Emergency Intercom – "All cops are bottoms"

Date: January 31, 2026
Hosts: Enya Umanzor & Drew Phillips (with Kai and guest)
Podcast: Emergency Intercom by iHeartPodcasts

Episode Overview

In this episode, Enya, Drew, Kai, and guest unpack the bleak state of the world in a signature mix of absurdist humor, personal anecdotes, rapid-fire cultural critique, and unfiltered social commentary. The group sharply riffs on the rise of ICE and government overreach, TikTok's algorithmic changes, queerness and online identity, gainful unemployment through stocks, and their own everyday chaos—from beeping house alarms to neighborhood shower mishaps, social faux pas, and candy addictions.

The hosts also deliver pointed takes on masculinity, performative activism, and why some jobs (cops, billionaires, ICE agents) are metaphorically "bottoms." Despite heavy themes of surveillance, violence, and political fear, the show remains laced with levity, inside jokes, and exchanges that veer from the ridiculous to the deeply poignant.

Key Discussions & Highlights

1. Morning Mayhem & Neighborhood Anecdotes

• [03:03] Enya and Drew open by mocking Drew's allegedly dramatic morning routine—Enya accuses him of "falling in the shower" amid chaos and construction noise.

  "What were you doing this morning? Because downstairs it sounded like you were falling in the shower every three seconds." – Enya ([03:03])

• Drew shares a voice memo of an elementary school’s new PA system blaring loud at 8:23 am, followed by a neighbor’s alarm blaring for 30 minutes.

Crime, Robberies, and the Value of Stuff

• [04:32] They riff on the logic (or lack thereof) of breaking into homes:

  "Imagine the humiliation of breaking into a home like this and just stumbling upon our empty ass house. Garbage." – Enya & Drew ([05:08])

• Value is subjective; the hosts joke about their “valuable” items being worth nothing except personal sentiment, referencing Beanie Baby mania and resale delusions (and, humorously, Fleshlights).

2. Misunderstandings, Farmer’s Markets, and Perceptions

• [06:53] Enya describes an awkward encounter with a cheese vendor who projects churchgoing habits onto her friend Rain, and wildly overestimates Enya's wealth:

  "She just always looks so good. She comes here right after church, which I just think is so beautiful." – Cheese Vendor ([07:36])
  "I live with two roommates, but, like, I'm really blessed..." – Enya ([07:42])

3. Vine Nostalgia and the Rise of TikTok

• [09:00] The group reminisces about Vine stars (notably "Selfie C"), internet bullying, and how certain early creators were mocked for content that's now mainstream.

  "She predicted the entire fucking future." – Drew ([09:41])
  "Selfie C did all that first. And I'm apologizing on behalf of every single person that bullied you. Baby, you. You were the star." – Drew ([10:47])

• They discuss how TikTok’s era might be ending ("getting obliterated" post-sale) and speculate on the future of social media—Kai predicts:

  "2000 and thirties is gonna be...you wake up in a vat of red liquid ... and you power like a search engine or something." – Kai ([11:51])

4. Stereotypes: Nurses, Pilots, The Kinsey Scale, and Hyper-Self Awareness

• [13:41] Group jokes that male nurses and pilots must be gay, backed up by the infamous Buzzfeed "sexuality quiz" and the Kinsey scale.

  "You have to be gay to be a boy nurse, just like you have to be gay to be a boy pilot." – Drew ([13:45])

• Tangents about quizzes, old internet memes, and anxiety about gendered readings of behavior (e.g., fingernail test).

  "Like, wait, look at your nails. How would you look at your nails?" ([15:19])

5. Compliments, Intuition, and "The Spark"

• [21:12] Compliment relay: Drew gets praised by a straight friend, which leads to a riff on how fleeting validation and “the spark” can be:

  "Someone recently literally was like, I've seen the spark fade over the last year." – Drew ([21:59])

• Commentary on female intuition:

  "He is the only other person who has basically a female level of intuition. The other person is me." – Kai ([26:17])

6. Viral Culture: Gay Christian TikToker & Algorithmic Dystopia

• [29:13] Drew recounts following a hyper-Christian, flamboyant TikToker who eventually comes out but receives backlash when his audience evolves.

  "On the new year...he was like, I'm Christian and I'm gay, and I'm looking for a boyfriend. And it shattered everything." – Drew ([29:53])

• The group explores the rabbit hole of ex-gay YouTubers, anti-LGBTQ propaganda, and the radicalization pipeline online:

  "It was just horrifying to see ... like, that have 800 likes, meaning that, like, there's probably gay dudes liking that." – Drew ([33:16])

• Enya on the importance of curating your online space:

  "This is literally my front yard. I'm doing landscaping. There's weeds in the front yard. I'm gonna rip out and make sure they don't come back." ([35:03])

7. TikTok, Oracle, and ICE – Surveillance Worries

• [36:12] Ongoing observations about TikTok’s interface changing after Oracle’s acquisition.

  "My TikTok feed like in the last like 2 days is completely different ... it just feels soulless now." – Drew ([37:49])

• [39:06] Data privacy anxieties: new TikTok terms and their implications (GPS tracking, AI models, sharing with gov't agencies including ICE).

  "Your sexual orientation, religious beliefs, political opinions, and health diagnoses can now be used." ([43:19])
  "If you're gay, good luck ... you're not getting insurance." ([43:27])

• Feeling helpless under government and corporate control:

  "There's no winning ... We're all expected to just like, like funnel money into like what the government wants..." – Enya ([44:46])

8. The Bottom Discourse: Billionaires, Cops, and ICE Agents

• [45:13] The group mockingly theorizes that all billionaires, cops, and ICE agents are "bottoms" (i.e., not in control, despite power):

  "All billionaires are bottom. All cops are bottoms. All billionaires are bottoms. All ICE agents are bottoms. No, literally, a bottom of this is." – Drew ([45:16])

• Enya summarizes the root problem as male shame and disconnection, with a deadpan call for suicide among ICE agents (a satirical, dark riff criticizing authoritarian and racist mindsets):

  "Men just have an inherent shame that they cannot get away from. And it just trickles down and hurts literally everybody... joining ICE is not going to give you community... at that point... you should just kill yourself." – Enya ([45:27])
  "I really do think we should bring back how viable of an option suicide is. If you're feeling like all the evils that you're trying to project onto other people, it's not even, like, giving you the satisfaction of being an evil person..." – Enya ([46:17]) "Suicidal ideation is a beautiful thing. If you're an ICE agent..." – Enya ([46:54])

9. State Violence, ICE, Policing, and Social Breakdown

• [48:01] Discussion of recent police and ICE violence, sanctuaries (Minneapolis, LA, Miami), and tactical shifts in targeting marginalized groups.

  "I feel like they're just really like, proving a point or trying to show that ... the force is bigger than it actually is." – Drew ([51:19])

• Enya and Drew unravel contradictions in right-wing logic (arming for defense, but enabling government violence via ICE), and how whiteness no longer insulates from state brutality:

  "Now a white woman and a white guy have been killed by ice... I never thought I'd see a day where there were right wing people or any kind of people, but white people were down to let one of their own be treated like that." – Enya ([57:07])

10. Media, PR, and Consumer Culture

• [63:13] Rapid riffs on trends: the PR campaign for kale, "Big Dairy," the protein craze versus fiber, and dietary fads.

  "Protein is headlining Coachella. Why is fiber line 2 or 3 at Coachella?" – Drew ([64:03])

• Candy and corn addictions, gym obsessions, and body image:

  "My husband has a corn addiction, Period. My husband loves going to the gym. He's obsessed with corn." – Enya ([66:34])

Literary Interlude: Reading Practice

• [71:05] Competitive readings from Cookie Mueller's "Walking Through Clear Water in a Pool Painted Black" and references to "The Bell Jar," sparking jokes about their reading proficiency and book recommendations.

11. Media Recs and Top Songs – The Media Minute

• Everyone shares favorite albums, books, and their top-ten played tracks on Apple Music and Spotify (various timestamps from [73:10] to [78:10]).
• Camila Cabello’s misunderstood album, media PR rollouts, and reflections on how art gets copied.

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On the value of their own possessions:
  "Everything I bought that I was like, this is going to be worth something in the future is worth nothing now, mind you." – Enya ([05:39])
• On misusing block/not interested:
  "...me and the block button have always had this dangerously amazing love affair behind closed doors." – Enya ([34:19])
• On bottom discourse:
  "All billionaires are bottoms. All cops are bottoms. All ICE agents are bottoms. No, literally, a bottom of this is." – Drew ([45:16])
• On suicidal ideation (satirical, dark):
  "Suicidal ideation is a beautiful thing. If you're an ICE agent, it's this escape." – Enya ([46:54])
• "Chapel ganger" joke ownership dispute (Drew vs. Kai):
  "Oh, you're his chapel ganger, Kai." – Drew ([62:28])
  "That's not Kai's joke." – Enya ([62:44])

Notable Segments & Timestamps

• [03:03] – Shower mishaps and neighborhood chaos.
• [04:32] – The futility of robbing their "garbage" house.
• [09:00] – Revisiting Vine-era internet bullying.
• [13:41] – Gay scientist/kinsey scale jokes.
• [21:12] – Compliment relay – "I've seen the spark fade."
• [26:17] – Male/female intuition and psychic abilities.
• [29:13] – The gay Christian TikTok saga.
• [35:03] – Online spaces as "my front yard"/landscaping analogy.
• [39:06], [43:19] – TikTok data privacy, gov’t collusion, and algorithm changes.
• [45:13] – The great bottom debate (billionaires, cops, ICE agents).
• [48:01] – State violence, ICE tactics, and local responses.
• [71:05] – Reading out loud/book recs.
• [73:10–78:10] – Media recommendations, album and song favorites.

Tone & Style

The episode balances heavy social critique (state violence, queer suppression, digital dystopia) with camp absurdity, Gen-Z jadedness, and self-aware meta-commentary. The hosts transition seamlessly between comedy, vulnerability, and provocation, echoing their signature “no emergencies, just attention” ethos.

Takeaway

"All cops are bottoms" distills the modern, online, and IRL anguish of young creatives navigating shame culture, governmental overreach, and hopelessness, all seen through a uniquely sardonic, meme-laden lens. Despite the darkness, the hosts hold onto humor, friendship, and a relentless commitment to call out (and clown) the systems and people who perpetuate harm—a cathartic, chaotic, and timely group therapy session for listeners living through America’s weirdest times.