alright listen up gay people

Summary

Episode Summary: "Alright Listen Up Gay People"

Release Date: February 7, 2025
Hosts: Enya Umanzor (referred to as Kai) & Drew Phillips
Podcast: Emergency Intercom
Description: Emergency Intercom is a comedy podcast where Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips engage in humorous and candid conversations about various topics, blending personal anecdotes with sharp wit.

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Overview

In the episode titled "Alright Listen Up Gay People," hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips delve into a range of topics, from personal mishaps and relationship dynamics to media critiques and humorous takes on everyday experiences. The episode is marked by their signature banter, sharp humor, and occasional offbeat tangents that keep listeners entertained throughout.

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Key Topics Discussed

1. Personal Mishaps and Humorous Anecdotes

• Running Naked and Alarm Mishaps:
  • Drew shares a humorous yet cringe-worthy story about running around his house naked to turn off a loud security alarm.
    • Drew (02:32): “I'm butt ass naked running through the house to turn it off because I was scared they were gonna call the police.”
  • Kai adds to the comedy by discussing her experience with ineffective alarms that fail to wake her up.
    • Kai (05:27): “I sleep through alarms. Like, nothing.”

2. Being Scammed and Online Purchases

• Overpriced Merchandise Scam:
  • Drew recounts being scammed while attempting to purchase an engraved iPod from a favorite rapper, highlighting the pitfalls of online collaborations.
    • Drew (09:07): “I sent my money to this really sketchy ass, like, website link.”
  • The discussion emphasizes the importance of verifying the authenticity of online sellers to avoid similar scams.

3. Skincare Routines and Store Experiences

• Negative Experiences with Skincare Stores:
  • Drew describes his unsettling experience at a skincare store, where misleading product information and unpleasant store ambiance deterred him from making a purchase.
    • Drew (11:03): “The hand soap smells like dick and balls.”
  • Kai and Drew humorously critique the high costs and aggressive sales tactics prevalent in the skincare industry.

4. Relationship Dynamics and "Roommate Phase"

• Challenges of Living Together:
  • The hosts discuss the "roommate phase" in relationships, where moving in together can strain partnerships due to incompatible habits and lack of personal space.
    • Drew (34:21): “It's a phase that kills most relationships.”
  • They humorously reflect on their own living arrangements, noting the difficulties of managing shared spaces and personal boundaries.

5. Media, Movies, and Pop Culture

• Lady Gaga and the Grammys:
  • Enya and Drew express admiration for Lady Gaga’s performances at the Grammys, discussing her influence and evolving style.
    • Kai (37:34): “She is one of the most gorgeous people ever. I love her so much.”
• Film Experiences:
  • Drew shares his emotional reaction to a horror movie titled "Queer," describing how it provoked deep personal reflections.
    • Drew (45:49): “It made me think a lot of really scary thoughts. How I am an evil person and I'm gonna be alone forever because I've been both sides.”
• Music Preferences:
  • The hosts exchange thoughts on various artists and albums, including excitement over upcoming releases and critiques of current music trends.
    • Drew (42:07): “Rihanna took a page out of my book not releasing an album and constantly teasing it all the time.”

6. Pet Stories and Personal Life

• Stories About Their Cats:
  • Brief, humorous exchanges about their cats’ antics and interactions with their environment.
    • Drew (26:27): “My monstera is a very happy girl. She fuckingly hates me.”
    • Kai (31:25): “Azul gets a little high off of it because he goes and eats it.”

7. Health and Personal Struggles

• Self-Harm and Emotional Challenges:
  • Drew candidly discusses self-harm, adding a layer of vulnerability to the otherwise comedic episode.
    • Drew (26:13): “I've been cutting myself. Like, we'll insert the pictures of the bloody finger. Look away if you don't want to see them.”

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Notable Quotes

• Drew (02:11): “I want to suck your vagina. I want to suck the period I took your penis horny ass.”
• Kai (05:27): “I sleep through alarms. Like, nothing.”
• Drew (09:07): “I sent my money to this really sketchy ass, like, website link.”
• Drew (34:21): “It's a phase that kills most relationships.”
• Kai (37:34): “She is one of the most gorgeous people ever. I love her so much.”
• Drew (45:49): “It made me think a lot of really scary thoughts. How I am an evil person and I'm gonna be alone forever because I've been both sides.”
• Drew (26:13): “I've been cutting myself. Like, we'll insert the pictures of the bloody finger. Look away if you don't want to see them.”

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Conclusion

"Alright Listen Up Gay People" offers a blend of humor, candid conversations, and personal reflections from Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips. The episode navigates through lighthearted jokes and more serious topics, providing listeners with an authentic and entertaining experience. Whether discussing the frustrations of ineffective alarms, the pitfalls of online scams, or the intricacies of relationship dynamics, the hosts maintain a relatable and engaging dialogue that resonates with a diverse audience.

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Note: This summary omits advertisements, intros, outros, and non-content sections as per the specified guidelines.

Transcript

[Drew]

Hey guys. We wanted to take a quick break to thank today's sponsor, Shopify. Y'all. Shopify is a life changing platform. I've said it once, I'll say it again. I have built many businesses through Shopify.

[Kai]

We own many business a mini, a.

[Drew]

Mini, a mini, a mini businesses.

[Kai]

And we couldn't do it without Shopify. And listen, what you need to do right now is not only start your business, but upgrade that business and get the same checkout Allbirds uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase go to shopify.comintercom to upgrade your selling today. Thank you.

[Drew]

Live from Radio City Music hall, it's the SNL50 homecoming concert. Featuring performances by Arcade Fire, the B52, Backstreet Boys, Bad Bunny, Bonnie Raitt, Brittany Howard, Randy Carlisle, Chris Martin, Dave Grohl, David Byrne, Devo, Eddie Vedder, Jack White, Jelly Roll, Lady Gaga, Mil Mumford and Sons, Post Malone, the Roots and more. Celebrating 50 years of SNL music. February 14th at 8pm Eastern. Catch it live on Peacock.

[Kai]

Hi.

[Drew]

Hey. Bye bye y'all.

[Kai]

Welcome back to emergency intercom, guys. I finally saw Nosferatu I v to go to sleep. That movie was boring as like, I can't.

[Drew]

I want to suck your vagina. I want to suck the period I took your penis horny ass.

[Kai]

Honestly, it wasn't as horny as people led it on to be. Like, it was a good movie. I don't want people to walk away and be like, oh my God, like what a idiot freak doesn't know enough.

[Drew]

Well, they're gonna. I know it's away thinking that regardless. Because that's just who you are. You're an idiot freak. Like just period. Like that's just like I guess.

[Kai]

Yeah, you are what you eat. And I stay eating you.

[Drew]

You stay munching on this kitty cat. This box.

[Kai]

Ew. Like ew. Also, Drew had to run around the house naked today and I'm so sad I missed it.

[Drew]

Oh my God. Yeah, it was horrible. Literally horrible. Worst, worst drama, like is horrible. Well, it was freezing cold. My penis was tiny. I'm never sleeping naked again in my life because the one time I did cuz I was like, oh, I got a heated blanket in my bed. Like I don't need to wear all these clothes like, because I normally get a heated blanket like four days ago.

[Kai]

Oh my God, you didn't tell me about that.

[Drew]

I normally wear like head to toe sweatsuit type.

[Kai]

Who were you with when you Got the blanket. Decided, like, where? Did you order it or did you like, getting.

[Drew]

I ordered it.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

What the.

[Kai]

I'm just saying, like, feels like something you should have, like, got in the mail and showed to me. I show you everything. I guess that's just weird.

[Drew]

Well, there's reasons why you didn't.

[India]

I feel like you're. I personally feel like you're in the wrong. True.

[Kai]

Thank you. He got a heated blanket behind my back. Like, I feel like I have it.

[Drew]

Sorry. Jesus fucking Christ. What did I do? Normally I just. Normally I sleep head to toe in a sweatsuit because our house is so cold. It is literally so freezing in here all the time. So I was like, you know, I'm gonna get a heated blanket. And then I was like, actually, I don't need to wear clothes to bed anymore. I really don't need to. Like, I'm gonna sleep naked for the first time in a long time. Was rudely awoken to our sound or our security system blaring through the fucking house. Like, it's the worst sound I've ever heard in my entire life.

[Kai]

Yeah, it really does sound like. You know when you stumble upon the weird ass, like, end of the world sirens throughout the world, and it's just the scariest noises you could think of. That is what the alarm sounds.

[Drew]

It's horrible sounds like. And like all the way in my room. Like, you don't really hear how awful it is, but when you're at the security panel, like, it is. Like it is. It's inside of you. It's not like it's not like a sound you're hearing. Like it's reverberating through your bones, like it's like shaking your insides. But I was butt ass naked running through the house to turn it off because I was scared they were gonna, like, call the police. And they still called me and they said they were gonna send a security guy to our house, but they literally didn't. So they lost.

[Kai]

Maybe that's better then, because you just had to run around the house naked.

[Drew]

Yeah. And I was so scared someone was gonna like me to get to the alarm, but everyone was gone or faking like they were asleep because you don't sleep through that. But, I mean, I could.

[Kai]

I'm not gonna lie. No. When it went off that other time, I didn't sleep through it. But I've realized when I wake up to my phone, if I go to sleep and I have an alarm set and I end up staying up later and I don't End up waking up on time. I will wake up and I have slept through my alarm to the point that it doesn't say, like, snooze. Like, it literally. It's the gray screen that says snooze or repeat, and it'll be hours later, which means I've just, like, slept through the noise. I sleep through an alarm. Like, nothing.

[Drew]

It's actually insane.

[Kai]

It means nothing to me. Like, you're. You're silly alarm sounds that you think are going to wake me up.

[Drew]

They mean don't even try.

[Kai]

Like, literally, don't try to wake me up.

[Drew]

Wait, hold on. This is my alarm sound. Wait.

[Kai]

Also, everybody got on us about our lighting in the last episode. So this is our attempt at good lighting for a podcast. If you were wondering, like, this is genuine three years.

[Drew]

It's been three years, and it looks like.

[Kai]

No, we're almost four years in, and we're like, yep, let's get a light in right there.

[Drew]

Yeah, perfect. And if you could see the way it looks, you'd be shocked. Wait, how do you change or find your alarm? Because I want to know.

[Kai]

It's in the clock app.

[Drew]

I know, but, like, I want to know what alarm sound you use.

[Kai]

Oh, which. Oh, I have a plethora.

[Drew]

Because.

[Kai]

Trust and believe. I've had to try them all. Like, I've literally had to try them all. What's crazy is, in high school, I used to wake up to, like. I had my alarm set to, like, Frank Ocean for a while, which is crazy because I guess I just never fell into REM sleep. I just would be awake.

[Drew]

This will interrupt us in a second.

[Kai]

But is it just like your classic alarm sound?

[Drew]

Yeah. This has been the week of me getting scammed, by the way. I've literally been scammed three different fucking times this week. One, the first time was by my favorite rapper. And I've been withholding this story from y'all for so long because.

[Kai]

That'S not waking me up. See, like, that literally, I'm actually, like, you've just transported me to the under, like, water world of Fortnite. And, like, that's where I'm at in my dreams. Like, my feet are going. Like, this time, look at my feet go down a water slide.

[India]

That sounds like a Blade song.

[Drew]

No, that. That wakes me up every time. Like, no questions asked. And I don't know if people. I don't think a lot of people use that specific sound, because I hear the one that everybody uses that they get pissed about on, like, Tick Tock and For the first time ever, they use that alarm sound in a TikTok. And it really did send shutters through my body. Like, it really did, like, activate my fight orf flight sound.

[Kai]

This is what I have for one of my alarms. Oh, my God. Hello. What is this one?

[Drew]

Oh, see, you do wake up to that alarm. Because I was like, dude, you sleep through that every single.

[Kai]

No, I sleep through it. And then I've switched to this one.

[Drew]

And I sleep through that one.

[Kai]

I had a sleepover with Rain and she was mad as fuck at me, and I'm not allowed to put on alarms in her house anymore because, like, literally she had to kept waking up and, like, find my phone to turn off my alarm because I don't turn them off. I feel like I just like. Like I, like, nudge it away from the vibration. Will wake me up sometime.

[Drew]

You need to get the vibrating bed. Actually, no, you don't know. I'll tell you that much right now. She would. She already never leaves that goddamn bed. She'd be catatonic, toes curling. I want to get the alarm that you have to shoot with a gun. What y'all haven't seen.

[Kai]

I know what you're talking about. Like, they. I feel like it was such a thing in, like, the 90s. Like, in a movie, some kid would have one and it was like. It's like a laser style gun. Like a laser.

[India]

Oh, oh, okay.

[Drew]

What is that frequency that gives us cancer?

[Kai]

Swear.

[Drew]

I know of all the AR or the VR. What is it called when you're, like, looking at your phone and like.

[India]

Oh, the ir.

[Drew]

Infrared. Infrared, yeah. That gives us cancer, by the way.

[India]

100, bro.

[Kai]

Everything does. Like, next.

[Drew]

I know. Even the fiber I've been taking gives me cancer. But I got scammed by my favorite rapper, y'all. I literally did, like. And I knew, like, I knew I was up by buying this, but Edward Skeletrix released an engraved ipod with his new album on it.

[Kai]

Oh, I remember. I was like, yeah, you should do that.

[Drew]

That's a good idea.

[Kai]

Like, that's awesome.

[Drew]

And no hate. No hate. I got got, like, simply put, like, I don't give a. Like, but it was a hundred dollars and I want my engraved ipod.

[Kai]

But that's the thing is I wouldn't want a refund. The idea is good enough. I'm like, just do it.

[Drew]

And it wasn't. It wasn't directly from Edward Skeletrix. It was from the people selling, like, an engraving them like this.

[Kai]

It was called, like, random.

[Drew]

No, it was like, he collaborated with this brand. So I DM'd them on the side and was like, can I buy one of those? I really, really want one. And they were like, yeah, sure. Just send your money to this really sketchy ass, like, website link. And I was like, okay, yeah, I will. And they were like, make sure you put your password in or your address and in. And I was like, yeah, I will. That was like a month and a half.

[Kai]

They're like, don't forget the last four digits of your social.

[Drew]

Yeah, I will. Don't. Don't worry. So, yeah, I got scammed trying to get an Edward Skeletrix ipod. And again, I genuinely don't care. I want my money back. But no, hate. I got got, simply put. And then I got scammed three days ago. This one still really, really, really hurts me. Like, this one actually upsets me, so. And you needed to go to a bra shop to, like, get new brawl and panties. And I went in there and was, like, way too horny, so I had to walk out.

[Kai]

There was actually a guy in there who I didn't tell you about, actually. Finish your scam. And then I'll.

[Drew]

Sorry. So I was like, oh, I'll go next door to the skin care store next door.

[Kai]

I walk next door to the skincare store next door.

[Drew]

Exactly. I walk in and it is so sterile. Sterile and, like, dark, dark, dark energy, but it's so bright, so it doesn't make sense. It doesn't compute. And it's like really, really bad vibes. And I'm just, like, kind of floating around. And they're like, oh, you know we're spa, right? And I was like, yeah, I didn't know that. I was like, oh, I just wanted to look at your products. And so I'm like, going through the line and I'm like, what? Y'all's flagship product? And they're like, oh, it's our hyaluronic acid. Da, da, da, da, da. And I was like, oh, do you have body wash? And they, like, pointed, and they were like, it's the big bottle. You can use the hand soap. If you want to use any of our products, you should wash your hands. And the hand soap smells like the body wash, which smelled like dick and balls. It really smelled like gooch. Like, mccooch. Like, it was rancid fucking vibes. Like, rotten tooth. But it was really nasty, so I washed my hands and I didn't use any of the products because I was literally terrified of everybody in there. And I was like, I Should just leave. I'm not gonna buy anything. I don't need anything. My skin looks great. I added two new things to my skincare regimen, and it completely changed my life.

[Kai]

I know. That morning he came into my room and he was like, look. And started, like, shaking.

[Drew]

And people keep asking me if I got facials, and, babe, I did, but not the kind you're thinking of.

[Kai]

Oh, my God, dude.

[Drew]

But I. What was I saying? I got distracted by me getting a facial. I had war flashbacks. What was I saying?

[Kai]

I don't know. People keep asking you about your good skin. Damn.

[India]

You were, like, bragging, yeah.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah, my skin. My skin is great. No, no, I was. I was like. I was like, I'm not gonna buy anything from this goddamn store because I don't need anything. But the way they were treating me made me just feel like I needed to buy something. They always get you. They always get me. They, like, prey upon my ego, and it works every time. And I should have just fucking walked out. Because it's not cheap skin care. Like, it's really.

[Kai]

I didn't know that was that expensive.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

So I'm like, it's a brand they carry in, like, Sephora. So I was like, oh, yeah. Like, that would be cute. You go in there.

[Drew]

Ye. I knew it was, like, a little more expensive. And as I was walking out, I was like, actually, you know what? I'm gonna prove them wrong. Like, they don't think I can buy this shit. I'm gonna buy this. So I'm like, oh, I'll just get the Night Serum. And they were like, oh, okay. And they started. They started treating me like I deserve to be treated.

[Kai]

They started treating you like a human being.

[Drew]

Yeah, exactly. So I get to the checkout counter and I see a number flash across the screen. And I, like, didn't even think it was a possibility for this tiny little fucking bot. I'm not exaggerating, y'all. This big. This. This round, this big. Like the size of Kai's penis. Like, really, really, really, really tiny.

[India]

Okay, that's not accurate.

[Drew]

But. But I'm like. I see a number flash across the screen, and I'm like, there's like, there's no way. That must have been the order before, right? Like, there's no way that that is for that. I had a million.

[Kai]

I feel like you were trying to convince me, like, I was there with you. Like, there's no way.

[Drew]

Absolutely no way. So I'm, like, sitting there, he's like, oh, I can take Your card now. And I was like, okay. And then he, like, has one of the, like, portable things. He didn't tell me the price and before. And, like, I'm going to tap my card down. I'm like, he didn't tell me the price. I'm expecting, like, $100, $120 max on this little fucking vial. Like, I would have been uncomfortable because.

[Kai]

It'S, like, a nice skincare brand, but you're not expecting, like, yeah.

[Drew]

And I, like, I go to tap my card, and I'm like, oh. Oh, my God. Like, y'all. It was $363 for a single buyer.

[India]

A popper sized.

[Drew]

Literally. Literally. It was literally pauper size. And I was like, are you out of your mind?

[Kai]

And then you paid for it and you walked on. You said, thank you guys so much.

[Drew]

Exactly. I was like, yalls customer service was amazing. Thank you guys so much for stealing my money.

[Kai]

Stealing my money. You guys really made me feel at home. You have no idea.

[India]

Because that's two of your, like, biggest insecurities is, like, being rejected by customer service.

[Drew]

Yes.

[India]

And, like, financial stuff. Like, stuff that expensive.

[Drew]

Exactly.

[Kai]

I know. Because Drew. Literally, one thing about Drew is he's not spending that fudgeing money. Like, he's not going to do it.

[India]

Well, he spends money on me, but for stuff that doesn't matter, he won't spend money.

[Kai]

Well, like, your hole is cheap, so it's not.

[Drew]

Yeah, you're ran through. 25 bucks. 25. 25 bucks a pop.

[India]

I also just want to clarify. Oh, my dick isn't, like, small like a popper. It's actually big like a Yankee candle, but continue.

[Kai]

Ew. That is, like, disgusting.

[Drew]

It is.

[Kai]

Hurts, but yeah.

[Drew]

And then it hurts. I literally thank them. I thank them for stealing my money. Stealing. It's blind robbery, bitch. It has been sitting on my fucking desk for the past three days because I refuse to fucking open that shit and make my skin oily.

[Kai]

He was trying to convince one of our friends to go back and return it for.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. This was our method. This was our method. I was going to. He was.

[Kai]

I think you should still do.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's getting returned.

[Kai]

Like, the thing is that we are Two people nearing 30 at a rapid rate. Sitting here talking about how you got scammed when really we still navigate the world like children, and we're too embarrassed to be like, hi, so what's the price on that? Because I'm scared. Nobody takes me serious. So I'm like, they don't care.

[Drew]

Well, they See me, and they don't take me serious, which is my fault.

[Kai]

But also because we literally. This is how me and Drew go into stores. Because we are not social people in that way. We go in and I literally. I like.

[Drew]

Like, all creepy. Yeah.

[Kai]

We're making jokes, whisper to each other and laugh and don't talk to anybody. And it's not to be rude. It literally is. I am so terrified because also, if I get locked in a conversation, I'm scared. Mainly because I will talk someone's ear off.

[Drew]

Yeah. I would tell them. Tell them the method that he came up.

[Kai]

Drew is gonna send one of our friends back to the shop with my card and card and ID and say, hey, I sent my nephew in here and I told him he could get nice for himself while I was at another shop. Only spend 100 to $150. And he spent almost double that. So I need to return those.

[Drew]

No, I did spend double that, almost triple that. So he's going to go in with my wallet or with my card, my ID and the receipt and the skincare, which is.

[Kai]

That doesn't make sense. Is your pictures on your id? They're going to, like, just in case they ask, they're going to look at.

[Drew]

Me like, so you killed this man, took his wallet in his skincare, and now you're trying to. $360 back on the card. Like, what?

[Kai]

Not even that. But they're gonna be like, this isn't your nephew, like, literally, like, the friend.

[Drew]

Like, I'm adopted. I'm adopted.

[Kai]

I'm adopted, like, by any means.

[Drew]

I think I actually am adopted.

[Kai]

I mean, I think so, too. And I think it was a huge mistake.

[Drew]

Huge. I'm tiny. India has no idea how to compliment me anymore.

[Kai]

No, I don't. I don't. I don't know what Drew wants, like, anything. Drew is like my girlfriend who anything I say is going to be a problem. She's on her period right now. Just don't even say anything.

[Drew]

Don't even talk.

[Kai]

What's it called? Luteal phase. Yeah, Like, Drew is always at his Luteal.

[Drew]

Permalutel.

[Kai]

There is no, wait, that's my band name.

[Drew]

Perma. Or my drag name is Perma Luteal or something. There's Lud. Lud.

[Kai]

I guess it would make sense because you would look like shit all the time.

[Drew]

Luteal is bitch fudge.

[Kai]

That one right?

[Drew]

No, Luteal. L O U T E A L. Lutiel. Fuck you. That cooked. I cooked. That cooked.

[Kai]

Louis Tomlinson.

[Drew]

India tries to compliment me, and she'll be like, oh, Drew, you look so, like, you look so strong today. And I'm like, cool. So I'm fucking ginormous and fat and greasy and gross and I'm a fucking.

[Kai]

I know I can't say anything to. Today I was like, oh, my God, you look really good today. You look, like, tiny. And then he was like, okay, well, I was trying to gain weight, but, like, it's. Okay, fine.

[Drew]

I know I gained five pounds and no one noticed. No one noticed.

[Kai]

Literally. Like, there is. But also, I don't compliment men, so I, like, I genuinely don't know what to say. Like, I don't know what. Like, what are you even supposed to say to a man to make him happy?

[Drew]

Like, twerk on.

[Kai]

You're the man, girl.

[Drew]

Don't say, that's what you say.

[Kai]

No, literally, I don't plan on ever. Also, I don't need to be good at complimenting, like, also straight men. But you, you are harder to compliment because you're not like a normal gay person. You're like a very weird kind of gay person. Does that make sense?

[Drew]

Neither of those are true.

[Kai]

All my other gay friends are.

[Drew]

You talk easy.

[Kai]

So easy to compliment. Drew, like, literally has to be so specific.

[Drew]

Literally, all you have to do is say, my skin looks nice and my hair looks dense, and I will get a boner. Like, ew.

[Kai]

But yeah, I don't know how to compliment men, and I don't plan on learning because, like, I seriously, I'm not kidding. I wish I was kidding. I'm like, what could you say to a man that would make it feel.

[Drew]

Like you look strong today? But no, if you. If you compliment a straight, the world.

[Kai]

If you put your mind to it, I love you.

[Drew]

If you compliment a straight man, they think you're, like, hitting on them. Yeah, it's, like, not. It's. It's really, really dark sided and twisted. Hey, guys, we wanted to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors, Zocdoc. Okay? You'll hear me talk about it in this episode. Something horrible, horrible happened to me. I sliced, Sliced my finger open down to the bone, inches wide. It was horrible. It was gushing blood everywhere. It was dark. It was sad. And I should have used Zocdoc. I really. I really should have used Zocdoc to go get stitches because I now have an open wound on my finger, which I probably should go look. Go get it looked at with Zocdoc because it smells like rotting flesh.

[Kai]

Ew. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to Zocdoc.comIntercom to find an instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's ZocDoc doc sockdoc.comintercom when I need.

[Drew]

A doctor, I'm heading to Zach Doc.

[Kai]

Hey guys, we want to take a quick break to thank one of today's sponsors for this episode, Shopify. Shopify has the simplest checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret with Shopay that boosts conversions up to 50%. Listen, running a business is already hard enough. Shopify will consolidate all the information you need to keep your business growing into one platform. So I mean, step it up.

[Drew]

So if you're into growing your business, your commerce platform better be ready to sell whatever your customers are scrolling and strolling on the web for. Businesses that sell on Shopify sell more.

[Kai]

I have realized with using something as simple as Shopify, the checkout is so much more seamless. There's way less abandoned carts because Shopify just makes it easy for your customer to get to the thing that should be the most important part of the.

[Drew]

Whole process your product, upgrade your business and get the same checkout Aviator Nation uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.comintercom all lowercase go to shopify.comintercom to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.comintercom you love men also. Yes, I did wipe on my jeans. I put poopy on my jeep. No, I'm working. I'm a working man. Wait, hold on. Actually, we were talking about poopy butt. We were talking about poopy butt earlier today. Me and, me and Kai had a poop butt conversation. And me. And then you had a poopy butt conversation.

[India]

Oh, Separately. Wow.

[Drew]

Yeah. And it was like, oh, I like wipe my ass with like water from the sink. She stands over the sink crouch and like wipes her ass like that to get the poop out of her butt after she poops.

[Kai]

I actually can't have this conversation. Like, I really can't. And I.

[Drew]

She doesn't in the same. In the same sink she brushes her teeth in. It's crazy. It's really.

[Kai]

No, actually I have my hairspray bottle for when I like get my hair all curly and I'm too frugal to buy a bidet. So I just, I put Steaming hot water in it. And I just put the. But the bottle is really long, so usually the end of the bottle gets in the poop water. But.

[Drew]

And Kai was telling me that he loves when he's showering, when he, like, fingers a dingleberry out of his butt.

[India]

It's a cathartic.

[Kai]

Like, it's really not that funny. It's just funny because, like, it's not funny.

[Drew]

Three 30 year olds.

[Kai]

I do find good poop like, jokes to be so funny. They really are so funny. Also, I went and had breakfast this morning, and the behind me had the most annoying dog on the planet, and I never wanted so badly to turn around and kick the out of that dog. Like, her and that dog needed to go.

[Drew]

I the saying, all dogs go to heaven. Yeah. By my hands. I hate dogs. I really don't with them at all. I've been killing dogs. No, I've been killing dogs.

[India]

Oh, you shouldn't say that on the podcast.

[Drew]

No, I've been killing them, you know, and running them over. No, guys, I like.

[Kai]

No, you know that about me. Wait, why? We're gonna act like that's not a thing.

[Drew]

Oh, wait. I didn't even tell them what happened to me. Something really, really bad happened to me, y'all. Like, something so bad.

[Kai]

Mind you, me and Drew haven't been hanging out this week because we've been busy doing our own thing, so.

[India]

Oh, my God, his small cut.

[Kai]

Dude, I'm so sorry, Drew. And this cut, like, one thing about. I don't think. I genuinely don't know if I. I will let you, like, raise children, because the way you hacked about, like, I feel like they're gonna be Gypsy Rose's mom.

[Drew]

No, no, I. No.

[Kai]

My kid is sick.

[Drew]

I will be give a.

[Kai]

Nobody gives a to my kid is sick.

[Drew]

My kids will be Gypsy Rose's mom, and I'll be Gypsy Rose. Like, I'll be the one that's sick all the time, and I'll be making them make me sick by telling them, oh, can you pour me a glass of water? Meanwhile, I'm putting minute amounts of cyanide in the bottom of the cup. So they're poisoning me, and it's not me poisoning me, but giving yourself Munch.

[India]

What is it? Munchausen.

[Drew]

Munchausens by proxy syndrome. Munchausen's by. Wait, I'm gonna munch house Munchausen on her p word till she's proxy.

[Kai]

Munchausen on her proxy.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm munching on her proxy proxy until she's housing this dick.

[Kai]

Oh, okay.

[Drew]

In her vagina. Right, right. Okay. I need to shut the up. But y'all, I cut myself. I've been cutting myself. Like, we'll insert the pictures of the bloody finger. Look away if you don't want to see them.

[Kai]

So for audio listeners, I've been cutting myself. We'll insert the pictures. Like, that's so crazy.

[Drew]

Yeah, I was trimming the tendrils off my monstera. She's a very happy girl. She's very, very happy.

[Kai]

That plant hates this.

[Drew]

She fucking hates me.

[Kai]

Azul F. That plant hates.

[Drew]

And it's poisonous to Azul. And Azul still eats it.

[Kai]

No, Azula's addicted to it. I think Azul gets a little high off of it because he goes and eats it and runs around and then gets under my bed. Throws up under my bed or throws.

[Drew]

Up in my bed.

[Kai]

Yeah, he just, like, goes, we shouldn't.

[Drew]

Be talking about poisoning as well with my monstera. It's not us poisoning him. It's him to my bed.

[Kai]

About that. Get off my dick. Like, what? I take my cat to the.

[Drew]

And he doesn't eat it anymore. But I was cutting the tendrils off, and I had a serrated blade and I was sawing through all of them. I was like, sawing, and it was like cutting through a stick. It was like wood, and it was like, a lot. And it was like rotating the plant around as it was sawing. And I had, like, about 20 of them to cut through.

[Kai]

You know what's crazy is, like, no one was there. And what you are describing, it sounds like the weakest. Like. Like, it's like, not vivid. This is like. You're trying to describe this, like, vivid landscape of, like, you're in the jungle, through the jungle, really. It's you. A 27 year old almost cutting on the floor.

[Drew]

I'm not fucking 27. Chill out. No, literally, no. I was in such a bad mood, too. I was so fucking pissed. I was, like, so pissed because the plant wouldn't stop rotating around. And I'm like, bitch, you're like £300. Like, chill the fuck out. But I'm sawing through it.

[Kai]

We literally have.

[Drew]

But I'm. I'm cutting through all of them, and there's about 20 of them. And I go one by one and I get through all of them. And all of them take the same amount of strength and the same amount of cuts. And I'm like, oh, wow, this is actually way easier than I thought. Then I get to the Last one, The last little tendril, and I'm sawing, and I, like, go in there, and I'm like, I'm using the same amount of pressure that I did before, and it cuts like butter. And then I saw through it, and it saws through my finger and my fingernail, and I. Oh, my God. That's my skin. I should have got stitches legit.

[Kai]

You should have just killed yourself.

[Drew]

I know. I thought about it.

[India]

Yeah.

[Kai]

That's what I would have done.

[Drew]

Wait, I kill myself. I just had, like, a quarter inch cut, cuz.

[Kai]

Honestly, you. You're already starting.

[India]

Wow. Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, go in.

[India]

I didn't even think about that.

[Drew]

Agree with her.

[India]

I just agree with that sentiment.

[Kai]

I'm the kind of go getter that, like, once I start, I don't. Like, I don't stop till I finish.

[India]

Yep.

[Kai]

It'S my time. I thought you said it's bedtime.

[India]

Drew called me and said that his skin was rotting off of his.

[Kai]

No, it is disgusting. Like, he should have just gone to the ER and just at least had it, like, rinsed out with, like, a good. He should have gone to Rite Aid and get a little thing.

[Drew]

I'm alive and I still have my full finger. I didn't.

[India]

You look sickly.

[Kai]

You have actually, you know what? This is so disgusting. And I'm gonna out myself for the nastiest thing ever. I have had a really dense past month. Just been busy and I'm not. What?

[Drew]

Oh, I thought you were saying you had a dense period.

[India]

That's what I thought too.

[Kai]

No, but I did have the kind of period that felt like the period of Christmas past. It was like bubble, bubble brulin. Like soil. Like, whatever the witches would say over the pot, like, that's what it was.

[Drew]

What the was?

[Kai]

That was it. They're like, bubble, bubble brewing something like.

[Drew]

I've never heard that once in my life.

[Kai]

You have.

[Drew]

It's like, hold on, I'll look it up. You keep. You keep telling.

[Kai]

I forgot what I was saying.

[India]

So your period was bad?

[Drew]

You've having a dense month.

[Kai]

Oh, I have. This is actually disgusting. It's better now. Guys, I. I'm not somebody who, like. I don't get, like, pedicures all the time. I used to get them all the time, but now I, like, maintain my own hands and feet at home because I could actually. I would rather walk into the street and get hit by oncoming traffic than sit in a random place with a stranger who I met three seconds ago when they're rubbing between my toes. And I have to act like they're not there, but also be like, thank you. You're doing an amazing. Like, it's just. Just a lot.

[India]

Some people really like touching feet.

[Kai]

I mean, that's what I was thinking yesterday, because I'm not gonna lie. When I was going in on my own toes, I had to go in. I wish I took a picture. My feet, granted, I also cleaned crazy yesterday, and, like, my feet were really dirty. I was so cold in my toes, where I literally had no sp. 2ft. Like, there's no other way to describe it. I had no sferatu claws.

[Drew]

Were they worse than mine?

[Kai]

No, my feet, I, I. I' so busy and disassociated from my body as of recent that I have not looked at my feet. No, it's not a good thing because my was rank as, like, I can't even lie. It was nasty. Now they look amazing. I, like, did them up. I gave, like, I really, like. But there was a remodeling happening last night. Like, last night we closed early.

[Drew]

Like, is that the way I had the chainsaw, dude?

[Kai]

I was sitting at my, like, in my room for two hours. It took me two hours to.

[Drew]

Wait. Can I see them? Wait, let me see them. Wait, let me have that sock. Can I see your sock? Let me see this.

[India]

Oh, Drew's making fun of me.

[Drew]

Yeah. Kai has something to show.

[India]

Did you guys see what happened on Tik Tok?

[Drew]

No.

[India]

This week, I basically got outed, and I think we should address it on Tik Tok. And. Yeah, I don't know if you've seen this, but so bad.

[Drew]

It is really.

[India]

I didn't know she was recording. Okay, let me just say that it is so bad.

[Kai]

Tell me how beautiful that sock is. Ew. I don't like that because it really does sound like you. That is, like, I can't.

[India]

Yeah, it sounds.

[Drew]

Keep watching. It's the funniest thing I've ever seen.

[Kai]

I wore that sock a while. I took a walk in that sock.

[Drew]

Has she panned over yet? It's on FaceTime.

[India]

Yellow. The sock is so crazy.

[Kai]

The sock is in the room. Like, why is the sock in the room with you and not him? I thought. I thought he had just.

[Drew]

No, it's showing the sock on FaceTime. Like, that's the craziest part.

[Kai]

Honestly. If, like, people that perverted could find goddess. If, like, people that perverted could genuinely just find another person who could be that perverted with them, there's something sweet about that. Does that make sense? Oh, he really does just like, is weird as fuck, but like, respect.

[Drew]

That's what I was saying about swingers. I literally think swingers are so cute to me, like legitimately. I think they're so cute. Like, like people that have been married. Yeah. Oh, older swingers, younger swinging, in your 30s, but like, get a grip. 50 year old swingers, 60 year old, that have been together for like 20 plus years, 30 years, and like their sex life has gotten a little boring and they're like, like, let's spice things up. Like, let's hook up with men and women. Like, what if we did that? And like, I don't know. I just think it's so cute that they like, they explore.

[Kai]

Because also in my head, a lot of those. I'm idealizing that idea. But I'm like, oh, y'all have really been together for so long. You actually are just homies now. I. In, in a way, we are swingers. Yeah, we are roommates show up and we like, we. I mean, we're always present at each other's. There's like sexual activities.

[Drew]

Yeah, you know what? We don't need to talk about that. But you know the roommate phase, you ever heard of that?

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

There's like a phase in relationships when people move in together, the roommate phase. And it's like, that's what kills most relationships. And I was just like reading a bunch about it and like, reading.

[Kai]

You watched a TikTok.

[Drew]

A single TikTok.

[Kai]

Reading a bunch.

[India]

That was real too.

[Kai]

No, I know also the like, like, not, not just reading about it. I was reading a bunch, like, don't get it twisted. I didn't see one paragraph, not two. I saw like a few pages.

[Drew]

If you think about it. They did a bunch of reading on it and they relayed the information to me. It's not.

[Kai]

We should just start saying, like, someone told me. Yeah, someone told me. I can't remember who, but someone.

[Drew]

I'm an expert now. I'm an expert now. On the roommate phase days, go look it up. It kills a lot of relationships. It's because they move in together and then they've never lived together. And it's like when you move in with a roommate you hate and then like you kind of butt heads and then things get stagnant and you're just hanging out all day and you're like, oh, my God, I want my own space. Oh, my God, leave me the alone. Oh, my God, I hate you. Clean up after yourself. Oh, my God, we're roommates. We don't do anything. We just stay inside all day long.

[Kai]

I just don't think any couple needs to live together. Like, I genuinely think living with a friend makes more sense to me.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's also. It's also giving. Like, we don't desire like that. Like, we don't. We have each other, so we don't. Like, we're not. We're never lonely. Like, I feel like it's. There's, like. It's like people that are, like, alone all the time and go to sleep alone and don't have roommates. They want, like, partners really badly to, like, hang out with all day long. But we have each other, which is.

[Kai]

I just don't think I'd want to hang out with a partner all day long.

[Drew]

No, I'm the same way. Like, if I ever date someone, I literally need to see them maybe once a month. I'm not kidding.

[Kai]

I mean, it does keep the excitement alive. Like, why do I have to see you every day? Also, I mean, I. Was it. No, I was gonna say I like living with a. I've always known I wasn't the kind of person who could live with a partner because I did that for a very brief time in my early, early 20s. Like, when I was 1920 also. I mean, when I was 19 20. Like, when I was 1,900.

[Drew]

Yeah, she was 19 years old.

[Kai]

I did that very briefly, but I didn't want to do it. Like, I genuinely. I always knew from the beginning, I was like, this is not a good idea. I got convinced into doing it. Guess what? The motherfucker moved out six months later. And we got into an argument the. The second we moved in because I wasn't picking up fast enough after myself when I was cooking, and I was.

[Drew]

Like, oh, you still don't.

[Kai]

I do when I'm cooking. I'll clean up after I cook. But I don't do.

[Drew]

I'm kidding.

[Kai]

I'm not doing the dishes after I cook. Damn. Can I chill? I just cooked.

[Drew]

That's why I literally am, like, cooking food is evil.

[Kai]

Cooking food.

[Drew]

It's really demonic. It really is demonic. I'm not kidding.

[Kai]

Cooking is demonic.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

I think getting on that.

[Drew]

Oh, wait, can we talk about Lady Gaga and how she's back in her demonic era?

[Kai]

I know. I'm so happy.

[Drew]

Thank God she's back in her dynamic era. Demonic is something I've been working on.

[India]

She looked good at the Grammys.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Dude. She is, like, one of the most, like, gorgeous people ever. I love her so much. Also, everyone. Everyone was just amazing. Me. Did you see Cynthia singing for the Quincy Jones tribute tribute?

[Drew]

She makes it look so easy.

[Kai]

I know. That's the thing. I don't like Dochi because I think I can do that.

[Drew]

I'm like, y'all Dochi. Like, I knew, I knew but now I know. Like, you know what I mean? Like literally that performance was mind blowing. I was so Gagatondra 3000 by it. Like literally bear me, bury me. Gagging. I was. I ate that up and I was like, oh, this is exactly what she needed.

[Kai]

Like no, I know. She is just so good. Also she's gorgeous as. But her NPR tiny desk I think will be.

[Drew]

I wonder if you still listen to that every day.

[Kai]

Yeah, I listen to it. It's my favorite thing to listen to my pastime. Like it's so good. Cuz it just like I really like when people reimagine albums. I listen to the album too. But just.

[Drew]

Except when I go to a concert.

[Kai]

Live instruments.

[Drew]

Except when I go to a concert and I want to hear the song in its entirety and then they make this like weird shitty version of it that no one in the audience knows of their most famous song. And I'm like, you can do that. I'm like, some people can get away with that. Doi can get away with that. Travis Scott.

[Kai]

No, I would say Drake doing that was the crazy. That's when we should have known. It was like it was time to pack it up because what. What do you mean? You're performing your hit song and now you think you can sing. Like we've always let you get away with a little bit of the singing. But now it's like, give it up.

[Drew]

You're trying. You're boring.

[Kai]

Bye bye bruh.

[Drew]

Boy. Boy.

[Kai]

But yeah, the Grammys were such a night for the girls. Sabrina's performance. Everyone was good. Chapel, like da da da. You already know.

[Drew]

Like you everyone know. It was like the best Grammys ever. It was so fan servicey in the best way. Like I don't think anybody left angry. Billy Eilish, I felt was snubbed in a couple ways.

[Kai]

Oh. That made me really.

[Drew]

Which I was upset about and like. But I think people thought she was crying that she didn't win album of the year. But I think she was crying for Beyonce because Beyonce.

[Kai]

Beyonce had never won them.

[Drew]

Yeah. And like it was very granted Beyonce.

[Kai]

As 35 fucking grand.

[Drew]

Like.

[Kai]

But no winning album of the year is a huge thing, guys.

[Drew]

Oh. I also signed up to get pre sell access to her New tour. She's coming to LA for like four nights.

[Kai]

I was gonna say, because she has so many, but them always snubbing her of album of the year is crazy.

[Drew]

And I, I. When I first saw her reaction, like, to winning country album, I was like, I think she's like playing it up a little bit. But then I really was like, oh, no, she genuinely did not think.

[Kai]

Because imagine how many years she went.

[Drew]

Thinking also for country album. Like, yeah, it isn't. That's T. Chapel like, killed it always. She's that girl, Sabrina. I really, really liked her performance. I think it's so fun to not take yourself as serious. Like, if Gaga smiled a little bit more and wore less makeup.

[India]

Yes.

[Kai]

She'd be way hair up and like sweatpants.

[Drew]

She'd be way harder.

[Kai]

Can any of the pop girls. Can you start just like wearing sweatpants, throwing your hair up in a bun, like, no makeup, don't give a. Yeah, but. Well, we need the pop girls. I know that it feels like we are being banished to the basement for all the fun we had with the pop girls last year, but I need y'all to pick it back up, please, please. Because like, I. You said it perfectly. I think we took for granted like last year for media in general, but music, and specifically pop music from the girls. It was such a good year. And a lot of these are the type of to be like, I'm taking a two year break because, like, I care. And like, yes, I actually really appreciate that you guys care about, like, your mental health, your mental health, both. But I'm like, I'm like, exactly.

[Drew]

We're waiting.

[Kai]

What the am I gonna listen to?

[Drew]

Like, why has Rihanna not released an album?

[Kai]

I honestly, I can't lie. I wanted to say that way because I kind of love an artist ending on such a high.

[Drew]

Wait, you know what's actually interesting is Rihanna took a page out of my book not releasing an album and constantly teasing it all the time. Yeah, she jacked my swag. Low key.

[Kai]

Hey, guys, we want to take a break for one of today's sponsors. Quick. Oh, my God, bruh. Honestly, I genuinely don't know what more I can say about this damn ass toothbrush because I genuinely love it. I have to replace my head because I chew on it because something's wrong with me, but it genuinely is the most clean my teeth have ever felt in my life. And I know that is true. And I'm not just saying it to say it, because since I have to replace my head, my dumbass didn't sign up for the renewal of, like the heads to just have them shipped in the mail. And I have been using a regular toothbrush and I'm not kidding, I don't think I've brushed my teeth properly in like three days.

[Drew]

So no head. If you don't absolutely love your quip360, you can return it for free within 30 days.

[Kai]

Just for listeners of Emergency Intercom, get 20% off site wide and a free travel case and counterstop stand at getquipq u I p.com intercom free your mouth today and save 20 site wide plus a free travel case and countertop stand at getquip q u I p.com intercom getquip q-u I p.com intercom I'm such a good reader. Thank you, guys.

[Drew]

Also, the Lady Gaga, Bruno Bruno Mars.

[Kai]

Song it was about world was ending.

[Drew]

I'd wanna be next to Drew. Wait. Also me singing Bags by Claro going absolutely viral everywhere.

[India]

That was what you were saying. I couldn't even tell. I couldn't even tell what this was.

[Drew]

You ugly.

[India]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

You ugly.

[Kai]

No. Kai looks good today.

[Drew]

No, you do.

[Kai]

I think you look good in navy. You're like this zip up. I mean, you are quite literally just copying my vibe genuinely from head to toe. You're. You want to be the same jeans a zip up.

[India]

Well, yeah. It's because I'm obsessed with you guys.

[Kai]

Sis. We've been in. My passport literally says I'm from we.

[Drew]

Been new says we been uses.

[Kai]

Was that like a joke on Twitter?

[Drew]

Why you made we been use this up? It was. It was we been new sis. And then you like made said like I'm from webanoosis or some like that. And like, it like became culturally. It wasn't a thing until you said we banous.

[Kai]

There's no way.

[Drew]

I swear to God. Because I remember.

[Kai]

It's just too easy. Because remember when that was flooding comments like, okay, like, what am I gonna look at? We been uses.

[Drew]

Like noted. I overdosed on we been uses.

[Kai]

I can't wait to smoke a wee bit after this.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. It's gonna hit so fast.

[Kai]

Well, I think what would really bring us together right now is another step up movie. We need.

[Drew]

We are high.

[Kai]

It is high time also a scary movie for a step. We've had like 8 million.

[Drew]

No.

[Kai]

Talk to the hand.

[Drew]

No, no, I mean parody.

[Kai]

Oh. Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

Like, I want to write a parody movie.

[India]

We saw that one scary movie together. Queer. That was scary. That was scary.

[Drew]

Why was it Scary for you, guy? No, it was a horror movie.

[Kai]

You know what?

[Drew]

It was a horror movie for me.

[Kai]

You know what? It is scary to go and see yourself for the first time.

[Drew]

I was gonna say it was a really, really scary movie for me. I'm not kidding. Like, I really walked out of there, and it made me think a lot of really scary thoughts. How I am an evil person and I'm gonna be alone forever because I've been both sides, and I have a lot of bad karma.

[Kai]

I see clowns.

[Drew]

Wait, can you. From both sides.

[Kai]

Both sides.

[Drew]

Can you come fix this?

[Kai]

Thank you. That was me singing, Mitchell. And if you guys were wondering what I've been. I think on the side, I've been thinking. I think I want to make some videos where I kind of just like, talk to the camera and get a bit more personal. But I'm having a hard time doing it because I just feel like that's that where it's a bit embarrassing to get on camera and just talk to a camera, but maybe that's, like, not the way I should be viewing it.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Kai]

We.

[Drew]

We just wrapped it, but you haven't seen the movie, so it won't make sense. Sense to you, but it'll. It'll hit.

[Kai]

But I said, at least she has taste in something because the belt is good.

[Drew]

Wait, can you say it one more time?

[Kai]

I said, Kai's belt was nice. And then he said it's his ex girlfriends. And I said, at least she's got taste in something.

[Drew]

Wait, one more time.

[Kai]

It was a joke. Like, ex girlfriend is really hot. And she. We could cut that out. We could go.

[India]

We can leave it in. I think that's cool.

[Drew]

I mean, she is a baddie.

[Kai]

I know. She is.

[Drew]

She's like. She's girl trade.

[Kai]

No, she is. She's literally like.

[Drew]

No, it's so up. Kai pulls the baddest.

[Kai]

Actually, all of our friends have girlfriends who, if left in a room alone with me, I would be really awkward. I would just be really scared. Like, I actually. I wouldn't do anything, but I'd be.

[Drew]

Like, what if we did do something?

[Kai]

Oh, I was dude, my girlfriend about something the other night. That's, like, really freaky.

[India]

What did you.

[Kai]

Sorry.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's, like, over. It was so freaky. I would finish that.

[Kai]

No, I can't say it.

[India]

What did you say, though? You said something weird.

[Drew]

I said, my girlfriend is so slutty.

[Kai]

Just for you, babe. True. Should we get to media?

[India]

Yeah. Well, I just want to say about. Look, the movie I know. It wasn't a horror movie. I'm not homophobic. It was a scary experience for me because me, Drew was like, we're sitting together.

[Drew]

Kai. Kai invited me to go see Queer.

[India]

No.

[Drew]

Alone. Me and him.

[India]

No, he tricked me. He was like, we're gonna go see a cool, straight movie. We're gonna see Wolf of Wall Street. It's back in theaters. We walk into that shit.

[Drew]

It's.

[India]

It's a movie called Queer. And I'm freaking out. I'm sweating.

[Drew]

We're inching. I'm inching way, really, really close.

[India]

And then he's like, oh, by the way, you can have as much popcorn as you want. I did, but he puts it on his dick. And so every time I had to grab it, and then he would wink at me. It was weird.

[Drew]

Well, you kept getting close.

[Kai]

The thing is, that's the way y'all, like, play or joke with each other, so I really can't. I can imagine, like, all of that.

[Drew]

No, that's literally like, we were doing all of that as a. A bit. But no, Kai inviting me to go see Queer is crazy.

[India]

First of all, I love Luke.

[Drew]

No, it was okay. My take on the movie was right. No, it was awesome. It was a good vibe. And, like, I do think it is really good for gay men to go see because it is really eye opening in a lot of ways, specifically younger gay men. Also, it's really good for older gay men to see. To be like, oh, this experience that I'm experiencing is, like, universal because it's not talked about in the gay community at all. But just don't be a period. That's it.

[Kai]

I need to see it really bad. I'm, like, late on the movies. I literally. I was the last human on the planet Xenos for all too.

[Drew]

That was empty as Kai clocked its tea. So bad, though, like, in a good way. He was like, it's what?

[India]

Beau's Afraid?

[Drew]

Yeah. Yeah. What'd you say?

[India]

It was like, the gay version of Beau's Afraid.

[Drew]

Like, the good version. You said it's the good version of Bo's Afraid.

[India]

The good version.

[Drew]

Yeah. But also the gay version.

[India]

I liked it a lot more than Beau's Afraid, but it feel. It feels like a similar type of movie.

[Kai]

I need to watch it.

[Drew]

It was really, really weird for him.

[Kai]

To do, like, random.

[Drew]

Yeah. Like, for Luca to, like, put out. Speaking of Luca, actually, I don't even know if I can talk about it.

[Kai]

The trade. The, like, Lakers trade.

[Drew]

Y'all. Y'all the worst. The worst. I genuinely think that ruined my life. It, like, literally ruined my life. And I contemplated suicide. I've never cried in my life before. And I cried over the Luca trade.

[Kai]

He was supposed to have a cried in your life?

[Drew]

Yeah. He was supposed to be a maverick for the rest of my goddamn life. And because I'm planning on dying at 35. He was supposed to be at the Mavericks.

[Kai]

Well, he was playing basketball.

[Drew]

Yeah. He didn't want to leave. He didn't. He loved the Mavericks. He thought he was gonna die a maverick. He was Dirk 2.0. And they traded him. They stabbed him in the goddamn back because, oh, he's gained a little weight. Suck my dick and balls.

[Kai]

Is that what it was?

[Drew]

Yeah. Yeah. That's their reason is like. Like, the real reason is I don't think they wanted to sign him to the supermax contract, which is if you stay with the team that drafted you, like the franchise that drafted you for a certain amount of years, you're eligible for a supermax if you're good enough. And he's a top three player in the league. Oh, my God, it literally upsets me so bad. Which means he would have been eligible next year for a $365 million contract, which is the biggest in NBA history. And their quote, unquote, concerns were that he. His conditioning was like, like, not up to par. But I did find out that they said he had a wrist injury to the public, but in reality, he had 11 days to lose weight, and he didn't lose weight. So then they were like, girl, you. We're trading you. But he took him to the Finals last year. They were building an amazing team. They were going to go to the finals once he was healthy, and they traded him away. He just bought a house in Dallas 12 days ago. They really. It really is a business. And if Luca's not safe, no one's safe. And free throw merchants Shea, Gilgis, Alexander better watch the out.

[Kai]

That didn't sound like a real sentence.

[Drew]

I'm. I'm a full time.

[Kai]

Like, to me, that sounded like so skills.

[India]

That sounded like emojis.

[Drew]

Yeah, literally. I'm a full time spurs fan now. I used to split my time between the spurs and the Mavericks. And I was really a Mavericks fan, like, because I grew up with Dirk, and all of my passwords to everything were Nowitzki 45. Love Dirk. They were about to become Don Shakes, 77. But they traded him away. And now, really, what I hope happens is a meteor strikes the arena and kills everybody. Inside because they backstabbed my friend Luca. We're really close.

[Kai]

You don't know him.

[Drew]

Yes, we do.

[Kai]

You don't know him. You're always saying, we have a game tonight. We have. T is never like.

[Drew]

No, t is. He is. He lives in LA now, and he's fine.

[Kai]

So you think you're gonna pull him?

[Drew]

I could pull him. I really could. I think he's low key. Gay as not actually, but there is. There's a bunch of gay NBA players.

[Kai]

I mean. Yeah, well.

[Drew]

Yeah, well, yes, I know of a few, and I've actually talked to1 on FaceTime before I scared the out of her walking by. But no, I really have talked to a very, very, very, very, very, very, very famous. Like one of the goats on FaceTime with my buddy Drew. It was two Drew's on FaceTime. And I have a screenshot of it because I was, like, so gagged by it. Because I was like, yeah, I guess.

[Kai]

I never realized what a big deal that was for you. But, like, I just. Basketball, like sports, to me, it genuinely doesn't exist. That's something that doesn't exist until I see it. Like, if no one ever mentioned a sport to me ever again, other than maybe, like, soccer. Because I see a ball, I'm kicking it.

[Drew]

It's called football.

[Kai]

I see a ball on the floor.

[Drew]

And I'm kicking it, it's called football. Babe.

[Kai]

Get into your media right the now.

[Drew]

I'm not done talking about Luca.

[Kai]

Is your heart beating?

[Drew]

No, my stomach is actually.

[Kai]

Your heart is beating. That was a trick question.

[Drew]

That was good.

[Kai]

This lighting looks awful.

[Drew]

Yeah, it's really, really scary. But, Luca, my glorious king. I'm sorry. They did you like that? Just know that I'm here for you. I'm happy that you're in a large market team. Oh, my God. I didn't even get into the worst part. His contract. $364 million. He got traded. He's not eligible for the supermax anymore. Now the largest contract he can get is 229 million. So he lost $100 million on that trade, which is like, okay, he's still making $229 million. It's not that big of a deal, but if you.

[Kai]

Yeah, but I guess if you've been anticipating it and, like, staying with the team, obviously, because you, like, love the team, but also because you've dedicated your time there. You, like, want that.

[Drew]

Exactly.

[Kai]

Also, like, especially if somebody told me I was gonna get that. Don't play with me. Like, literally, your stomach Is about.

[Drew]

It's working.

[India]

You angry?

[Drew]

I am.

[India]

I bet.

[Drew]

Thank you. And he also has to pay 15 state income tax. Oh, my God, I just feel so bad for him. And I hate the Mavericks and I hope they all die. And I hope Anthony Davis, who's made out of literally pulled pork because he like breaks a ligament every two seconds. They're all geriatric. They're literally all old as. They're old bags. The Mavericks, they're all.

[Kai]

Don't say that about Frida Kahlo, bro.

[Drew]

Like, wait, what?

[Kai]

You said Anthony Davis?

[Drew]

Oh, eyebrows.

[Kai]

Yeah, I literally. I only know who Anthony Davis is because of that screenshot from like, I think two people on Omegle or like Twitch and this girl had a picture of Frida Kahlo in the back or like vice versa. But one of them was like, oh, that's free to call. Or that's Anthony Davis. I think the guy was like, anthony Davis is behind you. And she was like, what? That's Frida Kylo.

[Drew]

One of the first gifts I've ever seen was Anthony Davis and his unibrow breaking off his head, turning into an eagle and flying away. Because he did have people made fun.

[Kai]

Of it so bad. A unibrow is chic.

[Drew]

It's showy.

[Kai]

Yeah. Unibrow is c. Also, he don't get it twisted. I love you, Frida. That's me. To Anthony.

[Drew]

Also don't get it twisted. I love Anthony Davis and his run in college. He was probably the greatest college freshman of all time. But he is going to die. Dude.

[Kai]

Viewership has knocked off race. This is insane.

[Drew]

I'll shut up. I'll shut up. But I do know.

[Kai]

See how nice I was, guys? I'm a really nice friend. I just let that happen.

[Drew]

That was for the three gay men that actually listen to basketball.

[India]

Not even straight.

[Drew]

Yeah, they're all gay.

[Kai]

Cuz there's. I don't know if straight men make it this far into an episode. Does that make sense? Like, I feel like they kind of watch so that they can tell the pretty girl or guy they're talking to or I guess they wouldn't be straight. The guys in Bush, I can't really imagine. I just can't imagine a straight guy watching that. Like, I really. I can't picture him just like there.

[Drew]

Are straight guys that watch it.

[Kai]

What are you doing? Eating.

[Drew]

Oh, well, you couldn't imagine it. One of the hosts is a straight guy. Not Kai.

[India]

I'm not a host.

[Kai]

Yeah, I was gonna say.

[India]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Can I step on your Toes.

[Drew]

Period. Yes. Wait, why am I so lightheaded? I think it's because I just talked for 40.

[India]

I like, stemmed out mansplain for 14 minutes.

[Drew]

I know. Literally, I like, really lost consciousness, y'all. People want to say, I don't know, ball. Actually, no one's ever said that. And the fact that I know a little bit of basketball blows everyone's mind every single time I talk about it.

[Kai]

Because people are homophobic.

[Drew]

I know. Literally. It's literally trade. Hello, Queen. I'm trade. Oh, boyfriend, I'm nervous. What? Say hydrated. Hi, Hydrated. You don't know that video.

[Kai]

I don't.

[Drew]

It's Addison saying someone's like, oh, you're staying hydrated. And she's like, hi. He's like, what? She's like, hydrated. Literally one of the greatest videos of all time.

[Kai]

I can't be real.

[Drew]

Boyfriend, I'm nervous. What is that? Also Addison Rae. Are you kidding me?

[Kai]

I didn't know that.

[Drew]

One to ten. How attractive am I?

[Kai]

Boyfriend, I'm nervous.

[Drew]

Then she, she, she's really my go.

[Kai]

I want to see the hydrated. No, she is like, top 10. Like, also, she needs a super max contract.

[Drew]

No, she's. She's going to go on a generational run this year unlike anything we've ever seen. When she drops her goddamn album, it's going to change lives. Specifically hers. She's going to be taken seriously, more seriously as an artist. Like, like, I really do think she's about to, like, like, really, really, really tap, tap in in a very big way. Because she's like a, she's a student of pop. Like, she, she also got that one fucking producer and writer that wrote all of Britney Spears's hits to write on her. So she automatically already has four, like, smash hits on her album.

[Kai]

Can I feature on a song piece?

[Drew]

Yeah, Addison, can we feature? And actually, I will literally just whistle. Actually, I'm supposed to be whistling on Claro's album. I'll clap on your album. Them. Did I not tell you about that? Or Clara wants me to listen.

[Kai]

There's no way. I'm sure she actually saw you singing her song. And check because I, I, I saw she blocked you. I saw she like you guys.

[Drew]

No, actually, if you go to one of your posts. Wait, who the was that? My man.

[Kai]

Okay, well, my media of the week.

[India]

Oh, Travis is Travis Scott.

[Kai]

Honestly, just wait. What's the album by Steve Lacy? Gemini or Gemini. Right. Gemini's Rise. I don't know what it is.

[India]

Oh, no. Stay hydrated.

[Drew]

Hi.

[Kai]

Hydrated.

[Drew]

I love, love her, bro.

[Kai]

You know what it is? She, like, her and your mom have such a similar, like, very specific to, like, Southern women. Sweetness.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Like, it's. It's that same kind of like. Just kind of like, huh. What? But is actually smart.

[Drew]

Yeah. She's. She's so sick. She's about to change lives.

[Kai]

I guess that's like my mom, too. My mom's a little ditzy. I love my mom.

[Drew]

I'm very bullish. I'm very bullish on Addison Rae. Boyfriend. Okay.

[Kai]

My media of the week is Sunday Best by Bobby Gentry. Is that how you say that? I don't fucking know. And honestly, Gemini writes by Steve Lacy. I've been listening to that album again, and, like, I actually can't believe that that album came out almost three years ago, because in my head, that album still came out last year.

[Drew]

Well, my. No, I won't. That's embarrassing my media. You're gonna be pissed, but out of touch. Daryl hall and John Oates.

[Kai]

Oh. Club Tropicana by Wham. That's one of mine.

[Drew]

I was listening to something in the car that was so goated, but I can't remember what it was. I listened to it over and over again in I can't Remember, but Drew Scop. Lest we forget, tapeworms are nature's ozempic.

[Kai]

I mean, yeah, I remember I met a kid in fifth grade who had a tapeworm, and I was so terrified. We, like. It was one of the friends whose house we went over to, and I obviously didn't know how tapeworms worked, but he, like, the mom was talking about it to my mom, and I heard that, and I was like, holy. And I became hyper fixated on tapeworms for the next, like, five months. Every time I got to a computer with Google working, I would look up tape tapeworms and see what they look like. And I would look in my poop because I thought that kid gave me a tape wash.

[Drew]

I. I used to want to take. Wait, RFK literally does have tapeworms.

[Kai]

I want RFK to burn in a fire.

[Drew]

The Sadukar chant from Dune. The worms in his brain chanting for him to lower the cooked meat temperature so tapeworms can form and everyone annihilate the human race.

[Kai]

Oh, my God, guys, no, no.

[Drew]

Okay, wait. Let me find my psyops real quick. I had a nightmare. Young Ma was twerking. Is it gay for a man to wear a big T shirt to bed with no draws on?

[Kai]

Yes. Yes.

[Drew]

Ew.

[Kai]

I do not want your penis to peek out from under your shirt.

[Drew]

I know.

[Kai]

Ew. My God, bro. Like, such an animatonic failure.

[Drew]

Animatonic.

[Kai]

Yes. Yes.

[Drew]

Right?

[India]

That's a universally bad look. Like a guy with a long shirt and no pants on. That's a bad, bad look. No one's pulling that off. Except maybe Drew. Drew could pull that off.

[Kai]

No, he could not.

[Drew]

I could easily. What? I literally could.

[Kai]

You would need the longest shirt in the world because your penis is so long.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah. I forget about that.

[Kai]

You need a moomoo.

[India]

You wearing the moomoo to Coachella. That is one of my favorite videos of you, like.

[Drew]

Like.

[India]

Like dipping down with the purse.

[Drew]

Oh, dude, it's so gross.

[Kai]

That is such a dense beard.

[Drew]

I know. It's so crazy. Let's read this one.

[Kai]

You sounded, like, not into that memory at all. That is so crazy.

[Drew]

Y'all need to start sending me more psyops. Like, damn. Like, holy. I'm strong.

[Kai]

Mad at me for rushing him. And he's putting the anchor on y'all. Y'all really are our kids.

[India]

We also get, like, 300 a day.

[Kai]

I know.

[Drew]

He's like, y'all need to wait in the. Which email?

[India]

The official one.

[Drew]

I don't ever. I don't have access to that email. They just sent them to my business email.

[Kai]

No, dude, that email is ran through with them.

[Drew]

I've literally never known that.

[India]

That email is, like, completely overtaken by psyops submission, bro.

[Kai]

There's definitely some out there who's like, bro, the code is you send it to. True was personal.

[Drew]

Yeah, I just leaked that. Okay, whatever. You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. Suck my dick. Wait.

[Kai]

Bye. Yeah.