← Down These Mean Streets (Old Time Radio Detectives)
Down These Mean Streets (Old Time Radio Detectives)
Episode 609 - Sleuthing for the Season (Suspense, Damon Runyon Theatre, & Let George Do It)
01:36:09
We're decking the halls and looking for clues with three holiday-themed old time radio mysteries. Peter Lorre plans the perfect crime, but he may be undone by a surprise gift from his victim in "Back for Christmas" from Suspense (originally aired on...
Loading summary
Transcript1 lines
- [00:00]
Narrator
Get this and get it straight. Crime is a sucker's road and those who travel it wind up in the gut of the prison of the grave. The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. The Adventures of Sam Spade Detective the Adventures of the Saint, starring Vincent Price. Bob Bailey in the exciting adventures of the man with the action packed expense account, America's fabulous freelance insurance investigator. Yours truly, Johnny Dollar. Hello and welcome to down these Mean Streets with more old time radio detectives and crime fight. As hard as it may be to believe, Christmas is only a few days away. And around here I like to celebrate with an annual showcase of holiday themed mysteries from the golden age of radio. So whether you're wrapping gifts or still finishing up your shopping, hopefully these stories will keep you company and provide some holiday cheer, albeit holiday cheer infused with a little murder and mayhem. First up is a tale well calculated to keep you in suspense and one of my favorite episodes from radio's outstanding theater of thrills. It comes from the pen of John Collier and it stars the great Peter Lorre. Originally aired on CBS on December 23, 1943. It's back for Christmas. Mr. Laurie plays a long suffering husband who concocts a plan to get rid of his demanding wife. But a surprise gift that his wife leaves behind may undo his perfect crime. Then we'll hear a story from the Damon Runyon Theater, a syndicated holiday tale called Dancing Dan's Christmas. John Brown, a versatile radio actor who may be best known as Digby Odell from the Life of Riley, stars as our narrator, Broadway. And he relates the tale of the titular Dancing Dan and how a prank he played almost landed him in the crosshairs of the mob on Christmas. And we'll close with Bob Bailey as George Valentine in Christmas in January from Let George Do It. This one originally aired on Mutual on January 29, 1951, over a month after Christmas, but it's still a seasonal story. George and his Girl Friday Brooksie encounter an unusual character, a man in a Santa Claus suit who gets generous gifts the whole year round from some very prominent people. But the recipient of these gifts is far from loved. In fact, someone might be trying to murder him. So now grab some Christmas cookies, maybe some eggnog, and enjoy three holiday mysteries from the golden age of radio. We'll kick things off with Peter Laurie in suspense right after these messages. Hey, Hap. Hello, Santa. Why, it's Wilcox. Now, what are you doing in that costume, Harlow? Going to a Christmas party, Hap. Oh, what's in the sack. Why a load of merry motoring in this box I've got smoother performance. You see. Ignition engineered Auto Light spark plug. Sure. And when you replace worn out spark plugs with these new Bantam beauties, your car will perform smoother than Santa skidding down a slippery chimney. And what's in this box, Arlo? Fast starts, Hap. These are Ignition engineered Auto Light spark plugs too? You bet. They're unmatched for quick starts because they're designed by the same Autolite engineers who designed the coil, distributor and all the other important parts of the complete ignition system for many leading makes of our finest cars. That's why Ignition engineered Autolite spark plugs work as a team with your car's ignition system. And that's why they're world famous for quality and dependability. And I suppose you're giving gas savings in the third box, eh, Harlow? You guessed it, Hap. So, friends, have your Auto Light spark plug dealer replace worn out spark plugs with Ignition engineered Auto Light spark plugs. Choose either the standard or resistor type. And remember, you're always right with Autolite. And while I fix us both of you tied Torrey, suppose you tell our friends and listeners about a gift every man in our audience would welcome from Father Christmas. Or as you Americans call him, Santa claus. With pleasure, Dr. Watson. And not only from Santa Claus. A thrifty man can give himself a worthwhile gift anytime if he insists on Clippercraft. For Clipper craft clothes keep on giving for a long, long time. First of all, you've never seen such truly fine clothes at such really low prices. That means you pocket the savings. That's the first gift to yourself. And they also give you superb styling, perfect fit and long wear. Clippercraft clothes give you so very much because of the unique Clippercraft plan concentrating the buying power of 924 of the nation's leading stores from coast to coast. That means tremendous savings in manufacturing and distribution costs. And yours are the savings this brilliant plan makes possible. Clippercraft suits are only $40 and $45. ClipperCraft topcoats and overcoats only $40 and sport jackets only $26.50. ClipperCraft values are so amazing, we urge you to compare them with clothes selling for many dollars more. Listen, men, to this holiday tip on good grooming to help spark up your whole appearance. First, be sure that your hair is well groomed. Be sure it's groomed with popular Wild Root Cream Oil Hair Tonic Wild Root Cream Oil grooms Your hair neatly and naturally, the way you like it. The way she likes it. Wild Root Cream Oil also relieves annoying dryness. Removes loose, ugly dandruff. So look your best all the time by sprucing upright with Wild Root Cream Oil Hair Tonic again and again. The choice of men who put good grooming first. I dedicate this program to the fight against crime. Not merely crimes of violence and crimes of dishonesty, but crimes of intolerance, discrimination and bad citizenship. Crimes against America. Suspense presented by Roma Wines. Made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. Salute your Elsinore. Roma toasts the world. The wine for your table is Roma. Made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. This is the man in black here for the Roma Wine Company of Fresno, California, to introduce this weekly half hour of suspense. Tonight in Hollywood, Roma brings you as star, Mr. Peter Laurie. The suspense play, which stars Mr. Laurie and which is produced and directed by William Speer, is called Back for Christmas. In this series, Roma brings you tales calculated to intrigue you, to stir your nerves, to offer you a precarious situation. And then withhold the solution until the last possible moment. And so, with Back for Christmas. And with the performance of Peter Laurie, we again hope to keep you in suspension. Jingle bells, jingle bell Jingle all the way oh, what fun. Restaurant. Yes, Maria, what on earth are you doing down here in the cellar? Oh, just doing a little digging. And why, may I ask, have you chosen this day of all days to dig up the cellar floor? Well, I thought because the weather has been so damp. This would be a good time to plant that little devil's garden I told you about. Devil's garden? Whatever nonsense is that? Don't you remember? That was my little joke about it. You see, I've managed to get hold of the spores of several unclassified wild orchids. In a wild state, they bloom under damp masses of leaf mold. The South American Indians call them devil flowers because they appear to bloom under the ground. Well, I'm sure the South American Indians will be very interested if you succeed in growing these ridiculous flowers under the cellar floor. Whom else it will interest, I can't imagine. Oh, what's that terrible smell? Oh, that's the lead mold. Chemically identical with the earth blanket they grow underneath. Wild state. And I want to get these started before we close the house. Do you realize that we're sailing for America a week from today. And you've made no arrangements whatever? Unless you call digging a hole in the cellar making arrangements. I certainly don't. Devil's Garden, indeed. Sometimes I think you're going soft in the head, Hubert. Oh, I suppose it is inconsiderate of me. You see, I've been wanting to try this experiment for a long time. But with all those lectures and seminars at the university, there never seemed to be enough. Well, there certainly isn't any time for it now. I suppose you've forgotten I made an appointment for you at the barbers this afternoon. Must I shave my beard off? Remind. I thought we'd been through all that. Of course you must. They don't wear beards in America. Bad enough you're speaking with that accent. They'll probably think we're Germans as it is. Oh, I should think it would be quite easy just to explain that I'm Swiss. Now, Hubert, don't be argumentative. Go and get your jacket on and do as I tell you. Yes, Hermione. And don't forget to take your umbrella. It looks like rain. Yes, Hermione. And don't look so put upon, Hubert. Someone has to plan things in this house. Never even get to the university in time for your lectures, much less make arrangements for a trip to America. I know, but what about my specimens? There'll be plenty of time to plant your precious Devil's Garden when we get home from America. We're not going to be gone forever, you know. We'll be back here for Christmas. Yes, of course. Back for Christmas. I forgot that. Well, try to remember it. And if you can't do that, just do as I tell you. I've been making the plans in this house for 20 years. And if there's any digging to be done, I'll manage that as well. You understand, Hubert? Yes, Hermione. Good. Now, you have just 20 minutes to clean up this mess down here and keep your appointment at the barbers. And when you're finished there, I want you to come straight home. All right? Oh. Oh, I wanted to. Stop it. Miss Markham's and pick up some books I ordered. Well, all right. But don't loiter there the whole afternoon mulling over those old books the way you usually do. Now hurry and clear up this rubbish. Get rid of that smelly stuff. And no more digging, mind you. No more digging. I'll show her. I'll have my Devil's Garden. And if I. No more digging. Hey? No more digging. Oh. 15 men on a deadman's chest. Yoo hoo. You. Good evening, Sir. Good evening, Ms. Markham. Why, it is Professor Schumacher, isn't it? Do you like me better this way? You look ever so much younger. Without the beard. 20 years at least. 20 years. Oh, you'll be glad to know those books you ordered have finally arrived. Oh, yes, the books. Let me see. The Phytotomy of Phalloid Gametophytes and Coniferous Shrubs of North America. Those are the ones you ordered? Yes. Thank you. You're very kind, Miss Markham. Why kind, Professor Schumacher? Well, not. Not many young ladies in bookshops would go out of their way to look up rare books for an old professor. Why, you're not old, Professor Schumacher. Really, you look. What do I look like? And besides, I adore botany. It's my particular hobby. Oh, really? You've never told me that before, Miss Markham. Well, I was afraid to. You looked so imposing with the beard and all. Miss Markham, forgive me if this sounds foolish but since talking with you today, I feel that shaving off my beard is the most important thing I've done for 20 years. Oh, it is. I'm sure it is. I'm so sorry that I've been so distant with you all this time. Oh, there were times when I almost spoke up. Times when you came in here tired after a day with your students at the university. You seem so alone. The way I'm alone in the world. Alone. I'd like to have asked you to stay a while and talk with me. But some way or other, I. I always wind up giving you your change and letting you go on your way. Say, you. You're alone in the world since my father died. Oh, miss. Miss Markham, did you never think of marrying? My father was a very remarkable man. I never found anyone who seemed to measure up to what he led me to expect of men. Miss Markham. It's been so long since anyone called me by my first name. I'd like you to, if you want to. It's Marion. Marion. Oh, how nice. And yours? Well, Hubertus. But in English, Hubert sounds better. How long have you been alone, Hubert? Alone? I knew you were a widower, of course, the first time I saw you a widower. I can always tell. There's a certain sadness in a man's eyes. A sweet sadness, I think, when he's been married and then lost a widower. I never thought of it in quite that way. Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have been talking like this, I suppose. But I've often wondered what she must have been like. Your wife, I mean. Hermione. Not an easy woman to forget. Very strong. Always managing things. The house, my wardrobe, my friends. Even when we dined at a restaurant, she. Even then Ordered my food. She was always managing things her whole life. Managed herself to death, poor woman. She must have loved you very much. But she needn't have put herself out. So it's plain to see you don't need things managed for you. No. You need companionship, I think. Someone sympathetic with your work. But the last thing on earth you need is a manager. How well you put it. The last thing on earth. Operator? Operator, are you there? I'm still waiting on that call to Salisbury. Well, put them on quickly. Hello? Is this Paul holton sons? It's Mrs. Hubert Schumacher. Did you receive my letter? Good. Now, remember, we'll be back for Christmas, and I want the job done without fail. What's that? No, no, I'm sure he doesn't suspect anything. Send it to me in New York as I instructed you. Addressed in my name, of course. Yes, I've already put them in the mail. You'll get them tomorrow. Thank you. Thank you so much. Oh, here you are, Hubert. Where have you been? Oh, backstairs. I dismissed the servants. Dismissed the servants? Mm. But I've asked some friends of mine into a farewell luncheon. Go and tell them it's a mistake. Well, I'm afraid it's too late now. They've packed and gone. You have messed things up properly. How many times have I told you to leave things to me? I make the plans around here. Yes. Hermione, you have to do better than this when I plan the trip home or we'll never in the world be back for Christmas. Back for Christmas? Back for Christmas. Must you keep saying that? Why not? We are coming back for Christmas, aren't we? Supposing I. I were offered a professorship in one of those wealthy American universities. Nonsense. Americans care nothing for botany. Well, Luther Burbank was an American, wasn't he? Yes. Different. What have you ever done except muck around in the dirt with a lot of roots and tubers? Well, they asked me to lecture, didn't they? All right, all right. Now, there's no use getting yourself in a state about this, Hubert. No doubt this extra money will come in very handy when we arrive back. Back? For criticness. Truth no good to make a joke of it. Heaven knows where you'd be today if I hadn't got a sense of time. Yes, Hermione. And as you've been so foolish as to dismiss the servants, you may empty the ashtrays and straighten up this room. While we're waiting for the guest to arrive, I'm going in to have my bath. Call me when they get here. Marion, it's Hubert. No, no, darling. No, nothing is wrong. My plans are the same. Unless. Unless you have changed. No. We'll meet in New York then and be married there. I'll explain to you why later. You just have to trust me. Yes. Yes, madame. You both. I'm so sorry. I can't talk any longer. Yes, I'll meet you in New York without fail. I'll feel the same man Leap. Hubert, were you talking on the phone just now? Yes. Yes, Hermione. Whoever was it? Oh, Freddy. Freddie Sinclair. But didn't I hear you say something about meeting somebody in New York? Why, yes. Freddy said he might possibly get over there before we even leave. And I said of course we'd meet him there if he decided to go. That seems very peculiar. But then all of your friends are peculiar. Yes, Hermione. And just look at your jacket. Have you been digging in that cellar again? Yes, Hermione. Well, there's no need for it. You can't possibly get that Devil's Garden thing finished before we sail for America. Go and change your clothes before the guests arrive. Oh, never mind. I see somebody coming up the walk now. Go and let them in. Yes, Hubert. Yes. Look out the window. There's professor and Mrs. Goodnow. But who's that with them, precisely? Freddie Sinclair. Peculiar. You should have been talking to him on the phone not three minutes ago. And now here he is. Yes, isn't it? But then, as you see, Hermione, all of my friends are peculiar. Not half so peculiar as you digging in the cellar the very day we leave for America. Just look at yourself. And now that I think of it. Yes? Oh, never mind. Go and let them in. Oh, you were going to ask me something, Hermione, about the hole I'm digging in a cellar. Good heavens. Stop rolling your eyes about that way. One would think you were digging a grave down there instead of a storage bin. Yes, Hermione. What's that? I said, yes, Hermione. Father opened the door and. Please stop saying yes, Hermione. I think, my dear, I have said it for the last time. A professor of botany, his loving wife and an oblong pit in the cellar just the right size for his botanical specimens. His devil's garden with these ingredients for a story of a perfect crime. Back for Christmas by John Collier. And starring Peter Laurie. The Roma Wine Company closes the curtain for a moment on another breathless study in suspense. In this brief intermission in the play, it's pleasant to think about the holidays. Not everyone celebrates the holidays. Against a background of snow and pine trees, somewhere south of the Gulf and the Caribbean, in a gracious home, surrounded by palm trees in the warm sun, you might find holiday dinners ending this way. One moment, please. Our North American guest wishes to propose a toast. Yes, Miss amigos. I drink a toast in gratitude to you for your gracious hospitality and the enjoyment you've given me. An American so far from home. It is only a fair exchange, my friend. This wine in which you drink your toast, it brings enjoyment to us from your country, From America. It is Roma wine, made in your own California. Yes. And when you choose the wine for your holiday table, remember this, only a few wines are so fine that many countries of the world import them. And among these greatly enjoyable wines are the wines of Roma R O M A made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. Yet here in America, we are truly fortunate, for we may buy Roma wines at a very low cost since we don't have to pay import duty or costly shipping charges. So serve Roma wine with pride on any and all holiday occasions. Serve Roma 2. For everyday dinners. You can afford to ask your dealer tomorrow for your favorite Roma wine, America's largest selling wine. But before you buy wine, buy war bonds. And now, it is with pleasure that we bring back to our sound stage Mr. Peter Laurie in Act 2 of Back for Christmas. A tale well calculated to keep you in suspense. Back for Christmas. Hermione was so positive we would be back for Christmas that last afternoon. Pouring tea out for a few friends who had come in to say last minute farewells, she kept reiterating it. Now, mind you, Hermione, don't let those Americans lure your husband with one of their fat university jobs. We absolutely must have you with us for Christmas. He shall be back, I promise you. Well, it's not absolutely certain, of course, Hubert. What do you mean, it's not certain? Of course it's certain. After all, Hubert's old boy, you've contracted to lecture for only three months. Oh, that's quite right. But then, of course, anything may happen. Hubert adores being unpredictable. Now, what other man would decide the day, the very day, mind you, before leaving for America to dig a great hole in the floor of the cellar. In the cellar? Yes. He's going to put some unclassified wild orchids down there. A devil's garden, if you please. It sounds so mysterious. That's Hubert, though it's really quite simple. However, once you find out what he's up to. Now, take that telephone call he put through to you a few minutes Ago, Freddy? Me? Of course. Now. Hubert wanted to surprise me about your plan to meet us in New York next month. Wasn't that why he called, to ask you not to mention it? My dear Hermione, Hubert couldn't possibly have telephoned me within the past hour. I've been walking in the park since 3. He didn't telephone you? How could he? It is for my going to America. No, no, no, no. Come, Freddy, come. You may as well confess. Hermione has just found me out again. But humor's old chap. I really. Do you see what a poor liar Hubert makes? He's red as a beetroot. Aren't you ashamed of yourself, professor, stringing poor Hermione along like that? And as for you, Freddy, I'm furious you said nothing to us about going to America. But look here, old girl, I've been trying to tell everyone here that I'm. Oh, stuff the nonsense. The game's gone on long enough. Besides, we must start getting ready now. It was marvelous of all of you to come in to say goodbye. And don't worry about Hubert's little jokes. I will bring him back for Christmas. You may rely on it. They all believed her. For years she had been promising me for dinner parties, garden parties, committees. And the promises had always been kept. This time they would not be. I had seen to that. The servants were gone for good. The farewells all set. I timed to the minute how long it would take to fill in a hole in a cellar. My devil's garden. Upstairs in her bedroom, I undressed and put on my old bathrobe. And then I. I opened the door into Hermione's room. Oh, Hermione. Have you a moment to spare? Of course, dear. I'm just finished. Well, then, will you come in here for a moment, please? There's something rather extraordinary here. Good heavens, Hubert. What are you lounging about in that filthy old bathrobe for? I told you to put it into the furnace. Oh, I'll do it. I'll do it today. Yes, really, I will. Well. High time. Now, what is it you want to show me? Oh, here. Here in the bathroom. Just look. Who in the world do you suppose dropped a gold chain down the bathtub drain? Nobody has, of course. Nobody wears such a thing. Then what is it doing in here? I don't see anything. Well, look, I'll hold this flashlight here for you. If you lean right over, you can see it shining. It's deep down. Such a lot of nonsense, just as we're. Well, I don't see it, Hubert. Go on looking, Hermione. In just a moment, Hubert, I absolutely refuse. Hubert, what are you doing? Take your hands off my neck. I will, Hermione. Just as soon as I finish the arrangements for my trip to America. What are you talking about? You thought you were the only one who could plan things, didn't you? Didn't you, Hermione? Huh? Well, I've been making some plans of my own this past week. In exactly 2 minutes and 16 seconds, you'll be dead. You see? You see? I planned it very accurately. You'll never get away with it. Oh, I thought you would see that, Hermione. But I will get away with it. You won't mind the smell of the liv mo down in the cellar when I take you down there today. Yes. That is where you are going, Hermione. Right into my devil's garden. That annoys you so much. My friends all expect me back for Christmas. They do? If they don't hear from me, they'll start asking questions. No, they won't. Because you'll write them letters, Hermione, on a typewriter, as you always do. They'll be signed H in that neat, correcting way you always sign your notes to your friends. Here, let me up now. No, it won't work, Hubert. You were never any good at planning. Oh, but I have changed. I have learned from watching you all these years. The lecture people in America. They'll expect you to be traveling with your wife. I will be traveling with my wife. But not my present wife, Hermione Schubert. It won't work, I tell you. That pit you dug in the cellar. Oh, it will work. It'll serve its purpose. Well, Hubert. No, no. I'm sorry, dear. This thing has to be done exactly as planned. You have just five seconds to say your prayers. Hubert, you must listen. The cellar, it. Don't do it, Hubert. Later. My steward. Yes, sir. Oh, my wife. She's in this post. She. She'll be taking her meals in our stateroom. For the whole voyage, sir? Yes, for the whole voyage. I trust your wife is feeling better this morning, Professor Schumacher? A little. Not yet well enough to leave her cabin. Oh, what a shame. Oh, Professor Schumacher. Yes? Here's a copy of the radiogram you sent for your wife last evening. Thank you. I'll just check it over. Oh, but, but look. Look here. Why, what's the matter? Did the typist make a mistake? No, no, it's nothing important. She can correct it later. For a moment, I had a feeling that Hermione had been leaning over my shoulder again, correcting when I had written, as she always did, I had written a radiogram to Professor Goodenough and his wife. Haven't been out of my cabin the whole beastly trip, Hubert. Well, no doubt we'll be back for Christmas. But the operator had left out the W, and it read, no doubt we'll be back for Christmas. Exactly what Hermione would have written. Well, the rest of the trip was uneventful. Marion and I met in New York just as we had planned. Just as we had planned. Professor. Mrs. Schumacher, we have reservations. Have a little. Oh, yes. We've been expecting you, sir. Boy, take professor and Mrs. Schumacher's luggage up to their suite. You know, Mrs. Schumacher, you're quite a surprise. Your letter reserving the rooms was so thorough. I was expecting an older, more forbidding sort of person. Frankly, ma'am, no. As a matter of fact, we're just married. But I. My letter is serving the rooms. Oh, I wrote the letter, my dear, and I signed it Mrs. Hubert Schumacher. Just a joke. What a cunning old fox you are, Hubert, now that I think of it. Oh, I almost forgot. There's a letter for you, Mrs. Schumacher. That's peculiar. I wonder who on earth. Oh, well, we'll find out in good time. Come along, darling. We are keeping the boy waiting. Come along. Oh, nothing like a cold, brisk shower to put a man to write. Hubert, this letter. Oh, yes, the letter. Oh, dry my hair, will you, darling, please? It seems to be a bill of some sort from a building contractor in Salisbury. Oh, really? Oh, bother. Dry your own hair. Thank you, darling. Let's see this bill, or whatever it is. It's very puzzling, Hubert. You were a widower, weren't you? I mean, Hermione isn't still alive. Good heavens, no. Well, let me read that. Mm. Dear Madame, this is to acknowledge your order to get with the keys to your house in Launceston Place. Our man had no difficulty in finding the place where your husband had begun the excavation in the cellar. But apparently he changed his mind at the last moment and filled it in again. What is it, Hubert? Our men will begin digging tomorrow. And the job will be completed in ample time for your surprise Christmas present to your husband. We are happy to be conspirators with you in this thoughtful gesture and hope that Professor Schumacher will be pleased at the results of our work on his devil's garden. Very truly yours. Oh, Hold. Sons Contractors. What does it mean, Hubert? It means. Means that Hermione was right. I will be back for Christmas I will be Back for Christmas I will Back for Christmas Back for Christmas yes and I need and so closes Back for Christmas starring Mr. Peter Laurie. Tonight's tale of suspense. In just a moment, we shall hear again from Mr. Laurie. But first, just a word that seems appropriate. One of the world's oldest customs is the Christmas toast. And traditionally, down through centuries of war and peace, the Christmas toast has been drunk in wine. This year, when the glasses are filled and raised once again, we know that in every home the toast will be to a speedy victory and a speedy return of those we love. And before we set the wine glasses down, let us all resolve to do everything within our power to help make that toast come true. Let us resolve to help supply the weapons of war by buying even more and more war bonds. Let us resolve to face our own inconveniences without complaining. And above all, let us resolve that when this war is at last over, each of us will exert all our effort to see that future Christmases truly express peace on earth, goodwill to men. This thought, together with our very best wishes of the season, is the Roma Wine Company's Christmas message for you, its friends here in America and throughout the world. This is Peter Laurie. Thank you for listening to our suspense play this evening. And I know you are looking forward to next week's show, as I am. It is called Finishing School and its subtitle might be the famous quotation. The female of the species is more deadly than the male. Don't forget then next Thursday, same time for Margot Elsa Lanchester, Janet Beecher and a distinguished all feminine cast. In suspense, presented by Roma Wines R O M A made in California for enjoyment throughout the world. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System, the Damon Runyon Theater. Once again, the Damon Runyon Theatre brings you another story by the master storyteller Damon Runyon. And this one, Dancing Dan's Christmas. And to tell it to you, here is Broadway. Thanks. The time this story takes place is Christmas. The time when everybody is saying things about peace on earth, goodwill to men. Now, that is a sentiment with which I go along 300%. And I wish that everyone will take it to heart. However, there are certain citizens who never hear of peace. And good will is nice, but not absolutely necessary. And how it happens that I almost spend my last Christmas with no will at all is quite a story which I will tell you about in a minute. And now back to the Damon Runyon Theater and the famous story Dancing Dan's Christmas. It is just two days before Christmas that I am sitting In Mindy's, enjoying some cheesecake and coffee. My enjoyment is not long lasting, because no sooner is the first bite in my mouth than I am joined by a character named Shotgun Sam, so called for reasons that are plain. He sidles up, eyes me for a couple of seconds, then sits down. The cheesecake has no more flavor and gets even less tasty, as Shotgun says, as follows. Broadway. How are you? First rate. How are you, Shotgun? Tired. Very tired. Is the cheesecake good? I just take my first bite. I don't see Dancing Dan any place around, do you? I am not looking for it. I am. Oh, here's his heart to find. There's warmth in the bookie's heart. It seems to me that the places to be looking for Dancing Dan would be the nightclubs. He likes to dance. Mm. And that is just why I'm looking for him. Because he's such a slick dancer. You wish to take lessons? I do not. I wish to give Dancing Dan one and one he will not forget. I tell you, I do not see him any place. I believe you. Thanks, but we. I do not like the job I gotta do. Which is? It seems that Dancing Dan dances too much here lately with the wrong doll. Muriel O'Neil? The same. You know about it then? Well, there is a rumor that Heinie Schmitz likes her. Said rumor is absolutely true. And because it is, Heinie wishes dance and Dan to know it. Look, Shotgun, what harm is there in dancing with Muriel O'Neil? None. Except that Dancing Dan does it more than once. Now I've got to find him and end his career. You're sure you do not see him? As sure as I am a foot high. I do not. Okay. But if you do, you will let me know? Well, to tell the truth, I do not get to many places which are apt to see dance and dance. But in case you do, Heine would take it as a personal favor if you would tell me. Also, he would take it as a personal affront if you do not but. Shut up. I also would take it as a personal affront. I have got this job to do Fine. And I would like to get it over with because I wish to get home for Christmas. I do not like to spend the Christmas season hunting for somebody here. I. I hear. Okay. See you, man. Now, when a citizen like Shotgun Sam says he would take it as a personal affront, he means just that. So I make it strictly my business to keep more than somewhat away from the spots where I am likely to see Dan's and Dan. Not that I would tip off Shotgun because I like Dan. But if Shotgun finds out that I see Dan and do not tell him, that is not only the end of my peace on earth. It is the end. So it is on Christmas Eve that I am in good time. Charlie's a place Dancing Dan is never likely to show up. The scene is as follows. This is what is known as Tom and Jerry. Broadway. You like it? It is very good. A great thing for Christmas. Charlie, how does it happen you have no other customers tonight? Christmas Eve, everybody stays home. I figure I'll close up early. And who's that? It does not make any difference. Let him knock. Now, as I was saying, whoever it is wants to come in, I gotta close up. No more customers tonight. Maybe it is someone who wants to see you. Okay. Leave the door on its hinges. I'm coming. Hi, Charlie. Dan. Dancing Dan. Dancing Dan. Well, Broadway, how are you? What are you doing here, Dan? Here? Why, I just thought I'd drop in and wish everybody a merry Christmas. Everybody is not here. So I see. Hey, Charlie, is that a Tom and Jerry? Yeah. You wish one? Yeah, just one. Then I gotta go. Here, store this someplace for me, will you? Yeah. What is in the package? Iron. Not by a long shot. Well, Broadway, I haven't seen you for a long time. Where you been? Keeping yourself safe, huh? How's it with you, Charlie? Pretty good. Here, have a Tom and Jerry on the house. Thanks. It's good. Yeah. Dan, is it safe for you to be out? Hmm? Oh, you mean about Heinie Schmitz? That is it. Well, this is kind of a farewell party, boys. From now on, I'm going the straight and narrow. Yeah, Why? I mean, this is news. Yeah. Maybe because I'm in love. This makes it worse. I presume the doll is Muriel O'Neill. You know, this is Christmas. I figure there's no better time for a guy to cut out his old life and build something new for himself. And that's what I'm gonna do. Here's to you, Broadway. Look, Dan, I'd give a million potatoes if I do not see you tonight. Why, I. I just would. You are plenty hot. Oh, sure. Heinie doesn't like me. And when Heine doesn't like somebody, that somebody is in the red. Plenty. I gotta go, Dan. Why? Look, you. You know I wouldn't give the tip off, Dan, but. Well, Shotgun Sam is looking for you. And when he finds you. I know Broadway is right. Dan, Shotgun will not be particular who is between him and his target. Yeah. You sure nobody sees you come in here? I don't know. Holy mackerel. Merry Christmas, everybody. It's funny, isn't it? Here I am, in love with a doll who loves me. I want to go straight. I want to forget the old life and build up something new for Muriel and me. I gotta do it the hard way. Yeah, it is funny. Okay, tell you what. I'll stay just a couple of minutes. Then I'll take the heat off you two by getting out of here. Okay? Sure, Dan. You are an all right guy, Broadway. What do you say? I. It's Christmas Eve. What else can I say? Thanks. Well, Merry Christmas, boys. It is more than a little uncomfortable. In good time, Charlies. As any minute we are expecting Shotgun Sam to poke in and end the proceedings. But the half hour goes by and all three of us are beginning to think that everything is all right. When the scene is as follows. That is somebody at the door. Here it is, Dan. There's a back way out of here. You think they won't have that covered? Open the door, Charlie. You crazy? I'm tired of running away. Open the door. You cannot do this. Dan. Step back. I'll open. No, no, don't. Dan, look. If anything happens, take that package to police headquarters. Police? Yeah, there's a note in it. They'll understand. Now get back out of line of the doctor. Merry Christmas. Look, it's Santa Claus. It is somebody who looks like him. Hey, look. Hi, Charlie. Hi, Broadway. Look, it is Ookie. Yeah, Ooky. Dressed up like Santa Claus. Yeah. I'm glad you're open, Charlie. It's pretty cold outside. Ookie, what is the idea of the Santa Claus suit? And what is the idea of scaring 10 years out of us? Who, me? It's okay, Ookie, you didn't know. I'd like Broadway asked, what's the idea of the Santa Claus suit? Well, I'm advertising Fletcher's store. 50 cents an hour I get for walking up and down the streets handing out his cards. You got yourself a bad cold. Uh huh. But I'm gonna be all right in a couple of minutes. Just gotta get warm first. Well, you're crazy. You will get pneumonia if you go out again. I need the dough bad. You mean you're so broke you gotta walk up and down in that Santa Claus suit for half a check an hour? How do you like that? Here, rookie, drink this. A Tom and Jerry. Yeah, thanks. That's good. It's nice and hot. Gee, I wish I could stay in Here and talk with you Skies. But I gotta beat it. You are figuring on going out in the cold? I need the dough. I ain't got a cent, and my wife's kinda sick. I'd kinda like to bring her a little present this year. Okie. How long you have to walk around like that? About till midnight. Well, it's only 10. Now, you will get soaking wet in the snow in two hours. Oh, I'll stop in the storefronts and places to get warmed up. Well, gotta get going. Thanks for Tom and Jerry. Sure. Here, Buy the wife a good present, huh? Gee, thanks, Charlie. Here, give her one for me too, huh? Oh, no. Look, make it a real Christmas Hooky. Who is G D? Guys, I got a bad cold. Makes me sniffle. Yeah, yeah. Well, gotta get going. Wait, Ookie. You got dough now. Why kill yourself for a measly four bits an hour? Well, it ain't only this job, but Fletch promised me if I'd make good, he'd let me clean up his place overnight. Fifteen a week. And I need the job. So, you see, I gotta do it. No, you don't. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I do. I've been pretty sick the past year. Couldn't hold no job. But this year's gonna be different. I promise. Midge, my wife. Ookie, take off that suit, huh? But, Dan, I got. Take it off. Dan. What's the idea? I'm not gonna let Ookie walk around with that coal. Oh, now, please, Dan. I need the job. I'm gonna get. You get it. Because Fletcher's Santa Claus is gonna walk around. What are you talking about, Dan? Me? I'm gonna be Santa Claus. Now I hear everything. Dan. Dan. Go on, start taking it off. You stay here till you get good and warm, then take a cab back home. Dan, I won't never forget this. I won't either. Well, I'll have it off in a jiffy. Dan, you are crazy. You'll be walking around the streets. You'll be a setup for Shotgun. You got a chance if you keep out of sight. I'm gonna make this the best Christmas I ever had. It says, peace on earth, goodwill towards men. Okay, I'm through running away. If Shotgun wants to rub me out on Christmas Eve, let him. I'm not gonna run away anymore. But what about Muriel? Why do you not think about her? I am. I'm giving her a Christmas present. Yeah. Together we'd only have to keep running away by herself. She'll do a lot better. Hurry up with that Suit, hooky. And now back to the Damon Runyon Theater and the famous story, Dancing Dan's Christmas. Well, Dancing Dan puts on Ookie's Santa Claus suit, beard and all. We get a pillow from Good Time Charlie and make Dan look quite a bit like the real thing. And then, just as he is about to leave, the scene is as follows. Now, who is calling me on the phone? Answer it. Charlie. Yeah, I'll be back in just a second. Dan, for the last time, do not do this. I'm doing it for Mookie and Muriel. It's funny, isn't it? Maybe in Santa Claus. I tell you, you got a chance if you. Hey, Broadway. Yeah? Charlie, this call is for you. What? For me? But nobody knows I am here. You better take this. But. Go ahead, Broadway. I'll wait here till you're through. Yeah, yeah, okay. You are not going to like this, Broadway. Who is it? Here, take it. I will go back and talk to Dan. Hello, this is Broadway. Broadway, this is Muriel O'Neil. What? Charlie told me Dan's there. Well, yeah, he is, but how'd you know? He said he was going to say Merry Christmas to everybody. Broadway, watch him. Don't let him do anything crazy. Please, Ms. O'Neill, I have no control whatsoever of Broadway. Charlie told me what he's going to do. You mustn't let him. Broadway, please. What is there I can do? Talk him out of it. I tried that for a solid half an hour. Then go with him. We have a bad connection. I think you say go with him. Yes, it is a very bad connection, Broadway. Look, it's Christmas. I love the big goof. I know what he's thinking and I know what he's doing. Please stay with him. Ms. O'Neill. I know it is Christmas and I would like to see what it is like next year, too. Broadway. They might not try anything if there's somebody with him. Don't you see? I do not. You're afraid. All right, hold him there until I get to him. I'll go with him. Oh, no. Hey, hey. No, please. Hold him then. Look, Miss O'Neill. There is no. Miss O'Neill. Miss O. Step on him, Broadway. I want to get going. Yeah, I'm coming. Friend of yours on the phone? Uh huh. A friend of mine. Yeah. Well, what does the friend have to say, Broadway? Nothing much. Say, Dan? Yeah? I think I will walk a piece with you. Huh? You crazy? I need some air. Broadway, stay here. I have to meet somebody in a little while. Come on, Dan. Okay. I can't stop you. Oh, give me that package, Johnny. What have you got in there, Dan? A Christmas present for the police. Come on, Broadway. Well, so I am crazy, but I do not like to see Ms. Muriel O'Neil taking a chance. So I figure I will go with Dan so that if Ms. O'Neill comes into Charlie's, he will tell her I am with him. We step out into the street. The snow is sparkling under the lights and the bells are ringing. It is a beautiful Christmas Eve and everybody looks happy. But me, I am very sad and more than somewhat jumpy because I expect any minute to hear something that is not Christmas chimes. But we walk up the street and the scene is as follows. Look, Broadway. Did you ever see a night like this? Truthfully? No. Fresh snow, people laughing, talking. What makes people laugh like this, Broadway? I wish. I know. So do I. Look, Dan, how far do you expect to walk? Not far. Just a Muriel's place. Muriel's? Yeah. I want to put something in her grandma's stocking. I do not know what you are talking about. Her grandmother hangs up her stocking every year and gets nothing. But this year she's going to have a good Christmas. Just one before she dies. This year that stocking is going to get something good in it. Like what? See this package? Know what's in it? If it is at all like the rest of this evening, there is a bomb in it. No, no. I made a haul. 50,000 clams worth of jewelry. This is Christmas Eve. And so I figured I'd take it back to the police because I am going straight. You are walking around in a Santa Claus suit with 50 worth of jewelry wrapped up in a newspaper. It's the only paper I could find. And I am with you. Take it easy, Broadway. No one will think of frisking Santa Claus for jewelry. Hey, look. Where? What? Who? That Salvation army doll. She is not doing a good business. Come on, Dan. Please let us get in off the street. You'll now have your fun. I have to pass out these cards for uki. Sure, but meanwhile, we're gonna drum up a little business for the Salvation army doll. Mary Queen, Christmas and the last. Good evening, miss. Oh, hello there, Santa. I don't see much folding money in that kettle. Well, people are too busy to stop, I guess. Uhhuh. Okay, I will see what I can do. And please let us get off the street. Ah, there's a customer. Hey, you. Hey. You talking to me? Uhhuh. You know who I am? You look like Santa Claus to me. I Am now you be one. Huh? Put something in the kettle. Now looky here. No, you look there. Put something in the kettle. I. Well, of course. And see that what you put in doesn't make a tinkly sound. In fact, no sound at all. You were the first Santa Claus I ever seen packing a rod. I'm different. Go ahead. Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. He will tell the cops then. Hey, you, come here. I. I put a $5 bill in the captain. Good. Here's your file. I. What? I don't understand. I want the little lady to think that it came from you. I'm beat it. Oh, sure, sure, Sant Claus. Thanks very much. Now let's pro. Well, here's my last stop, Broadway. Look, Dan, forget this business. Oh, no. I still got Grandma O'Neill's stocking to fill. Come on. But Shotgun might be watching here. So what if he is? He will get you. I'm not gonna let Shotgun spoil the best Christmas Eve I've had since I was a kid. You coming with me or not? I. I can't stand out here on the street. Well, then she lives on the second floor. Look, Broadway, you stay back of me. I'm used. You get in it too. That makes good sense. See anybody? No, I do not like this. It is too quiet. Yeah. Well, here we are. See if the door is locked open. Uh huh. Let me go in first. Be careful, Dan. I'll go in first and light the light. Nobody here. Nobody but Grandma O'Neill sleeping. I do not like this, Dan. They will come looking for you. Here, let them. Look at her. Broadway sleeping in her chair and that stocking hanging up. Every year she does that. Now we're gonna make it worthwhile. Look at that. Yeah. Pretty stuff, ain't it? You know there's a 5,000 reward out for it, right? And you're putting it in a stocket. Why not? It's a nice Christmas present, ain't it? Here we go. It looks awful funny in that stock. And it's gonna take more than a little explanation how it gets there. It's here that's the main thing. Now let's get going again. Where to now? Oh, I don't know. But you can go home if you want to. Yeah, I guess I will. She's gonna believe there's really a Santa Claus. Wait. Somebody came in the door. In the hall. Coming up. Yeah. Get down, Broadway. Who's that? Muriel. Muriel. Dan. Oh, Dan. Oh, Dan, you crazy fool. Honey, everything's all right. Muriel. Did you see anybody? No. But why did you come here? I had something to do. Honey, please. Dan, you can't stay here. You can't stay in New York. What do you want me to do, run away? What do you care? If that's what it has to be, it's better than being killed. I don't think so. Ms. O'Neill is right. Maybe. Maybe not. Now, look, Muriel, you wait five minutes out here in the hall and you go in your flat. But why? Do like I said. What are you gonna do, Dan? Me? I got a great idea. Do like I said, Broadway. Stay with me, Dan. Don't come after me, Broadway. What's he gonna do, Ms. O'Neill? I do not know. And even if I do know, I would not understand it. Well, we do like Dan Sundays. We wait five minutes and then we go into Muriel's flat. When she sees the jewelry in the stocking, she makes me tell her what happens. And then she runs out in the street to look for Dan. But he is gone. And it's not until the next day that I hear what happens from Good Time Charlie. Sure, sure. I am telling it straight, Broadway. Dan goes right to the police and tells them he pulled that jewelry job. And. And he leaves the jewelry. So Muriel will get the reward. That is the way I figure it. But she will not accept it. But now he will get a couple of years at least. Sure he will. You know, maybe it is better this way. He goes to the clink, but he does not get rubbed out by Shotgun Sam. Yeah, yeah. But there is something I do not understand. What? Why is it that Muriel does not take the reward money? Dolls are very funny people. Sometimes, Broadway, they are very funny people. She says she will wait for him and they will start all over again. Yep, like you say, dolls are very funny people. But, Charlie, there is something even funnier. Yeah? What is that? I am not able to figure out why Dan is still alive. And why Shotgun Sam is not watching your place here last night. Or haven't it watched? Like I say, it is hard to figure that out. Anyway, Dan goes to the pen, but he gets a light sentence because he says he is going straight. And besides, he gives himself up. He gets out and marries Ms. Muriel O'Neil. And the last I hear, they are living happily. But that is not the end of the story. And what the end is, I will tell you in a minute. Well, it is a year later that I am once again sitting in Mindy's. It is again Christmas Eve. I look up from my blintzes and whom do I See? But Shotgun Sam. And he was looking at me with a funny look. He comes over and sits down. And the scene is as follows. Hello, Broadway. Hello, Shotgun. It is just about a year since I saw you last, is it not? Almost exactly, mm, Christmas Eve last year. Oh, no. You do not see me last Christmas Eve. I see you last Christmas Eve. You do not see me. You are gonna say something? No. I see you come out of good time Charlies. You do? Uh huh. I am looking for dance and Dan. But I'm not looking for him anymore because Heinie Schmitz no Longer cares for Ms. Muriel O'Neill. You say you see me last Christmas Eve. Comin out a good time Charlies? Yeah. I get a tip that Dance and Dan is headed for there. I get there just as Ookie is going in. Oh, Ookie. Yeah. I wait and then I see you come out with a. I must get a bad steer because dancing there never goes in nor comes out. It must be a bad steer you get. Well, I guess I will go now. So long. So long. Oh, and Merry Christmas. Shotgun. And so ends the famous Damon Runyon story, Dancing Dan's Christmas. Listen in again next week for the Damon Runyon Theater. The Damon Runyon Theater with John Brown as Broadway is directed by Richard Sanville and the stories adapted for radio by Russell Hughes. Vern Carstenson is in charge of production. This is a Mayfair production. Personal notice changes my stock and trade. If the job's too tough for you to handle, you got a job for me? George Valentine. Write full details. Standard Oil Company of California, on behalf of independent Chevron gas stations and Standard stations throughout the west, invite you to let George do it. Christmas in January. Another adventure of George Valentine. You looking for a picture, lady? Oh, hello, Buddy. Hey, how much is that one? This one? Yeah. The oil painting of the building. It's a street in Paris. Looks more like Oswego. And somewhere on the Left Bank. I presume you see the painter. Never mind the travel notes, Jack. Just how much, huh? Well, I'm afraid it's probably a good deal more than you could afford, sister. Buddy, you see that big white convertible out there at the curb? Yeah. Well, is it yours? Oh, well, I didn't mean it. What do I gotta do, wear tights? The name's Charity Dufresne. I'll buy you a Seeing eye dog. Oh, Mr. Fr. Oh, I'm awfully sorry. Gosh, I've even got pinups of you myself. Smoke? I guess I've seen every one of your pictures. Three or four times. Well, then you should pay more attention to details. Like my face. Now, come on. Fan club. How much? Huh? Huh? Or the picture. Well, look, if it's for your own house, I mean, you would. Who sent you to this place? Don't flatter yourself. It's a junk shop. And don't worry. I won't tell anybody. I want to buy a gift, that's all. Oh, I see. Well, if you're giving it to. To someone you like, I know what kind of a picture it is. I'm giving it to somebody who should use it as a winding sheet, I hope. Oh, yeah, I get it. Yeah, yeah. Very appropriate. It's 250. Here, Jesse Jane, if you'll wait just a second, I'll wrap it up for you so nobody will notice. I'll wrap it myself. Thank you. I brought my own stuff. This buddy is going to be something real special. You know who it's for? An octopus. You know what it's for him for a Christmas present. Yeah. In January. Yes. That's. That's my dear Charity. As wholesome and appetizing as a tube of ant paste. Oh, but she adores me. Worship is the proper word. Perhaps she's like a yo yo to which I hold the street. Yeah, sure. But look, she got out of the car, Mr. Wick, and walked into the shop. My dear Mr. Valentine, you will keep your eye on the doings of Miss Charity Afraid. How about that, Miss Brooks? Did he just watch the doings, or did he let his eye wander to what's already been done by her beneficent creator? Well, I was right there with him. She's very attractive, but I. I'm trying to tell you what she did, Mr. Wick. If you'll just let me. Like a drum buoy. Either one of you. The only drink worth drinking. Because, like a woman, a drink should be stimulating to the senses, but easy to see through jokes. Where's that bottle of Drambooy you brought to town from the Hovel? My country place, mister. Well, no, thanks. Really, Mr. Wick. How should I know, boys? I've been busy with the lights. Look, Mr. Wick, I'm trying to give you a report. Of course you are, my dear man. Of course you are. You heard her call me an octopus. You said. Isn't that wonderful, Duke? Yeah, I guess so. You mean one of them things you had thought of it? Jukes is so prosaic when he calls me names. Used to be a mule skinner's apprentice, I believe. I was a Male nurse. I was studying to be a pharmacist. Yes, yes. Let's not bore the people, Jukes. Just run fetch them a brandy. My name is really Anthony. Of course, dear boy. They understand. Mr. Valentine knows a Jukes when he sees one. Now hop. All right, so I'll see what I can find. My companion, isn't he delightful? The jester, the court fool. And I'm tied to him like a millstone. I've been ill, you know. So my wife hired him to fetch and carry. And then when I was helpless and at his mercy, night and day she ran away. Makes a rather charming story, don't you think? I call it the Frau's Revenge. Yeah, I didn't even know you were married, Mr. Wick. Oh, miserably. Don't you ever read my column? Good heavens, man. Let me inform you. It's the sort of rounded anecdote Walcott would have adored. She was my secretary, you see, in years past. Until, in my bestial fashion, I decided I could save a good bit of expense if I married her and stopped her salary. However, fate in his hairy handed way. Never mind, never mind. I've heard enough vocabulary for one day. I'm a busy man, Mr. Wick. You don't want to check over my report? Okay, forget it. Goodbye. I could recite your stupid report by heart, Mr. Valentine. I asked you to observe the suspicious actions of Mr. Frank. Look, she only bought a picture. I wouldn't have taken the job if I'd have known. You just wanted me to snoop. An original oil painting of a Paris building and street. Now, tell me, there was a lady lamp in the background, wasn't there? And two children rolling a red. Well, well, yeah, yeah, that's right. Of course. I don't suppose you noticed the name, the artist's signature? Well, it was kind of a funny painting. Didn't mean anything to me. Something like Petrillo. That's all I remember. What? Oh, yeah, Mr. Valentine. Oh, my poor little yo yo will be spinning so fast she won't know what it. What on earth are you talking about, Mr. Way? It will all be in print, dear one. I never give away the end of a story before it's written. Tell me, tell me, do you think green lights will look well on a blue Christmas tree? A what, Mr. Valentine? You have your check. Goodbye. Out of the hovel tonight. It's Christmas, didn't you know? Yes, in January. Now get out of here. Run along. I'm a busy man. Not so fast, buster. Not so fast, please. What's the big joke in this picture deal. What kind of a stunt are you up to? You dragged me into being a party to something curious. Curious? Curious. Life and death, Mr. Valentine. The death of pride. The world is a yo yo, didn't you know? For a man like me? So read about it tomorrow in my obituary column. Christmas in January. Yo yos paintings. What kind of a loony characters? Oh, Trio, George. That's it. And he painted Paris streets and buildings. And you said she bought it for $250? Yeah, that's right. An original painting by O Trio, huh? Would you like to find out just what kind of a snide story Mr. Wick is getting ready to write? That I'm afraid we helped him to write. Now, look, don't rub it in. What don't I know? Besides everything? Come on, we're going to a real art store. Just George. Because you want to bet the lead his story will be all about Miss Charity Dufresne buying a fraudulent painting. Well, darling, a real U trio should sell for at least 15 or $20,000. And not just on Christmas. 17,000, 250. Yeah, well, look, friend, we already know that. We found it in the catalog at one of the other places we went. But lots of new interest in your Trio right now, you know. But that shop we told you about, it must sell fake paintings, isn't that right? It must. It does copy limitations, but it doesn't always bother to mark them as such. Like the one you saw. All right, but Brooksie, look. So the dame bought him a fake painting for a gift on a fake Christmas. She doesn't like him anyway. A fake what? Oh, well, never mind. Enough people are confused already. But look, angel, I don't understand why that should make the old goat so happy. How my telling him about it would give him any hold over her. Mr. Valentine, I too am an ardent reader of Francis Xavier Wick. His column, his books. He has a passion for what he calls the rounded anecdote, I believe. Well, I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. But mine is the gallery which owned the original of that Trio painting. You know, the real one. Of course. That's why we came here, out of curiosity, to confirm that price of $17,000. Yes, and you leave in greater curiosity, too, young lady. And I'll be worse off than you are. Because I sold that real utrio for just that price and sent it out not two minutes before you walked in to a man who phoned the old goat himself to Francis Xavier Wick. What? He said he wanted it wrapped as a Christmas gift. He was going to present it to a woman named Charity. To friend. Oh, look, Brooksie, we're out of order. Curiosity killed a cat. George. That woman's coming back. Mr. Valentine, Mr. Frain seems to be busy right now. She's on the hall telephone talking to an art dealer back in town. Oh, yeah. Well, we only came out here to the hovel to find out. Oh, you're quite welcome. There have been guests coming and going all evening. It's Christmas here. Didn't you know? How could we forget? Mr. Wick was ill at the real Christmas time. But of course, he can't celebrate it unless we. He can get out of bed. Unless he can dress up as Santa Claus. Oh, well, that explains part. Unless he can give presents and receive them in person. Wouldn't be Christmas without people, would it? Wouldn't be anything without people, would it? Around him all the time. His court is fools. Oh, well, come in, come in. Join the party. The great man has just served liqueurs. Perhaps you'd like some. Join me in a creme de mons. Maybe you'd rather have hemlock. Oh, wait a minute. Look here, we know we're prying. We only want to find. You came out to warn Mr. Frayne that Mr. Wick, what he was up to. Of course. Well, I'm sorry. She's already found out. She's crying with embarrassment. And she's at the telephone trying to buy the most expensive painting in the gallery for Mr. Wick. She's. Oh, it makes less and less sense. You see, all the paintings around here, Mr. Frayne has bought many of them. Real ones. Thousands and thousands of dollars of gifts to him in years past. So this year she got caught trying to give him a pony. That's all. I'm not sorry for her. I get it. She hates him. But why does she give him things at all? What's he do? Blackmail people? Oh, blackmail Mr. Valentine. He tortures people. I say, have you seen him anywhere? He served the drinks and then went out for a minute. And I've got to be running Back to. Oh, Mr. Carlo, of course. I haven't seen him. I've been here for an hour myself. He hasn't even spoken to me. I'm sorry, Mrs. Wick. I didn't know. Hold it. Hold it, please. Your Mrs. Wick. Well, who did you think I was? A dear, Dear friend, like Mr. Keller here? Like Charity Dufresne? Mr. Valentine, do you know what this man gave my husband? Tonight, a Cadillac, if you don't mind, Mrs. Wick. Oh, yes, it embarrasses him. It embarrasses all of them. Well, come in here under the Christmas tree. If you can stand the hideous green light, I'll show you the biggest pile of blue. Mrs. Wick, forget it, will you, please? January, Christmas for Santa Claus. Diamond cigarette lighters, statues, paintings, money. And all from torture. Mr. Valentine. Just lying there. I saw him just lying there. The door to the bathroom. That hideous Santa Claus. Be quiet. Mr. Fringe. Lying on his face the side of the door. Wick. Francis. Yeah, let me. I'll give you a hand if I could turn him over. He must have fainted. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, yeah. We'd better move him. But if his pulse means anything, Santa Claus Wick is dead. We'll return to tonight's adventure of George Valentine in just a moment. Did you know that 60% of all auto repairs can be avoided? Yes, 60%. When motorists follow one simple rule. Bring in your car for chassis lubrication every 1000 miles. When you get a chassis lubrication for your car at your standard station or independent Chevron gas station at regular intervals, you're money ahead. These men Service More than 50 different wear spots that can cause trouble when neglected. And they take the time to do it right. It's a car saver service that assures longer car life and a smoother cushioned ride free of squeaks and rattles. And note this. If your car has an automatic transmission, you'll get the correct factory approved fluid for lubricating this precision made unit. So avoid repair bills, Keep your car young. Every 1,000 miles, get chassis lubrication service at an independent Chevron gas station or a standard station. For they say and mean we take better care of your car. Now back to tonight's adventure of George Valentine. Francis Xavier Wick, the columnist, the gossip, the collector of rounded anecdotes. The man who this year was celebrating Christmas in January. And why? Apparently because he likes to collect presents too. He wouldn't miss Christmas for anything. Well, if your name is George Valentine, you wouldn't either. Yes, by now you've learned enough about the man in the Santa Claus suit. No, that his vast collection of friends and retainers are not exactly loyal to him. In fact, one of them has just murdered him. Murder George? Well, there's no blood angel. No marks on the back of his head under the couch. Don't touch him, Mr. Keller. I'll do that. Whatever you say, it wouldn't be surprising if he were murdered, I suppose. People all around him, always with him. And yet easily the most disliked man in the world. You should know, Mr. Keller. I understand you gave him a car tonight as a gift. I'd rather not incriminate myself, if you don't mind. Well, I don't like to disturb the mask and whiskers, but. George. Yeah? His face. It's not Mr. Wick at all. It's the court jester, the fool. It's Jukes who's been murdered. Poisoned. Look at his face. But where is Francis Xavier? Wicked. But I saw Wick, I tell you, before he put on that ridiculous costume. Or rather, he had just part of it on. When was that? Half an hour earlier, I suppose. I don't. No, it was before Mr. Frame got here. What about the other guests? The. The people who brought all those other presents? They'd gone. They'd already left. Just who are you? Mr. Keller? What are you doing here? What? Good heavens, man, I'm a banker. But that doesn't have anything to do with it. For some reason you give huge gifts every Christmas to Mr. Wick. Just like Mr. Frain, like the others. Well, stop harping on it. It's a fact, that's all. I'm certainly not going to explain it. Why should I? I didn't try to kill the man. Well, somebody who was left in the house must have. All right. But it's Jukes who's dead, not Wick. Uhuh. And you can't even tell me when they changed parts. When Jukes started playing Santa Claus. No, no, what of it? Charity Defrain told you where we all were. And now confirm it. Mr. Valentine. Mr. Valentine? Yeah, right here, Mrs. Wick. The little summer house, the studio out where he does his work. Come on, I'll get your breath. What's the matter? I found him. You what? My husband. He's unconscious. Oh. Oh, leave me alone. I'm fine. I said I'm fine. I'm fit as a grave digger. Shovel. You twisted my ankle when I fell, that's all. Now stop pawing at me, Janet. You're my wife, not my secretary. Stop talking, you two. The side door out there is open and there's blood on the floor where you were. Blood is from my head. Very high quality. I fell because I was struck. And I was struck because the worm turned. That's why. The worm. Ms. Brooks, all my life I've pampered myself by having a retainer. Someone night and day like Janet here. I've never been a well man and besides, the mutual amuses me to watch lackeys work. Buster, why don't you? It was Jukes who hit me, you cretin. Who else would it be? Oh, yeah, Jukes. Go on, go on. I was wearing a Santa Claus suit, as I recall. Where is it? On him. You say he called me out here to the studio. He knocked me out. A child could deduce that. He took my suit. Now you wake me up saying he's dead. Well, well, well, so be it. Oh, wretched, rash, intruding fool. Farewell, thou wert taken for thy better. Well, don't stare at me. I'm disappointed in him, that's all. But we shouldn't judge the worm just because he turned. The temptation was just too great, I suppose. There's over a hundred thousand dollars worth of gifts in there under that Christmas tree. And a brand new car outside to make a getaway in. Can you blame him for wanting to step into my shoes? Okay, okay, Mr. Wake. Two and two is four. He knocked you out intending to take your place so he could collect the last couple of gifts and get by the servants on his way out. Only who poured those drinks, George? I didn't. I assure you. Jukes did. It must have been he. That's when I came into the house. And I was so upset because he wouldn't even speak to me. I thought it was you, Francis. He passed around drinks and wouldn't even speak to me. And I suppose you wept copious tears into your usual creme de mar. Well, it's logical he would have served drinks to cover not talking. And they were left standing. I remember that too. He left them for quite a time to open a present. Anyone could have touched them. Well, what's the matter with you? I was thinking what beautiful story it is will all make particularly the ending. Well, laugh out of the other side of your face, Busty. Somebody wanted to kill you and didn't succeed. Exactly what I mean. That's the most fascinating part. Read my column tomorrow, young man. Oh, I'll give you something to read. You too, Mrs. Wick. There were only three people who could have tampered with a drink. You, Mr. Keller and Charity Duane. They both hate Francis. I'm sure either one. Teller and Charity both agree. They were together all that time. Oh, George. Yeah, that's right, you heard me. They gave each other alibis. Listen. That must be the police car coming. I'd better get over to the main house to George Grabber. Why? Police will be here in a second. She won't Go far. What on? Besides, I want to straighten this guy before they come. Oh, you mean you're going to carry me back to the house? Good. I don't want to miss any fun. And my ankle will. $100,000 worth of gifts from people who hate you. But it isn't blackmail, because you give them gifts, too. And you make them play a farce like this. Christmas in January. Mr. Valentine, I'm so pleased that you figured me out. People are contemptible. I despise them. Oh, yeah. Famous people, rich people. You like to watch them suffer. I know where their bodies are buried. Keller, charity, all of them. Blackmail? No, I've never threatened anything. We just exchange gifts. And the most contemptible and amusing thing about people is their willingness to believe that I ever would write what I know about them. They're afraid. They never know. And so they really are blackmailing themselves. I think you must be the most horrible man who ever lived. Skip it, Brooksie. Come on. He's cleared it up. Let's go. So long, Wake. Oh, Valentine, wait. You're not going to leave me. Why not? Oh, because somebody still wants to kill you. Well, that doesn't bother you, does it? You were laughing about it a minute ago. Ridiculous. Of course not. But now, see here. With this angle, you're comfortable. Just relax. Police will get around to you later on. See you in the morning. Read my column for the last chapter, Valentine. Brooksie, this is one case that I don't particularly care if I ever. What's the matter, George? I don't want to. Listen. Just the police car in the driveway, that's all. Oh, I'm way, way wrong. That guy's quicker than I am. What? I mean, wait a minute here. George, there's somebody. All right. Mrs. Wick. George, look out. She's got a gun. Drop that thing, lady. Drop. That's better. Leave me alone. You get out of my way. Going back out there to that studio with a gun, huh? He can't do things like that to people. He can't treat them. What you mean he can't treat you like that? I don't care about me. Look at her eyes. Mrs. Wick. Mrs. Wick, listen to me. You're going out there because you think he killed Jukes. Isn't that right? You don't know how he could have done it, but somehow you think he must be responsible. You said you felt the other two had alibis. And if you knew that you didn't do it, then you assume that he has to be behind it. Like he's behind everything else in the world. Sticking in pin. Adored me. I've got to know. Come on, then. I'll take you there without the gun. We'll wrap this up before anybody else gets hurt. Francis, Georgie's on the floor. What's the matter with. Perfectly all right, young lady. Francis, you're white as a sheep. Don't go pawing at me again. This stupid man. Man running off. I'm not stupid anymore, buster. But here. Get up. Come on. Now. You're all right. All right. One thing at a time. Jukes killed himself. What? All the police will be there. There'll be all kinds of evidence. Fingerprints on the glass. You figured that out too, didn't you, Wick? Isn't that the story you were going to write? We're laughing about to Valentine. I shall write my friends in Scotland Yard about. No, no, wait. Why. Why on earth would jukes kill himself? Mrs. Wick, do you drink green creme de mar? What? Oh, well, yes. Jukes took over Santa Claus Beard. In order to get away with his sack full of loot, right? He'd already slugged your husband here. Well, how do you think he felt when you walked in the door? Church? I don't get it at all, Mrs. Wick. It was only a matter of minutes before he knew you'd recognize he wasn't the right guy, despite the pillows and beard. So maybe the. The ex pharmacist got a little desperate. You never drank your drink, by the way, did you? I remember you holding it. You mean it was poisoned? You mean he was? Jack, will you let the man talk? His syntax is execrable, but his luck. It's all a guess, but it's a good one. The connoisseur here likes trombooi. Like women. It should be strong to the senses, but easy to see through. Oh, quote. But you should know about that. Playing Wick. He'd make his own buoy. But he left the drinks for a few minutes, you said. And the drinks were in by the Christmas tree. George, what in the name of the world are you talking? By the Christmas tree, Brooksie. And when he picked one up, he picked up the wrong drink. The creme de month meant for you, Mrs. Wick. We can check. We'll find out. But how could he mistake a green creme de mar? I know, I know. Yeah. Drom buoy is almost white. But there were only green lights in there on that Christmas tree. Don't you know what happens to anything green when it's matched by a green light? The Color cancels out. It turns white. Bravo, Mr. Valentine. A very well rounded story. White Christmas in January. Yeah, and much to my regret, there's probably nothing I can hang to. You, Mr. Wicked. All right. Come on, Mrs. Wick. Oh, no, you don't, Janet. He doesn't have to order you around, you know. Not anymore. What? Janet, Maybe he wouldn't have to pick on other people if you could control him. The people he despises so much. Come back here. Don't leave me. You know, he'd already figured this crime out. So a few minutes ago. Why did we find him so scared? Why? Janet, will you do as I said? The acid bath man who's had a lackey attend him night and day all his life. Always people, people. Janet. Janet, don't listen. Haven't you ever wondered about that, Mrs. Wick? And why his hatred of people? You've been his wife, but I'll bet you haven't even noticed. He never gave you a chance to. All you'd ever have to do to gain the upper hand is just walk away from me. Come back here. Don't leave me. Come back. I must go back. Look, he's a case. Can't be without people terrified of being alone. Remember that. Okay, Mrs. White. Go on back. You can have him. Oh, George. I don't envy her the job. Yeah, well, he. He's rounded out his own story, hasn't he? Letting us see such a queer pair of clay feet. Well, he won't give Christmas parties anymore, I bet. George, that color business, I mean. Well, it proved to be true and everything. But you're so unobservant generally. How did I get it? You really want to know? Well, Brooksie, in there by the Christmas tree earlier, I. I happen to notice something, that's all. Something about you. Me? Yeah. Then later on, it clicked. The color of your eyes. What that light did to the blue in them. Oh, George, really. Well, I never see you noticing. Well, I did. I like to look at you do it Quite often, as a matter of fact. Is that all right? Oh, darling. You know something? I'm not even going to tell you that my eyes are really hazel. Listen to the difference. In a few seconds you will hear Geiger counters measuring automobile engine wear. The engines are equipped with irradiated piston rings which make it possible for the Geiger counter to detect wear as it occurs. You will hear authentic scientific proof that new RPM motor oil cuts in half the wear rate of critical engine parts. Doubles the life of the average auto engine. Between major overhauls due to lubrication. First let's listen to the Geiger counter. Slowly click off the low wear rate of new rpm. Now the much faster wear rate of a premium type oil as designated by the American Petroleum Institute. Now new RPM again. You have just heard Geiger counters clicking off the scientific proof that new RPM motor oil is years ahead. Yes, years ahead. New RPM doubles engine life between major overhauls due to lubrication. Try it sold with a money back guarantee of satisfaction at independent Chevron gas stations and Standard stations where they say and mean we take better care of your car. Tonight's Adventure of George Valentine is brought to you by Standard Oil Co. Of California on behalf of independent Chevron gas stations and standard stations throughout the West. Robert Bailey has starred as George with Virginia Greg as Brooksie. Let George do it as written by David Victor and Jackson Gillis and directed by Don Clark. Larry Dobkin was heard as Wick, Lee Patrick as Janet, Shirley Mitchell as Charity, John Dana as the salesman and Ted Decor as Keller. The music is composed and presented by Eddie Dunstetter. Your announcer, John Heaston. Listen again next week, same time, same station to Let George Do It. Let George do it as heard overseas through the worldwide facilities of the Armed Forces Radio Service. This is the Mutual Dan Lee Broadcasting System. We just heard Suspense, the Damon Runyon Theater and Let George Do It. That will do it for this episode. Thanks so much for joining me. However, this doesn't bring the holiday celebration to a close. I'll be back on Tuesday, Christmas Eve with a king sized Old Time Radio Holiday special featuring a mix of shows that celebrate the season. In the meantime, you can check out Starz on Suspense, my other Old Time Radio podcast. There's a holiday special coming this week on that show as well, a compilation of Christmas themed thrillers from suspense. If you like what you're hearing, don't be a stranger. You can rate and review the show in Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. And if you'd like to lend support to the show, you can visit buymeacoffee.com Meansts OTR next time, an Old Time Radio Christmas. Until then, good night and happy listening. Now here is our star, Vincent Price. Ladies and gentlemen. In a prejudice filled America, no one will would be secure in his job, his business, his church or his home. Yet racial and religious antagonisms are exploited daily by quacks and adventurers whose followers make up the irresponsible lunatic fringe of American life. Refuse to listen to or spread rumors against any race or religion. Help to stamp out prejudice in our country. Let's judge our neighbors by the character of their lives alone and not on the basis of their religion or origin.