Ask, Tell, Confess: He Stuck WHAT in the ATM?!

Summary

Dumb Blonde Podcast – Ask, Tell, Confess: He Stuck WHAT in the ATM?!

Date: May 8, 2026
Host: Bunnie XO (Brooke), with guests/regulars Haley, Chachi, and others

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Episode Overview

This episode of "Dumb Blonde" features a chaotic, hilarious, and real conversation among Bunnie XO (Brooke) and her friends as they dive into listener confessions, shocking true stories, and their own experiences. The primary theme is radical honesty about embarrassment, relationships, sexuality, body image, and “WTF?!” news – all with the irreverent, relatable, and girl-gang energy that defines this podcast. Standout moments include wild listener confessions (from snorting dad’s ashes to run-ins with micro penises), a viral ATM indecency story, and genuine talk about self-image and love.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Body Image, Weight Loss, and Filters

[03:31 – 07:30]

• Haley’s Weight Loss:
  • Chachi acknowledges the comments about Haley's "glow up" after losing 72 pounds.
    • "Everybody in the comments is talking about your glow up and how good you look. You got all the dudes in the comments like Haley is hot." — Brooke [03:35]
  • Haley discusses feeling more confident, especially not needing to edit her body in photos.
    • "To be able to just like upload something from my camera roll with my full body in it is something I never thought I would do." — Chachi [04:23]
• Photo Editing and Filters:
  • All admit to using filters/photoshop in the past, expressing relief at no longer relying on drastic editing.
  • Nostalgic laughter about the old “dog filter” era and how social norms around filters have changed:
    • "That's like us looking back on, like, 2016 with, like, the dog filter." — Brooke [06:34]
• Guys and Filters:
  • Surprised realization that straight men use “Bold Glamour” and similar filters.
    • "I've seen guys on TikTok use the Bold Glamour filter." — Chachi [07:01]
    • "No, they're straight." — Chachi [07:07]
  • Joke about "looks maxing" as a male phenomenon.
    • "Everything is maxing... I'm supplement maxing. We're podcast maxing right now." — Brooke [07:42]

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2. Family Updates & LGBTQ+ Acceptance

[08:10 – 12:03]

• Chachi’s Birthday and Prom Queen:
  • Brooke and Chachi celebrate Bailey's prom queen win and discuss how it boosted her confidence.
• Supporting LGBTQ+ Family:
  • Open-hearted discussion about Bailey’s relationship with her girlfriend, and responding to criticism regarding faith and sexuality.
    • "Somebody said to me, you guys call yourselves conservative Christians, but your daughter’s a lesbian. And I'm like, first of all, we've never said we're conservative. Secondly...I will never shame...my kid for who she loves." — Brooke [10:44]
    • "Love is love." — Brooke [11:00]
  • Parenting tip: never teach children to hate, and acknowledge acceptance is learned.

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3. Wild Viral Story: The ATM Incident

[13:08 – 16:16]

• Haley recounts a viral local story from Murfreesboro:
  • "Do you guys know some guy stuck his dick in the ATM in there and it went, like, national news? Okay. It was on Jimmy Kimmel." — Haley [13:16]
• The group speculates about how it happened, laughing about logistics and whether the ATM “bit back”.
  • "He got circumcised by the freaking ATM machine." — Brooke [14:08]
  • "Dude was horny. He wanted splinters and cash." — Brooke [14:54]
• They read from the news: the man (Lonnie, 49) was intoxicated, exposed himself in the bar, attempted sex with the ATM, and then a picnic table.
  • "He...walked to the ATM. Once at the ATM, he pulled down his pants, underwear, and exposing his genitals, then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM." — Haley [15:41]
• Brooke sums up:
  • "That was just a good time, gone too far." — Brooke [16:10]

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4. Listener Confessions: Ask, Tell, Confess

[16:16 – 26:02]

A. Snorting Dad’s Ashes

[16:41 – 17:47]

• A listener confesses to snorting their late father's ashes during a wild night with their sibling.
  • "We were drinking...decided to mix a tiny bit of our dad’s ashes in a line and snort it...We vowed never to tell anyone until now." — Listener [16:41]
• Reactions vary from fascinated approval to humorous disgust.
  • "I think that's kind of cool." — Brooke [17:13]
  • "They wanted to be closer to their dad." — Brooke [17:22]

B. Should I Date My Future Boss?

[17:58 – 20:13]

• A listener is concerned about continuing a relationship with someone who may soon be her boss at her law firm.
  • "Should I end things before that happens? I don't want to be the associate who's sleeping with the boss...but we were dating before." — Haley [18:08]
• Advice: communication is key, don’t act on ‘future tripping,’ and if feelings are real, try honesty with the firm.

C. Sex, Farts, and “Not Living Up to the Hype”

[21:30 – 26:02]

• Hilarious bedroom faux pas: a listener recounts hyped-up sexual skills from a guy, only to be met with an unfortunate fart during a critical moment.
  • “He bragged about going down on women...Then it happened. He farted—one long poof. And he just kept going like nothing happened.” — Listener [21:30]
  • Brooke: “If a man tells you he can eat pussy, he cannot...Any dude that brags about [it]...can’t even find the knob.” [23:08]
• Brooke shares her own myth-shattering story: an ultra-hot guy ("Carlos Asada") whose poor hygiene ruined the encounter and left her vomiting.
  • “I get in my car to go home and all I can smell is that smell of him. And I'm literally...projectile vomiting as I'm driving down the freeway because he smelled so bad.” — Brooke [24:38]

D. World’s Smallest Penis – Advice Request

[26:14 – 30:13]

• Listener Michael Phillips, in the news for having a 0.38-inch erect micropenis, asks what he can do to compensate in the bedroom.
  • “Do you have any advice on what I can do in the bedroom to make up for my small penis?” — Chachi/Listener [26:39]
• The crew gives practical, kind advice: focus on making women feel good, use toys, learn about women's bodies, and remember great relationships are about more than sex.
  • “If you're a good human and you make a woman feel amazing and you make her laugh...there's gonna be a woman out there who has been looking for you her whole life, and she's not gonna care how big your dick is.” — Brooke [29:40]

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5. Embarrassing Public Mishaps

[31:13 – 32:40]

• A listener tells a story about having explosive diarrhea while dressed in glam outside a church, with her horrified husband watching.
  • “I hiked my dress up and accepted my fate...My husband reconsidering everything.” — Listener [31:13]
• Group’s response: If your partner can handle you at your most undignified, it's love.

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6. Jason's Gag Gifts – Ending with Laughter

[33:24 – End]

• The cast opens surprise presents from Jason: raunchy, custom shirts (“Eating beef, blasting queefs”; “Lesbians eat what?”; “Cream pie era”; “Pound my cake, daddy”) and bursts into laughter.
  • "Mine says eating beef, blasting queefs." — Brooke [34:11]
  • "Mine says in my cream pie era." — Haley [34:29]
  • "Pound my cake, daddy." — Chachi [34:36]

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Notable Quotes & Highlights

• "To be able to just upload something from my camera roll with my full body in it is something I never thought I would do." — Chachi [04:23]
• "You guys call yourselves conservative Christians, but your daughter's a lesbian. ...I will never shame...my kid for who she loves." — Brooke [10:44]
• "Dude was horny. He wanted splinters and cash." — Brooke [14:54]
• "We decided to mix a tiny bit of our dad's ashes in a line and snort it." — Listener [17:05]
• "If a man tells you he can eat pussy, he cannot...Any dude that brags about [it]...can’t even find the knob." — Brooke [23:08]
• "If you're a good human...there's gonna be a woman out there who has been looking for you her whole life, and she's not gonna care how big your dick is." — Brooke [29:40]
• "Mine says eating beef, blasting queefs." — Brooke [34:11]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• 03:31 – Haley’s weight loss & body image
• 07:30 – Filters/looks maxing
• 10:44 – Supporting LGBTQ+ youth in conservative settings
• 13:16 – ATM indecent exposure story
• 16:41 – Confession: Snorting dad’s ashes
• 17:58 – Should I date my future boss?
• 21:30 – Bedroom “letdown” stories
• 26:14 – Advice for world's smallest penis
• 31:13 – Glam gone wrong: explosive story
• 33:24 – Unwrapping gag gifts

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Tone and Energy

Hilarious, unfiltered, supportive, and authentic. The episode combines wild, laugh-out-loud moments with genuinely thoughtful discussions about body image, acceptance, and advice for listeners in tricky and taboo situations.

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For listeners:
This episode is a rollercoaster—you’ll laugh, cringe, and maybe even get some unexpected wisdom. The Dumb Blonde crew dives into listener confessions fearlessly, always with a supportive and no-judgment approach. Community, comedy, and realness are at the core.

Transcript

[Brooke]

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[Haley]

I ask tell confess I ask

[Brooke]

do you have the time to listen to me wine?

[Chachi]

I know the song.

[Haley]

Okay.

[Brooke]

I don't know. Haley, let's talk about. Wait, hold on everybody. Welcome to another ass talcing pan.

[Chachi]

Whoa.

[Brooke]

Haley, let's talk about your weight loss, baby.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Everybody in the comments is talking about your glow up and how good you look. You got all the dudes in the comments like Haley is hot. Yeah.

[Chachi]

Those are probably the same ones saying what a pig a few months ago.

[Brooke]

No, we're proud of you. You've lost how much, how much weight?

[Chachi]

72.

[Brooke]

Damn, that's a lot, baby.

[Haley]

Past me.

[Chachi]

So like you're I plateau though, for like four months. I was like within the same for four months. So I'm finally over that.

[Mackenzie]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

I feel like once I hit over that, that's when people kind of saw.

[Brooke]

Yeah. What's the biggest change that you felt losing 72 pounds?

[Chachi]

I can just do everything easier.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

Not having to edit my body in photos.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

To be able to just like upload something from my camera roll with my full body in it is something I never thought I would do.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Yeah. So I never knew you edited your body.

[Haley]

Oh, yeah.

[Brooke]

I mean, I do, but I do and I get in trouble for it. People get mad at me for doing it.

[Chachi]

I mean, it's still a little, you know, smooth on the face and stuff, but like my body. No.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

I don't have to do that anymore.

[Haley]

I love that.

[Brooke]

I love that.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

I think everybody edits their photos and if you don't edit your photo, you use filters stuff.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

So I mean, I feel bad for women who all they do is use filters because I'm like, you just don't realize how beautiful you are. I was one of those people. You Were one of those people. Like, we were all one of those people.

[Haley]

I still throw a filter on once a while.

[Chachi]

Like, sometimes I like a good filter. Snapchat.

[Haley]

But, like, it's more like a smoothing. It's not so much like before, I used to literally change my entire face.

[Brooke]

Dude. I look bad. Like, you know how Tik Tok has the flashbacks? I look like a chipmunk. How I think that that looked good to thousands of people where I just. My entire face was not even.

[Chachi]

My lips were, like, shaking.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Completely different structure. My cheeks were up here.

[Chachi]

Like, oh, my God, Baby Dixie on Instagram all the time. My eyebrows would be like this same.

[Brooke]

I had that one, too. I loved that one. Yeah. No, I look back because I get the flashbacks all the time and I'm just like, golly, like, what was I doing? Now I literally am on there, like, fudgeing. Just waking up out of bed. Don't even care.

[Haley]

Sometimes I feel like I have it off on TikTok and then I'll watch a video back and it's like it's smoothing me with. I literally will turn everything off the glow on the side.

[Chachi]

I swear. There's a small filter just built in.

[Haley]

I believe so. I believe that Tick Tock has a small filter.

[Brooke]

I like this. Listen, I like the smoothing filter. Don't care. I'll use it. I love that thing. But, I mean, I'll take it off if I need to, but I don't.

[Chachi]

I mean, sometimes it can be too much.

[Brooke]

It's a smoothing filter. It's not like it changes your whole face.

[Haley]

Exactly. Before, I had a whole new face on.

[Brooke]

Yeah. No, I literally. It was a mask.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

I put on a mask.

[Haley]

Yes.

[Brooke]

Every time I made a video and I thought it looked good and people were like, you look great. Like, no, I didn't.

[Haley]

You.

[Brooke]

It was like an antique color, too.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Like, what the hell?

[Chachi]

That's like us looking back on, like, 2016 with, like, the dog filter.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

It's just normal.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Haley]

Agree.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Hi, Jaime. Did you ever use filters?

[Guest]

No.

[Brooke]

Okay.

[Haley]

Yeah. How do we feel about guys using filters?

[Guest]

Do they do that?

[Brooke]

No.

[Haley]

Yes.

[Guest]

Really? You could tell?

[Haley]

Oh, I can. If a guy. Are they going to do.

[Brooke]

It's going to put. Make their lips bigger, their eyebrows more.

[Haley]

I feel like there's filters.

[Chachi]

See?

[Brooke]

No.

[Chachi]

I've seen guys on Tik Tok use the Bold Glamour filter.

[Brooke]

Shut the f. Are they. They're gay guys, obviously, right?

[Chachi]

No, they're straight. I mean, no way.

[Haley]

Maybe.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

All right, well, to each Their own. Don't cancel me for that. But I would just figure, like, a gay guy would. You would expect, like, Jeffree star.

[Haley]

Like, it's adding a little bit of makeup to you.

[Chachi]

No, I've seen guys full on, use it. No makeup on. Obviously, they're like, I've seen. I'm pretty sure it was a blue collar guy.

[Brooke]

What the hell? He probably didn't know it was on themselves.

[Haley]

It's on.

[Chachi]

It's on every video. Yeah.

[Haley]

No, I feel there's some dudes that just need that.

[Guest]

Well, I think it's happening more now. I think. I think it's called looks maxing. Is that what it's called?

[Brooke]

Everything is maxing. I don't even think I'm protein maxing right now.

[Chachi]

Go back to 6, 7.

[Brooke]

Yeah, everything is maxing. I'm supplement maxing. I'm. We're podcast maxing right now. Like,

[Haley]

I don't like that one. I'm usually down with, like, newer stuff. Don't like that one.

[Brooke]

No, no. Dog maxing, you know, like, yeah, the chotch maxing. Is your birthday coming up, honey?

[Haley]

We're literally at prom the other day. But he goes, it is, like, a very important month, guys. And Bailey's sitting there, and she goes, it's Charge's birthday month. And Bailey was like, it's mine too.

[Brooke]

They have a little rival because she swears, I love Chachi more than her, but I don't. But it's. It's the funniest thing. But, yeah, we got a little prom queen, too.

[Chachi]

I'm so proud of her.

[Brooke]

I'm so proud of her. We were. We were definitely holding our breath because we didn't know, you know? So we got the phone call, and I think. I don't know, it was just really cool. You can tell that it, like, really boosted her spirits and her confidence. Like, I. I even think she was like, whoa, I can't believe I won. Like, she was, like, so freaked out about it.

[Haley]

She looks so pretty in green. Her and Mads look beautiful.

[Mackenzie]

My name is Mackenzie, and I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a nonverbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills. So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just, like, really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was.

[Brooke]

GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe.

[Chachi]

She look good.

[Brooke]

She look good. Now we got to get through graduation and we're done. We're done.

[Haley]

Graduation and 18 or 21st. 24. Huh? Also on her 21st birthday is going to be wild.

[Brooke]

Oh, gosh. I'm hoping by then she'll have calmed down, because she's already an old soul. The kid takes naps. She came in the house the other day, and her and Mads, I was like, what are you guys doing? And she's like, up going to take my nap. And I was like, dude, I always tell him, like, you guys are. I don't fucking take naps. You're like old people, you know? And I make fun of them all the time. And I think the biggest controversy. And I will. I'll have Bailey on the podcast to talk about this. But was like, her and her girlfriend, and it's like they've been together for almost a year.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

You know, and I've never seen our kid happier. So.

[Chachi]

So different.

[Brooke]

Yeah. People are like. Somebody said. Somebody said to me, you guys call yourselves conservative Christians, but your daughter's a lesbian. And I'm like, first of all, we've never said we're conservative. Secondly, we. I will never shame and my husband will never shame our kid for who she loves.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Love is love.

[Haley]

Yes.

[Chachi]

I love that he wore little rainbow shoes.

[Brooke]

He did. To show support.

[Haley]

I love that Olivia did ask me the other day about, like, what is it for guys and guys and girls and girls? And then I was editing prom pictures, and I said, this is Bailey's girlfriend. She goes, bailey got a girlfriend? I said, yeah. She goes, is that who that girl was at dinner?

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Haley]

She goes, all right. She's just like, I love that Olivia doesn't question it past that.

[Brooke]

Yeah. I don't think you should love his love. You should never teach your kids to hate.

[Chachi]

And that's taught.

[Brooke]

It is. It's very taught. And that's all I'll say about it, because it's not my situation to talk about. But I know Bailey's itching to come on the podcast. I'm just waiting till she turns 18. So I don't have to hear everybody's. She has an underage child on her podcast. And when really that kid is freaking 35, 18, going on 35. Like, they. You guys don't even realize how big, how freaking, what an old soul Bailey is. But, yeah, I'm hoping by the time she's 21 that she has gotten out of her system, because I feel like

[Chachi]

she had that era a few years ago.

[Brooke]

She'll have it again. She'll have it again.

[Haley]

Yeah. We wild and out through our teens so that when our 20s are here, like, we just know. So the grindstone, like, just go, you know, like, it just. They was. That's how I was. I didn't go party in my 20s. I do more partying now. In my 30s, I didn't party than I did in my 20s.

[Brooke]

I partied in my teens, my 20s, and my 30s, I partied all the way up to 37. And then I completely stopped.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

And was, like, completely changed my life around.

[Haley]

I didn't. I. I did.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

I also. Look, where I'm from, we had bonfires.

[Brooke]

Pasture parties.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

I went to a pasture party one time.

[Chachi]

People I didn't want to party with.

[Haley]

Got it.

[Chachi]

Yeah. I went through college without drinking. I was on a sorority and went to frat parties and didn't drink.

[Brooke]

Why?

[Chachi]

I don't know. And I was, like, very proud of that, though. Like, I was like, now look at you.

[Brooke]

Now we can't get you out of. Good night, Nashville. Yeah.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Haley]

You guys remember when we were driving around Murphysboro the other day and we were by mtsu, and I was like, I gotta tell you guys something on Ask How Confess about that bar.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Haley]

Being torn down. I remembered what it was. Do you guys know some guys stuck his dick in the ATM in there and it went, like, national news. Okay. It was on Jimmy Kimmel.

[Chachi]

Was it hard?

[Haley]

That was two different questions.

[Brooke]

Left and right brain right there.

[Haley]

Yeah. I don't know the details of it. I just know that he was arrested for sticking his dick in the.

[Brooke]

Give it a goo. We need details now. Don't come to the table with a freaking story like that. Not have the freaking details atmosphere.

[Haley]

Dick Murphy's brother, Small little slit.

[Chachi]

How is it going in there?

[Brooke]

I. I, first of all, was it hard? And was he the machine? Like, why did this make news?

[Haley]

It was, like, years. Do you remember this?

[Guest]

No. But I know he has to be short because that thing's low. Like, it's not.

[Brooke]

Did it get stuck Is that why he made headlines?

[Haley]

Maybe.

[Chachi]

It took, like, the skin, okay?

[Brooke]

He got circumcised by the freaking ATM machine.

[Guest]

Ouch.

[Chachi]

Imagine being the next one to use it after.

[Brooke]

Dude, how do you think I feel about opening door? That's why I don't like touching buttons. I don't like using my debit card. I don't touch cash. Like, you cannot trust what is on anything.

[Haley]

Everything's just coming up because someone tried to steal an ATM in Murfreesboro the other day. Did you see that? I saw that someone strapped a truck to the ATM on the Chase bank and tried to drive away with it. And so that's all of the. Yeah. Oh, right here, man. Attempted sex with atmosphere. Yep.

[Chachi]

When was this?

[Brooke]

So he was hard?

[Haley]

2014.

[Brooke]

Damn.

[Haley]

And a picnic table. Oh. At a local bar, according to the rest. Yeah.

[Brooke]

Dude was horny. He wanted splinters and cash.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

What the hell?

[Haley]

That's so funny. Yeah, he attempt. Oh, look at him.

[Brooke]

Hold on.

[Haley]

I got his mug shot.

[Brooke]

I don't want to see him.

[Haley]

Lonnie.

[Brooke]

Ronnie.

[Haley]

Lonnie.

[Brooke]

Oh, Lonnie.

[Haley]

Charged with public intoxication.

[Brooke]

Oh.

[Haley]

After witnesses said he exposed himself and attempted to have sex with an ATM at the Borough Bar and Grill in Murfreesboro.

[Guest]

Wait, how? Was he, like, a college kid or like an old.

[Haley]

Oh, no, no. 40, 49? Oh.

[Guest]

Oh, wait, I think I know, like. No, I'm just joking.

[Brooke]

He might have been having a rough. A rough week, you know? I don't know about the picnic table, though. Like, the splinters. What are we doing?

[Chachi]

I need to know which it was. Entry in the 18.

[Haley]

Mr. Hudson entered the bar and walked into. Walked to the atm. Once at the atm, he pulled down his pants, underwear, and exposing his genitals, then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the atm. The suspect then walked around the bar wearing no pants while he hip thrusted in the air. This is very, very funny.

[Brooke]

My kind of guy. I wish I was there.

[Haley]

They escorted him outside. Once outside, he again exposed himself and engaged sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.

[Chachi]

What a scene to witness, though.

[Brooke]

I mean, that dude was having a good time. That was just a good time. Gone too far. Yeah.

[Haley]

Good time. Gone too far.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, all right. Who wants to kick this off? You guys? I got some good ones this week.

[Chachi]

I have some great ones, too. And I didn't even ask.

[Brooke]

I asked.

[Haley]

My DMS are full with these. Go ahead, Haley.

[Chachi]

Okay.

[Haley]

I got one.

[Brooke]

Yeah. Yeah. If you guys want to submit and make it on the show, go to any one of our Instagrams every Sunday. And just submit ask, I'll confess ATC before it starts and we'll answer.

[Chachi]

Okay. So my dad passed away nine years ago and was cremated. He was in a pretty well known motorcycle club and would party with his adult kids. Fast forward to two years ago. My brother and I were out drinking and blowing lines. When we went back to his house, we were drinking still and decided to mix a tiny bit of our dad's ashes in a line and snort it.

[Haley]

No.

[Chachi]

We vowed never to tell anyone until now.

[Haley]

You snorted your dad's ashes?

[Brooke]

I think that's kind of cool.

[Chachi]

I like it.

[Brooke]

Salute.

[Chachi]

I mean, I see both sides.

[Brooke]

I do too. They wanted to be closer to their dad. I got some of Bill's ashes. I should sprinkle some on my rice. His death dates coming up.

[Chachi]

Put some in your magnesium.

[Brooke]

Just put some of my magnesium. God. I'll go to the hospital because I'll freak out. I mean, I. I can see like being. I. I've been really up to where I've done some up before. So I know that they were probably just on. On a sick one and just.

[Chachi]

I have a feeling it was probably the brother's idea.

[Brooke]

I don't know. I think it sounds like. Listen, when you. You get two up people together happens so party.

[Haley]

Someone's asking our advice. They said that they've been seeing a guy for about a month now and they're both lawyers and.

[Brooke]

Lawyers or voyeurs?

[Haley]

Lawyers. Okay, they're lawyers.

[Brooke]

Big difference.

[Haley]

And they work in two different legal fields at law firms over an hour away from each other. The last time I saw him, he did tell me he is considering bringing his clients to the law firm that I have been at for four years. And he would become a partner at that same firm. So he would essentially then become one of my bosses. Should I end things before that happens? I don't want to be the associate who's sleeping with the boss. But in all fairness, I was sleeping with him before he became my boss. I'm very afraid to mix business with pleasure.

[Brooke]

That's a good one, Haley.

[Guest]

Yeah. Be happy.

[Brooke]

I think that if you end things with him before he gets there, it's going to make things awkward between you guys or you're going to have suit like, sexual tension all the time and end up just banging in the. Are you horny, honey?

[Chachi]

No, I'm not.

[Brooke]

And they'll end up banging in the office. But I also see her other point as like, she doesn't, you know, but they were. You guys were dating before.

[Haley]

I feel like it should just be said to the firm like ahead of time before.

[Guest]

Send a memo or something happens.

[Chachi]

Send an email.

[Haley]

Yeah, send an email. Per my last email.

[Brooke]

Are they not public publicly dating? Is that what the problem?

[Haley]

It doesn't seem like it's. I mean, it's maybe be public. Yeah. Yeah.

[Brooke]

But they might not hire him if. If they're dating. Some firms are like that.

[Haley]

Like they won't let mix business and pleasure.

[Brooke]

Yeah, that's a tough one. I don't really know how to answer that.

[Haley]

I don't know.

[Chachi]

But I love sexual tension.

[Brooke]

I think if. Listen, I always say follow your heart though. Like if you think this dude is the one and you guys like have a chance.

[Haley]

I always feel like it would be messier to end it too early.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I do too.

[Guest]

Yeah. And I didn't hear any other issues like if he was like cheating or. But this seems to be the only issues. How you feel. How you think you're going to feel when everyone else finds out. That doesn't seem like a.

[Haley]

That is true. You're kind of playing off of an emotion of what could happen versus what is happening.

[Brooke]

We call that future tripping.

[Guest]

There you go.

[Brooke]

Your future trippin. So, I mean. But future Maxine. Yes. Future maxing. Yeah. I think I say if I can just go for it and just be honest with people.

[Chachi]

Do it in the dream.

[Brooke]

Go from there. All right, guys, I've got some good ones this week.

[Haley]

Yeah, that's.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Why are you so horny?

[Chachi]

I don't know.

[Brooke]

You got your little shiver me timbers going on over there.

[Haley]

Sexual.

[Chachi]

It's probably all the year.

[Haley]

That's the lead up. Okay.

[Chachi]

No, she's a European rom com.

[Haley]

You watch all of. Like, you're the person that they specifically make short movies for. Yes. That are like these lead up.

[Chachi]

She bought the enemies to love.

[Haley]

Watch the end of it. Like, you know the ads that go out of herself.

[Brooke]

Yeah. You're like in your head about all that stuff.

[Haley]

She loves you.

[Brooke]

I mean, look at the porn she watches. Okay. 80s vintage porn.

[Haley]

But then doesn't like the climax of it.

[Brooke]

That's a storyline. She loves the storyline. She loves the tease. That's what it is.

[Haley]

Yeah. Because she'll be talking to a guy.

[Brooke]

She's a romance novel reader. Yeah. That's the type of person she is.

[Chachi]

I think that's why it fails with guys too.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

Because I'm searching for that and charming.

[Brooke]

Never get that. Yeah.

[Guest]

They're not Walking up to you like, hey, did you order this pizza?

[Brooke]

Listen, hold out for that guy who does finally fulfill that.

[Haley]

I am.

[Chachi]

I want to live in Europe. So I think he's over there.

[Haley]

He's going to leave us for Europe.

[Brooke]

I started a buddy situationship after getting out of a bad relationship. My friends with benefit was a dreamy 6:2 bartender I worked with at the time. He was hot. He had confidence and a swagger I couldn't deny. He bragged at how he loved going down on women and promised when I got to experience that it would change my world. That with the fact that he had a big dick, I was genuinely giddy when the time came to experience this alleged mind blowing experience. We're in my bed and he starts making his way down south. He's butt ass naked, fully bricked up, and he starts his magic. I'm laying there trying to get into it because it wasn't quite what I was expecting. And then it happened. He farted one long poof. And it just kept going like nothing happened. And he just kept going like nothing happened. It smelled very bad and I didn't know what to do. I pushed myself up and said I didn't think I could get into this, into the right mood. And he said we should chill out for a bit. He was offended and then told me that maybe, just maybe, I had a weird vagina. No, bro. Maybe you should make an effort to hold it in when you've talked such a big game.

[Guest]

Was he in, like, sniper position or.

[Brooke]

I think he was Crouching Tiger.

[Guest]

Crouching Tiger. Oh, that'll do it.

[Haley]

Frustration was wild.

[Brooke]

Stop, dude. Okay, first of all, ladies, if a man tells you he can eat pussy, he cannot.

[Haley]

Nope.

[Brooke]

Any dude that brags about eating the cat and being a fogging a pro at it does not. Can't even find the knob. All right? They're liars. I've. Trust me. They don't know what they're fucking talking about. Secondly, normally men who have big dicks and swagger and are super hot are just gonna be a letdown.

[Chachi]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

Not one of them is gonna be a great story to write home about unless you just them and leave and never talk to them again. Other than that, the majority of the time, they are a disappointment. Speaking from experience. So, yeah, I have one time.

[Haley]

Oh, I'm sad.

[Chachi]

Say it. Ready?

[Brooke]

I'm thirsty. One time, there was this guy, we used to call him Carlos Asada because he was

[Haley]

happy Cinco de Mayo, everyone.

[Brooke]

Happy Cinco de Mayo. So fitting. All right, so we called him Carlos Asada because he was so hot. I'm talking like, oh, my God, this dude was just unbelievably hot and just perfect. Body in shape, beautiful face. And one night I finally got to take him for a spin and we went to his house and I had been drinking tequila and all that stuff. Anyways, I go down on him and he smells so bad. So bad to the point where I didn't even want to have sex with him. I just ended up sucking him off. I get in my car to go home and all I can smell is that smell of him. And I'm literally on the 215 with a bag from Smith's, a grocery bag, projectile vomiting as I'm driving down the freeway because he smelled so bad.

[Haley]

Nada on the asada.

[Brooke]

Yes. Nada on the asada, baby. I'm telling you. No, no, no. It was so bad, dude. God, I never looked at him the same and never fucking.

[Haley]

Never.

[Brooke]

Didn't double dip.

[Chachi]

It didn't run back.

[Brooke]

It was just putrid. It was so. I don't know. You know how some guys come. Smells really bad. Yeah, it was.

[Haley]

It was that she's having PTSD flashbacks.

[Brooke]

It was that. It was that. I can't do it if guys. If you don't eat right and you're just eating garbage every day, your ejaculation is going to smell so bad. Clean it up.

[Haley]

I'm kind of gagging a little bit.

[Chachi]

Stop. Now I'm a little nauseous.

[Brooke]

So anyways, honey, we're sorry that you experienced that. So. Yeah.

[Haley]

All right.

[Brooke]

Yep.

[Haley]

How the.

[Brooke]

Do I follow? I told you guys I got some good ones this week.

[Haley]

Okay.

[Chachi]

I. I don't know if this was supposed to be an ostel confess.

[Brooke]

Oh.

[Chachi]

But I feel like I should read it.

[Haley]

Okay.

[Chachi]

And I googled it to confirm.

[Brooke]

Oh, gosh.

[Haley]

Oh, my God. Is this the one? Okay, go ahead.

[Brooke]

Hey, how do you know about it?

[Chachi]

She got the same.

[Haley]

I got the same one.

[Brooke]

Oh.

[Chachi]

I said, should I read this?

[Haley]

All right.

[Chachi]

Hey, my name's Michael Phillips. I was recently in the news for having the world's smallest penis. You can Google it. Do you have any advice on what I can do in the bedroom to make up for my small penis?

[Haley]

Give it a go.

[Chachi]

Michael Phillips, a 38 year old from North Carolina, has garnered media attention for having a diagnosed micro penis measuring 0.38 inches. He would erect.

[Brooke]

He wrote me too. Oh, yeah, he wrote me too. I didn't believe him.

[Haley]

Yeah, we. I literally. She googled it.

[Chachi]

3, 8 inches when erect.

[Brooke]

Damn.

[Haley]

Okay, wait, wait. Point three.

[Chachi]

That's not even half an inch. So that's like this when erect.

[Brooke]

Is he into small penis humiliation? Because there's a fetish for that.

[Haley]

It's a belly button. I don't know. Right.

[Brooke]

That's a freaking toenail.

[Haley]

The tic tac.

[Guest]

Oof.

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[Brooke]

What's the circumference on it? Is it like a little log or.

[Chachi]

I didn't try. There was a.

[Brooke]

We're trying to work with it.

[Haley]

Yeah. The fact that you didn't send a photo with it. Yeah, like, very disappointing.

[Chachi]

Kind of.

[Brooke]

Can we follow up? Can we get a photo or DM him back?

[Haley]

I want him back.

[Brooke]

And just say, hey, we're reading your thing on the pod, but we can. Are you okay showing it? Like, I mean, we're not going to show it on the podcast, but in order to like help him and ask him if he's into small penis humiliation.

[Haley]

Yeah. Like what turns you on?

[Brooke]

Yeah, does he want something like that?

[Haley]

I understand he's trying to like, I

[Brooke]

mean, is this a genuine question? Like, how many women has he been with?

[Chachi]

What can I do to make up for it?

[Haley]

I mean, make up for it. There's toys.

[Brooke]

Yeah, there's toys. Fingers.

[Haley]

I mean, mouth.

[Brooke]

You can learn how to.

[Chachi]

Really?

[Brooke]

Yeah, like do that.

[Haley]

Put in some work in learning the human body like that.

[Brooke]

There's so much. I think the older you get too, and this is gonna like age Me. But it's like there's so much more than just sex for a relationship.

[Haley]

I can't agree more.

[Brooke]

If you're a good human and you make a woman feel amazing and you make her laugh and you are just a sweetheart of a man, there's gonna be a woman out there who has been looking for you her whole life, and she's not gonna care how big your dick is.

[Haley]

I could not agree more. Is all about, like, literally how someone makes you feel.

[Brooke]

Yeah. And I mean, there. There's penis extensions now that you can get. You can get a penis extension and use it in the bedroom, or you can get one surgically put on.

[Haley]

Surgically?

[Brooke]

Yeah. They have penis extensions now that you

[Chachi]

can have surgically strap on.

[Haley]

Yeah, yeah.

[Brooke]

I mean, you could do that, too, but it's not going to feel good for him.

[Haley]

True.

[Brooke]

You know, so he wants something that's going to feel good for him. Chachi is very uncomfortable with this conversation.

[Chachi]

He's about to leave.

[Brooke]

Come here. Come here, honey.

[Chachi]

What do I say?

[Haley]

Hey, we're on the podcast talking about.

[Chachi]

I got that part.

[Haley]

Yeah. And just be like, show me your. Are you willing to share so that we can go.

[Chachi]

Are you willing to share with the class? Yeah.

[Brooke]

I mean, he taught. I mean, it's made headlines, obviously.

[Chachi]

That's a photo. Who measured it?

[Brooke]

Is what I want to know.

[Haley]

Do they have a picture online?

[Chachi]

Are you willing to share with us a photo? Because we're curious.

[Haley]

Yes, because we're curious. What is his name again?

[Chachi]

Michael Phillips.

[Haley]

It's a crazy name.

[Brooke]

Why isn't that the swimmer's name?

[Haley]

Oh, sorry, guys.

[Brooke]

Never mind. I was with you.

[Haley]

It's spelled the same way.

[Brooke]

Yeah, I thought it was the same thing.

[Chachi]

And Phillips.

[Haley]

Look, they're spelled the exact same way.

[Brooke]

My husband and I left a black tie concert dressed like we had money and manners. And I'm feeling off, like something is brewing. We're walking past a church, of course, because timing is cruel. And suddenly my stomach starts doing backflips. I'm standing there in full glam, trying to decide if I'm about to throw up, pass away, or absolutely destroy the sidewalk. Spoiler. It was not throw up. There was no time, no dignity, no backup plan. I just looked at my husband, who is already sensing danger. And in one swift, catastrophic decision, I hiked my dress up and accepted my fate. On that curb next to the house of God, this man watched, frozen in pure horror as I unleashed something that can only be described as biblical. And it didn't stop at one point, I realized I had created a situation so severe that I physically had to scoot forward to avoid making contact with my own consequences. Dressed to the nines outside of church. My husband reconsidering everything. Anyway, if anyone asks, the concert was lovely.

[Chachi]

Forgot there was a concert.

[Guest]

Which concert was.

[Haley]

It was a Coldplay.

[Guest]

Imagine.

[Brooke]

I swear to God, I was about to say Coldplay.

[Chachi]

It sounds like it would happen before.

[Brooke]

Yeah.

[Chachi]

Concert.

[Brooke]

Did she have the glizzies? That sucks on a church. Listen, at least she. He's still your husband.

[Haley]

Yeah.

[Brooke]

That man loves you.

[Haley]

That talking about making a girl feel good. I'm sure he didn't make her feel weird afterwards.

[Brooke]

That man loves you. That's how I. If I in front of my husband, he would 100 be completely fine. He would never look at me different. I've seen my husband on the side of the road and wipe his ass with a T shirt.

[Guest]

No, I do it too. I mean, not. I mean, if I saw Brooke, if it happened to Brooke, I'd probably too just make her feel better.

[Chachi]

Brooke shits are like sparkly.

[Haley]

Yeah. You know, like the troll that shits like glitter. I feel like that's what Brooke is.

[Chachi]

Brooke. Yeah.

[Guest]

Brooke doesn't even seem like I would be horrible.

[Haley]

I don't think she's.

[Guest]

I don't think I've never seen it.

[Chachi]

I don't think she does.

[Brooke]

I know my donkey trucks. All right. Those be letting loose. And I'm like, damn, I can't believe that came out of me. It's rough.

[Haley]

Hey, can we open our presents real quick?

[Brooke]

So Jason gave us some presents and we don't know what's in here.

[Haley]

This whole segment. This whole segment could be cut.

[Brooke]

Yeah. All right, you ready?

[Haley]

I'm not prepared. All together humor.

[Brooke]

Dude. He stapled these or taped them shut.

[Chachi]

Christmas bags for me and it's.

[Haley]

Yeah, you used my Christmas bag.

[Chachi]

May fit.

[Brooke]

Do you want this back?

[Haley]

No.

[Brooke]

Okay. I was like, I can't get it open.

[Chachi]

I got tape. You got.

[Haley]

We're taped.

[Chachi]

I'm nervous.

[Haley]

God, you guys are faster than me.

[Chachi]

What the hell?

[Haley]

Mine's great.

[Brooke]

Mine is great.

[Haley]

What does yours say?

[Chachi]

Wait,

[Haley]

wait. Oh, they're different. Jason.

[Brooke]

Mine says. Mine says eating beef Blasting queefs. What does yours say? I mean, this is.

[Haley]

Lesbians eat what?

[Brooke]

Ah, cat. And it's got a bunch of cats on the thing. That is so funny, dude.

[Haley]

Mine says in my cream pie era.

[Brooke]

Oh, my God. That is awesome.

[Chachi]

Pound my cake, daddy.

[Brooke]

I love that.

[Haley]

Do we wear these next episode we

[Brooke]

should yeah, let's wear them next episode.

[Haley]

We're wearing these.

[Brooke]

Totally down. Jason, where did you find these?

[Haley]

This is insane.

[Brooke]

Do you like this? Eating beef blasting Queefs? He doesn't even know what's happening. All right, we love you guys. See you guys next week. Bye.