, too.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Cheer up. Maybe you won't live long. Then you won't need a friend.

[Rocky Fortune]

Why don't you just stick to being a big elf, huh, Marty?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Don't be a wise guy, Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Me? I'm never a smart Alec. By the way, how did he spell elf? Oaf.

After lunch, the real make believe Santa Claus comes back and I turn over the suit, beard and stuffing. I'm glad to get back to being a store detective. That big elf is no pleasure to work with. I keep thinking of Little Gal. Well, let's face it. I keep thinking of her big sister who's got eyes like Dresden china and a figure like a Lamar's teapot. I wonder if I'm ever gonna see her again. I don't have to wander long, because right away things begin to happen.

[Carla Worth]

Help. Stop these Catcher.

[Gail Grayson]

Catch her.

[Rocky Fortune]

All right, hold it, hold it. Take it easy. Take it. Well, Laura Grayson. Who are you, Santa Claus?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Remember?

[Rocky Fortune]

My name is Rocky Fortune. I'm also the store dick in this department.

[Laura Grayson]

Mr. Fortune, please. I don't know why I. I took it.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, let's see what we've got here.

[Laura Grayson]

It's the elf doll, the one Gail wanted.

[Rocky Fortune]

Baby, if you're going to shoplift a doll, they got better ways worked out than just pick it up and run with it.

[Laura Grayson]

I had to take it. I couldn't disappoint her.

[Simon Templar]

I couldn't.

[Rocky Fortune]

I guess it was partly my fault.

[Laura Grayson]

I suppose you'll turn me over to the police now.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, hold it. Hold it, lady. This ain't for general publication. Between you and me, I'm the world's Worst toy store detective. Too much larceny in my blood. So I'll just turn around for 20 or 30 minutes and if you're not gone when I turn back, I'm gonna put the pinch on you.

[Laura Grayson]

You're letting me go?

[Rocky Fortune]

Please, let's not be vulgar.

[Laura Grayson]

Well, thank you, Rocky.

[Rocky Fortune]

Hey.

[Laura Grayson]

What?

[Rocky Fortune]

You forgot the doll. But I was gonna buy it for her anyway. Beside, I get it for only three bucks. Cause it's a display model. Now beat it.

[Laura Grayson]

Rocky, I could kiss you.

[Simon Templar]

Go ahead.

[Laura Grayson]

I will.

[Rocky Fortune]

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to you. Wow.

The kid slips the down the stairway with the elf doll and I am still wearing a lipstick on my cheek. When Mr. Primm boils over, he looks so much like a clothing store dummy you expect to find a price tag on him. Right behind him is Marty, the big oaf elf.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Mr. Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh, hi.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Where is she?

[Rocky Fortune]

Where is who?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Whom he. The dame who stole the doll from Santa's workshop.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh, you are a little elf, aren't.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

You, Mr. Marty here tells me he saw you catch her. Where is she?

[Rocky Fortune]

Overpowered me. She must be a lady wrestler or something.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Mr. Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Tell you what though, Mr. Fort Prim. Just to make everything okay, I'll pay for the doll.

[Simon Templar]

What?

[Rocky Fortune]

No kidding? You see, I know the young lady and I was gonna buy it for her anyway, so I.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Well, this is highly irregular.

[Rocky Fortune]

Oh, come on, Mr. Primm. Think of how proud Mr. Quackenbaum will be when you tell him you unloaded that shop worn display model, huh?

[Podcast Host]

Well.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Well, it's highly irregular, but go ahead. The sales clerk will make out the proper form.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, thanks, Mr. Primm.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'll do that. A fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What was the dame's name?

[Rocky Fortune]

What's it to you?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Just curious, you know.

[Rocky Fortune]

I know. Stay just as you are.

After closing time, I go into the employees dressing room for a quick wash up and a change of linen. Place empties out when my pal the store Santa slaps in. After a hard day at the igloo, he takes off his red suit and I see he's built like a Japanese wrestler with a nose like Rudolph the Reindeer. Only it ain't from drinking melted snow.

Well, good night, everybody. Good night, Herm.

Looks as if the detectives and the Santa Clauses are the late workers in this department, huh? Yeah. Just you and me now. Just you, Santa. I'm blowing right now. Just a minute. Yeah? That girl who stole the elf down. What about her? Mr. Prim mentioned that you know her. Son, I'd like to know her name. You're the second guy in a half an hour. What is this? Just what I said. Fortune. What's her name and where does she live? Look, I know you've been making a list and checking it twice, uncle, but just what do you want to. Why do you want to know? I. I had my eye on that elf doll myself for my kid. I'd like to get her for her. They got brand new ones in stock. I'm interested in that one. So the name, huh? Sorry, Uncle Fortune. Maybe I don't make myself clear. I want that girl's name and address. I want it very bad. You know, you shouldn't use that tone of voice. It don't sound like you got the holiday spirit. I'm gonna use more than the tone of voice if you don't unclaim. Sorry, Sam. Okay, Fortunate.

Okay. You wanna fight?

[Laura Grayson]

Yeah.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What's her name?

[Rocky Fortune]

Why, you puss.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

I'll bust you. Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, please. Just what is going on here?

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, let Sampson here tell you.

I was just showing Mr. Fortune here a couple of judo holes that might come in handy next time a young girl overpowers.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

This is not a gymnasium, gentlemen. I'll thank you to leave and report back promptly tomorrow morning. Good evening.

[Rocky Fortune]

I managed to stagger out of my own power and head back to my flat. I figure I'll have some supper and then locate Laura Grayson for another look at that elf doll that everybody wants to get his hands on. Also for another look at Laura Grayson. Yeah, I stopped to line my flu at a local cafeteria and go up to the flat. I walk in like I live there, which I do, and discover I have guests.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Hello, Rocky.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, well, Sergeant Hamilton. J. Finger. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake with poison in it.

[Narrator/Announcer]

A cake with a file in it would be more useful where you're going. Rocky, my old pal, you are referring.

[Rocky Fortune]

To the House of Detention.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The same.

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, sir, if my days as a processor serve me correctly, they make mention of a thing titled due process, which means you don't arrest a guy without you can make some kind of charge.

[Simon Templar]

Right?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Right.

[Rocky Fortune]

So.

[Narrator/Announcer]

So we would like to revolve the wheel of our conversation around the axle of your understanding down at the Irish clubhouse.

[Rocky Fortune]

Concerning.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Concerning? A murder.

[Rocky Fortune]

You said a murder?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Rocky Fortune]

Who?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Rocky, this is going to come as a shock to a naive young boy like yourself, but there ain't no Santa Claus.

[Simon Templar]

How come?

[Narrator/Announcer]

How come? Because somebody stuck a knife in him. He's laying on his face over in Quackenbaum's Department Store. Let's Go.

[Rocky Fortune]

I spend the next few hours as a guest of the city in the squad room, or sweat box, as it is affectionately remembered by inmates of various steel academies in this state and mine, host to Sergeant Finger.

[Narrator/Announcer]

All right, now for the last time. You had an argument with him, right?

[Rocky Fortune]

He had one with me.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Okay. He shocked you.

[Store Clerk (Mr. Primm)]

Yes.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You shocked him, Right. You got interrupted.

[Rocky Fortune]

Right.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You left.

[Rocky Fortune]

Right.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Then you come back and stab them.

[Rocky Fortune]

Wrong. Okay, okay.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Let's have your story.

[Rocky Fortune]

Somebody was after him, Sarge. I got a threatening note that was supposed to go to him.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Where is it?

[Rocky Fortune]

Here.

[Narrator/Announcer]

This is kid stuff.

[Rocky Fortune]

You ever hear of a kid threatening Santa Claus?

[Louie]

Come on.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Okay, okay, so it ain't good stuff. Who sent it and why?

[Rocky Fortune]

That's what the taxpayers hire you to figure out. Maybe it's got some connection with a jewel robbery.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What do you know about the jewel robbery?

[Rocky Fortune]

Just what I read in the papers. Somebody snatched eight grand worth of pearls.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You, maybe.

[Rocky Fortune]

Don't be ridiculous. I wasn't even working there when it happened.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What makes you think it was an inside job?

[Rocky Fortune]

The newspapers. They got the opinion from the police. You familiar with this organization?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Don't get funny.

[Rocky Fortune]

It ever occurred to you that maybe Santa Claus was in on that jewel job?

[Narrator/Announcer]

As a matter of fact, Rocky, the guy in that Santa Claus suit has a record as long as your arm. Only one thing is wrong.

[Rocky Fortune]

Yeah?

[Narrator/Announcer]

We can't arrest him for his own murder.

[Rocky Fortune]

So why pin it on me?

[Narrator/Announcer]

You're available. Also, whoever stabbed him was in on the inside. It happened after the store closed. Also, there's eight grand worth of pearls floating around someplace. And a reward for a thousand to whoever finds them.

[Rocky Fortune]

No kidding. There. You want to claim it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

All you have to do is confess you killed a guy, turn in the.

[Rocky Fortune]

Pearls, collect the reward and go to the chair. I'll tell you what, Sarge. You do me a favor and I'll confess to the murder, the jewel robbery and all of the other old crimes you're too stupid to solve.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What's the favor? Drop dead, Rocky. Someday.

[Gail Grayson]

Pow.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Right in the toy department.

[Rocky Fortune]

Come on, Finger. You know as well as I do I couldn't have done it.

[Narrator/Announcer]

What makes you think so?

[Rocky Fortune]

That note the lieutenant handed you a few minutes ago. You checked my alibi. And I was feeding my face in the cafeteria when he got stabbed. So stop giving me the needle and let me go home.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Fortuna Someday.

[Simon Templar]

I know.

[Rocky Fortune]

Pow. Can I go now?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Don't you like it here?

[Rocky Fortune]

It's great. But I got a date with a doll.

Finger turns me loose and I jockey my way right down to Laura Grayson's apartment in the Cheap Village flat. It's about 9pm When I get my finger in the doorbell.

[Laura Grayson]

Just a moment.

Rocky.

[Simon Templar]

Hi.

[Rocky Fortune]

Can I come in a minute?

[Laura Grayson]

Of course.

[Rocky Fortune]

Where is Gail?

[Laura Grayson]

Asleep? I hope so, anyway.

[Rocky Fortune]

Listen, honey, I. I have to ask you something. Well, have you got the. The doll?

[Simon Templar]

Of course.

[Laura Grayson]

Gail's so happy about it, she's ready to fly.

[Rocky Fortune]

Look, I. I'll have to ask you for it back.

[Laura Grayson]

You what?

[Rocky Fortune]

Well, I'll get another one to replace it. A brand new one.

[Louie]

Really, But.

[Rocky Fortune]

But right now I gotta have that one.

[Laura Grayson]

Sure, Rocky, sure.

[Simon Templar]

It's.

[Rocky Fortune]

It sounds kind of funny, but. And I can't explain it now, but you tell a kid I'll get her another one, huh?

[Laura Grayson]

It isn't necessary, Rocky. Wait a minute. I'll get it for you.

Here.

[Rocky Fortune]

Thanks. I have to get back to the store. I'll call you tomorrow.

[Simon Templar]

Maybe for dinner, huh?

[Laura Grayson]

Huh?

[Simon Templar]

Good night, Laura.

[Laura Grayson]

Good night, Rocky.

[Rocky Fortune]

I knew what she was thinking, so I didn't try to make any excuses. I just took the dial and headed back to my flight to take a look inside. It was as empty as an eggshell in a fox farm. I was just reaching for the phone when it rang. Hello?

[Laura Grayson]

Rocky? Yeah, but this is Laura. Rocky, something terrible's happened.

[Rocky Fortune]

What's wrong? What's the matter?

[Laura Grayson]

Just after you left, a man came, a big man with a black mustache. And he asked for the doll. Said he was from the department store police. I told him you'd taken it back to the store and he left.

[Rocky Fortune]

What's hotel?

[Laura Grayson]

Well, he must have awakened Gail and she overheard his. Anyway, when I went into her room just now, she was gone. Rocky, I don't know what to do.

[Rocky Fortune]

She heard you say I was taking a doll to the store.

[Gail Grayson]

Yes.

[Rocky Fortune]

Maybe she's on her way over there now to try to get the doll back.

[Laura Grayson]

At this hour?

[Rocky Fortune]

Honey, six year old kids don't know from the wages and hours law. Look, I'll take a run over there just in case she shows up. You notify the police and meet me.

I stuff the kids down in my overcoat pocket and flag a cab over to Quackenbaum's Department Store. There's no sign of the kid out front, so I leg it around at the delivery entrance. No sign. I decide to check inside and show my pastor, the night watchman at the entrance. Hold it, mister.

[Simon Templar]

Hiya, Pop.

[Rocky Fortune]

I work here.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Let's see your card.

[Rocky Fortune]

Here.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Right here. Store dick, huh?

[Rocky Fortune]

That's right, Pop. Now, Listen, I'm looking for a little girl about 7 years old. Wears a brace on one foot. You seen her? What would a kid like that be.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Doing here after hours?

[Rocky Fortune]

Her mother thinks she got lost in the store. Oh, well, I only been on a couple of minutes.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I ain't seen her.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm going up to check the toy department on five. You keep an eye out with you. If she comes along center up to 5, I'll be waiting. Okay. I'll keep watch. Fair. Thanks.

I go up to the toy department. In the darkness it looks as eerie as a graveyard on Halloween. I figure maybe Gail managed to slip in past the watchman. So I give a yell.

[Podcast Host]

Gail.

[Rocky Fortune]

Almost scare myself to death.

What's that?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Nobody here but us toys, boss. Get him up. Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

I assume that ain't a lollipop stick in my spine.

[Narrator/Announcer]

That's right, smart boy. Step over here in the light.

[Rocky Fortune]

To what do I owe the pleasure?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Just a little shopping trip. I'm looking for a doll.

[Rocky Fortune]

You don't say.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I do. So hand it over.

[Rocky Fortune]

Help yourself. It's in the coat pocket.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Toss it here.

[Rocky Fortune]

There.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I stand still while I have a look inside.

Okay, wise guy, where's the stuff?

[Rocky Fortune]

Stuff? Don't play dumb.

[Narrator/Announcer]

With eight grand worth of pearls from last week's job inside this doll. Where are they?

[Rocky Fortune]

Search me, pal. Maybe you got the wrong doll.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I got the right doll, buster.

[Rocky Fortune]

What makes you so sure?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Santa Claus told me before he died.

[Rocky Fortune]

Looks like you and Santa Claus were in on that robbery.

[Narrator/Announcer]

That's what I thought. That'll he tried to double cross me.

[Rocky Fortune]

What happened?

[Narrator/Announcer]

I heisted this stuff and gave it to Santa Claus to hide. He ate it so good I couldn't find it. He wasn't going to tell me where it was until I gave him more than half. Only I changed his mind for him.

[Rocky Fortune]

With a 4 inch blade.

[Narrator/Announcer]

You should be a store detective. You're real smart.

[Rocky Fortune]

I take it the stuff was in a dog.

[Narrator/Announcer]

That's right, Rocky. Only it ain't there now. And you had that doll. Which means unless you unclam, I may have to give you the same treatment I gave Santa Claus.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm telling you the pearls were gone when I got that doll home.

[Narrator/Announcer]

And I'm telling you, if they were gone, it's cause you took them.

[Rocky Fortune]

I don't have them.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Sue me, Rocky, old man. It's Christmas time and good will to men and all that.

[Rocky Fortune]

And I hate to knock off two.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Guys in the same day. But if you don't spill them pearls in five Seconds. I'm going to put lead in your braid. Now, where are they?

[Rocky Fortune]

I don't know.

[Narrator/Announcer]

One, two, three, four.

[Simon Templar]

What's it, Gail?

[Laura Grayson]

Hi.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I'm back here. Fortune. Here's a football for Christmas. Boy.

[Rocky Fortune]

I let Big Elf have it in a puss with a football from the toy counter and grab the kid. We duck into the maze of counters and crawl along until we get behind some packing crates. Marty's cursing and looking for us. And he's still got a gun, too.

[Gail Grayson]

Rocky, I. I had to find you. I wanted.

[Simon Templar]

Shh.

[Rocky Fortune]

Don't let him hear us crawl into this packing case.

[Gail Grayson]

Rocky, I'm scared.

[Rocky Fortune]

Do as I say.

[Gail Grayson]

Okay, Rocky.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Fortune. It's no use, Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm gonna find you. And when I do. Shh.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Come on out, Fortune.

[Laura Grayson]

Come on out.

[Gail Grayson]

Rocky, I'm scared.

[Simon Templar]

So am I, kid.

[Rocky Fortune]

We gotta do something.

[Louie]

Let's see what they got in these boxes.

[Rocky Fortune]

Mighty Mike. Mechanical police car. Oh, there's a big help. Hey, what? Let me have one of those.

[Gail Grayson]

Here. What are you gonna do, Rocky?

[Joe Hudson]

You'll see.

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm coming. Fortune, look out.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Marty.

[Rocky Fortune]

Watch out.

It's two shots. He's got a revolver that holds six.

[Louie]

Four to go.

[Rocky Fortune]

Let's see now.

[Gail Grayson]

Here's something, Rocky. Super rocket ship.

[Rocky Fortune]

Fine. Let's try this on. Ready?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Go.

Fortune, are you crazy?

[Rocky Fortune]

I'm going to get you this. Ran to a five. One more. What's in that box, honey?

[Gail Grayson]

It's Atomic Blaster Junior Space Cadet sign.

[Simon Templar]

Why not?

[Rocky Fortune]

Let's try it.

[Narrator/Announcer]

I hear you, Fortune.

[Gail Grayson]

I hear you.

[Rocky Fortune]

Now try this.

You missed, Marty. That's pretty bad shooting.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Maybe, punk, but this ain't going to be Hunter.

[Rocky Fortune]

Those things got to be loaded before you can shoot a Marty.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Remember you, Jerry.

[Rocky Fortune]

Something else for Christmas.

My gift to Santa's helper was a Louisville Slugger right on top of the noggin. And just as he went out, the lights went on. Suddenly, the place is crawling with humanity.

[Laura Grayson]

Rocky. Gail, are you all right?

[Rocky Fortune]

We're fine, baby. Well, look who's here. Late as usual.

[Narrator/Announcer]

No wires, cracks. Is this the missing kid, lady?

[Laura Grayson]

Yes, officer.

[Gail Grayson]

Thank you.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Who's this stiff?

[Rocky Fortune]

This is the bum who killed Santa Claus.

[Gail Grayson]

Boy, you should have seen Rocky bean him with that bat.

[Rocky Fortune]

By the way, Gail, where's the stuff that was inside the doll?

[Gail Grayson]

You mean the pretty marbles? I thought they came inside the doll, Rocky. It was a sort of surprise.

[Rocky Fortune]

Some surprise. Do you have them?

[Gail Grayson]

I think so.

[Rocky Fortune]

Here they are, Sergeant. Here you are, sir. Just in case you ain't got all your marbles Marbles.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Hey, those are the pearls that were hoisted last week.

[Rocky Fortune]

He's got a magnificent mind, this Sergeant finger, doesn't he, Gail? I'm sorry about the doll, honey. But unless I'm mistaken, you got about a thousand dollar reward coming for this stuff.

[Laura Grayson]

Thousand dollars? Rocky, it's too good to be true.

[Simon Templar]

I must be dreaming.

[Rocky Fortune]

Want me to pinch you?

[Laura Grayson]

Couldn't you just kiss me instead?

[Rocky Fortune]

Why not? Yeah.

Merry christmas.

[Laura Grayson]

Happy new year.

[Joe Hudson]

Yeah.

[Narrator/Announcer]

NBC has presented Frank Sinatra as that footloose and fancy free young gentleman, Rocky Fortune. Others in tonight's cast included Ted von else, Mary McGovern, Kay Stewart, Frank Gerstel, Jim Nusser, Barney Phillips, Bill Justine. Tonight's script was written by George Lefferts. Andrew C. Love directed. And now, to tell you about next week's adventure, here's Frank Sinatra as Rocky Fortune.

[Rocky Fortune]

Next week I managed to get involved in a fixed fight. Some gamblers want me to stay down for the long count from here to eternity. Tune in and I'll tell you all about it. Till then, I'll see you around.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Visit with fiber mcgee and molly tonight on the NBC radio network.

[Joe Hudson]

Now here is our star, Vincent Price.

[Simon Templar]

Ladies and gentlemen. In a prejudice filled America, no one would be secure in his job, his business, his church or his home. Yet racial and religious antagonisms are exploited daily by quacks and adventurers whose followers make up the irresponsible lunatic fringe of American life. Refuse to listen to or spread rumors against any race or religion. Help to stamp out prejudice in our country. Let's judge our neighbors by the character of their lives alone and not on the basis of their religion or origin.