Uncle Si Gets Roasted by Tim Hawkins

Summary

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Podcast Summary

Duck Call Room – "Uncle Si Gets Roasted by Tim Hawkins"
Original air date: October 16, 2025
Hosts: Si Robertson, Justin Martin, John-David Owen, John Godwin, Jay Stone, Phillip McMillan, Jacob Mayo
Guest: Tim Hawkins (comedian)

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Episode Overview

This episode brings comedian Tim Hawkins into the raucous world of the Duck Commander crew for a rollicking conversation. Centered around light-hearted storytelling and gentle roasting, the episode bounces from tales of Southern culture, childhood football misadventures, and backyard hunting lore, to the joys and absurdities of family life, clean bathrooms, and the ever-controversial topic of bidets. Hawkins fits into the room’s camaraderie, poking fun at Southern idiosyncrasies and getting his turn to roast and be roasted by Uncle Si and the boys.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Setting the Tone: Laughter, Not Depth

• The crew opens by noting their role is comic relief, not deep introspection.
  • "We are your escape from the real world for 50 minutes and then we tell you that Jesus loves you at the end." — Justin Martin (01:22)
• Tim Hawkins is quickly introduced and welcomed, with quips about past episodes forgetting to introduce guests.

2. Southern Churches, Culture, and Backroads Observations

• Tim discusses touring churches, noticing how denominational identity is less prominent now.
• Funny remarks fly about small-town churches, hunting, and local planet fitness gyms always being empty—and near a Pizza Hut (04:21).
• The crew riffs: “You go in there and there's a couple hundred treadmills. Nobody's on them.” — Tim Hawkins (06:13)

3. Si’s High School Football Glory and Military “Morale Moves”

• Uncle Si shares how, despite his height (6'3") as a teen, he was too skinny for sports but didn’t let that curb his enthusiasm.
  • "I was the meanest man on the ball field and the stupidest because I mean stupid. I would hit anybody." — Si Robertson (07:31)
• Si tells a wild tale of repeatedly taking down the opposing team’s juggernaut during a 77–14 loss, and then a nerve-wracking postgame encounter in the shower room (09:01–13:44).
• The story cements Si’s underdog attitude and leads to a running joke: “That was my best game. We got beat like 77 to 14.” — Si (08:54)

4. Regional Roasting: Louisiana’s Weirdness

• Tim, visiting from Missouri, asks the crew to explain Louisiana’s unique “country, kind of French” identity (16:41).
• The crew describes Northern vs. Southern Louisiana, how accents and food (like Cajun Reeboks—white rubber boots) mark the tribes.
  • “Louisiana is a tale of about at least two cultures, but probably three.” — Justin Martin (18:13)
  • “If you go south of I-10, they can cook.” — Martin (19:51)
• Memorable moment: Discussion about eating “anything you kill,” but alligator is “too stout” (20:31–20:36).

5. Southern Wild Game Cuisine

• Squirrel is the crew’s delicacy of choice.
  • “That’s my favorite wild game.” — Si (24:52)
  • The detailed discussion covers preparation (young ones fried, old ones in gravy) and Si’s grandmother’s method of keeping squirrel heads to identify age (25:16–26:09).
• Extended dry wit about the freezer revealing your character: “Somebody’s freezer is a great way to know who they are.” — Justin Martin (28:16)

6. Tim’s Confession: Never Hunted

• Tim admits he’s never been hunting, despite his rural roots.
  • “I have never hunted. Ever.” — Tim Hawkins (29:35)
• The crew reassures him, offering to take him and his sons duck hunting.
• A famous Bill Clinton anecdote: Clinton tells Willie Robertson why Duck Dynasty “worked”—because “it was real” (30:49–31:10).

7. Hunting: Alligators, Bears, and Squirrel Brains

• The guys describe various hunting traditions, the “passive” way to hunt alligators, and why hunting bears is left to others.
  • “I don’t like hunting things that can hunt me.” — Justin Martin (34:28)
• Revelations about eating practices (“the head’s left on squirrels to tell their age”) provide irresistibly odd details.

8. Uncle Si’s Music Career and Tim’s Red-Headed Rock Star Aspirations

• Si reminisces about his traveling band, “Uncle Si & The Psychotics,” with the infamous track “Chicken Pudding” (37:34–38:36).
• Tim jokes red-haired guys can’t be rock stars, but volunteers his guitar skills for comedic effect.
  • “Without a guitar, you’re doing just fine.” — Tim to Si (43:39)

9. Church Antics: Loud Worship, Flutes, and Instrumental Debates

• Stories about surprise instruments at church, with a running gag over what constitutes a “joyful noise” (44:00–45:53).
  • “God said, hey. Make a loud, joyful noise.” — Si (45:19)
• They debate scriptural backing for being “loud” during worship, referencing various Bible translations.

10. Parenting, Grandparenting, and Plumbing Woes

• Tim and the crew compare notes on the mess and humility of fatherhood and grandfatherhood.
  • “Having kids is like being at a water park you can’t leave. It’s really fun, but you can’t leave. And you’re always wet.” — Tim Hawkins (50:00)
• The inevitability of becoming a “plumber” as a parent is discussed, with exchanges about bidets, heated toilet seats, and “bid-yeas” (51:40–52:17).

11. Everyday Southern Life: Buc-ee’s and Bidets

• The conversation devolves into the joys of gas station smorgasbords, mascots, and the miracle that is the well-appointed BUC-EE’s restroom.
  • “A bidet and a USB port; you set up an office!” — Tim (56:41)

12. Memorable Closing and Bible Verse

• The episode closes as always with a Bible encouragement, this time from Psalm 100 (57:18).
  • “Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness; come before him with joyful songs.” — Bible verse (57:23)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Louisiana identity:
  Tim Hawkins (16:41):
  “Louisiana is something I don’t quite understand. Tough nut to crack.”

• On Si’s football career:
  Si Robertson (07:31):
  “I was the meanest man on the ball field and the stupidest because I mean stupid. I would hit anybody.”

• On food culture:
  Si Robertson (20:18):
  “If you kill it, you grill it.”

• On grandparenting vs. performing:
  Tim Hawkins (50:00):
  “Having kids is like being at a water park you can’t leave. It’s really fun, but you can’t leave. And you’re always wet.”

• On churches and joyful noise:
  Si Robertson (45:19):
  “God said, hey. Make a loud, joyful noise.”

• Roasting Si’s music career:
  Martin (38:07):
  “The people that listen to that, they don’t have Spotify. Oh, they got cassette.”

• On bidets:
  Tim Hawkins (51:44):
  “They should call it a bid-yay.”

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 00:58–03:23: Setting the room’s silly tone; Tim is introduced.
• 04:09–06:49: Observing Southern churches, gyms, and towns.
• 07:04–10:38: Si’s football “David vs. Goliath” story.
• 16:41–21:20: Trying to explain Louisiana’s regional quirks.
• 24:52–26:09: Detailed explanation of squirrel hunting and grandma’s culinary “methods.”
• 29:35–31:10: Tim confesses he’s never hunted; Clinton’s Duck Dynasty wisdom.
• 37:34–39:07: Uncle Si’s music career and “Chicken Pudding.”
• 44:00–45:53: Church antics and the debate over “joyful noise.”
• 50:00–52:17: Parenting, grandkids, and plumbing mishaps.
• 56:00–57:06: Buc-ee’s and bathroom technology jokes.
• 57:18–57:36: Closing Bible verse: Psalm 100.

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Tone & Style

Throughout, the hosts and guest riff with quick banter, gentle sarcasm, and storyteller’s charm. The mood is nostalgic, salty, and rarely tidy, embracing the comedic chaos and odd truths of Southern life. Even the episode’s “roast” is more affectionate than brutal, blending tall tales and good-natured ribbing.

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For New Listeners

This episode is quintessential Duck Call Room: irreverent, hilarious, and full of homespun wisdom. Whether you’re into Southern hunting lore or just love good-natured banter, you’ll leave with a smile—and maybe a new appreciation for bidets, squirrel brains, and what makes Louisiana wonderfully weird.

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For more Tim Hawkins: Visit timhawkins.net to see his tour dates and comedy clips.

Like what you heard?
Catch more Duck Call Room episodes for a dose of family, laughter, and the occasional gospel reminder—shallow end only.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

You know, I was listening on the Shame Last Night podcast. This is not as deep.

[B]

No, this is. Oh, no, we're gonna have a Bible verse at the end.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. We don't know that deep. We kind of keep it light.

[A]

I mean, it was. It was insanely deep.

[B]

No, no, no, no. We.

[D]

Yeah, no, we're not.

[A]

We're throwing it down. It was pretty impressive.

[D]

No, they're. They're very much deep. We very much stay in the shallow end.

[B]

We are your escape from the real world for 50 minutes and then we tell you that Jesus loves you at the end.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And sometimes in the middle.

[C]

Yeah. We're in for fun and laughter.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

I don't go deep because then it gets serious and then it gets.

[A]

Well, I think we. Seems like we're four guys that kind of. You're at the. At the party or the get together. Like, this is getting a little bit, you know, dry.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we get yelled at for everything's a joke.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, we did.

[B]

We get.

[D]

We got that. Yeah. And then we also end up. Everybody looks for us, but we've all left without telling anybody goodbye. Yeah, that's kind of the way we do things.

[C]

Yeah. We don't hang around.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you guys, like, at a party? Are you, like, just watching folks and, like, are you the center of attention or.

[D]

No, I'm all. I'm the observer. Yeah. Yeah. I sit back and then find out who. Who looks like I may want to talk to. But more importantly, I look and try to figure out who I want to avoid.

[A]

A good part of me is just that there's a bowl of M and M'S.

[D]

Oh God. What kind?

[A]

I still get excited. Any kind. Any kind. I do the M M500. You take a handful, you walk around the room, get another handful.

[D]

Yeah. That way nobody really knows how many you got.

[A]

It's like. Does anybody see these here?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Speaking of, we have a guest.

[D]

Yeah, we have a guest.

[B]

The people listening are like, who's this guy?

[D]

Yeah, am I any.

[B]

We haven't introduced him. One time we went a whole episode. We never said our gu. Guest name and they had no idea who he was. We're not doing that today.

[A]

I love that.

[D]

Who was that?

[B]

Clay.

[D]

Oh, Clay.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

He's just a part time model. If you go in academy, he's at the front door with great hair.

[D]

Hey, he's now. He's now on our neutrophone too because he's worried about his balding.

[B]

So hair like that. Anyway, it's Tim Hawkins.

[A]

I feel honored. First two minutes we got your name in there, man.

[D]

Well, we just cotton. I didn't even know we were technically rolling yet. So we just been talking chit chat and using some pretty good material I feel like beforehand. But I'm sure the camera roll.

[B]

I think that's why Hunter started the clock.

[D]

Yeah, he didn't want to. He didn't want to get caught but. Tim, welcome. What brings you to the big town of West.

[A]

My career's on fire. Oh, and I'm at the First Baptist Church. I believe in West Monroe and I said it right? Monroe, right.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Mon. Not Monroe. First West Monroe.

[D]

Monroe. Monroe and yeah.

[C]

First.

[A]

The First Baptist.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So first west.

[A]

We're. Yeah. So just on. Just a fall tour and.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Megan Baptist laugh.

[D]

Huh?

[A]

Well, whoever wants to show up. Yeah, you know, it's fun. It's like now nowadays you go to most of these churches mostly non denominator. You have no idea what denomination these places are. You know, back in the day you can walk into a building, you're like, well this is Methodist, this is this and that. But now everybody just kind of the same.

[B]

Everybody.

[A]

Everybody's just still. Maybe not in West Monroe, but they're.

[D]

They've taken a lot of names off the building. Do you still know if you were born here? You still know what it started as, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You're still very much aware there was probably some pew jumping going on here or. Yeah, you know that kind of stuff. It's pretty.

[A]

Well now I used to live in.

[D]

We.

[A]

We lived in East Texas for. In the 90s for a few years and. Tyler.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And so one of our Good Zoo. My.

[B]

He's in St. Louis.

[D]

Good Zoo.

[B]

I know where the good zoos are, man. Tyler really does have a good zoo, though.

[D]

Yeah, they got a good.

[B]

It's one of the better ones.

[D]

But you know what you don't need for a zoo, but you do need to go hunting. A duck stamp. And if you get on duck stamp.com you can get the all new digital duck stamp and check it out. I mean, Tim not a big hunter. I don't think if he does, he doesn't post it. But if you need a duck stamp, we got you duck stamp dot com. Duck gets all new digital duck stamp. No more tickets from the game wardens.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. But we just. For fun, we would just go. Because in East Texas and probably in this part of the country, there's these backwoods churches that you just need to go and you're just in a movie.

[C]

Most of the time. If you went through a town and actually really dove around and look how many, you know, different denominations there are in. Surprised you.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

And I'm talking about just a little bit of country town.

[D]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

You go through there and then when you sell a good case, you know, I mean, buildings. Take your church building so they'll call is in this town.

[D]

Yeah. My favorite part is the churches Tim's describing are the ones that have paid me to come do an event there. I've been in some of them. Like church down this road. Like, where are we going? Out in the middle of a pine thicket. You just come up and there's a little white building and. Yeah. You know, I'm amazed at how every.

[A]

Not only dollar generals are everywhere, but Planet Fitness.

[B]

A lot of plan. I've never been to Planet Fitness here.

[D]

Of course you do a couple of them. I think 2.

[A]

See how you go in there and there's a couple hundred treadmills. Nobody's on them. Yeah, but they're just opening them up all the time.

[B]

The Planet Fitness in Monroe has a Pizza Hut in the parking lot.

[C]

Yeah. Hey, if that stuff are cheap.

[A]

What?

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't get it.

[D]

Oh, I thought you talking about Pizza Hut. They were giving that stuff away by now that.

[B]

Remember the buffet? We're going down the road.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

I'm not. I'm not. Kim, we got one down here on Cypress Street.

[B]

A what?

[C]

One of them fitness deal.

[B]

Do you go?

[C]

No, I just drive by and I see all that equipment in there and ain't a soul in the joint.

[D]

Well, you could join aside.

[A]

What did you. What do you do for fitness? What do you do for fitness?

[D]

I don't know if you want, I don't know if you noticed him, but he took that oxygen off before we got started, so. But he's very, he's very, he's very active, so.

[C]

Yeah, well, hey, for my age, I am active.

[B]

That's what puts you in the hospital.

[C]

I film a lot, you know, I do this a lot.

[A]

Okay, well, I. I got a question side. Now I know that Phil was an athlete. Now were you?

[C]

I played, but I was too little.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He was only 6:3. So it's hard.

[C]

Well, no, no, but I only weighed 130 pounds.

[B]

That's a different looking human.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

I was the meanest man on the ball field and the stupidest because I mean stupid. I would hit anybody.

[B]

It's a good combo. Unless you're 6 3, 1 3.

[C]

Because if I'd have been like Phil had his weight, his height, all that.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'd have got a scholarship.

[B]

Oh yeah, you. Weren't you taller than Phil?

[A]

If I lived on the North Pole and had elves working for me. Yeah, that'd be Santa Claus.

[D]

Yeah. Ifs and buts were.

[A]

Did you play basketball or was just football?

[C]

Oh, basketball too.

[A]

Just whatever came up.

[D]

Let's see.

[C]

I played it all, but I wasn't good at any of it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

The only thing I was good at was downfield blocking.

[D]

What that means he'd get rolled up and they'd have to step over him.

[C]

Oh, oh no.

[D]

He could clear a path.

[B]

You weren't here the other day when Ms. Christine, his wife was here and she told us he had to. He got moved in the military one time because he was 24 and a half years in the military, Took a nap every day. He got moved just for morale.

[C]

Morale?

[D]

Well, yeah, they brought him. Why do you think he's still here?

[B]

No, no, we will just make them happy. That's why he was good at football. He just made everybody happy on the sidelines. They'd be getting beat 40 to nothing and. But they were still all having a good time.

[D]

But we got sigh.

[C]

No, no, that was my best game. We got beat like 77 to 14.

[A]

Your best game?

[C]

Yeah, that was my best game because, hey, the kickoff, man, I cartwheel that joker 11 times.

[A]

You cartwheeled him?

[C]

Yeah. What does that mean? I knocked him off his feet, okay.

[B]

Because they scored 11 touchdowns. I just took out and he was.

[A]

Probably running off the field. He wasn't.

[D]

Oh, he's been over picking up his tea.

[C]

No, he wasn't running anywhere when the game was over, okay? Because, hey, I had flipped that joker, okay? Because look, here was. He was a football God. Who's that perfect built, okay, like six, four.

[A]

Wait, who's that? Who was the perfect.

[C]

The kickoff man.

[A]

Kickoff man.

[C]

So he'd kick it off, and as soon as the guy caught it, he'd just kill him, you know?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

So Coach Zagas showed him. Showed him kicking off about five times and tackled him. He just turned the film off, you know, Here I am sitting there, okay? They watered me down with all my equipment, and I was soaking wet, and I weigh 130 pounds, okay?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Coach Dager said, hey, first order of business, someone has got to get this guy off his feet. So everybody's sitting there, you know, Nobody said nothing. So I said, hey, Coach, I'll get him if you leave me at my position on end. Well, they all fell off the beaches and was laughing on the floor and everything. Took him about 15 minutes to get over it. And I said, hey. I waited for some of you dummies to say something. You didn't. So, hey, if he lets me be where I'm at on the kickoff team, I said, I'll get the boy.

[D]

So you were. David.

[A]

David. I was going to say David and Goliath.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

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[B]

My Rocket Money tracks me like a hound dog. Cause I don't track myself. I got this new store I really like. Yeah, Rocket Money's like, hey, bro, chill. But it keeps me reminds me like.

[D]

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[C]

Hey, I got him 11 times. Okay, so the game's over. We go in. We used to have a. It's kind of like a saloon. Swinging doors for showers, right? Well, we had done the clown around, tore them off. So, you know, this is a double door deal. So look, I'm running in there and I look like, you know, I hadn't aged for, you know, six months. Yeah, skinny bones. Well, hey, there's a voice says, hey, who's number 22? And when I look up, both of them double doors, nobody else can walk in.

[D]

What?

[C]

Cause this dude is covering it all.

[D]

It's the kicker.

[C]

And he's the kicker. Look, there ain't a spot of skin on him nowhere. He looks like he's a gorilla, right? Just hair everywhere, muscle everywhere.

[B]

A real esau.

[C]

Yeah, well, he's asking people, hey, who's number 22? Well, I finally arranged offer, and he stepped in the deal. And I'll slip out by him.

[B]

Are you. Are you naked in all this?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Okay. Just.

[A]

Just slid by. Just.

[B]

Yeah, for the visual effect.

[C]

Yeah, I slid by quickly too. Okay. So they said, hey. The guys in the shower said, hey, that was him that just slipped by.

[A]

It was me.

[D]

I hit you, sir.

[C]

Y. Hey, look, so multiple times. Hey, I'm at my slot, you know, putting on my civvies. This guy walk. He's, you know, he's looking at my number.

[B]

He just called his after game. Close. Civilian wear.

[A]

I believe that was givvies, but he's seen them.

[C]

My number.

[D]

Hey, Mrs.

[C]

He's in my jersey.

[B]

22.

[C]

He said, you can't be 22, right? And I said, well, I mean, these are my clothes. That's my uniform. Yeah, I'm 22.

[D]

You won't say something? No.

[C]

He said, well, he said, I might probably wouldn't be able to get out of bed no more. He said, I ain't never been hit. So Hard so many times stop scoring. And by a little old bitty to be class school.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Because that was triple A. Yeah. Right now they matter of fact, they won championship that year.

[B]

Well, there's no way to prove it.

[D]

So y' all were homecoming. Y' all were the homecoming game or something.

[C]

I don't know. But we got stumped. Yeah, well, I did get that clown 11 times.

[D]

There you go.

[B]

Do you got any good football story?

[A]

There you go. Not I. It sets a high bar.

[C]

No, I love to play football, but I just wasn't big enough.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, me too.

[C]

That's too little. Yeah.

[A]

You get to the point where you got guys you're playing with in high school, they got mustaches and kids in the stands.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You know.

[D]

Yeah, we had a couple.

[B]

You had like a full beard in high school, probably.

[D]

No, I couldn't because West Monroe didn't allow that. What about if you showed up with facial hair? They gave you the disposable razor and in the hair.

[C]

Oh, they pull the old military.

[D]

Oh, yeah. You were. You were. You treated it like a business.

[C]

Basically, that's pull the old military Deer here, shave at your car.

[D]

Yeah. Well, when you traveled, you didn't travel in jeans. You traveled in khakis and button downs and all that stuff. So.

[B]

Yeah, I wouldn't have made it go showers. I wasn't very athletic is the reason. But also the clothes.

[D]

Showers.

[A]

Clothes are horrible. They didn't. You know, of course, when we get out of school, that's when they start getting the cool uniforms and clothes and equipment. Plus, back in the day, you played football back there.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Where they thought water was a weakness. So you never get water.

[D]

Well, our water came from hydration. Yeah. Our water came from a PVC pipe with water hose on the window with holes in it. That thing was everybody. Everybody would rush because you were so thirsty. But the more intelligent ones hung back to let that water get cold. To let it at least let it at least not be the temperature of the PVC pipe, you know?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

But yeah, you were about to die. Yeah. If you had to go get water, you were. You were. You were weaker than everybody else. Like, no, I'm just thirsty, man.

[C]

You'll.

[D]

Well, I still make up for it to this day. It's all I drink.

[B]

Very heavy water drinker Justin Martin.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, man.

[D]

Yeah. Those were the days.

[A]

Well, now, I mean, I came. People ask me like, what my favorite place to go work at. Perform at whatever is.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And Louisiana is. Is something I don't quite Understand?

[D]

That's fair. Neither do we.

[A]

Tough nut to crack.

[B]

Well, what's.

[A]

You guys fill me in on what, like, what is. It's just like. It's kind of country, kind of French, kind of. Just figuring out the mentality.

[D]

Yeah. Well, we're the easiest way.

[A]

Very nice.

[D]

But as we are up here, we're technically. If you ask folks about real Louisiana, we are south Arkansas, slash East Texas, slash west Mississippi. Like the Louisiana folks.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Down south don't even claim us.

[B]

Yeah. But they're weird.

[D]

But they cook.

[B]

They're the.

[A]

Okay, yeah. So northern Louisiana.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's like a whole new.

[C]

We're right in the middle.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, yeah. We're like. He said north.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

They Mississippi, you know, but south Louisiana people, they.

[B]

You know.

[C]

That's an entirely different breed.

[A]

Is it like. How should I say?

[B]

Breed?

[A]

Not. Yeah. Florida. Because north Florida.

[B]

Yeah, we're north Florida.

[A]

Leonard Skynyrd, kind of.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Florida's weird too.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Who's not weird? What's the most normal state?

[A]

That's a great question.

[C]

I don't think there's no such thing as normal. Well, with you they all got their little quirks, you know, it's like dogs. Everybody's got their quirks.

[D]

What kind of dog are we?

[C]

Weird stray.

[A]

Weird stray. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. One from the pound. The most normal state. No, Louisiana is a tale of about at least two cultures, but probably three really, if you bullet.

[B]

What's the third one?

[D]

Well, you know, that's most assuredly East Texas.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

The way the Creoles and the Cajuns have a battle of who's who down there, you know, like the French speaking versus the. You know, it's just kind of a White rubber boots versus not and all that kind of stuff down there. So they don't all wear white rubber boots? No, sir. No, sir what?

[A]

White rubber boots.

[B]

Cajun Reeboks, man.

[D]

Yeah. That's what they all work in. Because they crawl fish farms or boats.

[A]

Or so does have to do with the coast. I mean, what are they? Hoity toity Are they are just. Are they what, like, you know, like uppity. Uppity.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

No, nobody in Louisiana really uppity. We're very.

[C]

You got to think about that. The Creoles live in swamps and thrive.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, they.

[A]

They're French, right?

[D]

Yeah, heavy from trappers.

[A]

The old trapper days. Okay. And they. They just thrive. Just live off the land kind of.

[C]

Well, it's a mixture of native Indians and French people.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. So it's a.

[D]

It's a while and then once you get.

[C]

Wow. It was a wild get together.

[D]

Yeah. Once you get like 30 minutes to an hour above it and we just all rednecks then we. We very much.

[A]

See, that's what I'm saying. I like your accent, the way you talk like down now let them all like it's something different than what you guys.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You can. You can peg someone from south of I10 as soon as they open their mouth.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You know them.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. But it also means they can cook. Well, I mean they're. They're. They are what Louisiana is known for. Yeah.

[B]

Most of us don't ask them what's in it.

[D]

Yeah. The general rule is the alligator could.

[A]

Be your own leg.

[D]

Nutra rat like. Yeah. It's a cold non system down there, but it's all pretty good.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You had enough salt, pepper, garlic, you can.

[C]

Oh, I think so. You don't call nothing.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what?

[C]

You don't call nothing from the table. Fair.

[B]

Throw it away.

[A]

You don't throw it away.

[C]

If you say it, you kill it. You grill it.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

No matter how you kill it.

[A]

What's the like so what's the weirdest thing that you eat on a regular.

[C]

Basis that most Alligator. I'm kidding. But alligators too stout.

[A]

Yeah, too stout.

[C]

Meaning just it's got a chewy chicken.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's what it is. Okay. There's not a good part of the alligator. There's not a back strap on an alligator or.

[C]

Well, they tell me if you ain't you getting a young one all that not. Hey this kid just. No alligators out.

[D]

I would say side what probably the most unique thing. It's not unique to us because we all eat it. But to a lot of people would be his affinity for eating the squirrel.

[B]

I was about to say we're going back. Do you find squirrels cute? Just random questions.

[A]

I don't like them. I think they're cute. Well, it's like most animals. I think. I think they're adorable, but I just don't want.

[D]

I just don't think they're anything. I don't think they're. I don't think they're ugly.

[B]

Wait, why don't you like squirrels?

[A]

They're very invasive and little too twitchy.

[C]

They're nervous.

[D]

They are.

[A]

You never hit a squirrel in your car. They always run under your car.

[D]

Most of them make it. It is incredible how many of them make it. The ones you hit are the ones you never see that you didn't even think he was in the existence. The ones in the middle of the road always make it. I don't know how.

[A]

Yeah, I. I'm amazed at like I watch this thing on people who have pets, like exotic pets.

[D]

Oh, man.

[A]

Like around here you probably.

[D]

That is a road. We're very comfortable.

[A]

You're like two, two blocks away. Might be, you know, someone has like a. A puma or something like that. And now in St. Louis, when we several years ago, a lady, she got busted for. She had a lion in her basement. We're talking city. And had the bars on, you know, like a. Like a.

[B]

Like a whole Mufasa situation. Like a big lion.

[A]

A lion. And I think somebody said something about that the lion's teeth were filed down.

[B]

Well, that's rude.

[A]

And I was like, but if you're.

[B]

In a basement, I mean, whose job is that?

[D]

Yeah. And if you're gonna have a lion, let him have his teeth, man. Like that, that kind of thing.

[A]

Well, also, if I get eaten by a lion, I want him to be sharp as possible.

[D]

Yeah. I don't want a line. Yeah, I don. Won't fix a damn.

[C]

Oh, they done dull your dentures, huh?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, I'm not into that.

[B]

Do you remember at Duck Commander Sunday, whenever I was in a bind?

[D]

Yeah, it was hot. It was hot. And you had double change clothes.

[B]

The deodorant. I. I couldn't find it that morning. And I said, thank God we got some mando in the duck call room.

[D]

There you go.

[B]

Taking pictures of people. And I didn't want to be smelly. And turns out I smelled fresh like bourbon leather. The rest of the day I was literally changed shirts three times. But you can never smell me.

[D]

Well, falls that weird time of year. Especially in the south too, right? It starts off cool, then it gets hot during the middle of the day. So you need to freshen up generally. But you don't have to freshen up if you got Mando because it's got 72 hour odor and sweat control. And Mando's new deodorant plus sweat control. Solid stick isn't your typical deodorant. It's two times better at controlling sweat than the standard deodorant. It controls both sweat and odor for 72 hours. And after just 12 hours, underarm sweat was reduced by 92%. This stuff works. Mando just stops odor before it starts. 100% of study participants experienced all day odor protect 100%. They use no harsh chemicals, only premium ingredients to keep you Fresh and dry. And there's no more worrying about sweat stains or embarrassing pit rings. Just all day, freshness and dryness.

[B]

I know what it's like to be the sticky guy. And I know that Mando can keep you from being that.

[D]

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[A]

Yeah, squirrel. I mean, squirrels are where I'm from. It's just a lot of. They get into your attic and just chew wires.

[B]

Jace can fix that. There's no squirrels in our neighborhood anymore.

[A]

How does he do it? What's his trick?

[B]

He eats them.

[A]

Oh, he just eats them?

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That's my favorite wild game.

[B]

We used to have squirrels, right? I haven't seen them lately.

[A]

Just eat them. Like, cook them up. You put any sauce on them, any kind of season.

[C]

Young ones. Kill young ones and fry them up.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

The old ones with fries and gravy and biscuits.

[A]

Okay. I'm just fighting back a little bit. I'm okay. Yeah, just wait. So you just skin it.

[C]

Oh, you. You need it. Love it.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

But that's like anything.

[A]

If you made it, I'd probably like. Because you.

[B]

You'd eat it. I don't know if you'd love it.

[C]

Most people don't know. It's weird how you handle it, you know, after you shoot it. Lifetime, you know.

[D]

Now, squirrel is good. It is certified.

[B]

I can't do it because y' all keep, like, the heads on.

[D]

Well, that's how you know how old they are. Some of them. Some of them you age by how you freeze them. You know, like my grandma. My grandma.

[A]

Are you guys gonna kill me?

[B]

Listen to this. No, no, no.

[C]

Wait for this.

[B]

Wait for his.

[D]

My grandma used to. So my. My grandma, like, Kay. Like now. I never got into this. The brain part of this, right? So. But she kept the heads on all of them after we. You mean she'd skin it all the way down the head. And the old ones would have the eyeballs in them. And the young ones, she'd pop the eyeballs out that way when she knew. When she went to the freezer.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Am I frying them or am I making dumplings with them?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And so I know what you mean.

[A]

Like when I was a kid, we'd have pop tarts.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And I know exactly because mom would take that package off, throw it in the toaster. Yeah, I get it.

[D]

And you knew it was an old one or a young one.

[A]

I get it. It didn't have eyes or anything.

[D]

It was a.

[A]

It was a wonderful frosting.

[D]

I remember once I got old enough.

[A]

Hey, with the.

[B]

They got their own frost.

[A]

You ever, you ever had toaster strudel? Sigh.

[B]

You get to frost them yourself.

[A]

Pastry you put in, they'd have this. Yeah. The.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Icing you.

[B]

You throw away like half of them and just put all that should be.

[A]

The rest of your life. So I just eaten toaster pastries, Toaster strudel, squirrel brains.

[D]

I did finally ask my grandma, once I got old enough to figure out and ask the question, I said, why don't you just write on the bag, old or young? It seems like we got a Sharpie. It's going in a Ziploc. It seems to be a better way than looking in there, seeing eyeballs looking back at me. But I mean, it just.

[C]

No, no, because some people, okay. Will go fishing, okay. Catch it like just a cooler full of brim. Well, they just freeze them whole.

[A]

Okay. What's a brim?

[D]

Bluegill.

[A]

Okay. We have bluegill.

[C]

Yeah. And I mean, you know, when they pull it out of this. Now I ain't eating that.

[D]

Yeah, it's been frozen.

[A]

Oh, you like it fresh? Fresh.

[C]

I'm not going to eat nothing that was frozen with the guts in it.

[A]

Right.

[B]

John Luke fried one with the guts in it.

[D]

Oh, man.

[B]

Willie son caught a fish, decided it was his time to become a man and cook his own fish. It was still alive, still flopping. Cornmeal, 350 degree peanut oil right there. I can't imagine deep fried guts taste good, but he did it.

[A]

Now, you had some meat in this freezer over here. Is that something? Y'?

[B]

All, have you been looking through our freezer?

[A]

That's my. That's what I do. Like if I go to your house, I'm drinking the milk out of the jug. I'm in your bathroom, looking in your medicine cabinet. I'm eating your secrets and, and your.

[D]

So trying a couple of pills, depending on which one I make myself at home.

[B]

Bro, I told you to.

[D]

So, hey, somebody's freezer is a great way to know who they are.

[A]

Really?

[D]

I mean, that's a. That's way better than the medicine cabinet of the old days. Yeah, it looked good.

[A]

I mean, is that what that was, something y' all had?

[D]

Depending. I don't know which one you looked in. We got a couple. There's a.

[A]

Like, it's like dark red meat.

[D]

Yeah. So that may have been the one that's got my. Oh, it's back. Yeah. So that's probably my duck breast that I use for, like, cooking videos and stuff up here. I. I leave a certain am of them up here. So. Yeah, there's. Yeah. Or deer. I mean, there's. There's no telling what it could be. There's. There's turkey breast in there. I know, too. So, yeah, we keep. We keep stuff on hand in case we need to film a quick cooking video.

[B]

I'm nervous now that people are going to look in my freezer. I need to go see what's in there.

[D]

Yeah, it's a. Yeah. I mean, just look in there and see what's in there.

[B]

You judge a person?

[D]

No, I don't judge them, but it does let you know what you're up against. Like, if you go to a hunting camp, too, the first thing I'm doing is looking at freezer and seeing just how. How long some of that stuff has been in there. Because I need to know the last time the power went out at this point. Because if you get something out of there to fall for us to eat, I need to know which disease I may be fighting off. Which round of antibiotics do I need here for whatever is about to get me, you know, like, can I be.

[A]

Real vulnerable with you guys right now?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

We get deep sometimes.

[A]

I have never hunted.

[D]

Ever.

[A]

Ever.

[D]

I thought you were from Missouri.

[A]

Would you guys. Well, I can hit a baseball. I can hit a baseball and I can throw a football and I can play guitar, but I can't. I've never. That was just something we never, never did really.

[D]

Around St. Louis is great. Duck hunt. Yeah.

[B]

It's better than here.

[A]

Like, if I came down, would you take me out? Or one of my boys? Is that something?

[D]

Yeah, sure. Why not?

[B]

I don't mean you don't want to go with me. We will. You will just be sitting in the cold.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you not good or, you know, you don't like it?

[B]

No, I'm Just not good.

[C]

He don't have good contacts of people that has a good. Good place to hunt.

[A]

Is that so? That's the thing.

[B]

Yes, I do. I have the contact that has the contacts.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Now you have contacts.

[D]

Yeah. You're going to struggle in this room to find anybody with more contacts than Johnny D. Is all I got to tell you what. He's got a picture with John Daly. So, you know. And there's another one somewhere with Bill Clinton, but we won't talk about that one too much.

[B]

Let me tell you why.

[D]

Do it.

[B]

Do it, Martin. Bill Clinton looked at Willie Robertson. I love Doug Dynasty. Well, he said, no, you don't. He goes, oh, I watched all the time.

[A]

I did.

[B]

You forget I'm from Arkansas. And he said, you want me to tell you why that show worked? And Willie was like, is Bill Clinton about to tell us why Duck Dynasty was a good show? And he goes, because it was real. And if it wasn't, well, we all thought it was. Oh, Bill. Deep insight from Bill Clinton.

[D]

There you go.

[A]

That's right. You've been to the Clinton library.

[B]

Little Rock libraries aren't really much.

[A]

It's a double wide trail. There's a two drink minimum.

[B]

That one probably goes good in Arkansas. Yeah, that joke. You do that joke when you're in Arkansas?

[A]

It's an old dumb joke. I don't know.

[B]

It's a good one.

[A]

Yeah, well, there. Yeah, there are certain jokes. You're like, oh, where am I?

[D]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Pull that one out of your.

[B]

That one. What one are you pulling out tonight?

[A]

Oh, man.

[D]

Yeah. You need any local knowledge to make fun of the people there?

[A]

I don't know if I've ever done this. I was in Louisiana. You know, you just try to relate to people, right? And this was several years ago. And you. You have the meet and greet line after the show, and everybody's trying to, you know, just telling little things. And this guy, like, he's young kid. He's a. You know how to hunt? Gator. Oh, you know how to hunt? I said, I have no idea. You want to tell you how to do it? And I said, well, heck, yeah. He'd go, what you do? You go out late at night, you boat, right? And you go out there and you take your flashlight and you flash and you see the eyes light up. You take a hook, put a rope on it, throw that hook, hold that gate and pull it, snag it. You pull that rope and get close to that gate. And when you get close to boat, you blow his head off with shotgun. And I didn't. How do I relate? And what I said. What I said was, that sounds like how I met my wife.

[D]

Which part? The flashlight.

[A]

What part? What in my life has brought me to this? I'm talking this guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And it was just perfect.

[B]

But that's how you do it, though.

[D]

But you can do it that way.

[A]

Is it true? The hook part?

[D]

Yeah, you can do it. You can do it that way. It's way easier to hang a piece of chicken on a hook and let them come up there and catch themselves and then you just kind of go pull him in. But you can do it that way.

[A]

You've done that.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, you can. That's the hard way. That's really earning him. It's way.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm way more into passive alligator hunting. Hang a piece of chicken, let it get a good stank on it, and then they'll come up there and eat it, you know.

[A]

Let it get a good stank on it.

[D]

Yeah. After about days and 95 degrees.

[A]

That's my life motto right now. Let it get a good stank on it.

[D]

There you go.

[B]

Good things happen when you do that.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I had a guy this year that was doing it on a rod and reel.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

He was determined to cast at a alligator, hook him and then fight him, which seems like a lot of work.

[D]

Yeah, we've done that to Clay.

[B]

Son does that and then drag it up, then you shoot it in the head.

[D]

And that's the hard way, though. That's. That's really earning one.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. It's way easier to just let the chicken do the work. You go out there and finish him off. It's just now a much cleaner model.

[A]

Have you guys done like big, like bear hunting, that kind of stuff or.

[D]

I. Me and bears. Me and bears are tight, man. I got nothing against them. There's. You can hunt bears now here, 25 people can. Yeah, 25 people get tags in Louisiana now for bears. But I got nothing against them.

[B]

I don't like hunting things that can hunt me.

[A]

You don't know. Yeah.

[D]

And it doesn't get cold enough around here at it.

[A]

You went to school, didn't you?

[B]

Long time. Educated.

[A]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah. For one degree.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We don't let it.

[A]

You're sharp.

[B]

Yeah. Well, some say.

[A]

And you've definitely got the cleanest beard in this. In this building.

[B]

I've recently hired a barber. It's a new thing.

[A]

I do it seriously.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I think I've been twice it. I've been Twice this year. And it's kind of life changing. I get a lot of weird compliments now. I didn't used to get them when I looked homeless.

[D]

Good for you, man. Well, your beard did used to come substantially higher up your face.

[B]

So I just grow hair. I don't get it. It's just everywhere.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I posted a picture of me inside the day. Got made fun of for my unibrow. I'm like, what am I supposed to shave the middle of my face?

[D]

Keep on start calling you street clothes.

[B]

I got. I was a waiter for three days, right? Yeah. I got in trouble for. For having a beard. I shaved that morning. They were like, well, you're just going to have to shave right before you come to work. I said. And I looked at the person, said, I quit. Yeah, I'm gonna go mow yards.

[D]

Where were you a waiter?

[B]

It's not around anymore.

[D]

What was it? What was it? Seafood.

[A]

Close it down.

[B]

It's back behind.

[D]

Mohawk. Yeah, yeah, Mohawk.

[B]

I was there maybe a week. It was awful.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

I started cleaning pools.

[D]

So your whole life been surrounded by fish then you used to serve them fried. Now you get people to.

[B]

I was a terrible waiter. It was always such good looking food that.

[D]

Did you take any off the plate?

[B]

Talking about, yeah, come on. I was gonna eat this.

[C]

Yeah. Come up with it in his hand. Eat something. This is really good.

[D]

You're gonna love it.

[A]

Somewhat fresh.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, when people leave a bunch, that's hard to.

[A]

So what, what do you want to do?

[B]

What do I want to do? Just have. Besides just be a turn into psy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Take a nap.

[A]

How do you feel about that side?

[C]

That's a gold.

[A]

That's pretty flattering.

[B]

So I worked real hard his whole life at taking naps. And then A and E just brought him a ton of money. So.

[D]

Look, every year goes by hunting supplies. They just keep getting pricier and pricier every year. But you know, and we all get them and you never, you never forget those. But the one thing you do forget a lot of times, the cheapest part of the whole deal. And that's the federal duck stamp.

[C]

Boom.

[D]

But now it's even easier to get than ever, thanks to our friends over@duck stamp.com. look, the duck stamp will only set you back about 20, $25. You'll spend more than that on gas just getting to the duck hole. And this money actually helps fund wildlife conservation and keeps the great outdoors wild. Instead of being paved over, look, you got ammo, you got gear, you got dog food. You got shotguns, you got shells. I mean, the only bargain left in duck hunting is the duck stamp. And it's the most important piece of the puzzle because you can't hunt without it. Think of it this way. One stamp protects the land, the ducks, and your whole season. Not a bad trade for the price of a box of shells. And you know the drill. Duck stamp.com/. It only takes two minutes, so let's get it done. That's duck stamp.com,/.

[B]

You ever Spotify Uncle Si and the Psychotics?

[A]

Boy. Wait a second.

[B]

Next family, sit around the coffee table about to change.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

For about two years I was on the road.

[A]

What year? What years?

[C]

All good.

[D]

Know, a few years back, like 14, 15 maybe. Okay.

[C]

But anyway, we wrote. Wrote six songs. There they are. Recorded them, you know.

[D]

And you haven't heard the smash hit chicken Pudding?

[C]

All my smoking hot honey.

[A]

You got 9,000 places for chicken Pudding, bro. The yeehaw song.

[B]

Hunting something Throwback man's got.

[A]

You got people in the crowd play Hunting something. Don't know this new stuff.

[C]

Oh, you saw my dad. I made up.

[A]

We come here to hear the new stuff.

[C]

Sigh.

[A]

Hunting some or the pudding song. Give me that pudding sigh.

[D]

To be fair, I've told you I don't know how long and I've never heard Chicken Pudding. I didn't even know it wasn't.

[B]

It's fun. The thing about psy though is the people that listen to that, they don't. They ain't got Spotify. Oh, they got cassette.

[D]

I thought you were gonna say they weren't with us.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

She'S gonna say those at the pearly gates. Boy, I ain't around no more.

[A]

Ain't around.

[D]

The late night saloon.

[B]

I love him though.

[D]

The late night saloon. Life finally got him.

[A]

Swinging doors.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Now that was a shower.

[A]

Yeah. Every place you went had the swinging doors back in the day.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, man, a lot.

[B]

You do music though?

[A]

I do, I do.

[D]

That's.

[B]

Are you.

[A]

You know, I. Yeah, I'm kind of a frustrated rock star, but red haired guys don't become rock stars, so I had to rely on my wit.

[C]

I don't know. Hey, Willie Nelson did all right, huh?

[D]

Hey, ready?

[C]

He ain't a rock star, but he's a country star.

[D]

Say, redheaded.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Was he that dude?

[D]

I guess. I've only known him since he was gray. I don't know.

[B]

Willie Nelson has red hair.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. I didn't know. I truly didn't know that. Yeah.

[A]

So side, did you. You play any Instruments or.

[C]

So I've got four guitars. That's out. Can't play.

[A]

You're just eye candy. You're just tambourine.

[C]

Vocals.

[D]

Vocals.

[A]

There you go. There you go.

[B]

He's great at it.

[C]

I love to sing, but. Okay.

[A]

Karaoke. You do karaoke? Like.

[C]

All right, I sing. You know. Matter of fact, I'm gonna go somewhere tomorrow. What? Do some singing.

[D]

Why did I. Why am I just now finding out about this?

[C]

Yeah, I just found out about it yesterday.

[B]

Where are you going?

[C]

Jonesboro, Louisiana.

[B]

Louisiana.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. The shores of Caney Lake. Where? What's.

[C]

I have no idea. I just been told, hey, come down there and we're gonna stay.

[B]

Are you going to Hooks Marine?

[C]

No, we're going with microwavers.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

There you go.

[B]

Oh, that makes sense. Man, I thought you were going to karaoke night with Bobby Phillips. And I was about.

[D]

I was hoping Brittany secretly hired him for the boy's birthday party or something. I didn't. I didn't know what had happened. I'd pay him.

[A]

Are you guys gonna fill me in on anything? Well, Billy gonna bet it's gonna do it. Don't tell me Margaret's gonna be there. What am I even doing doing here?

[D]

I have twin. I have twin sons that are going to turn three this weekend. I was hoping that maybe Cy got booked as the entertainment for the birthday party.

[B]

I going back on the road to sing got us real thrown off. Yeah, we were all enthralled.

[D]

I was trying to figure out how I'm gonna make it there was what I was trying to say.

[A]

Kids birthday party. Like kids. We got a special singer.

[D]

Yeah, we got breaks through the doors.

[B]

The children would be excited. You're a huge deal in the fourth grade at my kids school. They love you.

[A]

Oh, I'm a.

[D]

How couldn't they.

[B]

You gotta.

[A]

You gotta strike while the iron's hot. It is weird though to think about when you're a kid, like not, you know what you're going to turn into. How some people just lock in and.

[C]

Then some people never really, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

You run into people from high school and they just.

[D]

I wish mine would turn into kids that didn't crap their pants at the current stage.

[B]

So telling you water older your kids.

[D]

There'll be three this weekend, dog.

[C]

You got a couple.

[B]

It's their 12th birthday party.

[D]

It's a problem. We still ain't got there. The Nugget Middle School.

[A]

And he's crappy in his pants every week. Yeah, I got to go up There. And I get the phone call.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I got to bring the Met, the shop back.

[B]

There's no coming back from crapping your pants in middle school.

[A]

There's not.

[B]

You just move.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

States.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's for sure.

[A]

At least even.

[C]

And life goes on.

[D]

And life goes.

[B]

But a dumbness. Oh, goodness gracious. Oh, go ahead, go ahead.

[A]

I just wonder whether you've got all these. You got a bell here.

[D]

Yeah, you can hit that anytime you want to.

[A]

Got a gong. A gong.

[D]

He's a noise.

[B]

Did you watch a lot of Duck Dynasty?

[A]

I did watch a fair amount.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

He really likes noises.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

It's kind of his thing, so.

[C]

Yeah, a lot of nervous energy.

[D]

If he were a, you know, touring comedian, he'd definitely be a prop comic. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He.

[D]

He'd have to go to the old school, like Gallagher ways. He'd be smashing stuff and making weird sounds and all that.

[C]

Oh, I'd have me a vanquilsis. Yeah, I would have that with me.

[A]

I mean, the dummy.

[C]

No, no. Hey, I'm serious.

[A]

Or just have a natural ventriloquist on your lap.

[D]

Oh, no, you'd have a dummy holding.

[C]

A dummy to be two dummies holding each other.

[B]

Wait, are you the ventriloquist or are you bringing one along?

[C]

I have one with me.

[D]

Oh.

[C]

And he would be uncontrollable.

[B]

Are you doing the voice?

[C]

No. Who is the fan twist with you? Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

It makes sense. It makes sense.

[C]

No, no.

[A]

How's he gonna pull that off?

[C]

No, no. You said you played guitar.

[A]

Yes, sir.

[C]

I wish I could play guitar because, look, I could. I could entertain the world if I could play a guitar. You could, because I can make up more bull crap.

[A]

Well, without a guitar, you're doing just fine.

[D]

Sorry.

[B]

You're already doing that.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, but just think about it. If I could only put it to music.

[B]

He really likes music.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When you were growing up, was there that one guy that made a joyful noise to the Lord that was far too loud for everybody else in the church.

[A]

Oh. Good night. Still happens. Yes. That's the guy.

[B]

That's your guy.

[D]

You found him.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

I was at church not too long ago, and we. We were in the. We were in the front row on the right and the middle of the music. We heard this flute behind me.

[B]

A flute behind you?

[A]

This lady had brought her flute just from home. She started cranking on the flute, and she was really good. But they got to a point where. Okay, that's enough. You need to put the flute away.

[B]

Yeah, because where do you draw the line?

[A]

It's. Yeah, there's always one now. Yeah.

[D]

What?

[C]

That's the woman player flute.

[B]

But that's. That's. But then do you let me play my drums?

[C]

Yeah. Bring them all.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There you go.

[D]

Maybe I'm wrong.

[C]

Bring them all.

[D]

He's officially been cured. From Church of Christ. Bring them all, man. Hey, hey, all man. Like, hey, bring by o. I bring your own instrument, Grandmother.

[B]

If you're listening, we're joking.

[D]

Yeah, we're about to. We about to worship up in here.

[C]

Oh, no. Hey, that shows you how stupid the human race is.

[B]

What?

[D]

What's that, y'?

[C]

All? If you play an instrument, you're going to hell.

[B]

Only on Sunday mornings from 9 to 12.

[C]

No, no, no.

[A]

I mean, only when we all get together. It would be the best.

[C]

Yeah. You know.

[B]

Oh, man.

[C]

God. God.

[B]

I got pamphlets.

[C]

Hey, God never did say hey, you know, you gotta sing in perfect tune and all this.

[B]

Thank God for you.

[C]

God said, hey. Make a loud, joyful noise.

[B]

I don't think loud's in there. Is it?

[C]

Oh, yes, it is. In capital letters.

[D]

Google it.

[B]

I think it's.

[C]

Just Google it, boys.

[D]

I thought it was just joyful. He meant.

[A]

No, he meant a. He meant a gentle, soft noise with a one, three beat.

[C]

Trust me.

[A]

No. Two, four.

[C]

I'm.

[B]

I trust.

[A]

I'm just the devil's beat.

[B]

I'm just checking. There's a lot of versions of the Bible.

[C]

Oh, hey, what are you talking about?

[D]

Trust but verify. That's all we're doing. Hey, just trust them. But very. Yeah, loud. I don't know.

[B]

Loud's not in the King James, so. I mean, then it can't be in any of them.

[A]

Have you guys read that Bible?

[B]

I'm. I'm. Let's go to the message.

[D]

Even though message Bible don't go there.

[A]

That's not the Bible. It's too laid back.

[C]

That's right. Too laid back.

[A]

You ever read the message Bible? Like, what is this?

[C]

That translation ain't no good recipe for Rice Krispie treats.

[A]

That's in John.

[B]

Are you ready for step one?

[C]

No, that's marshmallow.

[A]

That is not.

[C]

Now, that's his second opinion.

[B]

It's a second opinion. King James nor the message says be loud. But the message does say to stand up for some reason.

[D]

Well, he stands up when he can. He get tired, sit down. But it don't ruin his volume. I can guarantee you we're going to.

[A]

Be singing Chicken Pudding in Heaven. I guarantee you that.

[D]

I hope so. I'm going to have to learn the words.

[B]

The NIV does say. Shout for joy to the Lord.

[D]

Shout for joy. So there you go.

[A]

Look.

[B]

I don't know why I didn't start.

[D]

Shout for joy. There you go. Look at it.

[B]

It's totally going to be today's Bible.

[A]

Verse, by the way.

[D]

Just. That's fine. That's. That's all good. Or you stay out till late, you stay out dark, and then it's an hour ride back to the house and you get home and all you want is something good to eat. And you know, you're. If you don't have factor, you're staring at a cold sandwich, you know. But that's why we have loved factor for years and we know that you will too, because factor meals are just good. Look, they're. I mean, their meals are prepped by chefs and approved by dietitians so that you can stay on track no matter how hectic life is. And the most important part of all that, yeah, they're, they're chef created and dietitian, but they're good. Like some jalapeno lime chicken.

[B]

That was so. I like that. The chili cone carne. Yeah, I don't think that's how you pronounce it, but it's good.

[D]

Or the fresh pasta with the meat sauce was fantastic. Every pork chop I have ever had has been fantastic. And with factor, you get more variety and more meals. Choose from a wider selection of weekly meal options, including premium seafood choices like salmon and shrimp at no extra cost. Whatever your health goals are, there are factor meals to to match them for the first time. You can try Asian inspired meals with bold Thai and Chinese influenced flavors. We all love that, right? 97% of customers say that factor helped them live a healthier. Take it from us, you'll feel the difference. No matter what your nutritional goals are and no matter what your routine is, Factor just makes it that much easier. Eat smart@Factor Meals.com Duck 50 off and use code Duck50OFF to get 50% off your first box plus free breakfast for one year. Who doesn't love free breakfast? That's code Duck50OFF@Factor Meals.com for 50% off your first box plus FREE breakfast for one year. Get delicious ready to eat meals delivered with factories Offer only valid for new factor customers with code and qualifying auto renewing subscription purchase. Well, Tim, what's next for you, man? What? Other than playing?

[A]

Well, you know, I don't do. I do about half the shows I used to do and I've Got four grandkids now, so I've got to conserve all the energy. I can't. Yep. I got four of them. And they keep it real good for you.

[B]

They're like, I wouldn't struck you as a granddad.

[A]

Yeah, well, don't strike me at all. He just don't strike you?

[B]

Didn't strike me. There it is.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I sit by side. Gets weird.

[A]

Yeah. So just the electric bill still coming, so I got to still go out and do my little, little show.

[D]

How old are your grandkids?

[A]

Oh, man, six, three and both two on like six months and one month.

[D]

Oh, okay. So you got some real fresh ones.

[A]

I do.

[B]

They still crap in their pages.

[A]

They do.

[D]

How about that 3 year old? Is there light at the end of the tunnel there for me?

[A]

You know what? There is. It gets better. It gets better. And. Yeah, it's. They. They're just so entertaining.

[D]

Oh, they are. Yeah. No, they're. Now they're a lot of fun.

[A]

Yeah. Having kids is like being at a water park that you can't leave. It's really fun, but you can't leave. And you're always wet.

[C]

Hotel California.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

You can check in, baby, but you can't check out.

[D]

And you are surrounded by.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

That's, That's.

[A]

That song is about parenthood. I don't care what Don Henley says.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. And I'm surrounded by band aids that aren't yours. So. Yeah.

[B]

Just like germs everywhere.

[A]

It's a lot of. Yeah. I did a. Speaking of humility, like with kids, like, and this has happened more than once where I'll do a Sunday night show, 1500 people standing ovation, whatever. Ten hours later, I'm at my house, my hand is in the toilet because one of my kids shoved a bar of soap down the hole.

[C]

So there you go.

[A]

Ten hours later, just everything.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

It's humiliate. You know, it's. Lottie. I could be a plumber.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's the thing of being a parent. You're a licensed plumber. Whether you like it or not. That's all you deal with.

[B]

I've fixed a lot of plumbing issues.

[D]

Yeah. I'm a shade tree plumber. Yeah. Already.

[A]

Because you can't afford to. To get it fixed.

[C]

I don't get into that.

[D]

Well, and it never happens at a convenient time. Right. It don't ever happen when plumbers are actually working. Like, it's always our thing off.

[C]

Our bathtub broke.

[B]

Like, you know the little knob you pull up to make the Little wand work. Yeah, well, the knob broke off.

[A]

You have a wand.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

He's up.

[A]

How many are you making?

[D]

He's also got a bidet.

[C]

Yeah, a bidet too.

[D]

You.

[A]

You laugh. You laugh.

[B]

You're welcome back anytime.

[A]

Change heated seat, everything. Yep. He's got an air dryer on it.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Kindred spirits right here. And also very clean.

[A]

That's why they call bidet.

[D]

Bidet.

[B]

Yeah, they, like, refused.

[A]

They should call a bid. Yay.

[D]

Yeah, yay.

[A]

It'll. It'll. You laugh, but it's a life. Never go back.

[D]

Anyway, yours blows air.

[B]

Mine is too.

[A]

Does this have a remote to you? What?

[B]

Does yours have a remote?

[D]

No. You can preheat it.

[B]

No, it's already heated.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

When you walk in the room, it goes and moistens the whole bowl, you know, because you don't want skid marks. And then the heat turns on the seat. I don't really like the blow dryer effect though, because when you're blow drying that area, you know, it takes a while. Hot air from down there and I don't.

[A]

I need a comb. I need. You know.

[B]

What are you doing with the gun, man?

[A]

I need a curly. But guys, I'm telling you, need to get you one and just.

[B]

Team bidet. I put one in the office at one point. No. Everybody got mad.

[D]

They did. Yeah.

[B]

Because they wanted like, go around like with toilet paper or something.

[D]

I just, I don't. How long does it take you to get over the mental block that a warm toilet seat's a good thing?

[A]

Especially not a good thing.

[D]

Well, most of the time in your life when you pop down on a warm one, you're like.

[A]

Like somebody.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. What just happened?

[A]

Somebody hasn't been here.

[B]

If it's your toilet, it's a good thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If it's a gas station, something breaking, you know?

[D]

But that's what I'm saying. Like, did it take you or is it just automatically because it's yours? It's fine because it's yours. It feels like a mental block for me.

[B]

It's either. It's either the heated seat or my wife's been in there. It's the only two options.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, look, so Carter, he gets the. My 11 year old son is a wild person. He gets the knob. Allison finds it. He's. He's got it at the lunch table at school.

[D]

Show and tell.

[B]

No, he was trying to trade it for something.

[D]

Well, good for him, man.

[B]

It was gold and shine. I said, bro, I'm trying To get that fixed.

[D]

Hey, good for him. That's what you call entrepreneur there, man.

[B]

I was about to lose my shower knob handle for like a Pokemon card. Yeah, well, I was going to be furious.

[D]

I mean, that's fine. Look, he's. He wants to be president one day. It takes trade deals, man. You gotta. You gotta. This works. He really took it to school.

[B]

Oh yeah. To trade it. He goes, how do you get it out? It broke off.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I just. And I got a pair of pliers if I need to use it right now.

[D]

Right.

[B]

So yeah. I'm fancy and redneck all at the same time.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's expensive to fit. And then they don't make it anymore. It's a whole thing.

[D]

Yeah. Now you got to change out the whole fixture. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You remember side those old TVs, you know, old TV sets. And the knob would come off. Remember that?

[D]

Oh yeah.

[A]

You have to have pliers to.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You just had to remove.

[D]

Yeah. Now this would be pre that. But this is.

[B]

My papa had one of those.

[D]

This is when people had grandkids just for changing the channel. Like that's all you were. That's all you did at your grandparents.

[B]

You were the channel changer and crapping your pants.

[D]

Yeah. Well, Tim, it has been an absolute pleasure having you here, man. I'm glad we could make.

[A]

I did not know what to expect, but I'm sure glad I got up early for it.

[D]

Yeah. At least we didn't go deep.

[C]

Right.

[D]

Very shallow.

[B]

That's.

[A]

That's. Well, there's. There's a reason why you guys have been so successful. Just because you're just.

[D]

You know, we like to try to folk. We try to remind people to laugh at themselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, laughing is good. Which is what you're going around doing is making people laugh.

[B]

Yeah. And if you want to hear him.

[D]

Awesome.

[B]

Timhawkins.net yeah. You got a bunch of tour dates here. Anywhere from Florida to Alabama, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland, North Carolina, Kentucky. He's all over the place.

[D]

Do you have a favorite place to.

[C]

Go.

[D]

That'S not on the buckle of the belt?

[A]

You know, it's.

[B]

Yeah. The sec kind of your bang zone.

[A]

And I like it is nice. I like it where people like to get a little silly.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, I like. I like blue collar states. I like it down here. Of course I like Alabama. I like. I like Michigan and stuff. But yeah, Alabama. We've got a little house in Gulf Shores.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And just kept going down there and just love the people and. And I don't know. I think people are all the same anyway. No matter where you go, they talk a little different, but they're.

[D]

Yeah. How do you feel about that? Buc ee's down there. You stopped.

[A]

Oh, my goodness. I got a Bucky song, man. That's. That place is for real.

[B]

You got a Bucky song?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Oh, man.

[A]

Yeah. We're stopping at BUC EE's. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah, we are.

[A]

There's something special.

[D]

Do you get chicken pudding when you go?

[A]

I get to. I get. Do they have chicken pudding? I don't know about a jerky wall, for crying out loud, man. What's not great about that?

[D]

Yeah. Or brisket.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I recently waited in line just to take a picture with the mascot.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It's a little embarrassing because it was three grown men waiting in a line to take a picture with a giant mascot. But we did it.

[A]

It's true. There's just something. It's like Chick fil a. There's something different about it. It's not. It's just not. It's almost like they care about you can feel they care about you by how, you know, they got the clean restrooms and, you know, the stalls are just. It's like a small apartment.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, they had a bidet.

[D]

Oh, boy.

[A]

A bidet and a USB port.

[B]

Oh, I'm staying there for you.

[A]

You set up an office. You know what? I, I, I. The last thing I thought we'd be talking about in this show would be a bidet. And I was just so. That's been. That made my day.

[B]

That's a very.

[D]

You just gave me.

[A]

That's our new product. We Built My Day. It's called My Day. It's better with it, but it's a personalized bidet.

[D]

Well, Tim, thank you for coming by. We're going to close with a Bible verse.

[B]

It's an easy one.

[D]

You're welcome to share one if you have one on your heart.

[B]

We're going to transition now. All eyes closed, all heads bowed.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Nobody's looking. Thank you for that hand.

[B]

Psalm 100.

[D]

Thank you. We see you. Thank you.

[B]

Psalm 101. We're gonna go with the NIV because it's clearly size favorite. Shout for joy to the Lord. All the earth. Worship the Lord with gladness. Come before him with joyful songs. Get out there and sing a song to Jesus today.

[D]

Amen, buddy.

[B]

Hey, man, we'll see y' all next time. And go check out Tim Hawkins.net Tim Hawkins, comic.

[D]

Especially the Jehovah witness Instagram.

[A]

Get that one?

[C]

Yeah, Sam.