BONUS - Christmas Caper Countdown (Part 3)

Summary

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Down These Mean Streets (Old Time Radio Detectives)

BONUS - Christmas Caper Countdown (Part 3)

Original Release: December 17, 2025
Host: Mean Streets Podcasts
Featured Detectives: Johnny Dollar (Charles Russell) & Nero Wolfe (Sydney Greenstreet)

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Overview

This festive bonus episode counts down to Christmas with two holiday-themed mysteries from the golden age of radio. The host presents “Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar” in “Small Time Swindles of Big Department Stores” and “The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe” in “The Case of the Slaughtered Santas.” Both episodes blend classic detective intrigue with a Christmas backdrop, starring some of radio’s most iconic gumshoes.

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Key Discussion Points & Episode Breakdown

1. Introduction & Podcast Purpose (00:59–02:32)

• Host introduces the Christmas Caper Countdown, featuring holiday episodes with Johnny Dollar and Nero Wolfe.
• Johnny Dollar ("man with the action-packed expense account") investigates a Christmas Eve department store crime.
• Nero Wolfe tackles the murder of sidewalk Santas, including one fearful Kris Kringle seeking protection.
• Tone is nostalgic and lively, celebrating radio detective traditions.

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2. “Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar: Small Time Swindles of Big Department Stores”

(02:32–31:04)

Investigation Setup (03:11–06:10)

• Johnny Dollar receives a case from Eben Stevens: a swindler poses as a department store salesman, makes fake sales, steals cash.
• Judy Whitehall, association representative, assists Johnny.
  • Memorable Moment: Johnny flirts with Judy, quipping:

    "You know, in one department store I'm the kind of a guy that can't find a glove department. And now I've got 120 stores in which to find someone I don't even know." (05:48)

Escalation: Crime Turns Violent (06:30–09:07)

• Swindler is confronted in Miller's store; a little girl, Bobby, takes his picture, leading to a shooting (store detective killed).
• The perpetrator flees with the camera; Bobby left traumatized.

The Child Witness & Santa Claus Strategy (09:07–13:42)

• Dollar struggles to get a description from terrified Bobby.
  • Memorable Exchange:

    Bobby: "He hit me. He tried to kill me. He took away my camera." (09:24) Johnny: "Looks like as a child psychologist, I'm nothing..." (09:53)

• Judy suggests invoking Santa's authority; Bobby trusts Santa.
• Santa (store employee) is enlisted to gently persuade Bobby to talk.
  • Humorous Line:

    "You know what happens to little girls who make Santa Claus mad at them?... They don't get any toys. All they get is old sweaters and underwear." (10:24)

Break in the Case (13:42–16:11)

• Bobby gives a basic description; artist sketches suspect.
• They realize Santa in the toy department is missing—his suit stolen by the killer!
• Tension builds: Dollar realizes they may have given Bobby’s description to the murderer himself, now disguised as Santa.

Cat-and-Mouse in the Store (17:11–21:48)

• Police lock down the store; killer remains at large inside, now armed.
• Second victim: an old lady shot, further escalating the manhunt.
• Johnny advocates for store closure for safety, clashing with manager Mr. Sandler’s business priorities.

Climax: Showdown and Capture (21:48–29:06)

• Dollar and Sandler hunt for the killer among the shrouded displays.
• Dramatic gunfight; Dollar uses tactics and decoys to flush out the murderer, culminating in a brawl and Dollar trapping the villain in a packing crate.
  • Signature Noir Tone:

    "People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw guns." (25:10)

Denouement: A Twist (29:06–31:04)

• Dollar awakes in the hospital—realizes the crate (with the killer) has been shipped off as a charity box… to New York State Prison!
• Expense account humor and witty closing.

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3. “The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe: The Case of the Slaughtered Santas”

(32:32–60:57)

Mysterious Murders of Santas (32:32–39:09)

• Three men dressed as Santa Claus for charity—two are killed in separate incidents.
• Third Santa (John Barton) believes he’s the real target and hires Nero Wolfe for protection.
  • Atmospheric Open:

    “This costume you see me in is responsible for it all...I’m about to be murdered.” – John Barton (37:53)

Wolfe’s Methodical Strategy (39:09–44:03)

• Wolfe refuses to let Barton leave house, asserting control.
• Archie investigates the crime scenes, visits Barton's home (meeting niece Laura Barton and half-brother Wayne Stevens), and gets updates from Inspector Kramer at police HQ.
  • Wolfe’s Deadpan Wit:

    Archie: “Can you picture me scrambling down a chimney?”
    Wolfe: “Your imagination is morbid.” (37:10)

Family Tensions & Motives (44:03–49:21)

• Wealth and inheritance surface as motives; half Barton’s estate each to Laura and Wayne.
• Archie is trailed home by Laura, whom Wolfe immediately interrogates about her potential inheritance.

Deception Revealed (50:13–59:04)

• Barton is attacked and disappears from Wolfe’s home.
• Wolfe deduces the “Santa” Barton is in fact the butler, Pleasant, sent as a decoy by the true culprit.
• The real Barton had been cleverly hiding in plain sight, disguised as a street bum (whom Archie earlier gave a quarter).
  • Key Deduction:

    “If you wanted to hide a tree, you'd hide it in a forest. If you wanted to hide a murder... you’d go about murdering several people with an ostensible, if lunatic, reason.” – Wolfe (55:57)

The Murderer Exposed (59:04–60:08)

• Wayne Stevens is unmasked as the instigator; he sought cover for killing Barton by having multiple Santa murders appear to be the work of a maniac.
• Motive: inheritance, with the murders staged as random.

Resolution & Humor (60:08–60:57)

• The real Barton thanks Wolfe; the theme of logic and disguise is playfully underscored.
  • Final Reassurance:

    “Not recognition, Mr. Barton. Logic.” – Wolfe (60:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Johnny Dollar on Christmas chaos:

  “It was the week before Christmas and all through the house a creature was stirring and boy, what a rat.” (02:32)

• On using Santa to coax a traumatized child:

  “Well, listen, Bobby, this guy Santa happens to be a good friend of mine. What do you think of that?” – Johnny Dollar (10:40)

• Nero Wolfe’s logic on camouflage:

  “If you wanted to hide a murder... you’d go about murdering several people with an ostensible, if lunatic, reason.” (55:57)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:59–02:32: Episode intro, case summaries
• 03:11–06:10: Johnny Dollar receives assignment
• 09:07–13:42: Bobby, child witness, and Santa strategy
• 15:28–16:11: Realization: killer disguised as Santa
• 21:48–29:06: Manhunt, gunfight, and capture in department store
• 32:32–34:18: Nero Wolfe story opens — Santas on street corners
• 37:53: Barton seeks Wolfe’s help in person
• 44:27–49:21: Barton home, introduction of suspects and motives
• 55:57: Wolfe’s critical deduction about the murder pattern
• 59:04–60:08: Stevens unmasked as the murderer
• 60:08–60:57: Barton’s reveal and wrap-up

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Tone & Style

The episode is witty, fast-paced, and richly atmospheric, showcasing the banter, sharp dialogue, and sly humor of radio’s golden age. The host and featured detectives exude the classic noir sensibilities, mixing suspense with seasonal flair.

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Takeaway

This holiday episode showcases two vintage detective stories filled with murder, mistaken identity, festive mayhem, and clever sleuthing. Whether it’s Johnny Dollar’s sardonic expense account or Nero Wolfe’s unflappable logic, both mysteries deliver satisfying, Christmas-laced suspense rooted in radio’s beloved traditions.

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Ideal for listeners craving old-fashioned mystery, holiday nostalgia, and sharp detective drama.

Transcript

[Archie Goodwin]

Get this and get it straight.

[Nero Wolfe]

Crime is a sucker's road and those.

[Johnny Dollar]

Who travel it wind up in the.

[Archie Goodwin]

Gut of the prison of the grave. The story you are about to hear is true.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

[Archie Goodwin]

The Adventures of Sam Spade Detective the.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Adventures of the Saint starring Vincent Price.

[Johnny Dollar]

Bob Bailey in the exciting adventures of.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The man with the action packed expense account.

[Johnny Dollar]

America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator, yours truly, Johnny Dollar.

[Podcast Host]

Hello and welcome to a bonus episode of down these Mean Streets. As today we continue our countdown to Christmas with holiday adventures of some of our favorite radio detectives. This week our Christmas crime solvers are Johnny Dollar and Nero Wolf. First up is the man with the action packed expense account as played by Charles Russell. We'll hear him in small time swindles of big department stores. Originally aired on CBS on December 24, 1949. It's a case that brings Johnny Dollar to a crowded department store at the height of the holiday shopping season. But he's not looking for some last minute gifts. He's hunting for a thief and a murderer. Then Sidney Greenstreet is Nero Wolf with Larry Dobkin as Archie Goodwin in the case of the Slaughtered Santas. Originally aired on NBC on December 22, 1950. A real Grinch is bumping off sidewalk Santas in the Big Apple. And one very frightened Kris Kringle hires Nero Wolf for protection. I'll be back on Sunday with our next regular episode, but for now, enjoy some holiday mystery courtesy of Johnny Dollar and Nero Wolf.

[Johnny Dollar]

It was the week before Christmas and all through the house a creature was stirring and boy, what a rat.

[Narrator/Announcer]

This is another in the adventures of America spirit. Fabulous freelance insurance investigator Johnny Dollar, starring Charles Russell. At Insurance Investigation. Johnny Dollar is only an expert at making out his expense account. He's an absolute genius.

[Johnny Dollar]

Expense account submitted by special investigator Johnny Dollar to Home Office Industrial Insurers Incorporated, Hartford, CT. Attention Mr. Eben Stevens, General manager. The following is an accounting of my expenditures during investigation of small time swindles of big time department stores. Or how I played Santa Claus and almost got left holding the sack or going for a sleigh ride without benefit of snow can be tough sleep. Wedding expense account item 1. $1 tip to messenger who delivered this assignment writing by hand to my apartment. Thanks, Mr. Dollar.

[Nero Wolfe]

You have never been known as a.

[Johnny Dollar]

Fast man with a buck, Mr. Stevens. And I must say your note to me also marked you in my mind as an economist with words.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Dear Dollar, our client, the association of Department Stores of Greater Manhattan has requested help on the following problem. A young man's been making the rounds of New York department stores during the current Christmas rush. Using his equipment and official looking sales.

[Johnny Dollar]

Book, he goes to a business department.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Makes a quick sale on some large item, writes it up in his furious sales book, takes the customer's cash and disappears. Enclosed find varying descriptions as furnished by victims to date and check for your usual retainer fee. Please put a stop to this nefarious practice at once. Signed, Eben Stevens, General manager.

[Johnny Dollar]

Expense account item two, $6.21. Train fare, Hartford to New York. Next morning at 7:03 on the Bankers Special. A train very cleverly named that because 75% of its load is made up of bankers. I sat among them in a parlor car watching them limbering up for the day's chores, slowly shaking their heads from side to side and softly whispering, no. We arrived at Grand Central at 9:20. The bankers got off and headed for their granite vaults. I got off and headed to face my stone wall. Expense account, item 3, 4 bits cab fare to offices of the association of Department Stores of Greater Manhattan. There, things got brighter right away. Her name was Judy Whitehall. Boy, how she's been missed by the scouts for the Copacabana I'll never know.

[Judy Whitehall]

I have been assigned to help you all I can, Mr. Dollar. What would you like to know first?

[Johnny Dollar]

Your home phone number. Oh, well, maybe we better wait until later for that. How many stores are there in your association, Ms. Whitehall?

[Judy Whitehall]

We have 120 member stores, Mr. Dollar.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Great.

[Johnny Dollar]

You know, in one department store I'm the kind of a guy that can't find a glove department. And Now I've got 120 stores in which to find someone I don't even know.

[Judy Whitehall]

Well, we do have the man's description.

[Johnny Dollar]

Yeah, as a matter of fact, we have a lot of descriptions, all slightly different.

[Judy Whitehall]

And the regular store detectives are all on the lookout.

[Johnny Dollar]

It's like looking for a noodle in a spaghetti shop.

[Judy Whitehall]

And all the sales personnel have been warned.

[Johnny Dollar]

It's beautiful.

[Judy Whitehall]

What's beautiful?

[Johnny Dollar]

Your face.

[Judy Whitehall]

Well, really, Mr. Dolan at Darwal.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, yeah.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh, yes, I know. Business. Well, before I start, maybe you'd better give me a letter of identification. If I spend all day moseying around department stores without buying anything, I can stand a good chance of getting picked up as a shoplifter right away.

[Judy Whitehall]

Follow me.

[Johnny Dollar]

All right.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, just a minute. Hello? This is Ms. Whitehall. Oh, yes, Mrs. Sandler. Oh, my, that's terrible. My goodness, that's awful. Good gracious, that's worse. Well, the insurance investigator is here right now, Mr. Sanders. We'll be right over.

[Johnny Dollar]

What's so terrible?

[Judy Whitehall]

That man, the one we're looking for, he was in the Miller's store making a phony sale on the camera department.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh, you also said it was awful.

[Judy Whitehall]

It was. A little girl picked up a camera and snapped his picture. The man tried to take it away from her and the girl yelled and then her mother screamed.

[Johnny Dollar]

And what made it worse?

[Judy Whitehall]

Well, a store detective came running and the man shot him. Then he grabbed the little girl, camera and all, and it ran off. They called the police.

[Johnny Dollar]

Really? I can't imagine why. A mob scene in the Miller store would have made the Notre Dame backfield hotter. Uncle Christmas. Next. Ties were selling like hotcakes, only compared to most of the ties. A hotcake would look better on you. The camera department was on the mezzanine and the store manager, Mr. Sandler, was on a rampage.

[Mr. Sandler]

Why doesn't somebody do something? Why can't they find him? I've got men posted on every door. He's in this store somewhere and. Oh, Ms. Whitehall, it's about time. Who's this?

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, this is Mr. Dollar, Mr. Sandler from the insurance company.

[Mr. Sandler]

Well, I don't know what you can do, Dollar. I've already got 20 policemen running all over the store. It's absolutely ridiculous, preposterous and fantastic.

[Johnny Dollar]

That what it is also amazing. Now, tell me, Mr. Sander, about that little girl who picked up the camera and snapped the culprit's picture. Did they find her yet?

[Mr. Sandler]

They certainly did. In the rug department. She'd been shoved in the middle of a pile of 9 by 12 orientals, on sale at 1:23.50. She was scared, but not hurt.

[Johnny Dollar]

And the girl was found without the camera, I suppose. Naturally.

[Mr. Sandler]

But the camera wouldn't do us any good. After all, I'm sure the camera didn't have any film in it. They never do when on display.

[Judy Whitehall]

How about the store detective, the one.

[Mr. Sandler]

Who got shot in the hospital? Ms. Hall, they'll call me here as soon as they find out how badly he's been hurt.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, look, getting back to that kid, was she able to give you a good description of the guy who grabbed her?

[Mr. Sandler]

She hasn't stopped crying long enough.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, how about our mother?

[Mr. Sandler]

Neither is she.

[Johnny Dollar]

Where are they now?

[Mr. Sandler]

They're in my office. That's why I'm staying right here.

[Johnny Dollar]

Where is your office?

[Mr. Sandler]

On the eighth floor, right next to the credit office.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, this may be the first time I ever got past the credit Office. Come on, Judy.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, Bobby. Come on, blow your nose. There. Now, be a brave little girl. I don't wanna. He hit me. He tried to kill me. He took away my camera.

[Johnny Dollar]

Let me have another try, Mrs. Jenkins.

[Judy Whitehall]

All right, Mr. Dollar, if you think going to do any good.

[Nero Wolfe]

All right.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh, come on now, Bobby. All you have to do is tell us what that bad man looked like. We'll get him and then we'll fix him. Come on, huh?

[Judy Whitehall]

I don't wanna. He'll kill me.

[Johnny Dollar]

I'm beginning to think he's got a point. Okay, Bobby. Okay, okay. Just a minute now. Oh, Judy here.

[Judy Whitehall]

Yes, Johnny?

[Johnny Dollar]

Looks like as a child psychologist, I'm nothing. At this point, I feel like telling little Bobby to go out and play with some old razor blades. Got any suggestions?

[Judy Whitehall]

Well, it is almost Christmas. Yeah, and one thing little girls don't want to do at Christmas is get in wrong with Santa Claus.

[Johnny Dollar]

Ah, gotcha. Good gal. Where do we find Santa Claus?

[Judy Whitehall]

In the toy department on the fifth floor.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, give me about five minutes to explain things to Santa and then bring Bobby down. Oh, Bobby.

[Judy Whitehall]

What?

[Johnny Dollar]

Do you know what happens to little girls who make Santa Claus mad at them? Yes, what happens?

[Judy Whitehall]

They don't get to look at television before they go to bed.

[Johnny Dollar]

I mean, at Christmas, what happens?

[Judy Whitehall]

They don't get any toys. All they get is old sweaters and underwear.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, listen, Bobby, this guy Santa happens to be a good friend of mine. What do you think of that?

[Judy Whitehall]

Tell him I want an air rifle.

[Archie Goodwin]

You would?

[Johnny Dollar]

Okay, okay. I'll even fix it so you can tell him yourself. How's that?

[Judy Whitehall]

Just fine.

[Johnny Dollar]

Ah, good girl. Hey, where'd you get that blood on your coat? You got a cut?

[Judy Whitehall]

No, sir. That's from that bad man. I bit him on my hand.

[Johnny Dollar]

Okay, Judy, here I go. Oh, and on the way down, maybe you better stop by the dog supply department and buy little Bobby a muzzle. If the kid doesn't like his looks, old Saint Nick may get nicked. Department stores should have some kind of a Congressional Medal for salespeople who work in the toy department. Just before Christmas, I took the elevator down to five. And when that door slid open, Like stepping into Dante's Inferno. Junior grade. First I got on a house phone and called Santa, who was still in the camera department. He'd had word from the hospital. The store detective had died without regaining consciousness. I was no longer trying to catch a cheap swindler. I was now out to swap blood with a dirty murderer. A line of fidgety kids led me To Santa Claus, sitting benignly on his throne. I had a short talk with him and a short wait for Judy and little Bobby. Okay, Santa. Now we've got to make her talk. That is, you've got to.

[Narrator/Announcer]

All right.

[Johnny Dollar]

$.

[Mr. Sandler]

All right, now, kiddies, you'll have to.

[Nero Wolfe]

Wait for a moment.

[Narrator/Announcer]

We have a special little visitor coming to see me.

[Judy Whitehall]

Hello, Johnny. All set?

[Johnny Dollar]

Yeah, all set. Okay, Bobby McGirl. Now, just let me give you a hoist up into Santa's lap. He wants to ask you a few questions.

[Judy Whitehall]

I want an air rifle.

[Johnny Dollar]

Now, you'll be a good little girl and answer all Santa's nice questions and you'll get it. But I'm where I'd like to give it to you.

[Mr. Sandler]

Up you go.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, there we are, honey. Now tell me, what do you want for Christmas?

[Judy Whitehall]

I want an air rifle.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, we'll see what we can do about that. Tell me, have you been a good little girl?

[Judy Whitehall]

Yes, sir.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, first we'll just have to look up your name in my little black book and make sure. Hmm.

[Mr. Sandler]

Pretty good.

[Narrator/Announcer]

All but one little thing.

[Judy Whitehall]

What'd I do? I didn't do nothing.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, that's just it. You see, Bobby, I have a note here that today some people asked you what a certain man looked like and.

[Johnny Dollar]

You wouldn't tell them.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Is that right?

[Judy Whitehall]

I'm afraid I don't want to tell. They can't make me.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, Bobby, maybe you and I had better talk this over.

[Mr. Sandler]

If you won't do something for us.

[Narrator/Announcer]

How do you expect it?

[Johnny Dollar]

Little Bobby's description of the murderer wasn't the greatest by any means, but it was better than none at all, with which we had been furnished by the personnel in the camera department and the kid's mother. We took the girl to the advertising department, where an artist made a sketch. Armed with a drawing, we made a tour of the store exits, showing it to the police posted on every door, giving them a rough idea what to look for. A medium build, pudgy man with black hair. And when they came across such a character, he was to be issued an invitation to show his hands. If he was sporting Bobby's teeth marks, then they'd really know this chore. Out of the way. Ms. Whitehall and I sank our teeth in a pair of sandwiches in the tea room. The shoppers Delight sandwich, to be exact. Cream cheese, walnuts, watercress and pineapple on whole wheat bread.

[Mr. Sandler]

Mmm.

[Johnny Dollar]

We found the store manager, Sandler, back in his office. He too was eating, but he was on a diet of straight fingernails.

[Mr. Sandler]

Oh, Terrible, terrible, terrible. That's what it is.

[Johnny Dollar]

Now, don't worry, Mr. Sandler. He'll be caught. As a swindler he might have gone on for years, but as a murderer, it won't be long, believe me.

[Mr. Sandler]

What to do, what to do? What to do?

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, I've got several ideas and the first is to get out of your office and start at the top of the store and work my way down.

[Mr. Sandler]

They're already doing that and not a sign of him.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, I once found a mouse in a hayloft, so be not disencouraged. And a pretty little mouse she was. Oh, dear, oh dear.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, please try to relax, Mr. Sandler. Everybody's doing your best.

[Mr. Sandler]

Yes, I'm sure they are. It's just that I. Oh, Hello. Yes, it's Mr. Sander. Oh, no.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Where?

[Mr. Sandler]

How long has he been there? I'll be right down.

[Johnny Dollar]

What's the matter now?

[Mr. Sandler]

About an hour and a half ago, our sore Sandy Claus stepped out into the employees restroom for a smoke. He was slugged from behind. When he came to, he was all tied up in a broom closet and somebody has stolen his Santa Claus suit. They just found him about an hour.

[Johnny Dollar]

And a half ago. Judy, you know what that means.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, no.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh, yes. 45 minutes ago, when little Bobby was giving Santa Claus the murderous description, he was giving it to the murderer himself.

[Mr. Sandler]

Oh, good gracious.

[Johnny Dollar]

Instead of a kid's air rifle, it could have gotten us a revolver size.38.

[Narrator/Announcer]

In just a moment, we will return to the second act of Johnny Dollar. But first, CBS is going to bring you one of the biggest presents you ever received from show business. Tomorrow afternoon, Christmas Day, for a full hour on the entire CBS network, you're going to get all the comedy, all the laughs and one of the greatest Broadway and Hollywood hits of recent years. The man who Came to Dinner. And the man who Came will be played by none other than Jack Benny. Plus Charles Boyer, Gene Kelly, Dorothy McGuire, Gregory Peck and Rosalind Russell. Plus Henry Fonda and John Garfield as narrators. You'll hear them all on CBS's special holiday hour tomorrow afternoon. Jack Benny playing the man who Came to Dinner and Breaking a Leg had to stay on and on and on. Now with our star, Charles Russell, we return to the second act of yours truly, Johnny Dol.

[Johnny Dollar]

There's no place like a crowded department store for a fresh made murderer to be on the loose. Especially one that's playing Santa Claus. For a lot of rosy cheeked little nippers. I headed back to the toy department, but When I got there, the cupboard was bare. Our lethal Saint Nick had decided to give up his red flannel and white whisker hiding place. We found the empty chute in a storeroom tossed high on a stack of baby buggies.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, Johnny, this is terrible. That man's a murderer. What are you gonna do?

[Johnny Dollar]

What am I gonna do? Now listen, Judy, by now there must be 87 cops sifting through this store looking for that guy. They've got two cops on every door. Now all I'm gonna do is help him look. This is one of those everybody's problems.

[Laura Barton]

You're right.

[Judy Whitehall]

I guess I'm just getting excited.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, that's you have a right to do. Come on, let's get out here. I've got an idea.

[Judy Whitehall]

All right, Johnny. Oh, Mr. Dallas. Thank goodness I found you. Mr. Sandler wants you right away. Down on three, an old lady has just been shot in Junior Mrs. Lingerie.

[Johnny Dollar]

Serves a right for not acting a rage. Let's go, Judy.

[Mr. Sandler]

Right over here, $. All right, let him through, please. Let him. Lady, please stand back now. Well, Dollar, Congratulations. Before, this store was only going to sue that company of yours for $1 million. Considering what this shooting will do to our reputation, I'm going to make that 5 million.

[Johnny Dollar]

Now, Mr. Sandler, keep your powder dry. First of all, it's not my company. And second, you can't sue them for something they didn't do. And third, you'd better get this poor old gal to a hospital. How badly is she hurt and how did it happen?

[Mr. Sandler]

The doctor's on his way and we've sent for an ambulance. This woman was lost out on the back stairway looking for the ladies room. That maniac saw her coming toward him and ran down the stairs firing over his shoulder. The bullet just seems to have grazed her left side.

[Johnny Dollar]

Pretty lucky. Where are the police?

[Mr. Sandler]

They're searching all over the store. Darla, what are we going to do? This is terrible for business.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, I suspect that any minute now the cops will be telling you to do something that's going to be even worse for business. Close the store. Well, but.

[Mr. Sandler]

Close the store.

[Johnny Dollar]

Why?

[Mr. Sandler]

We're staying open late tonight. It's the last minute rush.

[Johnny Dollar]

I'm just telling you what I think. I think the cops will double the lookouts on all the doors and make you close the store. Then they can go to work.

[Mr. Sandler]

We lose thousands of dollars. They can't make me close the store.

[Johnny Dollar]

If stay open, you might lose a few more customers the hard way. Where's that doctor?

[Mr. Sandler]

He'll be here any minute.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh, Mr. Sanderson.

[Mr. Sandler]

Yes, what is it?

[Judy Whitehall]

Well, they called up from the sporting goods in the basement. That man has been down there and held them up. And he took four guns and six boxes of ammunition.

[Mr. Sandler]

Six boxes of.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh my.

[Mr. Sandler]

What's this going to do to our store?

[Johnny Dollar]

If you're not careful, it's going to turn your store into the world's largest shooting gallery with live targets. You know what I suggest, Mr. Sandler?

[Judy Whitehall]

What?

[Mr. Sandler]

What? Tell me what?

[Johnny Dollar]

Don't wait for the police to tell you. Closed the store. Sandler didn't like it and neither did the customers. As they filed out of the store past the scrutiny of the police officers still clutching their unfinished Christmas shopping list. The process was slow. And while the customers were leaving, the clerks finished up their business, put the white shrouds over their counters and they too filed out into the early night. The boys in blue watching the doors came up with several men answering the general description of our frame with a loose trigger finger. But none of them had little Bobby's teeth marks on his hands. That made it a 5050 chance that Mr. Killer was still in the building. There's nothing more eerie than a department store after closing and it's white sheets. The whole joint seemed to be playing ghost. I sent Judy over to a steakhouse on Third Avenue. Told her to wait. Then I had Sandler get me a gun from the sporting goods department for that lonely, scared feeling. There's no medicine that quite takes the place of a piece of cool steel in your little hot hand. The sergeant in charge of the police detail posted men outside, all exits. The rest he took up to the roof with them. They were going to run the whole store through their burly blue sieve. Floor by floor, counter by counter, inch by inch. Sandler stayed with me down the first floor. Just for fun, I thought I would start working my way up.

[Mr. Sandler]

Dara, don't you think we should get out of here and leave this to the police?

[Johnny Dollar]

I have several goosebumps that agree with you, Mr. Sandler. But I have a very dangerous habit of trying to earn my money. This is terrible. Now look, every counter and post in this store is just the kind of hiding place a store sniper would pray for it. I get paid for this kind of work. You don't. Now, why don't you go out for a nice safe walk?

[Mr. Sandler]

It was my duty to stay here. I'm sticking with you.

[Johnny Dollar]

Okay, but remember Toolis gave him twice as much to shoot at. No, I had to go and open my big Mouth, get down. Getting down on that floor could have been committing suicide in itself. The killer's bullet had crashed into a showcase. A sea of broken glass is a risky place to practice diving. Having to swim out of it was twice as bad. But that's what I had to do.

[Mr. Sandler]

Oh, Mr. Dollar.

[Johnny Dollar]

Sandler. Keep your head down. Bury your face in that glass, but keep your head down. Yes, Dar.

[Mr. Sandler]

Tell me what to do. Anything but get me out of here. I have a wife and three kids.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, if you'll do what I tell you to do, your wife will go on having a husband and your kids will still have a father.

[Mr. Sandler]

Yes, yes.

[Johnny Dollar]

Just. I don't know exactly where that shot came from, but from the looks of this glass, it must have been from behind us. Now, I'm gonna leave you and crawl over near those elevators. While I'm on my way, you rattle around in this glass. Let him hear where you are. Give me about two minutes, and then do something that draws fire.

[Mr. Sandler]

What'll I do?

[Johnny Dollar]

Do anything but one thing. Don't stand up, don't listen. I'll think of something better, but don't take any chances.

[Mr. Sandler]

No, no, but what are you going to do?

[Johnny Dollar]

Take some chances. Once I was on my way, Sandler went to work with a vengeance. I could hear him thrashing around in that glass like he was trying to corner the Band Aid mark. I made it over the elevators, scooting flat along the floor till I hit a car with an open door and slithered inside behind the protection of the elevator's front wall. I stood up, appeared over at the edge of the door, and waited for Santa to make the move that would draw the murderer's fire. I must say, Santa was dead game. And the way he made his move, he also stood a good chance of becoming plain dead. First, he stopped wiggling around on his bed of glass, and then he just stood straight up. The shot missed, but my eyesight didn't. The killer was shooting from high up behind a pole. He was standing up on a glass showcase, hoping for a better view. And it didn't take me long to decide to give him a better view of the inside of that glass showcase. I started deliberately shooting his foothold out from under him. He was bleeding beautifully. When I started to run straight for the back of the store, firing as he rang as one last souvenir, he threw his empty gun over his shoulder at me. People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw guns. I decided to join the track team and won. On the chase back out of the main floor, through the employees entrance, out to the dimly lit shipping department and its loading dock filled with packages ready for shipment. I could hear him moving around among them. Okay, get your hands up and come out. I'm giving you a chance, but it's not going to last long. Get moving. I don't need your chance.

[Mr. Sandler]

I've got something better.

[Johnny Dollar]

Okay, so you want to play? I think I'll give you a couple of yuletide presents early. And I'm sure nobody will mind if I open your head. Before Christmas. My hot headed was hiding behind a high pile of wooden boxes ready for shipping. I grabbed a heavy empty dolly, gave it a flying start, sent it crashing into the bottom box of the pile.

[Mr. Sandler]

It was beautiful.

[Johnny Dollar]

The biggest crash since 29. It was a tough fight, but mom, I don't think I won. At best it was a draw. About the 15th time I belted him, he belted me right back. Then he got his hands on a hammer, laid it across the side of my head. I got the hammer, did the same for him and made a hole in one. He fell squarely into a man sized packing case lying at the foot of the packing. Ben, I was getting weak, dizzy. I had to hold him. One thing to do, tap a case lying right there. Already nails partway in. Put it on right, right over him. Nail it on. Good, tight, good tight, good tight. Everything is coming black. Then everything went white. Hey, Corny as this may sound, where am I?

[Judy Whitehall]

You're in the hospital, Johnny. Dolly.

[Laura Barton]

But don't worry, it's only a slight concussion.

[Judy Whitehall]

They brought you here last night.

[Johnny Dollar]

I suppose I have a hammer shaped hole in my head.

[Judy Whitehall]

No, no, darling, it hardly shows.

[Johnny Dollar]

How could it? These bandages covering it up. Well, at least I got him.

[Judy Whitehall]

You what, dear?

[Johnny Dollar]

I got him. The killer.

[Judy Whitehall]

Oh no, dear, you couldn't have. They're still looking for him.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh no. Oh my gosh. What time is it?

[Judy Whitehall]

11 in the morning.

[Johnny Dollar]

I gotta get out of here.

[Judy Whitehall]

Why Johnny. Johnny, please. Johnny, you're not supposed to get up. Oh, nurse. Nurse.

[Johnny Dollar]

If they let him get away after all my trouble, somebody was going to need a doctor. Judy and I hit the department store in 12 minutes flat. One minute later I was in the shipping department talking to the head man.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Now, now, Mr. Dollar, just calm down. Everything's gonna be all right. Now, exactly what is it you want to know?

[Johnny Dollar]

That big packing case, the one that was lying right here in front of the bench last night. Where is it? Oh, the great big one. Yes, the great big one.

[Narrator/Announcer]

The one about 8ft long and 3ft wide?

[Johnny Dollar]

Yes, the one about 8ft long and 3ft wide.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, there was something very peculiar about that case.

[Johnny Dollar]

You're telling me. Where is it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, this morning we came to work.

[Johnny Dollar]

The boys saw it all packed up.

[Narrator/Announcer]

So they put it on the truck.

[Johnny Dollar]

For Upper New York State. Oh, no.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Oh, indeed they did.

[Johnny Dollar]

But what was peculiar about it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

Even though they found it all ready to go later on, they found all the merchandise that was supposed to go in it lying around loose. It had never really been packed.

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, then, quick. The least you can do is tell me where it went.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Well, now that I can do. That box was the boss's big annual charity shipment of goods. That particular box is on its way to some of the unfortunates who will.

[Johnny Dollar]

Be spending this Christmas away from home. All right, so where is it?

[Narrator/Announcer]

By now it should be at the New York State Prison, up in arsenic.

[Johnny Dollar]

Expense accounts, item 5, $12.80 dinner check at Pietro's, where I had asked Ms. Judy Whitehall to wait for me the night before and where I inadvertently stood her up. Although how a gal can stand up after eating $12.80 worth of food. More than I could figure out. Let's see. Express account item 6. $10 medical supplies for those poor CBS sound men, Vern Surrey and Billy Gould, who had to break all that glass during the show. Expense account, total $511.50. You may think this amount is a little high, but isn't everybody at this time of the year has signed yours truly, Johnny Doll.

[Nero Wolfe]

Foreign.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Directed by Gordon, stars Charles Russell, script by Paul Dudley and Gil Dowd. Featured in the cast were Jay Novello, Georgia Ellis, Marlene Ames, Parley Bear, Paul Duboff and Connie Crowder. The special music is written and conducted by Leith Stevens. Your announcer is Bob Stevenson. Be sure to be with us at the same time next week when another unusual expense account is handed in by.

[Johnny Dollar]

Yours truly, Johnny Doll.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Those two pleasant gentlemen of music, Juan Monroe and Gene Autry, will be around with special Christmas music tonight on cbs. On his caravan, Vaughn will feature a medley of Christmas carols. And you'll hear the maestro and his band featuring Vaughn's new song success, the jolly old man in the bright red suit. Gene Autry will bring you Christmas music and the Christmas Eve story, Western style. Be sure to hear these two Saturday night CBS stars, Vaughn Monroe and Gene Autry on most of these same CBS stations. Now stay tuned for Vaughn Monroe's Caravan, which follows on most of these same stations. This is cbs, where yours truly, Johnny Dollar, meets Adventure every Saturday Night, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

[Archie Goodwin]

Ladies and gentlemen, the ringing of that phone bell means mystery adv. Nero Wolf's office, Archie Goodwin speaking. Yes, yes, I know that in 48 hours it's going to be Christmas, but who is this? Who? Look, I'm a big boy now, so. Okay, tonight at 8. Goodbye.

[Nero Wolfe]

What the devil was that?

[Archie Goodwin]

This may come as a shock to you Mr. Wolf, but that was Santa Claus.

[Nero Wolfe]

You've been drinking.

[Archie Goodwin]

Uh huh, the usual. Mil. He's coming to see you at 8. He's got a problem. Indeed. It seems that some low, not to mention murderous character is going around slaughtering Santa Clauses. Ladies and gentlemen, it's the bulkiest, bulkiest, smartest and most unpredictable detective in the world. That chairborne genius, Nero Wolf. Created by Rex Dodd and brought to you in a new series of adventures over this NBC network in the person of Mr. Sydney Greenstreet. It began earlier than eight, however, the Case of the Slaughtered Santas. It began to be precise. On the corner of 34th street and Carlisle. The hour was close to six, the weather cold, the sky dark.

[Nero Wolfe]

How you doing, Santa?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I'm freezing to death.

[Nero Wolfe]

Harvest, it's a cold day.

[Archie Goodwin]

We packing up?

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah, I guess so.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Not many people around anymore.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, heading for home and dinner.

[Johnny Dollar]

How was the collection?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Well, I don't need no armored car, but a few dozen kids are gonna have something for their Christmas stockings. Your competition.

[Nero Wolfe]

The guy in the opposite corner's already scrammy.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Probably got low blood pressure.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Give me a hand to get the collection part off the chains, eh?

[Nero Wolfe]

Sure. There you go.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, thanks.

[Archie Goodwin]

I'll just walk you down the block.

[Nero Wolfe]

Gotta phone in. Okay, fine. One Santa still left. Wonder what he's waiting for.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Santa Claus.

[Nero Wolfe]

Well, watch yourself going down those chimneys tonight. Sure, sure.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Well, I'll cut across the avenue here.

[Nero Wolfe]

Be seeing you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hey, that car coming down the street.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Got its lights out.

[Archie Goodwin]

Look.

[Johnny Dollar]

Hey Peg.

[Archie Goodwin]

Huh? Ever tell you I love you?

[Laura Barton]

Ah, it's not me you love, it's a hot soup.

[Archie Goodwin]

And you're not the only woman who can cook a dish of soup, huh?

[Johnny Dollar]

It helps. So I'm just beginning to thaw out. Yeah, that's a cold corner you place Santa Claus on. Well, don't hurt to make a few bucks.

[Archie Goodwin]

I ain't done so good this past year.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Well, maybe the next year I'll be.

[Johnny Dollar]

Oh, well, besides, I kind of like it. You know, kids asking questions all day long. Yeah. You know, I wonder how they figure.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

The other two Santas at the intersection.

[Johnny Dollar]

Our kids think of only one thing at a Time. Moises Sherpa. You know, one of them other Santas.

[Archie Goodwin]

Got hit by a car tonight.

[Johnny Dollar]

Packed up a few minutes before I did, started crossing the avenue and bang. You know, hit and run driver.

[Laura Barton]

Oh, gosh, that's too bad. Was he hurt?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, he's killed.

[Laura Barton]

Here's your soup.

[Johnny Dollar]

With traffic the way it is nowadays. Well, I better take a look at the stool.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Somebody at the door.

[Nero Wolfe]

I'll get it pegged.

[Archie Goodwin]

Okay.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yeah.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mike. The Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

I've been thinking.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good heavens.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, I admit it won't bring about a national emergency, but, Mr. Wolf, Christmas is only a couple of days away.

[Nero Wolfe]

If you're hinting about your present.

[Archie Goodwin]

No, no, no. I was just imagining you behind a team of reindeer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your imagination is morbid.

[Archie Goodwin]

You'd make a wonderful Santa Claus. You got the perfect build for it. As for character.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

Can you picture me scrambling down a chimney?

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, I might have to build bigger chimney, but there's that too.

[Nero Wolfe]

However, that is the front door.

[Archie Goodwin]

True.

[Nero Wolfe]

I was thinking you might see who it is.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, if nobody's been lying to me on the phone, that'll be Santa Claus. Maybe me, but I haven't decided what I want for Christmas yet, Mr. Wolf. For example, should she be blonde or brunette? Tall or short? On my way. Good evening.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I dislike dawdling on anyone's doorstep.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, stop dawdling. Come in, please.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Mr. Wolfe has been warned of my arrival.

[Archie Goodwin]

He has, through him. Mr. Wolfe, this is Santa Claus.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

My name is Barton, John Barton.

[Nero Wolfe]

How do you do, sir?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I have no time for the social graces, Mr. Wolfe. I'm about to be murdered.

[Nero Wolfe]

Hardly in my house. I have objections.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I'm a frightened man, Mr. Wolfe.

[Archie Goodwin]

This.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

This costume you see me in is responsible for it all.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why are you in it?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I had a notion it might be, well, entertaining to play Santa Claus in public. I'm a wealthy man, sir. I can afford to have whims. Therefore, I have assumed. This masquerade, however, it apparently is going to be the death of me.

[Nero Wolfe]

Mr. Barton, you have adequately conveyed an atmosphere and an emotion. I suggest you concentrate on facts.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Very well. I have been acting as Santa Claus for the tuberculosis fund. My station is the corner of 34th street and Carlisle Avenue. I might add the northeast corner.

[Nero Wolfe]

Why?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Because at that intersection there have been two other Santa Clauses. One on the southeast corner and one on the southwest corner.

[Nero Wolfe]

Three Santa Clauses then. On three corners, yes.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Now, then, earlier tonight, the man on the southwest corner started home. He was crossing the avenue when he was run down and killed by an automobile.

[Nero Wolfe]

A regrettable accident.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

The car was running without lights. It deliberately ran the fellow down and then vanished. Not an accident, Mr. Wolfe.

[Nero Wolfe]

You saw this yourself?

[Archie Goodwin]

I did.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

One Santa Claus death. The man on the southeast corner got home all right. According to the radio news flash, that's where he was killed by bullets.

[Nero Wolfe]

Coincident?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Possibly, but I wouldn't want to risk my life on the chance.

[Nero Wolfe]

This is Friday night. In the nature of things, you would have made two more appearances. Very well, Mr. Barton, I'll write you.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

A check as a retainer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Then hurry along home.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I'm late now.

[Johnny Dollar]

No, I beg your pardon.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will neither hurry home nor notify anyone at your home of your whereabouts. But you remain here until such time as I think it's safe for you to leave. The house is well guarded.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I can't do that.

[Nero Wolfe]

In which case, I cannot accept you as a client.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I fail to understand, Mr. Barton.

[Nero Wolfe]

It is very easy to murder someone. Avoiding the consequences of such an action is something else again. However, I'm assuming that you're not primarily interested in what happens to your murderer after you're dead.

[Archie Goodwin]

Of course not.

[Nero Wolfe]

Therefore, you remain here. Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yep.

[Nero Wolfe]

First, the corner of 34th and Carlisle. A complete report.

[Mr. Sandler]

What?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

That's nonsense. The corner will be deserted Now, Mr.

[Nero Wolfe]

Barton, you're hiring my intelligence. You therefore permit me to use it as I see fit. A complete report, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Right, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

You will then visit Inspector Crane at headquarters. You will, in whatever manner you find effective, collect all the police information about the two already murdered Santas.

[Archie Goodwin]

Fine. The manner I think will be applying a blowtorch to the inspector's toes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your levity is ill timed.

[Archie Goodwin]

The inspector is likely to throw me out of my ear. Your problem, my ear.

[Nero Wolfe]

And on your way home, you might stop in at Mr. Barton's place. I don't see any purpose in that. Mr. Barton, there is a basic problem to which we must find an answer. Whether those two men were murdered because they were Santa Clauses or because their deaths were merely preliminaries to yours. Archie, I suggest haste.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir.

[Nero Wolfe]

And avoid blondes. I would like you to be home in time for Christmas. Hey, punk.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah?

[Nero Wolfe]

At the price of a cup of coffee.

[Archie Goodwin]

You sure you mean coffee?

[Nero Wolfe]

Idiot gonna dig it up?

[Archie Goodwin]

He ain't.

[Johnny Dollar]

Remind the questions about my personal affairs, see?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, I apologize. Here. Two bits. Thanks. You're welcome.

[Nero Wolfe]

Don't let me keep you.

[Archie Goodwin]

You're not 34th in Carlisle, huh? During the day filled with milling throngs. That's a nice phrase. I'll have to remember it Milling throngs. And now desolate and deserted. Well, that's life.

[Johnny Dollar]

Is that a fact?

[Archie Goodwin]

That's philosophy. Yeah, but two bits.

[Johnny Dollar]

I don't have to listen to no philosopher, see.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good night, fun.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, the inspector's got company.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

If all you reporters will shut up and ask your questions one by one, I'll answer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer, it's true a couple of Santa Clauses have been knocked off tonight.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

It's true that two men who have been employed as Santa Claus by charitable organizations have been murdered.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Any connection between those two guys or.

[Archie Goodwin]

Does somebody just hate Santa Claus?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

So far as we know there is no connection. That means it could be maybe some kind of maniac who decided he doesn't like Christmas or Santa Claus.

[Archie Goodwin]

Is that right?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

The department is investigating along those lines.

[Archie Goodwin]

Like how?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Well, we're checking all the local asylums for possible escape.

[Archie Goodwin]

Lunatics.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, but Inspector, suppose this nut has.

[Archie Goodwin]

Never been in an asylum.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

That'll be all, boys. I said that'll be all. Now anything new comes in, you'll get it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Understand?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

A good one.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hello, Inspector.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I spotted you coming in. What happened? You decided to reform and got a job on a paper?

[Archie Goodwin]

Nope, I'm a public spirited citizen, that's all.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Yeah, I could add a few things to that description with practically no strain at all.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolfe and I are very sentimental about Christmas. We object to Santa Claus's being killed.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Nuts.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, Inspector, aren't you in favor of Christmas?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

I'm in favor of Christmas. I'm in favor of motherhood. I'm in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Leave motherhood out of this. Neither of us are mothers. Our chances of becoming mothers aren't too good either. And furthermore.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Okay, okay, you're not given, sir, so.

[Archie Goodwin]

Get out of here. Thank you, Inspector.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

But Goodwin, in case Wolf decides to send me something for Christmas, you know what I wish he'd send me?

[Archie Goodwin]

What? Your head. Well. Oh, now I know what I want for Christmas.

[Laura Barton]

What did you say?

[Archie Goodwin]

I said my name is Goodwin and it's cold on your doorstep.

[Laura Barton]

Oh, I'm sorry. Come in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mm. You didn't mention your name.

[Laura Barton]

I'm Laura Barton.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mrs. Laura Barton?

[Laura Barton]

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

Fine that is. What relation are you to John Barton?

[Laura Barton]

His niece. Why do you ask?

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, you've got a beautiful voice. All this marble and no butler.

[Laura Barton]

I don't know where Pleasant is. He should be here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Have him shot at sunrise. Oh, Laura.

[Laura Barton]

Wayne, this is Mr. Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

Never heard of him. What does he want?

[Laura Barton]

Well, I don't know.

[Archie Goodwin]

Wayne. What? Stevens, huh? Friend of Mr. Barton, half brother. But we seem to be doing all the answering. How about you're answering some questions, Goodwin. I'll try. Come into the library. What do you want for Christmas? Erase that. I would like to see Mr. Barton. He's not home. Where is he? Don't you know? I wouldn't have come here asking for him if I did, would I? I suppose that's true. What did you want with him? Conversation about anything. You see, I like to talk to rich men. Are you rich? I can't play the piano either. You could always learn. But being rich is harder.

[Laura Barton]

I found Mr. Mr. Goodwin. You must have some reason for coming here. Some reason? Concerning Uncle.

[Archie Goodwin]

Laura, you're being imaginative.

[Laura Barton]

Well, uncle is lame.

[Archie Goodwin]

He's probably still on that street corner playing Santa Claus. He enjoys it. Why bother about what?

[Laura Barton]

No.

[Archie Goodwin]

Except he's never been as late as this. Well, no, not since he started that masquerade of his. Would you happen to know where the butler is? Out getting drunk, I suspect. He was in the kitchen a little while ago. Disappeared. Pleasant. Likes to look on the wine when it's red or even when it's rye. No, I take that back. Oh, you do? He prefers Irish whiskey. We don't stock it, therefore. Too bad. I better run along. Good night, Mr. Stevens, Ms. Martin. Good night.

[Laura Barton]

I'll see you out.

[Archie Goodwin]

Prettiest butler I ever saw.

[Nero Wolfe]

Blond.

[Archie Goodwin]

Now, old Dr. Tidmouse always said, Beware of blondes because.

[Laura Barton]

Mr. Goodwin, I. Sal, I'm waiting. Well, I. Mr. Goodwin, you must know something about Uncle. Something you didn't want to tell us.

[Archie Goodwin]

Makes you think so.

[Laura Barton]

Well, otherwise your visit was just pointless.

[Archie Goodwin]

Let's suppose I know I might be a kidnapper. Oh, no, my honest brown eyes.

[Laura Barton]

Your first name is Archie, isn't it?

[Archie Goodwin]

Archie. Archie Goodwin. Hmm. Goes together nicely, don't you think?

[Laura Barton]

You work for Nero Wolf. You're going back to him now.

[Archie Goodwin]

I might be. But then again, I might be going to the movies.

[Laura Barton]

I recognized you. Your pictures have been in the papers. Take me with you to see Mr. Wolf. You can trust me.

[Archie Goodwin]

I never trust Blunt.

[Laura Barton]

That's unfair.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, no, I don't trust Burnettes either. Furthermore, I'm not sure Mr. Wolf would want to see you. So I keep you.

[Laura Barton]

So.

[Archie Goodwin]

So why don't you trail me home? H.

[Nero Wolfe]

Is that you, Archie?

[Archie Goodwin]

Archie. Where's Santa Claus?

[Nero Wolfe]

Guest room. He was tired. What?

[Archie Goodwin]

I've been trailed home. Me, by a blonde pho. All right, I admit I didn't make any strenuous effort to shake her off.

[Nero Wolfe]

Where is she?

[Archie Goodwin]

Outside.

[Nero Wolfe]

Good, you're a poet.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, but she Might freeze to death out there.

[Nero Wolfe]

That's her problem. You're a port, aren't you?

[Archie Goodwin]

It's short and simple.

[Nero Wolfe]

It would be simple.

[Archie Goodwin]

I haven't got time to resent that a blonde is dying. As for the report, corner of 34th and Carlisle is a very quiet spot at night. No one was around, but Obama got into me for a quarter for coffee.

[Nero Wolfe]

He said, you will not put that quarter on the expense account.

[Archie Goodwin]

Stop worrying. That was a private gesture. There were four corners. Corner number one had a dress shop on it. Corner number two, a drugstore with a beautiful redhead in the window making with a hair rinse. The ad said her name was Noreen, but it didn't give her phone number.

[Nero Wolfe]

Ah, tea.

[Archie Goodwin]

Third corner was devoted to a shoe store and the fourth corner had a bank on it. A bank? Mm. Kind of thought we'd have a pause at that point. Mean something?

[Nero Wolfe]

Inspector Kramer's information consisted of.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, you're being Coyote. Kramer furnished the information. The police could find no connection between the two murdered Santas except for the.

[Nero Wolfe]

Fact that they were both playing Santa Claus.

[Archie Goodwin]

Isn't that a little on the obvious side?

[Nero Wolfe]

This is an obvious case. The Barton home, aren't you?

[Archie Goodwin]

Marble and old lace? A butler, his name is Pleasant, was among those missing. Among those present, Laura Barton, the old man's niece, and Wayne Stevens, his half brother. Ah, yeah. Only for Laura Stevens was not at all pretty.

[Nero Wolfe]

It was Laura Burton who followed you here.

[Archie Goodwin]

It was Laura.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, go upstairs.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, now wait a minute. The girl, the weather. Common humanity demands that you have Louis.

[Nero Wolfe]

You speak for yourself, not humanity. I'm human on occasion, at a beatable point. Very well. Let her in.

[Archie Goodwin]

Oh, thanks, Laura. Come in. Laura Barton, Mr. Wolf.

[Laura Barton]

How do you do?

[Nero Wolfe]

How much money do you inherit on the death of your uncle?

[Laura Barton]

What?

[Nero Wolfe]

That is known as the shock treatment. However, I need an answer.

[Laura Barton]

Uncle isn't dead, is he?

[Nero Wolfe]

That, for the moment, is irrelevant. How much?

[Laura Barton]

Half his estate. The other half, Wayne, Uncle's half brother.

[Nero Wolfe]

Very well. Archie, will you go upstairs and inform Mr. Barton that his niece is here?

[Laura Barton]

Uncle is here.

[Archie Goodwin]

On my way.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Yes, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Martin, come in. Mr. Wolfe would like you to come downstairs. I suppose he has a reason. Mm, a blond reason. Your niece. My niece? That's right.

[Johnny Dollar]

She.

[Archie Goodwin]

Where'd you get that?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

A man of my wealth finds it safer to carry a revolver.

[Archie Goodwin]

But it's not safe to point it at people. Especially for the people.

[Nero Wolfe]

Turn around, Goodwin.

[Archie Goodwin]

But Mr. Barton, we're protecting you.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

By letting that girl into the house? If I had the Time.

[Archie Goodwin]

I'd be amused.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

As it is.

[Nero Wolfe]

You be drunk. Good heaven.

[Archie Goodwin]

Huh? Santa Claus came early.

[Nero Wolfe]

Your head.

[Archie Goodwin]

Which one are you referring to? My own or the one Santa gave me?

[Nero Wolfe]

You had better sit.

[Archie Goodwin]

No, no. I had enough trouble getting up a little while ago. I'm staying out of any positions in which I might have to do that again. Mr. Barton is among the missing.

[Nero Wolfe]

Indeed?

[Archie Goodwin]

Mm. Hit me on the head and used the back exit. I checked with Fritz in the kitchen. The way here.

[Nero Wolfe]

You have a reason for his peculiar behavior, Laura Barton?

[Laura Barton]

So I. I don't understand. Uncle wouldn't do.

[Nero Wolfe]

Uncle apparently has. He also would appear fancies himself in costume.

[Laura Barton]

He used to be very much interested in the stage he acted for a while a long time ago. Till the family objected.

[Archie Goodwin]

RG Got it. Vera Wolf's office. Archie Goodwin speaking.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

You recite very nicely. Goodwin. This is Kramer. Let me have wolf, huh?

[Archie Goodwin]

Mr. Wolf. Inspector Kramer.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Inspector.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

The papers haven't been carrying it, Wolf.

[Archie Goodwin]

But.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

But you're working on the Santa Claus case, aren't you?

[Archie Goodwin]

Possibility.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

You didn't send Goodwin down to headquarters on a possibility? Never mind. We're working on a line down here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Wolf.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Now look, if it doesn't strain your professional ethics, you might be able to help.

[Johnny Dollar]

How?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

There's a bank on the corner 34th street in Carlisle. We got the thought that suppose a gang was preparing to take that bank tomorrow morning. Those Santa Clauses have been on the corner for nearly a week now. They might have noticed something about the bank's routine. Gods or what have you that could interfere with the gang's plan.

[Nero Wolfe]

A mighty ingenious and imaginative thought, Inspector.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

You didn't say yes or no.

[Nero Wolfe]

I have at the moment no opinion.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

That's all you're going to give us at the moment.

[Nero Wolfe]

However, Inspector, in a very little while I shall give you the murderer. Archie. Ms. Parton will remain here. As for you.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah.

[Nero Wolfe]

You return to 34th street and find our coffee loving friend. You will persuade him in whatever manner you think best. To return here with you, huh?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

You know, I think it's possible you may be able to put that quarter on the expense account after all.

[Archie Goodwin]

You what?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Oh, why, I seen you before.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. I've learned to love the neighborhood. That's why it's going to break my heart. What is? Leaving it with you with sensitive about having guns pulled on me tonight. Not until I knew. That gun looks in a lot better shape than you do. You're coming with me. Where? Mr. Wolf would like to see you.

[Nero Wolfe]

Nero Wolf?

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah. Well, why he's trying to salvage a quarter, Complete with. He wouldn't give his name. He did have a gun to it, though. This one? Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

Archie, you know Ms. Barton, of course.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hi.

[Nero Wolfe]

And Mr. Stevens. He joined us a moment ago. Ms. Barton. Thought she'd be happy if he were here.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hello, Stevens. That's not the only reason I came. My brother is still missing. I'm concerned.

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, you, sir. Will you sit down? Watching people stand makes me uncomfortable. I don't have to. You do. Archie is stronger than you are. All right, that's better.

[Archie Goodwin]

If you don't mind, Mr. Wolf, I've never been here before, never met you, but you look as though you could handle things. I think my brother's been kidnapped.

[Nero Wolfe]

Possibility we shall have to consider. Ms. Barton, perhaps you have a theory, too.

[Laura Barton]

I don't know. Uncle's been behaving strangely for weeks now.

[Nero Wolfe]

What way?

[Laura Barton]

I'm not sure. Wayne.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, of course, John's always been a little peculiar. But I'm afraid I saw nothing especially strange. Outside of this Santa Claus stunt, of course.

[Nero Wolfe]

I see.

[Archie Goodwin]

Miss.

[Nero Wolfe]

Pardon? Your uncle played Santa Claus all week on one of the corners of 34th street in Carlisle.

[Laura Barton]

I know.

[Nero Wolfe]

On two other corners, two other men indulged in the same activity. Those two other men are now dead.

[Archie Goodwin]

Wait, Mr. Wolf. You mean they were killed by mistake?

[Nero Wolfe]

For Barton, it is true that one man made up of Santa Claus looks very much like any other man's. A Millie costume. But the answer is no. One of the two men was shot in his home after he had removed his costume.

[Archie Goodwin]

Within what connection?

[Nero Wolfe]

Ms. Barton, in the event that you wanted to hide a tree, where would you hide it?

[Laura Barton]

Hide a tree? Why, I wouldn't even begin to know.

[Nero Wolfe]

You were very clever. You would hide it in a forest. If you wanted to hide a murder and were very clever, you'd adopt the same principle.

[Laura Barton]

Wait. You mean that if someone wanted to kill uncle and didn't want to be.

[Nero Wolfe]

Suspected, he'd go about murdering several people with an ostensible, if lunatic, reason? He would, let us say, go about killing Santa Clauses.

[Archie Goodwin]

I get it. Then people would think the man he really wanted dead for a special and private reason, had been killed for something that didn't point to him?

[Nero Wolfe]

True. That was why two Santa Clauses were murdered tonight. The third Santa Claus, however, the real object of the murderer's attention was lucky or suspicious. He fled. Ah. Do I have to hang around here.

[Johnny Dollar]

And listen to all this?

[Nero Wolfe]

You do, my unwashed friend, Mr. Barton fled and the murderer was in a quandary he had, so to speak, invested in two murders merely to make the third one confusing. But he found himself unable to commit that third murder. He couldn't find his victim. Could he ask the police to do so? Hardly. But he might try to inveigle a private detective such as myself into the job.

[Archie Goodwin]

That makes sense, Mr. Wolf. But why would my brother have deliberately fled from your house? I mean, he was protected here, so. But do I make myself clear?

[Nero Wolfe]

Very clear, Mr. Stevens. That gun you took from the dirty gentleman, you still have it?

[Archie Goodwin]

I still have it.

[Nero Wolfe]

Then would you mind pointing it to Mr. Stevens here until the police remove him?

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

All right. Come along, Stevens.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, that's the end of Mr. Stevens. Inspector Kramer will take good care of him from now on. But now, Mr. Wolf, Laura and me and the refugee from a washcloth over here would still like to know how and why and who was involved.

[Nero Wolfe]

I knew two people had a motive for John Barton's death. Laura Barton and Wayne Stevens. One of them proceeded to kill Santa Clauses in the hope that the police would assume those killings to be the work of a lunatic.

[Archie Goodwin]

The paper certainly hopped on that assumption. Yes.

[Nero Wolfe]

However, John Barton, aware that his life was in danger, escaped his murderer and.

[Archie Goodwin]

Hid in this house.

[Nero Wolfe]

No. A man in Santa Claus costume came here and said he was Barton. However, he was an obvious imposter. He proved that by his flight when his niece came here.

[Laura Barton]

You mean he could fool you? But he knew he wouldn't be able to fool me, so.

[Nero Wolfe]

Precisely, therefore, was not Barton. Who was it? Who else had disappeared at the propitious moment?

[Archie Goodwin]

The butler, Pleasant.

[Nero Wolfe]

True, I distrust coincidence. Stevens needed an accomplice, hence he sent Pleasant here.

[Archie Goodwin]

And Pleasant would give you a song and dance about Barton's danger and then scram. You'd start investigating, discover Barton was missing, try to find him and lead Stevens to his victim. Huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

I frustrated that part of the plan by insisting on Pleasant's remaining here, which he did until.

[Archie Goodwin]

That part of. It's fine. But how did you choose between Laura and Stevens?

[Nero Wolfe]

It was Stevens who knew without being told that Barton had been in his house and had fled from it.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yeah, yeah. You yourself mentioned that Stevens had only been here a moment. So you hadn't told him.

[Nero Wolfe]

Obviously, the butler phoned him as soon as he had hit you over the head and escaped. Furthermore, the butler, masquerading as Barton, had attempted to throw suspicion on Ms. Barton. That convinced me of our innocence.

[Archie Goodwin]

Well, you've done it again, Mr. Wolf. Except for one minor detail.

[Nero Wolfe]

You are not very successful, as I any Archie, what minor detail.

[Archie Goodwin]

Where is Barton in this house, huh? When did that happen?

[Nero Wolfe]

You arrived home with the gentleman sitting.

[Archie Goodwin]

Near you, the bum. Wait, wait a minute. This I ought to be able to figure out myself. Laura said Barton used to be an actor. That's item one, huh?

[Nero Wolfe]

Yes, Archie.

[Archie Goodwin]

Also, why is a supposed tramp hanging around a deserted intersection for handouts? The answer is he wasn't. He was keeping an eye out for trouble he knew was after him. Oh, so it turns out I gave a quarter to a millionaire Uncle.

[Laura Barton]

Your uncle, that is.

[Nero Wolfe]

I know, my dear.

[Johnny Dollar]

Yes, I'm Uncle. I did rather decent job, didn't I? No one recognized me.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Except of course you, Mr. Wolf.

[Nero Wolfe]

Not recognition, Mr. Barton. Logic. Archie, open some beer for us.

[Archie Goodwin]

Yes, sir. Logic, eh?

[Johnny Dollar]

Well, whatever it was, Mr. Wolf, I.

[Archie Goodwin]

Owe you a good deal.

[Johnny Dollar]

How can I ever repay you?

[Nero Wolfe]

Oddly enough, the answer is simplicity itself. Make out a ch.

[Archie Goodwin]

You have been listening to the new Adventures of Nero Wolf starring Sydney Greenstreet. Tonight's transcribed story was based on the characters created by Rex Stout. This is an Edwin Fadiman program produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Larry Dobkin as Archie Goodwin and Howard McNear, Grace Lenard, Vic Rodman, Herbert Butterfield, Bill Johnstone, Gene Bates and Bob Bruce. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the bashful body. Don Stanley speaking. Three chimes mean good times on NBC. It.

[Narrator/Announcer]

Now here is our star, Vincent Price.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Ladies and gentlemen, in a prejudice filled.

[Johnny Dollar]

America, no one would be secure in his job, his business, his church or his home.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Yet racial and religious antagonisms are exploited daily by quacks and and adventurers whose followers make up the irresponsible lunatic fringe.

[Johnny Dollar]

Of American life refuse to listen to.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Or spread rumors against any race or religion.

[Nero Wolfe]

Help to stamp out prejudice in our country.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

Let's judge our neighbors by the character.

[Johnny Dollar]

Of their lives alone and not on.

[John Barton (Santa Claus)]

The basis of their religion or origin.