Best of Emergency Intercom 1

Summary

Emergency Intercom: Best of Emergency Intercom 1 - Detailed Summary

Release Date: March 31, 2023

Hosts: Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips

"Emergency Intercom" is a vibrant comedy podcast featuring the dynamic interplay between hosts Enya Umanzor and Drew Phillips, with frequent contributions from their friend Kai. In the "Best of Emergency Intercom 1" episode, listeners are treated to a compilation of some of the most entertaining and memorable moments from previous episodes, showcasing the hosts' unique chemistry, humor, and candid conversations.

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1. Paranormal Encounters and Humorous Reactions

Timestamp: 02:04 - 04:10

The episode kicks off with a humorous discussion about a mysterious rattling sound from a drawer, leading to playful banter about potential paranormal activity. Kai sets a spooky yet comedic tone by saying, “Stop. You're literally scaring me right now. Because this is a paranormal experience” (02:04). The trio debates whether to investigate the noise, blending suspense with their characteristic humor.

2. Playful Teasing and Personal Quirks

Timestamp: 04:08 - 10:00

As the conversation progresses, the hosts engage in light-hearted teasing, highlighting their personal quirks and inside jokes. Drew mentions experiencing unexpected ear ringing: “Like, my ears feel like the most clear and free they've ever felt. And now they're ringing” (01:29). This segment showcases their ability to turn everyday occurrences into amusing dialogues, strengthening the camaraderie among them.

3. Delving into Mental Health and Personal Struggles

Timestamp: 41:08 - 43:58

The tone shifts as Kai shares a deeply personal and serious experience. He recounts a traumatic incident involving a hallucination that led him to attempt suicide, later discovering it was a schizophrenic delusion. Kai reveals, “I woke up in the middle of the night... I tried to kill myself, and it didn't work. And I later learned that it was a schizophrenic delusion. And now I am on antipsychotics” (41:12). This heartfelt moment adds depth to the podcast, highlighting the importance of mental health awareness.

4. Familial Relationships and Personal Anecdotes

Timestamp: 46:04 - 52:11

The hosts share personal stories about their families, providing listeners with insights into their backgrounds. Drew talks about his strained relationship with his absentee grandfather, saying, “I was like, nope, I don't want to meet no traitor” (46:04). Meanwhile, Kai discusses the pressures of maintaining physical appearance and the challenges of dealing with slut-shaming, stating, “Being pretty is a curse because you're hated by the ugly people and you're hated by men” (46:17). These anecdotes foster a sense of relatability and connection with the audience.

5. Everyday Humor and Relatable Situations

Timestamp: 53:11 - 59:00

Returning to their comedic roots, the hosts tackle mundane topics with humor and wit. Drew humorously critiques the quality of airplane food: “Why is airplane food and airport food. Those are the worst meals ever” (36:33). They also joke about personal habits and frustrations, such as dealing with colds and navigating social interactions. This segment emphasizes their ability to find humor in everyday life, making the podcast both entertaining and relatable.

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Notable Quotes

• Kai on Paranormal Experiences:
  “Stop. You're literally scaring me right now. Because this is a paranormal experience” (02:04)

• Kai Sharing Mental Health Struggles:
  “I woke up in the middle of the night... I tried to kill myself, and it didn't work. And I later learned that it was a schizophrenic delusion. And now I am on antipsychotics” (41:12)

• Enya on Prioritizing Attention:
  “I prioritize attention from women because they, you know, they should be put on a pedestal, in my opinion” (20:25)

• Kai on Appearance and Slut-Shaming:
  “Being pretty is a curse because you're hated by the ugly people and you're hated by men. You get slut shamed” (46:17)

Insights and Themes

• Chemistry and Camaraderie:
  The seamless interaction between Enya, Drew, and Kai highlights their strong friendship and mutual understanding, creating an engaging and entertaining dynamic for listeners.

• Balancing Humor with Seriousness:
  The podcast adeptly balances light-hearted humor with serious discussions about mental health and personal struggles, offering a well-rounded listening experience.

• Relatability and Authenticity:
  By sharing personal stories and everyday frustrations, the hosts cultivate a sense of authenticity, making the content highly relatable to a broad audience.

Conclusion

"Best of Emergency Intercom 1" effectively encapsulates the essence of the "Emergency Intercom" podcast, blending humor, personal anecdotes, and meaningful conversations. From playful teasing to serious discussions about mental health, the hosts deliver a multifaceted and engaging episode that resonates with both new listeners and long-time fans. This compilation serves as a testament to their ability to entertain while fostering genuine connections with their audience.

Transcript

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. Now through June 24th. Score hot summer savings and earn four times the points. Look for in store tags on Items like Pepsi 2 liter bottles, poppy prebiotic sodas, all laundry detergent and Kinder's seasoning blend. Then clip the offer in the app for automatic event long savings. Enjoy savings on top of savings when you shop in store or online for easy drive up and go pickup or delivery subject to availability restrictions. Visit Albertsons or safeway.com for more details at Designer Shoe Warehouse, we believe that shoes are an important part of, well.

[Drew]

Everything from first steps to first dates, from all nighters to all time personal bests.

[Ryan Seacrest]

From building pillow forts to building a.

[Drew]

Life for all the big and small moments that make up your whole world. DSW is there and we've got just the shoes. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love at brag worthy prices at your DSW store or DSW.com.

[Kai]

I will be your best gay best friend till the end. But like, really what I'm after is that pussy. That's really all I've been here for.

[Drew]

Like, I. I was like, oh, my ears feel like the most like clear and free they've ever felt. And now they're ringing. Yeah, now they're like ringing and like buzzing.

[Enya]

I speak at a very low monotone level. Really?

[Drew]

That's what I'm saying.

[Kai]

The American Sign Language peoples on stage like faking sign language and.

[Enya]

Kai, what the was that?

[Drew]

Did a bird just hit the window?

[Enya]

I don't know, but the. The drawer thing opened. It rattled. Like this thing rattled.

[Kai]

Stop. You're literally scaring me right now. Because this is a paranormal experience.

[Drew]

Open it.

[Enya]

I don't want to. Open it. There's so much.

[Drew]

Just an animal.

[Kai]

Wait, are you serious right now? Because I'm terrifying. I heard it too, but I thought it was you hitting your mic.

[Enya]

No, like this rattled.

[Drew]

Open it. Oh, my God. I'm not.

[Kai]

No, because there's a fucking Spiderman. I have wood to knock on.

[Drew]

Okay, I have wood too, because I do have a bulging penis under my blanket right now.

[Kai]

That's what my wood was. Oh, drew that someone would say.

[Drew]

Sorry. I just watched the way you rubbed your eye. What that means. Oh, my God. No.

[Enya]

Yeah. What's up? I heard.

[Kai]

I'm like, damn, you really do do that. Like, you're really into that, right? Came to the conclusion that scat lovers like people who love being pooped on and shit on.

[Drew]

Oh, I thought you meant scat like the music.

[Kai]

No, I was like, I love our braver in the jump.

[Drew]

They, like, still need that kind of slow molation.

[Kai]

It's Gohan.

[Drew]

You need to stop doing that.

[Kai]

Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Kai.

[Enya]

What? We just went.

[Drew]

That was probably the longest media.

[Enya]

Yeah, no, I'm not. That's Drew's culture. I'm not going to cut that out. Were you eating a burrito or something? What was that?

[Kai]

Yeah, I was just YouTube.

[Enya]

They were. He was eating a burrito. Do not demonetize us. I'm lacking a meat. A certain meat in my diet. Yeah, I just pointed at Drew's dick for those. I couldn't see.

[Kai]

Like a. I had a dream.

[Drew]

I was in preschool.

[Kai]

I just started crying.

[Enya]

Until night.

[Kai]

It was called the golden piss shower.

[Enya]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

Yeah. It's like the beer shower at LJT Larry Jo Taylor Festival, but with piss. And you just unzip your pants and pee everywhere.

[Drew]

I. I guess Kai, because he somehow thinks it's gonna be his fault and he gets, like, scared.

[Kai]

Wait, but the way red means recording.

[Drew]

Whatever.

[Kai]

Well, I saw your dad on Grindr.

[Drew]

Are you kidding me?

[Kai]

Yeah. So he is using it to make.

[Drew]

You didn't, like, interact with him?

[Kai]

No, we matched and. Oh, my God, I hit like crazy. You know, if you poke. If you're a guy and you poke your belly button, you can feel it in your penis tip. Try it, Kai.

[Enya]

Wait.

[Kai]

What? Would you hook your belly button really hard?

[Enya]

Oh, I think I. Oh, what the.

[Kai]

I know.

[Enya]

Whoa.

[Kai]

Crazy. I. You try it. See if you feel it anywhere. Okay. We're literally sexually satisfying ourselves. We have to stop.

[Drew]

Hey, I think you have to stop. Stop with the joke, because you're not.

[Kai]

It's not a joke.

[Drew]

You're not 17.

[Kai]

It's not a joke, Okay?

[Drew]

I just. I mean, I've known. I've known you for 10 years, and you weren't 7 when I met you.

[Kai]

I was 6. You're right.

[Drew]

No, you're not. 45 seconds, Drew will never end. It will never end. And that's okay. Like, you'll just be the old man with a fruity tube in your mouth.

[Kai]

I freak a fruity tube. Now you need to fucking chill right now. Right now.

[Drew]

Like a fruit flavored, like, puffing sucking tube. You gotta suck it and it's fruity.

[Kai]

Oh. Oh, wow. This is crazy. No, this is crazy. I was in the. I wasn't prepared for this. I don't know if I'm really scared actually right now. That's what I was gonna say. I Was gonna say Orion as my.

[Drew]

Like, who you like. Oh, hello. That scared me.

[Enya]

That got me horny.

[Kai]

Honestly, Kai, you have sigma eyebrows.

[Drew]

This is. This, guys. This is why we have to kill toxic masculinity.

[Kai]

Exactly. Exactly. I felt like Harry Styles running through those feelings.

[Drew]

Okay, take it back. Run it back. Cut that. Don't ever say that about yourself ever again.

[Kai]

I. I literally, sometimes I just feel like I look like Harry Styles.

[Drew]

We can only hope for so much, you know?

[Kai]

We can only hope you kill yourself tonight. Yep. Hello.

[Drew]

I heard it meant something else.

[Kai]

Maybe, like, I. I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but, like, Kami's stuck inside.

[Drew]

Begging.

[Kai]

Begging you.

[Drew]

What I was going to say is, why would my feet get so warm in the shower? I get horny.

[Kai]

Oh.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

I'm like a walking hypothetical.

[Drew]

I'm a walking paradox.

[Kai]

I'm a walking paradox. Threesomes with a triceratops.

[Drew]

Damn. That's just a crazy. Like, what? In my dream, we're at this party and it's.

[Kai]

At least was it that I wasn't in your life anymore?

[Drew]

Oh, babe, that would have been a dream come true.

[Kai]

Yeah. So I have scabies and I'm in heroin withdrawal. Little boxes on the hilltop Little boxes made of ticky Remember what you're fighting for Little boxes on the hilltop and traffic and suburbia and a 95 remember.

[Drew]

That'S what you're fighting for what are you saying?

[Enya]

It makes perfect sense to me.

[Drew]

Like, I. I don't know.

[Kai]

I like manly.

[Drew]

Yeah, they're, like, manly like mouth farts.

[Kai]

They're not, like, cute girl far.

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

Just, like, when women fart on my face, like, it's, like, cute.

[Drew]

Oh, it sounds different. Does it feel different than men's? Because I assume you let men on your face.

[Enya]

What does it taste like?

[Drew]

Doo doo caca.

[Kai]

Well, you've ever had a deviled egg? There's a lot of skin care scams that, like, everybody is falling for. Like, drinking water. You don't have to drink water. I've only drank Pepsi for, like, the last, like, 14 years of my life.

[Drew]

No, Drew, you have to drink water. Like, that's not like a scam like that. That's been around for, like, hello, I'm still here.

[Kai]

I literally have not had a cup of water in 14 years, though.

[Drew]

True. That's really. What color is your pee?

[Kai]

It's, like, red. I think I, like, subconsciously threw together those last bits just in case I was going to go in so I could.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Knowing I can't be myself around you.

[Drew]

I'm just saying.

[Kai]

I say one thing and it's just got to be a conversation. It's always got to be correct. My life is always has to be corrected. I'm the guy to correct it seems.

[Drew]

It's like, was it in, like, a bad mood? But I've been kind of. Drew, did you drink? Did you already drink?

[Kai]

This is vodka, Drew.

[Drew]

No, no, you can't keep doing that, Drew. You obviously don't need any more. Stop. You don't need any more, bitch.

[Kai]

You also get that you get dirty sheets, but a cute sleeper.

[Drew]

Y' all want to see my tits?

[Kai]

Yes, please. Like, please. Look at that guy, like, swinging around over there. He's on the very tip top.

[Drew]

I know. I want to.

[Kai]

Those birds.

[Drew]

Like, what? You're gonna like what? Those birds.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

No, I think I misheard you.

[Kai]

Yeah, I didn't say.

[Drew]

Oh, well, last night.

[Kai]

Thanksgiving is over. Like, tell me why Thanksgiving is over. Hi. I'm a little piggy.

[Drew]

Stop.

[Kai]

I've been ripping the armpits out of my shirts and sweaters.

[Drew]

Right, right.

[Kai]

Better circulation, better pheromone.

[Drew]

I know how to help circulate your blood if you need help doing that.

[Kai]

Me too.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Like, rebooting and like, recoding.

[Kai]

Our neighbor just took a flash photo.

[Drew]

Of us through the window.

[Kai]

So weird.

[Drew]

Should we go stop him? Or should we just let him have that for his enjoyment?

[Kai]

I mean, he can see at my skirt. I don't care.

[Drew]

Can I see your morning wood tomorrow?

[Kai]

Yes. Yes. Unironically. Yeah. See, it's a real problem for me because I. When I walk into the room, panties just drop. They just start dropping, man. Like everybody.

[Drew]

Actually, no.

[Kai]

What if we captured the second on video?

[Drew]

A girl? We.

[Kai]

We'll just leave that out.

[Drew]

I'll probably going to have to use the bathroom a few times during the flight.

[Kai]

And I realize I've been groping your shoe.

[Drew]

This, like, I don't mind. It felt nice. Cuz these, like, don't have any. Like. Like warmth. So your hands are, like, warm.

[Kai]

I'll give you a foot massage. Like, we can take these off.

[Drew]

You need to stop.

[Kai]

Enya changes her pad in my bathroom. It smells like dog surgery.

[Drew]

Dog surgery is crazy. No, egg white is like stinky fart. You like that, bro?

[Enya]

You like that, bro?

[Kai]

And you're classist and you hate poor people. Football.

[Drew]

See what that has to do with it? But.

[Kai]

Die, like, in Anya's room, like, tearing up, talking.

[Drew]

I know she was fully about to cry, which is really embarrassing because I thought I lived and loved a man. But then I realized that it was just a boy, so.

[Kai]

And you're ugly, so.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

And I never loved you.

[Drew]

I can say the same.

[Kai]

Okay, what's the.

[Drew]

Oh, the highest in the room.

[Kai]

The Alex G song. I've been thinking saying recently, when I.

[Drew]

Get sad, I get sad.

[Kai]

I get so mad Gonna marry you with the broken r Bab.

[Drew]

Keep going.

[Kai]

Cuz I am tr and I am.

[Drew]

Bad.

[Kai]

Sometimes I get mad in my room.

[Enya]

That was awesome.

[Drew]

Yeah, we've been working on that.

[Kai]

That's like.

[Enya]

You guys have been working on that. I think the idea is that you created infrastructure for electric vehicles, and then you move the power grid to a sustainable power grid to power those vehicles. And then you also don't have to. You don't have to spend energy getting the energy source to the vehicles, like with gas.

[Kai]

Guys, sometimes I actually. I'm not joking you. You go on rants and I smile, but literally, my brain is a clip machine.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Kai, who are you having sex with?

[Enya]

I've been having sex with Drew. I've been having.

[Drew]

You're not to the point of hunger.

[Kai]

Where you're nauseous because we all have a hunger. We all have a hunger. I've seen them there. We literally Monsters, Inc. And is. Yeah. Monsters, Inc. And Finding Nemo are coming to say hello.

[Drew]

What? I don't have Twitter, and neither do you, so you're lying.

[Kai]

I'm not lying. I have Twitter, but for other reasons. And sometimes I'll navigate over to the trending page. What?

[Drew]

Where'd you go? Who is that? Hello.

[Kai]

Hi.

[Drew]

Hello. Hi.

[Kai]

Hi.

[Drew]

Where's Drew? Drew, come back. Kai. Where's Drew?

[Kai]

Kill yourself.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Kill yourself.

[Kai]

Kill yourself, all of you. K in you. Kill yourself. Kill yourself.

[Drew]

No. How'd you get in here? I'm getting out of here.

[Enya]

You look. You look straight and sexy at the same time.

[Kai]

Stop. Stop.

[Enya]

Anyway, continue. Continue, guys.

[Kai]

Wait, what? What about it, though? What about.

[Drew]

Can y' all have sex when we're not doing our goddamn job?

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

Oh, what am I supposed to do when she dies? That's so annoying. I think I'd get another cat immediately.

[Enya]

Maybe you're pregnant right now. You never.

[Kai]

You never know.

[Drew]

Don't say that kind of shit to me. Don't wish evil upon me. What do you like?

[Kai]

What did he call you? No.

[Drew]

Oh, you think I look pregnant?

[Enya]

No, I'm not saying that.

[Kai]

Wow.

[Enya]

No, I'm not saying that. That's not what I Was saying. That wasn't what I was saying.

[Drew]

Well, what.

[Enya]

True.

[Kai]

We're gonna.

[Enya]

You know, that's.

[Kai]

We're gonna have a conversation about this after.

[Drew]

Funny how freely you feel to speak on a woman's.

[Kai]

No, leave it in, Leave it in, leave it in.

[Enya]

Yeah, I'm gonna cut it because you made it look like. No.

[Drew]

Wow. Wow.

[Enya]

Are you. Are you gonna yell at me for that? What are you gonna do to me?

[Drew]

What the is that turning into?

[Kai]

I'm gonna spank you.

[Drew]

Do you want to hear about the crazy I heard on the. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. You immediately shut me down just like.

[Kai]

I don't want to hear about that.

[Drew]

So you get to talk about your, like, weird, like, conspiracies, and I can't say something.

[Kai]

Oh, they're not controversies. They're not conspiracies. I've had another obsession recently, but I can't remember what it was.

[Drew]

It's probably me.

[Kai]

It's not really an obsession. When I watch you sleep at night. Like, that's not enough.

[Drew]

I didn't know that's what you.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

No, I was joking about, like, me being your obsession.

[Kai]

Okay, well, I was joking, too. I do not climb a ladder and look through your windows at night. Like, I don't prop up a ladder and just, like, look in. Like, that's weird. I wouldn't. I would actually never do that. So you sound dumb now.

[Drew]

It sounds like it's something you do and you're, like, backtracking heavily.

[Kai]

Were you seeing Usher by. You deserved all of that.

[Drew]

Yeah, but I just had to. Oh, my God. Why are you looking under my skirt?

[Kai]

Can we get that? No, I'm not cutting that signals to me.

[Drew]

What? I. I was literally telling a story.

[Kai]

I know. Just, girls don't really talk to me that often, so, like, when I'm gonna have a fucking panic, I'm gonna throw up.

[Drew]

You're, like, in our mid-20s, Drew.

[Kai]

No, I'm 16, bitch. Don't ever say that to me. Ever. Fucking.

[Drew]

Okay, well, you're 16, but I need you to hurry up and age faster because the fact that I spend all my time with a 16 year old.

[Enya]

Is, like, it's crazy that we're in our mid-20s.

[Kai]

Like, you know, what you want us to do is be like, you're old as fuck, Kai, but I love you.

[Drew]

You're aging gracefully for somebody with the genetics that you were gifted, girl.

[Kai]

You're beautiful. You're beautiful just the way you are, and you shouldn't care about what other people think. Of you.

[Drew]

Grow up.

[Enya]

Oh, I'll just meditate.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. You bitch ass liar bitch.

[Kai]

I'll just jerk off.

[Drew]

Stop fucking interrupting us with lies.

[Kai]

I'll just play with myself.

[Drew]

I'll play with you in the backseat. You know what's cool is this bag looks like it was made in the same factory that they make basketballs on Amazon. I'm just saying. I mean, am I wrong? Oh. Oh, my God. Like, no, you can't do this the whole episode. What are you doing?

[Enya]

He's gonna re enter and get enough attention the first time, and you're, like.

[Drew]

Putting things in frame. Why did you have a stapler? I like the lights on the opposite tip. I stopped sleeping naked because one time my friend sent me this.

[Kai]

The earthquake is gonna come.

[Drew]

Oh, I don't give a.

[Kai]

It's. My vibe is like, if my nudes leak, I'm kind of just like, relief. Like, it's like my brother died. Like, I just, like, get relief.

[Drew]

Did you just compare your nudes leaking to your brother dying?

[Kai]

Yeah. This is something that I've been holding off, and I actually cannot believe that I haven't talked about it yet, but. Okay, so you know Taylor Swift, she's got her new album coming out. Okay, tell me why. One of her first big songs, she wrote about me. Teardrops on My guitar. That was written about me. Drew looks at me. I fake a smile so he won't see.

[Drew]

No, it's. I think it's. He looks at me.

[Kai]

I think it's Drew.

[Drew]

Are you making that up? Because.

[Kai]

Why don't I believe you? It's. It's very real. She wrote it about me because.

[Drew]

Do you have a fake thing you fucking photoshopped?

[Kai]

Like, where are you at? Look, I'm Googling it right now. Um, but the thing. The fucking thing of it all. Teardrops on my guitar. Drew looks at me the first.

[Drew]

Oh, wait, is that actually it?

[Kai]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying is I didn't tell anybody about this, but me and Taylor had a thing really early on.

[Drew]

Wait, wait, wait.

[Kai]

I was in Tennessee.

[Drew]

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

[Kai]

20 minutes outside the city.

[Drew]

What year did this song come out? Because now this is getting weird.

[Kai]

Don't ask questions. You don't want to know.

[Drew]

She's about 10 years older than you, which wouldn't be weird now.

[Kai]

I was groomed by Taylor Swift.

[Drew]

Oh, yeah.

[Kai]

There I said it. There I said it. It's crazy how you've ignored every single question I've answered all of Inya's it's just, like.

[Enya]

I prioritize attention from women because they, you know, they should be put on a pedestal, in my opinion.

[Kai]

Honestly, I agree with that.

[Drew]

Like, why do you all have to turn everything into, like, proving that you don't hate women? And I feel like I've been doing okay enough that I don't need to.

[Kai]

Which is you need to talk. Imagination.

[Drew]

I don't understand how, like, computers work and you, like, can't pay me to sit down and learn. I've said that before.

[Enya]

I could easily.

[Drew]

No, no. Hello? Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Sorry.

[Enya]

I just want.

[Drew]

Your Botox looks really good. It's cool that Kai got a really good Botox that you can't tell that he has, like, Botox and filler in his face.

[Kai]

Kai, do you have the face?

[Enya]

I don't. I don't. I swear to God. I actually. Oh, yeah, it's at 100.

[Drew]

I love them so much. They have this square, almost frog like, toe detail. Kai, there's sand falling out of your sneaker.

[Kai]

Literally fell out of your sneaker. My God. Antimicrobial. Turn around, go back to where you came from and. But, like, I can't do bone and meat at all. Like, boner meat.

[Drew]

Hey.

[Kai]

I can't come from me.

[Enya]

How is it I just am complimenting you?

[Drew]

Hey, don't cry. Don't. No, real men don't cry. Please stop. Like, actually, no. It's, like, grossing me out. Oh, my God. I'm never fucking him again.

[Enya]

Wait a second. You guys fuck all the time?

[Drew]

Like clockwork.

[Enya]

Damn.

[Drew]

Because we're fucking. I've never seen the movie.

[Kai]

Let's talk about finsta. Have we ever talked about finsta? Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Like, the energy of. If they think you are important and if you are not, like, serving that, you're an. Kai. Kai, your camera is on.

[Enya]

What's up?

[Drew]

Your camera is on. Are you drinking?

[Enya]

No, no, this is water.

[Kai]

Why do you have water in a big vodka bottle?

[Enya]

It's like a propel.

[Drew]

It's like tequila. Like, why are you okay?

[Kai]

Actually, no, you're done. Like, you're done. Camera.

[Enya]

What do you mean, I'm done?

[Kai]

Camera off.

[Drew]

We need to get a replacement for that guy.

[Kai]

I know. Say it was pretty okay.

[Enya]

Oh, my. I think we technically have the.

[Kai]

Technically? That's a headline.

[Enya]

Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Is it a vibrator?

[Enya]

No, it's a flashlight for, like, Drew's mouth.

[Kai]

Oh, of my mouth?

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Kai]

How did you get the mold?

[Drew]

Yeah. What?

[Enya]

I like, did this thing where I, like, scanned your face. While you were sleeping and did a 3D.

[Kai]

What the.

[Drew]

That's actually impressive, you know?

[Enya]

Okay, thank you. I thought you guys.

[Kai]

And you should go and kill yourself. And you should go and kill yourself now. Can I get a pint of Jose Cuervo?

[Enya]

Damn. I have never seen you move your body like that. Holy shit.

[Kai]

Don't touch me.

[Drew]

I'm not touching.

[Kai]

Get your hand off of me or something.

[Drew]

You got.

[Kai]

Don't fucking talk about Charlie Puth. That's my twin.

[Drew]

You have got to get off that fucking iPhone. Why is he always on that iPhone? If I had the money Charlie Puth had, I would not be on iPhone.com. i would be out. Like, I would be, like, not on iPhone.

[Kai]

A gay. Oh. Oh, a man with an iPhone is gay. No, that crack that broke. That literally.

[Enya]

I saw a glass.

[Drew]

Yeah, I'm literally like. I'm like, weird niche on the Internet.

[Kai]

You're, like, far right extremist. It's okay.

[Drew]

No, no, I'm not. No, Drew, stop. You have to stop. Like, we can't publicize that stuff because.

[Kai]

Like, well, you said, blue lives matter. I'm a Republican. We should be able to talk.

[Drew]

No, I didn't say that. You're saying all of that. I would never publicly say that because I'm smart.

[Kai]

What do you mean by that? I just feel different, you know?

[Drew]

Yeah. I forgot to put on earrings.

[Kai]

I feel better.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Oh, you. I noticed something was really ugly about you, and it's because you didn't have your earrings in.

[Drew]

That makes me feel so awful because I feel very insecure without my earrings.

[Kai]

Well, it's something you can change in five minutes, so just do it. Nature. It's like breathing. Like, I don't realize I'm doing. Just happens.

[Drew]

No, I feel that, but I never miss access, and I'm, like, the best. Wait, what?

[Kai]

Yeah, like, I'm also, like, super on, like, hella substances. Like.

[Drew]

Like. Like, that's so bad.

[Kai]

It was just lsd.

[Drew]

No, don't admit to that. At least, like, you can keep. No, you can keep doing it and, like, I don't care. But just, like, for the sake of our, like, image online, don't, like, post.

[Kai]

I popped a tab of lsd. I took a Fentanyl. Roxy.

[Drew]

And how does that make you feel?

[Kai]

Terrible.

[Drew]

Yeah, you should write a fucking book about it and sell it to somebody who gives a fuck, because I literally don't.

[Kai]

Oh, my God. I'm not confirming nor denying that I have a gun in this bag right now. So keep talking shit and Find out.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. You're threatening to shoot your friends.

[Kai]

Let's just find out. Shall we? Find out. Let's just say I laughed my little butt off.

[Drew]

Just, like, caught up. We're caught up in other things.

[Enya]

I feel like you guys do stuff, though.

[Drew]

Shut.

[Enya]

I just. I. I'm trying to, like, validate the fact that you guys are living your.

[Drew]

Lives and you go blind half of the things we say to each other. But that is such. That is such an honor to be living a life where I am surrounded by such funny people that I am constantly pissing myself and giving myself the.

[Kai]

And the fact that you're constantly doing that and not giving me the panties after is crazy.

[Drew]

What? Yeah.

[Kai]

It is not a straight fruit.

[Drew]

It is a little fruity.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Enya]

True. Drew, you got a little sugar in your tank, huh?

[Drew]

What the did you just say to him?

[Kai]

Was that a slur where you call.

[Drew]

Yeah, like, that was really derogatory. Like, what are you saying?

[Enya]

That's like, a funny thing, that.

[Drew]

And during Pride Month. And during Pride Month.

[Kai]

Pride Month, babe.

[Drew]

Every month is Pride Month, babe.

[Kai]

Walk out and it's like a kind of fancy hotel, I guess. And, like, other people. Cool people were staying there or whatever. Are my eyes too close together? I feel like they are. I don't know. I just said it.

[Drew]

Hey, Drew.

[Enya]

Serious question. Do you want to drop any more shit and fuck up the audio before we continue?

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Do you want.

[Kai]

Serious question. Do you want a fucking job after this?

[Enya]

Yes. So sorry.

[Drew]

Like, it was a usual stomachache where I'm, like, bloated and something hurt, but my colons were literally vibrating. Like, if I put my colon to my. I would have. It would have been a mess.

[Kai]

Whoa.

[Drew]

Cuz they were vibrating. Do you get it?

[Kai]

Okay. Jesus Christ. None of my messages are s. Jesus H. Christ.

[Drew]

Where does the H come from? Like, have you heard someone say that before? Like, Jesus H. Christ. Have you heard?

[Enya]

It's for holiday. It's for, like, the holiday. Christmas. Jesus. Holiday. Christmas.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

Hanging out. And it's just like, this key that's like, what the.

[Drew]

The house? But like, electric bikes. And she kept saying her language.

[Kai]

Electric chair. And I. Electric chair.

[Drew]

What is that?

[Kai]

Like, I'm just trying to get some pussy. I gotta be real.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. That's not the way you do it.

[Kai]

I thought that's, like, what you would. Like what? You didn't even care what I cared.

[Enya]

I was taking notes the whole time.

[Drew]

Do you want.

[Enya]

Sometimes my depression just flares up.

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Did we ask, though, like, let's. Let's be real. Like, it wasn't, like, a diluted drink. They were serving me alcohol. So I had a drink, and I was like, josie, get one. Okay.

[Kai]

When you're on your periods and, like, your uterus and hurts, just shut the up. Yeah. And I was like. And I was ever. I was like, whoa, whoa. Her name was Mary. Well, looking like a. Hold on. We got media.

[Drew]

Really focus in and pay attention. When I cook, I do too much. And then, like, my dish is, like, a million.

[Kai]

You're doing too much. What's crazy is that I literally, like, had to hide my tattoos in Shibuya. Like, the Frank Ocean lyric.

[Drew]

Yeah, but you have one, so it's like, I had sex with your mom last night. Did you know that, Kai? And she squirted everywhere. Did you know your mom was a squirter?

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Why would you know that, Kai? Ew. Ew.

[Kai]

But it's real. Like.

[Drew]

Like, it was the genesis of you realizing that you were straight and you didn't have to have, like, any worries.

[Kai]

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Seriously, Like, a hundred percent.

[Drew]

We thought our boobs were, like, the funniest thing. Like, we literally. Like, the amount of times we would be in bathing suits, like, at the beach or at the pool, and you.

[Kai]

Have to make it and play with each other's boobs and, like, take pictures of them and, like. Like, pour water on them. And then you'd send those photos to me. Now send me pictures of your tits.

[Drew]

Like, m' lady. Didn't see you there.

[Kai]

If I was there, I wouldn't have let any of this happen, by the way.

[Drew]

How would you have stopped that?

[Kai]

I don't know. I would have found a way. I'm basically Ant man.

[Drew]

And just listen to it because you like it and it makes you feel good.

[Kai]

Stop.

[Drew]

I'm right here. You do this to me all the time. Like, you're a. Like, I didn't know I was marrying someone who was. For the people. Show them. Show them. Show them what you did in your mouth. You're embarrassed.

[Kai]

What are you gonna say? Oh, I've been trying to gain weight really badly.

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

In Japan. And I ate so much food. I ate so much goddamn food in Japan. And I actually did gain weight. I gained seven pounds. So congratulate me. Hey.

[Enya]

Where did I.

[Drew]

At some point, I squirted and squooshed all over this.

[Kai]

Yeah. I've come on our green carpet in our living room. What? I literally was, like, I feel, like, so normal. Normally, I feel like, can I please. Of my balls. No.

[Drew]

But like, you're giving me a little peek show through your shorts, and I can see your bulge. No, I can't.

[Enya]

Can I see? Can I see?

[Drew]

I want it.

[Kai]

I want it.

[Drew]

Iconic. Iconic. I want it. I want it. I want it. Oh, Kai's wearing different pants today. Iconic. Kai lied to me. And that's a whole other thing.

[Kai]

No, I didn't know that. This became the mental health podcast since last time I've been on here. Kill yourself. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Drew]

So much for mental health project and your life and this.

[Kai]

What was I saying to you in the kitchen earlier? That I was like, I'm gonna save that for the podcast.

[Drew]

Oh, that. You were so drew.

[Kai]

He wants to be happy.

[Enya]

Gave me a blue check. It's coming in, like, a week, and I'm gonna get you one too.

[Drew]

Oh, all right. Oh, he's crawling around.

[Enya]

I don't know if they can see that.

[Drew]

They can't see you.

[Enya]

He's getting back in frame, though. So they can see it. This is what.

[Drew]

This is what? Don't hit your head again. Come on, little guy.

[Enya]

Come on, let's get you back on the. On the chair.

[Kai]

Literally 20 episodes, but every time I just, like, forget what the. Yeah.

[Enya]

What?

[Kai]

I'm done, too.

[Enya]

Please don't leave. Please don't leave. Okay, I guess I'm just going to do this episode the rest alone. And. Yeah, this. This will be cool.

[Drew]

Away from me. I'm going to kill you, D soon.

[Kai]

You stupid.

[Drew]

I'm done.

[Kai]

I'm actually, like, fed up with all your. I'm fed up with you.

[Drew]

You copied me. I walked out. And you had to walk out too.

[Kai]

Yeah, my brother died.

[Drew]

No, he did.

[Kai]

You keep calling me a liar.

[Drew]

He literally did it.

[Kai]

You fucking liars.

[Drew]

At are all the bitches at home?

[Kai]

Wait, this is me. This is me. Where are the bitches at? Okay, it feels like we're roommates. Wait, guys. And they were roommates. Ow. Wait, is this going to be out on Mother's Day or by Mother's Day?

[Drew]

No, it comes out right before Mother's Day.

[Kai]

Okay, I can't say this then.

[Drew]

Yeah, don't say that.

[Enya]

They need to make MILF stay. They need to make MILF stay.

[Drew]

Turn your camera off.

[Kai]

And you're gonna turn it off.

[Drew]

Timeout. Three minutes.

[Kai]

Inya. Yeah, you know how there's Mother's Day?

[Drew]

Yeah.

[Kai]

They need to make Mil stay.

[Drew]

Are you kidding? No, for real.

[Enya]

That's literally my joke.

[Drew]

I'm sorry, who Is that who. Who got in? Who got into our zoo?

[Kai]

Oh, my God. Did you leak?

[Enya]

It's me.

[Drew]

I think I accidentally leaked.

[Enya]

How do you guys not recognize my voice?

[Drew]

Who is this? This man is scaring me. Honestly.

[Enya]

It's me. Look, I'm back.

[Kai]

Get the. Out. Get out. Get out of here.

[Enya]

Oh. Oh, damn. Keep going.

[Kai]

So tell me this, was I okay?

[Drew]

Cuz I was talking and you just are, like, trying to butt in while I'm talking. So, like. And I got then, like, the cough.

[Kai]

Oh, yo, it's literally a sickness den in here. Both of them. Both of them are coughing.

[Enya]

But that cop didn't sound bad. Like, cough is a normal cop.

[Drew]

Like, how have you not seen this movie? And you just like, listen to this. And I was like. Because it's two of the greatest composers of all time.

[Kai]

Like, hello.

[Enya]

Yo.

[Kai]

Holy.

[Drew]

I think me and Kai are honestly shocked because, like.

[Kai]

Do you just want me to take off my beard? Do you want me to take it off? I'll take it off. I'm going to take it off.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

You guys are. You shaved for you.

[Enya]

You just pulled your beard.

[Drew]

You just ripped it off.

[Kai]

Yeah, I don't give a. I'm literally crazy.

[Drew]

Did that not hurt?

[Kai]

I'm crazy. I'm crazy. This random guy that my dad and mom.

[Drew]

I went to your construction site and nobody know who you knew who you were. Whoa.

[Kai]

What was that, reaction girl?

[Enya]

I don't know.

[Kai]

I really don't know. Like, that was the definition of. I'm in the middle of a story and someone just said something. Let me come up with something quick.

[Drew]

Eradicate. We need some eradicating. Eradicate. James Charles. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

[Drew]

Okay. Actually, I'm not kidding. Like, why is airplane food and airport food. Those are the worst meals ever.

[Kai]

But not for me. Not for me.

[Drew]

Pam.

[Enya]

Damn.

[Kai]

No.

[Drew]

So you. Makeup by Enya, styling by Enya.

[Kai]

Wait. Tattoos by Drew, though.

[Drew]

Yeah, we know.

[Kai]

Ki.

[Drew]

The thing is, no one said I looked good today.

[Enya]

You look beautiful.

[Kai]

Don't.

[Enya]

Enya, you look beautiful today.

[Drew]

Kai. Drew, when I get home, you're getting the biggest spanking I've ever given you.

[Kai]

Yeah, I know.

[Drew]

Yeah. I'm gonna put you over my lap.

[Kai]

Bend me over. Oh, yeah. Okay. Holy. We've got.

[Enya]

How big would it get? How sticky would it get?

[Drew]

Your hole. Yeah, we're recording this.

[Enya]

Oh, this is. We started.

[Drew]

You're not. I hope you're happy that this will be your last job that you will be able to get, because I don't know where else you're gonna take this resume? Oh, you wanted to sing your members. Okay. See how fast I catch on to you.

[Kai]

Yeah, you know my vibe, you little.

[Drew]

You little bastard prick. Not the oil spill.

[Kai]

The literally causing an oil. That's actually crazy.

[Drew]

Remember when banks used to have the drive throughs and they would send the. The check in the tube?

[Enya]

Oh, that was so.

[Kai]

Oh, that was fun. As I. I put bees in one well. Or djing a festival in New York. You ate like McDonald's.

[Drew]

Oh, what the are you saying?

[Kai]

Like, you know when people are like, oh, it's issue eight. Like, Josiah ate like McDonald's.

[Drew]

What does that mean?

[Kai]

It's just me being very classist.

[Drew]

But they're giving Kai one and then they're like, having it permanently in, like the work where you do what your work is. It's a sucker bitch ass ball.

[Enya]

Yeah.

[Drew]

So I'm going to. I mean, you win some, you lose some.

[Kai]

So.

[Enya]

Yeah, that's a game.

[Drew]

Can't be choosers. Are you pretending? Hey, he's tapped out. He's like. He thinks he's. He thinks he's recording a podcast episode somewhere else.

[Enya]

He entered in like a parallel universe and.

[Drew]

And I think it's a pod. It's a universe where it's just him. Cuz, like, he's giving no space for. Oh, oh.

[Enya]

See how light goes? Oh, oh.

[Drew]

He's back.

[Kai]

I just was somewhere so drunk that.

[Drew]

It, like, came out and I. I do remember cracking. Ew.

[Kai]

What?

[Drew]

Y' all are like, flirting with each other while I'm literally talking about and throwing up.

[Enya]

Because if I would straight up kill for both of you guys, okay, I would do whatever it took.

[Drew]

Yeah. How about yourself?

[Kai]

O. Oh, my God. And yeah, I think you went too far.

[Drew]

Did he do it? Did he wait?

[Kai]

But you went too far.

[Drew]

I've got the power. Did he do it though?

[Kai]

A classic. And then the last song I need to.

[Drew]

And I'm vibing inside. I want hair extensions again so bad. I should do that. Actually, I'm gonna do that today. Before we go, I'm gonna break this on your head.

[Kai]

Why?

[Enya]

So, Drew, you were constipated and then Enya, you just played Fortnite. Yeah. That's cool. I started a non profit and What? Yeah, so that's just like what I've been doing.

[Drew]

You're claiming you started a charity?

[Enya]

Mm, yeah, I'm working on fixing war. I'm getting rid of it.

[Kai]

So you started a non profit for Neo Nazis?

[Enya]

No, I didn't. I'M Jewish. Why would I do that?

[Kai]

I don't know.

[Enya]

That's just something that you said. I'm not doing that.

[Kai]

Do you have proof that you're not doing that?

[Enya]

I don't have proof that I'm not doing that, but I'm also.

[Drew]

That does not look good. That really doesn't look good on you. Like, I'm gonna be honest. Drew, you caught his. You should be a lawyer. And I'm gonna sell it.

[Enya]

I'm gonna make pink hats and call them hats.

[Drew]

All right, let's go into some video because, like, you're freaking me the out, not your post breakup with Joker. Glow up.

[Kai]

I know you're glowing. Me and Joker broke up. I tried to kill myself last week. Do you know what?

[Enya]

I really wanted this to be, like, a fun one.

[Kai]

Do you want to know why?

[Enya]

Why?

[Kai]

Do you want to know how? How or why?

[Enya]

How and why?

[Kai]

You choose one?

[Enya]

Why?

[Kai]

I woke up in the middle of the night, okay. And I walked into the kitchen, and I saw what I thought was a ghost, but it was an intruder. And the intruder looked at me and spoke in tongue or binary or I couldn't describe it, but it was almost like a Morse code.

[Enya]

Okay.

[Kai]

Like, clicking. And the clicks, for some reason resonated with me. And they said, kill your family or kill yourself. Choose one. So I tried to kill myself, and it didn't work. And I later learned that it was a schizophrenic delusion. And now I am on antipsychotics.

[Enya]

Okay, cool.

[Drew]

Because I guess other carriers. Because I didn't know there were other phones other than iPhones, but apparently there are other cellular devices that you can purchase, which is really confusing.

[Enya]

There's so.

[Drew]

Because I thought. I thought there were only iPhones. Like, what are the other ones?

[Kai]

Like, I don't know. I don't know.

[Enya]

Well, you guys don't know that there are other phones.

[Kai]

There's only iPhones. I don't even know what the word phone means. I know. I.

[Drew]

Is that a separate word? Because there's iPhones?

[Enya]

But do you guys know that there were phones before the iPhone?

[Kai]

I actually don't know what that word means.

[Drew]

Yeah, because you keep saying it without like, that's. That's like, if you. I was like, oh, did you know that there were ohms before homes? Like, what are you saying?

[Kai]

Yeah, like you're taking a letter.

[Enya]

Did you know that there were other types of iPhones before the iPhone?

[Drew]

Yeah, there's iPhone.

[Kai]

Like, 4G. They dropped the 3G model.

[Enya]

No, like, you guys could not be more wrong about this situation, okay?

[Drew]

Because that's funny, because it's two against one. Fucking idiot.

[Enya]

Yeah, I didn't think of it.

[Drew]

I hope you feel alone in that. But basically, I found out that I had bacterial vaginosis and a yeast infection at the same damn time, which is pretty common.

[Kai]

But we made sourdough bread in that oven.

[Drew]

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Kai]

Sins. No, actually, that sounds like my goddamn dream being. I'm not kidding. That is one of the most fucked up things about me is like. Like, I. I feel like, actually disgusting saying this because this is not chill at all. And I recognize that. And I realize that this is not okay to, like, want this. And I actually do need psychiatric help in this stem. This is very deep. And it, like, goes back to, like, my childhood or something. But I legitimately, like, want a chronic.

[Drew]

Illness and says or asks, what's the hardest lesson you've learned in adulthood?

[Kai]

That you are truly alone in this life. Like, you can have your people, you can have your family, but at the end of the day, you're alone.

[Drew]

Well, that's, like, really funny.

[Kai]

Call of Duty and Eye for an Eye. I literally kill so many fucking people. I've killed so many people.

[Drew]

Oh, hair. And you put the hair clip in it. You do that to my vulva?

[Kai]

Yeah. And then I'd really take some time to try to find the clitoris. That's a psyop. The clitoris doesn't exist. Urgency. Intercom. Cream. Dream. Wet Dream. Cream. Dream Cream Team. Team Cream. Are you on the cream team? Are you squirt squad? Cream team or squirt squad? A lame, nihilistic way, but, like, Azula's eating my goddamn plant.

[Drew]

She was.

[Kai]

Is she? Did she chomp on it big time?

[Enya]

No.

[Kai]

I'm gonna kill myself, actually. I'm gonna kill myself. Like, this is actually, like, the saddest day of my goddamn life. Oh, no. Is it bad? Yes. We're leaving the same.

[Drew]

It's not the worst. We'll just put it.

[Kai]

We'll walk.

[Drew]

Oh, it's not the worst. It's not the worst. How old are you? Oh, we'll just keep it here for the rest of the episode. We'll watch her.

[Kai]

I'm gonna vomit, dude. Oh, my God. He ate no Inya. This is all him. I didn't even realize that's all him. He was eating the out of that like a snail. He's getting spankings. I'm not kidding. I'm gonna spank the out of him.

[Drew]

My. My grandpa died a long time ago, and I met him. Actually, I had a chance to meet him once in Honduras. But he was the grandpa on my dad's side that abandoned my dad. And at the. At the age of five years old, I was a ride or die. They were like, oh, Abuelo's here. Abuelo, you want to meet him? I stayed in that bed, jumping like a little monkey. Monkey jumping on a bed. And I looked at my grandma. I said, nope, I don't want to meet no fucking traitor. And then he died. No. I would be so mad. Like, this is so fucked up. I am vain. Like, I know this. I. Like, I am very vain. I'm stuck in my vanity. I want to be pretty. Like, that's like, one of my main goals in life is to look good no matter what.

[Kai]

I'm. Being pretty is a curse because you're hated by the ugly people and you're hated by men. You get slut shamed.

[Drew]

Yas, my feminist king.

[Kai]

I'm down for the pretty girls. You're more than just a pretty girl to me.

[Drew]

What am I?

[Kai]

You're a funny girl.

[Drew]

You're a funny looking girl in the.

[Kai]

Fucking hurricane ticket booth at Chuck E.

[Drew]

Cheese so bad right now.

[Kai]

That was one of the.

[Drew]

Did they fight at your Chuck E. Cheese? I always saw parents getting into fist fights at my Chuck E. Cheese, and it was fun. And it was like, this is. This is how humans should be existing. Parents should be getting tipsy and fist fighting, and kids are lost and kids are crying and they don't know where to go. That's like, the big mouse is scaring the fuck out of everyone. The video of me, like, drunkenly recording Drew with my handicam, being like, I don't want to take him to the hospital. And, like, I go and close on his face, he literally looks dead.

[Kai]

No, I think we should insert that clip. Like, legitimate. Yeah.

[Enya]

I mean, we could drive him to the hospital.

[Drew]

No, I'm not going to the hospital.

[Enya]

We could just drive to the hospital. It wouldn't cost $4,000.

[Drew]

The thing is, Mason, last night was literally throwing up, like, four times in a row, and we did take him to the hospital. So I'm like, why do we have to take Drew to the hospital? Look at him.

[Enya]

He's way worse. Mason, this is like, Project X.

[Drew]

That is so mean. Because, like, obviously, everyone's destined to flop.

[Kai]

Like, no, I was just in my flop error for the last, like, yeah.

[Drew]

I go through constant flop errors. But my thing is, you have to take pride in your flop. Yeah, don't run away from the flop, because it only hits harder. Exactly. You need to put on your best fucking dress.

[Kai]

Just relish in the flop.

[Drew]

Go out there. Yeah. And slay in your flop. Try something new in your flop era.

[Kai]

Yeah, but.

[Drew]

But not too new. Like, don't be crazy.

[Kai]

No, he meant his Kindle.

[Drew]

Yes, Amazon. Kindle. Amazonian. That's what they should call the workers, Amazonians.

[Kai]

Oh, yeah.

[Drew]

You, like. You should, like, turn to God and start doing that.

[Kai]

No, literally, y' all don't. Y' all do not want my religious arc. Like, you do not want it coming soon.

[Drew]

Our religious homophobic tyrant are coming soon.

[Kai]

Coming real fucking soon.

[Drew]

Soon PLAYING what is that?

[Kai]

Wait, what is that?

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

What the. No, stop. Stop. What is that?

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Did you lock the door? Did you forget to lock the door?

[Kai]

I forgot to lock the door.

[Drew]

You were supposed to. Oh, my God.

[Kai]

What? What? Hello, John.

[Drew]

Literally, my words. Worst fucking nightmare.

[Kai]

The thing about poetic justice is it's just so poetic. Oh, Cruella.

[Drew]

Happy Halloween.

[Kai]

Welcome, girl. I'm just getting started, darling. Okay. How did you get here, Cruella? I need to know bases. I need to know bases.

[Drew]

You feeding him?

[Kai]

I'm trying to bring back my dogs, okay? Show off the outfit, because I spent a lot of money on this. Bring back my dogs, it just don't work. Is that rude, Paul? I think I just found that out when my brother died, and now I'm reliving it because my grandpa just died. And honestly, like, when my bug died, like, that was really traumatic. Damn. I'm being. I'm surrounded by death recently. Like, you better watch out.

[Drew]

Are you threatening?

[Kai]

I'm not threatening y' all. I'm just saying, when I open, when I'm sleeping.

[Drew]

No, it was, like, nothing. Like, it was like, you could even bring a bag onto the plane for that flight. All you could have was, like, a book bag or some, like, because the plane could not handle it.

[Kai]

I couldn't fit on that plane because of, like, my fat ass and my wieners. Like, too heavy. It, like, weigh it down because I have a giant fucking. I can't believe that happened in real life.

[Drew]

I know. I see. That's why that's one of my problems is, like, school doesn't teach you, like, important things like how to do your taxes and squid games.

[Kai]

The consequences of your own actions. Okay, that really just threw the vibe off, like, incredibly. That, like, really ruined the vibe. Like, you just.

[Drew]

You know what it was? You felt happier than me and in that moment, I knew I had to take you down with you. Like, no one. I should be. I am so miserable, but I still need to somehow be the happiest girl in the room.

[Kai]

Oh, I like, when I got in there, immediately I was like, yo, like, I need to, like, stand my ground and be, like, the man this prison needs. So immediately I went up to, like, the strongest gang in there and spit in their face, which was stupid because I was only in there for four days. And then I started this, like, underground. What's it called? Like, economy with slim Jims. So all of yalls donations.

[Drew]

Wait, they didn't donate? Who donated?

[Kai]

Just all the viewers. They stood by my side, like, they were there for me and, like, listener, like, thank you for putting money on my. What is that commission? Like, commissary.

[Drew]

Commissary.

[Kai]

Thank you for putting money on my commissary. Like, I was able to buy slim gems. I was able to buy enough slim Jims to start a little slim gym economy. And then, yeah, I traded three up for a shiv and I protected myself for four days, and I'm here.

[Drew]

It's like pirate slay. Like, would you rather have an eye patch or a peg leg?

[Kai]

Eye patch? I feel like it's more iconic, but the peg leg is kind of sick.

[Drew]

Peg leg.

[Kai]

Imagine he's pegging someone with your leg and just, like, their ass with you.

[Enya]

That was good.

[Kai]

Yeah. Oh, like, we actually don't need a test. Like, Kai asked, like, a gay agent. The gay agent was like, oh, no. Like, you're good. Like, don't.

[Enya]

I think he was straight, actually.

[Kai]

Oh, my God.

[Drew]

I would never take my kid to a water park. Honestly, I would give my kids.

[Kai]

Oh, my kid is going to the water park. That's how I'm never sick is because I got my immune system.

[Drew]

Because I went and I swallowed so much. I think my local water park. What?

[Kai]

What the.

[Drew]

Because I went and I swallowed so much water at the water park. You didn't do that.

[Kai]

Oh, okay. And I hope. And I hope. And I hope.

[Drew]

Did you not live in a home?

[Kai]

Yeah. You're not. You're not happy in that house, and you genuinely, like, need to just, like, get a homey house and, like, maybe you'll feel happier, but also maybe I'm. I'm saying that, like, we. And that's.

[Drew]

I used to eat the tuna from Subway.

[Kai]

Literally going down.

[Drew]

It's going now for real.

[Kai]

That's. I'm gonna play that on my iPhone.

[Drew]

Why did you say that more than I ever usually do. And now are you serving while I talk?

[Kai]

You know what I find crazy?

[Drew]

What?

[Kai]

Is that women can't come. Like, they can't have orgasms.

[Drew]

Stop it. Because that's not true. Do you actually think that, or are.

[Enya]

You just saying, I'll believe it when I see it, you know?

[Kai]

Yeah, literally, like, I'm just trying to, like. I'm just trying to, like, figure out.

[Drew]

Like, I'm trying to figure out if you're joking, because there's actually no way that you think women are incapable of having an orgasm.

[Kai]

Well, every woman I've been with has just not.

[Drew]

Have you ever thought, like, that's more of, like, something you've done? Like, a problem, like, you're, like, making or.

[Kai]

No, because I.

[Enya]

But also, like, I haven't. I have never seen that happen.

[Drew]

I mean, that makes a lot of sense.

[Kai]

What do you mean?

[Enya]

I had an idea for the podcast. I stand right here in front of the camera, and then you guys just take turns kicking me in there in the way, in the nuts.

[Kai]

Do you get off on that?

[Enya]

No, I don't get off on that. I just think it would be a cool idea for the.

[Drew]

I don't. Like, what about that is, like, cool?

[Enya]

Don't you guys think that would be cool?

[Kai]

No, I would have fun doing it, but it would make me look like.

[Enya]

Imagine how funny it would be if I was, like, doubled over in pain and you guys maybe even continued to kick me while I was on the ground.

[Kai]

What.

[Drew]

What is happening?

[Enya]

I don't know. I'm just saying, like, it's an idea. And then maybe you could get some dirt and, like, throw it in my face.

[Drew]

Who's gonna fucking clean it up?

[Enya]

I'll clean it up.

[Drew]

Okay.

[Enya]

And maybe while I'm cleaning up, you yell at me and throw piss on you. Tomatoes or eggs or piss.

[Drew]

That sounds like it's coming from your end. Like, you just want to piss on someone.

[Kai]

Yeah, I'll admit it. Yeah.

[Enya]

Is that something you guys would be interested in? Or is that, like, we're gonna.

[Kai]

We're gonna have to think about that?

[Drew]

Yeah. Because that doesn't sound like.

[Enya]

Can you please just say yes right now?

[Drew]

Oh, my God. Like, why are you, like, leave us alone. Let us, like, figure it out.

[Enya]

Okay.

[Drew]

All right, whatever. Basically getting off the flight. Oh, this just vibrated in my coochie.

[Kai]

Hold on. Put it back. I'm gonna call you.

[Drew]

Oh, my God.

[Kai]

We're in the Twilight Forest. I hope of a big, strong, hunky werewolf man doesn't come and take me away and do things to me.

[Drew]

Yeah, I hope a vampire doesn't come and, like, finger me on my period and suck all the blood out of my. Oh, fuck, my cervix.

[Kai]

Yeah, I hope a big hairy werewolf guy.

[Drew]

They should have installed a vacuum in the mouth of.

[Kai]

Okay.

[Drew]

Because also, my dad called me and he was like, enya, it's getting hard out here. Like, it's just so hot. Like, I'm aging and I still have to work outside and my life is really hard. And I was like, oh, my God, why the fuck do you keep calling me?

[Kai]

Don't complain to us.

[Drew]

My work. Like, I'm working. I'm literally like. And then I hang up on him. And then I look at kind of like, you better cut that out of this. You better cut that the out. Because my dad is on the phone crying to me. Then my mom calls, and she's like, anya, like, can you please. Can you help with the phone bill? And I'm like, oh, my God, you fucking bitch. Throw your phone away.

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Drew]

Why do you need a phone? I need a phone for my work.

[Kai]

It's crazy because I find myself working past, like, 5:15. I scream for cream, you scream for cream, we all scream for cream. Damn. Literally, the plane is rationed. Oh, my.

[Drew]

That's just me. That's just my body part. Like, I can't really stop it. And they did make me leave my coochie in the U.S. damn.

[Kai]

They did the same thing to me with my heavy wiener.

[Drew]

With your big boner?

[Kai]

Yeah.

[Enya]

Chewing the lithium.

[Kai]

What? Enya, you're beautiful, and I love you just the way you are.

[Drew]

I didn't ask you to say any of that shit.

[Kai]

And you don't have to change yourself for me.

[Drew]

I'm gonna take your skin, cut some of it off, dehydrate it, and then apply adhesive to the back of it and use your skin as nipple pasties.

[Kai]

I love the way you make words.

[Drew]

But it's, like, never that deep. But because of that and because of my caffeine intake and now that I'm a Coca Cola drinker, I think I am two steps away from a kidney stone.

[Kai]

Yeah. And with that being said, let's have a. A sip, shall we?

[Drew]

Catch Me by Pretty Poison Outside Miracles by Alex G. Then. So you're just seeing things, like, more.

[Kai]

Beautifully because, like, you know, like, how you have to turn down the radio to, like, listen to directions. That's what it's like. Like listening to loud music. It's hard to hear a conversation.

[Enya]

Don't look at me right now when.

[Drew]

You say that I shattered my second Mason jar of the day.

[Kai]

Wait, what is a glar I heard?

[Enya]

I have no idea.

[Kai]

I actually don't know.

[Drew]

I hella ate dog food as a kid and I wish I was brave enough to eat fish food too. Like when I'm at a table with my friends. John Mulaney had a really I think I literally said exactly this, but I was listening to a podcast. He was if you don't stop, I'm gonna smack the out of you calling.

[Kai]

All the last straight men in 2022.

[Drew]

Should I do it? Should I do it too? Because like, I don't know if a gay person doing it. Like if they'll like.

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