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- [00:01]
Duncan Trussell
Welcome to you, my friend. You're listening to the dtfh. It is a joy. I wish you a happy Feast of Barnabas. We just finished doing our celebrations. Could not find a Barnabas chicken anywhere. We went to Whole Foods, we went to H E B, a couple of markets downtown, impossible to find. And I don't want to dive in the conspiracy rabbit hole, but people are saying that right now there is active suppression of the Festival of Barnabas. In that Barnabas chickens with their signature bright red beak and fluffy tails are being bought up by overseas conglomerates and incinerated. Which not only is offensive to those of us who follow the ways of Barnabas, but also just to life itself. My God. We don't incinerate Barnabas chickens. We dissolve them in a very powerful acid that instantaneously vaporizes them and they experience no pain. In fact, many say that the Barnabas chicken experiences a kind of transcendent ecstasy upon dissolution. That ecstasy being so powerful, in fact, that it reunites the Barnabas chicken with the Godhead, causing the Barnabas chicken to instantaneously discard all previous karmas that led it to birth as a Barnabas chicken. Now, I don't want to get into some deep philosophical debate here, but a lot of people say to be born as a Barnabas chicken means that you were a saint in your previous incarnation. And others say it's just dumb luck. You are a chicken. Chickens. According to just basic statistics, anyone who's been to any chicken aviary and watched reproductive patterns of chickens knows that from some time to time, you get a Barnabas chicken. Now, I would argue that natural selection, to me it seems like because there's such a high value on any Barnabas chicken, especially these days, just through breeding, we would have more Barnabas chickens. And yet, this is one of the great mysteries of the Barnabas chicken. You cannot breed a Barnabas chicken. Barnabas chickens are sterile, meaning they can't reproduce, which is fucking crazy. So how it happens? I don't know. It is. It they did something great in a past life, thus allowing them to be dissolved in the tears of Barnabas. Don't know. But I do know this. There is a war on the Feast of Barnabas right now. And it just seems to be part of a general sort of cultural arm wrestling match that's happening right now between two disparate paradigms. Normally, I don't get into this sort of thing, but I just think from an anthropological perspective of sort of, let's just look at what's going on. Put our Hands on the railroad track Feel the vibration Feel the train coming so that we can remove our bodies and the bodies of our lovers from the track. Because there's nothing like banging on a railroad track. Johnny Cash, one of my. His first songs. Now, as many of you probably know, Pete Hegseth is Donald Trump's pick for Defense secretary. And whenever you get chosen by the President to get one of these high level jobs, essentially be running the whole fucking military. Billions and billions of dollars. And we know that of all the branches of the US government, the one that is the most cost efficient and keeps track of spending is the military. They say the military has never lost a single dime. All that money accounted for. Sure, you're the military. You could like be in a rush when you're ordering bullets on Amazon and order like premium high price next day bullets. But the US Military, when they're ordering weapons from Bezos, from Amazon, they never use same day or even next day. They use the most. They time it out. So anyway, the point is they save money when they buy weapons. I'm just saying all this because it's a huge. It's essentially you're an accountant if you get this job. And so that's why they're gonna grill your ass to make sure that you are gonna stay on top of all of that money. Just so much money. Like more money than anyone has ever had access to in the history of the human race. And the temptation there, of course, if you were in any kind of position of power, especially what Hegseth could potentially be, what position Hegseth could be in. You know, one might think, my God, like once you realize that you could just move a couple of numbers around and not only your family, but generations of your family will eternally have wealth, land, principalities, and no one will notice. No one will give a shit. In fact, people kind of expect you to do it from a cynical perspective. So you got to grill these people. And Hegseth is on the smoker right now. And I want to play just a quick exchange that happened with Pete Hegseth consult with the President about what the. What's her name? Glenador. Oh, what's her name?
- [05:31]
Guest or Co-host
Elizabeth Warren.
- [05:32]
Duncan Trussell
I thought it was Glynador of the North Forest. Go ahead, let's play it. In other words, you're quite sure that every general who serves should not go directly into the defense industry for 10 years. You're not willing to make that same pledge? I'm not a general, Senator. You'll be the one. Let us just be clear in charge of the generals. So you're saying sauce for the goose, but certainly not sauce for the gander. I would want to see what the policy. Oh, I'll bet you would. Thank you. Oh, now, Glynador, she. By the way, and I'm not trying to muckrake here, did she get slightly owned at some semantic level? Yes. But again, not trying to be partisan here. Glenador has been accused of mishandling her elf servants and broke the pelvis of one, apparently. Did you hear that?
- [06:35]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, no.
- [06:36]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. The water gatherer apparently was late to a dinner party she was having, and she, according to many people who were there, catering. Of course, the people eating there aren't gonna say shit, but two of the caterers reported to Vulture that they saw her pick the poor little guy up and just smash him into these stones beneath her dining table and that no one helped that. He kind of, you know, weeping, pulled his way across the floor, left, like a blood trail. He is recovered.
- [07:11]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, that's good.
- [07:12]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, but Jesus Christ, if you're doing that. The point is, you know, a lot of folks in positions of power right now are probably not treating the beings that they summon or capture kindly. So I'm just gonna say that it's not a partisan statement at all. But with Hegseth, though, you know, that's just the tip of the iceberg. And I stumbled upon this article on Apple News, which is absolutely insane. You know, it really does. We were talking about this earlier. It just. Everything is changing. It just feels like everything is changing. And, you know, five years ago, I never would have expected to read this article. Senator Hegseth shifts focus with mystical tale during controversial hearing. In a surprising turn at a recent hearing, Senator Pete Hegseth responded to allegations of misconduct with a vivid recounting of a mystical experience. The session focused on accusations of Guccing from Hegseth's high school years. When asked about the allegations and to specify what Guccing meant, Hegseth responded, when I was in high school, it was a common thing to approach a friend from the back and poke his anus with your finger. This was called a gooch. You would yell out gooch, and they would jump, and then they would owe you a gooch. Hegseth apologized for any Guccing he's been accused of and shared an account of a backpacking trip in northern India. This is where it gets fucking weird. Did you hear about this?
- [08:59]
Guest or Co-host
I just want to know, was he a thumb guy? Because that's not appropriate.
- [09:03]
Duncan Trussell
He didn't Ask. But I do agree with you. Like, that should have been a question. I mean, you know, the problem is this. I don't want to seem ageist here, but I'm certain that a certain generation of senators, of our representatives have no idea what a gooch is. They probably have another name for it. Perineum, a ham bone or something. But they don't know what a gooch is. I guarantee Mitch McConnell has no idea what a gooch is. And if he was gooched when he was younger, he's forgotten it. Like, gone in the dust of his mind.
- [09:37]
Guest or Co-host
He seems more like a guccher.
- [09:40]
Duncan Trussell
Nah, he seems like a gooch. I mean, like, his. Just the face he would make.
- [09:46]
Guest or Co-host
True.
- [09:46]
Duncan Trussell
The gooch face. Which, you know, again, I'm not condoning that. No one should gooch. It's horrible. It's a terrible habit. Don't do it. It's like. It's assault. That's what it is. But again, he was in high school when. When I was in high school. You're lucky if you could get down the hall to lunch without 15 gooches, you know, or Gucci revenge gooches. Because if you don't pay the gooch back, you will get more gooches, like, and you have to gooch in a way that stops it. So word gets around. Like, don't gooch him. You know, I'm not saying that I fisted once, but that was the last of my Guccing attacks.
- [10:24]
Guest or Co-host
I wore special underwear during high school, so.
- [10:26]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, yeah, the chromium. Yep. Chromium field. Chromium force field. The GI Joe thing. It was, like, ungoochable. It was Guccible.
- [10:36]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah.
- [10:36]
Duncan Trussell
If your friend knew what he was doing, there was a way you could gooch. It's terrible when they figured that out. I wore those, too. I'm gonna admit it. I'm wearing a pair right now. To be honest, they're comfortable. Okay, let me jump back into this. Okay. Yeah. This is where it gets weird. When asked about the allegations, Hegseth instead shared an account of a backpacking trip in northern India. I saw a hooded figure who motioned for me and gestured towards the sheer wall of a cliff. He recounted. I shrugged, turning towards the cliff, and the hooded figure gooched me harder than I had ever been gooched in my life. Now, this is where it gets completely nuts. The hooded figure said, so begins your teaching. Hegseth continued. This led me to the monastery of Ming Nong Tong, an ancient sanctuary hidden from the world. Hegseth described the monks there as guardians of A message of love detached from physical and egoistic identities. They've preserved this wisdom since the time of a great flood, he explained, emphasizing the importance of transcending material concerns. In a lighter moment, Hegseth added, I was shown that what we think of as our bodies are just action figures. We are like he man, constantly battling Skeletor, who represents our ego. The hearing saw heated exchanges as Senators Bill Chomps, Mitch Horowitz, and Chairman Mao Zedong pressed for clarity on the misconduct allegations. Yet Hegseth remained focused on his spiritual message, saying that in the same way he eventually lost interest in his he man collection. An adult must realize that the action figures, figure of bodily identification must be released for true happiness to be achieved. And that by turning one's focus from the worries that most people who are completely attached to their identity are obsessed with and towards the transcendent divine. The Atman, as he called it, or the Witness, or as he said in Buddhism, is often called emptiness. From this simple shift in attention, one no longer needs the humanist writings, the scriptures or anything, because those people who wrote those scriptures were completely tuned into divine consciousness. And thus, by turning to the divine, one immediately not only understands everything written in all great scriptures, but becomes the scripture itself. Like that I did not expect from. I've seen him on Fox. Don't know that much about him. Seems like a nice guy. But then I took a deeper dive because I was interested in like, okay, who is this guy? What's his story? He was in the military, but I guess during some time out of the military, he just went up to northern India and was gone. No one could reach him. They thought he disappeared and he emerges and then suddenly he's like. Trump is like, okay, here's a job for you. Which is really weird. Now he painted and has done a whole series which you can find at the Guggenheim. Actually, another crazy thing. He's a very well respected artist. Like a lot of people are saying he's like this kind of, like, I don't know, outsider artist, sort of HR Giger, you know, meets Basquiat or, I don't know, like, I don't get into modern art that much. You know, to me, this seems kind of unfinished, but yeah, this is like the drawing of one of these beings that contacted him. He apparently, like in. In this monastery, there were all of these like bulbous caterpillar watching creatures that he said would spray out a kind of yellow slime that the. The monks who wore these insane looking headdresses would then rub onto your perineum and Gucci and that he doesn't know if this was actually their tradition or if via some telepathic connection to his past, they used his Guqing misconduct as the mechanism of transferring this information, also known as the Dharma transmission. No one knows. It's up for debate. But I mean, what a wild time. I mean, what do you think, man? I think if we have better sex with BlueChew. BlueChew is the original brand offering chewable tablets. These erection enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder and longer lasting erections for sexual activities. And I can attest to that. My God. My God. You want to know what Thor felt like when he was banging down dryads? Chomp on a BlueChew tablet and you will know. BlueChew is putting its money where its mouth is and offering you a month free. The process is simple. Sign up@bluechew.com, consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. And that's going to be fun, those days, because, you know, at the other end of those days is a powerful erection. You could take them anytime, day or night. So you can plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises. You never know. Sometimes you need to pop a blue chewed tablet and chomp that down on your lunch break. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations about your erections, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast and for helping my erections. I am a Bluechew subscriber. I actually buy them. They don't give them to me for free, which I'm not asking, but that would be cool. Get too caught up in day to day life, our bodies, our families, the worries of everyday life. Then for sure, the more caught up in that you get, the more you believe that your life, your individual life, is more important than everyone else's life. Or you sort of forget the holistic view of the human identity as being a transient sort of melting, sentient candle that gradually degrades into a sort of dementia or, you know, sudden death or whatever, thus irrelevantizing the general like. Like normie pursuits, money, fame, fucking nice house or whatever. And it's kind of like being in a. In a airport and like, you know, spending all your money on shit in an airport gift store, which is overpriced garbage most of the time. You know what I mean? So, yeah, to fixate too much on the identity and then sort of shift your attention to the watcher or the thing that, you know, the awareness of your thoughts versus your thoughts, the awareness of your body. God is what some people call it. Don't you feel like that could be an easy excuse to just bail on responsibility?
- [19:11]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, because the mundane scares people. And that's. I mean, I don't think any. For example, you said buying something at the airport, that's cheap. Who am I buying it for? You know what I mean? That's the important thing. Who I'm buying it for.
- [19:26]
Duncan Trussell
There you go.
- [19:26]
Guest or Co-host
And how they feel about that. And this Gucci thing. My wife and I have been playing that game since we started dating. And we both pooch each other when we're doing dishes. Inappropriate times in the middle of a grocery store. Yeah, the reason I brought up the thumb thing, she's a thumb person. I don't like it. It's too evasive. Gets too high up there.
- [19:44]
Duncan Trussell
Too invasive. Yeah, the thumb is. That's just a general savage. Yes, that is like, if. I don't know, man, that just feels like if. Okay, picture this. A time travel movie. They open up a portal and someone like, I don't know, like a Neanderthaler, like, you know, an ancient human is teleported into the modern world. And it seems like that's how they would gooch. How the Neanderthal would gooch? It seems like how. You know what I mean? Like just.
- [20:17]
Guest or Co-host
And the Neanderthal thumb has some girth on it.
- [20:19]
Duncan Trussell
Well, yes. Yes. That's what. That's one of the reasons they say, you know, there was a war between the Neanderthals and Homo sapiens. Did you know that?
- [20:28]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, we're 3% Neanderthals.
- [20:30]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, because we banged some of them too. But this is one of the theories of why we took them out is their Gucciing practice. It wasn't just that they would thumb Gucci. It's that their thumbs were gigantic and that it caused, like, it could cause internal injuries.
- [20:46]
Guest or Co-host
Tears.
- [20:47]
Duncan Trussell
Tears. Rips. What was the name of that? Did you ever see that crazy video? Oh, God, it's gone now. I watched it. Mr. Hands.
- [20:56]
Guest or Co-host
No, I haven't seen that one.
- [20:57]
Duncan Trussell
So this is like before the sterilization of the Internet. And though you could still find horrific shit, obviously on the Internet, you just have to work a little harder to find it. But in those days, you didn't have to work at all. You wanted to see somebody getting their claws ripped out by a falcon. You are, like, one click away, easy to find. But this was a. I think they did a documentary on it because the video went viral. And so this is a dude who lets a horse mount him, and the horse kills him, basically via internal injuries.
- [21:36]
Guest or Co-host
I remember this video now.
- [21:38]
Duncan Trussell
You saw it.
- [21:38]
Guest or Co-host
The sleeve came out is what it looked like. By sleeve, I mean eternal sleeve.
- [21:43]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [21:44]
Guest or Co-host
And that caused nightmares because I was in college. I'd never seen anything like that.
- [21:47]
Duncan Trussell
And. No. Well, because this is a glimpse of such depravity that it's almost incomprehensible. It is sort of like HP Lovecraft. Eldritch. This is like. How do I put it? It's like Euronymous. Bosch, pull up Euronymous Bosh. Good luck spelling that. It's gonna take 20 minutes. Dude. It's a H. Starts with an H. Euronomous. Euronymous Bo. Bosh. Botch. Bosh. His name sounds like the way his paintings look now. Just go to images. We'll look up the garden of. This is his most famous one. Garden of Earthly Delights. Yeah, Pull that shit up.
- [22:31]
Guest or Co-host
This one or this one?
- [22:32]
Duncan Trussell
Ah, let me see that. No, the demonic looking. One, two. Over right there.
- [22:38]
Guest or Co-host
This one?
- [22:39]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pull that up. Does it enlarge? What the fuck? There it is. Okay. Can you zoom in on that at all?
- [22:50]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah.
- [22:51]
Duncan Trussell
Anyway, this dude, like, look what's going on there. Just don't even move it. Here you've got what appears to be some kind of violin. The guy's turning it, and he's got some kind of bowl, and he's being gooched. Look, do you see what I'm pointing at, Josh?
- [23:08]
Guest or Co-host
This one, right?
- [23:09]
Duncan Trussell
He's like, on a mandolin.
- [23:10]
Guest or Co-host
Yes, right.
- [23:11]
Duncan Trussell
See that?
- [23:11]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah.
- [23:13]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. So basically, like, he was trying to sort of embody ultimate depravity, which. It's kind of hilarious that with humans, like, putting something in your bum.
- [23:27]
Guest or Co-host
That guy's diving in his butt, though.
- [23:29]
Duncan Trussell
Look.
- [23:29]
Guest or Co-host
See how he's, like, ready to.
- [23:30]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, he's about to dive in.
- [23:32]
Guest or Co-host
Wow.
- [23:32]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. So Bosch had some butt issues. His mom got weird when she changed his diaper. But the. The. The point is, every once in a while, because of our access to the activities of our entire species, which is brand new, he never had it. And also the bizarre compulsion some people seem to have not just to, like, do some of the Craziest shit. That would probably make Euronymous Bosch be like, dude, I'm putting that in my painting. That is fucking incredible. But to film it. So it's this exhibitionist kink. Like, it's paired kinks. It's like, take kink X. And also the person's an exhibitionist. And this is the birth of amateur porn, basically. This is where suddenly you're watching things that, based on your cultural conditioning, seem like something. If you were wandering in, I don't know, the first level of hell, you would look at them like, yeah, makes sense. That's what Mr. Hands was. Mr. Hands. What was so horrific about Mr. Hands? Because there's a lot of different levels to it, obviously. The bestiality level and the training.
- [24:48]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, I know of the horse.
- [24:50]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, shit, right? So the horse, instead of getting to gallop outside and ride, is, like, in some dark shed. You know what I mean? Just like. Just like constantly being invited to, you know, to cross a special boundary. I'm trying to couch my words here. And, you know, that's gotta feel so weird for the horse. Cause you don't. You probably initially, like, you know, in the same way, when I see, like, a horse's ass, I'm not like, damn, yeah, I gotta fuck that. Like, I'm sure when a horse sees, like, a human ass, just think how small it seems to it. Think how shriveled, how emaciated, how weak. You know what I mean? Just how generally repugnant. No fur, right? But then somehow you realize, well, if I do it, they give me carrots.
- [25:51]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah.
- [25:51]
Duncan Trussell
And you've probably had conversations at night with your friends in the stable, like, dude, they want to give me so many carrots. But it just seems fucked up. Aside from the fact it's gross, I'm pretty sure just sizing this creature up, man. I don't know how they survived this. And then probably one of the horses is like, they don't. They don't. And so, yeah, you know, there's a practice that Shaolin monks do. Have you heard of this shit? They fucking punch boulders. Did you know you can, like, they punch. The way they train is they punch into, I think I heard buckets of sand. They start punching sand. Essentially, they, like, do the thing that happens when you learn to play guitar to the.
- [26:40]
Guest or Co-host
To their, like, callous their knuckles, callous.
- [26:42]
Duncan Trussell
The shit out of their hands. And then they also learn some way of striking that just. I don't know. Who knows? It looks like magic to me. Chi energy. I don't know. But they can just. They can like punch through a boulder.
- [26:53]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, that's the guys that put like a blade at their throat and then bend the wooden. Whatever the spear.
- [26:59]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, they do crazy shit like that. And. But so the, you know, obviously the. What they've taught us is not just like, you can have a tough ass hand and you can punch boulders in half. They taught us. I mean, if you could do that to your hand, you could do it to any part of your body. Meaning you could do a completely different type of training with your manhood. You could theoretically, as a horse, via some divine inspiration, some intuition, train. You know, you're stuck in this situation. You love carrots. You're getting increasingly disgusted and pissed off. And so you train at night. You train at night. So it's not just like size, it's this thing is essentially like a billy club. And then that was revenge that we witnessed on the Mr. Hands video. When you saw that happen, that is pure revenge. And I guarantee that was the last time Mr. Hands had to do that job.
- [28:10]
Guest or Co-host
I don't know, because it's like when.
- [28:13]
Duncan Trussell
The Disney movie find out it's the next Disney film. It's like the new Dumbo.
- [28:20]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, yeah.
- [28:22]
Duncan Trussell
It's beautiful. It's a story of liberation. God, that'd be fucking incredible. Who would play Mr. Hands? The Rock.
- [28:31]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, God, I. Mr.
- [28:36]
Duncan Trussell
Hands as the rock. And you just have to show him, like, you know, classic Disney thing. Young Mr. Hands running with his parents. He looks so. They run by a nudist colony. What's going on? Why are those humans so gross and naked and humping out in the sun? Just run, son. Just run. Ah, Father lasso. They get away. He's pulled in. And that's when the training starts. And then he meets another. I don't know. It can't be a horse. It's gotta be like a bluebird or something that comes to his door and.
- [29:10]
Guest or Co-host
Teaches him he's part of Charlotte's web. And it's just from the horse's point of view.
- [29:14]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, it's just Charlotte's. It's like the perspective of the spider. Like, what the fuck barn is this? What does this horse do? What am I watching? This is so. Well, anyway, the point is that, you know, that video, the reason it froze into our minds was because of the sound he made.
- [29:40]
Guest or Co-host
Yes. Yep.
- [29:42]
Duncan Trussell
And it was. I mean, there's no way to describe the sound.
- [29:47]
Guest or Co-host
Guttural.
- [29:48]
Duncan Trussell
It was a guttural. It was like, you know, it was like just the sound of like someone's soul getting humped out of their mouth. Like it pushed his soul out of his mouth. Basically. You hear his soul leave his happily leave his fucking mouth. Like, Jesus, get me out of here. This is so fucked up to have this karma. I can't believe I'm embodied in a dude who likes to get banged by horses. What the fuck, man? Why did I pick this incarnation? But anyway, what I'm saying is, you know, it seems to me that the idea that you should find a way to not be so obsessed with your own fucking life that if you really look at your obsession with your own life, it's interesting early on, like in your 20s, kind of being obsessed with yourself, you're still new ish, you're still in. You have all this new freedom. There's something interesting about the situation. Confusing. But you know, as you get older, it's a little bit like chewing gum for a long time, but the gum's your identity and like you've done all the loops in your head, you know, the recurring thought patterns, you know, the dramas you inevitably get enmeshed in. And it does feel a little bit like when I used to play with GI Joes. Do you remember the trance state that would happen with action figures?
- [31:28]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, it was a real. Like you'd. With my little brother, we'd get into actual arguments because the world we created, you know, it's so real to us.
- [31:36]
Duncan Trussell
Yes. Like that's. I don't think my kids are lucky because I remember that trance state and like I don't think my. I think some parents don't remember or maybe they weren't lucky enough to even have that trance state. But like this is before Internet, this is before video games. So this is what you had. That and books and dude, the dramas that would unfold in my own head. You would hold these fucking figures and have full on conversations with them and like the world would just sort of disappear around you. And you were really embroiled in this thing that you were just summoning up with your brain. And so that is what is the difference between what we were doing then and what we're doing now. Other than that we can't see what's holding the action figure. You know what I mean? We're so embroiled in this drama that we have become completely oblivious to whatever might be witnessing the drama. We're just in the drama. And so the more you get embroiled in the drama, the more sticky it becomes and the less likely you are to have that glimpse of like, wait, I'M watching all of this. There's a part of me that's just watching this play out. I'm not, though I am in the world. Though I am arguing online, though I am neurotically obsessed with AI, there's another part of me that just seems to be watching the whole situation unfold, completely unaffected, not touched at all. Just watching. Almost infuriating in its impervious quality, you know, like. So don't you think it makes more sense to just sort of, like, begin focusing on that thing? Right? Or. No.
- [33:45]
Guest or Co-host
No. Yeah. I think as children, of course, we're innocent, so we don't know anything about the world. So we imagine these horrible things. I remember playing with my GI Joes. Everything was murder. And I killed. You know, they killed everybody. This. And as you get older, you just want to be safer. So we get more and more entrenched in our own life. Not necessarily because we think we are literally the center of the world, but we just want to be safe. And we don't want to think, listen, don't bother me, and I have my truth and let me live this truth that everybody has their truth.
- [34:16]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [34:16]
Guest or Co-host
And it's like that. No, there is. There is the truth. And you just don't want people to burst your little bubble. You know what I mean?
- [34:23]
Duncan Trussell
Right.
- [34:23]
Guest or Co-host
So we play safer and safer and safer. And to let that out, we go online and we say this horrible shit to each other. Because now. Now you feel like.
- [34:31]
Duncan Trussell
I feel.
- [34:32]
Guest or Co-host
Fuck you. Yeah, that feels better. And it's just. It's. We need to go back to playing with our GI Joes and getting out this murderous rage.
- [34:39]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, well, we. This is the sort of. I don't, like, I don't know, honestly, how much time people spend thinking about, like, the nature of awareness, you know? And I just. I don't. You know what I mean? Like, so, like, you have that moment on mushrooms, maybe. A lot of people have it on psychedelics. You just sort of. It's remembering. It's really a lot. Like, it's adjacent. Do you ever been knocked unconscious?
- [35:17]
Guest or Co-host
Yes.
- [35:19]
Duncan Trussell
Okay. What happened?
- [35:22]
Guest or Co-host
I don't remember being knocked out, but I remember waking up with a horrible headache.
- [35:26]
Duncan Trussell
Okay. You had a concussion.
- [35:28]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah. My uncles and cousins would get drunk and high and box me and my older cousin. Little kids. That was my first time I got knocked out.
- [35:36]
Duncan Trussell
Jesus Christ. I feel sorry for them. Your mom must have killed them, man.
- [35:42]
Guest or Co-host
No, she had no idea until I was an adult. I wasn't going to snitch on.
- [35:45]
Duncan Trussell
Good job. That is a good That's. That was really honorable of you.
- [35:49]
Guest or Co-host
Well, the bet was never who wins. The bet was, how long can I last?
- [35:52]
Duncan Trussell
Jesus Christ. I bet you could fight. That's some Spartan shit.
- [35:58]
Guest or Co-host
It was some 50. 50 shit. I have two left feet. No footwork.
- [36:02]
Duncan Trussell
Ah, footwork's the hardest, though.
- [36:04]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah. Yeah.
- [36:04]
Duncan Trussell
That's so hard. It's a big ask when you're getting punched. To also dance.
- [36:09]
Guest or Co-host
Yes.
- [36:10]
Duncan Trussell
It's like, fuck you. Like, on top of, like, just learning how to, like, keep my hands up. I've got to do some kind of bizarre survival dance. And be aware of the survival dance the opponent's doing. Jesus. It's too much boxing. You know, I bet if you took a pro. Not to say they already don't, but if you took a pro boxer, he would learn piano so fast. I bet. I wonder how many of them realize they could play piano. Like, if you could box, you could just easily, easily do shit like that.
- [36:44]
Guest or Co-host
It's obsession.
- [36:46]
Duncan Trussell
It's obsession. You apply that thing that you apply to boxing to anything. It's like. It is an obsession. It's a weird obsession. It triggers, like. I think it must. Hell yes. True Classic tees. That's today's sponsor, and I fucked up. I wanted to wear one today, and I forgot I have adhd. No excuse. I love wearing them. There are very few items of clothing I have right now because I don't like shopping at all. In fact, I have some kind of weird thing that probably. I should probably go to a therapist because I'm almost positive something awful happened to me at a shopping mall. I get that sense that there is a big, dark, slimy whale swimming within my subconscious mind that I don't want to acknowledge. And it happened to me at a. At a Belks, which is a clothing store when I was a kid. Now I was a chubby kid, so I had to wear huskies. That was the humiliation ritual. If you were a chubby kid back in my day, you go and get your huskies, and they were always too tight, because especially in those days, God help you if you were a chubby kid. So you don't want to admit it, and you'd get. The size would be too small, and then you just feel your belly hanging over that flap all day. You'd come home and take them off, and there'd be a red ring and your gut fat. Those were dark days for me. And I think that's why I don't like shopping anymore, because it felt really bad to go to World of Clothing with my mom. And try to find husky jeans for chubby kids. But now, thank God, I don't have to worry about that anymore. I don't have to go into a shopping center anymore and feel like I'm about to get sucked into the earth by some dark, cursed being living far underneath. Because I have True Classic clothes. It's not just T shirts, but I am a T shirt snob. I value my T shirts. They mean a lot to me. They bring me a lot of comfort. And honest to God, I can change the way my day is going by putting on a nice T shirt and that right now, my friends. And I mean this from the depths of my heart. The very top of my T shirt pyramid are True Classic tees. And I mean that. Not just because they're paying me. I mean it. These are the T shirts you want. If you're a T shirt man, as I am, and you should be, or a T shirt lady, whatever kind of T shirt person you may be, my God, you deserve True Classic tees. That's a great Valentine's Day gift, by the way. Sure. Chocolate, candy hearts, whatever. Ozempic injections. Okay. If you really want your partner to look at you in the way they used to look at you back in those days when life was a little more free and things were a little more fun, give them a box of True Classic teaspoons. Also, I might add, I've talked to the owner of True Classic Tees and he's cool. And not only that, when he found out I was from Asheville, he donated a shit ton of money to Asheville. Like, what the fuck? Who does that anymore? That's who. This. Buy the shirts. Level up your date night or everyday style with clothes that actually fit right. Just go to my exclusive link@truclassic.com Duncan to save. That's trueclassic.com Shop now. Elevate your wardrobe today. And please make the CEO feel like he didn't make a mistake by sponsoring my podcast and then donating an insane amount of money to the town I grew up in. Thank you, True Classic. I don't know. Cause I would never get in a, like actual boxing fight. Cause like, I can't. I'm clinging to my last brain cells, you know what I mean? I'm just trying to hold on like the last few fries in a fry box on a rainy day, you know, covering. They're gonna get wet eventually and be slop and I'll be some drooling, rambling person who can't remember anything. But I Just want to hold on. So I'm afraid one good blow in a boxing ring, that would be it. Dude, I'd be done. I'd just be done. I'd be stuttering, gone, gone with the win. But yeah, to me, if you look at a lot of what appears to be the cause of a lot of people's suffering out in the world, it disguises itself as world events. A lot of people are suffering because of a perception of world events. Because the world is so scary right now, legitimately. Shit's on fire. Wars, drones, AI taking the jobs. The whole this part of the movie is a little excruciating if you're watching what they call the news. So it's either. So you get kind of wrapped up in that or it's like mini dramas, like TikTok dramas and stuff. There's all these. So you have the global events, then there's these weird sub dramas between influencers that arise which are also weirdly off putting for people who get obsessed with it. They get real passionate about the like, I don't know, the Neil Gaiman thing. Did you hear about that? You know Neil Gaiman is.
- [42:51]
Guest or Co-host
No, who's that?
- [42:52]
Duncan Trussell
He wrote a bunch of great books, he's kind of a beloved writer. And suddenly all these allegations came out that he was like super into BDSM and that he was like, I don't know, I didn't read the article yet, but it's shocking. It would be like Stephen King suddenly being discovered. I don't know, he's an arsonist. Like they saw him at the LA fires, he was starting the fires or something, which would be fucking incredible and horrible, but you know what I mean, like whoa. But you know, there's those sub dramas you get embroiled in and then you have your day to day sort of dramas, money, family that you get embroiled in. But if you look at the quality, it's the same. It's just like when you got attached to your GI Joes. If you look at the hypnotic state you're in when you're about to vengeance on somebody and really tell them why they're a fucking asshole, that they think they should have that parking spot. Like if you look at like that and the way you're embroiled in it, it's. There's no difference between that and like when you were doing he man and Skeletor. Yeah, I'm not saying that it invalidates it, but it is a little interesting to like when was the last time you got a parking Spot stolen from you name. Like the last three times?
- [44:10]
Guest or Co-host
I don't know about the last three times. I know I didn't get it. No, I got towed out of my spot and I paid for that spot and a tow truck just came and towed me out and I felt totally helpless.
- [44:24]
Duncan Trussell
Do you remember the last three times you got cut off in traffic?
- [44:27]
Guest or Co-host
Yes. That happens a lot here.
- [44:28]
Duncan Trussell
So you remember every time?
- [44:30]
Guest or Co-host
No, I just remember because when I was with my family and they cut me off to the point where I almost had an accident. Another time it was raining. Another time, this person's on their phone and cuts all the lanes and I was like, are you. You know.
- [44:43]
Duncan Trussell
So you remember this?
- [44:46]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, yeah, those. Because those.
- [44:47]
Duncan Trussell
I slowly begin to realize I'm just real dumb. I can't remember anything. I thought it was a transcendent quality. I'm like, wait, what?
- [44:55]
Guest or Co-host
Well, these, these are. These are times that. Where it was scary because it's like you can get in a car accident.
- [45:01]
Duncan Trussell
So I guess the weak ass point I'm trying to make, and I'm happy that maybe I'm wrong. You know what? I'm happy if I'm projecting my own mental disintegration onto the world. But I've noticed a week ago, I don't really remember what I had for lunch last Wednesday. Now, that lunch could have meant something to me. Maybe I was really hungry, but I don't really remember the specifics of it. I don't remember how many lunches. God, please don't say you remember all the fucking lunches.
- [45:37]
Guest or Co-host
I don't, but this is okay. I've been practicing this thing. Checkpoints have checkpoints. So I'm literally taking a warm shower and I'm like, you know, it was from this podcast. It's like 100 years ago, people weren't taking warm showers, even if you were rich. So it's like, enjoy this warm shower.
- [45:54]
Duncan Trussell
Yes.
- [45:55]
Guest or Co-host
And then as far as meals, I think of meals, how I'm gonna go home and I'm. Oh, I'm cook this and I'm gonna make it this way.
- [46:02]
Duncan Trussell
So last Tuesday lunch.
- [46:04]
Guest or Co-host
Last Tuesday lunch. I don't know. But last.
- [46:07]
Duncan Trussell
Thank you, God.
- [46:07]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah. But two weeks ago, I cooked a nice rack of ribs from my.
- [46:11]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, I remember every brisket I ever made.
- [46:13]
Guest or Co-host
There you go.
- [46:14]
Duncan Trussell
But what I'm getting at here is a lot of the things that in the moment seem very important, intense. I mean, think back to the girl, whoever she is. Everyone has 1, 2, or 3 or 4. You were obsessed. You weren't sure. If she loved you, you hope so. Would this be the one? I can't live without her. Think of that girl, whoever it is. Now, you might be going through it right now, and you're like, yeah, I'm. This is horrible. Why did you want me to think about her? I just stopped thinking about her. I listened to your podcast to stop thinking about her, actually. But when I think back to those girls, girls, I felt. I remember one girl email me a breakup email, and I literally fell out of my chair. So embarrassing. Like a real drama that I was playing out in front of nothingness. No one's in the room. Maybe I'd seen it in a movie. I was so upset and I writhed around. I was so hurt. Not saying you shouldn't emote or anything, but when I look back at that, it was like some kind of performative, I don't know, to nobody or everybody, but I was wrecked. But now that seems less real than the dream I had last night. You know what I mean? These things in the moment feel like you're being crucified. But a few months down the line, maybe a year, depending on the thing, they just become these kind of foggy, glowy, you know, they weren't fun, but it doesn't impact you the same way.
- [48:11]
Guest or Co-host
Distance.
- [48:12]
Duncan Trussell
Distance. And so from that perspective, the next time you're, like, going fetal because you get dumped, you have to look at the entirety of the situation, which is that will eventually feel like an embarrassing moment for you. The thing where you feel like this is, like the climax of the tragedy that is my life.
- [48:36]
Guest or Co-host
Those are the best jokes, though.
- [48:38]
Duncan Trussell
Those are the best jokes. You need them. But when you're approaching life as though you're not going to look back on something, if you even do look back on it and think, whatever, then that means you're constantly recreating this stupid drama that eventually gets completely purified by time or rewritten or rewritten in your own mind or by them. You know what I mean? So this points towards another way of existing in the world, which no one's gonna back you up on. You know, like, people want the drama. They want drama. They want to want. They want to be consumed by desire, they want to hurt. They want that feeling of longing. They want that feeling of disappointment. You know what I mean? The people who just like. All they ever talk about is what disappoints them, what bugs them. They're never talking about anything that doesn't bug them. They're just constantly obsessed with the last disappointment. That's their whole lives, and yet they will never talk about the disappointment they had, like, six months ago. It has to be fresh disappointment or they don't give a fuck. And yet every fresh disappointment, they act like it's the end of the world. Do you know what I'm talking about?
- [50:11]
Guest or Co-host
Well, because the mundane is torture.
- [50:14]
Duncan Trussell
Ah, the mundane. What's the. You mean the mundane just being like a kind of like, smooth sailing, no turbulence, seatbelt, lights are off.
- [50:23]
Guest or Co-host
The people who don't have that drama and they have conversations. People are like, oh, what's wrong with this person? This person just. They're so boring. It's just like. What do you mean? Because I didn't talk shit about anybody or I'm not telling you about my problem?
- [50:34]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, it's like, it seems boring.
- [50:36]
Guest or Co-host
Yeah, it seems boring to you? It's just like, all right, what kind.
- [50:39]
Duncan Trussell
Of life would that be? If I wasn't constantly embroiled in an idiot drama or mentally embroiled in someone else's business, I would be so horrifically bored. That's what they think. They would rather live every day with their little buttholes just tight as the noose on a hangman's neck. They would rather live with their quivering buttholes tight birthing hemorrhoids, and their amygdalas just wet, dripping wet amygdalas just pouring cortisol into their bodies, then experience peace.
- [51:44]
Guest or Co-host
Peace is scary. Peace is acceptance.
- [51:48]
Duncan Trussell
Huh? Yeah. I mean, maybe the problem is, like, the belief that if you stop buying into your. The drama as much, then you won't experience joy. I think you're still gonna experience. You'll still have conflict, you'll still have drama. It's not like it's gonna go away. Your neighbor's still gonna be a fucking piece of shit. It's not going anywhere. Your neighbor's still gonna, like, throw his dog shit at your kids when they go by or whatever. That's still gonna happen. You don't worry. It's not like the drama goes away. It's just you don't have to be constantly freaked out. Like, being freaked out is pretty much like the national identity right now. You're supposed to be freaked the fuck out. Everyone's freaked out. Have you noticed that?
- [52:50]
Guest or Co-host
That's why it's becoming more frequent. The things that are supposed to freak us out of habit frequent because we're like drug addicts and the tolerance is too high.
- [52:59]
Duncan Trussell
So now, oh, yeah, we went from, like, you know, a casual bump of blow at a holiday party to under the bridge Yellowed fucking meth pipe smoking bits of gravel. Because we're so high, we think maybe, just maybe it's a crumbled bit of meth that you dropped. That's us just under that fucking underpass, slurping back vodka and watching Sean Hannity and Rachel Maddow and Mr. Hands and Mr. Fucking Hands videos. When that doesn't work. That. See, that's my Phases of Doom. Phase one would be find something on the mainstream media that's particularly scintillating. Phase two of doom would be play Path of Exile 2. Oh, what a great game. Now that's going to get my amygdala really going. Because someone told me the human brain can't differentiate between video games in real life. So when you're playing a video game, the joy you're getting is because your poor stupid brain is like, we're a fucking witch now. Holy fuck, we gotta get a more big, greater energy shield. What are we gonna do? You don't have a lightning amulet. And so then that gets you nice and broiled up. And that's when it's time for bed. Even though you're not tired because your poor brain is like, I guess we don't sleep. How could we sleep right now? I'll take first watch. Well, just stay awake. Don't worry, I'll keep you awake, man. I'm not gonna let you sleep. Not after that. After we fought that fucking act two boss. Are you kidding me? That's so hard. This game is so hard, dude. Are we gonna have to respect the whole fucking character? And then you. That's when I go deep. That's when it really starts. Now it's time for 4chan. Now it's time for Reddit conspiracy. Now it's time to just dive into the pits and then pick out the most putrid thing to be afraid of or a general exemplification of a depraved world. And then you go to bed and start the day the next day. Well, you know, man, to wrap it up, my last real ketamine trip, I had a few after that, but this one broke the spell. I don't know why, but I had a ketamine problem. I went in the K hole, which I loved. Miss that place. And I had this crazy vision. I was flying down a well. The well was made of Buddhist monks, but they were alive and they were all chanting. And at the bottom of that well, I saw what I thought at the time was the circuitry of reality created. Actually created by a divine superintelligence. That was completely that. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. We often hear about the red flags we should avoid. But what if we focus more on looking for green flags and friends and partners? You know the green flags, like when someone comes to your house for the first time and they've got cat food in their pockets that they give to your cat if you're not sure what they look like. Therapy can help you identify green flags. Actively practice them in your relationships and embody the green flag energy yourself. Whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, it's time to form relationships that love you back. And I say it on every one of these commercials and I'll never stop. I have definitely benefited from therapy. It works. There's a reason it exists. Changed my life. BetterHelp is fully online, making therapy affordable and convenient, serving over 5 million people worldwide. Access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Discover your relationship green flags with better help. Visit betterhelp.comduncan to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.comduncan thank you, BetterHelp. Somehow, Divinity and simplification, or divinity and optimization were identical. That one quality of it was pure simplicity, pure optimization, which would save the most energy. And so in the creation of the reality we're in, I realized that it is simultaneously the way the circuitry works is if you are concerned with your own needs and desires and wants, then the circuitry flows towards you naturally. You become, I don't know what the word a receiver of the energy. The more you stay in that state, the darker your life becomes. And this is how you live in hell. The more selfish you are, the more energy you're drawing from the world around you, the darker things get. Somehow, almost as though that energy was lighting things up and you're drawing it all into yourself because you don't understand that there's a confusion regarding how to experience the divinity. You want to eat it. And so that. And the more you do that, the denser you get or something. And the more dense you become, the less likely you are to change. And the less likely you are to change, the more obsessed with yourself you become. And this produces a. Almost like a neutron star effect. So that's how heaven and hell coexist. That if you. The less you are thinking about yourself. And it's not enough to be a nihilist but rather the more you're thinking about putting energy out around you, paradoxically, the lighter you become and the more things brighten up around you. And that therefore, the simple thing to ask yourself at any given moment is, who am I serving right now? And if you're serving yourself, then ultimately you will not find any real happiness in that pursuit. And so the way out of hell is so fucking is simple. And then when you think of hell, you realize if any people need help, it's people in hell. The moment people in hell actually started helping each other instead of, like, screaming, it would no longer be hell. Probably wouldn't be great for a while, but it would instantaneously transform into something completely, an opportunity to help. Which leads me to something my great grandmother used to say. If you add a P to hell, you get fell P, H, E, L, L. And she would always say that, and she'd pause. But obviously, this is my great grandmother. She's very old. And she'd say it at the table or lead into it would be so long. She would start talking about this star. She called it a black star that lived, that was in the heart of every man. And then, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, great grandmother, Southern family. You're not going to interrupt her. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And we would try things. My brother, my sister, she kicked the. She would kick the dog, hoping it would make it yelp and sort of snap my great grandmother out of the thing. But it never worked. But once the dog bit her foot just to show how intense this was. This is like the fourth Thanksgiving, the last Thanksgiving I spent with my great grandmother. Yeah, she tried the dog trick, and I told her, just don't do it. It never works. The dog just yelps and it feels worse. So the dog was sick of this shit because she'd been doing this every year. So right when my great grandmother gets into the. There's a black star in the heart of every man. Or you talk about Ahriman or something, but my sister, she kicks the shit out of the fucking dog. And the dog just turned around and, like, bit her foot. Just, like cut through her foot and runs out from under the table. It's got blood all over its snout. My great grandmother looks at the dog, looks at my sister and says, that's what you get, bitch. And then my sister tried to get up. My dad was like, you will sit there and suffer through this. And then, yeah, once she said, add the P to hell, you get fell. It was Just long pause. And to this day. Maybe one of you guys know what that means or have heard that before. Can you look up P H E L L. I never did that. Honestly should have done that. No one knew. Right after this, man, she would just cry and cry. Fell. Tamer. Fell. Fell. It's like bands. Tamer. Fell. I doubt she knew who Tamer Fell was. Pell Grant. Wait, go back. What's a fellahedron? Maybe that's what she was talking about. Fell Fel. Phelandrum Philandrium. Philandrium aquaticum. Also known as water drop. Water Fennel is a plant that is used in homeopathic remedies. It is a biennial plant for respiratory conditions such as bronchitis emphysema. And she died of emphysema.
- [64:00]
Guest or Co-host
Oh, shit.
- [64:03]
Duncan Trussell
She had a wet cough. It is also used to treat wet coughs. And the middle lobes of her lungs were completely blasted because back in her day, they didn't put water. They still had those big ass glass pipes. They didn't put water in the bong. Did you know that?
- [64:21]
Guest or Co-host
No.
- [64:22]
Duncan Trussell
So they would smoke out of that thing, but they hadn't figured out to put water in it yet. And that's why a lot of older people have emphysema. Holy shit. So the whole time she was asking for Philandrium aquaticum and couldn't remember the last name, she just knew. Fell. Fell. Fell. She would point to her mouth too. Fel. She would cough. Fell. Fel. Huh? Well, may she rest in peace. I don't have a time machine. Can't go back and give her some weird fucking witch brew. But I can always love her. And I will always love you. Thank you for hanging out with me during this solo episode. We'll be back soon. And if you want commercial free episodes of this podcast, don't forget to become a member and also please like and subscribe. Gang, we have got to get moving here. I need exponentially more subscribers if I'm going to get even close to beating Mr. Beast, who is like, somehow still adding subscribers. And it's interesting. We'll cover this in the next solo episode. But if you look at the number of people on planet Earth with access to Internet technology and the number of subscribers he has, I think he has more subscribers than that. So we'll dive in to that conspiracy next week. Until then, Fell.