Bert Kreischer Explains Why He Only Wants ONE Woman

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Dumb Blonde – "Bert Kreischer Explains Why He Only Wants ONE Woman"

Date: April 23, 2026
Host: Bunnie XO
Guest: Bert Kreischer

---

Episode Overview

This episode of Dumb Blonde features comedian Bert Kreischer ("The Machine") for an uproarious, raw, and deeply personal conversation about body image, marriage, sex and kinks, mental health, parenthood, and the realities of fame. Bert opens up about his emptynest marriage with wife Leanne, why he's a one-woman man, and his journey through weight loss, OCD, and navigating public life. The episode balances hilarity and vulnerability, offering listeners a behind-the-scenes look at Bert’s life—with plenty of laughs, insight, and memorable moments.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Body Image, Weight Loss, & Health Journeys

• Bert's Weight Fluctuations and Medications (03:07-08:24)
  • Bert talks candidly about being at one of his heaviest weights while filming his new TV show, “Free Bird.”
  • Both host and guest discuss GLP-1 medications like Mounjaro and Retta for weight loss, side effects, and the intense bathroom stories that come with them.
    • Quote: “I started Manjaro. And I’m down 20 pounds in two weeks, but my sparkle’s gone.” – Bert (03:50)
  • Peptides are another rabbit hole: both share experiences and laughs about their obsession with peptide fridges and new biohacks.

2. Tour Life and "Hot Bagging"

• Tour Bus Bathroom Realities (08:44-12:20)
  • Hilarious and graphic stories about being forced to "hot bag" (shitting in a bag) on the road.
    • Quote: “Tour buses…you’re not allowed to shit. So you take a grocery bag, dip it in the toilet and…that’s how you shit on tour buses.” – Bert (11:08)

3. Sex, Love, & Monogamy

• Porn, Kinks, & Real Attraction (12:46-18:45)

  • Bert shares his entry into the world of porn, his experience with dominatrixes for a TV show, and how kinks are often accidental "imprints."
    • Quote: “You don’t get to control your kinks. Your kinks show up…you get branded at an age and that’s the first thing you see. That turns you on.” – Bert (16:12)
  • Discusses how, after marrying Leanne, the only thing that works for him is material that visually or emotionally connects to his real-life partnership.

• Intimacy & Private Rituals (18:33-23:11)

  • Bert explains the origin of the "feather" emoji as their secret sex code with Leanne, and how he keeps a hidden photo album of her body parts (without her face) for his personal joy.
  • Quote: “Now we text feathers to each other, that’s our emoji. So yesterday, I texted her a feather and she calls, ‘Don’t you have that hidden album?’ …Well, enjoy your hidden album.” – Bert (22:54)

4. Long-Term Relationships: Why Only One Woman?

• True Partnership & Aging Together (26:24-29:48)
  • Bert details why he only wants his wife—emphasizing trust, shared history, private jokes, and safety.
  • Riffs on the myth of wanting "the other car": “For whatever reason, this jalopy that I married, I fucking love. It’s so crazy.” (28:27)
  • On relationships: “The beauty of a long relationship is having so many great inside jokes…she’s better than anything.” (29:39)

5. First Times, Trauma, and Sexual Insecurity

• Losing Virginity Stories (31:30-38:57)
  • Bert's “American Pie” style first time: condoms mishaps, anxiety, and “worst case scenario.”
  • Both share how sexual misadventures early on created long-lasting nerves and shyness, and how only deep trust (with Leanne, for Bert) led to true comfort.
    • Quote: “Thank you for letting me be who I am in bed. I never spoke during sex, never tried anything adventurous. She allowed me that in the twilight of our marriage.” – Bert (38:10)

6. Fame, Inspiration, and Navigating Public Opinion

• Fame’s Doubt, Growth, and Vulnerability (62:06-79:56)
  • Discuss the perils of public life, including toxic internet comments, the constant challenge of sharing mental health battles, and the insatiable judgment that comes with success.
  • Bert shares a vulnerable take on sharing personal struggles, mental health, and how the internet weaponizes vulnerability:
    • Quote: “The second it takes your sparkle…that’s when you can’t let the world take your last laugh.” – Bert (74:24)
  • Reflection on critics when buying a bigger house, and feelings of imposter syndrome or shame: “I was unable to enjoy my new house because I felt embarrassed for it.” (76:36)

7. OCD, Anxiety, and Coping Mechanisms

• Living With OCD (51:03-69:44)
  • Deep dive into Bert’s rituals, health anxiety, and need for control—rituals before flights, specific shower routines, and germ aversions.
    • Quote: “I would cover my whole body with soap, get down in a squat, say a prayer, visualize the plane taking off in all directions… It was so crazy.” – Bert (68:19)
  • Both hosts draw parallels in their obsessive tendencies and exposure therapies.

8. Parenting, Regret, & Evolving Goals

• Parenting Through a Public Life (87:13-95:11)
  • Bert discusses regrets about time missed with his daughters due to building his career and balancing social media’s impact on family.
  • He now prioritizes personal, emotional goals (trips with daughters, meaningful family memories) over career and money.

9. Comedy Evolution & Goals

• Industry Shifts, Aging in Comedy, and Not Having a “Map” (96:24-105:03)
  • Acknowledges that at 53, no clear roadmap exists for comics of his generation, who are now at their peak.
  • On future ambitions, Bert expresses satisfaction, curiosity for acting, and the joy of “not having a game plan anymore.” Relishes traveling more with Leanne, continuing standup, and supporting younger comics.
    • Quote: “Maybe the goal is—life isn’t guaranteed…maybe I just travel more with Leanne.” – Bert (101:47)

10. Friendship, Community & Legacy

• The “Wife Swap” Running Joke (105:09-end)
  • The hosts riff on the close bonds between their families, imagining a hilarious “Wife Swap” scenario with their spouses—a moment that shows their warmth and humor together.

---

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “My sparkle’s gone…the razzle dazzle at life has disappeared.” – Bert on Mounjaro, (03:56)
• “Tour buses…you’re not allowed to shit. So you take a grocery bag…” – Bert on tour life, (11:08)
• “You don’t get to control your kinks. Your kinks just show up.” – Bert, (16:12)
• “I always wanted to be in the other car…now, I just want to be in this car.” – Bert, on fidelity, (27:43)
• “Thank you for letting me be who I am in bed. … I never tried anything adventurous until Leanne.” – Bert on marital comfort, (38:10)
• “The second it takes your sparkle…that’s when you can’t let the world take your last laugh.” – Bert, (74:24)
• “The beauty of a long relationship is…so many great inside jokes.” – Bert, (29:48)

---

Memorable Moments & Humor

• The "hot bagging" story about shitting in a bag on a tour bus (08:44-12:18)
• Bert’s first condom experience, a perfect blend of embarrassment and comedic storytelling (32:17-36:23)
• The running jokes about wife swapping their spouses for better household management (105:16-109:14)
• The "Porn Category or Energy Drink Flavor" rapid-fire game (55:47-56:46)

---

Final Thoughts

This episode stands out for its unwavering honesty about relationships, self-image, and mental health, all delivered with classic Bert Kreischer humor. The conversation is candid, full of laughter and self-reflection, and offers real-world insight into what it means to love just one person—after everything that fame and life throw at you.

---

Quick Reference – Major Segments & Timestamps

• Weight Loss & Medications: 03:07 – 08:24
• Touring Life & Bathroom Talk: 08:44 – 12:20
• Sex, Porn, Marriage: 12:46 – 23:11
• Deep Dive: Long-Term Love: 26:24 – 29:48
• First Times & Shame: 31:30 – 38:10
• Mental Health & Vulnerability: 62:06 – 79:56
• OCD Discussion: 51:03 – 69:44
• Parenting & Regret: 87:13 – 95:11
• Comedy, Career & No Map: 96:24 – 105:03
• Friendship & Close: 105:09 – End

---

This episode is a must-listen for fans of comedy that doesn’t flinch from the real stuff—messy, funny, complex, and full of genuine heart.

Transcript

[Bunny]

If your bank is still charging you random fees every time you turn around, it might be time for an upgrade. Why are we paying to use our own money? Absolutely not. That's why I want to tell y' all about Chime. They're changing the way people bank with rewarding fee free banking built for real people, not just the 1%. Chime has thousands of fee free ATMs so you can get your cash without those annoying charges. They've also been rated 5 stars by USA Today for customer service with real humans available 24. 7. You can even get access to up to to 500 of your pay before

[Host (Female)]

payday with My Pay.

[Bunny]

Plus eligible members can get premium travel perks like airport lounge access and 24. 7 travel concierge with a Chime card. And I love that you can get 5% cash back on your Chime card in a category you choose like gas or groceries. Honestly, my younger self would have loved something like this. Anything that helps you keep more of your money and makes life easier a win. Chime is not just smarter banking, it is the most rewarding way to bank. Join the millions who are already banking fee free. Head to chime.com b u n n I e that is chime.com bunny it only takes a few minutes to sign up. Chime is a fintech, not a bank. Banking services for MyPay and Chime card provided by Chime's bank partners. Optional products and services may have fees or charges, stated annual percentage yield and cash back for Chime prime only. No minimum balance required. Checking account ranking based on the J.D. power Survey published October 20, 2025. For more information on APY rates, MyPay, Spot Me and travel perks, go to Chime.com disclosures y'. All if you're still overpaying for your phone bill every month, I need you to stand up because some of these wireless companies are out here acting real bold with these prices. That's why I love Mint Mobile. They're cutting out the nonsense and giving you premium wireless service starting at just 15amonth. Same phone, same number, same coverage, just way less drama. You can bring your current phone, keep your number and switch over easily. And if your phone supports eim, you can activate service right from home without waiting around for anything in the mail. We love convenient. Why keep paying big wireless prices when you don't have to? Mint Mobile gives you a smart way to stay connected with without emptying your wallet every month. Honestly, I'm all about cutting bills where I can and keeping money in my Pocket if I can get what I need for less and not sacrifice quality baby, sign me up if you like your money. Mint Mobile is for you. Shop [e-mail] bu n n I e that's mintmobile.com bunny. Upfront payment of 45 for 3 month. 5 gigabyte plan required equivalent to 15amonth. New customer offer for first 3 months only. Then full price plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See Mint Mob for details.

[Host (Female)]

Is this thing on, you guys? I have the machine sitting on my couch. And I have been trying to get him here for years. He's finally in Nashville. He came to grace us with his presence. Mr. Burt Kreischer.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am so happy to be here.

[Host (Female)]

Dude. I love that you're barefoot and that you're comfortable. Are you going to take your shirt off?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. By the way, I am. Oh, wow.

[Host (Female)]

He's like, we're starting off heavy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I got back up to 275.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, did you?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I got back up to 275. And at 275, I filmed my whole. I think I filmed my whole TV show at 270. So, like the TV show Free Birth, that's on Netflix. It's coming out January 22nd. I was. I was. I was overweight. Like, I was the. I want to say I was the fattest I've ever been, but I was in top five fattest.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

My best friend Tony Hernandez was like, pulled me aside. He's like, I just want you to know, man, I did lucky when you were the skinniest you've ever been. I can't tell the difference.

[Host (Female)]

Oh. Cause your tummy is always.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I always look the same. But. But I just started the Manjarno Manjaro.

[Host (Female)]

Have you started the Manjaro?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Manjaro Mounjaro. And I'm down £20 in two weeks. Wow.

[Host (Female)]

Does it affect your eating or anything?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my joy. Yeah. Yeah. My sparkle's gone.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The razzle dazzle at life has disappeared. I sit there like a zombie all day. People go, you want a sushi? And I could just have a glass of water.

[Host (Female)]

And then you drink that glass of water and you're full and you're full

[Bert Kreischer]

and you're like, yeah, you know what I had last night for dinner? Which was, by the way, and this is crazy, the most enjoyable thing I've had in a very long time. Toast.

[Host (Female)]

Toast with butter slaps.

[Bert Kreischer]

Toast with butter.

[Host (Female)]

Toast with butter.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was. It was heaven.

[Host (Female)]

Heavenly.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I had one piece of Toast. And I went, I feel great.

[Host (Female)]

Have you ever tried to take Retta? Have you tried the Retta? Retta. True. Try Retta 2. Tried is the new GLP3, which I'm gonna start taking it tomorrow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why?

[Host (Female)]

I'm ready. Listen, I, I got an ass to lose, all right? I got the Brazilian ass that I need to lose, but it's supposed to shred you, but without all the side effects of, like, Manjaro and triazepatide and all that stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

The side effects are aggressive. I got into a huge blowout fight with Isla and Leanne. Like a three way fight. They were in the car.

[Host (Female)]

That's a gang fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's not fair. Yeah, because Isla's done none of the research, Right. She's just a talking head for Leanne. Whatever Leanne says, she goes, you gotta listen to Mom. She has all the answers, dad. I'm like, she does not have all the answers.

[Host (Female)]

Listen, I don't know. Leanne is pretty all knowing. I love. I, I, I'm a Leanne fan over here. You know that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I know, but, you know, it's like I've spent so much time with the woman, it's like we're empty nesters now. So. Like, we spend all our time together.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I, there are things that she thinks she knows about that she doesn't know about, but only. And I got her to like anything working out. She's got a trainer for like four years, five years, man. You think she took CrossFit 101? She's like, she says wild shit sometimes, and I'm just like, babe, I've known you for 21 years. You just learned about stretching four years ago, so. Yeah, but, yeah, but they got, they got my ass. What was the beef about that, about the side effects? So, you know, I have two doctors. I have a longevity doctor and a cardiologist. And my cardiologist said he's the one that prescribed it. He did a DEXA scan. He's like, you're, he goes, listen, man, your blood work's fine. And I'm not prescribing it for your blood work. I'm prescribing for your visceral fat. He was like, that's the dangerous fat. And you're holding £90 in your stomach.

[Host (Female)]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, it's crazy, but you got to get rid of that £90. If we can get it to £40, that'll be incredible. Which is still, £40 in your gut is a lot.

[Host (Female)]

No, it's a Lot. Actually. I've been studying peptides because I'm like, I'm taking BCP and SS31 right now. So I'm like a real nerd about peptides.

[Bert Kreischer]

Me too. I don't know what they do. I can't. I do not know what a mitochondria

[Host (Female)]

is, but she knows of the cell. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

What the fuck? I'm sitting here going, oh, my mitochondria is kicking ass. I have no idea what the fuck mitochondria does.

[Host (Female)]

Mitochondria is turn up? No, that's how I feel. But they have one that. That trigger that. That literally does the.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do we have the same longevity doctor?

[Host (Female)]

We might. How do we go from being party animals to having fucking longevity doctors in the first place, like Bert. Help.

[Bert Kreischer]

Unrelatable.

[Host (Female)]

Are we like, what is happening?

[Bert Kreischer]

Morning. I took my manjioro, my testosterone SS31 before I went to bed.

[Host (Female)]

Are you taking SS31? Oh my God, I love that. That is amazing, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm an expert on keeping refrigerated.

[Host (Female)]

I just bought a mini fridge to put in my bed in my bathroom so I could keep all my peptides in them.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like a German scientist in the 80s just getting athletes from one place. It is great. This is so bizarre.

[Host (Female)]

No, the whole peptide craze is insane. But there is one that is strictly for visceral fat, which is what I was going to tell you about. It's called Tess Morlin. I have some at the house. I can give you the vial of it if you want to do the research before you take it. I've done all the research, but it's shrinks visceral fat. And that's like, specifically what it's for. With zero side effects of the, like the manjaros and the GLPs.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what I'm looking for right now. I'm. I travel with the trainer just to keep lifting weights because they say that it tears down muscle. I mean, like I. I mean, I have a friend, everyone knows him, but he's. He did the GLP1s and his. I watched his muscle disappear because he wasn't lifting weights. And so I was like.

[Host (Female)]

And that's what Retta is good for too. Red eye allows you to shred but keep your muscle mass.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I love it.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, we're gonna. I'm gonna turn you out, buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Landed a one round one. One shot of Manjaro.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

One shot. One time. I think it was for. It was for something else. It was blood work needed. And she just got skinny and looked amazing and then kept it there.

[Host (Female)]

Leanne is tiny as hell. No, she's. She's just a tiny little package. So I couldn't imagine. I did try Zepatide and I shit so much my butthole hurt on a tour bus. Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's crazy, those shits. You don't pick when they come.

[Host (Female)]

No. And you can't control it. Have you ever had to catch your shits in a. In a bag?

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean hot bag it?

[Host (Female)]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Tri Zepatite shits, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Just. Let's be very clear. Close your eyes if you. If you need to. If you're not driving.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Triz Appetite shits smell like the kind of shits that a guy in the stall next to you has to say something like, what did you eat?

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

They are. What. They're. If. Now if it's your. It's enjoyable in a hot bag situation, I cannot imagine that. I wouldn't be dry heaving.

[Host (Female)]

No. And it's heavy. I would. I would bring it out of the bathroom and make them hold it because I was like, dude, this is a pound. I lost seven pounds the first week I did triazepatide, dude.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was me, dude. Triazeptide. Now I can justify. I've taken, like. I've taken crazy shits that. I took a shit in Japan one time. It was so bad, the guy in the stall next to me threw up. That's true, that's true, that's true. And. And we were in Japan, so I thought he was talking to me. He was like, no, it's a. It's a bidet. Press the button.

[Host (Female)]

So you take shits like my husband.

[Bert Kreischer]

The tri Zeppedine ones were like.

[Host (Female)]

It's like. And they're logs and they're.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they. And mine were coming out like crude oil. Oh. At the beginning of the Beverly Hillbillies, when he shoots at the goat. That moves.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, my God, man. No, it's rough, dude. The people don't talk about, like, that aspect and that side effect of the GLPs and the GLP1s and threes and stuff like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, can I tell you. Can I tell you something? I'm very proud of that you just said that. And it's because we share a life like me. And, you know, I think it's why me, you, Jelly and Leanne have a closeness.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is. Which is. It's crazy. It's not. It is. It's Earned. It's not. It's not like. It's not like we met on a red carpet. For whatever reason, we all connected for real. But there's a thing you said when you go. You know, when you hot bag it, and then there's. And that's earned. That's earned. You don't know. Half the people don't know what we're talking about. They're like, what are you talking. So on tour buses, you're not allowed to shit. So what you do is you take, like, a grocery bag, like the kind you get at the store.

[Host (Female)]

I prefer the. I like those. Or I like the black. The big black bag so you don't

[Bunny]

have to see it.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, those are my fave.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And then you put that over the toilet seat and you dip it into the toilet, and then you shit into that bag. And then you take it and you wrap it up, and then you get rid of it. That's how you shit on tour buses. My daughter Isla called me. She was like. She was like. I mean, hysterical. She calls and she goes, hey, how do I turn the water on in our house? And I was like, I don't know. I. I call your mom. I have no idea. But I go, don't. She goes, too late. And I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I didn't know the water wasn't on. I took a log. What am I supposed to do? And I was like, get a bunch of water, flush it down. Right. But then. But then. And so there's a joke there that I'm gonna leave for the stage. But then, like, a couple days later, I said, has the water been turned on? And she goes, no, we can't figure out how to get it turned on. Don't worry, dad. I've been hot bagging it.

[Host (Female)]

Couple days later. A couple days later, she's got this log just floating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, no. Oh. I mean, I think she got a rubber glove and got. And pulled it out and threw it in the neighbor's yard, but. Yeah. Yeah, that's my kid.

[Host (Female)]

Add a girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but. But she goes, yeah, I. They had a couple days or a day that they didn't have the water on. And I said, how have you been taking shits? And she goes, I've been hot bagging it. That's a kid that grew up on tour buses.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that's earned. That's not.

[Host (Female)]

No, that's a. That's a. That's a life choice that you make. That was one of the hardest Things that we had to get used to on tour, especially sharing a bus, because my bus. I bring out my own bus with Jay. So it's all women. So we have our periods, we all shit. And we have two bathrooms that we have to use between all of us. And it is insane. But when we're all on fucking triazepatide. Fully loaded.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got fully loaded.

[Host (Female)]

Fully frickin loaded, buddy. All right. I want to play a game with you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Please.

[Host (Female)]

Okay. He said please. It's a rapid fire game, and I want you to tell me if this is a porn category or an energy drink flavor.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think I'm gonna be pretty good at this.

[Host (Female)]

Okay. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Host (Female)]

What's your favorite kind of porn? So we talk about this all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. And we're. And we're all. There's an open book.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, yeah, I know. She loves 80s bush porn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh,

[Host (Female)]

Tyler likes cat porn.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cat porn?

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. He's totally into cat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Very vanilla. Very vanilla over here. Cat. What's cat porn? That's like, I like to watch cats lick each other. And, like, not. Yeah, not in a creepy way. Okay.

[Host (Female)]

Like, please say you're kidding. Can we turn the air on here? In here. I'm laughing so hard. I'm, like, sweating.

[Bert Kreischer]

Kyle may be standing outside the door with coffee. Someone let him know. Okay, okay. Because. Okay, keep mo. So my. So I was always into porn, and I didn't. I was in the generation that got to discover porn where porn showed up and we had dial up and you had to wait for it.

[Host (Female)]

How old are you, Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

53.

[Host (Female)]

Okay. I'm 45. So we're in the same era.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so then also we got to discover the crazy genres of porn. I remember the first one, I stepped out of the box and I was like, are you allowed to look at this in a hotel room by myself? Probably 2000. In 2000, I remember I was on my computer and it said, pregnant porn, and I went, whoa, If I click that, do I get in trouble? Meaning, do I get registered?

[Host (Female)]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So I'm at that. I'm at the frontier, right? Of. Of porn, Right? So I got to try it all. I. I worked with the dominatrix one time, and she gave me these crazy tapes, and I was like, whoa, okay, hold on.

[Host (Female)]

You worked with the dominatrix? What were you working with her doing?

[Bert Kreischer]

She tortured me for, like.

[Host (Female)]

So you hired her?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I did it for a TV show.

[Host (Female)]

For a TV show. Okay. I've had some dominatrix on the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Mistress Isabella. I had Mistress Nina, and she got me totally naked. I mean, I was dating land at the time. Totally naked. Tortured my balls. Everything. Hot wax, electric. Electric pod.

[Host (Female)]

Do you. Are you into that?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Host (Female)]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not at all. Not in this.

[Host (Female)]

So you don't like any pain?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not. No. I don't like pain.

[Host (Female)]

I love that Leanne. And you are so cool. Which. We'll talk about this in a little bit. That she was just like, you know what? Go get your fucking balls. Played with by a dominatrix.

[Bert Kreischer]

$13,000 an episode.

[Host (Female)]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we. But at the end, she said. So we had a safe word. The safe word was marshmallow. She did one thing to me at the very end, and I said, marshmallow. And she went, it shouldn't hurt. And I said, no, I. I think I'm actually getting turned on, and I don't want to be turned on.

[Host (Female)]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she went, oh. Oh. And then she gave me a bunch of tapes, and she goes. At the end, she goes, what was

[Host (Female)]

it that turned you on?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it was this thing. It was like she put me in, like, in, like, rubber, you know, or like the latex or whatever.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then she had a tube in there, and there was lube in the tube, and she would move the lube over my body.

[Host (Female)]

And it was your face completely covered, too, because I've seen that before.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think they were going to. And I couldn't get to that point.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. I was gonna say that's crazy. If that turns you on, you are a freaky freak.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. It was just that. It was no judgment wrapped around my stomach. And then the lube was moving, and my dick moved, and I. And I. And it turned me on. I went, hey, yo, Marco.

[Host (Female)]

Because I was, like, massaging you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, oh, two more times of this, and we're done.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so she gave me these tapes, and so I. That's when I explored. I was like, oh, wow. I've never seen anything with BDSM or anything like that. Some of it I liked. Some of it I didn't. I didn't. Some of it I didn't understand. But then I understood that kinks are. You don't get to control your kinks. Your kinks show up. You get branded or imprinted at an age where that's the first thing you see. And for whatever reason, that turns you on, and you don't get to help it. It's why dudes are into quicksand porn. It's why some people are into superhero porn. I just texted Leanne. Cause I have a little bit of a superhero. Superhero fantasy. I texted Leanne a TV show. We both grew up watching Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she was like, I grew up watching that. And I was like, me too.

[Host (Female)]

I mean, dudes were jacking off to. She ran to Bugaloos.

[Bert Kreischer]

I jerked off to the Bugaloos.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, yeah, the girl and the holograms.

[Bert Kreischer]

But the. So the thing. So then when I got to a grown age where I was dating Leanne, I had a disconnect from porn. The thing that turns me on in porn is, this is so weird. But anything visually I would see from Leanne. That angle turns me on. Does that make sense?

[Host (Female)]

So kind of explain it for the listener.

[Bert Kreischer]

So like, so and we're going to get a little elicit, but like, say you're going down on a woman and the visual of you're seeing her breasts and her chin. That visual, that point of view, that perspective is what I like to watch. So like, I don't. I can't.

[Host (Female)]

Most women hate that because when we look down, we have a double chin. When you guys are down there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I think it's like anything. Anything that we would do, perspective wise, I enjoy.

[Host (Female)]

Okay, so you like POV porn?

[Bert Kreischer]

Not even POV as much as just seeing what we would do. I can't watch something we wouldn't do.

[Host (Female)]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because it pulls me out of it. Okay.

[Host (Female)]

Because it's like something you've never done before and it's not familiar.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I'm at this point now where I. If, if, if, if like the Leanne's going to kill me. So I told her. I was like, I was like, yo, I porn wasn't doing it for me. And I was. I think it's because she's so authentically her and the things that she has turned me on. So I said, hey, I need close up pictures of your body parts. And I. For me.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she goes, no, no, someone's going to get your phone. And so someone in our office showed us how to. How to have a hidden folder. So I have a hidden folder. And they're just pictures. You can't see Leanne's face, but they're pictures of her body parts. And now it's our inside joke. I text her every. Every morning I text her. We are our emoji for sex is a feather.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So silly.

[Host (Female)]

But how did that come about? I got to hear this story so. And first of all, that is so sweet that you have just an album of Leanne. I love the way you love her. My husband and I just. I do a check in video every week because I'm working really hard with this trainer, and he just told me the other day, he's like, I love these weekly check in videos. He said I literally jerked off to one in Australia, and I was like, that's so hot. Send me a video of you doing it next time. I think that's so hot when husbands, like, just really love their wives, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's crazy. I didn't think I was gonna be attracted to someone like Leanne. Like, I always thought it would be blonde hair, tan, big tits. And then when I got naked with her for the first time, I'd never experienced that feeling where I. I've said this board, and I don't know if it makes total sense, but I go. I felt like she was sharing a secret with me. Like, I. I feel like she didn't get naked with a lot of people, Right? That energy.

[Host (Female)]

She was yours.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But so.

[Host (Female)]

So the feather.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we. By the way. Oh, I really wish Leanne was here.

[Host (Female)]

I know. Me too. So call her. We could call her.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she's in her workout class. So we. We went to one night. I was working out with Arnold Schwarzenegger in the morning. And this is right when we started to get. We have two versions of sex. We have meat potatoes, which is our whole, you know, life. We have meeting, then having kids and meat potatoes. And then for. Then it's everything after. After Saddle Ranch. Saddle Ranch is the moment things changed. One night at Saddle Ranch, we watched two kids walk into the bathroom to go have sex. She was like, what do you think they're doing? And I was like, they're having sex. She was like, what? I was like, yeah, they're gonna have sex. Are you allowed to do coke and have sex? Who knows? I was like, we used to be young, and that broke that woman. And we drove home from Saddle Ranch. She pulled the car into the carport, looked at me. We did not speak the whole ride, looked at me and goes, I ain't old yet. And got naked in my car and fucked me in my car. And I from that. So there's everything after Saddle Ranch. Okay, go. Yeah, but there's still hints of Oldie Ann, right? So, like, Oleanne would be like, hey, we should try something different. You want me to tie you up? And she'd go, no. And then it was over. And you were like, okay, yeah. So, like, so we go to. We go to Santa Monica. So I'm working out with Arnold the next morning, really excited. The movie's coming out, a bunch of stuff's happening. We go. And we're kind of exploring section. We're starting to have more fun. I can't get into too much detail, but, like. And so we go to the shutters, and they have an intimacy kit. And I am very vulnerable. The reason I never talk during sex, because I never felt safe during sex. I always felt like. I always felt, like, nervous. And I didn't want you to know who I was. I wanted you to be cool with thinking of what I was. So I put the intimacy kit, and we've had a couple glasses of wine or whatever, and I go. And I said, hey, do a feather. And she was like, yeah. And I go, you want me to rub you with a feather? And she went, no. And the way she said it shut me down. And I went, okay. And then she saw that it hurt me. And I think she saw that that wasn't the right direction for us with the girls leaving and all that and just me, her. And then she was like. She was like, hey, I didn't mean it like that, but she saw that I was hurt, and she kind of, like, rebounded. And I was like, listen, I don't even wanna have sex. I just want to go to bed. Let's get. I got an early morning. Let's. She's like, hey, no. And so then that night.

[Host (Female)]

No. This is the sweetest I've ever heard.

[Bert Kreischer]

The feather changed everything. And now it's. I. I have a feeling I'm wearing a feather hat right now as I say this.

[Host (Female)]

Yep, you are.

[Bert Kreischer]

I wish I picked a different hat.

[Host (Female)]

It was meant to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was meant to be. It was meant to be.

[Host (Female)]

It was meant to be.

[Bert Kreischer]

So. So now we text feathers to each other, and that's our. Our, like, emoji is a feather. And then. So last yesterday, I texted her feather. And then she goes. She called immediately. She goes, I'm driving, but don't you have that hidden album? And I was like, yeah. She's like, well, enjoy your hidden album.

[Host (Female)]

I love Leanne. She's amazing. If Leanne had to write a Yelp review of you guys sex life, what would she say?

[Bunny]

Y' all know I shop online way too much. And every website wants a login, a password, a code sent to your email by checkout. I'm irritated.

[Host (Female)]

But then I see that little purple

[Bunny]

button from Shopify Shop Pay and suddenly life gets easier. No digging for my wallet, no trying to remember passwords, no extra drama. Just tap once and done. Honestly, in the chaos of online shopping, that purple button is one of the best things ever. I used it recently ordering from my phone late at night and baby, one tap and checked out. That's the kind of convenience I can get behind. If you've been thinking about starting your own business, Shopify makes it way less intimidating. They've got hundreds of ready to use templates so you can build a beautiful online store that actually matches your brand and your vibe. They also help save you time with AI tools that can write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photos. Because let's be honest, not everybody has

[Host (Female)]

time to do all that from scratch.

[Bunny]

And when it's time to get your business out there, Shopify makes it easy to create email and social campaigns so you can reach customers wherever they're scrolling or strolling. And if you ever hit a snag,

[Host (Female)]

They've got award winning 24.

[Bunny]

7 customer support ready to help CLS carts go abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their Shop Pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com bunny go to shopify.com b u n n I e that's shopify.com bunny lately I've been way more intentional about what I'm wearing day to day. I still want to feel cute and put together, but I also need pieces that are easy, comfortable and don't require a full identity crisis every time I get dressed. That's why Quince has been my go to lately. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are

[Host (Female)]

flattering, and everything just works without me

[Bunny]

having to overthink it. Which honestly, we love. Quince makes it easy to refresh your everyday wardrobe this spring with pieces that feel as good as they look. They use premium materials like organic cotton, ultra soft denim and one European linen. Their lightweight pants, dresses and tops start at just $30 and they're breathable, effortless and easy to wear on repeat. And what really gets me is the pricing. Everything at quints is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands because they work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middleman. So you're paying for quality, not some inflated label price. Their denim has honestly been a standout for me. It has that structured, flattering feel, but it's still soft enough to actually live in. And when I saw the price I definitely to double check because it felt way too good for that price point. Refresh your every day with luxury you'll actually use. Head to quint.comb u n N I E for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U-I-N C E.com bunny for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quints.com bunny.

[Host (Female)]

Is Bert Speechless.

[Bert Kreischer]

This mom and pop. This mom and pop restaurant has gotten so much better with aids.

[Host (Female)]

I love that. That is amazing.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not for everybody.

[Host (Female)]

I love that you guys are empty nesters, though. And you can tell that you guys are so much closer and having so much fun because, like, I see you guys, like, running around Paris and just you're naked all the time and like, clothes are shown around hotel rooms. Like, I think that's. That's so inspiring because. How long have you guys been together?

[Bert Kreischer]

20. George is 21. We had Georgia. Georgia was technically at our wedding. So we've been together 21 years. But we were together two years before that, so probably 23 years.

[Host (Female)]

I mean, and to keep the love alive, especially in a Hollywood relationship, is crazy. And the closeness that, like, she's your best friend. I can tell by the way that you talk about her.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm always blown away by that, though.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I always go, like, so I used to have this thing where I. If whatever relationship I was, I was never happy in relationships. And I figured that was just what life was, that you'd always want the bigger house, the. The bigger yard, the bigger, nicer car and the better and the hotter wife and the hotter girlfriend and the sexier girlfriend. And that was what college was like for me. I never was happy with where I was. I used to have a saying. I always wanted to be in the other car. Like, I'd get in the car with my girlfriend, then I. Whatever car I saw with another girl, I go, I wish I was in that car.

[Host (Female)]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the other day, we're driving to Naples. Listen, I'm not, I'm not on my wife. I'm just telling you like it is. We're driving to Naples. She's 56, 55, 56, 50. Is she? I don't know. She is like 55, 56. We're in a convertible. She's got her arms. Got a little dangle meat right here. Her chin's like this. And she looks like she's got a scowl. She looks like a frog. And she's like. And she's got sunspots and for whatever reason, spots, for whatever reason, I'm just sitting there going, this is the car I want to be in. And I was like, I can't. I say that to her all the time. I go, can you believe that I still love you? Like, it's crazy. You're not supposed to love someone this long. Like, people get divorced and get new wives. I've seen it so many times.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, we did, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm like, for whatever reason, this jalopy that I married, I fucking love. It's so crazy.

[Host (Female)]

She makes you feel safe, you guys feel safe. And I don't care what anybody says, that other car gets old. The minute you get in that other car, guess what? That girl gets older, that car gets older. Like, you found your safe space. And that is so important. I think in relationships where people don't realize, like, if you can laugh together, grow old together, be each other's, like, just sounding boards. Like, even when you guys have arguments, the way you guys resolve things, the. What did you guys call it, the pulpit or the summit? The summit. You know, like all of that. Like, those are examples of what. And I. I find it crazy that you and Leanne. Well, you, Leanne, definitely. But you guys are great examples of what? Like, a long lasting relationship should look like.

[Bunny]

It's healthy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we definitely have a healthy relationship. We have a very. You know, the thing I keep saying is, like, you know, I don't know if I'd have the interest in investing this much time with someone.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Again, like, if I. If something happened, our relationship, and I can't imagine it ever happening, but if something happened, I would never want. I don't care to invest this. We have so many good inside jokes.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like all I have to do to this woman is go, oh, and she knows it. Says that says 12 stories.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, if. If you, like, if I'm in a bad mood, she can go poopoo pants. And immediately I'm like, God damn it. So, like, there's so much nuance to the. The beauty of a long relationship is you have so many great inside jokes. And she's better than anything. I mean, look, you know, you get your franchise playing years in every sport as a parent or as a person. I have my high school years, I have my college years, I have my young comedy years. I have my single comedy years. I have my dating years in Hollywood. I had my dating years of Leanne. I had married to Leanne, I had dad. And now I have empty nest dad. Out of all those years, I'd say my best years are happening right now. Right now are my best years. Her best years, without a doubt. It gets her sad when I bring it up. She was the best mom. Better mom than any you've ever seen. This woman took it so serious to be a mom that she's created this crazy, great relationship with our girls and me that she fostered. She didn't have it growing up. She made it. She didn't. She was. She's. You know, she's still running Girl Scout troop meetings because when Georgia and Isla started Girl Scouts, there were girls in kindergarten wanted to be in, and she didn't want to leave those girls. There's girls. My girls were in college. Lynn's still a Girl Scout troop leader because she had a commitment to these kids than when they were in kindergarten.

[Host (Female)]

So, like, she's the best.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a great. She's pretty awesome. I like her.

[Host (Female)]

She's the best. Can we talk about your dating life in Hollywood before Leanne? What was that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, a mess? It was. So.

[Host (Female)]

What was explained to me what era of birth that was, that was

[Bert Kreischer]

so. So just. So we put everything on the table so we know where we're standing. I've only had sex with six chicks. Okay? So I'm not. I'm. It's because the first time I had sex, it went so poorly that I was, like, not doing that with anyone else unless I really trust them.

[Host (Female)]

What happened? Because I had the worst first time, too. But, I mean, we see where it landed me, so sometimes I think I want the complete opposite of you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think when you have bad ones the first time and it's good for you.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It creates texture.

[Host (Female)]

What happened? Can we talk about it?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. It was. It was just. I mean, it's just. It's comedy, really. It's like a. It's like American Pie almost.

[Host (Female)]

How old were you?

[Bert Kreischer]

17 years old. I had thought about this.

[Host (Female)]

We were late bloomers. I didn't have. I didn't lose my virginity till 16.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So, yes. I wanted it. 14. I was ready.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I thought I was ready. 15. I'm like, okay, any minute now, it's 16. I'm like, maybe I'm gay. It's. I was like this. Why isn't this happening?

[Host (Female)]

What.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is happening at 17? I was like, all right. I met a girl and I knew she had had sex, so I was like, all right, this is a possibility. We started dating. She was like, the hottest girl at our school or at the girls school. I went to an all boys Catholic high school. And then that night, we went to her friend's dad's crash pad. Like her dad had, like, a bachelor pad. I don't know, a double date. And then we watched Pet Sematary.

[Host (Female)]

That'll get you in the mood.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, right, kids. Daddy light. And we went back to the room, and I was. I went in, got her naked, went to put the condom on. And as I put the condom on, I'd never done it. So I unrolled it all the way and was like, whoa, that's. What neighborhood did we buy this in? That's bigger than I thought it would be. I'd never seen one. I never put a. You don't put condoms on if you're not gonna use one.

[Host (Female)]

And back in the day, they didn't teach us that in school.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. At an old boys Catholic high school, do you know what they showed us freshman year? A third trimester abortion on tv. We sat through and watched the whole abortion.

[Bunny]

Where was this?

[Host (Female)]

Jesuit high school in Cali.

[Bert Kreischer]

In town in Tampa.

[Host (Female)]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

We watched a third trimester, everybody. That is when the baby is fully.

[Host (Female)]

I know. That's crazy. I can't even believe they did that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. I can't believe it happened either, to be dead honest with you.

[Bunny]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I texted Ty Rodriguez one time, and I was like, did we watch an abortion as kids? And he was like, yep. But so I go to put the condom on, and I just go, oh, you must slide it on. Right? Is that because you remember in Revenge of the Nerds when they were all the way unwrapped and they went like this? I figured that's how you do it. And then it filled with air, and I'm like, that can't be good because there's air trapped in there. So I'm trying to squeeze the air out. Now I'm making balloon animals down there. And then I'm like, all right, all right, this condom's done. All right. So I get another condom. I put that on that one. I remember putting the condom on. Felt good. I get on top of her, and it's one. And on the withdrawal, I just. I'm like,

[Host (Female)]

was she a virgin too, or. She was. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

She looked at me and said, are you gonna put it in? My dick was between her butt cheek and the bed. I didn't even fuck a person.

[Host (Female)]

Bert, I want to hug you right now. You poor baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm 17 years old, and I'm like, what the fuck? I mean, now, listen, I can go into wild, great detail of how the next 30 minutes transcended, but suffice to say, I didn't have another condom. We still had sex. It was a fucking nightmare. I mean, I could tell you things that you would not believe. I mean, it was so bad, top to bottom. I'll tell you this. And if you need to bleep, bleep, bleep it, just for, God forbid, any reason. At the end, when I got done, I figured she had an orgasm. I figured maybe you finally got it in, though. Yeah. But it's like going, hey, you want to go for a hike? And someone's like, yeah, let's jump in the river, get our socks wet first. And you're like, oh, this will be a fun hike. Oh, I'm like. In my head, I'm like, I don't think this is how you're supposed to use condom. Am I getting her pregnant? And then I get done, I pull it out, and it's still there. The condom's still there. It's not on me. It's in there.

[Host (Female)]

And I'm like.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'm pulling, pulling tug of war, tug of war, snap hits my hand, hits off the thing, and hits on a fucking mirror. I swear to God. And I'm sitting there going, I walked into the bathroom from that bedroom. I looked in the mirror. I was like, who the fuck are you? I would literally have like, that's not how it's supposed to be done, big guy. We thought we'd be better at this.

[Host (Female)]

You poor baby.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I had my first anxiety attacks after that. I started getting anxiety attacks. I was like, I have aids. I have. I got her pregnant. I'm not ready to be a parent. I'm never doing this again.

[Host (Female)]

And, like, so you think that that situation caused so much, like, PTSD for you that it literally sent you into panic attack spirals?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And I was like, I'm never having. I'm not gonna have sex again unless I'm dating them and I'm willing to have a kid with them in my head. And so I waited another probably two years to have sex and then had sex freshman year of college and then dated that chick for, like, five years

[Host (Female)]

because you just felt you. You were so scared to even try to go anywhere else.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, she likes what I do. I was like, you know, it's almost like if you're bad at karaoke.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're not the one going, hey, let's go to karaoke. Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Then you'll go to them, but you're like, I'd rather not sing.

[Host (Female)]

And then you'll get up on stage when you're drunk, you know, because when you're comfortable.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then, and then I had to

[Host (Female)]

pop my own cherry the first time I had sex.

[Bert Kreischer]

I never understood what a cherry was. I've never been with a virgin.

[Host (Female)]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I've ever been is I rented a car that had 14 miles.

[Host (Female)]

So. And so when the woman, when you have sex with a woman that's a virgin for the first time, she has this piece of skin called a hymen. When the penis goes in, it rips the skin. We bleed. And that's how you know that you're with a virgin or whatever. So, yeah, that my first time, the guy who I was with, had him, and this is in my book, had a micro penis. I'm talking like half of my pinky. Like, it was very tiny. And listen, and I'm not shaming anybody with a micro penis. You know, we'll never. Yuck anybody's yum. Some people are into those. But, you know, the first time you have sex, you kind of need depth to pop the hymen. And he just couldn't do it. So I threw him down on a lawn chair and straddled him and popped my own cherry. And that is how my sexcapades in life started.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I, I, I never got, I don't think I ever got comfortable having sex with someone until the end, like, where I was like, actually, I've said this a lot. I've said this to her recently. I mean, it's, this sounds really creepy to hear from a guy who's been married to her for 21 years. But I say I've said a lot lately. Thank you so much for letting me be who I am in bed. Because I never, I never ever spoke during sex. I never tried anything, if anything adventurous. I never tried it because I was just like, I was like, I don't want to hear, no, I don't want to fuck up. I just want to keep it on the rails. And now she has allowed me and by within, in the twilight of our marriage. Meaning, like after, not when we were first started dating.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not when we were young and we could have taken pictures and it would have been great. Like, now she's allowed me to be who I am. And I was never, I would, I have no interest in starting that journey with anyone else.

[Host (Female)]

I love that. I just hearing that you've only been with Six women in your entire life is mind blowing to me. And I think that'll be mind blowing to other people, too, because you're freaking Bert Kreischer. You're the machine. You're Dan Wilder was literally, you inspired that movie, which is crazy to me because I grew up watching that movie, and that was one of my favorite movies. And then when I found out that it was inspired by you, I was like, this is freaking full circle. Like, it's so crazy. But you and my husband are a lot of like. Like, in so many ways. And I think so, yeah. Oh, no. You guys are like, he's the same way with Jason. Cut this out. But he's the same way sexually, too. Like, you know, he's. And now that he's lost all his weight, he's, like, starting to explore, and I'm just like, use me. Use me and abuse me, baby. But he told me that you invited him to go do something with some CrossFit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. I don't know if we're allowed to talk about that.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's these twin crossfit women that live here in. I think I'll out by here, and they have a gym, and they invited us to work out. And I was like, yo, let me hit jelly. See if he wants to go.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he was like, not with this face.

[Host (Female)]

My poor baby shaved his beard. And so the. The Internet has it all wrong. He hasn't seen his face in 20 years, so he doesn't know what he looked like under there. And he's like, baby, after I do this photo shoot, the Men's Health cover, he's like, I'm gonna shave my beard, and I want to see what it looks like. And I'm like, okay, okay. And so we go in the bathroom, and he just starts, you know, shaving. And he looked so hot with a cop stash. Oh, my God. It was like his mullet and the cop stash. I was like. And then he shaves, and the goatee was hot, too. And then he shaves it off, and it changed everything. I was like, it's not terrible, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But then we walk out, and the kid starts crying. Bailey starts crying and is just like, oh, my God, Dad. Don't ever do that. Have you. When was the last time you shaved your face?

[Bert Kreischer]

So the last time I shaved, it was, like, right when my life changed. So, like, I always. I always say there's, like, you know, I look at things and I do this dramatically, like, leanne it'll roll her eyes. There was a phrase where I said, there's two. There's two parts of my life. There's life before I knew about black widow spiders and life after I knew about black widow spiders. So our house was infested with black widow spiders.

[Bunny]

Oh, God.

[Bert Kreischer]

And my OCD was insane. And then I. And then we got past it. No one got bit. And I went, okay. But I say this with my career. There's life before I posted the Machine Story and life after. And that one day that I post the Machine, that week was a crazy fucking week for me in that. And it's all represented by Credence Clear Order Revival. The music defines that one week. But it 2016, December 27th, that week I posted the Machine story. I was doing New Year's Eve at Oxnard. No one showed up. They were paying me 25 grand, and they lost their ass on it. And I knew that was going to come back for my next year. So I was like, I'm fucked financially next year. I'd gotten fired from Travel Channel. My special didn't perform. Leanne was redoing our house, and she wanted to get me to get a vasectomy. All in this one week. And Tom was fat shaming me, and we were doing Rogan to weigh in, and the loser was getting his beard shaved off.

[Host (Female)]

Oh. And I was a lot of stress.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was so much stress. And. And I.

[Host (Female)]

Why did Leanne have to throw in the vasectomy on top of all of that? It was a must.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was like, I remember we got the dumbest fight. I was like, does stuff still come out? She goes, does it matter? I go, yeah, I'm not paying for procedure. So every time I have an orgasm, it looks like my dick has a dry heaves.

[Host (Female)]

It's like dust. Yeah, just like the fairy dust. Like glitter sprinkles.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And so she. And so then we went and we weighed in with Joe three times. Tom won the first one or. No, two times. Tom won the second one. And then he got to shave my beard. Now, you can find this online. It is. Tom and I have, like, three. We have, like, probably 10 times we've laughed the hardest together. This is in my memory number two. This is the second hardest we've ever laughed together is Tom shaved my beard. And he got to see what I look like first. I didn't get to see it. And his eyes were like, it's not good. And he. And I started laughing so hard. You can see that if you watch this video. Yeah. I think Rogan shot it on his phone. But it is two guys who absolutely love each other having a moment of just pure comedy.

[Host (Female)]

Can we bring this up?

[Bert Kreischer]

I. It's. I. Yeah. I don't know if you can find it.

[Host (Female)]

We have a tv, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Female)]

We can look at it at. I have to see what you look like without a beard.

[Bert Kreischer]

But what. What's. You know, it gets worse. Don't even find the video because it's not worth.

[Host (Female)]

It's okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

I get the beard shaved. Tom leaves me with a pin, a thin mustache. I get out of the car, and Isla's in the front yard. She had to be 10 years old. And she goes, you look like a pervert.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I said, how do you know what a pervert looks like? She goes, I'm staring at one right now. And it was. It was. But what's crazy about it? So then I shaved the mustache. I shaved. I shave clean, and then I look in the mirror, and it's bizarre. I mean, there's got to be a therapy term for this. I have not seen that kid. Kid since college. I haven't seen him since early, like, freshman year of college when I started growing a goatee. I was 21. I haven't seen that kid in. At the time, it must have been, you know, 25 years.

[Host (Female)]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And I looked at him, and I had a conversation with him, and I was like, dude, what have you been doing? And he was like. And he was like. He was like, I've been watching you. And I was like. It was so I got emotional because I was like. I was like, dude, it was almost like time traveling. I was like, hey, man, we're doing really good. Like, we just. Like, it's rough right now, but things are gonna turn around. And then the machine story went viral, and I was like. I was like, I think things are looking. I was. I had a time travel conversation with myself. It's a crazy thing that not anyone gets to do, but these men that have had beards for 25 years get to look back into the looking glass and see what they looked like and talk to themselves. It was. Was wild. I got high. I was highest.

[Host (Female)]

Were you on mushrooms?

[Bert Kreischer]

No. We had just done Rogan.

[Host (Female)]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was very high, and I was drunk, and I went in and I shaved clean, and I looked at myself, and I had this bizarre. Because I kiss myself in the mirror sometimes.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, when I feel bad, I'll lean in and I'll kiss myself.

[Host (Female)]

It's like an affirmation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Bunny]

I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so. But it was crazy. And I thought when I saw his face, I was like, I wonder what. I wonder who he saw.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, who was that last? I bet. I. I don't. I was like, I don't think he's ever been. It's been while. Since he'd been that skinny, too.

[Host (Female)]

Who, Jay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, yeah. No, it's been crazy. He's so tiny now. Like, it's crazy. He hasn't been this skinny ever in his entire life. His wiener has grown. Like, it's. I'm like, where did that come from? Like, it hurts now. I'm like, what is happening, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so. I'm so. You know, I was saying to someone, they're like, like, you know, said something. I. I casually will say. I just say, jelly.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm never gonna. I've friends that I know that Their real names. But I never say the thing. I'd say the thing I met when I met them. Right.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Casually said, jelly. And someone goes, oh, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah. And like, no, no. Have you. No. Have you been tracking it? I went, yeah, yeah. And they're like, no. Oh, I was on an airplane. I was on an airplane, and I was saying. We were. The guy was talking about diplo having a 5K.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I ran a 5k with. I run a 5k with my buddies, Tom and Jelly. And they were like. He was like, oh, dude, Jelly roll. And I went, yeah. He goes, have you seen his weight loss? And I was like, yeah, yeah, of course. And he was like, no, no, no, no. Have you. You. Do you. Have you seen a picture, though? And they started pulling up pictures, and I'm on my head. I was like. I was like, yeah, I've been there. It's intimate to me.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I remember that moment. Yeah. I have to share this with a bunch of people. But the four of us crossed that finish line.

[Host (Female)]

You inspired him a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

You said, I think you might have changed his life. And Jelly's like, I think this changed my life. I mean, it's the accomplishment of. Of doing a 5k when you're at that size.

[Host (Female)]

Listen, I did the 5k with you guys and could barely keep up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Travis Barker's just running laps around us.

[Bert Kreischer]

He didn't even know we ran it. He ran it like he got. Ran it and then left.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. No fucking problem. We're like. We see him pass Us twice, and we're still on the same freaking loop. It was. It was a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was a lot.

[Host (Female)]

But that day, that really was like. You have been such a good role model for Jay and such an inspiration for him because even just inviting him to that 5k just lit a fire under his ass. And he's like, forest. That boy has not stopped running. He literally woke up this morning and went running. You know, like, he's just. It was. It's a beautiful moment, and I. I can't wait till he can actually tell the whole story of, like, how it's inspired him and stuff like that. You had a huge role in that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I have. I mean, our. You know, he said seven phones since I've first known him.

[Host (Female)]

You have to get a hold of me.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I gave up.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, I gave up. Everybody, like, literally, Jon Bon Jovi just texted me the other day. He's like, hey, can you tell Jay this? But he's got Jay's number. But it's like, you know, like, people always have to text me because then the message will get to him. He. I don't even keep up with all of his phones either. What inspired you to start these 5Ks?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I wish I had a noble

[Host (Female)]

answer because, like, it's become, like, a huge thing. The one that we ended up going to. There was a ton of people there now. There was, like, people. People really look forward to it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think we had 9,000 in Tampa.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Which is crazy. I mean, that's like a. For people to go run. That's pretty wild. In all honesty. We were doing a podcast, me and Tom and. And I had gone to shows, and I'd done these meet and greets, and I was like, my fans are like me. I was like, we need to get in shape. And I thought very selfishly, if I don't get them in shape, I'm not going to have a fan base in 10 years. I was like. I was like, I gotta get them in shape because I still want to do stand up.

[Host (Female)]

I love your logic. He's like, I don't need to get into sh, but I need to get my fans into shape.

[Bert Kreischer]

I need them more than they need me. They yell, I love you, Burton. I go, I love you way more than you love me. I can't operate without you. Yeah, I get nothing without you. You are the most important thing to me. So I said to Tom, we need to get our fans in shape on the podcast. And he was like, yeah. And Tom had just run his first 5k with his buddy had cancer and he said he'd do it for his buddy and Tom blew up about it. Now, I had been doing 5Ks marathons, half marathons, triathlons, Spartan race, tough. I did the first tough mudder they held. I did that. Like, I've always been into that culture and I've. And I.

[Host (Female)]

You're an athletic big guy. I don't even think you're, like, big. You just have your little tummy. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm shockingly athletic. I'm surprisingly athletic.

[Host (Female)]

So is my husband. I call him an agile big guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I. And I've always done it because the party afterwards. A blast. The party after. But the best race you can run is half marathon. It really tests you. It really pushes you. And the party after is awesome.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And a marathon. Never do another one again unless Jelly does one. I'll do one with him.

[Host (Female)]

He's going to do one you should do. I think he wants to do. What is it, a 10 or 20? He wants to do one where I have to go meet him at the stops or something like that. I don't. Listen, let him get it out of his system. He wants to do it. He wants to skydive, too. I'm not doing that. Will you skydive with him?

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Host (Female)]

Okay, me either.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just gotta have. Twice. It's not worth it, really. Hang on. It will give him something that it wouldn't give you. It will give you something he could never get and you would get edit whatever you want out of this, but me and you have very similar brains. And I know that because of any time Jelly's hit his dab rig, we have very similar brains. We have a little bit of an OCD to us.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, I have a lot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you do.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you do. And I. And I do as well.

[Bunny]

Where does your OCD stem from?

[Bert Kreischer]

Same. I don't know. For a very long time, I could not. I. The first time I ever smoked marijuana. Not first time, but, like, the fifth time, I had the weird, worst panic attack I've ever had my entire life.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, God. I did that with a gravity bong hit one time.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And from that point in high school and until. I'm almost embarrassed saying this, until I was probably 37, maybe 40, I couldn't. If you smoked weed around me, I would feel it. Like, I would. I would have. I could feel it in my throat.

[Host (Female)]

I'm the same way.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I. And I could not be around It. And it was doing Rogan's podcast where I was like, I have to. I can't. Can't not be in a room where people smoke weed. This is crazy.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I started smoking, like almost microdose smoking weed just so that I could be around it in these podcasts. I love doing the podcast.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And everyone in LA was smoking weed at the time.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. And that's a good idea, though, because they say that for ocd, exposure therapy is the best way to get yourself over that thing that you are OCD about.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But the thing you. The reason you don't want to skydive is the same reason I didn't want to skydive. And it is why if you skydive, it is the craziest conversation you get to hear in your head. It is. There is a moment of.

[Host (Female)]

I feel like I'd croak up there.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's pure clarity. Pure clarity. When you jump out and you're screaming at the earth and you realize the dice have been rolled. There's no fixedness.

[Host (Female)]

There's no I'm croaking right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's no pill I can take to retrofit this death. I either am going to die or live. And how do I accept that moment?

[Host (Female)]

I don't want to be in that position.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's a crazy realization and dare I say, worth it to do it once, don't do it twice. I did it twice. And the second time I was like, I've already been here. Why are we doing this again? This is stupid. I feel like I'm gonna throw up. This guy doesn't know my boundaries.

[Host (Female)]

I have an extreme fear of heights. So there's like, I cannot.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have a. I'm telling you, when I say you should do it, you should do it.

[Host (Female)]

Only because I want to faint thinking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The plane ride up is horrific.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, God. And it's one of those rickety ass planes. Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

And no one cares. Even though, like, everyone's got parachutes on. So they're like, hey, hey, hey. And then when they open the door. I did it. First time I did it was with Rachael Ray. And when they opened the door and they. And the crazy thing is they go, put your hands on your. You know, your. Because they don't want you grabbing things.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you put your hands on. And then they go, we're gonna get out to the edge. And you are outside of the plane. You are outside of the plane. And he is in and he's holding on but you are. You're out. It's already started for you and there's no turning back.

[Host (Female)]

They don't let you not jump.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile with a message for everyone paying big wireless way too much. Please, for the love of everything good in this world, stop with Mint. You can get premium wireless for just $15 a month. Of course, if you enjoy overpaying. No judgments. But that's weird. Okay, one judgment anyway. Give it a try.

[Host (Female)]

@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 per

[Bunny]

3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only, then full price plan options available,

[Host (Female)]

taxes and fees extra.

[Bunny]

See full [e-mail].

[Bert Kreischer]

no, they don't. Oh, God, nobody. They don't let you not jump. The dude's already strapped into you. He's going.

[Host (Female)]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's not going to land the plane with you. No.

[Host (Female)]

God, my butthole's puckered right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know who Mel Robbins is? Yes, she is awesome.

[Bunny]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And she wrote a book called Let Them and. And there's control things in it. And it's one of those control things that I had. Yeah, it was great. And I did it the second time, and I take it or leave it, the second time I was like, I already had the experience and nothing wasn't for people like me and you, the first time's the one doing it.

[Host (Female)]

Just the initial jumping off, the, you know, jump off.

[Bert Kreischer]

Have you jumped off a. Like a 10 meter high dive?

[Host (Female)]

No, I. No, not a 10 meter. I'm trying to think because I was on a diving team when I was younger, but I don't think it was that.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's the platform. The high. High. High.

[Host (Female)]

No, not that high.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's terrifying.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, I couldn't even imagine the fucking. And with my luck and the shape of my ass, if I even turn the wrong way, I am belly flopping or back flopping. There's no in between, okay? I'm going one way or the other. There's no straight line for me, buddy. Not happening. All right, so we never. We never did this game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Porn. Porn. Porn. God, I told you I'm the worst in interviews because I derail so easily.

[Host (Female)]

I loved it. It's a beautiful conversation. But this is. Is it a porn category or an energy drink drink flavor? All right, ready? And it's rapid fire, so you just have to say porn Energy drink. Cream Pie Crush.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's porn hardline. That's flavor.

[Host (Female)]

Titty sprinkles.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's Porn.

[Host (Female)]

Wet works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Porn Milfuel Porn.

[Host (Female)]

Red Dragon.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's energy.

[Host (Female)]

Wrong. Bang Bus.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was born. You did those guys.

[Host (Female)]

I really thought the hard line was gonna catch you. No, I thought the hard going to get you. He's like, nope, that's an energy drink. I'm going to ask you a couple more questions. Just some fun questions that we can get some answers to. What is the dumbest thing that you've ever done naked that you're willing to admit today?

[Bert Kreischer]

So much. I've done so much naked.

[Host (Female)]

I know. That's why I thought it was a great question. Because literally, what haven't you done naked is pretty much what, you know, they've

[Bert Kreischer]

all panned out for me.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I took a shit on a pizza box to win an election in college and. And worked out, you know, I won the election A. And then B, it got written up in Rolling Stone and became like, kind of like folklore. So, like, I think, you know, I. I got turned on and naked pretty young at like, I wasn't comfortable with my body looked like. And then when I was a freshman in college, there was this dude. I won't say his name because I've said it a bunch. And he's a huge hedge fund guy in Miami.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I. And he apparently.

[Host (Female)]

Does he want to be associated with you or no?

[Bert Kreischer]

He was in my fraternity. I don't know. He was older than me, but he would get naked all the time and he didn't have a big dick. And I was like, that's crazy that he gets naked and he doesn't have a big dick. And someone goes, that's not a big dick. And I went, no. And he's like, oh, I figured because he pulls it out, it's big. And then I realized no guy is a big dick.

[Host (Female)]

I think you told us that you were swiped up.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm okay.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I just was like, oh, that's a power move. Move is like with guys not with girls dominating, but with guys it's like drop trowel and then Greek times. Yeah. Yeah. And so I had. I was one of those guys. I'm in the group of guys that getting naked didn't. Never bothered me.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now I almost have a problem with it. Like, I get like, Kyle woke me up the other day with his mom in our tour bus, and it's a true story. And he goes, he was at his childhood home and he wanted me to wake up to see it. We were on the bus and I heard him go. He's awake. He's naked, but he's awake. So, like, I sleep naked. The dumbest thing I've ever done naked probably was a slip and slide. I cut. I sliced my ass whole. No, no, the tailbone. Bad.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

I fell off the bed one time having sex with Leigh Ann and landed on a razor, and I cut my ass open pretty aggressively.

[Host (Female)]

What the hell was a razor doing on the ground? God. Got it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's just say they call me the Barber of Seville.

[Host (Female)]

That is hilarious. What comedian would you least want to see naked?

[Bert Kreischer]

I've seen Tom naked.

[Host (Female)]

Who smells worse on tour, you or Tom?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's gonna be me.

[Host (Female)]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Tom. Tom.

[Host (Female)]

He's like, I'm taking that out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tom's a very fancy boy. Tom is Tom. There's two versions of Tom. There's hot sauce in his backpack, back pocket Tom. And then there's like, oh, my God, I have money. Tom.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, he was the funnest person to watch Get Rich. Cause he was poor for so long, and then one day he was like, dude, you know, I could have two chargers for an iPhone. I don't have to plug it in the wall. And then walk over there to charge my. Like, he was like. He was the funniest person to watch Get Rich. Cause then he'd be like, yo, I can buy stuff I don't need. But he is like, like, cologne, shower, fresh clothes, laid out.

[Host (Female)]

Is he, like, Metro now?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's very. He talks his shirt in now.

[Host (Female)]

What the hell?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. He is. He is a. He's very. A very, very, very clean guy.

[Host (Female)]

Wow. I would have never guessed that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am not. I love when my body smells.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love a good.

[Host (Female)]

You're like a brute. You're like a real. Just. You're just a boy's boy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have to be into men if you have sex with me.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you have, like, Leanne, like, likes men. Like, she. She doesn't. Like. She. Like, when we first started dating, I was. I was. I was. I was shaving like, my. Be my. My face. She was like, hey, you're a man. Let it grow a little bit. And so then I started lining it. She's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're a man. Let it grow.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So my beard today, and I was trimming my hair on my chest. She was like, no, be a man. Leanne likes a man.

[Host (Female)]

I love that Leanne like, keeps you in check. She doesn't let you, like, you know, do anything crazy. Like, she always has your best interest.

[Bert Kreischer]

One time, one time we were at a party and there was coke. And I said, yo, there's coke. She goes, okay. And I was like, I'm just giving you a heads up. She's like, you can do it if you want. And I was like, wait, for real? She was like, yeah, I'm not your mom. And I was like, okay. She goes, but listen, if you do it, you can't come home tonight. And I was like, don't worry. Don't worry.

[Host (Female)]

Why won't she let you home when

[Bert Kreischer]

you're on with the girls? She's like, I don't want you doing drugs. I didn't do coke.

[Host (Female)]

I don't know if, like, you were, like, crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, I've never, I haven't done coke. I haven't done coke in. God, since I lived in New York, I think.

[Host (Female)]

I mean, you can't do coke nowadays.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Host (Female)]

This had to have been years ago because coke nowadays is. You're just literally playing Russian roulette with your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how I feel.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's why I tell my girls. But, yeah, I've, and I've been offered it a couple times.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. By some famous people. And I really. There's a two that I regret that I go, oh, I should have done coke. Them. But then I'm glad I didn't because I'm here.

[Host (Female)]

I don't like it. Coke makes me, like, rock back and forth. Like, I, I'd have to be, like, superfaced and on zanny bars to be able to do cocaine. I've done a lot of it, but I never really liked it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I enjoyed it very much, but I did not. The next day was really tough for me. Mentally crazy. Oh. I mean, I, I don't know that I, you know, I don't think I could ever do it again. Just knowing what the next day was.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I don't think I could enjoy it, knowing this is coming up.

[Host (Female)]

Do you battle, like, mental health issues?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I mean, I think, I don't know. I don't know, because I'm, I also am, like, really tough on myself. So, like, I figure, I, I don't know, I figure someone's got it worse than me.

[Host (Female)]

Right. I feel the same way whenever I talk about things too, but that does. You can't minimize how you feel based on other people's things that they have going on too, because, you know, there's levels, of course, to everything. But I think it helps when we talk about our mental health because it makes people who are going through it not feel like we do, if that makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it does when you, like, maybe it does when I. I know people have reached out to me, but I know also that, like, you know how the Internet weaponizes anything you say. Vulnerable against you.

[Host (Female)]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're like, ugh. Like, God damn it. I. I look back and I go, I should never have shared anything.

[Host (Female)]

Do you know how many news cycles I've been in for fucking opening my mouth, dude?

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's like, I'm just being honest. I'm just telling you. I deal with this. And it's like, you know, it's like I know certain things about. I know certain things about certain celebrities that they. Where they don't share it because they don't want it out there. And I'm like, that's a fucking smart move.

[Host (Female)]

The older, the longer that we're in this business. I do understand why people keep things close to their chest.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God, it's crazy easy.

[Host (Female)]

They'll. They'll demonize you for anything, and it stinks. But my husband's getting flack for saying that he wanted to go home when he was in Australia and that he was in a mentally bad place. I read the comments yesterday on a post and people were like, oh, poor you, you're getting paid to sing. Or like, you know, like. And it's just crazy because it's like a man's being very honest with his mental health struggles.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, you know, it's like. I don't know the right way to say this, but it's like, we can bleep it. No, no, no. But it's like, it's frustrating to me because. Because, you know, There's this wild insensitivity that happens. It's almost, you know, it's like. I don't say people enjoy watching people die, but there is this sense when someone dies that a little bit of the room goes, thank God that's not me. You know, like, almost like, you know, like, I've been to a lot of funerals. I went back when they had them. I haven't been to one in a while. No one does them anymore. And they don't. They don't even do celebrations alive. People just die. And people just go, let's not bring it up. It's like, well, most people die of suicides, but anyway, so. But like, there's this wild insensitivity that's happening, and I'm certain I'm a part of it. I'm certain I've done it. Cause I've been with people that have said it's gross because it happens to them. And then they do it. And within a matter of seconds after that, they'll do it about someone else. And I'm trying to get to the base of, like, what is the thing that's eating me up? And I try to overshare. Because if you overshare a little bit, you might get beaten up and attacked for it and whatever. But maybe if it helps a couple people.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, you know, just a dude like you, who's so boisterous, who's so, like, just high on life. I think when people hear like, hey, I battle OCD like that. I never knew you had OCD.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my OCD's my cities annoying. Like, it. It is. I don't know what other people is. It's. It really. We used to call it Big Brain versus Little Brain. Is like, Big Brain with was the bad guy, and Little Brain was the sweetest guy. He's who I am. I'm Little Brain, really. And Little Brain would be like, hey, man. I remember. I remember there was a period in. I was in Italy doing Travel Channel. This is when I. I named them. And I was with my whole group, my Travel Channel team. And I had. I had a black spot on the back of my leg. It was just a mole. It's just a mole.

[Host (Female)]

I'll freak out.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I.

[Host (Female)]

You have health anxiety, too. Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean,

[Host (Female)]

wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, I. I feel it. Trust me, I get it. Every day I'm in chat GPT try to diagnose myself.

[Bert Kreischer]

I. I had. I had a. I was zening a bunch, and I had, like, a lump right there. And I was like, that's it. I'm dead. I'm gone. I'm gone. And this is the way Little Brain and Big Brain work. So. Yeah, so I feel it, right? And then I. Little Brain's like, no, don't worry. It's nothing. It's nothing. Hey, it's nothing. Trust me. It's zins. They don't cause cancer. But. Yeah, but you smoke cigars. That's Big Brain. You used to smoke cigars. Remember? Smoking cigars? And Little Brain's like, but we haven't had one in a while. And he's like, oh, we were smoking them every night for a period there. And then you're like, shut the fuck up, Big Brain. And then you go to sleep, and Big Brain is like, sound asleep. And Little Brain wakes up first and he's like, hey, don't wake him up. Let's get through today. Fine, fine. Don't look in the mirror. Don't look in the mirror. And then all of a sudden, you're in the bathroom, you're brushing the teeth, and your big brain wake up and go, have we checked our cancer in our mouth yet?

[Host (Female)]

You're like, shut the fuck up. That is the best way to explain ocd.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

That is a phenomenal way.

[Bert Kreischer]

It sucks. And I didn't know that I had it. I didn't know that I had panic. I didn't know I had anxiety at all. I just didn't. And then I didn't know I had OCD until I married Leanne. And I got embarrassed of certain rituals I had. Like, I don't mind sharing them now, but, like, these are crazy. Like, I would put booby traps all around the house right when we went to bed. Skateboards on every door handle to see

[Host (Female)]

if one of them moved while you were sleeping. I do that when I'm in hotel rooms.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. And then before I fly, my flying was my worst is I had to. I had to shower a certain way, so I had to. I had to cover my whole body in soap. And then I had to get down in, like, a squat, like a full squat, and say a prayer. And then I had to visualize the plane taking off in each direction. Northeast, south, and west, six times, flying three times to the next one, landing six times in each direction. And then. And then I had to do it one more time. And then I had to circle myself. It was so crazy.

[Host (Female)]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

And Leanne would watch me, and she was like, what are you doing? And I couldn't talk during it, so I had to sit silent and do this all covered in soap. And then clean off I go. It's what I do before I fly. And if you don't know it and you're sitting in the shower with a man and you watch him do this, you're like, that's fucking crazy. And then I'm getting on the plane. I wore the same outfit flying for, like, 15 years. I wore the same outfit. Like, same. Like, it was jeans, fry boots, the same T shirt from Lucky, a Lucky hoodie, and a leather jacket. Even in the summer, I wore the same outfit flying everywhere I went.

[Host (Female)]

I understand that. I won't wear shorts, really, in public places, because I don't want my legs to touch things or on planes. If I'm on planes, I have to have my arms covered. I have to Always have a flannel over me or a hoodie or something because I cannot touch anything inside airplanes. It freaks me out. Yeah. So I completely understand that.

[Bert Kreischer]

So with these meds. These meds do incite physical illness. So, like, Manjaro does make you ill. Like yesterday, I couldn't tell if it was me making myself ill or if it was the medicine making myself ill. And so I'm sitting in this and I have a weird. I've always had a weird thing about my throat closing.

[Host (Female)]

Me, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've always. And it's like. And I. I threw up violently in. In lax. I don't think it was Manjaro. I think it was. I don't know what it was.

[Host (Female)]

It's probably the Manjaro. That stuff's rough. We need to get you on Retta. I really want you to. I'm gonna send you some stuff in our group chat because I really think you'll do good with Retta.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it says shredded. Sounds really good.

[Host (Female)]

Shredded and no side effects. And I'm gonna get you the test. More like one, but.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but that's like anything with any med. Any med. The first time I take it, I'm like, I just invited something into my system, right?

[Host (Female)]

I have to do a countdown. So anytime I. Like, I just started these new peptides, and anytime I take a medication, anytime I do an injection, anything new that is, I'm not used to. I have an hour or two hour countdown of my safe window where I'll be completely panicking and we'll freak out until two hours passes. And then I'm like, okay. I'm okay. Because I'm so scared of, like, anaphylactic

[Bert Kreischer]

or like, when we did. Something's burning me. You and Jelly. And he wanted to hit his dad rig in the house. And you're like, well, then I'll walk out at that moment. I. I don't know if there's video of it. I felt like I'm talking to a sibling. Like, I was like. When I saw you do that. And you did it at the 5k too. You're like, just don't be upwind. I went. I've never heard. That's almost like. It's almost like saying, like, you meet someone who does the same, like, weird thing you do, and you know and you keep your secret. You don't tell anyone yours. And then you see them do it. You're like, shut up. And then you're like, I can trust you. Like, it must be what, like, gay kids feel like A kid, when they go, when they go, oh, I suck dicks. Oh, you suck dicks? What's.

[Host (Female)]

No, I, I, I'm blown away because I never knew, like, and it's, it's hell to live with with. But when you learn how to do the exposure therapy, I still can't do it with his dab rigs because I've been locked in a freaking passage 18 passenger van with him when he was doing dabs. I think I'm scarred for life with that. But like, a lot of other things, like, I've gotten a lot better with and touring actually helped me with that because it pulled me out of my comfort zone and I had to be in like crusty freaking, like amphitheaters and like, you know, like stuff that wasn't clean or wasn't, you know, OCD is so many things.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's so crazy because I don't get it on stage at all. The safest place I am.

[Host (Female)]

Because your mind isn't thinking about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not thinking about it.

[Host (Female)]

You can occupy your mind. That's, that's what quiets the OCD noise. So, like, when I'm doing podcasts, I used to freak out and have panic attacks while I was doing podcasts, and now that I've gotten so much comfortable with it, it's because your brain isn't zeroing in on what your body is feeling and like, trying to trick you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's fun. I'm so glad we're talking about it because I hope that someone, and I hope there's a 15 year old girl or boy listening to this going like, that's what I got.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, just don't listen to the first part of the podcast.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, don't listen to the first part. But no, but I think it's so, I think it is healthy. And then, you know, and look and people will weaponize it against me and they're gonna clip this out and Bert Kreischer crashes out and, and I really want to play John and he's mentally broken and you know, whatever they're gonna say, you're like, okay, but I guess I hope it helps somebody.

[Host (Female)]

No, it will help somebody. And I hate that you have to have a, that fear of being able to express what's really going on with you trying to help somebody because of how people want to clickbait headlines. I think that's insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

I heard the craziest thing that I understood that I totally understood. Eddie Murphy changed his laugh because he didn't like the way people were referencing

[Host (Female)]

his laugh, that was his original.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And he didn't like that it could be weaponized against him or that it would be played out or that he was predictable. So he. I mean, it's crazy. He changed his laugh and.

[Host (Female)]

And that's like a trademark.

[Bert Kreischer]

There was a moment that I had a very recognizable laugh, and I noticed that my laugh started to change. But it's. I think it changed because my voice got deeper from drinking or, or throwing up or whatever. No acid reflux, honestly. But my voice has gotten a lot deeper since I've been in this business. But my laugh, like, it's still a high pitched squeal, but it's not as high. I can't go that high anymore. But I was like, God dang it. Can you imagine if you let the world take your joy away?

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, but that's.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that's. I mean, that's. The business we're in is like. And Eddie Murphy's been in it the longest. Expose yourself all you can. People are gonna love you, but there are people that will just simply hate you. And you gotta let the hate come your way and just don't let it take your last laugh. Yeah, like, Eddie Murphy's old laugh was so good.

[Host (Female)]

Don't let it take your life.

[Bert Kreischer]

You guys even remember it?

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

And now it's like this.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. Oh, I never knew that about that. But that is so. That was such a really, like, gorgeous way of saying it was. Don't let it take your laugh the

[Bert Kreischer]

second it takes your sparkle. Right. The second the. And I say Internet, but it's people too. It's. It's. Look, man, go online and watch Karen's. Those people watch Walk. They're like, they're the walking dead and they're waiting for a kid to fish in their backyard retention pond. And like, you can't fish here. Like, who is he hurting? But those people walk around with the same anger and vitriol that happens on the Internet. And it's cool. Listen, I've never left a negative comment. But that's not to say I never said something negative.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've said negative. I've said wild negative.

[Host (Female)]

I will clap back at somebody, but I. Even when I clap back at him, I. To try not to match their negativity.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've never replied in the comments. I don't put it online. But on podcasts, I've said negative shit in private. I've said negative shit on stage.

[Host (Female)]

That's everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's everyone. And so don't isolate and go, oh, these comment people are horrible people. No, we do it. I do it. I just sometimes do it publicly. I just do it on a podcast and it comes back to bite me in the ass. As we were sitting here, I was thinking about it, about the girl I lost my virginity to, and I was like, I bet I'm gonna have to deal with this later. And so, but like, do people like

[Bunny]

that from your past resurface?

[Host (Female)]

Oh, all the time if you talk about them, yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Female)]

It's like they're 15 minutes of fame, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no, it's, it's my fault. I, I never change anyone's names. I keep the names always the same.

[Host (Female)]

I tried to do that in my book. They wouldn't let me. I had everybody on blast and they were like, like, no, we need to change names.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I was, I, yeah, I'm bad about that. And, and you know, but I think the thing I was saying was, I was like, I remember when, when the comments really did affect me. It's like, I think it was right when we bought our new house. And I, and I was very self conscious because we, all of a sudden we had this big house, you know, and I was like, and I, I, I lived in this 1100 square foot house on 7000 square feet. And it was very modest, but it was beautiful, it was fun, and I was always showing my life and I never had anything to hide. It was great. I loved it. But it was modest. People would come to my house and go, wow, this is small.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I'd go, oh yeah. And yeah. And they're like, no, I mean, I thought it was going to be bigger online. And then when I got to my new house and it was, you know, an acre, 50, 600 square foot house. And I was like, I was very embarrassed to show it and I was very cognizant not to show it. And when I did post a video, someone was like, he's changed. And it was, and that is the first time I ever saw, and I'm sure they were there before, but that was the first time I ever saw negative comments and they were affecting me. And I was unable to enjoy my new house because I felt embarrassed for it. And I, and I, and I remember going, I remember I had a social media team who, like, at the time, they were trying to take down anything that's, anyone that said anything negative about me. And I, and I, I had a moment of clarity where I was like, actually, Tommy, Called me and he was like. And he was like, this bad video about me. And he was like, I mean, I watched it, and I was like, how bad is it? He was like, it's not that bad. Bad. I was like, what do you mean? He goes, I mean, it's not that bad. And he goes, yeah, you've. You've changed, man. You're. You're making a ton of money. He was like, that's accurate. Like, yeah. And he was like, but. He goes, but you're still Bert. And he's like, and. And let that change happen, man. Who gives a.

[Host (Female)]

And then people want you to stay the same. And that. My. My husband deals with that a lot more than I do because I'm. You know, it's. We're in two different fields, and they don't know rapper role. You know, they just know country music artist role. Yeah. And, you know, his rapper fans are always like, oh, you've changed. And Jay's like, thank God. Thank God I've changed. Like, we don't want to still be who we were 20 years ago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Host (Female)]

It's almost like the Internet hates to see people achieve.

[Bert Kreischer]

They. They love. They love the climb up, right. The second they see you stand on top of the mountain.

[Host (Female)]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, hey, all I'll say is I try to identify because I have the same instinctual feelings. I love my band on the way up, but the second they get to the top and I maybe. Maybe they. Maybe they smell their own stink a little bit. There's something that changes, and you got. As an artist, you got to be comfortable with it because you got to recognize that this is a natural human behavior. What did they go after? Pedro Pascal, Right. And it's like, what has that guy done to anybody? Maybe he touched someone's face or something. Who knows? But like. But like. But like, they go after every. Everyone gets it. Who's the one that's getting it now? That's like everyone's favorite person. And all of a sudden they're like,

[Host (Female)]

yeah, that guy Ariana Grande is getting it right now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

I mean, like, what does she do? She doesn't do anything to anybody. Katy Perry. She gets it.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Katy Perry thing threw me through the roof.

[Host (Female)]

It's crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Katy Perry, right, is the soundtrack to my daughter's childhood.

[Host (Female)]

And she's a sweet woman. I've met her. I've been in her energy. She's not a bad. Like, she doesn't have bad energy. I've met celebrities who have. Have terrible energy. I'll Never say who they are. But Katie, just the sweetest little thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hated. I hated what they were doing to her.

[Host (Female)]

Living her life. It's still now, to this day, like, she can't do anything. She's dating, like, the Canadian governor now or something. Or the ex governor and, like, Trudeau. Yeah. She's with Justin Trudeau. Like, they will not leave her alone. Like, she just can't do anything. Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not. You know, it's. I don't know. It's not fair, but I guess nothing. Life's not fair. You die.

[Host (Female)]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, look, I mean, like, there's someone going. There's someone here in that go. Yeah, it really sucks for Katy Perry. I have pancreatic cancer. And you're like, okay, yeah, life's not fair. Life's not fair. I guess, you know, you get. You know, it's crazy that the. You know, the rare air that they won't touch. You know, like, they show, like, Beyonce, I got. Or. No, what was this song they were doing? They were doing the song from SNL where Kristen had the baby hands.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were. And then they put Katie, and it was just so unfair because I like Katy Perry.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But then I guess the ultimate space you want to be in, if you were the Dalai Lama.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You'd be laughing. Yeah, you'd be laughing and going, oh, they got me good. And I know guys like that who can go, they got me good. And I. I think I've gotten. Been. Gotten pretty good.

[Host (Female)]

Take it in stride, too, though. Like, you know, like, you've accomplished so much. It's like, at this point, anybody could say anything about you. And it's like my track record proves

[Bert Kreischer]

here's the things that are true about me. These are the true things. I. I always want people to have a good time.

[Bunny]

Yes.

[Host (Female)]

You always try to make people smile.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's it.

[Host (Female)]

Like, Even at the 5Ks, I noticed that about you, because you literally have, like, little stations where everybody's, like, just having a part. You run it kind of like a frat house, and it's the cutest thing ever, but it works.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Leanne says, I. It's a weird thing that, like, I can't. I. If I go into a gas station on the ride home, get a diet Mountain Dew, and you could argue I'm nicer to the person that I talk to behind that counter than anyone I'll meet all day. I'm so nice to people that I don't know. I said it to Leanne one time we were arguing and we walk into a fucking gas station and all of a sudden she's like, hey, can you turn some of that on for me? But there is a thing where I wanna make people smile, I wanna make people laugh. Laugh. I think silly all the time to just like, comedy is my favorite thing in the world. I never would stop doing comedy because the transaction that I get, you know, the same way a chef would get it for feeding people. But that transaction of coming up with an idea and like, and like the joy, like I said, I'm sure it won't go on my special, so I'll just tell you the joke. But one day I was like, I'm gonna kill two birds with one stone zone. I'm going to brush my teeth while I. And so I was like, did you taste it? No. No. I was like, I'm on there. By the way, I'm 52 years old and I'm like, why haven't I been doing this longer? This is like taking a shit. Brushing my teeth. I go, you know what? And I'm doing the mat. I go, I'm actually brushing my teeth for two minutes. Like you're supposed to brush your teeth. What if I just cheat coded it and then I'm done and I go to wipe. And as soon as I wipe, I swallowed the toothpaste and I went, oh, fuck. And then I started laughing. I go, that's a joke, right? That's a joke. And then I go, oh, I don't want to lose that sparkle. That goes, hey, I'm so. I'm gonna see if I can kill two birds with one stone. That's the sparkle you don't want to lose. Is that walking through your backyard, loving your backyard, getting into your gym, Loving being so grateful that you have an awesome gym and a great coffee maker to make a Duplio espresso iced coffee. And then turn on Netflix and know you can pay for Netflix. And. And then you get phone calls from great fucking people. So many times I'd get into the gym and I'd have a message from Jelly going, when does this walking shit get better? And you'd be like, yes. Or laying back while you're stretching in the gym, having the sun hit your face and thinking about your friends who have it tougher than you and going, God, man, I got it good today. That's the thing. You can't let the world take all that good stuff away.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, and I think that's. That's where I'm at right now is like, I started journaling, although I haven't journaled in, like, four days, but I started journaling on my 53rd birthday.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And sometimes they're the ravings of a madman, but sometimes they're really, like, cool. Like, you know, do you write for

[Host (Female)]

you, or do you write in hopes that somebody reads it day or night? Verbo Care is here 247 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out from the moment you book to the moment you head home. We're here to help things run smoothly, because a great trip starts with the right support. And, hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either.

[Bert Kreischer]

That is a great question.

[Host (Female)]

Well, because I journal, too, so I know how I journal.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I lost a joke book, and it was terrifying.

[Host (Female)]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because I. I never had thought of losing a joke book.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And this was. I mean, a joke. A joke book was my safe place.

[Host (Female)]

It's like a playbook for the NFL.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I stopped keeping joke books because of it. Because it was so terrifying that I was like. And my name's in it. Like, I write my name. Hey, you return to Bert. Because I think I would leave it at the store.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But. And then I. In that time, I got very famous, and I didn't realize that for a young comic, now they have leverage. They have my joke book, and they read it, and they're like, whoa, this is a crazy joke. This isn't even funny. This is kind of wild, right? And then that changed the way I did therapy, because I started lying in therapy.

[Host (Female)]

Oh, fuck.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Because it was.

[Host (Female)]

Did you get scared? You don't know who you could trust?

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know who I could trust. I don't know about VPNs. And if someone logs into my. I mean, look, man, you tell me someone can't log into my FaceTime with my.

[Host (Female)]

My therapist and.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And download it and then put it online and then monetize it.

[Host (Female)]

So have them come to your house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, so now. Now it's in person.

[Host (Female)]

Okay, good.

[Bert Kreischer]

The value of it being in person is insane.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's a couple stairs, me and Leanne. But when I kept this journal, as I started writing in it, I went, what if someone finds this? And then I was like. And then I. What I did is I just changed my handwriting to so bad that no one else will ever be able to understand it except for me.

[Host (Female)]

I love that. And so if they find it so

[Bert Kreischer]

if they find it, they're not. It's gonna be in gibberish. And my name's not on it anywhere. And my goals are in it. But my goals are all. My goals are all very. They're very emotional goals. They're like, take Georgia on a trip by herself. Take Isla on a trip by herself. Run a 5K under 30 minutes. They're all like, very personal. Nothing's financial anymore. Nothing is career wise. Nothing is. I feel like I've not. I'm not that I have accomplished all my goals in my career. I still have tons of goals, but they're not. My things are all personal. And then the last one, I do 50. Whatever year I am, I do that many goals for the year. And on my 53rd goal. Goal, my very last goal, that's always the best one because you're done.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't have to fill out 53 goals anymore. And you sit and you think. And I was like, yo, jump out of bed and journal. Just get the out of bed and journal.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I've been doing that and, and yeah. And it's been, it's been really helpful, I think. I think mentally I'm in a better place because I journal.

[Host (Female)]

Yes. I can get stuff out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Like therapeutic.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watched. I watched something. I'm be vague, but I watched something this morning online that kind of like, upset me because I. I don't know. I don't know. It just upset me. And then I realized I'm going to be doing the same thing in like two weeks. And I was like, oh, hold on. So it bothered me emotionally that it wasn't me then. I know that it's going to be me, but now it's bothering me in a different way. And I was like, all right, hold on, let's not spin out about this. Let's just journal about this.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And.

[Host (Female)]

And find out what it is that's triggering you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I love that you said that all of your goals are not monetary. And I, I think that's such a huge thing to kind of zero in on because once you do accomplish it, you're focus like you accomplish where you. You've always wanted to accomplish in life. Like, we've. We all had dreams. Right. And we've all made it to where we're all financially comfortable. Praise Jesus. Like, thank you for, you know, helping us get here. And it's crazy how that switches and it's like there. No amount of money can buy you happiness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

And like, you really want to fulfill, like personal things. Like you want to take your little, your girls on trips by themselves. I think that is so cute for a dad to want to do with their daughters, you know. Do you find that it's really hard to like create a space of time for them because you've been so busy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I, you know, I have massive regret, obviously, and I think, but I think, I think I over regret. I think when, when Leanne looks at it, she goes, you're doing the best you could. But my thing was I had to create, I had to create a career out of nothing, you know?

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not to say that, but like when I started getting famous, podcasts were at their infancy and, and, and a lot of people were really big on podcasts but weren't popping. And a lot of people, like the taste makers were still around, like Comedy Central and all them. And then Netflix had kind of shown up. But, and so like, in a weird way, I was in this, this kind of like middle ground, this gray area where it's like I wasn't accepted by Comedy Central and HBO and all those, and Showtime, although I had a special Showtime, but like I wasn't accepted by all the studios or networks or all that. And I wasn't really at Netflix yet because it wasn't a huge thing yet.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And podcasting was happening, but it would sell, you know, it was selling all of us the same amount of tickets where I decided I had to create it for myself. I, I, I love this story. Only because it, money is important. Tommy and I were doing the same festivals right around this time that I was telling you 2016, it's called the Oddball Festival now. I always wanted to be a darling of these festivals. I never was. Amster, Aspen, Montreal, Sasquatch or whatever, all the festivals. Moon Tower. Never got invited to any of the festivals. And only not being invited. You know how that feels.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just like, oh, I know we

[Host (Female)]

didn't get invited to a ton of stuff until recently.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you get the invites and then you get invited to all of

[Host (Female)]

them and then you don't, and then you don't want to go at that point.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so I was, I got invited one time in Oddball and it did feel like a weird invite. I remember feeling like it was like a sympathy invite, like you can host, which I thought I was better than, but I was like, cool, I'll take it because I want to be, be a part of the festival thing.

[Host (Female)]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, it's. It's $2,500 a weekend. And. Which wasn't great money, but I'd done, I've done. Stand up for less. You got to pay for your travel in your hotel. And I was like, okay, I'm going to be out of pocket, but, you know, at least I'll be in the conversation of these things.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, in the circle.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, you'll do. You'll do three weekends. And so I was like, okay, all right, you know, what if I save my money, right, And I fly on miles and, you know, I can afford that. And I had money. I worked Travel Channel, although I'd been let go. And then at the last minute, they go, you know what? Nevermind. And I went, wait, what? Like, it wasn't even like a conversation. They just fired me. And I went, oh, God. And it caught me off guard. And I called Tom and I said I was getting ready to get on the treadmill and I was sitting in my man cave and I was at my desk and I was like, like, I was like, dude, I guess I'm not doing oddball. He was like, wait, what? I was like, yeah, they canceled my dates. He goes, no, they're doing that for some people. And I went, oh, for real? He goes, yeah, you got to get them to give you the money, though. I was like, what do you mean? He was like, they. They're. They'll pay out the money. And I was like, well, that's. That's not a crazy ton of money. And he's like, are you kidding? He's like, wait, what are you getting paid? I said, 25. And he goes, oh, nice. Yeah. And I said, no, no, 2500. And he goes, wait, why? What? Per show went no, for the weekend. And he went, oh. And I went, wait, what are you getting paid? And he was like, what? I'm afraid to tell you. And I said, why? And he goes, well, I don't know if it's going to fuck up our friendship. I go, wait, what are you getting paid? And he was like, I don't know. I don't know. Can we just drop it? And I went, hold on, what are you getting paid? And he was like, you promise this isn't going to fuck up our friendship? And I was like, yeah, because there is a jealousy that could happen. And I sat with my hands on my knees and I said, will this affect how I feel about Tom? And I went. In my head, I went, I want Tom to be successful. I do think if Tom's successful. It'll help my career. I do believe that. I think the high tide raises all boats.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, yeah, I'm good. In my head, I went, if he's getting 10,000 a weekend, I'm fine. I'm totally good with that. I go, you know what? 15,000 a weekend. I'm good.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he goes, 25,000. And I went, a weekend. That's not bad. And he goes, a show. And I went, what the hell? I was like, you're getting $25,000 a show? I was like, holy shit. I mean, it floored me. I was like, this is where you are, Bert. This is where you're standing today. This is. It's like blood work.

[Host (Female)]

It was like a slice of humble pie.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. And I was like, wow. Wow. And he's like, yeah. And if I do this, I'm be able to buy a house. And I want. Went, no, no, no. I want you to buy a house. I want you to be happy. And I was like, okay. But I realized where I was at that moment, and I went, okay, no one's going to help me. No one gives a fuck about me. No one cares if I. If I piss and moan in the back of the store. No one cares. No one gives a shit. I have to give a shit first.

[Host (Female)]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I went out and I started. I started thinking, no idea is a bad idea. First thing I did was I did promo videos. Started doing promo videos. They didn't all pop, but I posted them. It didn't matter if 10. If it added 10 ticket sales, it mattered. I started doing posters for every weekend. Those started making a dent. I started coming up with my own ideas, and I would not listen to anybody. I would listen to, like, four people, probably. Joe, Tom, Leanne, and that really was it.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I created my career. I remember I had to deal at NBC, and they wanted me to focus on this sitcom about me being a beer guy who sells beer and parties at all the bars and then goes home to his family hammered. And I was like, that's a dumb idea. That's not a great dad. And I remember Tom and I were doing the weight loss challenge with Joe, and NBC called up, and they're like, yo, we need your notes on the script. And Leanne in total Leanne move goes, oh, you lost him. They're like, what? She goes, oh, he's done. He's. He's not gonna do this TV show.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they were like, what? She's like, he's Fat shaming his best friend. He's having a ton of fun doing that. And it's. And it's affecting, like, it's getting traction for him. And, you know, everything was that I was doing for myself was garnering traction, and I started, like, really getting curious about the business, and. And it was like. And it was. It was life changing. But that moment, I had to create for myself. And in doing that, I missed a lot of shit with the girls. You know, I missed. I remember at one point, the girls were like, can you not do Instagram stories? And I was like, what?

[Host (Female)]

I went through that with Bailey, too. We had.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

And I think every parent that's in the limelight kind of has to go through that with their kids.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. You know what they used to do? I'd go. I'd be like, yo, what's up, everybody, San Francisco? And they go, dad beats mom. And I'd be like, what are you doing?

[Host (Female)]

I think I remember that E era.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, I do think I remember that era. But, I mean, at least now, one, you've provided a life for them, and I know that that doesn't. That doesn't suffice. Memories and being and spending time with them. But now you've created a life to where you can hang out with them and, like, you can connect with them, especially now that they're adults, too. They turn so much cooler when they get to be, like, 17, 18. The teenage years were a nightmare, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh,

[Host (Female)]

I can't even. I don't even. I don't even think we should delve into that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leanne. Leanne was like, you're acting like a scorned boyfriend. Because I was. I remember saying to Leanne, I was like, what's going on with Georgia? She's like, she's just growing up. And I was like, she's got her own things. And I was like, so I just got to pretend I'm not. Not that into her. She was like. She's like, no, that's not it.

[Host (Female)]

That's not it. She's like, no, no, don't do that. So everything that you've accomplished, like, you know, selling out stadiums, Netflix shows movies about your life. Like, what does Bert want to do in this next chapter of his life?

[Bert Kreischer]

So funny. I was. I was. I was. I was talking about this on the ride over.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So there's not. There's no clear roadmap for the world that comedy's in right now. Comedy's in a really unique place where usually back in the day, if you were 53, you didn't tell us anyone. You're 53 and your career was kind of okay. Usually maybe you could get a role in like Cocoon or something, you know what I mean?

[Host (Female)]

But that's, you know, that's like as an extra.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Golden Girls were in their 50s.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So like there was no real roadmap for where we're headed and. Absolutely. And I say this like I was saying it, sometimes I say wild shit. Just shelve whether or not it's accurate, understand the emotion in it. But there was no real. When I was coming up, there was no real 53 year old comic doing state, doing arenas. There was 53 year old comics weren't big. It wasn't the hot thing.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It was 26 year olds and 30 year olds and like maybe, I mean look man, the Sandlers and them, they were making movies. But you know, it was the young people. And now it's like, dude, the greatest ever done it is Chappelle. He's 53, I'm 53, Burr's 56, Rogan's 56, you know, Tommy's 49, 48. You know, all of us are like grown men and we're all still building and still doing and opportunities are still coming to us.

[Host (Female)]

And I feel like we're a different breed than. What is it called, Ageism. I feel like ageism has gotten so much better in this era, like as it was compared to back then because like you said, the Golden Girls were in their 50s. I'm not going to look like that in five years when I'm 50. That.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Host (Female)]

You know, but I just feel like we're all like kind of finding like, like our second prime. Cuz I know I didn't get to really have a prime. I was so strung out on pills and alcohol and cocaine that I, I couldn't enjoy my 20s and 30s, you know, but like going into my 40s and my 50s, like I'm ready to turn up and I feel like you guys are all the same way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel, I feel like I haven't, I feel like I just scratched the surface and I feel like I have also. We, we showed up with the, the industry changed entirely. Yeah, entirely. I mean, I mean, you know, you look at like late night talk shows are. I love the, the goats, you know, but like these are going to get more views. This is going to get more views.

[Host (Female)]

Absolutely.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's more valuable for me to call Gillis and go, yo man, can I do your podcast than to Reach out to an. To a publicist to go, hey, can you please set up to do the Today show? And then I'll probably do the Today show.

[Host (Female)]

You're limited on what you can say on those things.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you can't really be a full. Like, you know it. So I don't know what I want. Meaning, like, someone was like, isn't your goal really to. This has been the big talk to help younger comedians. And I go, yeah, but I can. I can do that. But they. They got to help themselves. It's not theirs. You know, like, the. Joe helped us, but he just introduced. He just put us on a show and he gave us great advice. But he wasn't, like, overbearing, wearing, like, you have to do this. He knew you had to want it. You had to want to be undeniable.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. And so I remember Joe from Fear Factor. I grew up in Vegas, and Joe used to gamble all the time there. I had a girlfriend who dated him. So I remember Joe when he had hair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I do, too. I do too.

[Host (Female)]

Like, a lot of people don't remember that. Joe.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember the last few days of Joe's hair.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, I do.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's crazy.

[Host (Female)]

And when the wind blows the hair, the.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think, you know, I know I have a special due at Netflix in 2026. That's the material I'm working on now. I've enjoyed working on this. Look, when I started doing. I mean, think this is how crazy things have changed. When I started doing specials for Netflix, Maybe there were 50 specials a year released. Yeah, maybe I would get. I would guess there were probably 700 to a thousand specials.

[Host (Female)]

Everything has gone released last year. Ye.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, it's YouTube, everyone. And by the way, a lot of really great specials out there. Yeah, a lot of really great specials. And then you also have the great ones, and then you have really great ones, and then you have really bad ones. And so, like, now I look at a special and go, does any. Does the world need another special? You know, I'll do this one, but I'm not. I'm not going to. I'll tell you what, I'm not going to be banging down Netflix door going, give me a special. If they want one, I will absolutely do them. But maybe I take three years to do it, four years to do it. Maybe. You know, I really love acting. I didn't think I was gonna like it as much as I did. I really love acting and I love developing. I love making my own projects. I've always Loved podcasting. But I feel like, you know, we were talking today. I feel like, you know, this is a really fun conversation for me, but I'm certain I've said things twice that I've said before, and yeah, you're like, I would love to have all original thoughts. And then the other part of me was like, you know, I woke up today in the Airbnb and I was like, I don't need much for a house. I was like, do I? Maybe I just travel more with Leanne. Like, we really loved living in a condo in Atlanta when we were doing the show.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I was like, maybe. I just. Maybe the goal is life isn't guaranteed. And so maybe I just go and travel and just have fun.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, like when we went to Paris, I mean, what. Why am I not going to Paris once a month? Month.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, it's. We fell in love with Rome. I loved Rome. I know that's not Paris, but Italy. Like, oh, my God, we fell in love with Rome. We had so much fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

We took the girls to Rome and that was a hysterical trip. I remember I missed. That's when they call me. That's where I got the name Baby Walrus. I guess when I get excited, I do this thing where I go, and. And that's where they. They had. They had ice cold watermelon.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they got me. I was sleeping. I was sleeping and they were like, hey, wake up. You're in Rome. You're only in Rome with us once, dad. Get up and meet us at the restaurant down the block. So I walked out of the restaurant. I walked out of the hotel. The hotel across street was where Kurt Cobain had overdosed this little big fan. I had this moment of clarity and I sit down and the guy goes, is this him? And they go, yeah. And he puts out ice cold watermelon and a aperol spritz. And I just went, ah. And they go, oh, look at Baby Walrus. And from that day, I mean, our chat threads. Baby Walrus.

[Host (Female)]

I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

When I get excited.

[Host (Female)]

I love that song.

[Bert Kreischer]

But yeah, I don't know. You know what? Goal wise. Goal wise. I don't want to write a book. I did not enjoy that process.

[Host (Female)]

It's a rough process.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would do a self help book, like with all my fucked up brain stuff like number. Number one thing in a self help book. Give yourself a nick.

[Host (Female)]

The Burt Bible.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but I know, I don't know. I don't know.

[Host (Female)]

I love that. I love that you don't have A game plan. It's like that. I think let's normalize people not having a game plan. You know, everybody always has to have something so structured, and it's like, for once in your life, you're actually. I feel like you've never had a game plan, and that you've kind of, like, always succeeded by not having a game plan.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think, you know, it's also. It's like, you know, Tiger woods, when he was a kid, he wrote all his goals on the thing based on Jack Nicholas's goals.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And so he had. That was his road map. And I think a lot of us were like, yo, Dane got a. A Comedy center presents. We need a comedy center presents. Oh, D's doing arenas. We got to do arenas. Dan's doing theaters. We got to do theaters. Dane was our roadmap for so long, and then Joe was our roadmap. Oh, we got to get a podcast. We got to get big numbers on pod. We got to get big guests on podcasts. And then all of a sudden, these road maps just start. Started getting more and more faint. It's like when you walk, you ever. Have you ever gotten lost in the woods? It's really a surreal experience because at one point, you are very certain you're on a path, and then at one point, and then it gets dark, and you're like, am I off the path? And it's a terrifying, terrifying feeling to get lost in the woods and it

[Host (Female)]

get dark with no compass and no

[Bert Kreischer]

service and no anything and no flashbacks

[Host (Female)]

of a horror movie.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's also wildly exhilarating if you. If you know that, look, I'm not going to die out here tonight. I know the car's over there. I know everyone's partying over there. I know I'm lost, but we're getting through this, and so I think that's where I am. I feel like it's. I feel like the sun's setting and I'm in the woods, and I know where I'm headed, but it is getting a little thick.

[Host (Female)]

I love that analogy, though. It's so perfect for you. Bert, thank you so much for coming here today.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love you to death.

[Host (Female)]

I do like you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like there's a beautiful bond that our families share.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think they're weirdly interchangeable of, like, Jelly and Leanne and me and you are all our little eccentricities. And Jelly and me and you and Leanne.

[Host (Female)]

I mean, I love it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I think it's. It's really awesome.

[Host (Female)]

So they should Bring back the show, wife swap, and we go on it. That'd be a. Can you imagine Leanne putting my husband in check? That would be hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would, I'll. I would, I would pay money and just me and you would just be watching. Live rings came.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. Literally, just like, we're like the golden retrievers and they're the pit bulls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God, I can't imagine.

[Host (Female)]

Could you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I remember the best, the best moment. Like, take it out if you want, but this is like we, we're doing the 5K and the, the one in Tampa. And Jelly flies in overnight into Tampa. And Lance goes to sleep and he's got to run at like 12:30 or like 1:30. And the whole crew shows up, the whole crew, the band managers, everyone shows up.

[Host (Female)]

My husband rolls with a friggin entourage.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're like, like, Jelly's asleep. And they're like, cool. And they're like. Now I'd watched Leanne do this thing, she just get. She's a bulldog. Jason Kelce had walked up. She goes, jason, I'm a person. You need anything, you tell me. And Jason Kelce is not really aware he's a pro, pro athlete. So he goes, I can go for pancakes. And she was like, huh? And he's like, pancakes. He goes, okay. And so Leanne sourced pancakes at Tampa Bay Stadium for Jason Kelce. No one who's getting paid. Pancakes. They brought a chef in to make pancakes for Jason Kelsey, within 30 minutes.

[Host (Female)]

Wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

So we're sitting around, it's. It's one o'. Clock, we're all on stage, everyone's there. All that's gonna happen is, ladies and gentlemen, Jelly's about to roll in. It's our final heat. We all run and the party starts. That's when the party really gets going. And some of the band members are like, he's sleeping. And they're like. I was like, okay, well so have someone wake him up. And they're like, nah.

[Host (Female)]

They're like, we want to keep our jobs.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And I go, what do you mean? They're like, I'm. I'm not waking them up. And then they look at each other. I'm not waking them up. And I'm. Wake them up. I want to play tomorrow. And I was like, what do you mean you want to play tomorrow? Like, I'm. No one's waking them up. So we go to the tour manager, I go, hey, can you wake up Jelly? He goes, no. And they go, they go. And then they say, very candidly, they Go, I. I don't think he's gonna run. And we're like, what do you mean? They're like, well, he's sleeping. And I go, no, but he flew here to run it. We should wake him up. And they're like, do you want to wake him up? And I was like, well, not after all these things. Like, what happens when you wake him up? Is it bad? And they're like, trust me, you don't want to wake him up. And then Leanne just goes, what are we talking about? And they go, jelly's asleep in the hotel. And she goes, what hotel? And they go, one more night. She goes, I'll go wake him up. And I was like, if there's ever been a person to wake him up. And then she goes, look it, get me a car. I'm gonna go wake him up right now. I don't give a fuck. And then all of a sudden, someone goes, he's up. He's up. He's on his way over. I was like, man, we dodged the perfect storm of I would love that video. Jelly, get the fuck up. Yeah, get the fuck up, Jelly, get the fuck up.

[Host (Female)]

I would. I would pay Leanne to do that one day. And you know what? Leanne's probably the only person who could get away with it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, I, I swear to God, when. And I was like, I know I'm not sending her to her death, but I'm sending her to a battle. But I go, she's gonna come out with a couple scars. He'll have a coup, and we'll run this 5K.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah, no, for sure. I would have paid to have seen that. Anytime, dude. Y. So definitely, we need to, like, make a wife swap. I think that would be so funny.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would. And we'll just live stream. There's the entire world.

[Host (Female)]

Live stream it on Twitch. Let's do it. Oh, my God, I'm so down.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know what? They'd probably fucking out. They'd probably turn into this perfect power couple where they just.

[Host (Female)]

And just start dominating everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's like, hey, you clean the kitchen, don't clean the kitchen. And he's like, oh, I can do dad rigs anywhere.

[Host (Female)]

Listen, if you. She could get my husband to clean the kitchen, I'll marry Leanne.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay?

[Host (Female)]

How about that, Bert? You're. I'll be Mrs. Steal your girl. All right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's great.

[Host (Female)]

Thank you so much for coming. I love you. I can't wait to do your podcast later. And I can't wait.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't Wait, do you know Leanne Morgan?

[Host (Female)]

I have interviewed her.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Host (Female)]

Yes. We talked about menopause. It was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I can't wait.

[Host (Female)]

She's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

She is.

[Host (Female)]

So have you ever met her?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Oh, I've known. I've known Leanne. I've known lan for a long time. Not. I mean, but just like, I've known her for a while.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah. No, Love her to death. Can't wait. Can't wait to sit down with you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome.

[Host (Female)]

Always come and visit me next time. Bring Leanne. Let's hang out.

[Bert Kreischer]

She'll be my TV show. Free Bird is streaming on Netflix January 22nd.

[Host (Female)]

That's my birthday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it really?

[Host (Female)]

It is my birthday.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh. And so check it out. It is a fictionalized version of my real life and this moment in my life where I had this huge transition that we've talked about a little bit of, where everything kind of went to. And we were at a school where I didn't fit in, and I felt like all the dads were cool and had money and I didn't, and I tried to fit in, and I kind of it up, and then I found my own way, and. And it's all about that. And I. And I'll simply say, by now, you'll probably have seen the trailer, and so I hope you liked it. But if you're hearing this Today, remember the 22nd stream. Stream it, and if you like it, word of mouth is, like, the greatest thing. Just tell people. Tell people you like it. You know, share it on social media.

[Host (Female)]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And. And enjoy it. I. I think it's. I think it's bizarre, but I think it's really good.

[Host (Female)]

Yay. I can't wait. I'm so excited.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it's. It's good, I think. Yeah. I think people like it.

[Host (Female)]

I love it. Love you, Bert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Love you, too.

[Host (Female)]

Thank you guys for tuning in to

[Bunny]

another episode of Dumb Blonde.

[Host (Female)]

I'll see you guys next week.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye.