Episode 357 – Tom Neenan / Different Pies

Summary

Ed Gamble & Matthew Crosby on Radio X

Episode 357 – Tom Neenan / Different Pies (May 3, 2026)

Episode Overview

In this lively Sunday breakfast episode, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby (Crunch & Crumble) blend their signature surreal, pun-filled banter, odd quizzes, and interactive segments with a visit from comedian Tom Neenan. The show covers everything from euphemisms for periods around the world to the philosophy of putting fingers in different pies, plus a deep-dive on metal music, Soccer Aid trivia, and parenting gothic children. This episode stands out for its playful anarchy, quick-witted chemistry, and the infectious energy brought by both the hosts and their guests.

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Key Segments and Discussion Points

1. Comedy Warm-up: Hoarding and House Moves

[00:10 – 01:13]

• Topic: The chaos of recording multiple episodes in a row, with guest Danny Wallace describing his attempts to clean out a cupboard filled with Christmas wreaths and tools, sparking a discussion on hoarding.
• Notable Quote:
  • Danny Wallace: "The equivalent of six houses." (00:57)
  • Matthew Crosby: "Are you guys hoarding Christmas things?" (01:06)
• The conversation segues into a running joke about chucking out 60% of possessions and the unique things found in overfilled cupboards.

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2. Global Euphemisms: Metal Education on "That Time of the Month"

[01:20 – 03:02]

• Topic: A lighthearted yet taboo-bending exploration of international euphemisms for menstruation.
• Sample Euphemisms:
  • "The rooster sang to you yesterday." (Puerto Rico; 02:09)
  • "There are communists in the funhouse." (Denmark; 02:49)
  • "Granny stuck in traffic." (02:29)
  • "The red Ferrari is here." (Dutch; 02:33)
• Notable Quotes:
  • Danny Wallace: "That's exceptional." (02:51)
  • Matthew Crosby: “We should have done this on it.” (02:54)
• Tone: Giddy, slightly rebellious, debating what’s “radio-friendly” and clearly delighting in pushing the boundaries.

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3. Vin’s Surreal Rap Debut

[03:13 – 04:46]

• Topic: Producer Vin is (somewhat unwillingly) coaxed into premiering a novelty rap he supposedly wrote, filled with bizarre admissions (being banned from pools, rubbing microphones on body parts).
• Notable Quotes:
  • Vin’s Rap:
    "I'm Bad Boy Vin and I'm really cool.
    I've been banned from the swimming pool
    for ducking, diving, heavy petting too
    and using the kids pool as a loo..." (03:45)
  • Danny Wallace: "What a lovely rap from Vin to Stan." (04:50)
• Reaction: Raucous encouragement plus running jokes about rap's structure (“You've got an absolutely heavy flow.” - Danny Wallace, 05:13).

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4. Tom Neenan Guest Segment: Pies, Portraits & Shows

Intro at [05:34], In-depth from [12:01 – 21:10]

• Interview with Tom Neenan about his new Edinburgh Fringe show, "Portrait of a Tom as a Young Neenan."
• Discussion Points:
  • The logic and logistics of "having fingers in different pies" (analogy spirals into naming as many pies as possible, [06:07–09:20]), including practical—ahem—issues with pork pies and jelly.
  • Tom’s actual show promo, playfully dissecting the show’s title, age references, and the “fun to say” philosophy.
    • Danny Wallace: “Once again, put your name front and center. That’s what you’re paying for.” (16:39)
  • A mock “Big Three” promo questions:
    • Describe your show in 17 words and a noise ([16:44]).
    • Best heckle you’ve never had ([17:45]) — Tom wishes someone would yell “Zoix!” like Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
    • If your show were a Doctor Who, which would it be? (David Tennant, for crowd-pleasing reasons, [19:23]).
• Notable Moments:
  • Matthew Crosby: “Well, I’ve actually commissioned Tom to paint my tackle.” (15:01)
  • Tom Neenan: “I am a young Picasso.” (14:36)
  • Banter about Doctor Who action figures and the hosts “rearranging them all so they’re having sex with each other” [20:13].

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5. Classic Callbacks & Listener Interactivity

[21:12 – 25:00]

• Segments: “Why do you not know what it is?” and “Stack My Itch Up.”
• Notable Quotes:
  • Tom Neenan: “Have you had an itch?” (21:33)
  • Brainstorming “itch-related stories” and “the itchiest you’ve ever been,” plus how to scratch an itch when you have a cast – with suggestions ranging from knitting needles to rulers (22:07–22:39).
  • Classic surreal question: “What’s the biggest pig you can imagine?” (23:02)
    • Tom imagines a pig as big as the Earth (“Ready to engulf it, probably”—23:47)
• Embarrassing but not embarrassing moments: Tom’s urinal etiquette anecdote at a cinema [24:03–25:41]—worrying about which urinal to use and shuffling mid-flow.

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6. Parenting Segment: Matthew’s Gothic Daughter

[26:11 – 29:16]

• Matthew’s Big Thing:
  Story about planning his daughter’s 7th birthday—her chosen party theme? Death. She wants guests eating food from coffins and a spooky invitation with her “lying down with arms crossed.”
• Notable Quotes:
  • Matthew Crosby: “Yeah, death, of course. She’s obsessed with death. And so she’s like, yeah, I want to have a death themed party.” (27:28)
  • Danny Wallace: "But I think pitch it on the invites as a Halloween party in July and not a death themed birthday party." (28:32)
• Tone: Affectionately bemused, giving a window into quirky, modern parenting.

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7. Metal Education & Quiz: "Soccer Aiducation"

[29:25 – 38:06]

• Segment: A quiz sent by “Kerry from Canada” mixing Soccer Aid trivia with fake heavy metal names.
• Highlights:
  • Question examples: “Swiss midfielder Denis Flytrap is the most capped rest of the world player” (actually ‘Penis Flytrap’) – (31:15)
  • Running jokes about Robbie Williams, Michael Greco, Tom Hiddleston v. Tom Huddleston, Jamie Oliver tripping Ronaldinho, Woody Harrelson scoring a penalty after Mike Myers’ pep talk, and the impossible task of knowing what’s real or fake in Soccer Aid lore.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Matthew Crosby: “They all seem real. They all seem fake. Kerry’s very good.” (33:22)
  • Danny Wallace: “Correct and real.” (36:59)
• Outcome: Matthew scores “13 out of 13”—immediately admitting he’s making up the score.

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8. Listener Emails, London Tube Etiquette & Sign-Off

[39:39 – 41:31]

• Readout of funny listener messages about Oyster cards and tube etiquette.
• Classic self-deprecating British humor around public transport embarrassment (“I know how this works. I live in London!” – Matthew Crosby, 40:51).
• Final gratitude for the team, Vin’s rap, and reminder to see Tom Neenan at the fringe.
• Matthew Crosby: “Have a wonderful week, everybody.” (41:19)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Are you guys hoarding Christmas things?” – Matthew Crosby (01:06)
• “I’m Bad Boy Vin and I’m really cool / I’ve been banned from the swimming pool…” – Vin’s Rap (03:45)
• “There are communists in the funhouse.” – Vin (02:49)
• “It’s so rare to get someone who not only knows about the scoops but is on board with the scoops.” – Matthew Crosby (12:17)
• “I am a young Picasso.” – Tom Neenan (14:36)
• “You just love spitting bars, man.” – Matthew Crosby (38:39)
• “She wants the invitation to be her with her eyes closed, lying on her back with her arms crossed across her chest.” – Matthew Crosby (28:54)
• “They all seem real. They all seem fake. Kerry’s very good.” – Matthew Crosby (33:22)
• “What’s the biggest pig you can imagine?” – Matthew Crosby (23:02)
• “You get a little period of about 30 years in the middle and the rest just…” – Matthew Crosby on memory (27:41)

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Useful Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment | Timestamp | |----------------------------------|-----------------| | Comedy warm-up/hoarding | 00:10–01:13 | | Euphemisms/Metal Education | 01:20–03:02 | | Vin’s rap | 03:13–04:46 | | Guest intro: Tom Neenan | 05:34–09:20 | | Tom Neenan interview | 12:01–21:10 | | Itch/Pig/Embarrassing moments | 21:12–25:41 | | Matthew’s ‘Big Thing’—Death Party| 26:11–29:16 | | Metal Education/Soccer Aid quiz | 29:25–38:06 | | Listener emails/London Tube | 39:39–41:31 |

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Tone and Style

The show gleefully embraces chaos, layering silly premises and quick-witted tangents (“If you can make it big, you can make it small…”). The core humor is rooted in over-analysis of mundane things, creative wordplay, and affectionate ribbing among the hosts and guests. The combination of low-stakes quizzes, surreal anecdotes, and recurring in-jokes makes for a uniquely British, inclusive, feel-good comedy experience.

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Final Remark

This episode typifies Ed and Matthew’s approach: embracing the absurd, celebrating the mundane, and making listeners feel like part of the inside joke. The addition of Tom Neenan provides not just promo energy but adds to the camaraderie, as does Vin’s reluctant performance. Comedy, quizzes, and “metal education” with extra slices of pie and deadpan jokes—a full English breakfast of radio entertainment.

Transcript

[Matthew Crosby]

This is a Global Player original podcast.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Radio X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hello, everybody, and welcome to the show that we are doing now. If you listened last week, it was the show head. Come on, man. We've got to do a little bit more than that. If you listened last week, you'll know that we are.

[Vin]

This is about an hour. It's been an hour since we said this.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was about 45 minutes ago.

[Danny Wallace]

I've not even done the utility room cupboard yet, guys.

[Matthew Crosby]

I know. Ed has got to move. Ed has got to move.

[Danny Wallace]

Packed with. With absol. Crap.

[Matthew Crosby]

We're recording three shows in one.

[Danny Wallace]

Nuts and bolts, tools, and I think I had a little peek last night. I think there was a Christmas wreath in there.

[Matthew Crosby]

You've got to be chucking some stuff out now, man. You've got to be, you know.

[Danny Wallace]

Are you kidding me? You see the amount of stuff we've chucked out?

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't know how much you've chucked out. How much have you chucked out? 60% is what I'm saying. You should chuck out 60%.

[Danny Wallace]

The equivalent of six houses.

[Tom Neenan]

Right.

[Matthew Crosby]

How do you. How did you manage to get six?

[Danny Wallace]

If you push it in, you can do it.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are you guys hoarding Christmas things and

[Danny Wallace]

we are hoarders, basically.

[Vin]

Covered.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like it looked like the end of an episode of Life of Grime

[Matthew Crosby]

is what it looked like, but with more sort of weird Japanese figurines.

[Danny Wallace]

Okay. We keep those.

[Matthew Crosby]

Even those. Of course you are. Of course you are. Right, so we're going to do a metal education in this show. It was a very good metal education.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Now, we promised that we'd do cats, because metal education about period euphemisms. And we read it and we thought, we can't do that on. We can't do that on air. Sorry, Kat.

[Danny Wallace]

Thank you very much. I think we should do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Danny Wallace]

I think you guys need to stop being such bloody misogynists.

[Matthew Crosby]

It was Vin. It was Vin who said we can't do it because he thinks it's too. Some of the language is too strong.

[Vin]

Well, because obviously some of them are fake. It's a meta education. So some of them are real and some of them are fake. And I think.

[Matthew Crosby]

Are we getting into dangerous territory? Reading out fake euphemisms for periods?

[Vin]

Is that. I think there's just a bit of.

[Danny Wallace]

Well, there's a handbrake coming from a lady. They've come from a lady, as it does.

[Vin]

So I'll read you some. That A real one. The rooster sang to you yesterday.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's a good one. I mean, that rooster sang to you yesterday.

[Danny Wallace]

I love that.

[Vin]

It's from Puerto Rico.

[Matthew Crosby]

Lovely.

[Vin]

I also like a fake one. Listening to Bloodbuzz, Ohio down south, which is a song by the National.

[Matthew Crosby]

Of course it is. Yeah, yeah. Carried to Ohio on a swarm of bees.

[Vin]

Fantastic. Granny stuck in traffic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that a real or a fake?

[Vin]

That's a real one.

[Danny Wallace]

Good one.

[Matthew Crosby]

Granny stuck in traffic.

[Vin]

The red Ferrari is here. That's Dutch, apparently. Apparently that's real.

[Matthew Crosby]

Now, what happens when the red Ferrari and the blue Ferrari have a race? Is it true that all the red Ferrari wants to do is stuff his face? No. You know what? You're right. We couldn't have done this.

[Vin]

There's a good Danish one.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, please.

[Vin]

This is real. There are communists in the funhouse. What?

[Danny Wallace]

Right. That is exceptional.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is. We should have done this on it.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, that's exceptional.

[Matthew Crosby]

There are communists in the fun house.

[Danny Wallace]

This is good. This is good podcast content. It's great. And here's the thing. Thank you.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay. And also, thank you, Kat. We really appreciate those.

[Danny Wallace]

Thank you, Kat. Here's the show.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, Ray D O X.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, indeed. Welcome to the show. It's Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby here on Radio X. Now, normally, Ed or I will do an intro. Yes. But this week, Vin has said he's written a rap.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, lovely.

[Vin]

What?

[Matthew Crosby]

You've written a rap, haven't you? Here you go.

[Vin]

I never said that.

[Matthew Crosby]

You showed it to me first and now I'm handing it back to you. Can you give us a little beat and let's. This is a great way to start the show. Yeah, it's Vin's rap. Here we go. No, this is it. Here we go.

[Danny Wallace]

There it is. Vin.

[Vin]

I've got to do this, have I?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, you've got to do it. Listen, you want to do this for ages.

[Vin]

I'm Bad Boy Vin and I'm really cool. I've been banned from the swimming pool for ducking, diving, heavy petting too and using the kids pool as a loo I'm sure you'll agree it's a total flex that I'm a producer on Radio X It's the very best job in the world Because I get to work with Gamble and Cross. That bit doesn't really. Does it rhyme? Ed's so handsome, Matthew's so cute I'd like to see them in their birthday suits they're the best DJs in all the land I'D take them swimming if I hadn't been banned. After Ed and Matthew go home, I'd like to kiss their microphones. I rub them on my belly, bum and crotch and I stream it on

[Danny Wallace]

Twitch

[Vin]

if you'd like to watch. But now let's get on with the show. 8 to 11 on your radio, Gamble and Crosby will have a nice talk. But first, here's Foo Fighters with this song. It's called Walk.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Ed Gamble]

Radio X, Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Danny Wallace]

What a lovely rap from Vin to Stan.

[Tom Neenan]

Thank you.

[Danny Wallace]

Bearing one. You just seen that, Vin? I actually think you hit that pretty, pretty well.

[Vin]

I've been writing that for months.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, well, we heard on air, Matthew handing it to you.

[Matthew Crosby]

I thought you were really good, though. Yeah, thank you.

[Vin]

Well, I am good. I'm really good at rapping.

[Danny Wallace]

You have a natural understanding of hitting the beat.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely. You just got. You've got a wonderful flow.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is what I'd say.

[Danny Wallace]

You've got an absolutely heavy flow.

[Matthew Crosby]

I used to be in every floor.

[Vin]

I used to be in the Far side.

[Matthew Crosby]

You did, didn't you?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Who else was in the Far side?

[Matthew Crosby]

The comic fatlip. He was in the Far side from some 41. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was the big song, wasn't it?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

But anyway, yeah, congratulations. Lovely, lovely stuff.

[Danny Wallace]

Plenty to come on today's show, though, Matthew.

[Matthew Crosby]

Plenty to come on today's show. Yes. We've got a guest, actually. Very excited.

[Danny Wallace]

Yay.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely ages. We've got the brilliant Tom Neenan. Tom Neenan is going to be on the show. He's going to be talking about his brand new fringe show. You know what, when it comes to promoing a fringe show, you can't promote it too early.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, it's a bit.

[Matthew Crosby]

I mean, you're promoting your. Your tour currently, aren't you fresh?

[Danny Wallace]

Hell starts in January 2027.

[Matthew Crosby]

Exactly.

[Vin]

Doing it on the back of a flatbed truck, aren't you?

[Danny Wallace]

I am, yeah. I'm going everywhere.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm excited to see that. Really excited to see that.

[Danny Wallace]

Tom is a brilliant comic, a brilliant writer. He's got his fingers in many pies. They'd have to be small pies, though, wouldn't they? No one can stretch their fingers out.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is a good question, actually. How many fingers you. Oh, well, I tell you what, if you got those little Bramley apple pies, like those ones.

[Danny Wallace]

Well, that's one a finger, isn't it?

[Matthew Crosby]

You could get one. You could get one a finger in. Yeah, but it. It couldn't Be much bigger than.

[Danny Wallace]

They have to be different pies in the analogy.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's true. His fingers. Well, it does it.

[Danny Wallace]

No, because otherwise, put your whole fist in one big apple pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's true. Yeah, that's right. Just shove your face into it. Forget messing around with your fingers because

[Danny Wallace]

the whole point is it's different things.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, that's right. So we're talking you need a bram. You need a Bramley apple pie. You need a mince pie. Would you accept a Bakewell tart?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, I think so. I think you'd have to at this point, given it's the third one you're trying to name.

[Matthew Crosby]

Got to think of two. Pork pie.

[Danny Wallace]

Pork pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

Pork. Oh, that's a hard one to get your finger into.

[Danny Wallace]

You've really got to ram it in.

[Matthew Crosby]

You've got it. But, you know, once your finger's in. It's in.

[Danny Wallace]

The jelly helps.

[Matthew Crosby]

The jelly. Certainly the jelly. Yeah. It's got a. It's a. It's a smooth.

[Danny Wallace]

It's got a hole in the top. Because they put holes in the tops of pork pies to let the steam out when they cook them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is that a fact?

[Danny Wallace]

That's why. That's one of the little.

[Vin]

Same as dolphins.

[Danny Wallace]

Same as dolphins. The steam out when you cook them.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's exactly right.

[Tom Neenan]

And then.

[Matthew Crosby]

And then a sixth pie. Of course. Anyway, fifth.

[Danny Wallace]

We only came up with four.

[Matthew Crosby]

Did we only come up with four?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

I thought pork pie was the fifth.

[Vin]

No, that was the fourth one.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bramley.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Rhubarb.

[Danny Wallace]

No, didn't say rhubarb. What's a rhubarb pie?

[Matthew Crosby]

A little pie full of rhubarb.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. That's not a normal pie.

[Tom Neenan]

All right.

[Matthew Crosby]

Custard.

[Danny Wallace]

Custard pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

Bramley custard.

[Danny Wallace]

A tiny little custard pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, like a pattern. And otter.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Nice.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay.

[Danny Wallace]

Tart.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. But if we're having a Bake Quilter. Oh, yeah. The problem is there are guys. There are. We've discovered something here.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Tom's doing a show.

[Matthew Crosby]

I forgot we talked about.

[Danny Wallace]

Comedy show.

[Matthew Crosby]

Forgot we talk about Tom. Nee. Anyway, he'll be on the show. We promised not to ask him about pies.

[Ed Gamble]

The blueberry and the cake skin. Radio.

[Matthew Crosby]

Eggs, sweet potato and pumpkin. I thought of those.

[Vin]

Oh, yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Pumpkin.

[Grainger Advert Voice]

Of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

Pumpkin pie. You've got to have pumpkin pie. Sweet potatoes.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, but none of these come in a small format. That's why I'm.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hey, listen, if you can make it big, you can make it small.

[Danny Wallace]

That's true.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's what I'm constantly saying to people.

[Danny Wallace]

That's what you say to yourself in

[Matthew Crosby]

the mirror every morning, if you can make it big.

[Danny Wallace]

You look at a picture of Greg Davis and you say, well, if he can make it big and he's big. Yeah, I can make it big. I can make it big. And I'm small.

[Matthew Crosby]

And I'm small. Yeah, I do. I do like the. I do like the idea of kids running around.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Vin]

I'm hungry, dad.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm giving myself.

[Danny Wallace]

I'll look at this picture of Greg, kids. He can make it big and he's big, but you can make it big

[Matthew Crosby]

and you're small, and you're small. It's a nice pep talk for the whole family because my kids are small as well. Oh. In fact, I want to talk about my kids. So. Coming up in just a bit again. I know, I know. Sorry, sorry. Listeners who find it boring to hear stories about my kids, but you're going to hear a story about one of my kids in just a little bit.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Mother, Matthew, Radio X.

[Danny Wallace]

Cheese and onion pie.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah,

[Matthew Crosby]

steak pie.

[Danny Wallace]

Steak pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

There are loads of pies. I think we just panicked at the start when we did. Lovely. I think we just. We just panicked at the start when it came with. I was too. I was too much thinking of this. The salt, the small pie.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, right.

[Matthew Crosby]

But actually, you can get.

[Danny Wallace]

If you clo. If you crowd them close enough, you can get your fingers into all those pies.

[Matthew Crosby]

I reckon you can, yeah. And you know what? I reckon it'll actually be really pleasant.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Because some of them would be hot, some of them would be cold. Oh, yes, buddy.

[Danny Wallace]

A spicy pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

A spicy pie.

[Danny Wallace]

A red hot chili pie.

[Matthew Crosby]

A red hot chili pie. Should we play some red hot chili?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, that's a good idea.

[Matthew Crosby]

Should we place some red hot chili pie?

[Vin]

Is that enough? It doesn't feel like that's enough.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, no, no, it's not. It's not quite enough.

[Vin]

Yeah, okay, we'll do something else.

[Danny Wallace]

To hear the producer say, we'll do a thing.

[Vin]

We'll talk about a thing. And then remember that we did. We did the pie bit when we go into real chili peppers. Yeah, but first some other stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

Do you want. Can I tell my story about my kids? I think you should, yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Matthew, you. Oh, is it Matthew's big thing?

[Vin]

Is it Matthew's big thing?

[Danny Wallace]

Is it Matthew's big kids? I think it could be, yeah. Matthew's big kids.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's right. I do have Big kids and they're getting bigger by the day. And in fact, you're feeding them. Absolutely. Feeding them up. Feeding them pies. And you know, the last pie I fed them Red hot chili pie.

[Danny Wallace]

Play that music.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. Radio.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, I can't move.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, no.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, no. Am I still asleep? Am I awake? I can't move. Oh, Ed, I need some sort of music that's appropriate to this very specific situation. I'm feeling a little bit worried, so let's have a listen to stress by sleep paralysis.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, no. It's got a jazzy vibe to us in it.

[Danny Wallace]

I like this.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yes, please. You know what I really enjoyed. That was fantastic.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, Big time.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'm looking forward to seeing them at Ronnie Scott's. That was amazing. Yeah, I mean, that's very much. Two bands who can't quite agree what their sounds. Yeah, I'll just play both of them.

[Danny Wallace]

Well, they've. What. What's happened is, is it's some kids who love metal.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

And the only person they know who can play instruments are their dad and their uncle.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, that's right. They're the ones who can drive.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

If you want. Listen, if we're going to get to a gig that's the other side of town. We have to bring Uncle. Yeah, we have to bring Uncle Jazz.

[Danny Wallace]

He's gonna do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

That was him preferring on Jules Holland. Erica Badoo, sleep paralysis.

[Ed Gamble]

Always with fail, crunch and crumble.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. We're delighted to be joined by our solitary scoop for daddy on today's show, it's the wonderful Tom Neenan. Hello, Tom.

[Tom Neenan]

Hello. Thank you. What an honor to be a scoop.

[Danny Wallace]

Yes.

[Tom Neenan]

Longtime listener, first time visitor to the studio. So I know all about the scoops.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is so. It's so rare to get someone who is not only knows about the scoops but is on board with the scoops. Yeah, people normally absolutely hate scoops.

[Danny Wallace]

Well, it's disgusting and it makes you sound like a creep. Tom, you're a wonderful.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's authentic is what.

[Danny Wallace]

You're a wonderful comedian. You're a wonderful writer, you're a wonderful performer. I've known you for many, many years. We went to university together. We started our comedy careers together.

[Tom Neenan]

We did. And look at us now.

[Danny Wallace]

And look at us now. And you are the purveyor of great solo shows.

[Tom Neenan]

Bless you.

[Danny Wallace]

How many years has it been since you've done one?

[Tom Neenan]

Because, goodness me, I haven't actually done the maths on this. It's probably something like it's six to eight.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, that's.

[Tom Neenan]

I'm not sure exactly. There was a pandemic in between. And that skewed time for everyone.

[Danny Wallace]

It has. It's really skewed time. But, gl, you're back at the solo show game.

[Tom Neenan]

Yes.

[Danny Wallace]

You're going to the Edinburgh fringe with your brand new show, Portrait of a Tom as a Young Nin.

[Tom Neenan]

Yes, indeed.

[Danny Wallace]

Which I've been looking forward to saying out loud for a long time.

[Tom Neenan]

Put your name in the title. Guys don't have, like, I was, you know, Tom Neenan and then, like, musings. But then you're a fool to yourself.

[Danny Wallace]

Much more fun to do it this way because it's fun to say. It's got that. It suggests musings.

[Tom Neenan]

Yes.

[Danny Wallace]

But also it's silly.

[Tom Neenan]

Exactly.

[Danny Wallace]

Portrait of a Thomas. A young Nina.

[Matthew Crosby]

And also, crucially important, when you get to a certain age, put the word young in the title, people know that you're part of the TikTok generation.

[Tom Neenan]

Exactly.

[Matthew Crosby]

Even though it's a reference to. It's James Joyce. Right, Isn't it? Portrait the Artist is young, Is it?

[Tom Neenan]

Very much so, yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's a reference to James Joyce in the title. So get. You know, you're catching a lot of flies.

[Danny Wallace]

You're getting the olds, then.

[Tom Neenan]

Well, I am. I was searching. It's a bit like the Jude Law rule, isn't it, when he did Young Pope, and it's like, I think he went through the list of all the things he could conceivably be young for.

[Vin]

Right.

[Tom Neenan]

And when Pope. Pope is what?

[Danny Wallace]

Pope is young. Yeah, yeah. Old, Old, Young, Old man.

[Tom Neenan]

Ye.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Old, young, old man.

[Danny Wallace]

Old, Young, old man.

[Matthew Crosby]

Old Young, old man.

[Danny Wallace]

That's my new show.

[Tom Neenan]

Nice.

[Matthew Crosby]

Old Young Old Man.

[Tom Neenan]

I was about to joke and say Old Baby, but that is Maria Bamford's show, isn't he? Old, Old Baby. So there you go, she's beat us to that one.

[Matthew Crosby]

But you are also. You are also a portrait artist as well, aren't you?

[Tom Neenan]

Portrait artist of the year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Of the year.

[Tom Neenan]

Famously,

[Matthew Crosby]

if you say it enough times, it starts to become true.

[Tom Neenan]

Hey, it's a Wikipedia citation link, isn't it?

[Danny Wallace]

So no one checks. No one checks these things.

[Tom Neenan]

Tyson Schoenberg said I was the greatest artist he's ever met. None of that is true, but I've said it now.

[Danny Wallace]

Tom is Picasso.

[Tom Neenan]

I am a young Picasso. Yes, indeed. I love a bit of portrait painting. I haven't tackled either of your faces yet.

[Matthew Crosby]

You haven't, have you? Because you painted lots of Comedians.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I want to, truth be told, I did try.

[Danny Wallace]

I think using the phrase tackle when you talk about someone's face doesn't fill you with confidence.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I've asked.

[Danny Wallace]

I've actually, I've been building up to it. But I've tackled your face yet.

[Matthew Crosby]

Well, I've actually commissioned Tom to paint my tackle.

[Tom Neenan]

Listen, will I get a canvas at the right size?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. He doesn't mean on a canvas. He means brush to skin.

[Ed Gamble]

Hench Old and peculiar Radio X.

[Danny Wallace]

Your new show, Portrait of a Tom as a young Neenan is going to The Edinburgh Festival 3:15pm Every day. Blue Bell at the Underbelly. Edfringe.com for tickets. Do go and see Tom.

[Matthew Crosby]

And when we say every day, that's during the Edinburgh fringe, which is August, which is a little way away, just in case people show up there now. And when he says we are every day.

[Danny Wallace]

We can't spoon feed these people, man. They get ed fringe.com. that's got the dates on it. So you'll see the dates.

[Tom Neenan]

But correct every day. No day off. What do we think about that? No day off.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hard, man.

[Danny Wallace]

Doing the last Monday.

[Tom Neenan]

Last Monday as well.

[Matthew Crosby]

Idiot.

[Danny Wallace]

Absolute moron.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah, real, real mistake, that. It just looks neater. It just looks neater on the thing if they're all there, you know, you don't have to put that. Brackets not so. That was my logic.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. Who's that for?

[Tom Neenan]

Some bit of my brain that felt uncomfortable for a bit.

[Danny Wallace]

Your brain feel tidy now?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

I do understand. I do understand.

[Matthew Crosby]

You need a tidy brain.

[Tom Neenan]

Tidy brain.

[Matthew Crosby]

Tidy brain, tidy show. Yeah. So let's do. We haven't done this for a while. This is the big three. The big three.

[Danny Wallace]

Thank you, Kima.

[Tom Neenan]

Thank you, Kima.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you, Kima. Now we're gonna ask you three absolutely massive questions that will hopefully sell your show. Portrait of a huge question. Portrait of a Tom as a young nie. And of course, that's on every day.

[Danny Wallace]

So fun to say. I think you've really nailed it with the titles that are fun to say.

[Tom Neenan]

Oh, bless you. Yes, that was the intention. Once again, put your name front and center. That's what you're paying for.

[Matthew Crosby]

Absolutely right. So the first question is, can you describe your show in 17 words and a noise?

[Tom Neenan]

This isn't part of it.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay.

[Tom Neenan]

I knew this was coming and I didn't. I know. I've listened to so many of these and I didn't prepare.

[Vin]

That's gotta be 17 there.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think that's it.

[Danny Wallace]

Okay, start. You start now. Start now. Now.

[Tom Neenan]

A storytelling show. But don't worry, it has as many laughs as proper stand up, I think. Yeah,

[Matthew Crosby]

great.

[Danny Wallace]

Lovely.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, I like. You know what? You've really captured the desperation of the last Monday.

[Tom Neenan]

That whimper. I know.

[Matthew Crosby]

They're dismantling the venue as I'm doing the show.

[Tom Neenan]

This is okay, right, guys?

[Matthew Crosby]

I haven't wasted my time.

[Tom Neenan]

Nothing like getting ready. Ready for a show when there's a roll of gaffer tape on the stage.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Neenan]

Really looking forward to that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Would you like to do the next question in the big three? Yes, the big three.

[Danny Wallace]

Thank you, Kima.

[Tom Neenan]

Thank you, Kima.

[Danny Wallace]

Tom, what's the best heckle you've never had?

[Tom Neenan]

Oh, Zoix, I'd love to. I'd love to be spitting such truth on stage that Shaggy manifests and is like, whoa, steady arm.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, I thought this was all part of the heckle. No, it's just simply Zoix. Yeah. Ye.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah. It's so shocking that people are like, what? They try and find a way of going, like, whoa.

[Danny Wallace]

I think if Shaggy was in the audience, it would really pull focus.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

If people turned around and went, that's Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Yeah.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

And then they look on the other side of the room and Shaggy the singer is.

[Tom Neenan]

Oh, my God, a double Shaggy.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. And they look at him angrily as if he heckled not the guy from Scooby Doo. And then Shaggy has to say, it wasn't me.

[Matthew Crosby]

It wasn't me. Meanwhile, you're on stage telling a Shaggy dog story. Finally, we have to ask you this question, the final question in the big three. Come on. Come on, Kima. Pick up the pace. Kima. If your show. Now we know you're a fan of this. If your show was a Doctor who. What Doctor who would it be deliberately

[Danny Wallace]

just saying Doctor who.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Which of the Doctor who's would it be? Doctor who?

[Tom Neenan]

So you think that that's going to wind me up, but big Doctor who comedian and sort of expert Toby Haydock calls him Doctor who because he is credited as Doctor who in the first sort of. Sort of 10, 15 years of the show. Fun fact. What Doctor who is it? I love this. I want to get too deep into it, but I won't. I'll sort of treat it with the seriousness it was intended, which was sort of light.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Light seriousness. That's what we're. Right.

[Tom Neenan]

Exactly. You know what? I think it is a crowd pleaser. I think it's A tenant. I think it's a. People will enjoy it. I don't think it's too niche. I don't think it's a McGann. It's a one and done. I don't think it's pertwee.

[Danny Wallace]

John Hurt.

[Tom Neenan]

John Hurt, yes, exactly. Jo Martin. I think it is just a big, broad, crowd pleasing show that hopefully a lot of people will get a lot out of. And so I'm gonna say it's a 10th, 14th doctor, David Tennant.

[Danny Wallace]

Hang on, who's 10th? Both of them. Yeah, both of them.

[Tom Neenan]

He's played two different incarnations of the Doctor.

[Danny Wallace]

Fantastic.

[Matthew Crosby]

I sort of want to ask you to explain that, but I don't think we have the time.

[Danny Wallace]

One of them regenerated into David Tennant for a bit.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

God, it's a very clever show, isn't it? It's far too bright for me. Far too bright.

[Danny Wallace]

By the way, Tom is a very big Doctor who fan and has a lot of action figures. And tell you what, he doesn't like when you go over to his house and rearrange them all so they're having sex with each other.

[Matthew Crosby]

What's your problem with fun?

[Tom Neenan]

I know, I know.

[Ed Gamble]

With good times, warm egg and Matthew Crosby on Radio X, Tom Neenan, whose

[Matthew Crosby]

show Portrait of a Tom as a Young Neenan will be at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this year.

[Tom Neenan]

It is fun. I just heard it. It's like.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's so fun.

[Tom Neenan]

It's a fun. I'm pleased with that.

[Matthew Crosby]

Fun to say, fun to watch. You know what? There's going to be someone at the underbelly staff who gets to shout that every single day. Last call for Portrait of Tom as a young Ninon. Oh, what a joy.

[Tom Neenan]

And then I'll say it's of a Tom and I'll have them sat.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

[Tom Neenan]

It's really sad you have to do that.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's why I can't get a job at Vanderbilt. Sorry. Edfringch.com for tickets. Of course. Now, let's ask you some of the biggest questions in radio. Ed, is there a particular question you think we should be asking Tom, straight off the bat as a fan of the show and as a regular list

[Danny Wallace]

as your first appearance on the show?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah. I can't believe it's like stepping into the radio.

[Danny Wallace]

We're gonna have to ask you this, Tom. What? Do you not know what it is?

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, of course.

[Danny Wallace]

For the listener who might not have heard this before.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

These are things that you see every day and then you think about it and you don't really know what it is, like paint or the Internet. Tom, why do you not know what it is?

[Tom Neenan]

Have you had this one? I mean, I should know because I've heard of pretty much every episode. Have you had an itch?

[Danny Wallace]

No.

[Matthew Crosby]

Have we had an itch?

[Tom Neenan]

I don't think we have had an itch.

[Danny Wallace]

What is an itch?

[Vin]

Well, I think it's pointless asking us if we've had something or not because we don't.

[Danny Wallace]

We don't remember. We might have done it last week.

[Vin]

So the answer is maybe.

[Matthew Crosby]

But itch is good.

[Vin]

I don't know what an itch is.

[Matthew Crosby]

Itch is very good. And I'll tell you one thing, I've immediately started itching on my shin. Yeah, yeah. It does happen, doesn't it?

[Tom Neenan]

Look, you guys, I don't want to tell you how to do your job. Is that a segment? Could you have like. Hang on. Stack my itch up?

[Matthew Crosby]

I think it's good.

[Tom Neenan]

Say the worst itch you've ever had.

[Matthew Crosby]

You can absolutely have. Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

What's the itchiest you've ever been?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

What have you used to scratch an itch?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Itch related stories.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah, I love an itch related story.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's gonna have to be a Rollover Sunday at radiox.co.uk but yes.

[Danny Wallace]

Stack my itch up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Stack my itch up. Absolutely fantastic.

[Tom Neenan]

A lot of knitting needles gonna happen there. Down the cast and stuff.

[Danny Wallace]

All the cast.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. You've gotta. Something down the cast. Oh, my God.

[Danny Wallace]

Ruler.

[Tom Neenan]

Ruler.

[Matthew Crosby]

Down the cast.

[Tom Neenan]

Never been in a car, so I've never had the joy of a scratch down the cast.

[Matthew Crosby]

You're a solo performer, aren't you?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Never been in a car. Anyway, guys, Tom Neenan's here.

[Tom Neenan]

Don't worry, it's lovely stuff.

[Matthew Crosby]

Not written any jokes for him for this show. They're all his own. They're all his own work. We've got to ask you as well, what's the biggest pig you can imagine? We've got to ask.

[Danny Wallace]

We've got to ask.

[Matthew Crosby]

Got to deal with the greatest hit

[Tom Neenan]

it's going to be. Well, because we just had the guys, the fellows who went to. And lady who went to space.

[Danny Wallace]

Yes.

[Tom Neenan]

They could look at the planet, couldn't they? Planet Earth. So probably they could imagine a pig that big. And now thanks to them taking photos of it, I can probably imagine a pig as big as where the trunk of it. The main bit of it.

[Danny Wallace]

The main trunk.

[Tom Neenan]

The main Trunk.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Are you thinking of elephant?

[Tom Neenan]

Yes.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't think Tom.

[Danny Wallace]

Guys, Tom doesn't know what a pig.

[Matthew Crosby]

Doesn't know what a pig is. Embarrassing to this show.

[Danny Wallace]

Seen some pretty big pigs at the circus.

[Tom Neenan]

Dan's got a little ball.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Incredible. Dumbo.

[Tom Neenan]

Biggest pig I can imagine. So I can imagine a pig as big as the planet we're stood on now.

[Danny Wallace]

And next to the planet.

[Tom Neenan]

Next to the planet. Exactly. Ready to engulf it, probably.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's a good answer.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And finally, what's something that you would think this isn't really embarrassing, but it is actually a little bit embarrassing. What's an embarrassing? Not embarrassing.

[Tom Neenan]

Okay, I have one. It's. It's slightly toilet y, so apologies. That's fine.

[Danny Wallace]

Never apologize. So we all do it. We all do it. I'm doing it now.

[Tom Neenan]

I was in the cinema and I was seeing the new mummy film, Lee Cronin's the Mummy. Lee Cronin's the Mummy.

[Matthew Crosby]

That is slightly embarrassing.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah. And so two things happened. One, I was in a queue for the urinals and the only urinal free was the little boy's urinal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

The one that I use. Yeah.

[Tom Neenan]

And I stood. So it's initially embarrassing that you're going. I don't want to use the little

[Danny Wallace]

voice, but you gotta go. You gotta go. Right.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah. It wasn't that urgent. I could hold back to sort of make it clear to the rest of the queue. No, no, no. That felt embarrassing. That I'm sort of going, no, there's limits to what I will do.

[Danny Wallace]

What, are we in?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah. So that felt weird. Eventually I did. It got like the key wouldn't move past me. So I did use the little loke urinal.

[Danny Wallace]

On your knees. You put your shoes on the floor and kneel on your shoes.

[Tom Neenan]

I was tempt Tom Nealon. Yeah. And then everyone else left and it was just me in there. So what I did is I did a little.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, you hurt.

[Tom Neenan]

A little shuffle.

[Vin]

Tom.

[Danny Wallace]

This is embarrassing.

[Matthew Crosby]

There's no not embarrassing about it. Did you. What? Did you pinch the end and move?

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah, I used my. My internal musculature.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Tom Neenan]

To.

[Danny Wallace]

Did you not do that?

[Matthew Crosby]

Not at my age. I've got to tie a knot in it. Like a pig straw.

[Danny Wallace]

When you.

[Tom Neenan]

So that little sidestep. That little half a second sidestep. No, that's purely, em. Eating off someone else's plates.

[Matthew Crosby]

There you go. Especially if you move just a sidestep to the next plate along. Let's play a little Bit of the Verve. Now, this is Love is Noise here on Radio X. Big thanks to Tom Neenan. Go and see his show, Portrait of a Tom as a young Neenan.

[Tom Neenan]

Com.

[Matthew Crosby]

Thank you very much, radio.

[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Danny Wallace]

It's Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby, of course. But only one of us has got an absolutely huge story to tell that we've been. We've been throwing forward to for a couple of hours. Matthew said, I've got a story about my kids. So me and Vince Orton was going to be the best story ever. So let's really tease the listeners with it until right now. So we need the jingle, of course. Matthew's big thing now.

[Matthew Crosby]

Welcome to my big thing, everybody. Now, I know what. I know what you're thinking. It is always bad, isn't it, to hear. I've got to want to tell you a story. Ed started to yawn already.

[Danny Wallace]

I'm tired, man. It's Sunday morning.

[Matthew Crosby]

Ed is yawning already and I'm only. This is the preamble to the story. Anyway, it's quite a brief story. Yeah, I'll keep it brief. It's gonna be my daughter's birthday in a couple of months time.

[Danny Wallace]

Okay, cool. What songs?

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, what's up there? Let's play Pulp, guys. Let's play Pulp. No, it's gonna be my daughter's birthday in a.

[Danny Wallace]

What number is it? Do you mind me asking?

[Matthew Crosby]

She's gonna be seven.

[Danny Wallace]

Wow, that's a big one.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's a big one. Yeah, that's a big one.

[Danny Wallace]

Finally out the six.

[Matthew Crosby]

Finally out the six into the sevens. Very cool. Very cool. And she, she was. We were talking about what kind of

[Danny Wallace]

themes you can have seven's really, when you come online.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Do you know what I mean?

[Matthew Crosby]

She's obsessed with getting an Instagram page. She ain't getting.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, no, I'm not talking about that. I just mean like, like.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, as a person.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Seven I can like remember, I think.

[Matthew Crosby]

Right?

[Danny Wallace]

Six. That's foggy.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's a. It's a sort of haze.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. 40 is foggy as well, to be fair.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

I'm. I'm on my way back down.

[Matthew Crosby]

You get a little period of about 30 years in the middle and the rest just. But yeah, so. So, yeah, so she's gonna. She's gonna be seven. And we were talking about a birthday, which she wants to do for her birthday. The whole class party thing has come. Kind of finished now. We're not doing a holocaust party, but I said you could still have a birthday party with just a handful of friends. Have you thought about what the theme could be? And she's like, yeah, death, of course. She's obsessed with death. And so she's like, yeah, I want to have a death themed party.

[Danny Wallace]

Birthday party.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, a death themed birthday party. Which actually, now I think about it, brilliant. Very clever, very clever. But the only thing we've come up with so far is she wants people to eat food out of coffins. So I'll keep you posted on how the planning goes for that. But it's. That's all we've got so far.

[Danny Wallace]

Like a Halloween. Say it's like a Halloween party.

[Matthew Crosby]

She loves Halloween.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

She basically wants a Halloween party in July and why not?

[Danny Wallace]

I think that's a great idea. But I think pitch it on the invites as a Halloween party in July and not a death themed birthday party.

[Matthew Crosby]

We're gonna go with spooky. I think we're gonna go with spooky party. Yeah, spooky party's fine.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

But if it's a bit.

[Danny Wallace]

I mean, I love that your daughter's a goth.

[Matthew Crosby]

She wants to. Yeah, she's a little. I wonder if it's too early to show her Wednesday. I think it probably is, isn't it? Maybe because she's scared of everything as well.

[Danny Wallace]

That's the other Nightmare Before Christmas.

[Matthew Crosby]

She loves it.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. She's already crossed it.

[Matthew Crosby]

But she wants the. She wants the invitation to be her with her eyes closed, lying on her back with her arms crossed across her chest. I think we can't be doing that. We can't be doing that. Little Jerry Cinnamon. That cannot happen.

[Vin]

That's cool.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hey. Oh, it's undeniably cool. And I'm absolutely supporting it because that's her choice. But yeah, a death party.

[Danny Wallace]

She's seen the show Pushing Daisies. I'm just thinking of other things she might be able to watch.

[Matthew Crosby]

She loves Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah. Big fan. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

This is the Radio X heyday.

[Danny Wallace]

Now it's time for a little bit of metal education.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X.

[Danny Wallace]

Yes. This is the quiz that I give to Matthew where I read out a series of things. Some of them are real, some of them are fake. It's always listener sourced.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Danny Wallace]

And this is from the ultimate listener, Saucier.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Kerry from Canada.

[Matthew Crosby]

Captain Saucy himself.

[Danny Wallace]

Captain Saucy himself. Kerry from Canada. Hi, Vin. Ed and the Hairy Brown Flake. Happy radio, lads. This is Kerry from Canada.

[Matthew Crosby]

I'd be having that Anyway, let's. Let's move on. Let's move on.

[Danny Wallace]

With Soccer Aid coming up, I figured it was time for a sports desk, Sports Time and Metal Education mashup. Let's call it Soccer aiducation.

[Matthew Crosby]

Love it.

[Danny Wallace]

Some of these facts about soccer aid are true and some are made up. Matthew, good luck. In the podcast charts this week. Are you aware of Soccer Aid?

[Matthew Crosby]

I've been to Soccer Aid.

[Danny Wallace]

Have you?

[Vin]

On the 31st of May this year.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Vin]

Coming up.

[Matthew Crosby]

Always fantastic. My friend Alex Brooker plays most years and I went and saw him the first year he did it, and then I realised, where is it?

[Danny Wallace]

It's a big stadium.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's in a big football stadium. Now, if I had to tell you which one it was, I wouldn't remember

[Danny Wallace]

because it was the sidemen game the other day as well.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, I also. I also played in that.

[Danny Wallace]

And that was at Wembley Stadium.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went along. It was. Oh, it was a great day. Very, very exciting. Everyone was very excited. You could bring your beers to the side of the pitch because you're not allowed to do it in the normal football. And I was very excited that Robbie Williams himself was there in a bedazzled denim outfit to sing Angels five times. It was absolutely brilliant. It was great.

[Danny Wallace]

Well, here we go. So which of these facts about Soccer aid are true and which are false? Okay, number one, Swiss midfielder Denis Flytrap is the most capped rest of the world player.

[Ed Gamble]

Number one, penis flytrap.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, penis flytrap. Is that number one?

[Danny Wallace]

Number two, in 2016, Rob Beckett tweaked a hamstring chasing former Buffy actor James Masters.

[Matthew Crosby]

I love this, by the way. Yeah, yeah. They're all. All so plausible. Yeah. Beckett's hammy.

[Danny Wallace]

Beckett's hammy. Number three, the only person to ever be sent off in a Soccer Aid game is Ben Shepard.

[Matthew Crosby]

I can. You know what?

[Vin]

TV's Ben Shepard.

[Matthew Crosby]

TV's Ben Shepard. I could imagine him going in two footed and. Yeah, I could def. Of course. Have you seen him?

[Danny Wallace]

He's lovely. He's starting a skincare company with Joel.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hey, that. I'm not saying he's not a lovely man, but on the pitch, he's an absolute monster.

[Danny Wallace]

Do you know what his company with Joel's called? The skincare company?

[Matthew Crosby]

No, I don't know what it's called.

[Danny Wallace]

For skin.

[Vin]

Because it's for skin.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Because it's for skin.

[Vin]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Those two guys, by the way, and I like them both, they're idiots.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Not a Brain cell between them.

[Matthew Crosby]

Cret.

[Danny Wallace]

Number four. Number four. England goalkeeping legend David Seaman has been subbed off and replaced by Jamie Theakston more than once.

[Matthew Crosby]

David s. That's number four. Okay.

[Danny Wallace]

Number five. In 2014, the rest of the world's starting centre backs were World cup winner Marcel Desailly and the big DW himself, Danny Wallace.

[Matthew Crosby]

Ooh, DW at Soccer Aid. Is it true? Is it false? We'll have to find out. He'd be absolutely enormous. Imagine the size of his boots.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, my God. Canoes taking over the hood. Whole. The whole pitch.

[Matthew Crosby]

He'd be taking over the whole pitch. Honestly, it'll be. Be like, you know, when they get a power outage, you know, because it's covering up all the floodlights. To have the floodlights on, presumably not in during the day.

[Danny Wallace]

Number six.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't really watch football.

[Vin]

Depends how dark it is.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, that's right. Number six. Yeah. It's an ascent.

[Danny Wallace]

When basis bantering. It's number six.

[Matthew Crosby]

Number six, please.

[Danny Wallace]

Michael Greco, formerly Bepe in EastEnders, once called an equalizer past Peter Schmeichel.

[Matthew Crosby]

Whoa. Oh, amazing if true. But is it true? We'll find out.

[Danny Wallace]

Number seven. In 2006, former Labour spin doctor and futuristic politicker Alistair Campbell was subbed off and replaced by infamous Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson.

[Matthew Crosby]

Do you know what the problem is? I've got absolutely no frame of reference here. They all seem real. They all seem fake. He's very good. Is Kerry.

[Danny Wallace]

From Canada, number eight, Jamie Oliver, received Soccer Aid's first ever yellow card for tripping Brazil legend Ronaldinho

[Matthew Crosby]

again. It could be. It could be. What's number nine?

[Danny Wallace]

Number nine is Loki. Actor Tom Hiddleston played in the same England team as former spurs midfielder Tom Huddleston.

[Vin]

Amazing.

[Matthew Crosby]

That would be good.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Swapping one out for the other. I love Tom Huddlestone, but do you like Tom Hiddleston?

[Vin]

Not as much as Tom Huddleston.

[Matthew Crosby]

Very few people do. Very few people do. What about 10?

[Danny Wallace]

Lee Mack has missed three penalties in three different games while playing for England. He's also scored for the Rest of the world. World.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah. I never understand what. What's going on there with the rest of the world.

[Danny Wallace]

Because they do what they like, whoever

[Matthew Crosby]

else they've got, really, isn't it?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay.

[Danny Wallace]

Number 11. When the rest of the World team won on penalties in 2010, the winning goal was scored by Woody Harrelson after a pep talk from Mike Myers.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay. All right, Woody and Mike, let's have a look.

[Danny Wallace]

Let's see what that is number 12.

[Matthew Crosby]

Is this the last one? No. Oh.

[Danny Wallace]

Nelson Mandela was the ceremonial rest of the world captain in 2008.

[Matthew Crosby]

No, he wasn't. Well, I think I've got a pretty clear idea of that one.

[Danny Wallace]

And number 13, David Odocity is nutmeg.

[Ed Gamble]

Take that to Mark Owen Crobby J and the machine.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. Radio

[Tom Neenan]

from a lacerated sky.

[Matthew Crosby]

Radio X. Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Yes. You may remember that I sent Matthew a wonderful quiz sent in by Kerry from Canada. We have 13 things about Soccer Aid here. 13 statements about soccer aid. Facts, apparently. But some of them aren't facts. Some of them are completely made up.

[Vin]

Matthew, happening on 31st of May.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Vin]

Raising loads of money.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. Next soccer age 31st of May. But have these things happened in past games? Number one, Swiss midfielder Denis Flytrap is the most capped rest of the world player. Matthew.

[Ed Gamble]

Number one, penis Flytrap.

[Matthew Crosby]

That's not true.

[Danny Wallace]

That's not true. That is false. Always gives you a little, little boost at the beginning there, doesn't it start?

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, always false. But I've got no idea about the other ones.

[Danny Wallace]

In 2016, Rob Beckett tweaked a hamstring chasing former Buffy actor James Masters Spike. Of course.

[Matthew Crosby]

I believe that to be true.

[Danny Wallace]

It's false.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, bad start. Bad start for Crosby.

[Danny Wallace]

Number three. The only person to ever be sent off in a soccer aid game is Ben Shepard.

[Matthew Crosby]

That is true.

[Danny Wallace]

That is true. Absolutely true.

[Matthew Crosby]

Like I say, he's a monster.

[Tom Neenan]

Yeah.

[Danny Wallace]

Number four, England goalkeeping legend David Seaman has been subbed off and replaced by Jamie Thinkston more than once.

[Matthew Crosby]

I believe that to be true. It is true.

[Vin]

I think they get half each. I think they always start with the professional.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Vin]

And then at half time, I think the celebrity comes on. So I think theco always comes on or always used to come on for him. And I think Patrick Kilty was the keeper for the other. For the rest of the world.

[Danny Wallace]

Mr. Kilty, it's an honor.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's an honor.

[Danny Wallace]

Number five. In 2014, the rest of the world's starting centre backs were Marcellus A and Danny Wallace.

[Matthew Crosby]

I want to say it's true. It's true.

[Danny Wallace]

It's false.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, no. He got me.

[Danny Wallace]

Michael Greco once scored an equalizer past Peter Schmeichel.

[Matthew Crosby]

I think Michael Greco is a regular leitmotif in Kerry from Canada's quizzes. I believe he's always got a Michael Greco in there. So I'm gonna say this one is made up.

[Tom Neenan]

It's false.

[Danny Wallace]

It is false. You're gonna have to stop Using Greco. Kerry, it's too obvious now. Now, in 2006, former Labour spin doctor Alistair Campbell was subbed off and replaced by Olympic sprinter Ben Johnson.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's correct. It's real.

[Danny Wallace]

It's correct and real.

[Matthew Crosby]

Correct and real.

[Danny Wallace]

True is what we're going for.

[Matthew Crosby]

True's the worst.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Tom Neenan]

Yes.

[Danny Wallace]

Correct and real.

[Matthew Crosby]

It is. Correct and real.

[Danny Wallace]

Sir, do you want to play correct and real or dare? Jamie Oliver received Soccer Aid's first ever yellow card for triple Ronaldinho.

[Matthew Crosby]

I believe that to be true.

[Danny Wallace]

It's false.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, it's a shame.

[Danny Wallace]

Tom Hiddleston played on the same team as Tom Huddleston.

[Matthew Crosby]

True.

[Danny Wallace]

False.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh.

[Danny Wallace]

Lee Mack has missed three penalties in three different games whilst playing for England.

[Matthew Crosby]

True.

[Danny Wallace]

True. When the rest of the world team won on penalties in 2010, the winning goal was scored by Woody Harrelson after a pep talk from Mike Myers.

[Matthew Crosby]

Total cobblers.

[Danny Wallace]

It's true. No.

[Matthew Crosby]

Wow. Really?

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah. It's star studded number 12, Nelson Mandela was the ceremonial rest of the world captain in 2008.

[Matthew Crosby]

I don't think that's true.

[Danny Wallace]

It's false.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes.

[Danny Wallace]

And number 13, David O' Dougherty is nutmeg. Take that to Mark Owen.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes, that's true.

[Danny Wallace]

No, it's false.

[Matthew Crosby]

Oh, that's such a shame.

[Danny Wallace]

Really bad.

[Matthew Crosby]

I did very, very badly there. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. I got 13 out of 13. Well done.

[Danny Wallace]

Congratulations.

[Matthew Crosby]

Unbelievable. I just realised, I can tell you any score I like. Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Ed Gamble]

Vroom, vroom and honk, honk.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's Ed Gamble and it's Matthew Crosby. We're saying goodbye. Danny Wallace is just around the corner, but we'd like to say another big. A big thank you. Well, firstly, a thank you to you, the listeners, of course. Secondly, a thank you to Vin for producing the show and for doing a wonderful rapping start.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, my goodness, What a wrap.

[Matthew Crosby]

What a wrap. I don't think that's gonna be the last rap you do on this show. Something tells me you're gonna be doing

[Danny Wallace]

more raps you're doing for the next one.

[Vin]

But if I don't enjoy doing raps, why would I keep doing them?

[Danny Wallace]

I just know you're just addicted to the beat.

[Matthew Crosby]

This is exactly it. You just love spitting bars, man. We'd also like to give a huge thanks to Tom Neenan. Brilliant guest, wonderful man. If you get a chance to go and see Tom Neenan, please do, do and definitely give him a follow on Instagram so you can see all his wonderful paintings as well. Yes, he's a very, very good painter. But from us here at Radio X, it's goodbye for another week. Goodbye. We got some off price crack. Tyson,

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[Ed Gamble]

Ed Gamble and Matthew Crosby.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, folks, bye. We're about to record show three, but very quickly, I'll read you a couple of messages. Happy radio, lads. Don't mind if I do. This is from Chris. He says, why isn't it the Rock will wax and Dwayne.

[Danny Wallace]

Oh, that's nice.

[Vin]

Good question.

[Matthew Crosby]

Good question.

[Danny Wallace]

That's a good change to something that doesn't make sense anyway.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yeah, maybe they are saying that we'll

[Danny Wallace]

never say again, it's bad enunciation. Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

But the Rock will Wax and Dwayne. Thank you very much. And then this is from Mark, who says hello. Crunch, crumble and succulent Chinese Vin.

[Vin]

I should get a T shirt.

[Matthew Crosby]

What is the charge, Mark from Sydney, originally, Inverness. I once interned at Radio X. You know this guy?

[Vin]

I know Mark. Lovely Mark. Lovely, lovely boy.

[Matthew Crosby]

I once interned at Radio X and it was Vin who got me the role. Can confirm he asked to be called Mr. Chen.

[Vin]

Screw you, Mark.

[Matthew Crosby]

Something that's embarrassing isn't when you tap onto the tube, or more often for me, the metro in Australia. And the ticket barrier doesn't let you go through, even though you've done nothing wrong. And you have to back up slightly and go in front of a busy

[Danny Wallace]

crowd and you want to turn around and go, I'm good at this.

[Matthew Crosby]

I know how this works.

[Danny Wallace]

And I've done this before. I live in London.

[Matthew Crosby]

Yes. I find it. You know the thing I find infuriating? When people wait for the. The gates to close again before they tap on, you're like, come on, guys, you should know by now.

[Danny Wallace]

Or they stand, they go right into the gate, next to the gate and then try and tap. You're like, it's not gonna let you do it.

[Matthew Crosby]

It's not gonna let you do it. You're too close. You're too close.

[Danny Wallace]

I don't let you do it. You Italian.

[Matthew Crosby]

Okay, well, another, of course Italian with the Oyster card. Another wonderful euphemism. Have a wonderful week, everybody.

[Vin]

Nice to hear from Mark, though.

[Matthew Crosby]

Nice. Nice to hear from Mark. Yeah, yeah, he doesn't. He doesn't. Doesn't say how he is.

[Danny Wallace]

Chat about Mark on your own time.

[Matthew Crosby]

Hope he's all right, as always. Beck, Rex, lovely time.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah.

[Matthew Crosby]

And we will see you next week.

[Danny Wallace]

Bye.

[Vin]

Oh, we're doing next week's show, like now.

[Danny Wallace]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

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