Ask, Tell, Confess: Who Rubs One Out at Work??

Summary

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Dumb Blonde Podcast

Episode: Ask, Tell, Confess: Who Rubs One Out at Work??

Release Date: July 3, 2026
Host: Bunnie XO, plus regular co-hosts and guests

Overview

In this raucous and irreverent installment of "Ask, Tell, Confess," Bunnie XO and her panel deep-dive into listener-submitted stories centered on workplace confessions—especially the wild, gross, and downright shocking things that happen on the job. With their trademark humor and unfiltered honesty, the crew unpacks everything from workplace hook-ups and bodily function disasters to public displays of lust, exploring why the weirdest stuff always seems to come out at work. This episode stands out for its blend of hard-laugh storytelling, relatable real talk, and the usual helping of raunch and realness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Surviving Life’s Literal Storms

[02:54-04:04]

• The team recounts braving an actual tornado on their way to the recording—swerving cars, hail, debris, and all.
• Bunnie XO: "I feel like that's how life is. You got to go through the storm to get to the freaking bright, sunny, beautiful side." (03:53)
• Sets the tone for the episode: getting through chaos with humor and resilience.

Personal Updates: “Home Improvements” & DMs Gone Wild

[04:23-06:42]

• Bunnie hints at recent plastic surgery and ongoing self-improvement ("home improvements").
• The move to a new property and influx of DMs, especially after last week's episode on direct messages, triggers stories of new crushes and playful speculation about potential suitors.
• Quote: "I'm on this journey of just making myself feel good… New hire movers, new add-ons, new location, new everything. New, new, new phone, who dis—that's coming next." (04:42)

Ask, Tell, Confess: How It Works

[10:03-10:43]

• Listeners are encouraged to submit their stories via DM or a specific email/phone number for future segments.
• "All you have to do is just put ATC DM us on Instagram… We should just make an email for people to ask, tell, confess." (10:03)

The Check-In with “Bob”

[10:46-13:34]

• The group calls their regular, beloved listener Bob—a lighthearted interlude threaded with warmth and humor.
• Bob invites the group to his birthday in September ("You're on the podcast right now. Can you say hi to everyone?" – 12:51).

Disney Adults, Fandom, and Personality Overload

[14:13-15:39]

• Quick but pointed discussion about what it means when people make a fandom their entire identity.
• "I think if you make anything your entire personality… then if it’s who defines you as a person? Let's find a new hobby." (14:52)

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Main Segment: Wild Workplace Stories

The Grandpa in Short Shorts

[15:46-16:56]

• A listener recounts a regular elderly customer whose athletic shorts are so short his testicles ("twig and berries") hang out.
• Crew riff on their own cringe memories:
  • "Red balls. I can't believe he's walking around with his twig and berries out… they can feel that, that's a draft." (16:17 – C)
  • "How do you not know that? Like… does it just lay on the chair when you’re sitting there?" (16:49 – B)

Disaster on the Assembly Line

[17:27-18:54]

• Grim account of a woman’s scalp being torn off by machinery after someone started an assembly line while she was cleaning it—prompts real reactions and horror at workplace dangers.
• "To rip somebody's scalp off their head… it's the force and the power that has to come off is crazy.” (18:20 – C)

The “Cereal Pooper” at the Gas Station

[20:09-21:04]

• A listener tells of a woman who used the bathroom, exited after a suspiciously long time, and was found to have explosively “painted” the entire toilet and restroom—with additional details of her failing to wash her hands and flushing huge underwear, destroying the pipes.
• "She hasn't come out of there yet… she does emerge from the bathroom, but she's walking out… smelling her hands like just double fisties to the face… loving it." (20:15 – D)
• "I drew a picture of her and hung it up that said: Wanted—The Cereal Pooper." (21:04 – D)

Colonoscopies, TMI, and Normalizing Health Talks

[23:38-24:41]

• Bunnie and crew swap colonoscopy stories, breaking the stigma and laughing about showing off the “prettiest butthole ever” on video.
• "I have really the prettiest butthole ever. Like, she does. On the inside. On the outside might be questionable. On the inside—oh my God, it's so pretty." (23:48 – C)
• Encourage listeners to get checked, as recommended ages are lowering due to colon cancer risk.

Office Hygiene Horrors: Anal Glands, Cake, and Jerk-Off Incidents

[26:49-28:28]

• Tales of vet techs expressing dogs’ anal glands without gloves, colleagues clipping nails and touching break room items, and several stories of people “rubbing one out” at work—one even serving cake afterward.
• "They caught this man jerking off in his office and let him stay there long enough to cut cake for somebody else?" (27:27 – C)
• "So many DMs of people who found their coworkers jacking off in their offices." (27:36 – B)

Flicking the Bean at the Pizza Parlor

[35:20-37:08]

• Shocking story: someone gets caught “getting fingered” at a pizza place, openly visible in a booth during a dead time.
• "Hey, who has table so-and-so…? I think she's getting fingered. And I'm like, excuse me?" (35:51 – F)
• Management "sprays disinfectant on them" (36:30 – F)
• Discussion about public sex, hygiene, and how there’s a "thin line between hot and weird.” (37:22 – C)

Restaurant, Hotel, and Public Place Gross-Outs

[28:28-34:52 & 32:24-34:52]

• Listeners share more horror:
  • Homeless man destroys bathroom.
  • Elderly diner clips toenails at the table and leaves clippings.
  • The “town drunk” pukes in his glass and then in the public bathroom.
  • Celebrity cleaning under her toenails in a restaurant.
• "If somebody sent me in to clean up a bathroom like that… fire me. Nope, brother, I'm not doing it. What if you breathe it in?" (29:15 – C)
• "I was doing cocktails… this bitch had her feet up on… the table… just digging in her toenails. Cleaning out underneath her toenails. It was the grossest shit I’ve ever seen in my life." (33:21 – C)

Hot Tubs, Hotel Room Nasty

[31:11-32:03]

• Hotel worker finds tub coated in “brown film" after guests leave—leads to an extended riff on germaphobia and shared disgust.
• "Never, no, never, never never… I already can't take baths because if I sit in the water too long, my legs start itching." (31:18 – C)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Work Relationships:
  "They call them work husbands or work wives. Never date a dude in an office… come home and tell me you got a work wife—OK cool, buddy, go fudgeing live with her." (11:05 – C)

• On Cleanliness:
  "This is why you don’t shake people’s hands." (27:08 – B)

• On Crossing the Line at Work:
  "I don’t know if I believe that… it might have been the person who was jacking off that wrote that in. And then I was cutting cake later—just some weird fetish, dude." (28:12 – C)

• When Enough is Enough:
  "I'd rather drag my labia across asphalt than do that." (29:30 – B)
  "I'd rather light my labia on fire… There's no way." (29:34 – C)

• Public Sexuality:
  "Talk about it. Let's talk about it. Haley." (37:00 – C)
  "Listen, dude, I'm down for some freaky, but doing that at a freaking restaurant? Come on." (37:08 – C)
  "There's a thin line between hot and weird." (37:22 – C)

• Fan Culture:
  "If you make anything your entire personality… let’s find a new hobby." (14:52 – B)

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Summary of Episode Highlights (with Rough Timestamps)

• Opening Storm Anecdote: (03:00-04:10)
• Plastic Surgery & Life Updates: (04:20-06:30)
• Listener DMs & Mystery Crush: (05:50-07:15)
• Listener Submissions System/How To Participate: (09:41-10:43)
• Call to "Bob": (12:00-13:30)
• Disney & Fandom Discussion: (14:13-15:39)
• Workplace Stories Begin (Old Man Shorts): (15:46)
• Assembly Line Accident: (17:27)
• Restroom Disaster (Cereal Pooper): (20:09-21:04)
• Colonoscopies: (23:38-24:41)
• Anal Glands, Cake, and Jerking Off: (26:49-28:28)
• Homeless Man Destroys Bathroom: (28:28-29:30)
• Gross-out Hotel/Tub Story: (31:11-32:03)
• Toenail Clippings & Cleanliness: (32:24-34:52)
• Public Sex at Pizza Place: (35:20-37:08)
• Final Reflections on Public Sexuality: (37:17-39:08)
• Episode Wrap-up (Subaru Joke): (40:13-40:51)

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Tone & Takeaway

Raw, raucous, sometimes gross but always hilarious, this episode leans into the “too real, too funny” spirit of Dumb Blonde. The crew’s mix of shock, snark, and genuine advice (get your colonoscopy, respect workplace boundaries, wash your damn hands) makes the episode not just entertaining but—despite the absurdity—a little affirming.

Listeners will leave with:

• A stomachache from laughing (and probably a few gags)
• Affirmation that just about everyone’s workplace has its weirdos
• A reminder to never eat at work without first sanitizing… and maybe to stick to private sex

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Want to Submit Your Own Story?

DM @DumbBlondePodcast on Instagram with “ATC” or look for the show’s dedicated submission channels.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Wayfair. Every style, every home.

[A]

Ask Tell.

[C]

Confetti.

[B]

Ask Tale Confess. Tail. Ask Tale Confess.

[C]

Hello, friends.

[A]

Welcome back to another Ask Tale.

[C]

Converse.

[B]

Mm. That was nice.

[D]

Good.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Hello, friends. How is everybody doing?

[B]

What just happened to us, bro?

[C]

We just drove through a fucking tornado like hail. People swerving all over the road, wind blowing the trees and the cars.

[B]

We hit something. We don't know what it was.

[C]

Yeah, I haven't even looked to see what the damage is done to my car.

[B]

Like, I got it on video. We literally hit something.

[C]

Yeah, no, it was the eye of the tiger. Like it was. I swear I drove through a portion of it. Yeah, no, we were on, what is it, 840 for about 20 minutes, dude. Cars pulled over on the side of the road, pulled over under passes.

[B]

At one point, we're under the overpass like with like four other car, five other cars. And people were just stopping traffic.

[C]

Yeah, I was like, I'm not sitting here. I'm not gonna be a sitting duck. Let me just get home.

[B]

Took off.

[C]

That's how I handle everything in life. Just trudge, just face it head on and get it the over with.

[B]

And we came out on the other side.

[D]

Look at us.

[C]

We came in on the other side.

[B]

Would you look it up?

[D]

You made it.

[C]

Yeah, we got to our exit and it was like bright and sunny and beautiful. I mean, I feel like that's how life is. You got to go through the storm to get to the freaking bright, sunny, beautiful side.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, like somewhere over the rainbow.

[B]

Somewhere on the rainbow.

[A]

Way up high.

[B]

Were we all so quiet.

[C]

Well, what is wrong with us? Well, it's been a hell of a week. We just left my plastic surgeon's office. If you see any additional add ons to me. No, you didn't. That's all I'm gonna say about it. Listen, home improvements is what we're gonna call it, baby. We're improving the home improvements.

[B]

I get it.

[C]

Yeah. I'm on this journey of just making myself feel good. That's what we're gonna do. So if I do get home improvements, it's going to happen next Tuesday.

[B]

We can do it next Tuesday. She said.

[C]

I was like, that's our move in date at the new property. I was like, what the hell? But listen, new hire movers, you know, new add ons, new location, new everything. New new, new phone.

[B]

Who dis that's coming next.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, that's coming I have to.

[B]

I need to.

[E]

Bro.

[C]

This announcement has brought all the weirdos out. I have people texting. I don.

[D]

Even.

[C]

It's crazy. Like, just random people are. It's nuts.

[B]

Starting up conversations.

[C]

Yeah, it's nuts. This has brought all the. The craziness out. Oh, and then us doing a podcast on the DMS last week just lit a fire under everybody's ass to go into my DMs, dude.

[B]

Oh, really? Did it get better?

[D]

Get better or worse?

[C]

I don't know. Because, you know, it's like.

[D]

Do you have any.

[C]

The class, I mean, I might share, please.

[B]

One or two for the class?

[C]

No, no, no. We'll do a whole episode on it. But I might have somebody that I think is cute, so I don't know. We'll see. A new one. A new one. I can't do.

[D]

I know.

[C]

Yes. You guys know.

[B]

Oh, no, we know.

[C]

Pretty little baby. That's the only hint I'll give you.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

It's like riding a bike. It's like riding a bicycle, but you got a dick inside of you.

[C]

He's.

[B]

Oh, that one.

[C]

He's pretty to look at. So I don't know.

[A]

We'll see.

[C]

And he's west coast, so I love, love, love, love me a West coast boy.

[F]

Is he tall?

[C]

To be decided.

[D]

We don't know his height.

[C]

I mean, we do.

[B]

Do we? Do we?

[C]

I don't know. We might have to give it a go. I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. But nothing. You know, I think it's okay to think somebody's hot that's different than.

[B]

Oh, okay, wait. Okay. Yeah, cut this.

[C]

Hold on.

[E]

How?

[C]

Just bleep this. Just beep, beep, beep.

[B]

We know how tall. Oh, we will not.

[C]

Look right now. Look right now. Okay. We'll figure out how tall he is by this. He wants to come out here and see me, but I don't know.

[F]

Is he born and raised West Coast?

[C]

Yeah. Okay, listen, I don't want a country boy.

[D]

Everybody's like, looks a little taller.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Oh, then he's right.

[B]

He's at least six.

[D]

Six, two, six three.

[C]

And he's tall and skinny.

[B]

Oh, he's got a baby arm.

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[C]

I also think my pay is really cool.

[A]

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[G]

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[B]

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[H]

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[I]

45 for three months, $90 for six months or $180 for 12 month plan required $15 per month equivalent to taxes and fees. Extra initial plan term only greater than 50 gigabytes. Me slow when network is busy. See terms Anyways, okay.

[B]

Anyways. Okay.

[C]

And listen, I'm just looking to to, you know, Mama's getting her spark back like we've been talking about and I think it's okay to have a little baby crush on People. So anyways, moving on. All right, that's all I need is the Internet trying to figure out who we're talking about. No, they won't figure it out though.

[B]

No, we'll cut this up so good.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chippity chopped this up, Jason, so that people are very confused as we could possibly be talking about. But yeah. All right. So anyways, we are doing some Ask how confesses. A lot of people have been messaging us. Keep doing it because all you have to do is just put ATC DM us on Instagram. That way that you can get your story in. We should just make an email for people to ask tal confess because there's a lot of people. Do we have one? Oh, what is it?

[B]

Oh, we'll put it in there.

[C]

All right, Well, I don't even know that we had a phone number. Did we check in on Bob to see how Bob's doing?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

I didn't.

[B]

Hold on, let me text Bob.

[C]

Should we call him? Just give him a call.

[B]

Are we calling Bob?

[C]

Yeah, we haven't heard from Bob and like, what?

[D]

Has he not left a voicemail for us in a minute? No.

[C]

We hope Barbarino's doing good, man. So anyways, he texts me for while we call Bob for ask how confess. Today we're doing something with the workplace, right?

[D]

Like crazy stories in the workplace.

[B]

Yeah. So I decided this week I was going to ask you guys what was the craziest thing that you ever saw happen at work. And boy, did they deliver.

[C]

Oh, the work ones are always gross. It makes me never want to eat out.

[B]

Why are so many people at work?

[C]

Because you spend eight hours a day with that person seven days a week, you're going to develop.

[B]

Have you ever someone at work?

[D]

I worked at Mac, it was all girls.

[B]

Did you ever someone at work?

[F]

I did not.

[B]

Did you ever someone at work.

[C]

Do sugar daddies?

[D]

It wasn't at work, but it was from someone that I worked with when I was a host at Logan's.

[C]

Oh, was it a waiter or a bartender?

[D]

He was a waiter. It was after a shift one time, so we were technically still in our uniform.

[C]

Damn.

[D]

I know.

[F]

All sweaty.

[C]

Yeah, they say that work affairs start all the time because people are together so much like you are. Like, they call them work husbands or work wives or something like that. Yeah, never date a dude in an office because I would not fucking even trust that. Come home and tell me you got a work wife. Okay, cool, buddy. Go fudgeing. Live with her. Let her put up with Your shit.

[B]

We're calling Bob.

[C]

Call Barbarino.

[E]

Hey, you.

[B]

We miss you. We just wanted to call to check on you.

[C]

Love you, Barbarino.

[B]

How have you been?

[E]

Oh, I've been as good as ever.

[B]

Oh, I'm so happy to hear that. How's the weather over there? Good, good.

[E]

When are we getting together?

[C]

Oh, man, we'll be on the west coast soon.

[B]

Yeah, we gotta come over there to see you.

[C]

Yeah.

[E]

Yes, you.

[B]

Yeah, we just wanted to call and check on you. You're on the podcast right now. Can you say hi to everyone?

[E]

Hi, everybody. Hey, would you like to come and help me do a birthday.

[C]

A birth?

[B]

When's your birthday, Bob?

[E]

Next year. Next. This fall In September.

[B]

September what?

[E]

25th.

[B]

I love it.

[C]

Him and Mo have. She would the same sign.

[B]

I love that so much. We're gonna have to send you a birthday present, Bob.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

So we're gonna get back to our podcast. Can you give us a Bob out. Bye, Bob.

[F]

Bye, Bob.

[C]

Oh, my goodness. I just love him.

[B]

It's our new grandpa.

[C]

No, for real. We need to get out to Oregon and see him.

[D]

I know.

[C]

I want to go hiking out there anyways and go see the waterfalls and stuff.

[H]

Twilight.

[C]

Yeah, that'd be so gorgeous.

[B]

Yeah. Long as we don't go.

[D]

Can we stay at the Twilight house?

[C]

Yeah, as long as it's away from Portland, where they smoke fentanyl for out in the open and shit. Like, I'm not doing that. What would we have to fly into?

[F]

I think it is port.

[C]

I guess if we fly private, we could fly into any airport, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, let's do that. That would be fun. Is that where Twilight was filmed?

[D]

Okay, cool.

[C]

All right, let's get into these stories.

[B]

Hot and bothered over here, bro. You bring up Twilight. You know her credit card is Twilight, right? We were at the bar the other day, she pulls it out. I said, is that Edward?

[C]

You're like one of those Disney adults.

[D]

No, no.

[B]

I feel like with Harry Potter.

[C]

With Harry Potter and Twilight. Yes. You're like one of those Disney.

[D]

Those are different. I'm not a Disney adult.

[C]

Oh, do we? How do we feel about Disney adults? We're gonna insult some people.

[D]

Cut this out. No, no, put it in.

[C]

Leave it in.

[F]

I've seen them around.

[B]

I will.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I mean, I had fun at Disney.

[B]

There's a 50. 50.

[D]

I cried during the fireworks.

[B]

That was beautiful during the fireworks.

[C]

I think if you make it your entire personality, I think if you make anything your entire personality part, then if

[B]

it's who defines you as a person? Let's find a new hobby.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe more than just one.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

What's the, like, appropriate amount to go to Disneyland if you are an adult with no kids? Once, twice, but once a month or once a week?

[C]

Go through all of that.

[F]

Yeah, they go like, once a week at least.

[C]

What I've heard. That's a bit. I feel like, like, again, if anything you do, that's overkill where you are. It's your entire personality, then that's, you know, it's an obsession.

[E]

And.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. It doesn't just have to be Disney.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It doesn't just have to be Disney. Like, it doesn't need a Twilight.

[B]

They have a certain.

[C]

All right, let's get to these work things.

[B]

All right, this one's short and sweet. This customer that is in his 70s likes to come into our store in the mornings, and he only wears athletic shorts, and they are so short that his nuts hang out of the bottom.

[C]

Oh, the twig and berries. The old. My neighbor that I grew up with used to do that. It didn't make it in the book, but we called them red balls because literally, in the backyard, he would sit with his Clark bar and balls hanging out of his short ass shorts, and he knew we were looking at him.

[B]

Dude, when we were watching your predator.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

We were watching your old home videos, you were like, look, there's the guy whose shorts and his balls would always hang out. I was watching, like, her home videos.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And it was like her little swimming pool and her chickens. And then it, like, her dad pans over and she's like, that's the house with the old. Dude, that's balls.

[D]

Yeah, the hell happened.

[C]

A lot. A lot happened that didn't make it into the book. Yeah, there was a lot that didn't make it into the book. But yeah. So red balls. I can't believe he's walking around with his twig and berries out. And, you know, they can feel that. That's a draft.

[B]

I was going to say. How do you not know that? It's like. Like, does it just lay on the chair when you're sitting there? How do you not know?

[D]

And then I couldn't imagine my vagina just.

[C]

But their balls sweat. Literally, their balls sweat. So when they get up, it's like Velcro. Like they. If it sticks out.

[B]

Joe Dirt. When the. The dog's balls get stuck to the front porch and he's got to get it off with the spatula.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

No.

[C]

All right, I'll go Next.

[B]

Not in this heat. This heat.

[F]

Put your balls away.

[C]

Oh, this heat is. Heat is disgusting.

[B]

If I had balls in this heat, I'd be. I'd be very mad.

[C]

All right. I watched a woman get scalped by an assembly line. She was underneath it cleaning when somebody started up the line. Her hair got caught up in a

[A]

roller and pulled off a 4 inch chunk off of her scalp. So much blood.

[D]

I just made my stomach hurt.

[B]

The thought of. Oh my gosh.

[F]

It's like Instagram reels. Yeah, that's what's on my.

[C]

Yeah, you never. What are you watching?

[F]

Oh, late night. I see.

[C]

Oh, my gosh. I need to update my fyp. It's all just corny now. I'm like, can we move on?

[B]

Where's all the hot dudes?

[C]

I'm like, I don't need any more inspiration. I'm. I'm already over it. Let's go.

[B]

Oh, no. I couldn't imagine ripping hair straight off the scalp. No, no, it takes a whole chunk.

[F]

Have you guys ever ripped, like, girl's hair off when you're like, fighting? Is that hard to do?

[C]

Yeah, but not from the scalp. Like you have to. To rip somebody's scalp off their head. You have to. It's the force and the power that has to come off is crazy. There was a girl who, when I was growing up in Vegas, jumped in Lake Mead and her hair got wrapped around a papa propeller. Yeah.

[B]

Scalped her.

[C]

It killed her. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

That's why you always got to be really careful with boats. Like, never jump off the back. Never jump off the back if the propeller is going. Because you can literally die. Especially if you have long hair.

[B]

That gave me. I just.

[F]

Woo.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's insane, dude. No, I did witness a fight one time in a Denny's parking lot at 2am and when I went out there, there was just hair everywhere. Yeah.

[C]

Denny's parking lot at 2am and what part out the country? The west coast.

[B]

Fairfield, California?

[C]

Yep. Oh, baby.

[B]

Yeah. We went out there and there was a huge dent inside of our car where they had tussled out of their car. Hit our car. Yeah.

[C]

How do you start fighting with somebody in the same car?

[B]

Yeah. So they were in the back seat and they're fighting. You see the car doing this and the dude's yelling outside and then they kick their door open, hits our car. Is it two girls? Yeah. Against the side of our car. And then they tumbled out of the back of the car and just ripped each other's hair out all over the Parking lot. Yeah, I wouldn't expect any less from a Denny's.

[C]

No, no. At 2:00am that's like Waffle House at 2:00am yeah.

[B]

Moon's over by Hammy.

[C]

You never know. I love Denny's. Denny's. You know what? I used to love Blueberry Hill. I don't know if you guys ever had those. Oh my God. It's like a mixture of IHOP and Denny's, but it's in Vegas and it's Blueberry Hill.

[G]

So good.

[C]

The biscuits and gravy.

[B]

Did you guys have BlackBerry Diner?

[C]

Black Bear Diner?

[B]

Yeah, I love BlackBerry Diners.

[C]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, we had those in Vegas.

[D]

I worked at a liquor store, gas station, deli combined. One night the store is empty and a woman came in to just use the restroom. Totally fine. But 20 minutes goes by and my co worker says hey, she hasn't come out of there yet. Five more minutes go by and she does emerge from the bathroom, but she's walking out of the store smelling her hands like just double fisties to the face and deep, whiffing those bad boys and loving it. My heart dropped that went in and closed the toilet lid and sat on the upper deck, not open as well, and blasted diarrhea down the whole toilet. It looked like she clawed through her and then flung it into the sink and didn't wash her hands. Then she flushed her flag size undies down the toilet and broke the pipes. I drew a picture of her and hung it up that said wanted the cereal pooper.

[A]

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[C]

And once orders start coming in, I

[A]

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[C]

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[A]

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[H]

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[I]

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[C]

I'm just wondering what goes through people's minds before they do weird shit. Because I know that when I do premeditated stuff, I think. I think it out, you know, Like I really think it out. So this woman, like, you don't just do that on a whim. How do you know to even lift a toilet seat like that? And in the back?

[D]

No, it was closed.

[B]

She on the wall on the toilet.

[C]

Oh, I thought she took the thing off the top, you know, the right and down.

[B]

It

[C]

just made it even worse. Yeah, like I thought she had.

[D]

You can't be sober.

[C]

Yeah, there's.

[D]

Yeah, you can't be sober, dude.

[C]

No, for sure cannot be sober.

[F]

I would love to see the picture he drew.

[D]

I would like to see the picture too.

[B]

It reminds me of like. Remember when they drew that leprechaun? It's a great, great meme.

[D]

I love that.

[B]

That's how I felt during the colonoscopy the other day, though.

[F]

How was it?

[C]

Oh, yeah, you guys, Mimi and I went and got colonoscopies on Friday. I have to just tell you, I have showed everybody I have a video of it if you guys want to see it.

[A]

I'll show you.

[C]

But I have really the prettiest butthole ever. Like she does on the inside. On the outside might be questionable. On the inside. On the inside. Oh my God, it is so pretty.

[B]

It looks like just.

[C]

It's like a little rose and it's just perfect and like the color and just clean.

[B]

My kids found mine and said the. Is that. That was my insights.

[C]

Oh yeah. But man, I had fun. I love getting put to sleep. It's my new thing. I used to be so scared of anesthesia and now I'm like giving.

[B]

That was nice. I was such a good rest.

[C]

Yeah, I Actually, that was the first time I've ever felt rested from anesthesia.

[D]

Yeah, you were good.

[B]

Yeah, we did it as a family, guys. There was four of us that rolled in there deep. Yeah. Rolled in deep.

[C]

Yeah, we got it. Everything's perfect, though. Everything's good. We're all good, so.

[B]

Yep.

[C]

Yeah, you guys got to get your colonoscopies. There's gonna start moving the colonoscopies up to 40 years old.

[B]

So it used to be 45. Now you got to go when you're 40.

[C]

Well, it hasn't changed yet, but they're going to move it up. Yeah, but it's because so many young people are getting colon cancer. So I was about to say, what's

[F]

the, like, earliest you could go?

[B]

Well, complications.

[C]

So if you have, like, pre cancerous cells or if you're like, having blood or any. Any of those things. Signs. You need to go get a colonoscopy.

[B]

100. Yeah, my signs came early on. I ignored them until I was pregnant with Cash, and they were like, this is really serious. You should really take care of this. And so then I went through with it because I was like, oh, I have a reason to live my kids. And so I went and got it done, and that's when they found it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So you can go as early as I was 20.

[C]

If you're having symptoms, go get a colonoscopy. They're a breeze.

[E]

They're.

[C]

You're in and out in an hour.

[B]

And you know what? The prep wasn't that bad.

[C]

It was not. It was.

[B]

The first prep I did was horrific.

[D]

This prep, mine didn't work.

[B]

You didn't do the full prep?

[C]

No, but that stuff doesn't work on me either.

[B]

So.

[D]

Four laxatives.

[B]

Yeah, but I also drank an entire container of Miralax.

[D]

Well, I did buy a thing of magnesium glycinate.

[C]

Citrate.

[B]

Citrate.

[D]

The citrate. I don't know what I bought, but I was scared because.

[C]

Oh, you should be.

[D]

I was watching Tick Tocks and someone was like, you're gonna need at least

[B]

two to three days.

[D]

I said, never mind.

[C]

Yeah. I'm only doing this for them because the first mo. And I took it one day just for fun. We filmed it. I think we made a tick Tock. The first day didn't even bother me, and I didn't think it worked the second day.

[B]

Did you lose weight, though?

[C]

I mean, you never really lose weight when you. You lose weight for that. That next day, and then it comes back like water weight. So that's all right.

[D]

So it's not anywhere you.

[C]

No, you never want to laxative. The laxative diet does not work. No, you up your electrolytes, you get electrolyte imbalances, and then you gain back double the water. So it's not even worth it.

[B]

Weighed myself morning of completely empty and I was a pound heavier.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This one says that they worked at a veterinary's office and she would have a co worker who would refuse to wear gloves when they would express dog's anal glands.

[C]

Oh, come on. Even that made Chachi uncomfortable. Look, he went into that at all, dude. Like, that's disgusting.

[B]

This is why you don't shake people's hands.

[C]

No, this is exactly why I will never shake.

[B]

There was multiple of those. I. I even got one where, like, people were trimming their toenails in their office and then, like, going into the break room and touching stuff. And then they said they did catch one guy jacking off in his office, and later that day was cutting cake for people and serving it.

[C]

Hold on, hold on. They caught this man jerking off in his office and let him stay there long enough to cut cake for somebody else.

[B]

So many DMS of people who found their co workers jacking off in their offices.

[C]

Okay, but does nobody get reprimanded, or is it just a free for all now?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, why aren't we doing it in the bathroom? You really gotta rub one out. Go to the bathroom.

[C]

It might be a little office fetish,

[B]

you know, it could be.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, it definitely could be.

[C]

But my thing is, is do people not get fired for that? I'm guessing back in my day, if you were walking off in your office, you're gonna get fired.

[B]

I'm wondering if it's like a. They're just not snitching on their co worker.

[C]

They did to you.

[B]

I'm not firing them.

[C]

I don't. I don't know if I believe that it might have been the person who was jacking off that wrote that in. And like. Yeah, and then I was cutting cake later, like, you know, just some weird fetish, dude.

[B]

Just touching the end of the cake. Every single one of them helping the end of the plate.

[C]

All right, I work in a pretty safe, affluent town, and my coworker let a homeless man use our bathroom after we closed. He proceeded to be in there for

[A]

30 minutes and blew up the bathroom

[C]

as much as you can possibly blow up a bathroom, like, sprayed on the walls. Had to. We had to scream at him to get Out. As he walked out and tried sitting in a booth, my co worker and

[A]

I had to stuff tissues up our

[C]

noses and wear garbage bags, aprons, and long rubber gloves. The most disgusting thing I've ever seen or had to clean up. Felt dirty for two days after that. I also went to wipe a booth seat one time and wiped up what I thought was chocolate. Caught a whiff. It was not chocolate.

[B]

It's like your couch. Okay, that's crazy.

[C]

Listen, you couldn't pay me enough.

[B]

No.

[C]

If somebody sent me in to clean up a bathroom like that. Absolutely. The fire me.

[B]

Walking out.

[C]

Fire me. Nope, brother, I'm not doing it. What if you breathe it in and like. And there. I can't do it, dude.

[B]

I'd rather drag my labia across asphalt than do that.

[C]

I'd rather light my labia on fire. Okay? There's no way. I'd rather nail it to a wall.

[B]

Please.

[C]

Not doing. I am not cleaning up anybody's. We had to use a porta potty when we went horseback riding. And it was.

[B]

That was you guys.

[D]

Not a porta potty. That was a full on bathroom.

[C]

It was a porta potty.

[B]

That was a portable bathroom that just happened to look like a real bathroom. I hovered. I literally just stood over it and peed because I was not about to put. Put my ass on there.

[C]

No, there's no way. It was definitely a porta potty.

[B]

No, that was. That was a portable building that they placed right there.

[C]

I don't care what anybody says. Stench and porta potties is just. You'll never forget that, bro.

[B]

Dustin was telling me the other day because he was mowing the lawn and I was like, man, you're like covered in. He's like, talk about covered in. He was like, we used to work because he works for like septic and water and stuff like that. And they used to have to get down into septic. Like chest deep. Yeah. I don't know how Amy would suck him off after that. Like, how do you know if you're like chest deep?

[C]

How do you not puke?

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[C]

I can't. I have such a sensitive stomach. There's no way.

[B]

No. I think the thought of it makes me gag.

[D]

I worked at a hotel and years ago we had jacuzzi suites with the typical Jacuzzi tub in the room. After a couple checked out, the entire tub was coated in a brown film. We have no idea if they had added something to the water, if it was biological. The room had to be put out of order for a few days for cleaning.

[B]

God, could you imagine those jets? Imagine what's inside if that was running.

[C]

Jacuzzi suites. Yeah, well, they have those in Vegas. They have a lot of those. Never. No, never, never, never, never. There's no. I already can't take baths because if I sit in the water too long, my legs start itching. Only at my ankles, though. It's the itches so bad. And, like, I don't know what it is. There's.

[B]

I've seen this before.

[C]

It's a condition that people have that if you sit in baths, your ankles or part of your skin starts itching. Oh, my God, it's horrific.

[B]

Happened to her the other day. We were washing out her hair. And you had to take a bath because I had, like, an anxiety attack or something like that. And when she got out, her ankles were literally. It looked like. Like she had, like, bites around her ankle.

[C]

And it stings like ant bites. Like, it's the craziest thing. I don't know if anybody else has ever had that, but I can't take baths because of it.

[D]

I take baths all the time. I love bats.

[B]

I love a good bath.

[C]

I mean, I do, too, but I can't.

[B]

If my ankles itched every time I took a bath, I wouldn't, though.

[C]

Yeah. No, it's terrible. Since I was a kid, though, like, I've always had. It's like. It's almost like my skin gets too hot. It just reacts. I don't know. It's weird.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, this one is about toenail clippings, like you were talking about earlier. I had a man in his mid-70s dining alone. He clips his toenails at the table.

[D]

He left.

[C]

He left the clippings in a pile on the table. Second worst was when the town drunk had his. Not prescribed to him. Pills hit at the same time as his second beer. He regurgitated his beer into his glass without realizing and kept drinking, then proceeded to puke all over the bathroom. He was immediately banned.

[B]

I'm crying, bro.

[C]

Anybody cuts their toenails, I hate that. And I mean, cut them at home, of course, but in a public place. And old man toenails, man, those are bad.

[F]

Those are tough.

[D]

What makes you think, like, you know what? It's a good time right now to cut my toenails.

[C]

So I have a story. I was doing cocktails, and we'll have to block out the performer's name because I don't want to get sued. This is a real Story though. I was doing cocktails at. This is when I was a cocktail waitress at the Hilton and was performing there. She had like a residence there. This is back in the day. I mean, I had to have been like 20 something years old. And I went to go wait on her, and this bitch had her feet up on. I'm talking barefoot up on the. The table that she was sitting at in this restaurant. Just digging in her toenails. Cleaning out underneath her toenails. Dude. It was the grossest shit I had ever seen in my life.

[B]

What was she cleaning him out with?

[C]

It just looked like a little like Q tip type thing underneath her toenails. No, it was. And people were around her eating and yeah, it was bad. And I just. Human that I remember just thinking to myself, like, who does this? It was just. And she was so rude. I was waiting on her. She was so rude.

[D]

Yeah, it was pretty rude. And digging your feet.

[B]

Yeah, human.

[C]

Are you bunions? It was bad, you know, old lady feet. It was bad.

[D]

Oh, she was old.

[C]

I mean, she wasn't young. She's got to be like, how old is she now? Let's see. I don't even know if she's still alive.

[B]

That's disgusting. I don't. Touching feet in public is one thing,

[C]

you know, I don't even know what song she sings.

[B]

Ew.

[C]

I just remember she thought she was so cool. Yeah. She's 67 now, so she probably had to have been 40. 40ish.

[B]

Just digging underneath her toenails.

[C]

Just digging underneath her toenails. What songs does she sing?

[B]

I thought she was gonna say with like a fork or something.

[C]

Yep. Never heard of any of the songs she's ever sang, so.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yep.

[B]

Anyways, I gotta.

[F]

I gotta work one. I just remembered.

[A]

Let's go, buddy.

[B]

Give it to me.

[C]

So give it to me, baby.

[F]

I used to work at a pizza spot. Not too long ago, actually is when I moved here. I was in college, worked at a pizza spot. Was waiting on this couple and they ordered like a pepperoni pizza, some wings. Pretty standard. Like, they look like a normal couple. Go back, come back out. And it wasn't even me who noticed, but I think another co worker noticed. Hey, who has table? So and so. And I'm like, me. They're like, I think she's getting fingered. And I'm like, excuse me.

[C]

At the dinner table.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. And like in a booth where it's like in the corner. Open concept. By the way. There's no corners in this restaurant. You could see Everything. Everything. And it was like a Wednesday. It wasn't packed.

[B]

Right.

[F]

I go out there and, like, I. I see the man and the girl like this, and I see him like this, like, kind of covering, but his hands down there tell the manager and he flips. He's like, ew. What? He was like a gay guy. He's pretty awesome. Bff. But yeah, he went out there and said, excuse me, you can't do that here. And just started spraying, like, disinfectant on them.

[B]

On them?

[F]

Yeah. Even the grossest part, I didn't see them get up to washer, like, wash any hands.

[C]

So they probably went to the salad bar.

[F]

They went to. They went like pizza hands in on your cooch.

[C]

Yeah. So I'm good. I'm not into that. You need to wash your hands and get up.

[B]

This one wants it.

[D]

Get.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

At. In public.

[B]

I haven't.

[C]

That's crazy. Talk about it. Let's talk about it. Haley.

[F]

Haley.

[B]

We can't. We can. My bad. I'm so sorry.

[C]

Listen, dude, I'm all. I'm down for some freaky. But doing that at a freaking restaurant. Come on. Like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That one's off limits. No, I don't believe it. Because then, like, what if you touch salt in the pepper?

[C]

But what if there's kids there? Like, that's. You could catch a charge for that. That's not worth that 100. That's weird. There's a thin line between hot and weird.

[B]

If someone did that in front of my kids, I would fight them.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

No, that's absolutely.

[B]

Like, I'm so quick to be very protective of my children. And if they were ever to do some in public, I'm going to jail because I will whoop your ass.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Remember the whole. The whole of era where girls were doing, like, in public. In public.

[B]

There was a concert not too long ago where we watched that girl jack him off.

[F]

What?

[C]

Excuse me?

[E]

What?

[F]

What?

[D]

You're the only one there.

[C]

Were you the one jacking him off?

[D]

Was it?

[C]

What's happening?

[I]

Maybe.

[C]

Was it you and Jason?

[B]

We were side stage and we looked.

[I]

You were that.

[B]

We're standing on side stage.

[D]

And that was years ago.

[B]

And one of the security guards was like, yo, she's jacking him off. And we were like, no, the. She's not. And we turn around, we were like, like, she's right there. Just going.

[D]

I forgot about that.

[B]

Yeah. Who does that to that kind of music? I'm just saying, that was not a concert. I felt like, deserved that kind of Energy.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Nothing sexy about that. No, I wouldn't even. I wouldn't even be turned on at all.

[D]

God, inside of me.

[E]

Oh.

[C]

I don't know. I think there's a time and a place to be sexual. Outside, but not in public. Not like. I mean. No, no, no.

[B]

Like, with people. I'm standing next to her, you know, like. Yeah, kid. Right in front of them.

[C]

Right, right, that. But I feel like, you know, it's just you guys have to, like. It's. I get, like, the rush of, like, getting caught. Like, that's what some people are addicted to. But at the same time, it's like, at what cost?

[B]

What about you, homie?

[F]

Public split? No, that's. I'm. My anxiety is too high. I would start thinking about, like, everything.

[C]

Are you the. Are you the type of person who only sleeps and who only has sex in the bedroom?

[F]

Yeah, I think so. Yeah, actually, I am.

[E]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

I mean, but, you know, hotel room will, you know, catch some.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Aggression from me. But, like, you know, it's not like the headboard.

[C]

The headboard. Never saw it coming.

[F]

No, but not. I think it's more of, like, a female desire. Because, like, there's something that itches. That itch for a guy. I'm. I think, at least for me, I'm too scared.

[D]

I think it's just you.

[F]

Because if I can't help but see,

[C]

I was gonna say I haven't met a man who did not want there. I. I know somebody else who's just like you, who only likes to have sex in the bedroom.

[A]

And.

[D]

Yeah, I just.

[F]

It's scary. Well, it's like, I just think about all of it. I'm like, what a big picture. What if a cop.

[D]

You're overthinking it.

[F]

I'm going to jail.

[D]

You're overthinking it.

[F]

Like, my dick's out.

[C]

If in a car. You won't have sex in a car.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

What about a car?

[F]

Car's good. Car's good.

[I]

Yeah.

[F]

I'll do it.

[B]

Have you done it in the Subaru?

[C]

You need to be covered. You don't want the cheeks outside.

[F]

I don't think I've done it in the Subaru yet. Me and Brooke got a.

[B]

That is a utility.

[F]

That is a utility car.

[B]

That needs to happen low to the ground.

[C]

Suvaru. Tonight. I'm going to park in the driveway.

[F]

I might have to tint the windows first.

[C]

Banger in the Subaru.

[B]

Water bottle, bro.

[F]

Fishbowl. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Who's getting banged in the Subaru?

[B]

If the Subaru's rocking. Don't come knocking.

[C]

Don't come and knock if you baby.

[D]

All right.

[C]

And on that note, go bang your wife in a Subaru tonight. Or husband or significant other. Girlfriend. Boyfriend, Whatever. Anyways, see you guys next week.

[E]

Bye.

[C]

Queen Carvania stood haloed by the morning sun. An army hung on her every word.

[G]

My champions, I have sold my chariot it on Carvana. Twas a lovely suv. An inexplicably queenly offer. They're even coming to the castle to collect it. Tonight we feast. An offer you can feast on. Sell your car today on Carvana. Pick up fees may apply.