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A
This is an iHeart podcast. Guaranteed Human.
B
Guys, today we're going to be talking about our polycule.
A
So many things have gone down in the polycule. We call it Or. What was that show we were starting? The. Or the family Polycule.
B
Yeah.
A
Was it just called the Polycule?
B
I think it was called Polyamor. I don't. Fuck him. Jam Stamos. Wait, John Stamos?
A
What the fuck are you on about?
C
Jammo Stamos? Is that what you first said?
B
Wait is so much wait. But before we get into it, so much has gone down into our polycule. We are fighting internally, and I think we just need to, like, talk it out publicly.
A
I know. I do think the discussion, because we've brought you guys along for so much.
B
Of our life, and it's up that you're laughing.
A
I. I laugh when I'm nervous. Famously. I actually do laugh when I'm nervous. And it's not. It isn't, like, necessarily a nervous tick as much as it is anytime I've been in some deep. Huh.
B
Is that why you laugh when we kiss?
A
Yeah. Because I'm so nervous. No, but it. Literally, everything is funny to me, actually. And it's not good. Like, when my mom died. Oh, my God. My sister wanted to beat my ass. Because the second it happened, I was like, oh, the jokes.
B
The guy laughing at your mom dying.
C
No, I wasn't laughing. I was laughing at you.
A
And the anniversary is coming up, so you're up. You're up.
C
I'm not laughing.
A
You're smiling.
C
I can see. Like, empathetic.
A
I can see maybe the most of your teeth I've ever seen. That's how happy you look.
C
Nope, I'm not laughing. Okay.
B
Back to the polycule.
C
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Y. We have to fix it.
B
Yes.
C
I feel like the. The fix is if I'm more sexual. Cuz, like.
B
Well, no, no, no. That's the problem. The problem is that you're bringing all these diseases into my polycule. I had to go to Quest Health without an appointment. They don't take appointments. Get my blood tested. I thought I had HIV because of this, because of Kai. Because he's running around. It was a rash. I mean, it was a fungal infection.
A
To be fair, you did say that on New Year's Eve, you kiss not only Kai, but a bunch of other people. So I would argue that it's, like, on both sides.
B
Yeah.
C
Rachel. She has joined the polycule, officially. I want to say something. I don't think it's me. I think it's Enya Because I'm only in three other poly.
A
I'm not in this. I, I.
B
Why do I have rashes? I'm more so like why do I have fung infection?
A
Because we sleep together and you touch me.
B
So you're admitting to giving me the fungal invasion?
A
Well, cuz we have sex. I don't have anything to do with the other players, but yeah, I do. I do tap in with Drew every now and then. A girl gets lonely. I get lonely too.
B
Okay, but back to the poly kill drama you need.
A
I'm kind of obsessed with the fact that we've a bona fide relationships to a degree that there are high school twitch streamers. Who who their like romantics are public knowledge. Like because I interact with streamer like content every now and then my phone tries to trick me into giving a about like little kids. Where are your parents? What was one of your notes? Because I'm actually so curious because before this Drew was like, I think we're gonna hit flow state today. But mind you, I have two notes.
B
Three and I am looking now and I have five.
A
Oh, you held up four fingers.
B
One of them is. Well, I was meeting in the middle. I was cutting the between, right. The videos of YouTubers shipping themselves. Do you remember that era on YouTube? What? There was an era of YouTube where like the big YouTubers would ship themselves like in cardboard boxes, like drop them off at FedEx and they would be inside with like a ring light and a vlog camera. And like I believe our era hours in like Walmart challenge the same era. And there was like I was too grown by my gonna say. I don't think I've ever seen this.
A
So what air like yeah. Is this like 2017?
B
Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Like before that. But I, I was too grown to even for a split second believe it. And for a split second I believed it. And then I saw like clips of like them going around again where it was like, I can't believe I believe this. When I was nine, baby, I couldn't believe it when I was 15, I believed it when I was 15.
A
Well, we were the last of. And every generation is going to say it and I do think it is true because the further we go, we stray further and further from our, from God and whatever was supposed to happen. So I understand the sentiment. Like my dad growing up would always be like, oh my God. When I was your age, like I, I didn't even like think of. I was so naive. I was so Drew's watching Tick tocks while I talk.
B
I'm pulling up.
D
I'm going to fold over, get into.
A
A comfortable position when I say okay, then take the box shut.
B
Okay. Okay.
D
Put the camera down.
A
Let's do it.
B
You didn't say okay.
A
Okay. You did not believe this.
B
This is. This is past my time. Cassie, you ready to go? Yep. All right, here we go. The closing.
A
Why did she have mad space to hold her phone that far? Can we please remake that for this episode?
B
I'm actually so down. I'm so down.
A
No, but then someone's going to, like, dude, with the way everybody learns new words, I'm going to get accused of, like, the way people were mad at Ariana for being in the guitar case. People are gonna be like, oh, it's a box.
B
It's a box.
A
Oh, she would get enough box this.
B
Well, Box theory, Y' all know. Y' all know bean soup theory. Y' all know Benson Boone theory. Have you heard of box theory?
A
No. Enlighten me.
B
So box theory. Well, there's two.
A
You gotta think faster.
B
There's the inappropriate one where it's like, all women have vaginas. That's box theory. I don't believe it. Because not all women show me their vaginas because I'm like, I'm so sexy. They should be throwing themselves at him. So I think most of them are NPCs. The other box theory is shipping yourself. Ah, guys, I'm not quick enough anymore. I lost it.
A
But basically, I think we were the last of, like, purity. Because our access to. Although all of us had. It's always like, oh, I had unlimited access to the Internet. Yeah, I did. But I also, like, didn't really understand the Internet even when I was first using it. And I still don't understand computers in a way that is kind of jarring sometimes.
B
Binary.
A
Excuse me?
C
Do not say slurs during the first 10 minutes of the podcast.
B
No, I'm like, binary.
A
Binary.
B
No, non bidenary. Like, get Biden out of office.
C
They took Drew Spark.
B
Took my spark. Oh, the guys took my spark.
A
But I was looking. Yeah, I was looking through my middle school box and the things I was, like, writing and drawing and doing in, like, middle school freshman year is really magical, like, for real. Just. I also. The fact that I kept all of it, but just sheets on sheets of paper of, like, hashtag doodling tongue. Tongue emoji.
B
It's really beautiful. I'm jealous of that.
A
I'll insert some of it. Cause it's mad funny.
B
It's really cute.
A
But yeah, I don't know if people are doing that. I don't know if there's a 14 year old right now that is drawing. Drawing of Harry Styles because they don't have a printer. And then putting tape over it because it's like, damn, I kind of killed this drawing.
B
I was drawing pictures.
A
That was what I was up to.
B
I was drawing pictures. Christopher Maloney from the Oz. There's this one scene. If you know, you know, I'll tell, I'll explain, I'll explain it. But it's him getting head from another dude. They're in jail and he's getting head from another dude in like the storage, like, library area. And then while he's getting head, he breaks the dude's neck. And it's one of the greatest scenes of all time. But I would draw pictures of Christopher Meloni nude.
A
Dude. Gay or straight men find the oddest things to be the greatest cinematic moments of.
B
No, it's not the greatest cinematic moment of all time. It just caught me at the right time.
A
You were like, I can't believe people get this freaky deaky on the silver screen.
B
Mind you, I was also like, probably 13, 14, but it stuck with me.
A
Yeah.
C
Do you remember when we were in that gay bar? You know the name of it, but we obviously can't say it because we go there basically every week. Three times a week. Three times a week they were playing like gay porn. But do you remember this? And during it was like a bar where they play gay porn on all the.
B
You know why they play gay porn, right?
C
So that people can jack off.
B
No, no, no. It's. It's lit. I'm being dead serious. It's because, like, there's like very few last, like sacred gay spaces anymore because, like, like people just like invade the space. Or like sorority girls pull up or bridesmaids parties pull up and it's like, oh, like gay people. Zoo animals. Da da da da da. But they play gay porn because, like, it's like a deterrent. It's like, oh, like women won't want to come here.
A
Ziplock bag for flies.
B
Yes.
A
Except for straight people.
B
Yeah.
C
Don't women watch gay porn? Isn't that like a thing?
A
I think there is definitely a sub genre of women who engage in it. But I think for the most part, people who are straight and going to a gay bar to like, you said, like, be like, ooh, look at gay people.
B
Like, the gays love me.
A
I don't think they actually want to see that, like, they're the type of people who are like, I love my cousin to death and his husband is amazing, but the thought of them having sex makes me pissed. Like, which is also so weird.
C
Like, I love thinking about guys.
B
What were you saying, though?
C
Oh, the porn that was playing on One of the TVs was like, the story was that one of them. Like, he murdered him.
A
Yeah, it was story driven.
C
It was story driven. It was like, that's amazing. It was like True Detective vibes.
A
It would be the opposite of a deterrent for me because I do have the issue that put something on.
B
Put something on the TV in front of anyone.
A
I'll watch no matter what. I don't give a.
B
She'll stand there itching her itchy. Like watching this. Wait. It was saying, girls have. They don't. Girls.
A
They don't. They don't.
B
Girls have buttholes. Not guys.
A
The cool thing is because this dress is like a tank top dress. Every now and then, a piece. A bead of sweat rolls down my arm because I sweat so much and it's awesome and I'm not going to do anything about it.
C
Okay.
B
How does that make you feel?
C
I feel good about it.
B
And. Yeah. How does that reaction make you feel?
A
I don't know. Why are you holding on to your.
B
Sleeves like he's Ariana.
C
Like, I'm Ariana Grande.
B
He's Ariana Grande. She. That clip of her washing her hands.
A
No, no, no, re. You can hold on to your sleeves. It's endearing. I'm sorry, I need. I actually need to stop doing stuff like that. I need to stop berating people.
C
That's really sweet.
A
Okay. But then when you do all that, it's, like, really tempting to just, like, go back.
B
Well, we. We went to gay bar because there was a DJ playing that I really liked and it was a fucking hoot and holler. Saw a bunch of fans of the podcast there. Yeah, it was a blast. There was one specific. I was like, leaving and there was. I'd, like, run into him a couple times that night. And he was so funny. Didn't get his name, but he was so silly, him and his homie when we were leaving. But I bring this up because remember what told us that story? Like, so we have. We have, like, a chronically single friend. He's, like, actually hot as fudge.
A
I know.
C
He looks perfect.
B
He's. He's. He's literally perfect.
A
So nice.
B
And yeah, he's putting on muscle. Like, in a crazy way. Like, he looked. He's like, fucking big and strong. He's like, fine trade.
C
He's tall, isn't he, like 6:1 or something?
B
He's 6:2.
A
I kind of famously only find gay dudes attractive. One thing I loved about heated rivalry, which I still haven't finished, because if you know me well, you know that I don't finish anything. I start across the board because I never finished Abbott Elementary. It took me forever to finish Girls. I bet.
B
Who does it better?
A
It took me two years to finish Breaking Bad and Sopranos.
B
Like, there was. There was a specific reason with that one, though.
A
But, like, that's a long.
D
But.
B
Chronically single. It does not make sense. And then you hear the reason why, and you're like, oh, gay people are evil. He wants to be monogamous, and it's really, really hard to find a monogamous relationship. And he's looking for something slow, and he's looking for something where they're not banging on the first date. Da da da da da da da da. But we were kind of, like, looking around the bar, and me and Kai were just inquiring, like, we're like, who do you find attractive? I might know them. Da da da. I know dada. But he pointed someone out, and he was like, oh, he would be perfect if he was 4 inches taller. And I was like, 4 inches taller? That's crazy. And then he told us a guy.
A
Tall already, or, like, he was.
B
He was like, five, eleven, six, maybe normal height. Yeah, he was regular height. But he wants to be little spoon.
C
And he was a little bit bloomy.
B
Yeah, yeah. And he wants to be the little spoon. So that's. That's the problem. He's 6 2. And so 1. To find, like, a gay guy that's 6 4, nearly impossible to find an attractive gay guy that's 6 4, really impossible. And then to find a monogamous gay guy in general, impossible.
C
Impossible.
B
Literally impossible. Challenge. But he told us this story where he was like. One time I was out, and, like, I looked across the bar, and I saw the sexiest guy I've ever seen in my life. And he was 6 2. And, like, I was so excited. And it was like one of the first times I, like, went up to someone because I thought they were attractive, and I was so nervous. And I walk closer, and I get closer in. The crowd is starting to thin and thin and thin. And he's like 10ft away, and, like, there's no one standing between them anymore. And he looks down, and this dude's standing on an apple crate. So he was like, he was like 12 inches taller than he actually was. So he turns out to be like 54 and he's looking for someone that's 6 4. Just thought that was really funny.
C
The other one too, where he was like one time a gay guy like slid up on my dms and then the next day he got married.
B
The very next day.
C
Yeah, like within 24 hours. He was married.
B
He was married. And then he told us another story where he was at a gym. I won't say the name. And he was in the steam shower and there was a certain gay celebrity in there that we think. Yes. Actually, no. Yeah, dead serious. Dead serious.
A
Okay.
B
You just have to like in. In the steam shower, he. It was just him and in there. And put out his big toe and then poked him in his arm with his big toe and then never ran quicker. Oh, he also said that his eyes were glowing. They were like. He was freaky and scary and glowing.
A
Those freaky ass contacts on, dude.
C
The eyes appearing in the steam and then a toe appearing.
A
It's like a flak jack scene when they would make the knuckles look literally.
B
Literally. But we like, we were told so many funny gay stories that night.
A
Oh, that's amazing.
B
The other one, I guess.
C
Kind of endearing to hear.
B
Oh yeah, Kai. Kai wrote them all down. Cuz they were. We were crying, laughing. But sorry, go ahead in you.
A
Kai was doing boots on the ground journalism about the dating scene for gay dudes right now.
C
I mean, then he was like, I Wish it was 5am So I could go home.
B
Oh no, I said that.
C
Oh, you said that.
B
Yeah, I was like gay guys saying, I Wish it was 5am So I could go home. Because gay guys can't go home before 5am I wish I had it in.
A
Me to like be outside for real.
B
Like, I know. I don't either.
A
I'm just kind of really been vibing. This is like the first year in my life I've consecutively had a good little routine of like going to sleep at a reasonable hour, getting enough sleep and waking up and having a full day.
B
Also, you've been like socializing the perfect amount, I think too.
A
Yeah, I haven't been overdoing it. Like, I was.
B
Like, you've been up in that art studio just drawing and painting all day long too.
A
I know, but that's a good thing in the shot guy.
C
No, no, my foot's not in the shot.
A
You're obsessed with putting your fucking foot up.
C
Well, I just want to relax I just need to relax.
B
Can a man relax? This is high stress.
C
I feel my most relaxed when I'm around. And are you guys, both of you guys, what were you saying though? What were you saying?
B
So the finger went in a little easier than normal and it was really shocking.
A
That's so funny.
B
I've been seeing a growing trend of teenage girls, like, tweaking out in comment sections of teen moms saying that they want to be teen moms. And it's been one of the scariest things I've witnessed on the Internet. Like, remember the show Teen Moms and how it was like, kind of created as like psychological operation? Like, hey, don't.
A
Yeah, it was like a part of like the dare operation of sorts. Like, that's what it felt like.
B
Yeah, like a lot of those clips are getting reposted onto Tick Tock now. And I see a bunch of. Oh, there's also like several accounts where this, like, where the girls are, I guess also my 15 year old boyfriend got me pregnant at 14 and it's just like, what were you saying?
A
I was gonna say also, I'm so curious because all of those kids from teen mom are like adults now or like entering adulthood.
B
It's. I've just been seeing it in comment sections of like, young girls, like, kind of like wanting to start a family with their boyfriend. And I'm like, oh my God, tradism, it's taking over. Like, it's. It's for real.
A
That's also like the worst. I'd rather my kid do meth. Like, I'd rather my kid come home.
B
And be like, I don't know what's.
A
Happening, but my friend's been giving me this stuff and I'm like, oh my God, we're gonna have to like, this is up much rather that than teen.
B
Pregnancy, teen mom, daughter, or smut. Reading daughter.
A
Smut my literate ass. Daughter it. Daughter it.
B
Girl. That's crazy. We were reading Smut. Were you? Did you get down with it secretly?
A
No, I never was reading anybody.
B
I was reading anybody's.
A
Like, I never read a fan fiction. Like, I never like, tapped in. I think the most like, even sexual book I read was like 50 Shades of Gray. Like, I was like, need to read it.
B
I would secretly read like, smut. What was that website, the orange website? Wattpad. And the only reason I even like went down the rabbit hole even for a second was because people were writing like fan fictions about like you and I or me and Christian or me and Michael or like, and Then it.
A
Was like the vertical videos.
B
You were like, wait, let me, let me tap in. It sucks. Yeah, I need to see where this is. It sucks you in.
A
Yeah. I can't remember. I'm really trying to. Maybe there was one that was really popular about, like, Harry Styles or some, like, early on, but I. I remember distinctly. I always couldn't get down with it because I was like, you can't. And this is literally no hate to like fan fiction because I think it's.
B
I love it.
A
I'm like, fan fiction and romance and like, all that. Yes. But it's kind of how I was saying. I'm a nervous laugher. Not because it's like necessarily a tick, but because it's just too funny. I. I don't have it. Like, I can't take the humor. Like, I can't. I. I don't even read. I really don't read fiction at all because I have, like, a hard time. I'm like, I think the only fiction I've read is like, John Waters has one called, like, Bad Liar or like Liar Mouth or some. I read it, like, book three years ago.
B
I don't hate fiction.
A
Yeah, I want to get down with.
B
It, but, like, I just haven't found the right fiction books. Like, I feel like there's an avenue for me where I could enjoy it, but I just haven't explored it yet.
A
Yeah, same. Oh, Ryan was talking fiction, right? Yeah, it is.
B
Yeah. I like, I like that style where it's like doom and gloom, like, sad, everything's ending and like, my life sucks.
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
B
I can get. I can get down. Get down with that. Miracami. I tried, but, like, girl, I read one, like, short story from him and it was like, so perverted and freaked out and I was like, I don't need this right now. Like, this is like, I. I don't need him, like, spying on a girl in her backyard while she, like, is nude tanning.
A
Like, oh, I guess I have read a freaky ass book of short stories by Anais Nin. That one was all, like, erotic stories and it was mad random, at least. I mean, and that's fiction. That's like. Yeah, so I have, like, read fiction. And then as I was thinking about it, I was like, there's something else I've read recently. Oh, there's a Henry. One of Henry Miller's only fiction books was the first one of his I read. And it was like the Sad Clown at the End of the Ladder or some shit.
B
I've always Wanted to write a book of my sexcapades. Like, I feel like, like, girl, you've heard both of y'.
A
All.
B
I have. I know that we, like, every time I tell them on the podcast, we cut it out because we're like.
A
Because they really are like. Also, that's not, like, a look of disgust from, like, oh, my God. It's like, I, like, think about how old you are and that I'm like, how could they?
B
I know. It's crazy. And I fully. I fully thought. I was like, no. Like, I know what I'm getting into, and I had no idea what I. No idea what I was doing. I was going through a phone. My, like, old, old phone with, like, a bunch of texts with those guys, and, like, I was being psychologically tortured. Like, I know.
A
I remember one time you, like, reading some of that to me, and I was like, I. I really do think about this often. I've had my ups and downs romantically, but I have been so hashtag blessed. Like, even the worst of worst I've gone through in any romantic relationship. Pretty chill.
B
Pretty chill. Pretty, like, pretty tame.
A
Like, you know, it is what it is. Like, but. But I'm sure I. I would love to look back at certain text, but I actually felt any of that.
B
No, you. You have one thing. I'm not gonna bring it up, but you're not thinking about one thing.
A
Yeah, but I also, like, I do have, like, hashtag, I'm like, guys, what are you gonna do? Like, that's just kind of how I know.
B
That's. That's. That's the attitude I've had since then. I'm like, okay, now what, am I gonna let it ruin my life? Yeah, probably. Well, a little bit. Yeah.
A
Nothing can kill my vibe right now.
B
Well, I've been wanting to talk about this for a second now, and I'm finally brave enough to bring it up, but I think whistle tones are bad. I don't think whistle tones sound good. I'm sorry. I know. Hot take, borderline problematic take. But, like, every time I hear do whistle tones, it just makes me laugh. And, like, fine, I'll let, like, Mariah Carey get away with it. And I did hear this woman the other day do whistle tones. And, like, she was. Mariah Carey was, like, watching her sing, and I was like, oh, that's good whistle tones. But for the most part, when I hear an artist try to do whistle tones, I'm like, wrap it up, Damn.
A
Like, yeah, I can't think of. But I don't know if we really have any girls who were up to whistle tones anymore, like, other than Ariana, and she's not, I don't think we're gonna hear that out of her. I'm so curious what her tourism will look like. I need to go. I need to go. Listen, like, I know, like, now all the brands are into it. We get funky, we get fresh. Elf, you get your bus. I go on, I go. I'm like, I love Elf. I love my primer. I get to go see Ariana Grande. Somebody's got to get me in because.
B
Gotta get out the ship. Go so crazy.
A
I need to see her so bad.
B
Do you think she's gonna do Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?
A
I don't know. And I. I also don't even know what I would want to see from her because I just have never seen. That's, like, one of the artists I've.
B
Is she doing stadiums or arenas?
A
I think she's doing stadiums.
B
Or maybe she's doing, like, not doing stadiums, at least in a couple spots.
A
Kai, your laptop is wide open. You could make yourself useful, except you.
C
Just stare at bigger stadiums or arenas.
A
Stadiums.
C
Really?
B
Yeah. Artists do arena tours.
C
Do stadiums or arenas.
B
We were talking about this the other day. Like, there's like, maybe nine artists on this planet that can do a stadium tour. Maybe five even.
A
I. Yeah, yeah.
B
Like, if Gaga wasn't doing stadium tours.
C
She performs in arenas is what Google says.
B
Yeah.
C
Choosing them over stadiums for her Eternal Sunset Sunshine Stuff Tour. Sunshine Tour. Despite huge demand that could fill stadiums due to prioritizing production control, personal comfort, and managing her acting schedule for projects like Wicked, Period.
A
Period. Period. That actually makes a lot.
B
That makes a lot of sense. It's sad because it's going to be one of her last tours. It, like, for a long time. I mean, even album, she was saying, she was like, I don't know if I ever want to make music again. She's, like, having fun acting.
C
She's still dating.
A
Amazing.
B
Yeah.
C
Whoa. Really?
B
They're still. They're still kicking it. Spongebob left a married woman with children in the streets to push her stroller through snow. He's evil. He's the real Wicked. Wait, is it. I. I didn't watch Wicked too. Does. What's her name? Wendy? The. The main. The main witch. The Glenda. Glenda. Wendy's nuts. Does she turn out to be evil, or was she just being manipulated by the evil bad guy?
A
Well, yes and no. It's a bit more complex than you're making it out to seem so I actually can't answer that. Next question.
B
Is her vagina green?
A
Whose?
B
Elphabas.
A
They didn't show us that. But she did get her pussy 8 by glenda. No, I wish. No, that's not. What goes down is Elphaba takes Linda's man.
B
No way.
A
Ironically, unironically.
B
And is Glinda's couder bronson pink?
A
No, it's orange.
B
And they talk about that.
A
Yeah.
B
So she's Donald Trump. No, it looks like Donald Trump's neck.
A
The way you are sitting right now. That's crazy. That's disgusting.
C
Really gross. Very visceral image.
B
I want to go up to Trump's little neck and just like flab it. Just like two fingers.
C
Like, I know. I want to play with it. When is he. When is he going to let us play with it? What's wrong with him?
A
You're so stupid. Wait, I broke something down right before I came in here. That was cracking me up. Did you see that video of the girl having like the panic attack on the plane? No, you didn't? Because you would know. Exactly. Have you seen this guy?
C
No.
B
Oh, my God. Wait, I might have seen it.
D
Here's what I ate on a plane while having a full pan, kicking off with the soy milk. I really enjoy it when they served me this, so I was really happy. And of course, the fruit platters. I almost choked in my cherry because I was scared of the turbulence, as you can see from my face. I usually take medication for any flights because I of anxiety, but I didn't this time, which is a huge mistake. And now it's time for the bread. They heated up nice and hot for me, so I really appreciated that. Dip it in some vegan butter and yum. It's the most plain bread ever. But I like it. And guys, look what I got for lunch. This nasi lemak. I've been hoping and praying for this for like, you can see it's shaking. I'm scared. I'm holding on to the side. My pinky's up. That means I'm really scared. And then the captain announced that we're gonna go through some turbulence. So everyone buckle up. And I was really shitting myself. Okay, I'm so sorry for the scream.
B
Wait, who's. Who's on? Oh, no, see, I. I'm with her.
D
Basically, it felt like the plane dip and I screamed.
B
I can't. I would never scream like that. I would literally rather be thrown out of the window than scream on an airplane. But Like, I've been there. Like when we were watching plane crash compilations for that, like, air that era. Like, I was so scared of flying. Like, I would literally have like, many anxiety attacks like that every single time I flew, but that's ridiculous. And also her just casually making a video after and doing a voiceover of her screaming.
C
Also having a panic attack in business class.
A
No, I'm like, no, the whole thing. I don't care. I don't care. Because yeah, remember I literally. I would write these insane. Because we. We were in the same boat there. I fully. My OCD had clung on to, like, planes in general and plane failures. Thank God this all happened before, like, how bad, like, travel actually got. But remember when I texted you the password for my laptop because I had left it at home and I was like, just in case. And like, I literally once, girl, if.
B
You go through my notes, apparently you can.
A
There's so many, like, right? To the people I love.
B
Yes, literally. And I have, like, ones for.
A
If you're finding this.
B
I have ones for each person when it gets like, really down. And I have my, like, synced across all my, My.
A
Yeah. Now that I'm on my Prozac, I couldn't give a. When the plane shakes, I'm like, okay. Oh, am I gonna do, like, exactly how I feel?
C
I had this recently.
A
Am I gonna do.
C
I was like, my meds are so locked in that we. We had really bad turbulence coming back from Mexico, like to the point where it just felt like it was dropping at different times. And I was like.
A
And it made your ussy feel good, huh?
B
Yeah, I love that feeling.
C
I didn't give a fuck at all. I didn't care.
A
That's amazing.
C
I know. And it felt. It felt amazing too.
A
Yeah. I haven't felt that since I was like a teenager other than, like, now I feel it again. But as a teenager, I remember going to Playlist live. The flights from Miami were always on the tiniest plane ever because it's a 40 minute flight. So the flights were so bad with turbulence. Oh, my God. And I was such a little punk ass, annoying piece of shit teenager because I was like 17, 16, on a flight with usually just old ass who are definitely visiting their family in Miami because it's a random, like Friday night or something or vice versa. And we would be on that flight and it would be shaking and I would be cracking the up, like literally looking at people like, and screaming, laughing. Because I. I do understand because, like, I have had verbal reactions, but that scream. I oh, my God.
B
She's. She's going a little overboard.
A
I would have reached over and she would have just like seen like this.
B
Like, who was that man grabbing her?
A
That's her man.
B
Oh, that's her.
A
I'm kidding. I don't know. That's what.
B
I'm a flight attendant, like, holding her down.
A
Shut up. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's amazing. Screaming like that is unbelievable. And I think, I guess I'm saying that as if I didn't like, get on a plane and like, sing a bunch or what Have I done everything? I've done everything. I guess I like, I. I'm a menace to public. But screaming, there's certain octaves you shouldn't hit. Especially like in a plane.
C
Like, did I talk about my man hating moment that I had on a plane? Did I talk about that? And I'm serious. No, I swear to God. I was flying, I think it was from New York to la. And I sat down and this guy was in the. I was in the window seat, this guy was in the middle and there was another guy at the aisle seat. And I was like, I told the guy to the left of me who was like snoring the entire time with his mouth open. Me, me, I like, I was like, hey, I have to go to the bathroom. And then he looked at me, he was like, okay. And then he closed his eyes again and I was like, excuse me, like, I have to go. Because I, I was like, maybe you didn't hear me. I said, okay, go. And then he closed his eyes and then he made me, like, I had to, like, climb over him.
B
Oh, I would have made sure my balls stink extra bad and rub them over him.
C
And at one point I was grabbing, like, both sides of the seat, like, on either side. I was styling. He made me bounce on it for a second.
B
Damn. And it was turbulence.
C
Yeah. And then I had to climb over him on the way back.
B
And when people are mean like that to me, I unironically kick the. Out of their bags and trip into them. And like, I, I make my presence scene. I'm like, you can stand up big.
A
I make it known verbally and in every which way. If someone gives me a problem, I don't give a. You're going to hear out of my mouth. Exact. And. But this was even before meds. Thankfully. The. My meds have actually made me. I think I'm better at the way I react, but I will always. That's good be a. Because when you came back, did he get up or did you?
C
No, he didn't get.
A
You climbed over him twice.
C
I had to bounce on it twice. And honestly I was like, I think that that's not a good way to live. But there's something about that that I am jealous of just being like, no, you're going to climb over me and I'm not doing what you say. I thought that was kind of cool. Also, the same flight, someone behind me was playing solitaire on the screen and they were like, they were tapping it for hours, like hitting it really hard. And I didn't say anything.
B
My last flight, I had like a toddler behind me that was kicking the fell the out of my chair the entire flight. Like I would be like snoring asleep and then a kid would just like kick me awake. And I didn't say anything because I'm like, those parents are already so stressed because they have a screaming child with them and I feel bad for them. Sorry.
A
I mean, I wouldn't say anything in that situation. I. I was. As you said that the poking thing, I just remembered, I think the last like back and forth I got to on a plane physically was I forgot where I was coming back from. I know I was flying back with Tyrell. I'm pretty sure I was on a flight with Tyrell, but I had an aisle seat and then Tyrell was like in like it was one of those huge planes. And I will admit I don't give a. If I'm in the middle seat or whatever, I won't get in someone else's face. But I fully do sleep like this. Like I will wrap myself up like this and knock out. And then like at some point I'll like maybe put my legs out so I'll. I'll knock into the t. The chair in front of me could do that too. But if, if like.
B
But you can't. They can't feel it.
A
Yeah, no, I'm very gentle. I think about it. But all that being said, there was. It was a really long flight. It's when we were leaving Paris. So it was like an 11 hour flight. Everyone's like crammed in this plane. We're all on the same boat. This little flight. Annoying ass piece of. With a broken ankle. First of all, you, because it was him and his girl in front of me. I don't give a if your ankle is broken because guess what, baby, you're in Paris. You still made it out here. Why was his girlfriend having to lug all of their carry ons and put it up there? He literally hobbled down and sat down and just like, looked at his phone, like, and like, barely acknowledged her. And that already made me mad. But mind you, I didn't have an interaction with this man yet. So nearing the end of the flight, like, I'm waking up and I like, I, I go to get up and I like, knock into his chair twice. And he shoots back at me and really rudely was like, hey, stop knocking into my chair. Like, he, like, raised his voice at me and I just woken up. I was like, you. And I like, literally said that. And he turned around, didn't say a thing back. And then I watched him whisper to his girl, yeah, she's gonna carry your bags for you. She's not gonna step to me because that's exactly what she's been thinking for the past 11 hours, you piece of ho. And that was definitely a moment where I'm like, was I wrong? Yes. But if he approaches differently, I would have been like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I just woke up. I was, blah, blah, blah. So sorry. So sorry. You'll be rude to me. No, you're not. And I don't give a if I get my ass beat. Actually, I'll take it because that's the craziest thing. I think people have this, like, idea that I'm under, like, the delusion I talk a lot of, but I. It's because I literally, I've had my ass beat more than once. And I don't give a. Because guess what? I don't believe in band aids. And wounds heal really fast when you don't believe in band aids.
C
How interesting.
B
Take me to church. I worship like a dog. And yeah, I'm really trying to think.
A
Of, like, I think last time I was in there. Yeah, I. But I. I am my worst self in the air.
B
This.
A
I'm like, the angriest person ever because everyone is so, like.
B
Especially in Europe. This guy. What guy?
C
Oh, the guy who is in the aisle seat. The reason why I say it's a man hating moment, because I was like, obviously the guy next to me was being a dick, but there was another guy. And every 7 to 10 seconds he would sniffle like, he would like, sniff snot back up into his nose for like five hours straight. And I was just like, dude, you have to blow your nose. Like, this is insane. This is how a baby acts. And he was like, 38 probably.
A
I know. Get up, go to the bathroom, blow your nose like a grown adult, wash your hands, go back and sit down the end. But yeah, a lot of people don't partake in life like that. I mean, it's even when you go on a plane. I understand turbulence, but I'm like, there's piss everywhere. Why is there piss everywhere? I don't. I, I actually don't understand how there's literally men. I, I don't. Oh, I, I know. Because even girls, even if you're not putting paper down, like, worse. It's not that big of a place. Like, I don't understand. You can't just like, use one hand to hold yourself for stability.
B
You no trust. It's even like that just in like regular men's bathrooms, like, without turbulence or plane movement. It's like men just like, they're on their phones.
C
Everyone's like on tick tock. And then they're peeing next to the urinal. They're not even peeing into the urinal.
B
Or like half the time, like, they're standing close enough to the urinal. And when their stream is finishing, their prostate isn't strong enough to jut the rest out. So it just dribbles out onto the floor beneath it. And when you have 300 dudes per day doing that, it kind of creates like a little puddle and it gets sticky.
C
Creates a hard yellow disc.
B
Yeah.
C
On the ground.
A
There's nothing that makes me more upset than like a gender neutral bathroom. But there's a urinal in there.
B
Yeah. Sitting. I. I actually feel the same way.
A
I think that is the most up thing you could do to me. I'm going to the I if you know, I love a bathroom. I. And I, I am always so curious about a bathroom. So I'll always go to a bathroom also just because, like, my OCD has me with like a hand washing tick after I eat. And that's just never gonna go away because now I like, need to do that. When I go into a bathroom and there's a urinal, I'm not kidding the amount I will verbally, like, be like, somewhere like John and Vinnie's. I always mix up which one has the urinal in it and I will very loudly open it, be like, and like close the door and go and wait for the.
B
I'm like, I'm not not doing guys. I saw one of. I experienced one of the craziest things I've ever experienced at lax. Like, like the last. One of the last times I was.
A
Traveling crazier than like the Texas. Oh, I guess lax, it's different.
B
Airports not crazier than the Airports. Have I ever talked about that or did we cut it?
A
You did.
B
I walked in someone getting head through the toilet paper dispenser at DFW and his whole ass was out. Pants around his ankles. I saw lips on the other side.
C
Was it. Was it like a random hookup?
B
Yeah, it was like sniffing. How do you.
C
How do you sniffy? Not like you would know. I'm just asking generally, how do you. What's the procedure like to know if someone's down?
B
You tap your foot really? But that they probably messaged before on an app.
C
Okay.
B
And then in the sauna.
C
Oh, they maybe. Oh, there's like a social media component. I never thought about that.
B
Yeah, okay. But dude, so I was in like that LAX terminal that sucks. Where there's like three toilets for 3, 000 people per second. And it's just horrible. There's lines in both the women's and the men's bathrooms. And I decided, I was like, oh, I'm gonna outsmart these fools. I'm gonna go downstairs to the stalls, downstairs. Because I needed to hit my vape and I'm not doing that in public. I will be hitting it in a stall and I don't give a. Like, yes, I will be hitting my vape in a bathroom before my flight. I don't care.
A
Sorry, it's this or on the plane.
B
Yeah, which. Which would you rather? I'm going to hit it in the stall every single time. But I was waiting for a stall and I opened the last door cuz no one was in it. And I saw the most disgusting pile of like toilet paper piss come. Like all of it. Just like nasty, nasty. And I felt so bad and I audibly gasped. I was like, oh my go. Like it was rancid. And then I went and then I left because like people were in there.
A
So like, literally. Wow. I said, oh my God, you're green. That's like a line from. Okay, just keep watching.
B
I didn't see Wicked, but I leave that bathroom because I was like, oh, the like line for the stalls are so long. Like people are in there, in there, in there for real. So I leave and then I come back and I notice that the last stall is locked again. Because I thought maybe the one with.
A
All the sticky goo in it.
B
Yeah.
A
And I was like, oh, maybe in there by Joy.
B
Yes. And I was like, maybe, maybe they cleaned it. I'll give this guy the benefit of doubt. He walks out and he was like, dude, like I had to go so bad. And like I knew it was flooded and I just, I had to go and I look in and I see his new pile of on the top. And I was like, you are a monster. You like, I had to clean toilets like that. Y' all have no idea how diabolical and evil that is is to do to a poor janitor. You're rancid. You're scum of the earth. I don't give a. If you had the. And you were sweating and you could your pants.
A
I. I was gonna say it'd be actually 10 times more efficient to just in your underwear and throw it in the garbage and go and get some. I love LA sweats. Yeah, keep it pushing. You're crazy. They're real humans who work here, but it's because the same hoes who use Chad gbt like, but I think that just happens. They're like, bro, the answers are I.
B
I don't see like, I have. My body has this very like interesting like reaction to seeing other human. Like, it, like, it's like it makes me feel really weird and like I don't often see other human. So seeing that and then being able to put the face to the turd was really, really, really crazy because I was like, wow, we are one in the same. We all eat food and then poop it out. Like that's crazy. Why have we not evolved past this, this poopy butt. I'm going to start calling Kai poop butt.
C
I don't have a poopy butt cuz I have a bidet.
B
Oh true.
C
And it's a high powered one and.
B
It feels like it's cutting my butthole when I use it.
C
I know you have to train your ass.
B
It feels like it's giving me fishers. Oh baby. I have a trained. My is trained.
A
Oh baby. Oh baby. Don't play with me. Seriously.
B
Have y' all been seeing the day in the life Instagram guys? It's like mid 20 something year old straight guys like vlogging their day and it's like grind set mindset, like content. And it's like my 9 to 5 or my 9 to 11 after my 9 to 5 as a single guy living in Houston or whatever. And it's just like the nastiest white guy you've ever seen. That literally is like dancing. Like he's like, like they, they all do this.
A
What is he dancing for?
B
They. Nothing. They're like smiling, laughing and dancing and they're like, like they're just like having a good time in their mirror, like brushing their Teeth. And I'm like, I've never seen more in my life than that.
A
I guess if I'm gonna be like, never thought I'd come here. But again, I'm just really trying to be more positive, I guess, like, guys can be happy, too. I don't know. I don't know. I don't understand anything anymore.
C
Those guys scare me because I feel like. Like I look basically like every single.
B
You do, Kai.
C
I look exactly like those guys. And I'll see those videos and I'll be like, damn, I was probably so close in another life, like, that was me.
B
Yeah.
C
Dancing and walking towards the camera. Or, like, standing at a standing desk, adjusting the height.
B
Yeah.
A
There's really no winning with, like, the rate, the way you raise anybody. Because I'm like, what does that breed from. Does that breed from, like, lack of.
B
Attention as a child?
A
But there's a confidence there, so there had to have been some sort of tension.
B
They're all so insecure and sad. It also, like, it comes from, like, wait, y' all, listen to this audio. It's gonna trigger you guys.
A
I'm so sweaty.
B
Listen to this audio. Where is it? I texted it.
A
Why would you purposely play something to trigger me?
B
To pay for my skills. Doesn't pay the bills because it takes me hours. I'm all for small businesses pricing what they are. Like, yeah, factor in the cost of labor. Labor. Factor in the cost of materials, and honestly, price of whatever the you want, but can we stop playing that goddamn song, please?
A
I haven't seen it in a minute. I think it kind of died out.
B
It's dead. But I saw it recently, and it was.
A
It was. It was scaring you. You were a bit scared.
B
I was triggered, traumatized.
A
Can you believe that? They found out how to make money off of making money? Because finding out that the Architectural Digest videos, most of them, was just people showing the houses they wanted to sell, essentially.
B
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A
I can't believe that, like, all of.
B
Those YouTubers that show, like, $55 million mansions, it's not just like, they got access to this house. It's like they're trying to sell these homes, and they, like, use it as, like, a marketing example.
A
Like, for who? For the three people who have the money to get it.
B
Like, I doubt even three people that watch that even, like, I don't know. That's, like, always been my question, too. It's like, also, like, if I'm buying a $55 million house, I do not want a home that was uploaded to YouTube so people can see every fucking corner of it. Like, the killers are out to get me.
A
They're living in the walls.
B
They're in the walls.
A
Oh, wow. The fact that we had a beanbag and we would jump off the loft onto it all drunk as all the time is really.
B
That's a vibe.
A
It's disgusting. Like, grown adults with beanbags. That's a shameful activity. That's a really shameful sign. That's like a. That's a naughty sign. If, if you're going into. If you're leaving your home for the first time and you're like, this sounds like. Sounds amazing. Like, I understand. Couches and furniture in general is incredibly expensive. Hunting around on Facebook market for months takes months. It takes time. But. But don't. Don't be fooled by a beanbag. That's not the solution.
B
No.
A
No matter the price. No matter the size for the price. Like, just don't. Don't be an adult.
B
Also, please stop buying the lovesack couch.
A
What is that?
B
There's like a modular couch you can buy from Lovesac that makes the giant bean bags and it's like a couch, and you can buy like, pieces and build your own couch. People are paying like tens of thousands of dollars for this shitty couch when you can, like, buy like a nice couch for that price and like, instead they're getting like pieces of foam with zipping, like velvet, like covers. It's like, you can do so much better for $16,000 than that section.
A
Are they, like, super expensive?
B
It's wildly expensive. Live.
A
And I'm like, how much is their beanbag, I wonder?
B
It's pretty expensive. It's like 2K.
A
Spending more than $60 on a beanbag should be punished by death.
B
Wait, Kai, how much are the love sack beanbags?
C
$3,600 or $4,800? Yeah, this is 40 off too.
B
I love living in a cat capitalistic economy, dude.
A
It's amazing because people are just actually losing it. Oh, my gosh. I mean, hopefully alongside the literacy issue that's coming, or lack of literacy that's coming upon this nation, maybe it'll coincide with numbers as well. So then things will become cheaper because people will forget how numbers are supposed to be ordered out. So maybe it'll work out the amount of memes. I remember last year I started to see an increase in typos not being called out, which, whatever. I think we have to go back to that because I saw. Wait, who is this? Before I say this because, like, oh, no, no, it's somebody made an edit of a Caroline Polachek song or video or some. And they just used. It's a great video. Like, the video is amazing, but they used the wrong your. And not a single person said anything about it in the comments. And it was only like 100 something comments.
B
It's because that job's like the job of the youngest generation that's accessing the Internet. Like, it's like the annoying generation. And Gen Alpha literally can't read because of the pandemic.
A
Oh, yeah.
B
I don't. I genuinely don't think they know better, but I love Gen Alpha.
A
I know. Oh, I know. Yeah. Well, we also have a lot of family members who are Gen Alpha. Like, we have a lot of younger family members who are in it and.
B
In it to win it.
A
Wow. Well, media media of the week.
B
I got two songs. First one is Xenomorph Girl by Arca, and the next one is Habits by Os Osama Son. Was that whistle tones? Oh, it was her screaming. Oh, some Mason. How do you say Kai Osamason?
C
I don't know. That's what I say in my head. But I don't think I've ever said it out loud, and I shouldn't because I'm almost 32.
B
I'm a Cusp. Gen Z guy. I'm cusp. Gen Z Millennial.
C
I'm a very, very young millennial. I'm a baby millennial. Actually, I'm Gen Z.
A
I don't think so.
C
Yes, I am.
A
Honestly, I literally don't even have, like, any new music to share. Anything. It would be a repeat. Oh. I did start Insecure, though, and that's amazing. I'm on episode, like, seven, but I'm gonna stop because rain.
B
I want to catch up.
A
Yeah, a bunch of people now want to catch up because I've been spreading the word and. Yeah, I don't have it.
B
Came out in 2016. Yeah, it's just one season.
A
No, I think it's like three.
B
Oh, wow.
A
I might be tripping, though.
C
Actually, it's three.
B
That's major. Have you seen it?
C
Yeah, I watched all of it.
B
It's good.
C
It's really good. Yeah. I feel like that's one of the shows on hbo. That's. I consider one of the great shows, but I don't really hear about it too much.
B
Y' all keep up with industry.
C
No, but I. I feel like I should get through the five episode. You know how it's like, you have to watch that many episodes to care about it. I feel like I need to push through that.
B
Yeah. I, like, before we went out, I, like, went to someone's house, and they were, like, throwing an industry viewing party, and there was, like, a bunch of gay dudes just sitting. Like, 25 gay dudes sitting and watching this show. And I was like, wow, this show is actually doing gangbusters numbers. I got told that by an agent.
C
It's so weird too, because I feel like that show is so successful in a way, but also, I don't know anyone recognizes the actors in it, and.
B
No one really talks about it. Like, I don't see edits online.
C
I, I. The only reason why I know about it is because my two friends that are screenwriters are like, this is a really good show. It's really.
B
Well, that's literally why I know it is like, the. The exact same thing.
A
I don't know about it. So I guess I'm the only one left out.
B
Oh, I also watched this. Well, one, I watched the Jeff Bucky Buckley.
C
Bucky Jeff Bucket. What's that?
B
Buckley documentary. And it was incredibles, very tragic, very sad. Guys, mental health is real. So, like, take your medicines and drink your water and smile more. And then I watched what was that last night? Oh, the Casa Casa Amore. Casa Casa Bonita. Casa Bonita, the restaurant in Colorado that the south park people bought. They made, like, a documentary about buying it, fixing it up in the opening day and like, a few weeks after. And it's so awesome. Like, if you get down with anything theme park related, like content, like, like, Plus Size Park Hoppers, like, anything adjacent, like, this will be your jam.
A
That's a vibe. But maybe I watched that.
C
Did you?
B
I referenced Plus Size Park Hoppers, and no one that did it.
A
I don't know what that is.
B
Y' all don't know what that is?
A
No.
C
No. What is it?
B
I. Y', all. Y' all are gonna have to find out on your own because this is really shocking to me.
A
My jewel.
C
Are those, like, Disney adults or something?
B
Yeah. Okay.
A
Okay.
B
And they're plus size, and they talk about, like, chafing and stuff.
C
When I was taking a photo of one of my shits, I saw a hidden Mickey in there.
A
Can you like that? What you need to stop doing.
C
I went to the hospital.
A
I. Bitch. I know.
B
If anyone knows Enya, I know.
C
Okay. So I should be able to do whatever I want. Cause that's traumatic.
B
How you look cute right now.
C
Really?
B
Mm. You really do.
C
Thank you. Enya. What do you think?
B
And, yeah, you look beautiful. Right now. Your hair is so voluptuous.
C
But what do you think about me?
B
Thanks guys, for watching this episode of Emergency Intercom. Peace and love.
A
This is an I heart podcast. Guaranteed human.
Hosts: Enya Umanzor, Drew Phillips, Kai (recurring guest)
Date: January 23, 2026
Podcast: Emergency Intercom, iHeartPodcasts
In this episode, Enya, Drew, and Kai bring their trademark chaotic humor and introspection to a sprawling, hilarious conversation. The episode centers loosely on dynamics within their "polycule," touching on topics like polyamorous drama, internet culture, Gen Z/Alpha quirks, personal routines, LGBTQ+ nightlife, viral internet challenges, travel stories, bathroom etiquette, and their ongoing obsession with comfort and nostalgia. The hosts weave silly anecdotes with sharp cultural observations, all in their irreverent, stream-of-consciousness style.
This episode exemplifies Emergency Intercom’s blend of personal storytelling, cultural critique, and absurd banter. Enya, Drew, and Kai keep the energy high (and the laughs coming) as they flit between deeply relatable crises (relationship messiness, awkward adolescence, flying trauma) and wry observations about the absurdities of internet and adult life. Underneath the goofiness runs a real affection between the hosts—and a refreshing honesty about growing up, finding your routine, and, yes, the eternal struggles of bathroom etiquette.