Episode 339 – Stuart Laws / Monsieur Format

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Ed Gamble & Matthew Crosby on Radio X – Episode 339: Stuart Laws / Monsieur Format

Published: December 21, 2025
Duration: 8am–11am (recorded highlights)

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Episode Overview

This festive edition of Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby’s Sunday breakfast show delivers a characteristically chaotic blend of comedy, listener interaction, and irreverent festive spirit. The episode features comedian Stuart Laws (“Monsieur Format”) as a guest, an ongoing hunt for the thickest listener stories in the annual "12 Listeners of Thickmas," plenty of music chat, game show antics, and playful digs at each other’s life choices and holiday plans. Expect recurring nonsense, warmth, puns, and signature improvisational energy.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. Christmas Chaos & Listener Banter

[00:10–05:56]

• The hosts discuss Christmas stress (Ed likens himself to Gil from The Simpsons), gigging, and listener emails.
• Listener Mick Chen's bar sketch and bodily function talk adds the signature gross-out humor.
• Recap of listener submissions for the 12 Thickmas Listeners song.

Notable Quote:
Ed Gamble [00:38]: “My happy place is being stressed by a little bit too much work.”

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2. Opening Riffs & Improvised Intros

[06:01–09:12]

• Matthew decides to improvise the show’s intro, with Ed acting as improv partner; the scenario: “shoe salesman in the Arctic.”
• Tangents on writing rehearsed content versus embracing off-the-cuff radio chaos.

Notable Quote:
Matthew Crosby [06:51]: “As an artist, I have to evolve.”

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3. Christmas (Lack of) Plans

[09:13–10:45]

• Ed and Matthew debate who has less Christmas plans, then elaborate a scheme to rent each other’s kids for festive “grandchildren” duties at their parents’ houses.
• In-jokes about disguising as an armchair and plans dissolving on live radio.

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4. Clutchmas & Heavy Metal Gigs

[11:08–15:46]

• Ed recounts going to a Clutch gig, his “Clutchmas” tradition, and being on the guest list for the first time.
• Discussion on being seated at rock shows (“I want to dance, I want to shout”), proper gig behavior, and drinking capacity.

Notable Quote:
Ed Gamble [15:14]: “You only have one pint of blood, don’t you? Because you’re so small.”
Matthew Crosby [15:19]: “You should never be drinking double your blood.”

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5. Festive Band Silliness & Listener Stories

[17:42–18:14, 19:17–20:55]

• Stuart joins in as they react to punk songs, compare listeners' intelligence to their own (“you are, of course, incredibly thick”), and read out “Thickmas” submissions.

Listener “Thickmas” Moments:

• Believing barbers are left-handed due to the mirror effect.
• Thinking MI5 was actually blown up after seeing it in James Bond.
• Accidental rudeness at a children’s petting zoo: “Was no thanks to you.” — Kelsey [20:22]

Notable Quote:
Matthew Crosby [20:42]: "I made eye contact with the kids, big smile on my face, and went: 'Was no thanks to you.'"

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6. Stuart Laws – Guest Interview ("Monsieur Format")

[21:26–32:45]

A. Foodie Judgments & Cheese Chat

• Stuart’s dislike for cheese sparks a debate, including his controversial stance against raw onion and “pizza without cheese: tomato bread.”
• Everyone riffs on the idea of trauma-based food aversions and “being on the cheese-hating spectrum.”

B. The Beer Mat Flipping Championship

• Stuart explains his annual comedians’ pub games event—February 10, 2026 at the Pleasance, London.
• Matthew recalls his competitive streak and Phil Wang’s status as reigning champ.
• Hilarious “old man pub games” nostalgia: burning cigarette paper, coin-catching, etc.

C. “Monsieur Format” & “Michael Caine Saying Never for an Hour”

• Laws plugs his experimental show where he and Nish Kumar (“Sir Christopher Nolan”) re-enact Michael Caine’s wild reading of “Never” from Batman Begins—said 328 times in an hour.
• Emphasis that it’s for people who already think it sounds funny.

D. “Is it a Bone?” Panel Show & Live “Is it a Phone?” Parody

• Stuart’s online panel show (hosted by Sam Lake) is “House of Games, but the only question is ‘Is it a bone?’”
• Ed invents “Is it a phone?” on-air, prompting a derailed segment when coffee almost spills on equipment and Producer Vin frets on-air.
• Peak example of improvised Radio X-style mayhem.

Notable Quotes:
Stuart Laws [22:34]: “I got aggressively torn apart on Reddit for my raw onion opinion.”
Ed Gamble [25:05]: “You eat tomato on toast.”
Matthew Crosby [26:28]: “Game over for entertainment, unfortunately.”

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7. Special Stuart Laws Question & Classic Listener Submissions

[35:17–36:59]

• Stuart delivers a new “great question” for the show: “Why am I always in the thoroughfare?” (i.e., always standing in the way at gigs and public places).
• Matthew and Ed riff on this shared social experience, already positioning it as a new running gag.

Notable Quote:
Stuart Laws [36:12]: “Why am I always in the thoroughfare?”
Ed Gamble [36:40]: “You are always in the thoroughfare of great comedy.”

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8. Further “Thickmas” Highlights

[37:09–41:13]

• Standout listener “thick” stories, e.g.:
  • Asking if Lydia (the bride at her wedding) is married yet.
  • Forgetting to put mugs under coffee pod machines (twice).
  • Eating a rubber radiator mount thinking it’s a black olive.
  • Putting milk in cupboards, spoons in the fridge.

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9. Christmas Music & Rick Astley Gushing

[50:16–54:56]

• Ed champions Foo Fighters’ “Run Rudolph Run” as the greatest Christmas (and Foo Fighters) song.
• Bold declaration of love for Rick Astley’s “Love This Christmas."
• Ed recounts awkwardly praising Rick Astley in person, with Rick thinking he’s being mocked.

Notable Quote:
Ed Gamble [50:25]: “That is my favourite Christmas song. The Foo Fighters version of Run, Rudolph, Run is the best Christmas song. Don’t debate me.”

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10. The Twelve Listeners of Thickmas Song

[56:00–58:14]

• The annual tradition: Matthew writes and performs a song summarizing the thickest listener stories sent in.
• Song features lines like “Thought hairdressers were left handed,” “Ibuprofen on a biscuit,” and “Is Lydia wed?”
• Meta jokes about how anyone can make it in if they submit on the day the song is written.

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11. Closing Chatter & Recommendations

[59:18–60:58]

• Ed reflects on singing more on the radio than “Frank Ocean,”
• Quick-fire recommendations: Nathan Fielder’s “The Rehearsal” S2; Romesh’s play; “Sipping on Voddie With Ricky G” (Sam Campbell’s skit).
• Surprise studio invasion by Danny Wallace (“I always thought you’d be taller!” running gag).
• Good-natured Christmas wishes and final chaos as the next radio team enter.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Matthew Crosby [36:15]: “I’m in the thoroughfare. God, I’m in the thoroughfare.”
• Ed Gamble [15:24]: “Never drink double your blood.”
• Stuart Laws [24:45]: “Oh, it says I’m a cheese hater. I’m on the cheese hating spectrum.”
• Listener story [39:23]: “Wine trees” for “grapevine” and “land octopus” for spider.
• Listener story [41:07]: “I’m pretty sure I’ve thrown all our teaspoons in the bin inside a yoghurt pot.”

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Timestamps for Featured Segments

• [00:10–05:56] — Festive intro, emails, and bodily function chat
• [06:01–09:12] — Scripted vs improvisational intro (improv: shoe salesman in the Arctic)
• [11:08–15:46] — Clutch gig report, rock show etiquette, aging
• [19:17–20:55] — Listener “Thickmas” story highlights
• [21:26–32:45] — Stuart Laws interview: food traumas, beer mat flipping, “Monsieur Format,” “Is it a Bone?”
• [35:17–36:59] — “Why am I always in the thoroughfare?” question
• [37:09–41:13] — Listener thick stories compilation
• [50:16–54:56] — Ed’s Christmas song rankings, Rick Astley encounter
• [56:00–58:14] — The 12 Listeners of Thickmas Song
• [59:18–60:58] — Show close, recommendations, Danny Wallace pop-in

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Episode Tone & Style

The show is upbeat, absurd, self-deprecating, and messy in the best way—a blend of panel show energy, pub banter, and enthusiastic listener interaction. Ed, Matthew, and Stuart Laws share a camaraderie that hums with in-jokes and repeat motifs (thick listeners, Christmas plans, gigging mishaps, cheese trauma, and “thoroughfare” woes). They riff wildly but keep it connected, offering running gags and song parodies alongside genuine warmth for the audience.

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Final Thoughts

For fans of British alternative comedy and looser broadcast formats, this episode is pure Christmas comfort listening, packed with new catchphrases ("I'm in the thoroughfare!"), holiday giggles, and the unique joy of celebrating the silliest mistakes. The 12 Listeners of Thickmas live up to their name, the interview with Stuart Laws sparkles with niche charm, and the closing segments radiate warmth and improvisational chaos.

If you missed it:

• Tune in for the annual “Thickmas” round-up
• Enjoy the mock gameshow "Is it a Phone?"
• Don’t miss Stuart Laws being grilled for his cheese aversion
• Stick around for the closing treat: The 12 Listeners of Thickmas Song

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“Put a smile on your butternut squash!” – Ed Gamble [19:01]

“Why am I always in the thoroughfare?” – Stuart Laws [36:12]

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Podcast available via Global Player and catch-up on Radio X.

Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

This is a Global Player original podcast.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hello there, Jingle Bells. It's Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby here on Radio X, doing the podcast that we do, the radio show that we do. We're basically going to do this bit and then we'll play the highlights from the radio show.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

And then we'll do another little bit at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. And I have currently got the energy of a stressed parent hosting Christmas because I am currently compiling the 12 listeners.

[Matthew Crosby]

Of Thickness to sing the song at the end.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm gonna sing a song at the end of the show.

[Matthew Crosby]

You seem very stressed about it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but that's just like. It's like my. My happy place is being stressed by a little bit too much work. You must. You must relate to that.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're like Gil in the Simpsons.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely. If I am not sweating and loosening my tie. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I'm absolutely. I'm very much like old Gil. I've heard some good leads.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But no, this is gonna. It's gonna be. It's gonna be a good one. There's some fantastic entries. You're gonna love. Love the Thickness entries we have in this show. And you're gonna love them in song form as well. Should we do some. Oh, let's just very quickly.

[Matthew Crosby]

I've got Dreadful Wind, by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think that's your. Do you think that's your Windy Pops? As a result of the gig, you're out last night.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Quite a lot of beer. Quite gassy from the beer. Do you wanna. We should talk about the picture that Paul Carr sent us.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, absolutely. Apparently it's based on something that we said. I've just found out.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

We were talking about the Five Nights at Freddy's.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. And he's done it as. He's done it as Five Nights at Billy's. Because it's the Billy Bear processed ham, sort of processed meat.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's very good.

[Ed Gamble]

It's very, very good. He's mocked up the Five Nights at Freddy's poster with Billy Bear there sort of creeping through. And it's, if not every bit as terrifying, slightly more terrifying, I'd say.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think it's time. I mean, look, there was the Barbie film.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think we're getting like a Monopoly film or some.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Business.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rock and Sock and Robots. I think it's time for the Billy.

[Ed Gamble]

Bear franchise in the Monopoly movie. Do you think the Pringles man's gonna show up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Why?

[Ed Gamble]

Because they look quite similar. The Monopoly man of the Pringles man.

[Matthew Crosby]

Surely they've got to be relevant, their own Pringles man. Julius Pringle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Which is his name.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Deserves his own film. And then there can be a crossover at later date.

[Ed Gamble]

I like that. So it'd be Julius. It would. Like Alien versus Predator. Yeah, yeah, exactly. They finally fight.

[Matthew Crosby]

Julius versus Monopoly man.

[Ed Gamble]

Julius versus Monopol man. Must have a name.

[Matthew Crosby]

Must have a name.

[Ed Gamble]

Does he have a name? Get in touch, guys.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cornelius Van Monopoly or something.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, good.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Get in touch. Go Sunday at Radio x. He's called Mr.

[Producer Vin]

Monopoly. No, but he was originally known as Rich Uncle Pennybags.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, I did know that.

[Ed Gamble]

That's great. Rich Uncle Penny Bags. Love that.

[Producer Vin]

Oh, oh. Full name. Milburn Penny Bags.

[Matthew Crosby]

Milburn Penny Bags.

[Ed Gamble]

Milburn Penny Bags. He's got money to Milburn. Mick Chen's got in touch.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, hello, Mick Chen.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you want to hear Mick Chen's message?

[Matthew Crosby]

Never, but let's hear it.

[Ed Gamble]

Sure. Let's hear it anyway. Shriveled breast. Muscle breast and producer breast. So that's how he's calling us now. I'm shriveled breast. Your muscle breast. You've done very well out of that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Happy to take it.

[Ed Gamble]

And then. So, I mean, the only one who's done badly out of that is me.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

As always, you know, you've got muscles. Vin is literally the producer, but I'm apparently shriveled.

[Matthew Crosby]

Although do listen out for today's show. I think it's the biggest. The biggest sabotage of the show Vin's ever done.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Producer Vin]

Oh, Health and safety. Very, very responsible.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't know.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's the first time I've seen Matthew genuinely angry.

[Ed Gamble]

I was. I have forgiven Vin.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

But I'm not going to tell him that yet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let's not.

[Producer Vin]

We won't dig down into it because.

[Matthew Crosby]

It'S easy, a bad thing to have done. It's easier to forgive.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't think it's a mad thing to have done because I. I know.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are you all right? Okay, Leave it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you're right. You know, you're absolutely right. It's Christmas. Let's not argue.

[Matthew Crosby]

Also, it's easy to forgive someone who doesn't think they've done anything wrong.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's also. That's also true.

[Matthew Crosby]

I have been farting throughout this intro, by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you?

[Matthew Crosby]

Silently releasing gas.

[Stuart Laws]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

I thought.

[Matthew Crosby]

Just want you to know, as I said that sentence then, it's easy to forgive someone who doesn't have a constant flow. Constant flow.

[Ed Gamble]

I just thought you'd changed your vape. And he was working in a really unusual way anyway. Shriveled breast muscle breast and producer breast. A dialogue between me and the toilet clerk at Simmons.

[Producer Vin]

Simmons.

[Matthew Crosby]

Those awful bars here. Yeah, man. Did you catch a. Mick Chang goes to Simmons.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you catch a lady? What? Did you catch a lady? Nah, not yet. Enjoy your pee pee. I'm going for a poo poo. Enjoy your poo poo. How's business? Brackets after you have to survive somehow. Mick Chen. There we go. Something about that. I mean, you know, not a million miles away from those short sketches that Harold Pinter used to write.

[Matthew Crosby]

Very interesting.

[Ed Gamble]

Very Pinterest Winter esque as well.

[Matthew Crosby]

The drama comes in the pauses.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. It's the words that aren't being said.

[Producer Vin]

Mick Chen, go for a poo at Simmons.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah. Come on, Mick Chen. You've got to have a look at your life when you're having a sew at Simmons.

[Producer Vin]

And I'm your biggest fan.

[Matthew Crosby]

Mick. Yeah, sorry, Mick Chen. You're on the pull in Simmons and you go for a poo halfway through. Come on, mate, have a word with yourself.

[Ed Gamble]

It's bad stuff, but anyway, it's not.

[Matthew Crosby]

A life, is it?

[Ed Gamble]

It's no. It's no kind of a life for Mick Chen. But thank you very much for the submission. So should we get on with the show? Should we crack on with it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, wait until you hear. Wait till you hear what Vin does now.

[Ed Gamble]

List. Listen, you're being cheeky now because you're trying to make me more angry than I was. No, you're not being facetious this time. You're trying. You're trying to sort of. You know, some people, you hang out with them, and at the end of it, you're like, oh, actually, I should be annoyed at that person. I think that's what. That's what you're doing. I'm trying. Yeah, you're stirring the pot and I'm trying to rise above it. Got me a big spoon to rise above it. It's not important. It's all good, you know, it's all grist to the mill. It's all good content. Anyway, here's the show.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radox.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, it's Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X with you until, of course, legs 11. 11am now, you'll know, if you're a regular listener, that Matthew will write his introductions. Yes, in the past, I used to write my introductions.

[Ed Gamble]

But wait Wait, wait, wait. You're saying you're never going to do it again, but.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, never going to do it again. We're now in a new era of Ed Gamble. It's Ed Gamble who doesn't write his introductions.

[Ed Gamble]

I think we've been in that era for a while.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no, no, no. If you go back, I've written hundreds.

[Ed Gamble]

Of introductions for the show. No, no, you've written plenty of intros here.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay? Now we are in. As an artist, I have to evolve.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, this is the thing David Bowie says, you know, you should always be just. If you're like, imagine art is like the sea, right? Your feet shouldn't quite touch the ground. There we go. Shouldn't quite touch the sand. Okay. You should always be just. And those are the places where really interesting stuff happens.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is my Z. Ziggy Stardust.

[Ed Gamble]

I think this is. I. I think this is gonna be Tin Machine for younger friends.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, fair enough.

[Ed Gamble]

But, you know, the experimentation is the key.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I planned something.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you have?

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, I'm gonna do some improv. Oh, okay.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no.

[Matthew Crosby]

So from. From you, Matthew, please. I'd like a place like a scenario. Anywhere, just anywhere you can think of.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, what about. Because it's a bit of a sort of wintry scene. What about the Arctic?

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, the Arctic.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, nice. Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

And what about a job? What job do I have?

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, you've got the job.

[Matthew Crosby]

And it doesn't have to be an Arctic based job.

[Ed Gamble]

Any. Okay, you are a shoe salesman in the Arctic.

[Matthew Crosby]

A shoe salesman in the Arctic. Okay. Right. Okay, here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

Here we go.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, I'm ready to do my. I'm ready to do my improv.

[Ed Gamble]

That's what they say. By the way, if you ever go and see an improv show, they often come on and say, I'm ready to do my improv.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's good. So you know what's gonna happen?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cause this is the show now.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the show now, guys.

[Matthew Crosby]

She salesman in the Arctic.

[Ed Gamble]

Here we go.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is Alien Ant Farm.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you're kidding me. Radio X.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X. Why not, eh? Why not you too? That was Baby, please come Home. Christmas brackets. Baby please come home. It's Ed Gamble and it's Matthew Crosby with you till 11am that's what people.

[Matthew Crosby]

Said when we said, oh, we're going to host a radio show. And they went, why not you two?

[Ed Gamble]

Why not you two? Why not you two? No one else wants to do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

So wonderful intro, by the way.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, the crate, that was actually all written.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the thing. We've got to let people behind the curtain a little bit. We actually came in this morning at 5am to rehearse that, to go through.

[Matthew Crosby]

The paces, get into character, warm up our voices.

[Ed Gamble]

We had Nicholas Hittner come in to direct it. It was really. It was a wonderful piece of theatre. The teeth, the tip of the tongue. We did a lot of. We never do any of that before we start speaking, which is why every single intro we ever do starts with someone going, hello. We sound like Bobcat Goldthwaite when we start. Anyway, Merry Christmas, everybody. It's our last show before the Christmas period. Christmas period begins, which I believe it begins on. Begins on Monday. The key day is Thursday.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, the key day. The key. Well, this is where you've got to have all your ducks in a row.

[Stuart Laws]

Well, this is.

[Ed Gamble]

The interesting thing about this, is we have no plans whatsoever for Christmas Day. We've got. We've got Christmas Eve sorted. We have zero plans.

[Matthew Crosby]

You, you, you and your family.

[Ed Gamble]

Me and my family.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're not saying me. I. I don't have plans.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm sure you've got loads of plans.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely not.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you not got any plans?

[Matthew Crosby]

No. I mean, we'll go to my mum's.

[Ed Gamble]

We don't even have that. No, we are gonna.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're not going to my mum's.

[Ed Gamble]

We're not gonna go to your mum's. We've asked if she said no.

[Matthew Crosby]

I love it when you turn up at my mum.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you know what? I would love it as well. I think, crucially, the kids would love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

The kids would love it.

[Ed Gamble]

The kids would love to see your mum. But. No, she would love.

[Matthew Crosby]

If some kids came over.

[Ed Gamble]

I bet she would.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Can I borrow your kids?

[Ed Gamble]

We've suddenly got a plan, guys. I want to borrow your kids and.

[Matthew Crosby]

Tell my mum that there are kids for a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you'd be very proud of them. They're gorgeous little kids.

[Matthew Crosby]

She'd like grandchildren, really. So maybe we'd have a day where we just pretend.

[Ed Gamble]

Can you rent out your kids?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

This is not a bad service we've come up with here. Can you rent out kids? We do all the requisite checks. Obviously, we would. Yes, I would be. I'd be there as a chaperone. But what I would do is. I would do something like. I would disguise myself as an easy chair or something.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I will send you the print on my mum's sofa so you can design a full Suit.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

And paint your face.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, obviously, yes. At some point, the dog's gonna hop up on the sofa and try and hump me or something like that, you know.

[Matthew Crosby]

There's no dog.

[Ed Gamble]

What's that?

[Matthew Crosby]

There's no dog.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm out. That was my plan all along anyway. This is movie. Claro.

[Matthew Crosby]

You do have a plan.

[Ed Gamble]

I did have a plan. That was all scripted as well, folks.

[Radio X Announcer]

Matthew Crosby and Edward Radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's Ed Gambler Matthew Crosby on Radio X.

[Ed Gamble]

It is indeed. It is indeed. Now, Ed, you're a little bit fatigued, and not just because it's getting towards the end of the year and you start the festive season. Everyone gets a little bit tired around.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, But.

[Ed Gamble]

But you were out last night rocking in a row.

[Matthew Crosby]

I went out. Rock and roll time, baby. Went to see Clutch at the Roundhouse. They regularly do December at the Roundhouse and it's. We call it Clutchmas now.

[Ed Gamble]

You call it Clutchmas. But they. They don't call it Clutch.

[Matthew Crosby]

They don't really reference the fact that it's Christmas. No. Because it's the end of their tour. It's the end of their year.

[Ed Gamble]

I think that's mad that they don't bring on, like, a big inflatable Santa or something like that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, it's not their vibe.

[Ed Gamble]

I know, but that's what would be so good about it.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're good old rock and roll boys. They're just getting stuck in. They're tearing up some riffs.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're preaching some sermons, you know, it's. It's good stuff, Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

It sounds like good stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was a great set list as well.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because they mix it up every time.

[Matthew Crosby]

They change it every night. Different band member picks a set list every night. Really. So you're sort of looking, and they always put them up on Instagram. You're looking at the ones you didn't go to going, oh, I would have loved that one.

[Ed Gamble]

And is it a different band member from Clutch, or is it just a different band member?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, it's not a different band member. Generally.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not one of the latter.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're not gonna get like, david Van Dae does it one day. No, it's. It's the. From Clutch.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. That's probably best, isn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because it would be terrible if you got the call up and you were like, well, I don't know any Clutch. I'm gonna have to really go on the this is Clutch Spotify playlist.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I'm gonna have to say Boys don't cry.

[Ed Gamble]

Surely that's one of yours. Even if it isn't, everyone loves it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's a great song. It's the first time I've ever seen Clutch and been seated.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I will say, because next year, of course, we don't wanna, you know, we don't wanna wish your life away.

[Matthew Crosby]

Got nothing to do with my age.

[Ed Gamble]

Next year you're 40.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's got nothing to do with my age. I would have loved to have been standing.

[Ed Gamble]

Just couldn't get tickets.

[Matthew Crosby]

I couldn't get tickets. I was on. I was on the guest list last night, Matthew. Oh. Which I don't normally like to do. I like to buy my ticket and go and stand and you know, get involved. But on this occasion it was necessary because it had sold out and I had to wangle.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Which, you know, that is an option open to me and I apologize. You shouldn't need.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, you shouldn't apologize because the, the reason it's open to you is because you've worked so damn hard.

[Matthew Crosby]

That must be it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And all those people who had to buy tickets, they just didn't stay in their lives.

[Ed Gamble]

They didn't want it enough.

[Matthew Crosby]

They just didn't.

[Ed Gamble]

Crucially, they just didn't want it enough.

[Matthew Crosby]

But being seated for clut is difficult because I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to shout for all my favorites. So I did find myself halfway through. I was bouncing up and down and the whole row was going up and down. Really? Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So if I was, you know, I'm only a small person if you're bouncing up and down really hard. I'm flying.

[Matthew Crosby]

Especially at the roundhouse.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I'm flying over into. I would be standing.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I'd be flying into the standing area. I'd be crowd surfing whether I wanted to or not.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. And I do feel sorry for the people who are around us. Cause I did sing along to every single word. And they're the only band I do that with.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you word perfect or are you sound perfect?

[Matthew Crosby]

I'd say on 80% of the songs they played last night was word perfect.

[Ed Gamble]

Right. That's good because whenever I get to a gig I'm always sound perfect.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's me normally.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. I'm like, oh, I know this one. I don't know any of the words. This song can't be about Gary Lineker. It can't be.

[Matthew Crosby]

Also I. Yeah, I'm quite regularly. The bits I do know for Some other bands. I will then sing confidently and realize that that's not where that bit sung. Oh, yeah, they've finished or, you know, the song's over.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you feel? Right. How do you feel when a song has a stop in the middle of it and a bunch of people applaud during the stop in the middle of the song?

[Matthew Crosby]

I. I like it because I feel smug, especially if I know that the stop is not the end of the song and I sort of look around.

[Ed Gamble]

Like, oh, dear, oh, dear. Someone's not heard the album.

[Matthew Crosby]

Something here with a fan. I am guest.

[Ed Gamble]

Listen, Came with your partner, did you not really fan of the Benz. Yes, of course. The guest list. Boy, word perfect. Like a little keynote. Yes, but you had a lovely time.

[Matthew Crosby]

I did, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

And you told me this morning. Now, this is obviously, please drink responsibly, especially during the festive period. But you had six pints.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's not. You can't do it.

[Ed Gamble]

How are you holding it together?

[Matthew Crosby]

Barely.

[Ed Gamble]

Because I would be. I would be an absolute puddle. I would be six pints if I had six pints.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, you are. I mean, you only have one pint of blood, don't you? Because you're so small.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right. I only have one pint.

[Matthew Crosby]

So to drink two pints for you is double your blood. You should never be drinking double your blood.

[Ed Gamble]

No, never drink double your blood. Yeah, Well, I always. What I will do if I am drinking pints is I'll match it. Blood pint for normal.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah. You'll have a transfusion.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

For every pint.

[Ed Gamble]

That's right.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I don't really know how I'm holding it together, to be honest. I mean, we had dinner. I guess that helps.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And to be fair, we're 28 minutes into the show, so we've got no idea how.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah. Goodness me. I mean, the middle hour's gonna be.

[Ed Gamble]

It could.

[Stuart Laws]

Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, luckily, the middle hour, we've got Stuart Laws, so we've got him coming up.

[Matthew Crosby]

I saw him last night. Did you? I had dinner with him last night.

[Ed Gamble]

Was he at Clutch?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, he didn't come to Clutch. He just came to meet us for dinner. And he did have two really big ciders, so I do worry about that.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no. Can't the guy hold it together?

[Matthew Crosby]

We were in what I would describe as a substandard Greek restaurant.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

And he said, not the real one. Can I have a cider? And they went, yeah. And without checking what he wanted, brought him a Strawberry and lime Kopperberg.

[Ed Gamble]

And he went, well, you know, lucky guess.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that's what I wanted.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, let's play some bowling for soup. It's Christmas after all. This is Feliz Navidad here on Radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

X for the second time today.

[Radio X Announcer]

Feliz Navidad. Scoop Daddy and Goujon Mustard.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X, Razor Light America. My favorite song. Actually, my second favorite song after the song you just showed me, Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it's a good talk, isn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Ed Gamble and Matty Crosby here on Radio X. Plenty to come in the show, including some great music, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, but not the song I showed you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not the song. No. I wish we could play the song you just showed me.

[Ed Gamble]

Are we allowed to say the title of the song?

[Producer Vin]

I think so.

[Ed Gamble]

It was a song my. My daughter's written. Yeah, could be. Could be Christmas number one. We've got our fingers crossed. And it's called I Love To Show My Penis to the Police.

[Matthew Crosby]

Best of British next year, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely, yeah. Sting's very interested.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, big night. Big night. Very tired. Need something to get me going. Something that's the equivalent of a cup of coffee. A nice relaxing cup of coffee. Something to bump me up. Here we go. This looks good. This song sounds jolly. It's by a band called End It. Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah. It's nice to see Scatman John back in the. Back in the mix.

[Matthew Crosby]

Scatman John, hardcore band.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I love it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. All right. I like this.

[Matthew Crosby]

There we go. Look at you bobbing up and down.

[Ed Gamble]

Bob up and down like you at a clutch gig.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're like a little hula girl on a dashboard.

[Ed Gamble]

That's exactly what I'm like. Finally somebody's. I've been. I've been living that life for a long time. Finally, someone's acknowledged it. Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Radio X Announcer]

The rock will wax and way.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well. Merry Christmas. Ed Gambler. Matthew Crosby on Radio X. Sorry about them.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, they do that, don't they?

[Matthew Crosby]

Sorry about.

[Ed Gamble]

The thing about inviting Tom and the lads over is that they will. They will slightly bum everybody out.

[Matthew Crosby]

What the hell am I doing here? Well, it's Christmas Day. Yeah, I've put a shift in to get this dinner ready.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, just eat the turkey, yeah, Stop complaining.

[Matthew Crosby]

Slap a smile on for six hours.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, surely, surely.

[Producer Vin]

Radio had a vegan, Surely, Yeah, it's good.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know, but even so, there's plenty for a vegan at a Christmas. At a Christmas dinner. All we care about is a little smile on your chops. That's all we want from you. No, don't mention chops to the vegan.

[Matthew Crosby]

Anyway, on your butternut squash.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, yes. Put a smile on your butternut squash. Yeah, that's a lovely festive message. Put a smile on your butternut squash. Now, you are, of course, incredibly thick. If you're listening to this show, we're incredibly thick as well, so, you know, it's great to have you on board.

[Matthew Crosby]

We.

[Ed Gamble]

What we do every year is we compile our 12 listeners of Thickmas, the 12 Thickest Listeners, and we sing a little song about them and we've got some fantastic entries, some that have come in live, some that have come in via email. We're not going to get through all of them. There's going to have to be a few rollovers to 2026. Do you want to do one there, Ed?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I mean, I've got loads to the extent that I am actually just losing them when I look at them. But no, this. This is a cracker from Luke M. Have been amazed over the years by how many barbers and hairdressers were left handed, only to realise this year I was just looking at them in the mirror. I'm 32. Thanks, Luke. Happy radio, lad.

[Ed Gamble]

Stevie. Stevie is sorry. Don't mind if I do. My apologies. Stevie has written in to say, I used to work in the building next to MI5. I went to see James Bond at the cinema with my husband and they blew up the MI5 building. In the film, I turned to my husband and said, omg, imagine if I'd been at work that day. Stevie, Stevie, you goon. Fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Kelsey, who says, happy radio, lads.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't mind if I do.

[Matthew Crosby]

To piggyback off an email last week re Thicky Thicky Dum Dums or whatever the feature is called.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

When I was working at a children's farm on a particularly slow day, I was showing a lovely family, the animals, talking to the kids, letting them stroke the goats and just generally having a really beautiful time. As they were leaving, the mum turned to me and said, thank you so much. Have a good day. My brain was choosing between saying, no problem and thanks. You too. Actually ended up saying, was no thanks to you, with a big smile on my face and making eye contact with the kids. This isn't the only time this has happened, but the most memorable hench.

[Radio X Announcer]

Old and peculiar Radio X.

[Ed Gamble]

Whoa, man. Whoa, Kasabian. You're taking me onto a new level, boys.

[Matthew Crosby]

Processed Beats.

[Ed Gamble]

Processed.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that the name of the song? It sounds like a slam.

[Producer Vin]

It's a description, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

Processed Beats. Like processed meats, but processed beats. They're very clever, aren't they? The Kasabian Boys. I like them a lot.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's Ed Gambler Matty Crosby on RadioACT. Who else would do such wonderful stuff?

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely right. Well, I tell you who else would do such wonderful stuff, because he does wonderful stuff all the time. It's the fantastic comedian and our first and only scoop for daddy on today's show, Stuart Laws.

[Stuart Laws]

Yes, it's a pleasure to be a single scoop today.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

There aren't many people who can single scoop this show.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But Laws is one of them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Definitely one of them. Of course. I saw you last night. Of course, Stuart.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah. We had a lovely Greek meal.

[Matthew Crosby]

We had. Yes. Substandard. I've already called it on the radio.

[Stuart Laws]

Sorry, Substandard Greek.

[Ed Gamble]

Lovely for you, maybe, Stuart, but we're talking to one of. We're talking to one of podcasting's great gourmands.

[Stuart Laws]

Exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Stuart Laws]

I did feel very aware. The whole. Every bite I took, I thought up.

[Ed Gamble]

He's judging me. Yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Actually, my pork was okay. The pork souvlaki was pretty good, actually. Yeah, it was the baked feta that was rather awful.

[Ed Gamble]

What was wrong with the baked feta? How did you get that wrong?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, it's cheap feta, I think.

[Producer Vin]

Come on.

[Matthew Crosby]

And then they sort of put just like raw onion on top of it.

[Ed Gamble]

No, you can't. Listen, there's no meal, really, that you think, well, this. I haven't. This hasn't turned out great. I'm going to put some raw onion.

[Matthew Crosby]

I mean, the raw onion has its place, but not on a baked feta. Lads, I got.

[Stuart Laws]

Got aggressively torn apart on Reddit for my raw onion opinion.

[Ed Gamble]

What's your raw onion opinion? Let's get on. Which subreddit is it? Which subreddit were you.

[Matthew Crosby]

What subreddit do you think it might be?

[Stuart Laws]

Talked about it on my podcast and with me and Daman Bamra. We talked about how we both don't like raw onion. Someone commented on the clip that got posted on Reddit. You're gonna get lit up and you deserve it.

[Ed Gamble]

But that's a nice thing around the festive season, isn't it? Yeah, like a Christmas tree.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah, I enjoyed getting picked up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, wait, wait for this opinion. Right, Strap in for this. So we decided we were gonna go for dinner, and then me and Chloe were gonna go and See? Clutch. And I said, well, I tell you what. Tell you what's nearby. That cheese restaurant where you sit. It's like a sushi conveyor belt.

[Ed Gamble]

We've talked about going there.

[Matthew Crosby]

And then it's just chunks of cheese and then cheese for different things. Yes. Oh, no, we couldn't do that because this muggins over here. I know you usually do that about yourself, but he's muggins today, Stu.

[Ed Gamble]

Muggins.

[Matthew Crosby]

Laws doesn't like cheese. Cheese.

[Ed Gamble]

I feel so very early on, I say, oh, there's not many comics. You could do a one skit. Let's get him off the show.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah, I like the amount of silence there. The emergency broadcast almost killed the show.

[Ed Gamble]

We almost heard Franz Ferdinand for a second there. Oh, my God. What's your beef with cheese?

[Matthew Crosby]

What's your problem?

[Ed Gamble]

Look, that's not the wrong way of phrasing it. That's a burger.

[Stuart Laws]

As a child, I didn't like it. For some reason, something happened.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, as an adult. Oh, dear. It's trauma. We've stumbled into trauma.

[Stuart Laws]

So how about it's nine in the morning. Yeah, we talk about some trauma.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X. Listen, the thing is. Well, say. Okay, yes. Maybe you had some childhood trauma surroundings.

[Matthew Crosby]

You saw a man killed by a cheese truck.

[Ed Gamble]

Why are you hanging onto it in your 40s? So the reason you've got to release this. You've got to forgive the cheese.

[Stuart Laws]

I'm a man of extremes.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's true.

[Stuart Laws]

When I get into something, I'm into it in a big way. We all know this.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Stuart Laws]

I made a decision.

[Ed Gamble]

You're an autistic person. You're an autistic person.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I'd say that.

[Ed Gamble]

I've seen this diagnosis. Could you change the man of extremes? It's all cooler.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, it says I'm a cheese hater. I'm on the cheese hating spectrum.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, we're all on the spectrum a little bit.

[Stuart Laws]

No, I just knew my physiology. My body couldn't handle adding cheese to my diet.

[Ed Gamble]

You love pizza.

[Stuart Laws]

I do eat pizza without cheese.

[Matthew Crosby]

All right, well, then you don't eat pizza. I'm sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

You eat tomato on toast.

[Matthew Crosby]

You eat tomato bread.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah, and I love it. And I'm doing a live show about it.

[Ed Gamble]

You know what? I wouldn't put it past you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Look, we do have to crack on and talk about your projects because there's three things on this sheet of paper.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah. I don't know why I'm here. I forgot why I'm here to.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, there's three things we can promote And I'll tell you what, Stu, they're all very different and all very weird.

[Producer Vin]

Let's pick one of them here, I think.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let's pick one of them. Well, let's talk about comedians, beer mat flipping and pub Games championship.

[Stuart Laws]

Yes. February 10th.

[Matthew Crosby]

February 10th at the Pleasants in London. A truly fantastic time. I have competed.

[Ed Gamble]

I've never been able to. I've been invited, but I've never been able to make the dates work.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that true? You've invited him?

[Ed Gamble]

I have. It's true. It's genuinely true.

[Matthew Crosby]

Which.

[Ed Gamble]

Is that true? Is Matthew lying about that? And it's so funny you had to fact check that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that true? We just sounded like I've been invited, but. No, I sounded like you were desperate.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I wanted to say because I didn't want the Stu to think that I was just batting it away because I think it's a bad idea. I think it's a phenomenal idea and.

[Matthew Crosby]

Batting it away is a very bad technique for being one of the worst. Yeah, it's so fun and what I would say, very entertaining. Unless, of course, you get Ed Gamble involved.

[Ed Gamble]

Very competitive man is Ed Gamble.

[Matthew Crosby]

Look, as soon as I got a sniff that I could do it semi well.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Game over for entertainment, unfortunately.

[Stuart Laws]

Very intense.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, very intense. I didn't win, though.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah. Phil Wang took the crown last year.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, no. Your nemesis.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, you're right.

[Ed Gamble]

Your nemesis. No wonder you went so hard at the wrestling.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that would have been a good starter for a wrestling feud. Actually, he beat me at the beer mat flipping competition.

[Ed Gamble]

When you grabbed his nips and twisted, I could tell there was a lot going on there. There was a lot behind the character.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's so much fun. So talk us through it, Stu. So comedians come and compete in beer mat flipping, the age old art of beer.

[Stuart Laws]

Matt flipping, the age old art of beer mat flip. And we've expanded this year to include some extra pub games. So we are adding some new twists to it. Yeah, I'm very excited.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are you doing a napkin over a pint glass, putting a coin on it and then everyone burns their cig. Burns a hole in it. And the person who makes the coin drop is the loser.

[Stuart Laws]

I mean, and now I didn't know that was a game.

[Ed Gamble]

The way we used to play that is we used to do it with a cigarette packet and you'd pull out the film sleeve and put a 5 pence piece on it and you'll burn around it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, nice.

[Ed Gamble]

God, that was a good game.

[Stuart Laws]

That was great. I was just doing coin catching off the elbow.

[Ed Gamble]

Off the elbow. Coins off the elbow.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. That's a great you bet. Challenge the guy who can do a load of those on you bet. Phenomenal. Anyway, we want to talk more. Why have we got to you bet? Always talk about you bet. Literally, I can't not talk about you. But I've contracted, I zone out Crobby.

[Radio X Announcer]

J and the Machine, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

The Automatic Monster. They never did a follow up explaining what it was coming over.

[Ed Gamble]

They never explain. We never, you know, but that's. That was their motto. Never explain, never apologize.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Be good if they released one where you found out it was just a.

[Stuart Laws]

Big man or the concept of aging.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, yes. That's always coming over the hill. Constantly over the hill. I mean, I am already over the hill.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, yeah, you say some, you are over the hill. Agent doesn't come over the hill towards you. You yourself go over the hill.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, I run towards agent.

[Matthew Crosby]

You see what the monster is, and then it turns out it's your own shriveled corpse. It's head gambler Matty Crosby, here with our special guest, Stuart Laws. Of course, we've got to get on with promoting Stewart's project.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, he really is Mr. Format. He loves a format.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you, Monsieur Format.

[Ed Gamble]

Monsieur Format.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's a new one. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So he'll be doing Monsieur Format at the Zoho Theatre next year. But before that, he's gonna be at the Pleasants in London on the 6th of March. Stuart Laws as Michael Caine saying never for one hour. Now, we've talked about this before, but for people who don't know what this is, can you explain it to the listener?

[Stuart Laws]

In the film Batman Begins, Michael Caine as Alfred replies to Bruce Wayne by saying, never. Now I've really dialed it back here.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's not.

[Stuart Laws]

Spoil it for anyone.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stuart Laws]

And I think it's one of the wildest line readings in any film ever. I did a video in 2020 of me as Michael Caine trying to get the line right. And Christopher Nolan off camera being like, cut. Let's go again on that. That's wild. And then in 2024, did it as a live show with Nish Kumar. I don't know if you know of. Of Nish.

[Matthew Crosby]

Never heard of the guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Never heard of him. Sounds good.

[Stuart Laws]

Sir Nish Kumar playing Sir Christopher Nolan.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stuart Laws]

As a live show. We've done three of them now, all of them sold out. This is the last one ever.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow. Ever.

[Stuart Laws]

It's not bad.

[Ed Gamble]

Cut.

[Stuart Laws]

Go again.

[Matthew Crosby]

The last One ever.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a real shame. I didn't believe it. Yeah, that's a real shame. I've been invited to all of them, but I've never been able to make the dates work. Don't fact check me on that. I have been. I've been invited to all of them but six.

[Matthew Crosby]

The last one. But never say never that.

[Stuart Laws]

Well, no, I always say ever. Always say never.

[Matthew Crosby]

You always say never.

[Ed Gamble]

You always say never. And you say it, you know, a lot over the course of an hour.

[Stuart Laws]

It got said in the first one. We did count it up. It got said 328 times in the.

[Matthew Crosby]

Course of an hour. I would say if this sounds like your sort of thing, it is your sort of thing.

[Stuart Laws]

100%.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. If you're not sure, it's not your sort of thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Stuart Laws]

We don't want someone buying a ticket being like, I might give this a go.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I wonder what this is. Maybe I will like this. No. If there is one part of you that thinks sounds a bit. Yeah, sounds a bit mad, I'm not sure I'll enjoy that. As it will say never over and over again.

[Stuart Laws]

Calling me up to ask, do you think I'll enjoy this? Never.

[Ed Gamble]

What you really don't want is somebody walking past the Pleasants going, what's on now?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

That's not your talking temperature drive.

[Matthew Crosby]

So let's sell this out. So there's no walk up.

[Ed Gamble]

So that is. Tickets [e-mail] as are the tickets for the Comedians Beer Mat Flipping and Pub Games championship on 10th February 2026. That's at the Pleasants in London.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

The Killers on Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Delighted to still be joined, of course, with our single scoop for daddy today, the wonderfully festive, the beautiful man, Monsieur Format.

[Stuart Laws]

Monsieur Format reporting, the man is here.

[Matthew Crosby]

Stuart Laws. Sat Laws. Now, Stu, we've already discussed Comedians Beer, Matt flipping and pel gob's championship, 10th of February at the Pleasants. And we've discussed Stuart Laws, Michael Caine saying never for an hour. 6th of March, Pleasance as well.

[Stuart Laws]

I'm entering my mainstream era.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. These are your two live things that you've got coming up. Talking of your mainstream era, we must talk about your YouTube panel show. Is It a Bone?

[Stuart Laws]

Ah, yes. Is it a bone? Any more questions?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I've not watched it yet. What is it and what is it?

[Stuart Laws]

So you know what, you know a classic game show panel show, House of Games Taskmaster. Yeah, imagine that. But the only question that gets asked of its comedian guests is, is it a bone?

[Matthew Crosby]

Is it a bone?

[Stuart Laws]

Six different rounds, each testing a different, different. One of the six senses. And that's it.

[Ed Gamble]

That's it. Well, what we thought we would do, because I saw this format and I thought.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, hosted by Sam Lake, which is.

[Ed Gamble]

Sam Lake, brilliant, wonderful, wonderful comedian, brilliant Sam Lake. I thought we could take this format and slightly change it.

[Stuart Laws]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

And play it with you now as the contestant.

[Stuart Laws]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

We're going to play now. Is it a phone? Okay. Because I've got a phone with me. I carry a phone with me at all times. That's just the kind of guy. Well, I'm going to ask you to shut your eyes because it's an audio media. I'm going to ask you to shut your eyes and I'm going to drop.

[Matthew Crosby]

Something up your bum.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm going to drop.

[Stuart Laws]

Am I going to prison?

[Ed Gamble]

Would you smuggle this into some of the lads inside? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to drop. I'm going to drop three things.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you going to tell me which of the three things I've dropped is a phone? Crucially my phone.

[Matthew Crosby]

You can play along at home.

[Ed Gamble]

You can play along at home. First thing I'm dropping. Keeping your eyes shut. Stuart Laws.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't say what it is. Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a very good point. I'm glad you. I'm glad you told me because I was about to say this is my phone. Okay, here we go.

[Matthew Crosby]

Go.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Okay. I've dropped something there. Was that a phone?

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Would you like to hear it again?

[Stuart Laws]

Yes, please.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, please.

[Stuart Laws]

That's not a phone.

[Ed Gamble]

He's saying that's not a phone.

[Stuart Laws]

Locking it in. Not a phone.

[Matthew Crosby]

Locking it in. He's locked it in. Can you. Can you suggest what you think it.

[Stuart Laws]

Might be that I think is Matthew's wallet? Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

My wallet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow, you're doing well.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. I'm also one of the people who has a wallet in 20, 25. Okay. All right, here we go. We're going to do. Do something else here. Is this my phone? Okay.

[Producer Vin]

Can you be careful of all the equipment with that, the liquid in that cup.

[Stuart Laws]

Oh, hang on, that's.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you kidding? Are you kidding?

[Stuart Laws]

That's so embarrassing. You've given away a clue there.

[Producer Vin]

Well, all the liquid that we could hear sloshed around.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Producer Vin]

They're just. Because the screens and, you know, I'm.

[Ed Gamble]

So sorry, the producer. Absolutely destroying the. Like I said, I said to you.

[Matthew Crosby]

About an Hour ago, the One Plan.

[Ed Gamble]

Segment, I said, I've got an idea for the show. How often do I. Well, I.

[Stuart Laws]

Quite often.

[Matthew Crosby]

Coffee.

[Producer Vin]

Getting on all the.

[Ed Gamble]

I have sealed the keep cup, mate.

[Producer Vin]

I just don't think it's a good idea to throw coffee around a radio studio.

[Matthew Crosby]

Do you think that's a phone?

[Ed Gamble]

I think.

[Stuart Laws]

Yes, that's a phone.

[Ed Gamble]

The phrase not a phone. That was my keep cup.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, last one.

[Ed Gamble]

That was your keep cup.

[Stuart Laws]

So all of that was real?

[Ed Gamble]

That was. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was my keep.

[Matthew Crosby]

Last one.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you think we were doing a bit there? Yeah, I genuinely thought you'd done a bit. Yeah. It wasn't a phone.

[Matthew Crosby]

Last one.

[Ed Gamble]

Last one.

[Stuart Laws]

Phone.

[Ed Gamble]

There we go. That's my phone, guys. Well, I was really hoping we could clip that up. Yeah, but I don't think we can.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think we probably can.

[Ed Gamble]

No, we probably still will, won't we? What else have we got?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway. Is it a bone Is available to watch now. Just search for it on YouTube very, very quickly before we let you go. Now, you are the creator of one of the great questions of our radio show. What's the biggest pig you can imagine? We're going into a brand new year, 2026. Do you have a brand new question for us, Stuart Laws. Don't panic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't panic.

[Ed Gamble]

It's okay. The answer is no.

[Matthew Crosby]

And we've got some great ones here that we're asking people. Doesn't the rock look great? Great.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a great question.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's a great question. This new one that's just been added. Have you ever. Have you ever eaten a chupa chup from the bogs? You know, the bog man?

[Stuart Laws]

You know who has? Chloe Radcliffe.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, really?

[Stuart Laws]

She always takes that.

[Ed Gamble]

She loves.

[Stuart Laws]

They call them suckers in the United States.

[Ed Gamble]

Even worse. Oh, yeah, having a bog sucker.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm off to the bog for a sucker.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't mind it.

[Stuart Laws]

No one knows Clay Radcliffe, the boxer.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have a question for us?

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah. Why am I always in the thoroughfare?

[Ed Gamble]

It's a very, very, very good question.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't understand.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a. But it's true. I'm always in the thoroughfare as well. At a gig, standing on a train platform. I'm always in the thoroughfare.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's such a good point. At a gig, always in the thoroughfare.

[Ed Gamble]

Why am I always in the thoroughfare?

[Matthew Crosby]

Music festivals like Six Mile Wide and.

[Ed Gamble]

They'Re all holding hands. Knock it off, lads.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I'm in the thoroughfare. God, I'm in The thoroughfare.

[Stuart Laws]

Every guest from now on. Why are you always in the thoroughfare?

[Ed Gamble]

Why are you always in the thoroughfare? Well, you know what? You are always in the thoroughfare of great comedy because of course, we've got the beer map flipping a games championship that's on the 10th of February 6th of March. Stuart Laws is Michael Caine saying, never for one hour. And on YouTube, of course. Is it a bone. Stuart Laws, what a treat. It's been a. It's been. By the way, is this a phone? Is that a phone?

[Stuart Laws]

That's a phone.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a keep cup. My favorite game, the Cardigans here on Radio X.

[Radio X Announcer]

Bill and Matthew.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. I've had a sudden burst of energy.

[Ed Gamble]

You have, you have. Let's. Let's channel that because we're about to do some more thickness. So. Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, it's gone.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh. It's a bit like realizing you're happy, isn't it? You realize you're happy and then suddenly, oh, away it goes.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was because we had the brilliant Stuart Laws in the studio. If you missed that, you can listen to the interview on the podcast, of course, available through the Global Player. He gave me a bit of energy.

[Ed Gamble]

A little Philip, the kind of energy that I've not been able to give you for six years.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, you. You suck energy from me. You're an energy valor.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm an absolute parasite.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, you are a horrible little leech man.

[Ed Gamble]

Horrible little leech man. But that's not. I'm not on trial right now. You're the list.

[Matthew Crosby]

Gorgeous face.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you. He gives with one hand, he takes with the other. Yes, you, the listeners are incredibly thick. You've been sending us your thick moments. And we're gonna compile at the end of the show the 12 Listeners of Thickmas. Let's have a few more of these. There's some absolutely fantastic ones here. This one from Steve says, driving my wife and her friend to their friend Lydia's wedding, for some reason I asked if Lydia was married. Regards, Steve. Thank you, Steve, for you to. I mean, I've done some panic small talk in my time, but that really is.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that's stupid stuff, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, very soon she will be. Ask me in 24 hours, the answer will be yes. We've got some in the. We've got some on the, you know, on the screen, if you want to do some off the screen there.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, there was one I wanted to read. You read another one first while I look for the one I wanted to read.

[Ed Gamble]

No worries, Dr. Crystel. Says, hello, Dr. Crystal.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, God. Got it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Sorry, Dr. Crystal, we're gonna pop yours on ice because Ed has got his one.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Claire in Brisbane. Hello. Two thick moments. Number one called a character on a kids TV show a land octopus, as I'd forgotten the word for spider and forgot the term grapevine and said, wine trees.

[Ed Gamble]

Ooh, I like wine trees.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wine trees.

[Ed Gamble]

Wine trees. Thank you very much, Claire in Brisbane. Merry Christmas. This is from Dr. Christell. You've been waiting for it, guys. We're finally gonna deliver it. And the last thing I do at bedtime is turn on my white noise. After spending several hours last week trying to find out if there was such a thing as an extra loud white noise machine because mine sounded too muffled, I finally realized that the second to last thing I do at bedtime is put in my earplugs. Thank you, Dr. Christel. Absolutely wonderful stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Ian and Devon. This one really made me chuckle. Matthew. Whilst working a summer job back in my student days at a meats factory, a colleague was trying to reach a high shelf to bring down a roll of labels. I said, you okay, buddy? His response was, you need arms like a giraffe to reach those dreaming ladies. Arms like a giraffe.

[Ed Gamble]

I love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not a listener, though, crucially, that is about someone else.

[Ed Gamble]

Somebody else. This is from Dave. My wife was reading the local paper and said, dave, how deep are canals? I said, six feet, eight feet, not really sure. She said, well, that can't be right. It says here, horse drawn canal boat trips, they drown. I had to explain about the canal path.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The horses are on the side.

[Ed Gamble]

Horses are on the side.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is from Chris and Chesterfield. I've done this before so this makes me as thick as I listen.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yesterday I went to make a coffee, put the pod in, pressed start, and then noticed I hadn't put a mug there. After stopping the coffee pouring, I cleaned it up, popped another pod in, pressed start and still forgot the mug.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, I love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Just let the coffee run all over the work surface.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely love it. This one is from James in Plymouth. In our flat we were renovating at the time, we didn't have an oven or a working kitchen, so we decided to get a pizza delivered. My fiance ordered a veggie pizza and upon opening the bottom, one of the black olives slid off and onto the dusty floor that was still being tiled. Screaming 5 second rule. I bent down, grabbed the olive and popped it in my mouth. I stood up and thought it Was very chewy and my fiance gave me a quizzical look. Turns out I'd eaten a black rubber radiator mount.

[Matthew Crosby]

The builders were using a five second.

[Ed Gamble]

Rule, the radiators in the kitchen and the black olive was still on the floor. I left it there and walked out. Well, I hope you came back at some point. Cheers, James from Plymouth. Thank you, James. That is fantastic. I love. I love that one.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thickos man.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you have another one there?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I mean, this is a classic from Ben Mac, something I do semi regularly these days. Might be early signs of dementia. Who knows? When making a cup of tea, I'll do something like put the milk in the cupboard and put the teaspoon in the fridge.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

We don't have teaspoons anymore. They've all gone at some point somewhere.

[Ed Gamble]

Right.

[Matthew Crosby]

We don't know where they've gone, but I'm pretty sure I've thrown them in the bin. Yeah, in a yogurt pot. Whole thing. Finish with this, chuck it all away. Chuck it all in the bin.

[Ed Gamble]

More money than sense. You make more money than cents.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, no, not really. I mean, I've not bought any new teaspoons.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true. You should buy some.

[Matthew Crosby]

I bought my initial teaspoons and then I've thrown them all in the bin and I've not bought any more. So it's not more money than Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

Christmas is just around the corner.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, buy myself some teaspoons.

[Ed Gamble]

Get yourself some lovely teaspoons.

[Matthew Crosby]

My mum's been asking what I want for Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

Teaspoons, please, Mummy.

[Matthew Crosby]

Teaspoons, please, Mummy. Because I keep throwing them in the bin when I have my yog. Yog.

[Ed Gamble]

This is wet. This is wet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Lay here.

[Radio X Announcer]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X. We have the thickest listeners in radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hi. Down the chimney tonight. Well, there's no need for that amount of vocal fry at Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

There's a lot of vocal fry from the Alice's there. Lots of vocal fry. Of course, we don't like fry at Christmas. We love a lovely roast. Of course we do.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not in the morning. We're frying some bacon in the morning.

[Ed Gamble]

Are we? Why are you frying bacon in the morning?

[Matthew Crosby]

Or sometimes ham and eggs.

[Ed Gamble]

My typical, typical Christmas breakfast. And it's Ed Gambler, Matthew Crosby, by the way. My typical Christmas breakfast always smoked salmon, scrambled eggs. Lovely, lovely stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

And will we have Christmas breakfast this year? Because we're going to my mum's. We'll probably just wake up late and.

[Ed Gamble]

You'Ll probably just grab something at The Wild Bean Cafe, won't you, on the.

[Matthew Crosby]

Way there, I'll buy some sort of pasty.

[Ed Gamble]

Some lovely pasty. Some lovely steak bake on the way there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cab driver to stop.

[Ed Gamble]

So we're asking you. Of course we're asking you. Oh, I wonder if it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Merry Christmas. I'll treat you for. I'll treat you to something.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever you like.

[Matthew Crosby]

Whatever you like.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever you like. Up to the £10. There you go. Whatever you. £5.

[Matthew Crosby]

Having any idea how much I'm paying for that cab.

[Ed Gamble]

That's a very good point. Right. Anyway, we're talking to you, the listener, about how thick you are.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, my goodness.

[Ed Gamble]

So thick.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, my. Too short planks, the lot of you.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. So keep Those coming in 83936 on the text or WhatsApp us through the global player if you want to be in the twelve listeners of Thickmas Song at the end of the show.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is beyond thick, I think, Matthew. This is almost like animalistically stupid.

[Ed Gamble]

This is what I want to hear.

[Matthew Crosby]

I submit this with permission, on behalf of my wife Kerry, who also listens.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[Matthew Crosby]

Recently, as a grown adult who is a mother to three children, Kerri sat on the edge of our bed and tried to be extra efficient by putting both her socks on simultaneously. As she lifted both feet, she fell forwards, nearly knocking herself out on the unit in front of her. Merry Thick.

[Ed Gamble]

Ms. Kane, I appreciate. Because you think, how much time am I wasting doing one at a time? You know, if she'd found an amazing life hack, we'd all be doing it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But. Yeah, really hard to do if you're standing up as well.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolute moron.

[Ed Gamble]

This is from Carol Ann Bossom. Hello, Carol Ann. I have a late entry for Listener Blunders. Listener Blunders.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's how thick you are, Caroline.

[Ed Gamble]

That's how thick you are. I've been saying Manchit out with a hard G instead of mangetout Since I was 20, thank you very much. She doesn't say how old she is.

[Matthew Crosby]

No. With a hard G. Did she say.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

So let's not say what she actually said then. You said monjee tout mangi. Mangi. Oh, you're thinking it's yeah, yeah. It's a dwelling. You're thinking it's. Yeah, let's not dwell. That's not dwelling on it.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not gonna make it into the song anyway.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is great. This is from Beverly Rycroft in Cape Town, South Africa. Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, Merry Christmas to you.

[Matthew Crosby]

I once reported my handbag Stolen after trying on a coat in a department store, I got security to close all exits and cancel my cards.

[Ed Gamble]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

Shortly afterwards, security footage showed me stopping to look at the coat, then place my bag carefully middle of the nearby handbag display. After a few turns in front of the mirror, I return the coat to the rack, look around, then run in panicked circles before sprinting off camera. My bag was still there when security went down. Your bag blended in with the other bags. With the other bags.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

You've made a real error there, of course. But yeah, total thicko.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolute thicko.

[Matthew Crosby]

Classic Bev Rycroft.

[Ed Gamble]

This is from Jen in Malvern, who she's actually shopping her son here. My son asked, how. How long do I do this for? Fully pumping the caffety air plunger up and down, up and down, up and down. Coffee splurging hither and thither. He's 26. Love the show despite everything. Thank you, Jen.

[Matthew Crosby]

How long do I do this?

[Ed Gamble]

How long do I do this? Everywhere. Everywhere. Do we have time for a slightly long one? This one is from James, who says I'm a thick listener. I knew the day was off to a great start when my car battery greeted me with the enthusiasm of a hibernating sloth. He's a writer, this guy, isn't he?

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh yeah, I'm in.

[Ed Gamble]

He's painting a picture with words. He really is. Flat as a pancake. No problem. I thought I would rescue it. I heroically yanked the battery out, charged it up like Dr. Frankenstein bringing life to his monster, and prepared to reinstall it with my trusty sidekick, a pair of pliers that had already seen too much. This is really dangerous, man. Once the battery was fully charged and feeling far too confident, I leaned in. Pliers ready? Oh, mate. The moment metal touched metal, the thing unleashed a jolt big enough to make my ancestors feel it. I fell backward onto the ground like a cartoon character, arms flailing, dignity vaporized. After a moment of lying there contempl life choices, I got up, dusted myself off and announced to no one in particular, round two. I grabbed the pliers again.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh dear.

[Ed Gamble]

Because apparently I'd learned nothing and tried. Well, he almost wasn't and tried reconnecting the wires. The battery responded with another electric shock so dramatic it could have won an Oscar. My arm jerked like it was trying to break dance. The pliers whipped up and smacked me square between the eyes. And he's ended this by the words pretty think, which I think it means pretty thick, but that's how we like It. We like our listeners thick to the bitter end.

[Matthew Crosby]

Pretty thing.

[Ed Gamble]

Thank you, James. Keep Those coming in 83936 on the text. Oh, my God. What are we playing now? Snow Brackets Hey O by the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Merry Christmas, everybody, and to all good night. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Radio X Announcer]

This is the Radio X heyday.

[Matthew Crosby]

Matthew is currently writing the 12 listeners of Thickness.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got a strange thing going on.

[Matthew Crosby]

Although I do keep showing you videos on the.

[Ed Gamble]

I tell you. Tell you what, you've. You did get a second wind during that, where you were. Suddenly you had four different videos you wanted to show me. You wanted to sing a song to me as well. Yeah, but, yeah, the Grinch video was very.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, parents, look at the video of the gig I was at last night.

[Ed Gamble]

It looked like a good gig. You know, these are. This is all good content. I'm enjoying all of it, but I do, crucially, have to do this work. But it's. It's a deadline I've set myself and this is very much. This is very much my life. I. I over promise and I hand it to deliver.

[Stuart Laws]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And that's.

[Matthew Crosby]

But we know that it's not an over promise because we know what we're getting.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's true.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I promise and I deliver.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Producer Vin]

You're talking to yourself as you're writing as well.

[Ed Gamble]

I do mutter. Yeah, Yeah. I get that from my dad. He is. He is one of. He's one of Bromley's great mutterers. And yeah, my dad and I, we've both got the same trait and it's getting worse and now. So I often do, when I'm writing on a job, I'll be. I'll be in a cafe and I will literally be going.

[Matthew Crosby]

That when you write on traces unclothed, because there's a lot of.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, that's right. I can't do that in a cafe.

[Matthew Crosby]

You can do it with say yes for the dress.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah, of course. Of course I can do on say yes for the Dress. If, if anything, a little crowd gathers around to hear what I'm muttering. Because you know what people do, like say yes to the dress spoilers, if they can get them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But, yeah, no, I've been muttering away, but I think I am most of the way through the 12 listens of thickness.

[Matthew Crosby]

But if somebody has a way of telling.

[Ed Gamble]

What's that?

[Matthew Crosby]

There's an easy way of telling how far you are through it.

[Ed Gamble]

I know that, Ed. And don't be facetious, you little tykes.

[Matthew Crosby]

There's no, I've been. I've been told that so much in my life. Don't be facetious.

[Ed Gamble]

But you love it.

[Matthew Crosby]

What else? Am I gonna stay?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, exactly.

[Matthew Crosby]

You are. That's my whole personality.

[Ed Gamble]

Your personality is facetious.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm a cheeky little facetious boy.

[Ed Gamble]

You are. You are a naughty little oik.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm like everyone's favorite cousin, but I.

[Ed Gamble]

Can swap out any line at any point, basically, is what I'm saying. So if you still want to enter.

[Matthew Crosby]

But no, let's write the lines first. Write all the lines before you start talking about swapping them out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. No, I'm.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's 21 minutes past 10. You've got to get on with this.

[Ed Gamble]

I am almost finished.

[Matthew Crosby]

What are we doing? When are we doing the song? What time?

[Producer Vin]

Time, then I reckon It'll be about 10 to 11.

[Matthew Crosby]

Right, 10 to 11. We're normally gone by then. If we could make it in the.

[Ed Gamble]

Next five minutes, surely we can clock off at 10:38 today. It's Christmas. Come on, Scrooge.

[Producer Vin]

Maybe quarter two.

[Matthew Crosby]

Put a film on.

[Ed Gamble]

Put flubber on. Surely I do like flubber. Oh, who doesn't like flubber? What a movie. Anyway, this has been a good link.

[Radio X Announcer]

Mask, you crobly. And Radio Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X. I don't know.

[Matthew Crosby]

Happy holidays, everybody. Whoa.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Foo Fighters on Radio X.

[Ed Gamble]

Run, Rudolph, run Run, Rudolph, Run My. Can I shock you?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

My favorite Christmas song.

[Matthew Crosby]

That is a shock the.

[Ed Gamble]

It is my favorite Christmas song. The Foo Fighters version of Run, Rudolph Run is the best Christmas song. Don't debate me.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's the best Foo Fighters song.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the best Foo Fighters song as well. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what? It's the best song. I think we can all agree that is the best song that's ever been recorded or written. Thank you very much to Dave and of course, Pat and of course Nate and of course Chris. Chris, yes. Currently Ilan. They've got a guy. I don't know. Listen. I don't know.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, you know, Vin said we need something for this link that is not listens of thickness. I said we can probably fudge a link. Little did I know it would be. Guess the name of the Foo Fighter.

[Ed Gamble]

Guess the name of the Foo Fighters new drummer.

[Producer Vin]

They've swapped drummers with Nine Inch Nails.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, is it Josh Freeze, then?

[Producer Vin]

No, Josh Freeze has just gone to Nine Inch Nails. Right, so whoever was in Nine Inch Nail or was touring with Nine Inch.

[Ed Gamble]

Nails beforehand, by the way, I don't dislike that as a thing. That's, you know, like, you know, the TV show Wide Swap, Band Swap, where a member joins another. You know how the way Rick Astley joined the Smiths for a bit, you know, like, like, like that sort of thing. Yeah, that's. That sort of. By the way, I work with Rick Astley recently.

[Matthew Crosby]

Here we go.

[Ed Gamble]

I work with Rick Astley.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And have you ever. Have you ever met a celebrity, paid them a compliment and they think you're making fun of them? Because I think Love this Christmas is a phenomenal Christmas Christmas song, which is Rick Astley's Christmas song.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And I said to him, I've just got to say to you, Rick, I think you're absolutely brilliant. And I love, love this Christmas, which I'm imagining he's not getting all that off.

[Matthew Crosby]

Sure.

[Ed Gamble]

Right. If someone said, you know, people talk about the Rick rolling and all that kind of stuff, but I said, I. I love, love this Christmas. It's a huge song in our household. And I did say year round. Right. That sounds like.

[Matthew Crosby]

Sounds like you are. Now I'm taking the P. It does.

[Ed Gamble]

Sound like I'm taking the B. But I wasn't at all. Because what we. We love, love this Christmas, Charlie and I.

[Stuart Laws]

Are you.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're like those weird people who celebrate Christmas every day?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I'm not like Mr. Christmas. I'm not like one of those sort of borderline slash completely mentally ill people. No, no, I'm not. I'm not like that. But it. But there's never a time when you don't. You don't want to sing. What do you want? Why do you need.

[Producer Vin]

No, I haven't heard.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you not heard? Love this Christmas. Is it on? Is it on the Radio X playlist? I don't imagine we've got to put it on. Listen, if we're playing Run Rudolph Run by the Foo Fighters, we should be playing that.

[Producer Vin]

That's the best song of all time.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

I mean, if we've got Ocean Color Scene doing Jingle Bells or whatever else.

[Ed Gamble]

We'Ve got, we should definitely.

[Producer Vin]

I wish we had that.

[Ed Gamble]

Can we play a little bit of Love this Christmas on the show?

[Producer Vin]

I'm gonna. Yeah, okay. I'm gonna find it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. Crops and bubbles. What's the longest pig you can imagine? Well, it's the long pigs, of course. Ed Gambler, Matty Crosby here on radioact.

[Ed Gamble]

On radioact. Whoa, guys. My goodness.

[Matthew Crosby]

Long pigs, long end.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a long end to a song, isn't it? Yeah, they really. It's the last song they ever recorded, of course, because they smashed up all their instruments at the end and they couldn't afford new ones. Naughty support loves. Anyway, we're not here to talk about that. We're here to talk about Rick Astley's Christmas song. Love this Christmas. What a belter it is.

[Matthew Crosby]

You love it and me and then never heard it. Oh, here we go. Why would you like this Christmas?

[Producer Vin]

Beautiful, gorgeous bit of gravel.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah, he's got pipes.

[Ed Gamble]

But don't worry. Here we go.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, Okay, I really want to describe what's happening in the studio here. Matthew is at this moment the most embarrassing man in the world. World?

[Ed Gamble]

What you talking about?

[Matthew Crosby]

There is no one more embarrassing than you right now in the whole world.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got my Christmas jumper on. I'm dancing around to Rick Astley.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you for wearing the off menu.

[Ed Gamble]

Christmas off. Many Christmas jumper on. Of course. But I'm.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm for free, by the way.

[Ed Gamble]

And thank you for that.

[Matthew Crosby]

About 50 quid.

[Ed Gamble]

Got plenty. What do you want? Do you want me to send you some money? It's not how you're supposed to give gifts.

[Matthew Crosby]

It wasn't a gift. You asked for one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Can you give me one?

[Ed Gamble]

You said, what do you want for Christmas? Like this, like.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I didn't.

[Ed Gamble]

You just said, what do you like? What do you need for Christmas? And I said, one of those jumpers. Papers, please.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hey, can I. Yeah, you can have 50 quid. Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I should have asked for 50 quid.

[Producer Vin]

This is the best song ever.

[Ed Gamble]

It's so good, isn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Another non profit show.

[Producer Vin]

This is good.

[Ed Gamble]

It's really good.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I'm enjoying this. But stop doing that. That is awful. Matthew. What? Leave the house.

[Ed Gamble]

I've had a couple of sherries. I'm enjoying myself.

[Matthew Crosby]

I can't believe you went to chapel. Rona did that.

[Ed Gamble]

I did actually do. Yeah, I did. I knocked my. I knocked my baseball cap off during H O T T O G O. I was so nervous about. So nervous about getting the arm. The arm things wrong. Not my baseball cap off anything. Yeah, yeah, you know, the arm things. Oh, the dance. That's what I mean. What's the phrase I'm looking for? The arm things. The dance.

[Producer Vin]

Have you written your song yet?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I haven't written my song. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hat. Hat. Yes. It's busy in the studio.

[Ed Gamble]

I frantically write the final lyrics. Guys.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, guys.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't tell me it's the time already.

[Matthew Crosby]

Matthew has nearly finished his 12 listeners of Thickmas Song his new yearly trip tribute.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, you do. The thickos out there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Out there in radio land. Trapped in radio land, of course, because you can't find the door. We got this one in Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

From a thick listener saying, asked if coal goes off.

[Ed Gamble]

Great.

[Matthew Crosby]

Mary C. Mary C. Written as one word. Yeah. Mary C. Asked if Cole goes off. Still don't go off.

[Ed Gamble]

Still don't have the answer.

[Matthew Crosby]

Still don't have the answer.

[Ed Gamble]

Still don't have the answer. Does Cole go off?

[Matthew Crosby]

Why are you dealing? Is this to go in the bottom of someone's stocking or something?

[Ed Gamble]

How long have you had the coal for, really?

[Matthew Crosby]

And why are you using coal?

[Ed Gamble]

Why using coal? Crucially, you know that's not just thick. It's irresponsible. It's irresponsible. Right, guys, I think I'm ready to do it. Okay, so we've got.

[Matthew Crosby]

Matthew, do bear in mind, if you mess this up, the whole year is ruined.

[Ed Gamble]

I know, I know. There's a lot. Oh, don't think I don't understand the tremendous press pressure on my shoulders.

[Matthew Crosby]

What's great about you, Matthew, is you don't put pressure on yourself for any of the important things.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I never have. You've seen me at real work.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I couldn't be more laid back.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. So laid back doesn't wear shoes or socks?

[Ed Gamble]

Just. Yeah. Walking around in a sarong eating pasta del natas. Just barely doing a scrap of work and then suddenly I'm like, oh, no, I've got to do this thing that no one cares about. Okay, here we go. This is the thing that no one cares about. This is the 12 listeners of Thickmas here. Here we go. Our listeners are thick. Here's how thick you Thickos are. Punch yourself in the ghoulies. Thought leather came from crocodiles Wore a mattress like a blanket Thought spiders were land octopi Ate a bit of radiator Thought hairdressers were left handed Ibuprofen on a biscuit. Er, Majesty, does Cole go off? Is Lydia wed, James Bond ain't real and the strokes is a bum, not a knee. Merry Christmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

Merry Christmas. Well done, Matthew. That was fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

There we go. The year's been saved.

[Matthew Crosby]

A good tip as well. If you do want to get in Matthew's 12 listens of stickmate song, just make sure you send him the message on the day he writes it. Because I say majority of them, most of those were right in front of him today.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. I've got a very short memory.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So that's why the. Cole made it in, because it was literally the last thing.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I've got to put that in.

[Ed Gamble]

As the last thing I've read. Well, it's been a one. It's been a wonderful. It was not the end of the year. We're back next Sunday, aren't we?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Final show of the year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Live, live, next Sunday.

[Ed Gamble]

Live. Cannot wait to get out the house. Yeah, very exciting. So, yes, we'll be here next Sunday. Thank you very much to all your thick listeners. We've got a few extra thickos. We're going to stick on the podcast as well. So get the podcast for that. But from all of us here, goodbye, good night, Merry Christmas, God bless.

[Producer Vin]

For every house.

[Ed Gamble]

I love Geese, the band Geese and a Geese and the. The album Geese for every house.

[Producer Vin]

Oh, man.

[Radio X Announcer]

Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, there we are. Matthew, that was a show. A wonderful closing song from you, I thought.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I really enjoyed it. I had a really good time.

[Matthew Crosby]

You look really nervous at the beginning.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, I was nervous, but I think, you know, I mean, I'm a sort of nervous guy, but I do enjoy putting myself in these nerve wracking situations and I enjoyed it. I had a really, really fun time singing it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Loved it.

[Stuart Laws]

It's.

[Ed Gamble]

It is. It is mad, isn't it? I wanna, I think, think I probably sung on the radio more than many wonderful singers. You know, like there are people out there who are like, you know, there's. There's people listening to this who are like, well, I'm a singer songwriter. I work really hard on my music. I get, I get my voice singing on the radio terribly. Songs that. No, you know, songs that I've written 10 seconds before I sing them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Your songs have appeared on this show more than Billy Eilish.

[Ed Gamble]

That's true. We all remember the one time we played and the switchboard lit up with angry dads.

[Producer Vin]

I reckon you sung on the radio more on all radio than Frank Ocean has.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you think that's. No, I reckon that's true. No, there's. Do you think more than Frank Ocean? I love Frank Ocean.

[Producer Vin]

He's great.

[Matthew Crosby]

Right. Are we gonna do better acts?

[Ed Gamble]

White Ferrari. Anyway? We are gonna. We can do better.

[Matthew Crosby]

Make all songs sound the same as well.

[Producer Vin]

Just getting the count up though, isn't he?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, betracks. Quickly, quickly. The other show's coming in.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't have any beret recs.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay. I watched the second season of the rehearsal.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I do have a bet rec. Sorry. Yes. How's the second season of rehearsal?

[Matthew Crosby]

Perfect effects.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I really like the first season.

[Ed Gamble]

I really like the first season because I loved the episode of Nathan for you. That was kind of based on. I thought that was brilliant. I'm gonna let Joe in.

[Producer Vin]

So you get up around us.

[Matthew Crosby]

You will love the. The second season is incredible television.

[Ed Gamble]

I can't wait to watch it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's so good. Well, that's.

[Ed Gamble]

That's something to watch over the festive period. I saw, you know, I've got a BET rep, but I forgot because I saw it on Saturday of last week, but I saw Romish's play.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, did you?

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And that's what it's called, isn't it?

[Ed Gamble]

It's Romeish Play.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's Romish's play. This is it.

[Ed Gamble]

I was talking to Crane about it. He's like, so did he write it? It's like, no, it's not. It's Alan Acorn's play. But. But yeah. Really? I mean, I. Ramesh, he loves to work. It's an absolutely.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, you hope so.

[Ed Gamble]

It's an absolute insane undertaking that he's decided to do 100 plus performances of a play.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And it's the. It's eight born as well. I was talking to him afterwards. He said, like, you're not allowed to change a word.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

The Eight Born estate get very. You know, they had to have someone from the Eight Born estate to watch the first performance to check the.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's very funny that Danny and everyone on the. On Danny's team is trying to come. Come in.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, they're all trying.

[Matthew Crosby]

Get on. Get on the air. And you are talking about Alan A. You're waffling on about Alan aorn.

[Ed Gamble]

It's Christmas, guys.

[Producer Vin]

Come on, guys, please come in.

[Ed Gamble]

We're just finishing. Come in. As many.

[Matthew Crosby]

We're just talking about Alan.

[Ed Gamble]

You all are welcome. Come in better and Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Coming to know me better, man.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's Big Danny Wallace.

[Ed Gamble]

Big Danny Wallace.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hi, guys.

[Ed Gamble]

How you doing, Danny? You're right.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm very well, thank you. Good. Hop on a microphone for compensate. Hello, everyone. What a Christmas treat to have you on the podcast outro.

[Ed Gamble]

Because there's. We've sort of in Covid. We sort of gave up on the idea of handovers and stuff like that, didn't we? And it's just never. It's never happened. But we could. Do you know what? We could have got you to work a little bit more and I to work a little bit less if you come. If you come for the last link of every show.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, that would be wonderful. How do you see here as well? Don't forget, Steve's here.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course. Joe's here, Steve's here, Danny's here, the whole game.

[Matthew Crosby]

How do you feel, Danny? Just we get this quickly before you have to do your show. How do you feel that every week we insinuate that you're 300 foot tall? I like, makes me feel 300 fe.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you ever get people meeting you going, I assumed you'd be taller.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, everyone always thinks I'm tiny. That's the weird thing. And so they're surprised when I'm sort of man sized. Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You are crucially a normal sized human being.

[Matthew Crosby]

Basically, I'm 300ft tall.

[Ed Gamble]

You're 300. Sorry, let's.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let's keep it. You're Godzilla.

[Ed Gamble]

Of course you're Godzilla. Well, before you destroy us like you would Mothra, we're gonna go. But a Merry Christmas to all our listeners.

[Matthew Crosby]

Melanate Born to Mothra.

[Ed Gamble]

Exactly. Like I say, get a show that can do both.

[Producer Vin]

Can I just back wreck sipping on Voddie?

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yes.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, of course. Are you familiar with sipping on Voddie with Ricky G?

[Matthew Crosby]

No.

[Producer Vin]

Oh, you'll love it, actually.

[Matthew Crosby]

Really? Sipping on Body with Ricky G. Sam Campbell.

[Ed Gamble]

Sam Campbell. I'm working.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you go on Sam Campbell's Instagram, which is McDonald's comedy, and watch his video Zipping on Body with Ricky G.

[Ed Gamble]

It's the best thing. It's absolutely fantastic. Yeah. And of course, for balance, we should also recommend Dutch Barn vodka. If you are going to drink this Christmas, drink responsibly and do drink Dutch Barn Vodka.

[Matthew Crosby]

And watch Derek.

[Ed Gamble]

Watch Derek.

[Matthew Crosby]

Merry Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

I tell you what, it ages better every year anyway. We've simply got to go. Have a wonderful show. Danny.

[Matthew Crosby]

Can I also say Merry Christmas?

[Ed Gamble]

Merry Christmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

Merry Christmas.

[Ed Gamble]

Merry Christmas to all and to all, good night.