662: Ari Shaffir

Summary

Duncan Trussell Family Hour Episode 662: Ari Shaffir Release Date: January 18, 2025

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1. Rogues and Their Filtration Process

The episode kicks off with Duncan Trussell and Ari Shaffir discussing the complexities of sourcing quality rogues. Ari humorously highlights the challenges in distinguishing genuine products from fakes:

Ari Shaffir [00:09]: "They put it through some kind of filtration process and there's still the same amount of nicotine in apparently, which is weird."

Duncan expresses his preference for organically sourced rogues, emphasizing support for local producers:

Duncan Trussell [00:56]: "I use organically sourced, reused rogue. So these come from a trucker in Tennessee."

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2. Family Rules and Social Norms

A significant portion of the conversation delves into the unspoken and often absurd familial rules that govern behavior within households. Ari shares a personal story about his cousin being ostracized for mistakenly violating his grandmother Softa's mysterious "don't look under the pot" rule:

Ari Shaffir [01:40]: "Any given house has got some stupid hierarchy, some stupid family rules... you just can't tell the difference."

Duncan reflects on the complexity and rigidity of these inherited rules:

Duncan Trussell [02:30]: "My cousin that was ousted for the whole family... he looked under the pot."

The dialogue underscores how such arbitrary rules can lead to prolonged family tensions and confusion:

Ari Shaffir [05:01]: "So, what are you doing? So if your cousin went to Softa and said, listen, I just didn't. I had no idea."

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3. Airport Security and TSA Experiences

Transitioning from family dynamics, the hosts explore the frustrations and absurdities of modern airport security. Ari criticizes the invasive nature of TSA protocols, likening the experience to an Orwellian surveillance state:

Ari Shaffir [09:38]: "You've gotta get all your shit scanned, retinal scans so that you have access to..."

Duncan shares his disdain for the physical discomfort and indignity experienced during TSA checks:

Duncan Trussell [18:18]: "It's mildly discomforting when they touch your dick. So I'm like, I just want to let this out of my mind as fast as possible."

The conversation highlights the dehumanizing aspects of airport security measures and the psychological toll they take on travelers.

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4. The Dunning-Kruger Effect and Social Behavior

Ari and Duncan delve into the psychological phenomenon known as the Dunning-Kruger effect, discussing how it manifests in everyday interactions and broader societal behaviors. Ari posits that many individuals inadvertently perpetuate misinformation by uncritically repeating phrases they associate with intelligence:

Ari Shaffir [55:56]: "The Dunning Kruger effect, it's like, the dumbest person in the room thinks they're the smartest person in the room..."

Duncan agrees, sharing personal anecdotes that illustrate the disconnect between perceived and actual knowledge:

Duncan Trussell [54:53]: "He went to fight in the UFC. I was like, no. He didn't."

This segment emphasizes the challenges in combating misinformation and the importance of critical thinking.

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5. Authenticity vs. Corporate Franchises in Coffee Shops

The hosts critique the homogenization of coffee shops through corporate franchises like Blank Street, arguing that authenticity is often sacrificed for profitability. Ari laments the loss of genuine, unique coffee experiences:

Ari Shaffir [31:16]: "People just wander in. They won't know it's some shitty franchise."

Duncan supports this view, suggesting that true competition lies in offering more authentic alternatives:

Duncan Trussell [31:38]: "Never go to a blank street to everybody. Okay, Service announcement. Next time you see a blank street, loot it."

They discuss how franchises mask subpar product quality with the illusion of indie charm, ultimately diluting the coffee culture.

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6. Vengeance and Enforcement of Social Norms

Ari and Duncan explore the concept of vengeance as a response to social norm violations. They debate the effectiveness and ethical implications of taking punitive actions against those who breach unspoken rules:

Ari Shaffir [44:11]: "If someone is doing something like that... you just can't do that as an embarrassing flailing against their powerlessness."

Duncan shares a personal encounter where ineffective enforcement led to escalation:

Duncan Trussell [51:03]: "She chose violence. Verbal violence. And that. Her tactics didn't work."

The discussion underscores the futility and potential harm in relying on revenge as a means of social regulation.

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7. Public Behavior and Antisocial Conduct

The conversation shifts to public spaces, where Ari criticizes individuals who disrupt communal harmony through loud and oblivious behavior, such as playing media without headphones in cafes:

Ari Shaffir [26:23]: "They're doing some kind of stupid dumb war they're waging against their species."

Duncan adds that such actions contribute to a pervasive sense of societal decay:

Duncan Trussell [27:50]: "Makes you actually want to do that more now, dude."

They argue that these behaviors reflect deeper issues of empathy and communal responsibility.

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8. Political Disillusionment and Activism

Ari expresses frustration with current political activism strategies, particularly those rooted in condescension and ostracization. He criticizes the inefficacy of such tactics in fostering genuine societal change:

Ari Shaffir [68:44]: "You have to start looking at your own too."

Duncan reflects on the cyclical nature of political frustration and the challenge of breaking free from established conflict paradigms:

Duncan Trussell [70:34]: "It's kind of like, oh, that'd be nice, bro."

Their dialogue highlights the complexities of political engagement and the often counterproductive nature of hostile activism.

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9. Closing Remarks and Reflections

As the episode nears its end, Duncan and Ari share lighthearted banter about upcoming events and personal projects. They wrap up by reiterating the importance of introspection and meaningful social interactions amidst the chaos of modern life.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Ari Shaffir [09:38]: "You've gotta get all your shit scanned, retinal scans so that you have access to..."
• Duncan Trussell [18:18]: "It's mildly discomforting when they touch your dick."
• Ari Shaffir [55:56]: "The Dunning Kruger effect, it's like, the dumbest person in the room thinks they're the smartest person in the room..."
• Ari Shaffir [31:16]: "People just wander in. They won't know it's some shitty franchise."

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Concluding Insights

Episode 662 offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and sharp social commentary. Duncan Trussell and Ari Shaffir adeptly navigate through topics that resonate with listeners facing similar frustrations in family dynamics, societal norms, and contemporary politics. The episode encourages introspection and critical thinking, all while maintaining the characteristic wit and candidness that listeners have come to expect from the Duncan Trussell Family Hour.

Transcript

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, I don't like to use this.

[Ari Shaffir]

I cannot afford the actual rogues. But they have these. Which people?

[Duncan Trussell]

Fake rogues.

[Ari Shaffir]

They're not fake. They've just already been in a man's mouth. Oh, it's hard to find the ones that women have used. It's more men, but. Yeah, you can't tell the difference. They put it through some kind of filtration process and there's still the same amount of nicotine in apparently, which is weird. I figured it would all go away, but now you think it would. And I use organically sourced, reused rogue. So these come from a trucker in Tennessee. His name is Carson Daly. Not the host, but that just has to be his name. And he. Yeah, like, you know, I'm supporting a tractor.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can I touch the tap? Just the tap? Just the tap, please.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just this?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

What? Why'd you want to touch it?

[Duncan Trussell]

Why'd you stop me?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, I mean, it's weird. Why would you touch another man's. The top of another man's robe?

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't know why he made it so difficult.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's a lot of culture behind these things. You can't just jump into it. It's like the NFT world, man. This is deep. Never do that. Trust me. Don't do that. This is. I'm sure you've had this happen to you, but. And it used to really disturb me now. It just seems funny, but do you remember as a child, you go to a friend's house and there's an assumption their parents have that you are aware of whatever the fucking weird familial rules are at the house.

[Duncan Trussell]

Amelio.

[Ari Shaffir]

Familial.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know what I mean? So any given house has got some stupid hierarchy, some stupid family rules, some idiot fucking thing that they'd adhered to for some pathetic, like, two or three generations, and they think that's incredible. But the main thing is there's an assumption they have that everyone is aware of the Perkiter families, you know, whatever the fuck they do before a meal. Yeah, you don't know what it is. You don't know and. But you don't do it.

[Duncan Trussell]

So you fucked up, you messed things.

[Ari Shaffir]

Up, but no one told. There's no you. Give me the sheet. Give me the rule sheet when I come in, and I will try, but they don't do that. And so then you get that experience of a kind of formal family's disdain for you, you know what I mean? And you don't even know what the fuck you did?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

That to me is one of the funniest things. There's a lot of people out there who have rules about the way one is to behave around them, but they never expressed that out loud.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. What do you got?

[Ari Shaffir]

You have to learn it. Yeah, via rejection. You've had that experience.

[Duncan Trussell]

My. I had a cousin that was ousted for the whole family.

[Ari Shaffir]

For what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Well, Duncan, he crossed the line. He went to visit my grandmother and keep her company. Wasn't even his grandmother. It was his in law grandmother he married in.

[Ari Shaffir]

And that was wrong? No, no, that part's good.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Over there, constantly keeping her company. Keeping her company. She was cooking. She's. She's the p. Matriarch.

[Ari Shaffir]

What was her name?

[Duncan Trussell]

Softer.

[Ari Shaffir]

Softer?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's what we called her. Fanny.

[Ari Shaffir]

Fanny, but.

[Duncan Trussell]

But softer. It means grandmother. And he was like, oh, what are you cooking? He looked in there. It's like, oh, wow. What the fuck? Did you look under the pot?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh no. He looked under the pot.

[Duncan Trussell]

That guy's a piece of shit.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did he really look under the pot?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Who. Who was the. Who witnessed this?

[Duncan Trussell]

I guess my grandmother did.

[Ari Shaffir]

And so we're just going to go off what she says.

[Duncan Trussell]

We're gonna believe her.

[Ari Shaffir]

So he looked under the pot.

[Duncan Trussell]

I mean, she could have just made something up from scratch just to get rid of him. But why would she? He's out there visiting her every day.

[Ari Shaffir]

So how is this brought up? I mean, it was just her. Oh wow, that's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

No one's there, just her.

[Ari Shaffir]

So what does she do? Like call someone or. She was like, get out of here.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I'll be ready tonight. And then just like told everybody.

[Ari Shaffir]

So did she get on the phone and say, you won't believe what he did.

[Duncan Trussell]

This lunatic crazy. He looked under the pot and you're making a mitz.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh my God, Softa. No, this can't be real. Are you sure he looked. Are you sure? I'm not crazy? Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

She never went crazy. She passed, but she never went crazy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Someone looks under my pot, I fucking know it. He's out.

[Duncan Trussell]

He's out. We'll just be weird around him for the next 25 years.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay, so this event happens. This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. I'm assuming he was not aware. Couldn't have been that you never look under the pot.

[Duncan Trussell]

When I heard about it, I was.

[Ari Shaffir]

Like, you didn't even know that.

[Duncan Trussell]

I probably looked under her pot. Thank God she wasn't around when I did. I was like, what's Cooking? What's cooking? Oh, cool. Those meatballs.

[Ari Shaffir]

So who in the family was aware of the don't look under softest pot rule?

[Duncan Trussell]

I guess everyone in the older generation. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

So what did you.

[Duncan Trussell]

He wasn't like, I've never heard of this. He was. I have heard of it.

[Ari Shaffir]

What did he say about it, though?

[Duncan Trussell]

I guess they're mad about. He. He wouldn't have been mad about it, but I guess he'd be aware that you shouldn't have done it.

[Ari Shaffir]

So. Okay, if your cousin went to Softa and said, listen, I just didn't. I had no idea.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't think they ever told him. I think they just did that passive aggressive thing where it's just like, we're just gonna be weird around you.

[Ari Shaffir]

And so all of a sudden things are weird for him. And like, if I. If I'm at someone's house, like, I could easily probably come up with like two or three things. I'm like, okay, I know what I bet if they're gonna dump my shoes off. Dump.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. And it was too smelly or like, yeah, anything.

[Ari Shaffir]

I stepped on their dog. Whatever the fuck it is, you know, you can come up with a thing, but that one I'm never gonna think. I looked under her pot. Now, let me ask you this. I'm sorry, this is your Softa.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you sure she meant cooking pot? Because it.

[Duncan Trussell]

You think under her dress. He looked under her dress.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sounds like it.

[Duncan Trussell]

That would be the right reaction for that.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's too subtle a reaction for that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that's too subtle.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. It wouldn't have been that because it's like, I should actually be more mad.

[Ari Shaffir]

Softer. Let's see what's cooking under here.

[Duncan Trussell]

I pretty.

[Ari Shaffir]

Are you looking at my butt, dude? So that's exactly. I'm talking about that. And for that to work, it doesn't just require like, soft dough with like some like, rule that probably if we keep going back generations, her reaction, they would look at her as like, enlightened. You know, like, if you go way back, an ancestor could be like, well, didn't you cut his hands off? No. What? You're weak. You cut the hands off of those who look into the pot. You know what I mean?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Passive aggressive. That's not going to die.

[Ari Shaffir]

That one. Didn't they know. I don't. That that's a sin. A mortal sin. So. But for that rule to work.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Your dad and everyone in the family has to play this pot game. That's how the rules carry on is like, the game would immediately end if everyone in the family's like, we don't do that. So what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, like, if you have a gay brother or something, and somebody's like, I can't believe. I'm like, oh, what? Shut up.

[Ari Shaffir]

So what?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, we. It's fine.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's the funniest shit about it is inevitably, like, if you follow it, there's always some older person enforcing these rules, forcing the madness.

[Duncan Trussell]

And they always tell you the rule in moments of you wronged it. They don't tell you the rules. Like, hey, by the way, just so you know, nice to meet you. If you're ever in my house, don't. Don't look in pots.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or your dad could have someone who was like, thank you for taking care of this member of our family could have easily, like, listen, I know some of this shit is going to be crazy. But with softer, don't look under her pot. Don't. Don't raise an eyebrow as you walk out of the bathroom. Don't touch your underarms past seven. These are the rules of softness.

[Duncan Trussell]

You would have to know not only what she does, but what someone else might not be aware of.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Cause it wouldn't be like, oh, don't punch her in the face.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You'd be like, I wouldn't even bring that up.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's like five generations ahead where you have to tell people that. You have to be like, please don't. Okay, here are the rules. Don't punch my grandmother in the face. Don't shove your thumb in her ass.

[Duncan Trussell]

But you wouldn't even know what to tell somebody. You'd be like, hey, did you not wash our hands out of the bathroom? And if they're from, like, some dingy country, they're like, what do you mean?

[Ari Shaffir]

Right. No, Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

They'd be like, you have to like, oh, I've never heard of that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it's crazy.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you wouldn't think to tell them that.

[Ari Shaffir]

You gotta wonder how many things right now in our society that we think or like, you must be this way or just soft as pot. How many fucking things we're doing are just a contagion?

[Duncan Trussell]

Seven.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay, let's go through soft as pot. It sounds like a Jordan Peterson book.

[Duncan Trussell]

In Eastern Europe, you don't smile at people.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay.

[Duncan Trussell]

Number one, they think it's shifty.

[Ari Shaffir]

Don't smile. I think you're getting people in trouble. I think, how shy. I've heard if you smile at someone, they'll they will chase you down.

[Duncan Trussell]

They'll be like, what are you doing, dude? You're going to draw attention.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Don't smile. See, that's the. So I. So I know, like, if you sort of study Putin, he exemplifies that. Like, he, He. He's like fresh out of the dentist office, frozen fucking face. No matter what he's talking about. And. Okay, I've heard that. Okay, there's one.

[Duncan Trussell]

Isn'T there? Like, when you go to the Middle east, like, you don't. It's like, no touching shoes or something like that in front of somebody.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or, like, there's definitely a lot of, like, intense shoe rules. Like, in other words, like, throwing your shoe at someone. Like that dude who threw his shoe at Bush.

[Duncan Trussell]

Huh?

[Ari Shaffir]

That is like the ultimate insult to throw your shoe at someone that's an.

[Duncan Trussell]

Opposite one because he thought it would have more of an effect. And Bush was like, what?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because in my country, I'm massively insulted. You. And goes, oh, that's cool.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Like, I don't care. I don't care at all.

[Duncan Trussell]

Like, what.

[Ari Shaffir]

What the.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're not gonna try to kill my family for this? Like, for what?

[Ari Shaffir]

For what you missed. It's annoying. It's like what my toddler does every day. Who cares? You know? Yeah. So there. There's those. There's. I know there's, like.

[Duncan Trussell]

Was badgering TSA one time and they were like, swabbing me down when I was, like, opting out, getting real mad, and shot me down. I was like, isn't this insulting what you're doing in your country? Touching my shoes like that? Isn't that, like, the meaning for you?

[Ari Shaffir]

You said that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, I was just being a cunt.

[Ari Shaffir]

But you're so mean at tsa.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I've still. I've calmed. That was a long time ago.

[Ari Shaffir]

You. But you went through a period of like, it's the Marquis de Sade coming through the fucking. You had. You hated it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I had to readjust from never doing it to, like. It's just a fact of it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have a few friends who got. Who still get super steamed at the tsa. It triggers their anti authority, the part of them that they don't generally have control over, and it just comes out. And you see, the TSA agents, they've been through it so many times. Nothing phases them anymore. They don't care.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's us versus them at that point.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, they don't give a shit.

[Duncan Trussell]

You just see every single person going through, going like that and like, Scanners. I'm like, this seems. Sure seems like a fucking modern like Germany. It is, you know, like. Oh, like a tyrant.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's 100% what it is. Yeah, it's. It is so insane. And you. But I think about it all the time when I go through it. Because like, if you think about it like an airport is really like an Orwellian shopping mall. It's a shopping mall. You've gotta get all your shit scanned, retinal scans so that you have access to generally a pretty degraded experience compared to what flying used to be. Right. So. And that's a hacky prim. Everyone knows that. But like, remember that south park where someone invents a new form of transportation? Can you pull that up, man? It's south park, new form of transportation instead of flying. It's one of the funniest south parks of all time. Check this out. I don't know how much of this we can play. I think if I. If I chant over it, we're allowed to maybe find the video. Oh, there it is. A new way to travel right there. Oh, remember this?

[Duncan Trussell]

I remember it. I remember it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Everyone's so excited. At incredibly fast speeds and not having to go to the stupid fart face. Airports. That sounds incredible, Mr. Garrison. It is incredible, Mr. Hat. And what makes it possible is its patented gyroscope design. This is so fun. Gentlemen, I give you it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Nice, sleek.

[Ari Shaffir]

It gets over 300 miles to the gallon and is safely capable of. See if you can skip forward to someone riding it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, riding. It's coming soon.

[Ari Shaffir]

There we go. Now the final flexi grip is directly in front of the driver so that small switches can be operated with the mouth as such. Put the board together and we're ready to go. And it ruins the airlines because everyone would rather do that or get fucked.

[Duncan Trussell]

Up the ass and have to blow a machine. Then this guy's like, I need my fucking back of my hands. Sometimes I tell them too. I'm like, it's fine, just do it. I get it. It's like my vasectomy sometimes goes off.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, why? It has metal in it?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's like a little peanut. So in the scanners.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, they see a little.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's something in there. And I'm like, it's. It's.

[Ari Shaffir]

What do you think it could be? Like, what technology do I have?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, it's like my dick. But they'll. I just do it. I'm like, I have to say the whole thing. I'm like, come on, I want to get out of here.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do it. Yeah, just, just. Oh, yeah. They have to say, you're like, I don't care.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

I surrendered to the fucking demiurge. I've given up. I know that Satan is a lord of the earth. You're just an orc and you're gonna fucking molest me in some way. And I'm gonna take it because I need to get somewhere. And that you've lodged. It's the classic in all fairy tales. It's the archetype. Wherever there's a bridge.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

A troll emerges. And so this is the modern bridge troll. It found a place where, like, you have no choice.

[Duncan Trussell]

You got no choice.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, you gotta go fucking through. And so it's like in the bridge, troll has evolved. It's incredible, the evolution of the situation.

[Duncan Trussell]

Well dressed. They wear uniforms. Troll uniforms.

[Ari Shaffir]

God help you if you forget that you have water in your backpack. You might as well look under softest pot. They're like, did you have. Do you have water in your backpack?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's a dumb rules. It's those rules. And you're like, ah, actually I want to keep the bottle, so I'll pour it out. And they go, no, no, you got to go through it. I was like, oh, okay, can you just put it in? Like, no, you have to leave security line again.

[Ari Shaffir]

You must punishment.

[Duncan Trussell]

Why? No, you have to. You have to go with your smart water bottle.

[Ari Shaffir]

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[Duncan Trussell]

Fine. Throw it out. I'll just spend $6 on a water.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get you.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's. And it's like, it's mildly discomforting when they touch your dick. So I'm like, I just want to let this out of my mind as fast as possible. Let's not extend this. Yeah, it's kind of girl. It's like, a little too pressure on my penis. It's not fun.

[Ari Shaffir]

Whatever. And I hope you didn't. But if you learned any kind of, like, survival skills as a child, when someone's touching your dick to move away from or just to go to sleep. Disassociate.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You apply that to the tsa. And then, like, when you get through. Like, when you get through and they search your fucking bag and you're sitting there, you know nothing's in your bag. And you're watching the diligence with which they're searching your bag. But once my bag got picked, and they're like, do you have a dagger in your bag? And I remembered, yes. Oh, but that I had a. I had a beautiful knife. This fighting dagger is incredible. It was.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's an ancient fighting.

[Ari Shaffir]

This is a guy who was, like, into martial arts, and he gave me this fighting dagger that, like, flip. You could flip it out really fast.

[Duncan Trussell]

I do have that.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's four fight. It's like. And I'm like, remembering. Oh, yeah. And then you're like, what do you say, like, you see, my friend is a respected martial artist. And he felt like. He said every bee should have a stinger. And you know it's true. Like, I don't think anything's wrong with having this, though. I doubt I would survive a knife fight because I've heard the best rule for a knife fight is like, run away.

[Duncan Trussell]

Run. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Don't lose. But anyway, this was a dear friend who gave it to me. I'm wondering, could I move on through with my fighting dagger? Cause I am not.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm gonna put it on a shelf when I get home. I think it'll look great. You can see that dream.

[Ari Shaffir]

No intent to use this knife. During my travels in the airport, though it might seem like that. No, they're taking your fucking dagger. And they were. They're like. I'm pretty sure that gets you on the random search list.

[Duncan Trussell]

You should be like, hey. So I wasn't gonna use this for anything. Can you just put it like underneath the plane or something? Give it to me on the way back. Cause I'm allowed to have it in the front of the airport.

[Ari Shaffir]

You gotta go out and you gotta pack. You gotta. You can put it in your bags. I'm so sorry. This is rule, rude rule. You gotta go, but you gotta do the loop. So if you fuck up, if you want to get your water to wherever you're going, do the loop. Put it in your bag, you bitch. If you want to get your fighting.

[Duncan Trussell]

Dagger, it's like a Candyland game. You gotta do the loop now, like. Well, the rule is, if you have a water, do the loop. If you have a shoe, that shoe's allowed to go. Two shoes. You do the loop.

[Ari Shaffir]

That dude. And so you. Okay, so then. Cause we spend a lot of time traveling, so you do use your comedian brain to deconstruct the airport. And I do that. So it's not just that to get through into the garbage shopping mall. Because every. Even the best airports are like the worst shopping mall. You're going to find a Spanx. You're going to find like. Like what? God, this airport spa. Do you do those?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I've seen them. I will do the massage chair, but not the spa. The spa's crazy. You're getting massaged at the airport.

[Ari Shaffir]

Spa is the.

[Duncan Trussell]

No way.

[Ari Shaffir]

Craziest shit I've ever seen.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're going to get. Take clothes off at the airport. Dude, let him touch your feet.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude. I.

[Duncan Trussell]

You've done it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have no.

[Duncan Trussell]

I will never do. Be.

[Ari Shaffir]

Relax. And that's the name of the spa. It's even. It's like. It's like someone. It's. It's be, Relax. Duh. It's be, Relax. And you see these fucking people hunched over the shitty. Publicly getting massaged in an airport with the sounds of an airport, which always suck. Like, the next time you're in airport, just listen to the sounds of an airport. It's like, fine. Get canceled. Get out of the way. Like, that's the sounds of an airport. You're getting massaged. That shit. The fact that, like, how does that relax you?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Born again. Born again. 17. I'm like, I'm at 34. Why am I hearing this one?

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, it's. That is one of the interesting subsections.

[Duncan Trussell]

They crank those announcements like commercials.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, they love doing them. They love it. That's their show. Yeah, that's their hell show. And boy, they love it when they're like. If you are seated in rows, we gotta get 40 bags or we can't take off.

[Duncan Trussell]

Here's a fun one. You're in. You're. You're in group two. Okay. And you're like. Or let's say you're in group. Yeah, let's say group two. It could work for group three. Or two. And you're like, okay, I got to get on there. But everyone. Group one, they already sat the fucking faker, you know, Faker tards. Yeah, they sat all the old people, all the military.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And now you're like, we're running out of top space for sure. And you know they're going to be like, we're going to check this. You're going to have to wait in line where you. I know. You got to go straight to your show. You're not able to that if you don't get it up there. So, like, all right, I'm waiting. Group one. Group one. You wait. And group one goes first. First class, then group one. You wait and wait. And it was like, you don't want to bunch the line. And they go, okay. Now boarding, group two. Now group three. Group two. Group three. Group four. Don't do it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait. You didn't get in there fast enough. You didn't leave space for the medallion. Group two is medallions. That's something you revealed about yourself. You're a Medallion member. You're.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, that's group one.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, yeah, I'm Delta.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you want to be able to. What are you Move them?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You can't have.

[Ari Shaffir]

You don't want to do that. You know, someone in Front of you. And like, they're there. That's not their group.

[Duncan Trussell]

They create a wall around the end of the line so you can't access the end of the line.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know what they call them? What they call those airport lice. So the lice is so the. So, yeah. So what happens is mass psychosis happens in a contagion. Happens because some neurotic dude on speed jumps up immediately when they're saying, like, we will board in 30 minutes. But he's in there. He's not even in the first group, but he needs to stand. Then other people see him standing and then that gets the competitive frothing thing going. I am actually in group one and I know that dude is not. So I'm gonna go ahead and move up here. So I. And then a cluster of fucking. And I'll tell you a new thing I've encountered on the airline. I don't know, I'm dishing on airlines, taking no prisoners. I want to know if you've noticed this or not. The morning yappers. Have you noticed this?

[Duncan Trussell]

No. What do you mean?

[Ari Shaffir]

It's happened. 4. It used to be in the morning, the early, early flights. People, it's quiet, people would sleep. But the last four flights, inevitably it's women or a woman and a man, or a man and a man, but women, but a mix of people. They. You could be on a two and a half hour flight and from before it takes off to when it lands, they're not just talking loud, they're like talking and they like, one of you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Gotta get over this. So they raised their voice.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, yeah. And then I saw him, I told him, you better get your colonoscopy. But he didn't listen. And they found so many polyps. It was like. It was like a garden of polyps down there. I saw the pictures and I just couldn't believe it. Oh, my God. God. Did they remove the polyps? Well, what? The scissors that he was using to cut the polyps got stuck in one of the meaty polyps. And then there were these tiny little elf scissors stuck in a polyp. So now he's got to go in to get the scissors removed.

[Duncan Trussell]

This is the only defense for that you're talking. The only defense is like, that's it. That's all you could do is like, you can't.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you can give them a scornful look.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

But that, you know, that's like. That's like giving a vampire a glass of blood. They love it because, you know, they they're getting off on people turning around.

[Duncan Trussell]

You think so?

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or you think they're just totally in their own world? I think one solipsistic to the point where they're like, I don't know, what are they telling about? Okay, this is something behind me.

[Ari Shaffir]

Here's a superstition I have and I think it makes me veer towards cynicism.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

I always think if someone is doing something like that or just, you know, in a cafe watching a movie with no headphones, I feel like at some level they are acutely aware that what they're doing sucks. And they persist in doing it as an embarrassing flailing against their powerlessness and inevitable demise. It's sort of a.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like they're doing it on purpose or just innately.

[Ari Shaffir]

They're doing it on purpose because they. Because it's like, it's. It's, you know, it's some kind of stupid dumb war they're waging against their species. And it's a kind of like asymmetrical warfare, which is like, I'm just going to fucking listen. I'm going to. I'm going to watch the View. I'm going to watch the View in Starbucks on my iPad, loud as it can fucking go.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's a pretty good social experiment. It's like antisocial, but not so aggressively that no one can say anything just to walk the line. It's pretty fun, actually. Makes you actually want to do that more now, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, you see, in between your great grandmother's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, just grandmother.

[Ari Shaffir]

Your grandmother's crazy ass pot rule. And like, he was showing our interest and like actual. Let me see, Laws that we need.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's an entire universe of things that there are no laws for and that society as a whole has to police farting in an elevator with aggressive looks. And that's all we do now is aggressive looks.

[Duncan Trussell]

There's an art piece about slightly antisocial behavior. And so they have somebody go to work in an office and they don't work there, but they're a new hire. I think they get a job for the art piece and then they just don't work or they, they have it done with a boss and they just sit at their desk and just kind of stare.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's cool.

[Duncan Trussell]

Stay out the window. And then people are like, hey, do you need to help with anything? They're like, no, no, just get my thoughts together. They just keep doing. And it makes everyone so upset.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Because they're like, why? Why Isn't she like doing. But like, I don't even know where her job is. But like, it's just like. That's not right. Standing the wrong way in the elevator.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dude, that is insidious. That's culture jamming. That's fucking cool. That's real. You know, I've thought about this before when that. And someone must have done this by now, but you know, minimum wage, it sucks. It's insane. What is minimum wage?

[Duncan Trussell]

It's gone way up since we were 7.

[Ari Shaffir]

What's the average minimum wage? Let's look that up.

[Duncan Trussell]

Of all the states, average minimum wage.

[Ari Shaffir]

725.

[Duncan Trussell]

So low.

[Ari Shaffir]

So in Texas, same as a federal.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're getting 725 per hour.

[Duncan Trussell]

So that same since 2009. That's 16 years.

[Ari Shaffir]

So what does that come out per month?

[Duncan Trussell]

Hold on, I know this. Oh, I remember. I don't know. It's like. It's like seven grand a year.

[Ari Shaffir]

$1,218 a month. And then what's that after taxes and all that? Anyway, the point is 12, 18.

[Duncan Trussell]

So it's a. It's about. It's $8,000 a year they'll make after taxes. What?

[Ari Shaffir]

No, that's the average income.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, you know, you'll make after tax. You'll make about eight or nine thousand dollars a year. They'll tax you less, but that's. That's about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

So this to me is a. Like, right now, the thinking when it comes to, like opening up a Starbucks, you know, franchise is the thinking is, well, you know, I'm gonna open up. I have the money to invest in McDonald's. I don't know how it works when you get a franchise, but this is one of the reasons why, like, huge swaths of our country have just turned into some kind of horror show of just weird franchises everywhere. Sprawl is what they call it. It's just awful stuff. Little fishing on the waters of capitalism. You throw your fucking franchise out. It's a fucking donut shop. It's guaranteed to make X amount of money. Minimum wages this month. That's how you invest.

[Duncan Trussell]

So the assumption is that's Blank street coffee. They make it look like an independent coffee shop because the investors that went into it did the market research. Like, make it white walls, make it look like that. We'll use the shittiest bean, but they'll think it's good beans.

[Ari Shaffir]

People just wander in. They won't know it's some shitty franchise. They'll have no idea that blank street.

[Duncan Trussell]

Is all corporate beans, venture capitalists, whatever, and, and it's made to look like the something your neighbor runs.

[Ari Shaffir]

Bingo.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's so brilliant. That's so brilliant. And someone could compete with them by making theirs seem even more authentic, you know, and that's going to be probably a new thing. Is like increasingly authentic coffee shops until.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. How's the coffee? It is the worst in America.

[Ari Shaffir]

Horrible.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. The lowest level.

[Ari Shaffir]

Horrible.

[Duncan Trussell]

Never go to a blank street to everybody. Okay, Service announcement. Next time you see a blank street, loot it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm going. Oh, sounds perfect. I don't care. I'll take the placebo effect. Yeah, okay. Remember in L. A?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

That pretentious ass coffee shop opens up Intelligentsia.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, yeah. Do you remember what a good name? Nick Youssef was all over it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh yeah. Oh, you go to intelligentsia, work on your screenplay and you the, the baristas there, they, they, they dressed like they should be like pirates or. You know what I mean? There were such deep hipsters or blacksmiths. Pirate blacksmiths. And like, and you remember that fucking like crazy leather aprons and handlebar must mustaches and dude, they could look at.

[Duncan Trussell]

A man and then the compliments would be like, nice pull. Thanks. They wouldn't just say good coffee.

[Ari Shaffir]

The pull. I remember hearing someone say nice pull, dude.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's all they're saying is I know the code words exactly.

[Ari Shaffir]

Because if you didn't know that shit, they would recognize you as a fucking. Just an apostate. Like, well, go to Starbucks. What are you doing here? Go to fucking Dunkin Donuts, bitch. Why are you pretending you have the taste buds that could even experience.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're the lingo, asshole.

[Ari Shaffir]

And you'd get the coffee and feel completely insecure. But when you consider how easy it would be to build a coffee shop and just make people for minimum wage, dress like blacksmiths and rename the coffee like stupid fucking names. It's just Folgers.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. Oh, you could fool everybody.

[Ari Shaffir]

No one would know. No one would know. People would be like, oh my God, this place is incredible. Thank God.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who would tell? Like if you've been there more than once, you know the cat burglar for sex thing?

[Ari Shaffir]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

So cat burglar, you know what that is?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Of course.

[Duncan Trussell]

If they break in and they're caught, they don't want violence. They don't want like whatever they'll get told on. They're caught, right? You're hoping just to get in and out. If you, if you wake up, like, what are you doing here? My only defense at this point is to have sex with your butt against your will. And if I can do that, you're not going to the cops.

[Ari Shaffir]

You should never become a cat burglar. Yeah, like that is.

[Duncan Trussell]

You won't go to the cops. You'll be too embarrassed.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's how I'm. I will go to the cops, friend.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh really?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, go ahead. Fuck my ass.

[Duncan Trussell]

You didn't tell them. You'd love it.

[Ari Shaffir]

By the way. Make my day. Sure, I do love it. I love it when I give.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's the problem now. Now as homosexuality becomes so increasingly like accepted, that tactic might not work. I realize now that's a 25 year old reference I'm giving you. Yeah, that's from my like phone days at the comedy stores when I heard that. So it might not apply anymore.

[Ari Shaffir]

Easily defeated.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, easily.

[Ari Shaffir]

Go ahead. Can I suck your. Can I. Do you care if I suck your dick first?

[Duncan Trussell]

Put down the TV and come get blown.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's literally, it's a, it's for sure a genre of porn. I've seen that porn where it's like someone happens to like rob the house of these two, like just fucking hot horny women who are like, you want to rob our house and you're gonna suck our feet and suck our pussies?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh no.

[Ari Shaffir]

And he's like, no, please call the cops.

[Duncan Trussell]

Suck that feet.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Anyway, dude, so you have people, one of those types of. I know, good coffee. Turns out you've been eating, you've been drinking Folgers for the last three months. Three times a week.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You saying to all your friends, it was good, good.

[Ari Shaffir]

You said good pull.

[Duncan Trussell]

You said good pull.

[Ari Shaffir]

You said good pull to somebody who just got fired from stocking shelves at Target. And we were like, I don't care. Do you know how to make Folgers? Just fucking make Folgers.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who are you going to report it to? You're that guy who want nobody. You're going to be quiet.

[Ari Shaffir]

You're just going to bitch about it. Maybe you'll leave a like salty Reddit comment.

[Duncan Trussell]

You can't let it get out. If you get it out, you're exposed now.

[Ari Shaffir]

You got fooled.

[Duncan Trussell]

You actually have to murder anyone who might expose it.

[Ari Shaffir]

You are exposed forever. You will never be. You will walk into an actual intelligentsia and people will laugh.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, you can't let it out.

[Ari Shaffir]

So this is so that realm, the place where you can't really do laws for so many things. It is the assignment of the individual to not allow people to do these things. And you know what I mean? Because the more you let you tell.

[Duncan Trussell]

Somebody, you have to, well, this is break social code. Make a connection.

[Ari Shaffir]

So this is where you run into. This is where a fork appears in the road. So now on one side of the fork are seekers of vengeance. Now, these are the people who, when cut off in traffic, feel like it's their job to get revenge. Tailgate the dude, Cut them off, hurt them, even it out. So that's one branch. And these people, it's like, what do they call it? Quixotic. It's pushing the bull. It's like, maybe noble pursuit. Cause in their minds, they're like, if I do this, perhaps the person will stop the behavior.

[Duncan Trussell]

But they won't. They'll just extend it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right now it's shoveling shit against the tide.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. That's even if you shush some of the movies. Hoping, if I get shushed, I'm embarrassed. But a part of me is like, don't shush me. And so you're hoping they don't go, shut the fuck up, old man.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you're like, damn it, now I got to sit here uncomfortable for the rest of this movie because you're right behind me.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Now you might start throwing peanuts at me. Probably can't do shit.

[Ari Shaffir]

Helpless.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. I have to go full fight at a theater.

[Ari Shaffir]

At a theater.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, how embarrassing.

[Duncan Trussell]

In front of this kid I'm. I just abducted. I'm trying to entertain him for once, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

And like, usually. Or get his respect.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

And how are you going to get his respect if you get knocked out by some high school kid?

[Duncan Trussell]

Hey, that's a good idea. Side note. What is it?

[Ari Shaffir]

Side note.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sidebar.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sidebar. So I know you got kids, right?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, I do.

[Duncan Trussell]

You like to impress them. You want their respect.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Let's set it up, bro.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, the classic you shut me up.

[Duncan Trussell]

In a movie that was like, what are you gonna do about it? And I'll let you slap me in the face. Or if you want to go non violence, you can use one of your Buddhist mind tricks.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know I like that.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah. And then get me to be like, I'm really sorry. And I'm really sorry to you, son.

[Ari Shaffir]

I would rather do this. Yeah, we don't. Because now you're talking budget.

[Duncan Trussell]

I can cry.

[Ari Shaffir]

We gotta buy movie tickets.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I gotta get the kids into a fucking movie. There's not a lot of great kids. Here's what we do.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

You go to a cafe.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. Starbucks Folgers Cafe.

[Ari Shaffir]

One near our house.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

I will bring the kids in. We will act like we don't know each other. They don't know you yet.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

I will point to you. You can be writing or whatever, and I'll say, guys, you know, this is something I can do. And it's not great, but I just. You should know what powers your father has. And then I snap and you go down.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

So they think I can, like. And, like, then we could have someone else run up who's our friend and be like, I'm a doctor. Oh, my God, he's dead. He's dead. And then I can go, no, he's not. Doctor. You're back to life. And then I'm like, kids, we gotta go.

[Duncan Trussell]

You gotta tell this to Em. Either while you're driving, not when you walk in, when you're driving. Just. And then, like, you just know I'm gonna be there.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Just.

[Duncan Trussell]

No, it's kind of like, oh, that'd be nice, bro.

[Ari Shaffir]

If their behavior is.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know, that'd be nice. Oh, then, right. Don't make me do this for you a little bit.

[Ari Shaffir]

Just be like, guys, I would obviously never do this. You're my children. But this isn't the only thing I can do. But I'm going to just show you something I can do. And. Yeah, let's just go to this cafe. It only works on Jews.

[Duncan Trussell]

You got to set it up just natural. Oh, this is like, great. Just prank now. Oh, man. So that you got to set it up. Heads up. Like, I can do this to Jews. Yeah, it's a thing I can do whatever. Weeks before. Whatever. And then you see a day or two before, then the next day I'm at Starbucks, and it's like, I wish that guy would not be in that chair.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

So we could all sit down. I'll get a table, you know. And they're like, oh, it's okay. It's okay, Papa. Well, I'm sure your kids are Austrian. It's okay, Papa. We'll go to another one.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And you go, no, no, I wanted that one. And you're like, no, it's okay, Papa. They'll kind of have forgotten about the. And you're like, I'm gonna do the thing. And they go, what are you down? Like, papa, no.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, Papa, no.

[Duncan Trussell]

Doctor comes in rushed. However they react, what if they go, nice, we want that table. Don't bring them back, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or what if they start looking at everyone in the restaurant and snapping.

[Duncan Trussell]

They can't do it yet.

[Ari Shaffir]

They just want to kill them.

[Duncan Trussell]

You can't just be a wizard. You got to go to Hogwarts first.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, that is a level of, like primordial savagery in little boys. Like, we were walking on the beach, beautiful beach. And there's a. I don't know, a beautiful shore bird. I don't know what kind. I don't know birds. Beautiful, though.

[Duncan Trussell]

And birds are not real.

[Ari Shaffir]

The. I know. And the. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by my longest running supporters. My God, I love you, Squarespace. Thank you for putting applesauce in my baby's mouth and also for creating an incredible tool that I use to this day. It's amazing. Go check out Duncan trussell.com. i shouldn't have to say anything else. You'll see a beautiful website. It's got my stand updates, it's got my podcast, it's got my shop. And it was all created using Squarespace's powerful suite of high tech pre singularity tools. It's got an AI now. It's crazy. The world that we're entering into, my God, it's great. You know, when I think back to, like the days where I thought, you know, I guess I have to learn HTML to build a website, and you just realize, like, that's never going to happen. I can't do that. This is a nightmare. And then you're like, I want to find a web designer. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. Wake up screaming, covered in sweat, fear sweat, stinking from the dreams I still have of working with web designers back in the late 90s. My God, a lot of them, they couldn't even walk. They just slithered around. They didn't have legs. They were half serpent, half men. Long beards, full of lice. They ate raw onions. That's it. They would just inject amphetamines into their neck right in front of you, and then wouldn't listen when you told them what you wanted to build for a website. And then they would show you what they built and it would be horrible. And then they would ask for more money than you can imagine. A gold mine. Some people would have to pay them in gold mines. And they'd slither off in the mine and live in the gold. They didn't even like gold. They just liked shooting amphetamines up in the dark. We don't have to do that anymore, friends, thanks to Squarespace. Now you could do it all yourself. And it's quick, simple. And what I really love about it is it's as complex as you want it to be. You want to take a deep dive into web design technology. You can do that. You want to build a website in an hour or two, no problemo. You want a paywall for your dearest fans, you can do that with Squarespace. They've got everything you need to start an online shop. And of course, you can get all your socials popping up on your website, no problem. It's all there for you, waiting. Listen, don't take my word for it. Try it out for free. Go to squarespace.com dunkin'and. When you're ready to launch, which you will be, use offer code Duncan to get 10% off your first order of a website or a domain. Again, it's squarespace.com Duncan offer code Duncan to get 10% off. I salute you, my kids. He looks at the bird and I'm thinking, he's about to say, God, you know, the beauty of nature. And he's like. He goes, if I hit it with a rock, can we eat it? It's like the most beautiful bird. And he's hunting.

[Duncan Trussell]

How old is this kid?

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, at the time, he was probably four.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wow. Wow.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, and he was just thinking about eating, hunting. He was hungry. He was hungry, you know? But to get back to the earlier un. Cyborg bar. So when you realize that the world that we're living in, if you're one of those people who's decided to be. And I'm really interested in your thoughts on revenge, but it seems to me, if you're a person who is trying to take minor vengeances on people breaking social. Social norms or norms that you think they understand. I feel like your life is hell.

[Duncan Trussell]

Hellish. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's gotta be hellish.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're a hangman.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

That you don't just walk away clean from that.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, you're in. And I'm talking about this because.

[Duncan Trussell]

Guessing.

[Ari Shaffir]

The new Count of Monte Cristo. Gotta watch it. It's fucking great. I love the book. You know the book?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Great book.

[Duncan Trussell]

Revenge tale.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's the best revenge tale ever.

[Duncan Trussell]

You see the Heiress?

[Ari Shaffir]

No.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sidebar. It's a good one. Pocket White. Watch it with your chick.

[Ari Shaffir]

Check it out.

[Duncan Trussell]

Good old movie. It's like. It's like an hour and ten.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's my wife.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't call her that.

[Duncan Trussell]

I call her that. Hey, Duncan, thanks for bringing your chick. And she's like, can you please. I've known you for like a decade now, and I'm like, your chick's Talking.

[Ari Shaffir]

Listen, man, I want you.

[Duncan Trussell]

I go high chick.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay, Sidebar.

[Duncan Trussell]

Sidebar.

[Ari Shaffir]

I want to invite you to my toxic masculinity seminar.

[Duncan Trussell]

Ooh.

[Ari Shaffir]

I've been doing these in Costa Rica.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. Romania is a better spot for it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Romania, they have outlawed them.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, okay.

[Ari Shaffir]

They recognized what a threat they worked too well. They are to the patriarchy.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay?

[Ari Shaffir]

And, yeah, no, we. You know, when I went to one of these and I had no idea how much, I was just filled with toxic masculinity from top to bottom.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, it doesn't. I thought it was a seminar to get you toxically masculine. You're saying it's to teach you about it?

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, man, I know you're a comedian. I respect the craft and artist stand up comedy, and I know that every single thing you want to turn into funny, okay? But the truth of the matter is, like, if you had just been bitten by a rattlesnake, I don't think he'd be laughing. And I'm telling you, you have been bitten by the snake of the patriarchy, injected with generational trauma. And we extract it. We pull it out. And I have seen this happen so many fucking times. And I always cry when finally you break through the resistances that surround a man's pocket of toxic masculinity and you see it happen. I'm sure you've heard of what happens. Explosive orgasm. I have seen jizz rip through a man's underwear. And the jizz is always black or green or purple or some combination of these colors. It has giant sperm in it. It's like, not micro. You can see them like when you look at a cocoon pulsating in the mucusy brine. And then they fucking scatter, dude. That's in you right now. Does that seem funny, Ari? Is that something to laugh about? You have a pulsating pustule filled with toxic sperm that are exponentially larger than your regular sperm.

[Duncan Trussell]

Interesting. Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Why would you laugh?

[Duncan Trussell]

That's a deeper question. I was thinking about inter. What'd you call it? Intergenerational trauma.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

I asked my dad about that and he said he doesn't believe in it. Cause. But there's no proof of it anyway. Because he goes, all proof of that would have been lost during the Holocaust. So he doesn't believe in it.

[Ari Shaffir]

There is proof of it. Epigenetics used to be considered junk science. I'll send you an article. You could fucking one up your dad. You know what you should do the next time he's cooking? Go lift up the pot, put it down, and then show him this fucking article.

[Duncan Trussell]

Main bar.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

So the main sidebar.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay. Un, unfucking sidebar. What are your thoughts on vengeance?

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, listen, you want to take it? It's not going to do your tactics. I was here in Austin hanging out, and one of my friends from Los Angeles was around, and they're politically. I almost step back and watch everybody kind of guy. I don't fully care, you know? He's from Los Angeles, so he's a little more left. He's more bubbly than some. And he's not used to. This is also a bubble here, you know?

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

So he's seeing it all. And he's like, they're all this and this. And I'm like, first of all, I just. I just know. I get it from your side. I can see what both of you are saying about each other.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yes.

[Duncan Trussell]

You're talking about your fringes, not your main right. You know? And he goes, I just think people should leave trans people alone, live their lives. I'm like, 90% of the right agrees with you. They all say that, too.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

But he goes. He goes. He goes, they're all rednecks and. And idiots and, you know, like, dumb racist. And I'm like, they're not. I know them. Some of them professors. That's just not true. And he goes, but they're this. And it's like, do you think your tactics are working?

[Ari Shaffir]

Nah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Do you think you're angry? And he was like that. No, for sure not.

[Ari Shaffir]

Doesn't work.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm like, so, what are you doing? So one time I was at Carney's. I just got my first cell phone. I was a brick. And I was talking. I didn't know the right levels.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's like, you're here. So I was talking too loud.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And. And this lady. I was upsetting her meal. I just didn't know. My friend's like, ah. And then we're late. I just didn't know how much you had to, like.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sure.

[Duncan Trussell]

She's like, thanks for ruining my meal. She waited till way afterwards.

[Ari Shaffir]

Vengeance.

[Duncan Trussell]

And she didn't once go, hey, would you mind keeping it down? Which to which I would have. I know myself. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sure. Of course.

[Duncan Trussell]

But she chose violence. Verbal violence.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

And that. Her tactics didn't work. She goes, thanks for ruining my meal. I go, shut up, cunt. Like, it brought it right out of me. I didn't even think about it.

[Ari Shaffir]

What did she do?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh. And Walked away. But it's like your tactics were not working.

[Ari Shaffir]

It didn't work.

[Duncan Trussell]

It just made me fight.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, it's a little bit like she.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wanted to be right and she didn't want to correct the behavior.

[Ari Shaffir]

You got to. You know, when you have kids, we got dogs. They're little dogs but like you have to teach the kid. The kid doesn't know to poke the dog. Don't shove your face in the dog's face. Or don't like reach into the dog bowl while they're eating. They're sweet dogs, but if you do that, you're just going to. It's like I try to explain it to them. It's like a trap. You press the trigger on the trap, the trap springs and inside animals there's that trap. It'll spring. It's not that they hate you, it's just that they have tiny brains and this is what keeps them alive. So yeah, people like your friend, they have some kind of, I would call it a utopian vision of the world. They have an idea of how humanity could be. This is an American tradition. So many various utopias have been attempted here and most of them fail. But the utopian visions of the past, they usually have, they're a little more like logical, rational, get a farm, you know what I mean?

[Duncan Trussell]

You need some enforcement though. Someone's gonna break the social laws.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you can't. The change that the new utopian visionary seems to think, condescension, ostracization, humiliation and appeal to authority are actionable measures to take to create societal change in the world. And that is so dumb as a tactic. It's bad tactics that it makes me think that a lot of the people who are angrily, I wouldn't call it real violence, but angrily, ungracefully, sort of going through this loop of what they consider to be activism are afflicted with dun. And what's it called when you're the dumbest person in the room? Dunning Kruger. Dunning Kruger. That the people, of course, when you consider, you know, the Dunning Kruger effect, the dumbest person in the room thinks they're the smartest person in the room because they're so dumb they don't even know. They haven't gotten to the point of mid level intelligence where you can recognize like, oh, that person's smarter than me. I'm actually pretty dumb. They're so dumb, they just think that they're brilliant. And then those people.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm a fight with an Uber driver, a real estate broker. I was Telling her what the real estate, like, scene is like. And I'm like, what am I doing? She knows more than me, right? This Uber driver was like, are you going to the Comedy Mothership? Because I was going there and it was like, yeah. You ever been there? I'm like, no, I'm performing there. I go there all the time. It's like, is that the guy? The Joe Rogan guy? I'm like, yep. Yeah, that's a good friend of mine. And he goes, yeah, he used to. He does all these things. He used to be a ufc. I'm like, yeah, as a commentator. He goes, no, no, he used to, like, fight in the ufc. I'm like, no, no, he didn't. He goes, no, no, he did. I'm like, no, it's a friend of mine. He. He just definitely didn't. And he goes, he did. Right? Just too dumb to know. Like. Well, I guess if the guy knows him. Knows him, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

I guess what you. What I've started doing in those cases when I realize someone thinks something that's totally wrong and I know it's wrong.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Is I just go, yeah. Whoa, that's nuts. And. Because who fucking cares? And again, what is your job? To educate.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Dumb asses about things they're wrong about, Especially when they push back. You're just like, dude, yeah, that's not your job.

[Duncan Trussell]

Or. Yeah, I love when you're like, you know what it is? You like bicycle days. April 19th, right? Yes, you taught me that. And so. And so if somebody's like, bicycle day is like, March 19th. You're like, no, it's April 19th. And they're like, I'm pretty sure it's March 19th because they have in their head. Wrong, but it's in their head. And then they're like, no, it's April if it's a good friend of yours. And they're like, look it up. Like, oh, it is April. And like, no, I know. I wasn't, like, doubting myself. Yeah, but they always give you this, like, oh, look at that.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, wow.

[Duncan Trussell]

I know.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thanks, Snopes.

[Duncan Trussell]

So, okay, so that's the Dunning Kruger effect.

[Ari Shaffir]

So the Dunning Kruger effect, I would.

[Duncan Trussell]

Speculate, called Duncan Kruger effect.

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, I do suffer from Dunning Kruger quite a bit. That's why I think it's a quality that isn't the worst thing when you're podcasting. But I do feel like I have a general sense of, like, not just occasionally how dumb I am, but also how I'm getting dumber. So I do feel like if I had the Dunning Kruger effect, it's dissipating somewhat. But I think that equality of being dumb is you parrot, you repeat sayings that make you seem smart. You don't look into what you're saying at all. You just say it. Because other people who are considered smart say it. For example, that's a really good pull. A dumb person sees that and it's like, ooh, I'm gonna say that. Because people will think I'm smart, and they'll say, that's a really good pull. And they're like, whoa, dude. Okay, yeah, I'm in. He's like, I'm in. So the contagion. So if whenever you see huge swaths of people regurgitating exact sentences that align them with what is considered to be the advanced, sophisticated way of being in the world, it could be that a massive percentage of those people is suffering from Dunning Kruger.

[Duncan Trussell]

Listening to a dumber person.

[Ari Shaffir]

They're dumb people imitating who they. People they think are smart or representative of the culture they want to align with. And they haven't even thought about what they're saying. They haven't gone. They haven't looked into anything.

[Duncan Trussell]

Reminds me one time when Trump beat Hillary Clinton, or she was running, and they. Somebody was talking in New York and they were like, oh, she's the most overqualified candidate. And I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, she's overqualified. I'm like, can you be? Oh, not that much. She go, she's overqualified. I'm like, how can be overqualified to be President of the United States of America? And she like. They were like, she was a senator and she was a secretary of state. It's the. And I'm like, so was the guy who lost before, like, two ago, he was also a senator and a secretary of state. Like, who's more qualified? She equally qualified.

[Ari Shaffir]

There you go, you got him.

[Duncan Trussell]

And then they're like, you see them see it for the first time, the disconnect between what they think is smart from listening to a smart person versus like, oh, yeah, it doesn't make any sense.

[Ari Shaffir]

And that's the other problem is it's like, so if we're going to look at Dunning Kruger effect, there's going to be a spectrum of Dunning Kruger. So on one side of Dunning Kruger, you're gonna have people who are so dumb they think they're smart, but they're not even good at imitating the high level Dunning Kruger people. So that's the low end. Those are the people just on the fringe of being dumb again. But then as it goes up, that's where you get into like maximum Dunning Kruger. These are people who are so good at regurgitating data and behaviors and feigning confidence that they get elected. Dude. Oh, you know what I mean? Because if you look at a standard politician, all they're doing is regurgitating the same weird phrase exactly at the same time over and over again. They just say the same shit over and over.

[Duncan Trussell]

They don't read the bills, they get a breakdown. It's like, or else what do I say?

[Ari Shaffir]

I'll say that someone else tells them what to say. Which brings me as a sidebar. Can you look up alien telepathically controlling senator? Have you seen this shit?

[Duncan Trussell]

Nuh, nuh.

[Ari Shaffir]

Anyway, the point is, it's kind of terrifying to imagine when you analyze people in power, how many of them are actually thinking about anything that they're doing. And how many of them are just like robots that are repeating behaviors and catchphrases.

[Duncan Trussell]

Wait, let me hear it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, wait, you have to. Look, this pops up on Reddit conspiracy from time to time. Let's see. Person sitting behind senator controls what they say. It's really weird. I don't believe this is actually happening.

[Duncan Trussell]

But I mean, controls what the senator says.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, it's so great. I hope it pops up again. We're dealing like, this is. This is Reddit conspiracy. So like this could be on like, you know what, go to YouTube. You're going to have to dig deep. Or you're going to have to go.

[Duncan Trussell]

To X. Oh, you got to take tools off. Go bad for your brain searches.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, you gotta like, oh, X.

[Duncan Trussell]

They won't. Yeah, they don't.

[Ari Shaffir]

Alien controlling senator. Alien sitting behind senator.

[Duncan Trussell]

You do a search like that on, on Twitter.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, there you go, into the record, page 5055 from the committee's interview with FBI employees. Have some administrative matters first I wanted to introduce. Now I'm pretty sure what's happening there is that. That might. But look, she's saying what she said.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, she's saying what she says. I know what's happening there.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a. Is it a blind person?

[Duncan Trussell]

No, I know, it's, it's, it's her. She's too focused. She's an intern and she has read the thing a thousand times. And they all prepped her so much that she's like, Will Smith used to do this in Fresh Prince, he would say the. He would mouth out the other person's. The first season he mouthed out the other person's life.

[Ari Shaffir]

No, dude, she's right. Right? That's like a trusted advisor. Play it again. First, I wanted to introduce into the record page 5055 from the committee. Even the stammer with FBI employees have some administrative. But she said 55 wanted to introduce into the record when she says the wrong 5055 from the committee's interview.

[Duncan Trussell]

So when she starts the wrong one, she's like, nope, you fucked up the script again. That's where she turns her head. I guess the point of telepathy also.

[Ari Shaffir]

So, yeah, I guess the point here is like, theoretically, God, the eyes really sell it. The person who is the congresswoman should not need some kind of texu. Dune level mind shaper sitting behind her. And if you do have a mind shaper or whatever you call them, I'm sure there's a cool CIA name for them. Wouldn't you want them to sit off camera?

[Duncan Trussell]

Sit off camera.

[Ari Shaffir]

There's more examples of this. Keep scrolling down matters. First, I wanted to introduce him to the record. There was one with Biden. Oh, yeah, That's a really fucked up one.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can I see Guy's account Guy is here. Yeah. Check marked would become the ungovernable.

[Ari Shaffir]

The true test of liberty is the right to test it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Blue lives murder. Oh, this guy's full on.

[Ari Shaffir]

Do not be be deceived, man. Oh, this is these. This is probably a guy who like, goes into police stations with the camera, huh? And like, films them and then sues them.

[Duncan Trussell]

It's so funny when you actually look at their accounts once in a while I'm like, oh, you're not just like a jerk. You're like full on this. But I like the videos I get.

[Ari Shaffir]

Sent from people I like in between. Oh, like there's a new. There's a new.

[Duncan Trussell]

That one.

[Ari Shaffir]

This guy happened.

[Duncan Trussell]

And it happened in our own government. Congressional oversight, constitutional demand.

[Ari Shaffir]

What the.

[Duncan Trussell]

We dedicate our careers to it.

[Ari Shaffir]

I have at least.

[Duncan Trussell]

And during the course of.

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, that is real weird. You're on camera.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, my God, dude, look.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's one eye blink against Mike and Senators Johnson's ongoing. As our. Wow expressed that. It's either he's an alien or he's in McKay Hole information. He just did.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, this whole video is in someone's.

[Ari Shaffir]

K hole, but this whole dimension could be. Let's go back one and see. How are we doing on time, Josh? 56 minutes. Okay. Cool. We'll wrap it up in a second. I know you got to catch a flight.

[Duncan Trussell]

I realized I didn't text O'Neill to bring joints to Salt Lake.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, shoot.

[Duncan Trussell]

So that's why I had to do that. I was like, fuck, you're on your way to the airport right now to get it. Wait, wait. We never got back to unbar rebar.

[Ari Shaffir]

So.

[Duncan Trussell]

So the anger of enforcing laws with Dunning a Krueger effect.

[Ari Shaffir]

Oh, Dunning Krueger effect is a kind of a cyber. So basically, the idea is foreign. This episode of the DTFH has been supported by Better Help. It's 2025, my loves. And what do you want this year to be? Like, what kind of movie do you want to star in this year? You want to be in the Shining or a rom com? You want to be in some dark, existential, philosophical, nihilistic, boring ass, too long director's cut of a movie that no one ever saw? Or maybe you like to be in a happier film. The point is, you can actually decide which part you want to play. You can decide which movie you want to star in. And a great way to start figuring out how to do that is therapy. Okay? They give me cues. I have to ad lib on cues. Here's the truth. After I got ball cancer and my mom and dad died, I was a wreck. And like, the worst kind of wreck initially, because even though I knew I was, like, spun, I didn't understand just how much. I still live by the idea that if you sweep things under the rug, sometimes they go away. Or maybe you move out and no one looks under the rug, and then they have to deal with all the weird chicken bones and cat turds you pushed under there. But this doesn't work with the psyche. And of all the things that I have found great results in, from meditation to psychedelics, therapy is right up there with them. In fact, it goes together like peanut butter and jelly. It is not coming for better help to try psychedelics or meditation. That's from me. But therapy. Wow. It's incredible. And what's awesome about BetterHelp is that you can do it all entirely from home. And that is great because it's interesting. You know, like with the gym and therapy, you just try to find an excuse to not do it. And better help really removes a lot of those ways. You could trick yourself into not taking care of yourself. With better help, you access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. You can Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Write your movie with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com Duncan to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com Duncan thank you. Better help people like your friend.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay, who's my friend?

[Ari Shaffir]

The butthurt friend who came to Texas and thought it'd be LA and then got his butthurt. They're operating under this idea, which I think you could argue is noble.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think a certain way they want.

[Ari Shaffir]

The world to be better, but they haven't questioned whether or not their conceptualization of better is actually better. Which is still. Even if you're confused, at least you're trying to do some benevolent thing. I guess at some level they're still in it at a basic humanist impulse to help. But if you really wanted to help the world, you would think that prior to engaging in the activity, you would analyze strategy.

[Duncan Trussell]

What do I do here?

[Ari Shaffir]

What happens if the way I'm helping not only turns people off, makes them shut down around me, but also paradoxically ends up hurting, Hurting my cause, the people I was trying to help. Because now everyone's just pissed off and no one wants to hear my fucking sanctimony is bullshit anymore.

[Duncan Trussell]

Ever. So then it's like now, even when I have one or someone has one, they're less likely to hear that person, right? Who's doing it nicely. Like, you're on that side with that lunatic. You're like, I guess I am on the side of the lunatic, but I don't have the same tactics as them. You're going to lump me in.

[Ari Shaffir]

That's it. And I'll tell you, man, this is like, this is the where it's. I remember on the left, God help you if you issued an apology because they would fucking fall on you. That was it. Dude, that was like putting your fucking walking stick right in the hornet's nest. God help you if you apologize. They'd be like, they would just devour your ass, right? God help you if you had some view that they looked at as fascist right wing Nazi and actually analyzed it and said, you know what? I don't know if that was 100% right. Oh, you dumb fuck. Of course you didn't know his fucking right because your brain is made of fucking match but potatoes, you dumb shit. You ever read now on the right, they're doing the exact same thing. You've got people who are snapping out of whatever the fucking thing, the hypnosis, the years of Fucking state run propaganda. Who are like. Or feel comfortable.

[Duncan Trussell]

They go, the left just made promises and never did anything. And I'm like, how's that swamp still not drained, right? What are you talking about? They're all doing it, dude. They're all garbage. And you're acting like one side is not a liar. You have to start looking at your own too.

[Ari Shaffir]

Or. Yeah, or just when are these comics.

[Duncan Trussell]

Who all went conservative going to now go? Because they're like. They're challenging power. Because like, let's. Let's attack the left because that's the powerful one. So now the rights in power, how long they let them take their victory lap for a couple of months.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

How long till they go, let's attack the guy in charge, the guy who's making the laws. The right. If the law. If the rights in charge. Now they're the powerful ones now let's shift and fuck with them.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a real mess you get into in that situation.

[Duncan Trussell]

I'd love to see it. I'd like to see what happens.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's a. It's a. It's a bit of a mess. But also, I think, like, the good news about being a fool.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Is it's like, yeah, you're. I'm dumb. I was wrong. What do you know? I fall for this exact same trick. How long have I been alive? How many presidential elections have there been again? Every time I fall for it. And it's never occurred to me yet that focusing my entire brain on the state is the thing that keeps it going. I don't mean it in some manifestation way. I mean, literally the whole goddamn system depends on the majority of people paying attention to it.

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't vote. First it was apathy and then it was math.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, what? Ari, can you play?

[Duncan Trussell]

I don't vote. I don't vote. And people go, well, then what are you doing? You're not gonna help him. Like you're not also helping. You're voting in a state that's already decided. Even if it's a swing state, one vote mathematically ain't gonna change anything. And that one state, even if your vote came down to change, Pennsylvania wouldn't have changed anything from the last election. All right, well, so you do people like. Then how is not voting helping?

[Ari Shaffir]

You know, Hitler lost by one vote.

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, really? He lost? He won by one vote.

[Ari Shaffir]

I mean, won by one vote.

[Duncan Trussell]

I stayed home that day. Should have fucking. And even if you don't. So they. When you don't vote because you're like, These guys are all. Then you, eventually you get disillusioned with all of it and you form a new system. If you don't like the Oscars or Oscars so white or whatever, we'll just get a fucking new award show. They don't run it. They only run it because you want them to run it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, man. I mean, like, I think there's.

[Duncan Trussell]

My whole special job right now is ignore all that stuff.

[Ari Shaffir]

Say that again.

[Duncan Trussell]

My whole special is all about that. Ignore all that focus on positivity. Ignore all that. All this negative stuff you're focusing on. You're not going to help it now. You're just mind just swamped in this negative shit. That doesn't help. You're just feeling bad.

[Ari Shaffir]

Okay?

[Duncan Trussell]

But watching car wreck videos all day, dude.

[Ari Shaffir]

Ari. It gets even more intense than that. It gets even more intense than that. And take it to the next level, right, Ari? You're on the trail. You're getting. Getting there. You've been red pilled. I see that. You're waking up. You're part of the great awakening. But you have to understand, we have begun to understand. That is microtubules within the neurons of the human brain. A quantum vacuum that collapses from a superposition into whatever you happen to be focusing on. Meaning that groups of people and focused on the exact same phenomena crystallize and concretize. That Schrodinger's cat. Is it dead? Is it alive? It depends on what the news says. Says. If the news says the cat's alive, the cat's alive. The news says the cat's dead, it's dead. Don't you understand? All of mainstream legacy media is divided. The human attention span, which is the outflow source of the creative mind of God and directs it into catastrophe and horror so that they can feed on our loose energy.

[Duncan Trussell]

Can I tell you my new character?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

You know who Russell Simmons is?

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. It's Trussell Simmons. Y'all, man. That's pretty racist. But y'all, man, infinity is really in our minds.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, he sounds. Trussell Simmons sounds like a wonderful person and I would like to have him on my podcast. I like Trussell Simmons. He's great. I love that character.

[Duncan Trussell]

Okay. I just thought of it yesterday. Someone saying Russell Simmons.

[Ari Shaffir]

It's great.

[Duncan Trussell]

That's all it took. I can like, build on it for a while.

[Ari Shaffir]

I'm honored.

[Duncan Trussell]

You can take it too. You can do your Trussell Simmons.

[Ari Shaffir]

I don't need to do that.

[Duncan Trussell]

You got a fan base to lose, dude. Wait, so go ahead so all I'm.

[Ari Shaffir]

Saying is the problem is that we're getting funneled into certain reality tunnels by a priest class that wears suits and talks in a hypnotic, repetitive way that keeps.

[Duncan Trussell]

And we all mimic them and we in.

[Ari Shaffir]

And. And because, like, they tell us to.

[Duncan Trussell]

Fight and we fight.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, that's it.

[Duncan Trussell]

Way to handle it. Stop them. What did they say? Resist them at all turns. Fight them at everything they do.

[Ari Shaffir]

Who said that?

[Duncan Trussell]

I think, like, Alexandra Cortez Cartasio.

[Ari Shaffir]

Did she really say that?

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, right. Yeah, something like that. Something along those lines. And it's like, okay, but what if they're trying to, like, repave the streets in your neighborhood? Yeah. If they're doing some stuff that they do that you have to have some stuff they're doing that you like. Right. They're still funneling money to schools.

[Ari Shaffir]

I think the first step is you just have to find a way to pull the Demiurge's cock out of your mouth. Stop, like, fellating the zeitgeist, which isn't even real anymore. I mean, that's the whole fucking feeling of nausea in the culture right now is because of all these alternative forms of media. The spell is being broken or at least diffused. So now there's all these other reality tunnels springing up that people are getting channeled into, and it just dilutes all of them, and it forces you to recognize that realities we understand it is a lie told to us by the Anunnaki.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, yeah, but they really believe that. They say it's like the ones who bomb abortion clinic because that's a human life. You're killing a baby. It's like, oh, yeah, you should bomb it. Or the guy who went in Pizzagate with a gun. It's like you have hostage children. If what's in his head is true, he's doing the right thing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right.

[Duncan Trussell]

And if they think the current president or the about to be president is literally Hitler, then, yeah, you can't perform jokes at his rally.

[C]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. This new year, make sure you take some time to take care of yourself and your family. Stock up on your favorite personal care Items now through January 28th and earn four times the points to use towards discounts on groceries or fuel. Shop in store, online, or in the app for items like Pantene shampoo, Old Spice body Wash, Campers, Swaddlers diapers, Venus razors, and Crest Complete toothpaste. And earn four times points on your purchase offer ends January 28th. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Ari Shaffir]

Right?

[Duncan Trussell]

But he's like, well, no, it was a misunderstood jokes, like, you're trying to get Hitler back in office. So then I was like, oh, right. If you really think they're all literal, what you think is fascists instead of, like, figurative. And then they caught up to what. That is so sad. Yeah, you. You upped it to fascism. And then you're like, well, I know what fascism. It's like, you are Hitler. You are a Nazi. I'm a Nazi 20 times over. And so then it's like, oh, well, then, yeah, I guess you have to like, yeah, punch me.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah, but it's like, you're punching me over fucking Star Wars. It's like you fucking, like, Darth Vader. Bam. Darth Vader is evil. And so if you really want to see the reality of it, watch any of these people prior to the election. They're up there. This person is the devil incarnate. I saw his hands. They've got pentagrams on it. And then as soon as the election's over, look at, like, Obama and Trump laughing it up. Because that's who they really are.

[Duncan Trussell]

And they really only found out a few social issues. But they both want the same thing. For the United States of America to have dominance and to have plenty for their people. That's what they really want, both of them. So they're like, how do we get that? I'm pulling out of that corridor.

[Ari Shaffir]

Access to adrenochrome.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, that's the social stuff. I think it should be mandatory. I think we should steal it. No, we gotta take it. But you gotta make them agree to it.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, we can genetically engineer. We can synthesize it. We don't need to extract it like that anymore. Oh, listen to you. Oh, really? You want synthetic fucking adrenochrome? That shit gives me gas. Ari, thanks for coming on the show, man.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah, buddy.

[Ari Shaffir]

What show are you doing next?

[Duncan Trussell]

I'm leaving. I'm going to meet O'Neal for skiing.

[Ari Shaffir]

Nice.

[Duncan Trussell]

My new special's out. America's sweetheart.

[Ari Shaffir]

Hell yeah, you are that.

[Duncan Trussell]

I think you're in the credits.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yay. Why?

[Duncan Trussell]

It was just focusing on positivity.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you.

[Duncan Trussell]

Have these shirts available, but it's just all about that. So the credits. I just, like, listed a bunch of things that I should focus on that make me happy.

[Ari Shaffir]

Nice musicians.

[Duncan Trussell]

And I'm like, here's some comedians that are funny that you should know about.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thank you, Ari.

[Duncan Trussell]

Yeah.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, what a. You are America's sweetheart.

[Duncan Trussell]

But now if I'm like, oh, wait, was that the first draft? I bet. I hope I didn't take you out of that because the first one was like 600 long and I'm like, I. They. They'll just the way to shorten it. God, I hope you're in there now.

[Ari Shaffir]

Well, that's a good way to get your friend to watch your special all.

[Duncan Trussell]

The way to the end.

[Ari Shaffir]

All right, man. Thanks.

[Duncan Trussell]

On the road now, too. Farewell to.

[Ari Shaffir]

Wait, where are you going? Wait.

[Duncan Trussell]

All over the place. Atlanta. All over the place. Wherever you are. Ari shaffir.com Atlanta, Nashville, Portland, San Jose, San Antonio, Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, Atlanta, Denver, Tampa, Brea.

[Ari Shaffir]

And someone tell me about your podcast. What's the name of the show?

[Duncan Trussell]

Oh, you be trippin. Okay, guys, you beat Duncan's episode.

[Ari Shaffir]

Yeah. Watch that one. And if you want to do something hilarious that Ari thinks is funny, any sponsor that pops up on his show, use offer code Duncan 99% of the time. It'll work for me.

[Duncan Trussell]

That is true. It's an overlap. That's a good sabotage. You just sieve it like the fucking LA River. Sorry, Colorado shouldn't have been so thirsty.

[Ari Shaffir]

Thanks, Ari, buddy.

[Duncan Trussell]

I love you.

[Ari Shaffir]

Love you.

[C]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this new year, make sure you take some time to take care of yourself and your family. Stock up on your favorite personal care Items now through January 28th and earn four times the points to use towards discounts on groceries or fuel. Shop in store online or in the app for items like Pantene shampoo, Old Spice body Wash, Campers, Swaddlers, diapers, Venus razors and Crest Complete toothpaste. And earn four times points on your purchase offer ends January 28th. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.