Ask, Tell, Confess: I Can't Believe How Many Skid Marks He Left

Summary

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Dumb Blonde Podcast

Episode: Ask, Tell, Confess: I Can't Believe How Many Skid Marks He Left

Date: July 17, 2026
Host: Bunnie XO
Guests: Matt Matthews, Jaime, others

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Overview

This episode of “Ask, Tell, Confess" dives deep into listeners’ most outrageous, hilarious, and sometimes shocking family secrets and embarrassing confessions. Host Bunnie XO, joined by Matt Matthews and friends, reads submissions ranging from revenge stories and classic family drama to truly cringeworthy tales of bodily mishaps and scams—no topic, or body part, is off-limits! Expect plenty of laughter, some jaw-dropping moments, and honest, unfiltered takes on the shared (often awkward) realities of life.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Stories

Opening Banter: A Week in Review & “Titty Talk”

• [02:17] Lighthearted kickoff with comments on “what a week” it’s been.
• Playful discussion about Mimi and her “new titties” (boob job), with much laughter.
• "Mimi's over there holding their titties. Mimi's got some new titties...They look so good. Yeah, come on." – Host 1 ([02:45])

MAIN THEME: Wildest Family Secrets

1. Revenge Gone Wild: Curling Iron Incident

• [03:44] Listener recounts an Arkansas story: wife catches cheating husband, seduces him, ties him up, inserts a curling iron, turns it on, and leaves. He requires reconstructive surgery and she serves jail time.
• Panel reacts in shock, with dark humor around the idea.
• “You have to be next level insane to be able to physically hurt somebody like that. I mean, a curling iron up the ass.” – Host 1 ([04:41])
• Wild speculation about “external use only” warning labels and imagined aftermath.

2. Grandma Scammed by ‘Elon Musk’

• [09:31] Listener’s 80-year-old grandma sends $15k and nudes to someone pretending to be Elon Musk, kicks her husband out, gets scammed, and banned from bank accounts; was even escorted from a grocery store “waiting for Elon.”
• “She’s just batshit crazy.” – Matt ([10:21])
• Discussion of how common scam victims are (shout-out to Host 1’s mom, a banker).

3. The Skid Mark Confession: The Episode’s Title Story

• [11:34] Listener hooks up with old high school crush; epic sex but finds major skid marks (poop stains) left on her white sheets—twice.
• "Skids, baby. Skids. Not just a little boop, like skin. Hours and hours. I’m so OCD...Bleached it all. He comes over...Nope. Skid marks on the white fucking sheets again." – Host 1 / Bunny ([12:07])
• Hosts dissolve into mixture of horror and hilarity.
• Discussion about hygiene etiquette: “You have to wash your asses, please.” – Host 1 ([14:14])
• “Every man should carry around dude wipes or baby wipes.” – Matt ([14:49])
• The group shares childhood trauma about underwear stains, and compares stories.

4. Old Man at the Wedding: Creepy Relative Surprise

• [17:52] Listener recalls being 17 and having her 70-something great-grandmother’s boyfriend forcefully try to French kiss her at a family wedding.
• “Pulls me in for a hug and then attempts to shove his tongue in my mouth...for a good 10 seconds just tries wiggling that tongue in my mouth.” – Host 2 ([17:54])
• Group expresses disgust, stresses the need to speak up about such incidents.

5. Incestuous Family Reveal

• [19:08] A cousin’s secret prom with another cousin, who turned out to be related, escalates to sex at the afterparty. Blown up and exposed at Thanksgiving, resulting in family estrangement.
• “Cousin’s brother was the one who told...I did get a lot of DMs that said, like, either they married a cousin.” – Matt ([19:45, 20:13])
• Panel discusses prevalence of surprising family interconnections/inbred themes.

6. Pube-Prank Drink: Petty Step-Mom Revenge

• [23:03] In revenge against an awful stepmother, a brother-in-law stirs her drink with his pubes—she’s none the wiser and asks for another.
• “After he made it, he reached in his pants and pulled out some pubes, put it in her drink and stirred it around...To this day, no one outside of our family knows that that happened.” – Host 2 ([23:03])
• Crew debates whether you'd notice a pubic hair in your drink (eww!).

7. The Eyeball-Spoon Story: Hardcore Cowboy Justice

• [24:44] Story of a great-uncle who “took a guy’s eyeball out with a spoon over a bad horse deal.”
• “You gotta be a real weirdo to be able to do that.” – Host 1 ([25:13])
• Host muses about Wild West legends and family folklore.

8. Secret Death: Autoerotic Asphyxiation

• [26:44] Listener’s cousin dies suddenly in Vegas; family fears murder, but it's revealed to be accidental death from autoerotic asphyxiation.
• “Bro had an autoerotic asphyxia.” – Jaime ([27:29])
• Brief, factual (sometimes awkwardly clinical) riff on the practice, with mentions of the INXS lead singer.

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Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On family secrets: “There’s a lot of messiness in my DMs about this...evil females. And like, ladies, I’m normally on your side, but some of y’all are crazy.” – Host 1 ([22:17])
• On ‘dude wipes’: “It’s 2026. There’s no excuse for you to have a dirty [butt].” – Host 1 ([14:51])
• On awkward sex hygiene: “How do we get to the point where you’re just scooting your ass across the sheets? What’s happening?” – Matt ([13:33])
• On old family legends: “That might be one of those old wives tales that, like, gets passed down in families, you know? And it’s like...by the time it got to the great, great granddaughter...” – Host 1 ([25:34])
• On being frank: “Are we gonna film another ass talking fest before we go to LA?” – Host 1 ([28:27])

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Fun Tangents & Sidelines

• Repeated (sometimes gross-out) riffing on butthole bleaching and 80s “bush” porn ([06:11], [21:21]).
• Jokes about handling children, pets, and scheduling sex as parents ([24:20–24:41]).
• Planning an LA trip and hoping to avoid TMZ drama ([16:58–17:32]).
• An inside nod to loyal tabloid reporter Harvey Levin and TMZ’s relationship with Bunny ([17:23–17:47]).

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Closing & Listener Engagement

• [28:32] Listeners are encouraged to comment with new “Ask, Tell, Confess” topics for future episodes:
  “You guys leave comments below, let us know what topics you want us to cover...And if we use yours, we’ll shout out your username.” – Host 1

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If You Only Hear One Quote...

"You have to wash your asses, please." – Host 1
([14:14])

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Episode Segments with Timestamps

• [02:17] — Weekly catch-up, “titty talk,” setting the stage
• [03:22] — Theme announced: Craziest family secrets/stories
• [03:44] — Story 1: Curling iron revenge
• [09:31] — Story 2: Grandma, ‘Elon Musk,’ and bank scams
• [11:34] — Story 3: Skid mark hookup confession
• [17:52] — Story 4: Creepy wedding encounter
• [19:08] — Story 5: Incest revealed at Thanksgiving
• [23:03] — Story 6: Step-mom’s pube cocktail
• [24:44] — Story 7: Eyeball removed with a spoon
• [26:44] — Story 8: Secret family death by autoerotic asphyxiation
• [28:32] — Wrap-up, LA trip plans, listener engagement

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Tone: Raw, honest, raucous, playful—no subject too taboo.
Perfect for: Fans of outrageous true-life confessions, raunchy humor, and no-filter discussions on life’s weirdest moments.

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Transcript

[Bunny]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

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[Bunny]

Ask Tell Confess.

[Matt]

Ask tell confess.

[Bunny]

Hello Friends,

[Host 1]

welcome back to another

[Host 2]

Ask, Tell, Confess.

[Host 1]

How's everybody doing, man? It has. It has been a week. It has been a fucking week, dude. Holy shit balls. And it is done. Fine.

[Bunny]

Over.

[Host 1]

The week is over.

[Host 2]

It's over.

[Host 1]

Mimi's over there holding their titties. Mimi's got some new titties. I haven't even revealed my titties yet. I think you should show everybody yours.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

They look so good. Yeah, Come on.

[Matt]

They look like frankincense.

[Host 1]

No, they don't. Yours look so good.

[Matt]

I know. I'll reveal them next time.

[Host 1]

Matt Matthews is in the studio right now. Do we have a microphone for him in case he wants to give any ad libs? Just give him a microphone. Ad lib. So let's get down to it. What was the topic today for us?

[Matt]

We want to know everyone's family secrets.

[Host 1]

Yeah, worst or. Yeah, craziest family secret that was dropped at. At a holiday.

[Matt]

Yeah, no, I just got.

[Host 2]

Oh, mine wasn't dropped that as a holiday. It was just.

[Matt]

Just family secrets.

[Bunny]

Damn.

[Host 1]

I added the holiday on there, so maybe I shouldn't have done that.

[Matt]

Oh, what did you get? Some good ones, I think.

[Host 2]

A little spiciness.

[Host 1]

All right, who wants to go first?

[Host 2]

Extra.

[Matt]

You go ahead.

[Host 2]

Oh, okay. So this person said, in my grandma's small town in Arkansas, a lady found out her husband was cheating on her, but he did not know that she knew. So one night she decided to dress sexy and cook dinner to get him going to. Then lead him to the bedroom for what he thought was a good time. She blindfolded him and took him to the bed to handcuff him and tie him up. Then proceeded to start to get. To get it on as nothing was wrong. And proceeded to put a curling iron up his ass. She plugged it in and turned it all the way up and then walked out and left him alone. He was so badly burnt by the time someone found him that he had to have reconstruction surgery on his ass and insides. He's still alive and she served her time. Not saying people deserve pain, but damn, she was creative.

[Host 1]

I heard about a pimp in Vegas doing that to somebody. That's crazy.

[Matt]

What the hell did you just say?

[Host 1]

That's kind of crazy. You have to be next level insane to be able to physically hurt somebody like that. I mean, a. A curling iron up the ass.

[Matt]

That's why they have the tag on it that says for external use only.

[Commercial Announcer]

Oh.

[Host 1]

Oh, you think? Is not supposed to be in your.

[Matt]

That's crazy.

[Host 1]

No, that's that's his little.

[Host 2]

But also, like, did he not complain that you're putting up there in the first place?

[Host 1]

Well, his hands were tied.

[Host 2]

I don't know. Like, what if he liked that and then he didn't know.

[Host 1]

I mean, as soon as it's hot going in. Oh, she turned it inside of him. Maybe they were just freaky. I don't know.

[Matt]

No, that was crazy. I feel like handcuffing was the reason they even got up there.

[Host 2]

Ah, that makes sense.

[Host 1]

I feel like you got to be one weird to want to harm somebody that bad. Like, I've had men cheat on me before, and I've never in my life wanted to.

[Matt]

I wouldn't have thought about.

[Host 1]

No, leave them with a curling iron, just burning their rectum. Like, that's crazy.

[Matt]

The fact that she left him, though. Turned it on and left.

[Host 1]

Do you think it sizzled?

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Matt]

All his little.

[Host 1]

Because you know how the buttholes moist is probably. It's like when you just probably, like, melted onto it.

[Host 2]

And how do they, like, you know when you, like, cook the pieces of, like, beef.

[Host 1]

Salami. Salami, yeah. On the rock. I know exactly what you're talking about.

[Host 2]

On the rock.

[Host 1]

I wonder what his butthole looks like now. Probably like a piece of, like, cooked tuna, right? You know, like how tuna goes from being red, like, white.

[Host 2]

Definitely. It's definitely super dark.

[Host 1]

Or like, when girls bleach their butthole too much, it starts to look like a piece of chicken.

[Host 2]

What?

[Matt]

That? I don't know. That's very interesting. Yeah, like, when girls give that one a goo.

[Host 1]

When girls bleach their butthole, it looks like a piece of, like, boiled chicken after a while, like, because they're doing

[Jaime]

it so much like shredded chicken or.

[Host 1]

Yeah, possibly.

[Host 2]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Host 1]

Even you like that. You have that texture.

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[Matt]

Do I bleach my boy home?

[Host 1]

Oh, hell no. Oh, you got a. A ground round brown stomach.

[Matt]

Oh, my God. My shit ain't brown. My mat is pink.

[Host 1]

Is it pink? I bet it is because you're a little fire crotch underneath there.

[Matt]

No, I'm not. I'm not a ginger bitch.

[Host 1]

How many more times I gotta tell you this? I'm always sad she'd be calling him

[Matt]

a ginger every chance she gets.

[Host 1]

Every chance. I can see it. That little strawberry. He does have a little bit of red in your. You got a lot of like. Yeah, she's great.

[Matt]

She's good. She's nice.

[Host 1]

She's purring again.

[Matt]

All right, go ahead. Wait. I saw this funny ass tick tock the other day and the girl was talking about how she got like reconstructive surgery and they pulled her so tight upwards that now she pees out straight.

[Host 1]

No.

[Host 2]

Yes.

[Matt]

She said she has to like, lean down into the toilet because they pulled her so tight that her vagina now just pees out like, damn.

[Host 1]

Where the hell did she go?

[Matt]

I don't know.

[Host 1]

That's a lawsuit. That's up.

[Matt]

Imagine that though, the first time you go to pee. How does she have sex straight, not down.

[Host 1]

Does he got to like maybe angle straight on? Like she's like. He's like making out with his chest when he's on top. He has to like. He has to like just scooch, scooch on up in Here. Yeah, just let me scooch on up in here. Damn, dude. I feel bad for not making fun of you, sister.

[Matt]

I hate that.

[Host 1]

Yeah, that's crazy. I'm never getting surgery done on my fucking shit like that.

[Matt]

All right, this one. This one says that my 80 year old grandma is convinced that she's talking to Elon Musk. She's given this person $15,000 and has forced my grandpa to move out. Oh, and even sent several naked pictures to this man.

[Host 1]

How old is she?

[Matt]

She's 80.

[Host 1]

Damn.

[Matt]

When Elon hacked into her icloud with information that she gave him, he sent her naked pictures out to everyone in grandpa's contact list. Family, his friends, everyone. He also hacked her bank account with information that she gave him. Began running money in and out of her account. She is now banned from having her bank account. Just recently, the cops had to escort her home after walking around a local grocery store for four hours waiting for Elon to come pick her up. We had her tested for dementia and Alzheimer's and it came back completely clean. She's just batshit crazy.

[Host 1]

Damn.

[Host 2]

Probably just renewed her driver's license, too.

[Matt]

A hundred percent again. Yeah. Poor grandma.

[Host 1]

I mean, well, we're. She shouldn't be talking to strangers on the Internet. And given. I don't understand that, you know, like, there's a lot of people who get. Who get scammed because of us.

[Host 2]

You know what the bunnies jumping on the trampoline got me? So I might be that when I'm older.

[Matt]

She falls for AI all the time, bro. It's wild as you re.

[Host 2]

You reposted that one. The bunnies jumping on the train. You remember that one?

[Host 1]

I don't remember. I repost a lot of my. Don't you guys? Don't look at my reposts. That's where I.

[Host 2]

Don't look at mine, look at mine.

[Host 1]

I repost more than I post. So, yeah,

[Host 2]

I live in my repost.

[Matt]

My mom used to work in banking for, like, her whole life. And the amount of people who would get scammed is insane. They'd be coming in and they're like, why is my whole bank account drained? And she would go down the wormhole and they're like, well, did you talk to someone on the phone for 20 minutes and give them your b.

[Host 1]

Your routing number?

[Matt]

I did, yeah.

[Host 2]

They said they were going to say they were going to rob. Yeah, yeah.

[Matt]

No, it happens so much.

[Host 2]

I can't.

[Host 1]

All right, this one's a little long, but here we go. Hooked up with this Guy I've had a crush on since high school, so

[Bunny]

well over 13 years.

[Host 1]

Great sex. I'm talking porn star status. Amazing night. Five hours of fun, bro. Five hours.

[Host 2]

Tag me out.

[Host 1]

Dude, that's too long. No, Teflon

[Matt]

at that point is wild.

[Host 1]

Oh, and then it just swells up like a baseball glove. And you can't get anything in there.

[Matt]

The next day, it just gets all swollen.

[Host 1]

Terrible.

[Matt]

Hate when that happens, huh?

[Host 1]

I love it. Anyways, couldn't have been more stoked he leaves in the morning.

[Bunny]

And looking back at the bed after

[Host 1]

taking my shower, what do I see? Skids, baby. Skids. Not just a little boop, like skin. Hours and hours. I'm so ocd. I said to myself, oh my God, you're kidding me. What's the odds? Bleached it all. He comes over a few days later and we. Okay, if you're finding big old skid marks, you're gonna circle back. Was the sex that good? Okay, Bunny,

[Matt]

I know you're lying. Oh, my God.

[Host 1]

Anyways, bleached it all. He comes over a few days later and we get to business again. And I'm thinking maybe it was a one off. Hopefully. Nope. Skid marks on the white fucking sheets again. On the newly Clorox everything. Marking his damn damn territory without permission. Genuinely don't know if he even noticed, but damn, dude, I'm about to tell this dude he's just got to do better. How do I say it nicely?

[Host 2]

You don't cut himself off. That's what I did.

[Matt]

You're staying, dookie butt.

[Host 1]

He's not wiping.

[Host 2]

He's.

[Host 1]

He's. Apparently he's not wiping.

[Matt]

Maybe he's pushing too hard and he has a loose butthole. He might like it in the ass, though. And that gets a little too loose. And he's just spraying the sheets.

[Host 1]

He's not wiping. He's not wiping. That's all that boils down to, dude, is like not wiping.

[Matt]

Okay, but also, how do we get to the point that where you're just scooting your ass across the sheets? What's happening?

[Host 1]

Well, there was this one time. I mean, you guys remember the client that I had that I made like hella money off of that one night and we were doing hella drugs and cocaine. And I'm telling you, every time he would scooch forward to do a line, he would literally leave a skid mark. So we call his nickname was Shitter because it just. He. By the time we left, those white hotel sheets were literally just had brown Streaks all in him.

[Matt]

Dude.

[Host 1]

It was. He paid us a lot of money, okay? So that's why we stayed.

[Matt]

But I'm upset. I don't like that.

[Host 1]

Listen, guys, you got to. You have to wash your asses, please.

[Matt]

How many have you ever left baby wipes?

[Host 2]

No.

[Matt]

No.

[Jaime]

I am so, like, scared about that kind of thing. And I think. Yeah, well, I think I was also, when I was a kid, probably shamed for it a little bit, you know.

[Host 2]

You had.

[Host 1]

Did you leave skid marks?

[Jaime]

Yeah, well, you know, when you have the tighty whities, it's just bound to happen. And I think someone called it out when I was.

[Matt]

You know, you've got trauma.

[Jaime]

Yeah. So I'm like, I'll freaking jump in the shower if I have to.

[Host 1]

I mean, but it's. It's. I think every man. Every man should carry around, dude. Wipes or baby wipes?

[Matt]

100. Yeah.

[Juan Naula]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

There's no. It's 20, 26. There's no excuse for you to have a dirty.

[Matt]

No period. Spray it down.

[Host 1]

What? Male. Have you ever farted a wet fart?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

And did you. Did it go on your pants?

[Matt]

No.

[Host 1]

Oh, no. I've on myself once, but I've never, like, had a. Like on yourself. And a skid mark is not the same thing.

[Matt]

I haven't myself yet, guys.

[Host 2]

I haven't either.

[Matt]

You've never shit yourself. No.

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[Bunny]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Juan Naula]

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[Matt]

I know.

[Host 1]

I wish I could be a part of that club. I myself last week.

[Commercial Announcer]

Yeah, you did.

[Matt]

She goes, you guys want to See it. We all said no, no, we don't.

[Host 2]

Show us every other.

[Matt]

She would show us. She's showing us photos of it in the toilet.

[Juan Naula]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

Hey, that one was very impressive though.

[Matt]

The LA one. Yeah, I. It's burning my brain.

[Host 1]

I haven't had one like that since.

[Matt]

This one goes. It's a nice color.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, I know.

[Commercial Announcer]

I said, is that.

[Host 1]

You like that? Since. I don't know what got into me out there. It must have been the LA food.

[Matt]

But I was.

[Host 1]

We're going to LA next week too, guys.

[Matt]

Can't wait.

[Host 2]

Like, we haven't been in so long.

[Host 1]

If you see me running down the street streaking. No, you didn't. I'm about to turn the up in la, guys. So just so everybody is aware, that's where I'm turning the up at.

[Matt]

I can't wait, guys.

[Host 1]

It's gonna be so fun. We'll do it all.

[Host 2]

Do we cut that out? Yeah, yeah, cut that out. But that's our spot. Yeah, let's go, please.

[Host 1]

We don't need TMZ showing up there.

[Matt]

No.

[Host 1]

Shout out, though, to Harvey Levin, because

[Matt]

he really had your back.

[Host 1]

I love that, man. Dude, I can't wait to give him a hug when I meet him. Like, he always has my back and everything.

[Matt]

They did a live the other day.

[Host 2]

Wait on the.

[Matt]

Live on, bro. Like, he dead ass had Bunny's back so hard in that entire conversation. Go him.

[Host 1]

No, he's awesome, dude. They've. You know, honestly, TMZ has always been nice to me, so I'm. I'd like to keep it that way.

[Matt]

Yeah, there are friends.

[Host 1]

Yeah, we think.

[Matt]

Can we continue that?

[Host 2]

It was my aunt.

[Host 1]

Uncle's wedding day.

[Host 2]

My step. Great grandmother's boyfriend at the time. Mind you, they're in their late 70s and I was 17. He had gotten way too drunk. And I walk into the cocktail party in this sick. Pulls me in for a hug and then attempts to shove his tongue in my mouth. I had my lips sealed shut. And he, for a good 10 seconds, just tries wiggling that tongue in my mouth.

[Matt]

Excuse me.

[Host 2]

I completely blacked out, did not know how to react. And if I could go back, I'd slap the out of him.

[Host 1]

Why didn't you? I had a bam.

[Matt]

Oh, bro, I would have.

[Host 2]

None of the family knows, though.

[Matt]

I would have fought.

[Host 1]

Why would she not tell the family? The theme is family.

[Host 2]

Family secrets.

[Host 1]

I know, but if somebody's trying to stick their tongue down you, like, you need to tell the family. And what. He was dating grandma.

[Host 2]

She Might have been scared. I don't know. She was 17.

[Host 1]

Oh, my God. That's terrible. That'd be old, man.

[Bunny]

Old man. Breath smell.

[Host 1]

Dentures. Ew. Yeah, like Geratol and gum disease.

[Jaime]

Yep.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Yeah. Man, if somebody's trying to give me a denture kiss. I'm not. You're getting punched in.

[Matt]

Your lung is wild.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Fighting.

[Host 1]

No, that's crazy.

[Matt]

This one says my cousin's husband found out at Thanksgiving that she took our other cousin secretly to prom because neither had a date and no one knew they were related. They did the deed at an after party, claiming they had to prove that it wasn't a pity date. Cousin's brother was the one who told. He only knew because he snuck into that party. It only knew because he snuck into that party. I'm on my pain pills right now, and I feel like they just kicked in.

[Host 2]

When you stutter in front of your

[Host 1]

friend, maybe said everything just slowed down.

[Jaime]

Wow.

[Matt]

Get up and leave. It all just came right now. Needless to say, they're no longer together, and we don't see that part of the family any longer.

[Host 1]

You know how many amount of cousins each other?

[Host 2]

Oh, that was my. All my DMs.

[Host 1]

It's crazy.

[Host 2]

A lot of incest.

[Host 1]

Matt, you're from Alabama. Have you ever. I've never a cousin that I know of.

[Matt]

No. Why are we so many cousins?

[Host 1]

I don't know, man.

[Matt]

I did get a lot of dms that said, like, either they married a cousin.

[Host 2]

Mine were all inbred.

[Matt]

Yeah, a lot of it inbred.

[Host 1]

Our cousins are all cousins. Related or only.

[Host 2]

No, I'm not related because my mom's adopted.

[Host 1]

Yeah, so. So would you a cousin?

[Host 2]

No.

[Matt]

Would you a stepbrother?

[Host 2]

No.

[Matt]

Maybe. I mean,

[Host 2]

I have watched those, like, short drama reels on Tik Tok, and some of them are hot stepbrothers. I mean, we're not blood,

[Host 1]

but a stepbrother, that's hot. Only if it was.

[Matt]

The relationship was real fresh.

[Host 1]

Yeah, not if our parents have been

[Matt]

married for, like, 10, 15.

[Host 2]

No, no, no, no. Like, it's like, as soon as we meet, it happens.

[Matt]

Yeah, I can't watch those porns. I can't watch, like, the. The mom. The. The. The other.

[Host 1]

Yeah, that's a little weird. Are you lying?

[Matt]

Haley?

[Host 1]

Is that the.

[Matt]

You watch? Yeah, me either.

[Host 1]

Is that the porn you watch?

[Host 2]

No.

[Host 1]

I thought you watched, like, 80s porn.

[Matt]

Dude, she loves vintage porn.

[Host 1]

She loves 80s porn. Like, Bush Flowers.

[Juan Naula]

Like, the.

[Matt]

Not even.

[Host 1]

Like, I like that.

[Host 2]

Hold on.

[Host 1]

The dream filter where everything's like she does.

[Matt]

Blurry, foggy like that. Darling.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Matt]

We just talked about this.

[Host 1]

Yeah, yeah, I know. Why are they making it hard for everybody get to just have a little bit of pleasure in their life, you know?

[Matt]

All right.

[Host 1]

1, 2, 3. So, family birthday barbecue. Sister in law slurs out after a few too many. Stop correcting her. She isn't even your daughter. To my brother, in front of the entire family.

[Bunny]

The daughter was 12.

[Host 1]

DNA tests came back, as Mory said. And the test proved you are not the father.

[Matt]

That's how you find out.

[Host 1]

Damn, that's terrible. To do that in front of the kid too. That's dysfunctional.

[Matt]

That's messy as hell. There's a lot of messiness in my DMs about this.

[Host 2]

Like it was a. Yeah, it was also. It was either inbred or finding out, but no.

[Host 1]

And there's like a lot of evil females. And like, ladies, I'm normally on your side, but some of y' all are crazy.

[Matt]

I read one. I didn't end up screenshotting it, but like, she literally named it after her affair that she had. Did you get that one? Yeah. She named the baby after her affair and then convinced the dad who was in prison that it was his.

[Juan Naula]

Wow.

[Host 1]

Were they having conjugal visits?

[Matt]

No, he had just gone. She got pregnant around that time. Was like, oh, I'm pregnant. But it could have been one or the other. So she names it after the other.

[Host 1]

Yeah, crazy.

[Matt]

I know. And the kid ended up telling him be trifling. Yeah, they do. There's some really skin. Okay, go ahead.

[Host 1]

Little pirate. Dirty pirate hookers running around.

[Host 2]

So here's a little backstory. My mom passed away and my father remarried twice after that. The second one was an absolute awful woman. She was a liar, manipulative, and over the years, she successfully drove a wedge between my father and all of his children. One summer, we were all at our camp hanging out. My father's wife wanted a drink, so my brother in law offered to make it for her. After he made it, he reached in his pants and pulled out some pubes, put it in her drink and stirred it around with his finger. My siblings and I were all aware of this, so we sat and watched her drink down the whole thing, sweaty pube hairs and all. She asked for another one after that, claiming that it was so good. To this day, no one outside of our family knows that that happened.

[Host 1]

Dude, I don't care who you are. You know when you have a pube in your throat, how do you not feel. It's like.

[Host 2]

It's.

[Host 1]

It, like, sticks in your throat. They don't go down. It's literally like just the curliest cube.

[Matt]

Get one caught in your teeth?

[Host 1]

Probably. I've had a lot of. In my mouth. Yeah. No. I don't know how she didn't save your pubes.

[Commercial Announcer]

I do.

[Host 2]

Why is it caught?

[Matt]

I just asked one time. It got caught in my teeth.

[Host 2]

That's wild.

[Commercial Announcer]

That's different.

[Jaime]

Yeah.

[Host 2]

Schedule.

[Host 1]

I didn't know that time. Not you guys. Scheduling blows.

[Host 2]

You got kids.

[Matt]

You can't just knock them out whenever.

[Host 1]

What do you put it on Google calendar?

[Jaime]

That was my question.

[Matt]

7:35pm Whenever the kids aren't, you know, hanging out, barging everywhere.

[Host 1]

You ready to have a kid, Matt?

[Bunny]

I had a great uncle that took

[Host 1]

a guy's eyeball out with a spoon because of a bad horse deal.

[Matt]

What the hell?

[Host 1]

The old spoon in the eye trick.

[Matt]

What trick is that?

[Host 2]

What it.

[Host 1]

What do you do with it? It's an old cowboy trick. It's like an old cowboy trick, huh?

[Host 2]

You know about this trick?

[Host 1]

No, but I can envision it. I just figure that sounds like something that would have been done, like, during the Doc Hollow Wild West.

[Matt]

Y. Yeah, it's like a very, like, bar type.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Like, just grab a spoon, stick it

[Host 1]

in his eye, and scoop it out. You got to be a real weirdo to be able to do that.

[Host 2]

And it.

[Matt]

Does it just hang there?

[Host 1]

Depends on how much do you sever it? I don't know.

[Matt]

Oh, I envisioned it.

[Host 2]

I thought they are, like, attached.

[Matt]

They are. That's what I'm wondering. If he. If he popped out the eyeball, did it just hang and then he might

[Host 1]

have just ripped it off. That might be one of those old wives tales that, like, gets passed down in families, you know? And it's like, really? He punched the guy in the eye. But then by the time it got to the great, great granddaughter, it was like.

[Matt]

It was like.

[Host 1]

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[Matt]

That's wild.

[Host 1]

Jaime, you got one?

[Jaime]

Sure, I got one right here.

[Host 1]

Give us one, and then we're out of here. We got to do. I gotta take Matt to go see the new compound. We got the little. The cows and the donkeys moved this week.

[Host 2]

How are the donkeys at it?

[Host 1]

Oh, they're so busy. I walked out there and they acted like they didn't even know who I was. Yeah, they didn't give a.

[Matt]

We're probably gonna corral them a little bit to get them off some of that fresh hay.

[Host 2]

He Said, sorry, we have new grass.

[Host 1]

Yeah, they're like hella room. Who dis? Like they did not care.

[Matt]

They're gonna go out tomorrow and put them in a smaller pin.

[Host 1]

Why?

[Matt]

It's too much fresh grass for them. You don't want them to founder. Yeah, it's all cut down, but still, it's a lot of grass.

[Host 2]

Yeah, I know.

[Matt]

I would like.

[Host 2]

I would be hella drunk off that grass.

[Matt]

That's what they are right now.

[Host 1]

Ah, they looked good when I said

[Host 2]

me with espresso martinis.

[Matt]

It's like a field of espresso martinis would be her dream. Go ahead, Jaime.

[Jaime]

All right. My seemingly healthy 40 something year old cousin died in November. It was a shock to the whole family. He was living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend at the time and she claimed she had no idea how he died and told our family to stop asking because it doesn't matter how he died. Immediate red flag. Why wouldn't his family want to know the cause of his sudden unexpected death? We're thinking this bitch murdered him. We're literally accusing her of murder. Finally, my cousin, his brother is able to get a report from the coroner's office. He died jacking off. Bro had an autoerotic asphyxia.

[Host 1]

Autoerotic asphyxiation.

[Jaime]

Damn. I didn't even say half the word and you knew.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Host 1]

Yeah.

[Jaime]

All right. Only.

[Host 2]

Oh my God.

[Jaime]

Only me and my mom and his brother know his real cause of death. Everyone else thinks he overdose per his brother's request.

[Host 2]

Damn. He didn't have a famous singer.

[Host 1]

Do I like that the lead singer of NXS died? He was literally hanging. We talked about this in the closet and was jacking off to get hard, right?

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Well, I mean, not to get hard, but sometimes when you come, it makes like, you know, like when you get choked.

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

It's like so hot because it makes you come harder because you're being choked because you're like. Lack of air and so that's. People just get addicted to that high and they ch. They chase it.

[Matt]

So he was strangling himself and then.

[Host 1]

Yeah, I mean, we don't know what he was doing. She could have been doing it too.

[Matt]

Maybe that's why. Yeah, she doesn't want everyone to know she was chilling.

[Host 1]

Yeah, that's a heavy secret.

[Matt]

That is a heavy secret to have.

[Host 1]

Yeah. Well, are we gonna film another ass talking fest before we go to la?

[Matt]

We'll have to, beginning of next week.

[Host 1]

You guys leave comments below, let us know what topics you want us to cover in next week's Ask How Confess. And we'll pick one from the YouTube comments. And if we use yours, we'll shout out your username also.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

Yeah. Love you guys. See you next week.

[Juan Naula]

Bye.