← Duncan Trussell Family Hour
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- [00:01]
Duncan Trussell
Hi, friends. You're about to tune in to the number one day Stream in America. But before you do that, I gotta do the comedian thing and plug my dates. I want you to come to my shows. I want to smell you. I'm going to be in Rosemont, Illinois, April 9th through the 11th at Zany's. I'm going to be in Tulsa, April 16th through the 18th at the Bricktown Comedy Club. In April 23rd through the 25th, I'm going to be in Jacksonville, Florida at the Comedy Zone. Lots of dates. I'm coming to the Wilbur in Boston soon. You can find all my dates@duncantrustle.com buy tickets in advance. We just sold out. The comedy works. I would hate for you to miss one of these shows. Healings happen. Spiritual healings, physical healings. I'm not saying I'm responsible for that or that even happened, but I'd love for you to come to the show. And now let's dive into the day stream.
- [01:01]
Day Stream Narrator
Floating down the stream of day. And even though sometimes you just want to curl up in a ball and scream, you know that just won't do a thing. So why not plug into the day stream? Take technology that we have was created for the war machine. They really don't want us to use it to connect. And pretty soon they probably won't let us stream. So why not join together while we can before it ends on the 14th of May? Have some fun before they enact their plan. Have some fun on the stream of day. Day stream.
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Child or Audience Member
This is the day stream.
- [01:54]
Day Stream Narrator
Maybe they're gonna fire the May me while you are still free. Come with me on the day street.
- [02:05]
Child or Audience Member
Day street. Day stream. Day stream.
- [02:09]
Day Stream Narrator
You're watching the day stream.
- [02:12]
Child or Audience Member
Day stream. Day stream. Day stream.
- [02:16]
Day Stream Narrator
You're watching the day stream.
- [02:19]
Duncan Trussell
Welcome, welcome to you, my beautiful denizens of the day. This is the Duncan Trussell Family Hour, AKA the Day Stream, as opposed to the Night Stream. And here we all are gathered together on April 1, aka April Fool's Day. It's an ancient holiday you might not be aware of. This that has its roots in ancient Gregorian culture in Lower Albanasia is the first incident of an April Fool's Day prank, when Carson the Blithiad threw a raccoon at Vargaux. And famously, as the raccoon was flying through the air, he yelled, that's not a raccoon. April Fools. And that was the beginning of the most obnoxious holiday that has continued throughout time, allowing sociopaths and assholes to justify their unbridled aggression against their brothers and sisters by doing what they call pranks. More often than not, these pranks suck. They're not pranks. They're usually schoolyard bullying techniques. But every once in a while, a sophisticated prank happens that is worth noting and incredible. And so that brings us to the NASA moon launch. Josh, can you pull up that livestream? You know, today we are headed back to the moon. There was a little pause. We didn't really think we needed to go back to the moon. We went up there a few times, wandered around, walked around, checked out the moon, went up there. We drove golf carts all over the moon. And humans were up there on the moon having fun. And now it was, you know, it's a big deal to get humans up on the moon. You know, historic, actually. Unfortunately, they lost all the footage, which happens when. Who hasn't lost footage? I do. I lose it on my computer all the time. You guys are probably aware of the fact that NASA lost the original moon landing video, but here we are, guys. This is. Right now. What we're doing here is these astronauts are getting. They're getting ready to go and fly around the moon. They're not going to land on the moon. They're just doing a flyby, going to check out the dark side of the moon. And this is an exciting moment, man. We're going back. We're going back there, and we're doing it on April Fool's Day, which I just feel like I need to say this because I feel like there's a lot of you out there. No judgment. Misinformation is real. People get sucked into misinformation all the time. There's a lot of you out there, I feel like, who are noticing the date they chose to send people back to the moon happens to be April Fool's Day. And I just. This is. As someone who has spent his life fighting misinformation in the trenches of the information war, setting things straight, going on Snopes, professionally debunking some of the foolishness out there. I want to point something out to you. Just because it happens that our return to the moon is on April Fool's Day doesn't mean anything. That's a false correlation. In philosophy circles, which I frequently, happily and am welcomed with open arms. We call that a Blitzer's error. And it's the 16th philosophical mistake where you take one thing and pair it with another thing and smush it together when it doesn't belong. Now, don't make the Blitzer's error. Just because on April Fools, NASA is going to send people back to the moon, because that's. Let me explain where this slippery slope could take you. You gotta start at the beginning. Number one, you don't believe we went to the moon. Now, Josh, I just want to show how sometimes direct evidence doesn't work. Can you please pull up, Josh, some videos of the moon landing? Now, number one, thankfully, even though they did lose the original footage, which happens all the time, who hasn't lost a family video? Who hasn't lost something? Just because they're NASA doesn't mean they're not human. Of course, you might lose. Yeah. Was it maybe the most important footage in the history of humanity? But, hey, NASA's a big place and it's easy to lose stuff. Let's see. It's weird. There you go. Just skip ahead. He's coming back from the moon. There. But what we're showing for my dear listening audience, it's the astronauts returning from the moon. There we go. This is it. Landing on the moon. There we go. Okay, so number one, for all of you saying we didn't go to the moon. Boom. There you go. Footprint. We're showing a footprint on the screen. That's definitely moon footprint. There's a person on the moon. Jump ahead a little bit. There he goes. There he goes, headed off. Josh, Google astronaut on the moon jumping. Because they had some fun up there, too. And who wouldn't? Who wouldn't have fun? You're on the moon and the moon was made for fun. If you ask me, that's some Cyndi Lauper song, but there you go. That's Eugene Sinman having a blast up there.
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Child or Audience Member
Look at him go bouncy. Bouncing on the moon, having some fun.
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Duncan Trussell
This is totally real. Why do you think this is fake, you weirdo? That's what he was singing. This is so fun. Having some fun. That's totally normal. Let's find more footage of the astronauts. I'm just showing you this. I know most of you who watch my streams are logical people, but let's just watch some more of this footage on the moon. It's all real. Totally real. Now, I do want to point something out. A lot of people, they say, well, how come you don't see any stars? And to make that argument, they say things like, you should see a bunch of stars, right? Like, if I go out into the country, I see tons of stars. And especially in the light pollution. Like, for example, Josh, it's a Google image search, probably view of space from Mars. I don't know if you saw this Mars. You do see a lot of stars when you look up from Mars. Let's see if you can find that. There you go. That's that Instagram one at the very end, second column, all the way. Yeah, pull that up, Josh, now. Okay, so this is what the sky looks like on Mars. You know, see a lot of stars. There's no light pollution, so see a lot of stars. Now go back to that moon footage. Just because I feel like if you're going to. Again, someone who's been fighting the misinformation war for a long time, go back to the moon. One. Yeah. Now you'll notice in this image, it's just the sky is black and one seeing the Mars. Go back to the Mars image. Let's just do a comparison. That's the moon.
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Child or Audience Member
Hoppity, hoppity, little bunny.
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Duncan Trussell
Go back now. That's Mars now. Go back to the moon now. Okay. Why? Why? Many people would ask. And if you're asking, you shouldn't even ask. Honestly, if you're asking questions like that, I feel like you should not be allowed to post on the Internet. That's people in my field fighting misinformation. We think that people who don't think we went to the moon should not be allowed on the Internet. But the reason is known as the Parthenon field stripes tropic effect, which happens on the moon. The Moon emanates an anti star field and it's a protective mechanism. It's like an ancient. Why is my chest hanging? That's embarrassing. It's an ancient protective mechanism. My chest was not out just now. That was AI And I did that on purpose so you guys could see how realistic AI is. I've had my shirt buttoned up this entire fucking time. So that's another thing we'll get into later is like, if you go back and look at the video, it looks like my shirt was hanging open like I was a raging douchebag returning from a Rita bar where I struck out drunkenly hitting on college girls. But as it turns out, that was AI as an example.
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Child or Audience Member
Gotcha.
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Duncan Trussell
Similarly, what you're seeing here is not AI this is totally real. It looks totally real. Nothing about this seems fishy at all. And the fact that we haven't gone back to the moon in any real capacity is not fishy at all. Because why would you want to create a base on the moon? Why would you even want that? There's no point. There's no usefulness. There's no reason that we would want to go back there at all. None, zero, zero reasoning that we would want to go back. Do you want to be on the moon? Would you like to live on the moon, little baby? Is that where you want to be? On the moon? Just a little baby on the moon eating cheese? I would not want to be on the moon. No one in the misinformation fighting community wants to be on the moon at all. Because we like to look at the stars, and on the moon, you can see no stars, as William Blake said. One of my favorite poems by William Blake, the great poet. O moon, above your speckled skin reminds me of all that has been. And yet the sky so very black around you makes me very sad. Very sad, very sad. I wish that I could see the stars from your sweet moon thrown up a bar, and yet I can't. And so, you know, to the moon I'll never go. That's William Blake. They knew that back then. They knew that. Thank you, Josh. Josh is snapping now, by the way, which is. We don't clap here anymore. Thank you. Thank you for the snaps.
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Child or Audience Member
Little.
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Duncan Trussell
Little loud. Those are. Did they need to be that loud?
- [13:20]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I'll do golf snaps next time.
- [13:22]
Duncan Trussell
It's still kind of loud. And the scratch was, like, extremely loud. You could pull back and scratch your. Your beard and then come back in.
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Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Okay.
- [13:32]
Duncan Trussell
I do a lot of people in the audience. That's gonna trigger them. So my apologies, everybody. You know, Josh is making efforts. That's all we can do. And I appreciate that. Look at this. See that? That's how you do it. Just like that.
- [13:47]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Oh, so like you're scratching your balls.
- [13:50]
Duncan Trussell
Come on. Very lightly. All right. Come on. This is not that kind of podcast anymore. And again, here we are on Mars, looking up at the sky. And so I feel like I've done pretty much as much as you can do when it comes to proving that we've been to the moon. And the fact that I even have to do that is sad. It's sad. You know, I was showing my kid moon landing footage, and my sweet child looked at it and said, that looks fake, Dad. I don't think that's real. That doesn't look real. That looks fake and, you know, grounded. Immediate grounding for three days. Immediate grounding. I said, never, ever, ever say that again. Don't say that. If you say that in a few years, you will not be able to go online. And that's just my view on it. So here we are again. Let's cut back to the real world now. Here we are. This very exciting. This is NASA. We are getting ready to go on the moon. He's got his stash bag there. That's where they carry their lucky charms. Every astronaut carries a bag of lucky charms when they go up to the moon. Astronauts have little baubles and gems and jewels and all kinds of things. And his string is coming out there. That's his bag string, in case it drops out, even though they're not going on the moon. And he's doing the classic astronaut pat. He's getting his legs patted down. You could see thumbing thumbs up. He's ready to go. He's looking at that, what she's bringing over, and he's like, what the fuck is this now? And here we go, shoving in some chocolate. Every astronaut, when they're on a moon mission, has a. A bag of chocolate that they carry in their side pockets because that's what you need up there. And yeah, he's wondering about the carpeting. He's wondering. And astronauts are obviously the best among us. And you could see what he's kind of thinking is like, why the fuck do these chairs why does it seem like they got these chairs from the back rooms? He's like, why does it seem like a lot of the stuff in here is from the back rooms? Why is this shitty carpet here? This is NASA. Like, surely you could afford better carpet than this shit. This is. This is fucking. This is the kind of. This is garbage carpet. This is fucked up backrooms carpet. Now, notice behind them, you see the metal things with the gauges on them. And those are all important and are used for moon stuff. Those are moon machines. And when they're doing a moon landing, they have to make sure those gauges are set right. And every single thing you're seeing here totally makes sense. It all does. You'll notice the photographer is masking. Thank God that photographer has Ebola. I don't know if you knew that, but that's another tradition is when you're taking pictures of astronauts in weird backroom chairs, getting ready on April Fool's Day to go back to the moon. It's a tradition at NASA to take a photographer who has hemorrhagic fever and let them take pictures of the astronauts. But of course, they have to mask to make sure the astronauts don't get sick. And you might be asking, shouldn't everyone be masking? No, absolutely not. Just that one lady should be masking. And I'm so glad she did. You'll notice also the outlet back there. That's one of the moon machines is plugged into that outlet. And yeah, it's NASA, so they're using top of the line gear and stuff. Fist bump to the Oompa Loompa, man. Now, notice on the side pocket there, you see those two blue things that they're the side pocket blue things. Those are machetes. Every astronaut carries two machetes into space. And he's pointing to that guy's little note. It's probably a reminder that says, go fly to the moon today. Don't forget, today you're going to the moon. And again, I really want to reiterate how completely normal all of this is. That nothing that you're looking at here should seem weird to you at all. Nothing that you're seeing here should seem strange. Why would you even think it's strange? Why would something about this give you the weirdest fucking feeling ever? Why? This is normal. This is just how we do it. She's got his moon watch ready to go.
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Child or Audience Member
That's my moon machine.
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Duncan Trussell
She probably just said, and. Oh, what is this? What's this? Oh, great. Thank you. Thank you. This is a. Yeah, now this sounds disgusting and I'm sorry about that. But what she's putting into the side pocket there is the astronaut's diarrhea. And all this makes sense. Everyone you're seeing makes sense. Everything here totally makes sense. Nothing weird about this at all. That Scarlett Johansson is talking about going back to the.
- [19:24]
Child or Audience Member
Why does that seem weird? Does it seem. Does any of this seem like weird to you? It's not.
- [19:32]
Duncan Trussell
This is how you go to the moon. You get packets of goop and you eat it. It's just normal. We're definitely going to the moon on April Fool's Day. I'm frustrated that I have to spend my time on this podcast fighting misinformation. There's so many other things I'd like to be talking about, like the disappearing scientists.
- [19:53]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Is that Marc Maron?
- [19:54]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah, I think it is, yeah. Giving him a fond farewell. And this is exactly the way they've always done moon launches in these. You might ask yourself, well, why do the people who aren't going to the moon have to wear white jumpsuits? You gotta wear them. This is international law. This is Geneva Convention shit. Like all of this. That's a happy group of people. They've gathered to see us go to the moon. I want to thank Ultra Pouches for supporting this very important episode of the dtfh. As somebody who is always chomping on fucking pouches I gotta tell you, there's something really, I don't know, it's a little depressing. Like if the first thing you do in the morning is just reach for fucking nicotine, which I've done. But because we are creatures of habit, there's an easy way to fix that. And it's not shoving toilet paper into your mouth. No. Why not try an Ultra Pouch? You could just easily replace whatever your particular pouch of choice is with something that doesn't have nicotine, doesn't have caffeine, but does have L Theanine, which I love. Infinity px, which is a cleaner, smoother energy boost than caffeine. L Theanine, of course, an amino acid promoting calm energy and attentiveness. Alpha GPC, a nootropic for enhancing mental processing. And vitamin B6 and B12 give your body a morning boost that isn't nicotine. They're great. Really, really cool and pretty powerful actually. You know, there's something like simultaneously awesome and like somehow always just makes me feel dumb when you realize, like, you know, you don't have to overload your body with nicotine and caffeine to feel normal. There's other stuff out there that's a lot better. That's the world we're living in, by the way. And Ultra Pouches wants to invite you into that world. 90% of users saw significant improvements in their overall focus level, enhanced memory, smooth energy, mood, balance, all with no nicotine and no caffeine. Ultra is the ultimate guilt free pouch, delivering instant focus and mental clarity without nicotine or caffeine. New customers can use Code dunkin to get 15% off@takeultra.com that's takeultra.com for 15% off with code Dunkin. After you purchase, they'll ask you where you heard about them. Please do support our show and tell them the DTFH sent you, Which we are totally doing. Four hours and 58 minutes from Cape Canaveral, Florida in four hours and 58 minutes. Oh, those are content creators. That's. Fuck yeah, that makes sense. That's. All of this makes sense. You know, I think not to get like too spiritual or preachy here, but if you're looking at this and you're like, none of this really feels like something about it feels off to me. I think that's a you thing. I think that's a you thing. And you know, sometimes even your rational mind works against you, unfortunately. And that little, still small, quiet voice that people tell you to listen to don't Listen to that. Having fought the war against misinformation for most of my life, I've learned to really not listen to that part, that thing inside of me, because it's so many times it's wrong. For example, recently the President of the United States, Donald Trump, said that we won the war in Iran. And that still small, quiet voice in me, it said, that sounds like bullshit. And it was barely even still small and quiet. It was kind of loud. It was like. That sounds like the most insane horseshit I ever heard in my life. It sounds more like you don't want to get trapped in the quagmire you created, and so you're just gonna fucking head on home like some drunk party clown that just took a big shit on a bunch of toddlers at the party you got paid to dance around at. And you realize, and as you're leaving, you're saying, this is the best party I've ever put on for kids. But this is what that part of you does. It makes you. We should be all. Today is a day of celebration because one, we're going back to the moon, and two, I'm pretty sure today the President of the United States is going to announce that we won the war in Iran and that we can now leave. And it's all on April Fools. And that's the part that I really want to emphasize. Don't let that still small, quiet voice and you say, is this some kind of Masonic shit? Because it really. You could easily think this seems like some kind of weird occult thing. Thing. It's almost as though, look, I'll try to make, just in all fairness, I'll try to do the voice of a lunatic. One could think that this seems to be some kind of occult ritual that is designed to simultaneously fool people while winking, that it's obviously a joke. Like in. Yes. There seem to be rules in, like, certain cabals of people where they have a rule that they have to in some way or another announce the truth while also lying, you know? And so one could, using that twisted logic, think that the fact that today the President's probably going to say we're balin on Iran and that we're also going back to the moon on April Fools is clearly one of those things. And is it, Josh? Do you think it's one of those things?
- [27:13]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I think this dimensions the purge. That's what April Fools is. It's a lot. We don't kill each other, but we say what we really think and then put it out there and gaslight Everybody,
- [27:25]
Duncan Trussell
I don't know what you meant, but thank you. I applaud your bravery.
- [27:28]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I appreciate it.
- [27:29]
Duncan Trussell
Now, we'll come back to this. This is really. As always, NASA is really. This is exciting stuff. And to all my moonheads out there, I know that you probably want to stick on this, but let's take a little diversion. Pull up that Daily Mail article. Jo,
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Josh (Producer/Assistant)
give me one sec.
- [27:55]
Child or Audience Member
I'm going to the moon again. I'm going to the moon. It's my moon. I'm going to the moon. Daddy, Daddy. I'm going to the moon.
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Duncan Trussell
I'm going to the moon. I'm going to the moon.
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Child or Audience Member
Daddy, Daddy. I'm going back up to the moon. I can't wait to see that sweet old moon. Oh, the moon.
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Duncan Trussell
Okay, this is. Scroll down. Scroll back up so I can read it. Josh. This is from the Daily Mail. Mystery of, mystery of. Sorry, I'm distracted by the shirt advertisement.
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Child or Audience Member
There I got my daddy's temper and my mama
- [28:49]
Duncan Trussell
syphilis. Mystery of scientists dead or missing rises to eight as two more men tied to America's most coveted secrets join the list. Scroll down a little bit so I can read it. The ominous web of US scientists and lab employees who have died or gone missing continues to grow as two more cases have been linked to this disturbing trend. NASA scientist Frank Maywald reportedly died on July 4 in Los Angeles at the age of 61. But the case of death has never been made public, and officials confirmed that an autopsy was never performed. Maywald had been a prominent research at. This researcher at the space agency's Jet propulsion laboratory since 1999 and worked on multiple projects tied to advanced satellite technology that could scan Earth and other planets. In June 2023, just 13 months before his death, he was the lead researcher on a breakthrough that could help future space missions detect clear signs of life on other worlds. Despite Mewal being a JPL principal, an award given to scientists making outstanding individual contributions in their fields, NASA has never commented publicly on the scientist's death. All right, well, Daily Mail, you know, this is true. People die. It's sad, but NASA's got their hands full. Daily Mail. NASA's got their hands full. They're going to the moon. Okay, that's all hands on deck. And I'm sure that they will make a comment about this, but not, we're going to the moon on April Fool's Day. Look at this. Somebody needs to send this to the Daily Mail. Look at that. There's a moon cone right there. A little moon tube. Look at that. Look at that. What does that look like? That looks like a moon tube. And it all is real. Now cut back to the Daily Mail. That's real. Makes sense. Meanwhile, another mysterious disappearance has come to light at Los Alamos National Land Laboratory, one of America's key nuclear research facilities, bringing the total number of unexplained incidents to eight. Anthony Chavez, a former employee at Le until his retirement in 2017, vanished without a trace on May 4, 2025, just seven weeks before a key assistant at the same lab disappeared. Now, you might. And again, the Daily ma. This is what we do. This is what the human mind does. You might think to yourself, well, that does seem a little odd that two people working at the exact same laboratory disappeared. And one might even ask oneself, do I know anyone who's disappeared, like, completely? Like, if I ever. And then, you know, another thing you might be thinking is, what's the name of that lady whose mom just disappeared?
- [32:02]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I don't know.
- [32:02]
Duncan Trussell
You gotta know. It was big news. What was that, you guys? Lady whose mom just disappeared. She was, like, on the View or something. Nancy Guthrie. Nancy Guthrie's mom disappeared. Now go back to the miss. Now again, this is that still small. I feel like I need to give voice to the irrational so we can get to the rationale. That still small, quiet voice might ask a crazy question, which is, why did we completely focus on the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie's mother? Why was that the sole focus of pop culture for so long when these scientists. Two scientists vanished without a trace who were working at one of America's key nuclear research facilities? Now, you might think, you know, God, I mean, just for national security reasons alone, wouldn't you want to. Wouldn't we want to focus on that? I mean, not that we shouldn't focus on Nancy Guthrie's mom, but there's scientists who are making groundbreaking discoveries who've suddenly been dying or disappearing. Now, I'll show you why. Pull up a picture of Nancy Guthrie's mom. Look at that sweet lady. Look at that. Nancy Guthrie with her sweet mom. That's why. That's why. Yeah. Did Nancy Guthrie's mom come up with something where you could discover life on other planets? Was she working in, like, plasma research? No, but you know what she did do? Pull up a picture of Nancy Guthrie. Look at that. She made one of America's most wonderful people. That's Nancy. That's. Pull up the one with her neck. God, Josh. Pull up the one with her.
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Child or Audience Member
With her mom.
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Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Oh, sorry.
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Child or Audience Member
Look at that.
- [34:11]
Duncan Trussell
You're gonna Tell me. You're gonna tell me. We're gonna let this woman's disappearance. We're gonna let the disappearance of scientists overshadow or eclipse the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie's mama. That's the world you want to live in. No, not me. And no one rational wants to live in that world. That's Nancy fucking Guthrie. Every morning I wake up in the morning and I kissed the fucking ground. And I thank God for Nancy Guthrie and her mother, who made her in her womb. In her womb. And so. Look at that. Oh, my God. I've never even seen that one. And I have almost every picture of Nancy Guthrie and her mom. Pull up this Daily Mail again. Let's just get back into that. You know what? Cut to the live feed for just one second. I just need to take a. My allergies are acting up. My eyes are watering. Just pull up the live feed.
- [35:29]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
What's up?
- [35:35]
Duncan Trussell
All right. Pull up the daily mail. Whatever. Savannah Guthrie. Nancy Guthrie. I called. Somebody was commenting that I said the wrong name. I said that because I don't differentiate mother from daughter. Same person. So fuck you. Fuck you. Don't try to fact check me. It won't work. You're gonna lose. I'm certified. I'm a certified misinformation warrior. It won't work. 5 minutes off ban whoever posted that. Yeah. So as we. Let's go on. Two scientists disappeared. And let's see. The Daily Mail has reached out to Mawalt's family in the county of Los Angeles for comment on the circumstances. You know, if I was reaching out to Maywald's family, it would be to get their thoughts on the disappearance of the Guthrie mother is what I'd be asking about. Meanwhile, Chavez was last seen leaving his home in the Denver Steeles neighborhood of Los Alamos on foot. The longtime LA employee left his car locked in the driveway and did not take his wallet, keys or other personal items, which were all found inside Chavez's home. Although friends considered him an avid hiker, investigators noted that Chavez was not dressed for a long outdoor walk and did not take a phone with him in case of emergency. Emergency. LANL has not returned the Daily Mail's request for comment on the nature of Chavez's work at the high security nuclear lab. Again, guys like Daily Mail, My guess is that the people at LANL were probably focusing on the Guthrie disappearance or the moon landing on Today April Fools. They're probably excited about it. They don't have time. They'll get back to you. The facility was founded by the famed Manhattan Project during World War II. It has been tied to nuclear weapons research ever since. And one woman feared to possess those secrets is also missing now. Okay, again, an untrained mind hears this stuff and freaks the fuck out and thinks there's no way that's coincidental at all. But it is. People disappear all the fucking time. And it just happens. It's a big world. There's so many trees in this world. And if you've ever been in a place where there's a lot of trees gathered together, which they call a forest, you will notice it's easy to get lost. All you need is just clusters of trees and you're fucked. You're getting enough trees, you're fucked. And so, yeah, what does scientists love more than science? Hiking. Every scientist loves to hike. Every scientist I've ever met is an avid hiker. And sometimes when the call of the forest is strong enough, you're like, you know what? I'm leaving my wallet. I don't want to take my keys. I'm just going to go for a quick jaunt in the forest. We've all done it. We've all done it. I consider myself a scientist and I could be in the woods for five minutes. And once I went in the woods just to pee and I didn't come out of there for four days. I was so lost. So this is normal. People get lost. Los Alamos. Pull up. Forests near Los Alamos. Look at this. Look at these forests around Los Alamos. He's a hiker.
- [39:10]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Give me one second. I gotta do something.
- [39:12]
Duncan Trussell
He's a hiker. An avid hiker. So pull up. Best hikes in Los Alamos, around Los Alamos. Let's just pull this up. This is what. I will do the work for you today, but I want you to start doing this work. Look at that.
- [39:28]
Child or Audience Member
Damn.
- [39:29]
Duncan Trussell
Look at all those tree clusters and desert. Are you telling you can get fucking lost as fuck there.
- [39:34]
Day Stream Narrator
Caves?
- [39:36]
Duncan Trussell
You could easily. I would not be surprised if There. That place stinks of rotting scientist flesh. Just from all the scientists who vanished up there. Yeah. Let's go back to that Daily Mail article. Keep scrolling down this guy. Yeah, that's Anthony Chavez. And he disappeared. So if you know, if you've seen that dude on Tinder, he seems like. Former FBI Assistant Director Chris Swecker told the Daily Mail that even employees who do not work directly on top secret scientific research could be targeted by foreign spy agencies as they often have access. Well, that could be it. Keep scrolling down. Oh. Tennessee Congressman Tim Burchett. Said there have been several others throughout the country that have disappeared under suspicious circumstances. I think we ought to be paying attention to it. I think we ought to be paying attention to Guthrie. Not this. Not this. Let's go back to the moon landing stuff. So, no, don't look at this stuff anymore. If you guys see any kind of stuff about this appearing scientists related to plasma research, it's just ignore. That's it. Just ignore. Is that where we're at? Go to the end there, Josh. Let's see where we're at now. Here we go. They're getting ready to go to the moon. And that's exciting. With cupcake baked by one of the daughters. I love this story. Moon cupcakes. The next morning. Like, how awesome is that, right? Clearly he has that in his daughters. Christina said she took a bike ride with her husband and wanted to tell him when the moon rose, but that it was too foggy. But she said he was still very excited and happy for.
- [41:34]
Child or Audience Member
Yeah, the moon's.
- [41:36]
Duncan Trussell
Moon's still out there. The moon's still out there. I love that. Those are the. That's the tour bus, the Artemis tour bus. They just did this big tour of Miami. They went to a lot of festivals and raves. The astronauts did, which is fucking cool. And this is great. You will notice, I do want to point something out that it appears these photographers aren't masking, which kind of bugs me. Yeah, they're getting ready to go out there. Up. Dudes in the back are masking. That's good. Got some masks and people who care mask. That's good. All makes sense. Nothing's weird about this at all. This is exactly normal. Heart, heart, heart, heart, heart.
- [42:25]
Child or Audience Member
I'm doing a heart. Look at that. I'm an astronaut. I did a heart.
- [42:31]
Duncan Trussell
Heart bump. Heart bump. Here we go. You know one thing, though. I guess they're wearing diapers.
- [42:37]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Mm.
- [42:38]
Duncan Trussell
They have to. Cause, like, I feel like I would immediately have to take a shit once I was all zipped in, which still sucks, I guess. I doubt there. I don't know. Josh, can you Google if you poop in a spacesuit, can people smell it?
- [42:57]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Okay,
- [43:11]
Duncan Trussell
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- [46:15]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
But Most astronauts, about 70%, enjoy diaper play.
- [46:19]
Duncan Trussell
So who doesn't? Yeah, who doesn't? And I love diaper plays. I used to go see them all the time. They're so good.
- [46:28]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
By Huggies.
- [46:29]
Duncan Trussell
Huggies has the best ones, you know, like they went downhill, you know, my diaper with Andre, the Huggies thing, it was like, I don't know, it felt derivative. But yeah. So this is interesting. I didn't know that, that if you shit yourself inside your spacesuit, you will be. It makes sense. I just never connected the dots. You will be. You'll be smelling that and other astronauts will not. And that Seems rough in this case. Oh, they're getting in the van and that's it. I think they're taking them to the rocket right now. That is crazy, man. This is a big day. Look at that. Shutting the van. Historic door shut. Taking the thing. What was that? He took off the side of the van. That was weird. Go back, Josh. Go back a few seconds. Didn't.
- [47:29]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I think. I think it was a magnet to hold the door open.
- [47:31]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, okay, great. Exactly. Let's go back and look at that, though. We should analyze that, make sure there's nothing weird happening here and there isn't at all anything weird happening here.
- [47:48]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
This is how the Fantastic Four started.
- [47:50]
Duncan Trussell
Exactly. They're heroes going in. Oh, it's called an astro van. How cool is that? Like astronomy. That's fucking cool. God, I'd love to hear what they're saying in there right now. Fucking love to hear it.
- [48:12]
Child or Audience Member
I don't want to do this.
- [48:13]
Duncan Trussell
I don't want to do this, but
- [48:14]
Child or Audience Member
they're gonna kill my family. They're making all the scientists disappear.
- [48:20]
Duncan Trussell
Now what? Now we have to wait 4 hours and 28 minutes away from going back to the moon, probably. What time is Trump's address?
- [48:32]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Six o'.
- [48:33]
Child or Audience Member
Clock.
- [48:36]
Duncan Trussell
So this is five.
- [48:38]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I don't know if that's Central time.
- [48:40]
Duncan Trussell
Can you see what time the moon launches and what time Trump's address is? There's no way that he's doing the address at the same time as the moon launch. There's no fucking way.
- [48:51]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
6:24.
- [48:52]
Duncan Trussell
Okay, what time is Trump's address? There's no way. Nine. Okay, great. So he's not doing it at the same fucking time. This is. Man, what a day this is. This is the best April Fool's ever. Trump to address nation after saying US May leave Iran. That's fucking great. That's great. And yeah, I guess we should talk just a little bit, though. I like to avoid politics as much as possible on this podcast. But, you know the Strait of Hormuz, top of mind, isn't it? That's. We're all thinking about the straight of Hormuz. Wait, what is this?
- [49:42]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Because it was at 624. It's such like a exact number I've seen. If there's significance to the number 624.
- [49:50]
Duncan Trussell
Well, it's great. Good stuff. Yeah. Numerology 64, often viewed as a message to trust the universe, is providing for your needs, encouraging personal growth, and maintaining a positive mindset. It's also the area code for Western New York. Get that Shit off the screen. Get that fucking stupid, superstitious shit off the screen. This is what I've been fighting my whole life against. Who? It's nothing. It's a number. It's not weird at all. They pick that number. It's space stuff, Josh. Like, they have to do that number. And here we go. And it's a big deal that we're going to. To fly around the moon and then we can put a bow on it. We're done with the moon. We don't have to bother with it anymore. This is a little bow. Tie it up. We already did it. I have a feeling the reason that we're doing this now is because a lot of you people have been saying, there's no fucking way we did that. Put a bow on it. Just like we're going to put a bow on the war in Iran. We're done. We did it. It's over. We did it.
- [50:56]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
And then you know what happens tomorrow, right?
- [50:58]
Duncan Trussell
What?
- [50:59]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
That guy. This guy Bledsoe said that the constellation of Leo will align with the Sphinx and that the spheres of the aliens will rise up from the ocean and stop the Iranian Israel war.
- [51:13]
Duncan Trussell
Not gonna have to now. It's over.
- [51:15]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Oh, yeah. I guess Trump's beating him to it.
- [51:18]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah. The spheres will not come tomorrow because we did it. We're done. We did it. We. There'll be no repercussions at all from blowing up the entire government of Iran. I'm sure the new regime is, like, you know, totally not going to do anything weird. Why?
- [51:37]
Child or Audience Member
Why?
- [51:38]
Duncan Trussell
You know, when I think about. And I almost hate to say this because. And again, I don't want you guys to accuse me of being a nationalist all of a sudden, but it is the greatest country on Earth and we haven't done a single bad thing. And we. You know, there's many countries that have enemies, but not the United States. People love us globally. You go to any country and say, do you love the United States? They're like, yeah, Iraq. Go to Iraq. Every day is United States Day. Venezuela, they love us. Any. The burden of oil is. You can find my book, the Burden of Oil, New York Times bestseller, and it just talks about when you're in a country that has tons of oil, it's a burden for you and your people. And so the United States has been coming and relieving people of the burden of managing their oil supply. I mean, it's burdensome. It's a lot of work. Just paperwork. You know how much paperwork goes into, like, an oil order? Because they still do it by paper a lot. How many copies have to get made? The copiers are always running out of ink. And the United States comes in and helps people with their. Like, just the. The organizational part of distributing oil. Read my book, the Burden of Oil. Mark Levin wrote a great forward for it. You could find that on the new Grindr Publishing self publishing service. The reality is that the Iranian people and the Iranian regime were so stressed out with the distribution of oil that the United States had to do something to help. And you know how it is. When you get really stressed out, someone offers to help. Sometimes you're so flustered, you're like, I could do it all myself. And that's what the entire government of Iran was doing. They were all flustered. And so knowing that once you get to that level of stress, you're probably not going to relax again. You're going to live in hell. The United States wiped out the entire government. But the point I'm making is that in a world where the United States wasn't globally loved, and I shudder to think of that world. If that happened to us. You know, like, if another country wiped out most of our leadership and then a new group of people joined together to run the country, we'd all celebrate. We were like, thank God. You know, we. They were so. Our government was so stressed out, and now there's less stressed people running things. It's always going to be better. And then we would never do anything at all to fire back at the country that did that. We would be like, yeah, it's cool, no big deal. And I feel like the new regime in Iran is like, yeah, shit happens, dude, it's cool, no big deal. Look, you blew up a school or whatever and, you know, decimated us and all that, but I get it's cool, Trump, it's fine. We have no hard feelings. We definitely aren't gonna do anything to retaliate at all. And I feel like that's what Trump's gonna announce today, which is fucking great. It's fucking great. Another victory. Another victory. In and out, no big deal. We don't need the straight of fucking Hormuz. It's only, what, 1/8th of the world's oil supply? No big deal. 1/5, 1/1 whatever. 1/5. 1/8 base. Basically the same. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's not going to affect gasoline prices at all.
- [55:42]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Well, they just tokenized oil recently. Perfect crypto, perfect.
- [55:45]
Duncan Trussell
It'll be fine. I mean, that's your way of saying That's a crypto bros way of saying, it's going to be fine. It's going to be fine. Nothing to be worried about at all right now. That's my message for you today. It's spring, baby. Let's cut to brass tacks. The true reality of things is it doesn't matter what these old fucking diaper wearing crusty oligarch reptilians do. Ultimately, it doesn't matter. Let them fucking do their stupid thing. They're always gonna fuck shit up. Why are they doing this? Show that again? Why are they doing this like a. The Super Bowl? This is the weirdest thing, man. The NASA, the new NASA, like trying to get people to reconnect with NASA by. I saw one where that. Yeah, why are they doing that? It's so weird. It's so weird. I don't mean to go back on everything I said, but that fucking improvised whatever the fuck I just did went on by like I'd say about 30 to 40 minutes too long. Why are they touching their arm? Why are they doing this? Well, anyway, I love spring. It's my favorite. When it finally happens, the winter's over, the leaves are growing back on the trees. It's just the most incredible middle finger in the face of everything. Spring is just like, fuck off. Fuck you, you negative fucks. Fuck you, you cynical people. Fuck your hopelessness. Fuck off. Things always get better. Even when things are horrible. They get better in the middle of things being horrible. They can get better even then stay horrible at the same time. You know what I'm saying? Josh, you ever had that experience where like, in the middle of just horrendous catastrophe, something sticks out that is so beautiful and sweet and suddenly you feel fine and then you're like, what the fuck? I'm happy. You ever have that happen?
- [58:07]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Yeah. That's why I'm wearing my NASA shirt today.
- [58:11]
Child or Audience Member
Ah, look at that, guys. Josh representing NASA.
- [58:16]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, I'm sorry.
- [58:18]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
There you go.
- [58:27]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, boy. Here we go. I'm gonna. Okay, I'm gonna jump in the chat now. And I want to address something Jess9371 is saying, and this is a controversy I meant to address up front. Okay. I have an onlyfans. I'm not ashamed of that. I think there's nothing wrong with onlyfans. I think it's fucking great. It empowers women and it's really good. And men too. I have beautiful feet and I always have. Ever since I was a kid. People have noticed my feet all the time. Stunning feet. And so, yeah, I've got a family now. I want to. I got to make ends meet. And so I started an only fans a few years ago and make a spectacular amount of money from it. Insane amounts of money from my feet. Art. And I call it art. It's not prawn, it's art. And there's stories I tell with my feet. There's healing. People have reported being healed just from looking at my feet, like, just pictures. People have reported arthritis going away. People have reported hair growing back. People have reported financial miracles in their own lives from one look at my feet. Now this is my cross to bear. You know, how often have you heard a beautiful woman talk about how it's not easy? Like, you think I just get to go anywhere I want and that I'm treated like a goddess anywhere I go. But that is not easy because you start feeling like nobody cares what's going on inside. Nobody cares. That's the burden of having beautiful feet. And again, I don't want to do the thing. I'm blessed to have these feet. God blessed me with beautiful, erotic, sensual feet. You know, I can hold a cucumber in my feet and throw it up, spin it, catch it with my feet again, friction on the cucumber. That's one of the. One of my go on. My only fans. The link will be down below. But it's me, like applying friction with my feet to a cucumber and it turns into a pickle right in between my feet. So that's. Nobody even knows how that works because it could actually transform the entire pickling industry because there's like, you know, usually you have to like, put it in a cucumber and a brine. I don't honestly have no idea how you make pickles. I think you put it in a salt water, it makes a pickle. I'm guessing from when you drink pickle brine, which I love to do. Good for your gut biome. But I can turn a cucumber into a pickle with my feet. And people been reaching out from big pickle to ask, like, you know, and also I got threats. I guess that's one of the big secrets is they don't want people to know. You don't have to put it in a brine. You could apparently just. Or their feet. My toes are very bendy and so, like, I can, I can. It's hard to do it without my feet, but I can do this and then my toes can do this. I can. I can play like a little tiny drum with my feet. With my toes while doing this. It's hard to do with this, but
- [62:06]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
the dexterity in your toes is incredible.
- [62:08]
Duncan Trussell
Did you say dexterity?
- [62:09]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
No, the dexterity.
- [62:10]
Duncan Trussell
You said dexterity. Don't do that. Don't do that. Please don't do that. Please don't allude to, like, some disgusting vulgarity. Please don't do that. We're not doing that. We're not doing that kind of comedy here. We don't do that kind of comedy here.
- [62:27]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
No, I was just saying.
- [62:28]
Duncan Trussell
The answer is no.
- [62:29]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Your toes move well.
- [62:30]
Duncan Trussell
No, the answer is no. They do move well, and I'm blessed. But no, what you're pointing towards is disgusting. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. But, like, I can actually heat a hot dog up with my feet. Like, fun barbecues at my place because I don't even have to use the grill. I just lay back, people toss me the dog, heat it right up, and I could flip it with my feet right back into the bun. People love it. It's like one of the. Like, people love it. It's a joy. So again, I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, but I've had this onlyfans, and now there's a new thing where people who invade these streams and who come here just to hurt my feelings or to, like, sow discord, they are now saying, well, then show us your feet if they're so beautiful. And it's, like, not to be, like, a capitalist piece of shit, but it's like when you're at the gym and you get a doctor to look at a tumor on your face. Don't do that. Go to the doctor. You want to see my feet? Go to my onlyfans. Links are down below. Plenty of stuff. Join my onlyfans. You'll be supporting my family. You'll be supporting the foot community. You'll be supporting pickling. It's a good thing for you to go to. But I'm not gonna show you. I'm not gonna do that. And please stop asking, who's that?
- [64:10]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
No, they just kept saying, read my super chat again and again.
- [64:15]
Duncan Trussell
Oh, don't bl. Let them. Can they still see? What's this? I'll read their super chat. I have a. On the night stream. I saw you put Bates on a timeout. That's one of our spamming people from the night stream. He's called baitzar the Menace. Okay, we got some super chats here. Thank you so much, you guys. Gattis, why are they aiming at the sun, though? Is it orbit math? Look, I don't know. When scientists do things, I don't question it at all. I'm sure there's a reason for it. That's a cool thing. When someone is a scientist, you don't even have to question anything they say. Saves you a lot of time. Andrew, thank you for the super chat. NASA SpaceX equals 33 special purpose a key comp 33. Ah, yeah. Yep. That's what I've been want. That's what I've. That is true And I agree. JSS, thank you. Is saying Noomby spaces for COVID 19. That's why you need to get at least 6% of people right before you go to the moon to mask. Because it completely removes the risk of COVID Amanita.
- [65:32]
Child or Audience Member
Hello.
- [65:33]
Duncan Trussell
Healing vibes to you get well, you're a national treasure. You're hearing my voice. I'm better now. This is just some residual shit from getting sick with some kind of family gump gunk, skunk, some gross shit. Hey, dummy. Thank you so much. Here's $5 for the cause April Fools.
- [65:57]
Child or Audience Member
It was $10. Thank you. So you got me. You got me.
- [66:02]
Duncan Trussell
Thank you for the super chat. I do appreciate it. Friends, listen, this is a big day and I don't like it when comedians get all high roady and tell you what to do. But I'm gonna just. I'm gonna do it. We live in perfect times. Things right now are perfect. You know, I was writing in my journal the other day, and every once in a while when you're writing, you're like, whoa. I thought of that. I wrote, the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And I wrote that. And I paused in the cafe, you know, I took a big deep sip of my Frappuccino and I looked at what I'd written and it's like, oh, my God, that is so beautiful. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself and feel free. You can have that. Put it on a shirt, use it. But it's true. There's nothing really to be afraid of except being afraid. It does no good for you, for the people around you. Fear turns into anger. Anger turns into bad decisions. Bad decisions turn into bad karma. Bad karma turns into infinite horrific incarnations in various hell realms, which then maybe you'll get a human birth again in a few millennia. So don't be afraid. We are in the greatest time in all of human history. And the, you know, the news, or what I call the. What do I call the news? Josh Gospel. No. No, what? No, I call the. I call the news fake news. Ah, yes, the fake news. Might have you believe that there's some maniac running the fucking country right now. Robber barons and all that bullshit. No, fake news will probably, like, you know, have you wondering why all this shit's happened on April Fool's Day. Might have you thinking. It seems like these oligarch reptilian pieces of shit think we're fucking idiots and are at the point of now just like just casually humiliating us over and over again because we won't do anything about it. But the truth of the matter is, is that even if that were true, they're wrong. I mean, the point is, look at these old pieces of shit. Pull up a picture of Lindsey Graham at Disney World. Oh, yeah. This powerful episode of the DTFH has been brought to you by my friends, and I do mean friends at bluechew. These are boner alchemists. They're not turning lead into gold. They're turning you hard. And it works. I love them. I love them. I use them. I like it. I like having access to that these days. You know, this isn't exactly the most romantic erotic time in human history. And I am not ashamed to say that Blue Chew is an ally when it comes to my boners. Bluechew is a friend of my boners. They could be your friend too. Bluechew gold is the newest innovation from the number one chewable Ed brand. It's not your grandpa's little blue pill. This is the four in one beast that's setting the gold standard for performance. We're talking two ingredients for blood flow to keep that rocket bumping, mixed with apomorphine and oxytocin to turn up the arousal and connection in your brain and body. Bluechew gold dissolves under your tongue and works in as little as 15 minutes. That means you can get it on quicker and stay in the game longer. Elevation without hesitation. Mainly, I could just completely confirm that it works. It works very well. Make life easier by getting harder and discover your options@bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. Get 10% off your first month of Bluechew Gold with code Duncan. That's promo code duncan. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. That psychotic fucker went to Disney World. This is a guy who has been proclaiming his passionate desire for. For United States to blow up another country, who's like, probably had Some influence on us. Going in there, killing a bunch of kids. And this fucking psycho is wandering around children with some kind of, like, dog dick in his hand. That's just my dog dick I just carry, you know, I love carrying my dog dick anywhere I go. It's a beacon of truth. It reminds me that we live in the greatest country on Earth. This is actually not a dog dick. It's a dragon dick, because the United States is like a dragon. And we're going to get beautiful boots on the ground, beautiful polished boots of American soldiers. This shit can't last. I mean, that's. Whenever I look at Lindsey Graham, I just think, well, if this can't last, there's no fucking way. There's no way this is working anymore. I think there was a time where this stuff worked where, like, people would look at some psycho like that and somehow make it work in their heads. I just don't think it's happening anymore. And that's good news,
- [72:51]
Ryan Seacrest (Ad Voice)
really.
- [72:51]
Duncan Trussell
They think they're embarrassing us, but they're. They're embarrassing themselves flailing right now. It's just not working. And the real reason it's not working brings us to the core of this show. Pull up a picture of the Great Pyramid of Giza, Josh. There you go. So what. What we're looking at here is one of the most hideous fucking sites that you can look at. And I apologize for even pulling it up on the screen. Is it on the screen? This? Of course. These are pyramids. And right there in the middle is the Great Pyramid because it's bigger than the other fucking pyramids. But the Great Pyramid of Giza sucks balls. It is a whore's nest, and it is a monument to idiocy. And more than that, it is an emanator of darkness. For so long, the Great Pyramid has sat undisturbed in the middle of the fucking desert, blasting and belching out its hell rays and hell beams and various foul emanations, contaminating the psychic atmosphere of our planet with something akin to. It's a. You know, actually, there's a parallel here. If you're an astronaut, you shit in your spacesuit, you're going to be smelling that. If you're an earthling and there's a pyramid, it's the same exact phenomena. The pyramid is like. It's like someone froze astronaut diarrhea and compressed it into that horrible, horrible shape, and it's stinking up the planet. The pyramid is why we have Lindsey Graham. The pyramid is why we have Donald Trump. The pyramid is why we have classism. The pyramid is why the oligarchs are running the show. The Pyramid is why ChatGPT glazes you. The pyramid is why you can't get ChatGPT to generate an image of a scientist being incinerated by claymation animals. The pyramid is why inshitification is happening. The pyramid is why obvious things that should be working are no longer working. The pyramid is why. And so it would be easy to get all tangled up in going out to a protest and marching, organizing, gathering together with your comrades. Recognizing the one beautiful thing that does happen when you gather together with a group of people is within like four or five minutes, you realize you're infinitely more powerful than any regime. You could do that. Go ahead. I'm not telling you not to. But while you guys are having your little fucking mahjong parties, daddy here is gonna fucking go to the head of the fucking snake. And that is the Great Pyramid of Giza. While you guys are gathering around organizing, which again, I'm not saying you shouldn't. I'm not dissuading you, like, go ahead. But it's. It. You know what? It's a little bit like. It's a little bit like someone shits in a toilet and you take the water out and put it through a water filter. I'm saying, let's flush that turd and then we can drink out of the toilet. That's what we're going to do. We're going to get rid of the fucking pyramid. The Great Pyramid of Giza is going bye bye. And this is known as Operation Beast Blast. This is why I do what I do. This is why I have an OnlyFans. This is why I have a podcast. This is. Anything I've ever made is directed towards this Operation Beast Blast. It's simple. I need to get more subscribers than Mr. Beast. Josh, how many subscribers have we gotten this month?
- [77:05]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
22,000, I believe.
- [77:07]
Duncan Trussell
This month, thanks to you, the DTFH on YouTube has gotten 22,000 subscribers. That is insane. How many subscribers does Mr. Beast have now? What's our total subscribers?
- [77:22]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Total subscribers is
- [77:26]
Duncan Trussell
184,000 now, Mr. Beast. 474 million 474 million. We're creeping up on him. We're creeping up on him, Josh. Yeah, we are creeping up on Mr. Beast.
- [77:39]
Child or Audience Member
Now, why?
- [77:40]
Duncan Trussell
You might wonder why. Why are you focusing on Mr. Beast's subscriber count? Simple. He's the most popular YouTube channel, and the amount of money he generates every month is more than the economies of most countries. And so, step one, we got to get more subscribers than Mr. Beast. People have already started contributing. You can, too. People have already started making their own art. They've been bringing that to shows, but that's not enough. You could put stuff. You could make posters and put it around your town. You could make pamphlets, flyers. You don't have to bring people back to my channel if you don't want to. My main goal is to raise awareness, Pyramid awareness. You can just say you feel bad because of the Great Pyramid at Giza. That's a great poster. Get that anywhere you can raise awareness. People will come here naturally. Start your own groups, your own clubs. Talk to your family, talk to your grandparents. Explain to them that the reason that things have gone south is not because the current way that we elect our leaders happens to be essentially a method of choosing sociopaths. We just want to find the most convincing narcissistic sociopath that becomes the president. There's a reason it's working like that. It's because of the influence of the Great Pyramid of Giza. So here's the steps. One, I need more subscribers than Mr. Beast. We're well on our way. Well on our way, thanks to you. Two, once I get more subscribers than Mr. Beast, according to my financial advisors, within two months, maybe three, I will have enough money to buy the Great Pyramid of Giza. I've already talked to the Egyptian government. They are so, so excited to get that fucking thing off their hands. Maintenance alone is horrible. Cleaning the pyramids, it's a nightmare. There's two things you got to clean from the pyramids. Two things. Dead animals. Dead animals, they go up there and they just die. Cats, they just go up there and fucking die. Egyptian street cats, they love to die on the pyramid. So the upper levels of the pyramids are covered with the rotting carcasses of Egyptian street cats. You go a little further up past that field of feline bones, and what you're going to find is discarded condoms filled with dusty, dried jizz. Because people go up there and they love to have exhibitionist sex. And they say once you get to the upper levels of the pyramid, the stench of balls is so pungent and so foul that you. The other thing you see up there is vomit, just puddles of dried vomit from the people who go up there to clean it. Like being overcome by the stench of rotting cats and dried, sweaty balls. They just barf everywhere. It's a nightmare. And my heart goes out to the Egyptian government for being cursed with such proximity to one of the to the worst thing on earth. We're taking it off their hands. And by the way, other people have tried to buy the fucking Pyramid of Giza. Jeff Bezos, for example, but not to do what I'm going to do with it. Jeff Bezos wanted to buy the Great Pyramid of Giza because he wanted to turn it into a bookstore. Not me. Not me. I'm not going to turn it into a mall, not going to turn into a bookstore, not going to turn it into some kind of like massive Egyptian deli. No, I'm going to blow the fucker up. I'm going to blow it up. You're going to blow it up with me. All of you. All of my subscribers from what will be called the early days of Operation Beast Blast, you will be flown out to Egypt, where we're going to have the greatest festival of all time already in pre, pre negotiations with Kanye west to perform. And what we're going to do is we are going to saw off that fucking capstone and we are going to hollow that motherfucker out. Not to the bottom, because the bottom of the pyramid isn't the bottom of the pyramid. It goes deep down there, baby. We're going all the way down, all the way down. And we're gonna fill it with Diet Coke, maybe Dr. Pepper, maybe Mountain Dew. A lot of various beverage companies are, including Liquid Death are like really interested in being the sponsor. It will be a soda of some soda brand. We're gonna fill it to the top and then we're going to fill that motherfucker with Mentos. Now the explosion, the explosion will decimate the Great Pyramid of Giza. We'll have a proprietary titanium fencing unit around the pyramid. You'll be able to see it clearly, but fragments from the pyramid will not hurt you. A lot of people are worried about that. Now. You're gonna have front row seats not just to the pyramid, getting the fuck off our planet, but to Kanye west performing while we blow that motherfucker sky high. That's Operation Beast Blast. And the moment we do that, there's theories on what will happen. One theory is that Lindsey Graham will immediately turn into a fly covered wet pile of dog shit, which is what apparently he really is. I don't know if you heard that or not. A lot of people say some of these scientists that disappeared are responsible for creating Lindsey Graham. I guess they. One of them like, I'm sorry, this is like a little adult. I hope there are no kids watching. Apparently one of them gave a hand job to a Badger jerked a badger off onto a pile of wet dog shit and immediately. And it just grew into Lindsey Graham. Now, I don't know if that's true. Could be misinformation, but stranger things have happened. And if that is the case, we get rid of the fucking pyramid, Lindsey Graham will go back to being a wet pilot dog. Shit on some cracked driveway in, like, a trailer park. And we'll be free.
- [84:25]
Ryan Seacrest (Ad Voice)
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. You don't want to miss the annual beauty event. For big savings on all your favorite beauty products now through April 28, spend $25 on participating products and save $5. Shop in store or online for items like Billie Women's razors, Billie Body Buffer or Body Wash Native hand Soap, Neutrogena makeup remover tablets, and Q Tips. And save $5 when you spend $25. Offer ends April 28. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [84:56]
WSECU Ad Voice
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- [85:24]
Duncan Trussell
Washington let's Credit Union, your super chats, your subscriptions, all of it helps become a member. Even better. All of these things help. But just watching helps. Your emojis help. Everything helps to bring us one step closer to a pyramid free planet. Albert says I'm about to throw up in my mouth. Well, you don't have to. You could open your mouth and throw up on your. On your floor. I highly recommend it, Drew Lewis. Oh, here we go. Drew the blasphemer. You're compromised. A very noble and highly respected astronaut, NASA Jim warned us of all this a decade ago on his deathbed. Look, man, look. Drew the blasphemer. If I'm compromised, I'm compromised by freedom. I'm compromised by the desire for all human beings to join together and recognize that a hypnotic spell has been cast on us by a very small group of powerful demons. Demon possessed people. And that we're actually sharing a planet. And that we don't have to blow each other up if we're arguing. People like you don't like that, Drew. People like you, you love it. You love the. What else I wrote in my journal the other day? Some people just want to see the world burn. And that's you, Drew. That's you. I don't. I don't want the world to burn. And it's on fire right now with an invisible fire. The fire of the Great Pyramid of Giza. And so now I'm not compromised, Drew. I'm not compromised. But I gotta wonder about you sometimes, Drew. I wonder who pays your bills. I wonder how you can afford $4.99 for a super chat. Kind of scratching my chin on that one. Wonder where you're getting your funding from. Blasphemer. Maybe I'll have some of my people look into you.
- [87:26]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I look into them.
- [87:27]
Duncan Trussell
Yeah.
- [87:27]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Okay.
- [87:28]
Duncan Trussell
Get on it. Josh is gonna look into you, Drew. How about that Damn space goes 444 $20 super chat. Duncan, you should use the Ped egg. Oh. Oh, my God. On your feet. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I got offended for a second because I thought you were implying that I needed to get rid of my calluses and sell the shavings. It's that cheese grater. I know what a Ped Egg is. It's that cheese grater looking thing where you shave the dry skin off your feet and it goes into that container. People can sprinkle it on Caesar salad. Not the first time my fans have asked for this. I have no doubt this is a subscriber to my only fans. I guess the only confusion would be, you've seen my feet. You're not getting cheese off those babies. They are smooth as river stones. Smooth as river stones. So I would have to fake it. And I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that. But I do love Ped eggs. They're beautiful. They're great. I love watching people at the airport using a Ped egg, which I've seen before, watching them grate their feet. It's a great way to wrap up this day stream. For those of you who enjoyed this, I would like to invite you to the Night Stream. It's a little. It's a little different, the Night Stream. It's not. It's not oppressed by the tyranny of Josh, who, like, has incredible. How many. His rule book. I feel like I'm at a fucking hoa here. The things you can say. He won't let me say certain things that I want to say. I'm completely censored because of his rules.
- [89:10]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
I mean, you can Say what you want to say, but you know there's consequences, so do what you want to do.
- [89:14]
Duncan Trussell
You beat my ass. You beat me up.
- [89:20]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
It's one of the things you can't say, though.
- [89:25]
Duncan Trussell
I'm just joking about that. Of course he doesn't fucking beat the shit out of me if I curse too much on this show or if I say certain things. But the Night Stream, I'm free. I'm free. It happens almost every night. Might even happen tonight. You could find it. It's gonna be on this channel also. Come see my shows. I'm coming to. The fuck am I coming to? Josh. Next week I'm gonna be in Oklahoma. Let me see here.
- [89:56]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
And Drew is sponsored by Biddy Tarot. Card. I found you, Drew. That's who he's getting paid by.
- [90:01]
Duncan Trussell
By who? Bidet Tarot.
- [90:03]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Yeah, I guess he said Biddy, but I guess Bidet.
- [90:06]
Duncan Trussell
He can't spell Bidet. That's why he said Biddy. Bidet Taro.
- [90:10]
Josh (Producer/Assistant)
Yeah.
- [90:11]
Duncan Trussell
Fucking disgusting. You can find me on tour. Come hang out with me. Oh, no. I'm going to be in Rosemont. Why'd I think Oklahoma? That's next. I'm going to be in Rosemont, Illinois, at Zany's April 9th through the 11th. Kid tickets in advance. I had the great honor of selling out the Denver Comedy Works this last weekend. Thank you to all who came to those shows. By the way, those were. I think that was my favorite weekend in all the time I've done standup. April 16, you can find me in Tulsa at the Bricktown Comedy Club. April 23rd, I'm going to be in Jacksonville, Florida, at the Comedy Zone. Many, many more dates after that. Maybe too many dates, but you can find all the dates at Duncan Trussell. Come see me live. Help support Operation Beast Blast. Meet your family in person. You never know. You could meet someone and make love to them that night. You never know. This has been a joy. I must sign up, Head on out, head home and watch the incredible pre show for the launch to the moon. And then after that, I'm gonna watch our president say that there's no more war in Iran. We did it. So a good day. And you made it that much better. Hare Krishna, God go with you. I'll see you on the night stream. Goodbye.
- [91:47]
Ryan Seacrest (Ad Voice)
Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. You don't want to miss the annual beauty event for big savings on all your favorite beauty products. Now through April 28, spend $25 on participating products and save $5. Shop in store or online for items like Billie Women's Razors, Billi Body Buffer or Body Wash, Native Hand Soap, Neutrogena Makeup Remover Tablets and Q Tips, and save $5 when you spend $25. Offer ends April 28. Restrictions apply. Offers may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.
- [92:17]
Kohler Ad Voice
When Kohler, global design leader in luxurious kitchen and bath products, asked me to be their ambassador for timeless, elegant, durable cast iron, I said, I'm in. Soon after, I was in their Kohler, Wisconsin foundry watching molten iron, poured enamel applied by hand, and the beautiful finished pieces ready to ship. Since 1883, Kohler cast iron has been crafted by incredible artisans, and seeing it firsthand gave me a whole new appreciation for their craftsmanship. Now I'm proud to lend my stamp of approval to my favorite Kohler cast iron products for their durability, beauty and enduring style. Shop my curated pics@kohler.com as the Kohler Cast Iron Ambassador, I say, long live Cast Iron.
- [93:09]
Sheba Cat Food Ad Voice
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