Episode 342 – Show 342 (with John Kearns and Rob Auton)

Summary

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Ed Gamble & Matthew Crosby on Radio X

Episode 342 – Show 342 (with John Kearns and Rob Auton)

Date: January 11, 2026

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Overview

This episode marks the 342nd edition of Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby’s Radio X show, affectionately known as Crunch & Crumble. The hosts celebrate yet another idiosyncratic milestone: every 57th show—why 57? Not even they remember—but it’s a “big one” for the pair. In this special, they’re joined by two of their favourite comedians and regular guests, John Kearns and Rob Auton. Expect hearty tangents about comedy, bizarre radio format ideas, touring, breakfast rituals, heavy metal, door installation, and the enduring comedy of daily life.

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Main Theme

The episode is a riotous celebration of the show’s unique “57s” milestone, loaded with callbacks, in-jokes, and meta-commentary on their own radio nonsense. With guests John Kearns and Rob Auton, Ed & Matthew gleefully tumble through whimsical conversations about comedy, the absurdities of daily routines, listener emails, and their guests’ latest projects—with plenty of asides, running gags, and “is this even radio?” moments.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Show 342: ‘The 57s’ Celebration

• The hosts celebrate their sixth “57th show” (every 57th episode), poking fun at the arbitrary ritual.
• [09:51] Ed: “We celebrate every 57 shows as opposed to every 52 shows... We don’t celebrate yearly. We celebrate a year and five weeks—57ly!”
• “Breathy Lady” voice provides over the top, reverent introductions to the milestone, compiling highlights from show 285 and referencing how little sense these traditions make.

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2. Meta-Narrative: How To (Not) Make a Radio Show

• The team riff on their lack of radio experience and increasingly nonsensical “structure.”
• [10:22] Matthew: “Can [Breathy Lady] do it every week?...that’s the pressure off us a little bit.”
• Speculating about AI and “franchising” the show:
  • [10:56] Ed: “This is where AI steps in.”
  • [11:14] Ed: “Crucially... as long as the AI’s doing the work, the Breathy Lady’s doing the reading, and our names are still on it and we still get paid, that’s the main thing!”

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3. Listener Interactions & Banned Emails

• Producer Vin refuses to share “guess the technique” emails after a previous week’s offhand remark from Ed triggered a deluge.
• [01:38] Vin (Producer): “I refuse to put them on the document.”
• [02:54] Matthew: “God, you can’t do anything these days on the radio.”
• Ed laments the “glory days of XFM” when things were less censored.

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4. Comedic Banter and Personal Anecdotes

A. Massages and Paper Pants

• Embarrassing stories of massages and uncertainty about paper pants etiquette.
• [05:04] John Kearns: “I’ve got the towel over me.”
• The joys and perils of oily, see-through paper pants.

B. Christmas Rituals & Domestic Antics

• Ed and Matthew detail post-holiday home vibes; Ed’s family replaces Christmas decorations with village-fête bunting.
• [16:00] Ed: “Your house is like a village fate.”

C. Puppetry of the Penis & Random Stage Shows

• Nostalgic (and bemused) discussion about infamous “Puppetry of the Penis” shows and their oddball franchising.

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5. Guest Segment: John Kearns

A. Montages, Touring, and Show Titles

• John discusses his upcoming tour “Tilting at Windmills” and shares rejected show titles (“Milk Tray Man”, “Dolphins in Venice”, “Guinness Nitro Surge”).
• [31:02] Matthew: “Ambrosia Knights is a good title.”
• [27:57] John: “You do a lot of press...you get calls from people that have no idea who you are and you gotta flog your show and the title always...is baffling.”
• The origin of “Tilting at Windmills” (from watching a Christopher Lee documentary).

B. Comedy, Algorithms, and PVC Animal Videos

• John admits his Instagram serves up ever-stranger “shiny PVC animal” content.
• [23:12] John: “Obviously I’m watching that till the end. And I’m getting a lot more PVC animal things.”
• [24:25] Matthew: “I get tattooed women farting in a bowl of custard. You know, normal stuff.”

C. Inventing New (Awful) Game Shows

• The crew pitch “Pooh Bet”: a game where celebrities are pictured and contestants guess who’s using a toilet.
• [34:01] John: “Right, you want me to visualize this box now?”
• [34:55] Matthew: “She looks like...a PVC cat, doesn’t she?”

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6. Guest Segment: Rob Auton

A. On Tour: ‘Can—An Hour Long Story’

• Rob explains the premise of his new show about a man called Can, once the world’s best motivational speaker.
• [38:49] Matthew: “...tour starting 19th Jan at Soho Theatre and worming its way across the UK until April.”

B. Monumental Eating, Buffets & Mexican Onions

• Rob recounts over-indulging on a Mexican holiday:
  • [42:14] Rob: “I just went on holiday and I put on a stone and a half in two weeks.”
  • [42:40] Matthew: “What are you having when you wake up...for a breakfast buffet?”
  • [43:03] Rob: “All the different onions, you know... that’s when you know you’re in Mexico.”

C. Doors, DIY, and The Cost of Modern Living

• Rob’s ongoing saga to buy a new front door—with Ed and Matthew incredulous over the cost and lack of pricing transparency.
• [40:01] Ed (on door selection): "You’ve got to look at a lot...catalog and choose doors."

D. Nightclub ‘Bogs’ and Toilet Attendants

• Rob is asked if he’s ever had a Chupa Chup “from the bogs” (via a bathroom attendant).
• [44:36] Matthew: “Taken from a bouncer... or are they specifically a toilet man?”
• [45:19] Rob: “I can’t remember the last time I went into a toilet and someone offered me like a Chupa Chup.”

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7. Regular Nonsense and Closing Riffs

A. Music & Metal

• Matthew’s “cheery” heavy metal track pick: “Kill It, Skin It, Wear It” by Man Must Die (to Ed’s dismay).
• Frequent jokes about never actually knowing which band is playing next.

B. AI/Automation & ‘The Traitors’ TV Show

• Bantering about AI taking over the show, and their shared love for “The Traitors” (BBC reality show).
• [53:07] Vin: “Want to try [a slowed-down Traitors version of ‘Birdhouse In Your Soul’]?”
• They all break into an impromptu, deadpan rendition.

C. Backrecs & Life Updates

• The team give up on recommending anything new for “backrecs” this week:
  • [52:24] Rob: “Nothing.”
  • [52:32] Matthew: “I just don’t have anything to recommend. I’m so sorry.”

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• Ed Gamble, on the 57-show milestone:
  "We don’t celebrate yearly. We celebrate a year and five weeks—57ly!" [09:54]

• Matthew Crosby, on listener emails:
  "God, you can’t do anything these days on the radio." [02:54]

• John Kearns, on stand-up show titles:
  "I was gonna call it something like ‘Two Chevrons Apart.’ So when they go, what's that about? You could just explain, well, when you drive on a motorway, you should keep two chevrons apart. But I didn’t." [27:58]

• John Kearns, on his Instagram algorithm:
  "Obviously I’m watching that till the end. And I’m getting a lot more PVC animal things." [23:12]

• Matthew Crosby, on home furnishings:
  "Your house is like a village fate." [16:00]

• Ed Gamble, pitching game show ideas:
  "Basically, imagine this: You got a big box...there are celebrity faces—right? You’ve got to work out which one is sat on a loo currently pooing. It’s called Pooh Bet." [33:36]

• Rob Orton, on buffet eating in Mexico:
  "All the different onions, you know...that’s when you know you’re in Mexico." [43:03]

• Rob Orton, on 'bouncer' Chupa Chup lollies:
  "I can’t remember the last time I went into a toilet and someone offered me like a Chupa Chup." [45:19]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:10–03:00: Ed, Matthew & Vin banter about show emails and the “57” milestone.
• 09:40: Official start of show 342 celebration; Breathy Lady’s grand intro.
• 13:44: Montage of show 285; confusion about time and meta-commentary.
• 16:00: Post-Christmas house antics (“Your house is like a village fate”).
• 19:57: Ed and Vin discuss the Wombats and music choices.
• 20:11: John Kearns joins; discussion about “forgotten” music, Instagram weirdness, and possible show titles.
• 31:02: Matthew praises “Ambrosia Knights” as a rejected show title.
• 32:22: Plug for John’s gigs at Wilton Music Hall and Walthamstow.
• 33:36: Pitch for the “Pooh Bet” game show.
• 37:13: Rob Auton joins; discussion on names, wordplay, and “Rob Robert.”
• 38:49: Rob details his new show, “Can—An Hour Long Story.”
• 42:14: Rob admits to gaining a stone and a half on holiday due to buffets.
• 44:36: The infamous “Chupa Chup from the bogs” question for Rob.
• 46:30: Quick riff: “Doesn't The Rock look great?”
• 48:01: Rob shares knee injury and running tips; crowd-sources help.
• 53:07: “Traitorized” version of “Birdhouse in Your Soul.”
• 53:55: Outro; chaotic wrap-up referencing show structure and lack of recommendations.

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Original Tone and Style

High-octane, self-effacing, frequently digressive—and joyfully irreverent. The hosts thrive in creative chaos, with an improvisational “is this still a radio show?” energy, ribbing each other, the guests, and the concept of broadcasting itself. In-jokes, awkward silences, and running gags abound (“Is this Wombats?”; strange feature pitches; surreal listener emails).

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Final Thoughts

This episode is classic Crunch & Crumble: a comedy-of-errors morning show celebrating the silly, trivial, and absurd. The milestone for their 342nd—or, more importantly, their 6th “57th”—show, gives excuse for a giddy, freewheeling catch-up with John Kearns and Rob Auton, each adding layers of eccentric, Brit-comic invention.

A warm, surreal, and thoroughly British celebration of offbeat comedy and friendship, complete with odd traditions, dodgy gameshow ideas, and baffling ‘backrecs’. Tune in for confusion, stick around for the laughs.

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Transcript

[Ed Gamble]

This is a global player original podcast.

[Breathy Lady]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hello and welcome to the Ed Gambler Matthew Crosby show and Radio X podcast of the radio show that we do on Radio X. Although a lot of you only listen.

[Ed Gamble]

To this bit which is absolutely fine. However you get your Ed Gambler Matthew Crosby radio show is fine. However you get your kicks. Is fight. Well, within reason.

[Matthew Crosby]

Within reason legal.

[Ed Gamble]

We'll talk about that in a second. But first, if you do hear any drilling going on, it's because they are slowly rebuilding the global building and tearing.

[Vin (Producer)]

It apart at first.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, no, that's. It's Capital Extra. That's the hot new track drill music.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it?

[Vin (Producer)]

It's also. Cause the studio door is broken. You can see it's slightly ajar at the moment and they're fixing that next week.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's just. Should we just level the building?

[Matthew Crosby]

Let's just call it.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's just call it. Radio's dead. Let's level the building. It's a very exciting show today. It's show 342.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So we talked more about it. Is that close to what the tune was?

[Matthew Crosby]

You've gone very. And I'm sorry to say this Ralph Harris.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely. Listen, I've got the facial hair already.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But anyway it's the show 342. We celebrate every 57 shows. We'll talk more about that in the show proper. Now normally we'd be reading our emails. Reading out all the wonderful emails you've sent. Sure. This is a pre record so it's only a couple of days after we did our last show. But that's not the reason we're not reading out the emails. We got emails but Vin has said we're not going to read them.

[Vin (Producer)]

I refuse to put them on the document.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Because basically I said on last week's podcast that I only realized that the technique for. Was in the. From the hand gesture insulting you when people. Well, it wasn't actually me being insulted but I saw someone do it and I went, oh yeah, that must be how you do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's happening behind your back.

[Ed Gamble]

It was happening behind. Impressive. I could see it. Yeah, that's. I had such.

[Matthew Crosby]

So you. Fantastic. You let everyone know that you had a different technique and now people have been guessing your technique.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, I said I was gonna. I said I was going to. To tell you and you said no, don't do that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And then I said, well I'll tell you what, everyone can guess if they like make it a texter. And oh, my God, the engagement. We got so many people wrote in.

[Matthew Crosby]

Poor Vit. Vin looks harrow quite sad.

[Rob Orton]

He does.

[Ed Gamble]

You look really. You look haranguous.

[Matthew Crosby]

Can we read through some of the best ones?

[Rob Orton]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Come on. I'd love to. I'd love to. They're not in the documents. We've got.

[Matthew Crosby]

We've put them in the document.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got one.

[Vin (Producer)]

I'm not bringing this to it.

[Ed Gamble]

One message.

[Vin (Producer)]

I don't like reading them.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, but you don't have to read them. I'll read it. Just see that they're about that and stick them in the document and I'll read them.

[Matthew Crosby]

We've got diagrams. Do people send in diagrams?

[Vin (Producer)]

No, thankfully not just descriptions.

[Ed Gamble]

So apparently you can't send those in anymore because if you do send them in, you're shouting into a hollow tree. Exactly. Yeah. Because I won't.

[Matthew Crosby]

God, you can't do anything these days on the radio.

[Ed Gamble]

This is it. This is it. You know, whenever. I mean, you must get this a lot. Whenever you say, oh, I'm a comedian, or, you know, that's my job, and people go, oh, it must be a hard job now, because you can't.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it is.

[Ed Gamble]

I always say, yeah, yeah, yeah, it is.

[Matthew Crosby]

We do a radio show and Matthew asked people to guess how he used to. And the producer wouldn't even let us look at the emails.

[Ed Gamble]

That's mad.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's mad, Vin.

[Ed Gamble]

Surely that, like. I tell you what, I tell you what, in.

[Matthew Crosby]

In the.

[Ed Gamble]

In the glory days of xfm, that would have been an on air texter.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely.

[Ed Gamble]

It would have been an on air text.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely not.

[Ed Gamble]

Sean Keaveney would have done that as an on air texter in the glory days of xfm.

[Vin (Producer)]

It's not the right taste.

[Matthew Crosby]

Tie a thread to the end of it, attach a thread to a door and then slam the. Slam the door.

[Vin (Producer)]

Oh, what were you saying about the door earlier?

[Ed Gamble]

We'll do that in the outro, because we haven't talked about it in the. In the main thing.

[Vin (Producer)]

Well, we didn't talk about it in the main thing anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, have you cut it out?

[Vin (Producer)]

No, but. And the main thing. We said we'll talk about that on the podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, but I.

[Matthew Crosby]

But.

[Ed Gamble]

But that's in the body of the.

[Vin (Producer)]

Show, so you could talk about it now.

[Matthew Crosby]

The show doesn't make sense anyway.

[Vin (Producer)]

Exactly.

[Ed Gamble]

I used to use a shutter book on it anyway. Pre. Pre. Knowing what it was. I used to shut a heavy book on it and think, oh, that feels nice.

[Matthew Crosby]

A sexy book. Or just Any book.

[Ed Gamble]

Just any book.

[Matthew Crosby]

Dictionary, probably.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, absolutely. Dictionary by name. Yeah. Anyway, Sean said it. Very lovely.

[Matthew Crosby]

Biggest book in anyone's house, I think.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Unless you've got a whole Encyclopaedia Britannica.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's true. Yeah. But we.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm working my way through the Encyclopedia Britannica showing off.

[Matthew Crosby]

We had the CD rom.

[Ed Gamble]

So, yeah, I. Carter. When I was a kid. Anyway, listen, this is a message from Sian. Very, very lovely message that, you know, saying that. How much the show has helped her. But she's got a good. Embarrassing, not embarrassing. Anyway, my embarrassing, not embarrassing is when you go for a massage and they leave the room and tell you to give them a shout when you're ready.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, absolute.

[Ed Gamble]

I think. I think it should be. They shouldn't. They should knock, basically. They should think, how long does it take an average person to get their clothes off and get under a towel? What are you talking. Two minutes?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that's.

[Ed Gamble]

That's enough time for most people to get themselves onto the table, then knock and then you can say, but putting it in your.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm in my.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm in my pants now.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I've got the towel over me.

[Matthew Crosby]

I hate having to be like, leave my pants on. Should I leave my pants on? I always ask that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Because sometimes I have a little pair of paper pants.

[Matthew Crosby]

Paper pants. And I don't want to put paper pants.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you got a little pair of paper pants?

[Matthew Crosby]

Could I put some paper pants on? I'm wearing paper pants. Don't worry.

[Ed Gamble]

I've showed up in my own paper pants. Yeah. Also the paper. Right.

[Rob Orton]

I've had.

[Ed Gamble]

I've had a massage where the paper pants. Because they're using, like, oils and stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

They just go see through immediately.

[Ed Gamble]

What's the point?

[Matthew Crosby]

And you're quite oily anyway.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got a greasy person. Oh, you've brought your own oil and your own paper pants.

[Matthew Crosby]

You've ruined so many encyclopedias.

[Ed Gamble]

Really.

[Matthew Crosby]

Look like fish and chip paper by the time you're done with it.

[Ed Gamble]

Completely see through. My dad going to do some research. And by research, I mean, you know, like father, like son.

[Matthew Crosby]

Who's ruined my book? That was my book.

[Ed Gamble]

Look, all right, I tell you what. Okay, listen, you and your two brothers, we're gonna have to divide up the title of Peter Britannica. I am definitely getting A to C. Right? Cause I'm D. So I'm getting A to C then. Matthew, you're next. You're getting the D. You should be very happy about that. Anyway. And on we go. Anyway, my embarrassing. Not embarrassing. Yeah, I feel like a numpty. Shouting. Ready. For some reason I don't know how loud to shout. It's even worse if I don't get a reply and need to shout again. Wishing you all a great 2026 Sian. Thank you, Sean.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you, Sean. I'm sorry.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a really good one. Really, really sorry.

[Matthew Crosby]

Sorry for showing. Get your own back during your email.

[Ed Gamble]

A fantastic show. We've got Rob Orton, we've got John Kearns. Enjoy it, folks.

[Breathy Lady]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby. That was me, the breathy lady saying Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby just then. I'm good, aren't I? And now here I am saying this. Thanks, well done. And indeed bad luck for tuning in to Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X. Specifically today's episode. Today is a big one, but more of that in a second. Before we turn our attention to today, let's take a look back at Sunday 8th of December 2024. Notre Dame Cathedral reopened to the public. McLaren won the World Constructors Championships in Abu Dhabi. And that's so True by Gracie Abrams was at the top of the charts. Sunday 8th of December 2024 was also a landmark episode of Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X. It was show 285, or to put it in more complicated language in a more difficult to understand way, but ultimately in the only manner it should be spoken about. Sunday 8th of December 2024 was the 5th iteration of the Show 57 celebrations. And today we hit iteration number six. It's show 342. It's the big one. Monumental, enormous, gigantic. A big, big love. The last time this show celebrated a 57th milestone. On show 285, the previous week's guest was comedian Jon Cairns. And the following week's guest was comedian Rob Orton. Today, as we celebrate Show 342, another 57th milestone, the guests are comedian Jon Cairns and comedian Rob Orton. Now let's get down to business. Strap in. This is Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on Radio X. This is show 342. And this, according to our most up to date Data, is the 342nd best song on the Radio X playlist. This is Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Today is a momentous occasion. It is Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby on radio X show 342.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, indeed. Now we've for some reason that is lost to me.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it would be lost immediately after it happened.

[Ed Gamble]

We celebrate every 57 shows as opposed to every 52 shows. So here we are at 3 or.

[Matthew Crosby]

50 or 100 or 50 or 100.

[Ed Gamble]

Exactly. Yeah. We don't celebrate yearly. We celebrate a year and five weeks.

[Matthew Crosby]

57Ly.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, exactly. 57ly. Exactly. So it's 3, 3, 4, 2. Fantastic. Very exciting. Huge thanks to the Bretti Lady.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Doing the intros takes the pressure off of us a little bit.

[Matthew Crosby]

It does. Can she do it every week? Maybe.

[Ed Gamble]

Now we're talking. Now we're talking. This is because Vin wrote it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Breathy lady read it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Breathy Lady]

Now you.

[Ed Gamble]

You famously hate to do the intro to it. We hate doing the show.

[Matthew Crosby]

Don't do it now. Do the show with Breathy Lady. I mean, does she have to do everything you send her? Is that her job? Basically, she.

[Vin (Producer)]

She's never said no yet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, so can we send her? And this is a big shout, all of the links for our show.

[Vin (Producer)]

Well, we'd have to pre prepare them. That's the problem.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, no, you can pre prepare them. Me and Matthew don't even have to come in.

[Ed Gamble]

Surely this is why we can just.

[Matthew Crosby]

Be the names of.

[Ed Gamble]

This is where AI steps in.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, this is where we. We basically franchise the show. It's a Breathy Lady. We can be like Puppetry of the Penis.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely.

[Vin (Producer)]

To use AI arguing for it.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, you should. I mean, crucially, as long as the AI is doing the work and the Breathy lady is doing the reading and.

[Matthew Crosby]

Our names are still on it and we still get paid and the cash.

[Ed Gamble]

Is coming to us, that's the main thing.

[Vin (Producer)]

Quite a big stipulation.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a huge stipulation, but it's unfortunately, that's a line in the sand.

[Matthew Crosby]

Speaking of Puppetry of the P. Yes. Did you know that they franchise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get other P's to do the puppetry.

[Ed Gamble]

They. I went up for that, of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, of course.

[Ed Gamble]

What, I mean, how do you think about. Firstly, how did they come up with the idea in the first place, if people don't remember? Puppetry of the Penis. This was absolutely huge in Edinburgh probably about 20 years ago. Australian fellas, Australian fellows who would make their genitalia into a variety of different.

[Matthew Crosby]

Shapes and it would be like. I mean, I wouldn't see it in Durham. Very gala theater. It's the only time when I've been in an audience where you couldn't go into the gents toilets because the women were using that as well. Genuinely.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, it was.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, it was like me and maybe 450 women and they just Are using all the toilets.

[Ed Gamble]

See, to my mind, women are just not that interested in that sort of thing. Right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, P of the P. Yeah, it was all hen do's. Of course it was.

[Ed Gamble]

I guess so, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

They weren't going like, ooh, look at that. They were going like, haha, look at that.

[Ed Gamble]

Look at how disgusting men are. Here's the proof.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, this is a bit of wet leg. Very appropriate, Very appropriate. Here on Radio X.

[Breathy Lady]

Radio X, Matthew Crobley and Radio Ed.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X. I don't know. Show three, four, two. Yes, indeed.

[Matthew Crosby]

We celebrate every 57 shows here on the Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby show.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't know why.

[Matthew Crosby]

So 57 shows ago. I don't even remember what was happening back then, Matthew. But apparently, luckily, Vin's prepared a compilation package.

[Vin (Producer)]

Some of the best bits, some of.

[Matthew Crosby]

The best bits from Show 285, Radio X. We got this in from Anthony. See if you enjoy this, Matthew. It says, hi, Matt, Chris and Vin. He's very naughty and he spits nails at people. I do remember falling off my computer chair.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you know what? This week I've been looking at Instagram.

[Matthew Crosby]

Andy the painter's wearing a suit. Thank you, Andy. Thank you.

[Vin (Producer)]

Hello.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's start the show proper, shall we? Oh, how are you?

[Matthew Crosby]

You're very well? This show is weird and bad.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a weird, bad show. So you know what, what we said at the end of that, I wholeheartedly agree with. I was, I was waiting to say it and then we said us from the past said, this is a weird, bad show.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, so this is us back now, because I'd imagine it's quite confusing.

[Vin (Producer)]

That was us listening to the montage of the. Of the previous celebration last time.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's show 285 now, 8th of December. This is far too difficult for listeners to follow. I mean, I was listening to end of that one and I thought, is this me now? Okay, now, this is us now.

[Ed Gamble]

This is us now.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that wasn't us now. That was us talking about us being now in 285. But this is back to 342 now.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, this is 342 now. This is the current show, 2026.

[Matthew Crosby]

Big laughs in the studio listening back to that.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, Well, I mean, obviously Fern popping up is of course Fern Brady saying hello. Oh, absolutely lovely.

[Vin (Producer)]

From years ago as well. We just. As long as we play it on the 57th episode each time, I can include it in the montage, but that.

[Ed Gamble]

Was, that was sort of an inception of a montage there in that. It had bits of previous 57 shows in it and it was very. I mean but it really made me go cross eyed towards the end. But this currently is today.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's nice to know you've been looking at Instagram on show285.

[Ed Gamble]

How. How far things have come.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Now I barely look at it.

[Matthew Crosby]

You barely look at it because you've got a block on it.

[Ed Gamble]

I've got my little brick that I use to stop you looking at Instagram.

[Matthew Crosby]

Which the police gave you. Right.

[Ed Gamble]

They've said you've got to.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, it's less of a brick, more of a ankle tag.

[Ed Gamble]

If they see me going towards Instagram.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

I get a little taser shock and yes, I fall onto the floor, I convulse and I wet myself.

[Vin (Producer)]

Well, that'll be heard on 399 I guess.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't like this show. Is this, is this Wombats? This is Ash. Oh, it's ash.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's on 399. Definitely.

[John Kearns]

Radio X.

[Breathy Lady]

Ed Gamble and mother Matthew.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X Now, Matthew, of course we're into January now.

[Ed Gamble]

We are.

[Matthew Crosby]

But the festive feelings and the season's greetings do not ebb away very quickly in your house.

[Ed Gamble]

No, they don't.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're a Christmas man all year round.

[Ed Gamble]

I love. You know what? I'm not one of those sort of like psychopathic people who puts their Christmas decorations.

[Matthew Crosby]

Mr. Christmas. Like Mr. Christmas or the Baked Bean guy.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, exactly. I'm not. I'm not one of those.

[Matthew Crosby]

You are, I'd say a bit of a British, British eccentric.

[Ed Gamble]

I like that. Yeah, yeah, definitely. Now I've taken my Christmas decorations down now because otherwise it's bad luck. Yes, it's bad luck. My wife wanted to keep the wreath up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

But I think that's still.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's asking for trouble.

[Ed Gamble]

That's asking for trouble.

[Matthew Crosby]

Our wreath is still up and our tree's still up.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it?

[Matthew Crosby]

The decorations have come off the tree but the lights haven't. I think we should just have a pine tree in the house all year long. It smells nice. It makes me feel good.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you know what, it's a sadder looking house once you. That day is very, very tough. When the kids came down this week on Tuesday and they said, well, firstly little Noel Gallagher's high flying birds wandered around the room for ages going, something's different. Something's different. What's different?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

And then she realized she's not going.

[Matthew Crosby]

To be a detective.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I don't Think so. She won't do well on Traitors. But. But she did say, have you, have you moved the lamp? And I said, yes, we have moved the lamp. But why? It was early in the morning, wasn't it? But yeah, but yeah, it's a. It's a sadder looking room and we've got, you know, we've taken down our Christmas decorations. We've put up. We put up, put up bunting in its place. So there is still, you know, some sort of decoration.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Your house is like a village faith.

[Ed Gamble]

It is very much like a village faith. Always eating a cupcake, always having some homemade jam. Yeah, very much dancing. We dance around the maypole every morning as well. Oh, that's what I should do. Put a maypole in there. Yeah, that's what I should. This is what I should.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think you should open your living room every morning like you're opening the Christmas fair.

[Ed Gamble]

I would love to do that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cut a big ribbon.

[Matthew Crosby]

No one's gonna show up again.

[Ed Gamble]

I'm very used to that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Get the guy from.

[Ed Gamble]

But get Paul Ready from. He plays Kevin on Motherland. He can. He can do every Sunday morning because I'm. Crucially, I'm not around on a Sunday morning.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm doing this.

[Ed Gamble]

So I'll invite Paul Ready around to my house to give my kids breakfast and dance around a man.

[Rob Orton]

Ready.

[Ed Gamble]

Brett.

[Matthew Crosby]

Call it Ready Breck.

[Ed Gamble]

Call it Ready Breck. This is great. I'll send him an email. I'm sure I can speak to the. The people who organized the Christmas fair at Greener and Cleaner and say, can I have Paul Ready's email? I want to invite him round.

[Vin (Producer)]

No, they won't. They won't give that out.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, they won't.

[Matthew Crosby]

I want to invite him round. They shouldn't call it.

[Ed Gamble]

We're calling it Ready Break.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's a deal breaker.

[Vin (Producer)]

I don't think you'll be able to get in touch with them. I can't see this at all.

[Ed Gamble]

I bet you I will. How much you want? How much do you want to bet? Let's, let's. Let's make this. Let's make this interesting.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's wonderful to watch you fall for this.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't think you can get in touch with him. He's trying to make radio happen, Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, and it said he's succeeding.

[Matthew Crosby]

I steadfastly refuse.

[Ed Gamble]

You refuse to do a radio show.

[Matthew Crosby]

I will not do a radio show.

[Ed Gamble]

I. I think I can do it.

[Vin (Producer)]

I don't know, man.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you can get him on the show. I'd say we'll give you two weeks.

[Ed Gamble]

Two weeks to get Paul ready on the show?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I can get Paul ready on the show. Phone call. We want a phone call from him. Or a voice note at least.

[Ed Gamble]

I can do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Vin (Producer)]

I mean, I. I would like a visit, really.

[Matthew Crosby]

He's not coming in.

[Ed Gamble]

He's not coming into this.

[Vin (Producer)]

How complimentary.

[Matthew Crosby]

He can't come in on Sunday morning because he's gonna be at Matthew's house.

[Vin (Producer)]

Okay, all right. Can he call in from your house in that case?

[Ed Gamble]

All right. Wait, you've moved the goalpost here, mate. So he's got to be in my house calling me on this show? Yeah, yeah, from my house. Whilst he's feeding porridge to my kids.

[Vin (Producer)]

Maybe we could FaceTime him.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, okay, fine.

[Matthew Crosby]

It doesn't have to be porridge. It's called Ready Breck.

[Ed Gamble]

But, yeah, yeah. It's just because it's breakfast.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is it porridge your kids eat?

[Ed Gamble]

They do eat porridge.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. Or Cheerios.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Is that it?

[Ed Gamble]

Toasted with peanut butter. Toast with honey. Sometimes the peanut butter's got some chopped up banana on it. Very, very nice.

[Matthew Crosby]

Full English.

[Ed Gamble]

They would never do a full English. They like pancakes, though. Love a pancake. Love those pancakes.

[Matthew Crosby]

You've got to get them on the full English.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not either.

[Matthew Crosby]

Or is it?

[Vin (Producer)]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

What's that?

[Vin (Producer)]

They're different things.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, I know they're different things. Yeah, yeah, that's why I said it. If it was the same thing, I wouldn't have said it. Anyway, listen, we're not here to talk about.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's not what this link was supposed to be.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, it wasn't at all. But anyway, it was a good. It good link. It was a strong link. It is, of course, show. 3, 4, 2. And this is, of course, is it Wombats?

[Vin (Producer)]

No, no, it's the Fratelli's this time, surely.

[Matthew Crosby]

For sure.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got to play Wombats at some point or we played them already.

[Vin (Producer)]

You'd imagine so.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is the Wombats.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the Wombats, Radio X, Ed.

[Breathy Lady]

Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Well done, boys. Pearl Jam alive. Here on Radio X, it's Ed Gamble, it's Matthew Crosby, and we're delighted to be joined by our first guest of the show, our first scoop for dad, the brilliant comedian John Kearns. Hello, John.

[John Kearns]

Good morning to you both.

[Matthew Crosby]

Morning, John.

[John Kearns]

Lovely to see you. Well done, boys as well. Fantastic track. I'm glad they recorded that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Ed Gamble]

So good I mean, we'd be a poorer world, wouldn't we, if Pearl Jam hadn't recorded.

[Matthew Crosby]

If they'd forgotten to hit record. That would have been a disaster for those Pearl Jam guys.

[John Kearns]

All the great bands out there that forgot the press release.

[Matthew Crosby]

Think of all the songs we've lost out on because someone's not hit record.

[John Kearns]

I think. I think, like the. Like with. You know, like how the funniest people in your life are not comedians.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[John Kearns]

It's like, imagine if they tried.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Disaster.

[John Kearns]

Like the music we've got are the people that tried.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

But imagine there's someone who's like, There's a Paul McCartney out there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Who can't.

[Matthew Crosby]

It can't be bothered.

[Ed Gamble]

Doesn't have an ego. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I do think that is true. All the funniest people in. In all of our lives are not comedians, but they have not. They. If they were asked to be comedians, they could not form that humor.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it because what they say is a little bit un. PC. Is that what you're trying to say?

[Matthew Crosby]

They don't know how to control.

[Ed Gamble]

They sail a little bit close to the wind. Yeah. It's not, you know. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I mean, if you ask me, like, if you turn the mics off. Dark room. What do I. Top 10 Things I'm Finding funny in the past week.

[Vin (Producer)]

Can I.

[Ed Gamble]

Can I just ask, why does the room have to be dark? Why does the room have to be dark? For starters.

[John Kearns]

Turn the lights on.

[Matthew Crosby]

11. In Stranger Things, you have to be in a dark bath.

[John Kearns]

Turn the lights back on. No, but, yeah, bath room with a bath.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Not connected to any water. Lights on. Lights off. Lights on. Me saying 10 horrific things. Lights off again.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Forever. Lock the room.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, how much of the show have you written so far? Cause I know you're off on tour next month, but that's a good show.

[John Kearns]

Lights on. Lights off. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll say. I cannot. I cannot stress how much I will take that right now.

[Ed Gamble]

You should.

[Matthew Crosby]

You should.

[Rob Orton]

Lights on.

[Matthew Crosby]

Like topping the bath.

[John Kearns]

Just listening.

[Matthew Crosby]

What?

[John Kearns]

I. Just getting my phone out.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. And going, right, here's some horrific stuff.

[John Kearns]

Here's 10 things that I've found really funny this week.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

That I've really laughed at this week.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I'm telling you now, it's not on the BBC. It's not on the global network.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

It's on four wall WhatsApp chat. I got something the other day. I. I'm on Instagram, but I don't use it.

[Rob Orton]

Right.

[John Kearns]

I Was watching a video and written over the video is, your algorithm has found you. As in, don't blame us for.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

It was like a guy dressed as. Like a pvc.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, sure.

[John Kearns]

Raccoon.

[Ed Gamble]

And it's. You know what? You can give me 100.

[Matthew Crosby]

His tail was as big as him.

[John Kearns]

And he was trying to get on an inflatable.

[Ed Gamble]

And it said, your algorithm has found you.

[John Kearns]

Well, obviously, I'm watching that till the end.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I'm getting a lot of more PVC animal things.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because that's presumably. It's not fur. What, are they not furry?

[Matthew Crosby]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

Are they shinies?

[Matthew Crosby]

Shinies, yeah, they're squeaky.

[John Kearns]

Well, squeaky. Well, they're squeaky. So I'm watching another one where there's these two.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh.

[John Kearns]

I don't know who's in them, but it's like. It's like a bear and a cat.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And they're. They're. And they're hugging, but in the middle of them is a balloon that gets.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a huge.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're on a sex algorithm. You know that, right?

[Ed Gamble]

You realize you're a pervert, right?

[John Kearns]

No, no, no, no, no. You take that back, you bleep it, you edit it out. They're hugging, the balloon bursts that they hug.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

That's not. That's not sex.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not pure, though, is it?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I know it's not sex, but it's. It's approaching something that you would find sexually titillating, apparently.

[John Kearns]

Well, I laughed.

[Ed Gamble]

I think I'm laughing my head off.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Like, I'm thinking, what.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't get any of that on my.

[Ed Gamble]

I've not seen. Well, you know what?

[John Kearns]

I actually was saying this to someone the other day.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

They were like, I don't get anything like that, but I don't want it.

[Matthew Crosby]

I've just got normal stuff.

[John Kearns]

Like what?

[Matthew Crosby]

Like, I get a lot of watches, I get a lot of music. I get tattooed women farting in a bowl of custard. You know, normal stuff.

[Ed Gamble]

All the normal.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I get the last one.

[Ed Gamble]

So we'll talk about. We have to talk about the tour. We will talk about it after we played Franz Ferdinand and possibly swapped you out with a different guest. John Kearns, comedy.co.uk Ed Gamble and Matthew.

[Breathy Lady]

Crosby on Radio X. We're a show. That's the back of the sewing.

[Matthew Crosby]

John Kearns. He's popped his glasses on his head. He looks exasperated already.

[John Kearns]

Do you know what I was thinking about?

[Ed Gamble]

Do we want to know Matthew, you said my.

[John Kearns]

My website. John Kern, comedy.co.uk Ticket needs if you want to see me on tour.

[Ed Gamble]

Whatever.

[John Kearns]

When I was getting that website, someone else had. Johnkearns.com.co.uk yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And I was like, well, I don't know who that is.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

A mate of mine about six years ago bought it because he. He said, look, you don't own this, so I'm gonna buy it for you. And whenever you need it, just let me know. Yeah, Completely forgot, he's a plumber.

[Ed Gamble]

Can you have it now?

[John Kearns]

Maybe it's one of these things where you click, you can type anything in and it'll come up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Anything. Google.com go straight to your website.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

If you've got one of those browsers.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

The thing with me is you need to download a browser.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. A specific browser. Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And then you use it like the normal Internet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

But anything you type in it will come up with my tool names.

[Ed Gamble]

So you're not just launching a tool, you're launching your own browser.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Like, is Firefox still a thing?

[Ed Gamble]

The Mozilla Firefox? I'm sure it is. I'm sure someone's still using Mozilla Firefox.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you're into the comedy of John Kirk and PVC animals.

[John Kearns]

Browsers. Different browsers are like, what's your face? But it's funny how you. You tell yourself they're quicker than the other. Or like, there's like another.

[Ed Gamble]

You strike me as a Chrome guy.

[Rob Orton]

What's.

[Ed Gamble]

What are you working with at the moment? You're not. You're not just Safari, are you?

[John Kearns]

What's the one with the. The guy wears dark glasses and a hat?

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that like. Do you mean like the incognito browsing? Yeah, that's. Of course, that's what you like. But of course, with different browsers, you get different styles of Windows. And. John, your show is called Tilting at Windows. Tilting at Windows. Yeah. They're not listening, please.

[Vin (Producer)]

Laughing at his own joke.

[John Kearns]

Ignoring the plug.

[Matthew Crosby]

Tilting at Windows. And you're on tour from February to November this year.

[John Kearns]

Tilting at Windows.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Tilting at Windows. Windmills says Windows here.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, Tilting at Windows. I literally was going to ask, why have you changed the classic phrase tilting at windmills to tilting at Windows?

[Matthew Crosby]

Now, that's annoying. Because it was such a good link from browsers to Windows to the show.

[John Kearns]

Tilting at Windows. Yeah, I'm doing.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm not really messed us up here.

[Vin (Producer)]

Yeah, you're right. I apologise.

[Matthew Crosby]

And of course, with different browsers, you get different windmills. And that brings us to your show, Tilting at Windmills.

[Ed Gamble]

Jon, are you okay, man? Yeah, good, good. So tell us a little bit about this tour, which is called, of course, Tilting at Windmills. Like the Don Quixote phrase.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Oh, very good. See? So you know it, do you?

[Ed Gamble]

I know it, yeah, of course I know it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Matthew remembers when that came out.

[John Kearns]

Wow.

[Matthew Crosby]

Looks old guy.

[John Kearns]

Looks good for it.

[Ed Gamble]

Thanks, man.

[John Kearns]

I. I genuinely thought about naming a show, like, something after some. Like, basically in this situation. I know you both, so I'm kind of fine with it. But, you know, you do a lot of press.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[John Kearns]

And you get calls from people that have no idea who you are, and you gotta flog your show and the title always, you know, is baffling or something. So I was gonna call it something like two chevrons apart. So then when they go, what's that about? You could just explain, well, when you're driving a motorway, you should keep two chevrons apart. But I didn't. I've called it Tilting at Windmills, which, you know, is just. I was watching a documentary on Channel 5 about Christopher Lee.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, yeah?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

And this guy went, it's like tilting at windmills. Tilting at women. He said the phrase. He used the phrase in real life.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

I'm going. I'm looking at him thinking. I'm not actually sure what that means. Looked it up, went, all right, there we go. I do have a list of what other show titles, actually, please.

[Ed Gamble]

And then will you explain for the listener what it. What it actually means?

[John Kearns]

Yeah, well, we might get to that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, sure.

[Rob Orton]

All right.

[John Kearns]

That was a list I made on the train up here of everyone who's on at the time you're on. On radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, let's not read that out.

[Matthew Crosby]

We don't want.

[Ed Gamble]

You can't do that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Give him the options.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Desert Island Discs.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's like.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, we get the podcast to that. Surely. And listen to us live. Anyway, let's move on. I tell you what, Jon, since it's taking you so long to find it on your phone, we're gonna play some music now. You find it on your phone. We can do it after this. Okay.

[John Kearns]

This is the milk tray, man.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. This is the spirit. I think you might get a cease and desist for that.

[Breathy Lady]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X. We have the thickest listeners in radio.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, okay. So we still, as you can hear from him, muttering into the microphone, the live microphone. We're still joined by the brilliant John Kearns, who you may know from his wonderful stand up comedy. You may know him from Taskmaster. He's a fantastic performer. He's currently on tour, I should say. The show is called Tilting at windmills. It's a UK tour from February to November. Long old tour. 2026. John Kearns comedy.co.uk you can't go to John Kearns.com because that's owned by a plumber. So John was going to tell us some of the titles he rejected. He's still looking through his phone.

[Matthew Crosby]

John, you found the list.

[Ed Gamble]

Now, if it's not Tilting at Windmills, if it's not from Don Quixote, what, what would you have called your show? Milk Tray man was one of them. Milk Tray man, yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I love that.

[John Kearns]

Dolphins in Venice.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay.

[John Kearns]

Because my mate said, do you remember in Covid there were dolphins in Venice? And I liked how that sounded.

[Ed Gamble]

Going down the canals. Yeah, yeah.

[John Kearns]

Dolphins in Venice.

[Ed Gamble]

In Venice. It's good.

[John Kearns]

Sustaining hot drinks from Adrian Mole.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Guinness Nitro Surge.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Again, you're, you're, you're going for brands.

[John Kearns]

Ambrosian Nights.

[Ed Gamble]

I don't know where I got Ambrosia Nights. I really enjoy.

[John Kearns]

Where did I get that? Well, bro, the custard.

[Ed Gamble]

Ambrosia Cream Rice is what we think of all the custards.

[John Kearns]

Yeah, that's my algorithm. Ambrosia Knights.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's a good title.

[Ed Gamble]

Would it be spelled. Would it be spelt Knights as in with an N or with a K? With a K. Because it could also be very Tilting at Windmills, couldn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Lovely photo shoot for that one. Dressed in a suit of armor, covered in custard.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, and is that. Were those your titles? But you've gone with. You've gone with Tilting at Windmills.

[John Kearns]

Well, yeah, I have gone with Tilting at Windmills because I liked how it looked alongside the other ones, like in a line.

[Ed Gamble]

So is your poster. All of those titles but crossed out and then Tilting at Windmills underneath The Way it Is. Oh, I like that.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's you speaking truth to power. Right?

[Ed Gamble]

It feels a bit GB news that. The way it Is. It feels. I think Katie Hopkins tour is called the Way It Is.

[John Kearns]

I've got a phrase that I'm trying to get into the if it ain't woke, don't fix it.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay, More from John Kearns in just.

[Matthew Crosby]

A little tune into lbc Radio X Crops and Bobbers. We've tried in vain to plug John's show, but it is called Tilting at Windmills. It's touring February to November this year. John Kearnscomedy.co.uk for tickets. It will be wonderful.

[Ed Gamble]

Where are you playing in London, John, so I can come and see you?

[John Kearns]

Wilton Music Hall.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, what a gorgeous venue.

[John Kearns]

And the one I'd like to plug is Soho. Wolfram Stowe.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[John Kearns]

In September.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Fantastic.

[Ed Gamble]

Bit too far for me.

[John Kearns]

Bit too far for me.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, then don't do it. It's off, okay? It's off. It's gone. That one's cancelled.

[John Kearns]

Guys, I'm just gonna read out all the lists of. I've just realized where I live and where I tour and everywhere's a bit too far for me.

[Ed Gamble]

The tour's off, guys, the tour's off. Sorry about that. So it's a UK tour, February to November, all dates cancelled. Yeah, it's off.

[John Kearns]

It is off. So go to the website. It disappeared. It disappeared.

[Ed Gamble]

You may as well go to John Kearns.com and buy some new tax or something. Get somebody coming.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

You know when you go on an old website and it's. It's. Oh, God. That. What I was about to say.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

Is it cannot be why they invented radio. Just how boring it was going to be.

[Matthew Crosby]

Have you heard this shot?

[Ed Gamble]

Let's not. Not let that. Not pull at that thread. John. John, we'd love to ask you a question. And I think this is why. I think this is why they. INV radio. We've come up with a new format for a TV show.

[John Kearns]

Fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

We want to know if you want to be involved.

[John Kearns]

So.

[Ed Gamble]

And I think you'd be very good on this show either as a. As a guest guesser or as one of the kind of contestants on the show. Basically. Imagine this. You've got a big box, okay. Little flaps in the box open up. There are celebrity faces, Right. Could be possibly your face, right? You've got to work out which. Which one of those celebrity faces is sat on a loo currently pooing.

[John Kearns]

Right?

[Matthew Crosby]

It's called Pooh Bet.

[Ed Gamble]

It's called Pooh Bet. Pooh Bet. Pooh bats.

[John Kearns]

Right, so. Right, you want me to visualize this box now?

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, please. Who? So say you're one of the celebrities. It opens up. We've got a John Kearns there, right?

[John Kearns]

No, I want to be the person guessing.

[Matthew Crosby]

You don't want to be.

[Ed Gamble]

Fair enough. You're a celebrity guesser. So you're. You're sat there next to.

[John Kearns]

So it's like a box.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's like Reverse Naked Attraction, basically. You only see the face.

[Ed Gamble]

You only see the face. You've got to work out just from their expression.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

What kind of celebrities do you want to see in that box?

[John Kearns]

Sydney Sweeney, Anthony Wall Thompson.

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. And a big rubber fox.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[John Kearns]

A few inflatable animals. Natasha Kaplinski.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, sure.

[Matthew Crosby]

She looks like a. Sort of. Looks like a PVC cat, doesn't she?

[John Kearns]

She won the first Strictly, didn't she?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Again, this is why radio was invented. The tour is, of course, Tilting at Windmills. It's running from February to November 2026. Except it isn't, because it's all been cancelled. John. Kearnscomedy.co.uk that is where you go for tickets. John, what a pleasure having you on the show.

[John Kearns]

You know, I love coming in, so. You know, I love coming in.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, you've got to come in.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, you've got to come in.

[John Kearns]

You've got to come in.

[Ed Gamble]

There are still these people who want to do it by Zoom.

[John Kearns]

Oh, no, I'm in.

[Ed Gamble]

It's not Covid anymore.

[John Kearns]

I mean, I regret it usually, you know, I'm meeting someone at.

[Breathy Lady]

Radio X. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's always difficult when it's this cold, isn't it, in January. Oh, how am I going to warm myself up? Well, I've picked some music to warm myself up, actually. Now, sometimes I pick bands and songs that I can't legally say on the radio, but I can say both today because they're both very cheery.

[Ed Gamble]

Is it Wombats?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, it's not. It's not one person. I don't know. They might. They might share some members. I don't know if this is a side project for Wombat. The band, Matthew, is called Man Must Die.

[Vin (Producer)]

Ooh.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And the song is a lovely song. Kill it, skin it, wear it. Oh, dear. No. Not happy with that.

[Ed Gamble]

How do you discover you can do that?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I think it's, you know, this is a big sub genre, you know, and if you're into it, you'd probably give it a go.

[Ed Gamble]

You've given it. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'd imagine you have to do quite a lot of training.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

Because you.

[Ed Gamble]

Training, you know, you can't. You can't just. You must have vocal cords of absolute steel.

[Matthew Crosby]

Or it's coming from the tongue.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. Or. Yeah. From the diaphragm.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's coming from the Tum Tum.

[Ed Gamble]

It's coming from the Tum Tum. Yeah.

[Vin (Producer)]

I guess once you've sung let's Dance to Joy Division for, like, the hundredth time. Let's just change up a bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, this is Wombats here. It's Kings of Leon here on Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X, the wonderful and regular guest on this show, Rob Orton. Hello, Rob. Good morning.

[Rob Orton]

Good morning, Ed. How you doing?

[Matthew Crosby]

Very good, thank you. Rob and Matthew. You can ask Matthew how he is.

[Rob Orton]

Good morning, Matthew. How are you doing?

[Ed Gamble]

I'm all right, thank you very much. Rob Robert.

[Rob Orton]

Do you think anyone is called Rob Robert?

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good name, isn't it?

[Rob Orton]

Rob Roberts.

[Ed Gamble]

But Rob Robert, there was Robbie Robertson from the band. The band, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rob.

[Ed Gamble]

Rob, yeah. Rob. Rob from the band.

[Matthew Crosby]

The band, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, you know what? This is what. This is what we need to do.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is there a Rob Robert? Listen, we would.

[Ed Gamble]

We would. [e-mail] if you are, you know. Yeah, we'll accept a Ben Benson or something like that, or a Peter Peterson, but we're really.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, those normal surnames. I think Rob's point is, is there a Rob Robert? Because you don't often know anyone with the surname Robert.

[Ed Gamble]

It could be Rob Roberts, but. Yeah, Rob Roberts.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, we know that, Matthew. That wouldn't be unusual.

[Ed Gamble]

Don't listen, don't turn on me.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I'm sorry. But that was frustrating, wasn't it, Rob? Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Anyway, let's go on.

[Matthew Crosby]

Let's get into the meat.

[Ed Gamble]

Let's get into the meat of it. Exactly.

[Matthew Crosby]

You know. You're being annoying, mate.

[Ed Gamble]

All right, listen, I'm not gonna say another word.

[Matthew Crosby]

He's genuinely upset.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I. I've, you know, I'm upset on your behalf.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, with you.

[Ed Gamble]

You should be upset with you. I'm upset with me for you.

[Matthew Crosby]

But imagine a Man called Can.

[Rob Orton]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because this is your new show, Khan, an hour long story and it's about a man called can, isn't it?

[Rob Orton]

It is, yeah. Second name, not. No, first name. Can. Can. The Story of A Man Called can is my new show. I'm doing a tour of around the.

[Matthew Crosby]

UK starting on the 19th of January, of course, at the Soho Theatre and then worming its way across the UK until April. Rob, are you looking forward to this tour?

[Rob Orton]

I am looking forward to this tour, yeah. I feel like the Christmas break was quite prolonged and it felt like a long one. Not boasting, but it was just. I don't know, I'm pleased to be back at anything.

[Ed Gamble]

Do you do Christmas gigs? Are you the kind of comic who will gig all the way up until sort of like the. 22nd December and do the office parties? And that kind of stuff.

[Rob Orton]

No, it was Christmas Eve and I was thinking, are people doing gigs tonight?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

All right. New Year's Eve. Doing a New Year's Eve gig.

[Ed Gamble]

Have you ever done a New Year's Eve?

[Rob Orton]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

I can imagine, you know, quite a. Well, sort of cult. If it was your gig.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bespoke Rob. Or New Year's Eve gig. And I'd imagine. And you know, not to assume about your audience, Rob, but I'd imagine it would be for people who don't normally go out on New Year's Eve.

[Ed Gamble]

Maybe you could do it in your house. You could invite a load of people around and just read some poetry. Be nice.

[Matthew Crosby]

Go to that invite, invite me over.

[Rob Orton]

Talk about the house. Trying to get a new front door. Have you been through that process recently?

[Matthew Crosby]

I've. I've never had to get a new.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, to get a new front door.

[Matthew Crosby]

No. I'd rather just move out.

[Ed Gamble]

You've got to. You've got to look at a lot. You've got to look at a catalog and choose doors. Yeah, yeah. And then. And it's got to be. It's got to be hung in a certain way. Yeah, it's got a. It's got to go inwards, not outwards.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, yeah, obviously. Why?

[Ed Gamble]

Why obviously?

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, why would you want a front door that goes outwards?

[Ed Gamble]

So you can get in.

[Rob Orton]

But there's never. On the websites we've been looking at, there's no prices.

[John Kearns]

Oh.

[Rob Orton]

It'S a lot of money.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

So they don't tell you on the website how much it's going to cost.

[Rob Orton]

Nope.

[Ed Gamble]

And are you going to go wood? Are you going to go composite, what you're going to go for?

[Rob Orton]

I think wood. Yeah. What's composite?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, composite is not what. It's wood. And another thing, I guess we had to go composite because we were having a porch done as well.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We're having a porch done at the same time.

[Matthew Crosby]

Right.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Someone's doing all right. You may as well build a new house at that point.

[Ed Gamble]

That's sort of what you feel like you're doing when you're having a porch build. You feel like you're building. You're sort of just building a new front of the house. Really.

[Rob Orton]

What cart did you have before your porch?

[Ed Gamble]

That is the sort of thing you can enjoy if you get yourself to rob orton.co.uk and get tickets to see can an hour long story Hench Old.

[Breathy Lady]

And Peculiar Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rob's just told us how much his.

[Ed Gamble]

Front door Rob's told us what he's been quoted and you've got to shop around.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I think you're being ripped off here.

[Ed Gamble]

Really. Yeah, yeah. You've got a. You've got. Do you not get. Do you go to three different people and sort of check. Rob Orton is our guest.

[Rob Orton]

Of course.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes. The brilliant Rob Orton can. An hour long story starts at the Soho Theatre on 19 January, robauton.co.uk for tickets. But do you not sort of speak to three different doormen?

[Rob Orton]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

And. And get the best. Or get the middle price of the.

[Rob Orton]

I think we've got to. Haven't you?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Because I think what you're contemplating paying right now for a door is crazy.

[Rob Orton]

550 grand. You could get a whole house.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Have you been looking on? Right. Move by accident, you go. That's a lovely front door.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. You get the house with it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

We've got to ask you one of our biggest questions in radio, Rob. We've asked. Because you've been on the show so many times. We've asked you so many.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But Rob Orton, what is the most amount of food you've eaten in one period?

[Rob Orton]

I just went on holiday and I put on a stone and a half in.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow. Well done.

[Rob Orton]

I think it was two weeks.

[Matthew Crosby]

I love to hear this. Where were you on holiday?

[Rob Orton]

Went to Mexico.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh yeah.

[Rob Orton]

An all inclusive.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Like the buffet.

[Rob Orton]

I think that's where the wait came from.

[Matthew Crosby]

Talk us through a standard day at the buffet for Rob Orton in Mexico. What are you having when you wake up? What are you going down for a breakfast buffet?

[Rob Orton]

I mean what I loved most about this, the buffet was the. All the different colors of like the. The amount of different onions, you know.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

Like because you've got the really red pickled ones and you got the other ones that have got a bit of char to them and all that. And it was like, yeah, right, we're in Mexico now.

[Matthew Crosby]

And then what a lovely holiday for your wife. You're getting. Eating as many different onions as you possibly can.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah. Before we have an onion and then. No, there was a lady who could make an omelette for you, you know, like a Mexican omelet. And then there was a bagel lady and then. Yeah, it was great. And then I think it was open 24 hours.

[Matthew Crosby]

What? The bagel lady was there doing a 24 hour thing.

[Rob Orton]

No, no, no, it can't have been coming.

[Matthew Crosby]

They must have switched the bagel lady.

[Rob Orton]

No, no, There was a 24 hour tequila bar, though. And you could, I'm sure before 12, you could go back into the buffet. So you go to the tequila, then get back in the buffet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

And. Yeah, yeah. A stone and a half later.

[Ed Gamble]

Did you leave the resort at any point? Did you see any of Mexico popping their onions?

[Rob Orton]

Well, I thought, I wonder how long it take to get to Sao Paulo from here. Can't be that long, you know, Surely you could like tag it on the end. Do you know how long a flight is from Cancun to the other place?

[Matthew Crosby]

I just said, well, eat enough onions, you can probably do it yourself.

[Rob Orton]

Sao Paulo, it's 12 hours. It's the same again.

[Ed Gamble]

No, that shouldn't even be the same country.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, it's not the same country.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, there we go.

[Breathy Lady]

Bill and Matthew, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Your tour can an hour long story. 19th of January at Soho Theatre and touring all the way across the uk. We've talked about front doors, we've talked about different types of Mexican onions. But now we of course have a very exciting question for you, Matthew. I'm going to ask this one.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Would you like to ask this one?

[Ed Gamble]

No, I'd love you to ask it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rob Orton, have you ever eaten a Chupa chup from the bogs and you know to.

[Rob Orton]

Taken from a bouncer.

[Matthew Crosby]

Taken from a bouncer. Well, are they a bouncer? That's an interesting question. Or are they specifically a toilet man?

[Rob Orton]

They're not a bouncer, are they?

[Matthew Crosby]

No.

[Rob Orton]

Well, they're not a doorman.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, they're not a doorman. They're not going to chuck you out.

[Ed Gamble]

But are they though, are they sort of secretly narking to check nothing nefarious is going on in the cubicle? Is that part of their job? It just so happens that they're standing by some dupe.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

You know, it doesn't. That's just a front, really, to make sure that nobody is. Is canoodling or doing naughty salt.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because it's very rarely a pound in.

[Ed Gamble]

The tray, very rarely about. And if there is a pound, it's one solitary pound that you think he's brought that home.

[Matthew Crosby]

He's put that there to show you what the tray's for.

[Ed Gamble]

Absolutely.

[Rob Orton]

To be honest, I can't remember the last time I went into a toilet and someone offered me like a Chupa chops lollipop.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

I think it's been a long time since I've been in a club, but when it was at university in Newcastle, they were there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

And I was. I was pretty much a no Eye contact person.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, were you still going to wash your hands? I mean, you know, you go to wash your hands and they're all over you. They're trying to put the soap on, they're trying to give you a towel and there's sort of no way of washing your hands without. Without giving them a quid at that point.

[Rob Orton]

No. Well, I think, I mean, what are they doing in a cashless society now?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that's true. Maybe they got a blipper.

[Rob Orton]

Yeah, they probably have, yeah. And then what? You get the full works. It's like, like how much? Two quid.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's got to be two quid on the blipper, isn't it?

[Rob Orton]

I had some dupe, you know, that was one of my first ones.

[Matthew Crosby]

Was it?

[Rob Orton]

Yeah. I love John KE was on, wasn't it? His, his bit about smells being able to make you time travel. Yes, brilliant.

[Ed Gamble]

I think it was Marcel Proust who got there first, but yeah, yeah, yeah. John Kearns is definitely. I can tell you what, you don't want to know what he's been smelling recently. Absolutely. It's absolutely disgusting. I'm. I'm actually, I'm going to ask a different question now because we haven't asked you this before. Rob Orton, doesn't the Rock look great?

[Rob Orton]

Better now? He's lost some weight, hasn't he?

[Ed Gamble]

Well, he's slightly changed his physique. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

He has more serious acting for the.

[Ed Gamble]

More serious acting roles and of course the political career.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because you can't win an Oscar with a neck like that.

[Ed Gamble]

No, no, no, no. Your neck should be a tiny bit slimmer than your head.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

He was going very much for these slightly bigger head.

[Matthew Crosby]

Unless they give him a new Oscar statue where the neck is thicker than the head on the statue.

[Ed Gamble]

Why hasn't the Oscar buffed up? Yeah, I mean, he's got, you know, he's got quite a lean torso. There's def there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But I feel like you should get a chunkier steroids Oscar.

[Rob Orton]

You can't really put muscles on it in your head, can you? Like on your head.

[Ed Gamble]

It's a good point. You couldn't do. You couldn't be like, I'm gonna get a six pack on my forehead.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

Hey, I'm running for president. Check out this cheekbones on our cheek. Cheek muscles. Cheekbones.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. No, well, but I'm, I'm thinking six pack on the bald head.

[Rob Orton]

Is he gonna run for President then?

[Ed Gamble]

Probably, yeah. I'm sure it's only a matter of.

[Matthew Crosby]

Time and he's got my vote.

[Rob Orton]

Exactly. He seems pretty humane.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, he does, doesn't he? Which part of your body are you working on next, Rob?

[Rob Orton]

I'm working on my knees at the moment. Yeah, I actually am.

[Ed Gamble]

I was gonna say the way you. You were basically lunging into here and it was. You look amazing. From the bottom of the. From the ground to just above the knee. You look fantastic.

[Rob Orton]

I've just started running, you see.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Rob Orton]

As many people do. But I started before New Year's Day and my knees hurt a lot. And if anyone's got any tips.

[Ed Gamble]

Are you stretching? Are you stretching beforehand?

[Matthew Crosby]

After?

[Rob Orton]

I'm stretching before I go, yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Warming up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Dynamic stretching before.

[Rob Orton]

And then yesterday I watched a video on. It was called Prehab.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, okay.

[Rob Orton]

Instead of rehab, so you don't injure yourself. And it was for runners. And basically there was just a lot of walking around on your tiptoes.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, that's it.

[Rob Orton]

Which I quite liked.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I think that's a prank. You've been pranked.

[Rob Orton]

When I was cooking some brown rice last night. That takes ages. Yeah, I was doing. Yeah. Walking around on my tiptoes and also standing on my tiptoes and getting back down. Now, apparently that's good for the. Guess which muscle bum. Yeah, I think so. But not the knees.

[Ed Gamble]

Well, if anybody has got any suggestions for how Rob can improve his knees, then get yourself along and meet him afterwards. Get yourself along too. Can an hour long story. The UK's tour starts on 19 January at Soho Theatre, then it's across the UK till April. It's about a man who, at one point in his life, was the world's best motivational speaker. Tickets from robbalton.co.uk and Rob will be.

[Matthew Crosby]

Walking onto the stage on his tippy toes.

[Ed Gamble]

He's gonna be creepy. You'll barely notice he's there.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Suddenly he'll be on stage. You're like, how do you do that?

[Matthew Crosby]

The sneakiest comedian.

[Ed Gamble]

Furtive.

[Breathy Lady]

Creeper Crunch and crumble.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X.

[Breathy Lady]

Is this a riddle or is this a nightmare?

[Matthew Crosby]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby celebrating with all of you wonderful listeners. Show 342. Yes, we celebrate every 57 shows. And what a joyous 57 shows it's been. Oh, so many things have happened that I can't even put my finger on one of them.

[Ed Gamble]

No, I can't. I. I can't even tell you what's happened in show 342. Yeah, but it's been, what. What a ride it's been so far.

[Matthew Crosby]

I feel like show five to three, four, two, when we stopped trying to keep our head above water and just drowned.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, yeah. I call it going with the flow, but you call it drowning. Yeah, yeah. So, of course, if you'd like to predict what you think is going to come up in the next 57 shows, then get in touch Sunday at radioacts.co.uk.

[Vin (Producer)]

And stop sending the other. Those other type of emails to sundayadiox.co.uk.

[Ed Gamble]

He said, I will. We'll talk about this on the podcast because I'd rather really talk about it on the radio.

[Vin (Producer)]

Definitely can't talk about it on the.

[Ed Gamble]

Road, but I set up what I would describe as a slightly blue texter.

[Vin (Producer)]

Slightly maybe illegal, I think possibly.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, it's not.

[Vin (Producer)]

Yeah. The sort of stuff that I'm being sent now.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, is it? Have people send you illegal stuff?

[Matthew Crosby]

Have people sending you pictures?

[Vin (Producer)]

Thankfully not. Not yet.

[Ed Gamble]

Oh, my goodness. Well, anyway, get the podcast if you want to know what we're talking about when you probably. No, I didn't, but actually that's unlocked a memory. We'll talk about that on the podcast. We'll talk about that on the podcast. Well, get the podcast if ye dare. Probably don't get the podcast actually this week, but probably get the podcast to swap anyway.

[Matthew Crosby]

But there's lots of other good stuff on the Global Player.

[Ed Gamble]

Plenty of good stuff on the Global Player, including our favorite feature, Danny Wallace's show, which is just around the corner. Stay tuned for that. But from us, it's Bye Bye, Radio.

[Breathy Lady]

X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, there we go. That was the show. I mean, we've not actually recorded our guests yet. We're doing the outro before we've recorded our guests.

[Ed Gamble]

But I'm assuming they were brilliant. They always are.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, up.

[Ed Gamble]

We're assuming they show up if. Oh, that would be a pain if one of them show up.

[Vin (Producer)]

PR's arrived.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, we can interview the PR.

[Vin (Producer)]

So.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, which PR is it?

[Vin (Producer)]

In fact, it's Perrin.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, we can get Perrin on. She's in here enough.

[Ed Gamble]

I mean, she's probably done the show almost as many times as Vin has.

[Matthew Crosby]

She's been in here in the studio more than me.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah, definitely, definitely.

[Matthew Crosby]

100%. Yeah, yeah.

[Vin (Producer)]

She's all.

[Ed Gamble]

She's always in here. She knows this show. In fact, we were talking about having the Breathy lady host it. Just get Breathy lady and Perrine to it.

[Matthew Crosby]

That'd be a better show.

[Ed Gamble]

It'd be a much better show anyway, so. Well, it was great. Chatting to Perry if you. You missed that. To catch up on the global player. Right. I've got again, I've got no bet, Rex, because we're just, we're so deep into traitors at the moment. We are, we're up to episode nine.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

But the public won't be yet. Yes, but it's very, very thrilling.

[Matthew Crosby]

That week you've just seen, folks. This was a pre recorded show today, by the way. So you would have seen in the, in the public domain. 4, 5, 6.

[John Kearns]

What a treat.

[Matthew Crosby]

What a run.

[Ed Gamble]

You've had a great weekend.

[Matthew Crosby]

This week has been wild for you guys.

[Ed Gamble]

It's so good.

[Matthew Crosby]

And hopefully you're watching uncloaked as well. It's a lot of fun to do.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

Lovely to work with my friend. As opposed to doing this, whatever this is.

[Ed Gamble]

Yeah. Have you got any, got any backrecs?

[Vin (Producer)]

I don't think so.

[Rob Orton]

Nothing.

[Vin (Producer)]

I'm in the same sort of boat. Not done anything and it's only Tuesday.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. So no recommended Freaks last week, didn't I? So.

[Ed Gamble]

Yes, you did.

[Matthew Crosby]

I mean, I just don't have anything to recommend. I'm so sorry.

[Rob Orton]

No.

[Ed Gamble]

And also when I finish, I mean they're, they're very intense days for you. I would say that much.

[Matthew Crosby]

The double record days.

[Ed Gamble]

The double record days are very intense. But I'm. I'm watching you do that and I'm also watching the next episode to write the script. So. So when I come out, I don't feel like, oh, let's explore some new music.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

So I just, I just put on like you might be giants or something.

[Matthew Crosby]

You couldn't really know. To slow down versions of things to.

[Ed Gamble]

Traitorized versions of Birdhouse in your soul. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, that'd be a good one.

[Ed Gamble]

That would be a good one, wouldn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Cuz it's got like. Lyrically it's quite sort of cryptic.

[Vin (Producer)]

Anyway, you want to try it?

[Ed Gamble]

Okay. Not to put too fine a point on it. Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet. Make a little birdhouse in your soul.

[Matthew Crosby]

I love that. That's really good.

[Ed Gamble]

That's good, isn't it? Yeah, that's good. Man. Man, that really works. It's really easy making the traitors, isn't it? Next time I see the guys from Studio Lambert, I'll go, oh, you guys are stealing a little bit.

[Matthew Crosby]

All you do is sit around singing they might be giants in the soft way.

[Ed Gamble]

Picker. Just go on your. Just go on your. Spotify wrapped and go. Just slow that one down. Play that one at half speed. John's here.

[Vin (Producer)]

So should we interview him?

[Ed Gamble]

Let's interview John. You'll have already heard it. And have a wonderful week, everybody. See you very soon.

[Rob Orton]

Bye.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bye.

[Ed Gamble]

Ray D O X.